May 31, 2023 • 38 mins
Welcome to Unbreakable! A mental health podcast hosted by Fox NFL Insider Jay Glazer. On today’s episode, award-winning documentary filmmaker and best-selling author Kevin Hines joins Jay for a chat unlike any other. In September of 2000 Hines attempted to take his own life by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. Here is his story!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
This is Unbreakable with Jay Glacier, a mental health podcast
helping you out of the gray and into the blue.
Now here's Jay Glacier.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Welcome to Unbreakable, a mental health podcast with Jay Glazer.
Speaker 3 (00:18):
I'm Jay Glazer.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Today we have a very, very inspiring special guest. And
before we get to him, if you're like many people,
you may be surprised to learn that one in five
adults in this country experience mental illness last year, yet
far too many fail to receive the support they needed.
Speaker 3 (00:35):
Caroline, behavioral health is doing something about it.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
They understand that behavioral health is a key part of
whole health, delivering compassionate care that treats physical, mental, emotional,
and social needs in tandem. Tarlen, behavioral health raising the
quality of life through empathy and action. And with that,
I'd love to welcome in a very special friend of mine,
(00:58):
very special guest, the inspiring people I've ever talked to
my entire life. And we sat down recently and up
here at SOO Elison, Malibu, and we ate and we cried,
and we ate some more, and we cried some more.
We ate some more, we cried some more. Oh my God,
Welcome in like I said a very close dear friend
of mine, Kevin Hines, how are.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
You, buddy?
Speaker 4 (01:17):
Thank you, Jay, It's so great to be here with you.
I feel blessed right now and I'm very grateful.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
Well, man, you feeling blessed is a great great to
hear and listen. Your story is remarkable, incredible, uplifting shows
people also that man, life can change in an instance,
in several different ways. So I want you to I
don't want to take take up more by introducing you
and your story. I want you to introduce you and
(01:44):
your story.
Speaker 4 (01:46):
Take it away absolutely. So A lot of people know, well,
a handful of people know that in the year two thousand,
because of bipolar depression, the very same brain disease both
my birth parents had before me. As I'm adopted, I
was genetically predisposed to it twice. And I did get
(02:07):
diagnosed with bipolar depression psychotic features at seventeen and a
half years of age. And that's when I had my
first complete mental breakdown, and I didn't know what to
call it.
Speaker 3 (02:17):
Jay.
Speaker 4 (02:17):
I didn't know what the symptoms meant. I didn't they
were I didn't know how to articulate myself about them.
So what I did when I dealt with those symptoms
is my family knew I was unwell, but they didn't
know why. None of us had dealt with this kind
of scenario before. And I buried and silenced all of
my pain. I quieted my paranoid delusions, my hallucinations, auditory
and visual, my mannias, my depressions, my panting attacks, the
(02:40):
heart palpitations. I just shut it all out. And I
didn't tell anyone the severity of my symptoms because I
didn't know what they were or how to talk about them.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
And that led you to I want to quickly go
in through it. That led you to while were here
and then kind of backtrack to it.
Speaker 4 (02:53):
Yeah, so that led me to attempting to take my
life at nineteen years of age off the Golden Gate Bridge,
the most frequented spot for suicide in the world. And
I believed that you died upon impact, and frankly so
you did. So you jumped off the Golden Grate Bridge,
would leave off the Golden Gate Bridge in an attempt
(03:15):
to take my life at nineteen On September fifth of
the year twenty twenty three years ago.
Speaker 5 (03:21):
You said, So, what day did you say September twenty fifth. Okay, yeah,
and I went to the bridge, and I'll never forget Jay,
the ride to the bridge. This is very important because
I sat on a crowded unibus in San Francisco, sitting
in the very back row, in the middle seat, looking
out upon what was one hundred or so people that
(03:42):
boarded this bus, and all of them were going to
visit the Golden Gate Bridge to experience all of its
beauty and revere and they were and splendor.
Speaker 3 (03:54):
I didn't know that. I didn't know that part. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (03:57):
They were all there to take pictures and be with
family and go for hikes and walks and bike rides,
and they were loved. And I get on this bus,
and Jay, all I wanted was for one person to
stop me and say something to the effect of a kid, Okay, brother,
there's something wrong, or paw, can I help you. I
(04:19):
hadn't made a pact with myself. And I don't know
if you know this, Jay, but it's very common people
make packs with themselves who are suicidal, and it's a
packed and it basically is instinctual, and it's if then
if one person says or does this, I will if
one person says or does this, I won't die today.
And my if then was if one person says, are
you okay, it's something wrong? Can I help you? I
(04:39):
would tell them everything and beg them to save me,
and I would not jump. And I'm on the bus
and I realized We're getting closer and closer to that
destination and I'm crying my eyes out, I'm waterfalls flowing
from my eyes and one hundred people are staring at me.
And then Jay, I don't know if you know this,
but I began yelling aloud out on a crowded bus
(05:01):
filled with people at the top of my lungs, leave
me alone. I don't want to die. Why do you
hate me so much? What did I ever do to you?
At the voices I was hearing in my head, Wow,
for hallucinations that I still have today that were telling
me I had to die. And if you've net Jay,
if you've never heard or seen visual autry hallucinations, imagine
(05:24):
your earbuds around your headphones are on right there, and
instead of that playlist of music or that book you're
listening to or that podcast right you hear a person
or people's voices in your head telling you to do
things that you absolutely don't want to, wow, but you
believe them to be in charge.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
I don't know those party either.
Speaker 4 (05:41):
Yeah, you know this, and Jay, I always say this,
the voices would win the day. The bus gets to
the going a Bridge parlor, but not before the man
to my left, after I'm yelling at my voices, turns
to the guy next to him, points to me with
his thumb with a smile on his face, while laughing,
I get my pain. What the hell's wrong with that kid?
(06:04):
Abrupt loud, audible for everyone to hear. Now everyone's really
staring at me, And I turned and looked at him,
and I felt broken. Jay I felt absolutely broken.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
I would love for people to hear this now and
ask yourself, Yeah, would I be the type to laugh
or would I be the type to help? And if
you're the type that you know would laugh, let's change
that about ourselves right now. If you're the type that
you know would help, love yourself up for that right now,
because you may have saved someone's life already and you
(06:35):
have no idea about it.
Speaker 3 (06:36):
Go ahead, Jemen, Thank you, Jay.
Speaker 4 (06:38):
So basically what happened is the bus got to the
Golden gate Bridge. One hundred people deboard the bus right there,
with their fanny packs that were multicolored and zippered, and
their foreign access from all over the world, and their
cameras that weren't phones. And they they really were there
to experience the splendor and wonder of this bridge. And
(06:59):
I was there to disappear forever I got off the bus.
But before I got off the bus, here this is
also important. I looked to the bus driver to stop me.
I looked him in his eyes, and waterfalls are flowing
from mine. It's obvious I'm crying. My eyes are red.
And he goes, come on, kid, get off the bus.
I gotta go. And I looked down. I say, all right, man.
(07:21):
I walked down those two steps. I walk across the
two mile stretch of walkway. It is the Golden gate Bridge.
For the next forty minutes, crying, the baby, bikers, joggers, runners, tourists,
patrol officers searching for suicidal people all went by me
at least twice. Now, to be fair, Jay, those officers
(07:44):
had not been trained in the year two thousand in
suicide prevention. They are today. I've trained many of them,
and today those officers saved between fifty and one hundred
and twenty lives every year, and that's incredible. He did
not have that protocol for me, right, So I get
we didn't.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Talk about mental health back then, and oh no, it
hard to recognize. And I still think we're ways away,
but at least having these conversations now, it's light years
ahead of that.
Speaker 4 (08:10):
So I get to a particular light rail, a very
specific light rol which I will not name, but I
know very well even now. I stood over that light
rail and I profusely cried my tears to the waters below,
and a woman from my left approached me with a
big smile, giant sunglasses, and I thought, this lady's gonna
ask me if I'm okay. I don't have to do this.
(08:33):
I don't have to die today, and she approached. I
waited for the ru okay, and then she pulled out
a digital camera and said, will you take my picture?
And I couldn't believe it. Yeah, I was like, you
gotta be kidding me. She doesn't see the pain I'm
right now. Maybe it's maybe the sun's in her eyes.
But I left the fate of my life in a
(08:53):
complete stranger's hands and that was a mistake, and that
wasn't her fault. What happened next to I took her
picture several times, about five times. She took her camera back,
and she walked away. But she didn't walk away twenty
eight yards off the bridge. She walked back across again,
the entire two mile stretch of walkway, which is what
(09:14):
people did at the ninth wonder of the world, the
Golden Gate Bridge, every day to experience all of its
glorious beauty, where I was there to destroy all of mine.
Jay when she walked away, I said to myself, absolutely
no one cares the furthest thing from the truth. Let
me articulate that even further today, about half an hour ago,
(09:38):
I finished a talk in front of two thousand high
school students. And when I asked those students, by honest
to God, raise the hands. Had any of you seen
me that day on the bridge, nineteen year old young me,
ready to take my life, ready to leave my family forever.
(09:59):
How many of you in this audience would have cared?
One hundred percent of the audience, both students, staff, and
counselors raise their hands. That's beautiful, right, It's it's gorgeous.
And we can say that about anyone, But we can't
get the help we need if we aren't willing to
ask for it and exhaust that ask until we get it.
(10:23):
Because it's not everyone, and.
Speaker 3 (10:25):
You aren't asking for help.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
You were hoping somebody recognize the right exactly you were
crying for help, but you weren't asking.
Speaker 4 (10:30):
I wasn't asked, difference, but I was also, Jay, in
complete denial of my disease. I don't have this illness.
I'm not flawed. There's nothing wrong with me, you know.
And so in that denial, I lied to myself, I
lied to my family, I lied to my friends, and
I almost die because of it. So what I'm here
to say, Jay, is to your audience, to everyone that listens, views, watching, subscribes.
(10:53):
Don't learn the hard way like I did. Bag plead
and ask for help whenever you need it to everyone,
And it's not going to be everybody that comes to
your aid, because not everybody is willing or able to
empathize with that kind of pain period.
Speaker 6 (11:09):
When people just are on equipped now, people can't do it.
Some people don't have the empathy, they can't make they
can't shake it. But by the sheer probability of the
number of people you turn to someone will be willing
to answer your call. And Jay, I can prove right message.
I can prove that in the last twenty three years,
since my attempt off that bridge you see behind me,
(11:31):
I have been chronically suicidal for twenty three years. It
doesn't happen every day, it happens often enough, Jay, you understand,
and those chronic suicidal ideations they're insidious. They're inspid, and
they perseparate in your brain and you feel like you
can't get the loop out of your head when that happens.
I do exactly two things.
Speaker 4 (11:50):
Every time I find a mirror, Jay, in any room,
I find a mirror wherever I am, I look in
that mirror and I say, first, my thoughts do not
have to to come my actions, they can simply be
my thoughts. And the second thing I do, Jay, is
I turn to anyone in front of me. And Jay,
if I was feeling this way right now, if I
was Sue's settled right now, which I'm not, I would
(12:11):
say to you right now for effective, purposeful words, Jay,
I want you to repeat them after me. Ready, I
right need need help, help now.
Speaker 3 (12:25):
Now Okay, So how would I support you there? Right?
Speaker 4 (12:29):
But first of all, do you know how hard that
is for some people? Sure, it's so hard to look
someone in the eyes and say I need help now
and then describe what you need right? But I do
it every time everywhere I go, And in twenty three
years of being suicidal, I've done that to people all
around the world, sometimes who I don't know from Adam,
and they have stepped up. For twenty three years, people
have stepped up and kept me safe from myself.
Speaker 3 (12:53):
Now I'll be here, and so here's my question.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
And again we're about to get to Kevin's story also
where he does job.
Speaker 3 (12:59):
So I help people, We're saying, hey, what happened next?
Speaker 2 (13:01):
Well, more importantly, how would I support you right there
when you say to me, I need help now?
Speaker 4 (13:06):
So this is crucial Jay for your whole audience. It
doesn't mean you have to put them in a psych ward.
Do you have to call the police now that if
that's necessary for a cute situation.
Speaker 3 (13:15):
I get that.
Speaker 4 (13:16):
I've been there ten times, psyche Words stays myself. I
get it. What I'm saying is I often need somebody
to sit beside me and listen to understand, not to respond.
I don't need your advice. I need to know you're there.
I need to know you've got my back.
Speaker 3 (13:31):
So, but how would I do that? How would I say?
What would I say to you like I want to
get specifically? What would I say? Would I just say, Kevin,
how can I help you?
Speaker 4 (13:37):
What is it?
Speaker 3 (13:38):
What does it look like for you right now? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (13:40):
This is what it looks like. What do you need
from me right now?
Speaker 3 (13:44):
Okay?
Speaker 4 (13:45):
Meet them where they're at, and then I would I
would also say this. I would say, look, hey, I
care about you, maybe even love the person I love you.
Here are three questions I'm going to ask you right
now because I am very worried, but I want you
to be one hundred percent honest with your answers. I'm
not gonna accept anything else, and I want you to
know I am not going to judge your answers. I'm
(14:06):
gonna be here for you. Are you thinking of killing yourself?
Have you made plans to take your life? Do you
have the means? That does not put the thought in
their mind if it's not already there, that's a myth.
It gives them permission to speak on their pain. And Jay,
a pain shared is a pain had.
Speaker 3 (14:26):
So if you're saying to me, yes, I am planning, yeah,
is my action to then say, okay, then we've got
to go get your help now. Yes, we've got to call.
Speaker 4 (14:36):
We've got to call nine to eight. We've got to
text CNQR to seven four and seven for one in
the crisis text line. We have got to reach out
to the mental support systems we know and love in
our lives. If we're if we're the kind of people
like you, Jay, who does this work on a daily basis,
on top of the other work you do in sports
and fitness, like it's in martial arts. You know, you
find the people that you know in your life have
(14:56):
the resources, have the tools, have the ability to share
information with someone to get them to a safe place.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
And you know, and if you say no, I'm not
looking to feel myself. I just need to voice it.
I want to act like I would. Okay, Well I'm
here for you. Yeah, yeah, I'm here for you.
Speaker 3 (15:11):
I love you, brother.
Speaker 4 (15:12):
I just sit right here and I put my hand
on your shoulder and I listen, I listen.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
I give you a virtual hug. Right yeah, right, now,
take us to the bridge.
Speaker 4 (15:20):
Absolutely, So the bus guts to go and get bridge.
Everybody the boards. I go, I find that light rail
leading over that light rail, the woman comes up. I
take her picture. She walks away. At that moment, Jay,
I said to myself, absolutely no one cares, which is,
you know, is the greatest live I've ever told. Giving
what I just told earlier, everybody cared. Nobody knew where
I was and what I was doing. And then I
(15:40):
leapt off the Golden Gate Bridge after hearing a voice
in my head saying jump, now I did. I held
two hundred and forty feet twenty five stories.
Speaker 3 (15:48):
Oh wait wait, so on the way down two hundred
and forty feet?
Speaker 4 (15:51):
Yeah, how many stories? Twenty five?
Speaker 3 (15:53):
What is racing through your head as you're descending? What
have I just done?
Speaker 4 (15:58):
It? I want to die, God, please save me?
Speaker 3 (16:00):
Not to God. Really yep.
Speaker 4 (16:02):
So the moment you did it, moment I had regret,
a taneous regret for my actions and the one hundred
percent recognition that I just made the greatest mistake in
my life. It was too late.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
Oh my god.
Speaker 4 (16:12):
Yeah, for ninety nine percent of the people that I
left off that bridge, it's been too late. In ninety years,
nearly a century of that bridge being open. Okay, ninety
nine point nine percent of the people who've left off
that bridge do not exist. Thirty nine individuals in ninety
years have survived that fall. Twenty six remain alive today.
(16:34):
My name died of natural causes of old age. Nineteen
have come forward to say after I did, they all
had the exact same instant regret that I had. Five
of the survivor five of the survivors, including myself, get
the privileged to stand, walk and run. They call us
the most exclusive survivors club in the world. Wow in
(16:57):
the water, Jay, As I flailed almost so, you hit
the water, hit the water. How did you survive that well?
Speaker 3 (17:04):
And what are most people die from? Is it the
impact in the water?
Speaker 4 (17:08):
Is it? There's tons of ways to die off the
Golden get Bridge jet. They're mostly very quick and violent.
I'd rather not get into like the severity of it,
because it's I don't want people to ruminate on it.
That could be dangerous. But I would say this, there
is one way to survive that fall, and all of
the survivors have survived in the same way, which I'm
(17:29):
not going to repeat. I don't want anybody to minimic
that activity. Yeah, but most people. But people don't understand
is most people die upon impact in very very very
violent ways.
Speaker 3 (17:39):
So you've got to land a certain way that you
don't really have control over. You have no like somebody
can go I.
Speaker 4 (17:43):
Can do this and yeah, give no control, which is
why most people die, right, Yeah, Okay, So this vacuum
sucks me under seventy feet neath the water service because
of the velocity which I've fallen. You hit the water
jay at fifteen thousand pounds of pressure. Because the velocity
which you fall I go down seventy feet. I opened
my eyes. I'm drowning and I don't want to and
(18:05):
I'm freaking out. I swim in any direction I'm going down.
My eyes begin to bulge, my ears begin to ring.
I knew I was the pressure. I shot for the
opposite direction of the surface as fast as my arms
would take me. I could not feel my legs. They
were moving. It was the fastest I ever swam in
my life. That's all I wanted to do was live.
I got closer and closer to the lit circle of
water above me, and I started to convulse. My head
(18:29):
started going back. My eyes began to roll in the
back of my head. I remember thinking, I can't die here.
If I die here, no one will ever know. I
didn't want to No one will ever know. I knew
I made a mistake. I break the surface of the water.
I bob up and down in it, and I did
the one thing I've had control over since kindergarten. I prayed, God,
please save me. I don't want to die. I made
a mistake. On repeat, and he heard me. A woman
(18:53):
driving behind a red car at the moment of my
attempt saw me go over, called her friend from her
car phone in the year two thousand, called her friend
in the United States Coast Guard. The only reason the
Coastguard boy arrived behind me was because of that woman's
phone call at the timely manner of which it did
before I would sit out and drown a very few
minute window.
Speaker 3 (19:12):
That's shark infested.
Speaker 4 (19:14):
It is shark infested. And so I'm in the water
and I'm kind of I'm going down. I think I'm
gonna drown. I think this is it. This is where
I go. I can't get to the surface right, And
that's when something began to circle beneath me, and I thought,
you gotta be you gotta be kidnaped. I didn't die
jumping off the Golden Gate bridge, and the shark is
about to devour me. And I take my right hand
(19:35):
because it's the only hand that works. And I'm starting
to this thing and it won't go away. Wow, certainly,
faster and faster, faster and faster, faster and faster. No
longer my waiting in the water, treading in it. I'm
lying on the top of my back being kept boyant
by this creature, thinking that it's a nice shark. I've
named him Herbert. The creature turned out to be no
shark at all.
Speaker 3 (19:55):
Jay.
Speaker 4 (19:55):
It turned out that when I surfaced, the only reason
I surface was because the creature was bumping me to
the surface. And I was on a television program a
year later, promoting a suicide prevention campaign in San Francisco
on ABC News. I said to the show, I thought
there was a shark beneath me in the water. People
wrote into the show from all over the world at
viral online. One man's letter stuck out of all the rest.
(20:18):
Of His name was Morgan. He was from Las Vegas, Nevada,
and he was on the bridge that day with his
mom and he writes to me and he says, Kevin,
I'm so very glad you're alive. I was standing less
than two feet away from you when you jumped. Until
this day, no one would tell me whether you lived
or died. It's haunted me until now. By the way, Kevin,
there was no shark like you mentioned. You thought there
(20:39):
was on the show, But there absolutely was.
Speaker 3 (20:43):
A sea lion.
Speaker 4 (20:44):
No way, that is my friend Herbert right there. No
way they see that's Herbert right there. Yeah, that's Herbert.
And Herbert saved my life. This creature that didn't speak
my language right there was the only ad your bet.
It was the only animal that saved my life that
(21:04):
day And it did not leave from beneath me until
I heard the Coastguard boat and murmur behind me, and
then it took off like a bat of the hell.
Coastguard fishes me onto a flatboard. They secondarily saved my life.
They get me to the hospital. Tertiarily. The doctor there,
one of the foremost back surgeons on the West Coast,
saved my back. Went into my left side. Twenty three
(21:25):
stable scar across my left side. No Mahamaderma is gonna
make that go away. And he went in there. He
restructured my shattered vertebrae with titanium, titanium plates, titanum cages,
titanium pins, the whole nine. That surgery never been done
anything before, never been done to anybody again. He invented
it for me.
Speaker 3 (21:42):
And how many how many injuries did you substand?
Speaker 4 (21:44):
From that? It shouted my T twelve L one, L two,
and I sprained my right ankle, just a sprain right
And so it was a four and a half week
recovery in the physical hospital. I went from a wheelchair
to a walker and a back race to back race
in the cane, then right into my first syde words
because he can't just call him after that, and Jay,
this is not even the kicker. Okay. So my dad
(22:07):
calls me one day and I don't know the date.
I'm not paying attention to the timeline. It's a year
to the date of my attempt. At the exact time
of my attempt. My father calls me, I'm going to
the same city college where he dropped me off the
day I went to attempts to take my life the
year before he picks me up at the exact same
spot he dropped me off a year before when I
went to take my life. We get I get in
(22:29):
the car. We're driving. He goes, Dad, where are we going?
He said, we're going for a drive. Said okay, Dad.
So we go and we're driving down Nineteenth Avenue and
then park Prosidio and you know, it goes only to
the Golden Gate Bridge. I'm like, Dad, I don't want
to do this. He goes, Kevin, we need closure, and
I'm like, you need closure. I need to go one
lay down. I didn't say that. He's six to one,
I'm nine. So we pull over. At that comment, he says,
pick a flower from that flower bed. It's a purple
(22:50):
tools with gold pollen inside. Beautiful flowers. I said, Dad,
that's the police Officer's union building. There's police bikes, police cars,
and police officers in their dress blues in the windows.
I'm not going over there picking a flower at Samsuski.
You get rested. He goes, pick a damn flower. So
I picked the flower. We go to the Golden gate Bridge.
I'm frantically shaking in the car. I'm having a panic attack.
My heart's palpatating on my chest. We get to the bridge,
he says, show me the exact light rail. I knew
(23:11):
exactly where it was. I took him to that light rail.
He held my hand. We said in our father and
hel Mary. We dropped, he said, dropped the flower. I
dropped the flower. He walked it down very slowly, made
the tiniest of ripple effect in the water, and immediately
upon that ripple effect happening two feet to the right,
popped up a settlement.
Speaker 3 (23:30):
No way. Wow.
Speaker 4 (23:32):
Yes, it was the most beautiful ever spent with my
father next to him being the best man at my wedding,
and there was no other choice. All my friends were
pissed off.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
Incredible, absolutely incredible. So how many lives do you think
you saved as a result of this?
Speaker 4 (23:51):
Oh, brother, I don't count. I'll tell you that. Well,
I'll tell you this. I know for a fact that
we've we've done data on some of it. My team
has I don't really do it, but we've done down
some of it. And over the last twenty three years,
literally a couple hundred thousand people have reached out to
say that this story, somehow they heard it, saw it,
(24:11):
view did save their life. I don't say I saved lives.
I'm a conduit. I give a message, you go home.
They do the work. They're saving and changing their own lives.
They hear a message that inspires them. It's the inspiration
that leads them to change.
Speaker 3 (24:23):
So you tell me you feel about this.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
When I've tried to help with the situation, I've tried
to villainize suicide. I don't want to glorify, and then
is too glorify These days, I think, you know, we
see our and this is like the power of suggestion.
Speaker 3 (24:36):
We see somebody commit suicide.
Speaker 2 (24:37):
We all have this outpouring of love, and people who
are going through shitty times go, well, my life stocks
right now. That person gets so much love. I'm gonna
do the same thing. So I try and villainize. So
I just tell people, will say, hey, listen, lives about
our choices. First life choice is life or death. Got
to choose life because it's selfish not to because we're
just leaving people with our problems. Now, let's be trying
to villainize. A lot of people react positively that to that.
(25:00):
A lot of people say that's bullshit. You shouldn't say that.
You wouldn't say its selfish as you have cancer. It's
a disease, but I'm trying to villainize it. What's your
view on that.
Speaker 4 (25:09):
I believe suicide is never the solution to our problem.
It is the problem. I believe suicide ideations are the
greatest liars we know. We don't have to listen to them.
That's why your thoughts don't have to become your actions.
They consider to be your thoughts. I also believe, Jay,
that suicidal people, suicidal ideations and actions are not selfish,
(25:30):
because if you are, if you are being selfish, you
have to know you are hurting other people. It has
to be malicious. People who die by suicide or attempt
are in a world of what's called lethal emotional pain.
That lethal emotions. Okay, Jay, look at it. Look at
it like this. What is the say this out loud?
What is the say the response? What is the one
(25:51):
thing you want to happen? When you find yourself an
excruciating physical pain which you're in a lot of relief?
What is that pain? What do you want that relief?
Speaker 3 (25:59):
Right?
Speaker 4 (25:59):
You want to go away, you want it to end,
You wanted to stop right right? So that's physical pain.
I argue that brain pain here is three hundred thousand
times worse physical pain you've ever experienced. I'm in crucial,
excuciating physical pain most days because of what I did
off to go and get bridge. It's painful. My back
is it hurts. It hurts all day. You understand that
(26:22):
more than most so.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
But but you understand also like the other end of
it is, there's a lot of us with that extreme pain,
a lot of us with problems, and I'm trying to
take and they're different, right, but we all we kind
of think, men, our problems are the same as that.
Speaker 3 (26:36):
And that's why for that group of people I'm trying
to who have the choice, Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
I'm trying to villainize and say, man, it's selfish because
you're leaving us with that pain. Don't do that to us.
And I think it's more for that group of people.
I understand there's other group who you're in, the other
group where man, those roommates in our head, they're just
gonna they're gonna win.
Speaker 4 (26:54):
I think that we need to teach people, and I
do it all around the world, is that your soucialidiation
are not your fault. They're not selfish in the sense
of selfishness. They're actually millions and millions of people have them, right, So, yes,
people have these thoughts.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
Yes, but correct and I include myself in that one.
Speaker 3 (27:15):
Again, I'm not gonna do it.
Speaker 4 (27:16):
I'm not gonna right right, Let's normalize the fact that
we have these thoughts. But let's have a purpose driven
point together to say we can help you get past
these thoughts. Your pain does not have to defeat you
in suicide. Instead, let your pain build you, break by
break from the ground up until you're stronger than ever you.
J have been through a lot of pain. I've been
(27:37):
through and go through. We go through a lot of pain.
We're still here. Let us be light lighted examples for
people that are considering taking their lives and help them recognize, no,
it's not selfish, but it's not right. It's not the
right option. You have so many other options. Let's count them.
How about this, Jay, And And what you're saying too.
Speaker 3 (27:58):
Is like I don't need to use tough level the time.
Speaker 2 (28:00):
No, no, no, And that's kind of how you know, Yeah,
that's why I've you know, we're in this what we're
trying to do now. Also, we're all works in progress.
That's why I want to learn. I like to learn
from people like you so I can know, Okay, what
what is the proper way?
Speaker 3 (28:13):
What is well? I don't know if there's a word proper.
What's a better way? What's uh?
Speaker 2 (28:16):
You know, a common ground? If we if we can
because we can grow. And how I talk about it,
how a lot of us talk about it. I never
want to shame anybody, and we're not going to do that.
Speaker 4 (28:26):
And earlier, earlier, you said committed suicide. I'm not going
to tell you what to say. Jay, You've got your
own thing going. I would say people die by suicideide right,
just like they would die of any other organ. Diseased
people forget that the brain is an organ. In fact,
it's the single most powerful organ you wield mostly on
automatic mode, controlling every action in action you take, decision, indecision,
(28:48):
for lack of a better way of saying it, Jay,
if your brain is malfunctioning, there goes rescue. And as
your friend DJ says, we're all projects.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
Right, we're off works in progress.
Speaker 4 (28:59):
We're absolutely we have to put in the work.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
So you're in the hospital after what changes do you
make immediately or start to make so you don't make
this same decision again.
Speaker 4 (29:11):
So I have to really frank with you, Jay, I didn't.
I didn't come to the realization that I needed to change.
For three years after that job, I was in and
out of psyche words. For those three years, I was
a mess.
Speaker 3 (29:21):
Jay.
Speaker 4 (29:22):
I had my physical rehabilitation, I had my first psyche
worts stay. I got the hell out of there. I
didn't want to go back. I went back a year later,
went back a year later. Third syche warts stay involuntary,
forced in against my will those three times. But Jay,
the next seven psyche warts days, I walked in there
and said, I need to be here or I won't
be here. What changed it the moment that things changed.
(29:43):
Maybe this is my unbreakable moment. Okay, the moment things changed.
Really this was visceral. My uncle George on my mom's side,
my favorite uncle on my mom's side, comes into the
hospital on a special admit against visiting hours. He's allowed
in because somebody needs to shake me to my core.
And he comes in with a rolled up magazine in
his right hand. He says, Kevin, your family and friends
(30:06):
can help you until we are blue in the face.
But until and when you take one hundred and ten
percent responsibility, young man, for the fact that you have
this disease and you fight it tooth and nail every
single day. Kidd, ain't nothing in to change. You'll be
in now of these places for the rest of your life.
Is that what you want? I said, no, George, and
he literally said, well get it together, kid, We're counting
(30:27):
on you. And he dropped the magazine, walked out of
the room and said read it. I was like, you're
not my favorite uncle anymore. I yelled that he was
already gone. I reluctantly picked up the magazine and unfolded
it a Time magazine article two thousand and four on
how to battle bipolar disorder, depression, mental illness with routine
(30:47):
and regimen and win. And I was like, wait a minute,
you're saying I can do these things and I might
actually feel better for once. Why did my first three
psychiatrists routine was a good idea. I go into my room,
I read the article through and through. I come out
of there. I put words in action. I changed every
aspect of my life I began. I was pre diabetic.
Speaker 7 (31:07):
You made that change. You made that choice to change.
That made the decision. I made the cognitive decision. I
was pre diabetic. I was nearly three hundred pounds. I
was I was a mess. I was lying in therapy
every therapy session. I was all over the place. I
began telling the truth in therapy every time, all the time,
about everything. I began exercising rigorously, multiple times a day,
(31:31):
with just using the surfaces.
Speaker 3 (31:32):
In my room.
Speaker 4 (31:32):
There's no gym in the psyche ward. I began. I
cut the weight. I began. I went to my case manager.
I said, I'd like to have some therapy with my father.
I think there's something there we need to talk about.
He told me his story. I understood why he was
so hard on me. We came to a connection. Okay.
I went to the nutritionist. I said, what do I do?
I'm overweight? What do I do? She said, you should
(31:53):
stop eating four unhealthy meals for one meal a day.
You're ordering four meals for one meal and they're all
healthy foods. Stop it. And I was like, that's that's
a good idea. I changed every aspect of my routine,
which I didn't really have one before. Right, I woke
up at the same time I went to bed at
the same time I took my pills, at the same
time I exercised at the same time every day in therapy,
(32:15):
I told my truth. It relieved so much for me.
Would I be in seven more sac words, dacious cutil ideation, Yes,
because I fell off my routine, or I messed up,
or I relapsed, or whatever the situation was. But I
walked in there and said I need help now, and
I got it. And today, Jay, I travel around the
(32:36):
world and I share my story and people have all
walks life come up to me and say this story
changed me or saved me. And that's the most incredible
feeling on the face of the planet. And it's the
most cathartic thing I've ever gotten the privileged to do.
And I'm so grateful to be here with you.
Speaker 3 (32:50):
Jed.
Speaker 8 (32:50):
You're a beautiful soul who is doing amazing things from
your seat there, and you are changing the world and
it is it is empowering and it is incredible.
Speaker 4 (33:01):
So keep it up.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
Thank you, brother, I appreciate it. Listen, you're being of service, right,
and that's one of the things I have. You know,
these pillars that I talk about, what you know helps
the roommates in my head talk nicer to each other.
Speaker 3 (33:11):
And it's for all of us.
Speaker 2 (33:13):
I mean, if your service to others, the gray hates that,
it fights you, that gray. Nothing bad could come from
you being of service to others.
Speaker 4 (33:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
And the other thing you're doing is you're now building
that team. Where you were doing it by yourself and
you were expecting a team to.
Speaker 4 (33:31):
Just pasically fear.
Speaker 3 (33:34):
You're now seeking out that team.
Speaker 2 (33:36):
You're not telling people, hey, I'm struggling, I'm this and
you know when you and I first met, by you
just open up and you open up. Obviously, there's certain
things differently we say a little private, right, there's obviously,
but you.
Speaker 3 (33:46):
Really laid it on the lot. That's you building your team. Yeah, right,
that's you opening up building your team. That's what happens, folks,
when you open up to others.
Speaker 2 (33:53):
And I've said here, every time I've opened up to
my friends about this, none of them has told me
to suck it up or oh, come on, glean your
life is great, stop and my life is great, phenomenal,
but between my earsucks and I didn't sign up for it.
You didn't sign up for it. But there are things
that we can do. We don't have to let the
gray win. We don't have to let it push us
(34:15):
off that golden gate bridge. There's things we can do
if we recognize it, if we see it, or if
we make that decision that you're talking about to get
the help.
Speaker 4 (34:24):
We can survive the gray. Jay, Damn right, you can
survive it. You know, on your team. You're on my team.
I need to bring Glan's on my team. Hell yeah,
put it in.
Speaker 3 (34:34):
I like it, brother, Kevin. I appreciate you.
Speaker 4 (34:35):
Man.
Speaker 2 (34:36):
This is being just incredible. Dude, Thank you so much. Man,
Before I let you go, Is there any other quick
story you want to tell that man may blow us
away or may help people?
Speaker 4 (34:47):
Yeah, you know, real quick, So I'll try to condense
this third sepe words day, I finagled my way into
volunteering for the hospital I was staying, which is an
ethical and illegal. I'm wearing civilian clothes and a side
word where everybody else is wearing hospital counts. And I
got to tap my left shoulder and I turn around
and it's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in
(35:08):
my life. And I knew she'd be the rest of
my life. And I quickly said, don't don't tell her
that that's that'd be awkward. And she's looking for her
cousin who's in the hospital because of metha that I'm
being used other drugs.
Speaker 3 (35:20):
He's overdosed.
Speaker 4 (35:21):
I had helped this kid come out of catatonia. He
couldn't move, he couldn't talk. I told him stories until
it's elicited response. Nobody else, not the staff, not the patients,
helped this kid. He was starving in the hospital. Literally,
they're bringing this trail of food they'd taken away full.
I broke my heart. I got him out of catatonia.
I got him to eat, and I meet this woman,
his cousin, and it was magic. And we go into
(35:44):
his room because I show where the room is and
I'm I'm in like I'm in like worker clothes. And
she turns around and goes, your nursing staff is so
nice to her, and he goes that guy. That guy's
a fucking nutball. That guy jumps off bridges.
Speaker 3 (35:59):
Don't talk to that guy.
Speaker 4 (36:00):
And I ran in the room and I said it
was one one. Oh, that's ridiculous. Long story short, Jay.
She gives me outside of the psych ward a first date.
It's a debacle. I get Marinara sauce all over my
white shirt. I get lemon in her eyes. She's crying
mess carriage running down her basebooks as a band, kissing
from the crow. I get hot, boiling butter on her chest.
(36:21):
I try to wipe the butter.
Speaker 3 (36:22):
Off her chest. Right, my god, you know what the
hell are you doing?
Speaker 4 (36:25):
I said, I don't know, but Jay, somehow, this beautiful
woman gave me a second date and is now the
love of my life, my very best friend and my
wife spent teen years. Thank you, Margaret Hines for saving
my life every time I'm suicidal. I will be with
you for the rest of my life. I know you
will be there for the rest of mine.
Speaker 2 (36:45):
Amazing, Bob, absolutely amazing. Like, as you know, man, I'm
fifty three. I finally fell love.
Speaker 3 (36:51):
Yeah, you never know where it's in the coup. You
never know. I just you know, did something recently.
Speaker 2 (36:55):
You're one away, right, You're one conversation away, You're one
phone call away, You're one chance meeting away. I could
just change your life, right, just one. That's why we
have to have faith, because you never know when that
one's gonna.
Speaker 3 (37:05):
Come, right, faith is important.
Speaker 4 (37:08):
I have faith in God. You know that, you too,
your self. People don't. That's fine. We're not pushing.
Speaker 3 (37:13):
It's that's our choice.
Speaker 4 (37:14):
That's our choice. We want you who don't have that
faith have faith in yourself, have faith in the human
condition and the idea that you can change your pain
to purpose and you can always, no matter what, survive
that pain.
Speaker 3 (37:31):
Look, can I choose that faith? Because you know it's
my choice. I just feel I'm not alone.
Speaker 2 (37:35):
I have a best friend and best friend, my parent
with me and God and that helps me.
Speaker 3 (37:38):
That's my choice.
Speaker 2 (37:39):
Doesn't hurt me. To do doesn't hurt Try it old faith.
If you don't want to, you don't want you. Again,
We're not pushing it. Hey, Kevin Man, I love you, dude.
I'm so proud that.
Speaker 3 (37:49):
You're my new teammate.
Speaker 2 (37:51):
And like I'd like to tell a lot of my
guests here, I'm so proud that we're walking this walk together.
Speaker 3 (37:55):
You my friend. To be able to walk this walk
is incredible.
Speaker 4 (38:00):
Yeah, thank you, Jan your brother.
Speaker 3 (38:02):
Love you.
This is Unbreakable with Jay Glacier, a mental health podcast
helping you out of the gray and into the blue.
Now here's Jay Glacier.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Welcome to Unbreakable, a mental health podcast with Jay Glazer.
Speaker 3 (00:18):
I'm Jay Glazer.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Today we have a very, very inspiring special guest. And
before we get to him, if you're like many people,
you may be surprised to learn that one in five
adults in this country experience mental illness last year, yet
far too many fail to receive the support they needed.
Speaker 3 (00:35):
Caroline, behavioral health is doing something about it.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
They understand that behavioral health is a key part of
whole health, delivering compassionate care that treats physical, mental, emotional,
and social needs in tandem. Tarlen, behavioral health raising the
quality of life through empathy and action. And with that,
I'd love to welcome in a very special friend of mine,
(00:58):
very special guest, the inspiring people I've ever talked to
my entire life. And we sat down recently and up
here at SOO Elison, Malibu, and we ate and we cried,
and we ate some more, and we cried some more.
We ate some more, we cried some more. Oh my God,
Welcome in like I said a very close dear friend
of mine, Kevin Hines, how are.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
You, buddy?
Speaker 4 (01:17):
Thank you, Jay, It's so great to be here with you.
I feel blessed right now and I'm very grateful.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
Well, man, you feeling blessed is a great great to
hear and listen. Your story is remarkable, incredible, uplifting shows
people also that man, life can change in an instance,
in several different ways. So I want you to I
don't want to take take up more by introducing you
and your story. I want you to introduce you and
(01:44):
your story.
Speaker 4 (01:46):
Take it away absolutely. So A lot of people know, well,
a handful of people know that in the year two thousand,
because of bipolar depression, the very same brain disease both
my birth parents had before me. As I'm adopted, I
was genetically predisposed to it twice. And I did get
(02:07):
diagnosed with bipolar depression psychotic features at seventeen and a
half years of age. And that's when I had my
first complete mental breakdown, and I didn't know what to
call it.
Speaker 3 (02:17):
Jay.
Speaker 4 (02:17):
I didn't know what the symptoms meant. I didn't they
were I didn't know how to articulate myself about them.
So what I did when I dealt with those symptoms
is my family knew I was unwell, but they didn't
know why. None of us had dealt with this kind
of scenario before. And I buried and silenced all of
my pain. I quieted my paranoid delusions, my hallucinations, auditory
and visual, my mannias, my depressions, my panting attacks, the
(02:40):
heart palpitations. I just shut it all out. And I
didn't tell anyone the severity of my symptoms because I
didn't know what they were or how to talk about them.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
And that led you to I want to quickly go
in through it. That led you to while were here
and then kind of backtrack to it.
Speaker 4 (02:53):
Yeah, so that led me to attempting to take my
life at nineteen years of age off the Golden Gate Bridge,
the most frequented spot for suicide in the world. And
I believed that you died upon impact, and frankly so
you did. So you jumped off the Golden Grate Bridge,
would leave off the Golden Gate Bridge in an attempt
(03:15):
to take my life at nineteen On September fifth of
the year twenty twenty three years ago.
Speaker 5 (03:21):
You said, So, what day did you say September twenty fifth. Okay, yeah,
and I went to the bridge, and I'll never forget Jay,
the ride to the bridge. This is very important because
I sat on a crowded unibus in San Francisco, sitting
in the very back row, in the middle seat, looking
out upon what was one hundred or so people that
(03:42):
boarded this bus, and all of them were going to
visit the Golden Gate Bridge to experience all of its
beauty and revere and they were and splendor.
Speaker 3 (03:54):
I didn't know that. I didn't know that part. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (03:57):
They were all there to take pictures and be with
family and go for hikes and walks and bike rides,
and they were loved. And I get on this bus,
and Jay, all I wanted was for one person to
stop me and say something to the effect of a kid, Okay, brother,
there's something wrong, or paw, can I help you. I
(04:19):
hadn't made a pact with myself. And I don't know
if you know this, Jay, but it's very common people
make packs with themselves who are suicidal, and it's a
packed and it basically is instinctual, and it's if then
if one person says or does this, I will if
one person says or does this, I won't die today.
And my if then was if one person says, are
you okay, it's something wrong? Can I help you? I
(04:39):
would tell them everything and beg them to save me,
and I would not jump. And I'm on the bus
and I realized We're getting closer and closer to that
destination and I'm crying my eyes out, I'm waterfalls flowing
from my eyes and one hundred people are staring at me.
And then Jay, I don't know if you know this,
but I began yelling aloud out on a crowded bus
(05:01):
filled with people at the top of my lungs, leave
me alone. I don't want to die. Why do you
hate me so much? What did I ever do to you?
At the voices I was hearing in my head, Wow,
for hallucinations that I still have today that were telling
me I had to die. And if you've net Jay,
if you've never heard or seen visual autry hallucinations, imagine
(05:24):
your earbuds around your headphones are on right there, and
instead of that playlist of music or that book you're
listening to or that podcast right you hear a person
or people's voices in your head telling you to do
things that you absolutely don't want to, wow, but you
believe them to be in charge.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
I don't know those party either.
Speaker 4 (05:41):
Yeah, you know this, and Jay, I always say this,
the voices would win the day. The bus gets to
the going a Bridge parlor, but not before the man
to my left, after I'm yelling at my voices, turns
to the guy next to him, points to me with
his thumb with a smile on his face, while laughing,
I get my pain. What the hell's wrong with that kid?
(06:04):
Abrupt loud, audible for everyone to hear. Now everyone's really
staring at me, And I turned and looked at him,
and I felt broken. Jay I felt absolutely broken.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
I would love for people to hear this now and
ask yourself, Yeah, would I be the type to laugh
or would I be the type to help? And if
you're the type that you know would laugh, let's change
that about ourselves right now. If you're the type that
you know would help, love yourself up for that right now,
because you may have saved someone's life already and you
(06:35):
have no idea about it.
Speaker 3 (06:36):
Go ahead, Jemen, Thank you, Jay.
Speaker 4 (06:38):
So basically what happened is the bus got to the
Golden gate Bridge. One hundred people deboard the bus right there,
with their fanny packs that were multicolored and zippered, and
their foreign access from all over the world, and their
cameras that weren't phones. And they they really were there
to experience the splendor and wonder of this bridge. And
(06:59):
I was there to disappear forever I got off the bus.
But before I got off the bus, here this is
also important. I looked to the bus driver to stop me.
I looked him in his eyes, and waterfalls are flowing
from mine. It's obvious I'm crying. My eyes are red.
And he goes, come on, kid, get off the bus.
I gotta go. And I looked down. I say, all right, man.
(07:21):
I walked down those two steps. I walk across the
two mile stretch of walkway. It is the Golden gate Bridge.
For the next forty minutes, crying, the baby, bikers, joggers, runners, tourists,
patrol officers searching for suicidal people all went by me
at least twice. Now, to be fair, Jay, those officers
(07:44):
had not been trained in the year two thousand in
suicide prevention. They are today. I've trained many of them,
and today those officers saved between fifty and one hundred
and twenty lives every year, and that's incredible. He did
not have that protocol for me, right, So I get
we didn't.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Talk about mental health back then, and oh no, it
hard to recognize. And I still think we're ways away,
but at least having these conversations now, it's light years
ahead of that.
Speaker 4 (08:10):
So I get to a particular light rail, a very
specific light rol which I will not name, but I
know very well even now. I stood over that light
rail and I profusely cried my tears to the waters below,
and a woman from my left approached me with a
big smile, giant sunglasses, and I thought, this lady's gonna
ask me if I'm okay. I don't have to do this.
(08:33):
I don't have to die today, and she approached. I
waited for the ru okay, and then she pulled out
a digital camera and said, will you take my picture?
And I couldn't believe it. Yeah, I was like, you
gotta be kidding me. She doesn't see the pain I'm
right now. Maybe it's maybe the sun's in her eyes.
But I left the fate of my life in a
(08:53):
complete stranger's hands and that was a mistake, and that
wasn't her fault. What happened next to I took her
picture several times, about five times. She took her camera back,
and she walked away. But she didn't walk away twenty
eight yards off the bridge. She walked back across again,
the entire two mile stretch of walkway, which is what
(09:14):
people did at the ninth wonder of the world, the
Golden Gate Bridge, every day to experience all of its
glorious beauty, where I was there to destroy all of mine.
Jay when she walked away, I said to myself, absolutely
no one cares the furthest thing from the truth. Let
me articulate that even further today, about half an hour ago,
(09:38):
I finished a talk in front of two thousand high
school students. And when I asked those students, by honest
to God, raise the hands. Had any of you seen
me that day on the bridge, nineteen year old young me,
ready to take my life, ready to leave my family forever.
(09:59):
How many of you in this audience would have cared?
One hundred percent of the audience, both students, staff, and
counselors raise their hands. That's beautiful, right, It's it's gorgeous.
And we can say that about anyone, But we can't
get the help we need if we aren't willing to
ask for it and exhaust that ask until we get it.
(10:23):
Because it's not everyone, and.
Speaker 3 (10:25):
You aren't asking for help.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
You were hoping somebody recognize the right exactly you were
crying for help, but you weren't asking.
Speaker 4 (10:30):
I wasn't asked, difference, but I was also, Jay, in
complete denial of my disease. I don't have this illness.
I'm not flawed. There's nothing wrong with me, you know.
And so in that denial, I lied to myself, I
lied to my family, I lied to my friends, and
I almost die because of it. So what I'm here
to say, Jay, is to your audience, to everyone that listens, views, watching, subscribes.
(10:53):
Don't learn the hard way like I did. Bag plead
and ask for help whenever you need it to everyone,
And it's not going to be everybody that comes to
your aid, because not everybody is willing or able to
empathize with that kind of pain period.
Speaker 6 (11:09):
When people just are on equipped now, people can't do it.
Some people don't have the empathy, they can't make they
can't shake it. But by the sheer probability of the
number of people you turn to someone will be willing
to answer your call. And Jay, I can prove right message.
I can prove that in the last twenty three years,
since my attempt off that bridge you see behind me,
(11:31):
I have been chronically suicidal for twenty three years. It
doesn't happen every day, it happens often enough, Jay, you understand,
and those chronic suicidal ideations they're insidious. They're inspid, and
they perseparate in your brain and you feel like you
can't get the loop out of your head when that happens.
I do exactly two things.
Speaker 4 (11:50):
Every time I find a mirror, Jay, in any room,
I find a mirror wherever I am, I look in
that mirror and I say, first, my thoughts do not
have to to come my actions, they can simply be
my thoughts. And the second thing I do, Jay, is
I turn to anyone in front of me. And Jay,
if I was feeling this way right now, if I
was Sue's settled right now, which I'm not, I would
(12:11):
say to you right now for effective, purposeful words, Jay,
I want you to repeat them after me. Ready, I
right need need help, help now.
Speaker 3 (12:25):
Now Okay, So how would I support you there? Right?
Speaker 4 (12:29):
But first of all, do you know how hard that
is for some people? Sure, it's so hard to look
someone in the eyes and say I need help now
and then describe what you need right? But I do
it every time everywhere I go, And in twenty three
years of being suicidal, I've done that to people all
around the world, sometimes who I don't know from Adam,
and they have stepped up. For twenty three years, people
have stepped up and kept me safe from myself.
Speaker 3 (12:53):
Now I'll be here, and so here's my question.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
And again we're about to get to Kevin's story also
where he does job.
Speaker 3 (12:59):
So I help people, We're saying, hey, what happened next?
Speaker 2 (13:01):
Well, more importantly, how would I support you right there
when you say to me, I need help now?
Speaker 4 (13:06):
So this is crucial Jay for your whole audience. It
doesn't mean you have to put them in a psych ward.
Do you have to call the police now that if
that's necessary for a cute situation.
Speaker 3 (13:15):
I get that.
Speaker 4 (13:16):
I've been there ten times, psyche Words stays myself. I
get it. What I'm saying is I often need somebody
to sit beside me and listen to understand, not to respond.
I don't need your advice. I need to know you're there.
I need to know you've got my back.
Speaker 3 (13:31):
So, but how would I do that? How would I say?
What would I say to you like I want to
get specifically? What would I say? Would I just say, Kevin,
how can I help you?
Speaker 4 (13:37):
What is it?
Speaker 3 (13:38):
What does it look like for you right now? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (13:40):
This is what it looks like. What do you need
from me right now?
Speaker 3 (13:44):
Okay?
Speaker 4 (13:45):
Meet them where they're at, and then I would I
would also say this. I would say, look, hey, I
care about you, maybe even love the person I love you.
Here are three questions I'm going to ask you right
now because I am very worried, but I want you
to be one hundred percent honest with your answers. I'm
not gonna accept anything else, and I want you to
know I am not going to judge your answers. I'm
(14:06):
gonna be here for you. Are you thinking of killing yourself?
Have you made plans to take your life? Do you
have the means? That does not put the thought in
their mind if it's not already there, that's a myth.
It gives them permission to speak on their pain. And Jay,
a pain shared is a pain had.
Speaker 3 (14:26):
So if you're saying to me, yes, I am planning, yeah,
is my action to then say, okay, then we've got
to go get your help now. Yes, we've got to call.
Speaker 4 (14:36):
We've got to call nine to eight. We've got to
text CNQR to seven four and seven for one in
the crisis text line. We have got to reach out
to the mental support systems we know and love in
our lives. If we're if we're the kind of people
like you, Jay, who does this work on a daily basis,
on top of the other work you do in sports
and fitness, like it's in martial arts. You know, you
find the people that you know in your life have
(14:56):
the resources, have the tools, have the ability to share
information with someone to get them to a safe place.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
And you know, and if you say no, I'm not
looking to feel myself. I just need to voice it.
I want to act like I would. Okay, Well I'm
here for you. Yeah, yeah, I'm here for you.
Speaker 3 (15:11):
I love you, brother.
Speaker 4 (15:12):
I just sit right here and I put my hand
on your shoulder and I listen, I listen.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
I give you a virtual hug. Right yeah, right, now,
take us to the bridge.
Speaker 4 (15:20):
Absolutely, So the bus guts to go and get bridge.
Everybody the boards. I go, I find that light rail
leading over that light rail, the woman comes up. I
take her picture. She walks away. At that moment, Jay,
I said to myself, absolutely no one cares, which is,
you know, is the greatest live I've ever told. Giving
what I just told earlier, everybody cared. Nobody knew where
I was and what I was doing. And then I
(15:40):
leapt off the Golden Gate Bridge after hearing a voice
in my head saying jump, now I did. I held
two hundred and forty feet twenty five stories.
Speaker 3 (15:48):
Oh wait wait, so on the way down two hundred
and forty feet?
Speaker 4 (15:51):
Yeah, how many stories? Twenty five?
Speaker 3 (15:53):
What is racing through your head as you're descending? What
have I just done?
Speaker 4 (15:58):
It? I want to die, God, please save me?
Speaker 3 (16:00):
Not to God. Really yep.
Speaker 4 (16:02):
So the moment you did it, moment I had regret,
a taneous regret for my actions and the one hundred
percent recognition that I just made the greatest mistake in
my life. It was too late.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
Oh my god.
Speaker 4 (16:12):
Yeah, for ninety nine percent of the people that I
left off that bridge, it's been too late. In ninety years,
nearly a century of that bridge being open. Okay, ninety
nine point nine percent of the people who've left off
that bridge do not exist. Thirty nine individuals in ninety
years have survived that fall. Twenty six remain alive today.
(16:34):
My name died of natural causes of old age. Nineteen
have come forward to say after I did, they all
had the exact same instant regret that I had. Five
of the survivor five of the survivors, including myself, get
the privileged to stand, walk and run. They call us
the most exclusive survivors club in the world. Wow in
(16:57):
the water, Jay, As I flailed almost so, you hit
the water, hit the water. How did you survive that well?
Speaker 3 (17:04):
And what are most people die from? Is it the
impact in the water?
Speaker 4 (17:08):
Is it? There's tons of ways to die off the
Golden get Bridge jet. They're mostly very quick and violent.
I'd rather not get into like the severity of it,
because it's I don't want people to ruminate on it.
That could be dangerous. But I would say this, there
is one way to survive that fall, and all of
the survivors have survived in the same way, which I'm
(17:29):
not going to repeat. I don't want anybody to minimic
that activity. Yeah, but most people. But people don't understand
is most people die upon impact in very very very
violent ways.
Speaker 3 (17:39):
So you've got to land a certain way that you
don't really have control over. You have no like somebody
can go I.
Speaker 4 (17:43):
Can do this and yeah, give no control, which is
why most people die, right, Yeah, Okay, So this vacuum
sucks me under seventy feet neath the water service because
of the velocity which I've fallen. You hit the water
jay at fifteen thousand pounds of pressure. Because the velocity
which you fall I go down seventy feet. I opened
my eyes. I'm drowning and I don't want to and
(18:05):
I'm freaking out. I swim in any direction I'm going down.
My eyes begin to bulge, my ears begin to ring.
I knew I was the pressure. I shot for the
opposite direction of the surface as fast as my arms
would take me. I could not feel my legs. They
were moving. It was the fastest I ever swam in
my life. That's all I wanted to do was live.
I got closer and closer to the lit circle of
water above me, and I started to convulse. My head
(18:29):
started going back. My eyes began to roll in the
back of my head. I remember thinking, I can't die here.
If I die here, no one will ever know. I
didn't want to No one will ever know. I knew
I made a mistake. I break the surface of the water.
I bob up and down in it, and I did
the one thing I've had control over since kindergarten. I prayed, God,
please save me. I don't want to die. I made
a mistake. On repeat, and he heard me. A woman
(18:53):
driving behind a red car at the moment of my
attempt saw me go over, called her friend from her
car phone in the year two thousand, called her friend
in the United States Coast Guard. The only reason the
Coastguard boy arrived behind me was because of that woman's
phone call at the timely manner of which it did
before I would sit out and drown a very few
minute window.
Speaker 3 (19:12):
That's shark infested.
Speaker 4 (19:14):
It is shark infested. And so I'm in the water
and I'm kind of I'm going down. I think I'm
gonna drown. I think this is it. This is where
I go. I can't get to the surface right, And
that's when something began to circle beneath me, and I thought,
you gotta be you gotta be kidnaped. I didn't die
jumping off the Golden Gate bridge, and the shark is
about to devour me. And I take my right hand
(19:35):
because it's the only hand that works. And I'm starting
to this thing and it won't go away. Wow, certainly,
faster and faster, faster and faster, faster and faster. No
longer my waiting in the water, treading in it. I'm
lying on the top of my back being kept boyant
by this creature, thinking that it's a nice shark. I've
named him Herbert. The creature turned out to be no
shark at all.
Speaker 3 (19:55):
Jay.
Speaker 4 (19:55):
It turned out that when I surfaced, the only reason
I surface was because the creature was bumping me to
the surface. And I was on a television program a
year later, promoting a suicide prevention campaign in San Francisco
on ABC News. I said to the show, I thought
there was a shark beneath me in the water. People
wrote into the show from all over the world at
viral online. One man's letter stuck out of all the rest.
(20:18):
Of His name was Morgan. He was from Las Vegas, Nevada,
and he was on the bridge that day with his
mom and he writes to me and he says, Kevin,
I'm so very glad you're alive. I was standing less
than two feet away from you when you jumped. Until
this day, no one would tell me whether you lived
or died. It's haunted me until now. By the way, Kevin,
there was no shark like you mentioned. You thought there
(20:39):
was on the show, But there absolutely was.
Speaker 3 (20:43):
A sea lion.
Speaker 4 (20:44):
No way, that is my friend Herbert right there. No
way they see that's Herbert right there. Yeah, that's Herbert.
And Herbert saved my life. This creature that didn't speak
my language right there was the only ad your bet.
It was the only animal that saved my life that
(21:04):
day And it did not leave from beneath me until
I heard the Coastguard boat and murmur behind me, and
then it took off like a bat of the hell.
Coastguard fishes me onto a flatboard. They secondarily saved my life.
They get me to the hospital. Tertiarily. The doctor there,
one of the foremost back surgeons on the West Coast,
saved my back. Went into my left side. Twenty three
(21:25):
stable scar across my left side. No Mahamaderma is gonna
make that go away. And he went in there. He
restructured my shattered vertebrae with titanium, titanium plates, titanum cages,
titanium pins, the whole nine. That surgery never been done
anything before, never been done to anybody again. He invented
it for me.
Speaker 3 (21:42):
And how many how many injuries did you substand?
Speaker 4 (21:44):
From that? It shouted my T twelve L one, L two,
and I sprained my right ankle, just a sprain right
And so it was a four and a half week
recovery in the physical hospital. I went from a wheelchair
to a walker and a back race to back race
in the cane, then right into my first syde words
because he can't just call him after that, and Jay,
this is not even the kicker. Okay. So my dad
(22:07):
calls me one day and I don't know the date.
I'm not paying attention to the timeline. It's a year
to the date of my attempt. At the exact time
of my attempt. My father calls me, I'm going to
the same city college where he dropped me off the
day I went to attempts to take my life the
year before he picks me up at the exact same
spot he dropped me off a year before when I
went to take my life. We get I get in
(22:29):
the car. We're driving. He goes, Dad, where are we going?
He said, we're going for a drive. Said okay, Dad.
So we go and we're driving down Nineteenth Avenue and
then park Prosidio and you know, it goes only to
the Golden Gate Bridge. I'm like, Dad, I don't want
to do this. He goes, Kevin, we need closure, and
I'm like, you need closure. I need to go one
lay down. I didn't say that. He's six to one,
I'm nine. So we pull over. At that comment, he says,
pick a flower from that flower bed. It's a purple
(22:50):
tools with gold pollen inside. Beautiful flowers. I said, Dad,
that's the police Officer's union building. There's police bikes, police cars,
and police officers in their dress blues in the windows.
I'm not going over there picking a flower at Samsuski.
You get rested. He goes, pick a damn flower. So
I picked the flower. We go to the Golden gate Bridge.
I'm frantically shaking in the car. I'm having a panic attack.
My heart's palpatating on my chest. We get to the bridge,
he says, show me the exact light rail. I knew
(23:11):
exactly where it was. I took him to that light rail.
He held my hand. We said in our father and
hel Mary. We dropped, he said, dropped the flower. I
dropped the flower. He walked it down very slowly, made
the tiniest of ripple effect in the water, and immediately
upon that ripple effect happening two feet to the right,
popped up a settlement.
Speaker 3 (23:30):
No way. Wow.
Speaker 4 (23:32):
Yes, it was the most beautiful ever spent with my
father next to him being the best man at my wedding,
and there was no other choice. All my friends were
pissed off.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
Incredible, absolutely incredible. So how many lives do you think
you saved as a result of this?
Speaker 4 (23:51):
Oh, brother, I don't count. I'll tell you that. Well,
I'll tell you this. I know for a fact that
we've we've done data on some of it. My team
has I don't really do it, but we've done down
some of it. And over the last twenty three years,
literally a couple hundred thousand people have reached out to
say that this story, somehow they heard it, saw it,
(24:11):
view did save their life. I don't say I saved lives.
I'm a conduit. I give a message, you go home.
They do the work. They're saving and changing their own lives.
They hear a message that inspires them. It's the inspiration
that leads them to change.
Speaker 3 (24:23):
So you tell me you feel about this.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
When I've tried to help with the situation, I've tried
to villainize suicide. I don't want to glorify, and then
is too glorify These days, I think, you know, we
see our and this is like the power of suggestion.
Speaker 3 (24:36):
We see somebody commit suicide.
Speaker 2 (24:37):
We all have this outpouring of love, and people who
are going through shitty times go, well, my life stocks
right now. That person gets so much love. I'm gonna
do the same thing. So I try and villainize. So
I just tell people, will say, hey, listen, lives about
our choices. First life choice is life or death. Got
to choose life because it's selfish not to because we're
just leaving people with our problems. Now, let's be trying
to villainize. A lot of people react positively that to that.
(25:00):
A lot of people say that's bullshit. You shouldn't say that.
You wouldn't say its selfish as you have cancer. It's
a disease, but I'm trying to villainize it. What's your
view on that.
Speaker 4 (25:09):
I believe suicide is never the solution to our problem.
It is the problem. I believe suicide ideations are the
greatest liars we know. We don't have to listen to them.
That's why your thoughts don't have to become your actions.
They consider to be your thoughts. I also believe, Jay,
that suicidal people, suicidal ideations and actions are not selfish,
(25:30):
because if you are, if you are being selfish, you
have to know you are hurting other people. It has
to be malicious. People who die by suicide or attempt
are in a world of what's called lethal emotional pain.
That lethal emotions. Okay, Jay, look at it. Look at
it like this. What is the say this out loud?
What is the say the response? What is the one
(25:51):
thing you want to happen? When you find yourself an
excruciating physical pain which you're in a lot of relief?
What is that pain? What do you want that relief?
Speaker 3 (25:59):
Right?
Speaker 4 (25:59):
You want to go away, you want it to end,
You wanted to stop right right? So that's physical pain.
I argue that brain pain here is three hundred thousand
times worse physical pain you've ever experienced. I'm in crucial,
excuciating physical pain most days because of what I did
off to go and get bridge. It's painful. My back
is it hurts. It hurts all day. You understand that
(26:22):
more than most so.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
But but you understand also like the other end of
it is, there's a lot of us with that extreme pain,
a lot of us with problems, and I'm trying to
take and they're different, right, but we all we kind
of think, men, our problems are the same as that.
Speaker 3 (26:36):
And that's why for that group of people I'm trying
to who have the choice, Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
I'm trying to villainize and say, man, it's selfish because
you're leaving us with that pain. Don't do that to us.
And I think it's more for that group of people.
I understand there's other group who you're in, the other
group where man, those roommates in our head, they're just
gonna they're gonna win.
Speaker 4 (26:54):
I think that we need to teach people, and I
do it all around the world, is that your soucialidiation
are not your fault. They're not selfish in the sense
of selfishness. They're actually millions and millions of people have them, right, So, yes,
people have these thoughts.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
Yes, but correct and I include myself in that one.
Speaker 3 (27:15):
Again, I'm not gonna do it.
Speaker 4 (27:16):
I'm not gonna right right, Let's normalize the fact that
we have these thoughts. But let's have a purpose driven
point together to say we can help you get past
these thoughts. Your pain does not have to defeat you
in suicide. Instead, let your pain build you, break by
break from the ground up until you're stronger than ever you.
J have been through a lot of pain. I've been
(27:37):
through and go through. We go through a lot of pain.
We're still here. Let us be light lighted examples for
people that are considering taking their lives and help them recognize, no,
it's not selfish, but it's not right. It's not the
right option. You have so many other options. Let's count them.
How about this, Jay, And And what you're saying too.
Speaker 3 (27:58):
Is like I don't need to use tough level the time.
Speaker 2 (28:00):
No, no, no, And that's kind of how you know, Yeah,
that's why I've you know, we're in this what we're
trying to do now. Also, we're all works in progress.
That's why I want to learn. I like to learn
from people like you so I can know, Okay, what
what is the proper way?
Speaker 3 (28:13):
What is well? I don't know if there's a word proper.
What's a better way? What's uh?
Speaker 2 (28:16):
You know, a common ground? If we if we can
because we can grow. And how I talk about it,
how a lot of us talk about it. I never
want to shame anybody, and we're not going to do that.
Speaker 4 (28:26):
And earlier, earlier, you said committed suicide. I'm not going
to tell you what to say. Jay, You've got your
own thing going. I would say people die by suicideide right,
just like they would die of any other organ. Diseased
people forget that the brain is an organ. In fact,
it's the single most powerful organ you wield mostly on
automatic mode, controlling every action in action you take, decision, indecision,
(28:48):
for lack of a better way of saying it, Jay,
if your brain is malfunctioning, there goes rescue. And as
your friend DJ says, we're all projects.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
Right, we're off works in progress.
Speaker 4 (28:59):
We're absolutely we have to put in the work.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
So you're in the hospital after what changes do you
make immediately or start to make so you don't make
this same decision again.
Speaker 4 (29:11):
So I have to really frank with you, Jay, I didn't.
I didn't come to the realization that I needed to change.
For three years after that job, I was in and
out of psyche words. For those three years, I was
a mess.
Speaker 3 (29:21):
Jay.
Speaker 4 (29:22):
I had my physical rehabilitation, I had my first psyche
worts stay. I got the hell out of there. I
didn't want to go back. I went back a year later,
went back a year later. Third syche warts stay involuntary,
forced in against my will those three times. But Jay,
the next seven psyche warts days, I walked in there
and said, I need to be here or I won't
be here. What changed it the moment that things changed.
(29:43):
Maybe this is my unbreakable moment. Okay, the moment things changed.
Really this was visceral. My uncle George on my mom's side,
my favorite uncle on my mom's side, comes into the
hospital on a special admit against visiting hours. He's allowed
in because somebody needs to shake me to my core.
And he comes in with a rolled up magazine in
his right hand. He says, Kevin, your family and friends
(30:06):
can help you until we are blue in the face.
But until and when you take one hundred and ten
percent responsibility, young man, for the fact that you have
this disease and you fight it tooth and nail every
single day. Kidd, ain't nothing in to change. You'll be
in now of these places for the rest of your life.
Is that what you want? I said, no, George, and
he literally said, well get it together, kid, We're counting
(30:27):
on you. And he dropped the magazine, walked out of
the room and said read it. I was like, you're
not my favorite uncle anymore. I yelled that he was
already gone. I reluctantly picked up the magazine and unfolded
it a Time magazine article two thousand and four on
how to battle bipolar disorder, depression, mental illness with routine
(30:47):
and regimen and win. And I was like, wait a minute,
you're saying I can do these things and I might
actually feel better for once. Why did my first three
psychiatrists routine was a good idea. I go into my room,
I read the article through and through. I come out
of there. I put words in action. I changed every
aspect of my life I began. I was pre diabetic.
Speaker 7 (31:07):
You made that change. You made that choice to change.
That made the decision. I made the cognitive decision. I
was pre diabetic. I was nearly three hundred pounds. I
was I was a mess. I was lying in therapy
every therapy session. I was all over the place. I
began telling the truth in therapy every time, all the time,
about everything. I began exercising rigorously, multiple times a day,
(31:31):
with just using the surfaces.
Speaker 3 (31:32):
In my room.
Speaker 4 (31:32):
There's no gym in the psyche ward. I began. I
cut the weight. I began. I went to my case manager.
I said, I'd like to have some therapy with my father.
I think there's something there we need to talk about.
He told me his story. I understood why he was
so hard on me. We came to a connection. Okay.
I went to the nutritionist. I said, what do I do?
I'm overweight? What do I do? She said, you should
(31:53):
stop eating four unhealthy meals for one meal a day.
You're ordering four meals for one meal and they're all
healthy foods. Stop it. And I was like, that's that's
a good idea. I changed every aspect of my routine,
which I didn't really have one before. Right, I woke
up at the same time I went to bed at
the same time I took my pills, at the same
time I exercised at the same time every day in therapy,
(32:15):
I told my truth. It relieved so much for me.
Would I be in seven more sac words, dacious cutil ideation, Yes,
because I fell off my routine, or I messed up,
or I relapsed, or whatever the situation was. But I
walked in there and said I need help now, and
I got it. And today, Jay, I travel around the
(32:36):
world and I share my story and people have all
walks life come up to me and say this story
changed me or saved me. And that's the most incredible
feeling on the face of the planet. And it's the
most cathartic thing I've ever gotten the privileged to do.
And I'm so grateful to be here with you.
Speaker 3 (32:50):
Jed.
Speaker 8 (32:50):
You're a beautiful soul who is doing amazing things from
your seat there, and you are changing the world and
it is it is empowering and it is incredible.
Speaker 4 (33:01):
So keep it up.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
Thank you, brother, I appreciate it. Listen, you're being of service, right,
and that's one of the things I have. You know,
these pillars that I talk about, what you know helps
the roommates in my head talk nicer to each other.
Speaker 3 (33:11):
And it's for all of us.
Speaker 2 (33:13):
I mean, if your service to others, the gray hates that,
it fights you, that gray. Nothing bad could come from
you being of service to others.
Speaker 4 (33:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
And the other thing you're doing is you're now building
that team. Where you were doing it by yourself and
you were expecting a team to.
Speaker 4 (33:31):
Just pasically fear.
Speaker 3 (33:34):
You're now seeking out that team.
Speaker 2 (33:36):
You're not telling people, hey, I'm struggling, I'm this and
you know when you and I first met, by you
just open up and you open up. Obviously, there's certain
things differently we say a little private, right, there's obviously,
but you.
Speaker 3 (33:46):
Really laid it on the lot. That's you building your team. Yeah, right,
that's you opening up building your team. That's what happens, folks,
when you open up to others.
Speaker 2 (33:53):
And I've said here, every time I've opened up to
my friends about this, none of them has told me
to suck it up or oh, come on, glean your
life is great, stop and my life is great, phenomenal,
but between my earsucks and I didn't sign up for it.
You didn't sign up for it. But there are things
that we can do. We don't have to let the
gray win. We don't have to let it push us
(34:15):
off that golden gate bridge. There's things we can do
if we recognize it, if we see it, or if
we make that decision that you're talking about to get
the help.
Speaker 4 (34:24):
We can survive the gray. Jay, Damn right, you can
survive it. You know, on your team. You're on my team.
I need to bring Glan's on my team. Hell yeah,
put it in.
Speaker 3 (34:34):
I like it, brother, Kevin. I appreciate you.
Speaker 4 (34:35):
Man.
Speaker 2 (34:36):
This is being just incredible. Dude, Thank you so much. Man,
Before I let you go, Is there any other quick
story you want to tell that man may blow us
away or may help people?
Speaker 4 (34:47):
Yeah, you know, real quick, So I'll try to condense
this third sepe words day, I finagled my way into
volunteering for the hospital I was staying, which is an
ethical and illegal. I'm wearing civilian clothes and a side
word where everybody else is wearing hospital counts. And I
got to tap my left shoulder and I turn around
and it's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in
(35:08):
my life. And I knew she'd be the rest of
my life. And I quickly said, don't don't tell her
that that's that'd be awkward. And she's looking for her
cousin who's in the hospital because of metha that I'm
being used other drugs.
Speaker 3 (35:20):
He's overdosed.
Speaker 4 (35:21):
I had helped this kid come out of catatonia. He
couldn't move, he couldn't talk. I told him stories until
it's elicited response. Nobody else, not the staff, not the patients,
helped this kid. He was starving in the hospital. Literally,
they're bringing this trail of food they'd taken away full.
I broke my heart. I got him out of catatonia.
I got him to eat, and I meet this woman,
his cousin, and it was magic. And we go into
(35:44):
his room because I show where the room is and
I'm I'm in like I'm in like worker clothes. And
she turns around and goes, your nursing staff is so
nice to her, and he goes that guy. That guy's
a fucking nutball. That guy jumps off bridges.
Speaker 3 (35:59):
Don't talk to that guy.
Speaker 4 (36:00):
And I ran in the room and I said it
was one one. Oh, that's ridiculous. Long story short, Jay.
She gives me outside of the psych ward a first date.
It's a debacle. I get Marinara sauce all over my
white shirt. I get lemon in her eyes. She's crying
mess carriage running down her basebooks as a band, kissing
from the crow. I get hot, boiling butter on her chest.
(36:21):
I try to wipe the butter.
Speaker 3 (36:22):
Off her chest. Right, my god, you know what the
hell are you doing?
Speaker 4 (36:25):
I said, I don't know, but Jay, somehow, this beautiful
woman gave me a second date and is now the
love of my life, my very best friend and my
wife spent teen years. Thank you, Margaret Hines for saving
my life every time I'm suicidal. I will be with
you for the rest of my life. I know you
will be there for the rest of mine.
Speaker 2 (36:45):
Amazing, Bob, absolutely amazing. Like, as you know, man, I'm
fifty three. I finally fell love.
Speaker 3 (36:51):
Yeah, you never know where it's in the coup. You
never know. I just you know, did something recently.
Speaker 2 (36:55):
You're one away, right, You're one conversation away, You're one
phone call away, You're one chance meeting away. I could
just change your life, right, just one. That's why we
have to have faith, because you never know when that
one's gonna.
Speaker 3 (37:05):
Come, right, faith is important.
Speaker 4 (37:08):
I have faith in God. You know that, you too,
your self. People don't. That's fine. We're not pushing.
Speaker 3 (37:13):
It's that's our choice.
Speaker 4 (37:14):
That's our choice. We want you who don't have that
faith have faith in yourself, have faith in the human
condition and the idea that you can change your pain
to purpose and you can always, no matter what, survive
that pain.
Speaker 3 (37:31):
Look, can I choose that faith? Because you know it's
my choice. I just feel I'm not alone.
Speaker 2 (37:35):
I have a best friend and best friend, my parent
with me and God and that helps me.
Speaker 3 (37:38):
That's my choice.
Speaker 2 (37:39):
Doesn't hurt me. To do doesn't hurt Try it old faith.
If you don't want to, you don't want you. Again,
We're not pushing it. Hey, Kevin Man, I love you, dude.
I'm so proud that.
Speaker 3 (37:49):
You're my new teammate.
Speaker 2 (37:51):
And like I'd like to tell a lot of my
guests here, I'm so proud that we're walking this walk together.
Speaker 3 (37:55):
You my friend. To be able to walk this walk
is incredible.
Speaker 4 (38:00):
Yeah, thank you, Jan your brother.
Speaker 3 (38:02):
Love you.
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