The Coffin Club

"...I don't get it. I don't. I. Shit. I'm having a hell of a time with this, Taylor. I am.

I want you to have your life. I want you to live it. But this is the sort of money that doesn't come back when you spend it.

You're smart, you know that? You and your siblings are all smart. And I thought...maybe her. Maybe the one who's most like me, but is smart like her mother.

I don't know. I d...

"Alright. The twins are resting, Taylor's managing to keep fluids down. Your dad's on the phone with the agent. Are *you* okay, Becky?

I'm sorry. I am. It took a lot of planning, and I was excited for it too. I've only been in California a few times myself, but. We're not getting to Anaheim, not with three of us throwing up like that. Especially not by train.

But, hey, it'll be alright. ...

"Okay, I gotta make this all abundantly clear: none of you kids are ever joining the fucking military. That sounds, like, weird strict dad shit, I guess, but. I gotta put my foot down. Don't tell your mother I used those words.

Morgan, Nancy, you two are old enough to enlist if you really wanted to or go into ROTC or something. Don't. Becks and Taylor, you let me know if they do any of t...

"...hello? Morgan it's. What time is it, good god...slow down, slow down, honey.

Where are you?

...okay. I should not have been yo-no, no honey, it's okay, you're...your dad's not here right now. He's here, but he took some medicine before bed, so he's not gonna wake up any time soon. Fuck. Okay. Here's how this is going to work, okay? I'm not him but I know how these sorts of calls go.

...

"Yeah your mom is, uh. Bisexual. Pansexual? She doesn't only like guys like me. I don't know why you're asking me this, Nancy.

Oh, the band. Yeah. I thought she was dating Lana when we first met, and I guess Lana thought that too. Got weird when I started hanging out. I think your mom made some mistakes at that time. We were pretty young, it was messy, I was doing my own shit and didn't....

"Oh god where did you kids find that record. You're all a little too young for that, heh. C'mon, let's go put it back in the attic, alright?

Are you sure you want to?

...don't tell your dad, okay? I mean he likes it, but. The swearing and content.

"The Screwdrivers" was a fun time. I think we could've made it. But we didn't have the money, or the commitment...it was a whole thing, we wer...

"I, uh. I dunno what to say about this, Becks.

I did say you could use my card to order stuff online. I didn't expect you to sign up for a magazine, and...I'm not going to say money is tight. I am going to say I didn't expect it to be a recurring subscription, y'know? Anyway. I looked into it, because what the hell is "Grills & Grills Quarterly".

So. Uh. You're kind of serious about ...

"Sticking with Taylor. Okay. I get it. It's a good name. We got it on the first try, right?

Hey. You did a big thing, telling all of us at once like that. Takes a lot of guts. I'm proud of you, Taylor.

I'm not making excuses for your father. I'm happy he got up and didn't say anything. He's getting smarter in his old age and learning to keep his mouth shut. I am going to remind you that ...

What are they dressed as? I mean it's. Obvious, isn't it? Y'know, he's the leader, she's the lieutenant, there's the big strong one...

Look, ma'am, my kids worked hard on these costumes, and for you to start throwing words like those around-

I do, yes, we're in district, they go to the school at Twelfth, those two are in sixth grade-

Oh I'm sorry I thought we lived in America? Since when...

Take another tissue. Take as many as you need. Misa's going to be okay. Shit like this happens all the time, Nancy, it's part of field hockey.

It was an accident. Everyone saw what happened. They're going to reset her nose, run some tests, she'll be fine. I promise it'll be fine.

Because it happened in such a safe place, is why. I mean. Yeah. You all tend to get the blood up on the field...

Jesus Becky, I dunno why I gotta be the one doing this. I told your mother and she wanted to give you a high five. I think that'd undermine the point of this talk we're having.

God how the hell do I even approach this. Fuck. Don't. Don't tell your mother I said that. Ha. Sorry. Look. I understand, Dennis Hanson's a little shit. Don't tell your mother I said that. And I understand he was ...

You two are old enough for this talk. I love your father but he's not qualified to give it.

Things aren't fair. It's not that we're lucky; we are. God, are we lucky. I've got four kids I wouldn't trade for the world. I've got a husband I love, a house I call my own, a job that doesn't break my back, some savings. We're trying to play our cards right to ensure the two of you get to go som...

First of all there's a reason I'm the one giving this talk and not your mother. We're not mad at you, we're not even disappointed. It's. It's unfortunate this is how it all is, y'know?

Shit I kinda figured one of you might be a chip off my block. Didn't expect *you*, heh. Anyway, uh, here goes.

It's okay to steal stuff, Taylor.

Yeah you didn't really see that coming, huh? There's a part ...

Hi again from the monkey house. I hope the POLICE don't redact this one this time.

The kids are doing okay. Rebecca's big now, she's started walking around. Almost ready to start talking. The twins...well the twins are testing my patience, honey. They keep getting in fights with the other kids. It's always some stupid thing, and they don't cause it, but it doesn't help because they're ch...

We got lucky getting this house. First thing your big brother ever helped us with. I used to think I was slick but Morgan's got my charms and your mother's sense even before he was born. Got your mother's temper too but y'know don't tell him I said that, Becks.

Your mother and I were, to be blunt, using contraception. We wanted kids, but we wanted them on our own timetable. I was working...

He told you about Mike and Elsie, huh? I love your father but he can be a little judgmental sometimes. You think he wouldn't be considering his family.

Well no honey they're. Mmm. I'm sorry. I get a little heated sometimes, thinking about my siblings. Imagine how you'd feel if someone started saying stuff about Becky or how the twins would feel if someone started picking on you. They're ...

Well we don't really talk to your mom's side of the family because we don't particularly. Like them, y'know?

Yeah, okay, Grandma Nina and Grandma Tess are the exception, we make time for them. It's your aunt and uncle who are the problem. Your mom's still got some positive feelings but I'm the outsider so I can bring a balance to that sort of thing.

So your Uncle Mike, he joined the mili...