Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hi, and welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. My name's
doctor Justin Coulson. What do you do when your best
friend's partner is diagnosed with a terminal illness and you
need to help both your own child and in supporting
the family their children to navigate this devastating news. How
do you find the right words when sometimes it feels
(00:27):
like there are simply no right words or even actions.
That's what we're tackling on today's podcast. Stay with us. Hello,
Welcome to the Happy Families podcast. Real Parenting Solutions every day.
This is Australia's number one parenting podcast and a really
really tricky one. Today every Tuesday we tackle your tricky topics.
(00:49):
If you'd like to submit a question, go to the
super simple system at happyfamilies dot com dot AU press record,
leave us a note. It's that simple. Otherwise, you can
email your voice notes to podcasts at Happy families dot
com dot A You Kylie Today a tough one. An
anonymous listener whose voice we've changed, asks one of the
(01:10):
toughest questions.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
There is my best friend's husband, we're all forty forty
three forty four, has just been diagnosed with a brain
tumor and it's not oking good. They have three children
who are aged eight, twelve, and fourteen. So I guess
my question is how do you talk to your children
(01:35):
about when a parent has a really serious illness and
a terminal illness and how do you support them through that?
And for us, we only have one child who's seven,
and how do we talk to him about it as well?
I think it's a really complex issue. But maybe you've
(01:59):
got some really to go and helpful advice, but we
can work with and they can help other people out
who are going through something similar.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
Thanks very much, Kylie, that's the question today.
Speaker 3 (02:12):
I love that we've created a community where when we
have these struggles, we know where to come to ask
for help. And I love that this beautiful friend whose
heart is breaking alongside her friends, is desirous to find
a way to navigate this with not only her own child,
(02:34):
but with her friend's children as they they walk this really,
really challenging path together.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
Oh my goodness, I hear a question like that and
I just think life is so hard. Sometimes life's just
so hard. Some years ago, I took a call from
a mum and I'm pretty sure I told you about this.
She wanted to help her kids. They lost their dad
nine months prior. The circumstances were just tragic, and the
ladies two girls were working through that loss. She wanted
(03:01):
to help them because she just received a terminal cancer
diagnosis herself, and the kids were going to be left
without both their parents. We've grappled with these questions before,
both on the podcast and in real life, and today
we are going to be as helpful as we can
because we know that it's not just this mum who's
going through it. My sister recently lost a friend in
(03:21):
almost exactly the same circumstances.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
One of the hardest things about living life is the
recognition that with birth and all the joys that are
associated with that, in most circumstances, there's also the deep
sadness and sorrow that we experience when we farewell a
loved one.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
Yeah yeah, So today, two different responses. First off, let's
talk about what a family can do when they receive
this awful news, and then a conversation about how to
talk to your own kids about it and how they
can be helpful themselves. First off, if you're in a
family where horrible news like this is occurring, whether it's
directly within the family or even a little bit outside it.
(04:03):
First idea that I really want to emphasize is that
it's important that we tell the truth and that we
do it in age appropriate ways. Kids can handle difficult
truths way better than we think, but what they can't
handle particularly well at all is uncertainty and secrecy. I
think research is pretty clear on this. Kids who are
kept in the dark often imagine scenarios that are worse
(04:28):
than the reality. And on top of the fear and
anxiety and worry and apprehension that they're experiencing, they also
lose trust in the adults that are around them when
they sense that something's being hidden. So for an eight
year old, you might say something really simple, or a
five year old, you might say, Daddy has something called
a brain tumor, which is like a sickness in his head.
(04:49):
Or Auntie or Nan or whoever it is, they have
this sickness in their head, and the doctor is going
to do everything they can to help. But this is
a really serious illness and we don't know exactly what's
going to happen. But we'll always tell you the truth
about how Daddy's doing if the kids are older, let's
say twelve, fourteen, sixteen, I think not only can you,
it's important that you are more direct. Dad's tumor is
(05:11):
the kind that the doctors can't cure. We don't know
how long we have together, but we're going to make
sure that you know what's happening every step of the way,
and we're going to make sure that we make the
most of the time that we have that we're going
to keep it sacred and make it work. The key
is matching the information to your child's developmental stage, while
never lying or giving any kind of false hope.
Speaker 3 (05:33):
When you're dealing with such complex challenges and specifically heartache.
At this time, emotions are rampant. They're all over the place,
and when we're not able to at least acknowledge to
our children why there's all that emotion, it's so hard
for them to navigate because we're not who we usually
are with them as well. We're grappling with our own emotions,
(05:57):
and I just I think it's so important that we
actually are able to not only give them the details,
but share with them how we're feeling, help them to
recognize it it's okay to be sad right now, it's
okay to be really angry or I feel those things too,
Like acknowledging emotion is so powerful.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
The load that you carry will be heavier if you
try to keep it a secret. Yeah, and they're going
to see through it anyway. Tho I know something's going
on all right, misconnection. Well, I didn't interview anyone who
was going through something like this. These four hundred Australian
teenage girls that I interviewed and surveyed consistently highlighted that
one of the biggest concerns that they carry as adolescent
girls is knowing that there's something wrong with mum or dad,
(06:38):
or a sister or a brother or somebody and they
don't know the details. They said things like my parents
well being When I said, what do you worry about
the most? The second thing that I want to add
really quickly hear is when you're talking to your kids
about this and it's happening in your family, you want,
to the degree that it's possible maintain routine and maintain
(06:59):
rituals that you have or even create new ones. Kids
need anchors when things are upside down, so we want
to keep as much of their normal life and routine
in harmony with what it always has been. Just keep
it as consistent as possible, whether at school or sports
or friendships, because we're not going to be distracting them
from grief. What we're going to do instead is increase
(07:20):
their feeling that the world is still stable in these
domains when this core domain is absolutely rocking. But I
also like the idea of creating new rituals that are
going to help the family to stay connected during a
tough time. So it might be that we decide that
every Sunday morning is that special breakfast, or we have
these daily check ins where we're making sure that everyone's
(07:41):
doing okay and solving problems together.
Speaker 3 (07:44):
Oh, we come together at the end of the day
and list the things that we're grateful for. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
These rituals are going to give kids predictable times where
they get to connect, they get to process what's happening. Now.
If your kids need to support a friend, we'll talk
about how to help them them next. Okay, Kylie, let's
(08:09):
talk about what we can do when our children. Let's
say we've got a child who's five, six, seven, eight
and they want to support a friend who's going through
a hard time. I've just got two core ideas that
I want to share, and I'm sure that you'll have
some ideas to add as well. The first is that
we want to teach them to just be consistently caring
towards their friends. So a seven year old, for example,
(08:30):
is not going to be able to fix this situation.
But what they can do is they can show that
they care in really, really simple ways. So I'm looking
to help him to understand that his job isn't to
make his friend feel better, it's just to be a
good friend. When they feel like it's their job to
help someone to cheer up in a circumstance that where
that's impossible, that doesn't work, but just being a good
(08:52):
friend does. So playing together normally, sharing toys or outings,
going for a ride together, or even knowing when to
step in and give them a hug and say I'm
sorry that your mum or your dad or your parent
is sick, like those things are what good friends do.
I also, I have a script that I think is
useful here, something that you can teach him to practice,
(09:13):
saying I don't know what to say, but I care
about you, like if somebody just says that, what an impact.
Speaker 3 (09:19):
Well, even just acknowledging it looks like you're really sad today.
I don't know what to say, but I just want
you to know that I noticed.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
Yeah, I noticed you. I care about you. I can
tell you having a bad day. I mean a lot
of adults even struggle in that situation, So this will
be a useful script for adults as well. I don't
know what to say, but I really care about you.
I'm here for you. But giving kids permission to acknowledge
that will while still showing that they care, I think
is really valuable. The second thing that I wanted to
emphasize is this our job as adults is that if
(09:48):
we can support the adults, we're going to actually be
supporting our children and their children as well. So practical
support things like can I pick up the groceries for
you on Tuesday? Hope if I took the kids for
a few hours on Saturday? Do you and your husband
wife partner need some time, We'd love to support you
by looking after the kids and giving you a weekend
(10:09):
away or something like that. That kind of practical stuff
makes such a difference.
Speaker 3 (10:14):
I want to take that a little bit further. If
you're in a close relationship with someone it's not an
acquaintance from school and you know your kids play, but
you don't really know the parents, Like this is.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Your best friend, and you can hear from the voice
note that we've received that this is somebody who's closed,
this is really affecting.
Speaker 3 (10:32):
Then I think that it's actually well within the realms
of a caring friend to actually make some of those
decisions for them. We want to take the burden of
the cognitive load off them when people so.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Are you saying, like, just just show up on Thursday
night with dinner and say or at four o'clock give
them a call, don't worry about dinner tonight. I'm bringing
it around.
Speaker 3 (10:57):
Yeah. So I found myself in this exact situation. My
best friend rang me one night and told me that
her husband was being worked on by paramedics, and by
the time I got there, he passed away. And as
I watched her walk through the motions of life over
the next years, I mean years, This took years, and
(11:20):
still the one thing that she reiterated to me was
just the acknowledgment that people would ask her what she needed.
She had no idea what she needed, like she couldn't
even yeah, I think for herself, let alone think for
somebody else. And if somebody's able to see a need
and fill it without me having to think, then that's
(11:44):
the greatest gift.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
So what sort of thing? What did you do? And
I'm not going to steal your thunder. I want you
to actually describe what you did, because I didn't see
you for a few weeks, like you were absolutely just
doing so much to support our friend. What did you
specifically do?
Speaker 3 (12:00):
Because of the nature of it, she had lots of
people in and out of her house, so I pretty
much stayed in the kitchen. I managed all the food
that came in and out. I made sure that she
had meals because she would literally just greet people as
they would come in the doors. And this would happen
all day for days, for days and days and days,
And if I didn't put food in front of her,
(12:21):
she wouldn't have eaten and she wouldn't even have thought
to take a drink. You know, when your grief is
so deep, you don't think about the things that you
know you need to keep you going.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
So what's really going on here is this modeling, showing
up for somebody in a crisis, practical care, consistent presence,
allowing space for difficult emotions that come with these kinds
of situations. And what I think is also really useful
is saying, hey, your kids are welcome here. Our place
is a safe place for your kids. If you need
a break, if you just need some time out so
(12:55):
that you can be together as a couple, you can
have that time. Sometimes kids that are dealing with this
sort of thing in their home, they just need a
safe space where they can laugh and play and maybe forget,
at least temporarily about all the heavy things that are
going on in their lives. Take them for a walk
down to the park and buy ice creams and kick
a ball around and get them in nature and.
Speaker 3 (13:15):
That have a great big mama hug, like literally just
be enveloped.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
That kind of practical support makes I think, such a difference.
We really hope that there has been a helpful conversation.
We hope very much that things somehow can turn around
or at least be alleviated for families who are going
through these kinds of very very difficult situations. It's just
so tough. Next week, another tricky question. If you'd like
(13:40):
to submit yours for next time, happy families dot com
dot you record your message or send a voicemail to
podcasts at happy families dot com dot au. Big thanks
to Justin Rulin from Bridge Media for producing the pod. Memhammonds,
as always, looks after the research, the admin and resources.
Please share the pod, tell others about it, past this
episode along if you think it'll help, and visit happy
(14:01):
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