t’s the conversation most parents hope they never have — but need to. Sexting, short shorts, and the values we bring into how we talk to our kids about consent, respect, and peer pressure. In this episode, Justin & Kylie Coulson unpack the big issues raised on this week’s Parental Guidance, and how you can guide your kids through a digital world where nothing sent is ever truly private.
KEY POINTS
- Sexting is prevalent and often normalised among teens — but there is no such thing as “safe sexting.”
- Conversations about consent, respect, and peer pressure are vital and should happen early.
- Girls are under more pressure to share explicit images and often face more shame when they do.
- Parents’ personal values (e.g., about clothing choices) are valid but must not drift into victim-blaming.
- Teaching kids respect means emphasising that what someone wears or does never justifies harassment or assault.
- Encourage kids to consider context and to be mindful of how they live out their own values while respecting others’.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
"Once you send an image, you lose control of what happens to that image — full stop, end of story."
RESOURCES MENTIONED
- happyfamilies.com.au — Resources and articles on consent, sexting, and raising respectful kids.
- Justin’s book Miss-Connection: Why Your Teenage Daughter ‘Hates’ You, Expects the World, and Needs to Talk (for more on teen girls and digital challenges).
- Upcoming book on raising boys - join the waitlist.
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
1. Start open, nonjudgmental conversations about sexting, consent, and peer pressure — don’t wait until it’s too late.
2. Make it clear: no one “deserves” mistreatment based on what they wear or share.
3. Teach kids to think critically about requests for photos and to value their privacy.
4. Emphasise that respect and consent are non-negotiable — and model these values yourself.
5. Remind kids: even trusted friends can break trust, and once something’s sent, it’s out of their control.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Parential Guidance Season three, Episode two on Monday Night, big
conversations around peer pressure and consent and some things were
said that need to be discussed today. Mark and Tammy
are upfront parents. There were some big reactions in the
room to a few things. That's what we're going to
talk about today on the podcast Today and Welcome. This
(00:28):
is the Happy Families podcast reparenting solutions every day, Australia's
most downloaded parenting podcast. We are Justin and Kylie Coulson.
Mark and Tammy are our upfront parents in season three.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Upfront parenting is all about respect underpinning that is, having
realistic expectations.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
They started off so well, we need to talk about
what they started off with. And then the unexpected turn.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
You sent a naked photo online.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
That's weird, them notfy the police.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
The thing at the moment that we're noticing is the
girls shorts have gotten shorter and shorter and shorter. I'm
saying to our boys, don't come home with the girls
with the short shorts. I don't want to be friends
with the mother in law. Do you let somebody take
a naked photo of you?
Speaker 4 (01:25):
No?
Speaker 2 (01:26):
No, you're so all of this can go away. If
you don't allow somebody to take a message of you.
Speaker 4 (01:34):
I know that you want to focus on the nudes.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Well we need to. We can we say that a
different way. That just makes me feel uncomfortable the way
that you said that.
Speaker 4 (01:43):
I'm so sorry, that's not what I mean.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
No, I know. We should also highlight today's conversation, maybe
for mature audiences, if you've got young kids listening. We
are going to be talking about some of these topics
and they are not necessarily for younger years. Okay, just
claiming out of the way, should.
Speaker 4 (01:57):
I say, I know you want to have the converse
around consent and sending news.
Speaker 1 (02:03):
Okay, that's a much better way to say it.
Speaker 4 (02:04):
Thank you, I feel But we have to talk about
Tammy's comment around short shorts and the mother in law.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
Okay, we're going to do that second. Let's talk about
the nude stuff first, and the safe sexting or whether
or not you can send anything via text message and
not have negative ramifications. That's where we need to start.
Speaker 4 (02:25):
So my question for you is how prevalent is this, like,
how many girls are actually sending news?
Speaker 1 (02:32):
Okay, So the short answer is, we don't know there's
a couple of different organizations, both here and OFCAS that
have been doing some research on this. Depending on who
you ask and how you ask it, you get numbers
anywhere between ten percent and like forty seven to fifty
ish percent, which I mean there's an enormous amount of
variation there. It depends on the I'm going to get
(02:53):
technical for a sec, depends on the sampling methodology, who's
answering the questions, why they're answering it, and what the
questions are. So I think the most important thing to
highlight is that it is happening. That is, it is
now considered in many areas a normal part of dating
and social development that kids will at some point, teenagers
(03:18):
will at some point send images of themselves that could
be concerning if they are viewed by somebody other than
the intended recipient, or that could be concerning if the
relationship breaks down, which in a huge majority of cases
it will because they're teenagers and this stuff happens.
Speaker 4 (03:35):
So I find this really curious because growing up, we
obviously didn't grow up with mobile phones, and I remember vividly,
probably being about ten and catching up with the neighborhood
kids and one of the neighborhood boys and I were
downstairs in his garage and he was like, I'll show
(03:56):
you mine if you show me yours. That kind of conversation, right.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
But this is the same thing. It's just on technology.
Speaker 4 (04:02):
Yeah, But what I was about to say is that
is the one and only time that I ever had
that conversation with someone at a time where I would
suggest developmentally curious and appropriate. But it never happened once
in my dating life did anyone ever ask to see
me naked?
Speaker 5 (04:22):
Like?
Speaker 4 (04:23):
How is it become so normalized because it's a digital
image when it would never in the past have been
asked for the majority of us to share such explicit
content in real life.
Speaker 1 (04:39):
Yeah, it's extraordinary. Partly this comes down to the pornification
of our world. So I would say that since the seventies,
but especially since the rise of the Internet. And this
is a really provocative thing to say, but there's quite
a bit of evidence to support this. The pornography industry
is response for a huge amount of the technological advancements
(05:02):
that have occurred in terms of the Internet. In fact,
there is a quote that I'm using in my upcoming
book about raising boys. I can't remember who said it. Now,
I wasn't expecting us to go down this path, but
this person basically said the Internet was made for pornography.
And so when you've got all these kids who are
seeing this stuff and then you take away inhibitions, you've
(05:24):
got this sense that because there's a screen and we're
not in one another's space, people are a lot less
inhibited in terms of what they say. The flirting gets
hotter and hotter. You feel like you're in the privacy
of your bedroom. You feel like it's only you and
that other person, and so it has your word here
is centrally important. It has become normalized. A huge percentage
(05:46):
of kids think that it is appropriate to ask for
solicit nude images from somebody else, and overwhelmingly now girls
do ask for boys to send things through, but not
very often in comparison, Again, a little bit of research.
I don't think that all the data we've got is
trustworthy at all, but the research is pretty clear that
it's the guys who are doing the asking, not the girls.
(06:08):
Girls aren't that interested in guys junk guys.
Speaker 4 (06:11):
I was about to say that pretty.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Fascinating, pretty fascinated by what's going on with girls and boys.
I have always been seen as the accelerator rather than
the break. That's the way it's always been from a
sexual point of view.
Speaker 4 (06:24):
So I guess, if we wanted to get really practical
for a minute, what's the communication look like leading up
to a photo like this being shared.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
This is a really hard thing to talk about, and
I'm really disappointed by it. So I've spoken to some
girls and some guys who admitted the same that sometimes
their first interaction online will be, hey, will you send
me a photo? Like there's this instant push, there's almost
like an expectation, and if you won't, then I'm not
interested in you. I did speak to one teenage girl
a number of years ago when I was writing my
(06:55):
book about raising teen girls. She said that she was
with some friends in the mall or in the shops,
or whatever you want to call it, and another group
of friends came over. There was one person in each
group that knew each other, but all of a sudden,
you've gone from four or five kids to about ten
or twelve kids who were all suddenly getting to know
each other. This girl swapped Instagram details with one of
(07:16):
the guys who was chatty and seemed like a nice guy.
And then she got a text message from dad, Hey,
I'm here at the shop, so I'm ready to pick
you up. Let's go. By the time she'd gotten in
the car, she got a ping from this guy on Instagram,
and literally the first thing he wanted to know was
will you send me a hot pick? Like they'd known
each other for about ten minutes, talked for about three minutes,
(07:36):
and he was soliciting. So is that normal? I don't
think so. I actually don't think so. But it is
an example of what can happen in many situations in
terms of the general communication leading up to a photo
like this being shared. If it's part of a positive relationship,
that is, a couple are in a consenting, happy, no
peer pressure kind of relationship, then they start to flirt
(07:58):
with each other and over hopefully in extended period of time,
this becomes part of their dating and courtship behavior. I'm
really concerned about it. I don't think it's safe behavior
at all. I would, well, we do actively completely in
every way discourage our children from I just think that
it's crazy. I think it's crazy behavior that you would
send an image like that to somebody that you're not
(08:19):
in a guaranteed, safe, committed relationship too, But we can
talk about that more. But what also happens, and too
many girls have told me stories like this, is that
they'll get a seemingly safe conversation starter with somebody that
they know, somebody that they think they trust, and over
a period of five minutes, ten minutes, fifty minutes, two
and a half hours, the conversation will become increasingly sexually focused,
(08:43):
and then he'll start to listen and say, hey, what
are you wearing, what's underneath it? What can you send me?
That kind of stuff. These conversations are happening way more,
way more than parents want to believe. And if we
are not having conversations about consent and about peer pressure,
especially across gender peer pressure or between gender peer pressure,
(09:04):
then our children, especially especially our daughters, could be at risk.
Speaker 4 (09:09):
You had that conversation with Dan on this episode about
this whole thing, and you asked him this question.
Speaker 6 (09:16):
Our kids are feeling the peer pressure to sext, Dan.
Speaker 4 (09:19):
What is it with sexting?
Speaker 5 (09:21):
This has just become normalized. It's quite extraordinary how many
young people are aware of sexting in nudes and again
late primary into year seven, like this is when this
is rife and starts happening a lot. Boys know there's
more pressure on girls to share nudes, and there's more
shame when they do.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
Is there such a thing as safe sexting?
Speaker 5 (09:42):
In your opinion, I don't believe there is. I think
we do have to hold the line on that for
the safety of everybody.
Speaker 4 (09:52):
Do you agree with Dan on this any other thing?
Speaker 1 (09:54):
Let's play back what Courtney said.
Speaker 7 (09:56):
I would never blame a girl for having her photo shit.
I have had a naked photo of me leaked before.
I've had been in that circumstance before I thought I
could trust someone. I have told our boys a lot
about my past, including that event. I have told them
(10:18):
how I feel and why you shouldn't be doing that
to women.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
So here we have a situation where we've got a
mum on the show who's saying I shared some images
with somebody in a trusting relationship and those images got
out that person was not trustworthy and what a steep
price to pay? What a really steep price to pay. So,
in answer to your question, I just think this is
a really really I don't think there's such a thing
(10:44):
as safe sexting. Dan Prince Pay is absolutely right here.
When you send an image, you lose control of what
happens to that image, full stop, end of story. Once
it's on somebody else's device, it could be hacked, it
could be shared, it could be shown to somebody else,
it could be screenshotted. There is no such thing as
(11:05):
safe sexting. And I really believe that conversation needs to
happen with our kids. We're going to be back after
break to talk about that second big issue courtesy of Tammy.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Don't come home with the girls with the short shots?
Speaker 1 (11:25):
Okay, Kylie, there was a really big bomb that was dropped,
I guess by our upfront parents, Mark and Tammy. Tammy
said something about short shorts that got everybody hot on
the collar.
Speaker 3 (11:39):
What was the short shorts thing?
Speaker 4 (11:42):
What was that?
Speaker 2 (11:43):
There we go, I'm not judging the girl with the
short shorts. I'm judging the girl's mum.
Speaker 3 (11:49):
You were very judgmental there, and because you have all
boys as well.
Speaker 8 (11:54):
I think girls should be able to wear whatever they want.
Speaker 4 (11:56):
I really do.
Speaker 8 (11:56):
But I do think that there's an age as well
where it's appropriate. A twelve year old in a g
string on a beach makes it very difficult for my
husband to walk down comfortably.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
So women need to dress appropriately so that Nathan feels comfortable.
Speaker 8 (12:12):
Like, how do you feel about that?
Speaker 3 (12:14):
I'm not really thinking is my husband looking at that?
I just don't think that we should be putting down women?
Speaker 8 (12:23):
Can we also notice the theme in all of this
that we've turned the focus to the girls.
Speaker 5 (12:31):
There's always concerned for me that it can suggest that
someone had it coming to them or they should. That's
a type of person that we shouldn't respect as much
as someone fully clothed, right. I think we have to
address that that it shouldn't change how we relate to
the respect and decency and care that that person is owed.
Speaker 4 (12:52):
I want to say ouch in today's day and age,
I love this show. I don't know if Tammy really
thought through her comments or whether or not the fact
that they are upfront about everything. Yes, she does let
it all out.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
So I want to I want to come to Tammy's
defense for just a moment, and I want to do
it very carefully and delicately. Tammy's not alone in holding
and saying beliefs along these lines, and I really want to.
Speaker 4 (13:25):
Well, it might not be short shorts. Maybe it's tattoos,
maybe it's multiple earrings. Like most people have a value
system that they're working from, that's exactly Garvin's, the choices
that they make.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
And the judgments that they make of other people. Yes,
and so let's let's just highlight a couple of things
that matter. Your values. You have every right to defend them.
You have every right to share them as Tammy did,
and live them and to live them and to have
healthy and appropriate expectations around that. Now, one of the
(14:00):
main reasons that people get upset about these kinds of comments,
and we saw it with this as well.
Speaker 8 (14:05):
A twelve year old in a g stree on a
beach makes it very difficult for my husband to walk
down comfortably.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
One of the issues that we have with these kinds
of scenarios is that if something harmful happens to somebody,
usually a female, then we step into a victim blaming scenario.
So I just want to step away from the harm situation.
And I mean, who knows, maybe I'm going to throw
myself into the hot water with everybody else. But this
(14:31):
conversation comes up all the time, like what's appropriate to
wear when you're at the water park with the kids. Okay,
so you're in the kiddies area. You're not at a
water park for adults. You're in a kid's water park.
What's appropriate to wear and what's not? Or what's appropriate
to wear at the beach and what's not? What are
our public decency standards? And every now and again, a
middle aged man or a boomer bloke, we'll say, I
(14:52):
don't feel like I'm comfortable walking down the beach because
all I can see is backsides and boobs everywhere. And
what that person's really expressed is I have certain values
and expectations around what people will wear in public, and
this is inconsistent with my values. They say it clumsily,
they say it in a way that throws shade and
(15:15):
a whole lot more at the people who they are
disapproving of, and it does turn into a massive culture war.
Here's my take on this. You can wear whatever you want,
but we don't live in a perfect world. And because
people do have different values in different standards, there are
going to be some people who will say things that
you might consider to be inconsiderate and they think are
(15:36):
completely justified and appropriate.
Speaker 4 (15:39):
You don't get to choose other people's responses to our
actions or to how we choose to live our lives.
We don't actually get a choice in.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Terms of their values. Now, here's what I will say,
and this is where it gets into the harm that's done.
What you're wearing and where you are and what you're
doing has no impact whatsoever on whether or not somebody
is going to choose to do the wrong thing. That is,
people who commit assaults, people who do the wrong thing,
the blame is on them. So if you are wearing
(16:13):
next to nothing, or if you are wearing full winter
gear and trench coats, unfortunately, there are bad actors in
this world who will stare at you and who will
even assault you. And by the same token, when you
and I were talking about this earlier, you made a
really important point that's worth highlighting.
Speaker 4 (16:32):
There are plenty of men out there who get themselves
in a position where both of you are naked and
you want to go further and the woman says no,
like in that instance.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
And there are plenty of guys will say okay, a.
Speaker 4 (16:44):
Respectful man who says, okay, this is really hard.
Speaker 1 (16:47):
But okay, yeah, yeah, the break has been applied. You're
not cool with where we are, we're going to sit.
Speaker 4 (16:53):
It has nothing to do with what you're wearing and
everything to do with that person's heart and the condition
of it.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
So this is the consent conversation, and I think we
need to disentangle the consent conversation from what Tammy has
said when it comes to the clothes that you wear.
I think that it's appropriate to teach our children to
be considerate of the context, and in certain contexts, some
clothing is far more acceptable, or perhaps a little less
(17:20):
acceptable than in other contexts. Now, if you want to
go and not worry about being considerate about what others think,
and you just want to do you you want to
wear what you want to wear, then that is that's
totally your call.
Speaker 4 (17:32):
But you also can't be surprised that you're going to
ruffle feathers along the way.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
My point exactly, is it right? I'm not going to
get involved in that. People have their values, people have
their standards. We live in a world that is not perfect.
Speaker 4 (17:43):
It's not utopia.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
Yeah, thank you every much, so is Mark?
Speaker 4 (17:47):
Sorry?
Speaker 1 (17:47):
Was Tammy right to say what she said? Well, well,
these are her values and she has every right to them,
and there are many many people who will agree with her,
and I think that she should be supported for that,
And if that's the way that she feels, then more
power to her. And if Nathan and Joanne would really
prefer that Nathan isn't exposed to butts and boobs as
(18:08):
he walks along the Esplanharde, then they have every right
to feel that way. But if somebody walks past, I
don't think that it's appropriate that they start passing judgment,
making noises and telling people to cover up, which they're not,
by the way, just in their defense, they're not doing that.
Speaker 4 (18:23):
I think ultimately, each of us have our own set
of standards, our own set of values that we want
to live our lives. But we can't expect that other
people are going to uphold those standards in values. That's
our responsibility because they're ours. We own them, and we
make choices about how we choose to live that. So
(18:45):
if I feel uncomfortable walking down to the beach because
there is so much exposed skin that leaves me feeling uncomfortable,
then I actually have to rethink about whether or not
that's where I want to spend my time.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
I'll find a different beach, right, like, everybody at that
beach dresses like that. But maybe there's a we live
on the Sunshine Coast. There are some beaches where there's
nobody on the beach. You and I could go for
a twenty minute walk and almost see nobody. And then
there are other beaches where you are guaranteed to see
a whole lot of flesh. It's just that's where the
population is and that's where people go and that's what
(19:19):
they wear. So consider the context, but also consider your
own decisions, like there's a level of personal responsibility here.
The take home message from this, really getting back to
consent is don't assault people, right, Like, listen to what
people say. If someone says no, then they mean no.
(19:39):
And there's that corfee that take hover okay, and there's
something the safe sex thing. There's just no oh, there's
like there's so many stories about women who go for
a jog and there and they're assaulted and it's like, no,
the guy isn't the wrong. She should be allowed to
that woman should be allowed to run at five in
the morning or seven at night, and she should be safe.
It's just not a that we have men who don't
(20:01):
get it, or the wolf whistle or the cat call
or whatever. Just guys, stop it. Just I don't know.
I don't know why this is so hard. Stop it.
It's not okay. Be a good person, be a bonus,
add value to the lives of people. Stop just stop
(20:22):
this appalling behavior. I think it was a great episode.
I think it was a great show on Monday night.
We're back on Monday again, seven point thirty nine and nine.
Speaker 6 (20:33):
Now with this next time, four new parents in styles
are having the hard conversations Australia needs to have about
forty inach, pillars and botok is the.
Speaker 4 (20:45):
Norm these days.
Speaker 6 (20:46):
We confront to generations worrying obsession.
Speaker 3 (20:49):
At school needs to be riding on the walls about
mummy's leg.
Speaker 1 (20:53):
This is, for me, an area that requires immediate.
Speaker 6 (20:57):
Intervention and we are parents with the tools to navigate
their way through.
Speaker 3 (21:04):
Guys, I actually think you look pretty good for your age.
Speaker 8 (21:08):
If I want my children to believe that they're perfect,
then I need to reflect that in my behavior.
Speaker 1 (21:14):
Cannot wait for Monday Night. Oh gosh, I love this show.
I love this show so much. The Happy Families podcast
is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce
is our executive producer during the parental guidance weeks, and
we have additional support from Mimhammond's. If you would like
more information and resources to make your family happier, please
(21:36):
visit us at happyfamilies dot com, dot a
Parential Guidance Season three, Episode two on Monday Night, big
conversations around peer pressure and consent and some things were
said that need to be discussed today. Mark and Tammy
are upfront parents. There were some big reactions in the
room to a few things. That's what we're going to
talk about today on the podcast Today and Welcome. This
(00:28):
is the Happy Families podcast reparenting solutions every day, Australia's
most downloaded parenting podcast. We are Justin and Kylie Coulson.
Mark and Tammy are our upfront parents in season three.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Upfront parenting is all about respect underpinning that is, having
realistic expectations.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
They started off so well, we need to talk about
what they started off with. And then the unexpected turn.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
You sent a naked photo online.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
That's weird, them notfy the police.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
The thing at the moment that we're noticing is the
girls shorts have gotten shorter and shorter and shorter. I'm
saying to our boys, don't come home with the girls
with the short shorts. I don't want to be friends
with the mother in law. Do you let somebody take
a naked photo of you?
Speaker 4 (01:25):
No?
Speaker 2 (01:26):
No, you're so all of this can go away. If
you don't allow somebody to take a message of you.
Speaker 4 (01:34):
I know that you want to focus on the nudes.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Well we need to. We can we say that a
different way. That just makes me feel uncomfortable the way
that you said that.
Speaker 4 (01:43):
I'm so sorry, that's not what I mean.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
No, I know. We should also highlight today's conversation, maybe
for mature audiences, if you've got young kids listening. We
are going to be talking about some of these topics
and they are not necessarily for younger years. Okay, just
claiming out of the way, should.
Speaker 4 (01:57):
I say, I know you want to have the converse
around consent and sending news.
Speaker 1 (02:03):
Okay, that's a much better way to say it.
Speaker 4 (02:04):
Thank you, I feel But we have to talk about
Tammy's comment around short shorts and the mother in law.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
Okay, we're going to do that second. Let's talk about
the nude stuff first, and the safe sexting or whether
or not you can send anything via text message and
not have negative ramifications. That's where we need to start.
Speaker 4 (02:25):
So my question for you is how prevalent is this, like,
how many girls are actually sending news?
Speaker 1 (02:32):
Okay, So the short answer is, we don't know there's
a couple of different organizations, both here and OFCAS that
have been doing some research on this. Depending on who
you ask and how you ask it, you get numbers
anywhere between ten percent and like forty seven to fifty
ish percent, which I mean there's an enormous amount of
variation there. It depends on the I'm going to get
(02:53):
technical for a sec, depends on the sampling methodology, who's
answering the questions, why they're answering it, and what the
questions are. So I think the most important thing to
highlight is that it is happening. That is, it is
now considered in many areas a normal part of dating
and social development that kids will at some point, teenagers
(03:18):
will at some point send images of themselves that could
be concerning if they are viewed by somebody other than
the intended recipient, or that could be concerning if the
relationship breaks down, which in a huge majority of cases
it will because they're teenagers and this stuff happens.
Speaker 4 (03:35):
So I find this really curious because growing up, we
obviously didn't grow up with mobile phones, and I remember vividly,
probably being about ten and catching up with the neighborhood
kids and one of the neighborhood boys and I were
downstairs in his garage and he was like, I'll show
(03:56):
you mine if you show me yours. That kind of conversation, right.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
But this is the same thing. It's just on technology.
Speaker 4 (04:02):
Yeah, But what I was about to say is that
is the one and only time that I ever had
that conversation with someone at a time where I would
suggest developmentally curious and appropriate. But it never happened once
in my dating life did anyone ever ask to see
me naked?
Speaker 5 (04:22):
Like?
Speaker 4 (04:23):
How is it become so normalized because it's a digital
image when it would never in the past have been
asked for the majority of us to share such explicit
content in real life.
Speaker 1 (04:39):
Yeah, it's extraordinary. Partly this comes down to the pornification
of our world. So I would say that since the seventies,
but especially since the rise of the Internet. And this
is a really provocative thing to say, but there's quite
a bit of evidence to support this. The pornography industry
is response for a huge amount of the technological advancements
(05:02):
that have occurred in terms of the Internet. In fact,
there is a quote that I'm using in my upcoming
book about raising boys. I can't remember who said it. Now,
I wasn't expecting us to go down this path, but
this person basically said the Internet was made for pornography.
And so when you've got all these kids who are
seeing this stuff and then you take away inhibitions, you've
(05:24):
got this sense that because there's a screen and we're
not in one another's space, people are a lot less
inhibited in terms of what they say. The flirting gets
hotter and hotter. You feel like you're in the privacy
of your bedroom. You feel like it's only you and
that other person, and so it has your word here
is centrally important. It has become normalized. A huge percentage
(05:46):
of kids think that it is appropriate to ask for
solicit nude images from somebody else, and overwhelmingly now girls
do ask for boys to send things through, but not
very often in comparison, Again, a little bit of research.
I don't think that all the data we've got is
trustworthy at all, but the research is pretty clear that
it's the guys who are doing the asking, not the girls.
(06:08):
Girls aren't that interested in guys junk guys.
Speaker 4 (06:11):
I was about to say that pretty.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Fascinating, pretty fascinated by what's going on with girls and boys.
I have always been seen as the accelerator rather than
the break. That's the way it's always been from a
sexual point of view.
Speaker 4 (06:24):
So I guess, if we wanted to get really practical
for a minute, what's the communication look like leading up
to a photo like this being shared.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
This is a really hard thing to talk about, and
I'm really disappointed by it. So I've spoken to some
girls and some guys who admitted the same that sometimes
their first interaction online will be, hey, will you send
me a photo? Like there's this instant push, there's almost
like an expectation, and if you won't, then I'm not
interested in you. I did speak to one teenage girl
a number of years ago when I was writing my
(06:55):
book about raising teen girls. She said that she was
with some friends in the mall or in the shops,
or whatever you want to call it, and another group
of friends came over. There was one person in each
group that knew each other, but all of a sudden,
you've gone from four or five kids to about ten
or twelve kids who were all suddenly getting to know
each other. This girl swapped Instagram details with one of
(07:16):
the guys who was chatty and seemed like a nice guy.
And then she got a text message from dad, Hey,
I'm here at the shop, so I'm ready to pick
you up. Let's go. By the time she'd gotten in
the car, she got a ping from this guy on Instagram,
and literally the first thing he wanted to know was
will you send me a hot pick? Like they'd known
each other for about ten minutes, talked for about three minutes,
(07:36):
and he was soliciting. So is that normal? I don't
think so. I actually don't think so. But it is
an example of what can happen in many situations in
terms of the general communication leading up to a photo
like this being shared. If it's part of a positive relationship,
that is, a couple are in a consenting, happy, no
peer pressure kind of relationship, then they start to flirt
(07:58):
with each other and over hopefully in extended period of time,
this becomes part of their dating and courtship behavior. I'm
really concerned about it. I don't think it's safe behavior
at all. I would, well, we do actively completely in
every way discourage our children from I just think that
it's crazy. I think it's crazy behavior that you would
send an image like that to somebody that you're not
(08:19):
in a guaranteed, safe, committed relationship too, But we can
talk about that more. But what also happens, and too
many girls have told me stories like this, is that
they'll get a seemingly safe conversation starter with somebody that
they know, somebody that they think they trust, and over
a period of five minutes, ten minutes, fifty minutes, two
and a half hours, the conversation will become increasingly sexually focused,
(08:43):
and then he'll start to listen and say, hey, what
are you wearing, what's underneath it? What can you send me?
That kind of stuff. These conversations are happening way more,
way more than parents want to believe. And if we
are not having conversations about consent and about peer pressure,
especially across gender peer pressure or between gender peer pressure,
(09:04):
then our children, especially especially our daughters, could be at risk.
Speaker 4 (09:09):
You had that conversation with Dan on this episode about
this whole thing, and you asked him this question.
Speaker 6 (09:16):
Our kids are feeling the peer pressure to sext, Dan.
Speaker 4 (09:19):
What is it with sexting?
Speaker 5 (09:21):
This has just become normalized. It's quite extraordinary how many
young people are aware of sexting in nudes and again
late primary into year seven, like this is when this
is rife and starts happening a lot. Boys know there's
more pressure on girls to share nudes, and there's more
shame when they do.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
Is there such a thing as safe sexting?
Speaker 5 (09:42):
In your opinion, I don't believe there is. I think
we do have to hold the line on that for
the safety of everybody.
Speaker 4 (09:52):
Do you agree with Dan on this any other thing?
Speaker 1 (09:54):
Let's play back what Courtney said.
Speaker 7 (09:56):
I would never blame a girl for having her photo shit.
I have had a naked photo of me leaked before.
I've had been in that circumstance before I thought I
could trust someone. I have told our boys a lot
about my past, including that event. I have told them
(10:18):
how I feel and why you shouldn't be doing that
to women.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
So here we have a situation where we've got a
mum on the show who's saying I shared some images
with somebody in a trusting relationship and those images got
out that person was not trustworthy and what a steep
price to pay? What a really steep price to pay. So,
in answer to your question, I just think this is
a really really I don't think there's such a thing
(10:44):
as safe sexting. Dan Prince Pay is absolutely right here.
When you send an image, you lose control of what
happens to that image, full stop, end of story. Once
it's on somebody else's device, it could be hacked, it
could be shared, it could be shown to somebody else,
it could be screenshotted. There is no such thing as
(11:05):
safe sexting. And I really believe that conversation needs to
happen with our kids. We're going to be back after
break to talk about that second big issue courtesy of Tammy.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Don't come home with the girls with the short shots?
Speaker 1 (11:25):
Okay, Kylie, there was a really big bomb that was dropped,
I guess by our upfront parents, Mark and Tammy. Tammy
said something about short shorts that got everybody hot on
the collar.
Speaker 3 (11:39):
What was the short shorts thing?
Speaker 4 (11:42):
What was that?
Speaker 2 (11:43):
There we go, I'm not judging the girl with the
short shorts. I'm judging the girl's mum.
Speaker 3 (11:49):
You were very judgmental there, and because you have all
boys as well.
Speaker 8 (11:54):
I think girls should be able to wear whatever they want.
Speaker 4 (11:56):
I really do.
Speaker 8 (11:56):
But I do think that there's an age as well
where it's appropriate. A twelve year old in a g
string on a beach makes it very difficult for my
husband to walk down comfortably.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
So women need to dress appropriately so that Nathan feels comfortable.
Speaker 8 (12:12):
Like, how do you feel about that?
Speaker 3 (12:14):
I'm not really thinking is my husband looking at that?
I just don't think that we should be putting down women?
Speaker 8 (12:23):
Can we also notice the theme in all of this
that we've turned the focus to the girls.
Speaker 5 (12:31):
There's always concerned for me that it can suggest that
someone had it coming to them or they should. That's
a type of person that we shouldn't respect as much
as someone fully clothed, right. I think we have to
address that that it shouldn't change how we relate to
the respect and decency and care that that person is owed.
Speaker 4 (12:52):
I want to say ouch in today's day and age,
I love this show. I don't know if Tammy really
thought through her comments or whether or not the fact
that they are upfront about everything. Yes, she does let
it all out.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
So I want to I want to come to Tammy's
defense for just a moment, and I want to do
it very carefully and delicately. Tammy's not alone in holding
and saying beliefs along these lines, and I really want to.
Speaker 4 (13:25):
Well, it might not be short shorts. Maybe it's tattoos,
maybe it's multiple earrings. Like most people have a value
system that they're working from, that's exactly Garvin's, the choices
that they make.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
And the judgments that they make of other people. Yes,
and so let's let's just highlight a couple of things
that matter. Your values. You have every right to defend them.
You have every right to share them as Tammy did,
and live them and to live them and to have
healthy and appropriate expectations around that. Now, one of the
(14:00):
main reasons that people get upset about these kinds of comments,
and we saw it with this as well.
Speaker 8 (14:05):
A twelve year old in a g stree on a
beach makes it very difficult for my husband to walk
down comfortably.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
One of the issues that we have with these kinds
of scenarios is that if something harmful happens to somebody,
usually a female, then we step into a victim blaming scenario.
So I just want to step away from the harm situation.
And I mean, who knows, maybe I'm going to throw
myself into the hot water with everybody else. But this
(14:31):
conversation comes up all the time, like what's appropriate to
wear when you're at the water park with the kids. Okay,
so you're in the kiddies area. You're not at a
water park for adults. You're in a kid's water park.
What's appropriate to wear and what's not? Or what's appropriate
to wear at the beach and what's not? What are
our public decency standards? And every now and again, a
middle aged man or a boomer bloke, we'll say, I
(14:52):
don't feel like I'm comfortable walking down the beach because
all I can see is backsides and boobs everywhere. And
what that person's really expressed is I have certain values
and expectations around what people will wear in public, and
this is inconsistent with my values. They say it clumsily,
they say it in a way that throws shade and
(15:15):
a whole lot more at the people who they are
disapproving of, and it does turn into a massive culture war.
Here's my take on this. You can wear whatever you want,
but we don't live in a perfect world. And because
people do have different values in different standards, there are
going to be some people who will say things that
you might consider to be inconsiderate and they think are
(15:36):
completely justified and appropriate.
Speaker 4 (15:39):
You don't get to choose other people's responses to our
actions or to how we choose to live our lives.
We don't actually get a choice in.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Terms of their values. Now, here's what I will say,
and this is where it gets into the harm that's done.
What you're wearing and where you are and what you're
doing has no impact whatsoever on whether or not somebody
is going to choose to do the wrong thing. That is,
people who commit assaults, people who do the wrong thing,
the blame is on them. So if you are wearing
(16:13):
next to nothing, or if you are wearing full winter
gear and trench coats, unfortunately, there are bad actors in
this world who will stare at you and who will
even assault you. And by the same token, when you
and I were talking about this earlier, you made a
really important point that's worth highlighting.
Speaker 4 (16:32):
There are plenty of men out there who get themselves
in a position where both of you are naked and
you want to go further and the woman says no,
like in that instance.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
And there are plenty of guys will say okay, a.
Speaker 4 (16:44):
Respectful man who says, okay, this is really hard.
Speaker 1 (16:47):
But okay, yeah, yeah, the break has been applied. You're
not cool with where we are, we're going to sit.
Speaker 4 (16:53):
It has nothing to do with what you're wearing and
everything to do with that person's heart and the condition
of it.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
So this is the consent conversation, and I think we
need to disentangle the consent conversation from what Tammy has
said when it comes to the clothes that you wear.
I think that it's appropriate to teach our children to
be considerate of the context, and in certain contexts, some
clothing is far more acceptable, or perhaps a little less
(17:20):
acceptable than in other contexts. Now, if you want to
go and not worry about being considerate about what others think,
and you just want to do you you want to
wear what you want to wear, then that is that's
totally your call.
Speaker 4 (17:32):
But you also can't be surprised that you're going to
ruffle feathers along the way.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
My point exactly, is it right? I'm not going to
get involved in that. People have their values, people have
their standards. We live in a world that is not perfect.
Speaker 4 (17:43):
It's not utopia.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
Yeah, thank you every much, so is Mark?
Speaker 4 (17:47):
Sorry?
Speaker 1 (17:47):
Was Tammy right to say what she said? Well, well,
these are her values and she has every right to them,
and there are many many people who will agree with her,
and I think that she should be supported for that,
And if that's the way that she feels, then more
power to her. And if Nathan and Joanne would really
prefer that Nathan isn't exposed to butts and boobs as
(18:08):
he walks along the Esplanharde, then they have every right
to feel that way. But if somebody walks past, I
don't think that it's appropriate that they start passing judgment,
making noises and telling people to cover up, which they're not,
by the way, just in their defense, they're not doing that.
Speaker 4 (18:23):
I think ultimately, each of us have our own set
of standards, our own set of values that we want
to live our lives. But we can't expect that other
people are going to uphold those standards in values. That's
our responsibility because they're ours. We own them, and we
make choices about how we choose to live that. So
(18:45):
if I feel uncomfortable walking down to the beach because
there is so much exposed skin that leaves me feeling uncomfortable,
then I actually have to rethink about whether or not
that's where I want to spend my time.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
I'll find a different beach, right, like, everybody at that
beach dresses like that. But maybe there's a we live
on the Sunshine Coast. There are some beaches where there's
nobody on the beach. You and I could go for
a twenty minute walk and almost see nobody. And then
there are other beaches where you are guaranteed to see
a whole lot of flesh. It's just that's where the
population is and that's where people go and that's what
(19:19):
they wear. So consider the context, but also consider your
own decisions, like there's a level of personal responsibility here.
The take home message from this, really getting back to
consent is don't assault people, right, Like, listen to what
people say. If someone says no, then they mean no.
(19:39):
And there's that corfee that take hover okay, and there's
something the safe sex thing. There's just no oh, there's
like there's so many stories about women who go for
a jog and there and they're assaulted and it's like, no,
the guy isn't the wrong. She should be allowed to
that woman should be allowed to run at five in
the morning or seven at night, and she should be safe.
It's just not a that we have men who don't
(20:01):
get it, or the wolf whistle or the cat call
or whatever. Just guys, stop it. Just I don't know.
I don't know why this is so hard. Stop it.
It's not okay. Be a good person, be a bonus,
add value to the lives of people. Stop just stop
(20:22):
this appalling behavior. I think it was a great episode.
I think it was a great show on Monday night.
We're back on Monday again, seven point thirty nine and nine.
Speaker 6 (20:33):
Now with this next time, four new parents in styles
are having the hard conversations Australia needs to have about
forty inach, pillars and botok is the.
Speaker 4 (20:45):
Norm these days.
Speaker 6 (20:46):
We confront to generations worrying obsession.
Speaker 3 (20:49):
At school needs to be riding on the walls about
mummy's leg.
Speaker 1 (20:53):
This is, for me, an area that requires immediate.
Speaker 6 (20:57):
Intervention and we are parents with the tools to navigate
their way through.
Speaker 3 (21:04):
Guys, I actually think you look pretty good for your age.
Speaker 8 (21:08):
If I want my children to believe that they're perfect,
then I need to reflect that in my behavior.
Speaker 1 (21:14):
Cannot wait for Monday Night. Oh gosh, I love this show.
I love this show so much. The Happy Families podcast
is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce
is our executive producer during the parental guidance weeks, and
we have additional support from Mimhammond's. If you would like
more information and resources to make your family happier, please
(21:36):
visit us at happyfamilies dot com, dot a
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