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May 26, 2025 • 12 mins

What do you do when every interaction with your child feels like a battle? Today we respond to a mum’s heartfelt question about her 11-year-old daughter, who is struggling with screaming, lying, and constant conflict. We explore the psychological needs behind difficult behaviour and share practical, compassionate strategies for rebuilding connection—especially when all you feel like doing is correcting.

KEY POINTS

  • Challenging Behaviour Is Communication: Kids act out when their basic needs—connection, autonomy, and competence—aren’t being met.
  • The Correction Trap: When every interaction becomes about control or discipline, children feel unseen, unheard, and undervalued.
  • Slow Down to Reconnect: Rebuilding the relationship requires presence, patience, and sometimes stepping completely away from “the agenda.”
  • Parental Self-Awareness Matters: Many parents unintentionally undermine connection through well-meaning but misdirected responses.
  • Lifestyle Matters: Sleep, nutrition, movement, screen time, and social connection all have huge impacts on emotional and behavioural wellbeing.
  • The Psychological Load of Puberty: Eleven is a big age—especially for girls. Body changes, identity confusion, and peer pressures amplify emotional volatility.

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE

“If you want to speed it up, you’ve got to slow it down. If you want control, you’ve got to give them voice.”
— Dr Justin Coulson

RESOURCES MENTIONED

ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS

  1. Pause the Correction Cycle: Focus less on behaviour and more on what your child might be trying to communicate.
  2. Rebuild Connection: Prioritise quality time—go for a bike ride, hit the beach, or just be together with no agenda.
  3. Validate & Listen: Show your child you see and hear them, even if you don’t agree with their behaviour.
  4. Assess Lifestyle Factors: Review sleep, nutrition, screen time, physical activity, and relationships.
  5. Reflect on Your Responses: Ask yourself—are your well-intentioned actions unintentionally adding fuel to the fire?
  6. Give Her Voice: Offer choices, listen to her preferences, and include her in problem-solving.
  7. Get Support if Needed: If mental health concerns persist, seek help from professionals.

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Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
At times it feels like your kids are completely out
of control today. What to do when your child is
having tantrums, being disruptive, aggressive, saying no, non cooperative, not
participating and all of those hard things. It's another tricky question.
On the Happy Families podcast, so glad to have you
along real parenting solutions every day. On Australia's most downloaded

(00:26):
parenting podcasts, we are Justin and Kylie Colson. Every Tuesday,
we answer your tricky questions family stuff, behavior stuff, relationships,
well being, screens, discipline. It doesn't matter what it is.
You could literally ask us anything, we'll have a chat
about it on the pod. Or you need to do is
send us a voice note to podcasts at Happy families
dot com. Do you or visit Happy Families dot com

(00:46):
dot you with your tricky question. There's a super simple
system there. We scroll out of the podcast part on page,
click the record button and start talking. Just like Anna
who asked us this.

Speaker 2 (01:00):
I'm having trouble with my daughter. She's eleven, but she's
in full puberty and teenager here. She's constantly upset, lying, screaming,
not listening. Every morning, every day is a battle. I'm

(01:21):
just struggling so much to deal with everything, and I
don't know any more what to do.

Speaker 1 (01:29):
Okay, Kylie, big question. You can hear the sadness in
AND's voice, you can hear the I don't know it's
desperations the right word.

Speaker 3 (01:37):
I think it's just a resolve that this is what
life's become, and she doesn't see it out the exhaustion.

Speaker 1 (01:42):
Yeah, it's just so hard. There could be so many
different things that are promoting and creating these challenges, and so,
in the limit of time that we've gotten, because there's
not a lot of information, let's just summarize what's going on.
Eleven year old girl, lying, screaming, not listening, creating challenges
on the daily every morning. Every day is a battle.

(02:04):
And we've got a mum who's really struggling. So we
don't know if there are big sisters or brothers, little
sisters or brothers. All we know is we've got this
child who's struggling. Don't know if dad's in the picture either.
So there's a handful of things that we need to
talk about. The first is just challenging behavior. Children behave
in challenging ways, usually because they have needs that aren't

(02:26):
being met. And sometimes it's physiological like basic safety needs
and that kind of thing. Other times it's psychological needs.
And on this podcast we talk all the time about
our children's three basic psychological needs. When I hear that
there's an eleven year old experiencing this level of distress,
this level of dysfunction, this level of deviation, those three

(02:47):
d's that indicate that there are definite challenges, I'm worried
here about things like depression and anxiety, although again we've
got limited information, even adhd Odd, it could be any
number of different things if we're looking for a diagnosis.
I'm not the kind of person who rushes for diagnoses,
but these things are indicative of dysfunction where somebody might

(03:08):
step in there. Behaviorally, I'm interested in exploring what's going on,
explaining what the rules are, and then empowering my child
to come up with some ways that we can navigate
these challenging times. So if mornings are tough, I want
to sit down with my child and say we're having
some really tough mornings. What's actually going on for you?
Is it that things are terrible at school and relationships

(03:31):
are horrible, or your child feels incompetent at school, maybe
they're being bullied. All of those kinds of things mean
that morning is going to be horrible, not because there's
a problem at home, but what's happening at home builds
into what the rest of the day has to be,
and they're nervous about the rest of the day.

Speaker 3 (03:47):
There's so much going on for an eleven year old girl,
so much going on change almost I'm starting to just
ramp up, and she can't make sense of it, let
alone makes sense of the world outside her. So she's
got all of this internal turmoil, and clearly there is
some outside turmoil wherever that's coming from. And so our

(04:10):
job as parents is literally about exploring that. And sometimes
because of the lack of connection that exists because of
the challenging behavior, it's really hard to make that initial connection.

Speaker 1 (04:24):
And let's just tap into that word. This is the
key thing that I wanted to get to, and that
is that when you've got a child who is not
responding to you, when you've got a child who is arguing, fighting,
blowing up, your relationship becomes correction and direction and there's
a lack of connection. Definition of connection that I emphasize
over and over and over again, is feeling seen hurd
and valued. And I would guarantee, no matter how much

(04:46):
Anna is trying, I guarantee that from this eleven year
old's perspective, she's just saying, I don't feel seen, hurd
and valued.

Speaker 3 (04:52):
And it's a perspective thing. Mum could be doing so
many amazing things, but her daughter doesn't perceive the that's
being offered.

Speaker 1 (05:01):
And that will usually be because with the very best
of intentions, where as parents are stepping in with control,
we're stepping in with correction and direction, command and control.
There are these two other basic psychological needs, right. It's
not just relatedness, it's also feeling competent. So if I'm
stepping in with command and control, correction and direction, kids
don't feel confident because I'm telling them that they're doing
it wrong, and I'm also stepping in and taking control
and taking their autonomy away, and they don't feel like

(05:22):
they have a voice. I don't feel like they have
any sense of being in the driver's seat of their
own lives.

Speaker 3 (05:27):
But they also don't have a sense that you actually
understand what they're going through.

Speaker 1 (05:30):
Yeah you don't get me, yeah, totally.

Speaker 3 (05:32):
And so before we can even have these conversations. When
we've got a child that's that distressed. Sometimes it's actually
about taking away the agenda, not even having the conversation,
and going and finding some space, some time to just
be together. If there's something that she loves doing, rollerskating
or riding a bike or going to the beach or whatever,

(05:52):
just creating the time and the space to distance yourself
from all the drama that's existing and connect.

Speaker 1 (06:00):
Even hearing you say that, though, something that jumps into
my mind here is just the value of getting away
for the weekend, going camping, getting away from everything. We
don't do a great job of this. We're so busy,
we're so hurried. Love is spelled time to a child,
but what is hurry? Spell? And when we're correcting, directing,

(06:21):
taking away agency, taking away a sense of control in
their lives because we're taking control ourselves because we're so
ticked off because they're upsetting us and nothing's working out.
This is really challenging to hear, but as parents, we've
literally got to do the opposite of what we want
to do in these situations.

Speaker 3 (06:34):
That's right.

Speaker 1 (06:35):
If you want to speed it up, you've got to
slow it down. You want to get into control, You've
got to step back and give them voice. These things
are really really hard. Now after the break, there are
two other things that we've really got to talk about
that could definitely move the needle. Okay, so in love

(06:56):
of year old girl who's having a really big challenge.
My centraal thesis here, my main hypothesis is that basic
psychological needs are being stomped on by well intentioned but frustrated, harried, exhausted,
and over at parents who are unfortunately struggling to help
kids feel connected, help kids feel like they have a
sense of control, and help kids feel like they're competent

(07:16):
at anything.

Speaker 3 (07:17):
And almost certainly struggling to manage their own emotions.

Speaker 1 (07:20):
Aroound me, right, that's it. I mean we sit here
and do this podcasts and we talk about how as
parents we just need to help the kids with ABC
and D, but sometimes we're talking to parents who are
dealing with their own staff, big baggage diagnosis of their
own anxiety depression ADHD, adult challenges, financial issues, all that
sort of stuff, and parents just going I can't do it,

(07:41):
like I don't know how to do it. So that
brings me to the second thing that I wanted to emphasize.
When I hear this and I hear Anna's voice, and
I hear that tiredness, that weariness that I don't know,
I just don't know anymore, that hopelessness in Anna's voice.
What I'm really curious about is what are we doing
as parents? What are we doing as parents that we're

(08:02):
not aware of, or that we're doing with good intentions,
but it's actually undermining the very thing that we're trying
to do. I've just started listening to a pod that
I've heard about a lot of times. There's a guy
called Billy Garvey and he's a pediatric neurodevelopmental psychologist, and
I'm listening to the conversations he's having very much like
the conversations we have. It's almost like we're the same podcast.
But he's got a more medical focus. I've got a

(08:22):
more psychological focus. But as I'm listening to him talk
to his co host Nick, I'm hearing this dad Nick,
Who's saying, Yeah, I did this, and Billy's like, it's wrong,
You're doing it wrong. You've got the best intentions, and
it makes sense, Like logically, it makes sense that you're
doing it, But how's this perceived for your child? And
as I'm listening to Anna and I'm thinking about what's
going on, I can't help. I don't want to shame parents.

(08:45):
I don't want to say you're doing it wrong. But
what I'm actually saying is you're probably doing it wrong,
because most of us are. When our children are having
these kinds of challenges. We're stepping in with the best
of intentions, but we're undermining the things that I need
the most. Thinking that we're fixing it. I'm actually going
to suggest that, not that I'm trying to flog a book.
I make three bucks on a book, right, like the
publisher takes all the money. But get a copy of

(09:06):
my book Misconnection. It will show you how to do
it right. It'll show you how to step into need support,
and I think it'll make a difference. There's one last
thing to wrap up with. Lately, I've been doing a
lot of listening, a lot of reading, a lot of
learning around how so much of the psychological drama that

(09:28):
we and our children experience in our lives has to
do with nothing psychological at all. It has to do
with lifestyle factors, like what we're eating, and how much
we're sleeping, how much we're moving our body, what our
friendships are like, and how much nature we're getting.

Speaker 3 (09:44):
And I just wonder she clearly hasn't shared it with us,
but I wonder whether or not her daughter has screens.

Speaker 1 (09:51):
Yeah, yeah, at eleven.

Speaker 3 (09:55):
We've watched it with so many of our friends and
their children. Earlier we introduce hand how devices to our children,
the bigger the detrimental impact it has on them.

Speaker 1 (10:08):
So that's anecdotally. I've actually got the evidence. There's some
research out of a place in the States called the
Sapiens Lab, and they've gone to a great, big cohort
of eighteen to twenty four year olds. They've done a
well being test, mental health quotient, and there's just us
one question in there about screens. How old were you
when you were first given your very own first handheld device?

(10:29):
And they found that there's this remarkably strong correlation, especially
for girls. The younger she gets given that device, the
greater the mental health challenges she experiences in her early twenties.
So when you're dealing with an with an eleven year
old who's moving from a play based childhood to a
screen based childhood. To use Jonathan Hat's words, her relationships
are changing, she's not getting as much physical activity, her

(10:52):
body's changed, her body is changing, She's probably not getting
as much high qualities sleep because of the screens as well.
I'm not saying that it's a screen thing. I'm saying
this could be part of it. All those other factors
are linked to screens. They also apply even if screens
aren't the issue. So let me save them again. Quality
of relationships at home and at school, fiscal activity, sleep, nutrition.

(11:14):
The more food she eats that comes out of a packet,
the worse it's going to be for her brain, inflammation
in her body, and her psychology. So these are the
things that I'd be looking at, and if we had
more info, we could be more precise. This is pretty general,
but hopefully this gives you and any other parent whose
children are just driving them bonkers right now, a handful
of things to play with. I love tricky questions, Thanks

(11:36):
so much for asking. If you've got a tricky question,
please send us an email. Podcasts at happy families dot
com you with a voice note, and we'll do our
best to answer your tricky questions. You can literally ask
us anything, or we would love for you to visit
our website. We've got this really simple to use solution online,
Happy families dot com dot You just scroll down to podcasts,
click the record button and start talking. Tell us your

(11:58):
big challenge. Families podcast is produced by Justin Rowland from
Bridge Media. If you'd like more information and resources to
make your family happier, you'll find them at happy families
dot com dot A you
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