#1178 - Two People Who Can Change Your Child's School Life

When kids feel they belong at school, the benefits last up to 10 years into their future. Drawing from groundbreaking Monash University research, discover why school belonging trumps academic success for long-term wellbeing, and learn the two key relationships that can transform your child's school experience. Plus, get practical strategies to help your child build stronger school connections, even if they're struggling to fit in.

Quote of the Episode: "Those children who felt a strong sense of belonging in high school experienced fewer mental health challenges in their 20s."

Key Insights:

• School belonging impacts mental health well into the mid-20s
• Two key factors: one supportive adult and one friend at school
• Strong school belonging leads to better engagement and motivation
• Social connections act as a resource that helps accumulate more positive relationships
• Belonging increases resilience and ability to cope with stress
• Effects persist even when controlling for academic performance
• Parent involvement can significantly impact school belonging
• The impact goes beyond immediate happiness to long-term wellbeing

Resources Mentioned:

• Monash University research study
• Associate Professor Kellyanne Allen's work
• US research on school belonging
• Happy Families

Action Steps for Parents:

1. Partner with the School
• Open communication with teachers
• Advocate through school counsellors
• Support school initiatives and volunteer when possible
2. Nurture Connections at Home
• Provide emotional support
• Help develop social skills
• Create opportunities for friendship building
3. Champion Their Interests
• Encourage exploration of passions
• Celebrate strengths
• Support age-appropriate autonomy

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:06):
If your child feels like they belong at school, they
do better. They do better not just at school, but
in life for up to ten years later. Today what
school belonging is and how you can create it. Hello
and welcome to the Happy Families podcast, Real parenting Solutions

(00:26):
every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. My name
is doctor Justin Colson. I'm an author of I don't
know like nine books, working on my tenth book at
the Moment about raising boys, the co host and parenting
expert on Channel nine's hit TV show Parental Guidance, and
dad to six daughters and one grand baby. Normally I'd
be doing the podcast with Kylie, my wife missus Happy Families,

(00:48):
but unfortunately today she's not well and has said you're
on your own, get it done. I'll try to be
back tomorrow, so fingers crossed for Kylie. I'm sure she'll
get better soon. So we all want our children to
be happy, we want them to be successful at school.
Unfortunately that's not the case for too many of our kids.

(01:08):
For me, primary school was joy but high school were
probably the worst six years of my life. Really, no
positive memories at all of school except when I did
well at the swimming carnival, it was tough. It was
tough socially, it was tough academically. I just wasn't motivated
to be there at all. My parents were paying a
lot of money, they were focused on my grades. They
wanted me to have great friends, They wanted to boost
me up and enrich my life with extra curricular activities,

(01:31):
and it, well, the bottom fell out. It just didn't work. Though.
What if I told you that one of the most
important factors for what my well being could have been
at school and what your child's well being could be
now at school, for both now and into the future,
is their sense of belonging. So recent research from Monash
University has shed light on this profoundly impactful idea of

(01:54):
school belonging on both short term and long term mental
health as well as school success that I've had on
the podcast recently. Associate Professor Kelly and Allen was the
lead researcher here, and I want to step you through
some of this research because it really is eye opening.
They followed over fifteen hundred individuals from adolescents so notice
this is high school kids, not primary school kids, through

(02:17):
to adulthood. They looked at the link between their feelings
of connection while they were at school and their mental
wellbeing later in life, and here's what they found. Those
children who felt a strong sense of belonging in high
school experienced fewer mental health challenges in their twenties. Let
me say that again. You feel like you're connected, you

(02:38):
feel like you belong, feel like you're part of the community,
You're contributing and receiving nicely and in the right way
from the school, and you have better mental health fewer
mental health challenges in your mid to late twenties. Fascinatingly,
this connection was evident even when they controlled for or
accounted for statistically other factors like how well you did

(03:00):
academically and the quality of your family relationships. In other words,
when you feel like you fit in, that you matter,
that you're part of the school community, that has a
lasting positive impact on your mental health. In fact, some
research from the United States highlights that if your kids
can show up at school and just have two things,

(03:21):
just two things, it will build school belonging. Number One,
an adult that they're excited to see and who is
excited to see them. I remember, for our eldest daughter.
That was mister Cotter. Mister Cotter was a science teacher
at Woollongong Performing Arts High School, and our eldest daughter
she was really struggling at school. She was struggling socially.
She didn't like it there. It was hard work. And

(03:43):
then she went into grade eight and met mister Cotter,
and all of a sudden life changed. She couldn't wait
to go to school on days when mister Cotter was
going to be teaching science. Previous to that, she'd also
hated science. But one adult who delights in your child
and who your child finds great joy in, Oh my goodness,
and please I don't need all the whole of it.
This sounds really sinister. I'm talking about innocent, beautiful, high quality,

(04:06):
positive relationships between a teacher or another adult and your child.
It does happen, and you don't have to. I mean,
there are so many bad examples of it, but there
are also millions more positive examples. So please don't go
to dark places here. I'm talking about wholesome and positive
and uplifting and hopeful relationships. If your child walks in

(04:27):
the school gate and there is one significant adult at
school that they're excited to see and who is excited
to see them. Oh, that's half the battle, and that
promotes school belonging. The second critical relationship is having a friend,
somebody who sees your child walk through the school gates
and says, hey, come sit with me, or who says, hey,
what happened last night or what are you doing this?

(04:49):
Just just that one person. Unfortunately for Chanel in that
particular school environment, she didn't have that. It was really
challenging for her. But we gave her a a trial
day at a private school down the road, and when
she went in there she found the teachers delightful. But
she also had one or two friends who actually they

(05:09):
weren't initially friends. They were just people who met her
and said, hey, you're a new girl, come sit with us.
We would love to get to know you. We think
you'd fit right in here. And that led to what
ultimately was a very very happy school experience for our
eldest daughter. The idea of school belonging if there can
just be two people, a friend and an adult who

(05:32):
can make your kids feel amazing, that's when they know
that they belong at school. After the break on the
happy family's podcast, Why school belonging matters so much and
how we as parents can foster that sense of belonging
for how the children. We're talking about school belonging and

(05:54):
how our kids can thrive both at school and later
on in life for up to ten years when it
comes to mental health and well being if they feel
like they've got a good level of school belonging. So
when children feel like they belong at school, when they
feel like they're welcomed and valued and supported, here's what
research shows. They're much more likely to engage in learning,
the more motivated, them more attentive, the more eager to

(06:14):
participate in classroom activities. They develop more positive relationships. I mean,
this is a social resource, and when you've got that
social resource, it makes it easy to accumulate more of it.
They tend to feel more comfortable interacting with peers and teachers.
They foster friendships and a sense of community. I was
talking to a young man just the other day and
he was struggling not in a school environment, but in

(06:35):
a church environment. Same same though really in terms of
seeing these people frequently and having good relationships. He was
struggling to form a connection with just one person who
would say, hey, come sit with us. We're really glad
you hear. And so he was looking to head to
a different place for church and for his spiritual fulfillment.
Why because he wasn't having the comfortable, positive interactions with

(06:57):
his peers that he needed, and therefore he did not
feel the sense of community, and therefore he didn't feel
that he belonged, and therefore he wanted to go somewhere else.
The research also shows a higher propensity of capacity to
cope with stress because the support system is there to
turn to when academic or social challenges arise, and there's
more resilience in kids who feel like they belong at school.
They just they feel like they're worth something and they've

(07:18):
got the confidence to navigate lives ups and downs. So
how do we foster this sense of belonging, particularly if
we've got a child who does not feel like they
belong at school? What if this is not working? What
if your kids are saying I don't belong It doesn't
feel good for me at all. I'm going to share
with you what I think are three suggestions that can
make a big difference. These are calls to action for

(07:39):
you as a parent. These are literally action steps to
help your child to feel like they belong, particularly if
they don't. The first is partnering with the school, and
there are two. Actually, I think there are three ways
you can do it. At number one, you can open
up communication with the school, so connect with your child's teachers.
Don't walk in there with all guns blazing and say
my child doesn't feel like they belong. You're doing it wrong.

(08:02):
I want to see change. Like partnering means we sit
down with our child's teacher and we say, I'm noticing
something at home. What are you seeing? How can we
work together to help my child feel like they belong
because we know that this will make a difference. So
this means a gentle and polite email, maybe having a meeting,
attend school events, show up at the parent teacher meetings,

(08:24):
be an active participant in your child's life. That's how
you partner with the school. With that open communication, I
think in harmony with that. The second thing to emphasize
is how we can advocate. That means that we don't
hesitate to reach out the school counselor or other support stuff.
Too many parents are too slow. They don't want to
look like they're being an impediment. I know that the

(08:44):
helicopter parent sort of what is it that the example
of the helicopter parent is that they're in the teachers
or the school's face all the time. Yes, there are
some of those parents, but overwhelmingly, my experience has been
that parents are reluctant to step forward. They're hesitant to
do so. And the third thing in terms of partnering
with the school is support the schools and initiatives like

(09:05):
get involved in school activities and events that are going
to promote that sense of community and belonging. Get to
know what's going on at the school, Volunteer for tuch shop,
or volunteer to help out on cross country day, or
just be useful around the place. If you've got the capacity,
it makes a huge difference. All right, that's the first
one partnering with the school. Second idea that I want
to share is just how you can nurture connections at home,

(09:26):
having family time, providing emotional support, helping your kids to
develop strong social skills by getting them to engage in
activities that are going to foster friendships outside of school.
Those the kinds of things that are going to help
them to be more socially competent and capable when they
show up at school. And the third thing is champion

(09:49):
their interests. Okay, so we're not just advocating for them
at school. We're not just trying to nurture connections at home.
We're championing their interests by encouraging them to explore those
interests and passions, those extra curricular activities or things at school.
We're celebrating their strengths and looking at what they're doing
well and just getting them the confidence to keep doing it.

(10:11):
And where we can, we're promoting and fostering and centralizing
autonomy in their life, which means giving them major, appropriate
choices and responsibilities and letting them make decisions and experience
the consequences of those decisions when they make choices that
aren't necessarily the best choices within safe boundaries. Of course,
here's the bottom line. School belonging is not just about

(10:33):
feeling happy and comfortable in the classroom, although that's a
big part of it. It's a crucial ingredient for long
term mental health and well being. And if we can
partner with the school and nurture connections at home and
really elevate our kids' interests and support them as they
seek to become increasingly confident and comfortable and able. They

(10:55):
become more confident themselves and build a stronger foundation for making.
It all sound sickly sweet and saccherin, but they built
a stronger foundation for a happier life. They like. The
outcomes are there, The research outcomes are there. Help your
kids to belong at school to the very best that
you can, and, like I said, partner with the school
as much as it's reasonable to do it. I hope

(11:15):
this has been useful. If you would like more information,
check out the idea of school belonging on any of
the social media platforms, or just google it and talk
to the school about it. It will make a difference
in your children's lives. The Happy Family's podcast is produced
by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. So I hope Kylie's
back tomorrow. It's just more fun with Kylie, isn't it.
Otherwise I just sound like I'm this guy telling you

(11:37):
what to do. I'm so sorry. Anyway, if you'd like
more information and more resources to make family happy, to
check out the show notes. We'll link to some stuff
about school belonging. They're obviously happy families, dot com, dot a,
you