Dougal Sutherland: Navigating major life changes

I’ve been thinking recently about major life changes that families go through and how these can be at the same time very challenging, yet also an opportunity for amazing growth for individuals and for families.  

This was sparked by three things:  

• The impending arrival of Jack’s baby. 
• The recent arrival into our family of our first grandchild. 
• Our daughter moving out of home to go to uni in Auckland (which is where we are this weekend), which will make me and my lovely wife officially “empty nesters”. 

In any family, these types of events are major milestones, and I think for all of them, there’s no real way of fully preparing for them. All the wisdom, guidance, and advice —however well intentioned— from others can properly prepare you for such a step-change in life.  

A metaphor that springs to mind for me is a ship setting off to sail in unchartered waters. These trips can be exciting, nerve-wracking, anxiety-provoking. There is the potential in these journeys to go wildly off course or become beaten down by the elements and ending up floating untethered in the middle of nowhere.  

Rest assured there are some good tips to follow to help people navigate these journeys – they won’t ensure smooth sailing but should help weather the storms.  

• Have some good rhythms in your daily life that help provide stability and reassurance. It could be having a daily routine around exercise or a daily practice of prayer/meditation; maybe a general agreement to always come together at a particular time (e.g., for dinner together). Have these as general guidelines rather than rigid rules. 
• As much as possible keep the bookends of your day consistent – have a usual time for getting up and going to bed. Sleep-ins and big nights are okay (and sometimes will be needed!) but try and let these be the exception rather than the rule. 
• Practice forgiveness – when we’re navigating uncharted waters, we can often get stressed and speak or act in a way that we don’t usually (even more if we’re sleep deprived), which can have an effect on those around us. Practice assuming that other people usually act from good intentions (just like you do) and work to actively forgive those who inadvertently do or say the wrong thing.  

Hopefully that will help navigate times of family change! 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:07):
You're listening to the Saturday Morning with Jack Teams podcast
from News Talks at be.

Speaker 2 (00:12):
Time to catch up with our clinical psychologist, Doogle. Sutherland
is with us this morning.

Speaker 3 (00:17):
Kild A, Good morning, Cure, Good morning Jack.

Speaker 1 (00:19):
How are you.

Speaker 2 (00:20):
I'm very well, thank you. I think you and I
have a few things in common at the moment in
that both of our families are going through some big
life changes.

Speaker 1 (00:27):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (00:28):
Absolutely, yes. I was thinking about this this week and
about how you've got an impending arrival and we had
our first grandchild arrived into our family just before just
before New Year actually, which which is pretty cool.

Speaker 2 (00:43):
Congratulations, Thank you, thank you.

Speaker 3 (00:46):
Yeah, it's still getting my head around that. And then
I'm also getting my head round the fact that our
younger daughter is we're taking her up to Auckland this
weekend actually to start at UNI. And yeah, it's a
very you know, those big phases of family life are
quite big mark as I think for any family need

(01:06):
to go through.

Speaker 2 (01:07):
Yeah, it's funny because they can. I mean, there are
some obvious upsides and reasons for celebration and all of that,
but when you go through change, especially when you've been
in a family that has you know, kind of had
consistency or not necessarily routine, but you know, you've kind
of the shape of a family has been you know,
a certain way for a while. It can be a
little bit upset unsettling.

Speaker 3 (01:28):
Right, Yeah, absolutely, And actually I really like that term,
that shape of the family, because you're right, it changes
and it morphs. And I often think about it too,
like a bit of a metaphor springs to mind for me.
Sometimes it's about, you know, a ship setting out to
see and setting off on a voyage and you're kind

(01:52):
of into uncharted territory. Yeah, you know, and you're not
quite sure where you're going. You've never been here before.
And there's lots of people that have been on similar
journeys and who could give you all the advice that
you'll you know, they want to, but it's not quite
the same as doing it in your own journey, and
it's uncharted waters, and it can be quite disruptive for

(02:14):
people just just you know, not in a just more
in a sort of a subtle, ongoing way rather necessarily
than one huge, big thing. But yeah, it can be
really unsettling for families.

Speaker 2 (02:24):
Okay, well, you've got some really useful practical tips for
just managing the immediacy of those big life changes. Then
why don't you run us through them?

Speaker 3 (02:32):
Yeah? Sure, So look, I was thinking about what would
I say if somebody said, what are your three three
tops tips? So I'm trying to narrow them down to three.
So firstly, and actually you're I think you were talking
a little bit about this last week about how you're
a man that likes sort of routine and pattern and
you know, likes to do the same thing, you know,

(02:52):
have your coffee the same way, And I think you
know there's something in that about having some really nice
rhythms to your day, having some things that you know,
I sort of like tenthole that will help keep you stable.
So whether that's whether that's you know, going to the
gym every day or most days, or whether that's having

(03:15):
meals at a particular time or you know, family meals,
but just some some rhythms that happen throughout your day
most days, if not all days, that just keep you grounded.
They keep you coming back and when everything else can
send chaotic or turbulent, these are the things that can
help just give life a bit of shape and a

(03:35):
bit of sense.

Speaker 2 (03:36):
Yeah, it's like a touchstow eh.

Speaker 3 (03:38):
Yeah, yeah, that's a good way I'm thinking about it.
Yeah yeah, So that's number one. Number two would be
as much as possible, And obviously this is this is
more difficult if you've got a new baby just about
to arrive. But keeping those bookends of your day reasonably consistent,
you know, getting up at roughly the same time and

(04:00):
going to bed at roughly the same time. This sounds like,
this sounds you know, in some ways, I think people
can overlook how the sounds simple, and I think people
can overlook how that how simple but effective it is.
You know, have a lieon sure sometimes and you know
people have late nights, all good. But keeping that sort

(04:20):
of those book ends of the day, the start and
the end reasonably fixed as much as you can, I think,
really help keep stability. If we go back to that
metaphor of the ship, it helps the ship keep sailing smoothly,
or at least as smoothly as it can when things
get a bit when the weather gets a bit still.

Speaker 2 (04:39):
Yeah nice, And what's your thod tip?

Speaker 3 (04:41):
Third one is really around our relationships without with each other,
that that you know, these times of family change when
when you're the shape of your family is changing, can
can result in, you know, some tension and some a
little bit of friction from time to time, whether that's
because you've disrupted, you know, you're down on sleep, or
whether they're just not feeling quite right. And so practicing

(05:04):
forgiveness practice, assuming that the other people that you're talking
to are engaging with come from a place, from a
good place, They've got a good intentions. They're not out
to deliberately muck things up or say things to hurt you.
But they But we when we're under stress, we all

(05:25):
kind of can do or say things that we wish
we hadn't. And so adopting that stance going in and saying, actually,
let's just forgive each other and practice forgiving as much
as we can so that those so that you avoid
that sort of layer. It's almost like pancakes on a
plate can layer up and up and up. So it's
about forgiving and getting those pancakes off the plate.

Speaker 2 (05:47):
Hey, look, I'm always one for getting pancakes off a plate.

Speaker 3 (05:51):
You know me.

Speaker 2 (05:53):
Absolutely No, that's such good advice. And thank you, good
good luck for the trip to the nine and for
the speed change and hopefully if you've got a bit
of the empty nester vibes, then hopefully you can make
that up with your new grand and you know one
will last sit the other.

Speaker 3 (06:09):
Yeah. Look, thanks Jack, and good luck for your impending
arrival too. It's goes really well.

Speaker 2 (06:14):
Yeah, thank you so much, Dogle Google subtlan from Umbrella
Well Being.

Speaker 1 (06:17):
Then, for more from Saturday Morning with Jack Tame, listen
live to News Talks ed B from nine am Saturday,
or follow the podcast on iHeartRadio