May 12, 2025 • 13 mins
What do you do when your child comes home from the other parent’s house completely dysregulated—tantrums, tears, and turmoil? In this episode, Justin and Kylie respond to a heartfelt question from a grandparent caring for her four-year-old grandson. Together, they explore why these transitions are so tough, what’s really going on beneath the surface, and how to create calm, connection, and consistency after a disruptive change in environment.
KEY POINTS:
-
Transition distress is common for kids moving between homes, especially in co-parenting situations.
-
Tantrums are not misbehaviour—they’re a child’s way of saying, “I’m overwhelmed and don’t know how to cope.”
-
Emotional storms after change can be a sign of trust—kids release emotions where they feel safest.
-
A “transition toolkit” can soften the landing when children return from the other parent’s house.
-
Predictable routines, consistent rituals, and physical or emotional regulation activities make a big difference.
-
Compassionate communication—within and between households—helps reduce stress and confusion for everyone.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:
“The most important gift we can give our kids is a consistent, compassionate response.”
RESOURCES MENTIONED:
-
happyfamilies.com.au – Parenting support and resources
-
Submit your own tricky question: podcasts@happyfamilies.com.au or leave a voice message at happyfamilies.com.au
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:
-
Create a Soft Landing: After a transition, keep things calm, quiet, and low-stimulation. Avoid errands or activities.
-
Establish Connection Rituals: Use consistent, comforting activities like a shared snack, special book, or photo album.
-
Support Emotional Regulation: Offer hugs, breathing exercises, or safe physical play to help them reset.
-
Validate Without Endorsing: Accept their feelings (“It’s okay to be upset”) while gently guiding behaviour.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Sometimes when you're co parenting, the kids come back to
your place and they're disregulated, they're out of sorts, they're
not the way you want them to be, and they're
certainly not the way that they will when you drop
them off at your ex's place. Today. What to do
when your child is deregulated when they come home from
being with their other parent Today, Welcome to the Happy
(00:26):
Families Podcast. It's real parenting solutions every day on Australia's
most downloaded parenting podcast. We are Justin and Kylie Courson,
and every Tuesday on the pod we answer the tricky
questions that you've got about raising your kids, family stuff,
relationship stuff, wellbeing, screens, discipline, co parenting. If you would
like to submit a tricky question, we have a really
(00:46):
super simple system at Happy families dot com dot Au.
You just scroll down the podcasts, click the record button
and start talking like an anonymous person who chose not
to record, but send us an email instead via podcast
a Happy families dot com dot Au from anonymous, how
can I help my four year old grandson? He lives
(01:06):
with us and has fortnightly weekend visitation with his father.
When he comes home, he is so disregulated tantrum's and
next level for hours after getting home. I'm looking for
tips to help ease these feelings. Noe. This behavior is
only concerned after the visitation because of the severity of
(01:27):
the behavior. Please help. So today, let's uncover three things.
First off, what's going on behind the behavior? Number two,
how can we create a support of transition environment? And
number three, how do we build emotional bridges between homes? Kylie,
you and I have had a philosophy around tantrums for
as long as we've had children, and it's a pretty
(01:49):
simple one.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Tantrums aren't bad behavior. They're actually an opportunity for our
kids to communicate to us. They just don't have the
skills to sit down and go, ho, mum, I'm.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
Having a really hard time now, Yeah, that's right, Like I.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
This a meltdown because they are struggling so much with
their world.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Four year olds when their emotions are high don't tend
to say can we have a minute and just talk
because there's a handful of things going through my mind
that I really need to walk through with you and problem.
So they just don't. They don't go to high emotions
low intelligence. I think It was one of our listeners, Jess,
who email us and said, you can't think straight in
the high emotion state. It's true for us, it's definitely
(02:26):
true for our children, and so we call this distress
during the transition literally transition distress that is moving between environments.
It's a normal response because I am moving into an
environment that's different to one that I'm in, and I
don't have the emotion and behavior regulation, nor do I
have the words to explain what's going on, and so
I behave in a disregulated way, transition distress.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
I was actually having this exact conversation with a beautiful
friend of mine recently, and she's in exactly the same situation,
and her five year old came home and she's said,
it's literally like the light in his eyes have gone out.
He's not the child that I sent off to his dad.
He comes home and he's just a completely different kid.
(03:14):
And so I think one of the most important things
that we can do in that space is to literally
take away all expectations in this moment.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
Yeah, yeah, I want to talk about that as part
of our transition toolkit. Let me wrap up this five
year old or this four year old depending on whether
it's your story or the one from this grandma. This
situation essentially, when a child comes home and then they
have that meltdown and they're going through this transition. There's
this stress around the transition, but then they release all
their emotions because now they're in a space that feels
safe to them and they know that they're allowed to
(03:45):
let it out. Sometimes you hear about autistic kids who
come home and then they take the mask off and
they just lose it because they've been trying so hard
to keep it together while they've been at school or
something like that. And so this is the this is
the challenge that we face. Right, We've got this tantrum
that's actually a stress response, and paradoxically, it's a sign
(04:06):
of trust and it's a predictable pattern, like we kind
of know what's going to happen. Pressure builds during the transition,
then it releases when your child feels safe. And in
this situation there's often a lot of accusation. I just
want to highlight this, we don't know and I want
to be really sensitive here. We don't know what's going on,
don't know what's happening at dad's. Dad might actually be
doing a great job, but the child's simply distressed because
(04:29):
of the transition. Dad could be doing a terrible job,
which is promoting the transition distress. What we know with
little kids is that there is a transition storm and
it's going to be a potential challenge regardless of what's
going on in one context or the other.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
The reality is for children, especially young children, they need consistency,
totally consistency and routine consistency and environment consistency in caregiver
like that makes such a difference to their sense of
well being in security. So, like you've acknowledged, it doesn't
actually matter whether what's happening at Dad's house is great
(05:07):
or bad, the outcome will often be the same because
there's a change. And that's literally what we're experiencing. There
is a change in the environment, there's a change in
the caregiver, and now you're four year old in his
limited life experience has to recalibrate and that's what we're
dealing with right now. So recalibration.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Yeah, So after break the transition Toolkit, we have four
ideas for you there as well as how you can
build some effective communication bridges. I guess between your child
and the transition challenges that you're facing. Okay, Kylie. A
(05:49):
transition toolkit for a child who's struggling with moving from
one environment to another in a copering situation. Four things
from me. You might want to add a couple of
things around around the edge of this, but they're fairly
simple and quite self explanatory. Number One, you want to
create a soft landing after pick up. That's what you
were hinting at before. Keep things really really smooth, expect
(06:10):
the storm plan accordingly. Keep those first few hours really quiet,
low stimulation, avoid errands and extracurricular activities, social gatherings immediately
after the pickup. Just keep it low key. Second thing,
have some consistent connection rituals. So every time he comes
home to you, have that special book, maybe it's a
(06:31):
photo album, that snack, have that quiet activity, the thing
that you're reading together, something predictable that signals we're back together.
The third thing, focus on regulation before you step into
any big conversations or anything. So hugs gentle, physical comfort
so long as he's okay with that, calm, easy speaking
to help reset his nervous system, maybe even doing some
(06:54):
box breathing or some general meditation or body scans that
kind of thing, just to focus on being calm before
you're getting into things.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
I want to count you on this because I love
the calm thing and I think that it's really important.
But for some kids, I actually think they need to
let out the pent up energy that they're experiencing. And
the other day I saw this reel and it just
resonated with me beautifully because I think it's something that
Emily would have responded to so well. A few years ago,
(07:24):
when her son comes home from school, they play this
game and she's got socks on there on the floorboards,
and he gets to push against her hands as hard
as he can, and he's got to try and move
her across the floor to a certain point, and he's
using all of his body strength. Mum wearing socks obviously
is going to let him win, but in the process
(07:46):
of doing that, he actually gets out a whole heap
of pent up energy through that process, and then they
roll over and have a big laugh together.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Okay, So I've got thoughts on this. Two different thoughts.
First of all, if it works for you, that's great, wonderful, fantastic.
Second thought, there is quite a bit of research that
shows that this idea of using aggression to get it
out can also backfire. That it can become a thing
where it can become aggressive and it can become unhelpful
as well. So I'm going to say maybe maybe not
certainly looks like fun on Instagram in real life, it
(08:16):
might work, but it could also it could also backfire
either way. What we're really emphasizing here is soft landings,
consistency and predictability, and generally some form of regulation. Now
that regulation might come through physical activity, it may come
through deep breathing and gentleness. Either way, we're doing something
before we step into conversations. And if the emotions are
(08:38):
really big, my fourth idea is just validate those emotions,
but don't endorse the behaviors. So I get that you're
having really big feelings right now, or it's okay to
feel upset. Sometimes when we move from one place to another,
we feel upset. You're setting in really clear boundaries, but
you're accepting the feelings. That validation is really important. They're
the main things that I would suggest are going to
be useful. I think we've also got to be better
(08:59):
at our communication, though, Like if we can create effective
communication with our four year old or a five year old,
we're going to find that they're better able to regulate
themselves because it all makes sense. So you can just
put a calendar on the wall and highlight when the
visits are happening, so there's a countdown system. For younger kids.
You can have transitional objects, so there's that one toy
(09:20):
that goes from this house to that house and it's
the one thing that they always have that keeps them
feeling good. Or a photo album with both households involved
in the photo album to make it all feel a
bit more seamless.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
Maybe whenever there's a pickup or a transition, there's a
favorite snack.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Yeah, or a quick outing, let's go and get that
hot chocolate, the baby china, whatever it is that you
love to do. Those kinds of things just promote that routine,
that sense of safety, that predictability. There's a special something
about it, so it feels like it's a bit of
a treat. Those are the kinds of things that are
going to be really, really, really helpful.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
But I think the main thing about this is recognizing
that your child is having big emotions, and that's actually okay.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
Yes, yeah, especially for such a complex situation, you'd expect
complex emotional experiences.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
And so allowing your children to work through those emotions
in a safe space is actually a beautiful gift that
you can give them.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Okay, I want to talk just briefly about the communication
between households. This is always going to be awkward. It
can be really tricky, especially if there's any disharmony in
the relationship, and often there is there's some acrimony. So
what I would encourage would be a couple of things.
Number One, I'd just be saying, hey, how are you
finding it like you're finding this regulation when we drop
off to you, because we're getting a bit when it's
coming back our way. We just want to know how
(10:33):
that's going and what we can do to make things better.
In both directions, I would be encouraging consistent bedtimes, consistent
meal times, consistent dietary expectations. Like if we've got a
Disneyland dad who's going to get up on sugar and
ice cream and soft drinks and fast food and all
that kind of thing, and then we're trying to eat healthy,
then there's going to be some challenges around that. And
(10:55):
I think that both households. Just you said it at
the start, and you said it so well. The tantrum
is a signal that we've got a child who is
processing a whole lot of complexity, but there is communication here.
The tantrum is an indicator that we've got a child
experiencing challenge.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
So I guess if we were to wrap this all up,
the most important gift we can give our kids is
a consistent, compassionate response. Yeah. I would have been creating
some perfect strategy.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
Perfect I was going to say that. Yeah, like we
can get all caught up in the I've got to
do this and this and this and this and this.
But so long as your child feels loved and gets
that compassion, I think that's going to be the most
important thing. The other stuff matters, but not as important
as your response to the child.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
The second thing is helping them through these transitions. You're
actually teaching them some really important skills in their emotional regulation.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Right. So the more emotionally intelligent you are, the more
that child will learn how to regulate. If you can
be regulated yourself.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
Yeah, So one of the things we do in our
home often is are you essential oils and without having
to teach them anything, just purely putting the oils on
their body, they instantly take a deep breath and they
regulate themselves in that process.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Okay, so ultimately the storm's going to pass and you
are the steady presence that's going to help them to
weather the storm. Transition difficulties exist. There's transition to stress
in all sorts of contexts, and the great challenge that
we've got is working out how we can guide our
children support our children through them. Thank you and honam
us for your very tricky question. If you would like
(12:34):
to submit your question, you can email us podcasts at
happy families dot com dot you. But better yet, leave
us a voice note or a voice recording at happy
families dot com dot U. Super simple system. Just scroll
down to podcasts, click the record button, start talking. We
love hearing from you. We want you on the podcast.
The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from
Bridge Media. If you would like more information and more
(12:57):
resources to make your family happier, check out happy families
dot com dot au hm
Sometimes when you're co parenting, the kids come back to
your place and they're disregulated, they're out of sorts, they're
not the way you want them to be, and they're
certainly not the way that they will when you drop
them off at your ex's place. Today. What to do
when your child is deregulated when they come home from
being with their other parent Today, Welcome to the Happy
(00:26):
Families Podcast. It's real parenting solutions every day on Australia's
most downloaded parenting podcast. We are Justin and Kylie Courson,
and every Tuesday on the pod we answer the tricky
questions that you've got about raising your kids, family stuff,
relationship stuff, wellbeing, screens, discipline, co parenting. If you would
like to submit a tricky question, we have a really
(00:46):
super simple system at Happy families dot com dot Au.
You just scroll down the podcasts, click the record button
and start talking like an anonymous person who chose not
to record, but send us an email instead via podcast
a Happy families dot com dot Au from anonymous, how
can I help my four year old grandson? He lives
(01:06):
with us and has fortnightly weekend visitation with his father.
When he comes home, he is so disregulated tantrum's and
next level for hours after getting home. I'm looking for
tips to help ease these feelings. Noe. This behavior is
only concerned after the visitation because of the severity of
(01:27):
the behavior. Please help. So today, let's uncover three things.
First off, what's going on behind the behavior? Number two,
how can we create a support of transition environment? And
number three, how do we build emotional bridges between homes? Kylie,
you and I have had a philosophy around tantrums for
as long as we've had children, and it's a pretty
(01:49):
simple one.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Tantrums aren't bad behavior. They're actually an opportunity for our
kids to communicate to us. They just don't have the
skills to sit down and go, ho, mum, I'm.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
Having a really hard time now, Yeah, that's right, Like I.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
This a meltdown because they are struggling so much with
their world.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Four year olds when their emotions are high don't tend
to say can we have a minute and just talk
because there's a handful of things going through my mind
that I really need to walk through with you and problem.
So they just don't. They don't go to high emotions
low intelligence. I think It was one of our listeners, Jess,
who email us and said, you can't think straight in
the high emotion state. It's true for us, it's definitely
(02:26):
true for our children, and so we call this distress
during the transition literally transition distress that is moving between environments.
It's a normal response because I am moving into an
environment that's different to one that I'm in, and I
don't have the emotion and behavior regulation, nor do I
have the words to explain what's going on, and so
I behave in a disregulated way, transition distress.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
I was actually having this exact conversation with a beautiful
friend of mine recently, and she's in exactly the same situation,
and her five year old came home and she's said,
it's literally like the light in his eyes have gone out.
He's not the child that I sent off to his dad.
He comes home and he's just a completely different kid.
(03:14):
And so I think one of the most important things
that we can do in that space is to literally
take away all expectations in this moment.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
Yeah, yeah, I want to talk about that as part
of our transition toolkit. Let me wrap up this five
year old or this four year old depending on whether
it's your story or the one from this grandma. This
situation essentially, when a child comes home and then they
have that meltdown and they're going through this transition. There's
this stress around the transition, but then they release all
their emotions because now they're in a space that feels
safe to them and they know that they're allowed to
(03:45):
let it out. Sometimes you hear about autistic kids who
come home and then they take the mask off and
they just lose it because they've been trying so hard
to keep it together while they've been at school or
something like that. And so this is the this is
the challenge that we face. Right, We've got this tantrum
that's actually a stress response, and paradoxically, it's a sign
(04:06):
of trust and it's a predictable pattern, like we kind
of know what's going to happen. Pressure builds during the transition,
then it releases when your child feels safe. And in
this situation there's often a lot of accusation. I just
want to highlight this, we don't know and I want
to be really sensitive here. We don't know what's going on,
don't know what's happening at dad's. Dad might actually be
doing a great job, but the child's simply distressed because
(04:29):
of the transition. Dad could be doing a terrible job,
which is promoting the transition distress. What we know with
little kids is that there is a transition storm and
it's going to be a potential challenge regardless of what's
going on in one context or the other.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
The reality is for children, especially young children, they need consistency,
totally consistency and routine consistency and environment consistency in caregiver
like that makes such a difference to their sense of
well being in security. So, like you've acknowledged, it doesn't
actually matter whether what's happening at Dad's house is great
(05:07):
or bad, the outcome will often be the same because
there's a change. And that's literally what we're experiencing. There
is a change in the environment, there's a change in
the caregiver, and now you're four year old in his
limited life experience has to recalibrate and that's what we're
dealing with right now. So recalibration.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Yeah, So after break the transition Toolkit, we have four
ideas for you there as well as how you can
build some effective communication bridges. I guess between your child
and the transition challenges that you're facing. Okay, Kylie. A
(05:49):
transition toolkit for a child who's struggling with moving from
one environment to another in a copering situation. Four things
from me. You might want to add a couple of
things around around the edge of this, but they're fairly
simple and quite self explanatory. Number One, you want to
create a soft landing after pick up. That's what you
were hinting at before. Keep things really really smooth, expect
(06:10):
the storm plan accordingly. Keep those first few hours really quiet,
low stimulation, avoid errands and extracurricular activities, social gatherings immediately
after the pickup. Just keep it low key. Second thing,
have some consistent connection rituals. So every time he comes
home to you, have that special book, maybe it's a
(06:31):
photo album, that snack, have that quiet activity, the thing
that you're reading together, something predictable that signals we're back together.
The third thing, focus on regulation before you step into
any big conversations or anything. So hugs gentle, physical comfort
so long as he's okay with that, calm, easy speaking
to help reset his nervous system, maybe even doing some
(06:54):
box breathing or some general meditation or body scans that
kind of thing, just to focus on being calm before
you're getting into things.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
I want to count you on this because I love
the calm thing and I think that it's really important.
But for some kids, I actually think they need to
let out the pent up energy that they're experiencing. And
the other day I saw this reel and it just
resonated with me beautifully because I think it's something that
Emily would have responded to so well. A few years ago,
(07:24):
when her son comes home from school, they play this
game and she's got socks on there on the floorboards,
and he gets to push against her hands as hard
as he can, and he's got to try and move
her across the floor to a certain point, and he's
using all of his body strength. Mum wearing socks obviously
is going to let him win, but in the process
(07:46):
of doing that, he actually gets out a whole heap
of pent up energy through that process, and then they
roll over and have a big laugh together.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Okay, So I've got thoughts on this. Two different thoughts.
First of all, if it works for you, that's great, wonderful, fantastic.
Second thought, there is quite a bit of research that
shows that this idea of using aggression to get it
out can also backfire. That it can become a thing
where it can become aggressive and it can become unhelpful
as well. So I'm going to say maybe maybe not
certainly looks like fun on Instagram in real life, it
(08:16):
might work, but it could also it could also backfire
either way. What we're really emphasizing here is soft landings,
consistency and predictability, and generally some form of regulation. Now
that regulation might come through physical activity, it may come
through deep breathing and gentleness. Either way, we're doing something
before we step into conversations. And if the emotions are
(08:38):
really big, my fourth idea is just validate those emotions,
but don't endorse the behaviors. So I get that you're
having really big feelings right now, or it's okay to
feel upset. Sometimes when we move from one place to another,
we feel upset. You're setting in really clear boundaries, but
you're accepting the feelings. That validation is really important. They're
the main things that I would suggest are going to
be useful. I think we've also got to be better
(08:59):
at our communication, though, Like if we can create effective
communication with our four year old or a five year old,
we're going to find that they're better able to regulate
themselves because it all makes sense. So you can just
put a calendar on the wall and highlight when the
visits are happening, so there's a countdown system. For younger kids.
You can have transitional objects, so there's that one toy
(09:20):
that goes from this house to that house and it's
the one thing that they always have that keeps them
feeling good. Or a photo album with both households involved
in the photo album to make it all feel a
bit more seamless.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
Maybe whenever there's a pickup or a transition, there's a
favorite snack.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Yeah, or a quick outing, let's go and get that
hot chocolate, the baby china, whatever it is that you
love to do. Those kinds of things just promote that routine,
that sense of safety, that predictability. There's a special something
about it, so it feels like it's a bit of
a treat. Those are the kinds of things that are
going to be really, really, really helpful.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
But I think the main thing about this is recognizing
that your child is having big emotions, and that's actually okay.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
Yes, yeah, especially for such a complex situation, you'd expect
complex emotional experiences.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
And so allowing your children to work through those emotions
in a safe space is actually a beautiful gift that
you can give them.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Okay, I want to talk just briefly about the communication
between households. This is always going to be awkward. It
can be really tricky, especially if there's any disharmony in
the relationship, and often there is there's some acrimony. So
what I would encourage would be a couple of things.
Number One, I'd just be saying, hey, how are you
finding it like you're finding this regulation when we drop
off to you, because we're getting a bit when it's
coming back our way. We just want to know how
(10:33):
that's going and what we can do to make things better.
In both directions, I would be encouraging consistent bedtimes, consistent
meal times, consistent dietary expectations. Like if we've got a
Disneyland dad who's going to get up on sugar and
ice cream and soft drinks and fast food and all
that kind of thing, and then we're trying to eat healthy,
then there's going to be some challenges around that. And
(10:55):
I think that both households. Just you said it at
the start, and you said it so well. The tantrum
is a signal that we've got a child who is
processing a whole lot of complexity, but there is communication here.
The tantrum is an indicator that we've got a child
experiencing challenge.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
So I guess if we were to wrap this all up,
the most important gift we can give our kids is
a consistent, compassionate response. Yeah. I would have been creating
some perfect strategy.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
Perfect I was going to say that. Yeah, like we
can get all caught up in the I've got to
do this and this and this and this and this.
But so long as your child feels loved and gets
that compassion, I think that's going to be the most
important thing. The other stuff matters, but not as important
as your response to the child.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
The second thing is helping them through these transitions. You're
actually teaching them some really important skills in their emotional regulation.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Right. So the more emotionally intelligent you are, the more
that child will learn how to regulate. If you can
be regulated yourself.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
Yeah, So one of the things we do in our
home often is are you essential oils and without having
to teach them anything, just purely putting the oils on
their body, they instantly take a deep breath and they
regulate themselves in that process.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Okay, so ultimately the storm's going to pass and you
are the steady presence that's going to help them to
weather the storm. Transition difficulties exist. There's transition to stress
in all sorts of contexts, and the great challenge that
we've got is working out how we can guide our
children support our children through them. Thank you and honam
us for your very tricky question. If you would like
(12:34):
to submit your question, you can email us podcasts at
happy families dot com dot you. But better yet, leave
us a voice note or a voice recording at happy
families dot com dot U. Super simple system. Just scroll
down to podcasts, click the record button, start talking. We
love hearing from you. We want you on the podcast.
The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from
Bridge Media. If you would like more information and more
(12:57):
resources to make your family happier, check out happy families
dot com dot au hm
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