April 27, 2025 • 15 mins
Justin and Kylie reflect on a broken promise many families made during COVID — to never return to the rushed, overscheduled lives we previously lived. They explore the concept of "Hurried Child Syndrome," first introduced by Dr. David Elkind, and discuss the troubling impacts of pushing children to grow up too fast. With honesty and humor, they offer practical insights and three powerful strategies to help families slow down and reclaim childhood.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:
"The number one way to unhurry childhood is to literally slow it down so the kids can be playing — especially with other kids, especially in unstructured activities."
KEY INSIGHTS FOR PARENTS:
-
Hurried Childhood Defined: Accelerated academics, overscheduling, early exposure to adult issues, and perfectionist pressures can rob children of their childhood.
-
Mental Health Impact: Being hurried can lead to anxiety, depression, low resilience, and feelings of unworthiness.
-
The Competitive Parenting Trap: Fear of children falling behind — academically or socially — often drives overscheduling.
-
Unstructured Play is Crucial: It builds cognitive, social, and emotional development and is one of the best antidotes to a hurried life.
-
Support, Don’t Script, Their Dreams: Children thrive when they pursue self-determined goals — not the aspirations imposed by well-meaning parents.
-
Balance is Everything: A well-paced schedule with space for rest and connection supports wellbeing for both kids and parents.
RESOURCES MENTIONED:
-
Dr. David Elkind's research on Hurried Child Syndrome
-
Interview with Olympic swimmer Emma McKeon (available on a previous Happy Families Podcast episode)
-
The book “Parental Guidance” (referenced in Season 1)
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:
-
Prioritise Play: Make time for unstructured, child-led play — ideally with other children and without adult direction.
-
Let Kids Lead: Encourage your children to set their own goals based on their passions and strengths.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
A few years ago, we made a promise and pretty
much everybody that Kylie and I know has broken that promise.
Promise to our families that hasn't quite played out the
way we thought that it would. Today we unpacked that
promise and explore why your child feels hurried.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
I'm a laughing at I'm looking.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
At the notes that you've passed across the dable here
and I was trying to work out why we were
talking about curried children.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Show me the notes.
Speaker 3 (00:37):
Well, I've changed it now.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
That doesn't look like, Oh I am a doctor.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Doctors can't. I'm not that kind of doctor.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
But I'm gonna Welcome to the Happy Family's podcast, Real
Parenting Solutions every Day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast
were when You're we adjustin and Kylie Coulson and today
we are not talking about curried child syndrome. That sounds really,
really damagingly bad. That sounds cannibalistic. So they were talking
about hurried child syndrome, the broken promise.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Let's talk about that.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
During COVID, everyone said, my goodness, as much as we
recognize that COVID has brought with it many hardships we
like slow life. I mean that was the overwhelming conversation
that everyone was having. It's so nice to not have
to be driving everywhere doing so much.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
Life is good.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
We're never going back to our overscheduled lives, said every family,
and even.
Speaker 3 (01:31):
From a connection point of view, while we missed connection,
I think sometimes there is so much connection in our
lives that it was really nice to take a back
seat with all of that.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Yeah, you not have to.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
Not everybody feels the same way about COVID, but most
people that we've spoken to have said it was so
so nice. Unfortunately, we have pretty much all broken the
promise we've all gone back to.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
Research shows that parents.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Are more stressed, burnt out, worried, anxious than ever before.
Kids are following suit. Kids' mental health is declining. They're
not doing as well because at least in part, there
is so much going on.
Speaker 3 (02:10):
So a little bit of a sidetrack. But I'm wondering
whether or not everybody felt like that about COVID, because
it's kind of like a holiday, right, you get to
have a break from your real life. But the reality
is you wouldn't actually choose to live.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Like that forever.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
I don't know, we've made an intentional decision to try,
and for the last couple of years we've been homeschooling
well two kids and then and now just one child, and.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
I feel like we got a lot.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
Well maybe you and I haven't, because we are still
extremely busy, but our daughter is unhurried. So our homeschooling
daughter has slowed her life for right down and we've
seen commensurate with that an increase in well being, confidence, resilience,
this delightful child who was really going downhill before we
made the call to do it. Not that today's podcast
(02:59):
is an advertisement for homeschooling, that's not what it's about,
but rather slowing things down.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
Let me tell you about hurried child syndrome.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
There's a guy called Dr David Elkind, and he came
up with the concept quite a long time ago. Key
characteristics kids being pushed to behave like many adults, Accelerated
academic expectations, overscheduled activity calendars, exposure, early exposure to adult issues.
So kids are growing up way too fast, often because
(03:28):
parents aren't present and kids are on screens or doing
a whole lot of things that we're not around to
help them to stretch out and slow down their childhoods, and.
Speaker 3 (03:37):
I guess the flow and effect of that is that
they start behaving like little adults.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
Yeah, that's right, which kind of works out reasonably well
for us, because the less we have to supervise them,
the happier we are, because we've got so much going
on ourselves, because we're so hurried and flustered. But the
little bit of research that I've been able to scrounge
up around this highlights that if our children are experiencing
a hurried childhood, and it's not just about being busy,
(04:02):
it's about early exposure, it's about high expectations. You've got
to be a little adult because you're walking and talking
and we can communicate now. Physical and mental health impacts,
sleep deprivation or eating habits, anxiety, depression.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
Less resilience.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
The one that worries me the most that I found
was feeling unworthy when failing to meet expectations. In other words,
a hurried childhood can make children feel like they're supposed
to be perfect, and perfectionism is perhaps one of the
most damaging forms of anxiety.
Speaker 3 (04:33):
You think about the comparison trap that nearly the entire
human race falls into, at some point. And if you
have children comparing their capacity, their achievements, their talents, their
strengths against adults and the adult world, there's no competition.
(04:53):
Of course, the adults are going to be better at
those things. It's a really really tricky place for a
child to be.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
And they're not just comparing themselves upwards, they're comparing themselves
sideways as well. And I think this is part of
the reason we've returned to the rush, because when our
child's not doing so well, they feel like they're failing,
but we also feel like we're failing. And when our
child has lots of successes, we feel like we're winning,
like we're great parents because our children are doing well
as well. I want to talk about why we return
to the rush, and I reckon it's partly because there's
(05:24):
this competitive parenting culture that's only accelerating. I don't think
that it existed nearly the way that it does today,
even ten or fifteen years ago.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
I feel as though.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
There is this competitive parenting culture that I'm seeing when
I'm in and out of schools and in and out
of workplaces and giving talks. Parents really really really understandably
want their children to fulfill their potential.
Speaker 3 (05:46):
And it starts as babies.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
Of course it does, because the conversations are, well, my
child's doing this earlier than yours, my child's walking, my
child's making sounds with their mouths. Whatever it is, it's
not fair on parents. It's not fair on the kids.
We're really concerned about our kids falling behind academically or socially. Again,
not fair, not healthy. I'll tell you why. Because schools
are not the best environments for everybody to be learning,
(06:09):
and some kids just hate it. There doesn't mean that
they can't live successful lives. I fail at high school,
like I scored on the bottom fifteen percent of the state.
We've got a PhD, I've written ten books, I've got
a TV show in Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We
know at least three people who essentially failed high school
and then went on to become medical doctors. Like they
(06:32):
managed to get back into UNI when they're in their
mid twenties or early thirties and now they're practicing doctors.
And it's got nothing to do with intelligence. Failing school
it's got everything to do with motivation. This is not
an ability thing. The addictive nature of business is a
status symbol. I think that we're doing all of these things,
and again not to push the homeschool barrow too hard,
(06:53):
but by making the choice to homeschool our kids, we
kind of stepped out of all of that. There's no
competition from a parenting point of view. There's no worry
about falling behind academically or socially because you just teach
your kids at home and they work it out, and
if they don't, you come back to the lesson again
tomorrow and you just keep doing the same less until
they've got it. It changes the game and it slows
down their childhood. After the break, we're going to share
(07:14):
three solutions that can help you to slow childhood down
and remove the hurried child syndrome from your child's life.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
Okay, Kylie. Three things.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
We've chewed up a lot of time already, so we're
going to go through these fairly quickly. Three things that
we can do to help our children feel less hurried
in their lives. Let's kick it off.
Speaker 3 (07:42):
The first one is my favorite. It's play. This is
really tricky for lots of parents because we grew up
with parents who did not play with us and Therefore,
it feels foreign for parents specifically to get involved with
their child's play, facilitating opportunities for our children to have
(08:03):
free play, no structure, no outcomes, just be able to
be kids.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
So this is you talk about hurried child. Now I'm
going to step into hurried adult. No one's got time,
especially if you're working in a family where either you're
a single parent so you're doing it all, or you're
in a double income family where both parents are working
full time. Because to really play in an unstructured way
requires the one thing that nobody has time time. Yeah,
(08:29):
you've got to be able to go down to the
park and sit at the bench or sit on a
rug and let the kids play with their friends. That
means other families also need to have the time to
show up at the park with you and let the
kids go for it. And I'm talking kids from the
age of eighteen months up to eighteen years. And if
it's not the park, maybe it's the beach, or maybe
it's the wherever you're just going and doing things where
(08:51):
you sit and the children explore they play. Three benefits
to play that need to be hammered home, like really
really clearly ham at home.
Speaker 2 (09:00):
Number one the cognitive development.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
When children play in an open ended, unstructured way, they
have to solve problems.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
They have to be creative.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
They come up with stuff and then they start to
solve problems. They also have to get involved in really
important socially.
Speaker 2 (09:15):
What's the word I'm looking for.
Speaker 3 (09:16):
It's negotiation, it's communication, it's collaboration. Like there is so
much going on from a social point of view when
our kids come together, and sometimes we shy away from
it because it's like I don't want to have to
deal with the drama. But we we actually don't have
to deal with the drama. We have to allow the kids'
space to work through this.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
And the third one is emotional development. This is where
they learn to express their feelings in safe ways. They
learn to understand other people's feelings, They learn to take perspectives,
they understand empathy, They develop coping mechanisms because things don't
always go their way that they would like them to.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Go play play play play, play play play.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
The number one way to unhurry childhood is to literally
slow it down so the kids can be playing a
specially with other kids, especially in unstructured activities.
Speaker 3 (10:04):
Number two is about keeping our feet on the ground.
It's really great to have goals, aspirations and desires for
our children, but when it comes to the goals that
we would set for our children specifically and the future
that they might live, I think the key to this
(10:25):
is it's not our goal, it's our kid's goal, and
so working with them and helping them to tap into
what's important to them, what are their strengths, what are
the things that light them up, and moving forward in
a positive trajectory in that way will make such a difference.
Too many children are left feeling like I really want
(10:48):
to be an artist, but my mum and dad want
me to be a lawyer and I can't disappoint them.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
One of my favorite interviews ever on the Happy Families
podcast was with Emma McKean, Australia's most decorated Olympic medal.
Her father was a Commonwealth swimmer, a common Wealth Games medallist.
Her parents owned a swim school, her mum was also
a swimmer, so she's grown up in and her brother
was also a swimmer, so she's grown up in this
environment where swimming, swimming and swimming. And when I talked
(11:15):
to her, I said like, how did that go for you?
And she said, my parents let me set my own goals.
And the other thing she said is I quit swimming
several times, but I kept on going back because I
liked the people and because I enjoyed.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
Being in the pool.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
But it was always self determined and as a result
of that, she was able to achieve things that were
important to her. Her parents were not saying this is
important to us. It's just it's all on you, and
she was able to self reflect, especially in the downtimes
when she wasn't in the pool, to realize, hang on,
this is something that I really like. And now I'm
not sharing that so that we can all raise Olympians.
(11:52):
I'm sharing it to highlight that we've got all these
goals for our kids. The number of times I've spoken
to parents who want their kids to be doctors or
loyals or engineers or identists or whatever.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
But it's because it's money driven. Want our children to
have financial success and therefore financial freedom.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
It just pushes the kids way too hard. Let them
figure it out.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Like I said, we know doctors who never planned to
be doctors and even failed high school.
Speaker 3 (12:15):
Well, you never planned to do a university andw you are.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Now that I would have a PhD was laughable.
Speaker 3 (12:21):
Yeah, And I just think that if we can recognize
and understand that all learning is good learning, and our
children are going to figure it out. And yes, it
means that some of them are going to take the
long way to get there, but the learning that takes
place on that long journey, you can't. You can't buy that.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
So the first one, make sure that the kid's playing,
playing a lot, unstructured play, playing with other kids.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
The second one.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Goals and aspirations, like, don't worry about what your goals
and aspirations are for your children, because it's not your life,
it's theirs. Just support them and talk to them about
what it is that they value and what it is
that they're working towards.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
Third one, final one.
Speaker 3 (13:02):
This is when we all struggle with the most a
balance schedule. When you think about hurried child syndrome, the
one thing that most of us are lacking is a
balance schedule. We're not getting enough sleep, we're not getting
enough downtime, we're not getting enough connection, like real honest
connection with people that matter in our lives. Those are
(13:22):
the big rocks that literally transform a hurried life into
one that feels balanced, real, and connective.
Speaker 1 (13:33):
In Season one of Parental Guidance, there was one family
whose parenting style I won't mention, but they pushed their
kids hard. They ate at least five meals per week
in the car, firing the children from one activity to another. Now,
it's great if your children want to be involved in
lots of experts, not only.
Speaker 3 (13:51):
Where they in the car. They it wasn't the whole
family's in the car, it's mums in one car and
dad's in another car.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
Yeah, so I mean limit this is controversial, but limit
extracurricular activities because unstructured is better. Of course, if the
kids are saying I want this, I'm thriving with this,
I'm oriented towards it, and it's their choice, and you've
got the time and resources, then I'm I'm not going
to push too hard against it.
Speaker 3 (14:15):
But I also think our kids are caught up in
a trap of comparison and competition as well. They see
all of their friends doing these things and they want
to be like everybody else. I look at Emily. We've
been away now for eighteen months out of school.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
That's more.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
And we wanted her to have extracurricular activities so that
she was getting a rich, full education because she wasn't
at school, and one by one she has literally taken
them off her list. She loves the fact that her
life is now.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
Slow, slow, unstructured.
Speaker 3 (14:52):
And every time I take her to another extracurricular activity,
she feels hurried and harried.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
So we wanted not just un hurry our lives, We
want to unharry our lives. If you know any harries,
we clearly need to get ridden. Unstructured play goals that
are directed and determined by your children, and a balanced schedule.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
Good luck.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
We know that this can help you to unhurry childhood.
We know that it's good for their kids' mental health.
We hope that this has been a helpful conversation. The
Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruhlon from Bridge Media.
More information and resources to make your family happier are
available on happy families dot com dot au
A few years ago, we made a promise and pretty
much everybody that Kylie and I know has broken that promise.
Promise to our families that hasn't quite played out the
way we thought that it would. Today we unpacked that
promise and explore why your child feels hurried.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
I'm a laughing at I'm looking.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
At the notes that you've passed across the dable here
and I was trying to work out why we were
talking about curried children.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Show me the notes.
Speaker 3 (00:37):
Well, I've changed it now.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
That doesn't look like, Oh I am a doctor.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Doctors can't. I'm not that kind of doctor.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
But I'm gonna Welcome to the Happy Family's podcast, Real
Parenting Solutions every Day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast
were when You're we adjustin and Kylie Coulson and today
we are not talking about curried child syndrome. That sounds really,
really damagingly bad. That sounds cannibalistic. So they were talking
about hurried child syndrome, the broken promise.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Let's talk about that.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
During COVID, everyone said, my goodness, as much as we
recognize that COVID has brought with it many hardships we
like slow life. I mean that was the overwhelming conversation
that everyone was having. It's so nice to not have
to be driving everywhere doing so much.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
Life is good.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
We're never going back to our overscheduled lives, said every family,
and even.
Speaker 3 (01:31):
From a connection point of view, while we missed connection,
I think sometimes there is so much connection in our
lives that it was really nice to take a back
seat with all of that.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Yeah, you not have to.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
Not everybody feels the same way about COVID, but most
people that we've spoken to have said it was so
so nice. Unfortunately, we have pretty much all broken the
promise we've all gone back to.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
Research shows that parents.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Are more stressed, burnt out, worried, anxious than ever before.
Kids are following suit. Kids' mental health is declining. They're
not doing as well because at least in part, there
is so much going on.
Speaker 3 (02:10):
So a little bit of a sidetrack. But I'm wondering
whether or not everybody felt like that about COVID, because
it's kind of like a holiday, right, you get to
have a break from your real life. But the reality
is you wouldn't actually choose to live.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Like that forever.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
I don't know, we've made an intentional decision to try,
and for the last couple of years we've been homeschooling
well two kids and then and now just one child, and.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
I feel like we got a lot.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
Well maybe you and I haven't, because we are still
extremely busy, but our daughter is unhurried. So our homeschooling
daughter has slowed her life for right down and we've
seen commensurate with that an increase in well being, confidence, resilience,
this delightful child who was really going downhill before we
made the call to do it. Not that today's podcast
(02:59):
is an advertisement for homeschooling, that's not what it's about,
but rather slowing things down.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
Let me tell you about hurried child syndrome.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
There's a guy called Dr David Elkind, and he came
up with the concept quite a long time ago. Key
characteristics kids being pushed to behave like many adults, Accelerated
academic expectations, overscheduled activity calendars, exposure, early exposure to adult issues.
So kids are growing up way too fast, often because
(03:28):
parents aren't present and kids are on screens or doing
a whole lot of things that we're not around to
help them to stretch out and slow down their childhoods, and.
Speaker 3 (03:37):
I guess the flow and effect of that is that
they start behaving like little adults.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
Yeah, that's right, which kind of works out reasonably well
for us, because the less we have to supervise them,
the happier we are, because we've got so much going
on ourselves, because we're so hurried and flustered. But the
little bit of research that I've been able to scrounge
up around this highlights that if our children are experiencing
a hurried childhood, and it's not just about being busy,
(04:02):
it's about early exposure, it's about high expectations. You've got
to be a little adult because you're walking and talking
and we can communicate now. Physical and mental health impacts,
sleep deprivation or eating habits, anxiety, depression.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
Less resilience.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
The one that worries me the most that I found
was feeling unworthy when failing to meet expectations. In other words,
a hurried childhood can make children feel like they're supposed
to be perfect, and perfectionism is perhaps one of the
most damaging forms of anxiety.
Speaker 3 (04:33):
You think about the comparison trap that nearly the entire
human race falls into, at some point. And if you
have children comparing their capacity, their achievements, their talents, their
strengths against adults and the adult world, there's no competition.
(04:53):
Of course, the adults are going to be better at
those things. It's a really really tricky place for a
child to be.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
And they're not just comparing themselves upwards, they're comparing themselves
sideways as well. And I think this is part of
the reason we've returned to the rush, because when our
child's not doing so well, they feel like they're failing,
but we also feel like we're failing. And when our
child has lots of successes, we feel like we're winning,
like we're great parents because our children are doing well
as well. I want to talk about why we return
to the rush, and I reckon it's partly because there's
(05:24):
this competitive parenting culture that's only accelerating. I don't think
that it existed nearly the way that it does today,
even ten or fifteen years ago.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
I feel as though.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
There is this competitive parenting culture that I'm seeing when
I'm in and out of schools and in and out
of workplaces and giving talks. Parents really really really understandably
want their children to fulfill their potential.
Speaker 3 (05:46):
And it starts as babies.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
Of course it does, because the conversations are, well, my
child's doing this earlier than yours, my child's walking, my
child's making sounds with their mouths. Whatever it is, it's
not fair on parents. It's not fair on the kids.
We're really concerned about our kids falling behind academically or socially. Again,
not fair, not healthy. I'll tell you why. Because schools
are not the best environments for everybody to be learning,
(06:09):
and some kids just hate it. There doesn't mean that
they can't live successful lives. I fail at high school,
like I scored on the bottom fifteen percent of the state.
We've got a PhD, I've written ten books, I've got
a TV show in Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We
know at least three people who essentially failed high school
and then went on to become medical doctors. Like they
(06:32):
managed to get back into UNI when they're in their
mid twenties or early thirties and now they're practicing doctors.
And it's got nothing to do with intelligence. Failing school
it's got everything to do with motivation. This is not
an ability thing. The addictive nature of business is a
status symbol. I think that we're doing all of these things,
and again not to push the homeschool barrow too hard,
(06:53):
but by making the choice to homeschool our kids, we
kind of stepped out of all of that. There's no
competition from a parenting point of view. There's no worry
about falling behind academically or socially because you just teach
your kids at home and they work it out, and
if they don't, you come back to the lesson again
tomorrow and you just keep doing the same less until
they've got it. It changes the game and it slows
down their childhood. After the break, we're going to share
(07:14):
three solutions that can help you to slow childhood down
and remove the hurried child syndrome from your child's life.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
Okay, Kylie. Three things.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
We've chewed up a lot of time already, so we're
going to go through these fairly quickly. Three things that
we can do to help our children feel less hurried
in their lives. Let's kick it off.
Speaker 3 (07:42):
The first one is my favorite. It's play. This is
really tricky for lots of parents because we grew up
with parents who did not play with us and Therefore,
it feels foreign for parents specifically to get involved with
their child's play, facilitating opportunities for our children to have
(08:03):
free play, no structure, no outcomes, just be able to
be kids.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
So this is you talk about hurried child. Now I'm
going to step into hurried adult. No one's got time,
especially if you're working in a family where either you're
a single parent so you're doing it all, or you're
in a double income family where both parents are working
full time. Because to really play in an unstructured way
requires the one thing that nobody has time time. Yeah,
(08:29):
you've got to be able to go down to the
park and sit at the bench or sit on a
rug and let the kids play with their friends. That
means other families also need to have the time to
show up at the park with you and let the
kids go for it. And I'm talking kids from the
age of eighteen months up to eighteen years. And if
it's not the park, maybe it's the beach, or maybe
it's the wherever you're just going and doing things where
(08:51):
you sit and the children explore they play. Three benefits
to play that need to be hammered home, like really
really clearly ham at home.
Speaker 2 (09:00):
Number one the cognitive development.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
When children play in an open ended, unstructured way, they
have to solve problems.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
They have to be creative.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
They come up with stuff and then they start to
solve problems. They also have to get involved in really
important socially.
Speaker 2 (09:15):
What's the word I'm looking for.
Speaker 3 (09:16):
It's negotiation, it's communication, it's collaboration. Like there is so
much going on from a social point of view when
our kids come together, and sometimes we shy away from
it because it's like I don't want to have to
deal with the drama. But we we actually don't have
to deal with the drama. We have to allow the kids'
space to work through this.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
And the third one is emotional development. This is where
they learn to express their feelings in safe ways. They
learn to understand other people's feelings, They learn to take perspectives,
they understand empathy, They develop coping mechanisms because things don't
always go their way that they would like them to.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Go play play play play, play play play.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
The number one way to unhurry childhood is to literally
slow it down so the kids can be playing a
specially with other kids, especially in unstructured activities.
Speaker 3 (10:04):
Number two is about keeping our feet on the ground.
It's really great to have goals, aspirations and desires for
our children, but when it comes to the goals that
we would set for our children specifically and the future
that they might live, I think the key to this
(10:25):
is it's not our goal, it's our kid's goal, and
so working with them and helping them to tap into
what's important to them, what are their strengths, what are
the things that light them up, and moving forward in
a positive trajectory in that way will make such a difference.
Too many children are left feeling like I really want
(10:48):
to be an artist, but my mum and dad want
me to be a lawyer and I can't disappoint them.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
One of my favorite interviews ever on the Happy Families
podcast was with Emma McKean, Australia's most decorated Olympic medal.
Her father was a Commonwealth swimmer, a common Wealth Games medallist.
Her parents owned a swim school, her mum was also
a swimmer, so she's grown up in and her brother
was also a swimmer, so she's grown up in this
environment where swimming, swimming and swimming. And when I talked
(11:15):
to her, I said like, how did that go for you?
And she said, my parents let me set my own goals.
And the other thing she said is I quit swimming
several times, but I kept on going back because I
liked the people and because I enjoyed.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
Being in the pool.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
But it was always self determined and as a result
of that, she was able to achieve things that were
important to her. Her parents were not saying this is
important to us. It's just it's all on you, and
she was able to self reflect, especially in the downtimes
when she wasn't in the pool, to realize, hang on,
this is something that I really like. And now I'm
not sharing that so that we can all raise Olympians.
(11:52):
I'm sharing it to highlight that we've got all these
goals for our kids. The number of times I've spoken
to parents who want their kids to be doctors or
loyals or engineers or identists or whatever.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
But it's because it's money driven. Want our children to
have financial success and therefore financial freedom.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
It just pushes the kids way too hard. Let them
figure it out.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Like I said, we know doctors who never planned to
be doctors and even failed high school.
Speaker 3 (12:15):
Well, you never planned to do a university andw you are.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Now that I would have a PhD was laughable.
Speaker 3 (12:21):
Yeah, And I just think that if we can recognize
and understand that all learning is good learning, and our
children are going to figure it out. And yes, it
means that some of them are going to take the
long way to get there, but the learning that takes
place on that long journey, you can't. You can't buy that.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
So the first one, make sure that the kid's playing,
playing a lot, unstructured play, playing with other kids.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
The second one.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Goals and aspirations, like, don't worry about what your goals
and aspirations are for your children, because it's not your life,
it's theirs. Just support them and talk to them about
what it is that they value and what it is
that they're working towards.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
Third one, final one.
Speaker 3 (13:02):
This is when we all struggle with the most a
balance schedule. When you think about hurried child syndrome, the
one thing that most of us are lacking is a
balance schedule. We're not getting enough sleep, we're not getting
enough downtime, we're not getting enough connection, like real honest
connection with people that matter in our lives. Those are
(13:22):
the big rocks that literally transform a hurried life into
one that feels balanced, real, and connective.
Speaker 1 (13:33):
In Season one of Parental Guidance, there was one family
whose parenting style I won't mention, but they pushed their
kids hard. They ate at least five meals per week
in the car, firing the children from one activity to another. Now,
it's great if your children want to be involved in
lots of experts, not only.
Speaker 3 (13:51):
Where they in the car. They it wasn't the whole
family's in the car, it's mums in one car and
dad's in another car.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
Yeah, so I mean limit this is controversial, but limit
extracurricular activities because unstructured is better. Of course, if the
kids are saying I want this, I'm thriving with this,
I'm oriented towards it, and it's their choice, and you've
got the time and resources, then I'm I'm not going
to push too hard against it.
Speaker 3 (14:15):
But I also think our kids are caught up in
a trap of comparison and competition as well. They see
all of their friends doing these things and they want
to be like everybody else. I look at Emily. We've
been away now for eighteen months out of school.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
That's more.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
And we wanted her to have extracurricular activities so that
she was getting a rich, full education because she wasn't
at school, and one by one she has literally taken
them off her list. She loves the fact that her
life is now.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
Slow, slow, unstructured.
Speaker 3 (14:52):
And every time I take her to another extracurricular activity,
she feels hurried and harried.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
So we wanted not just un hurry our lives, We
want to unharry our lives. If you know any harries,
we clearly need to get ridden. Unstructured play goals that
are directed and determined by your children, and a balanced schedule.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
Good luck.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
We know that this can help you to unhurry childhood.
We know that it's good for their kids' mental health.
We hope that this has been a helpful conversation. The
Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruhlon from Bridge Media.
More information and resources to make your family happier are
available on happy families dot com dot au
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