December 10, 2025 • 16 mins
If you’ve ever stood in the toy aisle wondering what will actually make my kids happy, this episode is the Christmas miracle you need. We unpack the surprising research on gift-giving—why experiences matter, when they don’t, and what different ages really want (and remember!) on Christmas morning. This one will change how you wrap Christmas… literally.
KEY POINTS
- The science-backed truth: giving really does make us happier than receiving.
- Why toddlers get more joy from giving than getting (what?!).
- The ages where kids prefer “stuff”… and why it’s developmentally normal.
- When experiences finally “click” for kids and bring more lasting joy.
- How anticipation, shared moments and memories make experiences powerful.
- A simple framework for choosing the right gift for the right child at the right age.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
“It’s not what you give — it’s that you give — that makes you happy.”
RESOURCES MENTIONED
- Happy Money: The Science of Happier Spending by Dunn & Norton
- Research on children’s happiness, gifts, and development (Chaplin & colleagues)
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
- Match the gift to your child’s age — material for younger kids, experiences as they grow.
- Add anticipation — reveal experiences with something they can hold or open.
- Share the moment — plan joint experiences for deeper connection and lasting happiness.
- Teach generosity — include simple opportunities for kids to give (even $5 makes a difference).
- Shift the focus — emphasise meaning, memory and togetherness over “more things”.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hello, and welcome to the Happy Families podcast. Going to
do this intro a little differently to normal, Kylie, I
have a question for you. I don't normally bring you
in this soon, but I'm bringing you in now. My
question is this got Christmas in well two weeks today.
Would you rather that I gave you an envelope with
the promise of an experience or would you rather that
I gave you a package tied with a bow with
(00:26):
a gift inside for Christmas? Pick your preference.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
It's a no brainer. Yep, it's experiences all the way.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Why.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Firstly, I'm not a things kind of person. Material things
don't don't really matter to me very much, Okay, but
the anticipation of knowing I get guaranteed time with you
doing something new or exciting is the best. That's better
than anything.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Today on the pot we talk about the way to
give the perfect gift. Is it an experience? Is it
a thing? What does the research show There is quite
a lot of research in this area. And how how
in the world are we supposed to understand the science
of gift giving in a developmental framework so that we
can make sure that we're giving the right stuff for
the right person for the right reasons, that's going to
maximize their happiness on Christmas Day. Stay with us, that's next. Hi,
(01:24):
Welcome to the Happy Family podcast, where you get real
parenting solutions every single day on the streets most downloaded
parenting podcasts, where Justin and Kylie Colson. Kylie, let's talk
about this conversation around gift giving, because will you use
that word maximize maximize happiness on Christmas Day?
Speaker 2 (01:40):
And I've never thought about it, but you're a maximizer.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
Maximal maximize are what makes you say that? What have
you seen?
Speaker 2 (01:50):
You're always trying to maximize your time, your energy, how
you spend your time with others.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
There's a name for this, what is it?
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Extra extra?
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Yeah? I was going to go back to my nineteen
eighties name actually, but the twenty twenty five version of
it is extra Yeah. The name for it is type
A maybe. Yeah, I'm a little which is an extra right,
So today on the pod, let's talk about it. I
mean a number of years ago, probably ten or twelve
years ago now, could have even been more. It might
(02:22):
be fifteen. A couple of researchers, one from the University
of British Columbia in Canada. Her angel is Done and
a Harvard co author, Michael Norton, co authored Happy Money
The Science are Smart a Spending and they published research
in the journal Science that showed that people are happy
when they spend money on others versus themselves. Now I
actually do this. In one of my presentations, I asked
(02:43):
for four volunteers. They come up to the front of
the room. How I used to do this with cash.
I think I'm going to start doing it with cash again.
I've been doing it with chocolates for the last year
or two, but cash is more fun. And what I
would do is, I'd say to the first person, hey,
here's five dollars, or here's a chocolate bar. Either either
I'd say here's the or here's the chocolate bar, and
it's all yours. Just because you're volunteered, I just want
(03:03):
to give it to you. How awesome is that? And
do you know not one person ever looked at me
and said that they were upset about it. Everybody who's like, like,
getting cash or getting a chocolate from somebody makes you
feel happy. But the rule is you're not sharing with everyone.
This is yours. And then I would go to the
second volunteer and say I'd give them exactly the same thing,
either five bucks or a chocolate bar, and I would say,
(03:26):
this is for you in the same way that I
gave volunteer number one the same thing. But there's a catch.
It's not actually for you. I want you to spend
that five dollars on someone else, or I want you
to give that chocolate bar to someone else, at which
point everyone in the crowd go big man. I'd say, no,
kick your hands down. They're going to give it somebody
later at home. It's not for anyone in the room.
(03:46):
And then I would ask the question who do you
think is going to be happier? Who do you think
is going to be happier? And people would vote. So,
I mean, I've given you zero information about today's podcast.
I've done all the prep on this one. You're literally
here as a passenger, so I can quiz you the
way that I am right now. What would you imagine
the crowd would choose who's going to be happier out
of the person that's got the five dollars of the
(04:06):
chocolate bar for themselves versus the person that's got the
five dollars of the chocolate bar to give away.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
M I would depend on I think it would depend
on the age group that you were with, But I
would say that generally people would think that having the
chocolate bar all the money for themselves would make them happier.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
Yeah, it's interesting you say that, because often people will
will literally say that. They'll be like, oh, yeah, the
chocolate like or the five bucks. What are you going
to spend five dollars on someone? Just just have it.
But what I've discovered over time is that more and
more people are sort of going, no, no, no. When you
give it away, you do feel better. So what I
do next, Kylie, is I pull out a twenty dollars
node or sometimes even a fifty dollars node, depending on
(04:46):
what I've got. Two of these costs me a lot,
so I'm a little bit stingy about it sometimes. But
either pull out a twenty or a fifty and I
give it to volunteer number three and I say, hey,
guess what this is what I'm giving to you, And
the whole crowd goes, oh, they can't believe that there's
a pineapple or a fifty dollars out there, or even
a twenty or I pull out one of the big,
big boxes of mixed chocolates, you know, like the really
(05:08):
expensive big ones, and the whole rug goes oh. And
I look at them. I say, this is for you
only you. I either want you to spend this money
on yourself if I'm giving them cash, or I want
you to eat these just keep them in your top drawer.
They're not for sharing. They're for you to take a
moment of pleasure every time you need it. Right, So
this is a purely selfish gift. And Volunteer number three
(05:28):
is just going, oh, my goodness, have I scored today
or what? And I kind of laugh and I'm like,
who do you? Reckon is looking happy now hah. And
then I go to volunteer number four, same I give
them the same twenty or fifty bucks or I give
them the same big box of chocolates, and I say, but,
like Volunteer number two, you're going to give this away.
You're not going to give the person cash, but you're
going to go and spend the cash on something for someone,
(05:49):
or you're going to share these chocolates with someone again.
And everyone in the room is like share them with me,
Like no, no, no, it's not anyone in the room, Like,
think about somebody that you really want to make an
impact in their life and do it that way. And
then I ask the crowd again, Okay, who's going to
be happiest this time? So what would you imagine the
response is when we're talking about a bigger box of
chocolates or a bigger summer money.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
I think it's still the same.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
You think that the person who gets to keep it
for themselves, people would vote that they'll be the happiest. Ye,
So there are always some people in the room who
do vote that way, but the majority consistently. I think
that teachers have had enough well being education now to know.
But the majority of people start to say, oh, when
you give stuff away, you actually giving things away is
joy multiplied?
Speaker 2 (06:32):
So is that because five dollars is kind of me
You can't do much with five dollars, but with fifty
you can.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
Well that this is where it gets really interesting, because
what I'll do then is I'll ask Volunteer number one
and Volunteer A number three to sit down and I say,
you go and be miserable with your chocolate. You're going
to be miserable with your money. And everyone laughs, and
I'll say, all right, so we've got volunteer number two
and volunteer number four. One of them's got five bucks
or fifty and the other one's got fifty or one
of them's got a small chocolate and one of them's
got a big box of chocolates, and they're giving it away.
(06:58):
And I'll say, all right, you guys have voted that
out of the two pairs, the two like forul like pairs,
the people giving it away are going to be the happiest.
That's what the overwhelming vote was. But now we've got
somebody with a big thing to give away and someone
with a little thing to give away. And then I
asked the question again, who's going to be happiest? How
would you respond?
Speaker 2 (07:17):
I don't think it matters. I don't think it matters
whether it's five dollars or fifty dollars.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
So this one's always more provocative. There are some people
who are like, oh no, it hurts to give something
bigger away, like that's hard, but it also feels awesome
when you do it. And then there are some people
who are like, oh no, you kind of feel stingy
when you're giving the little thing away, So there's a
little bit of a mix, but generally the answer that
I get overwhelmingly is what you just said. And my
response to that is, it's not what you give, it's
(07:46):
that you give that makes you happy. So Kylie, I'm
sharing that because Liz Done and Michael and Milton they
did a variety of experiments and studies aligned with those
kinds of ideas, and it's really fun to watch it
play out. But there's more to it than that. I
know you want to share something that I can see
(08:06):
it on the tip of your tongue.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
So the other day, our daughter asked if she could
gift her teachers something for Christmas. And I had some
chocolates and I wrapped them up and made them look pretty,
and she said, I really want to do something more
than chocolates. She said, I know that they can't get
through a day without a coffee. She said, do you
(08:29):
think we could go and get some coffeevouchers? And I
said that's fine. So we went down we got some coffeevouchers.
Can I tell you it was just one coffee. It
was just a free coffee with some chocolates. I actually
got an email from one of the teachers. He's never
in all of his teaching career received a gift from
a student.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
That's the first thing.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
But secondly, he was so taken by the one free coffee.
It was cost me six dollars. He was so taken
that I would go out of my way to give
tim something that it just was blown away. This email
just lit me up.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
You never told me about this. I'm sitting here almost
hearing you tell this story, and it gave him.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
An opportunity to tell it. He just said, he literally
the words were, your daughter has been the gift this year.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
Oh wow, all right, there's a little bit of a
little bit of flex there as well. While we're telling
this story about how generous we are. Oh my goodness.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
It's the reason I share it is because it was
such a simple act. It's five dollars. It's six dollars.
It's not like I spent.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
You didn't send him to a wiff one hundred dollars.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Or gave him an experience. His experience will be having
a hot cover. Yeah, but it filled him, but it
filled me in doing it without the email. It was
just a really lovely thing to do.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
I'm so glad you shared that after the break, we're
going to talk about Now that we know that giving
makes us feel good, what does receiving feel like like?
If you've got to open up a package that somebody
is giving to you, what is the thing that's going
to make you happiest as a receiver? Especially, we just
want the kids to be happy on Christmas Day, so
we're going to talk about it after the break. We're back.
(10:13):
This is the Happy Families podcast about a decade of
research shows that it's much nicer. Well. In fact, centuries
of common wisdom says that it's better to give than
to receive. But Michael Norton and has Done's research also
shows this buying experiences like trips and concerts and special
meals makes people happier than material things.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
That's because it costs more than five bucks.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
Whether you when you equalize things and make everything the same.
Both correlational and experimental studies have shown that people who
spend money on others report more happiness, and material things
don't bring as much happiness as experiences.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
I have one gift that was tied up with a
bow that you gifted me. We'd been married for about
seven years, right, and no matter how long we've been married,
it is still hands down my absolute favorite and every
time I open it, it just fills me with joy.
(11:15):
And it is it's a box of hand cut heart Oh.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
My goodness, I did like fifty you did fifty fifty
things I love about you, and I typed them up
on hearts and then I had to cut them out
by hand. I swear to me like four days.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
But not only did you cut them out, you layered them.
You used vellum.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
I don't even know what that is. That's the seat
through paper, on top of.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
The on top of the pretty cardol the go, and
then you use brads to stick them together.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
Are us what's theore little heart shaped things that you
push through the hole.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
That's right?
Speaker 1 (11:48):
Yeah, okay, all right, okay, So I mean sometimes gifts
do matter, right, But that's not a materialistic gift. No.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
I was going to say to me, that's actually an experience.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
Yeah, yeah, because you sit there and you open them
and read. Yes, yeah, yep. So I want to talk
about the developmental realities of what this research means. Okay,
giving versus receiving. Giving feels better, right or does it?
It depends how old you are in some ways.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
Yeah, I think when you're young.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
You just want to open stetes.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
That's right. The idea of giving away.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
And experiences or things, well, again it depends on your age.
So we're almost out of time. We've talked too long
just about all the other stuff, and I want to
go through this fairly quickly with you. So chaplain colleagues
did four studies with kids aged three to seventeen. They
published it in the International Journal of Research in Marketing,
and they used the child Development Framework to understand how
(12:36):
how development and cognition, particularly memory and ability to understand
the emotional states of others, impacts the way that gifts
work on a day like Christmas Day. And here's what
they found with kids aged zero to two. Well, let
me ask you this, because again I haven't told you
what's coming. Would you think that zero to two year olds.
We've got a granddaughter who's just turned two. Okay, she's
(12:57):
not three yet, so she still fits in that zero
to two category. It's up to the age of three.
Do you think that she's more excited about getting or
giving are getting? You would be wrong, You'd be wrong.
The research shows that totles exhibit greater happiness when giving
treats to others than receiving treats themselves. Children are happier
after engaging in costly gift giving forfeiting their own resources
(13:18):
than when giving the same treat at no cost, according
to the researchers, I think that's fascinating, which I think
just highlights that innately we are pro social, we are
supposed to be generous. I just love that. Okay, three
to twelve year olds three to twelve year olds, young children?
Do they want to give or receive received? No, they do?
And do they want to receive material things or experiences materials?
Speaker 2 (13:41):
Oh? They do.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
The researchers said this, goods are much more concrete and
require less reasoning about intention on mental states compared to experiences.
I don't want to think about what you were thinking
when you got this thing for me. I don't want
to have to imagine what it's going to be like,
anticipating that we're going to do that thing in three months.
I just want to open this thing and be excited
about about it now. And now I've opened it, I
want another thing to open so I can be excited
about that as well. The research has found that young
(14:05):
children clearly indicate the material goods give them more pleasure.
It's important to understand. They say that even young children
derive happiness from their experiences. However, when the event is passed,
their thoughts are more dominated by the material gifts or
souvenirs they can see in touch, which is kind of
annoying for us because we're trying to make this meaningful
for reeconds. But they don't care. They don't want meaning,
(14:25):
They just want materialism. Okay, this one's where it gets interesting.
Thirteen to seventeen year olds adolescence. What do you think
experiences or things?
Speaker 2 (14:35):
I think it's a mix.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
Yeah, because their cognitions are becoming more sophisticated. Yeah, the
research actually shows that they're probably going to be a
little bit more disappointed when they open up the experience
and find out they've got to wait, but they'll love
it more. They'll they'll enjoy it more, and they'll remember
it more and they'll have all those good feelings. So
you mentioned it in the intro. There's this idea that, oh, oh,
you kind of alluded to it. You didn't mention it specifically,
but there's this idea when when you open up up
(15:01):
a gift and it's experience on Christmas Day. You've had
all the anticipation leading up to Christmas Day, which makes
you excited about opening the gift. And you open it
and there's actually a little b of a letdown. It's like, oh,
I don't have something right now. But then you see
the gift, You're like, it's happening in February or April
or whatever it is. Oh, and now you've got another
couple of months to look forward to it. So the
anticipation builds again, and then you have the experience. It's
(15:21):
a joint experience, so you get to do it with
somebody else and that's wonderful. Oh my goodness, so good.
And then you've got the memory as well. And so
experiences work better on a range of complex ways different domains.
Experiences work better. But your kids have got to be
old enough to be able to experience the joy ongoingly.
(15:42):
That is pretty much what the research shows about how
to give great gifts.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
So what are we doing this year?
Speaker 1 (15:49):
We're giving tangible or experience all the stuff. Ho ho
Monkey had this great experience as a family of great experience.
I mean, we had our moment, but it was a
great experience and created the memories. So that's that's that.
But I really, I mean we're working hard on shifting
(16:10):
the focus towards more experiences, and I think as time
goes by and as our kids get older, they become
much more meaningful. Anyway, that's the psychology of Christmas gift giving.
We hope that you've enjoyed the podcast and gotten heaps
of ideas out of it, and we hope that you
can get a refund on everything that you've wropped up
and put underneath the tree. The Happy Families podcast is
(16:30):
produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. Mim Hammonds provides research,
admen and other support, and you can get more information
and resources about making your family happier at happy families
dot com dot au
Hello, and welcome to the Happy Families podcast. Going to
do this intro a little differently to normal, Kylie, I
have a question for you. I don't normally bring you
in this soon, but I'm bringing you in now. My
question is this got Christmas in well two weeks today.
Would you rather that I gave you an envelope with
the promise of an experience or would you rather that
I gave you a package tied with a bow with
(00:26):
a gift inside for Christmas? Pick your preference.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
It's a no brainer. Yep, it's experiences all the way.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Why.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Firstly, I'm not a things kind of person. Material things
don't don't really matter to me very much, Okay, but
the anticipation of knowing I get guaranteed time with you
doing something new or exciting is the best. That's better
than anything.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Today on the pot we talk about the way to
give the perfect gift. Is it an experience? Is it
a thing? What does the research show There is quite
a lot of research in this area. And how how
in the world are we supposed to understand the science
of gift giving in a developmental framework so that we
can make sure that we're giving the right stuff for
the right person for the right reasons, that's going to
maximize their happiness on Christmas Day. Stay with us, that's next. Hi,
(01:24):
Welcome to the Happy Family podcast, where you get real
parenting solutions every single day on the streets most downloaded
parenting podcasts, where Justin and Kylie Colson. Kylie, let's talk
about this conversation around gift giving, because will you use
that word maximize maximize happiness on Christmas Day?
Speaker 2 (01:40):
And I've never thought about it, but you're a maximizer.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
Maximal maximize are what makes you say that? What have
you seen?
Speaker 2 (01:50):
You're always trying to maximize your time, your energy, how
you spend your time with others.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
There's a name for this, what is it?
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Extra extra?
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Yeah? I was going to go back to my nineteen
eighties name actually, but the twenty twenty five version of
it is extra Yeah. The name for it is type
A maybe. Yeah, I'm a little which is an extra right,
So today on the pod, let's talk about it. I
mean a number of years ago, probably ten or twelve
years ago now, could have even been more. It might
(02:22):
be fifteen. A couple of researchers, one from the University
of British Columbia in Canada. Her angel is Done and
a Harvard co author, Michael Norton, co authored Happy Money
The Science are Smart a Spending and they published research
in the journal Science that showed that people are happy
when they spend money on others versus themselves. Now I
actually do this. In one of my presentations, I asked
(02:43):
for four volunteers. They come up to the front of
the room. How I used to do this with cash.
I think I'm going to start doing it with cash again.
I've been doing it with chocolates for the last year
or two, but cash is more fun. And what I
would do is, I'd say to the first person, hey,
here's five dollars, or here's a chocolate bar. Either either
I'd say here's the or here's the chocolate bar, and
it's all yours. Just because you're volunteered, I just want
(03:03):
to give it to you. How awesome is that? And
do you know not one person ever looked at me
and said that they were upset about it. Everybody who's like, like,
getting cash or getting a chocolate from somebody makes you
feel happy. But the rule is you're not sharing with everyone.
This is yours. And then I would go to the
second volunteer and say I'd give them exactly the same thing,
either five bucks or a chocolate bar, and I would say,
(03:26):
this is for you in the same way that I
gave volunteer number one the same thing. But there's a catch.
It's not actually for you. I want you to spend
that five dollars on someone else, or I want you
to give that chocolate bar to someone else, at which
point everyone in the crowd go big man. I'd say, no,
kick your hands down. They're going to give it somebody
later at home. It's not for anyone in the room.
(03:46):
And then I would ask the question who do you
think is going to be happier? Who do you think
is going to be happier? And people would vote. So,
I mean, I've given you zero information about today's podcast.
I've done all the prep on this one. You're literally
here as a passenger, so I can quiz you the
way that I am right now. What would you imagine
the crowd would choose who's going to be happier out
of the person that's got the five dollars of the
(04:06):
chocolate bar for themselves versus the person that's got the
five dollars of the chocolate bar to give away.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
M I would depend on I think it would depend
on the age group that you were with, But I
would say that generally people would think that having the
chocolate bar all the money for themselves would make them happier.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
Yeah, it's interesting you say that, because often people will
will literally say that. They'll be like, oh, yeah, the
chocolate like or the five bucks. What are you going
to spend five dollars on someone? Just just have it.
But what I've discovered over time is that more and
more people are sort of going, no, no, no. When you
give it away, you do feel better. So what I
do next, Kylie, is I pull out a twenty dollars
node or sometimes even a fifty dollars node, depending on
(04:46):
what I've got. Two of these costs me a lot,
so I'm a little bit stingy about it sometimes. But
either pull out a twenty or a fifty and I
give it to volunteer number three and I say, hey,
guess what this is what I'm giving to you, And
the whole crowd goes, oh, they can't believe that there's
a pineapple or a fifty dollars out there, or even
a twenty or I pull out one of the big,
big boxes of mixed chocolates, you know, like the really
(05:08):
expensive big ones, and the whole rug goes oh. And
I look at them. I say, this is for you
only you. I either want you to spend this money
on yourself if I'm giving them cash, or I want
you to eat these just keep them in your top drawer.
They're not for sharing. They're for you to take a
moment of pleasure every time you need it. Right, So
this is a purely selfish gift. And Volunteer number three
(05:28):
is just going, oh, my goodness, have I scored today
or what? And I kind of laugh and I'm like,
who do you? Reckon is looking happy now hah. And
then I go to volunteer number four, same I give
them the same twenty or fifty bucks or I give
them the same big box of chocolates, and I say, but,
like Volunteer number two, you're going to give this away.
You're not going to give the person cash, but you're
going to go and spend the cash on something for someone,
(05:49):
or you're going to share these chocolates with someone again.
And everyone in the room is like share them with me,
Like no, no, no, it's not anyone in the room, Like,
think about somebody that you really want to make an
impact in their life and do it that way. And
then I ask the crowd again, Okay, who's going to
be happiest this time? So what would you imagine the
response is when we're talking about a bigger box of
chocolates or a bigger summer money.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
I think it's still the same.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
You think that the person who gets to keep it
for themselves, people would vote that they'll be the happiest. Ye,
So there are always some people in the room who
do vote that way, but the majority consistently. I think
that teachers have had enough well being education now to know.
But the majority of people start to say, oh, when
you give stuff away, you actually giving things away is
joy multiplied?
Speaker 2 (06:32):
So is that because five dollars is kind of me
You can't do much with five dollars, but with fifty
you can.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
Well that this is where it gets really interesting, because
what I'll do then is I'll ask Volunteer number one
and Volunteer A number three to sit down and I say,
you go and be miserable with your chocolate. You're going
to be miserable with your money. And everyone laughs, and
I'll say, all right, so we've got volunteer number two
and volunteer number four. One of them's got five bucks
or fifty and the other one's got fifty or one
of them's got a small chocolate and one of them's
got a big box of chocolates, and they're giving it away.
(06:58):
And I'll say, all right, you guys have voted that
out of the two pairs, the two like forul like pairs,
the people giving it away are going to be the happiest.
That's what the overwhelming vote was. But now we've got
somebody with a big thing to give away and someone
with a little thing to give away. And then I
asked the question again, who's going to be happiest? How
would you respond?
Speaker 2 (07:17):
I don't think it matters. I don't think it matters
whether it's five dollars or fifty dollars.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
So this one's always more provocative. There are some people
who are like, oh no, it hurts to give something
bigger away, like that's hard, but it also feels awesome
when you do it. And then there are some people
who are like, oh no, you kind of feel stingy
when you're giving the little thing away, So there's a
little bit of a mix, but generally the answer that
I get overwhelmingly is what you just said. And my
response to that is, it's not what you give, it's
(07:46):
that you give that makes you happy. So Kylie, I'm
sharing that because Liz Done and Michael and Milton they
did a variety of experiments and studies aligned with those
kinds of ideas, and it's really fun to watch it
play out. But there's more to it than that. I
know you want to share something that I can see
(08:06):
it on the tip of your tongue.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
So the other day, our daughter asked if she could
gift her teachers something for Christmas. And I had some
chocolates and I wrapped them up and made them look pretty,
and she said, I really want to do something more
than chocolates. She said, I know that they can't get
through a day without a coffee. She said, do you
(08:29):
think we could go and get some coffeevouchers? And I
said that's fine. So we went down we got some coffeevouchers.
Can I tell you it was just one coffee. It
was just a free coffee with some chocolates. I actually
got an email from one of the teachers. He's never
in all of his teaching career received a gift from
a student.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
That's the first thing.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
But secondly, he was so taken by the one free coffee.
It was cost me six dollars. He was so taken
that I would go out of my way to give
tim something that it just was blown away. This email
just lit me up.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
You never told me about this. I'm sitting here almost
hearing you tell this story, and it gave him.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
An opportunity to tell it. He just said, he literally
the words were, your daughter has been the gift this year.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
Oh wow, all right, there's a little bit of a
little bit of flex there as well. While we're telling
this story about how generous we are. Oh my goodness.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
It's the reason I share it is because it was
such a simple act. It's five dollars. It's six dollars.
It's not like I spent.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
You didn't send him to a wiff one hundred dollars.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Or gave him an experience. His experience will be having
a hot cover. Yeah, but it filled him, but it
filled me in doing it without the email. It was
just a really lovely thing to do.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
I'm so glad you shared that after the break, we're
going to talk about Now that we know that giving
makes us feel good, what does receiving feel like like?
If you've got to open up a package that somebody
is giving to you, what is the thing that's going
to make you happiest as a receiver? Especially, we just
want the kids to be happy on Christmas Day, so
we're going to talk about it after the break. We're back.
(10:13):
This is the Happy Families podcast about a decade of
research shows that it's much nicer. Well. In fact, centuries
of common wisdom says that it's better to give than
to receive. But Michael Norton and has Done's research also
shows this buying experiences like trips and concerts and special
meals makes people happier than material things.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
That's because it costs more than five bucks.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
Whether you when you equalize things and make everything the same.
Both correlational and experimental studies have shown that people who
spend money on others report more happiness, and material things
don't bring as much happiness as experiences.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
I have one gift that was tied up with a
bow that you gifted me. We'd been married for about
seven years, right, and no matter how long we've been married,
it is still hands down my absolute favorite and every
time I open it, it just fills me with joy.
(11:15):
And it is it's a box of hand cut heart Oh.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
My goodness, I did like fifty you did fifty fifty
things I love about you, and I typed them up
on hearts and then I had to cut them out
by hand. I swear to me like four days.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
But not only did you cut them out, you layered them.
You used vellum.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
I don't even know what that is. That's the seat
through paper, on top of.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
The on top of the pretty cardol the go, and
then you use brads to stick them together.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
Are us what's theore little heart shaped things that you
push through the hole.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
That's right?
Speaker 1 (11:48):
Yeah, okay, all right, okay, So I mean sometimes gifts
do matter, right, But that's not a materialistic gift. No.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
I was going to say to me, that's actually an experience.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
Yeah, yeah, because you sit there and you open them
and read. Yes, yeah, yep. So I want to talk
about the developmental realities of what this research means. Okay,
giving versus receiving. Giving feels better, right or does it?
It depends how old you are in some ways.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
Yeah, I think when you're young.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
You just want to open stetes.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
That's right. The idea of giving away.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
And experiences or things, well, again it depends on your age.
So we're almost out of time. We've talked too long
just about all the other stuff, and I want to
go through this fairly quickly with you. So chaplain colleagues
did four studies with kids aged three to seventeen. They
published it in the International Journal of Research in Marketing,
and they used the child Development Framework to understand how
(12:36):
how development and cognition, particularly memory and ability to understand
the emotional states of others, impacts the way that gifts
work on a day like Christmas Day. And here's what
they found with kids aged zero to two. Well, let
me ask you this, because again I haven't told you
what's coming. Would you think that zero to two year olds.
We've got a granddaughter who's just turned two. Okay, she's
(12:57):
not three yet, so she still fits in that zero
to two category. It's up to the age of three.
Do you think that she's more excited about getting or
giving are getting? You would be wrong, You'd be wrong.
The research shows that totles exhibit greater happiness when giving
treats to others than receiving treats themselves. Children are happier
after engaging in costly gift giving forfeiting their own resources
(13:18):
than when giving the same treat at no cost, according
to the researchers, I think that's fascinating, which I think
just highlights that innately we are pro social, we are
supposed to be generous. I just love that. Okay, three
to twelve year olds three to twelve year olds, young children?
Do they want to give or receive received? No, they do?
And do they want to receive material things or experiences materials?
Speaker 2 (13:41):
Oh? They do.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
The researchers said this, goods are much more concrete and
require less reasoning about intention on mental states compared to experiences.
I don't want to think about what you were thinking
when you got this thing for me. I don't want
to have to imagine what it's going to be like,
anticipating that we're going to do that thing in three months.
I just want to open this thing and be excited
about about it now. And now I've opened it, I
want another thing to open so I can be excited
about that as well. The research has found that young
(14:05):
children clearly indicate the material goods give them more pleasure.
It's important to understand. They say that even young children
derive happiness from their experiences. However, when the event is passed,
their thoughts are more dominated by the material gifts or
souvenirs they can see in touch, which is kind of
annoying for us because we're trying to make this meaningful
for reeconds. But they don't care. They don't want meaning,
(14:25):
They just want materialism. Okay, this one's where it gets interesting.
Thirteen to seventeen year olds adolescence. What do you think
experiences or things?
Speaker 2 (14:35):
I think it's a mix.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
Yeah, because their cognitions are becoming more sophisticated. Yeah, the
research actually shows that they're probably going to be a
little bit more disappointed when they open up the experience
and find out they've got to wait, but they'll love
it more. They'll they'll enjoy it more, and they'll remember
it more and they'll have all those good feelings. So
you mentioned it in the intro. There's this idea that, oh, oh,
you kind of alluded to it. You didn't mention it specifically,
but there's this idea when when you open up up
(15:01):
a gift and it's experience on Christmas Day. You've had
all the anticipation leading up to Christmas Day, which makes
you excited about opening the gift. And you open it
and there's actually a little b of a letdown. It's like, oh,
I don't have something right now. But then you see
the gift, You're like, it's happening in February or April
or whatever it is. Oh, and now you've got another
couple of months to look forward to it. So the
anticipation builds again, and then you have the experience. It's
(15:21):
a joint experience, so you get to do it with
somebody else and that's wonderful. Oh my goodness, so good.
And then you've got the memory as well. And so
experiences work better on a range of complex ways different domains.
Experiences work better. But your kids have got to be
old enough to be able to experience the joy ongoingly.
(15:42):
That is pretty much what the research shows about how
to give great gifts.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
So what are we doing this year?
Speaker 1 (15:49):
We're giving tangible or experience all the stuff. Ho ho
Monkey had this great experience as a family of great experience.
I mean, we had our moment, but it was a
great experience and created the memories. So that's that's that.
But I really, I mean we're working hard on shifting
(16:10):
the focus towards more experiences, and I think as time
goes by and as our kids get older, they become
much more meaningful. Anyway, that's the psychology of Christmas gift giving.
We hope that you've enjoyed the podcast and gotten heaps
of ideas out of it, and we hope that you
can get a refund on everything that you've wropped up
and put underneath the tree. The Happy Families podcast is
(16:30):
produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. Mim Hammonds provides research,
admen and other support, and you can get more information
and resources about making your family happier at happy families
dot com dot au
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