August 1, 2024 • 19 mins
There are times when a parent's relationship with their child feels strained and difficult. Kylie shares what it can look like to cultivate these challenging relationships, giving hope to any parent deep in the trenches of raising hard kids.
More often than not, when we lose the plot as adults, it is because of unmet expectations. A games night in the Coulson household did NOT meet Justin's expectations, leading to one very grumpy dad!
In this episode:
- I'll Do Better Tomorrow, I Promise - Maurine Reynolds Adamek
- 5 star reviews - thank you!
- Cultivating relationships
- No Matter What
- Hope for the parent who thinks they can't keep going
- Resilience
- Family games night turns sour
- Expectations vs reality
- Unmet needs
- Bedtime
- Even the parenting expert gets parenting wrong
- Be where your feet are
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
It's the Happy Family's podcast. It's the podcast for the
time poor parent who just once answers me ow. We
look forward to Friday's on the podcast perhaps more than
any other day. Well, we like all the days, but
Friday is a particularly special day because we get to
play around with this thing called I'll Do Better Tomorrow.
(00:22):
If you're new to the podcast and haven't heard, a
couple of years ago, we came across a kid's book.
It was called I'll Do Better Tomorrow. And in this book,
we've got a mum who just, oh, my goodness, the
mum guilt. That's what you'd call it, isn't it just
the mum guilt? Gosh, I want to do this better.
In fact, I'm feeling a bit like that, just so
much going on, I just kind of want to lay
(00:44):
down on the couch and go ah. We've got a
kiddo who's moved into her very first house. We've got
another child who's about to come back from eighteen months
away in England. We've got kids that don't want to
give up bedrooms, and a million other things happening. A
child who's refusing to go to swimming lessons, another child
who's picked up a guitar and decided that that's the
(01:06):
instrument that she loves. After one lesson, we'll see how
long that lasts. And there's a million other things going on,
and it's a child.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
Who won't go to bed because she just got a
new drum kit.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
Oh my goodness, there's that one as well, trying to
get his kids. So just we didn't even have sticks.
We bought an electric drum kit on sale on Facebook, marketplace,
pick it up second or third hand or something, and
they didn't give us any drumsticks. So it's nine point
thirty at night. I'm like, go to bed, and we
can't hear the drums.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
Oh, I can hear the pitter pad, but.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
You can hear the just on the electric dum kit.
You can just hear the soft, soft tapping away. And
we're like, oh, go to bed, and she's like, no,
I don't want to anyway. I'll do better tomorrow. As
where we reflect on the chaos and the absolute nuts
nature of what we try to do in our families
and make it better. Hey, before we do it, before
we do it. Every now and again, we like to
(01:55):
share news, and sometimes it's your news, not our news,
got a couple of emails that need to be acknowledged.
I just I got an email from someone I didn't
take note of their name, and I'm feeling so guilty
about it. You should, I know, I should take note
of their name or I should feel guilty. Oh, thank you, Hi,
Justin and Kylie. I loved listening to your recent podcast
Number Oney twenty six. Oh this was a couple of
(02:17):
weeks ago. I was also supposed to read it out
last week and the week before, but I keep forgetting
so much going on. This mom says. My husband and
I have six children, five girls and one boy. In
addition to helpful words and actions, what brings our connection
close with our children is scheduled special nights and special breakfasts.
Every month on the number of our kids' birthday, I
(02:40):
let them stay up and do an activity with me alone,
baking or looking through baby photos, playing games, et cetera.
All the kids want their special time. They're very respectful
to allow the one on one time for their siblings.
Special night that was following up number one zero two
six episode one zero two six, where we talked about
making time for your kids and just a really nice email.
People are doing this stuff and it's working.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
I really like that idea.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
Where are we going to fit that in the idea?
Speaker 2 (03:04):
No. I love how they've actually worked it out. You know,
in the past, we've done things like that and it
becomes our saturdays, whereas they've kind of go, Okay, my
daughter is born on the sixth, so each sixth of
the month, I'm going to spend time with it.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
I love it.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
Yeah, it's kind of like a birthday anniversary or type thing.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
I love the framing of that. This one came through
from Valentina Novak. I did take note of Valentine this name.
I'm so sorry to our first one who wrote. I
feel even worse now because I know, Valentina, you are
not just healing our children, but healing all parents and
validating their instincts to be kind of their offspring. You're
also educating the society at large, a huge gift of humanity.
For so long, society told parents to quote unquote discipline
(03:43):
their kids if the child merely acted how biology intended.
It resulted in generations upon generations growing up with mental
health issues and broken hearts. It's such a gift of
humanity to have experts such as yourself, dismantling myths about
childhood behaviors and normalizing what is biologically normal, as well
as equipping parents with strategies to nurture their children into
(04:04):
adulthood so they become kind, confident, and self actualized individuals
who can make great contributions to society. Your expertise in
valuable as a mum to two beautiful and very kind children.
I thank you. What a nice email.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
Oh thank you, Valentina.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
Yeah, we don't get enough of those. Yeah, I think
we deserve more. I'm begging. I mean, I'm really fishing here.
In all seriousness, if you haven't done this yet and
you listen to the podcast, can you jump onto Apple
Podcasts or Spotify wherever you listen and leave one of
those what do they call them? Oh, that's right, a
rating and a review. Let us know what you think,
(04:40):
preferably a five star rating and review. They're the ones
that we love, We love, but we would just we
would love to hear from you and love to get them.
Speaking of, we did just receive one a couple of
weeks ago that we haven't read out. Nice and quick
one comes from someone who just said I'm still a mum.
As a mum to four kids six to twelve and
a primary school teacher working full time, I find the
(05:01):
podcast entertaining, insightful and educational. I'm definitely time poor and
love that I can squeeze in some episodes while completing
some kilometers on the treadmill. Thanks for the episodes, Okay,
thank you for the five star review. Apple Podcasts or
Spotify wherever you're getting your pods, we would love love
to hear from you. Let's get onto it. I'll do
better tomorrow your first.
Speaker 2 (05:19):
I've been thinking about my very overscheduled week. It's been nuts,
been nuts, and one of the highlights was painting beside
our daughter and her husband after they got the keys
to their new home recently. And as I was thinking
(05:40):
about that and just thinking about this process, what I
have loved as we have grown this child into this
beautiful human being, is that we have set this example
of what service looks like and have had a willingness
to help others when we have the capacity to. And
(06:02):
as a result, we have now cultivated this beautiful reciprocal
relationship of service. And so while I was away recently,
Channell stepped in and kind of played mum for her
little sister because I couldn't be there.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
She really helped out, especially when I had to do
some travel.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
She was amazing and watching her grow as a mother
as a result. She actually shared with me the other day.
She was out at a cafe with a friend and
her little baby, Indy. She's eleven months now, and she'd
crawled away and Chanelle kind of let her go for
a little bit and she was watching her and then
finally realized, you know, she wasn't coming back, so she
(06:40):
went up, kind of grabbed her by the pants and
kind of poisted her up and kind of carried her
back in that crawl, you know, like she's a shopping
bag kind of thing, and put her down next to
where they were sitting. Perfect And one of the other
moms looked up and she was like, that's clearly not
your first child, and she I was like, actually it is.
She was like, I would never have done that with
(07:00):
my first child. She said, I'm on my fourth, and yeah,
he gets that all the time. She says, like, holy smoke.
She's like, yeah, I'm one of six. I've had lots
of practice. This isn't new to me. But I just
I love watching her grow and become this beautiful mum.
And to be able to have those experiences where we
(07:21):
can reciprocate in our capacity to help one another, I know.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
Where this is going is so joyful. Yep.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
And the reciprocation where I mean, we've done lots for them,
but the major reciprocationnem just recently.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
Was we painted their house.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
It's so funny days of painting. It was so funny
and I loved watching.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
Them the joy on their faces as they got paint
everywhere and you know, made a mess of it, but
it's theirs and they're so excited about it, and it
was just a really joyful experience to share together.
Speaker 1 (07:52):
They've worked so hard and without relying on the bank
of mum and Dad, they've been able to buy a
place in their mid twenties. Like we just we're so
excited for them, so proud of them. And this is
the thing about resilience, right, This is the thing about life.
When you do hard things, you feel awesome about you.
And we've supported them and helped them how a we can.
But they're the ones that have done the hard yards.
(08:13):
They're the ones that have done it can I make
this about me for a sec because I do like
to do that every now and again. I was holding
a paintbrush. I was painting. I painted for an entire Saturday,
and everyone, everybody who walked into the house, and it
was a bit of a revolving door that day. As
people were coming to say congratulations and just sticky be
can see what was going on. Every single person that
walked and said, well, Justin's painting. I thought he just
(08:36):
stood in front of people and told them stories about
raising kids.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
Well they look at your hands, honey, they're pretty so
Justin's painting.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
And I did a really good job.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
It was got the inside of the covering.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
I got insulted. Someone said, oh yeah, they give the
tot of the comes to people when they don't trust
their painting, right, And I did such a good job.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
You did such a good job that went had sent
a video of an update to one of his mates.
I thought he must have given him a dialogue. There
was nothing.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
It's literally the videos just to walk through of the house.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
Walk through of the house, and the first thing his
mate said, look at those covers.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
I got skills. I got skills. Anyway, the take home
message here.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
Is cultivating a relationship based on service is so rewarding
because the conversations you get to have as you work
side by side are so organic and real.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
There's another takeout message that you haven't mentioned, and it's
a hopeful one for any parent who is raising a
toddler or a teenager or a teenager and thinking, I'm
not sure if I like this kid right now? So
hard it gets awesome. It gets awesome if you cultivate
that relationship, if you continue to be patient and compassionate
(09:53):
and charitable, and continue to have a service orientation towards
your kids. Yes, you've got to have boundaries and limits.
Yes you've got to have some tough talks. This is
not about rolling over and being permissive and letting them
have whatever they want.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
And it's also not about doing everything for them.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
Of course, absolutely absolutely critical that we don't do that.
But it's also what it's really about is saying, even
when things are hard, and even when we act like
we don't like each other very much, you need to
know I love you no matter what. I'm here for
you no matter what. And now that we've got our
realist thought to being in her mid twenties and buying
a house. This relationship is it's pure delight. There is
(10:28):
so much hope and so much goodness for any parent
who's thinking, I don't know if I can keep doing it,
keep doing it, keep doing it.
Speaker 2 (10:35):
As a seventeen year old, I didn't think we'd ever
talk again. Like there is challenge in all relationships, but
just the hopeful message is keep going okay, because over
time you'll reap the benefits.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
Love it. It's my turn.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
So I'm kind of going to put you in the
hot seat.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
When you say of you're saying you're in the hot seat,
You're in the hot seat. I don't like where this
is going. I wanted to talk about my grandfather's funeral
and you don't want to talk about that.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
Well, if you really want to talk about that, you can.
Speaker 1 (11:11):
Where do you want to put us?
Speaker 2 (11:13):
I wanted to talk and kind of dissect our games
night the other day.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
Oh no, oh okay, So before you do this, I
just need to emphasize that just because I've written a
lot of parenting books and do this podcast, it doesn't
mean that I get everything right and my intentions were good. Okay, okay,
all right, okay, so who's just o'd do better tomorrow?
Is is this mine or is this yours?
Speaker 2 (11:36):
Well, hopefully you'll get some learning out of it.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
I've had the learning, but let's make it public because
you've gone there. No, it looks and if we've got time,
I need to talk. I need to soften it.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
In absolutely transparency. It could have just as likely been
me in that situation.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
No, no, no, this was me. Okay, what would you
like to talk about for my old do better tomorrow?
And our games night? On whatever night it was the
other night.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
So the other night we had a pretty quiet night.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
It's the only night that we've ever had a quiet night.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
Almost unheard of in our house. And we were all home,
and we had all finished dinner, and it wasn't bedtime.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
It was about seven thirty maybe seven forty. We usually
work towards an eight o'clock. Let's start shifting everyone off
to their bedrooms and calling it a night. I've done
the dishes with the kids, a little mini all in,
everyone's done their part, and then I say, what about
if we play a game? Now? Background here Number one.
(12:35):
I love to do all sorts of things with the kids.
I love to be outside I love to be active.
I love to do rough and tumble. I love to
throw balls, I love to play sports. I love to
read books. I love to do lots and lots and
lots of things with my kids. But the one thing
that I hate doing, I hate doing is playing games,
especially card games.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
I just have to interject here, who has brought the
majority of the game in our games go.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
I recognize the value of it. I just don't like
doing it. And you do a great job and you
enjoy it. But I thought, I thought, let's just have
a let's just play a quick card game, maybe maybe
fifteen minutes, twenty minutes, get us through to eight o'clock,
and we'll call it a night. This is a this
is me being a good dad. This is me doing
I'm taking a bullet for the team. I'm doing something
(13:21):
that everyone else likes to do, even though I don't
like to do it. And you go and pick a
game that I hate. Number one, I didn't know you
hate it, well, you do after the other night. And
number two, it's a game that you can't get through
in less than an hour an hour, But I didn't
know that. I knew that I hated the game. Because
it goes so long.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
Well is your time without children? And when they asked
me what game we were playing.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
I said five crowns, five crowns.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
And they said great, that's awesome.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
And I said my suggestion, whatever, let's do it. So
I said, the reason you hate this game because it
takes an hour?
Speaker 2 (13:57):
No, because you.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
Never pick up a while I never winning that.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
And the whole time you happen to sit in your
chair and grumble.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
And it got worse as the night got later because
I was tired. I've just started exercising again, and so
I get to about eight fifteen and I'm I'm comported.
I need to go to bed so I can get
up and exercise the next day. And that makes our
family really happy too. And what was.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
Funny, I actually think there was a little bit of
compensation going on, because the grumpier you got, the more
energetic and hyped up our children got.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
Until I finally looked at it and said, you are
all a lot.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
So our happy families Family games night, and did it.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
A little bit of because we were still playing the game.
We're still playing the game at nine pm. Let's have
a quick game before bed has turned into let's stay
up to midnight playing games. I'm losing the game. I
didn't just lose, I mean I got absolutely decimated. Every
single person beat me. I came. I didn't just come
dead last though point scoring game. I tripled the number
(15:02):
of points in the next closest person. This is keep
the points as low as you can. My points were
through the roof. I was cranky and in the end,
in the end, I kind of ruined the night. Everyone everyone.
Everyone went to bed with me, growling and cranky and
miserable and saying, go to bed, and this is stupid,
and I've had enough and we don't even say stupid
in our house, right, I.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
Was just stupid, idiot, jeez. So I'm laughing with you,
I promise.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what they'll do better tomorrow.
Is here, don't play games if you don't like playing games.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
No, I wanted to dissect it a little bit, because
I did say at the beginning this could have just
as easily been me, and I do have vivid memories
of times where I have been in exactly the same
space as you, not because I don't like games, but
what was actually going on for you internally? You said
that number one, you wanted to be a good dad.
I want to be a good dad, and you wanted
to spend time with the kids one hundred pc. But
(15:55):
what was your expectation of that night?
Speaker 1 (15:58):
And this is the critical thing, expectation versus experience. My
expectation was that we would sit down, play a fun
game for fifteen minutes. I would win, and then everyone
would go to bed, and you were.
Speaker 2 (16:10):
Looking forward to us being able to spend some time
together once the kids went to bed.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
I did expect that you and I were going to
get to spend some time together before we closed our
eyes and fell asleep. I just add funny, and.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
Here's the challenge. More times than not, when we have
a meltdown as an adult, it comes down to unmet expectations. Right.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
So I was tired, I wanted to have a quick game.
I want to spend time with you. I really wanted
to get some sleep, and I wanted to be asleep
by sort of nine o'clock and we're still playing five
prounds that I'm losing at nine o'clock.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Are you a bit of a loser?
Speaker 1 (16:51):
No, I'm not a slaw loser. I'm not a slaw
loser either except when I'm losing. Okay, So the take
home message because we need to wrap this up too long,
and now I'm thoroughly disappointed in myself all over again.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
Oh you want me to do the takeo message. I'll
do better tomorrow.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
I thought that it was okay. The take home message
is don't play games you can't win. The take home
message is don't play games if you don't like playing
games like stay in your wheelhouse, don't try to make
other people happy. No, I don't know what is the
take home message. This is your story. I'm making this up.
(17:31):
I need some help here, Gosh. I might be a
parenting expert, but sometimes sometimes we all have blind spots.
Help me out here. You're looking at me like you
don't have one.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
I actually think it's fair. If playing games actually frustrates
the heck out of you, then it's not the best
way for you to spend time with the kids.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
We should have done some rough and tumble on the
living room floor.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
You could have done that.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
No, we couldn't because the dog pood on the floor
and then one of the kids tried to clean it up,
and the carpet now has so much water and that
you can't lay on it for another three weeks and
so it's all dried out.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
You don't need to tell everybody every this.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
Has just been our week. Folks. Hey, I don't know
if this is a helpful take home message or not.
I don't know if that story was useful, you know
what the take home message. Even the guy that writes
the books and does the podcast and has the TV
show sometimes gets it really, really really wrong and makes
everyone cranky and they go to bed wishing that they
hadn't played games with dad.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
For me, the take home message is that when we
have unmat expectations, it's really hard to kind of claw back.
And so when we go into experiences, especially with our kid,
it's about being where your feet are, not worrying about
what's going to happen in half an hour, not worrying
about what's going to happen an hour, but just being
with them. And if they're enjoying themselves, then obviously you're
(18:47):
doing something right.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
You say that, but didn't get that time with you.
We both went to bed cranky one of those nights. Jeez,
we've gone way over time. We hope that you've stayed
with us. We hope that the Happy Families Podcast is
I don't know, helping you do better Tomorrow and we
will be back on Monday with an Olympic and Olympic
(19:09):
Gold Medal podcast. We're going to talk to you about
how you can raise Olympic level kids. Can't wait. The
Happy Families Podcast is produced by Justin Rowland from Bridge Media.
Have a great weekend and we look forward to being
with you again on Monday on the Happy Families Podcast.
It's the Happy Family's podcast. It's the podcast for the
time poor parent who just once answers me ow. We
look forward to Friday's on the podcast perhaps more than
any other day. Well, we like all the days, but
Friday is a particularly special day because we get to
play around with this thing called I'll Do Better Tomorrow.
(00:22):
If you're new to the podcast and haven't heard, a
couple of years ago, we came across a kid's book.
It was called I'll Do Better Tomorrow. And in this book,
we've got a mum who just, oh, my goodness, the
mum guilt. That's what you'd call it, isn't it just
the mum guilt? Gosh, I want to do this better.
In fact, I'm feeling a bit like that, just so
much going on, I just kind of want to lay
(00:44):
down on the couch and go ah. We've got a
kiddo who's moved into her very first house. We've got
another child who's about to come back from eighteen months
away in England. We've got kids that don't want to
give up bedrooms, and a million other things happening. A
child who's refusing to go to swimming lessons, another child
who's picked up a guitar and decided that that's the
(01:06):
instrument that she loves. After one lesson, we'll see how
long that lasts. And there's a million other things going on,
and it's a child.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
Who won't go to bed because she just got a
new drum kit.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
Oh my goodness, there's that one as well, trying to
get his kids. So just we didn't even have sticks.
We bought an electric drum kit on sale on Facebook, marketplace,
pick it up second or third hand or something, and
they didn't give us any drumsticks. So it's nine point
thirty at night. I'm like, go to bed, and we
can't hear the drums.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
Oh, I can hear the pitter pad, but.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
You can hear the just on the electric dum kit.
You can just hear the soft, soft tapping away. And
we're like, oh, go to bed, and she's like, no,
I don't want to anyway. I'll do better tomorrow. As
where we reflect on the chaos and the absolute nuts
nature of what we try to do in our families
and make it better. Hey, before we do it, before
we do it. Every now and again, we like to
(01:55):
share news, and sometimes it's your news, not our news,
got a couple of emails that need to be acknowledged.
I just I got an email from someone I didn't
take note of their name, and I'm feeling so guilty
about it. You should, I know, I should take note
of their name or I should feel guilty. Oh, thank you, Hi,
Justin and Kylie. I loved listening to your recent podcast
Number Oney twenty six. Oh this was a couple of
(02:17):
weeks ago. I was also supposed to read it out
last week and the week before, but I keep forgetting
so much going on. This mom says. My husband and
I have six children, five girls and one boy. In
addition to helpful words and actions, what brings our connection
close with our children is scheduled special nights and special breakfasts.
Every month on the number of our kids' birthday, I
(02:40):
let them stay up and do an activity with me alone,
baking or looking through baby photos, playing games, et cetera.
All the kids want their special time. They're very respectful
to allow the one on one time for their siblings.
Special night that was following up number one zero two
six episode one zero two six, where we talked about
making time for your kids and just a really nice email.
People are doing this stuff and it's working.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
I really like that idea.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
Where are we going to fit that in the idea?
Speaker 2 (03:04):
No. I love how they've actually worked it out. You know,
in the past, we've done things like that and it
becomes our saturdays, whereas they've kind of go, Okay, my
daughter is born on the sixth, so each sixth of
the month, I'm going to spend time with it.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
I love it.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
Yeah, it's kind of like a birthday anniversary or type thing.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
I love the framing of that. This one came through
from Valentina Novak. I did take note of Valentine this name.
I'm so sorry to our first one who wrote. I
feel even worse now because I know, Valentina, you are
not just healing our children, but healing all parents and
validating their instincts to be kind of their offspring. You're
also educating the society at large, a huge gift of humanity.
For so long, society told parents to quote unquote discipline
(03:43):
their kids if the child merely acted how biology intended.
It resulted in generations upon generations growing up with mental
health issues and broken hearts. It's such a gift of
humanity to have experts such as yourself, dismantling myths about
childhood behaviors and normalizing what is biologically normal, as well
as equipping parents with strategies to nurture their children into
(04:04):
adulthood so they become kind, confident, and self actualized individuals
who can make great contributions to society. Your expertise in
valuable as a mum to two beautiful and very kind children.
I thank you. What a nice email.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
Oh thank you, Valentina.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
Yeah, we don't get enough of those. Yeah, I think
we deserve more. I'm begging. I mean, I'm really fishing here.
In all seriousness, if you haven't done this yet and
you listen to the podcast, can you jump onto Apple
Podcasts or Spotify wherever you listen and leave one of
those what do they call them? Oh, that's right, a
rating and a review. Let us know what you think,
(04:40):
preferably a five star rating and review. They're the ones
that we love, We love, but we would just we
would love to hear from you and love to get them.
Speaking of, we did just receive one a couple of
weeks ago that we haven't read out. Nice and quick
one comes from someone who just said I'm still a mum.
As a mum to four kids six to twelve and
a primary school teacher working full time, I find the
(05:01):
podcast entertaining, insightful and educational. I'm definitely time poor and
love that I can squeeze in some episodes while completing
some kilometers on the treadmill. Thanks for the episodes, Okay,
thank you for the five star review. Apple Podcasts or
Spotify wherever you're getting your pods, we would love love
to hear from you. Let's get onto it. I'll do
better tomorrow your first.
Speaker 2 (05:19):
I've been thinking about my very overscheduled week. It's been nuts,
been nuts, and one of the highlights was painting beside
our daughter and her husband after they got the keys
to their new home recently. And as I was thinking
(05:40):
about that and just thinking about this process, what I
have loved as we have grown this child into this
beautiful human being, is that we have set this example
of what service looks like and have had a willingness
to help others when we have the capacity to. And
(06:02):
as a result, we have now cultivated this beautiful reciprocal
relationship of service. And so while I was away recently,
Channell stepped in and kind of played mum for her
little sister because I couldn't be there.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
She really helped out, especially when I had to do
some travel.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
She was amazing and watching her grow as a mother
as a result. She actually shared with me the other day.
She was out at a cafe with a friend and
her little baby, Indy. She's eleven months now, and she'd
crawled away and Chanelle kind of let her go for
a little bit and she was watching her and then
finally realized, you know, she wasn't coming back, so she
(06:40):
went up, kind of grabbed her by the pants and
kind of poisted her up and kind of carried her
back in that crawl, you know, like she's a shopping
bag kind of thing, and put her down next to
where they were sitting. Perfect And one of the other
moms looked up and she was like, that's clearly not
your first child, and she I was like, actually it is.
She was like, I would never have done that with
(07:00):
my first child. She said, I'm on my fourth, and yeah,
he gets that all the time. She says, like, holy smoke.
She's like, yeah, I'm one of six. I've had lots
of practice. This isn't new to me. But I just
I love watching her grow and become this beautiful mum.
And to be able to have those experiences where we
(07:21):
can reciprocate in our capacity to help one another, I know.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
Where this is going is so joyful. Yep.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
And the reciprocation where I mean, we've done lots for them,
but the major reciprocationnem just recently.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
Was we painted their house.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
It's so funny days of painting. It was so funny
and I loved watching.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
Them the joy on their faces as they got paint
everywhere and you know, made a mess of it, but
it's theirs and they're so excited about it, and it
was just a really joyful experience to share together.
Speaker 1 (07:52):
They've worked so hard and without relying on the bank
of mum and Dad, they've been able to buy a
place in their mid twenties. Like we just we're so
excited for them, so proud of them. And this is
the thing about resilience, right, This is the thing about life.
When you do hard things, you feel awesome about you.
And we've supported them and helped them how a we can.
But they're the ones that have done the hard yards.
(08:13):
They're the ones that have done it can I make
this about me for a sec because I do like
to do that every now and again. I was holding
a paintbrush. I was painting. I painted for an entire Saturday,
and everyone, everybody who walked into the house, and it
was a bit of a revolving door that day. As
people were coming to say congratulations and just sticky be
can see what was going on. Every single person that
walked and said, well, Justin's painting. I thought he just
(08:36):
stood in front of people and told them stories about
raising kids.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
Well they look at your hands, honey, they're pretty so
Justin's painting.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
And I did a really good job.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
It was got the inside of the covering.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
I got insulted. Someone said, oh yeah, they give the
tot of the comes to people when they don't trust
their painting, right, And I did such a good job.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
You did such a good job that went had sent
a video of an update to one of his mates.
I thought he must have given him a dialogue. There
was nothing.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
It's literally the videos just to walk through of the house.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
Walk through of the house, and the first thing his
mate said, look at those covers.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
I got skills. I got skills. Anyway, the take home
message here.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
Is cultivating a relationship based on service is so rewarding
because the conversations you get to have as you work
side by side are so organic and real.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
There's another takeout message that you haven't mentioned, and it's
a hopeful one for any parent who is raising a
toddler or a teenager or a teenager and thinking, I'm
not sure if I like this kid right now? So
hard it gets awesome. It gets awesome if you cultivate
that relationship, if you continue to be patient and compassionate
(09:53):
and charitable, and continue to have a service orientation towards
your kids. Yes, you've got to have boundaries and limits.
Yes you've got to have some tough talks. This is
not about rolling over and being permissive and letting them
have whatever they want.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
And it's also not about doing everything for them.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
Of course, absolutely absolutely critical that we don't do that.
But it's also what it's really about is saying, even
when things are hard, and even when we act like
we don't like each other very much, you need to
know I love you no matter what. I'm here for
you no matter what. And now that we've got our
realist thought to being in her mid twenties and buying
a house. This relationship is it's pure delight. There is
(10:28):
so much hope and so much goodness for any parent
who's thinking, I don't know if I can keep doing it,
keep doing it, keep doing it.
Speaker 2 (10:35):
As a seventeen year old, I didn't think we'd ever
talk again. Like there is challenge in all relationships, but
just the hopeful message is keep going okay, because over
time you'll reap the benefits.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
Love it. It's my turn.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
So I'm kind of going to put you in the
hot seat.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
When you say of you're saying you're in the hot seat,
You're in the hot seat. I don't like where this
is going. I wanted to talk about my grandfather's funeral
and you don't want to talk about that.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
Well, if you really want to talk about that, you can.
Speaker 1 (11:11):
Where do you want to put us?
Speaker 2 (11:13):
I wanted to talk and kind of dissect our games
night the other day.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
Oh no, oh okay, So before you do this, I
just need to emphasize that just because I've written a
lot of parenting books and do this podcast, it doesn't
mean that I get everything right and my intentions were good. Okay, okay,
all right, okay, so who's just o'd do better tomorrow?
Is is this mine or is this yours?
Speaker 2 (11:36):
Well, hopefully you'll get some learning out of it.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
I've had the learning, but let's make it public because
you've gone there. No, it looks and if we've got time,
I need to talk. I need to soften it.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
In absolutely transparency. It could have just as likely been
me in that situation.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
No, no, no, this was me. Okay, what would you
like to talk about for my old do better tomorrow?
And our games night? On whatever night it was the
other night.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
So the other night we had a pretty quiet night.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
It's the only night that we've ever had a quiet night.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
Almost unheard of in our house. And we were all home,
and we had all finished dinner, and it wasn't bedtime.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
It was about seven thirty maybe seven forty. We usually
work towards an eight o'clock. Let's start shifting everyone off
to their bedrooms and calling it a night. I've done
the dishes with the kids, a little mini all in,
everyone's done their part, and then I say, what about
if we play a game? Now? Background here Number one.
(12:35):
I love to do all sorts of things with the kids.
I love to be outside I love to be active.
I love to do rough and tumble. I love to
throw balls, I love to play sports. I love to
read books. I love to do lots and lots and
lots of things with my kids. But the one thing
that I hate doing, I hate doing is playing games,
especially card games.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
I just have to interject here, who has brought the
majority of the game in our games go.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
I recognize the value of it. I just don't like
doing it. And you do a great job and you
enjoy it. But I thought, I thought, let's just have
a let's just play a quick card game, maybe maybe
fifteen minutes, twenty minutes, get us through to eight o'clock,
and we'll call it a night. This is a this
is me being a good dad. This is me doing
I'm taking a bullet for the team. I'm doing something
(13:21):
that everyone else likes to do, even though I don't
like to do it. And you go and pick a
game that I hate. Number one, I didn't know you
hate it, well, you do after the other night. And
number two, it's a game that you can't get through
in less than an hour an hour, But I didn't
know that. I knew that I hated the game. Because
it goes so long.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
Well is your time without children? And when they asked
me what game we were playing.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
I said five crowns, five crowns.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
And they said great, that's awesome.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
And I said my suggestion, whatever, let's do it. So
I said, the reason you hate this game because it
takes an hour?
Speaker 2 (13:57):
No, because you.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
Never pick up a while I never winning that.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
And the whole time you happen to sit in your
chair and grumble.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
And it got worse as the night got later because
I was tired. I've just started exercising again, and so
I get to about eight fifteen and I'm I'm comported.
I need to go to bed so I can get
up and exercise the next day. And that makes our
family really happy too. And what was.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
Funny, I actually think there was a little bit of
compensation going on, because the grumpier you got, the more
energetic and hyped up our children got.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
Until I finally looked at it and said, you are
all a lot.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
So our happy families Family games night, and did it.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
A little bit of because we were still playing the game.
We're still playing the game at nine pm. Let's have
a quick game before bed has turned into let's stay
up to midnight playing games. I'm losing the game. I
didn't just lose, I mean I got absolutely decimated. Every
single person beat me. I came. I didn't just come
dead last though point scoring game. I tripled the number
(15:02):
of points in the next closest person. This is keep
the points as low as you can. My points were
through the roof. I was cranky and in the end,
in the end, I kind of ruined the night. Everyone everyone.
Everyone went to bed with me, growling and cranky and
miserable and saying, go to bed, and this is stupid,
and I've had enough and we don't even say stupid
in our house, right, I.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
Was just stupid, idiot, jeez. So I'm laughing with you,
I promise.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what they'll do better tomorrow.
Is here, don't play games if you don't like playing games.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
No, I wanted to dissect it a little bit, because
I did say at the beginning this could have just
as easily been me, and I do have vivid memories
of times where I have been in exactly the same
space as you, not because I don't like games, but
what was actually going on for you internally? You said
that number one, you wanted to be a good dad.
I want to be a good dad, and you wanted
to spend time with the kids one hundred pc. But
(15:55):
what was your expectation of that night?
Speaker 1 (15:58):
And this is the critical thing, expectation versus experience. My
expectation was that we would sit down, play a fun
game for fifteen minutes. I would win, and then everyone
would go to bed, and you were.
Speaker 2 (16:10):
Looking forward to us being able to spend some time
together once the kids went to bed.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
I did expect that you and I were going to
get to spend some time together before we closed our
eyes and fell asleep. I just add funny, and.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
Here's the challenge. More times than not, when we have
a meltdown as an adult, it comes down to unmet expectations. Right.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
So I was tired, I wanted to have a quick game.
I want to spend time with you. I really wanted
to get some sleep, and I wanted to be asleep
by sort of nine o'clock and we're still playing five
prounds that I'm losing at nine o'clock.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Are you a bit of a loser?
Speaker 1 (16:51):
No, I'm not a slaw loser. I'm not a slaw
loser either except when I'm losing. Okay, So the take
home message because we need to wrap this up too long,
and now I'm thoroughly disappointed in myself all over again.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
Oh you want me to do the takeo message. I'll
do better tomorrow.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
I thought that it was okay. The take home message
is don't play games you can't win. The take home
message is don't play games if you don't like playing
games like stay in your wheelhouse, don't try to make
other people happy. No, I don't know what is the
take home message. This is your story. I'm making this up.
(17:31):
I need some help here, Gosh. I might be a
parenting expert, but sometimes sometimes we all have blind spots.
Help me out here. You're looking at me like you
don't have one.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
I actually think it's fair. If playing games actually frustrates
the heck out of you, then it's not the best
way for you to spend time with the kids.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
We should have done some rough and tumble on the
living room floor.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
You could have done that.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
No, we couldn't because the dog pood on the floor
and then one of the kids tried to clean it up,
and the carpet now has so much water and that
you can't lay on it for another three weeks and
so it's all dried out.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
You don't need to tell everybody every this.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
Has just been our week. Folks. Hey, I don't know
if this is a helpful take home message or not.
I don't know if that story was useful, you know
what the take home message. Even the guy that writes
the books and does the podcast and has the TV
show sometimes gets it really, really really wrong and makes
everyone cranky and they go to bed wishing that they
hadn't played games with dad.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
For me, the take home message is that when we
have unmat expectations, it's really hard to kind of claw back.
And so when we go into experiences, especially with our kid,
it's about being where your feet are, not worrying about
what's going to happen in half an hour, not worrying
about what's going to happen an hour, but just being
with them. And if they're enjoying themselves, then obviously you're
(18:47):
doing something right.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
You say that, but didn't get that time with you.
We both went to bed cranky one of those nights. Jeez,
we've gone way over time. We hope that you've stayed
with us. We hope that the Happy Families Podcast is
I don't know, helping you do better Tomorrow and we
will be back on Monday with an Olympic and Olympic
(19:09):
Gold Medal podcast. We're going to talk to you about
how you can raise Olympic level kids. Can't wait. The
Happy Families Podcast is produced by Justin Rowland from Bridge Media.
Have a great weekend and we look forward to being
with you again on Monday on the Happy Families Podcast.
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