September 25, 2025 • 17 mins
Ever brushed off your child’s whining, anxiety, or fussy eating as “just a phase”? What if those small annoyances are quietly shaping big challenges for your family’s wellbeing? In this episode, Justin and Kylie unpack the Region Beta Paradox — the psychology behind why we ignore little problems until they explode — and reveal how parents can catch the signs early, stay regulated, and protect their family’s mental health.
KEY POINTS
What the Region Beta Paradox is (and why it’s a parenting game-changer).How “little niggles” like whining or sibling squabbles can erode family harmony.The danger of waiting until problems hit crisis point.Why self-regulation and self-care aren’t optional for parents.Practical cues to know when a child’s behaviour needs professional attention.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
“Deal with the niggles before they become the drama. Your future family harmony depends on it.”
RESOURCES
- Why small annoyances can harm us more than big disruptions | PSYCHE
- How to Respond When Triggered by Your Child [Article]
- Self-Care Strategies That Really Work [Article]
- Overwhelm: Self-care Strategies for When Everything is Too Much [Webinar]
- Why Our Kids Need Us to Set Limits [Article]
- Unplugged Parenthood: Reducing Screen Time to Strengthen Family Connections [Article]
- Developmental Milestones: What to Expect From Birth to Adulthood [Article]
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
- Notice the “drip-drip” annoyances — don’t dismiss them.
- Reframe whining or misbehaviour as unmet needs, not defiance.
- Model self-regulation: pause, breathe, respond calmly.
- Build self-care into your week — connection > screens.
- If issues persist, track frequency, intensity, and duration — and seek help early.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Today on the Happy Families podcast, something that you may
not have heard about before. It's called the region Beta paradox,
the region Beata paradox. Kylie, do you like that when
I use those really big words, it's something very useful.
Have you heard of the region Beata paradox?
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Come on, this is not a doctor's desk. No, what
are you doing?
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Stay with us? OK, here's the very short version of
what the region Beata paradox is and why it applies
to parenting. There are these things in life that are
mildly annoying, but we put up with them. A case
in point, I've got a headlight on my car that
is flickering at the moment, and it's annoying, but it
seems like it's going to be more annoying to have
to go into the shop and get it fixed up,
(00:45):
because headlights on cars are annoying and there's stuff, and
so I'm just dealing with the flickering headlight. But when
I drive at night, it looks like I'm flashing people
and the cars in front of me like flashing with
my headlights. Just want to clarify that, and that can
become embarrassing. And I've had a couple will give me doo.
It looks like they think that I'm telling them they're
not driving well and it's leading to problems. Here's another example.
(01:06):
I saw knee, but it's not bad enough to see
the doctor.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
What about the dripping drip drip outside my window? Oh,
the guter that leaks, the gutter that leaks. Yeah, yeah,
the pile of stuff is it's amazing. It's like the
smallest sound.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
I'll make your deal that you can hear. I'll make
a deal. You fix up the pile of pictures and
mess that you've got in the corner of my office
that's been driving me crazy for a couple of months,
and I'll do something about the gutter.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
I can't believe you're saying that we've just painted the
walls and you don't want holes back in there, so.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
The region beata paradox is this over time, these more
mild discomforts, like.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
The way you leave socks under the table.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
All these mildlin discomforting to put the toilet seat down, relationships.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Hey, I will steal my pillow.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
Can I just be really clear. I am very good
with the toilet seat and have been for twenty seven years.
Sometimes I'm very very good with that. Six daughters, and
let's move on. These mild discomforts and these mild challenging
relationships can end up lasting much longer to.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
Say, our challenge our relationship.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
No, no, no, no, we've got a podcast to do here.
This is getting a little bit challenging. I'm going to
start that again. What I said was the paradox the
region beata paradox is very very simple.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
I have to lighten this up. It's not a doctor's desk.
You know.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
These mild now I can't even speak. These mildly challenging things,
or these mildly challenging relationships and people can end up
becoming very very very challenging across the long term and
cause you more upset and more damage than a situation
or a person or an event or a leaky gutter
(02:43):
if you just go and deal with it. Like but
we think that it's you get the really acutely upsetting
stuff and you act on it.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Wait, but it's a squeaky will. It's that that concept, right,
The squeaky will gets the most attention.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Well, I don't know, because the gutter is a squeaky will,
but it's not quite squeaky enough. No, that's the point.
It's not urgent exactly. So something that is quite acute
and upsetting you take action straight away and you resolve it,
and then the distress doesn't last. But the cumulative total
of the days and the weeks and the months and
the years of that drip drip drip, that makes it
(03:15):
all too much. And what I want to talk about
today is how this applies in parenting, how it applies
in relationships, how it applies for couples. Because I think
that the region beata paradox is one of the most
interesting psychological phenomenon that nobody ever talks about.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
So that's why it needs a bit of name.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
Well, we're three and a half minutes in and I've
only just finished the description of what it is, which
is not a good indicator of where this podcast. Okay, okay,
I'm blaming you. I could have had that done in
thirty seconds. You've really made that.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
Up to Parents sometimes overlook those minor annoyance all the.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
Time because they think that it's insignificant compared to a
major problem. And so our child's wingy, whiny thingy, we
just kind of go, all right, I'll deal with it
later because I'm tired and I've got other things on
my plate, and so we don't. We don't deal with it.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
So I'm thinking of one of our daughters. She's always
had an anxious disposition, and I talked to you about
it and you said, no, no, it'll be fine.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
Yeah, we're handling it. We're handling it.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
But over time it's actually it has exacerbated, it has
gotten worse, and we've actually needed to seek medical attention.
Speaker 1 (04:22):
So what he's saying, maybe if we'd addressed it earlier,
I feel like I'm about to have some fingers pointed
at me.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
No, it's not a finger pointing thing, but it's an
acknowledgment that sometimes we look at these things and kind
of just brush it off. I don't know how many
times the parents kind of said to me, I thought
they just rolled over and hurt themselves, and two days
later take them to the doctor's.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
Got a broken art and they've got a broken arm. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
So it's really hard because there's a fine line. Right,
you go the other way and you become a helicopter
parent who jumps on every symptom and.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
Drives everyone crazy. The kids. If you speak about the
issue with the anxiety with this particular daughter. I think
you're right. I mean, I've got a pH d in psychology.
I'm saying, yeah, there's definitely something going on here. But
we've got this, like, we've got the skills, we've got
the capacity to deal with this. And yet when you
dismiss that whining or the interrupting or the anxiety or
the nerves or whatever, it's just a phase if you
(05:12):
leave it unaddressed, as we discovered with our child, even
though we are pretty well equipped to manage this stuff.
I thought, these behaviors can become habitual, and they can
cause distress for the child. They can cause dysfunction, they
can strain relationships. You get a child who, let's see,
you've got an ADHD kid constantly, constantly interrupting. And what
happens is if we don't help them, and if we
(05:33):
don't work through things here and create an environment that's
going to be supportive and help them to function effectively,
maybe they struggle to listen attentively in school or social
situations and that exacerbates things for them.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
Again, I think it's really important to understand that small
annoyances and our children can have a significant impact on
the dynamic within our family, yes, or the child's development
if left unaddressed.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
And that's the main thing that I'm really highlighting. It's
not you get this region Beater paradox where you're saying, Okay,
it's annoying, Okay, I'll deal with it one day. If
it gets any worse, I'll go and see the doctor.
I'll go and see the psychologists, go and see the
school counselor. But that day never really arrives until kaboom,
and then it becomes really acute. But that might be
a couple of years down the road. And you've created
(06:17):
these patterns. You've created these systems, and potentially inadvertently created,
with the best of intentions, a whole lot of dysfunction
around the relationship or just in the child because it
hasn't passed that threshold of discomfort. It's been mildly annoying
but not uncomfortable enough to act on, but it really
needed to be acted on. It's like when you hurt
(06:38):
your knee and you'd rather limp on it for two
and a half years before you go and see the surgeon. Right.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
It's interesting because as we're talking about this I'm actually
thinking about one of our daughters. When she was younger,
she actually said very few words for the first three years,
and then literally woke up on her third birthday only
given us single word responses to everything for three years
(07:05):
and says, mum, can I have a drink of water?
And it blew us away. But from that moment on
she has not stopped talking. She's an adult now, she
has not stopped talking at a rapid pace. But after
her her next sister came along and she was the same.
We hardly got any words out of here, and I
just thought, oh, okay, we're following a pattern. Everything will
(07:26):
be fine. She was a completely different child, and we
ended up spending significant time and years with her in
speech pathology.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Yeah. I think she was maybe six or seven before
she was speaking properly. It was a really big deal.
But we let that go because the previous experience, Yeah,
and because we thought she was kind of making progress
until we realized, hang on this, there is a threshold here,
and we probably need to lower our threshold and get
help earlier. As a result, there's something else to consider
(08:00):
here as well, and that is the constant barrage of
minor stresses like whining, and like sibling squabbles and the
bedtime battles and the fussy eating. They can also it's
not just about the child's function and how well they're doing.
They can also impact our well being and contribute to burnout.
It's kind of for a parent, it's like Chinese water torture.
(08:23):
It's like death by a thousand cards. Every single one
of these small stresses just keeps on chipping away at
our patients and our energy. We become exhausted, we become irritable,
we become sometimes resentful towards our children. And that again,
is this region beat a paradox. We probably need to
talk about solutions, but I just find it. It's such
(08:44):
a fascinating thing and I want to make sure that
we explain it properly well.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
I think the biggest challenge is then when we feel
stressed as parents, our kids pick up on that, and
then it adds to the stress and the cycle of
negativity that we're experiencing. And when we're stressed, we're not
at our best does so we're reacting harshly to our kids.
Like there's so many different dynamics that we look at.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
When you're just saying this. The US Surgeon General put
out a health advisory warning on parenting. He literally said,
parenting can be bad for your mental health. Be careful,
don't go into this blindfolded as a really really serious thing.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
Okay, so you've got a psychology PhD. Right, How can
parents reframe their perspective on these small, minor annoyances Because
it's the kids, it's work stuff, it's school stuff, it's
financial stuff, and all those bits and pieces hanging over
their heads all the time.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
All right, let's move quickly because our time is running out,
and we spend a lot of time just talking about
this paradox. I'm going to give an example. Let's look
at kids that are being whining, because we've dealt with
that pretty consistently over the years of most families will
admit that this comes up a lot. So instead of
seeing whining as defiance or as a kid who isn't
listening and who isn't getting it, we can view it
as a way of communicating an unmet need. And so
(09:58):
this is an empathy opportunity that we're so exhausted that
we don't want to be doing the empathy.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
But that's it.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Isn't it.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
We're exhausted as parents. I think across the board, everyone
I speak to is in the same boat. Even people
that previously I've spoken to are completely content with their
lives are really feeling the weight and pressure of life
as we know it now. It's really hard.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
So let me go back to empathy. Okay, we've got
this behavior that is a bit annoying, and we just
let it go, let it go, let it go, let
it go, or alternatively, we crack, which doesn't do anything
for anybody. I actually want to focus on self regulation here.
Self regulation is vital, it's about intention, but it's also
taxing to be self regulated. That's a really big challenge.
(10:46):
The definition of self regulation or emotional regulation is suppressing
or expressing your emotions appropriately for the context in harmony
with the values of goals. Okay, so if you blow up,
you're expressing yourself, but not necessarily. You've got a short
term goal. You want compliance, you want the kids to
just be quiet. But the long term goal is quite different,
and that is for our children to be able to
thrive into to do well here. So we've got to
(11:08):
have honest, empathic, clear conversations with our children, because that's
going to get us to the long term goal. It's
the explore, explain, empower conversations. And we can only do
that if we're well regulated, if we're emotionally balanced, and
I reckon, I reckon that. If we can do that
model it, we're also going to be much more effective
at teaching kids the calming techniques they need, like taking
(11:30):
a deep breath or taking a break. That sort of
stuff will help as well. And then the region beta
paradox takes care of itself because people are better regulated,
people are functioning better. We don't seem to have the
same challenges.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
So you're making this sound like it's very easy self
regulation when we've just acknowledged that we are feeling stressed, overwhelmed,
and exhausted. Yeah, so we need to talk about self
care because parents can't be self regulated if they're not
taking care of their own emotional wellbeing.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
Telling me ask you, I mean I travel a lot,
I'm not here a lot. You're the one that's actually
in the heat of the furnace much more than I
am around this. What would you say about self care?
Speaker 2 (12:14):
You have to be absolutely intentional, and I guess from
the outside looking in you could even say you have
to be selfish with some time. I wouldn't call it
selfishness because I think it's imperative. But it's so easy
as a mum, and I think mums struggle with it
more than dad's, no doubt. But it is so hard
(12:35):
to say I actually need to go for a walk
for half an hour, because there is a to do
list that is bigger than you're going to get through
in any given day anyway, and so the idea that
you would take a little bit of time out for
yourself feels like it's a cop out or it's a
waste of time compared to everything else that needs to happen.
(12:55):
And I'm watching it more and more with friends and
family who I don't have time to connect with my friends,
that is probably one of the biggest self care things
that we can do as women love it. We need
each other, we need community, but we spend so much
time being overwhelmed with our to do list that we
(13:16):
scrap that because it's not imperative to the way our
family functions. Okay, so I think we've got it all wrong.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
So I'm going to wrap this up fairly quickly. Now
there's one more thing that I want to talk about,
but just on what you've highlighted with the whole self
care issue, you've tapped into something that's absolutely vital, and
that is the importance of quality relationships, making sure that
you make time for other people. That that's really at
the heart of it. And anything else that you choose
to do has to be rejuvenating, which would mean in
(13:44):
ninety nine point nine percent of cases, it should not
involve your screen. Because your screen it depletes you, it
de energizes you, it takes you in exactly the opposite direction.
And if you have a good half an hour sit
on the couch staring at your screen, you very rarely,
if ever jump to your feet and say, well I
feel so much better now, I'm ready to go again.
You kind of just sit there and feel increasingly depleted.
It really does zapp your energy. So there are the
(14:05):
two things that I'd say, build those connections, find ways
to connect with other people, and stay off the screens. Now,
like I said, there's one more thing that I really
want to touch on. We are out of time, so
I have to go through it really fast. But I
think that it matters a great deal and that's how
parents can differentiate between typical child behaviors and potential underlying
issues that require intervention. Okay, this region beata paradox. We're
(14:28):
looking at this stuff that's annoying, annoying, annoying, annoying. It's
a niggle niggle, niggle niggle, but we don't do anything
about it. And we've talked about it in terms of
anxiety in our family and also ADHD in our family.
We haven't touched on that, but in both instances there's
been niggle niggle, niggle, niggle niggle, and we've decided to
put it off and put it off and put it off.
In two cases now with our kids, you have been
(14:49):
the one that picked up on it. I've acknowledged it.
I've seen that it's there, but I've had that it'll
be right, we'll just deal with it. I've had that approach,
whereas you've had a different approach. I've said, it's below
the threshold, we're handling it. You've stepped in and your
mama spidy senses have kicked into the point where you've
essentially convinced me to take it more seriously. And you've
(15:10):
been right both times. So what I would say, is
this as a parent, when you're dealing with these region
beta issues and you're concerned that it might be something else,
consider the frequency, consider the intensity, Consider the duration of
the behaviors that are drip dripping, and if it's persistent,
if it's causing significant distress, or if it's interfering with
function and daily life, it is worth exploring it with
(15:33):
a professional. You will get better guidance than doing what
I did and saying it'll be right.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
I think the other thing that's really important. One of
our children has had a significant health challenge for many years.
But I would go to the doctor regularly and tell
them that this was not right, what was happening with
her was not normal, and we would do all of
the tests and they would all come back clear. And
(16:00):
I did that for what ten years, at least about
ten years, because every twelve months, I'd go, we can't
keep going like this, yep.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
And it's a great example of a reagion beata paradox.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
I think that again, you just have to trust your
gut on their stuff and keep pushing through onto you
find the answers.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
Well, that also highlights another reality, and that is that
it might be above your threshold. But then you go
and see a medical practitioner or a mental health practitioner
and they say, oh, this is just the minor niggle
for them, it's a region beata issue and you're going
but this has been a minor niggle for ten years now.
It needs surgery. If I had a minor niggle in
my knee for ten years, I would go and get
something done about it. So deal with the niggles, get
(16:42):
on top of them. It matters. The Happy Family's podcast
is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. For more
on making your family happier and working on that self regulation,
check out our social pages on Facebook and Instagram, or
visit us at happy families dot com dot au
Today on the Happy Families podcast, something that you may
not have heard about before. It's called the region Beta paradox,
the region Beata paradox. Kylie, do you like that when
I use those really big words, it's something very useful.
Have you heard of the region Beata paradox?
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Come on, this is not a doctor's desk. No, what
are you doing?
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Stay with us? OK, here's the very short version of
what the region Beata paradox is and why it applies
to parenting. There are these things in life that are
mildly annoying, but we put up with them. A case
in point, I've got a headlight on my car that
is flickering at the moment, and it's annoying, but it
seems like it's going to be more annoying to have
to go into the shop and get it fixed up,
(00:45):
because headlights on cars are annoying and there's stuff, and
so I'm just dealing with the flickering headlight. But when
I drive at night, it looks like I'm flashing people
and the cars in front of me like flashing with
my headlights. Just want to clarify that, and that can
become embarrassing. And I've had a couple will give me doo.
It looks like they think that I'm telling them they're
not driving well and it's leading to problems. Here's another example.
(01:06):
I saw knee, but it's not bad enough to see
the doctor.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
What about the dripping drip drip outside my window? Oh,
the guter that leaks, the gutter that leaks. Yeah, yeah,
the pile of stuff is it's amazing. It's like the
smallest sound.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
I'll make your deal that you can hear. I'll make
a deal. You fix up the pile of pictures and
mess that you've got in the corner of my office
that's been driving me crazy for a couple of months,
and I'll do something about the gutter.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
I can't believe you're saying that we've just painted the
walls and you don't want holes back in there, so.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
The region beata paradox is this over time, these more
mild discomforts, like.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
The way you leave socks under the table.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
All these mildlin discomforting to put the toilet seat down, relationships.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Hey, I will steal my pillow.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
Can I just be really clear. I am very good
with the toilet seat and have been for twenty seven years.
Sometimes I'm very very good with that. Six daughters, and
let's move on. These mild discomforts and these mild challenging
relationships can end up lasting much longer to.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
Say, our challenge our relationship.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
No, no, no, no, we've got a podcast to do here.
This is getting a little bit challenging. I'm going to
start that again. What I said was the paradox the
region beata paradox is very very simple.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
I have to lighten this up. It's not a doctor's desk.
You know.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
These mild now I can't even speak. These mildly challenging things,
or these mildly challenging relationships and people can end up
becoming very very very challenging across the long term and
cause you more upset and more damage than a situation
or a person or an event or a leaky gutter
(02:43):
if you just go and deal with it. Like but
we think that it's you get the really acutely upsetting
stuff and you act on it.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Wait, but it's a squeaky will. It's that that concept, right,
The squeaky will gets the most attention.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Well, I don't know, because the gutter is a squeaky will,
but it's not quite squeaky enough. No, that's the point.
It's not urgent exactly. So something that is quite acute
and upsetting you take action straight away and you resolve it,
and then the distress doesn't last. But the cumulative total
of the days and the weeks and the months and
the years of that drip drip drip, that makes it
(03:15):
all too much. And what I want to talk about
today is how this applies in parenting, how it applies
in relationships, how it applies for couples. Because I think
that the region beata paradox is one of the most
interesting psychological phenomenon that nobody ever talks about.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
So that's why it needs a bit of name.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
Well, we're three and a half minutes in and I've
only just finished the description of what it is, which
is not a good indicator of where this podcast. Okay, okay,
I'm blaming you. I could have had that done in
thirty seconds. You've really made that.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
Up to Parents sometimes overlook those minor annoyance all the.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
Time because they think that it's insignificant compared to a
major problem. And so our child's wingy, whiny thingy, we
just kind of go, all right, I'll deal with it
later because I'm tired and I've got other things on
my plate, and so we don't. We don't deal with it.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
So I'm thinking of one of our daughters. She's always
had an anxious disposition, and I talked to you about
it and you said, no, no, it'll be fine.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
Yeah, we're handling it. We're handling it.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
But over time it's actually it has exacerbated, it has
gotten worse, and we've actually needed to seek medical attention.
Speaker 1 (04:22):
So what he's saying, maybe if we'd addressed it earlier,
I feel like I'm about to have some fingers pointed
at me.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
No, it's not a finger pointing thing, but it's an
acknowledgment that sometimes we look at these things and kind
of just brush it off. I don't know how many
times the parents kind of said to me, I thought
they just rolled over and hurt themselves, and two days
later take them to the doctor's.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
Got a broken art and they've got a broken arm. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
So it's really hard because there's a fine line. Right,
you go the other way and you become a helicopter
parent who jumps on every symptom and.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
Drives everyone crazy. The kids. If you speak about the
issue with the anxiety with this particular daughter. I think
you're right. I mean, I've got a pH d in psychology.
I'm saying, yeah, there's definitely something going on here. But
we've got this, like, we've got the skills, we've got
the capacity to deal with this. And yet when you
dismiss that whining or the interrupting or the anxiety or
the nerves or whatever, it's just a phase if you
(05:12):
leave it unaddressed, as we discovered with our child, even
though we are pretty well equipped to manage this stuff.
I thought, these behaviors can become habitual, and they can
cause distress for the child. They can cause dysfunction, they
can strain relationships. You get a child who, let's see,
you've got an ADHD kid constantly, constantly interrupting. And what
happens is if we don't help them, and if we
(05:33):
don't work through things here and create an environment that's
going to be supportive and help them to function effectively,
maybe they struggle to listen attentively in school or social
situations and that exacerbates things for them.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
Again, I think it's really important to understand that small
annoyances and our children can have a significant impact on
the dynamic within our family, yes, or the child's development
if left unaddressed.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
And that's the main thing that I'm really highlighting. It's
not you get this region Beater paradox where you're saying, Okay,
it's annoying, Okay, I'll deal with it one day. If
it gets any worse, I'll go and see the doctor.
I'll go and see the psychologists, go and see the
school counselor. But that day never really arrives until kaboom,
and then it becomes really acute. But that might be
a couple of years down the road. And you've created
(06:17):
these patterns. You've created these systems, and potentially inadvertently created,
with the best of intentions, a whole lot of dysfunction
around the relationship or just in the child because it
hasn't passed that threshold of discomfort. It's been mildly annoying
but not uncomfortable enough to act on, but it really
needed to be acted on. It's like when you hurt
(06:38):
your knee and you'd rather limp on it for two
and a half years before you go and see the surgeon. Right.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
It's interesting because as we're talking about this I'm actually
thinking about one of our daughters. When she was younger,
she actually said very few words for the first three years,
and then literally woke up on her third birthday only
given us single word responses to everything for three years
(07:05):
and says, mum, can I have a drink of water?
And it blew us away. But from that moment on
she has not stopped talking. She's an adult now, she
has not stopped talking at a rapid pace. But after
her her next sister came along and she was the same.
We hardly got any words out of here, and I
just thought, oh, okay, we're following a pattern. Everything will
(07:26):
be fine. She was a completely different child, and we
ended up spending significant time and years with her in
speech pathology.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Yeah. I think she was maybe six or seven before
she was speaking properly. It was a really big deal.
But we let that go because the previous experience, Yeah,
and because we thought she was kind of making progress
until we realized, hang on this, there is a threshold here,
and we probably need to lower our threshold and get
help earlier. As a result, there's something else to consider
(08:00):
here as well, and that is the constant barrage of
minor stresses like whining, and like sibling squabbles and the
bedtime battles and the fussy eating. They can also it's
not just about the child's function and how well they're doing.
They can also impact our well being and contribute to burnout.
It's kind of for a parent, it's like Chinese water torture.
(08:23):
It's like death by a thousand cards. Every single one
of these small stresses just keeps on chipping away at
our patients and our energy. We become exhausted, we become irritable,
we become sometimes resentful towards our children. And that again,
is this region beat a paradox. We probably need to
talk about solutions, but I just find it. It's such
(08:44):
a fascinating thing and I want to make sure that
we explain it properly well.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
I think the biggest challenge is then when we feel
stressed as parents, our kids pick up on that, and
then it adds to the stress and the cycle of
negativity that we're experiencing. And when we're stressed, we're not
at our best does so we're reacting harshly to our kids.
Like there's so many different dynamics that we look at.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
When you're just saying this. The US Surgeon General put
out a health advisory warning on parenting. He literally said,
parenting can be bad for your mental health. Be careful,
don't go into this blindfolded as a really really serious thing.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
Okay, so you've got a psychology PhD. Right, How can
parents reframe their perspective on these small, minor annoyances Because
it's the kids, it's work stuff, it's school stuff, it's
financial stuff, and all those bits and pieces hanging over
their heads all the time.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
All right, let's move quickly because our time is running out,
and we spend a lot of time just talking about
this paradox. I'm going to give an example. Let's look
at kids that are being whining, because we've dealt with
that pretty consistently over the years of most families will
admit that this comes up a lot. So instead of
seeing whining as defiance or as a kid who isn't
listening and who isn't getting it, we can view it
as a way of communicating an unmet need. And so
(09:58):
this is an empathy opportunity that we're so exhausted that
we don't want to be doing the empathy.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
But that's it.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Isn't it.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
We're exhausted as parents. I think across the board, everyone
I speak to is in the same boat. Even people
that previously I've spoken to are completely content with their
lives are really feeling the weight and pressure of life
as we know it now. It's really hard.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
So let me go back to empathy. Okay, we've got
this behavior that is a bit annoying, and we just
let it go, let it go, let it go, let
it go, or alternatively, we crack, which doesn't do anything
for anybody. I actually want to focus on self regulation here.
Self regulation is vital, it's about intention, but it's also
taxing to be self regulated. That's a really big challenge.
(10:46):
The definition of self regulation or emotional regulation is suppressing
or expressing your emotions appropriately for the context in harmony
with the values of goals. Okay, so if you blow up,
you're expressing yourself, but not necessarily. You've got a short
term goal. You want compliance, you want the kids to
just be quiet. But the long term goal is quite different,
and that is for our children to be able to
thrive into to do well here. So we've got to
(11:08):
have honest, empathic, clear conversations with our children, because that's
going to get us to the long term goal. It's
the explore, explain, empower conversations. And we can only do
that if we're well regulated, if we're emotionally balanced, and
I reckon, I reckon that. If we can do that
model it, we're also going to be much more effective
at teaching kids the calming techniques they need, like taking
(11:30):
a deep breath or taking a break. That sort of
stuff will help as well. And then the region beta
paradox takes care of itself because people are better regulated,
people are functioning better. We don't seem to have the
same challenges.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
So you're making this sound like it's very easy self
regulation when we've just acknowledged that we are feeling stressed, overwhelmed,
and exhausted. Yeah, so we need to talk about self
care because parents can't be self regulated if they're not
taking care of their own emotional wellbeing.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
Telling me ask you, I mean I travel a lot,
I'm not here a lot. You're the one that's actually
in the heat of the furnace much more than I
am around this. What would you say about self care?
Speaker 2 (12:14):
You have to be absolutely intentional, and I guess from
the outside looking in you could even say you have
to be selfish with some time. I wouldn't call it
selfishness because I think it's imperative. But it's so easy
as a mum, and I think mums struggle with it
more than dad's, no doubt. But it is so hard
(12:35):
to say I actually need to go for a walk
for half an hour, because there is a to do
list that is bigger than you're going to get through
in any given day anyway, and so the idea that
you would take a little bit of time out for
yourself feels like it's a cop out or it's a
waste of time compared to everything else that needs to happen.
(12:55):
And I'm watching it more and more with friends and
family who I don't have time to connect with my friends,
that is probably one of the biggest self care things
that we can do as women love it. We need
each other, we need community, but we spend so much
time being overwhelmed with our to do list that we
(13:16):
scrap that because it's not imperative to the way our
family functions. Okay, so I think we've got it all wrong.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
So I'm going to wrap this up fairly quickly. Now
there's one more thing that I want to talk about,
but just on what you've highlighted with the whole self
care issue, you've tapped into something that's absolutely vital, and
that is the importance of quality relationships, making sure that
you make time for other people. That that's really at
the heart of it. And anything else that you choose
to do has to be rejuvenating, which would mean in
(13:44):
ninety nine point nine percent of cases, it should not
involve your screen. Because your screen it depletes you, it
de energizes you, it takes you in exactly the opposite direction.
And if you have a good half an hour sit
on the couch staring at your screen, you very rarely,
if ever jump to your feet and say, well I
feel so much better now, I'm ready to go again.
You kind of just sit there and feel increasingly depleted.
It really does zapp your energy. So there are the
(14:05):
two things that I'd say, build those connections, find ways
to connect with other people, and stay off the screens. Now,
like I said, there's one more thing that I really
want to touch on. We are out of time, so
I have to go through it really fast. But I
think that it matters a great deal and that's how
parents can differentiate between typical child behaviors and potential underlying
issues that require intervention. Okay, this region beata paradox. We're
(14:28):
looking at this stuff that's annoying, annoying, annoying, annoying. It's
a niggle niggle, niggle niggle, but we don't do anything
about it. And we've talked about it in terms of
anxiety in our family and also ADHD in our family.
We haven't touched on that, but in both instances there's
been niggle niggle, niggle, niggle niggle, and we've decided to
put it off and put it off and put it off.
In two cases now with our kids, you have been
(14:49):
the one that picked up on it. I've acknowledged it.
I've seen that it's there, but I've had that it'll
be right, we'll just deal with it. I've had that approach,
whereas you've had a different approach. I've said, it's below
the threshold, we're handling it. You've stepped in and your
mama spidy senses have kicked into the point where you've
essentially convinced me to take it more seriously. And you've
(15:10):
been right both times. So what I would say, is
this as a parent, when you're dealing with these region
beta issues and you're concerned that it might be something else,
consider the frequency, consider the intensity, Consider the duration of
the behaviors that are drip dripping, and if it's persistent,
if it's causing significant distress, or if it's interfering with
function and daily life, it is worth exploring it with
(15:33):
a professional. You will get better guidance than doing what
I did and saying it'll be right.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
I think the other thing that's really important. One of
our children has had a significant health challenge for many years.
But I would go to the doctor regularly and tell
them that this was not right, what was happening with
her was not normal, and we would do all of
the tests and they would all come back clear. And
(16:00):
I did that for what ten years, at least about
ten years, because every twelve months, I'd go, we can't
keep going like this, yep.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
And it's a great example of a reagion beata paradox.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
I think that again, you just have to trust your
gut on their stuff and keep pushing through onto you
find the answers.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
Well, that also highlights another reality, and that is that
it might be above your threshold. But then you go
and see a medical practitioner or a mental health practitioner
and they say, oh, this is just the minor niggle
for them, it's a region beata issue and you're going
but this has been a minor niggle for ten years now.
It needs surgery. If I had a minor niggle in
my knee for ten years, I would go and get
something done about it. So deal with the niggles, get
(16:42):
on top of them. It matters. The Happy Family's podcast
is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. For more
on making your family happier and working on that self regulation,
check out our social pages on Facebook and Instagram, or
visit us at happy families dot com dot au
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