March 1, 2022 • 34 mins
#OrdineroliSpeaking Retired AFL player Dayne Beams is a recovering drug and gambling addict. The addictions almost cost him his marriage and even his life. In this episode, Dayne opens up about the full extent of his issues for the first time. In part two, we also hear from his wife, Kelly, who shares the toll Dayne's addictions took on their family.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Thanks for listening to Ordinarily Speaking. This is part two
of the episode with former football at Dane Beams. We're
also about to hear from his wife Kelly, how empowering
was it to own your shit?
Speaker 2 (00:19):
There's no other way forward without it? Can I hear it?
Speaker 1 (00:22):
Now?
Speaker 2 (00:23):
I know I probably sounded the same way, but you
know I can start to sense, you know, people that
are trying to help, Like you can start the sense
when they're a bit of in the self pity mode
and it's like almost like they're trying to blame others,
and you've got to quickly stamp that out, like it's
you need it, You need to take responsibility for your
own actions, Like it's it's only you can change you.
(00:45):
I eys can do that for you. Like there's lots
of people out there that can help you and you know,
push you in the right direction, but ultimately you are
the only one that can change you. It's as simple
as that. You know, I fell in the trap for
a while there of you know, thinking medications are going
to fix me, Thinking psychologists we're going to fix me that.
(01:07):
Like again, they'll help you, like they'll medication will help
you get out of bed to try and help yourself.
It's not going to make you feel instantly better.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
When you say medication, you're meaning anti Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Yeah, So I still take my any depressants and look,
they're not like a lot of those any deepressants and
medications aren't for everyone, but they help me. And that's
you know, every case is individualized. But it comes down
to you just doing the work. And what I mean
by doing the work is just being accountable, like for
(01:41):
your own actions, being consciously aware of what you're saying,
what you're doing, you know, who you're associating yourself with.
There's a lot of things that make up your recovery plan.
Like it's it's very full on, I guess, and I
think that I think helped me the most was like
(02:02):
understanding myself again, like literally like going back to when
I was a kid and you know, thinking about things
that you know, the way I was, like okay, so
like I was, I was always very you know, self
conscious and would always like question my own self worth.
Like when I started going back and thinking about me
(02:23):
as a kid, like there were some things that happened
to me as a kid, and it was like there
were like light bulb moments where I was like holy shit,
like you know, for instance, I'll give you an example,
there was there was a time where, you know, I
was really close with my dad, but early on d
Dad had some issues, you know, Dad Dad was an
alcoholic himself, Like he had his own addiction sort of issues,
(02:46):
you know, and he got a lot lot better later
on in our lives, but you know, early on, like
it affected him and as a consequence, affected us. And
there was a time where I, you know, I was
forgotten about after school. I was I was left in
a bus stop, and like that moment, you know, you
start to think as a kid, like why why, Like
you know, you're not consciously wherever it, but like in
(03:08):
hindsight and looking back on it, you know, there's no coincidence.
Why I was always very you know, like why isn't
that person right and back to me? Or like you know,
why doesn't that person love me? Like you know, it
becomes like there's there's a lot of these sorts of
issues that we don't even think of. Really, Like it's
not until you actually start thinking about like your childhood
(03:29):
and like how because I feel like it's the same
people always say when you're gone by and I'm not
a big dog person, Like I've now worked out, but
I I've had about four or five different dogs.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
It took you five to work Yeah, it takes your
while to work things out once you've worked it out.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Yeah, they'd always say the same thing, like, what you
teach this dog in the first six months is how
it's going to be for the rest of its life.
And I feel like God like that that's the same
with humans on a larger scale obviously, like dogies, Yeah,
we live longer than dogs, But I feel like that's
just the same thing, like how we're brought up. And look,
(04:09):
there's some things that you can't parents can't control, like
who you go and hang around with at school, Like yeahs,
there's things like that that are you know, sort of uncontrollable.
But you know, I feel like largely like your upbringing
has a big part of how you look at things
and how you feel about things and how you handle
different situations. And that's there's there's no knock on my dad, like,
(04:34):
you know, he made a mistake. We all make mistakes,
but it's like it's about understanding how that mistake had
affected me and how I could potentially deal with it
and handle certain situations that might arise in my life
now that may make me feel like that again. But
how how I start to challenge it? And like, I
think you need to understand that before you can actually
(04:56):
challenge it. You know, the psychologists never helped me as
much the drug stuff, but they helped me a lot
with I guess, you know, understanding myself again and like
you know, literally going back and prompting me to answer
things and think about things that you know, I never
would have thought of if I didn't go and get therapy.
During this time, I was also had some eurocyde testing
(05:18):
and I was diagnosed with add so not the ADHD,
so I didn't have the hyperactive side of things, but
you know, I had attention deficit disorder. Yeah. Like so
you know, Kelly and I had had therapy and stuff before,
and I really struggled to implement some of the things
that our therapist was saying to me. And it wasn't
because I didn't want to. And I used to say
(05:40):
this to Kelly a lot. I was like, I just
can't like concentrate. She always just to think that that
was a choice that I was making, and like that
I just didn't want to engage in it and I
didn't want anything to do with it, but like I
literally kept telling her, And it's hard until you actually
sort of like have like the proof that I was
actually literally just struggling to pay attention and then just
(06:01):
knowing that helps your therapist be able to treat you
differently and like what you learn best, you know, Like,
so there's lots of different things that I was exposed
to that I wouldn't have been if I hadn't just
taken responsibility for my own life and said, like, I
need to go and just figure out who the hell
I am again, because you know, largely I was lost
(06:22):
in that two years, Like I didn't know, I lost
all identity with myself. I didn't know who it was anymore.
And that was the best thing I did, to be honest, like,
because I feel like I'm much more in touch with
my own self now and I'm not perfect, like there's
no way on perfect. There's still things that I need
to work on, but I feel like I know what
those things are now, like so I can work on them.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
When you reflect on your childhood and how those things
with your dad shaped you, and I know, you know
We've spoken many times before about how much you love
your dad and he was your best mate. So I
don't mean it in any negative way. But when you
think about that and the impact that it had, does
it make you reflect on the dad that you want
to be an impact you're having on your kids, And.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
Look, Dad, Dad wasn't you know? Dad took responsibility for
his own actions, Like I remember him telling me, like
you know, just before he went, like he said to me,
he said, don't make the stay mistakes that I did.
He said that to me, and that stuck with me,
and he didn't mean it in a bad way, like
you know, like I said, everyone makes mistakes like people.
(07:25):
You know, like I said, for the first two years
of Ruby's life, like you know, I was an active
drug addict, like so, we all make mistakes, and who
knows how that's going to affect her later on in life.
Hopefully you know, she was way too young to sort
of have any memory of it, but you just never know.
So you know, now I focus like on showing emotion
(07:47):
around my kids, like so letting him know that it's
okay to feel, you know, feel sad, you feel anxious,
because then you can sort of chat with him about it,
like pushing it aside and like showing them that it's
not okay to feel these sorts of different emotions is
a bit old school. Like I remember, actually there was
(08:09):
one thing that stuck out to me as a kid.
I remember being at my grandmother's funeral, dad's mum's funeral,
and I always as a kid, I think I was
about ten at the time, maybe even a little younger
until this day, like I still like, I don't know
why my dad never cried. I was like I couldn't
understand how, you know, he was at his mum's funeral
and he never cried. And I just think it was
(08:30):
one of those things where back in the day, you
just men didn't do that, like you just sucked it
up and that was how you were. But now, like
I've cried in front of my kids, they'll ask me
what's wrong. You don't have to go into any detail.
You just say, daddy's sad, like, and then they know, like,
you know, crying and sad like they're associated. Like they
(08:50):
start to learn these things rather than you know, walking
away into my room and they they think that that's
what you do, Like, you know, they start to see that,
and they think that when you're feeling these sorts of emotions,
you don't show them in front of anyone.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
That's what they're learning.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Yeah, yeah, so yeah, we always encourage our kids, and
I often hear Kelly talking about like trying to really
break down their emotions and talk to them about it,
and she's much better at that than I am. But it's
just so that, like, you know, they feel like they
can literally share anything with us.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
What do you want your kids to say about you?
Speaker 2 (09:29):
I just want them to be able to come to
me and literally just share anything with me. I want
to be like and that's why I had kids earlier.
I want to be a young parent. I want to
be able to do things with my kids, you know.
I want to be able to go down whatever sport
you know, Carter and Ruby pick like. I want to
be able to be actively involved in that, whether it's
coaching or whether it's just sort of helping them or
(09:49):
supporting them. But yeah, most of most of all, I
want them to just come out with good values, like
you know, decent values, and just be decent kids and
like it. But you know, I wanted to look at
me and just think that their dad is an honest person, honest,
hard working person that did everything for them.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
I love that you Every time I ask you a
question about your kids, your whole face lights up. You
smile with this massive, beaming smile across the face, and
you're not like they're just But I love that because
you started this conversation by saying you were muted to
all of those feelings so well, So that's why it's
special to see that on your face.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
Yeah, I was like, you know, you're always going to
love your kids, and I always love my kids, even
when I was, you know, actively involved into destructive behaviors.
But you do learn, like when you're out of those
behaviors and you actually start to really feel those emotions,
like it's a good feeling, Like you know, you can't
(10:44):
that's shit, that money can't. Oh, I like, you know,
that's just natural things that just feel good and make
you feel good. And like all the things that you
know a short term like dopamine fixes, like gambling and
drug taking, and they're all just like I said, short
term and they're all going to only lead to bad things.
The real feel the feel good chemicals are just you know,
(11:07):
the ones where you walk through the door and you
your kids come and give your heart, like puts things
in the perspective and makes things just worth it, Like
you know, you get excited about coming home.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
I'm going to be chatting to call in a moment,
but I just want to finish by asking you, are
you proud of yourself?
Speaker 2 (11:24):
Yeah, look I am, And that's weird, like considering you
know the damage that I've done, But you've got to
give yourself credit where credit's due. And like, no matter
who you are, you're always going to go through something
challenging in your life. Like I just think I think
that's inevitable, like things will be more challenging than others.
But I think that everyone will go through something adversity
(11:48):
or something challenging in their life, and it's sort of
how you do. It's how you come out the other end,
you know, Like I'll go through more like there's no doubt,
like through my life, list full of it. So the
next challenge that comes along, I just think that I'll
be more resilient for it, like I've obviously there's been
a history of different challenging situations that you know that
(12:09):
I'll take different pieces from any future ones that come up,
like I feel like I'll be better place to handle them.
But yeah, you just you look back and you yeah,
like you do feel stupid and shit about the stuff
that's happened, but you've also got to be really proud
of particularly where I am now, Like, yeah, it's it's
been a big turnaround, and like that doesn't happen just
(12:29):
by chance, like you know, you do have to. It's
like football. You know, the better footballers do most of
the time like dance on a side.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
They do the work.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Yeah, they do the work, and there's a reason why
they're the best. The people that you know that will
get better and actually start flourishing in life are the
ones that get off the us and just do it. Yeah.
Like I said, there's there's no one that can do
that for you, like you have to do it yourself.
Speaker 1 (12:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
I am proud of myself like you have to be.
And for other people out there to hear that I've
battled through it and gone through it and gotten out
the other side of it, it should be hope for
other people. And I'm always accessible and I'm always willing
to help other people, and that's probably the thing that
I'm most proud of.
Speaker 1 (13:14):
It's a very good thing to be proud of, and
I appreciate you doing this podcast and being as honest
as you are. We'll say what your wife has to
say that are you're nervous about that?
Speaker 2 (13:25):
When you mentioned this to me, It's something that I
always you know, whether it's the family or the partner,
I feel like they always sort of almost get forgotten
about a little bit. And hopefully Kelly tells yourself, like
she's been able to get some therapy on the back
of my own mistakes, and it's literally because of that.
There's a lot of baggage that comes with dealing with
(13:48):
someone or being with someone who's gone through a fair bit.
Like you know, I feel like we're in the best
place we've been in, you know, for the last twelve
years now, but like like I can't just forget about
like how shitty things were, and yeah, I feel like,
you know, oftentimes where people the focus and the energy
always goes on to the person that's I guess battling,
(14:10):
and you know, sometimes the partner or the mom, or
the dad, or the brother or the sister, they can
get forgotten about. And I think that Kelly can help
a lot of other people, like other wives or other
husbands in these situations like that, maybe living with someone
who's going through the same things that I have, and
(14:31):
what she did or how she helped or what helped
her like you know. So I feel like she's got
a lot to add and she can help a lot
of people herself. So hopefully, hopefully she doesn't say too.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
Let's get her in here, shall we. This is ordinarily
speaking with Kelly Beams. Well, Kelly, this is a first.
I'm getting a family member involved in ordinarily speaking. I'm
quite excited about this. Thanks for joining me. That's okay.
I feel nervous. Why it's just me and I'm in
(15:10):
your house.
Speaker 3 (15:11):
I know, I know we're talking at the bench before
and it was so fine, whereas now I'm like holding
a microphone. So funny.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
So I've just spent you know, the best part of
an hour chatting to Beansy about everything that he's been through.
And I know you a little bit. I know you
know Beamesy a bit over the years. But I guess
the thing that most people want to know is why
did you stick by him through everything?
Speaker 3 (15:34):
I didn't give me a choice. No, Look, I think
it was so hard for so long. But so it
gets to a point the more you're educated around what's
actually going on, it's not really a choice, like one
mental health isn't a choice, Addiction isn't a choice. Not
chooses to wake up and live that sort of life,
like they're literally suffering from this disease. And so I
(15:57):
think the more I became educated about it all and
just understanding of it all, you know, you're with someone
because you love them, you want to support them, and
you know everything else that comes with it. But yeah,
I guess the more you become a little bit more
educated around what's really going on for them, and you
take away the factor thinking like it's you verse them
or they're lying to me, they're doing it to hurt me,
(16:18):
and it's you take away it like being a personal
attack to just a symptom or you know, a side
effect of this disease and stuff. So you're just there
to support them really like they're struggling. You don't sort
of just leave someone while they're struggling or while they're down. So, yeah,
because I.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
Love him, how hard was it for you? Very?
Speaker 3 (16:39):
Very There's no one in my life that could give
me advice from experience, I didn't really have or know
of anyone I could reach out to and be like like, oh,
what is it like, what is going on?
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Like? What do you do?
Speaker 3 (16:53):
How do you support them? How do you continue living
life as normal? How do you keep this all under
wraps like it's and look at the end of the day, like,
I get the Danes a public figure, but this is
our private life. I didn't sign up to talk my
private life. Like, you know, I get there is that
aspect of it all and stuff, and people always have
opinions and make up something to you know, make things
(17:13):
sound exciting or rumors. You know.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
I get that.
Speaker 3 (17:16):
I've learned to live with it, except it whatever, that's fine.
But yeah, when it's your personal life just out on display,
and you know, and to be struggling and something as
bad as mental health like an addiction and stuff, you
just have outbursts and this and that and people get
a grasp of what's going on. It was so hard. God,
and there's no textbook for life. There's no textbook to
(17:37):
deal with someone with addictions and all this sort of stuff.
There was. We had some good help around us. We're
lucky that Dane was a part of the AFL. We
did have some good help for people that you know,
don't have that support, where how I feel for them,
like struggling day to day dealing with I Yeah, like
I just don't know how people get hied without the
support that we had. And I feel like I'm a
pretty grounded person. I don't I try not to judge,
(18:00):
and you know, I just take people as they come.
And so even the support that I had around me personally,
like my closest friends, my family was huge, huge help.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
God, it must have been hard for them. Did they
want you to stand by? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (18:16):
Yeah, Look there wasn't anyone that ever said leave him.
There were definitely times where well I did leave at
one point. It just, yeah, it got too much. Like
obviously with addiction comes lying and betrayal, and you know,
whether it was about the drugs and stuff or even
the gambling, like it just it definitely takes its toll
(18:37):
on you, Like it's so heavy, like you can't actually
explain explain it. You feel like you're being betrayed every
single day, every minute, you know, and then it causes
a resentment and you know, all this underlying contempt and
stuff that you're left to deal with after Like Dan's
good now, but you know, I'm sure he still fights
his struggles and stuff one hundred percent. And I take
(18:59):
my hat off to him because he doing amazing now.
But for me, it's like, well, I'm glad you're sort
of passed it. But there is all this underlining sort
of thing, like I guess trauma from it all. But
I mean in the same way, like he deals with
his things, I'm dealing with mine, and like we're just
sticking by each other and supporting.
Speaker 1 (19:18):
Were there any moments that were harder than others that
that sort of stand out to you?
Speaker 3 (19:24):
Oh, to be honest, it's all become a bit of
a blur, and I think I've I think I've tried
to raise a.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
Lot of it.
Speaker 3 (19:31):
Just moments. There were just moments you just like a
mental health side, say for example, before football games. You know,
he'd call me up crying, he's at the park. You
can't can't move, like paralyzed almost like just couldn't function.
And I remember to the game like a big game
one hundred, one hundred.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Fiftieth in Adelaide.
Speaker 3 (19:51):
Yeah, that's the one.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
Did you talk about it? We haven't spoken about it,
it's previous times that I've interviewed him. And then he
mentioned that it was his one hundred and fifty and
there was family that had flown to Adelaide to be there,
and he had an emotional breakdown before the game and
had to come home.
Speaker 3 (20:07):
Yeah, and I just remember talking to him on the
phone before and so much pressure from you know, playing AFL,
like people expect you to show up and perform, and
I agree, like, you know, it's their job, they should
be taking it professionally and stuff. But at the end
of the day, he's literally human. He could be anyone's son, brother, cousin.
And he just said, like, I just I can't get
(20:29):
out there. I just know I can't perform. I'm gonna
let everyone down. And I said, you're gonna let them
down more if you get out there and just put
on a shit show, like's just call it. We hung up,
and he was just so upset, and for me, like
with the mental health side of things at that point,
I was just like, oh what, you know, just on
edge about like he's in a really bad place, and
I just he's not in a good way. Someone needs
(20:49):
to actually go up there and be with him. He
literally needs someone to put their arm around him and
just care for him. Like he's not playing today, there's
no way he'll get out and play. And so someone
went up there and oh, noble David, that's it. Yeah,
And I think he went up there and he just
sort of did exactly that, and that was it. Like
from that point, I think when knew things were gonna
(21:10):
go pretty down hill, like after losing his dad, it
was just he's just gonna get it off his mind,
like just struggled with it big time. God, the rest
just it does. It becomes such a big blur. But
there's things like you know, the gambling, Like you know,
he'd just come out and he'd look at me and
I just thought, what now, like who how much? Sort
of thing. And I remember there was one point I
(21:33):
asked his brother Clay to come around. I just said,
because I received something in the mail and it had
you know, Dane's name on it and it was like
a loan company and he obviously didn't think they were
going to send out a letter anyway. So I opened
it up and you know there's another you know so much,
and I just think, oh, it was just time after time,
and it was just you know, kicking the guts every time,
but at the same time and knew he was just struggling.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
He opened up on the day that he crushed his
car on purpose.
Speaker 3 (22:02):
Well yeah, yeah, see that's probably the biggest. Actually, that
was traumatizing. I can't tell you how insane that was.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
Did you get a phone call or sorry, han, No,
it's okay.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
That day he was messaging us, so I was arounded
his sisters. It was coming to the afternoon and she
was about she lives about half an hour away from us,
and we were sitting at the park and he's going on.
He was sending messages going off at his mom about
you know, stuff between his mum and his dad, and
(22:48):
then he was messaging me, and I just said, like, like,
you try and be so gentle with them, like and think,
you know, like just be gentle. And this day I
just had enough and I was just like, you know what, enough,
just fucking cut it out, you know, I just went
right off. It wasn't like leaving him or anything.
Speaker 1 (23:06):
It was just enough.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
You know, you get your shit together like this, it
can't go on and like and then it got to
the point where his mom was like, no, no, no,
like he's dolling at me goodbye and stuff. And then
he and then he he started messaging me like he's
goodbyes and like tell her kids, I'll always love him
and you know, all this sort of stuff. And at
(23:29):
that point, I was like, I've never had him say
that to me, like never, and I was like, fuck,
what did I do? Like why did I send him
that message? Why did I say? Why did I say that?
You know, he's struggling, but you know, and it was
very rare, very rare that I would actually go off
like that. And really, if you read that message and
it was just to someone who wasn't struggling, it's really
(23:50):
not that bad. But for him, you know, I don't know.
And then he turned his phone off and I was like, fuck,
what do you do? What do you actually do? I
don't know anyone, Like, I don't know what to do.
And I called the cops and I was like, quick
trace his phone, do something like they tried to. And
then at that point, he was driving a higher car
so they couldn't even check like the East Link tolls
or nothing. And I was like, where could you go?
(24:13):
Like where could you go? I sent my sister was
ten minutes from the factory like where he works, and
I said, can you just go down and see if
his car's out the front? I sent police there. I
sent a girlfriend she was working ten minutes from her
house because I can get to a house. It was
forty five minutes way in traffic, and I was like,
I'm just balling my eyes. I couldn't even speak on
(24:34):
the phone to the police. It was just insane. I
had the kids with me, and so I'm lucky that
my mother in law and my sister in law were
there and they had the kids inside. And then I
sent a girl friend, you know, to call your friend
and say, can you go to my house and see
if my husband's home? Can you see if his car's
out the front, like you know, And then she's like,
(24:58):
you know, out of nowhere. Imagine getting a phone ca
and I just didn't know what to do. And she's like, yeah,
I'll be there in a minute, and you know, she's like,
he's the car's not here. The door was locked. I
can't see anything out of the back, like you know,
through the window and stuff. And then at the factory,
you know, my sister was there and she's like he's
not like there's nothing here. We've broken into the you know,
(25:22):
broken the door and stuff, but yeah, it's not hear grint,
you know, So what do you do? How do you
you have to literally sit there and wait for a
call from someone. Anyways, we had to go report him
was missing, like because of it, and they're like, you're
aware that they're probably gonna put on the news and stuff,
and I.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
Was just like, this is just fucked, you know, Like.
Speaker 3 (25:45):
Anyway, So I was on my way to the police
station and like I had my sister in law's partner
at the time driving me, and then when I got
a call from the police and they were just like,
you know, it's so and so and we're just to
hear at the hospital with Dane. Can you Yeah, he's
(26:07):
only asking you. He won't talk. And at this point
I was so mad, You're okay, but I was ready
to voculating myself.
Speaker 1 (26:19):
Oh I was just ow, you.
Speaker 3 (26:22):
Know, to me, I think, how did you do that?
Or something like and I think I would never do that.
But again, you've got to bring it back and look
at it, like he must be in such a point
because people see how and how selfish and how can
you not? You know, people are that help, but these
people are in a place of like ultimate struggle that
we are. So if we're saying that, how do they
(26:43):
do that? We are so lucky and privileged that we
are not in that position and we will most likely
never have to be like so, I just yeah, yeah,
and that was a hard day. That was the hardest
day of my life.
Speaker 1 (26:57):
I would say, I just I have so much admiration
for you of everything that you've for want of a
better term, put up with and lived through. And because
I've seen the great side of him, right, I know, yeah,
I know the person that he can be.
Speaker 3 (27:17):
I'm literally shaking with adrenaline. Sorry, oh it's got me going.
Speaker 1 (27:21):
Yeah okay, but are you? Are you okay? Like for
people who are listening to this, who are families of
addicts and people who have gone through mental health, how
are you supporting yourself through this to make sure that
you know you can then support him, but that you're okay?
Because yeah, kids as well, But how have you gotten
(27:44):
through it? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (27:46):
Look, there's been different times where I guess I've actually
learned to block my emotions out, which is not good.
It's not healthy at all. But it's sort of like
it was my survival mode and I too little babies
I had to look after. Like it was just I
didn't actually have a choice, and I guess I don't
(28:06):
struggle for mental health or anything like that, so I
was able to put myself in a position where, yeah,
I guess it was survival mode and I just had
to get through, get the kids sorted. There was even
you know, at times, I feel like i'd sort of
blocked down out, like you do you what you got
to do for you, and you know, I'll do this,
but yeah, again sort of had to bring it back
(28:31):
and reminding me myself that I am there to help
still support him too in regards to myself, Like I
speak to a psychiatrist every two weeks. A lot of
the time, I feel it's learning to manage, you know,
someone with those sort of mental health it's forever going
to be a continuous like managing things. But my reaction
(28:53):
and understanding how we both feel like and I don't know,
it's sort of hard to explain, but just putting an
all together and getting through life on a daily basis.
I just see her and it's seriously, oh god, it
makes them feel so much better after talking to her.
She's just you know, it's like a light bulb moment
every time, and I would highly recommend you highly recommend it.
(29:15):
You know it can be expensive, but you know you'd
rather put my money there doing that and living happily
than spending the money getting my nails or you know
something else that people do to fill up their cup.
This is huge, like to go speak to someone, have
these light bulb moments, get it off your chest, learn,
educate yourself how to react differently, like you know, i'd
(29:37):
just say respond rather than react, you know the difference
between that one. Yeah, it's just little things like that.
That's you know, they're the little things and they make
so much sense to like or knowing when you know
you're emotionally flooded or feelings and you just need to
stop because going back and forth is not going to
(29:57):
get you anywhere. It's just going to get worse in
going around in circles. So literally stop, take a breather,
and come back, and it's just little things. It just
gets you through.
Speaker 1 (30:06):
Have you forgiven him? Yeah? I have.
Speaker 3 (30:10):
Unfortunately, like there's still resentment there with everything. You know,
you just think, fuck, like what could have you know,
I don't know, you do you think what could have been?
But at the same time those thoughts come, you know,
they come through my mind and they accept pretty quickly too,
because we're still living comfortably, like we're still lucky. We've
(30:30):
got everything we have we you know, and Dane's worked
so hard to sort of get back to a position
where he can support us as a family. I've been
so lucky. I've been able to, you know, work part
time and only you know, just maybe go full time
next year or something once Web starts school. But I've
been able to spend so much time with the kids
(30:51):
and stuff. So, you know, as much as I support him,
he supports us too.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
Is that would your advice then be for people, make
sure you get your own head and I guess accept
the feelings and then you know, let them go as
they come by. Is that way you're sort of saying, like,
acknowledge them, but don't dwell on them more. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (31:09):
Absolutely, I mean it's you know, I guess easier said
than done. Yeah, but yeah, you'll find your way to manage.
It kind of goes on like a cycle. You feel
a bit of anger and then you feel this and
you feel that and just kind of cycles. And yeah,
but I definitely say get out, like go speak to someone,
open up to someone that's close to you. You know,
(31:29):
I have an amazing friend who I can speak with,
and you know, she studied law and mediation and stuff
and she's so fantastic. She's such a fens hitter when
it comes to me talking about Dane or anything in
life anything. And yeah, like I'm so lucky that I
haven't had people around me saying just leave him, just
leave him too hard basket, you know, like at the
end of the day, like I'm want our family tore
(31:51):
that's the father of my kids, and you know, like
we can make a great life together. So you know,
like it could have been the easy way out. And
we've definitely had our struggles where we have been a part,
you know, for small amounts of periods and stuff, but
you work through it. Sometimes you just need that space,
you know, and then you might come back together.
Speaker 2 (32:09):
So are you.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
Stronger for it?
Speaker 3 (32:12):
Absolutely? Yeah, yeah, I think so.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
Thank you. I like I say, this is the first
time I've had a family member, but I just I
thought it would be really important to hear the other
side of it because I think people hear day inside
of the story and yeah, wonder what you think, Wonder
how you feel. And like I said, I'm lucky enough
that I've had a couple of conversations with you, so
I just think you're a bloody saint. You're just a
(32:38):
wonderful person and a great mum. But I'm really genuinely
happy to see you two both in a really good space.
And you smile when I say that. I feel like
you've both just worked your ass off and you've got
into a space where you're happy.
Speaker 3 (32:54):
Yeah, one hundred percent we are. We're feeling good. It's
nice change. Thanks girl, no worries, Thank you some time.
Speaker 1 (33:09):
Thanks to Dane and particularly to his wife Kelly for
being so honest. If this episode was triggering for you,
please know there is help out there. Beyond blue dot org,
dot au or Lifeline one three, double one one four
are just a couple of places you can go, and
your episode will drop next week. If you like the podcast,
please hit subscribe and tell your mates want me go.
Thanks for listening to Ordinarily Speaking. This is part two
of the episode with former football at Dane Beams. We're
also about to hear from his wife Kelly, how empowering
was it to own your shit?
Speaker 2 (00:19):
There's no other way forward without it? Can I hear it?
Speaker 1 (00:22):
Now?
Speaker 2 (00:23):
I know I probably sounded the same way, but you
know I can start to sense, you know, people that
are trying to help, Like you can start the sense
when they're a bit of in the self pity mode
and it's like almost like they're trying to blame others,
and you've got to quickly stamp that out, like it's
you need it, You need to take responsibility for your
own actions, Like it's it's only you can change you.
(00:45):
I eys can do that for you. Like there's lots
of people out there that can help you and you know,
push you in the right direction, but ultimately you are
the only one that can change you. It's as simple
as that. You know, I fell in the trap for
a while there of you know, thinking medications are going
to fix me, Thinking psychologists we're going to fix me that.
(01:07):
Like again, they'll help you, like they'll medication will help
you get out of bed to try and help yourself.
It's not going to make you feel instantly better.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
When you say medication, you're meaning anti Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Yeah, So I still take my any depressants and look,
they're not like a lot of those any deepressants and
medications aren't for everyone, but they help me. And that's
you know, every case is individualized. But it comes down
to you just doing the work. And what I mean
by doing the work is just being accountable, like for
(01:41):
your own actions, being consciously aware of what you're saying,
what you're doing, you know, who you're associating yourself with.
There's a lot of things that make up your recovery plan.
Like it's it's very full on, I guess, and I
think that I think helped me the most was like
(02:02):
understanding myself again, like literally like going back to when
I was a kid and you know, thinking about things
that you know, the way I was, like okay, so
like I was, I was always very you know, self
conscious and would always like question my own self worth.
Like when I started going back and thinking about me
(02:23):
as a kid, like there were some things that happened
to me as a kid, and it was like there
were like light bulb moments where I was like holy shit,
like you know, for instance, I'll give you an example,
there was there was a time where, you know, I
was really close with my dad, but early on d
Dad had some issues, you know, Dad Dad was an
alcoholic himself, Like he had his own addiction sort of issues,
(02:46):
you know, and he got a lot lot better later
on in our lives, but you know, early on, like
it affected him and as a consequence, affected us. And
there was a time where I, you know, I was
forgotten about after school. I was I was left in
a bus stop, and like that moment, you know, you
start to think as a kid, like why why, Like
you know, you're not consciously wherever it, but like in
(03:08):
hindsight and looking back on it, you know, there's no coincidence.
Why I was always very you know, like why isn't
that person right and back to me? Or like you know,
why doesn't that person love me? Like you know, it
becomes like there's there's a lot of these sorts of
issues that we don't even think of. Really, Like it's
not until you actually start thinking about like your childhood
(03:29):
and like how because I feel like it's the same
people always say when you're gone by and I'm not
a big dog person, Like I've now worked out, but
I I've had about four or five different dogs.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
It took you five to work Yeah, it takes your
while to work things out once you've worked it out.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Yeah, they'd always say the same thing, like, what you
teach this dog in the first six months is how
it's going to be for the rest of its life.
And I feel like God like that that's the same
with humans on a larger scale obviously, like dogies, Yeah,
we live longer than dogs, But I feel like that's
just the same thing, like how we're brought up. And look,
(04:09):
there's some things that you can't parents can't control, like
who you go and hang around with at school, Like yeahs,
there's things like that that are you know, sort of uncontrollable.
But you know, I feel like largely like your upbringing
has a big part of how you look at things
and how you feel about things and how you handle
different situations. And that's there's there's no knock on my dad, like,
(04:34):
you know, he made a mistake. We all make mistakes,
but it's like it's about understanding how that mistake had
affected me and how I could potentially deal with it
and handle certain situations that might arise in my life
now that may make me feel like that again. But
how how I start to challenge it? And like, I
think you need to understand that before you can actually
(04:56):
challenge it. You know, the psychologists never helped me as
much the drug stuff, but they helped me a lot
with I guess, you know, understanding myself again and like
you know, literally going back and prompting me to answer
things and think about things that you know, I never
would have thought of if I didn't go and get therapy.
During this time, I was also had some eurocyde testing
(05:18):
and I was diagnosed with add so not the ADHD,
so I didn't have the hyperactive side of things, but
you know, I had attention deficit disorder. Yeah. Like so
you know, Kelly and I had had therapy and stuff before,
and I really struggled to implement some of the things
that our therapist was saying to me. And it wasn't
because I didn't want to. And I used to say
(05:40):
this to Kelly a lot. I was like, I just
can't like concentrate. She always just to think that that
was a choice that I was making, and like that
I just didn't want to engage in it and I
didn't want anything to do with it, but like I
literally kept telling her, And it's hard until you actually
sort of like have like the proof that I was
actually literally just struggling to pay attention and then just
(06:01):
knowing that helps your therapist be able to treat you
differently and like what you learn best, you know, Like,
so there's lots of different things that I was exposed
to that I wouldn't have been if I hadn't just
taken responsibility for my own life and said, like, I
need to go and just figure out who the hell
I am again, because you know, largely I was lost
(06:22):
in that two years, Like I didn't know, I lost
all identity with myself. I didn't know who it was anymore.
And that was the best thing I did, to be honest, like,
because I feel like I'm much more in touch with
my own self now and I'm not perfect, like there's
no way on perfect. There's still things that I need
to work on, but I feel like I know what
those things are now, like so I can work on them.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
When you reflect on your childhood and how those things
with your dad shaped you, and I know, you know
We've spoken many times before about how much you love
your dad and he was your best mate. So I
don't mean it in any negative way. But when you
think about that and the impact that it had, does
it make you reflect on the dad that you want
to be an impact you're having on your kids, And.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
Look, Dad, Dad wasn't you know? Dad took responsibility for
his own actions, Like I remember him telling me, like
you know, just before he went, like he said to me,
he said, don't make the stay mistakes that I did.
He said that to me, and that stuck with me,
and he didn't mean it in a bad way, like
you know, like I said, everyone makes mistakes like people.
(07:25):
You know, like I said, for the first two years
of Ruby's life, like you know, I was an active
drug addict, like so, we all make mistakes, and who
knows how that's going to affect her later on in life.
Hopefully you know, she was way too young to sort
of have any memory of it, but you just never know.
So you know, now I focus like on showing emotion
(07:47):
around my kids, like so letting him know that it's
okay to feel, you know, feel sad, you feel anxious,
because then you can sort of chat with him about it,
like pushing it aside and like showing them that it's
not okay to feel these sorts of different emotions is
a bit old school. Like I remember, actually there was
(08:09):
one thing that stuck out to me as a kid.
I remember being at my grandmother's funeral, dad's mum's funeral,
and I always as a kid, I think I was
about ten at the time, maybe even a little younger
until this day, like I still like, I don't know
why my dad never cried. I was like I couldn't
understand how, you know, he was at his mum's funeral
and he never cried. And I just think it was
(08:30):
one of those things where back in the day, you
just men didn't do that, like you just sucked it
up and that was how you were. But now, like
I've cried in front of my kids, they'll ask me
what's wrong. You don't have to go into any detail.
You just say, daddy's sad, like, and then they know, like,
you know, crying and sad like they're associated. Like they
(08:50):
start to learn these things rather than you know, walking
away into my room and they they think that that's
what you do, Like, you know, they start to see that,
and they think that when you're feeling these sorts of emotions,
you don't show them in front of anyone.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
That's what they're learning.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Yeah, yeah, so yeah, we always encourage our kids, and
I often hear Kelly talking about like trying to really
break down their emotions and talk to them about it,
and she's much better at that than I am. But it's
just so that, like, you know, they feel like they
can literally share anything with us.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
What do you want your kids to say about you?
Speaker 2 (09:29):
I just want them to be able to come to
me and literally just share anything with me. I want
to be like and that's why I had kids earlier.
I want to be a young parent. I want to
be able to do things with my kids, you know.
I want to be able to go down whatever sport
you know, Carter and Ruby pick like. I want to
be able to be actively involved in that, whether it's
coaching or whether it's just sort of helping them or
(09:49):
supporting them. But yeah, most of most of all, I
want them to just come out with good values, like
you know, decent values, and just be decent kids and
like it. But you know, I wanted to look at
me and just think that their dad is an honest person, honest,
hard working person that did everything for them.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
I love that you Every time I ask you a
question about your kids, your whole face lights up. You
smile with this massive, beaming smile across the face, and
you're not like they're just But I love that because
you started this conversation by saying you were muted to
all of those feelings so well, So that's why it's
special to see that on your face.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
Yeah, I was like, you know, you're always going to
love your kids, and I always love my kids, even
when I was, you know, actively involved into destructive behaviors.
But you do learn, like when you're out of those
behaviors and you actually start to really feel those emotions,
like it's a good feeling, Like you know, you can't
(10:44):
that's shit, that money can't. Oh, I like, you know,
that's just natural things that just feel good and make
you feel good. And like all the things that you
know a short term like dopamine fixes, like gambling and
drug taking, and they're all just like I said, short
term and they're all going to only lead to bad things.
The real feel the feel good chemicals are just you know,
(11:07):
the ones where you walk through the door and you
your kids come and give your heart, like puts things
in the perspective and makes things just worth it, Like
you know, you get excited about coming home.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
I'm going to be chatting to call in a moment,
but I just want to finish by asking you, are
you proud of yourself?
Speaker 2 (11:24):
Yeah, look I am, And that's weird, like considering you
know the damage that I've done, But you've got to
give yourself credit where credit's due. And like, no matter
who you are, you're always going to go through something
challenging in your life. Like I just think I think
that's inevitable, like things will be more challenging than others.
But I think that everyone will go through something adversity
(11:48):
or something challenging in their life, and it's sort of
how you do. It's how you come out the other end,
you know, Like I'll go through more like there's no doubt,
like through my life, list full of it. So the
next challenge that comes along, I just think that I'll
be more resilient for it, like I've obviously there's been
a history of different challenging situations that you know that
(12:09):
I'll take different pieces from any future ones that come up,
like I feel like I'll be better place to handle them.
But yeah, you just you look back and you yeah,
like you do feel stupid and shit about the stuff
that's happened, but you've also got to be really proud
of particularly where I am now, Like, yeah, it's it's
been a big turnaround, and like that doesn't happen just
(12:29):
by chance, like you know, you do have to. It's
like football. You know, the better footballers do most of
the time like dance on a side.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
They do the work.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Yeah, they do the work, and there's a reason why
they're the best. The people that you know that will
get better and actually start flourishing in life are the
ones that get off the us and just do it. Yeah.
Like I said, there's there's no one that can do
that for you, like you have to do it yourself.
Speaker 1 (12:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
I am proud of myself like you have to be.
And for other people out there to hear that I've
battled through it and gone through it and gotten out
the other side of it, it should be hope for
other people. And I'm always accessible and I'm always willing
to help other people, and that's probably the thing that
I'm most proud of.
Speaker 1 (13:14):
It's a very good thing to be proud of, and
I appreciate you doing this podcast and being as honest
as you are. We'll say what your wife has to
say that are you're nervous about that?
Speaker 2 (13:25):
When you mentioned this to me, It's something that I
always you know, whether it's the family or the partner,
I feel like they always sort of almost get forgotten
about a little bit. And hopefully Kelly tells yourself, like
she's been able to get some therapy on the back
of my own mistakes, and it's literally because of that.
There's a lot of baggage that comes with dealing with
(13:48):
someone or being with someone who's gone through a fair bit.
Like you know, I feel like we're in the best
place we've been in, you know, for the last twelve
years now, but like like I can't just forget about
like how shitty things were, and yeah, I feel like,
you know, oftentimes where people the focus and the energy
always goes on to the person that's I guess battling,
(14:10):
and you know, sometimes the partner or the mom, or
the dad, or the brother or the sister, they can
get forgotten about. And I think that Kelly can help
a lot of other people, like other wives or other
husbands in these situations like that, maybe living with someone
who's going through the same things that I have, and
(14:31):
what she did or how she helped or what helped
her like you know. So I feel like she's got
a lot to add and she can help a lot
of people herself. So hopefully, hopefully she doesn't say too.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
Let's get her in here, shall we. This is ordinarily
speaking with Kelly Beams. Well, Kelly, this is a first.
I'm getting a family member involved in ordinarily speaking. I'm
quite excited about this. Thanks for joining me. That's okay.
I feel nervous. Why it's just me and I'm in
(15:10):
your house.
Speaker 3 (15:11):
I know, I know we're talking at the bench before
and it was so fine, whereas now I'm like holding
a microphone. So funny.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
So I've just spent you know, the best part of
an hour chatting to Beansy about everything that he's been through.
And I know you a little bit. I know you
know Beamesy a bit over the years. But I guess
the thing that most people want to know is why
did you stick by him through everything?
Speaker 3 (15:34):
I didn't give me a choice. No, Look, I think
it was so hard for so long. But so it
gets to a point the more you're educated around what's
actually going on, it's not really a choice, like one
mental health isn't a choice, Addiction isn't a choice. Not
chooses to wake up and live that sort of life,
like they're literally suffering from this disease. And so I
(15:57):
think the more I became educated about it all and
just understanding of it all, you know, you're with someone
because you love them, you want to support them, and
you know everything else that comes with it. But yeah,
I guess the more you become a little bit more
educated around what's really going on for them, and you
take away the factor thinking like it's you verse them
or they're lying to me, they're doing it to hurt me,
(16:18):
and it's you take away it like being a personal
attack to just a symptom or you know, a side
effect of this disease and stuff. So you're just there
to support them really like they're struggling. You don't sort
of just leave someone while they're struggling or while they're down. So, yeah,
because I.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
Love him, how hard was it for you? Very?
Speaker 3 (16:39):
Very There's no one in my life that could give
me advice from experience, I didn't really have or know
of anyone I could reach out to and be like like, oh,
what is it like, what is going on?
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Like? What do you do?
Speaker 3 (16:53):
How do you support them? How do you continue living
life as normal? How do you keep this all under
wraps like it's and look at the end of the day, like,
I get the Danes a public figure, but this is
our private life. I didn't sign up to talk my
private life. Like, you know, I get there is that
aspect of it all and stuff, and people always have
opinions and make up something to you know, make things
(17:13):
sound exciting or rumors. You know.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
I get that.
Speaker 3 (17:16):
I've learned to live with it, except it whatever, that's fine.
But yeah, when it's your personal life just out on display,
and you know, and to be struggling and something as
bad as mental health like an addiction and stuff, you
just have outbursts and this and that and people get
a grasp of what's going on. It was so hard. God,
and there's no textbook for life. There's no textbook to
(17:37):
deal with someone with addictions and all this sort of stuff.
There was. We had some good help around us. We're
lucky that Dane was a part of the AFL. We
did have some good help for people that you know,
don't have that support, where how I feel for them,
like struggling day to day dealing with I Yeah, like
I just don't know how people get hied without the
support that we had. And I feel like I'm a
pretty grounded person. I don't I try not to judge,
(18:00):
and you know, I just take people as they come.
And so even the support that I had around me personally,
like my closest friends, my family was huge, huge help.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
God, it must have been hard for them. Did they
want you to stand by? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (18:16):
Yeah, Look there wasn't anyone that ever said leave him.
There were definitely times where well I did leave at
one point. It just, yeah, it got too much. Like
obviously with addiction comes lying and betrayal, and you know,
whether it was about the drugs and stuff or even
the gambling, like it just it definitely takes its toll
(18:37):
on you, Like it's so heavy, like you can't actually
explain explain it. You feel like you're being betrayed every
single day, every minute, you know, and then it causes
a resentment and you know, all this underlying contempt and
stuff that you're left to deal with after Like Dan's
good now, but you know, I'm sure he still fights
his struggles and stuff one hundred percent. And I take
(18:59):
my hat off to him because he doing amazing now.
But for me, it's like, well, I'm glad you're sort
of passed it. But there is all this underlining sort
of thing, like I guess trauma from it all. But
I mean in the same way, like he deals with
his things, I'm dealing with mine, and like we're just
sticking by each other and supporting.
Speaker 1 (19:18):
Were there any moments that were harder than others that
that sort of stand out to you?
Speaker 3 (19:24):
Oh, to be honest, it's all become a bit of
a blur, and I think I've I think I've tried
to raise a.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
Lot of it.
Speaker 3 (19:31):
Just moments. There were just moments you just like a
mental health side, say for example, before football games. You know,
he'd call me up crying, he's at the park. You
can't can't move, like paralyzed almost like just couldn't function.
And I remember to the game like a big game
one hundred, one hundred.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Fiftieth in Adelaide.
Speaker 3 (19:51):
Yeah, that's the one.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
Did you talk about it? We haven't spoken about it,
it's previous times that I've interviewed him. And then he
mentioned that it was his one hundred and fifty and
there was family that had flown to Adelaide to be there,
and he had an emotional breakdown before the game and
had to come home.
Speaker 3 (20:07):
Yeah, and I just remember talking to him on the
phone before and so much pressure from you know, playing AFL,
like people expect you to show up and perform, and
I agree, like, you know, it's their job, they should
be taking it professionally and stuff. But at the end
of the day, he's literally human. He could be anyone's son, brother, cousin.
And he just said, like, I just I can't get
(20:29):
out there. I just know I can't perform. I'm gonna
let everyone down. And I said, you're gonna let them
down more if you get out there and just put
on a shit show, like's just call it. We hung up,
and he was just so upset, and for me, like
with the mental health side of things at that point,
I was just like, oh what, you know, just on
edge about like he's in a really bad place, and
I just he's not in a good way. Someone needs
(20:49):
to actually go up there and be with him. He
literally needs someone to put their arm around him and
just care for him. Like he's not playing today, there's
no way he'll get out and play. And so someone
went up there and oh, noble David, that's it. Yeah,
And I think he went up there and he just
sort of did exactly that, and that was it. Like
from that point, I think when knew things were gonna
(21:10):
go pretty down hill, like after losing his dad, it
was just he's just gonna get it off his mind,
like just struggled with it big time. God, the rest
just it does. It becomes such a big blur. But
there's things like you know, the gambling, Like you know,
he'd just come out and he'd look at me and
I just thought, what now, like who how much? Sort
of thing. And I remember there was one point I
(21:33):
asked his brother Clay to come around. I just said,
because I received something in the mail and it had
you know, Dane's name on it and it was like
a loan company and he obviously didn't think they were
going to send out a letter anyway. So I opened
it up and you know there's another you know so much,
and I just think, oh, it was just time after time,
and it was just you know, kicking the guts every time,
but at the same time and knew he was just struggling.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
He opened up on the day that he crushed his
car on purpose.
Speaker 3 (22:02):
Well yeah, yeah, see that's probably the biggest. Actually, that
was traumatizing. I can't tell you how insane that was.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
Did you get a phone call or sorry, han, No,
it's okay.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
That day he was messaging us, so I was arounded
his sisters. It was coming to the afternoon and she
was about she lives about half an hour away from us,
and we were sitting at the park and he's going on.
He was sending messages going off at his mom about
you know, stuff between his mum and his dad, and
(22:48):
then he was messaging me, and I just said, like, like,
you try and be so gentle with them, like and think,
you know, like just be gentle. And this day I
just had enough and I was just like, you know what, enough,
just fucking cut it out, you know, I just went
right off. It wasn't like leaving him or anything.
Speaker 1 (23:06):
It was just enough.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
You know, you get your shit together like this, it
can't go on and like and then it got to
the point where his mom was like, no, no, no,
like he's dolling at me goodbye and stuff. And then
he and then he he started messaging me like he's
goodbyes and like tell her kids, I'll always love him
and you know, all this sort of stuff. And at
(23:29):
that point, I was like, I've never had him say
that to me, like never, and I was like, fuck,
what did I do? Like why did I send him
that message? Why did I say? Why did I say that?
You know, he's struggling, but you know, and it was
very rare, very rare that I would actually go off
like that. And really, if you read that message and
it was just to someone who wasn't struggling, it's really
(23:50):
not that bad. But for him, you know, I don't know.
And then he turned his phone off and I was like, fuck,
what do you do? What do you actually do? I
don't know anyone, Like, I don't know what to do.
And I called the cops and I was like, quick
trace his phone, do something like they tried to. And
then at that point, he was driving a higher car
so they couldn't even check like the East Link tolls
or nothing. And I was like, where could you go?
(24:13):
Like where could you go? I sent my sister was
ten minutes from the factory like where he works, and
I said, can you just go down and see if
his car's out the front? I sent police there. I
sent a girlfriend she was working ten minutes from her
house because I can get to a house. It was
forty five minutes way in traffic, and I was like,
I'm just balling my eyes. I couldn't even speak on
(24:34):
the phone to the police. It was just insane. I
had the kids with me, and so I'm lucky that
my mother in law and my sister in law were
there and they had the kids inside. And then I
sent a girl friend, you know, to call your friend
and say, can you go to my house and see
if my husband's home? Can you see if his car's
out the front, like you know, And then she's like,
(24:58):
you know, out of nowhere. Imagine getting a phone ca
and I just didn't know what to do. And she's like, yeah,
I'll be there in a minute, and you know, she's like,
he's the car's not here. The door was locked. I
can't see anything out of the back, like you know,
through the window and stuff. And then at the factory,
you know, my sister was there and she's like he's
not like there's nothing here. We've broken into the you know,
(25:22):
broken the door and stuff, but yeah, it's not hear grint,
you know, So what do you do? How do you
you have to literally sit there and wait for a
call from someone. Anyways, we had to go report him
was missing, like because of it, and they're like, you're
aware that they're probably gonna put on the news and stuff,
and I.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
Was just like, this is just fucked, you know, Like.
Speaker 3 (25:45):
Anyway, So I was on my way to the police
station and like I had my sister in law's partner
at the time driving me, and then when I got
a call from the police and they were just like,
you know, it's so and so and we're just to
hear at the hospital with Dane. Can you Yeah, he's
(26:07):
only asking you. He won't talk. And at this point
I was so mad, You're okay, but I was ready
to voculating myself.
Speaker 1 (26:19):
Oh I was just ow, you.
Speaker 3 (26:22):
Know, to me, I think, how did you do that?
Or something like and I think I would never do that.
But again, you've got to bring it back and look
at it, like he must be in such a point
because people see how and how selfish and how can
you not? You know, people are that help, but these
people are in a place of like ultimate struggle that
we are. So if we're saying that, how do they
(26:43):
do that? We are so lucky and privileged that we
are not in that position and we will most likely
never have to be like so, I just yeah, yeah,
and that was a hard day. That was the hardest
day of my life.
Speaker 1 (26:57):
I would say, I just I have so much admiration
for you of everything that you've for want of a
better term, put up with and lived through. And because
I've seen the great side of him, right, I know, yeah,
I know the person that he can be.
Speaker 3 (27:17):
I'm literally shaking with adrenaline. Sorry, oh it's got me going.
Speaker 1 (27:21):
Yeah okay, but are you? Are you okay? Like for
people who are listening to this, who are families of
addicts and people who have gone through mental health, how
are you supporting yourself through this to make sure that
you know you can then support him, but that you're okay?
Because yeah, kids as well, But how have you gotten
(27:44):
through it? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (27:46):
Look, there's been different times where I guess I've actually
learned to block my emotions out, which is not good.
It's not healthy at all. But it's sort of like
it was my survival mode and I too little babies
I had to look after. Like it was just I
didn't actually have a choice, and I guess I don't
(28:06):
struggle for mental health or anything like that, so I
was able to put myself in a position where, yeah,
I guess it was survival mode and I just had
to get through, get the kids sorted. There was even
you know, at times, I feel like i'd sort of
blocked down out, like you do you what you got
to do for you, and you know, I'll do this,
but yeah, again sort of had to bring it back
(28:31):
and reminding me myself that I am there to help
still support him too in regards to myself, Like I
speak to a psychiatrist every two weeks. A lot of
the time, I feel it's learning to manage, you know,
someone with those sort of mental health it's forever going
to be a continuous like managing things. But my reaction
(28:53):
and understanding how we both feel like and I don't know,
it's sort of hard to explain, but just putting an
all together and getting through life on a daily basis.
I just see her and it's seriously, oh god, it
makes them feel so much better after talking to her.
She's just you know, it's like a light bulb moment
every time, and I would highly recommend you highly recommend it.
(29:15):
You know it can be expensive, but you know you'd
rather put my money there doing that and living happily
than spending the money getting my nails or you know
something else that people do to fill up their cup.
This is huge, like to go speak to someone, have
these light bulb moments, get it off your chest, learn,
educate yourself how to react differently, like you know, i'd
(29:37):
just say respond rather than react, you know the difference
between that one. Yeah, it's just little things like that.
That's you know, they're the little things and they make
so much sense to like or knowing when you know
you're emotionally flooded or feelings and you just need to
stop because going back and forth is not going to
(29:57):
get you anywhere. It's just going to get worse in
going around in circles. So literally stop, take a breather,
and come back, and it's just little things. It just
gets you through.
Speaker 1 (30:06):
Have you forgiven him? Yeah? I have.
Speaker 3 (30:10):
Unfortunately, like there's still resentment there with everything. You know,
you just think, fuck, like what could have you know,
I don't know, you do you think what could have been?
But at the same time those thoughts come, you know,
they come through my mind and they accept pretty quickly too,
because we're still living comfortably, like we're still lucky. We've
(30:30):
got everything we have we you know, and Dane's worked
so hard to sort of get back to a position
where he can support us as a family. I've been
so lucky. I've been able to, you know, work part
time and only you know, just maybe go full time
next year or something once Web starts school. But I've
been able to spend so much time with the kids
(30:51):
and stuff. So, you know, as much as I support him,
he supports us too.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
Is that would your advice then be for people, make
sure you get your own head and I guess accept
the feelings and then you know, let them go as
they come by. Is that way you're sort of saying, like,
acknowledge them, but don't dwell on them more. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (31:09):
Absolutely, I mean it's you know, I guess easier said
than done. Yeah, but yeah, you'll find your way to manage.
It kind of goes on like a cycle. You feel
a bit of anger and then you feel this and
you feel that and just kind of cycles. And yeah,
but I definitely say get out, like go speak to someone,
open up to someone that's close to you. You know,
(31:29):
I have an amazing friend who I can speak with,
and you know, she studied law and mediation and stuff
and she's so fantastic. She's such a fens hitter when
it comes to me talking about Dane or anything in
life anything. And yeah, like I'm so lucky that I
haven't had people around me saying just leave him, just
leave him too hard basket, you know, like at the
end of the day, like I'm want our family tore
(31:51):
that's the father of my kids, and you know, like
we can make a great life together. So you know,
like it could have been the easy way out. And
we've definitely had our struggles where we have been a part,
you know, for small amounts of periods and stuff, but
you work through it. Sometimes you just need that space,
you know, and then you might come back together.
Speaker 2 (32:09):
So are you.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
Stronger for it?
Speaker 3 (32:12):
Absolutely? Yeah, yeah, I think so.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
Thank you. I like I say, this is the first
time I've had a family member, but I just I
thought it would be really important to hear the other
side of it because I think people hear day inside
of the story and yeah, wonder what you think, Wonder
how you feel. And like I said, I'm lucky enough
that I've had a couple of conversations with you, so
I just think you're a bloody saint. You're just a
(32:38):
wonderful person and a great mum. But I'm really genuinely
happy to see you two both in a really good space.
And you smile when I say that. I feel like
you've both just worked your ass off and you've got
into a space where you're happy.
Speaker 3 (32:54):
Yeah, one hundred percent we are. We're feeling good. It's
nice change. Thanks girl, no worries, Thank you some time.
Speaker 1 (33:09):
Thanks to Dane and particularly to his wife Kelly for
being so honest. If this episode was triggering for you,
please know there is help out there. Beyond blue dot org,
dot au or Lifeline one three, double one one four
are just a couple of places you can go, and
your episode will drop next week. If you like the podcast,
please hit subscribe and tell your mates want me go.
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