July 7, 2025 • 44 mins
Deborah shares her journey from overachievement and burnout to living a more meaningful, positive life. Learn about her 6-step framework to break negative cycles, overcome circular thinking, and cultivate daily happiness. Transform fear, anger, and stress into confidence, resilience, and joy with practical strategies that truly make a difference.
Inspire Vision Podcast is broadcast on K4HD Radio (www.k4hd.com) part of Talk 4 Radio (www.talk4radio.com) on the Talk 4 Media Network (www.talk4media.com).
Inspire Vision Podcast TV Show is viewed on Talk 4 TV (www.talk4tv.com).
Inspire Vision Podcast is also available on Talk 4 Podcasting (www.talk4podcasting.com), iHeartRadio, Amazon Music, Pandora, Spotify, Audible, and over 100 other podcast outlets.
Inspire Vision Podcast is broadcast on K4HD Radio (www.k4hd.com) part of Talk 4 Radio (www.talk4radio.com) on the Talk 4 Media Network (www.talk4media.com).
Inspire Vision Podcast TV Show is viewed on Talk 4 TV (www.talk4tv.com).
Inspire Vision Podcast is also available on Talk 4 Podcasting (www.talk4podcasting.com), iHeartRadio, Amazon Music, Pandora, Spotify, Audible, and over 100 other podcast outlets.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
This program is designed to provide general information with regards
to the subject matters covered. This information is given with
the understanding that neither the hosts, guests, sponsors, or station
are engaged in rendering any specific and personal medical, financial,
legal counseling, professional service, or any advice. You should seek
(00:22):
the services of competent professionals before applying or trying any
suggested ideas.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
At the end of the day, it's not about what
you have or even what you've accomplished. It's about what
you've done with those accomplishments. It's about who you've lifted up,
who you've made better. It's about what you've given back.
Denzel Washington, Welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is
to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you
(00:51):
to do the same.
Speaker 3 (00:52):
Ebrah, Welcome to the show.
Speaker 4 (00:54):
Thank you, doctor Doug. It's a pleasure to be here
inspire your audience alongside you.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
I'm looking forward to so let the audience know. Where
do you live.
Speaker 4 (01:03):
I live in Manhattan, New York, in the middle of
the hustle and bustle, and I was born and bred here.
Speaker 3 (01:10):
Okay, good for you, good for you. I lived I
grew up in Chicago and it was like, you know,
I was ready to get out of there after a
number number of years. So look good for you. So
here's what I love for you to do. You know,
I find that there's always a journey that people have
taken to reach the point that they're at, and I'd
love for you to share your journey and what brought
(01:32):
you to this point where you've written your book and
where you're doing.
Speaker 4 (01:36):
What you're doing absolutely well. As I mentioned, I grew
up in Manhattan, New York, and my parents were creatives.
They were both fashion designers, so I did grow up
with a lot of creativity. But at about ten years old,
I started to become an overachiever and that has lasted
(01:58):
and I'm working. I've worked on it, and that was
the reason for my book, because that overachiever, pushing ourselves
to exhaustion and then allowing the negativity to cloud our
minds can really do a number on how you feel
and enjoying life, making life meaningful and having fun. It's
(02:19):
not all about work. Works important, Yes, I mean it
fees our soul to a degree, but we get to
the end and what did we achieve? So I really
on a New York City subway platform. The tears came
down my eyes and I said down my cheeks, and
I said to myself, I have to change, something has
(02:42):
to change. This is not what life is about. This
is not meaningful living, and I'm just being a robot
going with the flow. I was working at an iconic brand,
a big pharmaceutical company, and I was number one. I
made myself get to number one before that when I
was in design years before that, I had to be
(03:02):
the best. Also, it's always been a cycle. So I
really worked to stop the negativity, to have more positivity
in my life, to be able to enjoy. And I
did a lot of research and I started to write
which was called The Daily Decisions, which is my website,
my brand. But I started to write what is now
(03:22):
six Steps to Fewer Days. That sucked. It was really
only for me. Is my guidebook to help me find
a happier life. Can be happy every second, and I
want to be clear about that. But we can be
happier and we can enjoy our lives, and we can
get rid of the negativity and the circular thinking and
the fear and all the stuff that bombards us it's
(03:45):
part of life. So I started to write that and
it changed my life. And I don't worry anymore, and
I'm basically always positive and I let things slip off
and slide down my back. So slide off my back,
I should say, because it's truly we are truly capable
(04:08):
of doing that, but we have to make the decision,
the commitment to actually go ahead and do it. And
so that's it in a nutshell. And I just want
to let people know that they can change the trajectory
of their lives. Even if they believe they can't, they can.
Speaker 3 (04:29):
Okay, So you've talked about a lot of things real quick,
So let's first of all talk about your book Six Steps.
I'm going to say this slowly because you said it fast,
Six steps to fewer days. That suck, all right, So okay,
and you talk about that, You talk about the fact
that you know, yeah, we go through, You talk about
(04:50):
circular thinking, you talk about negativity. So I want to
get into each of these areas a little bit. Okay, Okay,
you know, one of the things that struck me is
I was, you know, looking at what some things we
might chat about, was this concept of negativity and It's interesting.
I have a colleague, an acquaintance I interviewed on my
(05:12):
show years ago when I was doing business tips and trends,
and we're friends on Facebook, and all of a sudden
with and I don't want to get political here, but
all of a sudden, with the politics that have occurred,
with the voting and the changing that's going on, all
of a sudden, I'm seeing post after post of negativity,
(05:32):
and quite frankly, one of them, you know, was it
was just like, okay, so what I did, which is,
you know, I don't know, that's just me. I thought,
you know what, I'm going to write just the opposite
of this, So you know, I'm not a great writer.
But I went on to chat GPT and I said, okay,
here's the article. I want you to write the positive
(05:53):
of this rather than the negative. And so that happened,
and I went in and edited, added a few more things,
put it back on the website in Facebook actually, and
oh my goodness, I got nailed so many times by
people that we're following and so forth, and I thought
to myself, why is it? And now I just continually
see the negativity, the negativity, the negativity. Why is it
(06:17):
that people get stuck in negativity? Based on your experience?
What is it?
Speaker 4 (06:22):
Honestly, because it goes back to early humans or we
could say the caveman. How our brains tend to focus
on remember negative information, negative events over positive. It's called
negativity bias. And I know you know about it, and honestly,
(06:43):
that is the reason. But if we want to, we
can reframe our thoughts, reshape our perspective, because it's all
how we want to look at things. You want to
look at things as being horrible and disgusting and what
because I you know, I hear their political stuff too,
and we really can go down that rabbit hole. And
(07:07):
then what happens is because our brains seek patterns, we
create these negative patterns which continue with us as opposed
to focusing on, like you did and I would do,
is the positive side of all those things, And that
is what happens. It's just mind buggling to me that
(07:31):
people would want to live in such negativity because they're
not happy.
Speaker 3 (07:37):
As you say, it is kind of an inclination. I
hadn't thought of that, but you know, we think more
of negative rather, it's easier to think of negative than positive,
but in your experience, when someone is stuck in negativity,
what does that do to their help?
Speaker 4 (07:54):
So interesting because actually I just wrote an article that's
going to be in Eyepain online magazine, and it's all
about how negativity can get you sick because these negative
emotions are actually linked to certain diseases like gastro and
(08:15):
geological problems, degenerative brain problems, cardiovascular issues. It really is.
It can actually because it raises the cortisol. These negative emotions,
especially when it's severe like what your experience online, it
can actually have such a damaging effect that it's even
(08:37):
linked possibly with Alzheimer's and affecting the mental the cognitive decline.
It can affect our health being able to actually heal
ourselves from any disease or something might or problem might
take longer or be difficult to do because we've the
(08:58):
court is all swimming around and it just doesn't help us.
And it's scary. That was one of my wake up
calls doctor Doug, because I said, you know what, I
could kill myself if I want to, not literally kill myself,
but through all of this, because the negativity really can
make us sick, and people don't realize, I think what's
(09:22):
happening to them. You know, we can do these things
to ourselves, just like anything anything negative, we do it
to ourselves. It's just so interesting how that happens. And
those people like you and I, we want to stop that.
We want to live a happier life, so we seek
out those positive patterns to be able to counter the negativity.
(09:45):
And so that's such a shame. And I wish that
people would have a wake up call. And you would
also comment on when you talk about regarding negativity and
how it can literally make us sick.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
Yeah, well, and you know when we talk about that,
excuse me, how do you help people or how do
we help people? Or how does anyone if someone, for instance,
you know someone that's listening to the show right now,
and they have friends or they have family members that
are just constantly negative and ideally the people that are
(10:20):
listening tend to be more positive and want to think
that way, how do they help someone or how does
the individual that is always thinking negative make a change
to start being more positive in what they're doing and
what they're thinking.
Speaker 4 (10:36):
And the truth of the matter is, unless somebody wants
to change as much as you could talk till you're
blue in the face if they don't want to change.
We can't control what other people do. We can control
our thoughts, emotions, actions, reactions, but controlling other people, or
(10:57):
not controlling, but trying to help other people becomes difficult
unless they want to help themselves. Yes, you could talk
about this the way we you and I are talking
about it and hope hopefully something will spark and they
will maybe come to a conclusion themselves. But that's what
I find and listen with people I coach and all
unless somebody wants to change. And that's why I work.
(11:21):
When I work with people, I actually am like an
accountability partner, a mentor somebody that's there to actually be
a mirror more than anything else, because sometimes when we're
so close to ourselves, we don't see what's actually happening,
what we're doing to ourselves, and it is helpful to
(11:44):
actually seek out somebody, whether it's a therapist or just
somebody like me or you as a doctor and with
all your certificates and degrees and everything, to be able
to lay it out in a rational way and then
walk them through it and hold their hand almost be
a cheerleader. Because then making those positive patterns when you
(12:08):
start to feel good, when you feel better, then the
cycle starts that you can actually make that change because
when you feel good, you do better and you recognize it.
But till then, I.
Speaker 3 (12:22):
Don't know well, and you know when you think about that.
And one of the things that I recognize years ago
was and was taught in one of my studies, was
that you know, and there's some quotes out there that
talk about, you know, you are the equal of the
six people or the five people that you surround yourself with. Yes,
(12:43):
but when someone actually gets to that point where they go,
you know what, I want to change this negativity? What
do they need to look at about who they're surrounding
themselves with?
Speaker 4 (12:52):
And that's very true too. I always talk about one
of the things that is so important is to surround
yourself with a supportive community, a positive force in your
life where it's a give and take and each of
you lifts each other up. It's a positive positive as
opposed to negative where you have the jealousy and you
(13:15):
have all those other negative emotions that arise, and it's
it is so important to get rid of the toxic
people in your lives, and it's not mean or nasty
to do that. It's actually going to help you because unfortunately,
what happens when you surround yourself with negativity or people
that are negative, it tends to compound. If you're feeling
(13:39):
that way and then they're feeling that way, and then
there's no way out. You go down that rabbit hole.
Hold together, and.
Speaker 3 (13:45):
It goes on and on and on and on.
Speaker 4 (13:48):
You're right.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
So one of the other words you use initially is
you were introducing and kind of telling your journey is
circular thinking. And that was another thing that you know,
I've not heard of that terminology put that way before.
I'd love for you to kind of share what what
does that mean circular thinking and how does that affect
people to have days that suck?
Speaker 4 (14:12):
Really well, let me start with this this once its statistic,
and then we'll go into circular thinking. You know, I
read a study that ninety one percent of what we
worry about and you probably see it too. You know
it's all online is never happens. So that means nine
percent of what we worry about happens. So the circular
(14:35):
thinking is we get caught in a loop and whatever
our thought is it doesn't leave. I'm talking about negative
thoughts or fear, worry, just stress and anxiety and just
letting it circle in your brain and never stop. And
that just weaks havoc. And it's changing the narrative, right,
(15:00):
reshaping our thoughts to enhance our story, not make it worse.
And honestly, if you don't get out of that, life
will never be happier. And like I said, I don't
want to say that it's going to be happy every day.
We have stuff in our lives. Life is messy and
(15:21):
people die and things happen, Terrible things happen, wonderful things happen.
But it's being able to learn to be resilient. I
think two of the most important things we can do
for ourselves is to build our confidence and our resilience
because then we feel better about ourselves and we're able
(15:43):
to get through more easily. I don't say it's easy,
but get through the tougher times. So being able to
do that and not circular think and get yourself out
of that frame of mind and develop a more positive outlook.
And some people say, oh, you can't do that, but
(16:04):
honestly you can. And people I work with and myself.
I improve, and I'm sure you are too that if
you want to lean more positive, you absolutely can. And
I don't worry what other people think anymore. I don't
worry about judgment. I don't worry about failure. I rename
the word failure. I call it education and growth, because
(16:28):
how else do you learn? How else do you get better?
It's the same with positivity and confidence. How else do
you improve your life unless you try different things and
see what the results are and work towards improving our life.
Life is so short, and as I say, short to
(16:50):
be grumpy.
Speaker 3 (16:51):
It's so fascinating social media. I have found, for instance,
that you know, a couple of things came up. I thought, okay,
I'm curious, I'll look it, you know, look at this,
And all of a sudden I keep getting posts, all
these negative posts, negative posts, negative posts, and I finally
have had to just start deleting them and saying I
don't want these anymore. But the reality is is that
(17:13):
we tend ai, you know, and everything that goes on
in social media tends to reinforce that which we watch
and look at. And so if we're if we find
ourselves in that negative mindset, and we're constantly looking at
that stuff, it will continue and reinforce and reinforce, and
so in order to get out of that circular thinking
(17:36):
that that's not easy, and I think that goes to
this whole concept of mindset. But before we go there,
I want to go to your book. All right, you
talk about six steps, and we may have been already
talking about some of those, but I'd love for you
to go through, step by step. What are the steps
you talk about in your book to have fewer days
that suck?
Speaker 4 (17:56):
And as you know, my book is not a chapter book,
so it's not talking at you. It's not graphs and charts.
It's actually one big warm hug. That's a pep talk.
To break it down simply, I have double pages on
various topics within the steps, like walk away from negativity
or no more Excuses or happiness is a choice of
(18:19):
many about procrastination, many different things that everybody struggles with.
You know, we all face rejection. It's true. I google that,
it's really true. Anyhow, I start with the decision, and
that's why my brand is the Daily Decisions, because it's
(18:39):
our choice how we want to live our lives. I mean,
can we make everything the way we want it? Know,
but we can shape it. And that's the nice thing.
We can shape our future by choices that we make,
by decisions that we make. So I go through that
in the double pages, and at the end of each
(19:02):
double page, I mean at the end of each of
the eight double pages in a step, I have a summary,
I have the tips, and then I have a line page.
Because in each of the of the double pages there's questions.
Because I did this for myself, I ask questions. First,
I make a commitment, then I ask questions. There's solutions
(19:24):
and ways to look at things, an activity, a mantra
you can say, and visuals and I also have a
picture of this or did you know about different people
that have accomplished whatever that topic on the double page is,
and then three tips to finish it off. So the
(19:45):
first is the decision and then comes ditch bad habits. Okay?
Is that easy?
Speaker 3 (19:52):
No?
Speaker 4 (19:52):
But consciously doing small steps every day and creating those
positive patterns that sick stick because our brains seek patterns
really makes a difference. And learning how to just block
out the noise, like you were saying on social media,
there's so much negative noise or just things that we
(20:15):
that are not going to enhance our lives. And I
look for things in my life that are going to
enhance my life, that's going to make it better, that's
going to make it more enjoyable, because why would I
be miserable? Why would anybody want to be miserable? I
don't know so, but I understand because I was there,
so I do understand what happens. So after ditchband habits
(20:40):
comes the mindset. Like you said, it's the mindset. You
have to make the decision to change your mindset, how
you think your perspective in that. And then after that
comes the action taking action. You know, how we react
to things. We can react positively or negatively. I share
a little story about how I almost lost a job
(21:01):
because I got so angry, and I've learned not to
lash out anymore and to control it and to center
and to breathe and to do various things. And then
after that is the attitude, because that's different than mindset.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
You know.
Speaker 4 (21:16):
It's like somebody said to me when in one of
my travels, that the secret to life is a positive attitude.
And I really believe that, I really do because I
know how much better I feel when I feel positive
than when I feel negative. So I do believe that.
And then the last step is the commitment. You start
with the decision. And then even though I have the
(21:37):
commitment all through it, at the beginning of each of
the double pages, still we have to make a final commitment,
commitment to ourselves that we are going to work towards
making our lives more enjoyable, to enjoy more and worry
less and make life easier, because honestly, why not.
Speaker 3 (22:00):
And it fascinates me how people get stuck You mentioned anger.
People get stuck in anger, see, people get stuck in fear.
I look at you know a couple of the different
models of emotional levels, uh, and and there are a
couple of them out there that I enjoy. But you
know how people can tend to be below zero where
(22:20):
you have the frustration, you have, the anger, you have,
the fear, you have, all of those, even all the
way down to victim and and and here people tend
to get stuck in that and when they when they
have something happen, uh and the event that happens. And
quite frankly, and I love the saying that I've heard before,
(22:41):
and I believe it's to be true. The event does
not have any emotion attached to it. We attach an emotion,
and so when we have an event occur, and ideally
it's we've you know, a positive emotion. But when something
happens and we find yourselves getting angry, fearful, whatever, that
happens to be, the question is how do we number one,
(23:02):
recognize that, be aware that that's what's going on, and
how do we change that? And I think that's where
we get into this whole concept of mindset, the fact
that we've got to be able and I've had a
couple of people say this, and I love the analogy.
We've got to be able to step outside of ourselves
for a minute, kind of be that third party that's
just walking alongside by side in a different dimension, so
(23:24):
to speak. But as we observe those emotions come up,
being able to talk to ourselves and say, okay, anger, fear, frustration,
that is not healthy and that is certainly not applying
to your joy and happiness and all of that. So
how on earth and why is that coming up? And
(23:45):
I think where the mindset comes in is you start
to really be curious enough that you look at that
and try to figure out why does that happening. Oftentimes, yes,
it has to do with imprints from childhood, maybe even
DNA that we don't really understand so much, but being
a memory from pastor yeah, from ancestors, whatever that happens
(24:07):
to be, and being able to develop a mindset that says,
you know what, each time I see that emotion come up,
I don't have to experience it anymore. I might experience it,
but I don't have to express it. And the minute
we start moving in that direction, as you have talked
about a little bit about the neural pathways, all of
(24:27):
a sudden we start to change the neurological pathways in
our brains and we start to experience that change. And
you're right, it does not happen overnight, but ultimately, if
someone's really focused on that, they can change.
Speaker 4 (24:41):
Yeah, and it can happen relatively quickly, honestly, because what
I've noticed is we feel so much better, and then
being able to recreate how much better we feel, we
tend to then go towards the more positive patterns, because honestly,
(25:04):
I don't think anyone really wants to be that unhappy.
I mean, everybody talks about happiness. Happiness is a choice
in all of that, and I really believe it. I
believe that we can make that change if we want to,
and I just hope that more people do, because my
heart goes out to people because what happens is we're
(25:25):
stuck in negative emotions. And when you're feeling stuck and
you feel like you're going in circles and nothing's changing,
it just becomes harder to make that change because you're
stuck in a loop. And you got to what you said,
you have to exit that loop and how you do it,
And I believe what you said walking side by side
(25:47):
with with yourself. I think it's all about reflecting and
then realizing how you're going to react, and not to
react in an adverse way because it's not going to help.
And then what happens again that becomes circular too. You
feel horrible. Many of us, I don't want to say everybody,
(26:10):
but many of us then feel we need to apologize,
and it becomes and then people don't believe us anymore
because it's hollow. Apologies are hollow after you do it
over and over again and you hurt those people you
love and it just makes us feel worse. And then
it continues and it continues, and I think what happens
(26:31):
is when children grow up with that, it just becomes
a pattern for them too. That's what they're used to.
You don't know anything else. So being conscious of how
you're parenting too is a really important thing to think about.
And one of the reasons that people should really change
because you love your children so much that why would
(26:53):
you want to put that negativity and all of that
angst on them rather than working to make them confident,
to make them resilient, to make them look forward. And
that's one of the things I'm working towards is actually
I'm developing a curriculum because what my overarching goal to
pay it forward more than anything else, is to help
(27:16):
children and teens develop confidence and resilience because then I
believe that they will be kinder adults. And when people
are negative, they don't love themselves, they don't like themselves,
they're not being kind to themselves. How can they be
kind to someone else? And that's what I talk about too,
and we can talk about it if you like. Is
(27:37):
self care and self care isn't just taking a bubble with.
It's more about how we treat ourselves. I like to say,
personally consider it to ourselves, not rude to ourselves.
Speaker 3 (27:49):
Well, and you know you talk about you talk about
some specific steps and one that I enjoyed that I
was reading that you talk about is controlling your anger
and actual steps. And I don't know how to do this,
but it sounds like interesting. I want you to explain.
You know, you turn scream into smiles.
Speaker 1 (28:06):
Uh.
Speaker 3 (28:06):
You know, you you find these emotions and as these
emotions come up, you just turn them around one hundred
and eighty degrees, so anger into kindness, uh, you know,
frustration into experience, all of those types of things. How
what are some of the things that people can do
that you as you're working with people as a coach,
(28:27):
what what do you suggest that they do from an
actual activity, for instance, how do they turn a scream
into a smile?
Speaker 4 (28:35):
And that's that's really interesting, but it starts with, honestly,
what we said, This doesn't happen overnight. And I want
to just backtrack because you're not going to wake up
more morning and say, Okay, I'm going to turn my
scream into a smile or I mean we're turn my
frustration into just being more calm. The thing is, we
(28:57):
have to give ourselves permission, and that's where the self
care comes in. We have to give ourselves permission to
be kind to ourselves. That's the first thing. When we're
kind to ourselves, we take a step back before reacting,
whether you want to count to ten, whether you want
a deep breathe, because that really does help to center
(29:19):
you to not react right away, to reflect and take
a step back. Because what happens is with anger, frustration, anxiety,
we tend to just react, fly off the handle that way.
And what it is is we need to really stop
ourselves from doing that. Once we do, and we create
(29:43):
those patterns where we don't let it infiltrate how we
feel or let it into our brains. We just stop it.
We distract. One way I like to do it is
I really like to distract when a negative thought or
an anger or whatever happens, I like to do something else.
And I know when you're in the moment, you're not
(30:05):
necessarily going to do that, but over time, practicing stepping
away from the anger. Sometimes that's difficult to do, but
we find ways that we can and that's the way
we can help ourselves to turn the screams into smiles,
to turn more frustration into calm, to calm our stressors,
(30:29):
to be able to just relax ourselves as opposed to
heightening the anger, the frustration, the stress, the anxiety, because
that's what we do. Once you start in the circle again,
it's circular. Everything circular. It just continues as opposed to
stepping back, reflecting and not going there. And it's not easy,
(30:50):
but it's definitely doable. It definitely is. If you want
to do it, you can.
Speaker 3 (30:56):
Well, you know what I find interesting. Obviously, I'm here
in Thailand, and I found it very fascinating to study
Buddhism because that is ninety five to ninety eight percent
of what people is their cultural background. Also starting to
look at Hinduism and particularly the Vedic yoga, which is
(31:17):
more of a philosophy than just the physical stuff, and
I'm seeing the pattern there of these philosophies and I
don't call them religions, I call them philosophies. That really
the whole point is to get to the point where
you are doing exactly what you're talking about. You're getting
to the point where you're freeing yourself from that suffering,
(31:39):
from that frustration, from all those type of things. You're
actually finding yourself kinder. You're understanding that you within yourself
has have that magnificent light, that divinity within yourself, and
the whole goal of life in some cases is to
take away and peel away those onion layers that just
(32:00):
mortality gives to us and start to discover and become
that inner light that exists within each one of us.
What have you found? Of course, then they get into
meditation and all of these types of things. Yes, have
you found that as you're working with people that there
is a philosophy that you like to talk about And
(32:24):
you may not identify it per se, but you find
that there's actually a philosophy that if they will follow
and learn and understand and become that they start to
find that they have better days, better days, better days.
Speaker 4 (32:40):
And I don't necessarily call it a philosophy, but I
do enjoy the study and Buddhism and that kind of
because it is all about the calm and being kind
and that inner peace and intercom and it's just so
important to do that. And what what it is I
(33:02):
always talk about? I don't call it necessarily a philosophy,
but maybe I will. Is just more about why wouldn't
you want to enjoy your life? And write down why
you wouldn't, And there's really nobody can really write down
a lot of things why they wouldn't. So once you
do that, then what are the things you need to
(33:24):
do to change that? And we work through that because
that's ultimately my goal is to for myself, for everybody,
is to just enjoy life more, not to be hard
on yourself, to be self kind and just find ways
to enjoy. Yes, we're going to have suffering, as you said,
(33:44):
and yes things will happen that could even be horrific,
but we could either stay stuck in it. And I'm
not being insensitive. I'm just saying we can stay stuck
in it, or we can work through it and come
out into the light, as you said, And that's exactly
what I share, because it's all about why wouldn't you
(34:07):
want to be happier? And like I said, happy, I
try not to do that. I just just happy er
because if you're all the way down there, like you said,
zero below zero, whatever, why wouldn't you want to bring
yourself up? Because Honestly, you get to the end of
your life and you say to yourself, what didn't I do?
(34:28):
What could I have done? And why did I complicate
things so much? You listen to people who are on
their deathbed and they say, why did I make it
so difficult? We're all making it too difficult for ourselves.
Not that we don't have to struggle or work and
make money and keep a roof over our head and
all those things, but we can find ways to enjoy.
(34:49):
I mean, there are people who have very little money
and they're just happy. Well it's a choice, and yes,
maybe it's a little genetic, I you know, but.
Speaker 3 (34:58):
Still it amazes me here to see people that are
maybe maybe living off of three or four hundred dollars
a month, right, that's it. And yet and I see
how they kind of compensate with drinking and that type
of thing, but many are not doing that, and yet
(35:20):
they're happy. You know, I walk up to someone that
I've never met and it's just HI, how are you?
In their language? But you know, it's so interesting to
see these people that just tend to be happy, even
though if they lived in America in the way that
they're living here, they would be considered homeless, but here
they're just part of a village. They're part of a community.
(35:42):
And that's just how it is. And it's interesting that,
you know, the mindset can create our experience and if
we can get to the point where we don't have
that ego, and you know, that's a whole other topic,
but if we can get to the point where we
start to literally experience happiness, as you say, and those
(36:04):
type of things that we can enjoy life regardless of
what comes our way.
Speaker 4 (36:11):
It's really true. Not that you're not going to have
a day or a few days that you're sad, and
that's totally what happens. Yeah, and that's okay, right, right,
it's okay, it's rising. Well, it's actually pushing yourself through
that to be able to experience happier days because you
(36:32):
could stay miserable or not. I mean, people die, we lose,
we lose family, other bad things happen. But again, just
like stay staying in a negative mindset, we have a choice.
We can sink into the quicksand or we can rise
and see the and join the light. And that's what
I choose to do. I want I share with others
(36:55):
to do that, and I'm very compassionate because that's really
what it's about you. You will have difficult times, but
more times will be happy or happier if you allow
it to be that way.
Speaker 3 (37:10):
So you have any stories of clients you work with
that you don't have to use names, But does anything
come to mind as far as the story of someone
that you started working with that literally did go from
that anger, that fear, and so forth into a life
where they're starting to enjoy. Could you share one of those?
Speaker 4 (37:27):
Yeah? Absolutely. It started with actually making a decision to change.
I mean, this person read my story and it resonated
a lot of the people. They read my story and
what I went through, and it resonates because what I'm
sharing out there is not put on, it's not fake,
(37:49):
it's not all smiles and all of that. But I'm
truly centered in myself. And so what we did is
we work through everything that I went through, through my book,
through worksheets that I share, and it really really worked
because the person wanted to make that change. And it's
(38:14):
just being able to balance work, balance family, balance all
and you can't perfectly balance everything, but you can strive
for more harmony and balance in our lives and be
able to say no to things, because that's really important too.
Some people are people pleasers, some people like this person.
(38:35):
Some people take on too much and don't know how
to say no, and it wreaks havoc. And then that's
when the frustration and the anger and the overwhelm happens,
because how do you deal with all of this and
you have your family and it becomes overwhelming, and so
being able to say no, to stop with the people pleasing,
(38:58):
and to just be themselves, don't judge themselves, don't judge
other people, just let that judgment go and slowly but
surely recognizing it and making these patterns a whole new
person because this person wanted to do it. And that's
honestly what it comes down to. It. It's simpler than
(39:22):
it sounds. It's simpler than we think it would be
because we're so caught up in the negative mindset or
other things going on in our minds that we can't
separate ourselves and we need to. What you said is
walk us alongside ourselves and actually see what's going on.
But that's where it's helpful to have an accountability partner
(39:43):
or a mentor or a confidant or somebody that can
actually be honest with you and say, this is what
you're doing, and you need to stop it by doing
these things. And that's how it works. It doesn't take forever,
and it takes work.
Speaker 3 (40:00):
It takes work. And I appreciate you saying that because
you know, as I look, as I look at that
is like you know, as I look at my own life,
oh my goodness, the studying, the working, the meditation, all
of the stuff that I'm still doing and still doing.
But it's work, but it's worth it because and I
(40:22):
think that's the key for people is to understand that,
you know what, you are going to have to work.
You're going to have to work at this. You're going
to have to look at it and analyze it, be
humble enough to accept what's going on, and being courageous
enough to be willing to say, all right, I will
make that change. And as you do that, recognizing that
it's work. As you do that, all of a sudden,
(40:45):
you start to see the light at the end of
the tunnel. And you know, every once in a while,
you know, the light goes away for a bit, but
you always get back to that light, because that's the
mental attitude that you've developed. So as we close, and
you've said so many wonderful things, but I would love
for you again to take just whatever has come to
(41:07):
your mind. What would be a message that you'd ultimately
like to leave with the audience today?
Speaker 4 (41:14):
And you just said something about courage, and I believe
that partnering your confidence, your courage, building the resilience to
be able to bounce back and to know that things
will be okay. Having that in your mind because you
see it over time. Having that perspective is what I
(41:36):
think is so important for people to cultivate and to
trust themselves, because so many times I see that people
don't trust themselves. The fear and the worry and all
the negative emotions take over. And honestly, if we want
to go inside, we really can trust ourselves, whether we
(41:58):
lead on our instincts or into wish And I don't
say that's always going to work, but it definitely take
a pause and trust yourself, give yourself a really big hug,
Be kind to yourselves, as I say, personally considerate, treat
yourself the way you would like others to treat you,
(42:18):
and then work on your confidence, your resilience, your courage,
your positive mindset and just look forward to every day,
say a positive affirmation and all like kind of say
hug yourself.
Speaker 3 (42:33):
Great, great Deborah, thank you so much. This has been
a great conversation and I appreciate your insights.
Speaker 4 (42:40):
Thank you. I appreciate yours.
Speaker 3 (42:42):
So let me ask you again, and I guess renew
with the audience. The name of your book number one?
And then two, how do people find you? What's your website?
Speaker 4 (42:50):
So the name of the book is six Steps to
Fewer Days that Suck, Ditch unhealthy habits and zip happier
You because there's a big zipper times Zippy and unleash
the sunshine. And my website is the Daily Decisions with
an s dot Com because we need to make these
(43:13):
daily decisions to change our lives, to change the trajectory
of our lives. And if you go to the Dailidecisions
with an S dot Com Forward s lish Inspire, you
can join my Positive Energy Club. It's complementary or free
and you can download I share its companion to six
Steps to Fewer Days that Sucks, but it works on
(43:35):
it's a standalone as well. It's a happiness worksheets. It's
motivational worksheets and feel good activities that you can do
to make yourself feel good. All kinds of ideas of
what you can do. So that's exactly where I live.
And if anyone wants to contact me, I'd be happy
(43:56):
to chat, and it would be my pleasure because I
want everybody to get on stock and be happier.
Speaker 3 (44:03):
Thank you so much. I really appreciate a debbor. That's great,
And folks, hey, I hope this has been meaningful for you,
and I hope you've picked up a couple of tidbits
here that will motivate you if you're in that situation
of not experiencing happiness enjoying your life, you know, get
to your website and get to Debor's website and kind
of see what's going on, read that book which will
(44:23):
be on Amazon, I assume, and really see what you
can do about changing your life. So anyway, appreciate you
joining us and look forward to having you join us
again soon. This is doctor Doug saying, I'm Mistae
This program is designed to provide general information with regards
to the subject matters covered. This information is given with
the understanding that neither the hosts, guests, sponsors, or station
are engaged in rendering any specific and personal medical, financial,
legal counseling, professional service, or any advice. You should seek
(00:22):
the services of competent professionals before applying or trying any
suggested ideas.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
At the end of the day, it's not about what
you have or even what you've accomplished. It's about what
you've done with those accomplishments. It's about who you've lifted up,
who you've made better. It's about what you've given back.
Denzel Washington, Welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is
to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you
(00:51):
to do the same.
Speaker 3 (00:52):
Ebrah, Welcome to the show.
Speaker 4 (00:54):
Thank you, doctor Doug. It's a pleasure to be here
inspire your audience alongside you.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
I'm looking forward to so let the audience know. Where
do you live.
Speaker 4 (01:03):
I live in Manhattan, New York, in the middle of
the hustle and bustle, and I was born and bred here.
Speaker 3 (01:10):
Okay, good for you, good for you. I lived I
grew up in Chicago and it was like, you know,
I was ready to get out of there after a
number number of years. So look good for you. So
here's what I love for you to do. You know,
I find that there's always a journey that people have
taken to reach the point that they're at, and I'd
love for you to share your journey and what brought
(01:32):
you to this point where you've written your book and
where you're doing.
Speaker 4 (01:36):
What you're doing absolutely well. As I mentioned, I grew
up in Manhattan, New York, and my parents were creatives.
They were both fashion designers, so I did grow up
with a lot of creativity. But at about ten years old,
I started to become an overachiever and that has lasted
(01:58):
and I'm working. I've worked on it, and that was
the reason for my book, because that overachiever, pushing ourselves
to exhaustion and then allowing the negativity to cloud our
minds can really do a number on how you feel
and enjoying life, making life meaningful and having fun. It's
(02:19):
not all about work. Works important, Yes, I mean it
fees our soul to a degree, but we get to
the end and what did we achieve? So I really
on a New York City subway platform. The tears came
down my eyes and I said down my cheeks, and
I said to myself, I have to change, something has
(02:42):
to change. This is not what life is about. This
is not meaningful living, and I'm just being a robot
going with the flow. I was working at an iconic brand,
a big pharmaceutical company, and I was number one. I
made myself get to number one before that when I
was in design years before that, I had to be
(03:02):
the best. Also, it's always been a cycle. So I
really worked to stop the negativity, to have more positivity
in my life, to be able to enjoy. And I
did a lot of research and I started to write
which was called The Daily Decisions, which is my website,
my brand. But I started to write what is now
(03:22):
six Steps to Fewer Days. That sucked. It was really
only for me. Is my guidebook to help me find
a happier life. Can be happy every second, and I
want to be clear about that. But we can be
happier and we can enjoy our lives, and we can
get rid of the negativity and the circular thinking and
the fear and all the stuff that bombards us it's
(03:45):
part of life. So I started to write that and
it changed my life. And I don't worry anymore, and
I'm basically always positive and I let things slip off
and slide down my back. So slide off my back,
I should say, because it's truly we are truly capable
(04:08):
of doing that, but we have to make the decision,
the commitment to actually go ahead and do it. And
so that's it in a nutshell. And I just want
to let people know that they can change the trajectory
of their lives. Even if they believe they can't, they can.
Speaker 3 (04:29):
Okay, So you've talked about a lot of things real quick,
So let's first of all talk about your book Six Steps.
I'm going to say this slowly because you said it fast,
Six steps to fewer days. That suck, all right, So okay,
and you talk about that, You talk about the fact
that you know, yeah, we go through, You talk about
(04:50):
circular thinking, you talk about negativity. So I want to
get into each of these areas a little bit. Okay, Okay,
you know, one of the things that struck me is
I was, you know, looking at what some things we
might chat about, was this concept of negativity and It's interesting.
I have a colleague, an acquaintance I interviewed on my
(05:12):
show years ago when I was doing business tips and trends,
and we're friends on Facebook, and all of a sudden
with and I don't want to get political here, but
all of a sudden, with the politics that have occurred,
with the voting and the changing that's going on, all
of a sudden, I'm seeing post after post of negativity,
(05:32):
and quite frankly, one of them, you know, was it
was just like, okay, so what I did, which is,
you know, I don't know, that's just me. I thought,
you know what, I'm going to write just the opposite
of this, So you know, I'm not a great writer.
But I went on to chat GPT and I said, okay,
here's the article. I want you to write the positive
(05:53):
of this rather than the negative. And so that happened,
and I went in and edited, added a few more things,
put it back on the website in Facebook actually, and
oh my goodness, I got nailed so many times by
people that we're following and so forth, and I thought
to myself, why is it? And now I just continually
see the negativity, the negativity, the negativity. Why is it
(06:17):
that people get stuck in negativity? Based on your experience?
What is it?
Speaker 4 (06:22):
Honestly, because it goes back to early humans or we
could say the caveman. How our brains tend to focus
on remember negative information, negative events over positive. It's called
negativity bias. And I know you know about it, and honestly,
(06:43):
that is the reason. But if we want to, we
can reframe our thoughts, reshape our perspective, because it's all
how we want to look at things. You want to
look at things as being horrible and disgusting and what
because I you know, I hear their political stuff too,
and we really can go down that rabbit hole. And
(07:07):
then what happens is because our brains seek patterns, we
create these negative patterns which continue with us as opposed
to focusing on, like you did and I would do,
is the positive side of all those things, And that
is what happens. It's just mind buggling to me that
(07:31):
people would want to live in such negativity because they're
not happy.
Speaker 3 (07:37):
As you say, it is kind of an inclination. I
hadn't thought of that, but you know, we think more
of negative rather, it's easier to think of negative than positive,
but in your experience, when someone is stuck in negativity,
what does that do to their help?
Speaker 4 (07:54):
So interesting because actually I just wrote an article that's
going to be in Eyepain online magazine, and it's all
about how negativity can get you sick because these negative
emotions are actually linked to certain diseases like gastro and
(08:15):
geological problems, degenerative brain problems, cardiovascular issues. It really is.
It can actually because it raises the cortisol. These negative emotions,
especially when it's severe like what your experience online, it
can actually have such a damaging effect that it's even
(08:37):
linked possibly with Alzheimer's and affecting the mental the cognitive decline.
It can affect our health being able to actually heal
ourselves from any disease or something might or problem might
take longer or be difficult to do because we've the
(08:58):
court is all swimming around and it just doesn't help us.
And it's scary. That was one of my wake up
calls doctor Doug, because I said, you know what, I
could kill myself if I want to, not literally kill myself,
but through all of this, because the negativity really can
make us sick, and people don't realize, I think what's
(09:22):
happening to them. You know, we can do these things
to ourselves, just like anything anything negative, we do it
to ourselves. It's just so interesting how that happens. And
those people like you and I, we want to stop that.
We want to live a happier life, so we seek
out those positive patterns to be able to counter the negativity.
(09:45):
And so that's such a shame. And I wish that
people would have a wake up call. And you would
also comment on when you talk about regarding negativity and
how it can literally make us sick.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
Yeah, well, and you know when we talk about that,
excuse me, how do you help people or how do
we help people? Or how does anyone if someone, for instance,
you know someone that's listening to the show right now,
and they have friends or they have family members that
are just constantly negative and ideally the people that are
(10:20):
listening tend to be more positive and want to think
that way, how do they help someone or how does
the individual that is always thinking negative make a change
to start being more positive in what they're doing and
what they're thinking.
Speaker 4 (10:36):
And the truth of the matter is, unless somebody wants
to change as much as you could talk till you're
blue in the face if they don't want to change.
We can't control what other people do. We can control
our thoughts, emotions, actions, reactions, but controlling other people, or
(10:57):
not controlling, but trying to help other people becomes difficult
unless they want to help themselves. Yes, you could talk
about this the way we you and I are talking
about it and hope hopefully something will spark and they
will maybe come to a conclusion themselves. But that's what
I find and listen with people I coach and all
unless somebody wants to change. And that's why I work.
(11:21):
When I work with people, I actually am like an
accountability partner, a mentor somebody that's there to actually be
a mirror more than anything else, because sometimes when we're
so close to ourselves, we don't see what's actually happening,
what we're doing to ourselves, and it is helpful to
(11:44):
actually seek out somebody, whether it's a therapist or just
somebody like me or you as a doctor and with
all your certificates and degrees and everything, to be able
to lay it out in a rational way and then
walk them through it and hold their hand almost be
a cheerleader. Because then making those positive patterns when you
(12:08):
start to feel good, when you feel better, then the
cycle starts that you can actually make that change because
when you feel good, you do better and you recognize it.
But till then, I.
Speaker 3 (12:22):
Don't know well, and you know when you think about that.
And one of the things that I recognize years ago
was and was taught in one of my studies, was
that you know, and there's some quotes out there that
talk about, you know, you are the equal of the
six people or the five people that you surround yourself with. Yes,
(12:43):
but when someone actually gets to that point where they go,
you know what, I want to change this negativity? What
do they need to look at about who they're surrounding
themselves with?
Speaker 4 (12:52):
And that's very true too. I always talk about one
of the things that is so important is to surround
yourself with a supportive community, a positive force in your
life where it's a give and take and each of
you lifts each other up. It's a positive positive as
opposed to negative where you have the jealousy and you
(13:15):
have all those other negative emotions that arise, and it's
it is so important to get rid of the toxic
people in your lives, and it's not mean or nasty
to do that. It's actually going to help you because unfortunately,
what happens when you surround yourself with negativity or people
that are negative, it tends to compound. If you're feeling
(13:39):
that way and then they're feeling that way, and then
there's no way out. You go down that rabbit hole.
Hold together, and.
Speaker 3 (13:45):
It goes on and on and on and on.
Speaker 4 (13:48):
You're right.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
So one of the other words you use initially is
you were introducing and kind of telling your journey is
circular thinking. And that was another thing that you know,
I've not heard of that terminology put that way before.
I'd love for you to kind of share what what
does that mean circular thinking and how does that affect
people to have days that suck?
Speaker 4 (14:12):
Really well, let me start with this this once its statistic,
and then we'll go into circular thinking. You know, I
read a study that ninety one percent of what we
worry about and you probably see it too. You know
it's all online is never happens. So that means nine
percent of what we worry about happens. So the circular
(14:35):
thinking is we get caught in a loop and whatever
our thought is it doesn't leave. I'm talking about negative
thoughts or fear, worry, just stress and anxiety and just
letting it circle in your brain and never stop. And
that just weaks havoc. And it's changing the narrative, right,
(15:00):
reshaping our thoughts to enhance our story, not make it worse.
And honestly, if you don't get out of that, life
will never be happier. And like I said, I don't
want to say that it's going to be happy every day.
We have stuff in our lives. Life is messy and
(15:21):
people die and things happen, Terrible things happen, wonderful things happen.
But it's being able to learn to be resilient. I
think two of the most important things we can do
for ourselves is to build our confidence and our resilience
because then we feel better about ourselves and we're able
(15:43):
to get through more easily. I don't say it's easy,
but get through the tougher times. So being able to
do that and not circular think and get yourself out
of that frame of mind and develop a more positive outlook.
And some people say, oh, you can't do that, but
(16:04):
honestly you can. And people I work with and myself.
I improve, and I'm sure you are too that if
you want to lean more positive, you absolutely can. And
I don't worry what other people think anymore. I don't
worry about judgment. I don't worry about failure. I rename
the word failure. I call it education and growth, because
(16:28):
how else do you learn? How else do you get better?
It's the same with positivity and confidence. How else do
you improve your life unless you try different things and
see what the results are and work towards improving our life.
Life is so short, and as I say, short to
(16:50):
be grumpy.
Speaker 3 (16:51):
It's so fascinating social media. I have found, for instance,
that you know, a couple of things came up. I thought, okay,
I'm curious, I'll look it, you know, look at this,
And all of a sudden I keep getting posts, all
these negative posts, negative posts, negative posts, and I finally
have had to just start deleting them and saying I
don't want these anymore. But the reality is is that
(17:13):
we tend ai, you know, and everything that goes on
in social media tends to reinforce that which we watch
and look at. And so if we're if we find
ourselves in that negative mindset, and we're constantly looking at
that stuff, it will continue and reinforce and reinforce, and
so in order to get out of that circular thinking
(17:36):
that that's not easy, and I think that goes to
this whole concept of mindset. But before we go there,
I want to go to your book. All right, you
talk about six steps, and we may have been already
talking about some of those, but I'd love for you
to go through, step by step. What are the steps
you talk about in your book to have fewer days
that suck?
Speaker 4 (17:56):
And as you know, my book is not a chapter book,
so it's not talking at you. It's not graphs and charts.
It's actually one big warm hug. That's a pep talk.
To break it down simply, I have double pages on
various topics within the steps, like walk away from negativity
or no more Excuses or happiness is a choice of
(18:19):
many about procrastination, many different things that everybody struggles with.
You know, we all face rejection. It's true. I google that,
it's really true. Anyhow, I start with the decision, and
that's why my brand is the Daily Decisions, because it's
(18:39):
our choice how we want to live our lives. I mean,
can we make everything the way we want it? Know,
but we can shape it. And that's the nice thing.
We can shape our future by choices that we make,
by decisions that we make. So I go through that
in the double pages, and at the end of each
(19:02):
double page, I mean at the end of each of
the eight double pages in a step, I have a summary,
I have the tips, and then I have a line page.
Because in each of the of the double pages there's questions.
Because I did this for myself, I ask questions. First,
I make a commitment, then I ask questions. There's solutions
(19:24):
and ways to look at things, an activity, a mantra
you can say, and visuals and I also have a
picture of this or did you know about different people
that have accomplished whatever that topic on the double page is,
and then three tips to finish it off. So the
(19:45):
first is the decision and then comes ditch bad habits. Okay?
Is that easy?
Speaker 3 (19:52):
No?
Speaker 4 (19:52):
But consciously doing small steps every day and creating those
positive patterns that sick stick because our brains seek patterns
really makes a difference. And learning how to just block
out the noise, like you were saying on social media,
there's so much negative noise or just things that we
(20:15):
that are not going to enhance our lives. And I
look for things in my life that are going to
enhance my life, that's going to make it better, that's
going to make it more enjoyable, because why would I
be miserable? Why would anybody want to be miserable? I
don't know so, but I understand because I was there,
so I do understand what happens. So after ditchband habits
(20:40):
comes the mindset. Like you said, it's the mindset. You
have to make the decision to change your mindset, how
you think your perspective in that. And then after that
comes the action taking action. You know, how we react
to things. We can react positively or negatively. I share
a little story about how I almost lost a job
(21:01):
because I got so angry, and I've learned not to
lash out anymore and to control it and to center
and to breathe and to do various things. And then
after that is the attitude, because that's different than mindset.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
You know.
Speaker 4 (21:16):
It's like somebody said to me when in one of
my travels, that the secret to life is a positive attitude.
And I really believe that, I really do because I
know how much better I feel when I feel positive
than when I feel negative. So I do believe that.
And then the last step is the commitment. You start
with the decision. And then even though I have the
(21:37):
commitment all through it, at the beginning of each of
the double pages, still we have to make a final commitment,
commitment to ourselves that we are going to work towards
making our lives more enjoyable, to enjoy more and worry
less and make life easier, because honestly, why not.
Speaker 3 (22:00):
And it fascinates me how people get stuck You mentioned anger.
People get stuck in anger, see, people get stuck in fear.
I look at you know a couple of the different
models of emotional levels, uh, and and there are a
couple of them out there that I enjoy. But you
know how people can tend to be below zero where
(22:20):
you have the frustration, you have, the anger, you have,
the fear, you have, all of those, even all the
way down to victim and and and here people tend
to get stuck in that and when they when they
have something happen, uh and the event that happens. And
quite frankly, and I love the saying that I've heard before,
(22:41):
and I believe it's to be true. The event does
not have any emotion attached to it. We attach an emotion,
and so when we have an event occur, and ideally
it's we've you know, a positive emotion. But when something
happens and we find yourselves getting angry, fearful, whatever, that
happens to be, the question is how do we number one,
(23:02):
recognize that, be aware that that's what's going on, and
how do we change that? And I think that's where
we get into this whole concept of mindset, the fact
that we've got to be able and I've had a
couple of people say this, and I love the analogy.
We've got to be able to step outside of ourselves
for a minute, kind of be that third party that's
just walking alongside by side in a different dimension, so
(23:24):
to speak. But as we observe those emotions come up,
being able to talk to ourselves and say, okay, anger, fear, frustration,
that is not healthy and that is certainly not applying
to your joy and happiness and all of that. So
how on earth and why is that coming up? And
(23:45):
I think where the mindset comes in is you start
to really be curious enough that you look at that
and try to figure out why does that happening. Oftentimes, yes,
it has to do with imprints from childhood, maybe even
DNA that we don't really understand so much, but being
a memory from pastor yeah, from ancestors, whatever that happens
(24:07):
to be, and being able to develop a mindset that says,
you know what, each time I see that emotion come up,
I don't have to experience it anymore. I might experience it,
but I don't have to express it. And the minute
we start moving in that direction, as you have talked
about a little bit about the neural pathways, all of
(24:27):
a sudden we start to change the neurological pathways in
our brains and we start to experience that change. And
you're right, it does not happen overnight, but ultimately, if
someone's really focused on that, they can change.
Speaker 4 (24:41):
Yeah, and it can happen relatively quickly, honestly, because what
I've noticed is we feel so much better, and then
being able to recreate how much better we feel, we
tend to then go towards the more positive patterns, because honestly,
(25:04):
I don't think anyone really wants to be that unhappy.
I mean, everybody talks about happiness. Happiness is a choice
in all of that, and I really believe it. I
believe that we can make that change if we want to,
and I just hope that more people do, because my
heart goes out to people because what happens is we're
(25:25):
stuck in negative emotions. And when you're feeling stuck and
you feel like you're going in circles and nothing's changing,
it just becomes harder to make that change because you're
stuck in a loop. And you got to what you said,
you have to exit that loop and how you do it,
And I believe what you said walking side by side
(25:47):
with with yourself. I think it's all about reflecting and
then realizing how you're going to react, and not to
react in an adverse way because it's not going to help.
And then what happens again that becomes circular too. You
feel horrible. Many of us, I don't want to say everybody,
(26:10):
but many of us then feel we need to apologize,
and it becomes and then people don't believe us anymore
because it's hollow. Apologies are hollow after you do it
over and over again and you hurt those people you
love and it just makes us feel worse. And then
it continues and it continues, and I think what happens
(26:31):
is when children grow up with that, it just becomes
a pattern for them too. That's what they're used to.
You don't know anything else. So being conscious of how
you're parenting too is a really important thing to think about.
And one of the reasons that people should really change
because you love your children so much that why would
(26:53):
you want to put that negativity and all of that
angst on them rather than working to make them confident,
to make them resilient, to make them look forward. And
that's one of the things I'm working towards is actually
I'm developing a curriculum because what my overarching goal to
pay it forward more than anything else, is to help
(27:16):
children and teens develop confidence and resilience because then I
believe that they will be kinder adults. And when people
are negative, they don't love themselves, they don't like themselves,
they're not being kind to themselves. How can they be
kind to someone else? And that's what I talk about too,
and we can talk about it if you like. Is
(27:37):
self care and self care isn't just taking a bubble with.
It's more about how we treat ourselves. I like to say,
personally consider it to ourselves, not rude to ourselves.
Speaker 3 (27:49):
Well, and you know you talk about you talk about
some specific steps and one that I enjoyed that I
was reading that you talk about is controlling your anger
and actual steps. And I don't know how to do this,
but it sounds like interesting. I want you to explain.
You know, you turn scream into smiles.
Speaker 1 (28:06):
Uh.
Speaker 3 (28:06):
You know, you you find these emotions and as these
emotions come up, you just turn them around one hundred
and eighty degrees, so anger into kindness, uh, you know,
frustration into experience, all of those types of things. How
what are some of the things that people can do
that you as you're working with people as a coach,
(28:27):
what what do you suggest that they do from an
actual activity, for instance, how do they turn a scream
into a smile?
Speaker 4 (28:35):
And that's that's really interesting, but it starts with, honestly,
what we said, This doesn't happen overnight. And I want
to just backtrack because you're not going to wake up
more morning and say, Okay, I'm going to turn my
scream into a smile or I mean we're turn my
frustration into just being more calm. The thing is, we
(28:57):
have to give ourselves permission, and that's where the self
care comes in. We have to give ourselves permission to
be kind to ourselves. That's the first thing. When we're
kind to ourselves, we take a step back before reacting,
whether you want to count to ten, whether you want
a deep breathe, because that really does help to center
(29:19):
you to not react right away, to reflect and take
a step back. Because what happens is with anger, frustration, anxiety,
we tend to just react, fly off the handle that way.
And what it is is we need to really stop
ourselves from doing that. Once we do, and we create
(29:43):
those patterns where we don't let it infiltrate how we
feel or let it into our brains. We just stop it.
We distract. One way I like to do it is
I really like to distract when a negative thought or
an anger or whatever happens, I like to do something else.
And I know when you're in the moment, you're not
(30:05):
necessarily going to do that, but over time, practicing stepping
away from the anger. Sometimes that's difficult to do, but
we find ways that we can and that's the way
we can help ourselves to turn the screams into smiles,
to turn more frustration into calm, to calm our stressors,
(30:29):
to be able to just relax ourselves as opposed to
heightening the anger, the frustration, the stress, the anxiety, because
that's what we do. Once you start in the circle again,
it's circular. Everything circular. It just continues as opposed to
stepping back, reflecting and not going there. And it's not easy,
(30:50):
but it's definitely doable. It definitely is. If you want
to do it, you can.
Speaker 3 (30:56):
Well, you know what I find interesting. Obviously, I'm here
in Thailand, and I found it very fascinating to study
Buddhism because that is ninety five to ninety eight percent
of what people is their cultural background. Also starting to
look at Hinduism and particularly the Vedic yoga, which is
(31:17):
more of a philosophy than just the physical stuff, and
I'm seeing the pattern there of these philosophies and I
don't call them religions, I call them philosophies. That really
the whole point is to get to the point where
you are doing exactly what you're talking about. You're getting
to the point where you're freeing yourself from that suffering,
(31:39):
from that frustration, from all those type of things. You're
actually finding yourself kinder. You're understanding that you within yourself
has have that magnificent light, that divinity within yourself, and
the whole goal of life in some cases is to
take away and peel away those onion layers that just
(32:00):
mortality gives to us and start to discover and become
that inner light that exists within each one of us.
What have you found? Of course, then they get into
meditation and all of these types of things. Yes, have
you found that as you're working with people that there
is a philosophy that you like to talk about And
(32:24):
you may not identify it per se, but you find
that there's actually a philosophy that if they will follow
and learn and understand and become that they start to
find that they have better days, better days, better days.
Speaker 4 (32:40):
And I don't necessarily call it a philosophy, but I
do enjoy the study and Buddhism and that kind of
because it is all about the calm and being kind
and that inner peace and intercom and it's just so
important to do that. And what what it is I
(33:02):
always talk about? I don't call it necessarily a philosophy,
but maybe I will. Is just more about why wouldn't
you want to enjoy your life? And write down why
you wouldn't, And there's really nobody can really write down
a lot of things why they wouldn't. So once you
do that, then what are the things you need to
(33:24):
do to change that? And we work through that because
that's ultimately my goal is to for myself, for everybody,
is to just enjoy life more, not to be hard
on yourself, to be self kind and just find ways
to enjoy. Yes, we're going to have suffering, as you said,
(33:44):
and yes things will happen that could even be horrific,
but we could either stay stuck in it. And I'm
not being insensitive. I'm just saying we can stay stuck
in it, or we can work through it and come
out into the light, as you said, And that's exactly
what I share, because it's all about why wouldn't you
(34:07):
want to be happier? And like I said, happy, I
try not to do that. I just just happy er
because if you're all the way down there, like you said,
zero below zero, whatever, why wouldn't you want to bring
yourself up? Because Honestly, you get to the end of
your life and you say to yourself, what didn't I do?
(34:28):
What could I have done? And why did I complicate
things so much? You listen to people who are on
their deathbed and they say, why did I make it
so difficult? We're all making it too difficult for ourselves.
Not that we don't have to struggle or work and
make money and keep a roof over our head and
all those things, but we can find ways to enjoy.
(34:49):
I mean, there are people who have very little money
and they're just happy. Well it's a choice, and yes,
maybe it's a little genetic, I you know, but.
Speaker 3 (34:58):
Still it amazes me here to see people that are
maybe maybe living off of three or four hundred dollars
a month, right, that's it. And yet and I see
how they kind of compensate with drinking and that type
of thing, but many are not doing that, and yet
(35:20):
they're happy. You know, I walk up to someone that
I've never met and it's just HI, how are you?
In their language? But you know, it's so interesting to
see these people that just tend to be happy, even
though if they lived in America in the way that
they're living here, they would be considered homeless, but here
they're just part of a village. They're part of a community.
(35:42):
And that's just how it is. And it's interesting that,
you know, the mindset can create our experience and if
we can get to the point where we don't have
that ego, and you know, that's a whole other topic,
but if we can get to the point where we
start to literally experience happiness, as you say, and those
(36:04):
type of things that we can enjoy life regardless of
what comes our way.
Speaker 4 (36:11):
It's really true. Not that you're not going to have
a day or a few days that you're sad, and
that's totally what happens. Yeah, and that's okay, right, right,
it's okay, it's rising. Well, it's actually pushing yourself through
that to be able to experience happier days because you
(36:32):
could stay miserable or not. I mean, people die, we lose,
we lose family, other bad things happen. But again, just
like stay staying in a negative mindset, we have a choice.
We can sink into the quicksand or we can rise
and see the and join the light. And that's what
I choose to do. I want I share with others
(36:55):
to do that, and I'm very compassionate because that's really
what it's about you. You will have difficult times, but
more times will be happy or happier if you allow
it to be that way.
Speaker 3 (37:10):
So you have any stories of clients you work with
that you don't have to use names, But does anything
come to mind as far as the story of someone
that you started working with that literally did go from
that anger, that fear, and so forth into a life
where they're starting to enjoy. Could you share one of those?
Speaker 4 (37:27):
Yeah? Absolutely. It started with actually making a decision to change.
I mean, this person read my story and it resonated
a lot of the people. They read my story and
what I went through, and it resonates because what I'm
sharing out there is not put on, it's not fake,
(37:49):
it's not all smiles and all of that. But I'm
truly centered in myself. And so what we did is
we work through everything that I went through, through my book,
through worksheets that I share, and it really really worked
because the person wanted to make that change. And it's
(38:14):
just being able to balance work, balance family, balance all
and you can't perfectly balance everything, but you can strive
for more harmony and balance in our lives and be
able to say no to things, because that's really important too.
Some people are people pleasers, some people like this person.
(38:35):
Some people take on too much and don't know how
to say no, and it wreaks havoc. And then that's
when the frustration and the anger and the overwhelm happens,
because how do you deal with all of this and
you have your family and it becomes overwhelming, and so
being able to say no, to stop with the people pleasing,
(38:58):
and to just be themselves, don't judge themselves, don't judge
other people, just let that judgment go and slowly but
surely recognizing it and making these patterns a whole new
person because this person wanted to do it. And that's
honestly what it comes down to. It. It's simpler than
(39:22):
it sounds. It's simpler than we think it would be
because we're so caught up in the negative mindset or
other things going on in our minds that we can't
separate ourselves and we need to. What you said is
walk us alongside ourselves and actually see what's going on.
But that's where it's helpful to have an accountability partner
(39:43):
or a mentor or a confidant or somebody that can
actually be honest with you and say, this is what
you're doing, and you need to stop it by doing
these things. And that's how it works. It doesn't take forever,
and it takes work.
Speaker 3 (40:00):
It takes work. And I appreciate you saying that because
you know, as I look, as I look at that
is like you know, as I look at my own life,
oh my goodness, the studying, the working, the meditation, all
of the stuff that I'm still doing and still doing.
But it's work, but it's worth it because and I
(40:22):
think that's the key for people is to understand that,
you know what, you are going to have to work.
You're going to have to work at this. You're going
to have to look at it and analyze it, be
humble enough to accept what's going on, and being courageous
enough to be willing to say, all right, I will
make that change. And as you do that, recognizing that
it's work. As you do that, all of a sudden,
(40:45):
you start to see the light at the end of
the tunnel. And you know, every once in a while,
you know, the light goes away for a bit, but
you always get back to that light, because that's the
mental attitude that you've developed. So as we close, and
you've said so many wonderful things, but I would love
for you again to take just whatever has come to
(41:07):
your mind. What would be a message that you'd ultimately
like to leave with the audience today?
Speaker 4 (41:14):
And you just said something about courage, and I believe
that partnering your confidence, your courage, building the resilience to
be able to bounce back and to know that things
will be okay. Having that in your mind because you
see it over time. Having that perspective is what I
(41:36):
think is so important for people to cultivate and to
trust themselves, because so many times I see that people
don't trust themselves. The fear and the worry and all
the negative emotions take over. And honestly, if we want
to go inside, we really can trust ourselves, whether we
(41:58):
lead on our instincts or into wish And I don't
say that's always going to work, but it definitely take
a pause and trust yourself, give yourself a really big hug,
Be kind to yourselves, as I say, personally considerate, treat
yourself the way you would like others to treat you,
(42:18):
and then work on your confidence, your resilience, your courage,
your positive mindset and just look forward to every day,
say a positive affirmation and all like kind of say
hug yourself.
Speaker 3 (42:33):
Great, great Deborah, thank you so much. This has been
a great conversation and I appreciate your insights.
Speaker 4 (42:40):
Thank you. I appreciate yours.
Speaker 3 (42:42):
So let me ask you again, and I guess renew
with the audience. The name of your book number one?
And then two, how do people find you? What's your website?
Speaker 4 (42:50):
So the name of the book is six Steps to
Fewer Days that Suck, Ditch unhealthy habits and zip happier
You because there's a big zipper times Zippy and unleash
the sunshine. And my website is the Daily Decisions with
an s dot Com because we need to make these
(43:13):
daily decisions to change our lives, to change the trajectory
of our lives. And if you go to the Dailidecisions
with an S dot Com Forward s lish Inspire, you
can join my Positive Energy Club. It's complementary or free
and you can download I share its companion to six
Steps to Fewer Days that Sucks, but it works on
(43:35):
it's a standalone as well. It's a happiness worksheets. It's
motivational worksheets and feel good activities that you can do
to make yourself feel good. All kinds of ideas of
what you can do. So that's exactly where I live.
And if anyone wants to contact me, I'd be happy
(43:56):
to chat, and it would be my pleasure because I
want everybody to get on stock and be happier.
Speaker 3 (44:03):
Thank you so much. I really appreciate a debbor. That's great,
And folks, hey, I hope this has been meaningful for you,
and I hope you've picked up a couple of tidbits
here that will motivate you if you're in that situation
of not experiencing happiness enjoying your life, you know, get
to your website and get to Debor's website and kind
of see what's going on, read that book which will
(44:23):
be on Amazon, I assume, and really see what you
can do about changing your life. So anyway, appreciate you
joining us and look forward to having you join us
again soon. This is doctor Doug saying, I'm Mistae
Popular Podcasts
CrimeLess: Hillbilly Heist
It’s 1996 in rural North Carolina, and an oddball crew makes history when they pull off America’s third largest cash heist. But it’s all downhill from there. Join host Johnny Knoxville as he unspools a wild and woolly tale about a group of regular ‘ol folks who risked it all for a chance at a better life. CrimeLess: Hillbilly Heist answers the question: what would you do with 17.3 million dollars? The answer includes diamond rings, mansions, velvet Elvis paintings, plus a run for the border, murder-for-hire-plots, and FBI busts.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.