April 20, 2025 • 39 mins
Weddings! They say that women dream about their weddings as little girls. We’re here to give you the real-real on weddings! Let’s talk about what really goes into planning weddings, the family dynamics, the financial strain and looking back, what advice we’d give ourselves.
We had the pleasure of recording this season at Bittersweet Studios (@bittersweet.studios_)
The gorgeous set up for this season was done by the amazing Pink Lady Picnics: (@pinkladypicnics)
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Like no one was thinking of us like in that way,
remembering like w.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
T, why do you think weddings are attached like ego?
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Though? I really had to deep to speak up for myself. Hey,
sometimes let's throw.
Speaker 3 (00:16):
Just I'm always always be careful those.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Hi.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
I'm Amanda and I'm Rumby.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Welcome to It's Layered Podcasts.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
We are under the Blackcast Network powered by iHeart, and
we are recording in person in.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Studio, and we expect the airhorns from you.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
We just need to get that song.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
It's so good to be here and bittersweet studio with
this beautiful setup by Pink Lady Picnics enjoying our high
Tea or soft girl life era fully locked and loaded.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
This is our sign to the universe. We want a
soft life twenty twenty five, and we wish a soft
life twenty twenty five for you and you and you,
especially if you're a black woman.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Yeah, especially black women. We're not please, We're not God's
from the Soldiers twenty five. We're tired.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
We've checked out.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
We have played that role for too long. Agree Now
we need to lean into a feminine energy and enjoy life.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
But am I agree? One thousand percent. And speaking of
feminine energy, we're gonna talk about a topic that is
something that I guess where supposedly we dream about into
a little girl's I didn't really do this, but apparently,
and we're gonna be talking about wedding, wedding taking down
that aisle? Did you dream about it as a little girl,
(01:57):
like my wedding's gonna be like this, this or the other? Really?
I think.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
I think I love to party, definitely have a good time,
but wedding involves family.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
So immediately I was like, it's shot byed know this one?
Speaker 2 (02:13):
And also you like see a typical Zimbabwean wedding where
you have rice, chicken and cortloads and you cook the
night before and for women.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Of stress, stress, stress, stress stress.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
So I think you know when you I was lucky
enough to take part in a lot of those growing
up that I just every wedding just made me think.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
Not for me like work. This looks like work. You
basically sound like a wedding hater, but you you love
a good wedding. This is true.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
The African planning wedding Yeah, stressful.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
So how did it go for you? Can you give
us a bit of like a backstory of what was
you know.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
It's so funny because unintentionally we did like a COVID
wedding before COVID even happening. Yeah, twenty nineteen, so obviously
way before. It's so funny because my husband had been
like twenty twenty when we got engaged twenty eighteen, late
twenty eighteen. It's like, twenty twenty is a good ring
to it, and we can have time to save up,
(03:09):
you know, for a wedding, but whatever we want to do.
And I was like, Jack, I'm not being engaged to
you for that long, like that'd be over a year,
and I just you know, we were just doing a
lot of things financially at the time. We were thinking
of getting our first house together. So I remember thinking,
and then what how we do it? Like you'd have
to save all the money because you know, when you're
(03:29):
getting a more god, when you're getting a mortgage, they
look at all your innings and goings with your money
and they want to see stability. I was like, well,
how would that makes sense if we're doing this huge
financial draining thing. And then moreso like which one, So
why don't we just get the wedding out of the
way and then you know, hunkered down to get our
first house. So I remember we were like, I was like,
(03:52):
oh yeah, let's just do it next year. You know,
let's just do it. So it literally was just like
one step after the other in terms of wasn't really intentional,
but we definitely knew we wanted to honor because my
husband's from Germany, I'm from Zimbabwe.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
We live in Australia.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
We wanted to honor all three spaces and places, but
they're now when.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
You're doing that, badget the budget and budgets are like.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
And then obviously Roorra, which we spoke about just before
Rumby's won and previous seasons, we.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
Were like, how do you fit it all in a lot?
Speaker 2 (04:28):
How do you and especially because a lot of it
was going to fall onto us, like you know, SA
family can support, but can support so much they can't
run it all. So when we got to thinking, we
were like, okay, maybe we would just do Roorra in Zim,
an engagement party in Hamburg which Rumby also came to,
(04:49):
and then do like a long table dinner after having
a civil ceremony in Perth. So that is literally what
we did you know those COVID weddings you saw people
just strip it back. Yep, just you and you're very
very close few, or go to quarters, just you and
your witnesses and then after doing dinner. That is literally
what we did. So we're trend set ups, guys, just
(05:12):
letting you know for real, but unintentionally we set that
trend not knowing then when twenty twenty happened, you can
best believe I gave my husband a side I like,
I know at all because twenty twenty would not have worked.
But yeah, even that sounds complicated right that every week
we were in a different location, but it just worked
(05:34):
so well for us, and it made it accessible for
all our family and friends. Almost gave you no excuse,
right one of them you had one of the locations.
Ye surely if you're in our life, you're in one
of those close to one of those three locations. But
it's not to say when you do it small that
doesn't come with its own stresses, true, which we'll get.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
Into for sure. So yeah, but how about you room bed?
Did you do? So? You know people always ask me
like would you do it again? And I say no,
I say to my husband all the time, you better like,
this is it. If you leave me or I leave you,
I'm not doing it again. But it was beautiful, don't
(06:16):
get me wrong. We had Aurora traditional wedding and then
we had a white wedding similar to you, again honoring
the different cultures going to Zimbabwe to do our honoring
our traditions there. If you haven't listened to the RTA episode,
go find it, as Amanda said a couple of seasons back.
And then we had essentially the white I struggle called
(06:39):
white wedding, like but the sort of court wedding, not
even what people would call the white and where you
sign your papers. We had it in the Czech Republic,
obviously honoring that my husband is check and listen, I
agree with you. The family aspect, we were kind of
fortunate because in Zim at the time this was twenty
(07:01):
twenty two April, it was those that'd hunker down for
COVID then open things up like it kept on and off.
So the maximum number of guests at the time for
an outdoor event was two hundred and fifty people, which
I know a lot of people are like, that's a
lot of people, but zoom for zoom it's not typically
(07:21):
five hundred plus exactly, So that helped dwindle down the numbers.
And I think tapping on family to help with different
like logistical aspects of it helps a lot. I remember
sourcing a lot of things from South Africa because Zimbabwean
prices just do not make sense. I had the help
of a good friend of mine and my sister who
(07:43):
sourced and then shipped things over. That helped a ton.
And having it in my parents' garden, so like the
celebration because essentially what I wanted to do was to
say to my parents, this is your day. So the
actual wrought up proceedings and that happened with a much
smaller group and was more intimate. Then everyone comes and celebrates, which.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
Is quite typical I mean the same year, because there's
like certain roles people have to play and not everyone
is invited to that. It's very I think always has
been very nuclear for that part, our version of nuclear.
And then then you have people lunch everyone. But I
(08:22):
love how I mean we talked about our own the episode.
It has kind of circled back and become more predominant,
yes than a while before.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
For sure, because it used to be like if people
just did, people will be like, huh, but now we
all overstand the cost of weddings.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
Why do you think there's a pressure to have a
wedding even in mondern society? Like surely why? I think
COVID it boils.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
Back to that little girl thing when you're a little girl,
like you dream of this day. And obviously capitalism capitalizes
on people's dreams, right, so as soon as you say
anything as a wedding. So for a lot of things,
especially with RA I got other people to just say
I need this for my check wedding. I said, I'm
going to someone's wedding, not it's mine, just for cost implications.
(09:12):
So I think that's why so expensive people know you
will go all out, just like how businesses capitalize on parents,
knowing that parents want to give their children the best,
so they're willing to fork out. Yeah, I don't know
what you think.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
And I think it's like so somehow whatever really marketed
this like stuck it down hour Like you can't even
imagine not having one. It's like if you don't have one,
are you really married?
Speaker 1 (09:43):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (09:44):
You know, And I think COVID a whole freaking pandemic
is what made people think o atually, actually it's just
a legal binding document can do in a legal office.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
This really is a band, that's it.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
Especially if you're not religious, you know, you can just
go with your witness and you're married.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
And I think people had almost forgotten that.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
And I mean we we obviously for logistics did that,
but now I think we're circling back to the ramping
up and now and I think it's also aspirational for
some reason. People definitely use it as a couple of
move made our mark. You know, you see in a
group of principle which I app each other with things
copy each other.
Speaker 1 (10:26):
I mean Kim Kadeshian and things like I got married
and to him.
Speaker 2 (10:31):
So like everyone throughout whether your celebrity all the way
is just weddings are just like.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
And it's supposed to be a mid day similar you
know how someone some people will be like Rachel and
then it's like it's their birthday, yeah, and they really
like try and like show up, like look at me,
celebrating me. I think it's a sign that people don't
feel seen all the time, celebrated all the time, where
some of I was like cowering, like I remember when
you asked me what do you want for your bachelor
(10:59):
and I was like, I just want my p around.
Like I think it's a sign that maybe people feel
not seen or celebrated and family it's a family emblem.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
Oh yes, you know, because the family also feels the
need to step in. Remember the friends waiting, They were like, oh,
should we do know alcohol? And the dad's eyes almost
boulge out of his head, like how are we gonna
do this wedding with my friends?
Speaker 1 (11:20):
There? Rolling deep, no sober, nope.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
And then you know, obviously zimbabwe especially and I'm sure
a lot of people know about this. Zimbabweans are known
for drinking, reputation for drinking.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
So now it's like to have fun without it.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
So I think also for family, like I don't have
that feeling yet with jeromy is probably way too young,
but I wonder when it comes.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Along where I'm like I have to have it.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
Yeah, we even see some families out gifting each other.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
Also, speaking of family, how does I how does one
navigate all the demands of family, demand of friends, Because
now you're seeing the example is like families saying we
don't want alcohol in the dad saying but my homies.
How do you expect siblings, spouse, and yourself when you're
(12:10):
planning and having.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
Do you navigate the do you someone's going to be upset? Yep, yep,
you should know. I mean it depends what I personally are.
I think this is where that brings her to the forefront.
Some people are like, ah, my parents are planning everything
and I'm just along for the ride, especially if they're
financially providing.
Speaker 4 (12:30):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
Then some people are like, I wanted this way. I've
thought about it ever since I was a little girl. Yes,
you know, it's like such an array. I don't know
how I think for self, you have to just be
able to communicate with your people and be honest, especially
about your budget and your expectations. I would personally say,
(12:51):
just to make sure that everything is done, it's done properly.
You have to obviously say these are my limits, this
is what I can do, this is what I can't do.
But really, as Rumby said, expect disappointment. Expect people to
think you need to provide everything that they've ever thought
of as your own wedding.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
How did you navigate? Oh, if you can give.
Speaker 2 (13:13):
Us, I think I was really honest so see you
can imagine when we had the chat, I started chat
with all my tetters. I barely chat to talk about Rora.
Then once we were having that chat, I was like, oh,
by the way, the wedding is two weeks later and
it's you're you guys are not going to be like
(13:34):
it's super small. And because we're choosing between Rora and
a wedding, which one, I pretty much gave them the choice,
but I knew what they would choose, so I kind
of played the game. Family is really, especially as a
publican family really rooted in Rorra and it's that's more personal.
So I knew they would choose to do that. And
there's this perception that you can always do a wedding later. Yes,
(13:57):
you can always do a wedding when you're more financially stable,
or even for go one if things are really tough
or family can't rally around you. So I gave them
the choice because I can't do both, choose one. They
chose Rara, and then once they did that, I kind
of knew, Okay, now the wedding is just for me
and our Australian family.
Speaker 1 (14:16):
Which our refriends.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
But it was definitely not a like there was a
bit of pushback. They're like, oh, so Germans don't get married,
and they're like, read what but then they don't do race.
It was like back and forth, back and forth, and
then eventually it was like sunk in and I think
I almost use like the threat all, but then we
(14:39):
also don't have to do anything. Hey, like y'all and
Zimbabweans are like, that's the end of the world and
I'm here in Australia, Oh, you're not already married. This
is like so I think I just used a bit
of practicality and also finances at the end of the
day is what answer did for us us because it
(15:01):
was like, okay, you can have your opinion, but how
much are you forking out.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
To help us with that said opinion?
Speaker 2 (15:06):
And then when people realize, oh, I have to financially contribute,
you realize people didn't Oh yeah, what you're doing is fine, great,
Oh my gosh, good idea. You know, oh you're also
getting to Germany on ah, great idea.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
And the opinion you are almost forced to be less
because they're not fucking out, yes exactly, all dependent on
you on news. So that's almost like the benefit if
you are financing your own weddings. Yeah, as opposed to you.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
So it was like, okay, okay, that's fine, Oh this
is new, you know, and and there, and there's a
running joke now my family that yeah, we were ahead
of the time and we knew COVID was happening because
we did like a COVID style wedding before. But yeah, really,
even if COVID hadn't happened, that's what we had chosen
to do.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
Yeah, and it worked for us. And that's the thing.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
That's the thing with weddings. You have to make it
work for you. Whatever that looks like it's for you.
And so you know, you go to some weddings and
you're like, oh this theme, oh this press them or
whatever it.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Is, like how did you come up with?
Speaker 2 (16:03):
But then it's so then true, So I feel like
you weddings, I guess there are a form of identity.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
People use them to show what type of couple they are.
They are That definitely helped in terms of like our
having to be foot the bill and so that helped.
With the say and with numbers, you're managing number room,
how did you manage numbers? Like you said, honestly and
(16:31):
like some straight shooting, some straight talks and kind of
giving quotas to different sides of the family, saying like
this is all we have because in Europe, unfortunately, you
pay per head. It's not like in Zoom where you
can just make it, make a plan and then having
to allocate. Of course, some folks who rubbed the wrong way,
but we also had to be honest to ourselves. We
wanted to live after the wedding, so it's you almost
(16:55):
have to learn to step up. And I think what
helped was we were aligned with my husband like on
what we were about, and that was a very key.
So we never ever thought or argued like oh but
I wanted like we had agreed on how we wanted
things to be, and it was just like getting everyone
else on yeah yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
But did you have to because obviously did you have
to equalize numbers? Like how did numbers I'm just trying
to think. Obviously for the Rora usually typically zim site
of course, and obviously in zo I guess Tom would
have autumn, But for check, how did you work that?
Speaker 1 (17:29):
So I just said it was their side now running
and you need to equalize. So they shouldn't feel overpowered. Yeah,
you know with the ZIM squad, but I mean they
still did to some degree. But yeah, it was really
like it's there's time to shine and budget.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
Yeah, to be fair, Why do you think weddings are
attached like ego though? Because I feel like, you know,
I kind of touched upon that saying, you know, people
feel like that's the.
Speaker 1 (17:54):
Time to shine. Why do you think it's so? It
really is the event that all eyes on you and
people get to see you who you are, you and
your person Like I think, so it's like I want
to come across or position myself this way in this light.
And so it is really much about like perception. If
(18:16):
you think about egos, all about how I'm perceived, how
I look to the world. I want to look a
certain way and be understood a certain way. It's a
lot to do that. And then culturally, for us, I
think family see it as a rite of passage that
your child goes through this. And then comparison culture, which
we've spoken about in previous episodes, also plays a part.
(18:38):
Because my friend did this, I want to look even
better than they did, and they did this, and I
want to do even more than they, So it's all
keeping up with the Joneses. It's all kind of people
will think I'm not this if it doesn't look like that,
so and so and so forth. I remember even at Rhora,
I wanted, you know, to wear pants, and I was like, oh,
what will people say? And I was adamant that my
(19:02):
bridal team wore pants. And then I wore dress for
like the blessing, but I still change into pants. So
it's like you're always like compromise, compromising and so on.
And then I refused to like a head rapper. I
was like, it's not just it's not going to happen,
so it's yeah, things like that. It's funny like some
things are just expected of you.
Speaker 2 (19:19):
But like, what do you think when it comes to
friendships though, because I feel like, okay, family, I guess,
as you said right off passage and typically in our
culture with family, they do it for someone else. So
we notice that, like even even me, some weddings where
the mom kuru that's like the older uncle or the
mom nini younger uncle who walk you down the aisle,
not the actual dad. And then maybe I'm guessing your
(19:43):
actual dad would have done the same for their your
cousins essentially, or you know, speeches are done by instead.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Of your actual like I do think sometimes was like
to get back, like I've done for everyone else, so
it's my time to get back. It's almost like an investment, yes,
but you know, like in the Western world you invest
like money into accounts that that realize and you know,
an appreciation there's you know, but like it's like I
gave X amount of this person's so now when my
child's getting married, they're gonna bring this back. And it's
(20:10):
like it's not guaranteed that.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
Yes, some people will be like, oh if you people
give you if you you know, and you're like, what
if they don't.
Speaker 1 (20:17):
Yes, So that came up as well around like oh,
you can just like take the money from gifts. You
get to pay for extra people we need, And I
was like, no, that's like bad like bad finance, financial planning.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
But you know, with friends, why do you think our
ego like I reckon.
Speaker 1 (20:36):
People?
Speaker 2 (20:37):
Also the friends want to feel special, yes, and like
if you're part of the bridal party or if you're not,
if you're planning the hands or making the close like.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:47):
And also a bit of the I did yours, you
do mine starts to happen. But then also family structures,
like some people will be like only if they have
lots of sisters, all my sisters and my bridesmaids. But
then if they're friends don't have sisters or and it's like, okay,
but you were my bride's maid, like don't you. It's
always so funny. All these awkward conversations.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
Have to happen, and I don't think you ever really
have that conversation with friends, Like so when it's my wedding,
this is how I'm seeing it, and you will unfortunately
not be because you don't really have that happens, and
you kind of have to be like, well, this this
is how it's happening. Do you understand what There's a.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
Lot of assumptions we're friends. Of course, I'm going yeah,
but in mind.
Speaker 1 (21:26):
But you don't necessarily have that, so yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
Why do you think it's socially acceptable for wedding to
like leave people in financial ruin because we all know,
I mean you said it yourself.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
Like with the gifts, people were like, oh, if you
get gifts and.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
You can cover the cost, but you're already paid for
the cost, so you're ready and you may never reach
And what if that gift doesn't come through you when
you get pots and pans instead of.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
Do you think it's keeping up with the Joneses thing
and it only comes by once and we know with
the statistics around marriage and divorce it's no. But yeah,
I really think it is kind of like if not
for this, then what we don't have? Other events we
don't have like you've like retired, Like maybe certain birthdays
(22:14):
like fortieth, fifty and sixtieth you do, but there's no expectations.
There's no this like when you're sixty you have to
have this huge party. Yeah, it may be common, but
weddings it's like this is the one time you throw
it all out there and go big or go home. Yeah.
And I think the fact that, for instance, you can
get loans for weddings shows that it's all like capitalizing
(22:37):
on people's desire to have maybe what is not within
their regions. Yeah time.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
Yeah, and I think like social media doesn't help as well,
because now you're comparing yourself to a celebrity like yes,
and you're like, oh they did this in Italy.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
Ah my guy, I'd be seeing all these tuscan I'm
like all these places and you're like, guy.
Speaker 2 (22:57):
But and also the funny thing is, and I think
even like courte niy Kodashian talking about that showed this,
some of those weddings can be sponsored, like I think
torturing Bana like literally so things like you are comparing
yourself even even they're not paying for their wedding.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
You know, isn't that just insane? I don't know.
Speaker 2 (23:18):
It's like sometimes I'm like, are we okay as the people?
Speaker 1 (23:20):
We're not? And I think we're gonna be studied. I'm
scared to you know, sometimes you look back in history
and you're like, what were they thinking? We are definitely
going to be a generation where they're like what were
they thinking? Yeah? Yeah, yeah. What are the realities of
wedding planning that often aren't spoken about? Because I feel
sometimes you just like fumble into You're like, WHOA, I
do not I never expected this.
Speaker 2 (23:42):
I think family dynamics, like true, talk about that, family
dynamics like whether even if your parents are still together,
whether if you're like now in a single parent home
or your parents are remain whatever, this whatever your setup is,
it truly brings that all, if there's any unspoken conversations,
(24:03):
any unspoken drama, any of that, if there's alcoholism in
the family, if there's whatever it is, stinginess, people don't
want to.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
Help like whatever it is.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
Yes, it's just like brings it all up to the surface.
You're like, oh, yeah, you really don't roll with me,
or well you really do roll with me, semple just
hunkered down and help you with anything and everything you
need for wedding, you know.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
So it's just and I think also then finances is
a big reason why that these dynamics come to the forefront,
because anything to do with the money brings out different
sides of people that maybe you don't.
Speaker 2 (24:38):
Necessarily be on a daily definitely, And yeah, you're so right,
And I think we don't want to be judged. So
people will be like, oh, we're not going to get
that cater or we're not going to get this or
that because of this and that. And you're like huhmm, yeah,
you know, we're going to get married in the church
because my church buddies can't you know, you can't just
do a garden wedding.
Speaker 1 (24:57):
What is that? You know?
Speaker 2 (24:58):
So it's like I don't know if I feel like
it's it's like we use weddings as a way to
be like, oh, this is how you are in the world,
this is you.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
I agree, but it's not. And I think for me,
another reality of wedding planning is that what you envision
is not necessarily what always happens, or you don't always
you're always able to materialize that. It could be financially,
it could be service providers wise, it could be something happens,
(25:29):
or you know, certain family members aren't there, that your
father can't walk you down the aisle, Yeah, do you understand?
And and sometimes in those moments you have to let
that go. There's a lot of letting letting go. I
think that we don't compromise your lies. Yes, And also
you're not marrying yourself. Yeah, so like you imagine you're
wrappling these thoughts your husband. Most husbands probably aren't, but
(25:51):
you know they're also going to bring their dynamics to
the forefront, right Whereas like even with friendships, I remember,
I've been to so many weddings with it, Oh my
my partner only has two friends.
Speaker 2 (26:02):
And then you're like, I'm rolling five deep. Who do
I drop off the marital list now because or or
vice versa, you only have two girlfriends and you got
to rustle up three more, you know. So I find
that I don't know, but it's just it brings every
eat and every dynamic of your life comes.
Speaker 1 (26:20):
And within yourself to start grappling, like expectations versus reality
and all these kinds of things. How do you reckon
people should feel if they're not asked to be a bridesmaid.
I think it's normal to feel like you if you
wanted to be there for that person that you couldn't.
(26:41):
I mean, if I think of your wedding, I was
able to be at your engagement party, but because I
was starting my life and you in the Czech Republic,
I couldn't make it to the Australian wedding. And it's
something I will always know, like I never got to
be there, but at the same time it was the
best decision. Yeah, but I don't even think like that,
And so like I think I showed up for you
(27:02):
in the way, so I understand the feeling. And I
remember when you thought you could make my wedding, like
I understood your feeling of it. But I think it's
also like the way it's supposed to be. It will
be the way it's supposed to be. And the most
important thing for you as a friend to a friend
getting married is for you to be happy for them
(27:24):
and support them. There are enough stresses around them and
for you to be like, oh, why wasn't I, Why
wasn't I. It adds like a sour taste to what
already a complex. So I think it's normal to feel
that way. But I think there are other ways to
show up. You can write a letter, you can you know,
do a video, you can give them. There's so many
(27:45):
different ways you can show up if you're thoughtful, and
I think people still underestimate the importance of thoughtfulness beyond
just like monetary. But there's ways when you can show
up for those you love in like unique ways that
say you still care and support them. It could be
running around with them, it could be Yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:05):
I think lots of friendships fracture around weddings, which is
so it's almost ironic, right, we were celebrating love and
then people like simple tell you that she was my
bridesmaid and it was horrible. We weren't vibing and I
haven't talked to her since my wedding, so like, but
it was a wedding, yeah, you know. And I think
also like even people do ask you to be part
(28:26):
of the bridal team doesn't almost necessarily mean it's like
this amazing thing.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
Sometimes you're like now.
Speaker 2 (28:32):
Stressful, Yeah, now you're stuck with them, but like that,
or you're financially also putting in Like I think, as
you're saying about my wedding, I never thought that about you.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
I think I automatically knew. Of course.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
I think that was what I was quite grateful about
with our wedding. Were quite realistic of where of how
things work. Yes, I mean even my own families weren't
in the one Australia because who's about to be doing
a visa? And like we just was too much admin.
So I guess it's like but obviously you personally would think,
oh it would have been nice, But I think you
have to also have a touch of realism for sure.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
And that's similar the thing when you thought you could
make it, I completely understood. And even like inviting people,
people were like, oh, sorry, I can't come. I was like,
it's fine, I don't want to put you out because
these things add up especially when you're in the age
of like, way everybody is getting married around you. But
based on our experience and what you've learned through getting
married and all that, what do you wish you'd known
(29:30):
about weddings before? And what would you advise your younger
self on.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
Communicate honest, communicating to you about what about everything? So,
like we're talking about bridal party, if you do have
a homie who's like making a joke like, oh, I
can't wait at your wedding and you know they're not
going to be one, Like, let's start also be as
you know needs, Yeah, planting seeds or explaining a situation. Yeah,
(29:55):
I think once people like feel they like I feel
like when people are blindsided, that's when this problem starts.
So whether it's financially blindsided, like oh I didn't realize
that my bridesmaid I have to pay for it?
Speaker 1 (30:07):
D D D DA DA dad, Like, be honest.
Speaker 2 (30:09):
Okay, girls, girlies, if this is what you know, if
this is what I'll be expecting, you're gonna maybe forg
off your own dress. It's gonna be a detonation wedding.
It's gonna always be. But then also realize in doing
that that you're gonna get the feedback back and then
how you deal with that. So if someone says, oh, sorry,
I really can't afford these loose button shoes you want
us to all wear? Yeah, and then what does that
(30:31):
understand it? Do you know either you pay for them
or you don't. Do you put that within your budget
or not? So I feel like it's open honesty in
every aspect, but especially like obviously relationships or relational telling
your parents if something's gone too far or you know,
it's just be prepared for awkward, honest conversations, don't avoid them. True,
(30:55):
because whichever way it's gonna come to roost, bra.
Speaker 1 (31:01):
And you've hit the nail, the nail on the head
around like, be prepared to stand up for yourself. There's
one thing I would give myself advice on is like
trust yourself and know you are your best advocates. Yeah,
in those situations. I think something I learned during our
wedding process is that you can be generous in how
(31:22):
you approach your wedding, but don't expect everyone around you
to be.
Speaker 2 (31:26):
Selfless or like make you, make you priority. They also
want to feel they.
Speaker 1 (31:31):
Also have their own sort of agenda, and.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
You should probably be a bit more selfish. It's probably
what I would say and communicate with your partner. Chair
sometimes he doesn't get the dynamics and it's.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
Like, oh, why don't we just do it? That's not
how this family or you know. So there's so many
little things. I'm like, we should have just been like whatever.
I would have gone on honeymoon immediately after. I think
we travel with my parents because it was their first
time to the check Republic. Wouldn't do that again.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
Yeah, I was actually gonna ask something definitely, what would
be like, guys, I love you, I'm out, because I
ended up being very frustrated, like spending so much time
in post proximity with my parents doing everything for them
after we like.
Speaker 1 (32:15):
Had really labored on the way labored on the wedding day,
and I think I really felt that loneliness for our
check wedding. We did a lot of work, the two
of us. We had wedding planners, thank goodness. Uh, but
I mean my husband had to go pick up his
parents and drive them to the vein like no one
was thinking of us like in that way, and I
(32:35):
remembering like wtf, Like that really hosting hosting. It brought
to light and my system. She came about like a
week or two early. She was like, you guys are
really doing this alone? And I was like, yeah, so
I think that was an eye opener. Would you do
different than in that aspect, I'd be like, you're figuring
yourselves out, like we planned like transport from the thing
(32:57):
and the people are like, no, I'm gonna come from there. No,
the honeymoon. Definitely would do it alone. And Yeah, a
bit more adamant on certain things we wanted though. I
think I was quite clear on what I did or
did not want, but I really had to dig deep
to speak up for myself, especially with family on certain things,
(33:19):
which is hard, especially we don't speak like that where
we come from. Yeah, definitely you just accept for sure. Yeah. Yeah.
And last one, as we wrap this, if you could
do it all over again, what would you do exactly
the same? And what would you forego?
Speaker 2 (33:36):
Wow, exactly the same, exactly the same. Probably still going
to the three destinations over three weeks because I feel
like we saw a lot of people along our journey
who at certain aspects of our relationship have been there. Yeah,
So like everyone got to play homage or you.
Speaker 1 (33:55):
Know, the party.
Speaker 2 (33:58):
So definitely, very very happy We've got to do. It's
a lot of planning, especially when you're traveling and the
jet like yo, but you know it, I was very
grateful and I've got to show myself's family Zimbabwe as well.
So I think it was it was that part I
would do exactly the same. It was just so beautiful
(34:19):
for going, I think being a bit relaxed about creating memories,
so especially for Zimbabwe. A lot of my family since then,
I've since passed away. I mean COVID then happened, so
I think not having like a videographer or an official photographer.
Obviously we took photos on their phones, yes, but I
should have probably just gone that extra step. Even though
(34:41):
it was Rora and Rota mine June twenty nineteen to now,
it's changed very as drastically changed, which I'm really happy about.
But at the same time, it also means that there
was some stuff that's so standard now that wasn't then. Yes,
and forgetting a videographer and a photographers. Definitely, And I've
had some cousins of mine we're like, oh my god,
last person I saw, last time I saw that person
(35:03):
sutural like, so it seemed like it bought a lot
of people in my family just by chance together to
get that and to not have proper documentation for that
is a bit sad.
Speaker 1 (35:12):
Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 2 (35:13):
And then the same thing happened in Germany. Same thing.
I didn't have an official photographer or a videographer. Same
thing in Perth. You know, we had friends chipping and
help us, but like I should have. It's now it
seems like such a silly cost that I could have
just paid for. But at the time I thought, oh,
I can't be bothered, you know, and obvious I would
have to have three different sets of teens. There was
(35:35):
three different so I just thought, I'm a long list
of things to do. It just fell way way down.
But then now it's one of the last thing things
that could have had, you know what I mean. So
I feel like, yeah, definitely, please get a hodeographer and photographer.
Speaker 1 (35:51):
We'll just do it for your for your tenure.
Speaker 4 (35:53):
Yeah yeah, yeah again, But like yeah, I just it's
it's sweet memories I have of all these people, but
now they're just in my head because a lot of
people showed up and we're really grateful but we don't
actually have good documentary.
Speaker 1 (36:07):
But I will say, at least you still have that memory.
I do know how to treat it. Like imagine you'd
be like, well, I'm not doing any of this, Like
I still have that for sure, that memory for me.
I think I loved both my weddings. I think my vision.
I was very like sure on what I wanted, and
(36:27):
I think I love that I paid a much to
like Zim like I'm we ate out of metal plates
and what I remember. My mom was like huh and
I literally was like, yep, I know what I want
and I knew it. Even the tint if I tell
you how we panted for that tint to the stretch
tint and they're like, no, just get this, and I
was like, no, I.
Speaker 2 (36:46):
Knew they want to get the standards the standard, but
like I just hadn't we had like hey for people
to sit on during them bliss all these things. It's
like trusting my vision, and I think it was a
good reminder that you do have that create bone and
like there's something there and to trust.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
Again, I keep saying, trusting yourself. I think it's a
big thing because then I can still sit here and
be like, I'm so happy with that turned out. I
would change what I said about the honeymoon and all
that dynamic for sure. And I think I would invite
more friends. Okay to which one to our check wedding.
I think I would invite more friends because friends have
(37:25):
really shown up more in a lot of ways than family,
which is a really interesting thing because I think our parents'
generation we were talking about this, it was a different dynamic.
Family showed up. But for me, I found that friends
really show up the most. So I would definitely shift
that around. And but yeah, I'm glad we timed it all.
We did two in one year, which is mad. I mean,
(37:47):
you did three in like a couple of weeks. But yeah,
and I wouldn't have been so generous, That's what I'll say,
with your time, with your with our money, or I
think I love how like general we were with our
like rides maids and team, because obviously we're there because
you guys had our back, But there's some things I'm like,
we didn't need to do all that team too much
(38:09):
too much.
Speaker 2 (38:10):
Yeah it was beautiful, so we appreciate whatever it was
you were doing.
Speaker 1 (38:14):
But I yeah, yeah, this has been good, like going
back down memory. Yeah, because we talked about but we
never had this.
Speaker 2 (38:21):
Yeah, we talked about dating, we talked about marriage, but
like I think I was just Scott waiting.
Speaker 1 (38:26):
Yeah, because it's draining.
Speaker 2 (38:28):
It is very draining, and you're almost like for you
and I were such planners live in your head. Yeah,
and sometimes even on the day to keep your mind
the days or day and to keep your minding yourself
to actually enjoy your hard labor after plannel. But we
were up at two am for my cooking and the
time you're like serving that.
Speaker 1 (38:45):
Food like you're best eating it and enjoy this. But like, yeah,
I definitely did that and it was the best decision
because it was the most perfect two days, like it
could not have Like I enjoyed it. Things didn't work out,
like our translator for the check wedding didn't arrive, but
I was calm. You know, the dance floor thing. You
didn't realize. I was fine, like, yeah, don't be a
(39:08):
bright dance but didn't come.
Speaker 2 (39:09):
You see, these are things that yeah, you don't know
until you're having a good time.
Speaker 1 (39:12):
Yeah, exactly. AnyWho, but yeah, thanks so much, thanks for listening.
Let us know how your wedding.
Speaker 2 (39:19):
Please, what advice you would give the thick of planning
a wedding.
Speaker 1 (39:23):
Yeah, that's by you. You can do this. You can
do this. Just try to do it once in your life.
He is left flow when you do the guys. Free
audio post production
Speaker 3 (39:43):
By ourphonic dot com
Like no one was thinking of us like in that way,
remembering like w.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
T, why do you think weddings are attached like ego?
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Though? I really had to deep to speak up for myself. Hey,
sometimes let's throw.
Speaker 3 (00:16):
Just I'm always always be careful those.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Hi.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
I'm Amanda and I'm Rumby.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Welcome to It's Layered Podcasts.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
We are under the Blackcast Network powered by iHeart, and
we are recording in person in.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Studio, and we expect the airhorns from you.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
We just need to get that song.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
It's so good to be here and bittersweet studio with
this beautiful setup by Pink Lady Picnics enjoying our high
Tea or soft girl life era fully locked and loaded.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
This is our sign to the universe. We want a
soft life twenty twenty five, and we wish a soft
life twenty twenty five for you and you and you,
especially if you're a black woman.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Yeah, especially black women. We're not please, We're not God's
from the Soldiers twenty five. We're tired.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
We've checked out.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
We have played that role for too long. Agree Now
we need to lean into a feminine energy and enjoy life.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
But am I agree? One thousand percent. And speaking of
feminine energy, we're gonna talk about a topic that is
something that I guess where supposedly we dream about into
a little girl's I didn't really do this, but apparently,
and we're gonna be talking about wedding, wedding taking down
that aisle? Did you dream about it as a little girl,
(01:57):
like my wedding's gonna be like this, this or the other? Really?
I think.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
I think I love to party, definitely have a good time,
but wedding involves family.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
So immediately I was like, it's shot byed know this one?
Speaker 2 (02:13):
And also you like see a typical Zimbabwean wedding where
you have rice, chicken and cortloads and you cook the
night before and for women.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Of stress, stress, stress, stress stress.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
So I think you know when you I was lucky
enough to take part in a lot of those growing
up that I just every wedding just made me think.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
Not for me like work. This looks like work. You
basically sound like a wedding hater, but you you love
a good wedding. This is true.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
The African planning wedding Yeah, stressful.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
So how did it go for you? Can you give
us a bit of like a backstory of what was
you know.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
It's so funny because unintentionally we did like a COVID
wedding before COVID even happening. Yeah, twenty nineteen, so obviously
way before. It's so funny because my husband had been
like twenty twenty when we got engaged twenty eighteen, late
twenty eighteen. It's like, twenty twenty is a good ring
to it, and we can have time to save up,
(03:09):
you know, for a wedding, but whatever we want to do.
And I was like, Jack, I'm not being engaged to
you for that long, like that'd be over a year,
and I just you know, we were just doing a
lot of things financially at the time. We were thinking
of getting our first house together. So I remember thinking,
and then what how we do it? Like you'd have
to save all the money because you know, when you're
(03:29):
getting a more god, when you're getting a mortgage, they
look at all your innings and goings with your money
and they want to see stability. I was like, well,
how would that makes sense if we're doing this huge
financial draining thing. And then moreso like which one, So
why don't we just get the wedding out of the
way and then you know, hunkered down to get our
first house. So I remember we were like, I was like,
(03:52):
oh yeah, let's just do it next year. You know,
let's just do it. So it literally was just like
one step after the other in terms of wasn't really intentional,
but we definitely knew we wanted to honor because my
husband's from Germany, I'm from Zimbabwe.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
We live in Australia.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
We wanted to honor all three spaces and places, but
they're now when.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
You're doing that, badget the budget and budgets are like.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
And then obviously Roorra, which we spoke about just before
Rumby's won and previous seasons, we.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
Were like, how do you fit it all in a lot?
Speaker 2 (04:28):
How do you and especially because a lot of it
was going to fall onto us, like you know, SA
family can support, but can support so much they can't
run it all. So when we got to thinking, we
were like, okay, maybe we would just do Roorra in Zim,
an engagement party in Hamburg which Rumby also came to,
(04:49):
and then do like a long table dinner after having
a civil ceremony in Perth. So that is literally what
we did you know those COVID weddings you saw people
just strip it back. Yep, just you and you're very
very close few, or go to quarters, just you and
your witnesses and then after doing dinner. That is literally
what we did. So we're trend set ups, guys, just
(05:12):
letting you know for real, but unintentionally we set that
trend not knowing then when twenty twenty happened, you can
best believe I gave my husband a side I like,
I know at all because twenty twenty would not have worked.
But yeah, even that sounds complicated right that every week
we were in a different location, but it just worked
(05:34):
so well for us, and it made it accessible for
all our family and friends. Almost gave you no excuse,
right one of them you had one of the locations.
Ye surely if you're in our life, you're in one
of those close to one of those three locations. But
it's not to say when you do it small that
doesn't come with its own stresses, true, which we'll get.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
Into for sure. So yeah, but how about you room bed?
Did you do? So? You know people always ask me
like would you do it again? And I say no,
I say to my husband all the time, you better like,
this is it. If you leave me or I leave you,
I'm not doing it again. But it was beautiful, don't
(06:16):
get me wrong. We had Aurora traditional wedding and then
we had a white wedding similar to you, again honoring
the different cultures going to Zimbabwe to do our honoring
our traditions there. If you haven't listened to the RTA episode,
go find it, as Amanda said a couple of seasons back.
And then we had essentially the white I struggle called
(06:39):
white wedding, like but the sort of court wedding, not
even what people would call the white and where you
sign your papers. We had it in the Czech Republic,
obviously honoring that my husband is check and listen, I
agree with you. The family aspect, we were kind of
fortunate because in Zim at the time this was twenty
(07:01):
twenty two April, it was those that'd hunker down for
COVID then open things up like it kept on and off.
So the maximum number of guests at the time for
an outdoor event was two hundred and fifty people, which
I know a lot of people are like, that's a
lot of people, but zoom for zoom it's not typically
(07:21):
five hundred plus exactly, So that helped dwindle down the numbers.
And I think tapping on family to help with different
like logistical aspects of it helps a lot. I remember
sourcing a lot of things from South Africa because Zimbabwean
prices just do not make sense. I had the help
of a good friend of mine and my sister who
(07:43):
sourced and then shipped things over. That helped a ton.
And having it in my parents' garden, so like the
celebration because essentially what I wanted to do was to
say to my parents, this is your day. So the
actual wrought up proceedings and that happened with a much
smaller group and was more intimate. Then everyone comes and celebrates, which.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
Is quite typical I mean the same year, because there's
like certain roles people have to play and not everyone
is invited to that. It's very I think always has
been very nuclear for that part, our version of nuclear.
And then then you have people lunch everyone. But I
(08:22):
love how I mean we talked about our own the episode.
It has kind of circled back and become more predominant,
yes than a while before.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
For sure, because it used to be like if people
just did, people will be like, huh, but now we
all overstand the cost of weddings.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
Why do you think there's a pressure to have a
wedding even in mondern society? Like surely why? I think
COVID it boils.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
Back to that little girl thing when you're a little girl,
like you dream of this day. And obviously capitalism capitalizes
on people's dreams, right, so as soon as you say
anything as a wedding. So for a lot of things,
especially with RA I got other people to just say
I need this for my check wedding. I said, I'm
going to someone's wedding, not it's mine, just for cost implications.
(09:12):
So I think that's why so expensive people know you
will go all out, just like how businesses capitalize on parents,
knowing that parents want to give their children the best,
so they're willing to fork out. Yeah, I don't know
what you think.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
And I think it's like so somehow whatever really marketed
this like stuck it down hour Like you can't even
imagine not having one. It's like if you don't have one,
are you really married?
Speaker 1 (09:43):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (09:44):
You know, And I think COVID a whole freaking pandemic
is what made people think o atually, actually it's just
a legal binding document can do in a legal office.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
This really is a band, that's it.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
Especially if you're not religious, you know, you can just
go with your witness and you're married.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
And I think people had almost forgotten that.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
And I mean we we obviously for logistics did that,
but now I think we're circling back to the ramping
up and now and I think it's also aspirational for
some reason. People definitely use it as a couple of
move made our mark. You know, you see in a
group of principle which I app each other with things
copy each other.
Speaker 1 (10:26):
I mean Kim Kadeshian and things like I got married
and to him.
Speaker 2 (10:31):
So like everyone throughout whether your celebrity all the way
is just weddings are just like.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
And it's supposed to be a mid day similar you
know how someone some people will be like Rachel and
then it's like it's their birthday, yeah, and they really
like try and like show up, like look at me,
celebrating me. I think it's a sign that people don't
feel seen all the time, celebrated all the time, where
some of I was like cowering, like I remember when
you asked me what do you want for your bachelor
(10:59):
and I was like, I just want my p around.
Like I think it's a sign that maybe people feel
not seen or celebrated and family it's a family emblem.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
Oh yes, you know, because the family also feels the
need to step in. Remember the friends waiting, They were like, oh,
should we do know alcohol? And the dad's eyes almost
boulge out of his head, like how are we gonna
do this wedding with my friends?
Speaker 1 (11:20):
There? Rolling deep, no sober, nope.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
And then you know, obviously zimbabwe especially and I'm sure
a lot of people know about this. Zimbabweans are known
for drinking, reputation for drinking.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
So now it's like to have fun without it.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
So I think also for family, like I don't have
that feeling yet with jeromy is probably way too young,
but I wonder when it comes.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Along where I'm like I have to have it.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
Yeah, we even see some families out gifting each other.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
Also, speaking of family, how does I how does one
navigate all the demands of family, demand of friends, Because
now you're seeing the example is like families saying we
don't want alcohol in the dad saying but my homies.
How do you expect siblings, spouse, and yourself when you're
(12:10):
planning and having.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
Do you navigate the do you someone's going to be upset? Yep, yep,
you should know. I mean it depends what I personally are.
I think this is where that brings her to the forefront.
Some people are like, ah, my parents are planning everything
and I'm just along for the ride, especially if they're
financially providing.
Speaker 4 (12:30):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
Then some people are like, I wanted this way. I've
thought about it ever since I was a little girl. Yes,
you know, it's like such an array. I don't know
how I think for self, you have to just be
able to communicate with your people and be honest, especially
about your budget and your expectations. I would personally say,
(12:51):
just to make sure that everything is done, it's done properly.
You have to obviously say these are my limits, this
is what I can do, this is what I can't do.
But really, as Rumby said, expect disappointment. Expect people to
think you need to provide everything that they've ever thought
of as your own wedding.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
How did you navigate? Oh, if you can give.
Speaker 2 (13:13):
Us, I think I was really honest so see you
can imagine when we had the chat, I started chat
with all my tetters. I barely chat to talk about Rora.
Then once we were having that chat, I was like, oh,
by the way, the wedding is two weeks later and
it's you're you guys are not going to be like
(13:34):
it's super small. And because we're choosing between Rora and
a wedding, which one, I pretty much gave them the choice,
but I knew what they would choose, so I kind
of played the game. Family is really, especially as a
publican family really rooted in Rorra and it's that's more personal.
So I knew they would choose to do that. And
there's this perception that you can always do a wedding later. Yes,
(13:57):
you can always do a wedding when you're more financially stable,
or even for go one if things are really tough
or family can't rally around you. So I gave them
the choice because I can't do both, choose one. They
chose Rara, and then once they did that, I kind
of knew, Okay, now the wedding is just for me
and our Australian family.
Speaker 1 (14:16):
Which our refriends.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
But it was definitely not a like there was a
bit of pushback. They're like, oh, so Germans don't get married,
and they're like, read what but then they don't do race.
It was like back and forth, back and forth, and
then eventually it was like sunk in and I think
I almost use like the threat all, but then we
(14:39):
also don't have to do anything. Hey, like y'all and
Zimbabweans are like, that's the end of the world and
I'm here in Australia, Oh, you're not already married. This
is like so I think I just used a bit
of practicality and also finances at the end of the
day is what answer did for us us because it
(15:01):
was like, okay, you can have your opinion, but how
much are you forking out.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
To help us with that said opinion?
Speaker 2 (15:06):
And then when people realize, oh, I have to financially contribute,
you realize people didn't Oh yeah, what you're doing is fine, great,
Oh my gosh, good idea. You know, oh you're also
getting to Germany on ah, great idea.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
And the opinion you are almost forced to be less
because they're not fucking out, yes exactly, all dependent on
you on news. So that's almost like the benefit if
you are financing your own weddings. Yeah, as opposed to you.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
So it was like, okay, okay, that's fine, Oh this
is new, you know, and and there, and there's a
running joke now my family that yeah, we were ahead
of the time and we knew COVID was happening because
we did like a COVID style wedding before. But yeah, really,
even if COVID hadn't happened, that's what we had chosen
to do.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
Yeah, and it worked for us. And that's the thing.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
That's the thing with weddings. You have to make it
work for you. Whatever that looks like it's for you.
And so you know, you go to some weddings and
you're like, oh this theme, oh this press them or
whatever it.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Is, like how did you come up with?
Speaker 2 (16:03):
But then it's so then true, So I feel like
you weddings, I guess there are a form of identity.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
People use them to show what type of couple they are.
They are That definitely helped in terms of like our
having to be foot the bill and so that helped.
With the say and with numbers, you're managing number room,
how did you manage numbers? Like you said, honestly and
(16:31):
like some straight shooting, some straight talks and kind of
giving quotas to different sides of the family, saying like
this is all we have because in Europe, unfortunately, you
pay per head. It's not like in Zoom where you
can just make it, make a plan and then having
to allocate. Of course, some folks who rubbed the wrong way,
but we also had to be honest to ourselves. We
wanted to live after the wedding, so it's you almost
(16:55):
have to learn to step up. And I think what
helped was we were aligned with my husband like on
what we were about, and that was a very key.
So we never ever thought or argued like oh but
I wanted like we had agreed on how we wanted
things to be, and it was just like getting everyone
else on yeah yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
But did you have to because obviously did you have
to equalize numbers? Like how did numbers I'm just trying
to think. Obviously for the Rora usually typically zim site
of course, and obviously in zo I guess Tom would
have autumn, But for check, how did you work that?
Speaker 1 (17:29):
So I just said it was their side now running
and you need to equalize. So they shouldn't feel overpowered. Yeah,
you know with the ZIM squad, but I mean they
still did to some degree. But yeah, it was really
like it's there's time to shine and budget.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
Yeah, to be fair, Why do you think weddings are
attached like ego though? Because I feel like, you know,
I kind of touched upon that saying, you know, people
feel like that's the.
Speaker 1 (17:54):
Time to shine. Why do you think it's so? It
really is the event that all eyes on you and
people get to see you who you are, you and
your person Like I think, so it's like I want
to come across or position myself this way in this light.
And so it is really much about like perception. If
(18:16):
you think about egos, all about how I'm perceived, how
I look to the world. I want to look a
certain way and be understood a certain way. It's a
lot to do that. And then culturally, for us, I
think family see it as a rite of passage that
your child goes through this. And then comparison culture, which
we've spoken about in previous episodes, also plays a part.
(18:38):
Because my friend did this, I want to look even
better than they did, and they did this, and I
want to do even more than they, So it's all
keeping up with the Joneses. It's all kind of people
will think I'm not this if it doesn't look like that,
so and so and so forth. I remember even at Rhora,
I wanted, you know, to wear pants, and I was like, oh,
what will people say? And I was adamant that my
(19:02):
bridal team wore pants. And then I wore dress for
like the blessing, but I still change into pants. So
it's like you're always like compromise, compromising and so on.
And then I refused to like a head rapper. I
was like, it's not just it's not going to happen,
so it's yeah, things like that. It's funny like some
things are just expected of you.
Speaker 2 (19:19):
But like, what do you think when it comes to
friendships though, because I feel like, okay, family, I guess,
as you said right off passage and typically in our
culture with family, they do it for someone else. So
we notice that, like even even me, some weddings where
the mom kuru that's like the older uncle or the
mom nini younger uncle who walk you down the aisle,
not the actual dad. And then maybe I'm guessing your
(19:43):
actual dad would have done the same for their your
cousins essentially, or you know, speeches are done by instead.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Of your actual like I do think sometimes was like
to get back, like I've done for everyone else, so
it's my time to get back. It's almost like an investment, yes,
but you know, like in the Western world you invest
like money into accounts that that realize and you know,
an appreciation there's you know, but like it's like I
gave X amount of this person's so now when my
child's getting married, they're gonna bring this back. And it's
(20:10):
like it's not guaranteed that.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
Yes, some people will be like, oh if you people
give you if you you know, and you're like, what
if they don't.
Speaker 1 (20:17):
Yes, So that came up as well around like oh,
you can just like take the money from gifts. You
get to pay for extra people we need, And I
was like, no, that's like bad like bad finance, financial planning.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
But you know, with friends, why do you think our
ego like I reckon.
Speaker 1 (20:36):
People?
Speaker 2 (20:37):
Also the friends want to feel special, yes, and like
if you're part of the bridal party or if you're not,
if you're planning the hands or making the close like.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:47):
And also a bit of the I did yours, you
do mine starts to happen. But then also family structures,
like some people will be like only if they have
lots of sisters, all my sisters and my bridesmaids. But
then if they're friends don't have sisters or and it's like, okay,
but you were my bride's maid, like don't you. It's
always so funny. All these awkward conversations.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
Have to happen, and I don't think you ever really
have that conversation with friends, Like so when it's my wedding,
this is how I'm seeing it, and you will unfortunately
not be because you don't really have that happens, and
you kind of have to be like, well, this this
is how it's happening. Do you understand what There's a.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
Lot of assumptions we're friends. Of course, I'm going yeah,
but in mind.
Speaker 1 (21:26):
But you don't necessarily have that, so yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
Why do you think it's socially acceptable for wedding to
like leave people in financial ruin because we all know,
I mean you said it yourself.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
Like with the gifts, people were like, oh, if you
get gifts and.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
You can cover the cost, but you're already paid for
the cost, so you're ready and you may never reach
And what if that gift doesn't come through you when
you get pots and pans instead of.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
Do you think it's keeping up with the Joneses thing
and it only comes by once and we know with
the statistics around marriage and divorce it's no. But yeah,
I really think it is kind of like if not
for this, then what we don't have? Other events we
don't have like you've like retired, Like maybe certain birthdays
(22:14):
like fortieth, fifty and sixtieth you do, but there's no expectations.
There's no this like when you're sixty you have to
have this huge party. Yeah, it may be common, but
weddings it's like this is the one time you throw
it all out there and go big or go home. Yeah.
And I think the fact that, for instance, you can
get loans for weddings shows that it's all like capitalizing
(22:37):
on people's desire to have maybe what is not within
their regions. Yeah time.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
Yeah, and I think like social media doesn't help as well,
because now you're comparing yourself to a celebrity like yes,
and you're like, oh they did this in Italy.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
Ah my guy, I'd be seeing all these tuscan I'm
like all these places and you're like, guy.
Speaker 2 (22:57):
But and also the funny thing is, and I think
even like courte niy Kodashian talking about that showed this,
some of those weddings can be sponsored, like I think
torturing Bana like literally so things like you are comparing
yourself even even they're not paying for their wedding.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
You know, isn't that just insane? I don't know.
Speaker 2 (23:18):
It's like sometimes I'm like, are we okay as the people?
Speaker 1 (23:20):
We're not? And I think we're gonna be studied. I'm
scared to you know, sometimes you look back in history
and you're like, what were they thinking? We are definitely
going to be a generation where they're like what were
they thinking? Yeah? Yeah, yeah. What are the realities of
wedding planning that often aren't spoken about? Because I feel
sometimes you just like fumble into You're like, WHOA, I
do not I never expected this.
Speaker 2 (23:42):
I think family dynamics, like true, talk about that, family
dynamics like whether even if your parents are still together,
whether if you're like now in a single parent home
or your parents are remain whatever, this whatever your setup is,
it truly brings that all, if there's any unspoken conversations,
(24:03):
any unspoken drama, any of that, if there's alcoholism in
the family, if there's whatever it is, stinginess, people don't
want to.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
Help like whatever it is.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
Yes, it's just like brings it all up to the surface.
You're like, oh, yeah, you really don't roll with me,
or well you really do roll with me, semple just
hunkered down and help you with anything and everything you
need for wedding, you know.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
So it's just and I think also then finances is
a big reason why that these dynamics come to the forefront,
because anything to do with the money brings out different
sides of people that maybe you don't.
Speaker 2 (24:38):
Necessarily be on a daily definitely, And yeah, you're so right,
And I think we don't want to be judged. So
people will be like, oh, we're not going to get
that cater or we're not going to get this or
that because of this and that. And you're like huhmm, yeah,
you know, we're going to get married in the church
because my church buddies can't you know, you can't just
do a garden wedding.
Speaker 1 (24:57):
What is that? You know?
Speaker 2 (24:58):
So it's like I don't know if I feel like
it's it's like we use weddings as a way to
be like, oh, this is how you are in the world,
this is you.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
I agree, but it's not. And I think for me,
another reality of wedding planning is that what you envision
is not necessarily what always happens, or you don't always
you're always able to materialize that. It could be financially,
it could be service providers wise, it could be something happens,
(25:29):
or you know, certain family members aren't there, that your
father can't walk you down the aisle, Yeah, do you understand?
And and sometimes in those moments you have to let
that go. There's a lot of letting letting go. I
think that we don't compromise your lies. Yes, And also
you're not marrying yourself. Yeah, so like you imagine you're
wrappling these thoughts your husband. Most husbands probably aren't, but
(25:51):
you know they're also going to bring their dynamics to
the forefront, right Whereas like even with friendships, I remember,
I've been to so many weddings with it, Oh my
my partner only has two friends.
Speaker 2 (26:02):
And then you're like, I'm rolling five deep. Who do
I drop off the marital list now because or or
vice versa, you only have two girlfriends and you got
to rustle up three more, you know. So I find
that I don't know, but it's just it brings every
eat and every dynamic of your life comes.
Speaker 1 (26:20):
And within yourself to start grappling, like expectations versus reality
and all these kinds of things. How do you reckon
people should feel if they're not asked to be a bridesmaid.
I think it's normal to feel like you if you
wanted to be there for that person that you couldn't.
(26:41):
I mean, if I think of your wedding, I was
able to be at your engagement party, but because I
was starting my life and you in the Czech Republic,
I couldn't make it to the Australian wedding. And it's
something I will always know, like I never got to
be there, but at the same time it was the
best decision. Yeah, but I don't even think like that,
And so like I think I showed up for you
(27:02):
in the way, so I understand the feeling. And I
remember when you thought you could make my wedding, like
I understood your feeling of it. But I think it's
also like the way it's supposed to be. It will
be the way it's supposed to be. And the most
important thing for you as a friend to a friend
getting married is for you to be happy for them
(27:24):
and support them. There are enough stresses around them and
for you to be like, oh, why wasn't I, Why
wasn't I. It adds like a sour taste to what
already a complex. So I think it's normal to feel
that way. But I think there are other ways to
show up. You can write a letter, you can you know,
do a video, you can give them. There's so many
(27:45):
different ways you can show up if you're thoughtful, and
I think people still underestimate the importance of thoughtfulness beyond
just like monetary. But there's ways when you can show
up for those you love in like unique ways that
say you still care and support them. It could be
running around with them, it could be Yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:05):
I think lots of friendships fracture around weddings, which is
so it's almost ironic, right, we were celebrating love and
then people like simple tell you that she was my
bridesmaid and it was horrible. We weren't vibing and I
haven't talked to her since my wedding, so like, but
it was a wedding, yeah, you know. And I think
also like even people do ask you to be part
(28:26):
of the bridal team doesn't almost necessarily mean it's like
this amazing thing.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
Sometimes you're like now.
Speaker 2 (28:32):
Stressful, Yeah, now you're stuck with them, but like that,
or you're financially also putting in Like I think, as
you're saying about my wedding, I never thought that about you.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
I think I automatically knew. Of course.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
I think that was what I was quite grateful about
with our wedding. Were quite realistic of where of how
things work. Yes, I mean even my own families weren't
in the one Australia because who's about to be doing
a visa? And like we just was too much admin.
So I guess it's like but obviously you personally would think,
oh it would have been nice, But I think you
have to also have a touch of realism for sure.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
And that's similar the thing when you thought you could
make it, I completely understood. And even like inviting people,
people were like, oh, sorry, I can't come. I was like,
it's fine, I don't want to put you out because
these things add up especially when you're in the age
of like, way everybody is getting married around you. But
based on our experience and what you've learned through getting
married and all that, what do you wish you'd known
(29:30):
about weddings before? And what would you advise your younger
self on.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
Communicate honest, communicating to you about what about everything? So,
like we're talking about bridal party, if you do have
a homie who's like making a joke like, oh, I
can't wait at your wedding and you know they're not
going to be one, Like, let's start also be as
you know needs, Yeah, planting seeds or explaining a situation. Yeah,
(29:55):
I think once people like feel they like I feel
like when people are blindsided, that's when this problem starts.
So whether it's financially blindsided, like oh I didn't realize
that my bridesmaid I have to pay for it?
Speaker 1 (30:07):
D D D DA DA dad, Like, be honest.
Speaker 2 (30:09):
Okay, girls, girlies, if this is what you know, if
this is what I'll be expecting, you're gonna maybe forg
off your own dress. It's gonna be a detonation wedding.
It's gonna always be. But then also realize in doing
that that you're gonna get the feedback back and then
how you deal with that. So if someone says, oh, sorry,
I really can't afford these loose button shoes you want
us to all wear? Yeah, and then what does that
(30:31):
understand it? Do you know either you pay for them
or you don't. Do you put that within your budget
or not? So I feel like it's open honesty in
every aspect, but especially like obviously relationships or relational telling
your parents if something's gone too far or you know,
it's just be prepared for awkward, honest conversations, don't avoid them. True,
(30:55):
because whichever way it's gonna come to roost, bra.
Speaker 1 (31:01):
And you've hit the nail, the nail on the head
around like, be prepared to stand up for yourself. There's
one thing I would give myself advice on is like
trust yourself and know you are your best advocates. Yeah,
in those situations. I think something I learned during our
wedding process is that you can be generous in how
(31:22):
you approach your wedding, but don't expect everyone around you
to be.
Speaker 2 (31:26):
Selfless or like make you, make you priority. They also
want to feel they.
Speaker 1 (31:31):
Also have their own sort of agenda, and.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
You should probably be a bit more selfish. It's probably
what I would say and communicate with your partner. Chair
sometimes he doesn't get the dynamics and it's.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
Like, oh, why don't we just do it? That's not
how this family or you know. So there's so many
little things. I'm like, we should have just been like whatever.
I would have gone on honeymoon immediately after. I think
we travel with my parents because it was their first
time to the check Republic. Wouldn't do that again.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
Yeah, I was actually gonna ask something definitely, what would
be like, guys, I love you, I'm out, because I
ended up being very frustrated, like spending so much time
in post proximity with my parents doing everything for them
after we like.
Speaker 1 (32:15):
Had really labored on the way labored on the wedding day,
and I think I really felt that loneliness for our
check wedding. We did a lot of work, the two
of us. We had wedding planners, thank goodness. Uh, but
I mean my husband had to go pick up his
parents and drive them to the vein like no one
was thinking of us like in that way, and I
(32:35):
remembering like wtf, Like that really hosting hosting. It brought
to light and my system. She came about like a
week or two early. She was like, you guys are
really doing this alone? And I was like, yeah, so
I think that was an eye opener. Would you do
different than in that aspect, I'd be like, you're figuring
yourselves out, like we planned like transport from the thing
(32:57):
and the people are like, no, I'm gonna come from there. No,
the honeymoon. Definitely would do it alone. And Yeah, a
bit more adamant on certain things we wanted though. I
think I was quite clear on what I did or
did not want, but I really had to dig deep
to speak up for myself, especially with family on certain things,
(33:19):
which is hard, especially we don't speak like that where
we come from. Yeah, definitely you just accept for sure. Yeah. Yeah.
And last one, as we wrap this, if you could
do it all over again, what would you do exactly
the same? And what would you forego?
Speaker 2 (33:36):
Wow, exactly the same, exactly the same. Probably still going
to the three destinations over three weeks because I feel
like we saw a lot of people along our journey
who at certain aspects of our relationship have been there. Yeah,
So like everyone got to play homage or you.
Speaker 1 (33:55):
Know, the party.
Speaker 2 (33:58):
So definitely, very very happy We've got to do. It's
a lot of planning, especially when you're traveling and the
jet like yo, but you know it, I was very
grateful and I've got to show myself's family Zimbabwe as well.
So I think it was it was that part I
would do exactly the same. It was just so beautiful
(34:19):
for going, I think being a bit relaxed about creating memories,
so especially for Zimbabwe. A lot of my family since then,
I've since passed away. I mean COVID then happened, so
I think not having like a videographer or an official photographer.
Obviously we took photos on their phones, yes, but I
should have probably just gone that extra step. Even though
(34:41):
it was Rora and Rota mine June twenty nineteen to now,
it's changed very as drastically changed, which I'm really happy about.
But at the same time, it also means that there
was some stuff that's so standard now that wasn't then. Yes,
and forgetting a videographer and a photographers. Definitely, And I've
had some cousins of mine we're like, oh my god,
last person I saw, last time I saw that person
(35:03):
sutural like, so it seemed like it bought a lot
of people in my family just by chance together to
get that and to not have proper documentation for that
is a bit sad.
Speaker 1 (35:12):
Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 2 (35:13):
And then the same thing happened in Germany. Same thing.
I didn't have an official photographer or a videographer. Same
thing in Perth. You know, we had friends chipping and
help us, but like I should have. It's now it
seems like such a silly cost that I could have
just paid for. But at the time I thought, oh,
I can't be bothered, you know, and obvious I would
have to have three different sets of teens. There was
(35:35):
three different so I just thought, I'm a long list
of things to do. It just fell way way down.
But then now it's one of the last thing things
that could have had, you know what I mean. So
I feel like, yeah, definitely, please get a hodeographer and photographer.
Speaker 1 (35:51):
We'll just do it for your for your tenure.
Speaker 4 (35:53):
Yeah yeah, yeah again, But like yeah, I just it's
it's sweet memories I have of all these people, but
now they're just in my head because a lot of
people showed up and we're really grateful but we don't
actually have good documentary.
Speaker 1 (36:07):
But I will say, at least you still have that memory.
I do know how to treat it. Like imagine you'd
be like, well, I'm not doing any of this, Like
I still have that for sure, that memory for me.
I think I loved both my weddings. I think my vision.
I was very like sure on what I wanted, and
(36:27):
I think I love that I paid a much to
like Zim like I'm we ate out of metal plates
and what I remember. My mom was like huh and
I literally was like, yep, I know what I want
and I knew it. Even the tint if I tell
you how we panted for that tint to the stretch
tint and they're like, no, just get this, and I
was like, no, I.
Speaker 2 (36:46):
Knew they want to get the standards the standard, but
like I just hadn't we had like hey for people
to sit on during them bliss all these things. It's
like trusting my vision, and I think it was a
good reminder that you do have that create bone and
like there's something there and to trust.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
Again, I keep saying, trusting yourself. I think it's a
big thing because then I can still sit here and
be like, I'm so happy with that turned out. I
would change what I said about the honeymoon and all
that dynamic for sure. And I think I would invite
more friends. Okay to which one to our check wedding.
I think I would invite more friends because friends have
(37:25):
really shown up more in a lot of ways than family,
which is a really interesting thing because I think our parents'
generation we were talking about this, it was a different dynamic.
Family showed up. But for me, I found that friends
really show up the most. So I would definitely shift
that around. And but yeah, I'm glad we timed it all.
We did two in one year, which is mad. I mean,
(37:47):
you did three in like a couple of weeks. But yeah,
and I wouldn't have been so generous, That's what I'll say,
with your time, with your with our money, or I
think I love how like general we were with our
like rides maids and team, because obviously we're there because
you guys had our back, But there's some things I'm like,
we didn't need to do all that team too much
(38:09):
too much.
Speaker 2 (38:10):
Yeah it was beautiful, so we appreciate whatever it was
you were doing.
Speaker 1 (38:14):
But I yeah, yeah, this has been good, like going
back down memory. Yeah, because we talked about but we
never had this.
Speaker 2 (38:21):
Yeah, we talked about dating, we talked about marriage, but
like I think I was just Scott waiting.
Speaker 1 (38:26):
Yeah, because it's draining.
Speaker 2 (38:28):
It is very draining, and you're almost like for you
and I were such planners live in your head. Yeah,
and sometimes even on the day to keep your mind
the days or day and to keep your minding yourself
to actually enjoy your hard labor after plannel. But we
were up at two am for my cooking and the
time you're like serving that.
Speaker 1 (38:45):
Food like you're best eating it and enjoy this. But like, yeah,
I definitely did that and it was the best decision
because it was the most perfect two days, like it
could not have Like I enjoyed it. Things didn't work out,
like our translator for the check wedding didn't arrive, but
I was calm. You know, the dance floor thing. You
didn't realize. I was fine, like, yeah, don't be a
(39:08):
bright dance but didn't come.
Speaker 2 (39:09):
You see, these are things that yeah, you don't know
until you're having a good time.
Speaker 1 (39:12):
Yeah, exactly. AnyWho, but yeah, thanks so much, thanks for listening.
Let us know how your wedding.
Speaker 2 (39:19):
Please, what advice you would give the thick of planning
a wedding.
Speaker 1 (39:23):
Yeah, that's by you. You can do this. You can
do this. Just try to do it once in your life.
He is left flow when you do the guys. Free
audio post production
Speaker 3 (39:43):
By ourphonic dot com
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