September 15, 2025 • 15 mins
Do you really trust your teen to manage their phone—and the algorithm—alone? In this episode, Justin and Kylie Coulson tackle a Gold Coast mum’s burning question: should parents rely on filtering apps or on trust? Justin shares his eye-opening experiment pretending to be a teenage boy on Instagram (and what the algorithm served up), while Kylie explains why this isn’t just a “trust” issue—it’s a maturity issue. Together they reveal how to set limits that actually protect kids, build accountability, and still keep the relationship strong.
Key Points
- Why filters aren’t foolproof—and why blind trust is even riskier
- The hidden danger of “friendly” algorithms that quickly escalate to violent or explicit content
- Justin’s experiment that turned his feed dark in just two weeks
- The 3 E’s of Effective Discipline: Explore, Explain, Empower
- How to create family tech agreements that work—and stick
Quote of the Episode
“We say we don’t like the restraints, but we actually need them. Just like a roller-coaster harness, limits keep our kids safe when life turns upside down.” – Justin Coulson
Resources Mentioned
- Managing Screens at Home [Webinar] Included in the Happy Families membership.
Action Steps for Parents
- Audit together: Sit with your teen and explore what their algorithms are serving them.
- Set limits, not locks: Use filters as one layer, but focus on ongoing conversations.
- Use the 3 E’s: Explore their perspective, Explain your concerns, Empower them to co-create safe screen habits.
- Find your village: Connect with like-minded parents to make consistent boundaries easier.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
This is the Happy Families Podcast. Should you trust your
children to select their own apps, their own screen limits?
Is it reasonable to expect that a teenager who is
going to understand what is good for them and what
is not. That is our tricky question today from Shannon
on the Gold Coast. We're going to step right into
this screen dilemma. Next, stay with us.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Today.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
This is the Happy Families Podcast, Real Parenting Solutions, every
single day. It's Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We are
Justin and Kylie Coulson, and every Tuesday on the pod
we answer your tricky questions about screens and family and
discipline and relationships and all of the tough stuff that
drives you bonkers when it comes to raising your children.
If you would like to submit a tricky question, we've
(00:51):
got a super simple system at Happy families dot com
dot Au. You just scroll down to podcasts, click the
record button and start talking. Or you can send a
voice note to podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot au.
That's podcasts with an s at happy families dot com
dot Au. Kylie Today, a question about kids and screens.
Speaker 3 (01:14):
This is Shannon from the Gold Coast. My question is
when speaking to other parents of teenagers, they tell me
that they don't need to put filtering applications on their
children's devices because they trust their children. I struggle with this,
and I'm not quite sure how to navigate these conversations.
I also wonder why they think this. I'd appreciate your insight, Kylie.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
You're making a funny face as you hear that question.
I mean, I'm not big on filtering. I don't like filters.
I find them time consuming. The kids will find a
way around them. I'm not convinced that filter is the
best way forward. But I don't trust teenagers when it
comes to smartphones. I talk to kids almost every single
day in schools, and they've told me quite clearly that
(02:01):
we should not be trusting them when it comes to
their use of smartphones and their selection of apps and
their use of those apps.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
It's interesting because I probably wouldn't use the word trust
when I am thinking about kids and screens.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
I would. I don't trust them. I don't trust me
or you like.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
They no, but they don't have the they don't have
the maturity in any way, shape or form, So trusting
them maybe it's just semantics, but I think they don't.
They don't have the maturity or the understanding to know
what they're actually dealing with, and therefore it's not so
much about trust. It's about a lack of skill and
(02:37):
a lack of experience. And so for me, it's not
so much about trust. It's actually about scaffolding them to
set them up for success.
Speaker 3 (02:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
Well, I guess what's really coming through here with Channon's
question is that the parents aren't having the conversations at all.
They're not putting any filters on. They just trust their kids,
full stop, end of story.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
They're saying that they trust their kids. But I don't
actually think but I think it's just an oversimplified acknowledgment
that to do anything else is just too hard. Firstly,
and secondly, I think it's ignorance on their part, because
I don't actually believe that they have a firm grasp
(03:17):
on the filth the playground that their children are navigating.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Yeah. I'm going to share a story about that in
just a sec. But before I do that, just want
to talk about the algorithm real quick. Like parents might
often say to me, well, I just don't think it's
that bad, And I always said that's because your algorithm
gives you all the stuff that you really like. You're
getting all the nice, fluffy stuff, the warm stuff you're getting,
the things that make you laugh and keep you drawn in.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
I know when you first started like teaching this stuff,
I used to look at you and go, is it
really like that? Because, like you said, that's exactly right.
My algorithms was giving me all of the feel goods
that I was looking for. Yeah, and I still today
still struggle to believe that the stuff that's there is
out there because I don't find it.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
So I shared on the pod about six months ago,
as I've been writing this Boy's book, I made a
terrible mistake with my Instagram and decided that I was
going to pretend to be a teenage boy for a
couple of weeks. So I started liking. I literally started
to search for and then like the kinds of things
that we hear about boys liking and being fed through
(04:22):
their algorithm. And what I forgot was that when I
like stuff, that other people who are following me can
see what I'm liking. And so our teenage daughter came
to you and said, Mummy, you're aware of what that's doing.
On Instagram, like, he's been liking some pretty wild stuff.
But what happened outside of that? Once we explained what
I was doing and the experiment ceased fairly quickly. What
did happen is I started to you don't even have
(04:44):
to like it, you just have to watch it, And
the algorithm is measuring to the millisecond how much time
you're spending watching that content, and it starts to feed
you more of it. And within about two weeks, my
feed became full full of really violent stuff, really misogynistic stuff,
and also quite saucy, very very saucy content as well.
And I deleted my Instagram account because I was kept
(05:08):
on trying to find the stuff that I used to
like and like all of that, and the algorithm kept
on pushing me that more extreme content and it was
not content that I would be comfortable with anyone picking
up and seeing. That's what that Experiments have been done
where teenage boys have been put in as the like
it's a teenage boy using this phone, or as a
(05:28):
teenage boys account, even though it's been adults doing it.
They've done experiments both in the media and at universities,
and they've found exactly what I found when I was
doing that experiment pretty wild, pretty intense stuff. So I
just want to emphasize you can't trust your kids because
they will be fed a whole lot of stuff in
their algorithm that you're not being fed in yours.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
Well, not only that they're following friends, right and like
you said, you like something, and then all of your
friends know what you liked, and so they're being fed
all of their friends stuff regardless of whether they're that
kind of kid, because of the very fact that they're
playing in the same playground as other kids.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
Totally, totally, and they all get caught in on their
Snapchat group chats or their Instagram group chats or whatever.
There's been so many allegations, so many schools now where
big groups of like half a grave if not more,
are all on these group chats where they're sharing this
is the cess pit that they play in, and I
think that it's a really big problem. Our kids do
need limits, and after the break, we're going to talk
(06:27):
about what those limits need to be so that you
can actually trust your kids to be on these devices.
One of my favorite analogies is a story shared by
Josh Ship. He's an American youth speaker, and he used
(06:48):
to he used to talk about this thing where when
you're get on a roller coaster, the restraints they come
down onto your knees and they come down across your chest,
those great big mechanized I mean, I'm calling them restraints whatever,
those things, it's a call that hold you in place
when the roller coaster is going upside down. And he
describes how once they come down, what do we do
while we start to push against them and asks why.
(07:11):
He explains that we're maybe pushing against them a bit
because they're uncomfortable, because they do squeeze you a bit,
But more than anything, we're pushing against them because we
want to know that they are going to stay in
place in thirty seconds when we are upside down and
zooming through whatever place the roller coaster is going to
take us to. In other words, we say that we
don't like the restraints, but we actually need them, We
(07:33):
want them, and we're grateful for them. When it comes
to kids and limits, whether it's around screens or anything else,
I think that that analogy is just perfect, Kylie. It's
exactly what we need to focus on.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
So I push on them a little bit differently. When
I'm sitting there, I'm pushing on it. Firstly, I want
to test it and make sure it's going to hold me.
But secondly, I actually find there's a little bit of movement,
and when I'm upside down, I don't like the moon
So I like my back firmly pressed against the back
of the seat. And if I push against that seatbelt,
(08:08):
then I'm going to be sure that I'm not going anywhere.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
I love it. Okay, So Shannon, here's what we're going
to talk about. The three e's of effective discipline. This
is where we need to land here. Explore, explain empower,
and to describe how that works. I want to share
one of my all time favorite stories and experience that
we had with our eldest daughter when she was thirteen
and snapchat had just come on the scene. So for
those who are new to the pod and haven't heard
(08:31):
it before, Explore Explain empower. It's the three eas of
effective discipline. It's a model that I developed probably ten
or fifteen years ago, probably a round about the same
time that Snapchat came out and I was dealing with
our daughter and her challenges. Explore means that we try
to see the world through another person's eyes. We get
their perspective. Explain means that we make sure that they
understand the rationale for our requests. And empower means that
(08:53):
we give our kids the opportunity to develop a solution
to this challenge with us. It's problem solved together. So
let's go back to twenty twelve. Twenty thirteen. Snapchat is
fairly new. Sheanelle comes home one day and says, Dad, Dad, Dad,
can I please have Snapchat? And my response is no way.
(09:13):
You know what I do for work. You know that
I'm aware of what Snapchat's all about. There's a huge
amount of content that is going out on Snapchat that
I'm not comfortable with. So the answer is no. And
she says, but Dad, but all my friends have got it.
And I said, well, all of your friends are on
Facebook Messenger as well. Get them to talk to you
on Messenger and she said they won't. I saw, well,
(09:33):
that's just silly. Tell them that I said that they
have to. And she said, oh right, because they're going
to say, well, since your dad says you have to,
then that's and she just showed me they were all
chatting on Snapchat. But they were not they were ghosting
or on Facebook Messenger because they'd all moved on. This
was how they were operating in twenty and twelve or
whatever it was. And so I said, well, Chanel, I
just don't want you to have it, and I'm putting
(09:54):
my foot down on the parent and I've got the
ride every now and again to just say a flat
out no. And she was persistent. She said, Dad, you're
supposed to explore, explain, and empower. I've been to your seminars.
So she knew that that was what the what the
deal was supposed to be, and so she didn't miss much. No, No,
I thought to myself, I'm never taking her to a
seminar again. So I said, fine, let's explore why do
(10:16):
you need it? And she said because all my friends
have got it. I said, is that it? And she
said yes. I'm like, well, your list is not very good.
Here's mine. Let me explain to you why do I
want you to have it. So I opened both barrels
and gave her like the seven, eight, nine, ten things
that kept me from wanting her to be on Snapchat.
And I said, so, I'm not going to empower you
because my list is better than yours. Like I win
it's ten to one or five to one or whatever
(10:38):
it is. And I was ready to walk away, and
she said, Dad, you're not being fair. And I said
it doesn't feel fair, but sometimes as a parent, you've
just got to look after your kids. That's my job.
And she said, I just want to be on Snapchat
with my friends. And I said, tell them to talk
to you on Messenger. And then she said something really
really smart. She said, Dad, you're telling me to talk
to my friends on Messenger when they're on Snapchat. Is
(11:01):
like you telling me to go play in the park
while all my friends are at the beach. And that
just hit different for me that she actually got me.
She drew me back in and I said, that's fine.
But at the beach there's blue bottles and sharks, there's
ribs and sweeps and currents, there's the sun, there's syringes
and broken glass in the sand.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
There's Paul, always finding the problems, always finding the problems.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
And I said, I don't want you at the beach.
I want you in the park. And she looked at me.
I kid you not, this is a dead set truly,
what she said. She said Dad, have you been to
the park lately? And I was like, Oh, she's right,
She's right. The park is a concerning place at times.
I knew that Facebook Messenger was probably not quite as
(11:48):
bad as Snapchat, but was still a concerning place to be.
And so that led to us having a conversation about
how she could potentially have Snapchat, which was completely different
to what I thought the conversation would be ten minutes earlier.
And she didn't continue to metaphor conversation. But had she
done so? What she was essentially saying is, Dad, if
I promised to swim in the flags, slip slop slap
were appropriate clothing, stay only with my friends, and let
(12:13):
you swing by the beach anytime to check in on
me to make sure I'm doing okay, would it be
okay if I go to the beach? And I was like, damn,
that's good. And so we decided to go for a
trial and we never really looked bad. Now does that
mean that I trust my child? No, we had high
levels of supervision. There was a high level of accountability,
but we worked out a solution where we could feel
(12:33):
good about this together. Sometimes the answer still has to
be no, full stop. End of story. But in that instance,
it was fine.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
The thing that stands out to me with Shannon's question
is the realization that often parenting feels like a really
lonely game. We are doing it on our own because
everyone around us seems to have a different opinion. And
the thing we have to remember is that nobody, nobody
is going to love our kids the way we will,
and it's our job to do everything we can to
(13:05):
protect them and keep them safe. But my second thinking
around this is the acknowledgment that finding your village of
like minded families can take time, but in doing so
in so many ways, makes your job so much easier,
because when you've got other friends whose parents have the
(13:26):
same ideals as you and are striving for the same
things as you, all of a sudden, it's no longer
you know your child coming home and saying everybody else
is doing it because you know X, Y and Z
are not.
Speaker 3 (13:38):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
Build the community, get the relationships, talk to the other parents,
form a coalition, but then support your children. You can't
just say, well, we've decided no screens. You've got to say,
and because there are no screens, here's what we're going
to do to support our kids to have healthy lives,
healthy relationships, and good balance. The community isn't just we're
all on the same page, no screens. It's about so
(14:00):
much more than that social media minimum age legislation coming
in at the end of the year December ten. I
think that's going to be a game change up. It's
not going to completely solve the problem, not even close,
but it will help us to make some positive steps
and I'm really positive about that. So, Shannon, we really
hope that that's been helpful. Thanks so much for sending
the question through. If you've got a tricky question that
you'd like to ask us, go to Happy Families dot
(14:20):
com dot you click on this super simple system where
you just push the button and start talking and hopefully
we'll feature you on the podcast. The Happy Families podcast
is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. Mimhammonds provides
research and additional admin support. Oh and if you'd like
to get a really really high quality webinar about this
topic to help you to navigate the issues, we'll link
(14:42):
to one of my webinars in the show notes that
will give you all the guidance you need. Check out
Happy families dot com dot au for more resources. And
we're back tomorrow with a conversation with Professor Wayne Warburton
where we go a little bit deeper on this big
screen issue. Talk to you then,
This is the Happy Families Podcast. Should you trust your
children to select their own apps, their own screen limits?
Is it reasonable to expect that a teenager who is
going to understand what is good for them and what
is not. That is our tricky question today from Shannon
on the Gold Coast. We're going to step right into
this screen dilemma. Next, stay with us.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Today.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
This is the Happy Families Podcast, Real Parenting Solutions, every
single day. It's Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We are
Justin and Kylie Coulson, and every Tuesday on the pod
we answer your tricky questions about screens and family and
discipline and relationships and all of the tough stuff that
drives you bonkers when it comes to raising your children.
If you would like to submit a tricky question, we've
(00:51):
got a super simple system at Happy families dot com
dot Au. You just scroll down to podcasts, click the
record button and start talking. Or you can send a
voice note to podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot au.
That's podcasts with an s at happy families dot com
dot Au. Kylie Today, a question about kids and screens.
Speaker 3 (01:14):
This is Shannon from the Gold Coast. My question is
when speaking to other parents of teenagers, they tell me
that they don't need to put filtering applications on their
children's devices because they trust their children. I struggle with this,
and I'm not quite sure how to navigate these conversations.
I also wonder why they think this. I'd appreciate your insight, Kylie.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
You're making a funny face as you hear that question.
I mean, I'm not big on filtering. I don't like filters.
I find them time consuming. The kids will find a
way around them. I'm not convinced that filter is the
best way forward. But I don't trust teenagers when it
comes to smartphones. I talk to kids almost every single
day in schools, and they've told me quite clearly that
(02:01):
we should not be trusting them when it comes to
their use of smartphones and their selection of apps and
their use of those apps.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
It's interesting because I probably wouldn't use the word trust
when I am thinking about kids and screens.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
I would. I don't trust them. I don't trust me
or you like.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
They no, but they don't have the they don't have
the maturity in any way, shape or form, So trusting
them maybe it's just semantics, but I think they don't.
They don't have the maturity or the understanding to know
what they're actually dealing with, and therefore it's not so
much about trust. It's about a lack of skill and
(02:37):
a lack of experience. And so for me, it's not
so much about trust. It's actually about scaffolding them to
set them up for success.
Speaker 3 (02:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
Well, I guess what's really coming through here with Channon's
question is that the parents aren't having the conversations at all.
They're not putting any filters on. They just trust their kids,
full stop, end of story.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
They're saying that they trust their kids. But I don't
actually think but I think it's just an oversimplified acknowledgment
that to do anything else is just too hard. Firstly,
and secondly, I think it's ignorance on their part, because
I don't actually believe that they have a firm grasp
(03:17):
on the filth the playground that their children are navigating.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Yeah. I'm going to share a story about that in
just a sec. But before I do that, just want
to talk about the algorithm real quick. Like parents might
often say to me, well, I just don't think it's
that bad, And I always said that's because your algorithm
gives you all the stuff that you really like. You're
getting all the nice, fluffy stuff, the warm stuff you're getting,
the things that make you laugh and keep you drawn in.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
I know when you first started like teaching this stuff,
I used to look at you and go, is it
really like that? Because, like you said, that's exactly right.
My algorithms was giving me all of the feel goods
that I was looking for. Yeah, and I still today
still struggle to believe that the stuff that's there is
out there because I don't find it.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
So I shared on the pod about six months ago,
as I've been writing this Boy's book, I made a
terrible mistake with my Instagram and decided that I was
going to pretend to be a teenage boy for a
couple of weeks. So I started liking. I literally started
to search for and then like the kinds of things
that we hear about boys liking and being fed through
(04:22):
their algorithm. And what I forgot was that when I
like stuff, that other people who are following me can
see what I'm liking. And so our teenage daughter came
to you and said, Mummy, you're aware of what that's doing.
On Instagram, like, he's been liking some pretty wild stuff.
But what happened outside of that? Once we explained what
I was doing and the experiment ceased fairly quickly. What
did happen is I started to you don't even have
(04:44):
to like it, you just have to watch it, And
the algorithm is measuring to the millisecond how much time
you're spending watching that content, and it starts to feed
you more of it. And within about two weeks, my
feed became full full of really violent stuff, really misogynistic stuff,
and also quite saucy, very very saucy content as well.
And I deleted my Instagram account because I was kept
(05:08):
on trying to find the stuff that I used to
like and like all of that, and the algorithm kept
on pushing me that more extreme content and it was
not content that I would be comfortable with anyone picking
up and seeing. That's what that Experiments have been done
where teenage boys have been put in as the like
it's a teenage boy using this phone, or as a
(05:28):
teenage boys account, even though it's been adults doing it.
They've done experiments both in the media and at universities,
and they've found exactly what I found when I was
doing that experiment pretty wild, pretty intense stuff. So I
just want to emphasize you can't trust your kids because
they will be fed a whole lot of stuff in
their algorithm that you're not being fed in yours.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
Well, not only that they're following friends, right and like
you said, you like something, and then all of your
friends know what you liked, and so they're being fed
all of their friends stuff regardless of whether they're that
kind of kid, because of the very fact that they're
playing in the same playground as other kids.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
Totally, totally, and they all get caught in on their
Snapchat group chats or their Instagram group chats or whatever.
There's been so many allegations, so many schools now where
big groups of like half a grave if not more,
are all on these group chats where they're sharing this
is the cess pit that they play in, and I
think that it's a really big problem. Our kids do
need limits, and after the break, we're going to talk
(06:27):
about what those limits need to be so that you
can actually trust your kids to be on these devices.
One of my favorite analogies is a story shared by
Josh Ship. He's an American youth speaker, and he used
(06:48):
to he used to talk about this thing where when
you're get on a roller coaster, the restraints they come
down onto your knees and they come down across your chest,
those great big mechanized I mean, I'm calling them restraints whatever,
those things, it's a call that hold you in place
when the roller coaster is going upside down. And he
describes how once they come down, what do we do
while we start to push against them and asks why.
(07:11):
He explains that we're maybe pushing against them a bit
because they're uncomfortable, because they do squeeze you a bit,
But more than anything, we're pushing against them because we
want to know that they are going to stay in
place in thirty seconds when we are upside down and
zooming through whatever place the roller coaster is going to
take us to. In other words, we say that we
don't like the restraints, but we actually need them, We
(07:33):
want them, and we're grateful for them. When it comes
to kids and limits, whether it's around screens or anything else,
I think that that analogy is just perfect, Kylie. It's
exactly what we need to focus on.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
So I push on them a little bit differently. When
I'm sitting there, I'm pushing on it. Firstly, I want
to test it and make sure it's going to hold me.
But secondly, I actually find there's a little bit of movement,
and when I'm upside down, I don't like the moon
So I like my back firmly pressed against the back
of the seat. And if I push against that seatbelt,
(08:08):
then I'm going to be sure that I'm not going anywhere.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
I love it. Okay, So Shannon, here's what we're going
to talk about. The three e's of effective discipline. This
is where we need to land here. Explore, explain empower,
and to describe how that works. I want to share
one of my all time favorite stories and experience that
we had with our eldest daughter when she was thirteen
and snapchat had just come on the scene. So for
those who are new to the pod and haven't heard
(08:31):
it before, Explore Explain empower. It's the three eas of
effective discipline. It's a model that I developed probably ten
or fifteen years ago, probably a round about the same
time that Snapchat came out and I was dealing with
our daughter and her challenges. Explore means that we try
to see the world through another person's eyes. We get
their perspective. Explain means that we make sure that they
understand the rationale for our requests. And empower means that
(08:53):
we give our kids the opportunity to develop a solution
to this challenge with us. It's problem solved together. So
let's go back to twenty twelve. Twenty thirteen. Snapchat is
fairly new. Sheanelle comes home one day and says, Dad, Dad, Dad,
can I please have Snapchat? And my response is no way.
(09:13):
You know what I do for work. You know that
I'm aware of what Snapchat's all about. There's a huge
amount of content that is going out on Snapchat that
I'm not comfortable with. So the answer is no. And
she says, but Dad, but all my friends have got it.
And I said, well, all of your friends are on
Facebook Messenger as well. Get them to talk to you
on Messenger and she said they won't. I saw, well,
(09:33):
that's just silly. Tell them that I said that they
have to. And she said, oh right, because they're going
to say, well, since your dad says you have to,
then that's and she just showed me they were all
chatting on Snapchat. But they were not they were ghosting
or on Facebook Messenger because they'd all moved on. This
was how they were operating in twenty and twelve or
whatever it was. And so I said, well, Chanel, I
just don't want you to have it, and I'm putting
(09:54):
my foot down on the parent and I've got the
ride every now and again to just say a flat
out no. And she was persistent. She said, Dad, you're
supposed to explore, explain, and empower. I've been to your seminars.
So she knew that that was what the what the
deal was supposed to be, and so she didn't miss much. No, No,
I thought to myself, I'm never taking her to a
seminar again. So I said, fine, let's explore why do
(10:16):
you need it? And she said because all my friends
have got it. I said, is that it? And she
said yes. I'm like, well, your list is not very good.
Here's mine. Let me explain to you why do I
want you to have it. So I opened both barrels
and gave her like the seven, eight, nine, ten things
that kept me from wanting her to be on Snapchat.
And I said, so, I'm not going to empower you
because my list is better than yours. Like I win
it's ten to one or five to one or whatever
(10:38):
it is. And I was ready to walk away, and
she said, Dad, you're not being fair. And I said
it doesn't feel fair, but sometimes as a parent, you've
just got to look after your kids. That's my job.
And she said, I just want to be on Snapchat
with my friends. And I said, tell them to talk
to you on Messenger. And then she said something really
really smart. She said, Dad, you're telling me to talk
to my friends on Messenger when they're on Snapchat. Is
(11:01):
like you telling me to go play in the park
while all my friends are at the beach. And that
just hit different for me that she actually got me.
She drew me back in and I said, that's fine.
But at the beach there's blue bottles and sharks, there's
ribs and sweeps and currents, there's the sun, there's syringes
and broken glass in the sand.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
There's Paul, always finding the problems, always finding the problems.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
And I said, I don't want you at the beach.
I want you in the park. And she looked at me.
I kid you not, this is a dead set truly,
what she said. She said Dad, have you been to
the park lately? And I was like, Oh, she's right,
She's right. The park is a concerning place at times.
I knew that Facebook Messenger was probably not quite as
(11:48):
bad as Snapchat, but was still a concerning place to be.
And so that led to us having a conversation about
how she could potentially have Snapchat, which was completely different
to what I thought the conversation would be ten minutes earlier.
And she didn't continue to metaphor conversation. But had she
done so? What she was essentially saying is, Dad, if
I promised to swim in the flags, slip slop slap
were appropriate clothing, stay only with my friends, and let
(12:13):
you swing by the beach anytime to check in on
me to make sure I'm doing okay, would it be
okay if I go to the beach? And I was like, damn,
that's good. And so we decided to go for a
trial and we never really looked bad. Now does that
mean that I trust my child? No, we had high
levels of supervision. There was a high level of accountability,
but we worked out a solution where we could feel
(12:33):
good about this together. Sometimes the answer still has to
be no, full stop. End of story. But in that instance,
it was fine.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
The thing that stands out to me with Shannon's question
is the realization that often parenting feels like a really
lonely game. We are doing it on our own because
everyone around us seems to have a different opinion. And
the thing we have to remember is that nobody, nobody
is going to love our kids the way we will,
and it's our job to do everything we can to
(13:05):
protect them and keep them safe. But my second thinking
around this is the acknowledgment that finding your village of
like minded families can take time, but in doing so
in so many ways, makes your job so much easier,
because when you've got other friends whose parents have the
(13:26):
same ideals as you and are striving for the same
things as you, all of a sudden, it's no longer
you know your child coming home and saying everybody else
is doing it because you know X, Y and Z
are not.
Speaker 3 (13:38):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
Build the community, get the relationships, talk to the other parents,
form a coalition, but then support your children. You can't
just say, well, we've decided no screens. You've got to say,
and because there are no screens, here's what we're going
to do to support our kids to have healthy lives,
healthy relationships, and good balance. The community isn't just we're
all on the same page, no screens. It's about so
(14:00):
much more than that social media minimum age legislation coming
in at the end of the year December ten. I
think that's going to be a game change up. It's
not going to completely solve the problem, not even close,
but it will help us to make some positive steps
and I'm really positive about that. So, Shannon, we really
hope that that's been helpful. Thanks so much for sending
the question through. If you've got a tricky question that
you'd like to ask us, go to Happy Families dot
(14:20):
com dot you click on this super simple system where
you just push the button and start talking and hopefully
we'll feature you on the podcast. The Happy Families podcast
is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. Mimhammonds provides
research and additional admin support. Oh and if you'd like
to get a really really high quality webinar about this
topic to help you to navigate the issues, we'll link
(14:42):
to one of my webinars in the show notes that
will give you all the guidance you need. Check out
Happy families dot com dot au for more resources. And
we're back tomorrow with a conversation with Professor Wayne Warburton
where we go a little bit deeper on this big
screen issue. Talk to you then,
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