November 12, 2024 • 32 mins
Join Jay Leno next Wednesday, November 20th, at 1018 Hermosa Ave, Hermosa Beach, for an event with The Burn Foundation. For just $50, you will have a chance to tour Jay's garage. Doors open at 5 PM for dinner and an auction.
Jay Leno Charity event for Children’s burn center. Jay Leno, range of topics. Jay Leno great stories. Jay Leno – yep the potato joke
Jay Leno Charity event for Children’s burn center. Jay Leno, range of topics. Jay Leno great stories. Jay Leno – yep the potato joke
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
It's KMF.
Speaker 2 (00:00):
I am six forty and you're listening to the Conway
Show on demand on the iHeart Radio app.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
J leto hey radio. How can they look cool? Look
who walked in? No, but we have radio, we don't
have television. Nice to see you, buddy, look great. Thank
you gentlemen, Thanks to well thanks for helping us out.
I saw you on the talk. I was on the talk.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Yeah, it's is it the talk or their talk?
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Now?
Speaker 2 (00:24):
I think it's called the talk? Is it is it
you or their view? I think it's their view.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
No, it's the view. It's not the view.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
It's not the view of most country.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Well yeah, that's that's till. Yeah. But you no, no
matter what you say. You know, I was on the
talk and they said what do you think of election?
And I said, it was a great day for democracy
because for the first time in my memory, the person
with the most votes and the most electoral votes won.
Thank you case close. We did it all on the
first day, within what six hours of the post clothes.
(00:55):
It's perfect. It was perfect. Oh, I see you're big
Trump guy. No, I'm not. I'm not fun anybody. I
just I just I just said it was a great thing,
because no matter what you think of the candidates, they
come and go. You know, if this has been another
one of these things where it was, oh there's thirty
five hundred votes between the winner and the loser, it's
going to be six months of the other and really
the whole system suffers. But I mean we all put
(01:17):
our head notes to the grindstone. It was completely honest.
I mean, in one case of somebody rigging a vote
of voting twice, I mean they checked everything. He won far.
Whether you're a fan or not, that's not the issue.
The person with the most votes won.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
So that was not In California, they're still counting the vote.
Well I don't doubt that. Yeah, we have them in Florida.
They did it in three hours.
Speaker 3 (01:38):
Ye.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Well there you go.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
You're doing a huge charity event for the Children's Burn Center.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Yeah. Yeah, you know something.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
You know when I was in the Burn Center, Well,
tell people what happened, because people't know how you got there.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Oh well some people don't, I do. I was working
on a motus. I was working on a steam car
and I got underneath it and I had a fuel
line and I said to my friend, uh, blow a
little air through the fuel line, hit me with a
face full of gas, and then it'sc ignited and set
my face on fire.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
But wait, you were working on a steam engine? Was
this in nineteen thirty five? No, this was actually just
a little while ago.
Speaker 3 (02:17):
That you were the first person that had been at
the burn center. Who's working on a steam engine? Do
you think?
Speaker 1 (02:21):
I don't know? You know, I didn't really ask hey
before I came in, you have any more? Well, you
know what happened. My face got all burned. So I said, okay,
So I drove myself to the burn center. You know, Wow,
that's that's a stud I got. Like, I goes, you
got to check in right now? Well, I said, well,
I can't check in right now because my wife. My
wife has got some dementia problem. She has no athing
about this. So I said, let me go home and
(02:43):
I'll come back in the morning. Well, you can't go
home because your face is still on fire, And oh
my god, I said, no, it's fine, don't worry about
So I drove home. I go to bed. I sleep
on my pillow and my face was still on fire.
So when I woke up, my pillow had my face
had burned itself into the pillow. So so Harry, I
get up with my pillow. I walk in. I got
(03:04):
a pair of scissors. Oh my god, I'm coming. I'm
laughing hysterically. I'm cutting the pillow off the side of
my face, you know. And I drive back to the
burn center about seven in the morning, and I got
pillow face. Oh my god, that's what's that all that?
I said, Well, the pillow. But that's what we told
you about. That's what happened there. Because your your face
is still burning underneath, you know, is that right? So
(03:24):
but you didn't feel any kind of pain.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Were youre on pain pills or anything.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
No, I'm not. I'm not a pain I'm not gonna
be I'm not a big pain guy.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
I mean, I don't think it'd be a big pain
guy to be.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
Jay, what do you just you just shook off your
face being no. But I mean, but you like a
marine when it happens for a while, you know, if
you crack a rib, that's the worst because you're fine
and then you cough, laugh a laugh or something like that.
You know, with this, it was constant, so you just
kind of go, okay, that's the new normal left. But
that's the normal for right now. It's not gonna get worse,
(03:54):
you know. So it's okay. So it's all right. But
you know, they did the whole thing in eight days
and you looked great. And this is the second face
because after I got that, I went back home and
about a month and a half, I'm riding my motorcycle
him over here and I go to turn around the
guy's parking lot. He's got a wire cross but with
no flag, and the sons of my ass, so it
(04:15):
tore my face from from under, from under the chin,
across my nose. So I had to call my face guy.
I called Peter, Peter, I need another face. Face you
gave me, and he gave me another face. Yeah, the
we're god, I'm a two faced guy now. Yeah yeah,
but that's not a cheap face. I know what faces
look like. No, No, this is a very no. You
(04:36):
know something. I'm so glad in the business I'm in
because I couldn't have afforded.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
But but did you actually guide that didn't have the
flag on the wire?
Speaker 1 (04:43):
No? You know. I went over to see him and
he goes, yeah, I go, look, it's my fault. I
should have seen it. I know you didn't have any
flags up or anything. But I said, don't worry about it,
all right, So I shook his hand and it was okay.
And you know something, can I shake him down? Well? Listen,
I go buy there every day now and it looks like, uh,
cypresscards just whistles, doesn't being here? There's a wire here.
(05:08):
But you know, you know, I'm not a lawsuper. I
don't like I know, I just don't do all this,
you know. I was. I think if you went the
cart and say, well you were partnerly the spot, yes,
I was, Okay, I don't. So it was fine. I mean,
if I couldn't have afforded it, that would have been
one thing. But when I'm in the burn center and
you meet these kids and it's, you know, like a
(05:30):
four year old he reaches out and pulls a hot
pot off and they get scalded in and the parents
don't have the money, and and you know, and Peter,
God bless him, what a great I mean, he does
all this work pro bono it for a long time.
He has, He's always done it, his father did it.
It's it's it's in his blood. It's and I thought, well,
maybe we can help these kids, because you know, I
(05:52):
would bring him toys and the kids like that, but
that's not going to bainbybuild. So I thought, well, let's
do these benefits occasionally, just trying to raise a bunch
of money, and it goes to whatever kid is burned, black, white.
Just no, it doesn't go to only this group or
this group.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
Well I assume, yeah, exciminating. You know how it works.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
Sometimes people have a specific.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
Right, like no Jews, no Catholic exactly exactly when is it?
Speaker 1 (06:16):
It's going to be next Wednesday at the comedy, magic
Club and home most of each No, if you want
to get morning, no, no Wednesday night. How many comedy?
Who goes so eight o'clock comedy? Come on down eight
o'clock in the morning. He bring your eggs. Okay, where
is it at the comedy store? Com No, no, not
the comedy store. You cant have all these burned people
show up at the wrong.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
Place for You're every Sunday every summer. You can buy
the tickets.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Go to the Grossman burn Foundation dot org and you
click on events and they'll tell you how to get
a ticket, and one hundred percent of your ticket is
it's it's tax deductible. I don't get anything. I'm not
charging for gas to get down there, expenses. You've waved
your bloated my bloated fees eliminate Grossman burn Foundation Foundation
(07:03):
dot or got.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Okay and I and people can buy tickets, they can
donate Wednesday night.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
What time Wednesday night? Well, I think they have a
dinner at seven o'clive class if you called, if you
click on and then we're also auctioning off a tour
of my garage. And wow, that.
Speaker 3 (07:17):
Is something I would bid on. I want a tour
of your garage. I'll give you a to I really do.
How long is the tour of your garage longer than mine?
Speaker 1 (07:27):
Yeah? I would hope, so yeah, yeah, because we don't
just have a law and more and a weed whacker
in a fifty seven.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
I should you know what I even I even ever
thought of that, But I should give I should sell
tours of my garage, you know?
Speaker 1 (07:39):
Yeah? Sure?
Speaker 2 (07:40):
Hell, I mean, look, your Jay's doing it. Why can't
I do it?
Speaker 1 (07:42):
That's what I said.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
All right, can you stay? We want to talk with
you from another three hour?
Speaker 1 (07:46):
Yeh, let's talk.
Speaker 4 (07:46):
So yeah, here you're listening to Tim Conway Junior on
demand from kf I am six forty.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
Jay Leno's with us, Jay, what would you do with
a thousand dollars?
Speaker 1 (07:58):
If, first of all I would get it, I would
get ten dollars a year for take this, yeah years
pay out. Yeah, I do the payoff because you get
it all one, so you're gonna go crazy. So yeah,
that's what I do. You buy lottery tickets. No, that's
the stupidest things. Idiots buy lottery.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
I remember, Jay, it was Adam Carolla was talking about
a woman who went into a seven to eleven in
a wheelchair oxygen tanks and she's rolling in. She was
give me a super Lotto ticket, and he's like, what,
how could that possibly improve your life? It's almost over,
you know, and she's rooting for four hundred million dollars.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
She's hoping for a late ending rally on our life.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
You know when you were here when the John and
Ken Show was still the John and Ken Show. I
remember you came on. You're on for about a half hour,
very funny, and I think it was still during the
Tonight Show days, and then you left in a steam
car and they were complaining.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Yeah, yeah, my First of all, a steam car runs
on water, water vapor. Okay, so because it's a cold day,
so plumes of steam. He goes loos lot those cars polluting.
It's just polluting everywhere, just putting knoxious gases, and you know,
we gotta do a way that shouldn't be allowed. I'm
not going, Hey, I was just on your show. It's
(09:12):
a steam car. It's a steam car. Corolla.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
You know you're good friends with Yes, he has another
funny line. He said that in two hundred years from now, somebody,
some kid in eighth grade will do a paper on
Jay Leno, and jay Leno died in you know, in
twenty seventy two in a steam car accident, and you'll
get a fail on it, you know, because steam cars
went out two hundred years before that.
Speaker 3 (09:36):
That's right, that's correct. Is Corola's got a garage kind
of like yours, does he hear?
Speaker 1 (09:41):
Yeah, he likes cars. He cocts mostly race cars.
Speaker 3 (09:44):
So so in the in terms of your garage and
h your garage, it seems like and this I get
from your shows and watching YouTube, like you like these
very stories that go with the car, you know, you
you sort of like cars that have a history.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Sir, Yeah, cars that have a funny story. Yeah, he
likes race cars or I like cars. What's the most
valuable one you have?
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Well it's probably.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
McLaren F one because that's a very valuable car. But
what's the most sentimental one?
Speaker 1 (10:10):
Well, my fifty five buw Wick. That was the first
guy I bought. When it came to the car. You know,
I flew out here to California. You know, I was
sitting at my apartment in Boston, and I was like,
and my friends. I had friends that were wanted to
be comedians, just singers, but they're working as weight as
the waitresses, and then they couldn't go to auditions because
they had to work. And I didn't want to be
(10:31):
in that position. I wanted to make my living as
a comedian if I could. I said, you know something,
I'm just kind of got a plane to go to California.
So I call the airline flight at whatever it is. Okay,
I got it, Okay, I landed lax I only yet
I need a car. Was so I see the Penny Savers.
I go to the Penny Savery. Then oh, it's a
fifty five berk, I say to go, where's Winchester. It's
(10:52):
about three well three months, okay. I call the guy
that car difficility, Yeah it is cab, take me this
addressing Winchester. I get there, it looked a okay, and
I thought, well, if I don't buy it, I got
to take a cab back to the airport and then
take a cab to it. I don't know what. I
don't know anybody here, so I don't buy it. So,
you know, I was like, how might say three fifty
(11:12):
I'll give you a three forty five? Okay, you know,
not really, I was not really a good jet. Okay.
I got the car and it was a big car
so I could live in the car. So I did
that's live? Is that right? For? How long? For? Why not?
Speaker 3 (11:25):
Still?
Speaker 1 (11:26):
Well, you know what I would do and people find this,
it doesn't seem unusual to me. I would search the
paper for open houses. So I'd go to open house
and be like Sunday noon to four. So I get
there at three thirty and I look around. This is
very nice and then I'd say, okay, thank you, thank
you very much.
Speaker 3 (11:44):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (11:44):
I'd shut the door and then I'd I'd go in
like the hall closet, and I'd just stand there and
I'd wait maybe forty five minutes an hour, and the
real two would leave and I'd live in the house
for two three days. Oh that's cool. Have you ever
talked about that. I've never heard of it. I've never
story I have once in a while. And it was
because in those days, houses didn't this is the seventies.
(12:05):
Houses didn't have alarms, and I didn't. I didn't steal
anything or I didn't you know, you're just looking for
a warm Yeah. One day, one day I was there's
a house on cold Water Canyon. Oh that's a nice house.
You know. It does not belong to one of the
beach boys. We didn't know which one, but he was
selling it. So I got something in the house, same thing.
And I'm sleeping and I hear the next room, here's
(12:25):
the master bedroom, and the wife walks in there goes,
there's someone in the bed. There's no one living there.
There's someone in that bed. The real joy. I get out,
Let me get can I get dressed, get out of
the house. I'm calling the police. That scared me, my guy,
Then that's not got Yeah, but that was really the
only time I got. Then I lived a beautiful house
on U Up in Beechwood. You know a lot of
(12:46):
great houses in LA. It was fabulous. I'm surprised people
don't don't do that. Still, that's a great Maybe they do.
They're called squatters now, I guess, but I was, But
you know I didn't. I wasn't. I didn't put on
the walls right now they do that. I would even
make the bed, you know, so it doesn't look like
anybody was there. And you still have that car? I
(13:07):
still have. Yeah, only two payments left. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:09):
Yeah, you know Danica Patrick, you knew that is yes,
the race car driver. She was asked recently on a podcast,
what type of engine do you have? And she said
she has no idea and they said, well is it
and she said engine? And what in her in a
race car? And she said she was unaware of whether
it was an eight or twelve cylinder. She knows that little.
(13:30):
She knows as much as I do about cars. D
you mean as little as you do, as little.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
As I do.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
And she drives him in the Indy five hundred.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
Well, you know, athletes are always athletes. I remember Walter Peyton.
You remember him, sure, Okay. Walter Payton was not a
car guy at all. Knew nothing about but he was
a gregarious fellow and a nice guy, but a good athlete,
and we became friends with him. He said, Hey, you
should do the Toyota Grand Prix with us. Oh, that'd
be fun. Yeah, okay. So he comes in and within
(14:00):
one day of with the professional driver, he's matching the
track record.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Because he's he's an athlete. His hand eye coordination is unbelievable.
I mean that could break break breaks like break turnament
ye shifting. I mean he picked it up because he's
an athlete, you know.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
But you know I also in the same podcast I
was listening to, I didn't know this. Maybe you know
this because you're a big car guy. They only use
in NASCAR, when when you know they do the whatever
the you know, the Coconot five hundred of Pocono five.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
I don't know, Flora, that's with common, Miranda, the Cocono
that the Cocono they.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
Use the engine for one race, then they take it
out and send it back to you know, Toyota.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
And they tear it down one race. Well, but well
they're that hard on the engines. I mean that's wild.
That's what it is. Again, everything is wild, but it's
actually the opposite. It's no, it is. That's wild. J
that's good. Similar thing that's not wild, but that so
he put mustard on a hamburger. That's wild.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
But it's not expensive to tear down.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
And I mean, though yes, it's a very it's a
hugely expensive one. And drag racing they blow up everything,
They completely tear the engine out. It's it's ten twenty
thousand dollars a race.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
But but but to have you know, once you're done
with the rays, you know, you get if you win,
you get the milk and the flag and the check
and everything. That's just the start for your pit crew.
They got to now tear that car apart and have
it ready in four days.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
Yeah, yeah, we'll take them the show business.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
Yeah, that's unbelievable, Not wild, but unbelievable.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
Yeah. Can you say with us all right here? Okay,
god anywhere?
Speaker 2 (15:36):
All right, and then we're going to promote your charity event,
okay for these kids that got burned.
Speaker 4 (15:41):
You're listening to Tim Conway Junior on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
How many motorcycles do you own? Oh, sixty eight, one
hundred and sixty eight.
Speaker 1 (15:50):
Well, in case your crash on you need something to
ride while the other one's being fixed.
Speaker 2 (15:53):
Did you ever get pulled over for going too fast
exceeding the speed limit? No, no, I never keep I
imagine you don't have a lot of problem with the cops.
The cops pull you over. Oh it's Jay Lenn. Hey Jay,
how you doing nice?
Speaker 3 (16:04):
Well?
Speaker 1 (16:04):
Yeah, but I don't give cops a reason to give
me all the problem. I'm always polite. Permission to speak, officer, Yeah,
what do you want? I mean that works all the time.
Permission to speak officer, And they go, oh, because it's
really just a matter of respect on you. Yeah, you
know my favorite thing I love watching YouTube sovereign citizens.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
I'm traveling, I'm not oh I know a life time
showing your license or registered. I don't need to show
you because you know this is the stupidest before cameras,
those guys would have been taken out of the car.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
Yeah. And there was a guy who was traveling down
in Deep Arkansas. He's from New York, and he did
one of those California stops where he blew right through
his stop. I slowed down, but he went through it
and he gets pulled over by the cop and the
cops says, you know you didn't stop at the stop sign.
He says, yeah, but I slowed down, and the cop
(16:52):
pulls him out, hits him with the night stick. He goes,
you want me to stop? You want me to slow down?
Speaker 1 (16:57):
Right right there? You go?
Speaker 2 (16:59):
Old time, old school, old school Arkansas.
Speaker 3 (17:02):
You know.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
Oh I'm Boston. I remember my friend Boston cops were
was unbelievable. We're walking down the street and Abby Hoffman
was going to speak in the Boston common Oh wow.
And that was back in the days when if you
said an obscenity over a microphone you got arrested. It
was illegal. Yeah. So Amos Tucker was his name, and
a big tall kid and we're walking along. Cop but hey, way,
(17:23):
your kid's going going down the comedy. No you're not.
You're going back to your doing. Goes, No, you can't
make some back. Now, he's got a nice stick. He goes,
First of all, you can put that nice stick away
because you're not allowed to hit me with it. I
beat the crap out of.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
The Oh wow.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
He goes, where are you going. I'm going back to
my dorm man, thank you, I appreciated.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
There was a There was a bar in Burbank called
the Snug. I don't know if it's still there or not.
And I used to go there and meet friends, but
i'd leave my car there.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
A lot of guys in that, a lot of guys, guys,
mostly dudes.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
But I'd leave my car there and walk home because
I didn't want to get a duy and Burbank they're
pretty strict with that, so i'd walk home. So I
pull up to the bar and this motorcycle cop gets
out and he goes, where are you going. I said,
I'm going into the bar to have a couple of drinks.
He goes, well, I'm gonna be sitting right here when
you come out, I'm gonna arrest you for a DUI.
And I said, but I'm going to walk home, because
then you'll be drunk in public.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
I'll still throw you in jail. And I said, ah.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
He said, why don't you go home and watch the
Tonight Show with Jay Lenno. Yeah, you know, he said,
that was the best advice you could have give guys.
Promoting the hell out of your show back.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
I appreciate that.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
Who are some of your comedian friends that you hang
out with.
Speaker 1 (18:31):
Oh, who's the.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
Guy who opens for you all the time?
Speaker 1 (18:34):
The guy Jimmy's great He worked with me on the
Tonight Show for years. A very funny guy, very funny guy.
Did you when you did.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
The Tonight Show? I heard you did the show? Then
everyone went back to your house and you wrote the
monologue for the next night?
Speaker 1 (18:47):
Wait, write the monologue from ten to two? Well, you'd
write half the monologue. So when I went in the
next morning at seven or eight, I was prepared. I
had at least enough of it in the can that
I could go on with the other parts of the show.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
We went at seven in the morning. The Lenos start tonight. Yeah,
starts pretty early.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
Wow, Because people think I always remember Chevy Chase. I
saw him once. I said, why are you doing the
talk show? He goes, well, you know, my kids are
getting a little older, and I can go boating with
them in the morning and afternoon and then come in
to the show. When do you take four o'clock? I
come in three o'clock. And what I meant, I mean
(19:24):
I was there from seven until six, and then the
ridings for the show up at nine thirty or ten,
and we'd sit till maybe two in the morning and
then go back into seven. And that was That was
the general routine when there was nothing pressing. But the
monologue was always the best part of the show. I
didn't care what the actors were promoting and all that stuff,
(19:44):
but the monologue was always the best one. The next night. Well,
we all, you know, we tried to do it for
as long as we could, because you tried to make
as long as we could because people, really there weren't enough.
There were eighteen celebrities in the whole world that meant
rating well. One of them was Barack Obama. Barack Obama
like he used to he used to land a Burbank airport.
And I used to live a block off of Hollywood Way,
(20:06):
and they would shut down Hollywood Way, and these CHP
officers would come down and block these streets and as they,
you know, leapfrog each other to block these streets. They
were doing one hundred and thirty one hundred and forty
miles an hour on Hollywood Way to get to the
next I'm trying to remember the guy's name Anyway, when
Barack Obama, Hillary had the nomination lockedown, and then this
(20:27):
guy named back Obama announced he's running for president. And
I said, hey, this guy just announced he's running the
president community organizer. Let's let's go. Let's get him. So
I call up Brock. Oh, thanks advicing me on the show,
flies out here, gets a rent a car, drives to
the Tonight show. His got his jacket over shoulder. He
comes in and but I say, my name is Barack
Withsan Obama. I'm running for president of state. I said, well,
(20:50):
let's see black guy from Chicago, the middle name was Hussein.
I said, you shouldn't even have the campaign. I think
you're a sure. Yeah, And he thought that was funny,
and we got to be friends. So he gave me
his phone number so that he becomes president of United States.
So the next time he comes, the whole parking lot
is tanted, so a satellite cannot see where the presidential
(21:12):
limousine goes once it comes in the parking lot, so
it's all tanted. Okay, that's kind of cool. Oh yeah,
that's that's the same thing. And when we have the
first time a president was ever on the show, blah,
blah blah, you know, on a late night show. So
this is the trouble coming from a small town having
the same idiot friends you have when you're in eighth grade.
I'm with my buddies and I'm going, yeah, Barack Obama,
you gave me his phone? Dumb n uh uh, I'm
(21:33):
going he gave me his number. I don't believe it.
All right, So I'm going out my phone. But I
got my finger over the number. See what does it
say that says Presidentied States Barack Obama? Is he the
first CE? The area code that's that's Washington. You go, yeah,
but that's nothing. I go, well, you got the number,
let's call him. I go, no, he's President United States,
so he's not gonna take a call. You don't have
the number. I said, all right, And it's like three
(21:55):
o'clock in the afternoon. All right, I died. Hear rock
here this president? Yeah? Jay, lenhom what can I do
for you? Jay? Just here? Some of my buddies lose
this number. J Oh, it was great, It was great. Okay, yeah,
you didn't need anymore. But you don't remember. There was
(22:18):
a senator I'm trying to remember his name who got
arrested for having sex with his babysitter in Illinois. Oh yeah,
what was his name? Okay, so he drops out of
the race. So Alan keyes the African American Republican he
takes his place running. So the Democrats panic and they
go an African American he could win. We we got
(22:40):
to find our own African Americans. So they got the
community argist, I have Barack Obama. So the Barack Obama
against Alan Keys.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
That's how that started.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
Yeah, not even a contest. So yeah, but if but
if if that guy hadn't slept with the babysitter, he
wouldn't have been president United States. So it was.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
That's wild. I can say that. That's wild, all right?
Foundation dot org Grossmanburn Foundation dot org. Wednesday is it this?
Speaker 1 (23:05):
What? Well, go to the websday? You know it's not tomorrow,
it's next to It's a week for Wednesday, and one
hundred percent of the money goes to help you know,
there are so many poor kids, and you know, just
single mom that have kids and the kids get these
serious burns. And doctor Grossman will I mean he can't
cover all the expents himself. All he does an awful
lot and just my and your donation will go to
(23:26):
help these children. Will there be other celebrities other than you? There? No,
it's just me. It's just me. I wanted to do
it because you know, when I was in the burn center,
the nurses there were so nice to me. We sent
them all to the Bahamas and they went on a vacation.
They had a great time, and it's just nice. You know.
We just don't thank these people enough. And it's no
skin off my nose. I like to tell jokes anyway,
and if it raises money for a good cause, that's
(23:49):
what it is. So it's fun to do.
Speaker 2 (23:51):
Can you stay with us because I want you to. Uh,
there's a joke, my favorite joke that you tell that
I'd love for you to tell it. What joke is
that the guy at the beat with the potato?
Speaker 3 (24:01):
Oh no, no, But I I like your favorite story
that I have from you, which involves but I don't
want to tip the story, but in people that you
bumped into outside of your house.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Do you know what I'm talking about? Oh? Yeah, well
that's it.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
Yeah, that's a long that's that's Another one is when
you thought you were selling your house to this single
woman with a baby.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
You know that is a great story. That is so la.
You always tell that. Now, Yeah, you get here with us.
It's a beth On Orthodox, but I guess it'll be okay.
Speaker 4 (24:33):
You're listening to Tim Conway Junior on Demyan from KF
I am six forty.
Speaker 2 (24:38):
J is with us, all right, he's doing this a
huge benefit for the Grossman Burn Foundation. Go to the
website Grossman Burnfoundation dot org. It's down in Hermosa Beach,
the Comedy Magic club down there is Hermosa Beach a
week from tomorrow and the money goes to help kids
who've been burned. That has to be the most painful
(24:59):
thing because the pain continues. You break an arm, you
can set it. The pain goes away after a while.
The pain doesn't go away with the with the burns
for weeks months.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
Right, Yeah, and you know it. You've been there. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
Can you tell the first of all the story the
two things the joke about the guy the speedo, because
I always screw that joke, always screw the joke, right,
But I didn't create the joke.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
You did. Here's a joke. The joke is the guys
are walking on the guys trying to meet girls. How
you being not? Nothing? Is I can't have any success?
I talked to him. He goes like, here's what you do.
Go to the supermarket, get a potato, put it in
the front of your bathings. You walk around. The girls
are going, okay, I get there, come back. How do
(25:42):
you make out terrible? The girls run away? Why spots
to put the potato in the front. That's a stupid joke.
I heard that joke so many times, but it's so great.
So stupid.
Speaker 2 (25:55):
It's such a great visual, the guy walking around with
the potato in the back of his.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
Oh, that's actually not a great it's a disgusting visual. Actually,
it's not a great You always liked the like the
the Alaska one. Depends on if it's one of the
fingerlings or the you know, the the heavy duty potatoes,
your fringlings. Yeah, one of those Monty potatoes. What was
the Alaska one? Oh about it? I said, I'm doing
(26:20):
a giggle doing a gig in Alaska. It was February.
I remember that the sun came up at eleven thirty
in the morning and went down one third in the
after we had two hours of sunlight. It's forty degrees below.
It's freezing. You can't even stand out the window, there's
so much frost in the window. Yet, when I went
into the thrifty drug store, the ice cream is still soft.
(26:42):
I don't understand how the ice cream can still be soft.
Speaker 2 (26:46):
Such a great it was such a classic great. I
remember that joke the first time you told it, you know,
and it was always stuck with me because everybody has
had that, you know. I've gone to thrifty with the
cylinder ice cream, you know, and it's always soft as hell.
Speaker 1 (27:06):
You know what happened the other night, I'm on stage.
I'm talking about when you get to be older, you
lose strength. He was like two percent a year from
age sixty five on. And I said, I'm at the
point now we're opening a bag of pretzels is like
tearing a phone book. And said. This guy looks at me, goes,
he's about twenty five, goes, what's a phone book? I said,
(27:28):
you know, a phone book? He goes, No, what do
you mean? A phone book's got everybody's number. He goes,
how do they get everybody's number? Because they have your number? Well,
how would they get my number? He said? What if
I don't want to be in the phone book. He said, well,
then you pay money, you get an unlisted them, you
pay not to be a that's illegal, I got. You know,
this conversation is ridiculous. We just end this right now. Hilarious.
Speaker 2 (27:53):
Also, one of my favorite stories is when you went
to sell your house and you thought you were selling
it a single one.
Speaker 1 (28:01):
You know, this is so lak. We had a house
in Nichols Canyon. Okay, nice house, and so we're gonna move,
you know, got to tight shog. I've got to buy
a house in Beverly Hills, you know. Okay, So we
put the house for sale and this people come around.
You know, this woman comes around. She's got a child,
a little boy maybe six. Oh mommy, I like to say, okay, okay,
(28:22):
and she kind of low bosses, low balls us a
little bit, you know, and I said, well, seemed like
she seems really nice. And your husband, Oh no, I'm
a single mom. I mean, can you afford payment? All right? Okay,
So we make a deal for a little bit late,
you know, like twenty grand lesson. We know, Oh okay, fine,
(28:43):
So I make the deal and then my wife says,
you know, they got the kid and we when we
bought the house, we had new drapes put in, but
I never had him clean. I said, let's get to drapes, Drake.
I go, really yeah, because look Dusty and the kid
and you know dustin all right. So I pull all
the drapes down, they get them cleaned, hang them back
up to look unbelievable. I said, I should have done
(29:04):
this when I lived here, you know. So we sell
the house here you go, thank you very much. So
I said, let's go by and see how they're doing.
I come around the corner just as the bulders. They's
knocking my house down, and I go, well, what's what?
What's I said, who lives there? This is owned by
the something of the company. What do me something of
the company? And I investigate, Oh this she was just
a shill. She's buying houses for this for this company.
(29:29):
I was like furious.
Speaker 2 (29:32):
Also, another great story is I used to live I
don't know if you still do near. I think it's
sunset or where's the gay Pride parade? Mark? I know
that was.
Speaker 1 (29:46):
I've got my fifty five. I got a fifty seven
Buick Roadmaster convertible black red leather. They're kind of a
flashy car for the fifties. So mari If and I
are driving through and we're gonna gown too a pizza
place on and Michael Bullowart. So we got down and
center Michael bullerv on the cops here, hold it, hold it,
and he recognized me, and he goes, oh, oh, come on,
(30:07):
come on, come on, come on, I go, I go
see that honey recognizes me. Well, he doesn't recognize me.
He saw the car and figured I was in the
gay riper. So now the guy turns me and now
he guides my car, come on, come this way, come on.
From now I'm in the prey down and people going
to shaykay, thanks for coming out. I said, yeah, no problem.
(30:27):
My wife's laugh and they think you're gay, and they go, well, yeah,
they think you're lesbian.
Speaker 3 (30:30):
Okay, thank you very much.
Speaker 1 (30:32):
People going, Jay, thanks for coming no problem.
Speaker 3 (30:34):
Then, yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1 (30:37):
It's going to get a pizza and no three hours
in the paray. Yeah yeah, really, I was there for
about an hour and could Once you're in the break,
you can't get out because people lying on both sides,
so you just have to run the whole route.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
That is fantastic, all right. I I know you want
to get out of here. Grossmanburn Foundation dot org right
a week from tomorrow, week from tomorrow, and I you know,
whatever you donate go is right to helping kids.
Speaker 1 (31:01):
Yeah, one hundred percent of really. I mean you meet
these kids, they have these horrible burns, and it really
it really, you know, it's life changing. It really is,
because she especially when you're a young person, you're just
I mean just you see what acne does the kids,
So imagine having you and he doesn't. I mean, my
face was was gone.
Speaker 2 (31:19):
Oh yeah, I've seen pictures of it. It's horrible. TMZ had
it on like eight seconds after you got burned.
Speaker 1 (31:24):
Oh yeah yeah, TMZ was throwing gas on me. Yes, yeah, yeah,
please please. I got to get a text here from
a friend of mine. He asks, is jaylen or Italian?
I think you are? Yes, of course, the best Italian
restaurant in l A. I'll tell you an Italian story
if you got a second, Well, can you say? Yeah?
(31:45):
All right?
Speaker 2 (31:45):
Yeah, that's a great way to get here. We'd love
to have you stay. We're off at seven, so I
have you know, seven okay, all right, so.
Speaker 1 (31:55):
When we come back.
Speaker 2 (31:55):
Best Italian restaurant. You've got a great Italian yeah, okay,
all right. And also there's another story you gotta I
gotta ask you to tell, if you don't mind, When
your dad went to buy his his car and you
added all the US A million times Conway show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app. Now you can always hear
(32:16):
us live on kf I Am six forty four to
seven pm Monday through Friday, and anytime on demand on
the iHeart Radio app
It's KMF.
Speaker 2 (00:00):
I am six forty and you're listening to the Conway
Show on demand on the iHeart Radio app.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
J leto hey radio. How can they look cool? Look
who walked in? No, but we have radio, we don't
have television. Nice to see you, buddy, look great. Thank
you gentlemen, Thanks to well thanks for helping us out.
I saw you on the talk. I was on the talk.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Yeah, it's is it the talk or their talk?
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Now?
Speaker 2 (00:24):
I think it's called the talk? Is it is it
you or their view? I think it's their view.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
No, it's the view. It's not the view.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
It's not the view of most country.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Well yeah, that's that's till. Yeah. But you no, no
matter what you say. You know, I was on the
talk and they said what do you think of election?
And I said, it was a great day for democracy
because for the first time in my memory, the person
with the most votes and the most electoral votes won.
Thank you case close. We did it all on the
first day, within what six hours of the post clothes.
(00:55):
It's perfect. It was perfect. Oh, I see you're big
Trump guy. No, I'm not. I'm not fun anybody. I
just I just I just said it was a great thing,
because no matter what you think of the candidates, they
come and go. You know, if this has been another
one of these things where it was, oh there's thirty
five hundred votes between the winner and the loser, it's
going to be six months of the other and really
the whole system suffers. But I mean we all put
(01:17):
our head notes to the grindstone. It was completely honest.
I mean, in one case of somebody rigging a vote
of voting twice, I mean they checked everything. He won far.
Whether you're a fan or not, that's not the issue.
The person with the most votes won.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
So that was not In California, they're still counting the vote.
Well I don't doubt that. Yeah, we have them in Florida.
They did it in three hours.
Speaker 3 (01:38):
Ye.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Well there you go.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
You're doing a huge charity event for the Children's Burn Center.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Yeah. Yeah, you know something.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
You know when I was in the Burn Center, Well,
tell people what happened, because people't know how you got there.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Oh well some people don't, I do. I was working
on a motus. I was working on a steam car
and I got underneath it and I had a fuel
line and I said to my friend, uh, blow a
little air through the fuel line, hit me with a
face full of gas, and then it'sc ignited and set
my face on fire.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
But wait, you were working on a steam engine? Was
this in nineteen thirty five? No, this was actually just
a little while ago.
Speaker 3 (02:17):
That you were the first person that had been at
the burn center. Who's working on a steam engine? Do
you think?
Speaker 1 (02:21):
I don't know? You know, I didn't really ask hey
before I came in, you have any more? Well, you
know what happened. My face got all burned. So I said, okay,
So I drove myself to the burn center. You know, Wow,
that's that's a stud I got. Like, I goes, you
got to check in right now? Well, I said, well,
I can't check in right now because my wife. My
wife has got some dementia problem. She has no athing
about this. So I said, let me go home and
(02:43):
I'll come back in the morning. Well, you can't go
home because your face is still on fire, And oh
my god, I said, no, it's fine, don't worry about
So I drove home. I go to bed. I sleep
on my pillow and my face was still on fire.
So when I woke up, my pillow had my face
had burned itself into the pillow. So so Harry, I
get up with my pillow. I walk in. I got
(03:04):
a pair of scissors. Oh my god, I'm coming. I'm
laughing hysterically. I'm cutting the pillow off the side of
my face, you know. And I drive back to the
burn center about seven in the morning, and I got
pillow face. Oh my god, that's what's that all that?
I said, Well, the pillow. But that's what we told
you about. That's what happened there. Because your your face
is still burning underneath, you know, is that right? So
(03:24):
but you didn't feel any kind of pain.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Were youre on pain pills or anything.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
No, I'm not. I'm not a pain I'm not gonna
be I'm not a big pain guy.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
I mean, I don't think it'd be a big pain
guy to be.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
Jay, what do you just you just shook off your
face being no. But I mean, but you like a
marine when it happens for a while, you know, if
you crack a rib, that's the worst because you're fine
and then you cough, laugh a laugh or something like that.
You know, with this, it was constant, so you just
kind of go, okay, that's the new normal left. But
that's the normal for right now. It's not gonna get worse,
(03:54):
you know. So it's okay. So it's all right. But
you know, they did the whole thing in eight days
and you looked great. And this is the second face
because after I got that, I went back home and
about a month and a half, I'm riding my motorcycle
him over here and I go to turn around the
guy's parking lot. He's got a wire cross but with
no flag, and the sons of my ass, so it
(04:15):
tore my face from from under, from under the chin,
across my nose. So I had to call my face guy.
I called Peter, Peter, I need another face. Face you
gave me, and he gave me another face. Yeah, the
we're god, I'm a two faced guy now. Yeah yeah,
but that's not a cheap face. I know what faces
look like. No, No, this is a very no. You
(04:36):
know something. I'm so glad in the business I'm in
because I couldn't have afforded.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
But but did you actually guide that didn't have the
flag on the wire?
Speaker 1 (04:43):
No? You know. I went over to see him and
he goes, yeah, I go, look, it's my fault. I
should have seen it. I know you didn't have any
flags up or anything. But I said, don't worry about it,
all right, So I shook his hand and it was okay.
And you know something, can I shake him down? Well? Listen,
I go buy there every day now and it looks like, uh,
cypresscards just whistles, doesn't being here? There's a wire here.
(05:08):
But you know, you know, I'm not a lawsuper. I
don't like I know, I just don't do all this,
you know. I was. I think if you went the
cart and say, well you were partnerly the spot, yes,
I was, Okay, I don't. So it was fine. I mean,
if I couldn't have afforded it, that would have been
one thing. But when I'm in the burn center and
you meet these kids and it's, you know, like a
(05:30):
four year old he reaches out and pulls a hot
pot off and they get scalded in and the parents
don't have the money, and and you know, and Peter,
God bless him, what a great I mean, he does
all this work pro bono it for a long time.
He has, He's always done it, his father did it.
It's it's it's in his blood. It's and I thought, well,
maybe we can help these kids, because you know, I
(05:52):
would bring him toys and the kids like that, but
that's not going to bainbybuild. So I thought, well, let's
do these benefits occasionally, just trying to raise a bunch
of money, and it goes to whatever kid is burned, black, white.
Just no, it doesn't go to only this group or
this group.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
Well I assume, yeah, exciminating. You know how it works.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
Sometimes people have a specific.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
Right, like no Jews, no Catholic exactly exactly when is it?
Speaker 1 (06:16):
It's going to be next Wednesday at the comedy, magic
Club and home most of each No, if you want
to get morning, no, no Wednesday night. How many comedy?
Who goes so eight o'clock comedy? Come on down eight
o'clock in the morning. He bring your eggs. Okay, where
is it at the comedy store? Com No, no, not
the comedy store. You cant have all these burned people
show up at the wrong.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
Place for You're every Sunday every summer. You can buy
the tickets.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Go to the Grossman burn Foundation dot org and you
click on events and they'll tell you how to get
a ticket, and one hundred percent of your ticket is
it's it's tax deductible. I don't get anything. I'm not
charging for gas to get down there, expenses. You've waved
your bloated my bloated fees eliminate Grossman burn Foundation Foundation
(07:03):
dot or got.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Okay and I and people can buy tickets, they can
donate Wednesday night.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
What time Wednesday night? Well, I think they have a
dinner at seven o'clive class if you called, if you
click on and then we're also auctioning off a tour
of my garage. And wow, that.
Speaker 3 (07:17):
Is something I would bid on. I want a tour
of your garage. I'll give you a to I really do.
How long is the tour of your garage longer than mine?
Speaker 1 (07:27):
Yeah? I would hope, so yeah, yeah, because we don't
just have a law and more and a weed whacker
in a fifty seven.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
I should you know what I even I even ever
thought of that, But I should give I should sell
tours of my garage, you know?
Speaker 1 (07:39):
Yeah? Sure?
Speaker 2 (07:40):
Hell, I mean, look, your Jay's doing it. Why can't
I do it?
Speaker 1 (07:42):
That's what I said.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
All right, can you stay? We want to talk with
you from another three hour?
Speaker 1 (07:46):
Yeh, let's talk.
Speaker 4 (07:46):
So yeah, here you're listening to Tim Conway Junior on
demand from kf I am six forty.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
Jay Leno's with us, Jay, what would you do with
a thousand dollars?
Speaker 1 (07:58):
If, first of all I would get it, I would
get ten dollars a year for take this, yeah years
pay out. Yeah, I do the payoff because you get
it all one, so you're gonna go crazy. So yeah,
that's what I do. You buy lottery tickets. No, that's
the stupidest things. Idiots buy lottery.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
I remember, Jay, it was Adam Carolla was talking about
a woman who went into a seven to eleven in
a wheelchair oxygen tanks and she's rolling in. She was
give me a super Lotto ticket, and he's like, what,
how could that possibly improve your life? It's almost over,
you know, and she's rooting for four hundred million dollars.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
She's hoping for a late ending rally on our life.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
You know when you were here when the John and
Ken Show was still the John and Ken Show. I
remember you came on. You're on for about a half hour,
very funny, and I think it was still during the
Tonight Show days, and then you left in a steam
car and they were complaining.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Yeah, yeah, my First of all, a steam car runs
on water, water vapor. Okay, so because it's a cold day,
so plumes of steam. He goes loos lot those cars polluting.
It's just polluting everywhere, just putting knoxious gases, and you know,
we gotta do a way that shouldn't be allowed. I'm
not going, Hey, I was just on your show. It's
(09:12):
a steam car. It's a steam car. Corolla.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
You know you're good friends with Yes, he has another
funny line. He said that in two hundred years from now, somebody,
some kid in eighth grade will do a paper on
Jay Leno, and jay Leno died in you know, in
twenty seventy two in a steam car accident, and you'll
get a fail on it, you know, because steam cars
went out two hundred years before that.
Speaker 3 (09:36):
That's right, that's correct. Is Corola's got a garage kind
of like yours, does he hear?
Speaker 1 (09:41):
Yeah, he likes cars. He cocts mostly race cars.
Speaker 3 (09:44):
So so in the in terms of your garage and
h your garage, it seems like and this I get
from your shows and watching YouTube, like you like these
very stories that go with the car, you know, you
you sort of like cars that have a history.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Sir, Yeah, cars that have a funny story. Yeah, he
likes race cars or I like cars. What's the most
valuable one you have?
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Well it's probably.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
McLaren F one because that's a very valuable car. But
what's the most sentimental one?
Speaker 1 (10:10):
Well, my fifty five buw Wick. That was the first
guy I bought. When it came to the car. You know,
I flew out here to California. You know, I was
sitting at my apartment in Boston, and I was like,
and my friends. I had friends that were wanted to
be comedians, just singers, but they're working as weight as
the waitresses, and then they couldn't go to auditions because
they had to work. And I didn't want to be
(10:31):
in that position. I wanted to make my living as
a comedian if I could. I said, you know something,
I'm just kind of got a plane to go to California.
So I call the airline flight at whatever it is. Okay,
I got it, Okay, I landed lax I only yet
I need a car. Was so I see the Penny Savers.
I go to the Penny Savery. Then oh, it's a
fifty five berk, I say to go, where's Winchester. It's
(10:52):
about three well three months, okay. I call the guy
that car difficility, Yeah it is cab, take me this
addressing Winchester. I get there, it looked a okay, and
I thought, well, if I don't buy it, I got
to take a cab back to the airport and then
take a cab to it. I don't know what. I
don't know anybody here, so I don't buy it. So,
you know, I was like, how might say three fifty
(11:12):
I'll give you a three forty five? Okay, you know,
not really, I was not really a good jet. Okay.
I got the car and it was a big car
so I could live in the car. So I did
that's live? Is that right? For? How long? For? Why not?
Speaker 3 (11:25):
Still?
Speaker 1 (11:26):
Well, you know what I would do and people find this,
it doesn't seem unusual to me. I would search the
paper for open houses. So I'd go to open house
and be like Sunday noon to four. So I get
there at three thirty and I look around. This is
very nice and then I'd say, okay, thank you, thank
you very much.
Speaker 3 (11:44):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (11:44):
I'd shut the door and then I'd I'd go in
like the hall closet, and I'd just stand there and
I'd wait maybe forty five minutes an hour, and the
real two would leave and I'd live in the house
for two three days. Oh that's cool. Have you ever
talked about that. I've never heard of it. I've never
story I have once in a while. And it was
because in those days, houses didn't this is the seventies.
(12:05):
Houses didn't have alarms, and I didn't. I didn't steal
anything or I didn't you know, you're just looking for
a warm Yeah. One day, one day I was there's
a house on cold Water Canyon. Oh that's a nice house.
You know. It does not belong to one of the
beach boys. We didn't know which one, but he was
selling it. So I got something in the house, same thing.
And I'm sleeping and I hear the next room, here's
(12:25):
the master bedroom, and the wife walks in there goes,
there's someone in the bed. There's no one living there.
There's someone in that bed. The real joy. I get out,
Let me get can I get dressed, get out of
the house. I'm calling the police. That scared me, my guy,
Then that's not got Yeah, but that was really the
only time I got. Then I lived a beautiful house
on U Up in Beechwood. You know a lot of
(12:46):
great houses in LA. It was fabulous. I'm surprised people
don't don't do that. Still, that's a great Maybe they do.
They're called squatters now, I guess, but I was, But
you know I didn't. I wasn't. I didn't put on
the walls right now they do that. I would even
make the bed, you know, so it doesn't look like
anybody was there. And you still have that car? I
(13:07):
still have. Yeah, only two payments left. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:09):
Yeah, you know Danica Patrick, you knew that is yes,
the race car driver. She was asked recently on a podcast,
what type of engine do you have? And she said
she has no idea and they said, well is it
and she said engine? And what in her in a
race car? And she said she was unaware of whether
it was an eight or twelve cylinder. She knows that little.
(13:30):
She knows as much as I do about cars. D
you mean as little as you do, as little.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
As I do.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
And she drives him in the Indy five hundred.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
Well, you know, athletes are always athletes. I remember Walter Peyton.
You remember him, sure, Okay. Walter Payton was not a
car guy at all. Knew nothing about but he was
a gregarious fellow and a nice guy, but a good athlete,
and we became friends with him. He said, Hey, you
should do the Toyota Grand Prix with us. Oh, that'd
be fun. Yeah, okay. So he comes in and within
(14:00):
one day of with the professional driver, he's matching the
track record.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Because he's he's an athlete. His hand eye coordination is unbelievable.
I mean that could break break breaks like break turnament
ye shifting. I mean he picked it up because he's
an athlete, you know.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
But you know I also in the same podcast I
was listening to, I didn't know this. Maybe you know
this because you're a big car guy. They only use
in NASCAR, when when you know they do the whatever
the you know, the Coconot five hundred of Pocono five.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
I don't know, Flora, that's with common, Miranda, the Cocono
that the Cocono they.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
Use the engine for one race, then they take it
out and send it back to you know, Toyota.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
And they tear it down one race. Well, but well
they're that hard on the engines. I mean that's wild.
That's what it is. Again, everything is wild, but it's
actually the opposite. It's no, it is. That's wild. J
that's good. Similar thing that's not wild, but that so
he put mustard on a hamburger. That's wild.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
But it's not expensive to tear down.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
And I mean, though yes, it's a very it's a
hugely expensive one. And drag racing they blow up everything,
They completely tear the engine out. It's it's ten twenty
thousand dollars a race.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
But but but to have you know, once you're done
with the rays, you know, you get if you win,
you get the milk and the flag and the check
and everything. That's just the start for your pit crew.
They got to now tear that car apart and have
it ready in four days.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
Yeah, yeah, we'll take them the show business.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
Yeah, that's unbelievable, Not wild, but unbelievable.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
Yeah. Can you say with us all right here? Okay,
god anywhere?
Speaker 2 (15:36):
All right, and then we're going to promote your charity event,
okay for these kids that got burned.
Speaker 4 (15:41):
You're listening to Tim Conway Junior on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
How many motorcycles do you own? Oh, sixty eight, one
hundred and sixty eight.
Speaker 1 (15:50):
Well, in case your crash on you need something to
ride while the other one's being fixed.
Speaker 2 (15:53):
Did you ever get pulled over for going too fast
exceeding the speed limit? No, no, I never keep I
imagine you don't have a lot of problem with the cops.
The cops pull you over. Oh it's Jay Lenn. Hey Jay,
how you doing nice?
Speaker 3 (16:04):
Well?
Speaker 1 (16:04):
Yeah, but I don't give cops a reason to give
me all the problem. I'm always polite. Permission to speak, officer, Yeah,
what do you want? I mean that works all the time.
Permission to speak officer, And they go, oh, because it's
really just a matter of respect on you. Yeah, you
know my favorite thing I love watching YouTube sovereign citizens.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
I'm traveling, I'm not oh I know a life time
showing your license or registered. I don't need to show
you because you know this is the stupidest before cameras,
those guys would have been taken out of the car.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
Yeah. And there was a guy who was traveling down
in Deep Arkansas. He's from New York, and he did
one of those California stops where he blew right through
his stop. I slowed down, but he went through it
and he gets pulled over by the cop and the
cops says, you know you didn't stop at the stop sign.
He says, yeah, but I slowed down, and the cop
(16:52):
pulls him out, hits him with the night stick. He goes,
you want me to stop? You want me to slow down?
Speaker 1 (16:57):
Right right there? You go?
Speaker 2 (16:59):
Old time, old school, old school Arkansas.
Speaker 3 (17:02):
You know.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
Oh I'm Boston. I remember my friend Boston cops were
was unbelievable. We're walking down the street and Abby Hoffman
was going to speak in the Boston common Oh wow.
And that was back in the days when if you
said an obscenity over a microphone you got arrested. It
was illegal. Yeah. So Amos Tucker was his name, and
a big tall kid and we're walking along. Cop but hey, way,
(17:23):
your kid's going going down the comedy. No you're not.
You're going back to your doing. Goes, No, you can't
make some back. Now, he's got a nice stick. He goes,
First of all, you can put that nice stick away
because you're not allowed to hit me with it. I
beat the crap out of.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
The Oh wow.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
He goes, where are you going. I'm going back to
my dorm man, thank you, I appreciated.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
There was a There was a bar in Burbank called
the Snug. I don't know if it's still there or not.
And I used to go there and meet friends, but
i'd leave my car there.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
A lot of guys in that, a lot of guys, guys,
mostly dudes.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
But I'd leave my car there and walk home because
I didn't want to get a duy and Burbank they're
pretty strict with that, so i'd walk home. So I
pull up to the bar and this motorcycle cop gets
out and he goes, where are you going. I said,
I'm going into the bar to have a couple of drinks.
He goes, well, I'm gonna be sitting right here when
you come out, I'm gonna arrest you for a DUI.
And I said, but I'm going to walk home, because
then you'll be drunk in public.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
I'll still throw you in jail. And I said, ah.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
He said, why don't you go home and watch the
Tonight Show with Jay Lenno. Yeah, you know, he said,
that was the best advice you could have give guys.
Promoting the hell out of your show back.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
I appreciate that.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
Who are some of your comedian friends that you hang
out with.
Speaker 1 (18:31):
Oh, who's the.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
Guy who opens for you all the time?
Speaker 1 (18:34):
The guy Jimmy's great He worked with me on the
Tonight Show for years. A very funny guy, very funny guy.
Did you when you did.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
The Tonight Show? I heard you did the show? Then
everyone went back to your house and you wrote the
monologue for the next night?
Speaker 1 (18:47):
Wait, write the monologue from ten to two? Well, you'd
write half the monologue. So when I went in the
next morning at seven or eight, I was prepared. I
had at least enough of it in the can that
I could go on with the other parts of the show.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
We went at seven in the morning. The Lenos start tonight. Yeah,
starts pretty early.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
Wow, Because people think I always remember Chevy Chase. I
saw him once. I said, why are you doing the
talk show? He goes, well, you know, my kids are
getting a little older, and I can go boating with
them in the morning and afternoon and then come in
to the show. When do you take four o'clock? I
come in three o'clock. And what I meant, I mean
(19:24):
I was there from seven until six, and then the
ridings for the show up at nine thirty or ten,
and we'd sit till maybe two in the morning and
then go back into seven. And that was That was
the general routine when there was nothing pressing. But the
monologue was always the best part of the show. I
didn't care what the actors were promoting and all that stuff,
(19:44):
but the monologue was always the best one. The next night. Well,
we all, you know, we tried to do it for
as long as we could, because you tried to make
as long as we could because people, really there weren't enough.
There were eighteen celebrities in the whole world that meant
rating well. One of them was Barack Obama. Barack Obama
like he used to he used to land a Burbank airport.
And I used to live a block off of Hollywood Way,
(20:06):
and they would shut down Hollywood Way, and these CHP
officers would come down and block these streets and as they,
you know, leapfrog each other to block these streets. They
were doing one hundred and thirty one hundred and forty
miles an hour on Hollywood Way to get to the
next I'm trying to remember the guy's name Anyway, when
Barack Obama, Hillary had the nomination lockedown, and then this
(20:27):
guy named back Obama announced he's running for president. And
I said, hey, this guy just announced he's running the
president community organizer. Let's let's go. Let's get him. So
I call up Brock. Oh, thanks advicing me on the show,
flies out here, gets a rent a car, drives to
the Tonight show. His got his jacket over shoulder. He
comes in and but I say, my name is Barack
Withsan Obama. I'm running for president of state. I said, well,
(20:50):
let's see black guy from Chicago, the middle name was Hussein.
I said, you shouldn't even have the campaign. I think
you're a sure. Yeah, And he thought that was funny,
and we got to be friends. So he gave me
his phone number so that he becomes president of United States.
So the next time he comes, the whole parking lot
is tanted, so a satellite cannot see where the presidential
(21:12):
limousine goes once it comes in the parking lot, so
it's all tanted. Okay, that's kind of cool. Oh yeah,
that's that's the same thing. And when we have the
first time a president was ever on the show, blah,
blah blah, you know, on a late night show. So
this is the trouble coming from a small town having
the same idiot friends you have when you're in eighth grade.
I'm with my buddies and I'm going, yeah, Barack Obama,
you gave me his phone? Dumb n uh uh, I'm
(21:33):
going he gave me his number. I don't believe it.
All right, So I'm going out my phone. But I
got my finger over the number. See what does it
say that says Presidentied States Barack Obama? Is he the
first CE? The area code that's that's Washington. You go, yeah,
but that's nothing. I go, well, you got the number,
let's call him. I go, no, he's President United States,
so he's not gonna take a call. You don't have
the number. I said, all right, And it's like three
(21:55):
o'clock in the afternoon. All right, I died. Hear rock
here this president? Yeah? Jay, lenhom what can I do
for you? Jay? Just here? Some of my buddies lose
this number. J Oh, it was great, It was great. Okay, yeah,
you didn't need anymore. But you don't remember. There was
(22:18):
a senator I'm trying to remember his name who got
arrested for having sex with his babysitter in Illinois. Oh yeah,
what was his name? Okay, so he drops out of
the race. So Alan keyes the African American Republican he
takes his place running. So the Democrats panic and they
go an African American he could win. We we got
(22:40):
to find our own African Americans. So they got the
community argist, I have Barack Obama. So the Barack Obama
against Alan Keys.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
That's how that started.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
Yeah, not even a contest. So yeah, but if but
if if that guy hadn't slept with the babysitter, he
wouldn't have been president United States. So it was.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
That's wild. I can say that. That's wild, all right?
Foundation dot org Grossmanburn Foundation dot org. Wednesday is it this?
Speaker 1 (23:05):
What? Well, go to the websday? You know it's not tomorrow,
it's next to It's a week for Wednesday, and one
hundred percent of the money goes to help you know,
there are so many poor kids, and you know, just
single mom that have kids and the kids get these
serious burns. And doctor Grossman will I mean he can't
cover all the expents himself. All he does an awful
lot and just my and your donation will go to
(23:26):
help these children. Will there be other celebrities other than you? There? No,
it's just me. It's just me. I wanted to do
it because you know, when I was in the burn center,
the nurses there were so nice to me. We sent
them all to the Bahamas and they went on a vacation.
They had a great time, and it's just nice. You know.
We just don't thank these people enough. And it's no
skin off my nose. I like to tell jokes anyway,
and if it raises money for a good cause, that's
(23:49):
what it is. So it's fun to do.
Speaker 2 (23:51):
Can you stay with us because I want you to. Uh,
there's a joke, my favorite joke that you tell that
I'd love for you to tell it. What joke is
that the guy at the beat with the potato?
Speaker 3 (24:01):
Oh no, no, But I I like your favorite story
that I have from you, which involves but I don't
want to tip the story, but in people that you
bumped into outside of your house.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Do you know what I'm talking about? Oh? Yeah, well
that's it.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
Yeah, that's a long that's that's Another one is when
you thought you were selling your house to this single
woman with a baby.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
You know that is a great story. That is so la.
You always tell that. Now, Yeah, you get here with us.
It's a beth On Orthodox, but I guess it'll be okay.
Speaker 4 (24:33):
You're listening to Tim Conway Junior on Demyan from KF
I am six forty.
Speaker 2 (24:38):
J is with us, all right, he's doing this a
huge benefit for the Grossman Burn Foundation. Go to the
website Grossman Burnfoundation dot org. It's down in Hermosa Beach,
the Comedy Magic club down there is Hermosa Beach a
week from tomorrow and the money goes to help kids
who've been burned. That has to be the most painful
(24:59):
thing because the pain continues. You break an arm, you
can set it. The pain goes away after a while.
The pain doesn't go away with the with the burns
for weeks months.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
Right, Yeah, and you know it. You've been there. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
Can you tell the first of all the story the
two things the joke about the guy the speedo, because
I always screw that joke, always screw the joke, right,
But I didn't create the joke.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
You did. Here's a joke. The joke is the guys
are walking on the guys trying to meet girls. How
you being not? Nothing? Is I can't have any success?
I talked to him. He goes like, here's what you do.
Go to the supermarket, get a potato, put it in
the front of your bathings. You walk around. The girls
are going, okay, I get there, come back. How do
(25:42):
you make out terrible? The girls run away? Why spots
to put the potato in the front. That's a stupid joke.
I heard that joke so many times, but it's so great.
So stupid.
Speaker 2 (25:55):
It's such a great visual, the guy walking around with
the potato in the back of his.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
Oh, that's actually not a great it's a disgusting visual. Actually,
it's not a great You always liked the like the
the Alaska one. Depends on if it's one of the
fingerlings or the you know, the the heavy duty potatoes,
your fringlings. Yeah, one of those Monty potatoes. What was
the Alaska one? Oh about it? I said, I'm doing
(26:20):
a giggle doing a gig in Alaska. It was February.
I remember that the sun came up at eleven thirty
in the morning and went down one third in the
after we had two hours of sunlight. It's forty degrees below.
It's freezing. You can't even stand out the window, there's
so much frost in the window. Yet, when I went
into the thrifty drug store, the ice cream is still soft.
(26:42):
I don't understand how the ice cream can still be soft.
Speaker 2 (26:46):
Such a great it was such a classic great. I
remember that joke the first time you told it, you know,
and it was always stuck with me because everybody has
had that, you know. I've gone to thrifty with the
cylinder ice cream, you know, and it's always soft as hell.
Speaker 1 (27:06):
You know what happened the other night, I'm on stage.
I'm talking about when you get to be older, you
lose strength. He was like two percent a year from
age sixty five on. And I said, I'm at the
point now we're opening a bag of pretzels is like
tearing a phone book. And said. This guy looks at me, goes,
he's about twenty five, goes, what's a phone book? I said,
(27:28):
you know, a phone book? He goes, No, what do
you mean? A phone book's got everybody's number. He goes,
how do they get everybody's number? Because they have your number? Well,
how would they get my number? He said? What if
I don't want to be in the phone book. He said, well,
then you pay money, you get an unlisted them, you
pay not to be a that's illegal, I got. You know,
this conversation is ridiculous. We just end this right now. Hilarious.
Speaker 2 (27:53):
Also, one of my favorite stories is when you went
to sell your house and you thought you were selling
it a single one.
Speaker 1 (28:01):
You know, this is so lak. We had a house
in Nichols Canyon. Okay, nice house, and so we're gonna move,
you know, got to tight shog. I've got to buy
a house in Beverly Hills, you know. Okay, So we
put the house for sale and this people come around.
You know, this woman comes around. She's got a child,
a little boy maybe six. Oh mommy, I like to say, okay, okay,
(28:22):
and she kind of low bosses, low balls us a
little bit, you know, and I said, well, seemed like
she seems really nice. And your husband, Oh no, I'm
a single mom. I mean, can you afford payment? All right? Okay,
So we make a deal for a little bit late,
you know, like twenty grand lesson. We know, Oh okay, fine,
(28:43):
So I make the deal and then my wife says,
you know, they got the kid and we when we
bought the house, we had new drapes put in, but
I never had him clean. I said, let's get to drapes, Drake.
I go, really yeah, because look Dusty and the kid
and you know dustin all right. So I pull all
the drapes down, they get them cleaned, hang them back
up to look unbelievable. I said, I should have done
(29:04):
this when I lived here, you know. So we sell
the house here you go, thank you very much. So
I said, let's go by and see how they're doing.
I come around the corner just as the bulders. They's
knocking my house down, and I go, well, what's what?
What's I said, who lives there? This is owned by
the something of the company. What do me something of
the company? And I investigate, Oh this she was just
a shill. She's buying houses for this for this company.
(29:29):
I was like furious.
Speaker 2 (29:32):
Also, another great story is I used to live I
don't know if you still do near. I think it's
sunset or where's the gay Pride parade? Mark? I know
that was.
Speaker 1 (29:46):
I've got my fifty five. I got a fifty seven
Buick Roadmaster convertible black red leather. They're kind of a
flashy car for the fifties. So mari If and I
are driving through and we're gonna gown too a pizza
place on and Michael Bullowart. So we got down and
center Michael bullerv on the cops here, hold it, hold it,
and he recognized me, and he goes, oh, oh, come on,
(30:07):
come on, come on, come on, I go, I go
see that honey recognizes me. Well, he doesn't recognize me.
He saw the car and figured I was in the
gay riper. So now the guy turns me and now
he guides my car, come on, come this way, come on.
From now I'm in the prey down and people going
to shaykay, thanks for coming out. I said, yeah, no problem.
(30:27):
My wife's laugh and they think you're gay, and they go, well, yeah,
they think you're lesbian.
Speaker 3 (30:30):
Okay, thank you very much.
Speaker 1 (30:32):
People going, Jay, thanks for coming no problem.
Speaker 3 (30:34):
Then, yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1 (30:37):
It's going to get a pizza and no three hours
in the paray. Yeah yeah, really, I was there for
about an hour and could Once you're in the break,
you can't get out because people lying on both sides,
so you just have to run the whole route.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
That is fantastic, all right. I I know you want
to get out of here. Grossmanburn Foundation dot org right
a week from tomorrow, week from tomorrow, and I you know,
whatever you donate go is right to helping kids.
Speaker 1 (31:01):
Yeah, one hundred percent of really. I mean you meet
these kids, they have these horrible burns, and it really
it really, you know, it's life changing. It really is,
because she especially when you're a young person, you're just
I mean just you see what acne does the kids,
So imagine having you and he doesn't. I mean, my
face was was gone.
Speaker 2 (31:19):
Oh yeah, I've seen pictures of it. It's horrible. TMZ had
it on like eight seconds after you got burned.
Speaker 1 (31:24):
Oh yeah yeah, TMZ was throwing gas on me. Yes, yeah, yeah,
please please. I got to get a text here from
a friend of mine. He asks, is jaylen or Italian?
I think you are? Yes, of course, the best Italian
restaurant in l A. I'll tell you an Italian story
if you got a second, Well, can you say? Yeah?
(31:45):
All right?
Speaker 2 (31:45):
Yeah, that's a great way to get here. We'd love
to have you stay. We're off at seven, so I
have you know, seven okay, all right, so.
Speaker 1 (31:55):
When we come back.
Speaker 2 (31:55):
Best Italian restaurant. You've got a great Italian yeah, okay,
all right. And also there's another story you gotta I
gotta ask you to tell, if you don't mind, When
your dad went to buy his his car and you
added all the US A million times Conway show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app. Now you can always hear
(32:16):
us live on kf I Am six forty four to
seven pm Monday through Friday, and anytime on demand on
the iHeart Radio app
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On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!