July 28, 2025 • 16 mins
You send out party invitations and… crickets. Or worse — a wall of “maybe” and no-shows. Are parents today just too busy, too anxious, or too uninterested to connect? Justin and Kylie tackle the growing epidemic of “commitment-phobia” among modern parents and uncover why it’s harder than ever to build the village our kids desperately need. From loneliness to overload to digital distractions, you’ll learn the real reasons parents opt out — and four surprisingly simple ways to bring connection back.
If you’ve ever wondered why it feels like you’re parenting alone — and how to change that — this is the episode you need.
KEY POINTS:
- Why today’s parents avoid social commitments (and it’s not just post-COVID).
- The collapse of “enforced proximity” and accidental connection.
- Why loneliness is now a public health crisis.
- How treating community like a marketplace keeps us isolated.
- The role of emotional overload and overstimulation.
- 4 actionable ways to rebuild your village — one parent at a time.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:
"Other people matter. The community you’re craving already exists — it’s just hiding behind the same fears and overwhelm you’re feeling."
RESOURCES MENTIONED:
- Submit your tricky parenting questions here
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:
- Create low-stakes, frequent opportunities for connection — coffee catch-ups, quick chats at pick-up, or a casual park playdate.
- Focus on contribution: ask “What can I give?” instead of “What’s in it for me?”
- Schedule digital downtime daily — put your phone down and reclaim your mental space.
- Don’t fear rejection. Keep showing up. Start with one parent and build from there.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You send out party invitations and get a wall of
maybe responses, or you get left on red and leave
you wondering if other parents are just too busy, or
too anxious, or they just don't want to connect anymore.
The reality is we've accidentally, I'm going to say accidentally,
I'll give people the benefit of doubt. We've accidentally engineered
genuine community out of our lives and replaced face to
(00:22):
face relationships with digital convenience. And I think we've turned
parenting into a solo performance instead of a shared journey.
Today on the Happy Families Podcast, we're breaking down why
modern parents have become commitment phobic when it comes to socializing,
and these surprisingly simple strategies that we can use to
rebuild the village that our kids so desperately need. Stay
(00:43):
with us, Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast, Real Parenting
Solutions Every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast, we
are Justin and Kylie Coulson, and every Tuesday on the pod,
we answer your tricky questions about family and relationships and
(01:05):
bringing up the kids, getting discipline right, all that kind
of stuff. If you would like to submit a tricky question,
we've got a super simple system at Happyfamilies dot com
dot You just scroll on the podcasts, click the record button,
and start talking. Just like Adele from Adelaide.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
We are often reminded that a sense of community is
important for our children. We hosted a birthday party for
our teenage daughter. We invited a number of parents to join,
and I found that parents were noncommittal in their responses
and the majority did not come. Is this a post
COVID effect? Why do parents not want to socialize with
(01:42):
other parents? Thank you?
Speaker 1 (01:44):
This is such a good question and such It's like
the bugbear of mine because we love people, right. Sometimes
people are pretty annoying, but we love people. And when
you make all this effort, no one shows up, It's like,
what do I keep on trying? Maybe I should just
stare at my Instagram or something like. It's really hard,
isn't it.
Speaker 3 (02:03):
I think that too many of us have fallen into
the trap and myth of thinking that we can do everything.
Once upon a time, we used to come together as
a village, right, a community that helped each other out.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
This is concept called alloparenting al aloparenting, which is basically
another way I know that in your family as you
were being raised, everyone was like another mum, another auntie.
Everyone was It's almost like there's all these people who
were there for you because quite often your mum couldn't be,
and so you had all these other people who were
happy to step in and be that surrogate mum figure.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
And they didn't need to be asked. People just came
to each other's aid.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
Yeah, so the breakdown of so many of our societal
structures is certainly contributing, and so is the digital world.
Speaker 3 (02:56):
I don't think this is a response to COVID.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
I was literally going to go there, Adele. I don't
think that this is a post COVID thing. It might
be a convenient excuse, and I think that it's possible
that we could argue that COVID in some ways accelerated
or amplified. Yeah, what was a growing trend, But this
was happening before COVID, and it's certainly kicked on since then.
I reckon that there are three key reasons that so
(03:19):
many parents are so non committal. Now let's address those.
We'll give you some solutions for what you can do
to address the non commitment. Noncommittalness, the lack of commitment
that too many people are showing.
Speaker 3 (03:33):
Up with what's the first one.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
There's just been a total collapse of what I would
call enforced proximity. And forced proximity sounds kind of rough,
It sounds a little bit harsh, but pre digital, you
had no choice but to interact with people at school, pickup,
at the barbecue, at the shops, at the bus stop,
at church, in the neighborhood. You just interacted with people,
full stop, end of story. You had no say in it.
(03:55):
Now we've gone fully convenience over connection and there's no
friction with face to face communications. We've literally engineered serendipitous
social encounters out of our lives. We don't accidentally connect.
Even when you walk into the school, you barely even
(04:15):
say hello over the receptionist. Now you walk over the
iPad and sign in. Like I said, we've literally engineered
those serendipitous moments out of our lives. We are ultrasocial.
We're meant to walk down the street see another human
and our eyes are supposed to light up, and we're
supposed to nod our head and say hi, good morning,
(04:36):
like that's what we're engineered to do. And we don't
do it anymore. Our cities have become really big, we're
really over stimulated. We've got so much on our mind,
we've got our podcast going in our ears, and we
miss the opportunities to press the flesh.
Speaker 3 (04:49):
What I find so interesting about this is that we're
literally going through life with what I would probably call
a loneliness pen. People are more lonely than they've ever
been there, feel more disconnected, and yet we've actually created
it ourselves.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
I've got some data on that. I wasn't planning on
bringing it up, but as soon as you've raised it.
A couple of weeks ago, the World Health Organization declared
loneliness a public health threat on the same scale, if
not greater, than the issue of smoking or obesity. One
in six people on the planet now feels profoundly alone.
(05:28):
And check this out for a stat The World Health
Organization estimates that it is responsible loneliness, that is, is
responsible for more than one hundred deaths every hour around
the globe. Wow, we're talking about nearly a million deaths
a year because of loneliness. And really the downstream effect
of what I'm describing here, as we've engineered these social encounters,
(05:49):
these accidental, serendipitous, delightful moments where we talk to a
stranger for fifteen seconds just because it's the polite thing
to do. As we've engineered all of those things out
of our lives, we've therefore engineered out of our lives
the opportunity for that serendipitous encounter to turn into a
deeper relationship and ultimately a friendship. And when we failed
(06:12):
to make the friendships that we need, we feel lonely.
Data is really clear on this. Our young people are
the most disconnected people on the planet. So what Adele's
trying to do by getting all of these alo parents
and neighbors and friends into the yard to have this
barbecue and celebrate a teenage girl's birthday, that is what
we're supposed to do. That's how we're designed. That's healthy,
(06:32):
that's important, that's necessary. But people are pushing back so
and part of it is because we've engineered it out
of our lives, and therefore anxiety goes up when we
might have to do it. So that's my first reason
that this is happening.
Speaker 3 (06:44):
What's number two?
Speaker 1 (06:44):
The second one. I'll go through this one pretty quickly.
In the third one as well, because we need to
get solutions. I think that we've forgotten that community is
not about consumption. Community is about contribution and collaboration. Community
is about creation. We create community together. We don't walk
in and get community.
Speaker 3 (07:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
So too many people treat community like an economic marketplace.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
Yeah. And if I walk in and I don't get
anything out of it, then it's not a worthwhile correctivity.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
Yeah, what's in it for me? And I'm going to
sound like my grandpa for a moment, but my granddad
used to always say, you get into something what you sorry.
You get out of something what you put into it. Yeah,
And if you're not willing to put something in, then
you're not going to get anything out of it. And
then you're going to say, well it's rubbish anyway. But
it's like you weren't putting anything into it. We've got
to start asking ourselves what we can do to contribute
rather than what's in it for me? And number three, Yeah,
(07:34):
the third thing that I think is leading to this
non commitment on the part of parents is that parents
just feel like they're in a chronic state of emotional
and cognitive overload, Like we're carrying our stress. We're carrying
our stress about our kids, and we're carrying and absorbing
our kids' stress, and we're feeling depleted. And you know
(07:55):
what I think is even bigger than all of this.
I know we're dealing with cost of living issues and
organs and rents and the fact that apples are like
six dollars a kilo or whatever it is. But I
think that the biggest source of our chronic state of
emotional and cognitive overload is that we don't put our
stupid phones away, and we are so overstimulated. There is
(08:15):
so much noise in our lives. I'm not just talking
about the noise that you hear with your ears. I'm
talking about the noise that makes your brain never switch off.
There's so much of that going on that when somebody says,
would you like to come over for a barbecue on
Saturday afternoon, we go, oh, I couldn't possibly just can't
deal with that. I'm so overstimulated. I can't think clearly
enough to even work out if I want to pull
out my diary and see if I've got anything on
(08:35):
that day or not.
Speaker 3 (08:36):
I remember when the kids were younger, phones weren't as
big a challenge as they are now, and the overload
that I felt at that point in my life made
me feel like any social interaction was a waste of
my time because there was so many other mundane household tasks,
(08:59):
parenting related tasks that required my time and effort and
energy that I couldn't possibly spend time with other parents.
That was before phones became an issue, and now we've
got the added noise of all of that on.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
Top of it, and all the social platforms and so on. Yeah,
it's massive. So after the break, we need to talk
about three I actually I've got four solutions, but we'll
have to do them really fast. Four solutions to help
Adele from Adelaide and any other parent who's going wiser
on so noncommittal to create a sense of relationship and
community for themselves and for their kids. Okay, Kylie, I
(09:40):
have four big solutions that can help to create a
greater sense of relationship, community, and even commitment in the
lives of our children, ourselves, and the people that we
associate with. Let's kick it off. I highlighted the first
issue that I see as driving these challenges is not COVID,
but the collapse of enforced proximity. So I'm just going
to say it simple. We need to have more proximity.
(10:02):
We need to actually force proximity again. And what I
mean by that is we want to have low stakes,
high frequency interactions, low steaks, high frequency, lots and lots
of touch points. So don't wait for the big birthday bash,
don't wait for anything that could imply some level of pressure.
Speaker 3 (10:17):
Well, inviting a stranger who've not had any time with
over for a dinner party feels like a big commitment.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
We did something a couple of months ago, somebody that
I'd met through cycling. I was like, Hey, you should
come over. Let's just have a morning tea. And it
was actually a bit awkward. It was a bit weird.
They showed up. It was just the four of us
sitting in the dining room and having this because you
were there, and he brought his wife as well. It
was really nice. I'm glad we did it, but it
was a bit awkward. It felt like it was three
(10:45):
steps too far, like we just dove in headfirst instead
of waiting in ankuideep, then knee deep, then waist deep.
Just felt a little bit funny. But the lower stakes
more frequent touch points mean that we have more social interaction.
We make the social interaction habitual. Maybe it's coffee catch ups,
maybe it's going for walks, casual gatherings. Do you remember
(11:08):
once upon a time people used to pop in, Like
we used to say, hey, let's go and catch up
with those friends. And we would literally go over to
their house and knock on the door and say hey,
we were just driving by and thought we'd say hi,
like that was normal once upon a time. It's not
normal now anxiety inducing. Oh yeah, big time. Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (11:27):
Number two.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
Yes, So the second thing that I want to highlight
is I mentioned that it's about what we put in
rather than what's in it for me. I think that
a really nice way to do this would be to
set up gatherings so that they're not about the adults,
but instead make it all about the kids, not the parents.
That way, you get to drop the overwhelming self consciousness
and the worry about things. Just have a pizza party,
(11:50):
or go down to the park and watch the kids
run around and play and have a box of Lamington's
or something on the table. Less defensiveness, a whole more
focus on the kids just makes life way easier.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
I'm going to push back on that a little. I
actually think that what parents often want is to not
have to worry about the kids and an opportunity to
do something without the kids, which is what I think
she's actually experiencing. Parents are dropping their children off and
they're thinking, great, I have two hours to myself. She's
talking about a teenage party. But I actually think that
(12:22):
that's what the problem is from my experience, and I
think that parents are going to be more likely to
respond to having an opportunity to catch up with other
adults without children. I also think.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
It depends on the stakes and how will you know
those parents?
Speaker 3 (12:39):
It does, But I also think in this case, I
know in our children's friendship circles that plenty of those
teenagers will have said please do not come to the party,
So you're dealing with that as well, and parents wanting
to not embarrass their kids or overstep their boundaries and
mark and stuff like that. So I think I think
(13:00):
this is actually a little bit complicated.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
Okay, the third and fourth things, I'm going to make
them really quick, really simple. In terms of the other
stimulation and the fact that we just don't have enough
emotional and cognitive bandwidth. I'm just going to suggest we've
got to create it, and the best way to create
it is to turn our phones off or have some
downtime away from our phones. Set a little twenty minute
appointment every day with yourself, put it in the diary
so that you can just breathe. We should do a
(13:22):
podcast about that. I think it's necessary because everyone says
they're so busy, and yet when you look at your
screen time, it's like, well, how did I use three
hours on my screen today? Like, I don't know how
I did that. I think I'm really really busy, but
I've got three hours to look at Instagram, look at
news dot com, and play candy Crash or whatever it is.
Speaker 3 (13:40):
Right, So this is curious to me as well. You're
talking about this idea of downtime. So parents that aren't
showing up to a party are seeing this as downtime, right,
But the very thing that they actually need for downtime
is connection.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
Right.
Speaker 3 (13:54):
We actually need connection, yes, and we push against it
because we think that it's going to take from us,
but it actually gives us.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
So the last thing that I want to highlight, which
builds on what you've just said, My fourth and final
solution for Adele is that success is about facing and
enduring rejection again and again and again. And the more
you're willing to face rejection and endure rejection, the more
likely it is that you'll finally find somebody who is
your people. And once you find them, you discover the
very real truth. To use it to say a little
(14:26):
bit more sucinctly than you, other people matter. Other people matter, Adele.
I think the community you're craving already exists. It's just
that it's hiding behind the same fears and the overwhelm
that you're probably feeling. So remember, start small, show up
really authentically.
Speaker 3 (14:40):
You just start with one parent, Like, don't try and
make it bigger than it needs to be. Just start
with one person.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
Yeah, and your kids need you to do it. They'll
watch you build connection. You go first and keep on
trying because it feels so rewarding when it works. We
really hope this is a useful answer, not just for you, Adele,
but for every parent who's craving a little bit more
connection and trying to get beyond the loneliness and the
lack of community that exists for so many people. If
you'd like to submit a tricky question. We've got a
super simple system at happy families dot com. Do you
(15:08):
just scroll down to podcasts on the website, click the
record button and start talking. Or you can send us
a voice memo to podcasts at happy families dot com
dot Au. Another tricky question Next Tuesday tomorrow on the pod.
I can't wait to share this conversation that I've just
had with one of Australia's leading education consultants, a guy
by the name of Adam Voit. Adam runs an organization
(15:32):
called Real Schools and we talk about all the big
issues that are affecting parents in schools today. It's a
don't miss it kind of episode. I'll see you tomorrow
on the pod. For the Happy Families podcast is produced
by Justin Rulan from Bridge Media. Mimhammonds gives us all
the research had been and other support that we need
and if you'd like more information and resources to make
your family happier, you'll find it at happy families dot Com.
Speaker 2 (15:53):
You
You send out party invitations and get a wall of
maybe responses, or you get left on red and leave
you wondering if other parents are just too busy, or
too anxious, or they just don't want to connect anymore.
The reality is we've accidentally, I'm going to say accidentally,
I'll give people the benefit of doubt. We've accidentally engineered
genuine community out of our lives and replaced face to
(00:22):
face relationships with digital convenience. And I think we've turned
parenting into a solo performance instead of a shared journey.
Today on the Happy Families Podcast, we're breaking down why
modern parents have become commitment phobic when it comes to socializing,
and these surprisingly simple strategies that we can use to
rebuild the village that our kids so desperately need. Stay
(00:43):
with us, Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast, Real Parenting
Solutions Every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast, we
are Justin and Kylie Coulson, and every Tuesday on the pod,
we answer your tricky questions about family and relationships and
(01:05):
bringing up the kids, getting discipline right, all that kind
of stuff. If you would like to submit a tricky question,
we've got a super simple system at Happyfamilies dot com
dot You just scroll on the podcasts, click the record button,
and start talking. Just like Adele from Adelaide.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
We are often reminded that a sense of community is
important for our children. We hosted a birthday party for
our teenage daughter. We invited a number of parents to join,
and I found that parents were noncommittal in their responses
and the majority did not come. Is this a post
COVID effect? Why do parents not want to socialize with
(01:42):
other parents? Thank you?
Speaker 1 (01:44):
This is such a good question and such It's like
the bugbear of mine because we love people, right. Sometimes
people are pretty annoying, but we love people. And when
you make all this effort, no one shows up, It's like,
what do I keep on trying? Maybe I should just
stare at my Instagram or something like. It's really hard,
isn't it.
Speaker 3 (02:03):
I think that too many of us have fallen into
the trap and myth of thinking that we can do everything.
Once upon a time, we used to come together as
a village, right, a community that helped each other out.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
This is concept called alloparenting al aloparenting, which is basically
another way I know that in your family as you
were being raised, everyone was like another mum, another auntie.
Everyone was It's almost like there's all these people who
were there for you because quite often your mum couldn't be,
and so you had all these other people who were
happy to step in and be that surrogate mum figure.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
And they didn't need to be asked. People just came
to each other's aid.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
Yeah, so the breakdown of so many of our societal
structures is certainly contributing, and so is the digital world.
Speaker 3 (02:56):
I don't think this is a response to COVID.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
I was literally going to go there, Adele. I don't
think that this is a post COVID thing. It might
be a convenient excuse, and I think that it's possible
that we could argue that COVID in some ways accelerated
or amplified. Yeah, what was a growing trend, But this
was happening before COVID, and it's certainly kicked on since then.
I reckon that there are three key reasons that so
(03:19):
many parents are so non committal. Now let's address those.
We'll give you some solutions for what you can do
to address the non commitment. Noncommittalness, the lack of commitment
that too many people are showing.
Speaker 3 (03:33):
Up with what's the first one.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
There's just been a total collapse of what I would
call enforced proximity. And forced proximity sounds kind of rough,
It sounds a little bit harsh, but pre digital, you
had no choice but to interact with people at school, pickup,
at the barbecue, at the shops, at the bus stop,
at church, in the neighborhood. You just interacted with people,
full stop, end of story. You had no say in it.
(03:55):
Now we've gone fully convenience over connection and there's no
friction with face to face communications. We've literally engineered serendipitous
social encounters out of our lives. We don't accidentally connect.
Even when you walk into the school, you barely even
(04:15):
say hello over the receptionist. Now you walk over the
iPad and sign in. Like I said, we've literally engineered
those serendipitous moments out of our lives. We are ultrasocial.
We're meant to walk down the street see another human
and our eyes are supposed to light up, and we're
supposed to nod our head and say hi, good morning,
(04:36):
like that's what we're engineered to do. And we don't
do it anymore. Our cities have become really big, we're
really over stimulated. We've got so much on our mind,
we've got our podcast going in our ears, and we
miss the opportunities to press the flesh.
Speaker 3 (04:49):
What I find so interesting about this is that we're
literally going through life with what I would probably call
a loneliness pen. People are more lonely than they've ever
been there, feel more disconnected, and yet we've actually created
it ourselves.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
I've got some data on that. I wasn't planning on
bringing it up, but as soon as you've raised it.
A couple of weeks ago, the World Health Organization declared
loneliness a public health threat on the same scale, if
not greater, than the issue of smoking or obesity. One
in six people on the planet now feels profoundly alone.
(05:28):
And check this out for a stat The World Health
Organization estimates that it is responsible loneliness, that is, is
responsible for more than one hundred deaths every hour around
the globe. Wow, we're talking about nearly a million deaths
a year because of loneliness. And really the downstream effect
of what I'm describing here, as we've engineered these social encounters,
(05:49):
these accidental, serendipitous, delightful moments where we talk to a
stranger for fifteen seconds just because it's the polite thing
to do. As we've engineered all of those things out
of our lives, we've therefore engineered out of our lives
the opportunity for that serendipitous encounter to turn into a
deeper relationship and ultimately a friendship. And when we failed
(06:12):
to make the friendships that we need, we feel lonely.
Data is really clear on this. Our young people are
the most disconnected people on the planet. So what Adele's
trying to do by getting all of these alo parents
and neighbors and friends into the yard to have this
barbecue and celebrate a teenage girl's birthday, that is what
we're supposed to do. That's how we're designed. That's healthy,
(06:32):
that's important, that's necessary. But people are pushing back so
and part of it is because we've engineered it out
of our lives, and therefore anxiety goes up when we
might have to do it. So that's my first reason
that this is happening.
Speaker 3 (06:44):
What's number two?
Speaker 1 (06:44):
The second one. I'll go through this one pretty quickly.
In the third one as well, because we need to
get solutions. I think that we've forgotten that community is
not about consumption. Community is about contribution and collaboration. Community
is about creation. We create community together. We don't walk
in and get community.
Speaker 3 (07:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
So too many people treat community like an economic marketplace.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
Yeah. And if I walk in and I don't get
anything out of it, then it's not a worthwhile correctivity.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
Yeah, what's in it for me? And I'm going to
sound like my grandpa for a moment, but my granddad
used to always say, you get into something what you sorry.
You get out of something what you put into it. Yeah,
And if you're not willing to put something in, then
you're not going to get anything out of it. And
then you're going to say, well it's rubbish anyway. But
it's like you weren't putting anything into it. We've got
to start asking ourselves what we can do to contribute
rather than what's in it for me? And number three, Yeah,
(07:34):
the third thing that I think is leading to this
non commitment on the part of parents is that parents
just feel like they're in a chronic state of emotional
and cognitive overload, Like we're carrying our stress. We're carrying
our stress about our kids, and we're carrying and absorbing
our kids' stress, and we're feeling depleted. And you know
(07:55):
what I think is even bigger than all of this.
I know we're dealing with cost of living issues and
organs and rents and the fact that apples are like
six dollars a kilo or whatever it is. But I
think that the biggest source of our chronic state of
emotional and cognitive overload is that we don't put our
stupid phones away, and we are so overstimulated. There is
(08:15):
so much noise in our lives. I'm not just talking
about the noise that you hear with your ears. I'm
talking about the noise that makes your brain never switch off.
There's so much of that going on that when somebody says,
would you like to come over for a barbecue on
Saturday afternoon, we go, oh, I couldn't possibly just can't
deal with that. I'm so overstimulated. I can't think clearly
enough to even work out if I want to pull
out my diary and see if I've got anything on
(08:35):
that day or not.
Speaker 3 (08:36):
I remember when the kids were younger, phones weren't as
big a challenge as they are now, and the overload
that I felt at that point in my life made
me feel like any social interaction was a waste of
my time because there was so many other mundane household tasks,
(08:59):
parenting related tasks that required my time and effort and
energy that I couldn't possibly spend time with other parents.
That was before phones became an issue, and now we've
got the added noise of all of that on.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
Top of it, and all the social platforms and so on. Yeah,
it's massive. So after the break, we need to talk
about three I actually I've got four solutions, but we'll
have to do them really fast. Four solutions to help
Adele from Adelaide and any other parent who's going wiser
on so noncommittal to create a sense of relationship and
community for themselves and for their kids. Okay, Kylie, I
(09:40):
have four big solutions that can help to create a
greater sense of relationship, community, and even commitment in the
lives of our children, ourselves, and the people that we
associate with. Let's kick it off. I highlighted the first
issue that I see as driving these challenges is not COVID,
but the collapse of enforced proximity. So I'm just going
to say it simple. We need to have more proximity.
(10:02):
We need to actually force proximity again. And what I
mean by that is we want to have low stakes,
high frequency interactions, low steaks, high frequency, lots and lots
of touch points. So don't wait for the big birthday bash,
don't wait for anything that could imply some level of pressure.
Speaker 3 (10:17):
Well, inviting a stranger who've not had any time with
over for a dinner party feels like a big commitment.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
We did something a couple of months ago, somebody that
I'd met through cycling. I was like, Hey, you should
come over. Let's just have a morning tea. And it
was actually a bit awkward. It was a bit weird.
They showed up. It was just the four of us
sitting in the dining room and having this because you
were there, and he brought his wife as well. It
was really nice. I'm glad we did it, but it
was a bit awkward. It felt like it was three
(10:45):
steps too far, like we just dove in headfirst instead
of waiting in ankuideep, then knee deep, then waist deep.
Just felt a little bit funny. But the lower stakes
more frequent touch points mean that we have more social interaction.
We make the social interaction habitual. Maybe it's coffee catch ups,
maybe it's going for walks, casual gatherings. Do you remember
(11:08):
once upon a time people used to pop in, Like
we used to say, hey, let's go and catch up
with those friends. And we would literally go over to
their house and knock on the door and say hey,
we were just driving by and thought we'd say hi,
like that was normal once upon a time. It's not
normal now anxiety inducing. Oh yeah, big time. Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (11:27):
Number two.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
Yes, So the second thing that I want to highlight
is I mentioned that it's about what we put in
rather than what's in it for me. I think that
a really nice way to do this would be to
set up gatherings so that they're not about the adults,
but instead make it all about the kids, not the parents.
That way, you get to drop the overwhelming self consciousness
and the worry about things. Just have a pizza party,
(11:50):
or go down to the park and watch the kids
run around and play and have a box of Lamington's
or something on the table. Less defensiveness, a whole more
focus on the kids just makes life way easier.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
I'm going to push back on that a little. I
actually think that what parents often want is to not
have to worry about the kids and an opportunity to
do something without the kids, which is what I think
she's actually experiencing. Parents are dropping their children off and
they're thinking, great, I have two hours to myself. She's
talking about a teenage party. But I actually think that
(12:22):
that's what the problem is from my experience, and I
think that parents are going to be more likely to
respond to having an opportunity to catch up with other
adults without children. I also think.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
It depends on the stakes and how will you know
those parents?
Speaker 3 (12:39):
It does, But I also think in this case, I
know in our children's friendship circles that plenty of those
teenagers will have said please do not come to the party,
So you're dealing with that as well, and parents wanting
to not embarrass their kids or overstep their boundaries and
mark and stuff like that. So I think I think
(13:00):
this is actually a little bit complicated.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
Okay, the third and fourth things, I'm going to make
them really quick, really simple. In terms of the other
stimulation and the fact that we just don't have enough
emotional and cognitive bandwidth. I'm just going to suggest we've
got to create it, and the best way to create
it is to turn our phones off or have some
downtime away from our phones. Set a little twenty minute
appointment every day with yourself, put it in the diary
so that you can just breathe. We should do a
(13:22):
podcast about that. I think it's necessary because everyone says
they're so busy, and yet when you look at your
screen time, it's like, well, how did I use three
hours on my screen today? Like, I don't know how
I did that. I think I'm really really busy, but
I've got three hours to look at Instagram, look at
news dot com, and play candy Crash or whatever it is.
Speaker 3 (13:40):
Right, So this is curious to me as well. You're
talking about this idea of downtime. So parents that aren't
showing up to a party are seeing this as downtime, right,
But the very thing that they actually need for downtime
is connection.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
Right.
Speaker 3 (13:54):
We actually need connection, yes, and we push against it
because we think that it's going to take from us,
but it actually gives us.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
So the last thing that I want to highlight, which
builds on what you've just said, My fourth and final
solution for Adele is that success is about facing and
enduring rejection again and again and again. And the more
you're willing to face rejection and endure rejection, the more
likely it is that you'll finally find somebody who is
your people. And once you find them, you discover the
very real truth. To use it to say a little
(14:26):
bit more sucinctly than you, other people matter. Other people matter, Adele.
I think the community you're craving already exists. It's just
that it's hiding behind the same fears and the overwhelm
that you're probably feeling. So remember, start small, show up
really authentically.
Speaker 3 (14:40):
You just start with one parent, Like, don't try and
make it bigger than it needs to be. Just start
with one person.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
Yeah, and your kids need you to do it. They'll
watch you build connection. You go first and keep on
trying because it feels so rewarding when it works. We
really hope this is a useful answer, not just for you, Adele,
but for every parent who's craving a little bit more
connection and trying to get beyond the loneliness and the
lack of community that exists for so many people. If
you'd like to submit a tricky question. We've got a
super simple system at happy families dot com. Do you
(15:08):
just scroll down to podcasts on the website, click the
record button and start talking. Or you can send us
a voice memo to podcasts at happy families dot com
dot Au. Another tricky question Next Tuesday tomorrow on the pod.
I can't wait to share this conversation that I've just
had with one of Australia's leading education consultants, a guy
by the name of Adam Voit. Adam runs an organization
(15:32):
called Real Schools and we talk about all the big
issues that are affecting parents in schools today. It's a
don't miss it kind of episode. I'll see you tomorrow
on the pod. For the Happy Families podcast is produced
by Justin Rulan from Bridge Media. Mimhammonds gives us all
the research had been and other support that we need
and if you'd like more information and resources to make
your family happier, you'll find it at happy families dot Com.
Speaker 2 (15:53):
You
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