October 21, 2025 • 19 mins
It starts as a joke — “Mummy needs wine!” — but for many parents, that glass at the end of the day becomes more than just a meme. In this powerful and deeply honest conversation, Dr Justin Coulson talks with author and “Sober Awkward” podcast host Victoria Vanstone about her journey from party girl to sober mum — and how she broke free from the culture that told her alcohol was the answer. This episode will challenge how you see drinking, motherhood, and what self-care really means.
KEY POINTS:
- How alcohol became part of Victoria’s identity — and why it took motherhood to question it
- The emotional and social pressures behind “Mummy Wine Time” culture
- Why drinking in front of kids sends powerful hidden messages
- The quiet shame of “normal” drinking habits — and what to do if you’re starting to question yours
- The rise of “sober curious” parenting and what it looks like in real life
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:
“It’s not really about alcohol. It’s about who you were before it — and who comes after it.” — Victoria Vanstone
RESOURCES MENTIONED:
- A Thousand Wasted Sundays by Victoria Vanstone
- Mumming by Victoria Vanstone
- Podcast: Sober Awkward
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:
- Reflect on the messages your kids receive when they see you drinking or joking about it.
- If you’re curious about cutting back, start with a “sober curious” mindset — it’s about questioning, not quitting.
- Talk to your partner or a trusted friend about how alcohol fits (or doesn’t fit) in your family life.
- Explore support options — books, podcasts, therapy, or sober communities — if alcohol feels like it’s taking more than it gives.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hello, and welcome to the Happy Families podcast. My name's
doctor Justin Coulson, and I have a confession to make.
I don't drink alcohol, full stop, don't touch it, not
as Kylie my wife, missus Happy Families. But over the
last several months, in fact, over the last several years,
I've had several people ask me to do a podcast
about parents and alcohol, specifically Mummy Wine Time. I just
(00:29):
haven't felt like I can do it without sounding snobby
and self righteous and a bit of an old or
because I don't drink. So today I'm a Happy Families podcast,
a conversation about Mummy wine Time with someone who can
speak about it with more insight than anyone that I know.
Earlier this year, I spoke with Victoria Vanstone. Victoria is
the podcast host of Sober Awkward and the author of
a parenting memoir that I didn't want to read but
(00:50):
ended up loving, called Mumming. It was just delightful. Now,
after that podcast episode a, Victoria and I kept on chatting.
She told me about her podcast, Sober Awkward. She has
won awards for that pod, and she insisted on handing
me a personally signed copy of her book One thousand
wasted Sundays. I didn't think that it was going to
be my kind of thing because I don't drink and
(01:12):
it's not my kind of thing, like in a lot
of ways. But I read it in two sittings. I
would have read it in one sitting, but my flight
to Perth wasn't quite long enough to finish it. So
that is a long introduction, but I think it's worth it.
Victoria Vanstone is my guest on the podcast today and
we're going to talk about alcohol and parenting. Stay with us. Hello,
(01:32):
Welcome to The Happy Family's Podcast. I'm doctor Justin Colson.
Victoria Vanstone, Welcome back to The Happy Family's Pod.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Hi, thanks so much for having me again. I feel
sort of privileged to come on twice in such a
short period of time.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
Justin doesn't happen very often. I'm pretty selective about things.
But I think the ultimate compliment you can hear from
somebody about a book that you've written is wasn't interested,
didn't want to read it, couldn't put it down. And
that's how I kind of was with both of your books.
I don't read very many parenting books because I kind
of got the PhD in pairing, I don't need to
and I loved Mummy, which was what led to you
(02:05):
handing me A Thousand Wasted Sundays and saying, I think
you really like it, and oh my goodness, I mean
as a non drinker who doesn't do the stuff that
you describe in the book, I was completely captivated. But
even as a drinker, I think that I would have
been had I been one, if you know what I mean. Anyway,
(02:25):
let's just start at the start. A Thousand Wasted Sundays
tells the story of the role that alcohol played in
your life. I thought that it was a really enlarging
and remarkably redemptive read. I just I loved it, literally,
like I said, couldn't put it down except that the
flight ended and I had to get off the airplane.
Describe a bit more about the role of alcohol in
your life.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
I feel like alcohol was always coming for me from
the moment I was born, whether that was environmentally, culturally, generationally,
it felt like it was an arrow coming straight for
me and that I couldn't avoid it. So I don't
have a lot of shame about my drinking, because I
was just copying what the people around me were doing when.
(03:06):
As I grew up, my parents were sort of entertainers.
In the book, I describe if in a street full
of darkness, Our house was like the shining disco ball.
There was always something going on, always a party, and
it was never any sad drinking or alone drinking. It
was always what I would call a sort of cheerful pandemonium,
a sort of celebratory style of drinking. So from a
(03:29):
very young age, all I thought was, well, I want
a piece of that. Doesn't that look like fun? This
is how everybody lets their hair down and has fun,
and I'm going to join in. So that's what I did.
From a very young age, I started stealing alcohol from
the garage. As a teenager, I started using it to
help with my confidence. And it's a shame that alcohol
comes along at a very vulnerable age for most kids.
(03:51):
That's sort of twelve thirteen, fourteen, where we feel like
we really don't fit in. I certainly felt like that,
and suddenly I had this tool to make me the
funnest person in the room. And that continued through my teens,
and alcohol gave me something. It gave me a personality
almost and I never looked outside that personality until I
was in my forties. I became the ultimate party animal.
(04:14):
I was a reliable drinking buddy, and you would have
wanted me around. I was a good laugh. There were
lots of red flags whipping me across the face all
of those years, justin which I chose to ignore. You know,
I had promiscuous relationships. I was a recreational drug user,
because as soon as my inhibitions were out of the window,
anyone was passing me anything, I was shoving it down
my throat, like ecstasy and all sorts of things. I
(04:37):
was just a crazy party girl and I blew my
finger off with a firework on the Millennium Night. There
was a cult involved. I mean, you'll have to read
the book to find out about all of that stuff.
But alcohol was a huge part of my identity, and
it wasn't until I had my first child that I
was forced into questioning my intake.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
I want to talk more about their parenting aspects shortly, Victoria.
I've read a lot of memoirs. There's some of my
favorite books to read. I would say that this book,
A Thousand Wasted Sundays is potentially the most revealing memoir
that I've ever read. You don't really know me at all.
We've had a couple of conversations, but I feel like
I know you as a person. I feel like I
feel like I could sit down and just start chatting
(05:19):
away with you, as I'm sure many people have told
you when they've read your book, because it makes you
feel like we've known you your whole life, and anyone
who's listened to this conversation our family's home was the
shining disco ball in a dark street, cheerful, pandema. I mean,
I just love the way that you speak and right
revealing memoir in spite of the very, very very challenging
(05:41):
things that you share. I've already highlighted hopeful and redemptive
is how I would describe the book. I got weepy,
I laughed out loud on the airplane a couple of times.
But the thing for me was your personal insight into
the impact that alcohol was having. Can you step us
through that transition time as you went from being a
(06:02):
single to a marriage to now I've got a baby
and this, oh my goodness, alcohol is not doing for
me what I always thought it did for me.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
Well, when I got pregnant, Actually, my first ever sober
social event was actually my wedding day. I was about
three months pregnant and I went to my own wedding
and experience. You know, I was able to soak up
all the love in the room, and I thought, Oh,
isn't this strange? What strange world I've stepped into? Ye?
Speaker 1 (06:26):
Sorry, can I just I know that you've said that
so easily, but I want to emphasize this. The first
time that you've been to a social event and been
sober is your wedding day. And the only reason that
you're sober on your wedding day is because you've got
a little embryo growing away there, becoming a fetus. Yeah.
So yeah, even that for me, I think that's mind
blowing and worth just pausing on. Yes, never had a
(06:47):
social event, so but that's just astonishing.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Well why would I? Why would I? Somebody like me?
Why would I have ever gone to a party and
not had a drink. It just wasn't on my radar.
I equated drinking with fun, so I was always going
to be there, whether it was a house party, a
birthday or awake. I would have been bringing the fun.
That was my responsibility as a human being was to
show every body a good time, and actually to my
(07:11):
own detriment because it meant I gave myself away for
the entertainment of others, and that led to me having
to question my alcohol intake. Actually, but at my wedding
it was my first real insight into what sobriety might
be like, and I thought, well, isn't this lovely? But then,
of course, as soon as that baby was born, I
was actually in the hospital having a glass of champagne
still in the bed after a CEA section. So it
(07:32):
was clear that I wasn't going to stop and something
had to happen. And what happened was that I tried
to combine these two lives. There's a point in the
book where the mum and the party girl collide, and
that is really where my life began to change. It
was when I decided that I wanted to carry on
my very frivolous drinking habit. And when I talk about
(07:53):
a frivolous drinking habit, I mean I wasn't drinking every day.
I didn't have a bottle of Jack Daniels clutch to
my chest and on a park bench. I wasn't losing everything.
I'm talking about, a very normalized social binge drinking habit
which a lot of people will resonate with. I wasn't
anyone that you'd pick out of the crowd and say
she's got a problem. They'd probably say, well, VIC likes
a drink, isn't she fun? And because I grew up
(08:15):
with that mentality, I never stopped and questioned it. So
when I had a baby, suddenly I wanted to carry
on my normal life and go out at the weekends.
And I woke up one morning with a terrible hangover
and a baby crying in the room beyond, and it
was too much to bear. Well, I say it was
too much, but it caused me to question my intake,
(08:37):
and I spent four years questioning I was, you know,
having waters between wines and even like doing stupid things
like eating a fish on a Friday to try and
get rid of my hangovers. I was trying all the
Old wives tales. I never considered once actually stopping drinking.
But the problem with that was that when I was hungover,
(08:57):
I carried a lot of shame. For the first time ever,
having a baby was a massive consequence to my very
normal drinking habit, and it showed me that I wasn't
functional on a Sunday morning. Hence the book's called A
Thousand Wasted Sundays was because I wasn't able to function
and take care of my child. And that struggle went
on for four years where I'd go out with great,
(09:19):
great sort of thoughts that I'm going to be the
best drink in the world, and I'm going to go
home after one. But of course when I had that one,
my inhibitions were out of the window and I was
ordering a tray of shots. That's just the sort of
person I am. And you know, somebody might call me
an alcoholic, but I don't put myself in that box.
I'd say I was someone that struggled with an alcohol
use disorder. But it took me a long time to
(09:40):
realize that. In fact, I had to have another baby,
and after she was born six weeks afterwards, realized I
wasn't solving my own problems on my own, and I
walked into the land and I said to my husband,
I can't do this anymore. I need help. And that
was the moment everything changed.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
I've got to know what is your husband. It's John,
isn't it your husband?
Speaker 2 (09:59):
Yeah, yeah, what did he.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
Think as you were writing the book? Did he ever
say to you, Vica, it's pretty revealing. Do you really
need to tell that story? Did he ask you to
pull it back at any point or did he just say,
to your life, it's your story.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
He knew I was never going to pull it back.
And actually I was asked this question on my book
launch recently. Somebody said, you know, what does your husband think?
And I said to the audience, who here cares what
their husband thinks? We were like, there you go, there's
your answer. I mean, I think when I sat down
to write the book, never in a million years did
I imagine everyone reading it. I just thought, well, I'm
(10:33):
going to write this. I need to get this story
out of it. Therapy. Writing is a form of therapy
for me, and I knew that I could make people
laugh with all my kind of ridiculous tales, but perhaps
be able to help some people along the way by
people tuning into something that they never normally would like
yourself because of the humor and because of the honesty.
And that's what happened. So it's brutally honest, because literally,
(10:56):
I never imagined in a million years that anybody would
sit you know, read my inside my brain about my life.
So yeah, it made it a much more real and
you know, more interesting and tangible story because of that.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
Victoria Vnstone is the author of A thousand Wasted Sundays. Victoria,
what's your reaction to things like there's memes all over
the place mummy wine, tyme beer, a clock. There's all
sorts of comments and ideas around this. What are your
general thoughts from a sort of I guess a sociological perspective.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
Well, I think I was a perfect candidate for that.
You know, this transition from party girl to mum. It
made me quite vulnerable. They're pinking drinks, for example, which
is when you put rose in a pink can to
make it look like it's a nice drink from mum
who's got a new baby. So actually they're targeting people
like me, and I was the perfect person to be
targeted because I did struggle. I've gone from traveling all
(11:59):
over the world and being independent to being stuck at
home on my own with beige walls and a baby
crying in my arms, and obviously I found it quite dull.
I'm going to be one hundred percent honest with you,
that transition. I wasn't prepared for it. So therefore alcohol
became an answer for me and mummy wine time, that
wine down and reward at the end of the day
(12:19):
hit the right dopamine for me, and I was like,
oh right, I've worked really hard. I deserve a glass
of wine. Here's the baby to my husband, I'm going
to sit and have a glass of wine in the evening.
And I never questioned the messaging that that was giving.
I know now looking back that drinking in front of children,
it kind of gives them a message. You know, I
need to drink to deal with you. I need to
(12:41):
drink to deal with your behavior. You are stressing me out,
so therefore mummy needs to numb out. And I look
back and think, gosh, I'm so glad that my kids
were so young when I gave up drinking, because I
realized now it was really bad messaging. And it was
exactly the messaging that I was given as a child
which led me to become an drinker. And I think
(13:01):
when you're growing up and looking up to your peers
or your parents in particular, your spongy little child brain
is absorbing everything, and like me, my kids would have
equated fun having a glass of wine. So I'm glad
that I've been the cycle breaker, and I hope you
know I'm not silly justin. I'm sure my children may
drink as they get older. I've got three little kids,
(13:23):
one of them's turning thirteen. But I feel with me quitting.
I'm nearly eight years sober now that perhaps I didn't
have a choice about alcohol as I grew up, and
I'm hoping that my children do so.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
Fitting in is a really big deal. I mean, Australian
culture so much of it is centered around the opportunity
to drink alcohol. Over the years, I've faced enormous pressure
from fully grown adults who just can't comprehend that I
would go out and say, actually, no, I'm not drinking.
I don't drink alcohol. I just think it's bizarre. I've
had fully grown like people in their forties and fifties
(13:56):
and sixties doing everything I can to either course or
even trick me into consuming alcohol. I just don't drink.
What I'd love to know is when you look at
the social pressure around drinking, both for us and for
our kids, let's just stay with us for now. How
much of mummy wine time culture do you think is
actually about fitting in versus genuinely wanting to drink.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
I totally agree with you, justin that this is a
cultural issue where we think we have to drink to
fit in. But things are changing. Even in the time
that I've been sober. I think people worry what other
people's reactions are going to be. And I think we've
spent so many years of our lives, you know, dependent
on the opinions of others. And something that is wonderful
(14:42):
that comes along with sobriety is that you start to
have boundaries and really care about yourself, which is something
I never did. I never realized in this equation of
life that I mattered, and that my opinions mattered, and
that how I take care of myself matters, and how
that ripples on through my family. It's been a real
adjustment since I had therapy to understand that it's okay
(15:04):
for me to say no and stand my ground in
social situations. And actually, there is nothing more empowering now
for me than stepping into one of those situations where
you know, a mother's group and everybody's having a glass
of wine and going here I am, I'm owning it,
and I don't drink anymore. And things are changing in
a way that you know, people used to try and
twist my elbow and say, oh, you're boring, what's wrong
(15:26):
with you? And that's not happening as much anymore. In fact,
people are so much more aware of the impact on
mental health from drinking lots of alcohol that they're a
bit more like, well, well done, you know, well done.
Here's a pat on the back. You're doing a great thing.
And actually now people question me. Instead of going what
are you doing, they say why are you doing it?
Which is a really lovely turnaround.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
Yeah. Certainly, Statistically, the numbers show that people are less
inclined to drink today than at any point since we've
had research on this, that the pressure is definitely declining,
and it's been some time since anyone's given me a
hard time. Generally, it's more of a oh, good on you. Yeah,
I remember I did dry July, or I did sober October,
or I did whatever, and I felt better than I've
(16:10):
ever felt when I gave up drinking. There's more articles
in the press about giving up drinking than ever before,
but it still persists. Here's probably maybe the last question
to wrap up our conversation. For parents who are listening
to this and thinking maybe I should look at my
relationship with alcohol, but they're not ready to start using
the word sober or teetotaler or I've given up drinking,
(16:32):
what would you say to them? I mean, this is
not a conversation to convince the whole world to dry out,
but rather to question their drinking. Scott Galloway, who has
a very famous podcast, has been quoted as saying, from
his point of view, he just wants to make sure
that alcohol gives more to him than it takes from him,
and if it's giving him more than it's taken, then
(16:52):
he's happy with the equation there. How do you talk
to people about this when they start to strike up
these discussions with you.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
I'd say, not about how much you drink. It's about
your own mental relationship with alcohol. If that's going awry,
then it's you're worthy of seeking out support. And also
we forget that it's not really about alcohol. It's about
who you were before it and who comes after it.
That's really the journey. But also if you're someone that's
waking up on a Sunday morning, questioning your behavior the
(17:20):
night before and perhaps have a bit of a blackout
or you're really hungover or suffering from anxiety. We kind
of let that go as being part of the drinking,
and we're like, oh, well, I'm hungover, and we normalize
the feeling of being hungover, and actually that hangover is
a siren blaring in your face. This isn't working for you,
(17:43):
This is not working. And for me it was really hard.
I kind of fell through the gaps because I wasn't
that extreme drinker and I was this gray area drinker
where a lot of people don't get seen because they
don't feel like their problems got bad enough to be
deserving a professional help. So what I will say is
that no matter how much you drink or how it's
(18:03):
making you feel, you are worthy of reaching out for
some level of support. There's so much out there nowadays,
whether it's a book, a podcast, therapy or AA it
doesn't matter, and it doesn't matter how much you drink.
If drinking is not working, it is worthy of reaching
out and finding out. You are now sober curious. This
is this lovely term that's kind of been coined by
(18:26):
a lady called Ruby Warrington about ten years ago, and
it's for anyone who's questioning their alcohol intake. You are
now sober curious, and it's not this big word like alcoholic.
It's more like a warm hug that's going to go.
It's okay to question, and actually it means you're on
the right path to bettering yourself and your mental health.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
Victoria Venstone is the author of A Thousand Wasted Sundays
and Mumming, the memoir about a life in the year
of am I'm trying to get better, Victoria, as always,
just love the conversations, love you're insights, and love your
generosity and willingness to share. Thank you, Thank you.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
Justin.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Rouland from
Bridge Media. Like this one, share it Let your friends know.
I think that anything that can make your family happier
is worth sharing around. Just click those buttons. It takes
about ten seconds and share the Happy Families podcast. We
will link to Victoria's books in the show notes, as
well as her podcast Sober Awkward. If you'd like more
info about making your family happier, check out Happy families
(19:22):
dot com dot a You
Hello, and welcome to the Happy Families podcast. My name's
doctor Justin Coulson, and I have a confession to make.
I don't drink alcohol, full stop, don't touch it, not
as Kylie my wife, missus Happy Families. But over the
last several months, in fact, over the last several years,
I've had several people ask me to do a podcast
about parents and alcohol, specifically Mummy Wine Time. I just
(00:29):
haven't felt like I can do it without sounding snobby
and self righteous and a bit of an old or
because I don't drink. So today I'm a Happy Families podcast,
a conversation about Mummy wine Time with someone who can
speak about it with more insight than anyone that I know.
Earlier this year, I spoke with Victoria Vanstone. Victoria is
the podcast host of Sober Awkward and the author of
a parenting memoir that I didn't want to read but
(00:50):
ended up loving, called Mumming. It was just delightful. Now,
after that podcast episode a, Victoria and I kept on chatting.
She told me about her podcast, Sober Awkward. She has
won awards for that pod, and she insisted on handing
me a personally signed copy of her book One thousand
wasted Sundays. I didn't think that it was going to
be my kind of thing because I don't drink and
(01:12):
it's not my kind of thing, like in a lot
of ways. But I read it in two sittings. I
would have read it in one sitting, but my flight
to Perth wasn't quite long enough to finish it. So
that is a long introduction, but I think it's worth it.
Victoria Vanstone is my guest on the podcast today and
we're going to talk about alcohol and parenting. Stay with us. Hello,
(01:32):
Welcome to The Happy Family's Podcast. I'm doctor Justin Colson.
Victoria Vanstone, Welcome back to The Happy Family's Pod.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Hi, thanks so much for having me again. I feel
sort of privileged to come on twice in such a
short period of time.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
Justin doesn't happen very often. I'm pretty selective about things.
But I think the ultimate compliment you can hear from
somebody about a book that you've written is wasn't interested,
didn't want to read it, couldn't put it down. And
that's how I kind of was with both of your books.
I don't read very many parenting books because I kind
of got the PhD in pairing, I don't need to
and I loved Mummy, which was what led to you
(02:05):
handing me A Thousand Wasted Sundays and saying, I think
you really like it, and oh my goodness, I mean
as a non drinker who doesn't do the stuff that
you describe in the book, I was completely captivated. But
even as a drinker, I think that I would have
been had I been one, if you know what I mean. Anyway,
(02:25):
let's just start at the start. A Thousand Wasted Sundays
tells the story of the role that alcohol played in
your life. I thought that it was a really enlarging
and remarkably redemptive read. I just I loved it, literally,
like I said, couldn't put it down except that the
flight ended and I had to get off the airplane.
Describe a bit more about the role of alcohol in
your life.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
I feel like alcohol was always coming for me from
the moment I was born, whether that was environmentally, culturally, generationally,
it felt like it was an arrow coming straight for
me and that I couldn't avoid it. So I don't
have a lot of shame about my drinking, because I
was just copying what the people around me were doing when.
(03:06):
As I grew up, my parents were sort of entertainers.
In the book, I describe if in a street full
of darkness, Our house was like the shining disco ball.
There was always something going on, always a party, and
it was never any sad drinking or alone drinking. It
was always what I would call a sort of cheerful pandemonium,
a sort of celebratory style of drinking. So from a
(03:29):
very young age, all I thought was, well, I want
a piece of that. Doesn't that look like fun? This
is how everybody lets their hair down and has fun,
and I'm going to join in. So that's what I did.
From a very young age, I started stealing alcohol from
the garage. As a teenager, I started using it to
help with my confidence. And it's a shame that alcohol
comes along at a very vulnerable age for most kids.
(03:51):
That's sort of twelve thirteen, fourteen, where we feel like
we really don't fit in. I certainly felt like that,
and suddenly I had this tool to make me the
funnest person in the room. And that continued through my teens,
and alcohol gave me something. It gave me a personality
almost and I never looked outside that personality until I
was in my forties. I became the ultimate party animal.
(04:14):
I was a reliable drinking buddy, and you would have
wanted me around. I was a good laugh. There were
lots of red flags whipping me across the face all
of those years, justin which I chose to ignore. You know,
I had promiscuous relationships. I was a recreational drug user,
because as soon as my inhibitions were out of the window,
anyone was passing me anything, I was shoving it down
my throat, like ecstasy and all sorts of things. I
(04:37):
was just a crazy party girl and I blew my
finger off with a firework on the Millennium Night. There
was a cult involved. I mean, you'll have to read
the book to find out about all of that stuff.
But alcohol was a huge part of my identity, and
it wasn't until I had my first child that I
was forced into questioning my intake.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
I want to talk more about their parenting aspects shortly, Victoria.
I've read a lot of memoirs. There's some of my
favorite books to read. I would say that this book,
A Thousand Wasted Sundays is potentially the most revealing memoir
that I've ever read. You don't really know me at all.
We've had a couple of conversations, but I feel like
I know you as a person. I feel like I
feel like I could sit down and just start chatting
(05:19):
away with you, as I'm sure many people have told
you when they've read your book, because it makes you
feel like we've known you your whole life, and anyone
who's listened to this conversation our family's home was the
shining disco ball in a dark street, cheerful, pandema. I mean,
I just love the way that you speak and right
revealing memoir in spite of the very, very very challenging
(05:41):
things that you share. I've already highlighted hopeful and redemptive
is how I would describe the book. I got weepy,
I laughed out loud on the airplane a couple of times.
But the thing for me was your personal insight into
the impact that alcohol was having. Can you step us
through that transition time as you went from being a
(06:02):
single to a marriage to now I've got a baby
and this, oh my goodness, alcohol is not doing for
me what I always thought it did for me.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
Well, when I got pregnant, Actually, my first ever sober
social event was actually my wedding day. I was about
three months pregnant and I went to my own wedding
and experience. You know, I was able to soak up
all the love in the room, and I thought, Oh,
isn't this strange? What strange world I've stepped into? Ye?
Speaker 1 (06:26):
Sorry, can I just I know that you've said that
so easily, but I want to emphasize this. The first
time that you've been to a social event and been
sober is your wedding day. And the only reason that
you're sober on your wedding day is because you've got
a little embryo growing away there, becoming a fetus. Yeah.
So yeah, even that for me, I think that's mind
blowing and worth just pausing on. Yes, never had a
(06:47):
social event, so but that's just astonishing.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Well why would I? Why would I? Somebody like me?
Why would I have ever gone to a party and
not had a drink. It just wasn't on my radar.
I equated drinking with fun, so I was always going
to be there, whether it was a house party, a
birthday or awake. I would have been bringing the fun.
That was my responsibility as a human being was to
show every body a good time, and actually to my
(07:11):
own detriment because it meant I gave myself away for
the entertainment of others, and that led to me having
to question my alcohol intake. Actually, but at my wedding
it was my first real insight into what sobriety might
be like, and I thought, well, isn't this lovely? But then,
of course, as soon as that baby was born, I
was actually in the hospital having a glass of champagne
still in the bed after a CEA section. So it
(07:32):
was clear that I wasn't going to stop and something
had to happen. And what happened was that I tried
to combine these two lives. There's a point in the
book where the mum and the party girl collide, and
that is really where my life began to change. It
was when I decided that I wanted to carry on
my very frivolous drinking habit. And when I talk about
(07:53):
a frivolous drinking habit, I mean I wasn't drinking every day.
I didn't have a bottle of Jack Daniels clutch to
my chest and on a park bench. I wasn't losing everything.
I'm talking about, a very normalized social binge drinking habit
which a lot of people will resonate with. I wasn't
anyone that you'd pick out of the crowd and say
she's got a problem. They'd probably say, well, VIC likes
a drink, isn't she fun? And because I grew up
(08:15):
with that mentality, I never stopped and questioned it. So
when I had a baby, suddenly I wanted to carry
on my normal life and go out at the weekends.
And I woke up one morning with a terrible hangover
and a baby crying in the room beyond, and it
was too much to bear. Well, I say it was
too much, but it caused me to question my intake,
(08:37):
and I spent four years questioning I was, you know,
having waters between wines and even like doing stupid things
like eating a fish on a Friday to try and
get rid of my hangovers. I was trying all the
Old wives tales. I never considered once actually stopping drinking.
But the problem with that was that when I was hungover,
(08:57):
I carried a lot of shame. For the first time ever,
having a baby was a massive consequence to my very
normal drinking habit, and it showed me that I wasn't
functional on a Sunday morning. Hence the book's called A
Thousand Wasted Sundays was because I wasn't able to function
and take care of my child. And that struggle went
on for four years where I'd go out with great,
(09:19):
great sort of thoughts that I'm going to be the
best drink in the world, and I'm going to go
home after one. But of course when I had that one,
my inhibitions were out of the window and I was
ordering a tray of shots. That's just the sort of
person I am. And you know, somebody might call me
an alcoholic, but I don't put myself in that box.
I'd say I was someone that struggled with an alcohol
use disorder. But it took me a long time to
(09:40):
realize that. In fact, I had to have another baby,
and after she was born six weeks afterwards, realized I
wasn't solving my own problems on my own, and I
walked into the land and I said to my husband,
I can't do this anymore. I need help. And that
was the moment everything changed.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
I've got to know what is your husband. It's John,
isn't it your husband?
Speaker 2 (09:59):
Yeah, yeah, what did he.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
Think as you were writing the book? Did he ever
say to you, Vica, it's pretty revealing. Do you really
need to tell that story? Did he ask you to
pull it back at any point or did he just say,
to your life, it's your story.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
He knew I was never going to pull it back.
And actually I was asked this question on my book
launch recently. Somebody said, you know, what does your husband think?
And I said to the audience, who here cares what
their husband thinks? We were like, there you go, there's
your answer. I mean, I think when I sat down
to write the book, never in a million years did
I imagine everyone reading it. I just thought, well, I'm
(10:33):
going to write this. I need to get this story
out of it. Therapy. Writing is a form of therapy
for me, and I knew that I could make people
laugh with all my kind of ridiculous tales, but perhaps
be able to help some people along the way by
people tuning into something that they never normally would like
yourself because of the humor and because of the honesty.
And that's what happened. So it's brutally honest, because literally,
(10:56):
I never imagined in a million years that anybody would
sit you know, read my inside my brain about my life.
So yeah, it made it a much more real and
you know, more interesting and tangible story because of that.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
Victoria Vnstone is the author of A thousand Wasted Sundays. Victoria,
what's your reaction to things like there's memes all over
the place mummy wine, tyme beer, a clock. There's all
sorts of comments and ideas around this. What are your
general thoughts from a sort of I guess a sociological perspective.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
Well, I think I was a perfect candidate for that.
You know, this transition from party girl to mum. It
made me quite vulnerable. They're pinking drinks, for example, which
is when you put rose in a pink can to
make it look like it's a nice drink from mum
who's got a new baby. So actually they're targeting people
like me, and I was the perfect person to be
targeted because I did struggle. I've gone from traveling all
(11:59):
over the world and being independent to being stuck at
home on my own with beige walls and a baby
crying in my arms, and obviously I found it quite dull.
I'm going to be one hundred percent honest with you,
that transition. I wasn't prepared for it. So therefore alcohol
became an answer for me and mummy wine time, that
wine down and reward at the end of the day
(12:19):
hit the right dopamine for me, and I was like,
oh right, I've worked really hard. I deserve a glass
of wine. Here's the baby to my husband, I'm going
to sit and have a glass of wine in the evening.
And I never questioned the messaging that that was giving.
I know now looking back that drinking in front of children,
it kind of gives them a message. You know, I
need to drink to deal with you. I need to
(12:41):
drink to deal with your behavior. You are stressing me out,
so therefore mummy needs to numb out. And I look
back and think, gosh, I'm so glad that my kids
were so young when I gave up drinking, because I
realized now it was really bad messaging. And it was
exactly the messaging that I was given as a child
which led me to become an drinker. And I think
(13:01):
when you're growing up and looking up to your peers
or your parents in particular, your spongy little child brain
is absorbing everything, and like me, my kids would have
equated fun having a glass of wine. So I'm glad
that I've been the cycle breaker, and I hope you
know I'm not silly justin. I'm sure my children may
drink as they get older. I've got three little kids,
(13:23):
one of them's turning thirteen. But I feel with me quitting.
I'm nearly eight years sober now that perhaps I didn't
have a choice about alcohol as I grew up, and
I'm hoping that my children do so.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
Fitting in is a really big deal. I mean, Australian
culture so much of it is centered around the opportunity
to drink alcohol. Over the years, I've faced enormous pressure
from fully grown adults who just can't comprehend that I
would go out and say, actually, no, I'm not drinking.
I don't drink alcohol. I just think it's bizarre. I've
had fully grown like people in their forties and fifties
(13:56):
and sixties doing everything I can to either course or
even trick me into consuming alcohol. I just don't drink.
What I'd love to know is when you look at
the social pressure around drinking, both for us and for
our kids, let's just stay with us for now. How
much of mummy wine time culture do you think is
actually about fitting in versus genuinely wanting to drink.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
I totally agree with you, justin that this is a
cultural issue where we think we have to drink to
fit in. But things are changing. Even in the time
that I've been sober. I think people worry what other
people's reactions are going to be. And I think we've
spent so many years of our lives, you know, dependent
on the opinions of others. And something that is wonderful
(14:42):
that comes along with sobriety is that you start to
have boundaries and really care about yourself, which is something
I never did. I never realized in this equation of
life that I mattered, and that my opinions mattered, and
that how I take care of myself matters, and how
that ripples on through my family. It's been a real
adjustment since I had therapy to understand that it's okay
(15:04):
for me to say no and stand my ground in
social situations. And actually, there is nothing more empowering now
for me than stepping into one of those situations where
you know, a mother's group and everybody's having a glass
of wine and going here I am, I'm owning it,
and I don't drink anymore. And things are changing in
a way that you know, people used to try and
twist my elbow and say, oh, you're boring, what's wrong
(15:26):
with you? And that's not happening as much anymore. In fact,
people are so much more aware of the impact on
mental health from drinking lots of alcohol that they're a
bit more like, well, well done, you know, well done.
Here's a pat on the back. You're doing a great thing.
And actually now people question me. Instead of going what
are you doing, they say why are you doing it?
Which is a really lovely turnaround.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
Yeah. Certainly, Statistically, the numbers show that people are less
inclined to drink today than at any point since we've
had research on this, that the pressure is definitely declining,
and it's been some time since anyone's given me a
hard time. Generally, it's more of a oh, good on you. Yeah,
I remember I did dry July, or I did sober October,
or I did whatever, and I felt better than I've
(16:10):
ever felt when I gave up drinking. There's more articles
in the press about giving up drinking than ever before,
but it still persists. Here's probably maybe the last question
to wrap up our conversation. For parents who are listening
to this and thinking maybe I should look at my
relationship with alcohol, but they're not ready to start using
the word sober or teetotaler or I've given up drinking,
(16:32):
what would you say to them? I mean, this is
not a conversation to convince the whole world to dry out,
but rather to question their drinking. Scott Galloway, who has
a very famous podcast, has been quoted as saying, from
his point of view, he just wants to make sure
that alcohol gives more to him than it takes from him,
and if it's giving him more than it's taken, then
(16:52):
he's happy with the equation there. How do you talk
to people about this when they start to strike up
these discussions with you.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
I'd say, not about how much you drink. It's about
your own mental relationship with alcohol. If that's going awry,
then it's you're worthy of seeking out support. And also
we forget that it's not really about alcohol. It's about
who you were before it and who comes after it.
That's really the journey. But also if you're someone that's
waking up on a Sunday morning, questioning your behavior the
(17:20):
night before and perhaps have a bit of a blackout
or you're really hungover or suffering from anxiety. We kind
of let that go as being part of the drinking,
and we're like, oh, well, I'm hungover, and we normalize
the feeling of being hungover, and actually that hangover is
a siren blaring in your face. This isn't working for you,
(17:43):
This is not working. And for me it was really hard.
I kind of fell through the gaps because I wasn't
that extreme drinker and I was this gray area drinker
where a lot of people don't get seen because they
don't feel like their problems got bad enough to be
deserving a professional help. So what I will say is
that no matter how much you drink or how it's
(18:03):
making you feel, you are worthy of reaching out for
some level of support. There's so much out there nowadays,
whether it's a book, a podcast, therapy or AA it
doesn't matter, and it doesn't matter how much you drink.
If drinking is not working, it is worthy of reaching
out and finding out. You are now sober curious. This
is this lovely term that's kind of been coined by
(18:26):
a lady called Ruby Warrington about ten years ago, and
it's for anyone who's questioning their alcohol intake. You are
now sober curious, and it's not this big word like alcoholic.
It's more like a warm hug that's going to go.
It's okay to question, and actually it means you're on
the right path to bettering yourself and your mental health.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
Victoria Venstone is the author of A Thousand Wasted Sundays
and Mumming, the memoir about a life in the year
of am I'm trying to get better, Victoria, as always,
just love the conversations, love you're insights, and love your
generosity and willingness to share. Thank you, Thank you.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
Justin.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Rouland from
Bridge Media. Like this one, share it Let your friends know.
I think that anything that can make your family happier
is worth sharing around. Just click those buttons. It takes
about ten seconds and share the Happy Families podcast. We
will link to Victoria's books in the show notes, as
well as her podcast Sober Awkward. If you'd like more
info about making your family happier, check out Happy families
(19:22):
dot com dot a You
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