June 2, 2024 • 13 mins
Dr Justin’s 3 E’s (explore, explain, and empower) are the pillars of autonomy-supportive parenting. But there are times when they just do not work (we are all only flawed humans after all!). Today's tips will help you calmly and confidently navigate through the heat of these challenging moments.
In this episode:
- The 3 Es of Effective Discipline: Explore, Explain, and Empower
- Self-determination theory
- Basic psychological needs of every human
- Relatedness, competence, autonomy
- Need-supportive parenting
- High emotions = low intelligence
- Being ok with our children's discomfort
- Patience and practice
- Fast is slow, and slow is fast
- Neurodiversity
- Turn towards your child in challenging times
Related links:
- The Parenting Revolution, by Dr Justin Coulson
- The Secret to Regulating Emotions
- How to Fix a Problem Child
- Little People, Big Feelings [The Free Webinar]
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
It's the Happy Families podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
It's the podcast for.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
The time poor parent who just wants answers.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Now. Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson. Welcome to the
Happy Families Podcast. We're so glad to have you here.
I'm here with Kylie, my wife and mom to our
six daughters. Kylie. Normally, on a Monday, we don't do this,
but we received an email to podcasts at happyfamilies dot
com dot you. We prefer voice messages from happy families
dot com dot you on the podcast's link. You just
(00:32):
press the button and talk to us. That's what we prefer.
But this was such a good question that even though
it came y ourn email, we decided we were going
to answer it today. Anyway, tomorrow normal questions as per usual,
but today a question from somebody who is really struggling,
and I thought it would be good to have you
involved in the conversation as well. Why don't you.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
Listen because I actually thought you had written this question.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
No, no, no, this comes from someone called Krinne. It
was Karinn who asked the question, not me.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Kaarem said, we're currently facing difficulties with our ten year
old daughter.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
Now I know why you thought that I wrote that.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
She's exhibiting a strong sense of stubbornness, particularly when it
comes to setting boundaries. Instead of engaging in discussions about
why we've established certain limits, she reacts with screaming an
outright refusal to listen. Even when we attempt to discuss
the matter calmly, she becomes defensive and refuses to communicate.
We're open to hearing her perspective and providing her with autonomy,
(01:30):
but she seems unwilling to engage in dialogue. Despite our
efforts to address the issue at a more suitable time,
she persists in avoiding the conversation altogether. She often responds
with I just want to be left alone. We're trying
to build connection to enable these conversations, but she just
doesn't want to connect. We're seeking guidance on how to
(01:51):
effectively communicate with her and navigate these challenging moments.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
Okay, so what do you do when the three e's
don't work? Kylie? For those who are not familiar with
the three is of effective discipline, this is a model
that I developed about ten years ago now, maybe more
based on the work that's been done in self determination theory.
Where we're trying to support children's basic psychological needs. And
(02:15):
the way we do that, of course, is by having
them to feel like there is a positive relationship between
the two of us, says connection, by helping them to
identify how they can be competent, by giving them a
reasonable structure for how to move forward, and by supporting
their autonomy, that is, by giving them the opportunity to
develop solutions that are in harmony with their values. And
(02:36):
this is the critical thing. A lot of people think
that autonomy means giving the kids free rein but autonomy
means that I'm acting volitionally. I know what I value,
I know what's important. I'm acting in that direction. We've
got kids who from time to time have made it
very clear that they don't want to engage in a
three ease conversation. They don't want us to explore their
(02:59):
world explain. We expect and empower them to find solutions.
That's what the THREEE model is because it supports those
basic psychological needs before we dive into any of the
answers that I've started to put together for this podcast,
what's your typical response when the kids don't want to
dive into a three e's conversation with us.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
Over the years, I have discovered that time is a
really important friend. With these conversations, Allowing our kids the
space that they need to kind of just have some
time away is important, but it's also important for me
as well. I get really really caught up in wanting
(03:41):
to fix things in the moment without recognizing that sometimes
things don't get fixed in the moment.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Right and the whole thing there. Really, this is pretty
much where I was going to go anyway, and I'm
so glad that you said it. Fundamentally, the reason that
we need to give enough time and not always fix
things in the here and now right here, We've got
to talk about it, we've got to sort it out.
We need to know where we're going from this point on.
The reason is that equation that I developed a number
(04:09):
of years ago as well, which is that high emotions
equals low intelligence. That is, the more emotional you are,
the more stupid you are. And that's what happens with
our kids, and it happens with us. The more emotional
we get, the less able we are to have a
reasonable conversation and find solutions. And ultimately, what we're trying
to do is that's what discipline is, right. Discipline ultimately
is helping the kids to find appropriate solutions so that
(04:30):
we don't keep on having these these challenges and these difficulties.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
So I guess, as an add on to that, the
acknowledgment is that sometimes time is a few minutes, sometimes
it's a few hours, sometimes it's a few days, and
sometimes it's a few weeks.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Yeah, you've kind of skipped to the very bottom of
Oh yeah, like of all the things that I've got,
So here's my wrap up, let's go straight to the
end and then we'll sort of fill in the middle.
I'm sorry, I mean the three things that I was
going to say at number one. You don't have to
do the three e's all the time. Like sometimes it's
okay to step in his parents say, I'd love to
explore and explain it in the power, but this is
(05:07):
just what we need to do. And as the parent,
I'm going to be the prefrontal cortex and I'm just
going to make this stuff happen. Okay, we don't want
to do that very often, but from time to time,
as a parent, you just do have to be the mean,
cranky parent that gets stuff done.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
But I don't even think it's about being mean and
kind of being forceful in the conversation.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
I use the wrong words. It's really about holding a boundary.
Sometimes as a parent, you just have to say, I
know you're sad, I know you don't want to do this,
but this needs to be done.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
Some conversations are just hard, right They're hard. They're hard
as an adult, let alone being a child. And the
acknowledgment for me as a mum is I know you
don't want to have this conversation, but when we're part
of a family, sometimes we have to do these hard things.
And I love how our family feels when we do X,
Y and Z, But right now it doesn't feel great.
(05:53):
Can you think about why it doesn't feel great and
how we might work together to make it feel great again?
Speaker 2 (05:58):
And again. If you've got really high emotion, that's probably
not going to work well because the kids are not
going to play the game, they're not going to get
involved in it. But so long as emotions are lower,
you can definitely do that. I guess my point really though,
is you don't have to always do three is if
you did, you would be exhausted, and so saying the
second point, though, is you can do the threes in
(06:19):
thirty seconds. It doesn't have to be a long drawn
out session. So so long as emotions are cool, you
can say, all right, I know that you don't want
to clean up the house. I know that it just
feels like it's so burdensome. Is there anything else? Like,
is there any other reason that you just don't want
to be participating in helping right now? And listen, But
because I want to play games? Okay, I get it.
Everyone wants to play games. That's fair enough. We need
(06:41):
to work together. Now you've gone from explore to explain
we need to work together. What do you think we
can do to make this happen in a way that
we can all feel good about it, Like you can
get that done in thirty seconds, in twenty seconds. It
just takes practice. And this is the big thing with
the three e'es or any other parenting model. Everything takes
practice compared to yelling, time out, smacking and doing the
old old school style of parenting.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Yeah. So with our ten year old, one of the
conversation pieces I have with her is I want you
to be able to do that too. We've just got
to get this done. So how can we work together
to get this done quickly so you can get back
to that.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
And so long as she's not emotional, we get good responses.
If she is emotional, it takes four hours. Yes, And
I think that's the reality, right. You said this already.
But as I said, the very last point that I
was going to make in this podcast, and we're making
it sort of halfway through, is sometimes it will take
weeks or more to get a resolution because emotions can
(07:33):
be really big. And while the process is not flawed,
our practice is, and our brains are, and our emotions are,
and our children are, and we are Therefore. I remember
one of the big blops that we had in our
home without firstborn, when she was only about thirteen or fourteen,
revolved around her dishonesty with technology use, and she lost
(07:53):
her access to devices for a little while until we
were able to resolve the issue. She was so emotional
every time we talked about it, and I would say,
we can't have the conversation when you're emotional. Let's try
again tomorrow, and I reckon it took three months. Maybe
it wasn't that long, maybe it was six weeks, but whatever,
it was. It took a long time before she was
finally able to regulate her emotions enough to have a
(08:14):
conversation sensibly where we could come up with a solution
that we could feel good about. I think this is
the critical thing, Like, our kids need time to digest it.
They need time to work out what they value, especially
especially if you're dealing with neurodivergent kids, right like if
neudiversity is in your home, the new concepts and new
ideas can take a long time to digest. There's a
(08:35):
lot of rigidity, there's a lot of certainty, there's a
lot of my way or no way going black and white, absolutely,
and so we've just got to be willing to sit
in that uncomfortable space and wait for the kids to
work through this, to figure this stuff out.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
There are a couple of other things you did want
to talk about, but I stole you under and we're
kind of started from the end to the beginning again,
so let's have a chat about them. I think one
of the most important things that I have learned with
our ten year old specifically, is information overload. I have
conversations with her and I think it's really clear, and
you know, pretty concise the things that I want her
(09:13):
to understand, and she has gotten so good at articulating,
and she will say in those moments, Mum, you're talking
too much. Like literally, those are her words, Mum, you're
talking too much. I can't I can't take it all in.
And at that point she's pretty she's pretty intense overloaded.
But I really appreciate that she's able to say it,
because when she says it, I go, oh, take a
(09:34):
step back. Okay, let's let's let's go back to the beginning,
or let's just leave things for a little while. You
need some time to regulate. I need some time to
give you a hug, whatever it takes, so that we
don't have that emotional overload.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
So the short version of what you just said is
be really clear in your own mind about what you
want to communicate, and then get in and out as
fast as you can felt like it to be is more,
don't give too much information. A couple of other things,
be okay with your kids being uncomfortable, and be okay
with being a bit uncomfortable yourself. Sometimes as a parent,
(10:09):
you just do have to hold back ground until your
child gets the point. Kids need limits, boundaries, structure, framework
systems to follow so that they can feel confident and safe,
and if they're pushing against that, it's normal, that's what
they do. Be okay with their discomfort. You don't have
to fix their emotions early in our relationship. I'm not
too early. Sort of a dozen years ago or something.
(10:30):
I remember saying to you, I'm not going to be
upset just because you are, and that I could have
said it nicer. I didn't say it the best way possible.
I kind of blew it that way. But what I
was essentially saying is I'm not responsible for whether you
feel lousy or not, because I wasn't in that case.
It's not like I'd done something. You were just having
a blue sort of week. Therefore, I'm not going to
feel bad because you're feeling bad. I'm going to be
supportive and loving and caring and empathic and I want
(10:53):
you to feel good. But if you're having a bad day,
I'm not going to let that ruin mine.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
So I'm going to kind of just twist your words
a little bit there. Because the one thing that I
really felt so important, and it's something that was not
modeled to me as a child, but the acknowledgment that
when our children are in those hard spaces and there
is a misalignment in values as we kind of navigate
(11:17):
this challenge, whatever it happens to be the most important
thing we can do is turn towards our children.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
So I sound like it wasn't very validating.
Speaker 1 (11:26):
Your acknowledgment was I'm not going to let your upset
or your uncomfortability and whatever emotion you're dealing with change
the way I interact with you. And that's exactly what
it was. It was, I'm not going to let your sad,
your whatever, your heaviness infiltrate the way I feel about
me specifically, and therefore it allows me to love you
(11:51):
the way I do all the time.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
You said, that's so much better than me. Yeah, the
whole day was I love you like crazy. I'm so
sorry that you're going through this, and I'm absolutely here,
But once I leave the room, I'm going to go
and get on with my stuff my way, because I
can't be weighed down by it.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
Yeah. And we talk about emotions being contagious, right, and
it's so easy for us to catch our children's emotions
and vice versa. And when our kids are in this
difficult place. How often our knee jerk reaction is to
meet their emotions with more intensity. Yeah, but what they
actually need to know is that no matter what's going on,
(12:27):
no matter how many times we have to sit down
and have this hard conversation, no matter how many times
we sit down, we don't get to the end of
the conversation. I'm going to love you, and I'm going
to keep loving you.
Speaker 2 (12:37):
Yeah, Yeah, love that. Let's wrap this up. I think
it's fairly common with not just oppositional kids, but kids
in general. Their instinct is to go with what they know,
to reject anything that we're saying, especially if it's new information,
and they have to really feel like it is their
choice to get on board with a new idea or not.
So if you're not getting anywhere at all with the
three e's, it's probably because your child is still feeling
(12:58):
coerced or still feeling emotional. So trying to argue the
pros and cons and trying to have a really logically
engagement with them is just not going to work. We
need to make gentle suggestions. We need to listen and
then back away and give them time to suggest these
conversations usually don't have to be fully resolved in the
moment on the spot. We really hope that that's been helpful.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
Corinth.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
Thanks so much for your question. More answers to more
questions tomorrow on the Happy Families podcast, which is produced
by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our
executive producer. If you'd like more and fo about making
your family happy, I visitors at happy families dot com
dot au.
It's the Happy Families podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
It's the podcast for.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
The time poor parent who just wants answers.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Now. Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson. Welcome to the
Happy Families Podcast. We're so glad to have you here.
I'm here with Kylie, my wife and mom to our
six daughters. Kylie. Normally, on a Monday, we don't do this,
but we received an email to podcasts at happyfamilies dot
com dot you. We prefer voice messages from happy families
dot com dot you on the podcast's link. You just
(00:32):
press the button and talk to us. That's what we prefer.
But this was such a good question that even though
it came y ourn email, we decided we were going
to answer it today. Anyway, tomorrow normal questions as per usual,
but today a question from somebody who is really struggling,
and I thought it would be good to have you
involved in the conversation as well. Why don't you.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
Listen because I actually thought you had written this question.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
No, no, no, this comes from someone called Krinne. It
was Karinn who asked the question, not me.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Kaarem said, we're currently facing difficulties with our ten year
old daughter.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
Now I know why you thought that I wrote that.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
She's exhibiting a strong sense of stubbornness, particularly when it
comes to setting boundaries. Instead of engaging in discussions about
why we've established certain limits, she reacts with screaming an
outright refusal to listen. Even when we attempt to discuss
the matter calmly, she becomes defensive and refuses to communicate.
We're open to hearing her perspective and providing her with autonomy,
(01:30):
but she seems unwilling to engage in dialogue. Despite our
efforts to address the issue at a more suitable time,
she persists in avoiding the conversation altogether. She often responds
with I just want to be left alone. We're trying
to build connection to enable these conversations, but she just
doesn't want to connect. We're seeking guidance on how to
(01:51):
effectively communicate with her and navigate these challenging moments.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
Okay, so what do you do when the three e's
don't work? Kylie? For those who are not familiar with
the three is of effective discipline, this is a model
that I developed about ten years ago now, maybe more
based on the work that's been done in self determination theory.
Where we're trying to support children's basic psychological needs. And
(02:15):
the way we do that, of course, is by having
them to feel like there is a positive relationship between
the two of us, says connection, by helping them to
identify how they can be competent, by giving them a
reasonable structure for how to move forward, and by supporting
their autonomy, that is, by giving them the opportunity to
develop solutions that are in harmony with their values. And
(02:36):
this is the critical thing. A lot of people think
that autonomy means giving the kids free rein but autonomy
means that I'm acting volitionally. I know what I value,
I know what's important. I'm acting in that direction. We've
got kids who from time to time have made it
very clear that they don't want to engage in a
three ease conversation. They don't want us to explore their
(02:59):
world explain. We expect and empower them to find solutions.
That's what the THREEE model is because it supports those
basic psychological needs before we dive into any of the
answers that I've started to put together for this podcast,
what's your typical response when the kids don't want to
dive into a three e's conversation with us.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
Over the years, I have discovered that time is a
really important friend. With these conversations, Allowing our kids the
space that they need to kind of just have some
time away is important, but it's also important for me
as well. I get really really caught up in wanting
(03:41):
to fix things in the moment without recognizing that sometimes
things don't get fixed in the moment.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Right and the whole thing there. Really, this is pretty
much where I was going to go anyway, and I'm
so glad that you said it. Fundamentally, the reason that
we need to give enough time and not always fix
things in the here and now right here, We've got
to talk about it, we've got to sort it out.
We need to know where we're going from this point on.
The reason is that equation that I developed a number
(04:09):
of years ago as well, which is that high emotions
equals low intelligence. That is, the more emotional you are,
the more stupid you are. And that's what happens with
our kids, and it happens with us. The more emotional
we get, the less able we are to have a
reasonable conversation and find solutions. And ultimately, what we're trying
to do is that's what discipline is, right. Discipline ultimately
is helping the kids to find appropriate solutions so that
(04:30):
we don't keep on having these these challenges and these difficulties.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
So I guess, as an add on to that, the
acknowledgment is that sometimes time is a few minutes, sometimes
it's a few hours, sometimes it's a few days, and
sometimes it's a few weeks.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Yeah, you've kind of skipped to the very bottom of
Oh yeah, like of all the things that I've got,
So here's my wrap up, let's go straight to the
end and then we'll sort of fill in the middle.
I'm sorry, I mean the three things that I was
going to say at number one. You don't have to
do the three e's all the time. Like sometimes it's
okay to step in his parents say, I'd love to
explore and explain it in the power, but this is
(05:07):
just what we need to do. And as the parent,
I'm going to be the prefrontal cortex and I'm just
going to make this stuff happen. Okay, we don't want
to do that very often, but from time to time,
as a parent, you just do have to be the mean,
cranky parent that gets stuff done.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
But I don't even think it's about being mean and
kind of being forceful in the conversation.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
I use the wrong words. It's really about holding a boundary.
Sometimes as a parent, you just have to say, I
know you're sad, I know you don't want to do this,
but this needs to be done.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
Some conversations are just hard, right They're hard. They're hard
as an adult, let alone being a child. And the
acknowledgment for me as a mum is I know you
don't want to have this conversation, but when we're part
of a family, sometimes we have to do these hard things.
And I love how our family feels when we do X,
Y and Z, But right now it doesn't feel great.
(05:53):
Can you think about why it doesn't feel great and
how we might work together to make it feel great again?
Speaker 2 (05:58):
And again. If you've got really high emotion, that's probably
not going to work well because the kids are not
going to play the game, they're not going to get
involved in it. But so long as emotions are lower,
you can definitely do that. I guess my point really though,
is you don't have to always do three is if
you did, you would be exhausted, and so saying the
second point, though, is you can do the threes in
(06:19):
thirty seconds. It doesn't have to be a long drawn
out session. So so long as emotions are cool, you
can say, all right, I know that you don't want
to clean up the house. I know that it just
feels like it's so burdensome. Is there anything else? Like,
is there any other reason that you just don't want
to be participating in helping right now? And listen, But
because I want to play games? Okay, I get it.
Everyone wants to play games. That's fair enough. We need
(06:41):
to work together. Now you've gone from explore to explain
we need to work together. What do you think we
can do to make this happen in a way that
we can all feel good about it, Like you can
get that done in thirty seconds, in twenty seconds. It
just takes practice. And this is the big thing with
the three e'es or any other parenting model. Everything takes
practice compared to yelling, time out, smacking and doing the
old old school style of parenting.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Yeah. So with our ten year old, one of the
conversation pieces I have with her is I want you
to be able to do that too. We've just got
to get this done. So how can we work together
to get this done quickly so you can get back
to that.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
And so long as she's not emotional, we get good responses.
If she is emotional, it takes four hours. Yes, And
I think that's the reality, right. You said this already.
But as I said, the very last point that I
was going to make in this podcast, and we're making
it sort of halfway through, is sometimes it will take
weeks or more to get a resolution because emotions can
(07:33):
be really big. And while the process is not flawed,
our practice is, and our brains are, and our emotions are,
and our children are, and we are Therefore. I remember
one of the big blops that we had in our
home without firstborn, when she was only about thirteen or fourteen,
revolved around her dishonesty with technology use, and she lost
(07:53):
her access to devices for a little while until we
were able to resolve the issue. She was so emotional
every time we talked about it, and I would say,
we can't have the conversation when you're emotional. Let's try
again tomorrow, and I reckon it took three months. Maybe
it wasn't that long, maybe it was six weeks, but whatever,
it was. It took a long time before she was
finally able to regulate her emotions enough to have a
(08:14):
conversation sensibly where we could come up with a solution
that we could feel good about. I think this is
the critical thing, Like, our kids need time to digest it.
They need time to work out what they value, especially
especially if you're dealing with neurodivergent kids, right like if
neudiversity is in your home, the new concepts and new
ideas can take a long time to digest. There's a
(08:35):
lot of rigidity, there's a lot of certainty, there's a
lot of my way or no way going black and white, absolutely,
and so we've just got to be willing to sit
in that uncomfortable space and wait for the kids to
work through this, to figure this stuff out.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
There are a couple of other things you did want
to talk about, but I stole you under and we're
kind of started from the end to the beginning again,
so let's have a chat about them. I think one
of the most important things that I have learned with
our ten year old specifically, is information overload. I have
conversations with her and I think it's really clear, and
you know, pretty concise the things that I want her
(09:13):
to understand, and she has gotten so good at articulating,
and she will say in those moments, Mum, you're talking
too much. Like literally, those are her words, Mum, you're
talking too much. I can't I can't take it all in.
And at that point she's pretty she's pretty intense overloaded.
But I really appreciate that she's able to say it,
because when she says it, I go, oh, take a
(09:34):
step back. Okay, let's let's let's go back to the beginning,
or let's just leave things for a little while. You
need some time to regulate. I need some time to
give you a hug, whatever it takes, so that we
don't have that emotional overload.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
So the short version of what you just said is
be really clear in your own mind about what you
want to communicate, and then get in and out as
fast as you can felt like it to be is more,
don't give too much information. A couple of other things,
be okay with your kids being uncomfortable, and be okay
with being a bit uncomfortable yourself. Sometimes as a parent,
(10:09):
you just do have to hold back ground until your
child gets the point. Kids need limits, boundaries, structure, framework
systems to follow so that they can feel confident and safe,
and if they're pushing against that, it's normal, that's what
they do. Be okay with their discomfort. You don't have
to fix their emotions early in our relationship. I'm not
too early. Sort of a dozen years ago or something.
(10:30):
I remember saying to you, I'm not going to be
upset just because you are, and that I could have
said it nicer. I didn't say it the best way possible.
I kind of blew it that way. But what I
was essentially saying is I'm not responsible for whether you
feel lousy or not, because I wasn't in that case.
It's not like I'd done something. You were just having
a blue sort of week. Therefore, I'm not going to
feel bad because you're feeling bad. I'm going to be
supportive and loving and caring and empathic and I want
(10:53):
you to feel good. But if you're having a bad day,
I'm not going to let that ruin mine.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
So I'm going to kind of just twist your words
a little bit there. Because the one thing that I
really felt so important, and it's something that was not
modeled to me as a child, but the acknowledgment that
when our children are in those hard spaces and there
is a misalignment in values as we kind of navigate
(11:17):
this challenge, whatever it happens to be the most important
thing we can do is turn towards our children.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
So I sound like it wasn't very validating.
Speaker 1 (11:26):
Your acknowledgment was I'm not going to let your upset
or your uncomfortability and whatever emotion you're dealing with change
the way I interact with you. And that's exactly what
it was. It was, I'm not going to let your sad,
your whatever, your heaviness infiltrate the way I feel about
me specifically, and therefore it allows me to love you
(11:51):
the way I do all the time.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
You said, that's so much better than me. Yeah, the
whole day was I love you like crazy. I'm so
sorry that you're going through this, and I'm absolutely here,
But once I leave the room, I'm going to go
and get on with my stuff my way, because I
can't be weighed down by it.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
Yeah. And we talk about emotions being contagious, right, and
it's so easy for us to catch our children's emotions
and vice versa. And when our kids are in this
difficult place. How often our knee jerk reaction is to
meet their emotions with more intensity. Yeah, but what they
actually need to know is that no matter what's going on,
(12:27):
no matter how many times we have to sit down
and have this hard conversation, no matter how many times
we sit down, we don't get to the end of
the conversation. I'm going to love you, and I'm going
to keep loving you.
Speaker 2 (12:37):
Yeah, Yeah, love that. Let's wrap this up. I think
it's fairly common with not just oppositional kids, but kids
in general. Their instinct is to go with what they know,
to reject anything that we're saying, especially if it's new information,
and they have to really feel like it is their
choice to get on board with a new idea or not.
So if you're not getting anywhere at all with the
three e's, it's probably because your child is still feeling
(12:58):
coerced or still feeling emotional. So trying to argue the
pros and cons and trying to have a really logically
engagement with them is just not going to work. We
need to make gentle suggestions. We need to listen and
then back away and give them time to suggest these
conversations usually don't have to be fully resolved in the
moment on the spot. We really hope that that's been helpful.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
Corinth.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
Thanks so much for your question. More answers to more
questions tomorrow on the Happy Families podcast, which is produced
by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our
executive producer. If you'd like more and fo about making
your family happy, I visitors at happy families dot com
dot au.
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