September 28, 2025 • 16 mins
Ever feel like a broken record—“How many times do I have to tell you?” This episode is your lifeline out of the endless reminder loop. Justin and Kylie share nine proven strategies to cut through the noise, build connection, and get kids to follow through—without the yelling, nagging, or power struggles.
Key Points
- Why repeating yourself trains kids to tune you out
- The 3-step “attention first” method: name, pause, eye contact
- Speak their language: short, clear, kind, one thing at a time
- Confirm understanding with questions (“What needs to happen before we leave?”)
- Read non-verbal cues and adjust your tone
- Validate feelings without caving to demands
- Practice patience—give them space to act
- Create a culture of respectful, safe communication
- Strengthen connection so cooperation comes naturally
- When all else fails, jump in and do it together
Quote of the Episode
“Repeating yourself doesn’t work. Connection does.” – Justin Coulson
Resources
- What To Do When Kids Won’t Listen
- How to Get Your Kids to Really Listen [Ebook + AudioBook]
- Subscribe to the Happy Families newsletter
Action Steps for Parents
- Choose one strategy from today’s episode and try it at your next “please put your shoes on” moment.
- Notice your own tone and pacing—slow down and connect before speaking.
- Reflect tonight: which approach helped your child respond best?
Leave a voice memo here or email your questions/comments to podcasts@happyfamilies.com.au
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
How many times do you find yourself saying? How many
times do I have to tell you? I'm on repeat?
I feel like I've just told you this. Why do
I have to keep on saying this? Get your shoes,
get your school back? How hard can it be? It's
one of those familiar scenes, repeated one way or another
across most days in most homes in Australia, that slow
semmer of frustration, where that simple request seems to vanish
(00:28):
into the ether and it's met with the selective deaftness
that only a child seems to be able to master.
Stay with us Kylie today on the podcast, we're talking
about why repeating yourself doesn't work and what to do instead,
because repeating yourself doesn't work. Repeating yourself doesn't work, doesn't
(00:49):
work work, if you know what I mean. It's trying
to be funny. That was a really subdued piece of laughter.
I'm trying. I'm trying. Is it because it's a Monday?
Is that the issue?
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Maybe?
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Yeah, maybe it just wasn't funny. I think that's what
you're saying. Hey, Kylie, let's talk about this because kids
right don't love doing what they're asked, and it's pretty
easy to call them to find or inattentive or I
don't know, see if we can find a diagnosis for them,
because they just don't ever seem to listen.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
I remember one of our children, we actually took them
to have a hearing test because we were convinced that
there had to be something.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
And this was back in the days. I don't know
what it's like in every other statement in Queensland. You
don't have to pay for it anymore, I don't believe,
but this back in the days when you did have
to pay for it, we paid hundreds of dollars to
test their hearing and they said, oh, she can hear,
she just doesn't like what she's been told. I think
that was the same day that I had my hearing
tested because you keep on saying that I am deaf.
And the hearing guy said, your hearing is fine, just
needs to talk louder. Yeah, And you were like, well
(01:50):
then your hearing isn't fine, and I'm like, no, no, no.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
Bad boys band together.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
Oh my goodness. So from a communication point of view,
we've got nine things to do to help the kids
to get it and to make mornings or day help
instructions to be heard and ideally, ideally, if the settlings
are appropriate, ideally to be followed.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
So the challenge we've got here is that I would
suggest that most parents expect that if there is no
hearing challenge, I make a request, it's heard, and then
I want an instant action. I want an instant response.
I want an acknowledgment number one that they've heard it,
and number two that they will then go and do
what I've requested them.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
And that's kind of that's how psychologists would describe the
hearing process, right, It's a linear process. You work out
what you want to say, you say, it comes out
of your mouth, the other person's brain is here at
brain interprets it, and then you get the response. Ideally,
they act, they do the thing that you've asked them
to do. But communication with children is different to that.
(02:52):
I mean, it's far more nuanced. A I'm going to
sound all flower and poetic for a second. It's a
dynamic dance, Kylie. And it requires more than just the
sending and receiving and the encoding and the decoding, Like
I just want to go back to mornings for a sec.
You say to your child, I need you to put
on your shoes. Put in your shoes. Please go and
get your shoes, put them on. That's the opening move.
(03:12):
So your child then has to receive the message and
decode and understand what you're asking. And then they provide feedback,
ideally with a nod or an okay, mum, or they
just walk towards their shoes wherever the shoes might be,
because who knows where they could be, and they start
to put them on, and our job is to be
attuned to their feedback in case that's a problem. But no,
(03:34):
it gets confusing because timing matters, what they're doing, how
they're feeling, what their agenda is. They're all factors on
how they receive the message. What's going on for us,
The way we say it, the tone of voice. All
of these things interfere with how the message is both
sent and received, regardless of how clear the words actually are.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
One of our children, specifically, she really struggles if we
sound hurried. Yes, she doesn't cope with the sense that
she's been moved on too quickly. She really likes things
to be calm, They need to be collected, and we
need to kind of do things in a really even tone.
For her to respond positively. Our kids have so many
(04:18):
different little nuances, so many different ways that they interpret
the communication that we give them, and it's important that
we are able to understand that so that we can
have better outcomes.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
So today nine ways. We've got less than a minute
for each of these things, so we need to go fast.
Nine ways that you can help if your child is
quite unquote not listening, so that you can shift strategies
and engage in more mindful and collaborative communication practices.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Okay, so number one, Number one, you're going to make
sure you've got their attention to start with.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
Before you start speaking. Literally, so often we just start
shouting things from one room to another room and expect
that that will be enough. And that's a major problem.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
This is something that I learned way back when I
was doing my childcare diploma, the acknowledgment that if I
want a child's attention, I actually need to get down
to their level. I need to be in their space.
It's imperative for effective communication.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
So I'm going to suggest four things to help to
get there. No, three things, just three things. Number one,
say their name, So if there's some sort of naming,
if there's a personalized invitation. If there's a clear signal
that you're about to say something and you want their
attention for it, the name is the best way to go.
I'll say Kylie, and then you look at me. Okay.
And that's the second thing. Once you've said the name
(05:35):
of the person that you want to talk to, press
the pause button, give them a minute or a moment,
give them a beat or a breath to disengage from
whatever is that they're currently doing and shift their focus
to you. Eye Contact is the signal that they're with you.
Once you've met eyes, that's when you know you can continue.
Sometimes as well, it's really helpful if you're not getting
(05:56):
the eye contact, or if they're not stopping what they're doing,
or they've ignored you calling their name, touch elbow, shoulder, leg, Hey, kiddo,
you mention their name. You're touching them now, and then
they look at you, because there's that added level of
making sure that you have their attention before you speak.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
Number two, speak their language.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
Yeah. Essentially, keep it simple, keep it clear, keep it direct,
keep it kind, and make it fun. And one thing
at a time, did you like to lie? I gave
five things so that I could say one thing at
a time right at the end, so much information. I'm
so sorry.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Number three, confirm understanding.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
Hang on a second before we do that. This one
also goes with the previous one, but it kind of
segues into confirming understanding as well. If you're going to
speak their language, I think it's really important that we
engage their thinking. So rather than just saying here's what
I need you to do, say to them, what do
you think we need to do before we leave? What
(06:56):
needs to happen before we can eat? So when you
ask them that question, not only you're speaking their language,
but you're engaging them in thinking, and that confirms what
they understand. So you might say what do we need
to do? Or if you've told them, you can say
what did I just ask you? And I've done that
many times. I'll just stand in front of our daughter,
she's looking at one of our daughters. They're looking at
me blankly, and I say, what did I just ask
(07:17):
you to do? You're looking a bit lost, and I say,
I have no idea. And the last one that I'd
recommend here is just say to them, what are you
going to do first? Or when will you do? That
by for things that aren't time sensitive, like the dishes.
Every now and again, instead of doing all in one
of the kids will say, hey, I've got the dishes tonight.
(07:39):
I want to watch an episode, or I want to
listen to a podcast, or I want to talk with
a friend while I'm doing the kitchen tonight. So I'll
do it on my own. Love it when they do that.
I appreciate time together, and I don't love that they're
on a screen. But sometimes it's just really nice to
give everyone a break, and that child's happy to do
the kitchen, and so my conversation with them at that
point will be when do you plan on doing it?
(08:01):
Because I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning and
discover that you just decided not to.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Number four read the non verbal cues.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
This simply means paying attention to them, like their body
will tell you how they're feeling. Sometimes they don't need
to communicate out loud. Their face, their shoulders, their movements
will tell you if they're feeling confused or overwhelmed, or
if they're resistant, and you can adjust Listen, yeah, and
you can adjust your approach accordingly by going back to
number one and making sure you have their attention before
(08:36):
you speak.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
Validate their feelings.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
If they're struggling to comply. We talked about this last
a week and a bit ago on Friday's Older Better Tomorrow,
when we're talking about our daughter wanting roadblocks and we're
not okay with that, and there was so much validation
of her feelings that went into that. We talked all
about how much she missed a friends and how fun
it is to be on those devices and on those
screens and on those games. There's a lot of validation
going on. Don't you just wish that we could be
(09:01):
like all the other parents. Don't you wish that there
was a way that you could have more time with
your friends. I know, it's really hard to be in
this situation right now. It feels like it's just not
fair that validation does. Wonders when you've got a child
who doesn't appear to be listening or who is resistant
to what you're saying. You're not agreeing with them, you're
not acquiescing. You're not telling them that they can have
(09:22):
whatever they want or that they're even right. You're just
saying I get it.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
Yeah, that idea that you've talked about plenty of times
about giving our children in fantasy what they can't have
in reality. In doing that, what you're actually saying is
I get it. I get that you want this, and
wouldn't it be amazing if you could. Just having someone
validate you in that way is so comforting.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
Yeah, it feels good. Now you wanted to do the
next couple, so let me go through the ones that
you've jotted down. I don't know if this one's a
bit targeting towards me or not, but you said practice patience.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
I think it's just really important for us to remember
our kids are just kids. Yeah, they're learning, they're just
they're starting out in life, and they're going to work
it out. But it's going to require a bit of
patience on our part. It's not going to happen as
quickly as you want. It's not going to happen even
as streamlined as you'd like it too. But with time, patience,
and a holy beloved, these kids are going to work
(10:22):
it out.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
You saying that has actually reminded me of something that
I've been doing a bit lately. I don't know if
you've noticed. I'd love to get some kudos here. If
you've seen it happening in my parenting workshops. I'll say
to parents, when you ask your kids to do something,
how long do you wait before you ask them to
do it again if they haven't done it? And most
parents will laugh and they'll be like, oh, like four seconds,
six seconds, something like that. I've been really practicing lately,
(10:46):
asking and then just waiting. Sometimes I stand and wait.
Other times I ask and then I say, I'll leave
it to you to get this done, and I'll walk away.
Have you noticed that I've been much more patient? You're laughing.
I'm going to say that that is a no. I'll
keep I'm working on it.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
No no, no, that's not what else?
Speaker 1 (11:02):
But that was three noos? That no no no, Oh
my goodness. I'll practice give them a chance, is what
I'm is how I would add to your suggestion number seven.
You said the culture of respectful communication matters, and I
loved this. I could have talked about this one for ages,
but I love that you said this.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
It's so important to foster open and honest communication in
your family, to create a safe space for everyone to
be able to express their thoughts and feelings, regardless of
the fact that it may go against everything that you've
asked them to do. It's important that they know that
they can say the things that they need to say
to work through whatever it is they're feeling.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
So the gen Xa in me, when I hear the
term safe spaces, I kind of chafe and bristle, because
there was interesting safe spaces when I was come on.
And yet when I think about how there are, unfortunately
in all of our lives, and in mine and yours
as well, there are some people who when we're around them,
(12:01):
we feel like we have to hold back, we can't
be our authentic selves. We certainly don't have open and
broad ranging conversations with them because we don't have the trust.
We don't feel safe disclosing around them. And when you
said that idea of creating that culture of respectful communication
and the safe spaces, as much as part of me goes,
oh gosh, I get it and I agree with it
(12:23):
because while we spend time with people sometimes that we
don't know that well or we don't want to disclose
that much too, they're still in our lives and you
can really tell the difference when you're with somebody who
you feel safe with versus someone that you don't and
in our homes, our children have got to have that,
and when we do that, we're much more likely to
(12:43):
have an appropriate give and take in terms of when
you ask the kids to do something and you don't
get a response, here's how we're going to deal with it.
Speaker 2 (12:50):
When I think back to the conversation we had with
our daughter who wanted to have roadblocks, there was this absolute,
a surety in her mind she could share with us
everything that she was feeling and all the reasons why
she should be able to have it. But there was
equal acknowledgment that while she had come up with an
(13:13):
impressive list, a brilliant list, that at the end of
the day, where her parents and we feel like this
is not the right decision for our family.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
It's that culture, that safe space we can talk about
stuff and figure stuff out together here. Yeah, all right,
two more, KYLEI you said, remember the power of connection.
This is the heart of relationships, especially when things aren't
going quite right and the kids aren't listening.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
Connecting with our kids on an emotional level, If they
know that they are seen, heard and valued, that they're
absolutely loved, they're more likely to respond to our requests positively?
Is that simple?
Speaker 1 (13:50):
And my final one, which is just my favorite, is
when you ask the kids to do something and they
don't listen, or they resist or they react. Number nine. Last,
but definitely not least, just do it with them. Yeah,
bedroom's too messy, Go and do it with them. Can't
find their shoes, Go and help them put them on.
What are you laughing at?
Speaker 2 (14:08):
I'm laughing because I showed you a reel the other day.
A little maybe three or four year old had been
asked to clean her room.
Speaker 1 (14:16):
I remember, yeah, I was thinking, where are you going
with this?
Speaker 2 (14:18):
I remember she was so excited to show her parents
and she's raced down the hallway and her parents have
got the camera on her, and she says, come, come
with me, and they've turned the corner and in the
hallway you cannot see the floor. All of her toys
are now in the clothes.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
I'm sure everything from her room was in the hallway.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
Come and she walks into her room and it is sparkling,
and her mum says, nothing done. Is such an amazing job.
And she said, but guess what now you have to
clean the hallway up and she says, no, I don't
want to mess.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
Up my room diving in and doing it with the kids.
We've done this so many times with our children when
we asked them to do something and it's just too
big for them right there in the moment, even if
they've done it before, even if they've got the capacity
to do it. Sometimes they're too tired, they're too overwhelmed,
there's too much other stuff going on, And you get
in there and do it with them, and you enjoyed
the time together and they're happy.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
To do it if there was just feel so overwhelming
in that space. I can think about one hundred different
jobs that I have done multiple times in my daily
life as a parent, and some days it just feels
all too much.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
Yeah, but when I get in there and help make
the bed, yes, it's amazing. There we go. Nine ways.
Nine ways to deal with challenging moments when the kids
aren't listening, or when you're repeating yourself over and over
and over and over and over and over again. I'm
not going to repeat them all. There were too many,
but hopefully this was helpful and it's given you some
inspo for when you get home this afternoon and things
(15:44):
aren't quite right, or maybe this morning when you finish
whatever it is that you're doing this morning, you run
or whatever, Hopefully things will be better so that you
can have growth and understanding and deeper connection with your
kids and transform those challenging moments into something a whole
lot nicer. The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin
Rule from Bridge Media. Tomorrow on the pod Answering Your Questions.
If you'd like to submit a question, just go to
(16:05):
happy families dot com dot you. We've got this super
simple system to use. You scroll down to where it
says podcasts, You press the button and you start talking
love answering your questions. You can send them through any time.
For more info about making your family happy and check
out our social pages on Facebook and Instagram, or visit
us at happy families dot com dot au
How many times do you find yourself saying? How many
times do I have to tell you? I'm on repeat?
I feel like I've just told you this. Why do
I have to keep on saying this? Get your shoes,
get your school back? How hard can it be? It's
one of those familiar scenes, repeated one way or another
across most days in most homes in Australia, that slow
semmer of frustration, where that simple request seems to vanish
(00:28):
into the ether and it's met with the selective deaftness
that only a child seems to be able to master.
Stay with us Kylie today on the podcast, we're talking
about why repeating yourself doesn't work and what to do instead,
because repeating yourself doesn't work. Repeating yourself doesn't work, doesn't
(00:49):
work work, if you know what I mean. It's trying
to be funny. That was a really subdued piece of laughter.
I'm trying. I'm trying. Is it because it's a Monday?
Is that the issue?
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Maybe?
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Yeah, maybe it just wasn't funny. I think that's what
you're saying. Hey, Kylie, let's talk about this because kids
right don't love doing what they're asked, and it's pretty
easy to call them to find or inattentive or I
don't know, see if we can find a diagnosis for them,
because they just don't ever seem to listen.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
I remember one of our children, we actually took them
to have a hearing test because we were convinced that
there had to be something.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
And this was back in the days. I don't know
what it's like in every other statement in Queensland. You
don't have to pay for it anymore, I don't believe,
but this back in the days when you did have
to pay for it, we paid hundreds of dollars to
test their hearing and they said, oh, she can hear,
she just doesn't like what she's been told. I think
that was the same day that I had my hearing
tested because you keep on saying that I am deaf.
And the hearing guy said, your hearing is fine, just
needs to talk louder. Yeah, And you were like, well
(01:50):
then your hearing isn't fine, and I'm like, no, no, no.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
Bad boys band together.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
Oh my goodness. So from a communication point of view,
we've got nine things to do to help the kids
to get it and to make mornings or day help
instructions to be heard and ideally, ideally, if the settlings
are appropriate, ideally to be followed.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
So the challenge we've got here is that I would
suggest that most parents expect that if there is no
hearing challenge, I make a request, it's heard, and then
I want an instant action. I want an instant response.
I want an acknowledgment number one that they've heard it,
and number two that they will then go and do
what I've requested them.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
And that's kind of that's how psychologists would describe the
hearing process, right, It's a linear process. You work out
what you want to say, you say, it comes out
of your mouth, the other person's brain is here at
brain interprets it, and then you get the response. Ideally,
they act, they do the thing that you've asked them
to do. But communication with children is different to that.
(02:52):
I mean, it's far more nuanced. A I'm going to
sound all flower and poetic for a second. It's a
dynamic dance, Kylie. And it requires more than just the
sending and receiving and the encoding and the decoding, Like
I just want to go back to mornings for a sec.
You say to your child, I need you to put
on your shoes. Put in your shoes. Please go and
get your shoes, put them on. That's the opening move.
(03:12):
So your child then has to receive the message and
decode and understand what you're asking. And then they provide feedback,
ideally with a nod or an okay, mum, or they
just walk towards their shoes wherever the shoes might be,
because who knows where they could be, and they start
to put them on, and our job is to be
attuned to their feedback in case that's a problem. But no,
(03:34):
it gets confusing because timing matters, what they're doing, how
they're feeling, what their agenda is. They're all factors on
how they receive the message. What's going on for us,
The way we say it, the tone of voice. All
of these things interfere with how the message is both
sent and received, regardless of how clear the words actually are.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
One of our children, specifically, she really struggles if we
sound hurried. Yes, she doesn't cope with the sense that
she's been moved on too quickly. She really likes things
to be calm, They need to be collected, and we
need to kind of do things in a really even tone.
For her to respond positively. Our kids have so many
(04:18):
different little nuances, so many different ways that they interpret
the communication that we give them, and it's important that
we are able to understand that so that we can
have better outcomes.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
So today nine ways. We've got less than a minute
for each of these things, so we need to go fast.
Nine ways that you can help if your child is
quite unquote not listening, so that you can shift strategies
and engage in more mindful and collaborative communication practices.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Okay, so number one, Number one, you're going to make
sure you've got their attention to start with.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
Before you start speaking. Literally, so often we just start
shouting things from one room to another room and expect
that that will be enough. And that's a major problem.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
This is something that I learned way back when I
was doing my childcare diploma, the acknowledgment that if I
want a child's attention, I actually need to get down
to their level. I need to be in their space.
It's imperative for effective communication.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
So I'm going to suggest four things to help to
get there. No, three things, just three things. Number one,
say their name, So if there's some sort of naming,
if there's a personalized invitation. If there's a clear signal
that you're about to say something and you want their
attention for it, the name is the best way to go.
I'll say Kylie, and then you look at me. Okay.
And that's the second thing. Once you've said the name
(05:35):
of the person that you want to talk to, press
the pause button, give them a minute or a moment,
give them a beat or a breath to disengage from
whatever is that they're currently doing and shift their focus
to you. Eye Contact is the signal that they're with you.
Once you've met eyes, that's when you know you can continue.
Sometimes as well, it's really helpful if you're not getting
(05:56):
the eye contact, or if they're not stopping what they're doing,
or they've ignored you calling their name, touch elbow, shoulder, leg, Hey, kiddo,
you mention their name. You're touching them now, and then
they look at you, because there's that added level of
making sure that you have their attention before you speak.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
Number two, speak their language.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
Yeah. Essentially, keep it simple, keep it clear, keep it direct,
keep it kind, and make it fun. And one thing
at a time, did you like to lie? I gave
five things so that I could say one thing at
a time right at the end, so much information. I'm
so sorry.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Number three, confirm understanding.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
Hang on a second before we do that. This one
also goes with the previous one, but it kind of
segues into confirming understanding as well. If you're going to
speak their language, I think it's really important that we
engage their thinking. So rather than just saying here's what
I need you to do, say to them, what do
you think we need to do before we leave? What
(06:56):
needs to happen before we can eat? So when you
ask them that question, not only you're speaking their language,
but you're engaging them in thinking, and that confirms what
they understand. So you might say what do we need
to do? Or if you've told them, you can say
what did I just ask you? And I've done that
many times. I'll just stand in front of our daughter,
she's looking at one of our daughters. They're looking at
me blankly, and I say, what did I just ask
(07:17):
you to do? You're looking a bit lost, and I say,
I have no idea. And the last one that I'd
recommend here is just say to them, what are you
going to do first? Or when will you do? That
by for things that aren't time sensitive, like the dishes.
Every now and again, instead of doing all in one
of the kids will say, hey, I've got the dishes tonight.
(07:39):
I want to watch an episode, or I want to
listen to a podcast, or I want to talk with
a friend while I'm doing the kitchen tonight. So I'll
do it on my own. Love it when they do that.
I appreciate time together, and I don't love that they're
on a screen. But sometimes it's just really nice to
give everyone a break, and that child's happy to do
the kitchen, and so my conversation with them at that
point will be when do you plan on doing it?
(08:01):
Because I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning and
discover that you just decided not to.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Number four read the non verbal cues.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
This simply means paying attention to them, like their body
will tell you how they're feeling. Sometimes they don't need
to communicate out loud. Their face, their shoulders, their movements
will tell you if they're feeling confused or overwhelmed, or
if they're resistant, and you can adjust Listen, yeah, and
you can adjust your approach accordingly by going back to
number one and making sure you have their attention before
(08:36):
you speak.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
Validate their feelings.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
If they're struggling to comply. We talked about this last
a week and a bit ago on Friday's Older Better Tomorrow,
when we're talking about our daughter wanting roadblocks and we're
not okay with that, and there was so much validation
of her feelings that went into that. We talked all
about how much she missed a friends and how fun
it is to be on those devices and on those
screens and on those games. There's a lot of validation
going on. Don't you just wish that we could be
(09:01):
like all the other parents. Don't you wish that there
was a way that you could have more time with
your friends. I know, it's really hard to be in
this situation right now. It feels like it's just not
fair that validation does. Wonders when you've got a child
who doesn't appear to be listening or who is resistant
to what you're saying. You're not agreeing with them, you're
not acquiescing. You're not telling them that they can have
(09:22):
whatever they want or that they're even right. You're just
saying I get it.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
Yeah, that idea that you've talked about plenty of times
about giving our children in fantasy what they can't have
in reality. In doing that, what you're actually saying is
I get it. I get that you want this, and
wouldn't it be amazing if you could. Just having someone
validate you in that way is so comforting.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
Yeah, it feels good. Now you wanted to do the
next couple, so let me go through the ones that
you've jotted down. I don't know if this one's a
bit targeting towards me or not, but you said practice patience.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
I think it's just really important for us to remember
our kids are just kids. Yeah, they're learning, they're just
they're starting out in life, and they're going to work
it out. But it's going to require a bit of
patience on our part. It's not going to happen as
quickly as you want. It's not going to happen even
as streamlined as you'd like it too. But with time, patience,
and a holy beloved, these kids are going to work
(10:22):
it out.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
You saying that has actually reminded me of something that
I've been doing a bit lately. I don't know if
you've noticed. I'd love to get some kudos here. If
you've seen it happening in my parenting workshops. I'll say
to parents, when you ask your kids to do something,
how long do you wait before you ask them to
do it again if they haven't done it? And most
parents will laugh and they'll be like, oh, like four seconds,
six seconds, something like that. I've been really practicing lately,
(10:46):
asking and then just waiting. Sometimes I stand and wait.
Other times I ask and then I say, I'll leave
it to you to get this done, and I'll walk away.
Have you noticed that I've been much more patient? You're laughing.
I'm going to say that that is a no. I'll
keep I'm working on it.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
No no, no, that's not what else?
Speaker 1 (11:02):
But that was three noos? That no no no, Oh
my goodness. I'll practice give them a chance, is what
I'm is how I would add to your suggestion number seven.
You said the culture of respectful communication matters, and I
loved this. I could have talked about this one for ages,
but I love that you said this.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
It's so important to foster open and honest communication in
your family, to create a safe space for everyone to
be able to express their thoughts and feelings, regardless of
the fact that it may go against everything that you've
asked them to do. It's important that they know that
they can say the things that they need to say
to work through whatever it is they're feeling.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
So the gen Xa in me, when I hear the
term safe spaces, I kind of chafe and bristle, because
there was interesting safe spaces when I was come on.
And yet when I think about how there are, unfortunately
in all of our lives, and in mine and yours
as well, there are some people who when we're around them,
(12:01):
we feel like we have to hold back, we can't
be our authentic selves. We certainly don't have open and
broad ranging conversations with them because we don't have the trust.
We don't feel safe disclosing around them. And when you
said that idea of creating that culture of respectful communication
and the safe spaces, as much as part of me goes,
oh gosh, I get it and I agree with it
(12:23):
because while we spend time with people sometimes that we
don't know that well or we don't want to disclose
that much too, they're still in our lives and you
can really tell the difference when you're with somebody who
you feel safe with versus someone that you don't and
in our homes, our children have got to have that,
and when we do that, we're much more likely to
(12:43):
have an appropriate give and take in terms of when
you ask the kids to do something and you don't
get a response, here's how we're going to deal with it.
Speaker 2 (12:50):
When I think back to the conversation we had with
our daughter who wanted to have roadblocks, there was this absolute,
a surety in her mind she could share with us
everything that she was feeling and all the reasons why
she should be able to have it. But there was
equal acknowledgment that while she had come up with an
(13:13):
impressive list, a brilliant list, that at the end of
the day, where her parents and we feel like this
is not the right decision for our family.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
It's that culture, that safe space we can talk about
stuff and figure stuff out together here. Yeah, all right,
two more, KYLEI you said, remember the power of connection.
This is the heart of relationships, especially when things aren't
going quite right and the kids aren't listening.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
Connecting with our kids on an emotional level, If they
know that they are seen, heard and valued, that they're
absolutely loved, they're more likely to respond to our requests positively?
Is that simple?
Speaker 1 (13:50):
And my final one, which is just my favorite, is
when you ask the kids to do something and they
don't listen, or they resist or they react. Number nine. Last,
but definitely not least, just do it with them. Yeah,
bedroom's too messy, Go and do it with them. Can't
find their shoes, Go and help them put them on.
What are you laughing at?
Speaker 2 (14:08):
I'm laughing because I showed you a reel the other day.
A little maybe three or four year old had been
asked to clean her room.
Speaker 1 (14:16):
I remember, yeah, I was thinking, where are you going
with this?
Speaker 2 (14:18):
I remember she was so excited to show her parents
and she's raced down the hallway and her parents have
got the camera on her, and she says, come, come
with me, and they've turned the corner and in the
hallway you cannot see the floor. All of her toys
are now in the clothes.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
I'm sure everything from her room was in the hallway.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
Come and she walks into her room and it is sparkling,
and her mum says, nothing done. Is such an amazing job.
And she said, but guess what now you have to
clean the hallway up and she says, no, I don't
want to mess.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
Up my room diving in and doing it with the kids.
We've done this so many times with our children when
we asked them to do something and it's just too
big for them right there in the moment, even if
they've done it before, even if they've got the capacity
to do it. Sometimes they're too tired, they're too overwhelmed,
there's too much other stuff going on, And you get
in there and do it with them, and you enjoyed
the time together and they're happy.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
To do it if there was just feel so overwhelming
in that space. I can think about one hundred different
jobs that I have done multiple times in my daily
life as a parent, and some days it just feels
all too much.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
Yeah, but when I get in there and help make
the bed, yes, it's amazing. There we go. Nine ways.
Nine ways to deal with challenging moments when the kids
aren't listening, or when you're repeating yourself over and over
and over and over and over and over again. I'm
not going to repeat them all. There were too many,
but hopefully this was helpful and it's given you some
inspo for when you get home this afternoon and things
(15:44):
aren't quite right, or maybe this morning when you finish
whatever it is that you're doing this morning, you run
or whatever, Hopefully things will be better so that you
can have growth and understanding and deeper connection with your
kids and transform those challenging moments into something a whole
lot nicer. The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin
Rule from Bridge Media. Tomorrow on the pod Answering Your Questions.
If you'd like to submit a question, just go to
(16:05):
happy families dot com dot you. We've got this super
simple system to use. You scroll down to where it
says podcasts, You press the button and you start talking
love answering your questions. You can send them through any time.
For more info about making your family happy and check
out our social pages on Facebook and Instagram, or visit
us at happy families dot com dot au
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