June 26, 2025 • 34 mins
Anger isn’t something to fear or suppress, it’s a powerful signal that, when
understood and handled consciously, can lead to deeper healing, stronger
boundaries, and more authentic relationships.
In this episode of Inspired & Empowered Living for a Thriving Business &
Life, discover how to navigate both your own anger and others’ with
confidence, clarity, and compassion.
The Inspired and Empowered Living Radio Show is broadcast live Thursdays at 5PM ET on W4WN Radio - Women 4 Women Network (www.w4wn.com) part of Talk 4 Radio (www.talk4radio.com) on the Talk 4 Media Network (www.talk4media.com). The Inspired and Empowered Living Radio Show TV Show is viewed on Talk 4 TV (www.talk4tv.com).
The Inspired and Empowered Living Radio Show Podcast is also available on Talk 4 Media (www.talk4media.com), Talk 4 Podcasting (www.talk4podcasting.com), iHeartRadio, Amazon Music, Pandora, Spotify, Audible, and over 100 other podcast outlets.
understood and handled consciously, can lead to deeper healing, stronger
boundaries, and more authentic relationships.
In this episode of Inspired & Empowered Living for a Thriving Business &
Life, discover how to navigate both your own anger and others’ with
confidence, clarity, and compassion.
The Inspired and Empowered Living Radio Show is broadcast live Thursdays at 5PM ET on W4WN Radio - Women 4 Women Network (www.w4wn.com) part of Talk 4 Radio (www.talk4radio.com) on the Talk 4 Media Network (www.talk4media.com). The Inspired and Empowered Living Radio Show TV Show is viewed on Talk 4 TV (www.talk4tv.com).
The Inspired and Empowered Living Radio Show Podcast is also available on Talk 4 Media (www.talk4media.com), Talk 4 Podcasting (www.talk4podcasting.com), iHeartRadio, Amazon Music, Pandora, Spotify, Audible, and over 100 other podcast outlets.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Any health related information on the following show provides general
information only. Content presented on any show by any host
or guest should not be substituted for a doctor's advice.
Always consult your physician before beginning any new diet, exercise,
or treatment program.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Hello everyone, and welcome to the Inspired and Empowered Living
TV show and podcast. We are live Thursdays at five
pastern on talkfortv dot com, W four WN dot com
and my YouTube channel, and today we are talking about
(01:11):
empowered ways to deal with yours and others anger. Anger
isn't something to fear or suppress. It's a powerful signal that,
when understood and handled consciously, can lead to deeper healing,
stronger boundaries, and more authentic relationships to During the show,
(01:37):
you will learn more how to navigate yours and others
anger so that you can create confidence, clarity, and compassion
in your life and in your relationships. We'll talk more
about how to decode the deeper meaning behind and message
behind anger, grounding ways to stay when emotions run high,
(02:02):
and empowered communication strategies to de escalate conflict. And we'll
also talk about reactive versus responsive behavior and why it
mattered so and this episode is not a replacement for
therapy or counseling. It is for educational purposes only. I'm
(02:26):
your host, Nancy Deutsch, licensed clinical social worker, certified hypnotherapist,
and intuitive business expert. I can bind my counseling, coaching,
and intuitive abilities to transform your life. And what I
want to support all of you in knowing is that
(02:47):
anger has it can be this amazing emotion that can
inspire you, empower you when you channel it in a
healthy way. However, most of us grew up in families
(03:07):
where anger was destructive, and we're going to talk more
about what is constructive anger, what is destructive anger. So
that's also part of what we're going to be talking
about as well throughout this episode and perhaps other episodes
in the future. What I wanted, what I realized and
(03:27):
I really wanted to talk more specifically about anger is
we were talking about emotional intelligence and emotional regulation in
past episodes, and one of the biggest emotions that really
needs that ability to learn how to control and control
(03:54):
your reactions and be able to learn how to calm
yourself down when you have reacted. So the first thing,
since I'm talking about reaction, let me talk a little
bit more about that, And of course you know I
(04:14):
always love your questions, So anybody who wants to ask
any questions as I'm talking about these things, please feel free.
So the first thing that I want to share with
you is an explanation, and I call it my psych
one oh one lesson. So you have your conscious mind,
and your conscious mind is the part of you that
(04:38):
makes the decision. So when we're talking about reactive anger
versus responsive or healthy versus destructive, reactive anger is unhealthy
and can lead can be very destructive, whereas responsive, being
(05:00):
in response is you're be able to respond and it
can be very constructive. And with your conscious mind, your
conscious mind empowers you to make the decision to take
an action so that you can if you find your reacting,
(05:21):
if you find you've been triggered, which I also want most.
I want you all to know that it's common. It's
understandable if you get triggered, because we you're human and
we're all going to get triggered somehow, some way. So
it's learning to be able to become aware of the
(05:41):
triggers and then be able to do something about it,
which is your conscious mind making that decision. Now, your
subconscious mind is the part of you that reacts. So
when you feel triggered, when you feel like you feel like,
oh my god, you feel so angry, you or you
(06:02):
or you notice maybe you're not at the really angry
stage or even a rage stage, but you're noticing you're
getting a little annoyed, or you're getting frustrated, and all
of those emotions are derivatives of anger. And so that
reaction is coming from your subconscious mind. And your subconscious mind,
(06:27):
from the moment you will conceived to present time has
recorded every moment you've been alive, and that includes limiting
beliefs and emotion. So when you're in reaction and you
get triggered, and what I mean by triggered is you're
reacting to either a person, a situation, something that happened.
(06:53):
And so when you get triggered and you react, that's
coming from your subconscious mind. And then you have your
super conscious mind, which is the part of you that
is your higher self. It's the part of you your
higher aspects of self. So your higher self is the wise,
(07:14):
unconditionally loving part of you that actually can help you
get into emotional regulation and support you and your conscious
mind and your super conscious mind work together and work together,
and then you have your soul, that shining light of
who you are, and that is also part of your
(07:38):
super conscious mind. And you can also call upon your
angels or your guides or beings of light to support
you if you've gotten triggered or you're reacting. So all
of those possibilities that can happen when you're working with
these parts of yourself. Now, so what happens is when
(08:02):
let's talk about so, you have the reactive and you
have the response in so when you're in reaction, and
the other thing that I want to talk about that
I've talked about before, but let's talk about it again
is the fight flight and freeze reaction response. And what
(08:25):
happens is fight flight and freeze are basically your instinctive
subconscious coming from your subconscious, instinctive reactions that happen for you,
like get you get triggered like that. It's instinctive. It
happens automatically, and you can't control that. However, okay, this
(08:48):
is the big However, however, you can control once you've
become aware, oh I'm reacting, I'm triggered I'm feeling angry
or I'm feeling annoyed, or I'm feeling frustrated. Once you've
become aware of it, then that conscious mind has kicked
(09:10):
in and you can make a decision to do something
about it in a constructive way, because you don't want
to be reacting in destructive ways, because bottom line is
when and I'm always using the phrase, when you feel
a feeling and an emotion, especially anger, you don't want
(09:35):
to be hurting yourself like sabotaging behaviors, addictive behaviors, hurting
yourself in any way. And it's also a process of
learning when you're being when you're doing self destructive and behaviors,
and will be talking more about that at some point,
(09:59):
so it's really learning and understanding. And then and then
you want to make sure you're not hurting other people
when you react and there's destructive reaction. You do not
want to be hitting, hurting, doing anything that could hurt
someone else, And you don't want to be destroying property.
(10:23):
So that emotion and it's really important to be working
on being able to get a grip or be able
to calm yourself down when you've been in that reaction mode.
So and responding comes from your conscious mind and you're
(10:48):
super conscious and when you're responding, you're making that decision
what can I do to take care of myself or
what am I feeling? And then understand, now we talked
about anger and what anger is really telling you. Now,
anger is not a flaw, it's actually it's actually a signal.
(11:14):
So when you're having let's say the stress reaction response,
it's like I said, instinctual. So in order to survive
in our life in the world, even caveman days, because
we are like the animals, we have those instincts and
your instinct to go into aggression fight mode is to
(11:40):
protect yourself, to keep you safe. And so, however, what
happens is in our society in this day and age
is if you are in chronic mode, you may have
chronic stress, you may feel anger chronically, you may get
(12:02):
triggered really easily, and it's going to be learning how
to calm yourself down, to take care of yourself, to
get back into that emotional balance regulation. So think about
so what happens with anger is very often anger can
(12:25):
be a signal for unmet needs. So what do I
mean by that? What I mean is if you feel
and start thinking about perhaps times in your life. Let's
take a text example, and you text somebody, maybe you
text your partner, maybe you text your close friend, maybe
(12:49):
you text a business associate or client, and you don't
hear back from them, or you don't hear back from
them right away, or you don't hear back from them
on your terms, and you notice that you're starting to
get triggered, and you notice you're starting to get and
(13:10):
you start and then you can start thinking out of control,
why haven't they gotten back to me? Is it? You know?
Like what's wrong? Or why are they not doing this?
And you can start blaming, or you can start shaming,
or you get you can make yourself even more upset.
And so your need is to be heard, to be answered.
(13:35):
And if you have a need to be heard, to
be seen, to be loved, I mean all of that.
When you're not getting that need, bet you can go
into anger. So let me give you. Like I've talked
about Jenny and Jimmy. It's been a while, but we're
going to visit Jenny and Jimmy. So what would happen
(13:57):
with Jenny and Jimmy is Jenny would she would just
say something or do something, and Jimmy was what we
call a rager, and so what would happen is Jimmy
would start screaming and yelling at Jenny. Now that's destructive behavior,
(14:17):
that's not healthy anger. And destructive anger is any kind
of anger, hitting, yelling, screaming, reacting like that. And then
unhealthy anger is being able to become aware of the
(14:38):
reaction and then process it and then learn how to
communicate it in a healthy way. So what would happen
is Jenny would say or do something and it would
trigger Jimmy. In fact, Jimmy was triggered very often and
there was this energy between them. So Jimmy was reacting
(15:03):
from his subconscious mind and what was happening is Jenny
was triggering actually Jimmy's mother, because when Jimmy was growing up,
his mother was very controlling. She would go into ages,
and so she learned He learned that. He learned that behavior,
(15:27):
and very often, if you look in the generational lines,
there's usually very often, not all the time, but there's
usually someone who has anger issues and somebody in the
next generation can pick it up. Now, what might happen
for you is you may not have the anger issues,
(15:49):
but you may, like Jenny, you may end up marrying
a partner or getting into a friendship or a relationship
with the other person has anger issues. And so it's
because you've learned that pattern. This is all subconscious. It
wasn't like you figured it out and you whatever. It
(16:12):
was instinctive. And so those unmet needs. So what would
happen is Jimmy really wanted he wanted to be heard,
he wanted to be loved, he wanted to be understood.
But what was happening is the dynamic between them was
(16:34):
no matter what Jenny did, she wasn't going to be
able to satisfy him because Jimmy needed to learn how
to handle his anger. And when they came to me,
we worked. We worked together so that Jimmy learned to
handle anger management and Jenny learned how to you know,
(16:59):
what to do if the energy, the anger got out
of control, to take care of herself. So anger, and
this is distructive anger. But what happened is it was
a signal they knew they needed help. They finally went
(17:21):
for help and we started working together to help them
heal and process. So so and another unmet need that
you may have that could be trigger anger is feeling disrespected.
So if you have felt disrespected and all of a sudden,
(17:45):
you're like, this person is not respecting me. Now they
may or may not be aware of that, but you've
gotten triggered. So all this is all about understanding the signals,
all about tuning into the messages that may be happening
so that you can then do something about it. Then,
(18:07):
another way anger is a signal is boundaries. When you
are not clear in your boundaries, or you don't know
your boundaries, or you're not sure of your boundaries, it's
more likely people will cross your boundaries. And when your
boundaries are crossed, then you very often can become angry.
(18:34):
You can become irritated or upset. Maybe you don't even
realize what happened. But learning to understand, and that's part
of the journey, and learning to understand what's triggering me? Now,
what is this anger trying to tell me? What do
(18:56):
I need to learn from it? You can ask yourself
those question and when you do that, it can lead
you to realize that you were not saying no, or
you weren't really clear in your boundaries. So I'll give
you an example. Somebody I work with, I'll call her Selma.
(19:18):
So Selma was a giver, So such a giver, and
she was a giver, and what would happen is and everybody,
like all the people in her life knew she was
a giver and we see hello, whoever just said hello?
And we So she was a giver, and so people
(19:40):
would ask her, can you do this? Ask her for favors,
and Selma didn't say no. She was a people pleaser.
And what she started noticing is she started getting angry
and angrier, and she wasn't really sure why she was
getting so angry. And when her and I started talking
(20:01):
about I said, is this something that you really want
to do? Or do you feel obligated? Or are you
having a hard time saying no? And she started thinking
about it and she realized that she really didn't want
to do the favor, like sometimes it was okay and
sometimes it wasn't, but she needed to get in touch
(20:25):
when it was not okay and learn how to say no.
And so her anger was the signal for her that
if she said yes, if she felt angry or resentful,
it was really a null. If she felt like, Oh,
(20:45):
I really want to do this, this feels good, you know, because,
like I said, givers love to give. And she may
have wanted to do something, but it's not all the time.
And if it felt if it felt right and it
felt good, she would it would feel fine. So I
(21:06):
invite you to look at your anger and to look
at are you setting enough boundaries? And if you're getting
angry or resentful? Now, resentful is another form another derivative
of anger, resentful, bitterness, frustration. Like I said before, all
(21:26):
of these are derivatives. And then of course you know,
like there's a scale of getting a little annoyed, a
little irritated, and that increases. It depends how much you're
getting triggered and what the trigger is and if you
get an intense reaction, what that saying is that there
(21:50):
is something that really needs healing for you, and this
is an opportunity for you to be able to explore
and discover what is it that you need to heal. Now,
another way that anger comes in is if you feel
(22:10):
like you've been treated unfairly, or it may or you
see others being treated unfairly, and so you may feel
triggered and get angry, and so it's learning to be
able to be aware of that trigger. And here's the thing,
it's once you become aware that you've been triggered, then
(22:36):
you can do something about it. But if you don't,
if you're not aware, then you're not gonna be able
to do anything about it. So, and then what happens
with anger, I will tell you, is that it can
be a cover for other feelings. Like some people get
angry instead of feeling grief or sadness. Some people get
(23:00):
angry because they've really hurt and the hurt is underneath
the anger. It's easier to be angry than to feel
the hurt and so and underneath the anger it could
be fear. And so I invite you to ask, if
your anger had a voice, what would it say, and
(23:23):
what would it say? And is it protecting you in
some way? Because anger is a protection. Remember I talked
about the fight flight. It's one of the aggression is
one of the ways that we protected ourselves. However, now
(23:46):
it's learning to turn it around so that it's not
used in a destructive way. But you turn around the
anger and use it in a constructive way. And when
you do that, there is such power. You really feel empowered,
and it creates passion when you feel and because all
(24:11):
the emotions, like when you turn that anger into something
that is constructed, you can have passion and purpose around it.
I'll give you example. So one of the things that
very often a foundation can be created because the family
(24:38):
wanted to make a difference in let's say their loved one.
Maybe their loved one passed, maybe they were murdered, maybe
it was suicide, Maybe it was a mugging or hurting,
or you know something that happened, maybe it was a disease.
And so the person or the family can get feel
(25:02):
really angry and feel that injustice and feel unfair and
feel like there's all this charge around it. And what
they do is they turn that into a foundation, turn
it into a foundation to start helping other people that
(25:22):
had been hurt, maybe mugged, or other family members. Where
there is like I know of a charity where it's
growing and growing, and the person who started it her
son had an addiction problem and what happened was he
(25:47):
overdosed and she started this organization and now she's helping
other parents and families feel from the loss of their
loved ones. And so what I want you to know
is that anger is this powerful, amazing, empowering tool, but
(26:07):
it needs to be worked with and channeled in a
way so that you can have the benefit and the
constructive aspects rather than destructive. And I will also tell
you that when anger is used destructively, it can ruin relationships.
(26:29):
A lot of the people who are divorced or there's
a big different distance in relationships, whether it's a romantic
partner or a friendship, it's because anger was not expressed
in a healthy way. Sometimes, like with Jenny and Jimmy,
if they had not sought help, they probably would not
(26:50):
have survived their relationship. They probably would have gotten a divorce.
And so know that all of that and really be
part of the healing journey. And you really want to
make sure that you're handling your anger and what to
(27:12):
do for yourself when the other person in your life
is the angry person. But it all starts with you,
and it starts with you feeling safe, and it starts
with you taking care of yourself, and it starts with
what you need to do so that you have physical safety,
(27:32):
because if you're in any place where you are not safe,
then please go for help. Please be able to find
that physical safety. Now there's also the emotional safety. If
you're with someone or you have a relationship with someone,
whether it's a partner or even a friend, and there
(27:57):
you don't know when they're going to go off and
rage or or say or do things that would hurt you.
That's and not physically hurt you, but emotionally hurt then you,
that's not emotional safety. So bottom line is is you
want to make sure that you find your safety, that
(28:19):
you find a way to protect yourself, take care of yourself,
and set those boundaries. So and like I said, anger
carries energy and when you channel it in a healthy way,
it becomes that passion and power and purpose. So one
(28:41):
of the things that you can start asking yourself is
if you're not sure if you're doing destructive anger or
constructive anger, is asking yourself, am I trying to hurt
myself or some else? Or am I trying to heal?
(29:03):
Because remember anger is the signal, it's the tool that
can empower you to make the changes in your life.
Anger can be that empowering tool part of you, emotion
that gives you the energy too say no to the
(29:24):
person you need to say no to. It could be
leaving a relationship or a job, or leaving a relationship
or job and then starting your own business. And anger
could be that emotion that inspires you to take action
(29:46):
in a healthy way so that you are changing your
life and changing others. Because when you start dealing with
anger and healthy ways and you start changing you, everyone
else around you changing. You are the beginning of the change,
and that is really important for you to remember and
(30:13):
if and the other thing to ask yourself is there
something some kind of positive action? Like is there social
action or what kind of positive action? Can I do it?
With the anger? But we're going to talk more about them, Okay,
So it's really about learning how to write down and
(30:38):
again you can start journaling what's happening for you, Like
here's the thing when you have that reaction and you
start asking yourself the question like did you like what
was what was the moment that you felt triggered? What
(31:01):
was the moment you started reacting? What happened? Was it
something that you heard, was it something someone said, was
it something that someone did? A behavior? And you write
down and you start thinking about it, and then you
can start processing it, and you can ask what was
(31:22):
the emotion that was underneath? Was it an unmet need
that you really wanted to be heard or seen or respected?
Was it? And at a time when you weren't setting
a boundary, someone crossed your boundaries and you felt really angry,
(31:42):
maybe even violated, And to start looking at that then
learning okay, so what was triggered? And ask? It's learning
to ask what was this trying to tell me? You
look at the emotion underneath and perhaps even ask yourself
(32:03):
where did this begin? Because when you get triggered, this
is back to the subconscious mind. When you get triggered
and you have reacted, and those unmet needs or those
not being able to say no, or you not being
able to express, or you being a people pleas or
(32:26):
all of that is more than likely coming from your childhood.
And so it's learning to understand that part of you
so that you can heal it. And when you do
the healing work, it's powerful work. It's your opportunity to
be able to create transformation in your life, and when
(32:48):
you do, you create the transformation all around. So we're
going to continue to talk about this more and how
to understand in an empower powered way to be able
to work with anger, deal with it, process it, and
then take constructive healthy behaviors and healthy communication so that
(33:12):
you are feeling healthier and better and more passionate, more empowered,
inspired and feeling on purpose. And so join us next
week for more inspired and empowered living for a thriving
business and life. And we are live Thursdays at five
(33:36):
pm Eastern for TV dot com, W four, WN dot com,
and my YouTube channel, and you can hear the podcast
on Spotify, Apple and Dora, iHeartRadio and Amazon and many more.
And I wish you and inspired and empowered and week
(34:01):
and an inspired and empowered day and night. Have a
great one, everybody, by for now
Any health related information on the following show provides general
information only. Content presented on any show by any host
or guest should not be substituted for a doctor's advice.
Always consult your physician before beginning any new diet, exercise,
or treatment program.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Hello everyone, and welcome to the Inspired and Empowered Living
TV show and podcast. We are live Thursdays at five
pastern on talkfortv dot com, W four WN dot com
and my YouTube channel, and today we are talking about
(01:11):
empowered ways to deal with yours and others anger. Anger
isn't something to fear or suppress. It's a powerful signal that,
when understood and handled consciously, can lead to deeper healing,
stronger boundaries, and more authentic relationships to During the show,
(01:37):
you will learn more how to navigate yours and others
anger so that you can create confidence, clarity, and compassion
in your life and in your relationships. We'll talk more
about how to decode the deeper meaning behind and message
behind anger, grounding ways to stay when emotions run high,
(02:02):
and empowered communication strategies to de escalate conflict. And we'll
also talk about reactive versus responsive behavior and why it
mattered so and this episode is not a replacement for
therapy or counseling. It is for educational purposes only. I'm
(02:26):
your host, Nancy Deutsch, licensed clinical social worker, certified hypnotherapist,
and intuitive business expert. I can bind my counseling, coaching,
and intuitive abilities to transform your life. And what I
want to support all of you in knowing is that
(02:47):
anger has it can be this amazing emotion that can
inspire you, empower you when you channel it in a
healthy way. However, most of us grew up in families
(03:07):
where anger was destructive, and we're going to talk more
about what is constructive anger, what is destructive anger. So
that's also part of what we're going to be talking
about as well throughout this episode and perhaps other episodes
in the future. What I wanted, what I realized and
(03:27):
I really wanted to talk more specifically about anger is
we were talking about emotional intelligence and emotional regulation in
past episodes, and one of the biggest emotions that really
needs that ability to learn how to control and control
(03:54):
your reactions and be able to learn how to calm
yourself down when you have reacted. So the first thing,
since I'm talking about reaction, let me talk a little
bit more about that, And of course you know I
(04:14):
always love your questions, So anybody who wants to ask
any questions as I'm talking about these things, please feel free.
So the first thing that I want to share with
you is an explanation, and I call it my psych
one oh one lesson. So you have your conscious mind,
and your conscious mind is the part of you that
(04:38):
makes the decision. So when we're talking about reactive anger
versus responsive or healthy versus destructive, reactive anger is unhealthy
and can lead can be very destructive, whereas responsive, being
(05:00):
in response is you're be able to respond and it
can be very constructive. And with your conscious mind, your
conscious mind empowers you to make the decision to take
an action so that you can if you find your reacting,
(05:21):
if you find you've been triggered, which I also want most.
I want you all to know that it's common. It's
understandable if you get triggered, because we you're human and
we're all going to get triggered somehow, some way. So
it's learning to be able to become aware of the
(05:41):
triggers and then be able to do something about it,
which is your conscious mind making that decision. Now, your
subconscious mind is the part of you that reacts. So
when you feel triggered, when you feel like you feel like,
oh my god, you feel so angry, you or you
(06:02):
or you notice maybe you're not at the really angry
stage or even a rage stage, but you're noticing you're
getting a little annoyed, or you're getting frustrated, and all
of those emotions are derivatives of anger. And so that
reaction is coming from your subconscious mind. And your subconscious mind,
(06:27):
from the moment you will conceived to present time has
recorded every moment you've been alive, and that includes limiting
beliefs and emotion. So when you're in reaction and you
get triggered, and what I mean by triggered is you're
reacting to either a person, a situation, something that happened.
(06:53):
And so when you get triggered and you react, that's
coming from your subconscious mind. And then you have your
super conscious mind, which is the part of you that
is your higher self. It's the part of you your
higher aspects of self. So your higher self is the wise,
(07:14):
unconditionally loving part of you that actually can help you
get into emotional regulation and support you and your conscious
mind and your super conscious mind work together and work together,
and then you have your soul, that shining light of
who you are, and that is also part of your
(07:38):
super conscious mind. And you can also call upon your
angels or your guides or beings of light to support
you if you've gotten triggered or you're reacting. So all
of those possibilities that can happen when you're working with
these parts of yourself. Now, so what happens is when
(08:02):
let's talk about so, you have the reactive and you
have the response in so when you're in reaction, and
the other thing that I want to talk about that
I've talked about before, but let's talk about it again
is the fight flight and freeze reaction response. And what
(08:25):
happens is fight flight and freeze are basically your instinctive
subconscious coming from your subconscious, instinctive reactions that happen for you,
like get you get triggered like that. It's instinctive. It
happens automatically, and you can't control that. However, okay, this
(08:48):
is the big However, however, you can control once you've
become aware, oh I'm reacting, I'm triggered I'm feeling angry
or I'm feeling annoyed, or I'm feeling frustrated. Once you've
become aware of it, then that conscious mind has kicked
(09:10):
in and you can make a decision to do something
about it in a constructive way, because you don't want
to be reacting in destructive ways, because bottom line is
when and I'm always using the phrase, when you feel
a feeling and an emotion, especially anger, you don't want
(09:35):
to be hurting yourself like sabotaging behaviors, addictive behaviors, hurting
yourself in any way. And it's also a process of
learning when you're being when you're doing self destructive and behaviors,
and will be talking more about that at some point,
(09:59):
so it's really learning and understanding. And then and then
you want to make sure you're not hurting other people
when you react and there's destructive reaction. You do not
want to be hitting, hurting, doing anything that could hurt
someone else, And you don't want to be destroying property.
(10:23):
So that emotion and it's really important to be working
on being able to get a grip or be able
to calm yourself down when you've been in that reaction mode.
So and responding comes from your conscious mind and you're
(10:48):
super conscious and when you're responding, you're making that decision
what can I do to take care of myself or
what am I feeling? And then understand, now we talked
about anger and what anger is really telling you. Now,
anger is not a flaw, it's actually it's actually a signal.
(11:14):
So when you're having let's say the stress reaction response,
it's like I said, instinctual. So in order to survive
in our life in the world, even caveman days, because
we are like the animals, we have those instincts and
your instinct to go into aggression fight mode is to
(11:40):
protect yourself, to keep you safe. And so, however, what
happens is in our society in this day and age
is if you are in chronic mode, you may have
chronic stress, you may feel anger chronically, you may get
(12:02):
triggered really easily, and it's going to be learning how
to calm yourself down, to take care of yourself, to
get back into that emotional balance regulation. So think about
so what happens with anger is very often anger can
(12:25):
be a signal for unmet needs. So what do I
mean by that? What I mean is if you feel
and start thinking about perhaps times in your life. Let's
take a text example, and you text somebody, maybe you
text your partner, maybe you text your close friend, maybe
(12:49):
you text a business associate or client, and you don't
hear back from them, or you don't hear back from
them right away, or you don't hear back from them
on your terms, and you notice that you're starting to
get triggered, and you notice you're starting to get and
(13:10):
you start and then you can start thinking out of control,
why haven't they gotten back to me? Is it? You know?
Like what's wrong? Or why are they not doing this?
And you can start blaming, or you can start shaming,
or you get you can make yourself even more upset.
And so your need is to be heard, to be answered.
(13:35):
And if you have a need to be heard, to
be seen, to be loved, I mean all of that.
When you're not getting that need, bet you can go
into anger. So let me give you. Like I've talked
about Jenny and Jimmy. It's been a while, but we're
going to visit Jenny and Jimmy. So what would happen
(13:57):
with Jenny and Jimmy is Jenny would she would just
say something or do something, and Jimmy was what we
call a rager, and so what would happen is Jimmy
would start screaming and yelling at Jenny. Now that's destructive behavior,
(14:17):
that's not healthy anger. And destructive anger is any kind
of anger, hitting, yelling, screaming, reacting like that. And then
unhealthy anger is being able to become aware of the
(14:38):
reaction and then process it and then learn how to
communicate it in a healthy way. So what would happen
is Jenny would say or do something and it would
trigger Jimmy. In fact, Jimmy was triggered very often and
there was this energy between them. So Jimmy was reacting
(15:03):
from his subconscious mind and what was happening is Jenny
was triggering actually Jimmy's mother, because when Jimmy was growing up,
his mother was very controlling. She would go into ages,
and so she learned He learned that. He learned that behavior,
(15:27):
and very often, if you look in the generational lines,
there's usually very often, not all the time, but there's
usually someone who has anger issues and somebody in the
next generation can pick it up. Now, what might happen
for you is you may not have the anger issues,
(15:49):
but you may, like Jenny, you may end up marrying
a partner or getting into a friendship or a relationship
with the other person has anger issues. And so it's
because you've learned that pattern. This is all subconscious. It
wasn't like you figured it out and you whatever. It
(16:12):
was instinctive. And so those unmet needs. So what would
happen is Jimmy really wanted he wanted to be heard,
he wanted to be loved, he wanted to be understood.
But what was happening is the dynamic between them was
(16:34):
no matter what Jenny did, she wasn't going to be
able to satisfy him because Jimmy needed to learn how
to handle his anger. And when they came to me,
we worked. We worked together so that Jimmy learned to
handle anger management and Jenny learned how to you know,
(16:59):
what to do if the energy, the anger got out
of control, to take care of herself. So anger, and
this is distructive anger. But what happened is it was
a signal they knew they needed help. They finally went
(17:21):
for help and we started working together to help them
heal and process. So so and another unmet need that
you may have that could be trigger anger is feeling disrespected.
So if you have felt disrespected and all of a sudden,
(17:45):
you're like, this person is not respecting me. Now they
may or may not be aware of that, but you've
gotten triggered. So all this is all about understanding the signals,
all about tuning into the messages that may be happening
so that you can then do something about it. Then,
(18:07):
another way anger is a signal is boundaries. When you
are not clear in your boundaries, or you don't know
your boundaries, or you're not sure of your boundaries, it's
more likely people will cross your boundaries. And when your
boundaries are crossed, then you very often can become angry.
(18:34):
You can become irritated or upset. Maybe you don't even
realize what happened. But learning to understand, and that's part
of the journey, and learning to understand what's triggering me? Now,
what is this anger trying to tell me? What do
(18:56):
I need to learn from it? You can ask yourself
those question and when you do that, it can lead
you to realize that you were not saying no, or
you weren't really clear in your boundaries. So I'll give
you an example. Somebody I work with, I'll call her Selma.
(19:18):
So Selma was a giver, So such a giver, and
she was a giver, and what would happen is and everybody,
like all the people in her life knew she was
a giver and we see hello, whoever just said hello?
And we So she was a giver, and so people
(19:40):
would ask her, can you do this? Ask her for favors,
and Selma didn't say no. She was a people pleaser.
And what she started noticing is she started getting angry
and angrier, and she wasn't really sure why she was
getting so angry. And when her and I started talking
(20:01):
about I said, is this something that you really want
to do? Or do you feel obligated? Or are you
having a hard time saying no? And she started thinking
about it and she realized that she really didn't want
to do the favor, like sometimes it was okay and
sometimes it wasn't, but she needed to get in touch
(20:25):
when it was not okay and learn how to say no.
And so her anger was the signal for her that
if she said yes, if she felt angry or resentful,
it was really a null. If she felt like, Oh,
(20:45):
I really want to do this, this feels good, you know, because,
like I said, givers love to give. And she may
have wanted to do something, but it's not all the time.
And if it felt if it felt right and it
felt good, she would it would feel fine. So I
(21:06):
invite you to look at your anger and to look
at are you setting enough boundaries? And if you're getting
angry or resentful? Now, resentful is another form another derivative
of anger, resentful, bitterness, frustration. Like I said before, all
(21:26):
of these are derivatives. And then of course you know,
like there's a scale of getting a little annoyed, a
little irritated, and that increases. It depends how much you're
getting triggered and what the trigger is and if you
get an intense reaction, what that saying is that there
(21:50):
is something that really needs healing for you, and this
is an opportunity for you to be able to explore
and discover what is it that you need to heal. Now,
another way that anger comes in is if you feel
(22:10):
like you've been treated unfairly, or it may or you
see others being treated unfairly, and so you may feel
triggered and get angry, and so it's learning to be
able to be aware of that trigger. And here's the thing,
it's once you become aware that you've been triggered, then
(22:36):
you can do something about it. But if you don't,
if you're not aware, then you're not gonna be able
to do anything about it. So, and then what happens
with anger, I will tell you, is that it can
be a cover for other feelings. Like some people get
angry instead of feeling grief or sadness. Some people get
(23:00):
angry because they've really hurt and the hurt is underneath
the anger. It's easier to be angry than to feel
the hurt and so and underneath the anger it could
be fear. And so I invite you to ask, if
your anger had a voice, what would it say, and
(23:23):
what would it say? And is it protecting you in
some way? Because anger is a protection. Remember I talked
about the fight flight. It's one of the aggression is
one of the ways that we protected ourselves. However, now
(23:46):
it's learning to turn it around so that it's not
used in a destructive way. But you turn around the
anger and use it in a constructive way. And when
you do that, there is such power. You really feel empowered,
and it creates passion when you feel and because all
(24:11):
the emotions, like when you turn that anger into something
that is constructed, you can have passion and purpose around it.
I'll give you example. So one of the things that
very often a foundation can be created because the family
(24:38):
wanted to make a difference in let's say their loved one.
Maybe their loved one passed, maybe they were murdered, maybe
it was suicide, Maybe it was a mugging or hurting,
or you know something that happened, maybe it was a disease.
And so the person or the family can get feel
(25:02):
really angry and feel that injustice and feel unfair and
feel like there's all this charge around it. And what
they do is they turn that into a foundation, turn
it into a foundation to start helping other people that
(25:22):
had been hurt, maybe mugged, or other family members. Where
there is like I know of a charity where it's
growing and growing, and the person who started it her
son had an addiction problem and what happened was he
(25:47):
overdosed and she started this organization and now she's helping
other parents and families feel from the loss of their
loved ones. And so what I want you to know
is that anger is this powerful, amazing, empowering tool, but
(26:07):
it needs to be worked with and channeled in a
way so that you can have the benefit and the
constructive aspects rather than destructive. And I will also tell
you that when anger is used destructively, it can ruin relationships.
(26:29):
A lot of the people who are divorced or there's
a big different distance in relationships, whether it's a romantic
partner or a friendship, it's because anger was not expressed
in a healthy way. Sometimes, like with Jenny and Jimmy,
if they had not sought help, they probably would not
(26:50):
have survived their relationship. They probably would have gotten a divorce.
And so know that all of that and really be
part of the healing journey. And you really want to
make sure that you're handling your anger and what to
(27:12):
do for yourself when the other person in your life
is the angry person. But it all starts with you,
and it starts with you feeling safe, and it starts
with you taking care of yourself, and it starts with
what you need to do so that you have physical safety,
(27:32):
because if you're in any place where you are not safe,
then please go for help. Please be able to find
that physical safety. Now there's also the emotional safety. If
you're with someone or you have a relationship with someone,
whether it's a partner or even a friend, and there
(27:57):
you don't know when they're going to go off and
rage or or say or do things that would hurt you.
That's and not physically hurt you, but emotionally hurt then you,
that's not emotional safety. So bottom line is is you
want to make sure that you find your safety, that
(28:19):
you find a way to protect yourself, take care of yourself,
and set those boundaries. So and like I said, anger
carries energy and when you channel it in a healthy way,
it becomes that passion and power and purpose. So one
(28:41):
of the things that you can start asking yourself is
if you're not sure if you're doing destructive anger or
constructive anger, is asking yourself, am I trying to hurt
myself or some else? Or am I trying to heal?
(29:03):
Because remember anger is the signal, it's the tool that
can empower you to make the changes in your life.
Anger can be that empowering tool part of you, emotion
that gives you the energy too say no to the
(29:24):
person you need to say no to. It could be
leaving a relationship or a job, or leaving a relationship
or job and then starting your own business. And anger
could be that emotion that inspires you to take action
(29:46):
in a healthy way so that you are changing your
life and changing others. Because when you start dealing with
anger and healthy ways and you start changing you, everyone
else around you changing. You are the beginning of the change,
and that is really important for you to remember and
(30:13):
if and the other thing to ask yourself is there
something some kind of positive action? Like is there social
action or what kind of positive action? Can I do it?
With the anger? But we're going to talk more about them, Okay,
So it's really about learning how to write down and
(30:38):
again you can start journaling what's happening for you, Like
here's the thing when you have that reaction and you
start asking yourself the question like did you like what
was what was the moment that you felt triggered? What
(31:01):
was the moment you started reacting? What happened? Was it
something that you heard, was it something someone said, was
it something that someone did? A behavior? And you write
down and you start thinking about it, and then you
can start processing it, and you can ask what was
(31:22):
the emotion that was underneath? Was it an unmet need
that you really wanted to be heard or seen or respected?
Was it? And at a time when you weren't setting
a boundary, someone crossed your boundaries and you felt really angry,
(31:42):
maybe even violated, And to start looking at that then
learning okay, so what was triggered? And ask? It's learning
to ask what was this trying to tell me? You
look at the emotion underneath and perhaps even ask yourself
(32:03):
where did this begin? Because when you get triggered, this
is back to the subconscious mind. When you get triggered
and you have reacted, and those unmet needs or those
not being able to say no, or you not being
able to express, or you being a people pleas or
(32:26):
all of that is more than likely coming from your childhood.
And so it's learning to understand that part of you
so that you can heal it. And when you do
the healing work, it's powerful work. It's your opportunity to
be able to create transformation in your life, and when
(32:48):
you do, you create the transformation all around. So we're
going to continue to talk about this more and how
to understand in an empower powered way to be able
to work with anger, deal with it, process it, and
then take constructive healthy behaviors and healthy communication so that
(33:12):
you are feeling healthier and better and more passionate, more empowered,
inspired and feeling on purpose. And so join us next
week for more inspired and empowered living for a thriving
business and life. And we are live Thursdays at five
(33:36):
pm Eastern for TV dot com, W four, WN dot com,
and my YouTube channel, and you can hear the podcast
on Spotify, Apple and Dora, iHeartRadio and Amazon and many more.
And I wish you and inspired and empowered and week
(34:01):
and an inspired and empowered day and night. Have a
great one, everybody, by for now
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