October 27, 2025 • 14 mins
When your child has to come first—whether it’s up the stairs or at bedtime—it can drive the whole family mad. But there’s more behind that competitiveness than you might think. In this episode, Justin and Kylie unpack what’s really going on when kids can’t handle losing, and how to guide them toward healthy confidence instead of constant comparison.
KEY POINTS:
- Why competition and young kids don’t mix
- The developmental stages that make “winning” feel like a need, not a want
- How competence and self-worth get tangled together
- Simple strategies to help kids lose gracefully—and win kindly
- Why home should be a safe space to “win” without pressure
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:
“For me to feel good, I shouldn’t have to make you feel bad. That’s the problem with competition for young kids.”
RESOURCES MENTIONED:
- What Your Child Needs From You by Dr Justin Coulson
- 10 Things Every Parent Needs to Know by Dr Justin Coulson
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:
- Relax—it’s normal for young kids to want to win.
- Play low-stakes games to help them practise losing.
- Model losing (and winning) with grace.Teach them to find joy in helping others shine.
- Let life be the teacher—your job is to provide a soft landing.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Okay, Mike drop moment. I'm going to say it and
people are gonna hate me for it, but here we go, Kylie.
Competition and kids, they don't mix. Little kids don't do
well with competition. It's provocative, it's sensationalistic. But kids don't
love competition. I've said it.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
What do you mean they don't love it? We're going
every child who ever existed this competitive.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Just because they're competitive doesn't mean it's good for them,
and it certainly doesn't mean that they like it.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Hello.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Welcome to the Happy Families podcast, Real Parenting Solutions every day.
This is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. And after the
break we answer one of your tricky questions. This one
comes from Emma in New South Wales who wants to
know what to do about a five year old who
has to win everything. If you have competitive kids, you
don't want to miss this. Stay with us. Hello, Welcome
(00:55):
to the Happy Families Podcast, Real Parenting Solutions, every single
day on Australia's most downloaded any podcasts. We are Justin
and Kylie Coulson. We're the parents of six daughters.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
Are you being competitive?
Speaker 1 (01:06):
Well, it's pretty rare that I get beaten on that one.
I have to say, although I was in Perth couple
of weeks ago and somebody had eight kids and I
just I stood there and bowed down to the moment.
What else could I do?
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Yeah, I would bow down.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
That's pretty impressive today a conversation that I think is
really important. Oh, by the way, I should finish the
intro and get through the formalities. If you would like
to submit a tricky question every Tuesday, we answer them
on the podcast about anything that you want to talk about. Like,
we mainly focus on parenting stuff, but we will literally
answer any question about anything. Happy families dot com dot au.
(01:41):
Just scroll down to the super simple system where it
says podcasts, you click the record button, you start talking.
Just like Emma from New South Wales, I have.
Speaker 3 (01:51):
A five year old girl. She's my oldest and she's
currently in kindergarten. She is currently obsessed with coming first.
We've tried to speak with her about how you can't
always come first and you need to share things and
all that sort of stuff, but it doesn't seem to
be working. It happens quite often, even just going up
the stairs to go to bed, she has to be
(02:13):
first up the stairs. If she isn't, she'll start to
cry and eventually tantrum. Any suggestions on how we can
help her process this.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Thanks, Okay, Kylie, I got to go first on this one.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Well, I'm curious because I'm trying to work out what
advice you're going to give.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
I thought you were going to fight with me and
say non, no, no, because you are the competitive one
in our hunt.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
Well, there's nothing better than making it up the hill
on my bike as I fly past you and leave
you lagging.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
You had to bring that up, didn't you.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
Yeah, it feels really good. So, Emma, I'm with your daughter.
There is something joyful about that moment.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
We've lived this with six daughters. Before we answer the
question about just a moment of empathy for you and
any other parent who's children have insisted on being the
first one to.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
Push and the lights off.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
Yeah, push the button, but I want to push the button.
I'm having the first shower. No, I'm having the first shower.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Brutal. Yeah, card games never ever, we play games and
the cheating the things.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
What about the pedestrian crossing? I got to push the
button so I can cross at the crossing when the
kids be younger. I mean, it's just I want to
be the first one down the slide. I want to
be the first one on the swing. This is this
is kids, all right. There's a couple of things that
we need to talk about here. I want to talk
about why in the first part of this podcast. Well,
I guess the.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
First thing to tell Emma is the acknowledgment that her
daughter is exactly where she's supposed to be.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Yeah, this is normal.
Speaker 4 (03:48):
This is so normal. You've got siblings, she does the eldest.
Oh yeah, how's my listening skills. See, I'm getting excited
about what I want to talk about. So there's a
couple of developmental realities here that we should discuss. The
first one has to do with the Swiss psychologist Jean
Pierging and some of his brilliant, brilliant insights. So he
(04:10):
developed this four stage developmental model, Kylie, and what we're
talking about at the age of five is a child
transitioning from what's known as pre operational thinking to concrete
operational thinking. And this is really at the crux of
what we're discussing.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
That's some big words.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
I'm sorry, Okay, pre operational thinking, so pre operational. This
is typically ages. I'm going to say two or three
through to six or seven, okay thereabouts, So coming to
the end of this stage. Now with a five year old,
there's something called conservation. So I can have five M
and ms all bundled up in my hand really tight,
(04:46):
or I can spread them out on the counter and
they're still five. But you know, like kids, they'll see
a small bundle of things, I'll see things spread out.
They don't understand that it's the same thing. One thing
looks bigger, so therefore it is bigger, right.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
Yeah. That just reminded me of how many times there's
been fights over who gets the biggest piece of cake
or slice.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
The way that I've always resolved that is you cut it,
the other person chooses, yeah, which piece.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
Yeah, but I understand what you're saying, unless they look
exactly the same, ye to a child, Like we've got
two different sized glasses in our house.
Speaker 1 (05:22):
Yes, and they hold the same amount.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
Of exactly the same amount.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
But one's short and one's tall and skinny.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
Yeah yeah, but they will pick the big glass every
time because.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
They're convinced they're getting more.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, So that's conservation of matter, and in
pre operational thinking. Another thing in pre operational thinking is
the understanding, well, as you move out of pre operational thinking,
you begin to understand that more than one think can
be true at once. And with younger kids, they really
struggle with that. So first is binary, First is concrete.
First is absolute, And at the age of five, it's
(05:58):
really hard to hold onto this nuanced idea that I
don't win the race up the stairs, or I don't
get to turn the light off, and I'm still a
capable person, or I'm still a good person, or I'm
still competent.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
Yeah, and I think that that's true for so many
of us. We tie our worth up in results.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
Yeah to her performance exactly. Yeah, yeah, Yeah. There's also
something else going on developmentally here. She's still pretty egocentric.
Egocentrism sort of peaks that around about somewhere around that
pre operational stage, somewhere between two three four, But there's
still a bit of it at five. I mean, I
know plenty of adults and a lot of teenagers that
are pretty egocentric as well, but this is when it
(06:40):
really peaks, which means that she's going to struggle to
take other people's perspectives. She doesn't have this concept of
why they might also want to be first, because it's
all about her, and at this age they're just so
black and white. Now as they move into concrete, operational thinking,
the other big word that I used this is where
they start to become a bit more capable. They're still
super inflexible, super super rigid, but they start to just
(07:01):
relax a little bit more into some of these ideas
and they become a little bit more cognitively flexible. The
other thing that I really wanted to highlight Kylie is
we talk about all the time basic psychological needs. Competence
is a basic psychological need, and kids just want to
look competent, and the best way to look competent is
to win. Come first. If I can, Oh my goodness,
(07:24):
If I can win, then I am competent, and kids
just they look for observable evidence of competence all the time.
If she doesn't come first, it's not just disappointment. It
feels like it's a need threat and she doesn't know
if she can be capable and effective, and it triggers
(07:45):
that distress response, which for her is really genuine. Probably
also worth just highlighting emotion regulation still pretty low at
this point. It develops across time, and kids don't get
good at emotional regulation in most circumstances most of the
time until about the age of eight, nine, maybe even ten.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
Nine did you say eight?
Speaker 1 (08:05):
Maybe even ten? So they're the three main reasons, Emma,
that this is occurring why kids are so competitive at
this age. And it does get better, but it doesn't
get a lot better for the next few years. Kylie,
what age would you say our children stop being competitive?
They've got you for a dad.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
There's no.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
Says the mum who just relishes beating me up right
on the bike, getting up the hill fast. Hey, after
the break, let's talk about what to do. You're back.
This is the Happy Families podcast. What do you do
when you've got a super competitive child? Kylie? I've got
a handful of ideas, But before we jump into my ideas,
(08:47):
do you have anything that really stands out to you
with something that we have done so effectively to curtailing
and effectiveness of our children.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
I'm sorry, I'm laughing, So you don't have.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
Any good ideas. I guess my ideas are better. I'm
going to go first, again, you're gonna tell me to
go or have you got something for us?
Speaker 2 (09:08):
You win?
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Okay, let's go. First of all, relax, it's normal, it's appropriate,
it's developmentally standard. Relax. If you fight against nature, you
are going to lose. Nature wins all the time. Nature wins.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
So when I think about what she's shared, she has
suggested that this is her oldest daughter. So there are
other children. We're not sure how many, but there are
other children. And at this point I would say that
it's probably not having a huge impact on them.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
Too young.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
They're too young, So life is going to teach her
this lesson.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
I shouldn't say they're too you know, and they don't care.
They probably do care. But at this point she's going
to win and make the most noise about it.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
Yeah, and life will teach.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Them, and so it might not be something that you
have to stress about so much at the moment.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
Yeah, I don't think that it is. In fact, My
last point is I'm going to wrap up with a
little bit more on that. My second point is this
play games, play games regularly, and let her lose and
win in low stakes environments.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
So for me, I think one of the things that
would help as well is if you're going to bed
and you know that getting to the top of the
stairs and winning is the most important thing. Changing it
up and saying I'm wondering how slow you can go,
like can you be as slow as a snail as
you go up the stairs, and just giving her different
(10:30):
actions to do the different tasks that require her to
actually slow down.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
The third thing that I was going to suggest is
to model losing well, so if you lose something, you
don't have a dumby spit. Make sure that she's got
good models of losing, but also model winning well. And
this is probably antithetical to what most people would think. Again,
I started the podcast with the microp moment, I'm going
to kind of move towards a wrap up with the
same thing. I'm pretty anti competitive. I don't really love competition,
(11:00):
and the main reason is that for me to feel good,
I have to make you feel bad. So young kids
they don't get when like Kylie, I don't care. I
love seeing you beat me up the hill. I get
so much joy from it when I see that you've
gone from not wanting to ride a bike at all
to writing with so much confidence and so much power
and so much panache that you can raise me up
(11:22):
the hill and beat me like. It makes me happy
to see you win. I don't feel like I'm less
of a person for losing. And I think that when
kids can see that model his stories like that, We've
got this crazy idea in our society that competition is
always good. That's in that positive But for the competition
is based on the premise that for me to feel
good about myself, you have to feel bad about yourself,
(11:42):
that I have to make you lose. I have to
make you suffer, I have to grind you into the ground.
I have to win. You have to lose. Someone's going
to be sad here. It's not going to be me.
That's probably an overstated and maybe even caricaturistic view of competition,
but in many ways that's what happens even in the
adult world. That is the world we live in.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
And if our worth is tied up in our performance space,
then we are always going to be feeling.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
Like we're intacting.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
Yeah, because there is always there's always someone better.
Speaker 4 (12:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
I'd start to teach her the value of serving rather
than winning. You can feel better about yourself helping other
people to shine, you can feel better about yourself.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
Help you two year old walk up the stairs? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (12:21):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (12:21):
Can you help them to beat you? What kind of
a head start do they need? What kind of things
can you do to support them to become more confident themselves?
And the last thing that I was going to say
is just let her win. Let her win as much
as she wants. Who cares the playground and the horribleness
of life will teach her one way or another. But
the stakes are low at home, and she can have
(12:43):
a sough place to land at home, and you can
have lots of really good chats at home when all
this stuff happens. I think there's more value in letting
her learn to lose on purpose and letting her learn
to lose with a big heart and a desire to
serve and support and help others. I like to subvert
the idea that competition is going to be of benefit
(13:03):
to kids. But it's really hard to teach them that.
It takes years and lots and lots of chats. But
hopefully this has been helpful. Now do you want the
last word or should I have it?
Speaker 2 (13:14):
What have you got for me?
Speaker 1 (13:15):
I can't believe you called my bluff. I've got nothing.
I've said everything I had to say. You in you
keep on doing it to me, and now I feel bad,
But you feel good. Elition right there.
Speaker 3 (13:25):
Good for you.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
I'm so glad I get to help you shine. If
you've got a tricky question, get in touch with us.
We would love to hear from you. Just go to
Happy families dot com dot au and press the record
button start talking. It's our super simple system. Alternatively, you
can send us a voice note to podcasts at happy
families dot com dot Au. Another tricky question coming up
next week tomorrow. Oh my goodness, an interview tomorrow that
(13:47):
I am so pumped for Professor Gene Twangy, one of
the world's leading experts on everything to do with kids
and tech and screens. And she's talking to me for
as much time as I could get out of her
to talk about her brand new book. Oh my goodness,
it's gonna be such a good one. Join us tomorrow
for that. Please, this will be one you do not
want to miss. The Happy Family's podcast is produced by
(14:08):
Justin Rouland from Bridge Media. Nim Hammonds provides research, admin
and other support and if you'd like more info to
make your family happier and to help with the kind
of challenges that we discussed for Emma today. Please check
out my book What Your Child Needs from You or
Ten Things Every Parent Needs to Know. Both of those
will help you enormously with these kinds of challenges. You
(14:30):
can get them wherever books are sold, or at happy
families dot com dot a
Okay, Mike drop moment. I'm going to say it and
people are gonna hate me for it, but here we go, Kylie.
Competition and kids, they don't mix. Little kids don't do
well with competition. It's provocative, it's sensationalistic. But kids don't
love competition. I've said it.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
What do you mean they don't love it? We're going
every child who ever existed this competitive.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Just because they're competitive doesn't mean it's good for them,
and it certainly doesn't mean that they like it.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Hello.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Welcome to the Happy Families podcast, Real Parenting Solutions every day.
This is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. And after the
break we answer one of your tricky questions. This one
comes from Emma in New South Wales who wants to
know what to do about a five year old who
has to win everything. If you have competitive kids, you
don't want to miss this. Stay with us. Hello, Welcome
(00:55):
to the Happy Families Podcast, Real Parenting Solutions, every single
day on Australia's most downloaded any podcasts. We are Justin
and Kylie Coulson. We're the parents of six daughters.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
Are you being competitive?
Speaker 1 (01:06):
Well, it's pretty rare that I get beaten on that one.
I have to say, although I was in Perth couple
of weeks ago and somebody had eight kids and I
just I stood there and bowed down to the moment.
What else could I do?
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Yeah, I would bow down.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
That's pretty impressive today a conversation that I think is
really important. Oh, by the way, I should finish the
intro and get through the formalities. If you would like
to submit a tricky question every Tuesday, we answer them
on the podcast about anything that you want to talk about. Like,
we mainly focus on parenting stuff, but we will literally
answer any question about anything. Happy families dot com dot au.
(01:41):
Just scroll down to the super simple system where it
says podcasts, you click the record button, you start talking.
Just like Emma from New South Wales, I have.
Speaker 3 (01:51):
A five year old girl. She's my oldest and she's
currently in kindergarten. She is currently obsessed with coming first.
We've tried to speak with her about how you can't
always come first and you need to share things and
all that sort of stuff, but it doesn't seem to
be working. It happens quite often, even just going up
the stairs to go to bed, she has to be
(02:13):
first up the stairs. If she isn't, she'll start to
cry and eventually tantrum. Any suggestions on how we can
help her process this.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Thanks, Okay, Kylie, I got to go first on this one.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Well, I'm curious because I'm trying to work out what
advice you're going to give.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
I thought you were going to fight with me and
say non, no, no, because you are the competitive one
in our hunt.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
Well, there's nothing better than making it up the hill
on my bike as I fly past you and leave
you lagging.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
You had to bring that up, didn't you.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
Yeah, it feels really good. So, Emma, I'm with your daughter.
There is something joyful about that moment.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
We've lived this with six daughters. Before we answer the
question about just a moment of empathy for you and
any other parent who's children have insisted on being the
first one to.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
Push and the lights off.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
Yeah, push the button, but I want to push the button.
I'm having the first shower. No, I'm having the first shower.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Brutal. Yeah, card games never ever, we play games and
the cheating the things.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
What about the pedestrian crossing? I got to push the
button so I can cross at the crossing when the
kids be younger. I mean, it's just I want to
be the first one down the slide. I want to
be the first one on the swing. This is this
is kids, all right. There's a couple of things that
we need to talk about here. I want to talk
about why in the first part of this podcast. Well,
I guess the.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
First thing to tell Emma is the acknowledgment that her
daughter is exactly where she's supposed to be.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Yeah, this is normal.
Speaker 4 (03:48):
This is so normal. You've got siblings, she does the eldest.
Oh yeah, how's my listening skills. See, I'm getting excited
about what I want to talk about. So there's a
couple of developmental realities here that we should discuss. The
first one has to do with the Swiss psychologist Jean
Pierging and some of his brilliant, brilliant insights. So he
(04:10):
developed this four stage developmental model, Kylie, and what we're
talking about at the age of five is a child
transitioning from what's known as pre operational thinking to concrete
operational thinking. And this is really at the crux of
what we're discussing.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
That's some big words.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
I'm sorry, Okay, pre operational thinking, so pre operational. This
is typically ages. I'm going to say two or three
through to six or seven, okay thereabouts, So coming to
the end of this stage. Now with a five year old,
there's something called conservation. So I can have five M
and ms all bundled up in my hand really tight,
(04:46):
or I can spread them out on the counter and
they're still five. But you know, like kids, they'll see
a small bundle of things, I'll see things spread out.
They don't understand that it's the same thing. One thing
looks bigger, so therefore it is bigger, right.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
Yeah. That just reminded me of how many times there's
been fights over who gets the biggest piece of cake
or slice.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
The way that I've always resolved that is you cut it,
the other person chooses, yeah, which piece.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
Yeah, but I understand what you're saying, unless they look
exactly the same, ye to a child, Like we've got
two different sized glasses in our house.
Speaker 1 (05:22):
Yes, and they hold the same amount.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
Of exactly the same amount.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
But one's short and one's tall and skinny.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
Yeah yeah, but they will pick the big glass every
time because.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
They're convinced they're getting more.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, So that's conservation of matter, and in
pre operational thinking. Another thing in pre operational thinking is
the understanding, well, as you move out of pre operational thinking,
you begin to understand that more than one think can
be true at once. And with younger kids, they really
struggle with that. So first is binary, First is concrete.
First is absolute, And at the age of five, it's
(05:58):
really hard to hold onto this nuanced idea that I
don't win the race up the stairs, or I don't
get to turn the light off, and I'm still a
capable person, or I'm still a good person, or I'm
still competent.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
Yeah, and I think that that's true for so many
of us. We tie our worth up in results.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
Yeah to her performance exactly. Yeah, yeah, Yeah. There's also
something else going on developmentally here. She's still pretty egocentric.
Egocentrism sort of peaks that around about somewhere around that
pre operational stage, somewhere between two three four, But there's
still a bit of it at five. I mean, I
know plenty of adults and a lot of teenagers that
are pretty egocentric as well, but this is when it
(06:40):
really peaks, which means that she's going to struggle to
take other people's perspectives. She doesn't have this concept of
why they might also want to be first, because it's
all about her, and at this age they're just so
black and white. Now as they move into concrete, operational thinking,
the other big word that I used this is where
they start to become a bit more capable. They're still
super inflexible, super super rigid, but they start to just
(07:01):
relax a little bit more into some of these ideas
and they become a little bit more cognitively flexible. The
other thing that I really wanted to highlight Kylie is
we talk about all the time basic psychological needs. Competence
is a basic psychological need, and kids just want to
look competent, and the best way to look competent is
to win. Come first. If I can, Oh my goodness,
(07:24):
If I can win, then I am competent, and kids
just they look for observable evidence of competence all the time.
If she doesn't come first, it's not just disappointment. It
feels like it's a need threat and she doesn't know
if she can be capable and effective, and it triggers
(07:45):
that distress response, which for her is really genuine. Probably
also worth just highlighting emotion regulation still pretty low at
this point. It develops across time, and kids don't get
good at emotional regulation in most circumstances most of the
time until about the age of eight, nine, maybe even ten.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
Nine did you say eight?
Speaker 1 (08:05):
Maybe even ten? So they're the three main reasons, Emma,
that this is occurring why kids are so competitive at
this age. And it does get better, but it doesn't
get a lot better for the next few years. Kylie,
what age would you say our children stop being competitive?
They've got you for a dad.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
There's no.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
Says the mum who just relishes beating me up right
on the bike, getting up the hill fast. Hey, after
the break, let's talk about what to do. You're back.
This is the Happy Families podcast. What do you do
when you've got a super competitive child? Kylie? I've got
a handful of ideas, But before we jump into my ideas,
(08:47):
do you have anything that really stands out to you
with something that we have done so effectively to curtailing
and effectiveness of our children.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
I'm sorry, I'm laughing, So you don't have.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
Any good ideas. I guess my ideas are better. I'm
going to go first, again, you're gonna tell me to
go or have you got something for us?
Speaker 2 (09:08):
You win?
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Okay, let's go. First of all, relax, it's normal, it's appropriate,
it's developmentally standard. Relax. If you fight against nature, you
are going to lose. Nature wins all the time. Nature wins.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
So when I think about what she's shared, she has
suggested that this is her oldest daughter. So there are
other children. We're not sure how many, but there are
other children. And at this point I would say that
it's probably not having a huge impact on them.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
Too young.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
They're too young, So life is going to teach her
this lesson.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
I shouldn't say they're too you know, and they don't care.
They probably do care. But at this point she's going
to win and make the most noise about it.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
Yeah, and life will teach.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Them, and so it might not be something that you
have to stress about so much at the moment.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
Yeah, I don't think that it is. In fact, My
last point is I'm going to wrap up with a
little bit more on that. My second point is this
play games, play games regularly, and let her lose and
win in low stakes environments.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
So for me, I think one of the things that
would help as well is if you're going to bed
and you know that getting to the top of the
stairs and winning is the most important thing. Changing it
up and saying I'm wondering how slow you can go,
like can you be as slow as a snail as
you go up the stairs, and just giving her different
(10:30):
actions to do the different tasks that require her to
actually slow down.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
The third thing that I was going to suggest is
to model losing well, so if you lose something, you
don't have a dumby spit. Make sure that she's got
good models of losing, but also model winning well. And
this is probably antithetical to what most people would think. Again,
I started the podcast with the microp moment, I'm going
to kind of move towards a wrap up with the
same thing. I'm pretty anti competitive. I don't really love competition,
(11:00):
and the main reason is that for me to feel good,
I have to make you feel bad. So young kids
they don't get when like Kylie, I don't care. I
love seeing you beat me up the hill. I get
so much joy from it when I see that you've
gone from not wanting to ride a bike at all
to writing with so much confidence and so much power
and so much panache that you can raise me up
(11:22):
the hill and beat me like. It makes me happy
to see you win. I don't feel like I'm less
of a person for losing. And I think that when
kids can see that model his stories like that, We've
got this crazy idea in our society that competition is
always good. That's in that positive But for the competition
is based on the premise that for me to feel
good about myself, you have to feel bad about yourself,
(11:42):
that I have to make you lose. I have to
make you suffer, I have to grind you into the ground.
I have to win. You have to lose. Someone's going
to be sad here. It's not going to be me.
That's probably an overstated and maybe even caricaturistic view of competition,
but in many ways that's what happens even in the
adult world. That is the world we live in.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
And if our worth is tied up in our performance space,
then we are always going to be feeling.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
Like we're intacting.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
Yeah, because there is always there's always someone better.
Speaker 4 (12:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
I'd start to teach her the value of serving rather
than winning. You can feel better about yourself helping other
people to shine, you can feel better about yourself.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
Help you two year old walk up the stairs? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (12:21):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (12:21):
Can you help them to beat you? What kind of
a head start do they need? What kind of things
can you do to support them to become more confident themselves?
And the last thing that I was going to say
is just let her win. Let her win as much
as she wants. Who cares the playground and the horribleness
of life will teach her one way or another. But
the stakes are low at home, and she can have
(12:43):
a sough place to land at home, and you can
have lots of really good chats at home when all
this stuff happens. I think there's more value in letting
her learn to lose on purpose and letting her learn
to lose with a big heart and a desire to
serve and support and help others. I like to subvert
the idea that competition is going to be of benefit
(13:03):
to kids. But it's really hard to teach them that.
It takes years and lots and lots of chats. But
hopefully this has been helpful. Now do you want the
last word or should I have it?
Speaker 2 (13:14):
What have you got for me?
Speaker 1 (13:15):
I can't believe you called my bluff. I've got nothing.
I've said everything I had to say. You in you
keep on doing it to me, and now I feel bad,
But you feel good. Elition right there.
Speaker 3 (13:25):
Good for you.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
I'm so glad I get to help you shine. If
you've got a tricky question, get in touch with us.
We would love to hear from you. Just go to
Happy families dot com dot au and press the record
button start talking. It's our super simple system. Alternatively, you
can send us a voice note to podcasts at happy
families dot com dot Au. Another tricky question coming up
next week tomorrow. Oh my goodness, an interview tomorrow that
(13:47):
I am so pumped for Professor Gene Twangy, one of
the world's leading experts on everything to do with kids
and tech and screens. And she's talking to me for
as much time as I could get out of her
to talk about her brand new book. Oh my goodness,
it's gonna be such a good one. Join us tomorrow
for that. Please, this will be one you do not
want to miss. The Happy Family's podcast is produced by
(14:08):
Justin Rouland from Bridge Media. Nim Hammonds provides research, admin
and other support and if you'd like more info to
make your family happier and to help with the kind
of challenges that we discussed for Emma today. Please check
out my book What Your Child Needs from You or
Ten Things Every Parent Needs to Know. Both of those
will help you enormously with these kinds of challenges. You
(14:30):
can get them wherever books are sold, or at happy
families dot com dot a
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