"It Was Long And Fat!" Woman Hit In Head By Flying Sex Toy

A Darwin woman was sipping her coffee at a shopping center when she was hit in the head by a flying sex toy.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Mix one or two point three maximalie in the morning,
a bit of John Mellancam making it hurt so good?

Speaker 2 (00:05):
Why?

Speaker 1 (00:06):
Well, because this is the day that I have woken
up wishing desperately. I was a hard crime reporter from
the Northern Territory.

Speaker 3 (00:14):
Every day, every day. What have they been up to today?

Speaker 1 (00:17):
Well, okay, just put the kids away just for a
little second. Although you shouldn't have to say this, because
this is generally something that has happened has.

Speaker 2 (00:23):
Been reported in the NT News.

Speaker 1 (00:25):
One of our favorite publications, Are you ready? An elderly
woman was sipping her coffee when she was struck in
the head by a flying dildo.

Speaker 2 (00:34):
Nice?

Speaker 1 (00:35):
I mean, no, not nice. But I have so many questions,
and that's why I want to be the reporter. Essentially
a whole like a gang of youths went flying through
the food court on scooters. Then all of a sudden
they started throwing things around. And two of the things
they happened to throw around were these large aids absoluteies.

Speaker 3 (00:56):
They're just helpful, little toil.

Speaker 1 (00:58):
But the best thing of the witness is actually the
journo has actually stopped and spoken to witnesses.

Speaker 3 (01:05):
The grabs are so good in this story, everything in
quotation marks, like I've highlighted seven different paragraphs.

Speaker 1 (01:13):
And then the woman said, oh, I've just been hit
in the head with the penis and I don't know
what happened to her because she disappeared. So the one
elderly victims taken off.

Speaker 3 (01:22):
A witness said that the victim could have been badly hurt,
saying it was probably about thirty centimeters long, and it
was fat, and it was fat and really heavy. It
wasn't normal size. That one.

Speaker 2 (01:33):
Go on, have another one.

Speaker 1 (01:34):
Oh, okay, I've gone out to help one of the
ladies who was sitting down having a cuppa, and she
turned to me and said, that's not mine.

Speaker 2 (01:41):
And I looked down and there was a gigantic rubber
aid on the table and then nag on wait. She
follows up and said, are you sure.

Speaker 3 (01:51):
I love that? Because it is this is a big issue.
Crime in the Northern Territory is actually a big issue
at the moment. So they have got a government quote
from people in office. The Member for Blaine, Mark Turner,
gave some quotes on it. He said this was a
result of the government that's in power, that being out
of touch. The government enjoyed peace and quiet at Parliament House,

(02:12):
while our poor Parmeerston seniors can't even enjoy a cuppa
without facing a dildo disaster, while kids are shouting don't
touch me despite all the loss.

Speaker 1 (02:20):
And then I mean everything he's saying there is obviously true.
He goes on to say, the powers that be can't
protect us from these rubbery rampages and pint sized pilferers.

Speaker 2 (02:30):
We will have to grab this whole mess by the
balls and sort it out.

Speaker 3 (02:32):
Our sir, he knew exactly what he was doing here,
and he said that was the place to live.

Speaker 1 (02:38):
Because this is the bit that I think has gone
largely unnoticed. Right now, I want you to shut your
eyes and think about ttp or going to Marion Ordale
and when you sit at the food court and just
have a look around at the shops around there, like
there's a Harris Scarf, there's a target nearby. I don't
recall lately being to any food court where there is
a place one could buy marital aids right next door

(03:00):
to myze spring rolls.

Speaker 3 (03:01):
That's actually a good point. It means that these lads
have gone and we're going to have a bit of
a rampage today.

Speaker 2 (03:06):
But have they Because this is the Northern Territory.

Speaker 3 (03:09):
They could have just pinched them from Mum and Dad.

Speaker 2 (03:11):
No, what I'm saying is, if you go to the
Northern Territory, you go just past the KFC and turn left.
There it is. You can order along black there it
is