November 10, 2025 • 32 mins
Meet Baxie: a 78-year-old teacher, wife, mother and grandmother who has lived a life full of love, laughter, and resilience. From a chance-meeting college romance to raising three kids, decades in the classroom, and caring for her husband through Alzheimer’s, Bax shares the lessons that have guided her through life’s toughest and most joyful moments.
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Speaker 1 (00:14):
Personally with the Long Duelsman.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
The second episode in the two part series of Conversations
with My Friends at Aves Garden. Ave's Garden is a
senior living facility here in Nashville, and Remy and I
started volunteering there as a therapy animal team many years ago. Now.
It showed me how often our seniors are forgotten about
within their communities. So I'm hopeful that this series and
the last one we did a couple months ago, that
(00:39):
I can encourage more people to volunteer and get involved
with the senior living facility that's near you. The stories
they have to share are so wonderful and full of
wisdom and knowledge and advice. This week we are talking
to Backsei. She's seventy eight years old and has a
lifetime of knowledge as a teacher, a stay at home mom,
a working mom, a wife, and so many more things.
(01:00):
So it's time for you all to meet her. Let's
go Welcome this week to the podcast. I want to
call you Banksey. Do you know who Banksy is? It's
a very famous like anonymous author artist right now?
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Oh okay, but you are Baxy.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
Where did this name come from?
Speaker 1 (01:25):
Backsey nickname for Baxter Okay. My dad thought I was
going to be a boy, and Baxter was my grandmother's
maiden name, and he was going to name his son Baxter.
And it turned out I was a girl. And he's
still named me Baxter.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
It doesn't matter.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
My mother came up with Backsy is a nickname.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
So have you been backseyed pretty much your entire life?
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Then? Yes?
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Okay, And so nobody really knows you as Baxter.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
It's some people call me Baxter.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Okay. How do you feel about that?
Speaker 1 (01:56):
Okay, because it's really somebody that really knows me that
would call me Baxter.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
It feels more professional if you were in a work setting,
Miss Baxter.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
I don't know about that.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
But talk to me about your life. I want to
hear your life story through your eyes, and we can
start wherever you want, but maybe from childhood to now.
Give me a picture of your life.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Okay. I was born in New Orleans and lived there
till I came up to school to Vanderbilt. But my
day had always had a boat, so I spent a
lot of time on the water. Spent a lot of
time on the Mississippi Gulf coast, where a lot of
his family was born and raised, went to a girls
school from fifth grade to twelfth grade. Came to Vanderbilt
(02:41):
because the ratio of boys to girls was three to one.
It snowed and it was a good school.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
So much better than the girls' school. Yeah, okay, I'm
following exactly. And is that where did you meet your husband?
Speaker 1 (02:56):
Yes? Did you get my husband there? He was in
law school and I was in undergraduate We met and
I guess sixty seven and married in sixty nine.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
Okay, and still married.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
Today, have fifty six years. Wow, we'll get.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
To that part because I'm gonna need to know how
you lasted fifty six years. But you guys meet in college,
then what did your life look like after college?
Speaker 1 (03:18):
He was in law school and it was when people
were still being called to He was drafted. But since
he was in law school and he had some experience,
he went to a military high school. He could go
into the not ROTC, but maybe it was OROTC, take
ROTC courses and he wouldn't have to be drafted. He
(03:40):
could stay and finish in law school, but he would
owe the government two years in the army.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Okay, so drafted no matter what. It was just a
difference of timing. Yeah, okay, so he ended up graduating
as a lawyer. Yeah, but then he goes to.
Speaker 1 (03:55):
Serve Yes, And we went to Fort Bragg for two years,
and he ended up being the legal officer for the
training center there at Fort Bragg. They were starting to
wind down the war at that point, and when we
first married, he had orders to go to Vietnam, but
(04:15):
they were closing down the training center as time went on,
and his colonel said, Tommy Besey really wouldn't want you
to go to Vietnam, which he couldn't ask Tommy that,
but he could put it through me, and he said,
I need you to help me close the training center,
so I want you to stay here. He worked that
(04:35):
out for us.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
Was that a big relief for you his life?
Speaker 1 (04:39):
It was definitely.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
I'm sure at that time too, you were seen around
you a lot of people that were serving and your friends,
I would imagine their husbands. Was that part of that experience.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
We lived off campus, off campus, off the base, and
so half the people that in our little subdivision were
maybe related to the Service and the other half wasn't,
So we saw a little bit of both.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
Yeah, So you were like Okay, you're going to serve,
but thankfully you're going to serve here. You don't have
to go anywhere. And did he service two years and
then he was done? Yes, so stopped after and went
to officially being just a lawyer.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (05:19):
And what about you? What did your life look like
in this time?
Speaker 1 (05:22):
Okay, I majored in math in college and got my
secondary education degree so I could teach school. So I
taught it on base for about a half a year.
I came in January to a class that had driven
off to two teachers the semester before. So I taught
(05:42):
school for while he was in the service in North Carolina.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Did you like teaching? Was that something you had always
wanted to do.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
I always loved math, and I was always helping my
classmates in math, and even sometimes helping the teacher in math,
And so I thought, if I ever have to have
a job, this is what I would want to do.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
Back See, I'm gonna be really honest with you. The
one subject I was terrible at and school was math.
And I still to the day don't think I can
do much math.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
Well, you know, some people are gifted in other ways.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
Yes, sEH very much. I could do just about everything else,
but math was always my kryptonite. I just it was
the one thing I couldn't quite figure out. Did you
continue teaching after he left the service?
Speaker 1 (06:24):
We had a baby right away when we got back
to Tennessee, and I stayed home twelve years and then
went back when the kids by then by the time
I went back to teaching after twelve years, and we
had three kids and they were in like second grade,
fifth grade, and seventh grade.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
What was it like for you as a stay at
home mom. Was that something you wanted?
Speaker 1 (06:48):
Yes, I enjoyed being home with the kids, but then
they would go to Mother's day out and I'd get
babysitters and go do fun things too.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
Yeah. So you had the experience of both getting to
be home with him while also I need a break
for a little bit. Yeah, okay, and you go back
to teaching after those twelve years.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
Talked for twenty five years.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
Wow. So when you look at your life and you're
kind of looking over the course of your entire life,
is there things you wish you would have known in
that process, or things you wish people would have told you,
or anything that you just think about and you're like, dang,
I really wish I would have known more about this.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
Not that I can think of off haying okay to me,
I think I've had a pretty happy life and fulfilled life,
and things are a little bit rougher now, but this
is a good place to be in our situation.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
And you and your husband, now, is he still with us?
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Yes he is, he's in memory kyere okay?
Speaker 2 (07:46):
And what is that relationship like now you've married? You
told me fifty six years me about that? How do
you even manage to stay with somebody for fifty six years?
And what does it look like? To me?
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Marriage is not a fifty to fifty proposition. I think
each side has to do a lot more. I think
it's about a ninety ninety with something you work at
and you can't just say you did that so I
get to do this. There has to be compromised and
sometimes you have to give in more than you want,
but you still want to have that marriage and be together.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
Were there moments through your guys as marriage that were
really tough on you guys, and you were like, I
don't know how we made it through this.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
When he first he was a disc attorney and when
we first moved back to his hometown. This was in
seventy three. He was an assistant DA for eleven counties,
so he was on the road a lot, and the
kids were little, and it would have been maybe a
little bit easier for him to be home a little
(08:48):
bit more, but he was the one that was making
the money and providing a living forest, so I couldn't
complain about that.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
Yeah, you have gotten to live both lifestyles, right, The
traditional life's a little bit more of the modern where
you did work and your kids. What are maybe tips
that you can give for people, maybe their new moms,
maybe they're moms who are going through it but through
different phases. It's the stay at home mom and as
the more non traditional mom.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
You just do what you have to do, is what
I would say. I looked at the future and with
his salary and thinking of college is and the kids
going to school, I thought, I need to get back
out in the workforce and help and make a little
money too, so the kids can go to college where
they want to go and so forth.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
Was that hard for you to transition from the stay
at home mom to then going back to work.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
No. The nice thing about teaching is that my hours
were very close to the kids hours, so I didn't
have to worry about babysitting and that type of thing.
When I was out of school they were out of school,
or when they were out of school, so was I,
and that made it easier. So to me, teaching for
(10:01):
a mother is easier than other school jobs for that reason.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
What did you learn about kids? Maybe it's a funny
thing because you were a teacher, but you were also
a mother. What's things that you've learned about kids over
so many years in education and as a mom that
might be wisdom for some other people.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
Some of the students that I had as students, I
wouldn't have given you a nickel farm when I had
him in school, But is a matured and grew up
and so forth. There was this one guy and I
told him, I said, I wouldn't have given a nickel
from you in high school. And he became a great
mechanic and we take our cars to him and I've
told him that. He said, oh, I know, Miss Thompson,
(10:44):
I was just terrible. I was just terrible in school.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
It's so funny to see, I would imagine, now, is
there a lot of those instances where you've had students
when they were really young and now you've gotten to
see where they are in their life.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
Yeah, and it can be rewarding. Times. They'll come back
to you and say, man, I hated you in high school,
but you really did help me with this.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
This, and this. Were you one of those teachers that
was really strict or did you do more of the
fun side of teaching?
Speaker 1 (11:13):
No. I never got the most popular teacher, let's put
it that way. But I think my students did well
when they went to school.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
You wanted it to be an educational experience more than
it was about being their friends, right, And you need
both In all honesty, you need both types of teachers,
and especially in math, you need the educational type because
that's a particular subject that's a little bit hard to
just have fun and also understand what's happening. So I
do understand that.
Speaker 1 (11:43):
What's your age, I'm seventy eight.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Seventy eight. So you get to this different part of
your life and people start to have all these questions
of do you have any regrets, what's something you wish
you did? Is there anything that comes to mind for you?
Speaker 1 (11:56):
Not? Really nothing, not really, how.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
Does that feel to know like you can look back
on your life and you don't have a regret.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
There were things that maybe some of my friends did
in high school that I didn't do. When I went
to the girls high school, a lot of them did
their debut and were growing up in New Orleans. They
were the carnivals and all that stuff, and I was
friends with them, but it was not something that our
family was that involved with. But so somebody might say, oh,
(12:26):
was that something you missed and that not really, it
wasn't that important when you look back at things.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
Is that often when you do look back at things
and you realize that there was stuff that you stressed
out about that weren't actually worth what you stressed out about.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Probably, But there again, what would have to think about
that for a while to come up with the answer.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
They are, is there stuff you're really glad that you
did do and you made sure that you made happen
in your life? Because I think you talk to people
and they look at their life and they're like, Oh,
I'm really glad that I made sure I traveled, I'm
really glad that I got married, And what are those
keystone moments.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Where I wanted to be married. That was It was
something that I just assumed would happen at some point
in time in my life. I've retired from teaching in
seven and right at that same time, my sister came
down with ovarian cancer, and it was just a good
time that I did retire. She lived in Pennsylvania and
(13:28):
we were in Tennessee, but I got to spend about
three months of the last ten months of her life.
I would go up there every two or three weeks
and spend a good bit of time helping care for
her and so forth. I'm really sorry, but I was
glad that I had that opportunity.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
The spending time with people that you loved, Yeah, it's
such an important part that often it's difficult to make
time for and life is happening. Yeah, but it's cool
to hear you say that was a priority for you. Yeah,
and you can look at that moment and know I
did everything, yeah that I could.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
She was ten and a half years older than I was,
so in a way she was like a second mother too.
Speaker 2 (14:09):
Oh was that your only sister? Did you have other siblings?
Speaker 1 (14:13):
I have a brother that's still with us.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
Okay, And how close are you guys today.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
He was nine and a half years older, so I
was kind of like an only child in a way.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
You were the baby.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
I was the baby.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
Yes, child, you were. Did you have a different experience
than them growing up? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (14:29):
I think I did, because they were in high school
or even through college by the time I started doing
some things. Every so often, my mother would make my
sister take me on a date when she'd have a
babysitter for me or something.
Speaker 2 (14:46):
So you would be the third wheel on the day,
and I'd sit between the two of them. Hey, that
was a learning experience for her to figure out how
the guy handled things. Yeap, that was great. What was
your favorite date that you went on with her? That?
Speaker 1 (14:59):
Take me to the movies?
Speaker 2 (15:01):
I love this. Yeah, and you just sit there in
between them. Yeah, we did. They get you popcorn and
candy and everything.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
One time my sister got sick and the boy came
and took me. Anyway, tell me that boy ended up
to be the husband. No, he didn't, but that was
a good one. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
I wonder where he is today.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
He's still in New Orleans. I think he's still alive.
I'm not quite sure how he was his sister's funeral, so,
but it's been several years since then.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
Did watching your sister date and having those experiences help
you understand what you were looking for? Because you did
say you really wanted to get married.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
She got divorced a couple of years after she got married,
So the first one turned out not to be the
best one.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
Do you learn some lessons through that? What was the
things when you first met your husband? Can you tell
me your guess his first meeting story? You said you
met in college.
Speaker 1 (15:54):
He had a job off campus giving exercise to recruits
for the police department and for the highway patrol in Donaldson,
And on the weekends he would come and sometimes crash
at one of a good friend's apartment in town. And
at the end of the year he had gotten a
cake of beer and to thank him and invited people
(16:18):
over to have a kind of an end of the
school thing. And I had a date with a friend
of Tommy's that he had just run into on the
Cave golf course. They were both running and Tommy said,
come on. And Tommy asked the boy who he had
a date with, and he described me, and he said, oh,
I know who she is. You all come on to
the party.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
So this is your Chris's first day?
Speaker 1 (16:39):
No, it was I was with this other guy, our
first date, and who I always thought was the really
cutest guy in the world, and I was so excited
to have a date with him. And then we went
to the party and I met Tommy and I could
have cared less after that for that boy.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
That is so funny. So that moment forward was your
guys is yes? Yeah? How quickly after the party did
you guys go on your first day?
Speaker 1 (17:06):
Temmy says it was the next night, but I thought
it was the next week. I'm not quite sure, but
it was pretty quick.
Speaker 2 (17:11):
So you both felt the same way, I guess. So
was it Do you guys look at that and say
it was love at first sight?
Speaker 1 (17:19):
Sometimes he had to he was fighting it. Shall we say, Okay,
he put up a little bit of a struggle, but
I slowly reeled him in.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
Was it love at first sight?
Speaker 1 (17:31):
For you? It was? So you very much believe in that.
Speaker 2 (17:34):
But that's a possibility. And did you learn things about
yourself over the course of your marriage and relationship with
him that maybe you hadn't learned about yourself quite yet
because you were I would assume somewhere twenty twenty one
when you met him.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
Yeah, I can go ahead. See I would have been
twenty yeah, Okay, so it's twenty two when we married.
Speaker 2 (17:57):
Okay, So met around twenty yeah, and got married a few.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
Years later, and he's five years older, so he was
twenty seven, okay, And you're.
Speaker 2 (18:05):
Telling me you had to do the convincing with him. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
He was the first, the oldest of four boys, and
the first one to maybe be in the situation to
get married and so forth. And it was just a
little hard for him to settle down.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
Maybe, But it's always the guys. Yeah, it's the first plunge.
But you probably too. Do you recall your guys his
proposal when he did propose to you.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
My parents at this point were living in the Bahamas,
and Tommy and I had both gone down there and
with he. I didn't realize it, but he was going
to propose down there, and my grandmother was still alive
and she had taken us out to dinner. I got
up and go to the bathroom. Timmy tells my grandmother
(18:58):
that he's going to as me to marry him, and
so I come back to the table and my grandmother says, oh,
I hear you all were getting married. So that was
our proposal.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
No, right before it's supposed to happen. Did he just
go run in the face.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
No, I can't really remember what happened after that.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
But so did he have the ring with him?
Speaker 1 (19:19):
Didn't have a ring? Okay, But we came back to
Tennessee and we went shopping and we picked out one,
and then we came back later and picked it up
and turned out it was a little bit bigger one
than he had showed me the first time around.
Speaker 2 (19:32):
And wow, gosh, Grandma, how did you do that? Did
he just kind of look at you potentially and was like,
so you want to get married?
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Which is arkward we worked out.
Speaker 2 (19:45):
Obviously you're still married today. So sometimes the it's always
the funny ways that they happened that Sometimes you see
the very grandiose proposals and the things, and those are
often the ones that don't quite work. It's the ones
that happened like this that work out because you learn
roll with the punches. Yeah, and it sounds like both
of you are that. So personality wise, how are each
(20:07):
of you guys? How would you describe each of you guys.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
Okay, he is very outgoing. He's a people person. He
loves people and knows everybody. And I'm probably not quite
as a people person, but I like to know people
too and so forth. But I guess we're both fairly outgoing.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
Okay, that's always beneficial too. Did you guys since you
met at a party and did you guys, were you,
guys the type of couple that loved to host and
do things with your friends and stuff as you guys
were coming up or were you focused on the kid
thing because that happened pretty quickly.
Speaker 1 (20:41):
Yeah, we married two years before the first one came, okay,
but we had just moved back to Nashville. There was
a lot of his classmates lived in Nashville or state
in Nashville, so there was a group of law friends
that we got to be good friends with and would
party with and so forth.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
See. I love learning about the younger version of you
because now you today, what is your life like when
you're in the Apes Garden community? What has that been
like as life has transitioned and your kids have gotten
older and life's been happening.
Speaker 1 (21:16):
It's quite different in a way. I'm enjoying not having
to think about what to cook at night. I enjoy
cooking if you tell me what to make. After a while,
you just get tired of trying to think of what
to cook. I've gotten where I can go back. I'm
playing bridge with friends here at apes, which was something
I did had to give up when I went back
(21:37):
to teaching our kids. Two of our kids live here
in town, so get to see some of the grandchildren
more often. Our third child lives in Lebanon, which in
too far away. Seven grandchildren.
Speaker 2 (21:49):
Wow, So transition from we've got stay at home mom,
and then we had working mom, and now we have grandma.
Speaker 1 (21:58):
Yeah, and great grandma now just grandma, just grandma.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
Okay, grandma? And what what is it like having grandkids?
Is it a different experience than having kids of your own.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
Because you can give them back.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
You don't have to watch everything they do.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
But really it's a different kind of love and you
just you get to enjoy it without all as many
diaper changes and so forth and responsibilities. You can just
enjoy them more.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
Yeah, it's much more of a fun experience. Then you
don't have all the responsibility anymore. What is the hardest part?
Maybe that it's been and maybe it's not hard, maybe
it's just different, but about getting older and life changing.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
With my husband and the Alzheimer's. I still have a husband,
but he's not my husband, and that's been a hard
thing for me to you regret what's going on right now,
to have to be in this situation. This has been
a good place to be that I can get over
(23:03):
to see him very easily as much as I want.
You don't have to get in the car and drive,
and it's pretty easy for the kids to get here
and so forth. So we're trying to make the best
of a unfortunate situation, but not one that we're going
through alone for sure. Yeah, there are lots of people
going through this.
Speaker 2 (23:24):
You have the support here, yes, And that's why I
always find it really important to talk about it, because
it's one of those things that people often find really
difficult to talk about because of how hard it is.
But there's so many people that are going through this,
and I think when people can know that they're not
alone in that experience and that it is hard, and
(23:46):
the emotions and things that you're going through while it's
happening are all very normal, and all you want to
do is love them and be there for them. And
sometimes that's not even an option. Yeah, and I think
that's really hard for people. But to know that there's
others who are experiencing that same thing is really beneficial.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
And it's a support group in a way.
Speaker 1 (24:07):
Yes, yes it is. And sometimes we'll get together and
tell stories about what our husbands are doing, and we
can laugh about some of the things and so forth.
Speaker 2 (24:18):
Is it helpful for you when you go to see him?
Does he remember some of the earlier days of your guys' relationship?
Speaker 1 (24:25):
I would say so. We don't really talk about it
too much because I don't want him to feel that
he's forgotten things. He's still he would like to go.
He's not quite sure where we're living right now. He's
confused about that. We lived in just a small town
called Heartsville, Tennessee.
Speaker 2 (24:48):
It's okay, it's okay. And what have you learned as
somebody who is not only are you his partner and
his wife, but you are someone who's also dealing with
somebody who has the memory lote. What's something you've learned
in that experience that you know you just wish people knew,
(25:11):
or maybe you just want to share it because it's important.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
I've got to remember that it's not him. At times,
it's the disease, because how just like a child, you
want them to behave and especially when they're out with
people and so forth. And I have to remind myself
that it's not his fault. This is just his progression
(25:37):
and it is what it is. And pick what battles
to fight and what battles to Just if he wants
to sleep in his clothes for three days, it's not
the end of the world. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
Yeah, I'm very much pick and choose what's necessary to
be concerned about.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
Is it also helpful you do have your kids and
your grandchildren. Is it helpful when they're around to support you.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
Definitely, to keep.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
You momentum and continuing to deal with that, Yeah, because
I can imagine the emotional toll it takes on you. You
want to spend time with them, while also that juxtaposition,
is it's also hard? Yes, yes, so getting you to
recharge your batteries, probably, hanging out.
Speaker 1 (26:18):
With your kids, Yeah, it helps, it helps.
Speaker 2 (26:20):
And playing games with the friends downstairs.
Speaker 1 (26:24):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (26:25):
How do you take care of yourself now? Because you
were you look amazing. What's the secret to you and
your health?
Speaker 1 (26:31):
I walk five miles every morning. You walk. I don't
even walk five miles every day.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
That's incredible.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
Have you done that your whole life? Or is this
a newer thing.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
I've always been doing exercise or playing tennis or whatever.
In high school I played volleyball and basketball and tennis.
And in college and not for the college team or
anything like that, but I played destraorty and I've played
on Memorial Gymnasium floor.
Speaker 2 (27:00):
That's amazing. So we have an athlete on our hands
over here.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
But I did. I enjoy being outside and I enjoy eating,
and if I walk five miles a day, I can
just about eat what I want.
Speaker 2 (27:14):
That's called balance. Yes, we like it. This is good
and anything else. Is there any other hobbies or things
that you enjoy at this point in your life?
Speaker 1 (27:22):
I like working jukesaw puzzles Okay, yes, puzzles.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
Yes, that's very good for brain health too, I've learned,
and it makes sense why they frustrate me so much,
very much part of that. I always love to end
these episodes with a piece of advice or motivation. So
maybe a piece of life advice. Does that sound like
something you are up for or maybe something that's you're
really passionate about and you just want to share with
(27:47):
the world. That can be an option too.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Let's see, I do have one kind of weird thing
in my life.
Speaker 2 (27:53):
Yeah, please share. I love weird things.
Speaker 1 (27:55):
My mother and daddy were step brother and sister.
Speaker 2 (27:57):
What what Okay? So their parents got together.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
My mother's mother died and my daddy's daddy died. The
surviving parents married when my mother was maybe nine and
my dad twelve, and they grew up together and ended
up getting married.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
Wow. Yeah, was that always a running joke of the family.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
It wasn't a joke, but when they wanted to get
they wanted to get married when my mother was getting
out of high school and they said, no, Eleanor was
my mother's name, you go on to college. If you
still feel the same way, then you'll have our blessings.
Because the parents were worried about if you get a divorce,
if it doesn't work, you're still.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
You're still family.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
You're still family exactly. But they were married like sixty
seven years.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
So okay, So their parents were okay with it as
long as they waited and really thought about us exactly Okay,
but then they ended up being married for sixty some years,
so it worked. That's so crazy. When you learned that story,
were you like, wait what, yeah, it kind I take
you back. You're like, these are your my parents, but
(29:09):
this feels weird.
Speaker 1 (29:10):
I felt like I was special because I only had
one set of grandparents and some of my cousins had
other sets. But so I got doted upon by the
one set of grandparents that I did have.
Speaker 2 (29:22):
Wow, that's so fun. Fun fact?
Speaker 1 (29:24):
Is that?
Speaker 2 (29:25):
The fun fact that you always brought it when you would.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
Go yeah sometimes I almost got on a quiz show.
Speaker 2 (29:32):
What like a game song?
Speaker 1 (29:34):
Yeah? I tried out in Nashville, and I know putting
that on my you would feel out what was interesting
about you? And I put that my parents were brother
and sister.
Speaker 2 (29:44):
How did that not get you on? Automatically?
Speaker 1 (29:46):
I got to where we did a like a play show. Okay,
I didn't win. It was Tic Tac dough or something
like that.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
Is it not a good Tic Tac toe play?
Speaker 1 (29:58):
I didn't win the game, so I didn't get to
be on the a contestant on the show. But it
was still a fun experience.
Speaker 2 (30:05):
Wow, that's a very big fun fact. Did anybody else
in your family go on to marry each other or
was it just them?
Speaker 1 (30:11):
Just them? No blood relation there now, no no, But.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
It's always funny because it's not there's no weirdness to
it because they're not related, but they're half related. Yeah,
and more than anything, it would be weird for their
parents than anybody else. Then everybody else is just kind
of okay, yeah, that's a funny story. But the parents
would be the ones to be like, no, we're married first. Wow. Okay,
(30:36):
that was a good thing to end on. Did you
also want to share life advice too, or you.
Speaker 1 (30:42):
Just when we got the diagnosis, it was hard, but
you just have to roll with the punches and just
make the best of the situation and keep going forward,
just do the best you can.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
That is good, and it also sounds like that's what
you guys have been doing in your marriage, your entire life.
So I'm glad that you're here to share your story
and thank you for sharing and also being vulnerable and
also sharing the funny moments. But also just to say
that hopefully as you guys move forward through all of this,
that you just have the support and love that you
(31:18):
need to continue, because.
Speaker 1 (31:20):
That's important to have. It's all that matters.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
If there's anything I've learned in my thirty two years
of life is those that are in your life, who
you love and care for, are genuinely what propel you forward.
Always thank you very much for being here. Thank you,
Thank you. Apes' Garden community is a local treasure here
in Nashville doing amazing work caring for and engaging people
living with memory loss. They're expanding to help even more families,
(31:45):
and they rely on support from people like us. We
all have aging brains, so supporting Ape's Garden benefits us all.
And if you're interested in learning more on how to help,
you can do so at Apesgarden dot org. VACSI wrapped
up this series on senior living residents. But if you
want to hear more of these stories, you know, because
I'm happy to keep doing them. Also, if there are
any other topics you hope to hear, this podcast is
(32:06):
all for you. It's meant to help you and inspire you.
I'm just kind of the vessel that it's going through.
If you will, be sure to check out all these
videos on YouTube. If you're a more visual person like
myself or follow on Instagram at take this personally. I
hope everyone is getting into the holiday spirit. I know
I am, and have a wonderful week. I'm so happy
that you're here. Talk soon.
Personally with the Long Duelsman.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
The second episode in the two part series of Conversations
with My Friends at Aves Garden. Ave's Garden is a
senior living facility here in Nashville, and Remy and I
started volunteering there as a therapy animal team many years ago. Now.
It showed me how often our seniors are forgotten about
within their communities. So I'm hopeful that this series and
the last one we did a couple months ago, that
(00:39):
I can encourage more people to volunteer and get involved
with the senior living facility that's near you. The stories
they have to share are so wonderful and full of
wisdom and knowledge and advice. This week we are talking
to Backsei. She's seventy eight years old and has a
lifetime of knowledge as a teacher, a stay at home mom,
a working mom, a wife, and so many more things.
(01:00):
So it's time for you all to meet her. Let's
go Welcome this week to the podcast. I want to
call you Banksey. Do you know who Banksy is? It's
a very famous like anonymous author artist right now?
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Oh okay, but you are Baxy.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
Where did this name come from?
Speaker 1 (01:25):
Backsey nickname for Baxter Okay. My dad thought I was
going to be a boy, and Baxter was my grandmother's
maiden name, and he was going to name his son Baxter.
And it turned out I was a girl. And he's
still named me Baxter.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
It doesn't matter.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
My mother came up with Backsy is a nickname.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
So have you been backseyed pretty much your entire life?
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Then? Yes?
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Okay, And so nobody really knows you as Baxter.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
It's some people call me Baxter.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Okay. How do you feel about that?
Speaker 1 (01:56):
Okay, because it's really somebody that really knows me that
would call me Baxter.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
It feels more professional if you were in a work setting,
Miss Baxter.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
I don't know about that.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
But talk to me about your life. I want to
hear your life story through your eyes, and we can
start wherever you want, but maybe from childhood to now.
Give me a picture of your life.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Okay. I was born in New Orleans and lived there
till I came up to school to Vanderbilt. But my
day had always had a boat, so I spent a
lot of time on the water. Spent a lot of
time on the Mississippi Gulf coast, where a lot of
his family was born and raised, went to a girls
school from fifth grade to twelfth grade. Came to Vanderbilt
(02:41):
because the ratio of boys to girls was three to one.
It snowed and it was a good school.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
So much better than the girls' school. Yeah, okay, I'm
following exactly. And is that where did you meet your husband?
Speaker 1 (02:56):
Yes? Did you get my husband there? He was in
law school and I was in undergraduate We met and
I guess sixty seven and married in sixty nine.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
Okay, and still married.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
Today, have fifty six years. Wow, we'll get.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
To that part because I'm gonna need to know how
you lasted fifty six years. But you guys meet in college,
then what did your life look like after college?
Speaker 1 (03:18):
He was in law school and it was when people
were still being called to He was drafted. But since
he was in law school and he had some experience,
he went to a military high school. He could go
into the not ROTC, but maybe it was OROTC, take
ROTC courses and he wouldn't have to be drafted. He
(03:40):
could stay and finish in law school, but he would
owe the government two years in the army.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Okay, so drafted no matter what. It was just a
difference of timing. Yeah, okay, so he ended up graduating
as a lawyer. Yeah, but then he goes to.
Speaker 1 (03:55):
Serve Yes, And we went to Fort Bragg for two years,
and he ended up being the legal officer for the
training center there at Fort Bragg. They were starting to
wind down the war at that point, and when we
first married, he had orders to go to Vietnam, but
(04:15):
they were closing down the training center as time went on,
and his colonel said, Tommy Besey really wouldn't want you
to go to Vietnam, which he couldn't ask Tommy that,
but he could put it through me, and he said,
I need you to help me close the training center,
so I want you to stay here. He worked that
(04:35):
out for us.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
Was that a big relief for you his life?
Speaker 1 (04:39):
It was definitely.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
I'm sure at that time too, you were seen around
you a lot of people that were serving and your friends,
I would imagine their husbands. Was that part of that experience.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
We lived off campus, off campus, off the base, and
so half the people that in our little subdivision were
maybe related to the Service and the other half wasn't,
So we saw a little bit of both.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
Yeah, So you were like Okay, you're going to serve,
but thankfully you're going to serve here. You don't have
to go anywhere. And did he service two years and
then he was done? Yes, so stopped after and went
to officially being just a lawyer.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (05:19):
And what about you? What did your life look like
in this time?
Speaker 1 (05:22):
Okay, I majored in math in college and got my
secondary education degree so I could teach school. So I
taught it on base for about a half a year.
I came in January to a class that had driven
off to two teachers the semester before. So I taught
(05:42):
school for while he was in the service in North Carolina.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Did you like teaching? Was that something you had always
wanted to do.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
I always loved math, and I was always helping my
classmates in math, and even sometimes helping the teacher in math,
And so I thought, if I ever have to have
a job, this is what I would want to do.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
Back See, I'm gonna be really honest with you. The
one subject I was terrible at and school was math.
And I still to the day don't think I can
do much math.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
Well, you know, some people are gifted in other ways.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
Yes, sEH very much. I could do just about everything else,
but math was always my kryptonite. I just it was
the one thing I couldn't quite figure out. Did you
continue teaching after he left the service?
Speaker 1 (06:24):
We had a baby right away when we got back
to Tennessee, and I stayed home twelve years and then
went back when the kids by then by the time
I went back to teaching after twelve years, and we
had three kids and they were in like second grade,
fifth grade, and seventh grade.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
What was it like for you as a stay at
home mom. Was that something you wanted?
Speaker 1 (06:48):
Yes, I enjoyed being home with the kids, but then
they would go to Mother's day out and I'd get
babysitters and go do fun things too.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
Yeah. So you had the experience of both getting to
be home with him while also I need a break
for a little bit. Yeah, okay, and you go back
to teaching after those twelve years.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
Talked for twenty five years.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
Wow. So when you look at your life and you're
kind of looking over the course of your entire life,
is there things you wish you would have known in
that process, or things you wish people would have told you,
or anything that you just think about and you're like, dang,
I really wish I would have known more about this.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
Not that I can think of off haying okay to me,
I think I've had a pretty happy life and fulfilled life,
and things are a little bit rougher now, but this
is a good place to be in our situation.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
And you and your husband, now, is he still with us?
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Yes he is, he's in memory kyere okay?
Speaker 2 (07:46):
And what is that relationship like now you've married? You
told me fifty six years me about that? How do
you even manage to stay with somebody for fifty six years?
And what does it look like? To me?
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Marriage is not a fifty to fifty proposition. I think
each side has to do a lot more. I think
it's about a ninety ninety with something you work at
and you can't just say you did that so I
get to do this. There has to be compromised and
sometimes you have to give in more than you want,
but you still want to have that marriage and be together.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
Were there moments through your guys as marriage that were
really tough on you guys, and you were like, I
don't know how we made it through this.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
When he first he was a disc attorney and when
we first moved back to his hometown. This was in
seventy three. He was an assistant DA for eleven counties,
so he was on the road a lot, and the
kids were little, and it would have been maybe a
little bit easier for him to be home a little
(08:48):
bit more, but he was the one that was making
the money and providing a living forest, so I couldn't
complain about that.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
Yeah, you have gotten to live both lifestyles, right, The
traditional life's a little bit more of the modern where
you did work and your kids. What are maybe tips
that you can give for people, maybe their new moms,
maybe they're moms who are going through it but through
different phases. It's the stay at home mom and as
the more non traditional mom.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
You just do what you have to do, is what
I would say. I looked at the future and with
his salary and thinking of college is and the kids
going to school, I thought, I need to get back
out in the workforce and help and make a little
money too, so the kids can go to college where
they want to go and so forth.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
Was that hard for you to transition from the stay
at home mom to then going back to work.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
No. The nice thing about teaching is that my hours
were very close to the kids hours, so I didn't
have to worry about babysitting and that type of thing.
When I was out of school they were out of school,
or when they were out of school, so was I,
and that made it easier. So to me, teaching for
(10:01):
a mother is easier than other school jobs for that reason.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
What did you learn about kids? Maybe it's a funny
thing because you were a teacher, but you were also
a mother. What's things that you've learned about kids over
so many years in education and as a mom that
might be wisdom for some other people.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
Some of the students that I had as students, I
wouldn't have given you a nickel farm when I had
him in school, But is a matured and grew up
and so forth. There was this one guy and I
told him, I said, I wouldn't have given a nickel
from you in high school. And he became a great
mechanic and we take our cars to him and I've
told him that. He said, oh, I know, Miss Thompson,
(10:44):
I was just terrible. I was just terrible in school.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
It's so funny to see, I would imagine, now, is
there a lot of those instances where you've had students
when they were really young and now you've gotten to
see where they are in their life.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
Yeah, and it can be rewarding. Times. They'll come back
to you and say, man, I hated you in high school,
but you really did help me with this.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
This, and this. Were you one of those teachers that
was really strict or did you do more of the
fun side of teaching?
Speaker 1 (11:13):
No. I never got the most popular teacher, let's put
it that way. But I think my students did well
when they went to school.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
You wanted it to be an educational experience more than
it was about being their friends, right, And you need
both In all honesty, you need both types of teachers,
and especially in math, you need the educational type because
that's a particular subject that's a little bit hard to
just have fun and also understand what's happening. So I
do understand that.
Speaker 1 (11:43):
What's your age, I'm seventy eight.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Seventy eight. So you get to this different part of
your life and people start to have all these questions
of do you have any regrets, what's something you wish
you did? Is there anything that comes to mind for you?
Speaker 1 (11:56):
Not? Really nothing, not really, how.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
Does that feel to know like you can look back
on your life and you don't have a regret.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
There were things that maybe some of my friends did
in high school that I didn't do. When I went
to the girls high school, a lot of them did
their debut and were growing up in New Orleans. They
were the carnivals and all that stuff, and I was
friends with them, but it was not something that our
family was that involved with. But so somebody might say, oh,
(12:26):
was that something you missed and that not really, it
wasn't that important when you look back at things.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
Is that often when you do look back at things
and you realize that there was stuff that you stressed
out about that weren't actually worth what you stressed out about.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Probably, But there again, what would have to think about
that for a while to come up with the answer.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
They are, is there stuff you're really glad that you
did do and you made sure that you made happen
in your life? Because I think you talk to people
and they look at their life and they're like, Oh,
I'm really glad that I made sure I traveled, I'm
really glad that I got married, And what are those
keystone moments.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Where I wanted to be married. That was It was
something that I just assumed would happen at some point
in time in my life. I've retired from teaching in
seven and right at that same time, my sister came
down with ovarian cancer, and it was just a good
time that I did retire. She lived in Pennsylvania and
(13:28):
we were in Tennessee, but I got to spend about
three months of the last ten months of her life.
I would go up there every two or three weeks
and spend a good bit of time helping care for
her and so forth. I'm really sorry, but I was
glad that I had that opportunity.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
The spending time with people that you loved, Yeah, it's
such an important part that often it's difficult to make
time for and life is happening. Yeah, but it's cool
to hear you say that was a priority for you. Yeah,
and you can look at that moment and know I
did everything, yeah that I could.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
She was ten and a half years older than I was,
so in a way she was like a second mother too.
Speaker 2 (14:09):
Oh was that your only sister? Did you have other siblings?
Speaker 1 (14:13):
I have a brother that's still with us.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
Okay, And how close are you guys today.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
He was nine and a half years older, so I
was kind of like an only child in a way.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
You were the baby.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
I was the baby.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
Yes, child, you were. Did you have a different experience
than them growing up? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (14:29):
I think I did, because they were in high school
or even through college by the time I started doing
some things. Every so often, my mother would make my
sister take me on a date when she'd have a
babysitter for me or something.
Speaker 2 (14:46):
So you would be the third wheel on the day,
and I'd sit between the two of them. Hey, that
was a learning experience for her to figure out how
the guy handled things. Yeap, that was great. What was
your favorite date that you went on with her? That?
Speaker 1 (14:59):
Take me to the movies?
Speaker 2 (15:01):
I love this. Yeah, and you just sit there in
between them. Yeah, we did. They get you popcorn and
candy and everything.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
One time my sister got sick and the boy came
and took me. Anyway, tell me that boy ended up
to be the husband. No, he didn't, but that was
a good one. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
I wonder where he is today.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
He's still in New Orleans. I think he's still alive.
I'm not quite sure how he was his sister's funeral, so,
but it's been several years since then.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
Did watching your sister date and having those experiences help
you understand what you were looking for? Because you did
say you really wanted to get married.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
She got divorced a couple of years after she got married,
So the first one turned out not to be the
best one.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
Do you learn some lessons through that? What was the
things when you first met your husband? Can you tell
me your guess his first meeting story? You said you
met in college.
Speaker 1 (15:54):
He had a job off campus giving exercise to recruits
for the police department and for the highway patrol in Donaldson,
And on the weekends he would come and sometimes crash
at one of a good friend's apartment in town. And
at the end of the year he had gotten a
cake of beer and to thank him and invited people
(16:18):
over to have a kind of an end of the
school thing. And I had a date with a friend
of Tommy's that he had just run into on the
Cave golf course. They were both running and Tommy said,
come on. And Tommy asked the boy who he had
a date with, and he described me, and he said, oh,
I know who she is. You all come on to
the party.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
So this is your Chris's first day?
Speaker 1 (16:39):
No, it was I was with this other guy, our
first date, and who I always thought was the really
cutest guy in the world, and I was so excited
to have a date with him. And then we went
to the party and I met Tommy and I could
have cared less after that for that boy.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
That is so funny. So that moment forward was your
guys is yes? Yeah? How quickly after the party did
you guys go on your first day?
Speaker 1 (17:06):
Temmy says it was the next night, but I thought
it was the next week. I'm not quite sure, but
it was pretty quick.
Speaker 2 (17:11):
So you both felt the same way, I guess. So
was it Do you guys look at that and say
it was love at first sight?
Speaker 1 (17:19):
Sometimes he had to he was fighting it. Shall we say, Okay,
he put up a little bit of a struggle, but
I slowly reeled him in.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
Was it love at first sight?
Speaker 1 (17:31):
For you? It was? So you very much believe in that.
Speaker 2 (17:34):
But that's a possibility. And did you learn things about
yourself over the course of your marriage and relationship with
him that maybe you hadn't learned about yourself quite yet
because you were I would assume somewhere twenty twenty one
when you met him.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
Yeah, I can go ahead. See I would have been
twenty yeah, Okay, so it's twenty two when we married.
Speaker 2 (17:57):
Okay, So met around twenty yeah, and got married a few.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
Years later, and he's five years older, so he was
twenty seven, okay, And you're.
Speaker 2 (18:05):
Telling me you had to do the convincing with him. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
He was the first, the oldest of four boys, and
the first one to maybe be in the situation to
get married and so forth. And it was just a
little hard for him to settle down.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
Maybe, But it's always the guys. Yeah, it's the first plunge.
But you probably too. Do you recall your guys his
proposal when he did propose to you.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
My parents at this point were living in the Bahamas,
and Tommy and I had both gone down there and
with he. I didn't realize it, but he was going
to propose down there, and my grandmother was still alive
and she had taken us out to dinner. I got
up and go to the bathroom. Timmy tells my grandmother
(18:58):
that he's going to as me to marry him, and
so I come back to the table and my grandmother says, oh,
I hear you all were getting married. So that was
our proposal.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
No, right before it's supposed to happen. Did he just
go run in the face.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
No, I can't really remember what happened after that.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
But so did he have the ring with him?
Speaker 1 (19:19):
Didn't have a ring? Okay, But we came back to
Tennessee and we went shopping and we picked out one,
and then we came back later and picked it up
and turned out it was a little bit bigger one
than he had showed me the first time around.
Speaker 2 (19:32):
And wow, gosh, Grandma, how did you do that? Did
he just kind of look at you potentially and was like,
so you want to get married?
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Which is arkward we worked out.
Speaker 2 (19:45):
Obviously you're still married today. So sometimes the it's always
the funny ways that they happened that Sometimes you see
the very grandiose proposals and the things, and those are
often the ones that don't quite work. It's the ones
that happened like this that work out because you learn
roll with the punches. Yeah, and it sounds like both
of you are that. So personality wise, how are each
(20:07):
of you guys? How would you describe each of you guys.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
Okay, he is very outgoing. He's a people person. He
loves people and knows everybody. And I'm probably not quite
as a people person, but I like to know people
too and so forth. But I guess we're both fairly outgoing.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
Okay, that's always beneficial too. Did you guys since you
met at a party and did you guys, were you,
guys the type of couple that loved to host and
do things with your friends and stuff as you guys
were coming up or were you focused on the kid
thing because that happened pretty quickly.
Speaker 1 (20:41):
Yeah, we married two years before the first one came, okay,
but we had just moved back to Nashville. There was
a lot of his classmates lived in Nashville or state
in Nashville, so there was a group of law friends
that we got to be good friends with and would
party with and so forth.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
See. I love learning about the younger version of you
because now you today, what is your life like when
you're in the Apes Garden community? What has that been
like as life has transitioned and your kids have gotten
older and life's been happening.
Speaker 1 (21:16):
It's quite different in a way. I'm enjoying not having
to think about what to cook at night. I enjoy
cooking if you tell me what to make. After a while,
you just get tired of trying to think of what
to cook. I've gotten where I can go back. I'm
playing bridge with friends here at apes, which was something
I did had to give up when I went back
(21:37):
to teaching our kids. Two of our kids live here
in town, so get to see some of the grandchildren
more often. Our third child lives in Lebanon, which in
too far away. Seven grandchildren.
Speaker 2 (21:49):
Wow, So transition from we've got stay at home mom,
and then we had working mom, and now we have grandma.
Speaker 1 (21:58):
Yeah, and great grandma now just grandma, just grandma.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
Okay, grandma? And what what is it like having grandkids?
Is it a different experience than having kids of your own.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
Because you can give them back.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
You don't have to watch everything they do.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
But really it's a different kind of love and you
just you get to enjoy it without all as many
diaper changes and so forth and responsibilities. You can just
enjoy them more.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
Yeah, it's much more of a fun experience. Then you
don't have all the responsibility anymore. What is the hardest part?
Maybe that it's been and maybe it's not hard, maybe
it's just different, but about getting older and life changing.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
With my husband and the Alzheimer's. I still have a husband,
but he's not my husband, and that's been a hard
thing for me to you regret what's going on right now,
to have to be in this situation. This has been
a good place to be that I can get over
(23:03):
to see him very easily as much as I want.
You don't have to get in the car and drive,
and it's pretty easy for the kids to get here
and so forth. So we're trying to make the best
of a unfortunate situation, but not one that we're going
through alone for sure. Yeah, there are lots of people
going through this.
Speaker 2 (23:24):
You have the support here, yes, And that's why I
always find it really important to talk about it, because
it's one of those things that people often find really
difficult to talk about because of how hard it is.
But there's so many people that are going through this,
and I think when people can know that they're not
alone in that experience and that it is hard, and
(23:46):
the emotions and things that you're going through while it's
happening are all very normal, and all you want to
do is love them and be there for them. And
sometimes that's not even an option. Yeah, and I think
that's really hard for people. But to know that there's
others who are experiencing that same thing is really beneficial.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
And it's a support group in a way.
Speaker 1 (24:07):
Yes, yes it is. And sometimes we'll get together and
tell stories about what our husbands are doing, and we
can laugh about some of the things and so forth.
Speaker 2 (24:18):
Is it helpful for you when you go to see him?
Does he remember some of the earlier days of your guys' relationship?
Speaker 1 (24:25):
I would say so. We don't really talk about it
too much because I don't want him to feel that
he's forgotten things. He's still he would like to go.
He's not quite sure where we're living right now. He's
confused about that. We lived in just a small town
called Heartsville, Tennessee.
Speaker 2 (24:48):
It's okay, it's okay. And what have you learned as
somebody who is not only are you his partner and
his wife, but you are someone who's also dealing with
somebody who has the memory lote. What's something you've learned
in that experience that you know you just wish people knew,
(25:11):
or maybe you just want to share it because it's important.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
I've got to remember that it's not him. At times,
it's the disease, because how just like a child, you
want them to behave and especially when they're out with
people and so forth. And I have to remind myself
that it's not his fault. This is just his progression
(25:37):
and it is what it is. And pick what battles
to fight and what battles to Just if he wants
to sleep in his clothes for three days, it's not
the end of the world. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
Yeah, I'm very much pick and choose what's necessary to
be concerned about.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
Is it also helpful you do have your kids and
your grandchildren. Is it helpful when they're around to support you.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
Definitely, to keep.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
You momentum and continuing to deal with that, Yeah, because
I can imagine the emotional toll it takes on you. You
want to spend time with them, while also that juxtaposition,
is it's also hard? Yes, yes, so getting you to
recharge your batteries, probably, hanging out.
Speaker 1 (26:18):
With your kids, Yeah, it helps, it helps.
Speaker 2 (26:20):
And playing games with the friends downstairs.
Speaker 1 (26:24):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (26:25):
How do you take care of yourself now? Because you
were you look amazing. What's the secret to you and
your health?
Speaker 1 (26:31):
I walk five miles every morning. You walk. I don't
even walk five miles every day.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
That's incredible.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
Have you done that your whole life? Or is this
a newer thing.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
I've always been doing exercise or playing tennis or whatever.
In high school I played volleyball and basketball and tennis.
And in college and not for the college team or
anything like that, but I played destraorty and I've played
on Memorial Gymnasium floor.
Speaker 2 (27:00):
That's amazing. So we have an athlete on our hands
over here.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
But I did. I enjoy being outside and I enjoy eating,
and if I walk five miles a day, I can
just about eat what I want.
Speaker 2 (27:14):
That's called balance. Yes, we like it. This is good
and anything else. Is there any other hobbies or things
that you enjoy at this point in your life?
Speaker 1 (27:22):
I like working jukesaw puzzles Okay, yes, puzzles.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
Yes, that's very good for brain health too, I've learned,
and it makes sense why they frustrate me so much,
very much part of that. I always love to end
these episodes with a piece of advice or motivation. So
maybe a piece of life advice. Does that sound like
something you are up for or maybe something that's you're
really passionate about and you just want to share with
(27:47):
the world. That can be an option too.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Let's see, I do have one kind of weird thing
in my life.
Speaker 2 (27:53):
Yeah, please share. I love weird things.
Speaker 1 (27:55):
My mother and daddy were step brother and sister.
Speaker 2 (27:57):
What what Okay? So their parents got together.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
My mother's mother died and my daddy's daddy died. The
surviving parents married when my mother was maybe nine and
my dad twelve, and they grew up together and ended
up getting married.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
Wow. Yeah, was that always a running joke of the family.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
It wasn't a joke, but when they wanted to get
they wanted to get married when my mother was getting
out of high school and they said, no, Eleanor was
my mother's name, you go on to college. If you
still feel the same way, then you'll have our blessings.
Because the parents were worried about if you get a divorce,
if it doesn't work, you're still.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
You're still family.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
You're still family exactly. But they were married like sixty
seven years.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
So okay, So their parents were okay with it as
long as they waited and really thought about us exactly Okay,
but then they ended up being married for sixty some years,
so it worked. That's so crazy. When you learned that story,
were you like, wait what, yeah, it kind I take
you back. You're like, these are your my parents, but
(29:09):
this feels weird.
Speaker 1 (29:10):
I felt like I was special because I only had
one set of grandparents and some of my cousins had
other sets. But so I got doted upon by the
one set of grandparents that I did have.
Speaker 2 (29:22):
Wow, that's so fun. Fun fact?
Speaker 1 (29:24):
Is that?
Speaker 2 (29:25):
The fun fact that you always brought it when you would.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
Go yeah sometimes I almost got on a quiz show.
Speaker 2 (29:32):
What like a game song?
Speaker 1 (29:34):
Yeah? I tried out in Nashville, and I know putting
that on my you would feel out what was interesting
about you? And I put that my parents were brother
and sister.
Speaker 2 (29:44):
How did that not get you on? Automatically?
Speaker 1 (29:46):
I got to where we did a like a play show. Okay,
I didn't win. It was Tic Tac dough or something
like that.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
Is it not a good Tic Tac toe play?
Speaker 1 (29:58):
I didn't win the game, so I didn't get to
be on the a contestant on the show. But it
was still a fun experience.
Speaker 2 (30:05):
Wow, that's a very big fun fact. Did anybody else
in your family go on to marry each other or
was it just them?
Speaker 1 (30:11):
Just them? No blood relation there now, no no, But.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
It's always funny because it's not there's no weirdness to
it because they're not related, but they're half related. Yeah,
and more than anything, it would be weird for their
parents than anybody else. Then everybody else is just kind
of okay, yeah, that's a funny story. But the parents
would be the ones to be like, no, we're married first. Wow. Okay,
(30:36):
that was a good thing to end on. Did you
also want to share life advice too, or you.
Speaker 1 (30:42):
Just when we got the diagnosis, it was hard, but
you just have to roll with the punches and just
make the best of the situation and keep going forward,
just do the best you can.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
That is good, and it also sounds like that's what
you guys have been doing in your marriage, your entire life.
So I'm glad that you're here to share your story
and thank you for sharing and also being vulnerable and
also sharing the funny moments. But also just to say
that hopefully as you guys move forward through all of this,
that you just have the support and love that you
(31:18):
need to continue, because.
Speaker 1 (31:20):
That's important to have. It's all that matters.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
If there's anything I've learned in my thirty two years
of life is those that are in your life, who
you love and care for, are genuinely what propel you forward.
Always thank you very much for being here. Thank you,
Thank you. Apes' Garden community is a local treasure here
in Nashville doing amazing work caring for and engaging people
living with memory loss. They're expanding to help even more families,
(31:45):
and they rely on support from people like us. We
all have aging brains, so supporting Ape's Garden benefits us all.
And if you're interested in learning more on how to help,
you can do so at Apesgarden dot org. VACSI wrapped
up this series on senior living residents. But if you
want to hear more of these stories, you know, because
I'm happy to keep doing them. Also, if there are
any other topics you hope to hear, this podcast is
(32:06):
all for you. It's meant to help you and inspire you.
I'm just kind of the vessel that it's going through.
If you will, be sure to check out all these
videos on YouTube. If you're a more visual person like
myself or follow on Instagram at take this personally. I
hope everyone is getting into the holiday spirit. I know
I am, and have a wonderful week. I'm so happy
that you're here. Talk soon.
Host
Morgan Huelsman
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