June 16, 2025 • 17 mins
Is it ADHD… or something else entirely? This episode dives into one of the most debated topics in parenting and child psychology. Dr Justin Coulson answers a heartfelt question from a concerned parent: Should I pursue a formal ADHD diagnosis for my child — or are there better first steps to take? If you're feeling overwhelmed by symptoms, advice, and conflicting opinions, this conversation will help you slow down, zoom out, and see your child through a compassionate, research-informed lens.
KEY POINTS:
- ADHD diagnosis rates are rising — but is it always the right label?
- Some children may be diagnosed for what is actually normal developmental variation or environmental mismatch.
- ADHD-like symptoms may be a child’s way of trying to meet three unmet psychological needs:
- Connection (relatedness)
- Capability (competence)
- Control (autonomy)
- Neuroinflammation is an emerging and overlooked factor in ADHD symptoms.
- Developmental readiness matters — an 8-year-old’s brain is still undergoing major executive function development.
- Rather than trying to eliminate stress, parents can help children build capacity to handle challenge (a growth mindset).
- Medication might help some, but it’s not the first (or only) answer.
- Diagnosis should be thoughtful, multi-faceted, and whole-child focused.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:
"Difference doesn't mean disorder. Development is not a race." – Dr Justin Coulson
RESOURCES MENTIONED:
- The Parenting Revolution by Dr Justin Coulson
- Happy Families – for more articles, podcast episodes, and parenting resources
- Self-Determination Theory & Growth Mindset research
- Parenting ADHD [The Course]
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:
- Delay formal diagnosis (unless impairment is severe) and give time for development.
- Audit the environment for connection, competence, and autonomy — is it need-thwarting or need-supportive?
- Support physical health:
- Prioritise sleep, unprocessed foods, and movement.
- Explore reducing neuroinflammation through lifestyle.
- Teach a growth mindset: Use the word “yet”, encourage effort, and model learning through challenges.
- Reframe behaviours:
- Daydreaming may signal creativity, not dysfunction.
- Risk-taking may show courage and capability-seeking.
- Task resistance may be about autonomy, not defiance.
- If pursuing assessment, choose a clinician who understands development, context, and the whole child — not just a checklist.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
One of the most provocative topics in parenting may be
the conversation that we have around ADHD. What it is,
where it comes from. What to do if you think
your child might have an ADHD diagnosis? How do we
figure this out? That is the conversation we're having today
on the Happy Families podcast, Real Parenting Solutions every Day.
(00:27):
This is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. My name is
doctor Justin Colson and today, unfortunately without missus Happy Families,
Kylie couldn't be with us today. Like every Tuesday, on
the pod, we answer your tricky questions family relationships, well being, screens, discipline,
all that stuff, and today it's ADHD. If you would
(00:48):
like to submit a tricky question, we've got a really
super simple system that you can use at Happy Families
dot com DOTU. Just scroll down to podcasts, click the
record button, start talking. Alternatively, you can send us a
voice note every now and again. Though the questions are
so tricky that you're trying to turn it into a
tricky question becomes cumbersome, and that's what happened to Emily
from Auckland. So instead she sent me an email and
(01:09):
this is what she said. Hi. This is Emily from Auckland,
New Zealand. I work in youth mental health and all
of your podcast I recently heard a mental health professional
claim that ADHD isn't genetic but is actually caused by
highly sensitive children being in a hypervigilant stress state, and
that we should look for stresses rather than medicate. We
(01:30):
have an almost eight year old son showing ADHD indicators
in attention, daydreaming, getting in trouble for silly things, taking
scary risks, and struggling with daily tasks that cause home tension.
His occupational therapist and teachers see red flags, but he
hasn't been formally diagnosed yet. We've been really proactive. He
attended Nature immersed in kindergarten, now goes to Rudolph Steiner
(01:53):
School to reduce academic pressure and stress. Despite all of
our efforts to set him up well, he still struggles significantly.
My question is should we pursue formal ADHD assessment or
focus on addressing underlying stress and anxiety instead. This experts
theory suggests his symptoms are essentially out responsibility as parents
(02:15):
to fix in his environment, which feels overwhelming. What's the
best approach when you've already tried to minimize stresses, but
symptoms persist. Big question, lots to talk about HISS. Where
we begin, first off, Emily number one. This is a
really thoughtful question, and I think that this is touching
on one of the most important debates, and it really
is a debate in child development today. Something that I
(02:38):
want to emphasize is that when it comes to things
to do with parenting and even diagnosis of psychological challenge
or in neurodevelopmental issues, there is a lot more confusion
and contention and conflict in the scientific world than you
might think when you pick up a book and read
about it. Essentially, when you read what someone has to
(02:59):
say about it in their book, they're saying, well, this
is my opinion and we're not going to bring in
all the other stuff. But the science is not settled
around ADHD, not even remotely. In fact, a couple of
new books are coming on the market just now that
describe how psychiatry has infiltrated everything that we do and
now we have labels for everyone and everything. And for
(03:20):
a lot of people they take a lot of comfort
and a lot of support for that, and for many people
they need it. But many other people are getting those
same labels and unfortunately are using them in less optimal
ways that can, in too many cases lead to maladaptive outcomes.
There's also the question of medication. It's a really big thing,
and the reason that people become so inflamed about it
(03:41):
is because we actually don't know. And just because something
really works brilliantly well for one person doesn't mean it
will work brilliantly well for another. And therefore we're in
this quandary what do we do? So in this podcast episode,
I'm going to try, in about ten minutes or less,
to give you a perspective that will integrate what we
know about human motivation as well as stress and physiology
(04:06):
and neurology and healthy emotional, social, and cognitive development. That's
a lot in a really short amount of time, all right.
I want to start off by addressing the current ADHD
situation as it applies across most western nations. This is
the elephant in the room. This is not a popular
thing to say. I recognize that it could even get
(04:27):
me canceled in some circles, but I need to highlight it.
There was a twenty twenty one systematic review in Jamma,
which found pretty convincing evidence that ADHD is overdiagnosed in
children and adolescents, and increasingly, although it wasn't mentioned in
this article, in adults, particularly for individuals with milder symptoms,
where the harm of receiving a diagnosis may actually outweigh
(04:52):
any benefits of a diagnosis. Now, this is not any science,
this is not any psychiatry. What it is is a
recognition that we've created a that all too often pathologizes
normal developmental variation. What do I mean by that, Well, fundamentally,
what we find consistently in studies is that children who
among the youngest in their class or cohort are much
(05:12):
more likely to receive an ADHD diagnosis. In other words,
we might be diagnosing immaturity rather than a neurological or
a psychological condition. Those behavioral differences show up as symptoms
that are actually just due to normal developmental timing. And
let's not forget as well, sometimes kids might be older,
(05:33):
but they still develop later. There's a whole lot of
other stuff that we could talk about in terms of
boys being more diagnosed than girls. And it's not just
because girls are masking. It's because boys neurological development, maturity
occurs more slowly than it does for girls, and a
bunch more stuff. But I think that what's really missing
from both sides of this debate and really gets to
the core of what your question is, is just a
(05:55):
deeper understanding of what children actually need to thrive. So,
if you've been a long time listening Toppy Families podcast,
if you've read any of my books, you will know
that the overwhelming majority of the work that I do
is based in this thing called self determination theory. Self
determination theory tells us that all children, in fact, all adults,
all of us, including those who show ADHD like symptoms,
(06:17):
have three basic psychological needs, and they are known as
relatedness or connection, competence or an ability to master or
at least progress in something, and autonomy a sense of control. Okay, So,
research specifically examining ADHD through an SDT lens shows that
(06:41):
kids who have ADHD symptoms are often experiencing high levels
of what we would call need frustrating or need thwarting environments,
and that parents or teachers in those environments might be
using more controlling approaches in response to challenging behavior, or
(07:01):
maybe the kids just don't feel like they're competent. They're
not capable, and so they rebel They become inattentive because
they're struggling and they want a self sabotage because that's
better than looking dumb. Or maybe they're gifted and so
they're just bought out of their brains, or perhaps the
relationships that they're experiencing around them just don't feel safe.
In other words, your son's behaviors, things like daydreaming and
(07:23):
risk taking and difficulty with daily tasks might be his
brain or his nervous system attempting to meet basic psychological
needs of feeling in control, feeling capable and competent, and
feeling like I'm connected to others in environments that may
not be supporting them optimally. Now, I don't know what's
going on in your home and in your family. I
don't know what relationships are like there. It might not
be a relationship thing. It could be a competence thing,
(07:45):
it could be a giftedness thing. There's any number of
things there. But the first thing that I always do
when I hear parents asking these kind of questions is
I ask you to do a really thorough examination of
your environment. And also the school environment and other environments
where he may struggle in those areas. The Parenting Revolution
is a really deep and careful look at what we
(08:05):
can do to navigate the environment more effectively. So that
kind of addresses the let's put it back on the
parents side of things. Let's understand the environment, see what
it means for the kids. After the break, I want
to talk about development and also neuroinflammatory issues and finally
give you a framework for where you could move forward with. Okay,
(08:34):
let's talk about ADHD and inflammation in the brain. Emerging research,
and this is something that a lot of people are
just not aware of at all. Emerging research shows that
there's some pretty strong links between neuroinflammation and ADHD, including
elevated pro inflammatory ciderkinds in children with ADHD symptoms, and
(08:59):
some evidence as well that early life stress and maternal
immune activation during pregnancy can increase ADHD risk through inflammatory mechanisms.
That's a mouthful. I had to write it down to
make sure that I could read it to you and
get it exactly right. I got this from a guy
by the name of doctor Bryce Joinson. He's based on
the Gold Coast and all of his work is on
(09:21):
neuroinflammatory issues related to ADHD and autism. So what doctor
Joinson says consistently is that children with ADHD, according to
plenty of studies, have increased oxidative stress, and that neuroinflammation
activates different things in the brain which disrupt normal neurotransmitter function.
(09:44):
So we've got animal studies that demonstrate this kind of
neurotransmission challenge as well, and now we're starting to see
it in adults. It means that there's more nourepinephrium, it
means that there's less dope mean, and it means that
if we can reduce brain inflammation, and this is something
that's still fairly new in the science, we've got to
(10:05):
work out exactly how to do that, but it usually
has to do with lots of time outside, really good diet,
lots of movement and exercise. If we can get that
stuff right, what we're going to find is that kids
are going to have less neural inflammation and we can
literally reduce ADHD symptoms by reducing that neurological inflammation. Fascinating, honestly,
(10:27):
beyond my level of expertise. I've got to stop it
there because I'm just going on the stuff that people
who know way more than I do at pointing me towards.
But I think it's fascinating. Here are a couple of
other things that are important here. First off, the developmental perspective.
Your sign at the age of eight is at this
really crucial developmental transition his executive function skills. So we're
(10:48):
talking about attention regulation, we're talking about impulse control, working memory.
These things are still really in a developmental phase. He's
going to get better and better at e motion regulation,
but he's going through through a maturation phase here that's
going to accelerate over the next little while, And honestly,
you're going to see continued improvement with a couple of
(11:08):
steps back now and then. Where your son is right
now compared to his peers could be not at all
about ADHD. It could just be normal developmental timing variations.
Where he is right now compared to his peers could
be it could be just a mismatch between environmental demands
and his current developmental capacity. Like just because most kids
can do it, doesn't mean that all kids can. Perhaps
(11:31):
there's a nervous system stress response because of some unmet, frustrated,
thwarted psychological needs. We've talked about that and maybe maybe
rather medication, he needs support. Now the reality is maybe
he needs medication. I don't know. I'm not there, but
the fact that you've been so proactive with nature based
education and reduced academic pressure, that tells me that you
(11:51):
know this intuitively. So his where I want to challenge
what your stress focused expert has said. Research show that
kids with ADHD symptoms who develop a stress is enhancing mindset,
That is, they see challenges as opportunities for learning rather
than as threats. They just show more resilience, they show
(12:12):
more regulation. So I don't want to see you reducing stress.
Is what I want to see instead, is I want
to see you build his capacity to handle appropriate challenges.
When I'm looking at the latter of san I'm just thinking,
this kid needs to do more hard things. I know
that that sounds horrible and cruel, and it sounds like
we're setting you up for a really, really hard future.
But growth mindset interventions, specifically design for kids with ADHD symptoms,
(12:35):
show that when kids understand that their brain is neuroplastic,
and then it gets stronger by doing hard things. When
they believe that they can develop their abilities through effort.
They show improved the tension regulation, they show reduced behavioral problems.
They just seem to be more resilient. So what would
I do. Here's my recommendation at this point he's eight.
I'd say, unless they're severe impairment, you've got time, so
(12:56):
delay formal diagnosis for now, for now this year, to
try to optimize environment and build his capacity and build
that growth mindset. Second thing, I'd say, address that inflammation pathway.
Make sure he's getting enough sleep. It's absolutely crucial for
neuroinflammation regulation. Look at anti inflammatory nutrition. Amiga three is
(13:16):
a big here. Minimize process foods, if it comes out
of a packet, try to get it out of his life.
Don't be religious about it, don't be fanatical about it,
but be as good on this as you can be.
Regular movement in nature, your instincts about that, outdoor education
a spot on here. I love that you're doing that,
and just stress management for the whole family. Next, do
(13:37):
that basic psychological need audit. Have a look at how
much choice he has in his life and in his
daily routines. And it's not just choice. Autonomy is not
about independence. It's about understanding the why. So when he
does need to comply, just make sure that he knows
why he needs. To help him to find his strengths
and build from there. Help him to I mean, I
think risk taking is very much about courage and adventure
(13:57):
seeking and try to build confidence I really do and relatedness.
I want to make sure that he feels really connected
and understood, accepted, accepted, not just managed at home, at school,
in all of his environments. Fourth thing, implement growth mindset practices.
Teach him about neuroplasticity, that his brain literally grows new
connections when he practices things. Use yet, most powerful, most
(14:20):
resilient word in the English language. Use yet. I can't
focus on this yet and really focus on helping him
to develop there. And I think reframe symptoms of information.
So his daydreaming might just be an indicator of a
rich inner life. He might just be a really creative kid,
and he might also be bought at school. His risk
(14:41):
taking I think shows adventurer and courage and a need
for appropriate challenge because he wants to be competent. His
struggles with routine tasks they don't necessarily indicate adhd. It
might just mean that he doesn't get the point. And
if he doesn't buy the why, then he's not going
to act with volition, choice, autonomy. When you ask him
to do stuff that's in the routine. He's got to
(15:02):
know why. All right, let's wrap this up in terms
of assessment. If you do pursue assessment, it's going to
cost a lot, it's going to take a lot of time.
But do it comprehensively. Don't just go through a symptom
checklist with your local GP. I think that that's unhelpful
in the majority of cases. Studies show that only about
half clinicians follow diagnostic guidelines requiring symptom evidence from multiple
(15:26):
sources and settings, but ninety three percent of them are
immediately willing to prescribe medication. And I just want you
to find someone who understands development and trauma and giftedness
and family systems, not just ADHD checklists. I want someone
who's going to ask about the whole child, not just
the symptoms. Fundamentally, here's the bottom line a question like this,
(15:50):
anyone who's wondering you're not responsible for quote unquote fixing
something that might not actually be broken. I think that
your son is probably exactly who he's supposed to be.
He just needs an environment that supports his unique nervous
system and his developmental timeline and understands how his psychology works.
We're not trying to eliminate all challenges. We're actually trying
to do some capacity building so that you can meet
(16:12):
those challenges with confidence and with confidence. My experience with
my own six kids is that sometimes our most difficult
children are showing us that it's our system that needs
an adjustment, and not that they need fixing or therapy
or anything like that. I like what you're doing. As
a general rule, keep trusting your instincts. I reckon you're
going down the right path, and the fact that you're
(16:32):
asking these really nuanced and careful questions means that you're
probably already doing the most important thing, which is that
you're seeing your child as a whole person and not
a collection of symptoms. Development's not a race, difference, doesn't
mean disordered. I really hope that there's been a helpful
conversation for you, Emily, so glad that you ask the
question if you'd like more information or if you'd like
(16:53):
to ask more tricky questions. Jump online to Happy Families
Dot com dot you scroll down to the podcast section,
press the record button, leave us your message love, answering
your tricky questions. The Happy Families podcast is produced by
Justin Rouland from Bridge Media. And if you'd like more
resources to make your family happier, check out my book
The Parenting Revolution, or visit happyfamilies dot com dot a
One of the most provocative topics in parenting may be
the conversation that we have around ADHD. What it is,
where it comes from. What to do if you think
your child might have an ADHD diagnosis? How do we
figure this out? That is the conversation we're having today
on the Happy Families podcast, Real Parenting Solutions every Day.
(00:27):
This is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. My name is
doctor Justin Colson and today, unfortunately without missus Happy Families,
Kylie couldn't be with us today. Like every Tuesday, on
the pod, we answer your tricky questions family relationships, well being, screens, discipline,
all that stuff, and today it's ADHD. If you would
(00:48):
like to submit a tricky question, we've got a really
super simple system that you can use at Happy Families
dot com DOTU. Just scroll down to podcasts, click the
record button, start talking. Alternatively, you can send us a
voice note every now and again. Though the questions are
so tricky that you're trying to turn it into a
tricky question becomes cumbersome, and that's what happened to Emily
from Auckland. So instead she sent me an email and
(01:09):
this is what she said. Hi. This is Emily from Auckland,
New Zealand. I work in youth mental health and all
of your podcast I recently heard a mental health professional
claim that ADHD isn't genetic but is actually caused by
highly sensitive children being in a hypervigilant stress state, and
that we should look for stresses rather than medicate. We
(01:30):
have an almost eight year old son showing ADHD indicators
in attention, daydreaming, getting in trouble for silly things, taking
scary risks, and struggling with daily tasks that cause home tension.
His occupational therapist and teachers see red flags, but he
hasn't been formally diagnosed yet. We've been really proactive. He
attended Nature immersed in kindergarten, now goes to Rudolph Steiner
(01:53):
School to reduce academic pressure and stress. Despite all of
our efforts to set him up well, he still struggles significantly.
My question is should we pursue formal ADHD assessment or
focus on addressing underlying stress and anxiety instead. This experts
theory suggests his symptoms are essentially out responsibility as parents
(02:15):
to fix in his environment, which feels overwhelming. What's the
best approach when you've already tried to minimize stresses, but
symptoms persist. Big question, lots to talk about HISS. Where
we begin, first off, Emily number one. This is a
really thoughtful question, and I think that this is touching
on one of the most important debates, and it really
is a debate in child development today. Something that I
(02:38):
want to emphasize is that when it comes to things
to do with parenting and even diagnosis of psychological challenge
or in neurodevelopmental issues, there is a lot more confusion
and contention and conflict in the scientific world than you
might think when you pick up a book and read
about it. Essentially, when you read what someone has to
(02:59):
say about it in their book, they're saying, well, this
is my opinion and we're not going to bring in
all the other stuff. But the science is not settled
around ADHD, not even remotely. In fact, a couple of
new books are coming on the market just now that
describe how psychiatry has infiltrated everything that we do and
now we have labels for everyone and everything. And for
(03:20):
a lot of people they take a lot of comfort
and a lot of support for that, and for many people
they need it. But many other people are getting those
same labels and unfortunately are using them in less optimal
ways that can, in too many cases lead to maladaptive outcomes.
There's also the question of medication. It's a really big thing,
and the reason that people become so inflamed about it
(03:41):
is because we actually don't know. And just because something
really works brilliantly well for one person doesn't mean it
will work brilliantly well for another. And therefore we're in
this quandary what do we do? So in this podcast episode,
I'm going to try, in about ten minutes or less,
to give you a perspective that will integrate what we
know about human motivation as well as stress and physiology
(04:06):
and neurology and healthy emotional, social, and cognitive development. That's
a lot in a really short amount of time, all right.
I want to start off by addressing the current ADHD
situation as it applies across most western nations. This is
the elephant in the room. This is not a popular
thing to say. I recognize that it could even get
(04:27):
me canceled in some circles, but I need to highlight it.
There was a twenty twenty one systematic review in Jamma,
which found pretty convincing evidence that ADHD is overdiagnosed in
children and adolescents, and increasingly, although it wasn't mentioned in
this article, in adults, particularly for individuals with milder symptoms,
where the harm of receiving a diagnosis may actually outweigh
(04:52):
any benefits of a diagnosis. Now, this is not any science,
this is not any psychiatry. What it is is a
recognition that we've created a that all too often pathologizes
normal developmental variation. What do I mean by that, Well, fundamentally,
what we find consistently in studies is that children who
among the youngest in their class or cohort are much
(05:12):
more likely to receive an ADHD diagnosis. In other words,
we might be diagnosing immaturity rather than a neurological or
a psychological condition. Those behavioral differences show up as symptoms
that are actually just due to normal developmental timing. And
let's not forget as well, sometimes kids might be older,
(05:33):
but they still develop later. There's a whole lot of
other stuff that we could talk about in terms of
boys being more diagnosed than girls. And it's not just
because girls are masking. It's because boys neurological development, maturity
occurs more slowly than it does for girls, and a
bunch more stuff. But I think that what's really missing
from both sides of this debate and really gets to
the core of what your question is, is just a
(05:55):
deeper understanding of what children actually need to thrive. So,
if you've been a long time listening Toppy Families podcast,
if you've read any of my books, you will know
that the overwhelming majority of the work that I do
is based in this thing called self determination theory. Self
determination theory tells us that all children, in fact, all adults,
all of us, including those who show ADHD like symptoms,
(06:17):
have three basic psychological needs, and they are known as
relatedness or connection, competence or an ability to master or
at least progress in something, and autonomy a sense of control. Okay, So,
research specifically examining ADHD through an SDT lens shows that
(06:41):
kids who have ADHD symptoms are often experiencing high levels
of what we would call need frustrating or need thwarting environments,
and that parents or teachers in those environments might be
using more controlling approaches in response to challenging behavior, or
(07:01):
maybe the kids just don't feel like they're competent. They're
not capable, and so they rebel They become inattentive because
they're struggling and they want a self sabotage because that's
better than looking dumb. Or maybe they're gifted and so
they're just bought out of their brains, or perhaps the
relationships that they're experiencing around them just don't feel safe.
In other words, your son's behaviors, things like daydreaming and
(07:23):
risk taking and difficulty with daily tasks might be his
brain or his nervous system attempting to meet basic psychological
needs of feeling in control, feeling capable and competent, and
feeling like I'm connected to others in environments that may
not be supporting them optimally. Now, I don't know what's
going on in your home and in your family. I
don't know what relationships are like there. It might not
be a relationship thing. It could be a competence thing,
(07:45):
it could be a giftedness thing. There's any number of
things there. But the first thing that I always do
when I hear parents asking these kind of questions is
I ask you to do a really thorough examination of
your environment. And also the school environment and other environments
where he may struggle in those areas. The Parenting Revolution
is a really deep and careful look at what we
(08:05):
can do to navigate the environment more effectively. So that
kind of addresses the let's put it back on the
parents side of things. Let's understand the environment, see what
it means for the kids. After the break, I want
to talk about development and also neuroinflammatory issues and finally
give you a framework for where you could move forward with. Okay,
(08:34):
let's talk about ADHD and inflammation in the brain. Emerging research,
and this is something that a lot of people are
just not aware of at all. Emerging research shows that
there's some pretty strong links between neuroinflammation and ADHD, including
elevated pro inflammatory ciderkinds in children with ADHD symptoms, and
(08:59):
some evidence as well that early life stress and maternal
immune activation during pregnancy can increase ADHD risk through inflammatory mechanisms.
That's a mouthful. I had to write it down to
make sure that I could read it to you and
get it exactly right. I got this from a guy
by the name of doctor Bryce Joinson. He's based on
the Gold Coast and all of his work is on
(09:21):
neuroinflammatory issues related to ADHD and autism. So what doctor
Joinson says consistently is that children with ADHD, according to
plenty of studies, have increased oxidative stress, and that neuroinflammation
activates different things in the brain which disrupt normal neurotransmitter function.
(09:44):
So we've got animal studies that demonstrate this kind of
neurotransmission challenge as well, and now we're starting to see
it in adults. It means that there's more nourepinephrium, it
means that there's less dope mean, and it means that
if we can reduce brain inflammation, and this is something
that's still fairly new in the science, we've got to
(10:05):
work out exactly how to do that, but it usually
has to do with lots of time outside, really good diet,
lots of movement and exercise. If we can get that
stuff right, what we're going to find is that kids
are going to have less neural inflammation and we can
literally reduce ADHD symptoms by reducing that neurological inflammation. Fascinating, honestly,
(10:27):
beyond my level of expertise. I've got to stop it
there because I'm just going on the stuff that people
who know way more than I do at pointing me towards.
But I think it's fascinating. Here are a couple of
other things that are important here. First off, the developmental perspective.
Your sign at the age of eight is at this
really crucial developmental transition his executive function skills. So we're
(10:48):
talking about attention regulation, we're talking about impulse control, working memory.
These things are still really in a developmental phase. He's
going to get better and better at e motion regulation,
but he's going through through a maturation phase here that's
going to accelerate over the next little while, And honestly,
you're going to see continued improvement with a couple of
(11:08):
steps back now and then. Where your son is right
now compared to his peers could be not at all
about ADHD. It could just be normal developmental timing variations.
Where he is right now compared to his peers could
be it could be just a mismatch between environmental demands
and his current developmental capacity. Like just because most kids
can do it, doesn't mean that all kids can. Perhaps
(11:31):
there's a nervous system stress response because of some unmet, frustrated,
thwarted psychological needs. We've talked about that and maybe maybe
rather medication, he needs support. Now the reality is maybe
he needs medication. I don't know. I'm not there, but
the fact that you've been so proactive with nature based
education and reduced academic pressure, that tells me that you
(11:51):
know this intuitively. So his where I want to challenge
what your stress focused expert has said. Research show that
kids with ADHD symptoms who develop a stress is enhancing mindset,
That is, they see challenges as opportunities for learning rather
than as threats. They just show more resilience, they show
(12:12):
more regulation. So I don't want to see you reducing stress.
Is what I want to see instead, is I want
to see you build his capacity to handle appropriate challenges.
When I'm looking at the latter of san I'm just thinking,
this kid needs to do more hard things. I know
that that sounds horrible and cruel, and it sounds like
we're setting you up for a really, really hard future.
But growth mindset interventions, specifically design for kids with ADHD symptoms,
(12:35):
show that when kids understand that their brain is neuroplastic,
and then it gets stronger by doing hard things. When
they believe that they can develop their abilities through effort.
They show improved the tension regulation, they show reduced behavioral problems.
They just seem to be more resilient. So what would
I do. Here's my recommendation at this point he's eight.
I'd say, unless they're severe impairment, you've got time, so
(12:56):
delay formal diagnosis for now, for now this year, to
try to optimize environment and build his capacity and build
that growth mindset. Second thing, I'd say, address that inflammation pathway.
Make sure he's getting enough sleep. It's absolutely crucial for
neuroinflammation regulation. Look at anti inflammatory nutrition. Amiga three is
(13:16):
a big here. Minimize process foods, if it comes out
of a packet, try to get it out of his life.
Don't be religious about it, don't be fanatical about it,
but be as good on this as you can be.
Regular movement in nature, your instincts about that, outdoor education
a spot on here. I love that you're doing that,
and just stress management for the whole family. Next, do
(13:37):
that basic psychological need audit. Have a look at how
much choice he has in his life and in his
daily routines. And it's not just choice. Autonomy is not
about independence. It's about understanding the why. So when he
does need to comply, just make sure that he knows
why he needs. To help him to find his strengths
and build from there. Help him to I mean, I
think risk taking is very much about courage and adventure
(13:57):
seeking and try to build confidence I really do and relatedness.
I want to make sure that he feels really connected
and understood, accepted, accepted, not just managed at home, at school,
in all of his environments. Fourth thing, implement growth mindset practices.
Teach him about neuroplasticity, that his brain literally grows new
connections when he practices things. Use yet, most powerful, most
(14:20):
resilient word in the English language. Use yet. I can't
focus on this yet and really focus on helping him
to develop there. And I think reframe symptoms of information.
So his daydreaming might just be an indicator of a
rich inner life. He might just be a really creative kid,
and he might also be bought at school. His risk
(14:41):
taking I think shows adventurer and courage and a need
for appropriate challenge because he wants to be competent. His
struggles with routine tasks they don't necessarily indicate adhd. It
might just mean that he doesn't get the point. And
if he doesn't buy the why, then he's not going
to act with volition, choice, autonomy. When you ask him
to do stuff that's in the routine. He's got to
(15:02):
know why. All right, let's wrap this up in terms
of assessment. If you do pursue assessment, it's going to
cost a lot, it's going to take a lot of time.
But do it comprehensively. Don't just go through a symptom
checklist with your local GP. I think that that's unhelpful
in the majority of cases. Studies show that only about
half clinicians follow diagnostic guidelines requiring symptom evidence from multiple
(15:26):
sources and settings, but ninety three percent of them are
immediately willing to prescribe medication. And I just want you
to find someone who understands development and trauma and giftedness
and family systems, not just ADHD checklists. I want someone
who's going to ask about the whole child, not just
the symptoms. Fundamentally, here's the bottom line a question like this,
(15:50):
anyone who's wondering you're not responsible for quote unquote fixing
something that might not actually be broken. I think that
your son is probably exactly who he's supposed to be.
He just needs an environment that supports his unique nervous
system and his developmental timeline and understands how his psychology works.
We're not trying to eliminate all challenges. We're actually trying
to do some capacity building so that you can meet
(16:12):
those challenges with confidence and with confidence. My experience with
my own six kids is that sometimes our most difficult
children are showing us that it's our system that needs
an adjustment, and not that they need fixing or therapy
or anything like that. I like what you're doing. As
a general rule, keep trusting your instincts. I reckon you're
going down the right path, and the fact that you're
(16:32):
asking these really nuanced and careful questions means that you're
probably already doing the most important thing, which is that
you're seeing your child as a whole person and not
a collection of symptoms. Development's not a race, difference, doesn't
mean disordered. I really hope that there's been a helpful
conversation for you, Emily, so glad that you ask the
question if you'd like more information or if you'd like
(16:53):
to ask more tricky questions. Jump online to Happy Families
Dot com dot you scroll down to the podcast section,
press the record button, leave us your message love, answering
your tricky questions. The Happy Families podcast is produced by
Justin Rouland from Bridge Media. And if you'd like more
resources to make your family happier, check out my book
The Parenting Revolution, or visit happyfamilies dot com dot a
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