June 22, 2025 • 15 mins
Are you carrying the mental and emotional load of parenting solo—even though you have a partner? You're not imagining it. You're not alone. And it doesn't have to stay this way. In this episode of the Happy Families podcast, Justin and Kylie dive into one of the most common (and quietly painful) challenges parents face: feeling like you're parenting alone in a relationship.
With warmth, realism, and practical insight, we share four powerful—but gentle—ways to invite your partner back into the parenting picture. Whether you’re feeling unheard, unsupported, or just out of sync, these small steps can lead to big transformation.
KEY POINTS:
- Appreciation Inventory: What we focus on grows. Before you confront, notice. Daily acknowledgements of your partner’s efforts—even small ones—can shift the dynamic.
- Collaborative Conversations: Use the three E’s of effective discipline (Explore, Explain, Empower) not just with kids, but with each other. Invite, don’t assign.
- Gradual Invitations: Don’t expect an overnight fix. Start small, with one area of natural interest, and build from there. Success breeds success.
- Role Modelling Matters: We become like the people we surround ourselves with. Seeing engaged parenting modeled—especially by other dads—can have a powerful ripple effect.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:
“People move towards positive energy. People really love appreciation. They tend to be repelled by criticism.”
RESOURCES MENTIONED:
- The Three E’s of Effective Discipline
- Family Meetings
- The Heliotropic Effect
- Happy Families resources at happyfamilies.com.au
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:
1. Spend a week noticing and commenting on what your partner is doing.
2. Replace “we need to talk” with curiosity: What are you noticing about bedtime?
3. Choose one small area where your partner is already engaged—and invite them to go deeper.
4. Encourage connections with friends who model engaged parenting.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
One of the most common questions that I'm asked is
how do I get my partner on the same page?
Or I feel like I'm parenting alone in a marriage?
How do I get And I hate to say it,
it's almost always mums, not completely almost, but it's almost
always mums saying how do I get my husband on
the same page? Every now and again a bloke will
(00:26):
say the same thing about his wife. Today, on The
Happy Family's podcast, we talk about what to do when
you're parenting alone in a marriage. Today, Welcome to The
Happy Family's podcast, Real Parenting Solutions every Day. This is
Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We are justin and Kylie Coulson.
Kylie has a little tickle in her throat. Say hi, Kylie,
(00:48):
so I'm sorry, all right. A lot of people feel
like they're carrying the entire parenting burden alone. If you
feel like that, you may not be imagining it. It
might actually be legit. I'm not going to gas like
you on this one. I don't know what's happening in
your family, but if you do feel like that, I
can promise you you're not alone. This is such a
common question that I get and it feels really unfair.
(01:11):
Every now and again, I'll talk to like a mom
who'll just say, my husband literally sits on his phone.
That's all he does. He reads the news and he
plays games, or I expect to one mum and she said,
he literally just goes into the living room and he's
on devices, like he's literally on the like he thinks
he's a professional gamer. But we don't earn any money
from it. And he doesn't contribute around the house, and
(01:31):
he doesn't help with the kids, and it's doing my
head in. It really really sucks if you're married to
a man child. Today on the pod, we essentially are
going to talk about some gentle but effective ways that
you can invite your partner into fuller engagement. Let's call
it that fuller engagement, assuming that they want to be
a good parent but might not know how to start.
So that is right at the very core of what
we're talking about. We're talking about having a husband wife
(01:54):
partner who does actually desire to contribute and wants to
be a good husband, wife, partner parent, but they're just
I don't know, they're just struggling to get it right.
There are too many other distractions. There's too much else
going on. So I've got a couple of ideas, Kylie,
I know that you've got your favorite. We haven't even
planned this. I'm just going to shoot from the hit,
but I know that your favorite one is going to
(02:15):
come up. I think that I'm kind of accounting for
it in some of mine, but feel free to dive
in whenever you want. I'm going to do most of
the talking, why because you can barely to talk. Okay,
This does not mean that I dominate. It does not
mean that we're not on the same page. I'm just
going to be your voice when you can't use your
voice alone. Should I stop digging? Should we just get
on with this?
Speaker 2 (02:37):
Yeah, you're enjoying this all way too much?
Speaker 1 (02:39):
All right. The first thing that I want to emphasize
is when I hear people complaining about their partner's parenting.
What I want to do, and this is something that
I haven't figured out how to say tenderly and gently
enough to actually say it yet, is that we get
in life what we focus on. So I do this
(03:00):
experiment when I'm on stage. Sometimes depending on what the topic,
what the conversation is, where I get a volunteer to
come out of the audience, and I give them like
a broom handle. It doesn't have the broomer fix right,
just the broom handle the stick, or a one meter ruler,
or even you can do it with something even short,
like a thirty centimeter ruler if you want. And I
ask them to balance that stick on their fingertips and
(03:23):
look at their fingertips while they're doing it. It's really hard.
Nobody can really do it, not effectively, and if they can,
it's tricky and it only will lasts for a couple
of seconds. And then I asked them to try again,
but this time, instead of looking at their fingertips while
they balance this stick in their hand, I want them
instead to look at the top of the stick, whether
it's thirty centimeters or a meter or its entire broomstick,
(03:44):
look at the top, not the bottom. And while it's
still tricky, I want to emphasize it is still tricky,
they always experience far greater success looking at the top
rather than at the bottom. The point that I'm making
here is you get what you're focus on. What you
focus on in life makes a huge difference. And so
(04:04):
when people are complaining to me that their husband, wife, partner,
spouse is a lousy parent, doesn't pull their weight. Something
that I really want to encourage is I'm going to
call it an appreciation inventory, an appreciation inventory gratitude. The
reality is this, they're probably doing more than we realize.
The other thing that I will focus on is that
a lot of disengaged parents and partners have withdrawn because
(04:27):
they feel like we're not grateful, because they feel like
they're unrecognized, because they feel like we're criticizing them or
calling them in competent, and we know how important competence
is in terms of basic psychological needs.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
I'm going to push back on that though, Oh no,
because regardless of whether that's the case or not, if
you're in a partnership, then number one, you have a
voice and you have an opportunity to express that. But
number two, that doesn't excuse you from checking out like
it doesn't.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
So communication critical around here. Unfortunately, whether it excuses it
or not, it happens.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
I actually think a lot of what goes on is
that each partner feels that the weight of the load
that they carry out weighs the weight of the other persons.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
I'm going to talk about that in a minute. That
one's coming up, I promise. Okay, Okay, So here's the
practical element to the appreciation inventory. This is something that
you can genuinely do, starting right now, and it's incredible
how quickly it works and how easily it works. Instead
of sitting down and saying we need to talk about
our relationship, well we need to talk about your parenting.
You're not on the same page as me. Spend a
week just noticing and acknowledging what they are doing. So
(05:39):
you might say something like I love seeing you and
our daughter Emma laugh together during breakfast, or thank you
so much for reading that extra bedtime story to the
kids last night. Well, you're smirking at me. What are
you laughing at?
Speaker 2 (05:55):
I'm laughing because when we first got married, you're really
really good at noticing all of the things I was doing.
This was before I was even a parent. Yeah, you
also tacked on, but next time I could you tast.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Okay, So that's not part of the appreciation inventory. Okay,
Oh gosh.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
Luck you were twenty seven years on. You've learned to.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
Lie both learnt. I don't say that anymore, do I? No,
you don't I just walk in and say I love
it when I walk into a clean living room. I
don't say anything about the bedroom, in the kitchen, the
dining room, at the kids rooms. I don't say anything
about the front veranda that I had to climb over
seventy four things. Well, I just say, oh, it just
gol so good to walk into a clean living room.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
Like when the bed's made.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
In terms of having a conversation around this, I've been
thinking about how we can both feel more connected as parents,
and I noticed that you are just really involved and
really connected and really on it when it comes to
Saturday sports, and I'd love to build on that. Is
there anything else that you're really enjoying as a parent,
because I'd like to load it onto you as well.
Obviously I'm making light of the situation, but actually why
(07:00):
this works. It's called the heliotropic effect. People move towards
positive energy, people move towards gratitude. People really love appreciation.
They tend to be repelled by criticism. So if someone
feels seen for their strengths, they're much more likely to
engage with you instead of defending or withdrawing. Yes, my
scripting might be a little bit contrived, but the appreciation
inventory will make a difference if you're not on the
(07:22):
same page just pointing out how things are going right.
The second idea is that we want to collaborate. We
want to invite rather than a sign. Nobody likes being
told what to do, but they're usually open to collaboration.
If you give somebody a to do list and just
say you're not pulling you, awight I need you to do
these things, it's not going to work, but they will
engage when they feel like they're a valued partner in
(07:43):
problem solving.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
It's not helpful when we treat our partner like they're
the problem. And one of the best things we can
do to help with this is family meetings or couple inventories.
This is such a great place to sit down and
get on the same page. Knowledge the things that are
working really well, acknowledge and give gratitude for the part
that they're playing in the areas that they're doing really
(08:06):
well in.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's about collaboration, it's about problem solving.
It's not about turning one another into adversaries. That's exactly right, yep.
So that means that we want to frame problems as
us problems that we're going to solve together. So you
don't say you need to help more with bed time.
You're just not pulling your weight. It's way way better
if you can say.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
It might be even good instead of saying anything, it's
actually asking a question. What are you noticing about bedtime?
Speaker 1 (08:33):
How are you feeling about evenings at the moment. I've
noticed that you've been pretty irritable at night and so
have I.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
What are you seeing well the kids are really stressed
or we're not getting compliance? And what can we do together?
Speaker 1 (08:43):
So there's your explore and your explaining and then what
can we do together? As you're empower right, what can
we do together? It's a problem solving conversation. It's a
collaborative conversation. It just it just works. Assignment feels diminishing,
collaboration feels empowering. When people help to create the solution
as well, they've got more buy in, so it works better.
After the break, the gradual invitation plus an unexpected role
(09:07):
modeling opportunity. Okay, so we've talked about the appreciation inventory,
we've talked about being collaborative. Here's the third approach, the
build success slowly approach. If you jump from minimal engagement
to full co parenting, it's going to be too much
(09:28):
and it's going to fizzle out and die if you
go too hard and too fast.
Speaker 2 (09:32):
It's kind of like starting a fitness routine.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
Great example, great example, but one.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
Of the biggest things it's a sense of frustration that
we have in that moment. If we understand that frustration
is a feeling of being stuck between effort and outcome,
it's a sign that something isn't working. So we either
have to shift our approach or our expectations. When we're
able to recognize that, our expectation can't be that we're
going to go from zero to a hunt exactly.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
Like if you have not been to the gym or
done workouts or any kind of thing. For I don't
know if.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
I'm not going to lose ten kilos overnight and you
start going to gym build muscles overnight.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
But if you start going to the gym and you
go five days in a row, at the end of
the first week, you're going to be a wreck. You'll
be in pieces, your body's going to be screaming at
You're just gonna be like this was the worst idea ever.
I'm just going to sit on the couch. I'm never
doing this again. So we want to start slowly. I
just think practically, you want to identify one area where
they're showing some natural ability or some interest they actually
like being with the kids and just in deeper engagement there.
(10:33):
So one really fun example could be if they enjoy
making pancakes on Sunday morning with the kids, maybe they
could own the whole Sunday morning routine. Maybe you could
say you do Sunday morning so well, I want to
build on that, Like, what else could we do to
make Sundays beautiful and get them to take ownership of it.
I know some parents who are like, you do Sunday
(10:54):
so well, You've got Sunday, I'm going out with my friends.
But that's not what we're suggesting here, because it's really
about building stronger family relationships. The reason for this builds
success Slowly idea is because success breeds success, and when
someone starts to feel competent make progress in one area
of life, they're more likely to try expanding their involvement
(11:15):
and building that up elsewhere. It just comes down to competence.
So the last idea, we've got to do this really
quickly because we're out of time. Is I'm a big
on role modeling, and this one's a little bit trickier.
It requires a little bit of planning and forethought, or
it requires being really obvious and being quite transparent. One
of the two. I prefer the transparent model, but some
people do prefer being a little sneaky. Let another dad
(11:39):
show the way. So sometimes, and this is unfair and inappropriate,
but it goes like this anyway, whether it's right or not.
Sometimes partners need to see what engaged parenting looks like
from someone who is in their spouse, and men particularly
seem to be really responsive to seeing other men model
hands on pairing with out realizing that they're being taught.
Speaker 2 (12:02):
The idea that we can become the average of the
five people we spend the most time with.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
Well we're not only that we can become, we do
become the average of the five people you spend the
most time with is.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
Pretty powerful, right. Yeah, So if your husband hangs out
with people who are just like him, and they come
home and they are on their screens or they're gaming,
or they've.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
Got that entitlement, where's my dinner, why's the house and
mess kind of thing.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
Then there is going to be no there's going to
be no shift.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
And if they're the jokes that they're making at work
the next day, that's that's a problem. Right. So finding
finding really good role models who can model the kind
of fatherhood that that that's just that's a game changer.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
So it's almost it's that concept of building a village.
We're building a village around our family with people who
we essentially aspire to be.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
Like, do you know, I want to share something quite
personal and a little bit hard for me to share.
I work so hard. I work, I'm writing books, I'm
recording podcasts, I'm traveling. My time is so limited, and
I work really hard to make sure that kids get
plenty of me. But I've got a mate who runs
a big business. He builds semi trailer trailers, Like he
(13:17):
builds the trailers for big trucks, tip of trucks, all
that kind of thing. It's a multimillion dollar business. The
guy is at work first thing in the morning. He's
working with a big crew of guys. Like he works
hard as well. But when I talk to him about
what he's been up to he's been camping with the kids.
They're into go karting and so they're up and down
the Queensland coast in it in New South Wales regularly
for all their go karting competitions. They're out in the
(13:39):
shed building go karts together. He's teaching the kids how
to do the mechanics and change the tires and do
all that sort of stuff. Every time I talk to Chris.
Every time I talk to Chris, he inspires me to
be a better parent. He inspires me to book something
in with the children and spend time with them do
things that are valuable.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
You forgot to add that he's about twenty years younger
than you as an he.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
No, he's only about this is the his kids are
younger than ours. But yeah, he's only a few years younger.
He's just he's such a great model of what it
is to be a connected, engaged father.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
So you can't use old age as no.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
No, I can't. But this is the point. This is
why I added it. I actually wanted to make a
special mention to Chris. I'll have to mention that he's
in the pod today because I love hearing about what
Chris does and what he and the kids get up to.
And when dads can be involved with other dads who
are talking about those kinds of things, it just changes
(14:35):
the nature of their relationships. They get more involved. Once again, though,
I'm going to come back to appreciation, he is probably
doing stuff. I hope he's doing stuff. Let's acknowledge the
stuff that he is doing and try and build on it.
Go with slow success. The reality is, I actually think
most parents really do want to be good parents. Sometimes
they just need an invitation, They need some appreciation, or
(14:55):
they need a pathway that doesn't feel overwhelming. They don't
need judgment, criticism, need modeling, and they need collaboration. And
hopefully these ideas, these gentle approaches can create much bigger
transformations than the confrontational you need to pull up your
socks buddy approach. The Happy Famili's podcast is produced by
Justin ruland from Bridge Media. Mimhammonds provides all of our
(15:18):
admin and other support. If you'd like more information about
making your family happier, you'll find info on resources at
happy families dot com dot you
One of the most common questions that I'm asked is
how do I get my partner on the same page?
Or I feel like I'm parenting alone in a marriage?
How do I get And I hate to say it,
it's almost always mums, not completely almost, but it's almost
always mums saying how do I get my husband on
the same page? Every now and again a bloke will
(00:26):
say the same thing about his wife. Today, on The
Happy Family's podcast, we talk about what to do when
you're parenting alone in a marriage. Today, Welcome to The
Happy Family's podcast, Real Parenting Solutions every Day. This is
Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We are justin and Kylie Coulson.
Kylie has a little tickle in her throat. Say hi, Kylie,
(00:48):
so I'm sorry, all right. A lot of people feel
like they're carrying the entire parenting burden alone. If you
feel like that, you may not be imagining it. It
might actually be legit. I'm not going to gas like
you on this one. I don't know what's happening in
your family, but if you do feel like that, I
can promise you you're not alone. This is such a
common question that I get and it feels really unfair.
(01:11):
Every now and again, I'll talk to like a mom
who'll just say, my husband literally sits on his phone.
That's all he does. He reads the news and he
plays games, or I expect to one mum and she said,
he literally just goes into the living room and he's
on devices, like he's literally on the like he thinks
he's a professional gamer. But we don't earn any money
from it. And he doesn't contribute around the house, and
(01:31):
he doesn't help with the kids, and it's doing my
head in. It really really sucks if you're married to
a man child. Today on the pod, we essentially are
going to talk about some gentle but effective ways that
you can invite your partner into fuller engagement. Let's call
it that fuller engagement, assuming that they want to be
a good parent but might not know how to start.
So that is right at the very core of what
we're talking about. We're talking about having a husband wife
(01:54):
partner who does actually desire to contribute and wants to
be a good husband, wife, partner parent, but they're just
I don't know, they're just struggling to get it right.
There are too many other distractions. There's too much else
going on. So I've got a couple of ideas, Kylie,
I know that you've got your favorite. We haven't even
planned this. I'm just going to shoot from the hit,
but I know that your favorite one is going to
(02:15):
come up. I think that I'm kind of accounting for
it in some of mine, but feel free to dive
in whenever you want. I'm going to do most of
the talking, why because you can barely to talk. Okay,
This does not mean that I dominate. It does not
mean that we're not on the same page. I'm just
going to be your voice when you can't use your
voice alone. Should I stop digging? Should we just get
on with this?
Speaker 2 (02:37):
Yeah, you're enjoying this all way too much?
Speaker 1 (02:39):
All right. The first thing that I want to emphasize
is when I hear people complaining about their partner's parenting.
What I want to do, and this is something that
I haven't figured out how to say tenderly and gently
enough to actually say it yet, is that we get
in life what we focus on. So I do this
(03:00):
experiment when I'm on stage. Sometimes depending on what the topic,
what the conversation is, where I get a volunteer to
come out of the audience, and I give them like
a broom handle. It doesn't have the broomer fix right,
just the broom handle the stick, or a one meter ruler,
or even you can do it with something even short,
like a thirty centimeter ruler if you want. And I
ask them to balance that stick on their fingertips and
(03:23):
look at their fingertips while they're doing it. It's really hard.
Nobody can really do it, not effectively, and if they can,
it's tricky and it only will lasts for a couple
of seconds. And then I asked them to try again,
but this time, instead of looking at their fingertips while
they balance this stick in their hand, I want them
instead to look at the top of the stick, whether
it's thirty centimeters or a meter or its entire broomstick,
(03:44):
look at the top, not the bottom. And while it's
still tricky, I want to emphasize it is still tricky,
they always experience far greater success looking at the top
rather than at the bottom. The point that I'm making
here is you get what you're focus on. What you
focus on in life makes a huge difference. And so
(04:04):
when people are complaining to me that their husband, wife, partner,
spouse is a lousy parent, doesn't pull their weight. Something
that I really want to encourage is I'm going to
call it an appreciation inventory, an appreciation inventory gratitude. The
reality is this, they're probably doing more than we realize.
The other thing that I will focus on is that
a lot of disengaged parents and partners have withdrawn because
(04:27):
they feel like we're not grateful, because they feel like
they're unrecognized, because they feel like we're criticizing them or
calling them in competent, and we know how important competence
is in terms of basic psychological needs.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
I'm going to push back on that though, Oh no,
because regardless of whether that's the case or not, if
you're in a partnership, then number one, you have a
voice and you have an opportunity to express that. But
number two, that doesn't excuse you from checking out like
it doesn't.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
So communication critical around here. Unfortunately, whether it excuses it
or not, it happens.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
I actually think a lot of what goes on is
that each partner feels that the weight of the load
that they carry out weighs the weight of the other persons.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
I'm going to talk about that in a minute. That
one's coming up, I promise. Okay, Okay, So here's the
practical element to the appreciation inventory. This is something that
you can genuinely do, starting right now, and it's incredible
how quickly it works and how easily it works. Instead
of sitting down and saying we need to talk about
our relationship, well we need to talk about your parenting.
You're not on the same page as me. Spend a
week just noticing and acknowledging what they are doing. So
(05:39):
you might say something like I love seeing you and
our daughter Emma laugh together during breakfast, or thank you
so much for reading that extra bedtime story to the
kids last night. Well, you're smirking at me. What are
you laughing at?
Speaker 2 (05:55):
I'm laughing because when we first got married, you're really
really good at noticing all of the things I was doing.
This was before I was even a parent. Yeah, you
also tacked on, but next time I could you tast.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Okay, So that's not part of the appreciation inventory. Okay,
Oh gosh.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
Luck you were twenty seven years on. You've learned to.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
Lie both learnt. I don't say that anymore, do I? No,
you don't I just walk in and say I love
it when I walk into a clean living room. I
don't say anything about the bedroom, in the kitchen, the
dining room, at the kids rooms. I don't say anything
about the front veranda that I had to climb over
seventy four things. Well, I just say, oh, it just
gol so good to walk into a clean living room.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
Like when the bed's made.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
In terms of having a conversation around this, I've been
thinking about how we can both feel more connected as parents,
and I noticed that you are just really involved and
really connected and really on it when it comes to
Saturday sports, and I'd love to build on that. Is
there anything else that you're really enjoying as a parent,
because I'd like to load it onto you as well.
Obviously I'm making light of the situation, but actually why
(07:00):
this works. It's called the heliotropic effect. People move towards
positive energy, people move towards gratitude. People really love appreciation.
They tend to be repelled by criticism. So if someone
feels seen for their strengths, they're much more likely to
engage with you instead of defending or withdrawing. Yes, my
scripting might be a little bit contrived, but the appreciation
inventory will make a difference if you're not on the
(07:22):
same page just pointing out how things are going right.
The second idea is that we want to collaborate. We
want to invite rather than a sign. Nobody likes being
told what to do, but they're usually open to collaboration.
If you give somebody a to do list and just
say you're not pulling you, awight I need you to do
these things, it's not going to work, but they will
engage when they feel like they're a valued partner in
(07:43):
problem solving.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
It's not helpful when we treat our partner like they're
the problem. And one of the best things we can
do to help with this is family meetings or couple inventories.
This is such a great place to sit down and
get on the same page. Knowledge the things that are
working really well, acknowledge and give gratitude for the part
that they're playing in the areas that they're doing really
(08:06):
well in.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's about collaboration, it's about problem solving.
It's not about turning one another into adversaries. That's exactly right, yep.
So that means that we want to frame problems as
us problems that we're going to solve together. So you
don't say you need to help more with bed time.
You're just not pulling your weight. It's way way better
if you can say.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
It might be even good instead of saying anything, it's
actually asking a question. What are you noticing about bedtime?
Speaker 1 (08:33):
How are you feeling about evenings at the moment. I've
noticed that you've been pretty irritable at night and so
have I.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
What are you seeing well the kids are really stressed
or we're not getting compliance? And what can we do together?
Speaker 1 (08:43):
So there's your explore and your explaining and then what
can we do together? As you're empower right, what can
we do together? It's a problem solving conversation. It's a
collaborative conversation. It just it just works. Assignment feels diminishing,
collaboration feels empowering. When people help to create the solution
as well, they've got more buy in, so it works better.
After the break, the gradual invitation plus an unexpected role
(09:07):
modeling opportunity. Okay, so we've talked about the appreciation inventory,
we've talked about being collaborative. Here's the third approach, the
build success slowly approach. If you jump from minimal engagement
to full co parenting, it's going to be too much
(09:28):
and it's going to fizzle out and die if you
go too hard and too fast.
Speaker 2 (09:32):
It's kind of like starting a fitness routine.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
Great example, great example, but one.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
Of the biggest things it's a sense of frustration that
we have in that moment. If we understand that frustration
is a feeling of being stuck between effort and outcome,
it's a sign that something isn't working. So we either
have to shift our approach or our expectations. When we're
able to recognize that, our expectation can't be that we're
going to go from zero to a hunt exactly.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
Like if you have not been to the gym or
done workouts or any kind of thing. For I don't
know if.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
I'm not going to lose ten kilos overnight and you
start going to gym build muscles overnight.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
But if you start going to the gym and you
go five days in a row, at the end of
the first week, you're going to be a wreck. You'll
be in pieces, your body's going to be screaming at
You're just gonna be like this was the worst idea ever.
I'm just going to sit on the couch. I'm never
doing this again. So we want to start slowly. I
just think practically, you want to identify one area where
they're showing some natural ability or some interest they actually
like being with the kids and just in deeper engagement there.
(10:33):
So one really fun example could be if they enjoy
making pancakes on Sunday morning with the kids, maybe they
could own the whole Sunday morning routine. Maybe you could
say you do Sunday morning so well, I want to
build on that, Like, what else could we do to
make Sundays beautiful and get them to take ownership of it.
I know some parents who are like, you do Sunday
(10:54):
so well, You've got Sunday, I'm going out with my friends.
But that's not what we're suggesting here, because it's really
about building stronger family relationships. The reason for this builds
success Slowly idea is because success breeds success, and when
someone starts to feel competent make progress in one area
of life, they're more likely to try expanding their involvement
(11:15):
and building that up elsewhere. It just comes down to competence.
So the last idea, we've got to do this really
quickly because we're out of time. Is I'm a big
on role modeling, and this one's a little bit trickier.
It requires a little bit of planning and forethought, or
it requires being really obvious and being quite transparent. One
of the two. I prefer the transparent model, but some
people do prefer being a little sneaky. Let another dad
(11:39):
show the way. So sometimes, and this is unfair and inappropriate,
but it goes like this anyway, whether it's right or not.
Sometimes partners need to see what engaged parenting looks like
from someone who is in their spouse, and men particularly
seem to be really responsive to seeing other men model
hands on pairing with out realizing that they're being taught.
Speaker 2 (12:02):
The idea that we can become the average of the
five people we spend the most time with.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
Well we're not only that we can become, we do
become the average of the five people you spend the
most time with is.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
Pretty powerful, right. Yeah, So if your husband hangs out
with people who are just like him, and they come
home and they are on their screens or they're gaming,
or they've.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
Got that entitlement, where's my dinner, why's the house and
mess kind of thing.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
Then there is going to be no there's going to
be no shift.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
And if they're the jokes that they're making at work
the next day, that's that's a problem. Right. So finding
finding really good role models who can model the kind
of fatherhood that that that's just that's a game changer.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
So it's almost it's that concept of building a village.
We're building a village around our family with people who
we essentially aspire to be.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
Like, do you know, I want to share something quite
personal and a little bit hard for me to share.
I work so hard. I work, I'm writing books, I'm
recording podcasts, I'm traveling. My time is so limited, and
I work really hard to make sure that kids get
plenty of me. But I've got a mate who runs
a big business. He builds semi trailer trailers, Like he
(13:17):
builds the trailers for big trucks, tip of trucks, all
that kind of thing. It's a multimillion dollar business. The
guy is at work first thing in the morning. He's
working with a big crew of guys. Like he works
hard as well. But when I talk to him about
what he's been up to he's been camping with the kids.
They're into go karting and so they're up and down
the Queensland coast in it in New South Wales regularly
for all their go karting competitions. They're out in the
(13:39):
shed building go karts together. He's teaching the kids how
to do the mechanics and change the tires and do
all that sort of stuff. Every time I talk to Chris.
Every time I talk to Chris, he inspires me to
be a better parent. He inspires me to book something
in with the children and spend time with them do
things that are valuable.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
You forgot to add that he's about twenty years younger
than you as an he.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
No, he's only about this is the his kids are
younger than ours. But yeah, he's only a few years younger.
He's just he's such a great model of what it
is to be a connected, engaged father.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
So you can't use old age as no.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
No, I can't. But this is the point. This is
why I added it. I actually wanted to make a
special mention to Chris. I'll have to mention that he's
in the pod today because I love hearing about what
Chris does and what he and the kids get up to.
And when dads can be involved with other dads who
are talking about those kinds of things, it just changes
(14:35):
the nature of their relationships. They get more involved. Once again, though,
I'm going to come back to appreciation, he is probably
doing stuff. I hope he's doing stuff. Let's acknowledge the
stuff that he is doing and try and build on it.
Go with slow success. The reality is, I actually think
most parents really do want to be good parents. Sometimes
they just need an invitation, They need some appreciation, or
(14:55):
they need a pathway that doesn't feel overwhelming. They don't
need judgment, criticism, need modeling, and they need collaboration. And
hopefully these ideas, these gentle approaches can create much bigger
transformations than the confrontational you need to pull up your
socks buddy approach. The Happy Famili's podcast is produced by
Justin ruland from Bridge Media. Mimhammonds provides all of our
(15:18):
admin and other support. If you'd like more information about
making your family happier, you'll find info on resources at
happy families dot com dot you
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