July 7, 2025 • 20 mins
In a world where kids feel lonelier than ever- despite being constantly “connected” - how can we help them build real, meaningful friendships and resist negative peer pressure? How are the families on Parental Guidance helping their kids make and foster friendships? In this episode, we dive into the crucial role of social skills, healthy face-to-face interactions, and intentional parenting to help children thrive socially and emotionally.
KEY POINTS
- Not all peer pressure is bad — positive peer pressure can help kids adopt healthy habits.
- Many kids today struggle with loneliness despite being surrounded by peers, often due to excessive screen time and lack of real-world social practice.
- Social skills like introducing oneself, showing curiosity, and maintaining conversations are essential for resisting negative peer pressure.
- Parents play a key role by modelling healthy social interactions, facilitating opportunities, and keeping conversations about relationships open and non-judgemental.
- Excessive technology use may hinder social development, but more evidence is needed to fully understand the impact.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
"You become the average of the five people you spend the most time with — so help your kids choose wisely." – Dr Justin Coulson
RESOURCES
- Find more parenting resources and tips for making your family happier at Happy Families.
- You can watch Parental Guidance on demand at 9NOW.
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
✅ Reduce your child’s screen time and encourage more in-person social interactions.
✅ Organise supervised, face-to-face playdates or gatherings to help kids practice social skills.
✅ Have regular conversations with your child about their friendships — what’s working, what’s hard, and how they feel about making new friends.
✅ Teach curiosity and empathy by modelling how to ask good questions and show interest in others.
✅ Support your child in developing both structured (team sports, clubs) and unstructured (free play) social experiences.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Oh my goodness, how good is Parental Guidance? Season three
is back. We've just had episode two last night on
Channel nine. You can stream it and catch up on
nine now today. Welcome to the Happy Families podcast, Real
parenting Solutions every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast.
My name's doctor Justin Courson. I'm here with missus Happy Families, Kylie.
I love this show, Kylie, and I love sitting down
(00:27):
with the kids and watching it. A bitter heavy one
last night, though.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
What I love about the show is just the way
it opens up dialogue with your family. And because we've
got such a vast range of ages in our home,
the way each of them perceives and is able to
internalize the messages that are shared is so delightful.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
Yeah, yeah, it really is. We do need to warn
you spoilers galore. If you haven't watched it, don't listen
to the pod yet, or listen and then be prepared
for what's coming. Last night, pressure of the long standing
struggle that is pushing kids to the edge. Can today's
kids make friends? Do they practice consent? Can they resist
(01:10):
toxic influences? Our focused parents were the same as Episode one.
Speaker 3 (01:14):
Courtney and Jean tell us about you.
Speaker 4 (01:16):
We're the pro tech parents. We embrace technology in our
everyday lives so that our kids acquire the skills that
they need for their future. I socialize with my kids
through technology because we will play games together, we will
live stream together, we'll make content together.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
How you client, I'm really good?
Speaker 5 (01:36):
Thank you?
Speaker 2 (01:37):
How about yourself?
Speaker 6 (01:38):
Gaming allows the children to socialize with their friends online
and meet people online.
Speaker 5 (01:43):
Thank you for the gifts.
Speaker 6 (01:45):
It's very easy to succumb to peer pressure, so I
think we've had a lot of conversations with them about
standing up for what you believe in and making sure
your voice is heard.
Speaker 3 (01:56):
Amy and Mark were the active parents, choose fun and
outdoor activities.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
And we prioritize family time.
Speaker 7 (02:08):
As active parents, the more for risky play. Also, the
backyard were built was a risky backyard. As active parents,
with peer pressure, we're constantly talking to the kids about it.
Speaker 8 (02:23):
No means no. If they don't want to do something,
they don't have to do something.
Speaker 7 (02:26):
You don't want to do it, just so no and
walk away.
Speaker 3 (02:30):
Mark and Temmy we're the upfront parents, but we still
have old school values.
Speaker 7 (02:35):
With open communication, where knowledge is power. Do are silly, man.
We're the upfront family and we're all about proactive parenting.
Having open and honest conversations is ready. Nothing is off limits.
If our kids found pressure by others, I would like
(02:57):
to see ink that they can remember what we've been
saying for thirteen years, Daddy. We rely on them knowing
right from wrong. We've taught our kids to say know
if they don't agree with something.
Speaker 9 (03:08):
Their kids will definitely.
Speaker 7 (03:10):
Much to our detriments sometimes.
Speaker 3 (03:14):
Nathan and Joanne tell us your preferred parenting STYFF.
Speaker 10 (03:17):
We're the traditional parents.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
We have traditional mom and dad rules. We lead by example,
being kind and disciplined with ourselves one two three. We
are traditional parents. We've chosen to parent our children with
strong Christian values. We allow them to walk their path
and we just sort of we're going along protecting them
(03:40):
and keeping them safe on it.
Speaker 10 (03:43):
As traditional parents. I think our children can handle peer
pressure very well, and they have a very clear standard
of what's right and wrong that's based on our faith.
If they're pressured to do something that crosses that line,
then it's a hard no for them.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
Okay, so last night was about peer pressure. We started
off by highlighting that not all peer pressure is bad.
I'm a really big believer in positive peer pressure. You
become the average of the five people you spend the
most time with, so who you're surrounding yourself with. If
you can surround yourself with great people, you'll become a
much better person. At the risk of oversimplifying, if you
hang around with a bunch of kids who study, you're
(04:19):
probably going to study. If you hang around with a
bunch of kids who play Fortnite, you're probably going to
play fortnite. If you hang around with a whole lot
of people who love to I don't know, go and
hang out at maccas and eat slushies and soft serves,
then you're going to become that kind of person. You
literally become the average of the five people you spend
the most time with. So we wanted to have a
(04:39):
look at how kids are going with building healthy friendships.
Healthy friendships are key for both good times and bad
and research, unfortunately shows that loneliness is at an all
time high, and we know that kids are struggling to
make friends, perhaps now more than ever before.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
Within our church community, I've spent the last couple of
years working with girls between the ages of twelve and eighteen,
and a large percentage of them are all saying the
same things. They have no friends, they feel isolated, they
feel lonely. And yet what I'm seeing when I'm actually
in these group settings is predominantly kids who are on
(05:21):
their phone in spite of the fact that there's a
room full of people. They're looking down and as a result,
oblivious to what's up, to what's going on around them,
and who they might actually have a great friendship with
if they just took the time to get to know them.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
It never ceees it to amaze me that you can
be in a room of twenty or thirty people who
are all feeling lonely, isolated and want to make friends,
but because you stare at your phone, you don't actually
get to make the relationship leap and don't get there.
So here's what we did. Let's set the scene. First challenge.
It was a version of speed dating, but for kids.
What we wanted to find out was have the parents
help their children to build the interpersonal skills to make friends.
Speaker 3 (05:58):
In this challenge, each child will have five minutes to
make a new friend before the bell rings, and a
new interaction begins. We want to see if the kids
are comfortable using social conventions and are confident in new
social situations, because these skills are their first lines of
defense against negative peer pressure.
Speaker 5 (06:22):
My name is Zach, my name's Marshall.
Speaker 7 (06:24):
Marshall's our most confident kid.
Speaker 5 (06:26):
Do you have any hobbies or anything. Yeah, I like boxing.
I've had several fights.
Speaker 3 (06:31):
Have you want, Ernie, Yeah, I think I've won four
fights and lost three.
Speaker 8 (06:36):
That's pretty good.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 8 (06:38):
I think the active parenting style will help him out
with making new friends, building building confidence. Damie, it's nice
to meet you.
Speaker 6 (06:49):
Next to meet you, you're gladly.
Speaker 10 (06:52):
I think Rose is going to be a little bit nervous.
Speaker 5 (06:55):
You're enduring the summer.
Speaker 3 (06:56):
Yeah, I feel a little bit nervous for her only twelfth.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
That she's quite capable.
Speaker 3 (07:02):
I'm used to being with her.
Speaker 8 (07:07):
Hello, Saxon, Yeah, that's nice to meet you. Amors.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
Oh yeah, nice to meet you too.
Speaker 5 (07:13):
And you started back to school? Yeah, well grade you went.
Speaker 8 (07:16):
I'm a grade eight.
Speaker 9 (07:16):
I'm a great I too.
Speaker 10 (07:17):
Really.
Speaker 8 (07:18):
Yeah you looked much short than me.
Speaker 9 (07:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (07:26):
Yeah, so you had like a great holidays?
Speaker 5 (07:28):
Yeah it was it was good.
Speaker 3 (07:31):
Yeah, if I had to pick a friend out of
every and I met today, I will probably pick.
Speaker 9 (07:41):
Saxon because I don't know.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
I don't Oh, Nathan and Jim, you're in trouble, what
did you think of that?
Speaker 1 (07:54):
So it's very cute.
Speaker 9 (07:56):
It was a bit of flirting going on.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
Nathan, you're a dada tools I'm a dad of six girls.
When you see your daughter starting to show interest in
a boy, it does something to you, and it's really
tricky for dads to navigate their little girl growing up.
Speaker 10 (08:17):
It's the first time I've kind of seen that, you know, ever,
and it's played back at you, and so it's kind
of a little bit of a well I know what
he's doing, and I know what's happening there.
Speaker 3 (08:26):
Yeah, but I mean we've got a long way to
go before she's dating.
Speaker 4 (08:31):
It is happening, and you're just not told about it.
Speaker 7 (08:33):
I was interested in boys, I remember of grade six.
I think Joanne might be a bit naive to think
that at thirteen years of age, where's he's not thinking
about boys?
Speaker 1 (08:45):
All right? So before we talk about Nathan and Joanne
and our traditional parents, I just want to highlight our
active parents. Nailed it. Amy and Mark, their son chatty, conversational, curious.
Love what he he was great. I just love what
he did. I really want to talk though about Nathan,
dad to two daughters. Obviously I made the point that
(09:05):
we have six daughters, but this really resonated for me.
We've got our girls going through all kinds of different
stages of being interested in boys. You're watching rosies flirting
with the little young man who was sitting opposite her
at the table. I mean, the flicking of the hair
and the big smiles and the laughter, and it was
just it was really delightful.
Speaker 2 (09:27):
Why is it that a girl's positive behavior is seen
as flirting?
Speaker 1 (09:31):
Oh? Come on, that was flirting. You can't tell me.
She was smiling, she was flooding her eyes, she was
flicking her hair. She didn't do that with anyone else
that she spoke to. It was just that boy. That's
why it was seen as flirting. If she was doing
that with everyone, that'd be one thing, But she wasn't.
What I want to ask you is, what do you
think that we've done in our family, or maybe even
(09:52):
what you've specifically done as a mum of six girls,
as our daughters have developed relationships and friendships with boys.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
I grew up in a really strict home, quite very
traditional and with strong Christian values, and as a result,
having a relationship with a boy any time before I
was thirty two was probably ridiculously taboo. So I couldn't
come home and tell my mum that there was a
cute guy in my class or anything like that. And
(10:23):
so that's something that I've really really focused on with
our girls. I want them to know that it's actually
completely normal for them to be interested, for them to
have eyes on, for them to you know, kind of
want to have these close relationships with boys. So for me,
the biggest thing has been helping them to recognize that
(10:44):
conversations around boys is not taboo. And then if we
extend on that, it's about having those tricky conversations with
them regularly and helping them to understand what age appropriate
relationships are with the opposite sex.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
There's an obs of that the protech parents made that
we do need to just tap into.
Speaker 6 (11:04):
I think there's a risk of the traditional parents wrapping
their kids in cotton wool and not letting them experience
the real world.
Speaker 4 (11:10):
Their views are really outdated.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
So reflecting on that, justin what are three tips that
you would suggest to help navigate through the early stages
of puberty.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
Yeah, I mean, when I think about this whole scenario,
and we're going to get to more after the break.
But for me, seeing children who are socially adept, they're
able to make an argument that they're a friend worth having,
They're able to reach out and connect with other people,
I think I would say more time face to face,
less time in front of screens. The more practice you
(11:41):
get at it, the better you get at it. People
don't want to meet people nowadays because it's too anxiety inducing,
and that really concerns me. I think though, that especially
with younger kids, there still has to be appropriate levels
of supervision, like organize the playdates, organized to get togethers,
bring the kids over for a little bit of a
hangout on the back and provide the milkshakes and the
(12:03):
treats and have them swim in the pool, and facilitate
those kinds of get together opportunities where there is some
parental oversight. And last of all, I mean, you've already
talked about it with our kids, regular chats, just regular
conversations about what friendships are working and what friendships aren't
and how it feels to introduce yourself to the new
kid in class. It's not rocket science, but doing these
(12:26):
basic things gives the kids such an early advantage in
terms of being socially flexible, agile, and adept. After the break,
a little bit more on how kids are doing when
it comes to meeting strangers and striking up friendships for
the first time. Okay, we're talking about the speed dating
(12:51):
how the kids go making friends and meeting new people.
From episode two of Parental Guidance. Here's some more audio
from what happened in last night's conversations.
Speaker 5 (13:02):
Nice to meet you.
Speaker 4 (13:04):
My name is Samuel, what's yours?
Speaker 9 (13:06):
As upfront parents actually going out to meet new people.
I don't have any concerns about that. I know by
us being able to have conversations with our kids, it's
probably given them the confidence to then go and maybe
approach people and speak to them as well.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
Do you have any hobbies.
Speaker 5 (13:27):
Yeah, I like to play football, basketball, I like to.
Speaker 6 (13:31):
Play video games.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
Nice I like to play video games as well.
Speaker 3 (13:37):
I feel like every teenager does nowadays.
Speaker 8 (13:41):
I'm not going to get addicted to gaming and stuff
like other people.
Speaker 4 (13:48):
Hey, that's your name, Archer, what's your name.
Speaker 7 (13:55):
Do you play any sports?
Speaker 2 (13:57):
Yeah?
Speaker 8 (13:58):
Play basketball?
Speaker 9 (14:00):
So said.
Speaker 5 (14:07):
Hi, Hey, Hi, what's your name.
Speaker 8 (14:10):
My name's Land and I'm Hugo. It's a good thanks,
nice to meet you.
Speaker 6 (14:17):
There's protect parents. People often assume that because our kids
are on technology that they will turn into screen zombies.
Speaker 5 (14:24):
No, tracks are good.
Speaker 6 (14:27):
We can see that they can be at home but
still socialized.
Speaker 4 (14:32):
I think online friends are better because you don't have
to see them all the time.
Speaker 6 (14:37):
That's the real answer.
Speaker 5 (14:48):
Do you play any games?
Speaker 8 (14:49):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (14:49):
I play Fortnite? I played fourne as well.
Speaker 6 (14:52):
Hu, what lovel are you?
Speaker 9 (14:53):
I'm I don't really know.
Speaker 5 (14:55):
Love Liam, but I'm over two hundred, over two hundred,
I'm only a hundred. Yeah, nice to meet you.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
What is your favorite thing to do with friends?
Speaker 4 (15:12):
Probably play Fortnite?
Speaker 5 (15:16):
I'd probably go shopping.
Speaker 6 (15:18):
Yeah that's pretty good.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
Yeah, let's have listen to some of the feedback from
the group around The tech savvy kids.
Speaker 5 (15:27):
Like watching Land and kind of reminded me of myself
when I was young, I was hooked to the screens
of video games and I was very antisocial. I could
not hold conversations. You can see he wasn't comfortable being
in that like he's normally used to probably chating to
the people online, which to me is to us suggest
to your concern.
Speaker 8 (15:45):
I think that's where the concerns of us who don't
do much screen time. We feel that that negatively affects
ability to form relationships and things like that. Exactly you
even mentioned, which I think is a bit of a
dangerous narrative. His online friends are better.
Speaker 4 (16:02):
It was a.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
Panel appearance, had some really good observations, but I really
want to hone in on it. This idea, you know,
watching the protect Sun's lack of eye contact. He couldn't
he couldn't hold a stare at all. But I think
the thing that really stood out to me was he
was really happy to answer the questions, but he had
no questions of his own. There was no curiosity, There
(16:25):
was no ability to maintain and to build on the
conversation that had been gifted him.
Speaker 1 (16:32):
Yeah, those social skills are so important, unless, of course,
the conversation was about Fortnite, Fortnite, Night Fortnite. Yep. If
it was about Fortnite, he was pretty heavy to get
in there. I don't know where that came from. I'm
so sorry.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
So is there any evidence of a correlation between screen
time and meaningful relationships with the young people.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
So this is the thing that really annoys me about science.
It takes a long time to get really good research happening,
and to do good quality studies to have them published
and disseminated is a process. So I have to preface
what I'm about to say with there's not a lot
of evidence. There's not a lot of solid evidence, and
the evidence that we do have does tend to point
(17:10):
generally in one direction, although it's still a little bit mixed. Basically,
when screens are involved in a conversation, like if you
and I are sitting here and there's a phone on
the table, we're typically going to rate our conversation partner
is less interested, less interesting, less empathic, and we're going
to say that the conversation was less enjoyable, Whereas if
(17:31):
there is no device on the table, we tend to
find people more enjoyable, more empathic, we find the conversation
more satisfying. There is some data, limited data that indicates
that compulsive screen users may be less socially adept, but
I don't think that it's particularly strong at this point.
My suspicion, my hypothesis is that this is a concern,
(17:52):
it is a problem, and we need to do the
stuff that we've talked about in this podcast to help
children to learn how to navigate social situations, reduce the anxiety,
be curiate about one another, ask questions, and have fun
in social settings. We are ultrasocial as a species, and
it's bad for our species if we stop connecting.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
What are some suggestions or advice you would give to
parents specifically around helping their kids find a balance between
friendships in the real world and their online worlds.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
Yeah, I'd just say, I mean you and I know
this because we emphasize it so much in our home.
Minimize screens, encourage the kids to be outdoors with people,
being active, and have a really good mix of both
structured and unstructured activities so that they're developing skills. They're
having enriching opportunities. They're getting coached in things that are
important to them like playing the drums or playing their
(18:41):
ball or whatever. But they're also being social and being
able to climb trees, ride bikes, god of the local park,
do that kind of stuff. They need to have these
face to face experiences.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
I just think this is all about intention as parents.
We actually have to we actually have to be intentional
about providing opportunities for our kids. I look at the
relationships that our girls have, and the one thing that
really surprises me is we've got a handful of friends
that because of location, we haven't been able to spend
a lot of time with them at all. We might
catch up with them once every twelve months. But as
(19:13):
they've grown, they've actually gravitated to those relationships as they've
gotten older, because they've gotten in they've had shared experiences,
and in spite of the fact that they haven't had
a mass amount of time together, they have been building
slowly a relationship that works.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
So that's about it for today. Tomorrow we're going to
focus on those conversations that you need to have with
your children about consent. This was one of my favorite
parts of last night's episode. A huge thank you to
Justin rule On, our producer for our podcast, Justin Rolan
from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer during
the Parential Guidance series. We appreciate his guidance and support
(19:54):
as well, and MM Hammond's provides all of our research
and admin support. I like more information and resources to
make your family happier, visit us at happy families dot
com dot au. We'll see you tomorrow.
Oh my goodness, how good is Parental Guidance? Season three
is back. We've just had episode two last night on
Channel nine. You can stream it and catch up on
nine now today. Welcome to the Happy Families podcast, Real
parenting Solutions every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast.
My name's doctor Justin Courson. I'm here with missus Happy Families, Kylie.
I love this show, Kylie, and I love sitting down
(00:27):
with the kids and watching it. A bitter heavy one
last night, though.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
What I love about the show is just the way
it opens up dialogue with your family. And because we've
got such a vast range of ages in our home,
the way each of them perceives and is able to
internalize the messages that are shared is so delightful.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
Yeah, yeah, it really is. We do need to warn
you spoilers galore. If you haven't watched it, don't listen
to the pod yet, or listen and then be prepared
for what's coming. Last night, pressure of the long standing
struggle that is pushing kids to the edge. Can today's
kids make friends? Do they practice consent? Can they resist
(01:10):
toxic influences? Our focused parents were the same as Episode one.
Speaker 3 (01:14):
Courtney and Jean tell us about you.
Speaker 4 (01:16):
We're the pro tech parents. We embrace technology in our
everyday lives so that our kids acquire the skills that
they need for their future. I socialize with my kids
through technology because we will play games together, we will
live stream together, we'll make content together.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
How you client, I'm really good?
Speaker 5 (01:36):
Thank you?
Speaker 2 (01:37):
How about yourself?
Speaker 6 (01:38):
Gaming allows the children to socialize with their friends online
and meet people online.
Speaker 5 (01:43):
Thank you for the gifts.
Speaker 6 (01:45):
It's very easy to succumb to peer pressure, so I
think we've had a lot of conversations with them about
standing up for what you believe in and making sure
your voice is heard.
Speaker 3 (01:56):
Amy and Mark were the active parents, choose fun and
outdoor activities.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
And we prioritize family time.
Speaker 7 (02:08):
As active parents, the more for risky play. Also, the
backyard were built was a risky backyard. As active parents,
with peer pressure, we're constantly talking to the kids about it.
Speaker 8 (02:23):
No means no. If they don't want to do something,
they don't have to do something.
Speaker 7 (02:26):
You don't want to do it, just so no and
walk away.
Speaker 3 (02:30):
Mark and Temmy we're the upfront parents, but we still
have old school values.
Speaker 7 (02:35):
With open communication, where knowledge is power. Do are silly, man.
We're the upfront family and we're all about proactive parenting.
Having open and honest conversations is ready. Nothing is off limits.
If our kids found pressure by others, I would like
(02:57):
to see ink that they can remember what we've been
saying for thirteen years, Daddy. We rely on them knowing
right from wrong. We've taught our kids to say know
if they don't agree with something.
Speaker 9 (03:08):
Their kids will definitely.
Speaker 7 (03:10):
Much to our detriments sometimes.
Speaker 3 (03:14):
Nathan and Joanne tell us your preferred parenting STYFF.
Speaker 10 (03:17):
We're the traditional parents.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
We have traditional mom and dad rules. We lead by example,
being kind and disciplined with ourselves one two three. We
are traditional parents. We've chosen to parent our children with
strong Christian values. We allow them to walk their path
and we just sort of we're going along protecting them
(03:40):
and keeping them safe on it.
Speaker 10 (03:43):
As traditional parents. I think our children can handle peer
pressure very well, and they have a very clear standard
of what's right and wrong that's based on our faith.
If they're pressured to do something that crosses that line,
then it's a hard no for them.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
Okay, so last night was about peer pressure. We started
off by highlighting that not all peer pressure is bad.
I'm a really big believer in positive peer pressure. You
become the average of the five people you spend the
most time with, so who you're surrounding yourself with. If
you can surround yourself with great people, you'll become a
much better person. At the risk of oversimplifying, if you
hang around with a bunch of kids who study, you're
(04:19):
probably going to study. If you hang around with a
bunch of kids who play Fortnite, you're probably going to
play fortnite. If you hang around with a whole lot
of people who love to I don't know, go and
hang out at maccas and eat slushies and soft serves,
then you're going to become that kind of person. You
literally become the average of the five people you spend
the most time with. So we wanted to have a
(04:39):
look at how kids are going with building healthy friendships.
Healthy friendships are key for both good times and bad
and research, unfortunately shows that loneliness is at an all
time high, and we know that kids are struggling to
make friends, perhaps now more than ever before.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
Within our church community, I've spent the last couple of
years working with girls between the ages of twelve and eighteen,
and a large percentage of them are all saying the
same things. They have no friends, they feel isolated, they
feel lonely. And yet what I'm seeing when I'm actually
in these group settings is predominantly kids who are on
(05:21):
their phone in spite of the fact that there's a
room full of people. They're looking down and as a result,
oblivious to what's up, to what's going on around them,
and who they might actually have a great friendship with
if they just took the time to get to know them.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
It never ceees it to amaze me that you can
be in a room of twenty or thirty people who
are all feeling lonely, isolated and want to make friends,
but because you stare at your phone, you don't actually
get to make the relationship leap and don't get there.
So here's what we did. Let's set the scene. First challenge.
It was a version of speed dating, but for kids.
What we wanted to find out was have the parents
help their children to build the interpersonal skills to make friends.
Speaker 3 (05:58):
In this challenge, each child will have five minutes to
make a new friend before the bell rings, and a
new interaction begins. We want to see if the kids
are comfortable using social conventions and are confident in new
social situations, because these skills are their first lines of
defense against negative peer pressure.
Speaker 5 (06:22):
My name is Zach, my name's Marshall.
Speaker 7 (06:24):
Marshall's our most confident kid.
Speaker 5 (06:26):
Do you have any hobbies or anything. Yeah, I like boxing.
I've had several fights.
Speaker 3 (06:31):
Have you want, Ernie, Yeah, I think I've won four
fights and lost three.
Speaker 8 (06:36):
That's pretty good.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 8 (06:38):
I think the active parenting style will help him out
with making new friends, building building confidence. Damie, it's nice
to meet you.
Speaker 6 (06:49):
Next to meet you, you're gladly.
Speaker 10 (06:52):
I think Rose is going to be a little bit nervous.
Speaker 5 (06:55):
You're enduring the summer.
Speaker 3 (06:56):
Yeah, I feel a little bit nervous for her only twelfth.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
That she's quite capable.
Speaker 3 (07:02):
I'm used to being with her.
Speaker 8 (07:07):
Hello, Saxon, Yeah, that's nice to meet you. Amors.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
Oh yeah, nice to meet you too.
Speaker 5 (07:13):
And you started back to school? Yeah, well grade you went.
Speaker 8 (07:16):
I'm a grade eight.
Speaker 9 (07:16):
I'm a great I too.
Speaker 10 (07:17):
Really.
Speaker 8 (07:18):
Yeah you looked much short than me.
Speaker 9 (07:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (07:26):
Yeah, so you had like a great holidays?
Speaker 5 (07:28):
Yeah it was it was good.
Speaker 3 (07:31):
Yeah, if I had to pick a friend out of
every and I met today, I will probably pick.
Speaker 9 (07:41):
Saxon because I don't know.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
I don't Oh, Nathan and Jim, you're in trouble, what
did you think of that?
Speaker 1 (07:54):
So it's very cute.
Speaker 9 (07:56):
It was a bit of flirting going on.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
Nathan, you're a dada tools I'm a dad of six girls.
When you see your daughter starting to show interest in
a boy, it does something to you, and it's really
tricky for dads to navigate their little girl growing up.
Speaker 10 (08:17):
It's the first time I've kind of seen that, you know, ever,
and it's played back at you, and so it's kind
of a little bit of a well I know what
he's doing, and I know what's happening there.
Speaker 3 (08:26):
Yeah, but I mean we've got a long way to
go before she's dating.
Speaker 4 (08:31):
It is happening, and you're just not told about it.
Speaker 7 (08:33):
I was interested in boys, I remember of grade six.
I think Joanne might be a bit naive to think
that at thirteen years of age, where's he's not thinking
about boys?
Speaker 1 (08:45):
All right? So before we talk about Nathan and Joanne
and our traditional parents, I just want to highlight our
active parents. Nailed it. Amy and Mark, their son chatty, conversational, curious.
Love what he he was great. I just love what
he did. I really want to talk though about Nathan,
dad to two daughters. Obviously I made the point that
(09:05):
we have six daughters, but this really resonated for me.
We've got our girls going through all kinds of different
stages of being interested in boys. You're watching rosies flirting
with the little young man who was sitting opposite her
at the table. I mean, the flicking of the hair
and the big smiles and the laughter, and it was
just it was really delightful.
Speaker 2 (09:27):
Why is it that a girl's positive behavior is seen
as flirting?
Speaker 1 (09:31):
Oh? Come on, that was flirting. You can't tell me.
She was smiling, she was flooding her eyes, she was
flicking her hair. She didn't do that with anyone else
that she spoke to. It was just that boy. That's
why it was seen as flirting. If she was doing
that with everyone, that'd be one thing, But she wasn't.
What I want to ask you is, what do you
think that we've done in our family, or maybe even
(09:52):
what you've specifically done as a mum of six girls,
as our daughters have developed relationships and friendships with boys.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
I grew up in a really strict home, quite very
traditional and with strong Christian values, and as a result,
having a relationship with a boy any time before I
was thirty two was probably ridiculously taboo. So I couldn't
come home and tell my mum that there was a
cute guy in my class or anything like that. And
(10:23):
so that's something that I've really really focused on with
our girls. I want them to know that it's actually
completely normal for them to be interested, for them to
have eyes on, for them to you know, kind of
want to have these close relationships with boys. So for me,
the biggest thing has been helping them to recognize that
(10:44):
conversations around boys is not taboo. And then if we
extend on that, it's about having those tricky conversations with
them regularly and helping them to understand what age appropriate
relationships are with the opposite sex.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
There's an obs of that the protech parents made that
we do need to just tap into.
Speaker 6 (11:04):
I think there's a risk of the traditional parents wrapping
their kids in cotton wool and not letting them experience
the real world.
Speaker 4 (11:10):
Their views are really outdated.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
So reflecting on that, justin what are three tips that
you would suggest to help navigate through the early stages
of puberty.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
Yeah, I mean, when I think about this whole scenario,
and we're going to get to more after the break.
But for me, seeing children who are socially adept, they're
able to make an argument that they're a friend worth having,
They're able to reach out and connect with other people,
I think I would say more time face to face,
less time in front of screens. The more practice you
(11:41):
get at it, the better you get at it. People
don't want to meet people nowadays because it's too anxiety inducing,
and that really concerns me. I think though, that especially
with younger kids, there still has to be appropriate levels
of supervision, like organize the playdates, organized to get togethers,
bring the kids over for a little bit of a
hangout on the back and provide the milkshakes and the
(12:03):
treats and have them swim in the pool, and facilitate
those kinds of get together opportunities where there is some
parental oversight. And last of all, I mean, you've already
talked about it with our kids, regular chats, just regular
conversations about what friendships are working and what friendships aren't
and how it feels to introduce yourself to the new
kid in class. It's not rocket science, but doing these
(12:26):
basic things gives the kids such an early advantage in
terms of being socially flexible, agile, and adept. After the break,
a little bit more on how kids are doing when
it comes to meeting strangers and striking up friendships for
the first time. Okay, we're talking about the speed dating
(12:51):
how the kids go making friends and meeting new people.
From episode two of Parental Guidance. Here's some more audio
from what happened in last night's conversations.
Speaker 5 (13:02):
Nice to meet you.
Speaker 4 (13:04):
My name is Samuel, what's yours?
Speaker 9 (13:06):
As upfront parents actually going out to meet new people.
I don't have any concerns about that. I know by
us being able to have conversations with our kids, it's
probably given them the confidence to then go and maybe
approach people and speak to them as well.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
Do you have any hobbies.
Speaker 5 (13:27):
Yeah, I like to play football, basketball, I like to.
Speaker 6 (13:31):
Play video games.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
Nice I like to play video games as well.
Speaker 3 (13:37):
I feel like every teenager does nowadays.
Speaker 8 (13:41):
I'm not going to get addicted to gaming and stuff
like other people.
Speaker 4 (13:48):
Hey, that's your name, Archer, what's your name.
Speaker 7 (13:55):
Do you play any sports?
Speaker 2 (13:57):
Yeah?
Speaker 8 (13:58):
Play basketball?
Speaker 9 (14:00):
So said.
Speaker 5 (14:07):
Hi, Hey, Hi, what's your name.
Speaker 8 (14:10):
My name's Land and I'm Hugo. It's a good thanks,
nice to meet you.
Speaker 6 (14:17):
There's protect parents. People often assume that because our kids
are on technology that they will turn into screen zombies.
Speaker 5 (14:24):
No, tracks are good.
Speaker 6 (14:27):
We can see that they can be at home but
still socialized.
Speaker 4 (14:32):
I think online friends are better because you don't have
to see them all the time.
Speaker 6 (14:37):
That's the real answer.
Speaker 5 (14:48):
Do you play any games?
Speaker 8 (14:49):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (14:49):
I play Fortnite? I played fourne as well.
Speaker 6 (14:52):
Hu, what lovel are you?
Speaker 9 (14:53):
I'm I don't really know.
Speaker 5 (14:55):
Love Liam, but I'm over two hundred, over two hundred,
I'm only a hundred. Yeah, nice to meet you.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
What is your favorite thing to do with friends?
Speaker 4 (15:12):
Probably play Fortnite?
Speaker 5 (15:16):
I'd probably go shopping.
Speaker 6 (15:18):
Yeah that's pretty good.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
Yeah, let's have listen to some of the feedback from
the group around The tech savvy kids.
Speaker 5 (15:27):
Like watching Land and kind of reminded me of myself
when I was young, I was hooked to the screens
of video games and I was very antisocial. I could
not hold conversations. You can see he wasn't comfortable being
in that like he's normally used to probably chating to
the people online, which to me is to us suggest
to your concern.
Speaker 8 (15:45):
I think that's where the concerns of us who don't
do much screen time. We feel that that negatively affects
ability to form relationships and things like that. Exactly you
even mentioned, which I think is a bit of a
dangerous narrative. His online friends are better.
Speaker 4 (16:02):
It was a.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
Panel appearance, had some really good observations, but I really
want to hone in on it. This idea, you know,
watching the protect Sun's lack of eye contact. He couldn't
he couldn't hold a stare at all. But I think
the thing that really stood out to me was he
was really happy to answer the questions, but he had
no questions of his own. There was no curiosity, There
(16:25):
was no ability to maintain and to build on the
conversation that had been gifted him.
Speaker 1 (16:32):
Yeah, those social skills are so important, unless, of course,
the conversation was about Fortnite, Fortnite, Night Fortnite. Yep. If
it was about Fortnite, he was pretty heavy to get
in there. I don't know where that came from. I'm
so sorry.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
So is there any evidence of a correlation between screen
time and meaningful relationships with the young people.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
So this is the thing that really annoys me about science.
It takes a long time to get really good research happening,
and to do good quality studies to have them published
and disseminated is a process. So I have to preface
what I'm about to say with there's not a lot
of evidence. There's not a lot of solid evidence, and
the evidence that we do have does tend to point
(17:10):
generally in one direction, although it's still a little bit mixed. Basically,
when screens are involved in a conversation, like if you
and I are sitting here and there's a phone on
the table, we're typically going to rate our conversation partner
is less interested, less interesting, less empathic, and we're going
to say that the conversation was less enjoyable, Whereas if
(17:31):
there is no device on the table, we tend to
find people more enjoyable, more empathic, we find the conversation
more satisfying. There is some data, limited data that indicates
that compulsive screen users may be less socially adept, but
I don't think that it's particularly strong at this point.
My suspicion, my hypothesis is that this is a concern,
(17:52):
it is a problem, and we need to do the
stuff that we've talked about in this podcast to help
children to learn how to navigate social situations, reduce the anxiety,
be curiate about one another, ask questions, and have fun
in social settings. We are ultrasocial as a species, and
it's bad for our species if we stop connecting.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
What are some suggestions or advice you would give to
parents specifically around helping their kids find a balance between
friendships in the real world and their online worlds.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
Yeah, I'd just say, I mean you and I know
this because we emphasize it so much in our home.
Minimize screens, encourage the kids to be outdoors with people,
being active, and have a really good mix of both
structured and unstructured activities so that they're developing skills. They're
having enriching opportunities. They're getting coached in things that are
important to them like playing the drums or playing their
(18:41):
ball or whatever. But they're also being social and being
able to climb trees, ride bikes, god of the local park,
do that kind of stuff. They need to have these
face to face experiences.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
I just think this is all about intention as parents.
We actually have to we actually have to be intentional
about providing opportunities for our kids. I look at the
relationships that our girls have, and the one thing that
really surprises me is we've got a handful of friends
that because of location, we haven't been able to spend
a lot of time with them at all. We might
catch up with them once every twelve months. But as
(19:13):
they've grown, they've actually gravitated to those relationships as they've
gotten older, because they've gotten in they've had shared experiences,
and in spite of the fact that they haven't had
a mass amount of time together, they have been building
slowly a relationship that works.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
So that's about it for today. Tomorrow we're going to
focus on those conversations that you need to have with
your children about consent. This was one of my favorite
parts of last night's episode. A huge thank you to
Justin rule On, our producer for our podcast, Justin Rolan
from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer during
the Parential Guidance series. We appreciate his guidance and support
(19:54):
as well, and MM Hammond's provides all of our research
and admin support. I like more information and resources to
make your family happier, visit us at happy families dot
com dot au. We'll see you tomorrow.
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