April 28, 2025 • 15 mins
What do you do when your teen pushes back on your tech boundaries—especially when they paid for the device themselves? In this episode, Dr. Justin and Kylie Coulson tackle two parent questions about teenage independence, screen use, and safety. They offer a practical, relationship-first strategy for navigating the tension between adolescent autonomy and parental responsibility, using their tried-and-tested "Three E's" framework to build connection and cooperation.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:
"Rules without relationship will lead to rebellion."
KEY INSIGHTS FOR PARENTS:
-
Adolescents Seek Autonomy: Teens paying for their own devices often feel ownership equals full control—parents must acknowledge this growing independence.
-
Confiscation Isn’t the Answer: Power-based strategies (like taking away devices) often fuel resistance and damage relationships.
-
Use the Three E's: Explore, Explain, Empower is a proven method for having meaningful, collaborative conversations with teens.
-
Set the Stage for Success: Food, comfort, and a non-threatening tone can make hard conversations easier and more productive.
-
Trust Takes Time: Teens may resist at first, but consistency, humility, and genuine listening will eventually build mutual trust.
RESOURCES MENTIONED:
-
The Three E's of Effective Discipline framework by Dr. Justin Coulson
-
Happy Families Podcast submission form: happyfamilies.com.au
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:
-
Create a Connection-First Environment: Use food or small comforts to set a positive tone before difficult conversations.
-
Explore: Invite your teen to share their views. Reflect back what they say without judgment.
-
Explain: Briefly share your concerns around things like sleep, safety, and relationships.
-
Empower: Ask your teen to come up with solutions. Collaborate to find common ground that feels fair for both sides.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Technology is the never ending challenge when it comes to
raising children, especially once they get into their mid to lateeens.
They own their devices and you still want to have
a say in what they're doing, when they're doing it,
and even how they're doing it, especially when it's happening online. Today,
What to do when your kids are pushing back against
your involvement in their tech Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast,
(00:29):
Real Parenting Solutions every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast.
We are Justin and Kylie Colson, and every Tuesday on
the pod we answer your tricky questions about family relationships, discipline, technology, wellbeing,
the whole lot. If you'd like to submit a question,
we've got a super simple system at happy families dot
com dot Au. You just scroll down to podcasts, click
(00:50):
the record button and start talking, or you can send
us a voice note. Podcasts at happy families dot com
dot Au. Tough one today from Anna, who's got four
kids seventeen, seventeen, sixteen and ten. She says, our kids
are seventeen, seventeen, sixteen and ten, and the seventeen and
sixteen year olds refuse to let us have any access
(01:14):
to their advices or take them off them at night
because they paid for them, so quote they're ours, not yours.
Any advice. They pay the monthly bills too. And a
second question from anonymous should I temporarily confiscate my fifteen
year old's phone for an e safety issue. We've decided
to want these two together because they kind of go
(01:35):
hand in hand. So Kylie, I've got ideas, You've got ideas.
We have. Well, our elders is twenty five, but I
think if you add up the age of all of
our kids, we've got like one hundred years of parenting
experience going on here because six kids, it adds up fast.
He sounded tired just hearing me say that. I don't
know why, all right, So I'm going to start, and
(01:57):
i'd love to get your color and your input around this.
First thing I want to say is that it's great
that your kids are mature enough and capable of paying
for their own devices. In our home, we've generally said
if you can't pay for it, then you can't have it.
When it comes to screens and devices. Once you've got
the money to be able to pay the monthly fees
to be able to buy the phone, then you can
(02:19):
have one. That's part of our delay strategy. But you
can't start parenting around technology once your kids are sixteen.
And also you should expect that once the kids get
to sixteen seventeen, they're going to start to push back,
particularly when they are paying it is theirs. It's a
developmental tension that they are naturally going to be saying,
(02:43):
I'm looking for some independence here, I'm pushing for the
opportunity to make my own decisions around this, and since
I'm paying for it, the answer is no. So my
number one response here is that as a parent, you're
the one with a fully functional prefrontal cortex. Hopefully your
children we aren't, and you are therefore the one who
is still responsible for their health and safety. Devices at
(03:08):
such a sensitive time in their lives can have an
impact on the positive neural growth that we're all hoping
for as their brains develop. So, Kylie, this is really
a problem solving challenge where you're dealing with some potentially
really emotional adolescents who are trying to stake out their
claim to independence at identity and parents who are saying,
(03:30):
but we care about you, we love you, We need
to make sure you're safe, and we know better than you.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
And so I guess this becomes the challenge. We want
our children to have responsibility, and so the idea that
they would have to save up in our case as
a delay tactic then provides another challenge for us, because
it's no longer our its ownership. They have ownership of it,
(03:58):
and so the idea that you would to then confiscate
something that's not actually yours in the first place seems
completely unfair to them. Whether or not that's right or
wrong is not the point.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
So I'm a really big opponent to the idea that
we would confiscate anyway. To me, that doesn't seem valuable.
It doesn't seem helpful. My sense is that that force
creates resistance les rules without relationship, and this does undermine relationship,
will lead to rebellion. Problem solving. Effective discipline is not
about stepping in as the parent saying well, I'm the
one with the power, on the one with the prefrontal cortex.
(04:31):
You'll do as I say, and it stops working somewhere
in that sixteen to seventeen age bracket for a lot
of kids anyway, if not most kids. So we need
to move into and this is the same for the
parent with the fifteen year old who's had an EE
safety issue. We need to move away from power based
techniques and tactics and step back and have a look
at what our overarching strategy is. So strategy is what's
(04:54):
the goal and how we try to get there, and
then the tactics are what are the specific things that
I'm going to do to implement the strategy. After the break,
we're going to talk about strategy, understanding basic psychological needs,
especially in hot emotional situations like this, and how we
can have worthwhile, effective conversations that do move the needle. Okay, Kylie,
(05:27):
nobody likes to be told what to do. As soon
as you step in and say to a child, hand
the phone over, they feel it's an affront to their autonomy.
They resist, They rebel, They push against it. They say,
you can't make me, it's mine, I'm paying for it.
You have no rights, as you've correctly pointed out. So
my simple solution, I don't know if anything simple when
it comes to parenting, especially kids at this age, but
(05:48):
my simple solution is that we've got to have conversations
that are focused on finding solutions, problem solving conversations. And
the central strategy that I promote is a need supportive strategy.
I've been talking about it for ten or twelve years.
It's called the three E's of Effective Discipline. I've got
a question for you. Did you know that I was
(06:08):
going to end up at the three e's.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Yes, I was just wondering whether the vicious circle was
going to come first.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
Oh, I'd love to talk about it, but we're not
going to have time for the vicious circle today. We're
just going to focus on the three e's. So explore,
explain empower. We've been through this countless times with our children.
What do you think is the hardest part.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
Of explore getting them to talk?
Speaker 1 (06:31):
Hmmm, okay, So you can sit down with the kids
and say, all right, we just want to understand where
you're at. And they sit there with their arms crossed
across their chest, their chin in their chest as well,
they're looking down and they just grunt. They won't involve themselves.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
Well, this is in their minds. This is a tricky conversation, right,
because they know exactly what it is you want out
of this conversation, and they know that phones are at
the heart of all the conflict, and.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
It's the precious, that's right, Gollum. The wicked parances, they're
taking away the precious.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
And so they don't want to lose it, and they've
already made up their mind how this conversation is going
to go.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
So I've got a couple of things that can help
to frame and establish the conversation in a healthy, positive
way that will encourage talking. First of all, I really
encourage having treats, whether it's a chocolate milkshake or you
want to pull out the food processor and make up
something extra special, like some homemade ice cream.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
Would you say an apple or a binama?
Speaker 1 (07:32):
No, I didn't. I said treats, the sort of stuff
that the kids are going to be like, Oh, this
is so awesome. You've recently been making and it's a
super easy recipe from what I've seen, although I haven't
made it myself. You've been getting some fresh fruit, like
some fresh berries or some fresh watermelon and chucking in
a bit of ice and some sugar and creating some
sawbet and the kids are going crazy for it. So,
if you're willing to put five or ten minutes of
(07:54):
effort in the kitchen, you create the sawbet or the
homemade ice cream with the food processor, and then you
sit down say hey, let's have a chat while you
taste this amazing saubet or whatever other treat you've decided
to cook up for the kids. It softens the mood
straight away. They've got food in their belly. It's a
little bit sugary, it's a little bit sweet. They feel
(08:15):
a bit more connected to you because you've given them
something nice. There's that willingness to reciprocate just a bit.
And I believe that if we're going to explore effectively,
the best thing we can do is just state the
obvious in an opening statement. I want to talk to
you about screens. I feel like we've been having a
lot of conflict about it lately, and Kylie you said
it as well. The kids feel like there's a predetermined
(08:36):
outcome that you're going to manipulate them into arriving at.
So I think it's really important to say to the kids.
I'm not quite sure where this conversation will land. We've
both got really strong ideas, and I actually want to
make sure that we understand each other because I don't
think either of us have got the right solution alone.
I think we've got to develop this together. So you're
feeding them. You're saying there's a problem, and then you're saying,
(08:58):
we've got to collaborate because we're just at each other
and it doesn't feel good. That changes the tenor of
the conversation, which means that when you say, so, why
don't you tell me what's going on with screens generally
and what's working and what's not, and you just explore,
you explore, explore, explore, and at the end of listening,
the most important thing I think you do is you
(09:20):
summarize it. You say, right, so here's what I'm hearing
you say. You're saying blah blah blah and blah blah
blah and blah blah blah, and the kids don't look
at you and go.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
No, you're saying blah blah blah.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
Yeah, the kids don't look at you and go, oh,
this is such a technique, like seriously, stop it. The
kids hear you say that and they go yeah or no,
that's not what I'm saying at all, And then you
get the opportunity to say, well, I completely misheard. Then,
so what are you actually saying the explore phase is
the longest part of this conversation. But once the children
(09:51):
know that you're really listening, that you're summarizing, you're not
adding to it, you're not starting to go off on
your own tangents, you're not rebutting them. You're just listening, summarizing.
The kids go oh, oh, yeah, okay. And then when
they finally said yes, that's exactly it, you look at
them and say, okay, now that I've got it, is
there anything else? And by asking that question, they know
(10:14):
that you're sincerely listening, you're not trying to get to
your solution. Once you've done that, you can explain by saying, so,
I'm a bit worried about this thing, this thing, and
this thing. I reckon. You want to get it done
in ten to twenty seconds. When you explain, so, you
might say I'm worried about sleep, I'm worried about relationships,
I'm worried about keeping you safe online, especially with devices
(10:36):
in your bedroom. How do you feel about those things?
And as they start to say oh, yeah, you just
listen and you say, oh, so what you're saying is
this or what you're saying is that? So you summarize again.
Once they're absolutely convinced that you're hearing them and you're
not trying to find a solution, that's when you say,
let me empower you. What solutions do you recommend? Now?
(10:57):
Every now and again they'll say we should just be
allowed to do whatever I want. It's my phone. You
can say, well, it's my house, and I get where
you're coming from. You do really want to just make
your own decisions. But that doesn't work for me and
it's not working for our family. So can we come
up with something else that we can both feel good about.
(11:18):
The objective here is to problem solve. Sometimes you'll say,
you know what, we're not going to get a solution today.
We're getting a bit hot into the collar. Maybe we
should come back again tomorrow or the day after and
we'll try again. But you're moving towards solutions that are collaborative.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
What I love about this process is when the kids
realize that we're actually wanting to work together with that
we're listening and there is every time we go from
this real reluctancy to be engaged and to actually cooperate
(11:55):
to an active participant within a conversation of collaboration to
come up with and agreed upon outcome that works for
both people, and in every case, pretty much every single time,
it requires a level of give and take sides.
Speaker 1 (12:17):
Parents have got to be humble about this.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
On both sides. And when the kids recognize and see
that you're willing to give something in return, they don't
become putting your hands, but they become so much more
willing to be a part of this process. And the
difference between that and the punitive efforts that we.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Yeah, the adversarial approach would.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Generally speaking lead to or lean against, just that there's
no comparison.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
What we're really trying to do is just get on
the same page in terms of concerns. Once the kids
know that you've heard them, and you can even say,
are you seeing any differences in yourself and your siblings?
Like what's working here and what's not working? If you
had to say that something wasn't working, what would it
be And once they say, yeah, I'm probably going to
be too late, sec bingo, I feel exactly the same way.
So let's just find some solutions here. We don't have
(13:14):
to solve all the problems in the world. The one
thing that I will promise is that when it comes
to kids and screens, this is going to be a
perennial problem, Like it will come back again in two
weeks or four weeks or six weeks. It's a constant
in our home. It's been a never ending challenge. If
I could go back, I would just have not given
our kids' screens for a much longer period of time.
(13:34):
I just think they get access to them too early
and it creates too many problems. So for both our
mum of four Anna and for our anonymous parent who
has a fifteen year old who had an e safety issue,
the answer is the same. It's the three e's of
effective discipline. Explore, explain, empower, lots of empathy, and I
think I think that over time you'll find some really
(13:55):
helpful solutions there.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
If you've never gone through this process with your teenager,
don't be surprised if it completely backfires.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
Good point on the first or second go. Yeah, it
takes practice.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
It does take practice, and it's going to take time
for your team to trust that you have their best
interest at heart. So if it doesn't work the first time,
don't give up. Don't give up.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
So like learning Espanol like it takes a lot of
lessons before you really dial it in and start to
get it right, but.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
Your desire to continue to show up and work with
your teenager will pay off.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
If you would like to submit a tricky question, we
answer those tricky questions every Tuesday on the podcast. Email
us a voice note podcasts that's podcasts with an s
at happy families dot com dot au, or go to
happy families dot com dot you, scroll down to the
podcast section, click the record button and start talking. We
love your questions. The Happy Families Podcasts is produced by
(14:53):
Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. For more information and resources
to make your family happier, check us out at happy
families dot com. Donta h
Technology is the never ending challenge when it comes to
raising children, especially once they get into their mid to lateeens.
They own their devices and you still want to have
a say in what they're doing, when they're doing it,
and even how they're doing it, especially when it's happening online. Today,
What to do when your kids are pushing back against
your involvement in their tech Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast,
(00:29):
Real Parenting Solutions every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast.
We are Justin and Kylie Colson, and every Tuesday on
the pod we answer your tricky questions about family relationships, discipline, technology, wellbeing,
the whole lot. If you'd like to submit a question,
we've got a super simple system at happy families dot
com dot Au. You just scroll down to podcasts, click
(00:50):
the record button and start talking, or you can send
us a voice note. Podcasts at happy families dot com
dot Au. Tough one today from Anna, who's got four
kids seventeen, seventeen, sixteen and ten. She says, our kids
are seventeen, seventeen, sixteen and ten, and the seventeen and
sixteen year olds refuse to let us have any access
(01:14):
to their advices or take them off them at night
because they paid for them, so quote they're ours, not yours.
Any advice. They pay the monthly bills too. And a
second question from anonymous should I temporarily confiscate my fifteen
year old's phone for an e safety issue. We've decided
to want these two together because they kind of go
(01:35):
hand in hand. So Kylie, I've got ideas, You've got ideas.
We have. Well, our elders is twenty five, but I
think if you add up the age of all of
our kids, we've got like one hundred years of parenting
experience going on here because six kids, it adds up fast.
He sounded tired just hearing me say that. I don't
know why, all right, So I'm going to start, and
(01:57):
i'd love to get your color and your input around this.
First thing I want to say is that it's great
that your kids are mature enough and capable of paying
for their own devices. In our home, we've generally said
if you can't pay for it, then you can't have it.
When it comes to screens and devices. Once you've got
the money to be able to pay the monthly fees
to be able to buy the phone, then you can
(02:19):
have one. That's part of our delay strategy. But you
can't start parenting around technology once your kids are sixteen.
And also you should expect that once the kids get
to sixteen seventeen, they're going to start to push back,
particularly when they are paying it is theirs. It's a
developmental tension that they are naturally going to be saying,
(02:43):
I'm looking for some independence here, I'm pushing for the
opportunity to make my own decisions around this, and since
I'm paying for it, the answer is no. So my
number one response here is that as a parent, you're
the one with a fully functional prefrontal cortex. Hopefully your
children we aren't, and you are therefore the one who
is still responsible for their health and safety. Devices at
(03:08):
such a sensitive time in their lives can have an
impact on the positive neural growth that we're all hoping
for as their brains develop. So, Kylie, this is really
a problem solving challenge where you're dealing with some potentially
really emotional adolescents who are trying to stake out their
claim to independence at identity and parents who are saying,
(03:30):
but we care about you, we love you, We need
to make sure you're safe, and we know better than you.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
And so I guess this becomes the challenge. We want
our children to have responsibility, and so the idea that
they would have to save up in our case as
a delay tactic then provides another challenge for us, because
it's no longer our its ownership. They have ownership of it,
(03:58):
and so the idea that you would to then confiscate
something that's not actually yours in the first place seems
completely unfair to them. Whether or not that's right or
wrong is not the point.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
So I'm a really big opponent to the idea that
we would confiscate anyway. To me, that doesn't seem valuable.
It doesn't seem helpful. My sense is that that force
creates resistance les rules without relationship, and this does undermine relationship,
will lead to rebellion. Problem solving. Effective discipline is not
about stepping in as the parent saying well, I'm the
one with the power, on the one with the prefrontal cortex.
(04:31):
You'll do as I say, and it stops working somewhere
in that sixteen to seventeen age bracket for a lot
of kids anyway, if not most kids. So we need
to move into and this is the same for the
parent with the fifteen year old who's had an EE
safety issue. We need to move away from power based
techniques and tactics and step back and have a look
at what our overarching strategy is. So strategy is what's
(04:54):
the goal and how we try to get there, and
then the tactics are what are the specific things that
I'm going to do to implement the strategy. After the break,
we're going to talk about strategy, understanding basic psychological needs,
especially in hot emotional situations like this, and how we
can have worthwhile, effective conversations that do move the needle. Okay, Kylie,
(05:27):
nobody likes to be told what to do. As soon
as you step in and say to a child, hand
the phone over, they feel it's an affront to their autonomy.
They resist, They rebel, They push against it. They say,
you can't make me, it's mine, I'm paying for it.
You have no rights, as you've correctly pointed out. So
my simple solution, I don't know if anything simple when
it comes to parenting, especially kids at this age, but
(05:48):
my simple solution is that we've got to have conversations
that are focused on finding solutions, problem solving conversations. And
the central strategy that I promote is a need supportive strategy.
I've been talking about it for ten or twelve years.
It's called the three E's of Effective Discipline. I've got
a question for you. Did you know that I was
(06:08):
going to end up at the three e's.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Yes, I was just wondering whether the vicious circle was
going to come first.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
Oh, I'd love to talk about it, but we're not
going to have time for the vicious circle today. We're
just going to focus on the three e's. So explore,
explain empower. We've been through this countless times with our children.
What do you think is the hardest part.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
Of explore getting them to talk?
Speaker 1 (06:31):
Hmmm, okay, So you can sit down with the kids
and say, all right, we just want to understand where
you're at. And they sit there with their arms crossed
across their chest, their chin in their chest as well,
they're looking down and they just grunt. They won't involve themselves.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
Well, this is in their minds. This is a tricky conversation, right,
because they know exactly what it is you want out
of this conversation, and they know that phones are at
the heart of all the conflict, and.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
It's the precious, that's right, Gollum. The wicked parances, they're
taking away the precious.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
And so they don't want to lose it, and they've
already made up their mind how this conversation is going
to go.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
So I've got a couple of things that can help
to frame and establish the conversation in a healthy, positive
way that will encourage talking. First of all, I really
encourage having treats, whether it's a chocolate milkshake or you
want to pull out the food processor and make up
something extra special, like some homemade ice cream.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
Would you say an apple or a binama?
Speaker 1 (07:32):
No, I didn't. I said treats, the sort of stuff
that the kids are going to be like, Oh, this
is so awesome. You've recently been making and it's a
super easy recipe from what I've seen, although I haven't
made it myself. You've been getting some fresh fruit, like
some fresh berries or some fresh watermelon and chucking in
a bit of ice and some sugar and creating some
sawbet and the kids are going crazy for it. So,
if you're willing to put five or ten minutes of
(07:54):
effort in the kitchen, you create the sawbet or the
homemade ice cream with the food processor, and then you
sit down say hey, let's have a chat while you
taste this amazing saubet or whatever other treat you've decided
to cook up for the kids. It softens the mood
straight away. They've got food in their belly. It's a
little bit sugary, it's a little bit sweet. They feel
(08:15):
a bit more connected to you because you've given them
something nice. There's that willingness to reciprocate just a bit.
And I believe that if we're going to explore effectively,
the best thing we can do is just state the
obvious in an opening statement. I want to talk to
you about screens. I feel like we've been having a
lot of conflict about it lately, and Kylie you said
it as well. The kids feel like there's a predetermined
(08:36):
outcome that you're going to manipulate them into arriving at.
So I think it's really important to say to the kids.
I'm not quite sure where this conversation will land. We've
both got really strong ideas, and I actually want to
make sure that we understand each other because I don't
think either of us have got the right solution alone.
I think we've got to develop this together. So you're
feeding them. You're saying there's a problem, and then you're saying,
(08:58):
we've got to collaborate because we're just at each other
and it doesn't feel good. That changes the tenor of
the conversation, which means that when you say, so, why
don't you tell me what's going on with screens generally
and what's working and what's not, and you just explore,
you explore, explore, explore, and at the end of listening,
the most important thing I think you do is you
(09:20):
summarize it. You say, right, so here's what I'm hearing
you say. You're saying blah blah blah and blah blah
blah and blah blah blah, and the kids don't look
at you and go.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
No, you're saying blah blah blah.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
Yeah, the kids don't look at you and go, oh,
this is such a technique, like seriously, stop it. The
kids hear you say that and they go yeah or no,
that's not what I'm saying at all, And then you
get the opportunity to say, well, I completely misheard. Then,
so what are you actually saying the explore phase is
the longest part of this conversation. But once the children
(09:51):
know that you're really listening, that you're summarizing, you're not
adding to it, you're not starting to go off on
your own tangents, you're not rebutting them. You're just listening, summarizing.
The kids go oh, oh, yeah, okay. And then when
they finally said yes, that's exactly it, you look at
them and say, okay, now that I've got it, is
there anything else? And by asking that question, they know
(10:14):
that you're sincerely listening, you're not trying to get to
your solution. Once you've done that, you can explain by saying, so,
I'm a bit worried about this thing, this thing, and
this thing. I reckon. You want to get it done
in ten to twenty seconds. When you explain, so, you
might say I'm worried about sleep, I'm worried about relationships,
I'm worried about keeping you safe online, especially with devices
(10:36):
in your bedroom. How do you feel about those things?
And as they start to say oh, yeah, you just
listen and you say, oh, so what you're saying is
this or what you're saying is that? So you summarize again.
Once they're absolutely convinced that you're hearing them and you're
not trying to find a solution, that's when you say,
let me empower you. What solutions do you recommend? Now?
(10:57):
Every now and again they'll say we should just be
allowed to do whatever I want. It's my phone. You
can say, well, it's my house, and I get where
you're coming from. You do really want to just make
your own decisions. But that doesn't work for me and
it's not working for our family. So can we come
up with something else that we can both feel good about.
(11:18):
The objective here is to problem solve. Sometimes you'll say,
you know what, we're not going to get a solution today.
We're getting a bit hot into the collar. Maybe we
should come back again tomorrow or the day after and
we'll try again. But you're moving towards solutions that are collaborative.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
What I love about this process is when the kids
realize that we're actually wanting to work together with that
we're listening and there is every time we go from
this real reluctancy to be engaged and to actually cooperate
(11:55):
to an active participant within a conversation of collaboration to
come up with and agreed upon outcome that works for
both people, and in every case, pretty much every single time,
it requires a level of give and take sides.
Speaker 1 (12:17):
Parents have got to be humble about this.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
On both sides. And when the kids recognize and see
that you're willing to give something in return, they don't
become putting your hands, but they become so much more
willing to be a part of this process. And the
difference between that and the punitive efforts that we.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Yeah, the adversarial approach would.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Generally speaking lead to or lean against, just that there's
no comparison.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
What we're really trying to do is just get on
the same page in terms of concerns. Once the kids
know that you've heard them, and you can even say,
are you seeing any differences in yourself and your siblings?
Like what's working here and what's not working? If you
had to say that something wasn't working, what would it
be And once they say, yeah, I'm probably going to
be too late, sec bingo, I feel exactly the same way.
So let's just find some solutions here. We don't have
(13:14):
to solve all the problems in the world. The one
thing that I will promise is that when it comes
to kids and screens, this is going to be a
perennial problem, Like it will come back again in two
weeks or four weeks or six weeks. It's a constant
in our home. It's been a never ending challenge. If
I could go back, I would just have not given
our kids' screens for a much longer period of time.
(13:34):
I just think they get access to them too early
and it creates too many problems. So for both our
mum of four Anna and for our anonymous parent who
has a fifteen year old who had an e safety issue,
the answer is the same. It's the three e's of
effective discipline. Explore, explain, empower, lots of empathy, and I
think I think that over time you'll find some really
(13:55):
helpful solutions there.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
If you've never gone through this process with your teenager,
don't be surprised if it completely backfires.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
Good point on the first or second go. Yeah, it
takes practice.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
It does take practice, and it's going to take time
for your team to trust that you have their best
interest at heart. So if it doesn't work the first time,
don't give up. Don't give up.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
So like learning Espanol like it takes a lot of
lessons before you really dial it in and start to
get it right, but.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
Your desire to continue to show up and work with
your teenager will pay off.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
If you would like to submit a tricky question, we
answer those tricky questions every Tuesday on the podcast. Email
us a voice note podcasts that's podcasts with an s
at happy families dot com dot au, or go to
happy families dot com dot you, scroll down to the
podcast section, click the record button and start talking. We
love your questions. The Happy Families Podcasts is produced by
(14:53):
Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. For more information and resources
to make your family happier, check us out at happy
families dot com. Donta h
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