August 24, 2025 • 18 mins
A viral trend called “FAFO parenting” is exploding on TikTok and even making headlines in the Wall Street Journal. Advocates say it’s the antidote to “soft” parenting — let kids fuss around and find out the hard way. But is this tough-love comeback really preparing kids for life or setting them up for harm? In this episode, Justin and Kylie unpack the hype, the dangers, and the research-backed alternative every parent needs to hear.
In this episode:
- What FAFO (“Fuss Around and Find Out”) parenting actually looks like — and why it’s trending
- The three big claims FAFO parents make
- Why FAFO backfires
- The vital difference between natural consequences and manufactured hardships
- How “need-supportive parenting” builds resilience without breaking trust
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
“Discipline isn’t about hurting kids to prove a point. It’s about problem-solving so they can discover the lesson.”
RESOURCES MENTIONED
- Wall Street Journal article on FAFO parenting (subscription required)
- Alfie Kohn, Punished by Rewards
- More parenting resources: happyfamilies.com.au
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
- Resist the temptation to outsource learning to punishment.
- When mistakes happen, guide your child through problem-solving instead of powerplays.
- Protect the parent–child relationship — resilience grows best where trust is strong.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families podcast. Forget gentle parenting
and helicopter parenting and tiger parenting. There is a new
boss in town. And it goes by four letters that
would make your grandma blush. In fact, it goes by
four letters that I would even be uncomfortable with. So
I'm going to change the name already. It's called faffo
f a F parenting. That's the latest parenting style on
(00:29):
the block. The F stands for something that I'm not
going to say, so I'm going to say, fuss around
and find out. Fuss around and find out for those
who are keeping score at home. And yes, this parenting
style means that parents are literally throwing their kids in ponds,
making them buy their own underwear, letting them walk home
in thunderstorms. It's a tough love comeback. Is it what
(00:52):
parents the world over have been waiting for? Or has
the pendulum swung so far from gentle parenting that we've
landed in the middle of Lord of the Flies. Stick around,
because today we're diving deep into why this viral parenting
trend might be setting our kids up for exactly the
opposite of what we think we're teaching them. The Wall
Street Journal is making a noise about FAFO parenting. We'll
(01:13):
talk about it next. Stay with us.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
The newest trend on TikTok is fathole parenting, an acronym
for f around and find out what this trend is
talking about is the cause and effect method. Fafole parenting
is when a mom or dad doesn't come in for
the save, but rather, let's life teach the lesson.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
Hello thanks to joining us on a Happy Family podcast,
Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast, Real Parenting Solutions. Every single day.
We are Justin and Kylie Colson, parents have six kids
and today FAFA parenting under the Spotlight. Never had a
fafaux parent on parental guidance Kylie, Yeah, I'm.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
Just wondering whether or not they've all been to English classes.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Is this like, well, you've got fly in fly out,
that's fi FO and this is fatho fuss around and
find out. It's like when you look at your child
and you say you really want to do that, fuss
around and find out that's that kind of that's the
concept behind fafax parenting.
Speaker 3 (02:10):
It just think of it as the end, doesn't roll
off the tongue.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
No, well, I mean this is what social media does,
though it immense new periity styles. I'm looking at as
the antithesis of every gentle parenting Instagram post you've ever seen.
So gentle parenting like doctor Becky Kennedy says, validate feelings,
off the choices, and fafoux parents say, make a choice,
live with it. Okay, you've eaten a bad burrito. Too bad,
that's what you decided to eat. The Wall Street Journals
(02:37):
Ellen Gammerman over the last and we'll link to this
in the show notes. You will need a subscription to
get past the paywall. But she has profiled parents who
are embracing what they call natural consequences. It's not actually
natural consequences, let me be clear about that, but that's
what they're calling it. They've embraced it with a vengeance.
We're talking about a mum who threw her thirteen year
old in a pond when he sprayed it with a
water gun after he is told not to where talking
(03:00):
about a child psychologist pains me to say this one
a child psychologist who made her eight year old by
his own replacement underwear with his allowance after he had
some bathroom accidents and didn't seem to be learning. I
might just add in brackets. Turns out that it was
a medical issue. She apologized, but it highlights a concern
that I have with fafaux parenting that will address a
(03:20):
little bit later. Basically, fafaux parenting represents this really dramatic
shift that I think we've had. Gentle parenting has dominated
the parenting discourse for the last decade, and my take
on this is gentle parenting is just too hard and
that's why so many people complain about it so much.
But fafau parenting is just this dramatic shift from where
(03:41):
we've been to where I know a lot of parents
are feeling like they're supposed to go because gentle parenting
is so hard.
Speaker 3 (03:48):
This just feels like to me a bit of a
knee jerk reaction because parents are struggling to be emotionally regulated.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Yeah, and maybe there's too many of their parents who
were saying enough of this namby Pamby stuff. So let's
be clear. I'm not a gentle parenting advocate. I don't
like gentle parenting because I think it is too hard.
That's why I talk about need supportive parenting. Our approach,
my approach is completely different to gentle parenting. There's crossover,
but it's not the same thing. But this is just
a knee jerk reaction with people saying us stuff it.
(04:17):
The kids just need to do as they're told or
they'll suffer the consequences.
Speaker 3 (04:20):
Yeah, and it feels like to me in so many regards,
we're taking ten steps backwards in our efforts to help
our children recognize not only their own humanity, but the
humanity of everyone else around them.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
Yeah. So basically, connection before correction is out emotion regulation,
which is not that bothered about it anymore. Regulate your
own stupid emotions if you want to be that silly.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
There's this.
Speaker 1 (04:49):
I mean, it's quite confronting when you think about it.
FAFO parents, I would say, just saying, we tried being gentle,
our kids walked all over us. So now it's side
for some old school reality checks. That's how I'm seeing it.
The subtext really, gentle parenting has created a generation of
soft and entitled kids who can't handle the real world,
and FAFO is the pendulum swim, arriving coincidentally around about
(05:10):
the same time that Donald Trump becomes president. Yeah, just
putting that out there. But here's where it gets interesting
to me. And I think we need to dig deeper
than the viral TikTok takes. I want us to investigate
arguments both for and against FAFO, fuss around and find
out parenting. So I've put together a list of three
reasons that people might be for it, and then three
reasons that I'm against it, and what to do instead.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
Well, let's dig in what's number one?
Speaker 1 (05:35):
All right, I have my shovel. Let's start digging the
case for fatheau paring. And this is hard for me
because I don't love it. I have some really big reservations.
But this I think is the strongest argument of all
real world preparation. Real world preparation fatheaux parents do have
a point when they say that the world is not
a kind place. The world is not a gentle place.
Your boss is not going to validate your feelings when
(05:56):
you miss a deadline or when you don't shot up
for work. The bank isn't going to have empy before
you because you can't make your mortgage payment. So the
fa Feau line is basically I'm doing my kids a
favor by teaching them very very early that actions have
consequences period like no cushioning, no duos, no participation medals
for everybody. Really simple logic. Learn the lessons at home
where the stakes are low. Much better to do that
(06:18):
than out in the real world, where the stakes are
significantly higher and the pain is a lot greater.
Speaker 3 (06:24):
This just is insane to me what you're saying.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
No, I'm not saying I agree with that.
Speaker 3 (06:29):
I'm saying to understand, But the argument just sits so
uncomfortably with me, Because just because the rest of the
world is harsh and horrible, does that mean that I
have to follow the crowd and join in Like that
doesn't make any sense to me. I want to be
a soft and safe place for my kid. The rest
of the world isn't. They're not invested in my child
the way I am, So why would I want to
(06:50):
be anything other than a safe place for my kid?
Speaker 1 (06:53):
Yeah? Yeah, fundamentally, And this is coming up in part two.
But this is a misunderstanding about how boundaries work and
how problem discipline is really about problem solving. I've been
saying that ad nauseum for years now. But if we
can just get in our heads that discipline is not
about hurting our kids to teach them a lesson. Discipline
is about problem solving so that they can discover lessons.
Speaker 3 (07:15):
I remember when I got my very first job and
my boss was awful to me. She was really really
awful to me until I had a medical challenge and
she stepped up to the plate and she was amazing
and we got to have some really good conversations. And
at that point she actually shared with me that her
boss before her had been awful to her, and she
(07:39):
just assumed that.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
That's what boss did. One of my first bosses, I
actually had an exercise book and I used to take
notes of all the things to not do when I
was a boss because he was just awful. He was awful.
So being the soft place at home will definitely help,
I think. Anyway, that's the first argument. There was a
tough place the kids need to learn it where the
stake's are low at home.
Speaker 3 (07:59):
Sorry, I'm just putting holes in your arguments, but number two, this.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
Is going to be a long podcast if you keep
doing this, all right. The second argument that I think
that Fafeaux parents are making is that Fathau parenting requires
clear boundaries and expectations. There is something refreshingly straightforward about
fafaux parenting because you don't have to have any complex
emotional negotiations, you don't have to go through the endless explanations.
There's no bargaining with tiny terrorists. There als are really
(08:23):
clear immediate consequences. Everyone knows where they stand. And for
parents who are exhausted. So I watch gentle parents on
social media that are sort of making the argument this
is really hard, and I'm watching them even on parental guidance,
and I'm going, seriously, some parents they make it look
so so hard.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
Well there are no boundaries though.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
That's right, or they're being so soft that they're not
effective and doing boundaries the way that they need to
be done. And so fathaux parenting offers this simplicity. I
told you what would happen. You chose to test it
out here we are Yeah.
Speaker 3 (08:56):
For me, I just I think about this idea.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
You're going to argue about it again, I am this
is just the argument for it.
Speaker 3 (09:03):
I am because because we want to evaluate our performance
as a parent based on where our child is as
a ten year old or a five year old, or
a seven year old, or even a fifteen year old,
and we don't realize that we're in this for the
long game. This is a long game, and the experience
(09:23):
is that we're having with our children. They are really messy,
they're so messy, But it's what happens later. It's actually
what happens when they leave the house that makes the difference.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
You're going to enjoy the second half of this podcast
if we ever get to Okay, number three, I don't
want to rush you, but I know, I mean, this
is a podcast for time p or parents who just
want answers. The third and five, I.
Speaker 3 (09:44):
Want good answers. You're not giving me anything good yet.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Well, I'm just saying this is what FAFO parents would
be arguing, is why this works. The third one is
that it's going to be a resilience bill, to believe
it or not. In fact, some people in the Wall
Street Journal said to the author of this article, FAFAUX
advocates argue that constantly protecting kids from discomfort creates fragility,
not strength. When everything is cautioned and consequence free, how
(10:10):
to children learn to bounce back from setbacks. So basically,
these parents believe that if you can experience what they're
going to call manageable hardships like getting soaked in the
rain because you didn't bring your code, or going hungry
toil breakfast because you refuse to have dinner, builds genuine
gritten problem solving skills.
Speaker 3 (10:25):
Yeah. So does a kid that gets up at two
thirty in the morning to go and mark out stables
and do hard, hard work. Yes, yeah, and they do
it autonomously.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
I would also add that the evidence doesn't necessarily support that,
like it's good for kids to have manageable, age appropriate difficulties.
That is true, but I think that they're overinterpreting what
the research tells. So after the break, let's make you
feel better about life. I'll tell you why I don't
like FAFAU parenting. You've already explained why you don't and
why I don't think you should adopt it. Okay, Kylie,
(11:08):
the case against fafax parenting, even though it is the
new trend on TikTok and the Wall Street journals make
a big deal about it, and I have seen this
everywhere on social media over the last few weeks. This
article keeps on popping up and there are a lot
of parents who are saying, finally, we don't have to
keep on bubble wrapping our kids.
Speaker 3 (11:23):
To me again, this just says more about where they
are in their emotional journey than it is about the.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
Kids they wish. I mean, we've got six kids. Our
youngest is eleven, in her mid twenties. We have been
parenting for for nearly twenty six years. Yeah, nearly twenty
six years. Don't you just wish, knowing what we know now,
that we could go back and start again, Like if
you could implant the stuff that we've learned into our
brains as twenty something year olds having our first child,
(11:48):
we would do it so differently. We should do a
podcast on that what I would do differently.
Speaker 3 (11:52):
I just recently had a conversation with our daughter. She's
on camp and she's going through a really, really rough patch.
She rang me and I heard the with her in
a voice, and I was like, oh, darling, what's going on?
And so she started telling me all the things that
was just really.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
Hard about Before you go on FATHO, parents would say
you wanted to go to this school, you wanted to
go to this camp, this is what you this is
what you signed up for deal with it, like, stop winging,
just get on with it.
Speaker 3 (12:18):
And so I sat there and I listened, and I
suggested that what she was experiencing was hard.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
Yeah, And I.
Speaker 3 (12:24):
Also suggested that there were lots of things to look
forward to in the coming weeks that would mean that
this would pale into insignificance in time. And we got
to the end of the conversation and she said, Mamma,
really appreciate you picking up the phone and letting me talk.
I'm going to be okay, I've got this and I've
done much harder things than this before, but I'm so
glad I got to hear your voice.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
Yeah, that's awesome. That really should be our older better
tomorrow because that's such a good story. But that's the difference,
right FATHO parenting is you chose it, deal with the consequences.
You're not necessarily being a quote unquote gentle parent. What
you're doing is you're giving your child the opportunity to
just expect how they're feeling, and then after they've listen
to they go, Okay, I'm good, Now I can get
(13:06):
on with it.
Speaker 3 (13:06):
We recognize and know and understand that as we process emotions.
We're able to move through them all right without her
being able to talk about it. She just sits in
that place.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
That's right, ruminates, feels horrible. So and it's got to
be problem focused, right, like we're solving problems here. Let's
talk about the case against fafaux parenting. The first of
three big reasons that I don't like it why I
don't think you should adopt her as follow The first
one is this it damages the parent child relationship.
Speaker 3 (13:30):
Well, my daughter rings me, she's sad, she's upset, she's
having a hard time, and I tell it, suck it up, princess.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
She's not ringing you next time.
Speaker 3 (13:36):
She's not going to ring me. It's exactly not having
those conversations with me ever again.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
And this is what I think FAFAU parents might be missing.
Your relationship with the kids is the foundation for everything
else that happens in their life. And if you want
them to do resilient, the best way for them resilience
is actually about relationships first. When relationships are present, resilience
is the natural extension of good relationships because you've got
the soft space to fall back onto.
Speaker 3 (14:02):
You know someone's got your back. You know someone's championing
you on even when it's hard and it looks messy
and you're making a big mess of it.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
So when you become the opposite, the tough enough princess,
the enforcer of harsh consequences, rather than a guide or
a support system like you described a second ago, what
you do is you change that dynamic and kids start
seeing you as an adversary that they have to outmaneuver
instead of an ally that they can trust. And once
that trust is broken, good like getting them to talk
(14:28):
to you or come to you when they're actually in
trouble because trust it right, believing that you're going to
act in my best interest. If I say suck it up, princess,
I'm not acting in that kid's best interest. They know it.
They're not going to talk to me again.
Speaker 3 (14:40):
And they're going to go anywhere to find a soft
place anywhere. So that could be a school friend who's
not good for them. It could be another parent, it
could be another adult. You have no influence over them
once you've lost that relationship.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
Spot on, exactly right, what's number two?
Speaker 2 (14:57):
All right?
Speaker 1 (14:57):
The second reason that I think that we should not
adopt this is that again, it confuses, as I said
in the first half of this conversation, it confuses punishment
with learning boundaries, like it just muddles it all up.
So making your child go without lunch because they forgot
their lunch box, that doesn't teach them lunch preparedness. It
(15:19):
teaches that Mum and dad are going to let bad
things happen to prove a point. I mean, if this
is an ongoing issue, then we need to solve the problem.
I'm not suggesting that it's not a problem, and I'm
not suggesting that we should keep on running lunch boxes
up to school. Or if your child doesn't remember their
raincoat or their umbrella and you make them walk over
the thunderstorm, it doesn't teach weather preparedness. They're not going
to start checking the schedule that's not the schedule, the
(15:40):
forecast every day to make sure they've got the right
wet weather gear. It just teaches them parents will make
them suffer if they make decisions that just to prove
a point. Solving the problem means that we have conversations,
and I think this is the central thing. There's a
big difference between a natural consequence and manufactured hardship. Real learning,
(16:03):
it will happen through understanding cause and effect. But I
don't think that real learning happens through powerplays, and FAFO
seems to skip past the learning and goes straight to
the suffering ouch that urns.
Speaker 3 (16:16):
What's number three?
Speaker 1 (16:17):
The last one is that it just creates compliance, not character,
Like we want to raise kids with character. We want
to raise kids who are going to have integrity and
empathy and kindness, And no we don't and be on
the lookout.
Speaker 3 (16:29):
On their model.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
Okay, so FAFAU parenting is about producing obedient children. But
obedience is not the same as character. Obedience is not
the same as respect. Obedience is not the same as
good judgment. When kids behave primarily so they can avoid punishment,
they're not going to develop an internal moral compass. This
is something that alfie Con writes about beautifully and eloquently
and punished by rewards. Rewards and punishments undermine moral development
(16:56):
because kids aren't doing things for the right reasons. They're
doing things because they want to get the good or
avoid the nasty stuff. They just don't want to get caught.
They're developing smartest strategies, sweeping stuff under the rug, hiding
behind the couch so they don't get caught. The moment
that surveillance stops, all bets are off. We want kids
who are going to make good choices because they understand
why those choices matter, not because they're afraid of what
(17:19):
happens if they don't. So, in a nutshell, not a
fan of fafaux parenting. I don't think the Wall Street
Journal should have given it nearly the amount of air
that it got, And I'm disappointed that it's showing up
on so many parenting blogs and so many Instagram stories
because it's a bad parenting style and it doesn't support kids'
basic psychological needs. I guess that's a right, okay. The
(17:40):
Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media.
Mimhammon's provides admin research and other support. If you'd like
more information about fafaux parenting in jump into our show
notes you'll find all the details there. We're going to
turn this one into a blog as well and stick
it all over our socials and pop it up on
our Happy Family's website. So if you would like more
information and reas sources to make your family happier visit
(18:01):
happy families dot com dot au and if this will
help somebody else make their family happier, please share it
with
Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families podcast. Forget gentle parenting
and helicopter parenting and tiger parenting. There is a new
boss in town. And it goes by four letters that
would make your grandma blush. In fact, it goes by
four letters that I would even be uncomfortable with. So
I'm going to change the name already. It's called faffo
f a F parenting. That's the latest parenting style on
(00:29):
the block. The F stands for something that I'm not
going to say, so I'm going to say, fuss around
and find out. Fuss around and find out for those
who are keeping score at home. And yes, this parenting
style means that parents are literally throwing their kids in ponds,
making them buy their own underwear, letting them walk home
in thunderstorms. It's a tough love comeback. Is it what
(00:52):
parents the world over have been waiting for? Or has
the pendulum swung so far from gentle parenting that we've
landed in the middle of Lord of the Flies. Stick around,
because today we're diving deep into why this viral parenting
trend might be setting our kids up for exactly the
opposite of what we think we're teaching them. The Wall
Street Journal is making a noise about FAFO parenting. We'll
(01:13):
talk about it next. Stay with us.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
The newest trend on TikTok is fathole parenting, an acronym
for f around and find out what this trend is
talking about is the cause and effect method. Fafole parenting
is when a mom or dad doesn't come in for
the save, but rather, let's life teach the lesson.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
Hello thanks to joining us on a Happy Family podcast,
Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast, Real Parenting Solutions. Every single day.
We are Justin and Kylie Colson, parents have six kids
and today FAFA parenting under the Spotlight. Never had a
fafaux parent on parental guidance Kylie, Yeah, I'm.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
Just wondering whether or not they've all been to English classes.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Is this like, well, you've got fly in fly out,
that's fi FO and this is fatho fuss around and
find out. It's like when you look at your child
and you say you really want to do that, fuss
around and find out that's that kind of that's the
concept behind fafax parenting.
Speaker 3 (02:10):
It just think of it as the end, doesn't roll
off the tongue.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
No, well, I mean this is what social media does,
though it immense new periity styles. I'm looking at as
the antithesis of every gentle parenting Instagram post you've ever seen.
So gentle parenting like doctor Becky Kennedy says, validate feelings,
off the choices, and fafoux parents say, make a choice,
live with it. Okay, you've eaten a bad burrito. Too bad,
that's what you decided to eat. The Wall Street Journals
(02:37):
Ellen Gammerman over the last and we'll link to this
in the show notes. You will need a subscription to
get past the paywall. But she has profiled parents who
are embracing what they call natural consequences. It's not actually
natural consequences, let me be clear about that, but that's
what they're calling it. They've embraced it with a vengeance.
We're talking about a mum who threw her thirteen year
old in a pond when he sprayed it with a
water gun after he is told not to where talking
(03:00):
about a child psychologist pains me to say this one
a child psychologist who made her eight year old by
his own replacement underwear with his allowance after he had
some bathroom accidents and didn't seem to be learning. I
might just add in brackets. Turns out that it was
a medical issue. She apologized, but it highlights a concern
that I have with fafaux parenting that will address a
(03:20):
little bit later. Basically, fafaux parenting represents this really dramatic
shift that I think we've had. Gentle parenting has dominated
the parenting discourse for the last decade, and my take
on this is gentle parenting is just too hard and
that's why so many people complain about it so much.
But fafau parenting is just this dramatic shift from where
(03:41):
we've been to where I know a lot of parents
are feeling like they're supposed to go because gentle parenting
is so hard.
Speaker 3 (03:48):
This just feels like to me a bit of a
knee jerk reaction because parents are struggling to be emotionally regulated.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Yeah, and maybe there's too many of their parents who
were saying enough of this namby Pamby stuff. So let's
be clear. I'm not a gentle parenting advocate. I don't
like gentle parenting because I think it is too hard.
That's why I talk about need supportive parenting. Our approach,
my approach is completely different to gentle parenting. There's crossover,
but it's not the same thing. But this is just
a knee jerk reaction with people saying us stuff it.
(04:17):
The kids just need to do as they're told or
they'll suffer the consequences.
Speaker 3 (04:20):
Yeah, and it feels like to me in so many regards,
we're taking ten steps backwards in our efforts to help
our children recognize not only their own humanity, but the
humanity of everyone else around them.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
Yeah. So basically, connection before correction is out emotion regulation,
which is not that bothered about it anymore. Regulate your
own stupid emotions if you want to be that silly.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
There's this.
Speaker 1 (04:49):
I mean, it's quite confronting when you think about it.
FAFO parents, I would say, just saying, we tried being gentle,
our kids walked all over us. So now it's side
for some old school reality checks. That's how I'm seeing it.
The subtext really, gentle parenting has created a generation of
soft and entitled kids who can't handle the real world,
and FAFO is the pendulum swim, arriving coincidentally around about
(05:10):
the same time that Donald Trump becomes president. Yeah, just
putting that out there. But here's where it gets interesting
to me. And I think we need to dig deeper
than the viral TikTok takes. I want us to investigate
arguments both for and against FAFO, fuss around and find
out parenting. So I've put together a list of three
reasons that people might be for it, and then three
reasons that I'm against it, and what to do instead.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
Well, let's dig in what's number one?
Speaker 1 (05:35):
All right, I have my shovel. Let's start digging the
case for fatheau paring. And this is hard for me
because I don't love it. I have some really big reservations.
But this I think is the strongest argument of all
real world preparation. Real world preparation fatheaux parents do have
a point when they say that the world is not
a kind place. The world is not a gentle place.
Your boss is not going to validate your feelings when
(05:56):
you miss a deadline or when you don't shot up
for work. The bank isn't going to have empy before
you because you can't make your mortgage payment. So the
fa Feau line is basically I'm doing my kids a
favor by teaching them very very early that actions have
consequences period like no cushioning, no duos, no participation medals
for everybody. Really simple logic. Learn the lessons at home
where the stakes are low. Much better to do that
(06:18):
than out in the real world, where the stakes are
significantly higher and the pain is a lot greater.
Speaker 3 (06:24):
This just is insane to me what you're saying.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
No, I'm not saying I agree with that.
Speaker 3 (06:29):
I'm saying to understand, But the argument just sits so
uncomfortably with me, Because just because the rest of the
world is harsh and horrible, does that mean that I
have to follow the crowd and join in Like that
doesn't make any sense to me. I want to be
a soft and safe place for my kid. The rest
of the world isn't. They're not invested in my child
the way I am, So why would I want to
(06:50):
be anything other than a safe place for my kid?
Speaker 1 (06:53):
Yeah? Yeah, fundamentally, And this is coming up in part two.
But this is a misunderstanding about how boundaries work and
how problem discipline is really about problem solving. I've been
saying that ad nauseum for years now. But if we
can just get in our heads that discipline is not
about hurting our kids to teach them a lesson. Discipline
is about problem solving so that they can discover lessons.
Speaker 3 (07:15):
I remember when I got my very first job and
my boss was awful to me. She was really really
awful to me until I had a medical challenge and
she stepped up to the plate and she was amazing
and we got to have some really good conversations. And
at that point she actually shared with me that her
boss before her had been awful to her, and she
(07:39):
just assumed that.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
That's what boss did. One of my first bosses, I
actually had an exercise book and I used to take
notes of all the things to not do when I
was a boss because he was just awful. He was awful.
So being the soft place at home will definitely help,
I think. Anyway, that's the first argument. There was a
tough place the kids need to learn it where the
stake's are low at home.
Speaker 3 (07:59):
Sorry, I'm just putting holes in your arguments, but number two, this.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
Is going to be a long podcast if you keep
doing this, all right. The second argument that I think
that Fafeaux parents are making is that Fathau parenting requires
clear boundaries and expectations. There is something refreshingly straightforward about
fafaux parenting because you don't have to have any complex
emotional negotiations, you don't have to go through the endless explanations.
There's no bargaining with tiny terrorists. There als are really
(08:23):
clear immediate consequences. Everyone knows where they stand. And for
parents who are exhausted. So I watch gentle parents on
social media that are sort of making the argument this
is really hard, and I'm watching them even on parental guidance,
and I'm going, seriously, some parents they make it look
so so hard.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
Well there are no boundaries though.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
That's right, or they're being so soft that they're not
effective and doing boundaries the way that they need to
be done. And so fathaux parenting offers this simplicity. I
told you what would happen. You chose to test it
out here we are Yeah.
Speaker 3 (08:56):
For me, I just I think about this idea.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
You're going to argue about it again, I am this
is just the argument for it.
Speaker 3 (09:03):
I am because because we want to evaluate our performance
as a parent based on where our child is as
a ten year old or a five year old, or
a seven year old, or even a fifteen year old,
and we don't realize that we're in this for the
long game. This is a long game, and the experience
(09:23):
is that we're having with our children. They are really messy,
they're so messy, But it's what happens later. It's actually
what happens when they leave the house that makes the difference.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
You're going to enjoy the second half of this podcast
if we ever get to Okay, number three, I don't
want to rush you, but I know, I mean, this
is a podcast for time p or parents who just
want answers. The third and five, I.
Speaker 3 (09:44):
Want good answers. You're not giving me anything good yet.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Well, I'm just saying this is what FAFO parents would
be arguing, is why this works. The third one is
that it's going to be a resilience bill, to believe
it or not. In fact, some people in the Wall
Street Journal said to the author of this article, FAFAUX
advocates argue that constantly protecting kids from discomfort creates fragility,
not strength. When everything is cautioned and consequence free, how
(10:10):
to children learn to bounce back from setbacks. So basically,
these parents believe that if you can experience what they're
going to call manageable hardships like getting soaked in the
rain because you didn't bring your code, or going hungry
toil breakfast because you refuse to have dinner, builds genuine
gritten problem solving skills.
Speaker 3 (10:25):
Yeah. So does a kid that gets up at two
thirty in the morning to go and mark out stables
and do hard, hard work. Yes, yeah, and they do
it autonomously.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
I would also add that the evidence doesn't necessarily support that,
like it's good for kids to have manageable, age appropriate difficulties.
That is true, but I think that they're overinterpreting what
the research tells. So after the break, let's make you
feel better about life. I'll tell you why I don't
like FAFAU parenting. You've already explained why you don't and
why I don't think you should adopt it. Okay, Kylie,
(11:08):
the case against fafax parenting, even though it is the
new trend on TikTok and the Wall Street journals make
a big deal about it, and I have seen this
everywhere on social media over the last few weeks. This
article keeps on popping up and there are a lot
of parents who are saying, finally, we don't have to
keep on bubble wrapping our kids.
Speaker 3 (11:23):
To me again, this just says more about where they
are in their emotional journey than it is about the.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
Kids they wish. I mean, we've got six kids. Our
youngest is eleven, in her mid twenties. We have been
parenting for for nearly twenty six years. Yeah, nearly twenty
six years. Don't you just wish, knowing what we know now,
that we could go back and start again, Like if
you could implant the stuff that we've learned into our
brains as twenty something year olds having our first child,
(11:48):
we would do it so differently. We should do a
podcast on that what I would do differently.
Speaker 3 (11:52):
I just recently had a conversation with our daughter. She's
on camp and she's going through a really, really rough patch.
She rang me and I heard the with her in
a voice, and I was like, oh, darling, what's going on?
And so she started telling me all the things that
was just really.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
Hard about Before you go on FATHO, parents would say
you wanted to go to this school, you wanted to
go to this camp, this is what you this is
what you signed up for deal with it, like, stop winging,
just get on with it.
Speaker 3 (12:18):
And so I sat there and I listened, and I
suggested that what she was experiencing was hard.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
Yeah, And I.
Speaker 3 (12:24):
Also suggested that there were lots of things to look
forward to in the coming weeks that would mean that
this would pale into insignificance in time. And we got
to the end of the conversation and she said, Mamma,
really appreciate you picking up the phone and letting me talk.
I'm going to be okay, I've got this and I've
done much harder things than this before, but I'm so
glad I got to hear your voice.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
Yeah, that's awesome. That really should be our older better
tomorrow because that's such a good story. But that's the difference,
right FATHO parenting is you chose it, deal with the consequences.
You're not necessarily being a quote unquote gentle parent. What
you're doing is you're giving your child the opportunity to
just expect how they're feeling, and then after they've listen
to they go, Okay, I'm good, Now I can get
(13:06):
on with it.
Speaker 3 (13:06):
We recognize and know and understand that as we process emotions.
We're able to move through them all right without her
being able to talk about it. She just sits in
that place.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
That's right, ruminates, feels horrible. So and it's got to
be problem focused, right, like we're solving problems here. Let's
talk about the case against fafaux parenting. The first of
three big reasons that I don't like it why I
don't think you should adopt her as follow The first
one is this it damages the parent child relationship.
Speaker 3 (13:30):
Well, my daughter rings me, she's sad, she's upset, she's
having a hard time, and I tell it, suck it up, princess.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
She's not ringing you next time.
Speaker 3 (13:36):
She's not going to ring me. It's exactly not having
those conversations with me ever again.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
And this is what I think FAFAU parents might be missing.
Your relationship with the kids is the foundation for everything
else that happens in their life. And if you want
them to do resilient, the best way for them resilience
is actually about relationships first. When relationships are present, resilience
is the natural extension of good relationships because you've got
the soft space to fall back onto.
Speaker 3 (14:02):
You know someone's got your back. You know someone's championing
you on even when it's hard and it looks messy
and you're making a big mess of it.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
So when you become the opposite, the tough enough princess,
the enforcer of harsh consequences, rather than a guide or
a support system like you described a second ago, what
you do is you change that dynamic and kids start
seeing you as an adversary that they have to outmaneuver
instead of an ally that they can trust. And once
that trust is broken, good like getting them to talk
(14:28):
to you or come to you when they're actually in
trouble because trust it right, believing that you're going to
act in my best interest. If I say suck it up, princess,
I'm not acting in that kid's best interest. They know it.
They're not going to talk to me again.
Speaker 3 (14:40):
And they're going to go anywhere to find a soft
place anywhere. So that could be a school friend who's
not good for them. It could be another parent, it
could be another adult. You have no influence over them
once you've lost that relationship.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
Spot on, exactly right, what's number two?
Speaker 2 (14:57):
All right?
Speaker 1 (14:57):
The second reason that I think that we should not
adopt this is that again, it confuses, as I said
in the first half of this conversation, it confuses punishment
with learning boundaries, like it just muddles it all up.
So making your child go without lunch because they forgot
their lunch box, that doesn't teach them lunch preparedness. It
(15:19):
teaches that Mum and dad are going to let bad
things happen to prove a point. I mean, if this
is an ongoing issue, then we need to solve the problem.
I'm not suggesting that it's not a problem, and I'm
not suggesting that we should keep on running lunch boxes
up to school. Or if your child doesn't remember their
raincoat or their umbrella and you make them walk over
the thunderstorm, it doesn't teach weather preparedness. They're not going
to start checking the schedule that's not the schedule, the
(15:40):
forecast every day to make sure they've got the right
wet weather gear. It just teaches them parents will make
them suffer if they make decisions that just to prove
a point. Solving the problem means that we have conversations,
and I think this is the central thing. There's a
big difference between a natural consequence and manufactured hardship. Real learning,
(16:03):
it will happen through understanding cause and effect. But I
don't think that real learning happens through powerplays, and FAFO
seems to skip past the learning and goes straight to
the suffering ouch that urns.
Speaker 3 (16:16):
What's number three?
Speaker 1 (16:17):
The last one is that it just creates compliance, not character,
Like we want to raise kids with character. We want
to raise kids who are going to have integrity and
empathy and kindness, And no we don't and be on
the lookout.
Speaker 3 (16:29):
On their model.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
Okay, so FAFAU parenting is about producing obedient children. But
obedience is not the same as character. Obedience is not
the same as respect. Obedience is not the same as
good judgment. When kids behave primarily so they can avoid punishment,
they're not going to develop an internal moral compass. This
is something that alfie Con writes about beautifully and eloquently
and punished by rewards. Rewards and punishments undermine moral development
(16:56):
because kids aren't doing things for the right reasons. They're
doing things because they want to get the good or
avoid the nasty stuff. They just don't want to get caught.
They're developing smartest strategies, sweeping stuff under the rug, hiding
behind the couch so they don't get caught. The moment
that surveillance stops, all bets are off. We want kids
who are going to make good choices because they understand
why those choices matter, not because they're afraid of what
(17:19):
happens if they don't. So, in a nutshell, not a
fan of fafaux parenting. I don't think the Wall Street
Journal should have given it nearly the amount of air
that it got, And I'm disappointed that it's showing up
on so many parenting blogs and so many Instagram stories
because it's a bad parenting style and it doesn't support kids'
basic psychological needs. I guess that's a right, okay. The
(17:40):
Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media.
Mimhammon's provides admin research and other support. If you'd like
more information about fafaux parenting in jump into our show
notes you'll find all the details there. We're going to
turn this one into a blog as well and stick
it all over our socials and pop it up on
our Happy Family's website. So if you would like more
information and reas sources to make your family happier visit
(18:01):
happy families dot com dot au and if this will
help somebody else make their family happier, please share it
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