May 25, 2025 • 18 mins
Is your child’s schedule packed from morning to night—or are they struggling with too much downtime? Today we explore the pressure parents feel to provide enrichment, the unintended consequences of overscheduling, and why finding the "sweet spot" of activities matters. Plus, we give practical, compassionate guidance to help families strike a healthy balance between stimulation, growth, and the simple joys of being a kid.
KEY POINTS:
- The Pressure to Perform: Some communities foster competitive parenting cultures where success is measured by how "busy" and advanced kids are.
- Overscheduling Risks: Too many activities, especially at a young age, can lead to burnout, injury, anxiety, and screen dependence.
- The Value of Boredom: Downtime activates the brain’s default mode network, critical for identity formation and creativity.
- Joy Over Achievement: Extra-curriculars should feel like a highlight of the week—not a chore.
- Parental Motivations: Sometimes we push activities to validate our own efforts, not because they truly benefit the child.
- Finding the Sweet Spot: One or two joy-filled, child-led activities per week—plus unstructured time for play and connection—is often enough.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:
“Sometimes the best thing for a child is simply the freedom to be a child.”
— Justin Coulson
RESOURCES MENTIONED:
- Happy Families Website: happyfamilies.com.au
- Justin Coulson's books and parenting presentations (particularly on resilience and child development)
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:
- Evaluate Motivations: Ask yourself if the activities your child is in are for their growth—or your peace of mind or pride.
- Limit Activities: Aim for 1–2 extracurriculars per week, chosen based on your child’s genuine interests and capacity.
- Prioritise Unstructured Play: Make space for relaxed, screen-free time with friends or solo play to develop creativity and identity.
- Watch for Burnout Signs: If your child resists or dreads their activities, it may be time to scale back.
- Invest in Family Time: Schedule regular, quality time together. Family connection is foundational to wellbeing.
- Redefine Boredom: Don’t rush to fill every moment. Boredom can be a gateway to deeper thinking and imagination.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Sometimes it feels like parenting is an Olympic sport. And
I'm not talking about how exhausted we are at the
end of every day. That's kind of just part of
being a human. Instead, I'm talking about what happens certainly
in some postcodes and some parenting cohorts. There's just a
lot going on today. We have a look at the
competitive parenting culture and how we make sure that our
kids are getting enough enrichment without being overscheduled. How do
(00:30):
we get this balance right? Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast,
Real parenting Solutions every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast.
We are Justin and Kylie Coulson. Kylie, parenting sometimes feels
like a gladiator sport, even if you're not competing with
everybody else, you just feel like you've run a marathon
at the end of every day, especially with multiple kids
and so many activities to be doing.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
And I think it's even more complicated now that we've
got social media and we're watching everybody else's lives in
real time happening before us, and feeling like where behind
the eight ball all the time?
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Massive, massive, what's the word amplification magnification of it. I
have a controversial take, and I know that this is
going to be unfair in a lot of areas, but
in some places I think that I'm bang on. I'm
scared to say it, but I'm going to say it anyway.
I think sometimes there's this I don't know if it's innate,
maybe it's in a maybe it's a social construction. But
(01:24):
there are some pockets of our communities where mums are super,
super competitive, and I think that it's hurting our children,
Like from the time that they're born, my child is
hitting these developmental miles stones. First, I've got a gifted child.
They're winning everything, They're amazing, and I kind of feel
like we get caught up in this parenting rug rat
(01:44):
race where many people just want their kids to outshine
everyone else's.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
You're right, it is very controversial and provocative, and I
don't ingree it entirely with you. I have watched it,
and I've seen the competitive streak in women in general
and mums, but I do not believe it's a nate
If I think that culturally we have created an environment
where we feel like it's dog eat dog, it's just
(02:11):
in a totally different setting than do you.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Think it's the whole I've got to fulfill my child's potential.
I've got to help them to optimize every aspect of
their development. Like that's well intentioned rather than a competitive thing.
It's not about beating everyone else. It's just about being
the best, because then you're being a model of the
optimization that I've pushed you towards.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
No, I think it's a scarcity mentality that there's not
enough good jobs out there, there's not enough good places
for my kid to be, and if they're not the best,
then they're not going to have the life that I
want them to have because I didn't get it when
I was a kid, or I think it's more that
than it is anything else.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
Well, I'm fine with the not innate thing, but I
still think that in some areas there's just this competitiveness.
Sometimes it's well intentioned, other times I'm not convinced. And
I'm going to point the finger squarely in the direction
of the eastern suburbs of Sydney, although there are pockets
around the country that do this. I jumped online in
prep for this podcast, and here's what I found. You
can get your eighteen month old child signed up for ballet. Wow,
(03:10):
I just want to let that sit for a secon
eighteen months old signing up for ballet.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
I have seen your sister's feet.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
Oh, my sister's a professional dancer. She's been dancing since
she was a teenager or maybe a little bit younger
than that.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
She's in her mid thirties, right, And that they're not normal,
that they're not in any way, shape or form.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
You can sign your kids up for soccer at three, which, again,
like kids don't need to be competing against other kids
at three. The ball is almost as big as the
three ords. So let's be honest. I found something and
I don't This is legit, but it sounds so weird
even to be saying it. You can literally get your
six week old involved in fitness classes, which is not
(03:54):
really fitness for the kids. It's really just about I guess,
being with them and moving their bodies around. A special
call out brain Thrive, which is music based educational classes
for nine month olds. Your kids aren't going to learn
to be a brilliant guitarist, drama piano player at nine
months old. And we know that the baby mozart stuff
is not legit, like there's no research to support that.
(04:15):
And I hear this stuff and I just think it's competition,
Like we're pushing our kids so hard because we want
we want to maximize their potential. The financial burden of
these programs on families or maybe not in some places,
maybe that's why it's happening. But for me, there's this
bigger issue around the developmental readiness of children and what
it teaches children about the world. And again to stir
(04:41):
the pot and still no, it's actually a legitimate question.
Why are we signing kids up for stuff at six
weeks or three years old or nine month old brain
thrive music classes and that kind of thing. I feel
as though it's more for our validation than for their benefit.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
So I'm going to push back on you again. I
actually don't. I think that in some cases you're exactly right.
But I actually think that there's two things happening. As parents,
we're more distracted than we've ever been, and the idea
that somebody is going to dictate what happens in any
given space and allows us a mental break is an
(05:21):
important point. But secondly, I think that as mothers in general,
there is so much competing information out there. We've actually
lost the ability to trust our own instincts and to
value our own input and what we bring to children's lives.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
So, speaking of losing the ability, is it possible? And
I recognize like I'm being pretty open about this on
our pod today. I'm not usually quite this open. And
it does sound like I'm doing a bit of parent shaming.
I probably am, and that's pretty unusual for me. I
want to be supportive. I want to be in parents' corn.
Am I taking it for granted that not every parent
knows a whole lot of stuff about child development? Am
(06:05):
I taking it for granted that what I know, what
we talk about in this podcast is not common knowledge.
It just doesn't make sense to me that parents are
pushing their kids under the age of four, five, six,
even seven or eight into so many schedule activities. It's
not in the child's best interest. Is it possible that
parents are so distracted by what they're seeing on social
(06:26):
media or by their own hopes for their children, that
they they don't understand child development? Like you said, they've
lost trust, They've lost trust in their ability to read
their child and what's good for their child.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
I don't think that they've lost trust in it. They've
never trusted it. They actually have never trusted that they
actually know what their child needs because you read one
book and it tells you to do X, Y and Z,
and then the next book's are total.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Well, they haven't been reading my book. Contradiction everyone, Every
one of these words.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
Would be a contradictions out there.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
It probably is. All right, after the break, here's what
we're going to do. I'm going to lay out the
developmental case against overscheduling our kids, why too many activities
has a negative impact on them, and especially starting too young.
You're going to talk about what we can do instead,
and how to find the sweet spot so that when
our children are the right developmental stage, we can get
them involved in the appropriate number of the appropriate activities
at the appropriate time, for the appropriate reasons. That's all
(07:23):
coming up in just a set, all right, the developmental
case against overscheduling our kids, starting them off too young
and so on. First off, when they're too young, they
just don't get the downtime to figure things out. And frankly,
you're mostly wasting your time and money because it's not
(07:45):
sinking in. A nine month old is not going to
learn how to be a baby Mozart.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
But you also take the joy out of it because
there is an adult in the room who is dictating
what needs to happen in order for them to progress right,
instead of allowing them to just explore and actually enjoy
whatever the activity is, whether it be kicking a ball.
We're now in a formalized soccer game as a three
year old, as opposed to just being in the backyard
(08:09):
having a kick with dad.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
Cheaper and probably more fun.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
Well not only more fun, it's the relationship that develops
and grows, the connection that that child experiences with one
trusted adult as opposed to being in a class with
a holy of three year olds that don't know what
they're doing.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
Yeah, as children get older as well, we find that
there are going to be impacts on schoolwork, family time, sleep,
stress levels, in fairness and indifference to some families that
I've seen who really do schedule their children extremely heavily.
I was doing a pr campaign. There was a young
boy who was involved in that campaign some years ago.
He was doing eleven. I spoke to his mum. He
(08:48):
was doing eleven extra curricular activities a week. Now I
do not know. Number one, how you pay for that
many extra curricular activities a week. Number two, how you
get your child too that many extra curricular activities a week.
He was doing music, he was doing drama, he was
doing art, he was doing sport, and he was doing
multiples of each.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
I would suggest that she wasn't getting him to all
of them. Based on our experiences at different schools, I
would say that a lot of his extracurriculars would have
been a part of his school education.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
Probably also worth adding they did have an any which
would definitely make that easier. But I just the impact
of doing that many activities on a child is significant. Now.
I mean, he was well justed, he was a really
happy kid, seemed fantastic, but over time it's just a lot.
There are known and well documented physical dangers of doing
(09:38):
too many sports, particularly sports early sports specialization from an
injury point of view, overuse of growing bones and muscles,
and also burnout. And I think the other thing that
I've seen happen is a lot of parents will be like, well,
because I'm keeping my child that busy. When they are home,
they just use the screen because they're doing so much.
(10:00):
I don't have to worry about them being on the
screen because I've got them in so many structured activities,
and I kind of feel like there's this irony here
that we schedule all of this enrichment, but we could
actually create stressed out, screen dependent kids because there's so
much going on. Provocative take, But I just think there's
an argument against, a really strong argument against overscheduling, And
(10:23):
like I said, in researching for this particular podcast episode,
I just I saw so much of it.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
So I guess on the flip side of that, if
we're not overscheduling our kids, then we run the risk
that they get bort or worse, they're under our feet
all the time.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, And I think.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
That that is often part of the challenge that parents
have if I don't put the kids into this activity,
that I'm going to spend the whole afternoon with them
at me because they're bored. I don't want them on
a screen.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
I want them outside, or they'll be at me to
get on the screen all afternoon. Yeah. So there is
a dark side boredom, depression and anxiety. If you're bored
and you don't have resources and don't do anything about
the boredom don't get creative, don't get active, Then boredom
has a dark side. Mmy blogus love to write about
the benefits of boredom, but I think that boredom can
(11:13):
be quite dangerous.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
It's interesting that you say that to me, because before
screens were an option, where was anxiety and depression levels
at that point?
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Well, we have good data that shows that anxiety and
depression levels still existed but were nowhere near the levels
they are today.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
Yes, so I look at my childhood and I grew
up in I would consider an average family, but we
didn't have the means to do a lot of extra
curricular activities, and I didn't do any But I don't
I don't remember ever sitting in my room staring at
the walls thinking I'm bored. And I feel like as
(11:50):
a result of overscheduling our kids and introducing handheld screens
into their world, we've actually created boredom because they don't
know how to do anything on their own because there's
always something.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
There, always so much stimulation.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
To stimulate them. Exactly.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
Yeah, So I've spoken about this on the podcast a
couple of times, but it's so important. I just I
want to keep on emphasizing it. There's this part of
your brain called the default mode network. That is, when
your brain doesn't have anything to do, it slips into
default mode and a whole different network of the brain
kicks off. When the default mode network is active, well,
it's active because you're not on a screen. There's no stimulation,
there's nothing exciting your brain, and so you get to
(12:30):
you get to do what you just get to think
about stuff. So you might think about what you've got
to do this afternoon, all this weekend. You might think
about the whole day that you're planning. You might think
about the person that you've got to crash on. If
you're a teenager, you might think about who you are,
what your values are. You might think about that thing
that you said earlier, that was that a mistake? Should
I apologize for that? You start to do the inner work,
(12:50):
You work on your identity. That's the default mode network's job.
And our kids, because they're so stimulated, because they're so scheduled,
especially in some of these communities and post codes that
I'm refering to, they don't get the chance to do
the inner work. There's a values deficit. And we hear
all these stories of the time about kids that are
getting up to know good and now. Part of that
is because teenagers have always been a little bit challenging,
(13:12):
but part of it is because they're not doing the
inner work. They don't have the downtime to quote unquote
be bored to sit in their room and go who
am I and what am I about? I might journal,
like how many kids journal today versus ten twenty thirty
years ago. It's almost a lost art form. Or sit
down and write a letter and open up your heart.
When you write, you process things differently, You're thinking in
(13:32):
different ways. These are the things that help people to
develop their character, help them to develop their values. And
because we overschedule our children, they have lost the art
of day dreaming and it's important for cognitive development and
for identity development. So we need to find a sweet spot.
That's the whole purpose of this podcast. We've kind of
covered a whole lot of different areas and being quite
(13:54):
broad here, but if I was to bring it right
back when it comes to your children, they need downtime,
but we also want them to have enrichment activities so
that they can succeed in life. Over the years, as
we have raised six children. We've come up with some
fairly clear guidelines around what we think works to find
the sweet spot so that children are activated and engaged
(14:17):
in life and doing things, but not overscheduled, burden stressed,
and then looking for every opportunity to stare at a
screen when they're not doing anything.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
When you say that, the words that come to my
mind is the extracurricular activities that our children engage in
should actually feel like a joy point in their lives.
It literally should feel like this is the highlight of
my week. I talk most it's a holiday right from
the norm.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
I do my parenting presentation on resilience, and I share
the story about how our daughter Chanell wanted to ride
velodrome track cycling with me, and for the first three
weeks she loved it, and then when she got her
backside completely handed to her every single week, she decided
she didn't want to do it anymore. She wasn't enjoy it.
Number one, she didn't really have relationships with the other girls.
Number Two, she was not competent. She was being absolutely annihilated.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
Well, there was no one else her age. She was
actually competing it, but against kids who were much older than.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
And they were lapping her in every race. The situation
got so dire though. I mean I was saying, well,
I paid for the bike, we paid for the kid,
you're going to come down, you're going to race that
I was. I literally grabbed it by the arm and
I dragged her to the car. I'm like, you're going
to race tonight because I've spent all this money and
you're going to do this. This is the extra curricular
activity that you wanted to do. I remember thinking as
I was dragging her to the car, why am I
(15:34):
doing this? Who is this for? Because it's clearly not
for her anymore, Like this is for me, not for
my ego, but maybe for me to feel better about
having spent all the money. That's right. And I really
did want her to fall in love with cycling so
we could have that activity that we could do together.
That was important to me as well. But it ended
up that it was just a better decision. Once you're
dragging them to the car, it's not bringing them joy
(15:55):
and it's not a release for them from their regular activities.
So I love that. I love that insight. We've essentially
decided in our family, and every family will be different
based on the number of kids you've got and what
your financial and time resources are. But we've decided that
one or two activities per week is probably enough, and
those activities have to be based on the child's genuine interests,
(16:20):
not the parents. Not because this is what I did
when I was a kid, not because I'm ambitious for
my child to go on and do this or do
that in their lives. It's just got to be that.
The other sweet spot, and we've talked about this many
times on the podcast, it's finding time for quality togetherness
as a family. It's non negotiable, whether it's Super Saturday,
or you're having a family night one night in the week,
(16:41):
or whatever that might be.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
I think my extension on that is, as I think
about our eleven year old specifically, the joy point in
her week is the time when she's able to connect
with her friends. So I actually, as we've got go
on through this process, feel like those connection points with
(17:04):
friends who are like minded and enjoy the same kinds
of activities has more health benefit to her mentally, emotionally,
and physically than any other extracurricular activity we put her in.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
Let me get really concrete about this, her favorite time
of the week is Wednesday afternoon when you go down
to the local park and meet up with some homeschool
families and the kids run around in a completely unstructured
way with no expectations and no priorities and no competition.
They just play for three to four hours, yeah, on
a Wednesday afternoon, and they are in heaven like it's
their favorite thing. So it's not a scheduled, structured activity.
(17:46):
Rather it's an unstructured activity where they're figuring out relationships,
they're solving the world's problems as eleven year olds do,
and they're just having fun. And that really is the
uncomplicated truth about what our children need when it comes
to scheduled activities and being overscheduled or not getting enough play,
sometimes the best thing for a child is simply the
(18:07):
freedom to be a child. The Happy Family's podcast is
produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. For more information
and more resources to make your family happier, please visit
us at happyfamilies dot com dot au.
Sometimes it feels like parenting is an Olympic sport. And
I'm not talking about how exhausted we are at the
end of every day. That's kind of just part of
being a human. Instead, I'm talking about what happens certainly
in some postcodes and some parenting cohorts. There's just a
lot going on today. We have a look at the
competitive parenting culture and how we make sure that our
kids are getting enough enrichment without being overscheduled. How do
(00:30):
we get this balance right? Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast,
Real parenting Solutions every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast.
We are Justin and Kylie Coulson. Kylie, parenting sometimes feels
like a gladiator sport, even if you're not competing with
everybody else, you just feel like you've run a marathon
at the end of every day, especially with multiple kids
and so many activities to be doing.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
And I think it's even more complicated now that we've
got social media and we're watching everybody else's lives in
real time happening before us, and feeling like where behind
the eight ball all the time?
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Massive, massive, what's the word amplification magnification of it. I
have a controversial take, and I know that this is
going to be unfair in a lot of areas, but
in some places I think that I'm bang on. I'm
scared to say it, but I'm going to say it anyway.
I think sometimes there's this I don't know if it's innate,
maybe it's in a maybe it's a social construction. But
(01:24):
there are some pockets of our communities where mums are super,
super competitive, and I think that it's hurting our children,
Like from the time that they're born, my child is
hitting these developmental miles stones. First, I've got a gifted child.
They're winning everything, They're amazing, and I kind of feel
like we get caught up in this parenting rug rat
(01:44):
race where many people just want their kids to outshine
everyone else's.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
You're right, it is very controversial and provocative, and I
don't ingree it entirely with you. I have watched it,
and I've seen the competitive streak in women in general
and mums, but I do not believe it's a nate
If I think that culturally we have created an environment
where we feel like it's dog eat dog, it's just
(02:11):
in a totally different setting than do you.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Think it's the whole I've got to fulfill my child's potential.
I've got to help them to optimize every aspect of
their development. Like that's well intentioned rather than a competitive thing.
It's not about beating everyone else. It's just about being
the best, because then you're being a model of the
optimization that I've pushed you towards.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
No, I think it's a scarcity mentality that there's not
enough good jobs out there, there's not enough good places
for my kid to be, and if they're not the best,
then they're not going to have the life that I
want them to have because I didn't get it when
I was a kid, or I think it's more that
than it is anything else.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
Well, I'm fine with the not innate thing, but I
still think that in some areas there's just this competitiveness.
Sometimes it's well intentioned, other times I'm not convinced. And
I'm going to point the finger squarely in the direction
of the eastern suburbs of Sydney, although there are pockets
around the country that do this. I jumped online in
prep for this podcast, and here's what I found. You
can get your eighteen month old child signed up for ballet. Wow,
(03:10):
I just want to let that sit for a secon
eighteen months old signing up for ballet.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
I have seen your sister's feet.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
Oh, my sister's a professional dancer. She's been dancing since
she was a teenager or maybe a little bit younger
than that.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
She's in her mid thirties, right, And that they're not normal,
that they're not in any way, shape or form.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
You can sign your kids up for soccer at three, which, again,
like kids don't need to be competing against other kids
at three. The ball is almost as big as the
three ords. So let's be honest. I found something and
I don't This is legit, but it sounds so weird
even to be saying it. You can literally get your
six week old involved in fitness classes, which is not
(03:54):
really fitness for the kids. It's really just about I guess,
being with them and moving their bodies around. A special
call out brain Thrive, which is music based educational classes
for nine month olds. Your kids aren't going to learn
to be a brilliant guitarist, drama piano player at nine
months old. And we know that the baby mozart stuff
is not legit, like there's no research to support that.
(04:15):
And I hear this stuff and I just think it's competition,
Like we're pushing our kids so hard because we want
we want to maximize their potential. The financial burden of
these programs on families or maybe not in some places,
maybe that's why it's happening. But for me, there's this
bigger issue around the developmental readiness of children and what
it teaches children about the world. And again to stir
(04:41):
the pot and still no, it's actually a legitimate question.
Why are we signing kids up for stuff at six
weeks or three years old or nine month old brain
thrive music classes and that kind of thing. I feel
as though it's more for our validation than for their benefit.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
So I'm going to push back on you again. I
actually don't. I think that in some cases you're exactly right.
But I actually think that there's two things happening. As parents,
we're more distracted than we've ever been, and the idea
that somebody is going to dictate what happens in any
given space and allows us a mental break is an
(05:21):
important point. But secondly, I think that as mothers in general,
there is so much competing information out there. We've actually
lost the ability to trust our own instincts and to
value our own input and what we bring to children's lives.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
So, speaking of losing the ability, is it possible? And
I recognize like I'm being pretty open about this on
our pod today. I'm not usually quite this open. And
it does sound like I'm doing a bit of parent shaming.
I probably am, and that's pretty unusual for me. I
want to be supportive. I want to be in parents' corn.
Am I taking it for granted that not every parent
knows a whole lot of stuff about child development? Am
(06:05):
I taking it for granted that what I know, what
we talk about in this podcast is not common knowledge.
It just doesn't make sense to me that parents are
pushing their kids under the age of four, five, six,
even seven or eight into so many schedule activities. It's
not in the child's best interest. Is it possible that
parents are so distracted by what they're seeing on social
(06:26):
media or by their own hopes for their children, that
they they don't understand child development? Like you said, they've
lost trust, They've lost trust in their ability to read
their child and what's good for their child.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
I don't think that they've lost trust in it. They've
never trusted it. They actually have never trusted that they
actually know what their child needs because you read one
book and it tells you to do X, Y and Z,
and then the next book's are total.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Well, they haven't been reading my book. Contradiction everyone, Every
one of these words.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
Would be a contradictions out there.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
It probably is. All right, after the break, here's what
we're going to do. I'm going to lay out the
developmental case against overscheduling our kids, why too many activities
has a negative impact on them, and especially starting too young.
You're going to talk about what we can do instead,
and how to find the sweet spot so that when
our children are the right developmental stage, we can get
them involved in the appropriate number of the appropriate activities
at the appropriate time, for the appropriate reasons. That's all
(07:23):
coming up in just a set, all right, the developmental
case against overscheduling our kids, starting them off too young
and so on. First off, when they're too young, they
just don't get the downtime to figure things out. And frankly,
you're mostly wasting your time and money because it's not
(07:45):
sinking in. A nine month old is not going to
learn how to be a baby Mozart.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
But you also take the joy out of it because
there is an adult in the room who is dictating
what needs to happen in order for them to progress right,
instead of allowing them to just explore and actually enjoy
whatever the activity is, whether it be kicking a ball.
We're now in a formalized soccer game as a three
year old, as opposed to just being in the backyard
(08:09):
having a kick with dad.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
Cheaper and probably more fun.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
Well not only more fun, it's the relationship that develops
and grows, the connection that that child experiences with one
trusted adult as opposed to being in a class with
a holy of three year olds that don't know what
they're doing.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
Yeah, as children get older as well, we find that
there are going to be impacts on schoolwork, family time, sleep,
stress levels, in fairness and indifference to some families that
I've seen who really do schedule their children extremely heavily.
I was doing a pr campaign. There was a young
boy who was involved in that campaign some years ago.
He was doing eleven. I spoke to his mum. He
(08:48):
was doing eleven extra curricular activities a week. Now I
do not know. Number one, how you pay for that
many extra curricular activities a week. Number two, how you
get your child too that many extra curricular activities a week.
He was doing music, he was doing drama, he was
doing art, he was doing sport, and he was doing
multiples of each.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
I would suggest that she wasn't getting him to all
of them. Based on our experiences at different schools, I
would say that a lot of his extracurriculars would have
been a part of his school education.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
Probably also worth adding they did have an any which
would definitely make that easier. But I just the impact
of doing that many activities on a child is significant. Now.
I mean, he was well justed, he was a really
happy kid, seemed fantastic, but over time it's just a lot.
There are known and well documented physical dangers of doing
(09:38):
too many sports, particularly sports early sports specialization from an
injury point of view, overuse of growing bones and muscles,
and also burnout. And I think the other thing that
I've seen happen is a lot of parents will be like, well,
because I'm keeping my child that busy. When they are home,
they just use the screen because they're doing so much.
(10:00):
I don't have to worry about them being on the
screen because I've got them in so many structured activities,
and I kind of feel like there's this irony here
that we schedule all of this enrichment, but we could
actually create stressed out, screen dependent kids because there's so
much going on. Provocative take, But I just think there's
an argument against, a really strong argument against overscheduling, And
(10:23):
like I said, in researching for this particular podcast episode,
I just I saw so much of it.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
So I guess on the flip side of that, if
we're not overscheduling our kids, then we run the risk
that they get bort or worse, they're under our feet
all the time.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, And I think.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
That that is often part of the challenge that parents
have if I don't put the kids into this activity,
that I'm going to spend the whole afternoon with them
at me because they're bored. I don't want them on
a screen.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
I want them outside, or they'll be at me to
get on the screen all afternoon. Yeah. So there is
a dark side boredom, depression and anxiety. If you're bored
and you don't have resources and don't do anything about
the boredom don't get creative, don't get active, Then boredom
has a dark side. Mmy blogus love to write about
the benefits of boredom, but I think that boredom can
(11:13):
be quite dangerous.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
It's interesting that you say that to me, because before
screens were an option, where was anxiety and depression levels
at that point?
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Well, we have good data that shows that anxiety and
depression levels still existed but were nowhere near the levels
they are today.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
Yes, so I look at my childhood and I grew
up in I would consider an average family, but we
didn't have the means to do a lot of extra
curricular activities, and I didn't do any But I don't
I don't remember ever sitting in my room staring at
the walls thinking I'm bored. And I feel like as
(11:50):
a result of overscheduling our kids and introducing handheld screens
into their world, we've actually created boredom because they don't
know how to do anything on their own because there's
always something.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
There, always so much stimulation.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
To stimulate them. Exactly.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
Yeah, So I've spoken about this on the podcast a
couple of times, but it's so important. I just I
want to keep on emphasizing it. There's this part of
your brain called the default mode network. That is, when
your brain doesn't have anything to do, it slips into
default mode and a whole different network of the brain
kicks off. When the default mode network is active, well,
it's active because you're not on a screen. There's no stimulation,
there's nothing exciting your brain, and so you get to
(12:30):
you get to do what you just get to think
about stuff. So you might think about what you've got
to do this afternoon, all this weekend. You might think
about the whole day that you're planning. You might think
about the person that you've got to crash on. If
you're a teenager, you might think about who you are,
what your values are. You might think about that thing
that you said earlier, that was that a mistake? Should
I apologize for that? You start to do the inner work,
(12:50):
You work on your identity. That's the default mode network's job.
And our kids, because they're so stimulated, because they're so scheduled,
especially in some of these communities and post codes that
I'm refering to, they don't get the chance to do
the inner work. There's a values deficit. And we hear
all these stories of the time about kids that are
getting up to know good and now. Part of that
is because teenagers have always been a little bit challenging,
(13:12):
but part of it is because they're not doing the
inner work. They don't have the downtime to quote unquote
be bored to sit in their room and go who
am I and what am I about? I might journal,
like how many kids journal today versus ten twenty thirty
years ago. It's almost a lost art form. Or sit
down and write a letter and open up your heart.
When you write, you process things differently, You're thinking in
(13:32):
different ways. These are the things that help people to
develop their character, help them to develop their values. And
because we overschedule our children, they have lost the art
of day dreaming and it's important for cognitive development and
for identity development. So we need to find a sweet spot.
That's the whole purpose of this podcast. We've kind of
covered a whole lot of different areas and being quite
(13:54):
broad here, but if I was to bring it right
back when it comes to your children, they need downtime,
but we also want them to have enrichment activities so
that they can succeed in life. Over the years, as
we have raised six children. We've come up with some
fairly clear guidelines around what we think works to find
the sweet spot so that children are activated and engaged
(14:17):
in life and doing things, but not overscheduled, burden stressed,
and then looking for every opportunity to stare at a
screen when they're not doing anything.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
When you say that, the words that come to my
mind is the extracurricular activities that our children engage in
should actually feel like a joy point in their lives.
It literally should feel like this is the highlight of
my week. I talk most it's a holiday right from
the norm.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
I do my parenting presentation on resilience, and I share
the story about how our daughter Chanell wanted to ride
velodrome track cycling with me, and for the first three
weeks she loved it, and then when she got her
backside completely handed to her every single week, she decided
she didn't want to do it anymore. She wasn't enjoy it.
Number one, she didn't really have relationships with the other girls.
Number Two, she was not competent. She was being absolutely annihilated.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
Well, there was no one else her age. She was
actually competing it, but against kids who were much older than.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
And they were lapping her in every race. The situation
got so dire though. I mean I was saying, well,
I paid for the bike, we paid for the kid,
you're going to come down, you're going to race that
I was. I literally grabbed it by the arm and
I dragged her to the car. I'm like, you're going
to race tonight because I've spent all this money and
you're going to do this. This is the extra curricular
activity that you wanted to do. I remember thinking as
I was dragging her to the car, why am I
(15:34):
doing this? Who is this for? Because it's clearly not
for her anymore, Like this is for me, not for
my ego, but maybe for me to feel better about
having spent all the money. That's right. And I really
did want her to fall in love with cycling so
we could have that activity that we could do together.
That was important to me as well. But it ended
up that it was just a better decision. Once you're
dragging them to the car, it's not bringing them joy
(15:55):
and it's not a release for them from their regular activities.
So I love that. I love that insight. We've essentially
decided in our family, and every family will be different
based on the number of kids you've got and what
your financial and time resources are. But we've decided that
one or two activities per week is probably enough, and
those activities have to be based on the child's genuine interests,
(16:20):
not the parents. Not because this is what I did
when I was a kid, not because I'm ambitious for
my child to go on and do this or do
that in their lives. It's just got to be that.
The other sweet spot, and we've talked about this many
times on the podcast, it's finding time for quality togetherness
as a family. It's non negotiable, whether it's Super Saturday,
or you're having a family night one night in the week,
(16:41):
or whatever that might be.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
I think my extension on that is, as I think
about our eleven year old specifically, the joy point in
her week is the time when she's able to connect
with her friends. So I actually, as we've got go
on through this process, feel like those connection points with
(17:04):
friends who are like minded and enjoy the same kinds
of activities has more health benefit to her mentally, emotionally,
and physically than any other extracurricular activity we put her in.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
Let me get really concrete about this, her favorite time
of the week is Wednesday afternoon when you go down
to the local park and meet up with some homeschool
families and the kids run around in a completely unstructured
way with no expectations and no priorities and no competition.
They just play for three to four hours, yeah, on
a Wednesday afternoon, and they are in heaven like it's
their favorite thing. So it's not a scheduled, structured activity.
(17:46):
Rather it's an unstructured activity where they're figuring out relationships,
they're solving the world's problems as eleven year olds do,
and they're just having fun. And that really is the
uncomplicated truth about what our children need when it comes
to scheduled activities and being overscheduled or not getting enough play,
sometimes the best thing for a child is simply the
(18:07):
freedom to be a child. The Happy Family's podcast is
produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. For more information
and more resources to make your family happier, please visit
us at happyfamilies dot com dot au.
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