September 8, 2025 • 12 mins
What do you do when your child’s confidence starts to look like bragging? Today’s tricky parenting question comes from Joanna, whose 12-year-old daughter is bright, kind, and wonderfully self-assured—but sometimes her enthusiasm feels a little too much.
In this episode, Justin and Kylie unpack how to nurture confidence while gently guiding kids toward humility and social awareness. You’ll hear practical ways to help your child celebrate others, avoid “showing off,” and learn through natural experiences—without squashing their spirit.
KEY POINTS:
- Why confidence in tweens is precious (and why most kids lose it)
- The difference between being “interesting” vs. being “interested”
- Teaching kids to be “people builders” instead of show-offs
- The power of teachable moments over lectures
- How unconditional love helps kids learn from their own mistakes
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:
“Confidence is precious. We don’t want to dampen it—but we can guide kids to use it in ways that lift others up.”
RESOURCES MENTIONED:
- Submit your tricky question: happyfamilies.com.au/podcasts
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:
- Celebrate your child’s confidence—don’t squash it.
- Encourage them to notice and cheer for others’ successes.
- Use quiet, reflective conversations after social moments as teaching opportunities.
- Frame discussions around being a good friend and including others.
- Be the “soft place to land” when friendships hit bumps.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. What is it
with some kids? They're just so confident that it can
rub us up the wrong way. They're not necessarily sensitive
to what's going on for other people. They're a little
bit rude, arrogant, annoying, They kind of maybe even embarrass
us a little bit. Is it them or is it us? Today?
(00:27):
A tricky question about how we develop character in our
kids when they're a little bit extra, a little bit
too much. Stay with us. Hello, Welcome to the Happy
Families Podcast. Real parenting solutions every single day on Australia's
most downloaded parenting and podcasts. We are Justin and Kylie Colson,
and we appreciate so much you're listening. Thank you for
(00:47):
taking time out of your day to listen to the
pod and hopefully pick up on something that might just
make your family happier. Every Tuesday on the Happy Families Podcast,
your tricky questions about family in relationships and wellbeing and
discipline and anything else that you can think of. You
can literally ask us anything if you would like to
submit a tricky question, got a super simple system at
(01:10):
Happy families dot com dot I. You scroll down to podcasts,
click the record button, start talking. It's really that simple. Alternatively,
you can just open up your phone, create a voice
note and send that through to podcasts at happy families
dot com dot au. Here is today's tricky question.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
Hi, my name's Joanna from Melbourne. I'm looking for some
help for my twelve year old daughter. She's the most delightful,
kind and thoughtful girl and he's super confident in most
things in life and I love it because she's willing
to always give things a go. However, her confidence can
be a little of an issue at times, as it
comes across as if she's showing off a bit and bragging.
(01:52):
I don't think she even realizes she is doing this herself,
and it's not done in a nasty, snipy way. It
really is just done in a way to get attention.
I'm looking for ways to be able to help her
with this and teach her to be humble and stop
showing off because I'm worried it's going to start creating
issues with friends, but I also don't want to squash
(02:14):
her pride and confidence at the same time.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
Thanks for any help, so Kylie, I feel like Johanna
has come to the right person for the right people.
We've had a running gage.
Speaker 3 (02:24):
Don't put me in this.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
We've had a running gag in our home for approximately
thirty years that I'm the humblest person that I know.
Speaker 3 (02:34):
Like I said, this is all you now.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
It's a joke, I know, but I want to give
people humble competitions. I'm so humble, I reckon, I could
beat you in a humble I'm proud of my human ldy.
That's how humble I am. On the serious side, though,
what I love about this message, Kylie, this voice note
from Joanna is just how highly she speaks of her daughter.
Like you can hear, there's this beautiful ability to assume
(02:56):
the best of intentions with her, this ability to see
what a great kid she is. And I absolutely love that.
All right, so let's talk about this. Something that both
of us touched on when we were reflecting on where
this conversation could go was our experience with our own daughters.
We have six of them, All of them except for
(03:18):
our youngest, have now reached the age of Joanna's.
Speaker 3 (03:21):
If she's got confidence, we want to do everything we
possibly can to completely and utterly bubble.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
Wrap that coy Yeah bottle, Oh my gosh, get her
to drink a big scoop of it every morning and
every night.
Speaker 3 (03:35):
Because inevitably, what we've experienced with each of our six
girls as at some point someone something absolutely annihilates it.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
Yeah, and when that bubble burst.
Speaker 3 (03:47):
Devastation of watching that bubble burst is so heartbreaking for everybody.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
The most popular presentation that I deliver in schools but
I'm talking to teenage girls, is a presentation called enough,
asking this question, am I enough? Because I don't know.
Something happens between ten and fourteen where girls suddenly lose confidence.
I'm certain that social media has a lot to do
with it, but it was happening even before Facebook was
(04:14):
on the scene. There is a decrease in confidence. There
is a decrease. Unfortunately now it's not across the board.
Some girls are immune to it, but there is a general,
on average drop in that feeling of confidence, that willingness
to share. So my first impulse is to say, just
enjoy it. I know it's annoying, I know it can
be embarrassing. Usually it's about us more than about them.
(04:37):
And I also get the worry that Joanna is highlighting
like my daughter, if she keeps on doing this. It
could look like she's rubbing it in people's faces. It
could look like she's insensitive because she doesn't understand the
struggle that other people are having, because she's just aced
this test or done really well with this performance or whatever.
It is definitely worth highlighting. At this age, a lot
(04:58):
of kids are kind of clumsy developmentally. We should not
be expecting that they're going to have a sophisticated social awareness.
I don't think it's fair that we expect, though, that
our twelve year olds have the same level of self
awareness and the same level of humility and the ability
to restrain their emotions and their excitement about things to
(05:18):
the same level that maybe a twenty or a thirty
or a forty year old might so. Developmentally, I would
say that this is normal, but also really generally positive.
I don't want it to sound like I'm dismissing your concerns, Joanna,
because I get the worry around it, But at a
general level, I think this is more of a good
problem to have than a bad problem to have.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
I would agree with you, but I think that there's
a few things that we could do to counter the
challenges that she can see coming she's watching this train
rack about to happen, right, so she can see what
could happen. And so I think that there's definitely some
things we could talk about after the break to help
navigate this situation.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
Confidence is precious. We don't want to dampen it. Too
Many girls lose their confidence. Adolescence has a way of
extinguishing that flame of confidence and delight. But we do
want to help Joanna to help her daughter be a
little bit more mature in the way that she expresses
her enthusiasm and confidence, because sometimes it looks like it
could tread on toes, it could become a little bit
(06:30):
prickly for her, and we'd like her to have and
maintain positive relationships. Kylie, I've got a couple of ideas.
You've got a couple as well. Let's hear from you first.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
So one of the things that I think is really
important is helping our children to be people builders. When
we give our children opportunities to celebrate other people's successes
and achievements, that goes a long way to helping to
kind of just curb that sense of bragging that comes
as as a result of their sharing. We can be
(07:01):
really excited about something that we've achieved, and it's not
necessarily a brag. But if that's all we talk about
and we don't see other people's achievements, then that's when
it kind of rubs people up the wrong way. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
I love that as an extension, maybe a slight step away,
but along the same line teaching kids to be interested
rather than interesting. Right when I'm telling everybody what I did,
Look at what I did. Look how good I am.
Let's wave my little flag around. We're trying to be interesting.
But when we can show some curiosity and some interest
in what other people are doing, that makes them feel
(07:37):
so good, and it makes us look a lot more humble,
a lot less prideful. Being interested in others is a
big win.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
A little while ago, our homeschool daughter Emily was attending
some acrobatic classes and she learned how to do lots
of handstands and cartwheels and things. And she was part
of this homeschool group and we were just down at
the beach having a gathering together, and the girls all
decided to do cart wells. Now, there were a number
of girls in that group who could not do a
(08:06):
handstand or a cart will to save themselves, and yet
the girls who could do it, they rallied around these
kids and cheered them on and gave them tips and
worked with them to help them achieve the outcome. And
what I loved about it was there was this level
of confidence and the girls that knew what they were doing,
(08:27):
but they didn't actually have to say anything because they
were there to help the other people in the space,
and it just it was such a beautiful moment to watch.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Yeah, I really like that. You said you've got a
couple of ideas, what's your next one?
Speaker 3 (08:39):
So my other idea is just sometimes we want to
step in and teach our kids things before they're ready,
and we're so worried about the train wreck that's about
to happen, we jump in, and in our attempts to
stop the train work, we actually create the train wreck
in that we squash that confidence that we so did
(09:00):
desperately want to keep intact. And so I think it's
just really important as a parent to look for teachable moments.
If you are watching an experience you know happen and
take place, and you can read the body language of
another girl, maybe later when you're tucking her into bed
or you're having, you know, kind of ice cream down
at the park. You might bring up the experience that
(09:21):
they had together and ask her if she could, you know,
if she noticed anything about the way her friend responded,
or what she experiences when this happens, or you know,
just opportunities to kind of help broaden her vision of
what's actually happening, because because when we're excited about something,
we kind of miss everything right because it's all about me,
(09:43):
and the opportunity that we can have to encourage them
to look outside themselves and see what's going on around them.
It's those teachable moments that actually really help.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
So if I was again to build on that, my
feeling is that there's only so much that you can
protect your kids from, and and chances are she's going
to say something insensitive, She is going to offend some
upset somebody, tread on somebody's toes. My sense is that
generally friends will teach your daughter more than you will
(10:13):
teach your daughter. And as a parent, your job is
not to keep on trying to fix her. Your job
as a parent is absolute unconditionality. You can always say hey,
I noticed something, and I wouldn't mind having a chat
with you about it to see how you feel about
it or if you've observed it. But my sense is
that if you can give her that absolute unconditionality, the
(10:36):
friends will teach her and then when things go south,
which they no doubt will at some point, you can
be the soft space and say, well, what do we
learn from this? You don't have to teach the lessons.
You can help her to have her own discoveries and
she'll learn so much more as a result, because pain
can be a pretty good teacher. We grow through pain.
There's another idea that popped into my head as well,
(10:56):
and that is this, if you do feel like you
need to frame a conversation around this issue because it
is coming up a lot, and you're seeing the signals
and it's not just your embarrassment, like the signals are
really there, it's useful to frame this around being a
good friend and being inclusive. That that really piggybacks on
your cart will story rather than showing off, what can
we do to say, well, I have a level of
(11:17):
confidence here and I'd love to build your confidence as well.
There's really something in that Ultimately, raising kids is tricky,
and our children have got to learn how to become
socially aware and socially sophisticated and socially mature. And the
best way to do that, unfortunately, is by experience. Experience. Yeah,
(11:38):
and sometimes those experience as a positive, sometimes not so much.
If you can be there for her unconditionally, Joanna, I
think she's going to do great. And based on the
way that you spoke about her and the way that
you introduced this question, I think you're doing a great job.
I wish I wish that when I was a kid
that I had a mum who spoke about me the
way that you speak about her. It's really really special.
All right, we need to wrap it up there. Another
(11:59):
question next week. If you'd like to submit a tricky question.
Our super simple system is available at happyfamilies dot com
dot A. You you just click the record button and
start talking on the podcast page. Really that simple, or
send us a voice note. Podcasts at happy families dot
com dot AU. The Happy Families podcast. It's produced by
Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. We really appreciate Mim Hammonds
(12:21):
and the great work she does with research, admin and
other support around the pod as well. Thanks so much
for listening. We'll talk to you again tomorrow on the
pod where we are going to step carefully into a
conversation about school avoidance such a challenge. That's tomorrow on
the Happy Families Podcast. More info at happy families dot
(12:42):
com dot au.
Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. What is it
with some kids? They're just so confident that it can
rub us up the wrong way. They're not necessarily sensitive
to what's going on for other people. They're a little
bit rude, arrogant, annoying, They kind of maybe even embarrass
us a little bit. Is it them or is it us? Today?
(00:27):
A tricky question about how we develop character in our
kids when they're a little bit extra, a little bit
too much. Stay with us. Hello, Welcome to the Happy
Families Podcast. Real parenting solutions every single day on Australia's
most downloaded parenting and podcasts. We are Justin and Kylie Colson,
and we appreciate so much you're listening. Thank you for
(00:47):
taking time out of your day to listen to the
pod and hopefully pick up on something that might just
make your family happier. Every Tuesday on the Happy Families Podcast,
your tricky questions about family in relationships and wellbeing and
discipline and anything else that you can think of. You
can literally ask us anything if you would like to
submit a tricky question, got a super simple system at
(01:10):
Happy families dot com dot I. You scroll down to podcasts,
click the record button, start talking. It's really that simple. Alternatively,
you can just open up your phone, create a voice
note and send that through to podcasts at happy families
dot com dot au. Here is today's tricky question.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
Hi, my name's Joanna from Melbourne. I'm looking for some
help for my twelve year old daughter. She's the most delightful,
kind and thoughtful girl and he's super confident in most
things in life and I love it because she's willing
to always give things a go. However, her confidence can
be a little of an issue at times, as it
comes across as if she's showing off a bit and bragging.
(01:52):
I don't think she even realizes she is doing this herself,
and it's not done in a nasty, snipy way. It
really is just done in a way to get attention.
I'm looking for ways to be able to help her
with this and teach her to be humble and stop
showing off because I'm worried it's going to start creating
issues with friends, but I also don't want to squash
(02:14):
her pride and confidence at the same time.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
Thanks for any help, so Kylie, I feel like Johanna
has come to the right person for the right people.
We've had a running gage.
Speaker 3 (02:24):
Don't put me in this.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
We've had a running gag in our home for approximately
thirty years that I'm the humblest person that I know.
Speaker 3 (02:34):
Like I said, this is all you now.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
It's a joke, I know, but I want to give
people humble competitions. I'm so humble, I reckon, I could
beat you in a humble I'm proud of my human ldy.
That's how humble I am. On the serious side, though,
what I love about this message, Kylie, this voice note
from Joanna is just how highly she speaks of her daughter.
Like you can hear, there's this beautiful ability to assume
(02:56):
the best of intentions with her, this ability to see
what a great kid she is. And I absolutely love that.
All right, so let's talk about this. Something that both
of us touched on when we were reflecting on where
this conversation could go was our experience with our own daughters.
We have six of them, All of them except for
(03:18):
our youngest, have now reached the age of Joanna's.
Speaker 3 (03:21):
If she's got confidence, we want to do everything we
possibly can to completely and utterly bubble.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
Wrap that coy Yeah bottle, Oh my gosh, get her
to drink a big scoop of it every morning and
every night.
Speaker 3 (03:35):
Because inevitably, what we've experienced with each of our six
girls as at some point someone something absolutely annihilates it.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
Yeah, and when that bubble burst.
Speaker 3 (03:47):
Devastation of watching that bubble burst is so heartbreaking for everybody.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
The most popular presentation that I deliver in schools but
I'm talking to teenage girls, is a presentation called enough,
asking this question, am I enough? Because I don't know.
Something happens between ten and fourteen where girls suddenly lose confidence.
I'm certain that social media has a lot to do
with it, but it was happening even before Facebook was
(04:14):
on the scene. There is a decrease in confidence. There
is a decrease. Unfortunately now it's not across the board.
Some girls are immune to it, but there is a general,
on average drop in that feeling of confidence, that willingness
to share. So my first impulse is to say, just
enjoy it. I know it's annoying, I know it can
be embarrassing. Usually it's about us more than about them.
(04:37):
And I also get the worry that Joanna is highlighting
like my daughter, if she keeps on doing this. It
could look like she's rubbing it in people's faces. It
could look like she's insensitive because she doesn't understand the
struggle that other people are having, because she's just aced
this test or done really well with this performance or whatever.
It is definitely worth highlighting. At this age, a lot
(04:58):
of kids are kind of clumsy developmentally. We should not
be expecting that they're going to have a sophisticated social awareness.
I don't think it's fair that we expect, though, that
our twelve year olds have the same level of self
awareness and the same level of humility and the ability
to restrain their emotions and their excitement about things to
(05:18):
the same level that maybe a twenty or a thirty
or a forty year old might so. Developmentally, I would
say that this is normal, but also really generally positive.
I don't want it to sound like I'm dismissing your concerns, Joanna,
because I get the worry around it, But at a
general level, I think this is more of a good
problem to have than a bad problem to have.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
I would agree with you, but I think that there's
a few things that we could do to counter the
challenges that she can see coming she's watching this train
rack about to happen, right, so she can see what
could happen. And so I think that there's definitely some
things we could talk about after the break to help
navigate this situation.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
Confidence is precious. We don't want to dampen it. Too
Many girls lose their confidence. Adolescence has a way of
extinguishing that flame of confidence and delight. But we do
want to help Joanna to help her daughter be a
little bit more mature in the way that she expresses
her enthusiasm and confidence, because sometimes it looks like it
could tread on toes, it could become a little bit
(06:30):
prickly for her, and we'd like her to have and
maintain positive relationships. Kylie, I've got a couple of ideas.
You've got a couple as well. Let's hear from you first.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
So one of the things that I think is really
important is helping our children to be people builders. When
we give our children opportunities to celebrate other people's successes
and achievements, that goes a long way to helping to
kind of just curb that sense of bragging that comes
as as a result of their sharing. We can be
(07:01):
really excited about something that we've achieved, and it's not
necessarily a brag. But if that's all we talk about
and we don't see other people's achievements, then that's when
it kind of rubs people up the wrong way. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
I love that as an extension, maybe a slight step away,
but along the same line teaching kids to be interested
rather than interesting. Right when I'm telling everybody what I did,
Look at what I did. Look how good I am.
Let's wave my little flag around. We're trying to be interesting.
But when we can show some curiosity and some interest
in what other people are doing, that makes them feel
(07:37):
so good, and it makes us look a lot more humble,
a lot less prideful. Being interested in others is a
big win.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
A little while ago, our homeschool daughter Emily was attending
some acrobatic classes and she learned how to do lots
of handstands and cartwheels and things. And she was part
of this homeschool group and we were just down at
the beach having a gathering together, and the girls all
decided to do cart wells. Now, there were a number
of girls in that group who could not do a
(08:06):
handstand or a cart will to save themselves, and yet
the girls who could do it, they rallied around these
kids and cheered them on and gave them tips and
worked with them to help them achieve the outcome. And
what I loved about it was there was this level
of confidence and the girls that knew what they were doing,
(08:27):
but they didn't actually have to say anything because they
were there to help the other people in the space,
and it just it was such a beautiful moment to watch.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Yeah, I really like that. You said you've got a
couple of ideas, what's your next one?
Speaker 3 (08:39):
So my other idea is just sometimes we want to
step in and teach our kids things before they're ready,
and we're so worried about the train wreck that's about
to happen, we jump in, and in our attempts to
stop the train work, we actually create the train wreck
in that we squash that confidence that we so did
(09:00):
desperately want to keep intact. And so I think it's
just really important as a parent to look for teachable moments.
If you are watching an experience you know happen and
take place, and you can read the body language of
another girl, maybe later when you're tucking her into bed
or you're having, you know, kind of ice cream down
at the park. You might bring up the experience that
(09:21):
they had together and ask her if she could, you know,
if she noticed anything about the way her friend responded,
or what she experiences when this happens, or you know,
just opportunities to kind of help broaden her vision of
what's actually happening, because because when we're excited about something,
we kind of miss everything right because it's all about me,
(09:43):
and the opportunity that we can have to encourage them
to look outside themselves and see what's going on around them.
It's those teachable moments that actually really help.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
So if I was again to build on that, my
feeling is that there's only so much that you can
protect your kids from, and and chances are she's going
to say something insensitive, She is going to offend some
upset somebody, tread on somebody's toes. My sense is that
generally friends will teach your daughter more than you will
(10:13):
teach your daughter. And as a parent, your job is
not to keep on trying to fix her. Your job
as a parent is absolute unconditionality. You can always say hey,
I noticed something, and I wouldn't mind having a chat
with you about it to see how you feel about
it or if you've observed it. But my sense is
that if you can give her that absolute unconditionality, the
(10:36):
friends will teach her and then when things go south,
which they no doubt will at some point, you can
be the soft space and say, well, what do we
learn from this? You don't have to teach the lessons.
You can help her to have her own discoveries and
she'll learn so much more as a result, because pain
can be a pretty good teacher. We grow through pain.
There's another idea that popped into my head as well,
(10:56):
and that is this, if you do feel like you
need to frame a conversation around this issue because it
is coming up a lot, and you're seeing the signals
and it's not just your embarrassment, like the signals are
really there, it's useful to frame this around being a
good friend and being inclusive. That that really piggybacks on
your cart will story rather than showing off, what can
we do to say, well, I have a level of
(11:17):
confidence here and I'd love to build your confidence as well.
There's really something in that Ultimately, raising kids is tricky,
and our children have got to learn how to become
socially aware and socially sophisticated and socially mature. And the
best way to do that, unfortunately, is by experience. Experience. Yeah,
(11:38):
and sometimes those experience as a positive, sometimes not so much.
If you can be there for her unconditionally, Joanna, I
think she's going to do great. And based on the
way that you spoke about her and the way that
you introduced this question, I think you're doing a great job.
I wish I wish that when I was a kid
that I had a mum who spoke about me the
way that you speak about her. It's really really special.
All right, we need to wrap it up there. Another
(11:59):
question next week. If you'd like to submit a tricky question.
Our super simple system is available at happyfamilies dot com
dot A. You you just click the record button and
start talking on the podcast page. Really that simple, or
send us a voice note. Podcasts at happy families dot
com dot AU. The Happy Families podcast. It's produced by
Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. We really appreciate Mim Hammonds
(12:21):
and the great work she does with research, admin and
other support around the pod as well. Thanks so much
for listening. We'll talk to you again tomorrow on the
pod where we are going to step carefully into a
conversation about school avoidance such a challenge. That's tomorrow on
the Happy Families Podcast. More info at happy families dot
(12:42):
com dot au.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
NFL Daily with Gregg Rosenthal
Gregg Rosenthal and a rotating crew of elite NFL Media co-hosts, including Patrick Claybon, Colleen Wolfe, Steve Wyche, Nick Shook and Jourdan Rodrigue of The Athletic get you caught up daily on all the NFL news and analysis you need to be smarter and funnier than your friends.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.