July 24, 2024 • 25 mins
Finding the majesty in menopause with Author of “Queen Menopause, Finding the Majesty in the Mayhem” Alison Daddo.
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to my new podcast series, Rage Against the Menopause.
Episode two has something for everyone, really, not only women,
but those with male partners and kids. Also, because perimenopause
and menopause radiates to everyone around you. If you like
me and at times really struggling with the symptoms, some days,
chances are your support network is looking for ways to
(00:25):
help and also trying to understand what's going on with
their matriarch. Miserable Magical Menopause features author Alison Daddo. You
may remember her as the eighties Aussie supermodel married to
actor Cameron Daddo, but she's also a hugely successful author
of the bestseller Queen Menopause, Finding Your Majesty in the Mayhem,
(00:46):
which touches on the impact of menopause on her marriage
and her family unit. It's really helped me and my
husband and teenage daughter. I think you'll find it useful. Also,
Alis in congratulation.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Book, Thank you so much, Thank you?
Speaker 1 (01:02):
And can I say the title? It's just an absolute triumph,
It's absolutely the title is brilliant. How did you come
up with it?
Speaker 3 (01:12):
You know?
Speaker 2 (01:13):
It jumped out at me at the very beginning, because
as I was writing the book sort of towards the end,
I just I was just like, I just want women
to feel at the end of their menopause or as
they're going through it, that they feel like a queen,
that they can somehow find the queen, and then that
they don't feel like some broken, horrible, washed up old
(01:37):
lady at the end of it. I want them to
feel so good about themselves. And there is so much mayhem,
as we all know often with perimenopause and menopause. Not everyone,
of course, but it certainly was to me. And I
had that title Queen Menopause for a while and then
I actually changed it because I mentioned it to my
(01:58):
family and my daughter. So you're saying that you're Queen Menopause.
I was like, oh crap, no, no, no, no, now
I'm not Queen Menopause. I was like, oh, I can't
have this going to haunt me, that people are thinking
that I've claimed myself as the queen. I was like, no,
I want everyone to feel like they are, and so
I changed it. I think I had miserable magical menopause
(02:21):
or something like that, but the publishing company went, nah,
it's got to be Queen menopause. So I'm glad they
talked me back into it.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Oh no, it's brilliant. Don't you love the honesty of
a daughter. They can't write to the chase.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
That's so true.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
The thing with it, Allison, I've got to say, it's
it's for me. It's been the most amazing self help book,
and I've bought it for so many of my girlfriends
in their fifties as well. It honestly, it feels like
your words right through your chapters, they're so profound, like
they struck such a chord with me and my girlfriends.
(03:01):
It really it feels like a beautiful, warm hug from
your best friend. There's so many passages in there where
I have been able to get solace. So it's it
has helped me so much, And I think what I've
gained most of all from your words is that hey,
(03:23):
you're not alone and you're not going crazy, that you
are inverted commas normal.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
Well, it became sort of multi layers. The more I wrote,
the more I sort of realized, you know, what was
sort of happening for me as well as how the
book kept evolving. But the original thought around it all
was I felt so alone. I felt like I was
on my own and didn't know what anyone else was feeling.
(03:52):
No one was talking to me about menopause or had
ever talked to me about menopause. I just thought, this
is insane, Like there's no way I could be the
only one experienced this, the fact that half the population
are women. So I just really wanted to sort of give.
(04:12):
And the more I spoke to people and spoke to
people postmenopause as well, I thought, we need to find
a way after everything that women go through physically with
their gynological system, and you know, it's like enough, like
hang on a minute. You know, we've gone that we've
dealt with as you would know from what you're saying,
(04:33):
We've dealt with the painful periods for so many years,
the pcos, the endometriosis, you know, women go women going
through labor and you know, tearing up perineums and like
just so much. And I thought, and this is what
happens when we get into this stage our life, that
this is this is how it ends. I'm like, this
is not okay. And the fact that so many women
(04:57):
were keeping silent about it because we're kind of trained too,
and I thought, and the more I found out about
women leaving the workforce because of it, relationships breaking down.
You know, that the way we view ourselves as a
woman feeling so ugly and broken and gross because we've
put on all this weight and our skins change, And
(05:19):
I thought, this is not the way we can finish
this our cycle like this, This is not okay. So
I really wanted to find is there any silver lining
in this? Is there anything that we can sort of
catch a hold of that's going to actually feel like, Okay,
we might not look forward to menopause, maybe you know,
(05:39):
hopefully we could get there eventually, but we can sort of,
you know, look at it in a way that it's
simply going to change us and hopefully change it for
the better.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
In some ways, I find it so so confusing really
sort of going into perimenopause and menopause, because on one regard,
you're feeling, you know, I feel when I turned fifty,
I felt this great sense of self and self assurance
that I hadn't sort of felt before, like, you know,
(06:14):
comfortable in my own skin and probably more confident than
I've ever been. And yet on the other hand, it
was like a jackal Hyde situation for me. And then
on the other hand, I was starting to go through
this horrible peri metopausal situation, which gives you, as a
media presenter self, you know, imposter syndrome.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
Oh look, I mean I think it was so I
just found the whole experience really confronting. It was confronting
the fact that by how my body had changed so dramatically,
the weight gain was was quite a lot for me.
How I just had no ability at some days to
(06:58):
get out of bed. But yeah, I know what you're
talking about, because but I feel like those physical changes
almost forced me into that place of you know what,
You're still alive, you're not broken, you don't have cancer,
You've got a great life for your kids and your husband.
What are you going to focus on? Like, you can't
(07:20):
just focus on the fact that you've got fat thighs
and cellulate to your ankles anymore. Like's not that. There's
so much more to life than that. And it's stripped
away a lot of that sort of self reflection in
the mirror type thing and made me just go so
much more internalized to go, Okay, look, what is it
(07:41):
that you want them? Is what it's going to make
you feel good, not like look good, but feel good
about who you are. So it really flipped that for me,
and I get caught in all the like the reflection
in the mirror, going oh boy, okay, I still look
like I'm carrying a baby at six months. Okay, I
(08:01):
still get asked at. I got asked at the other day, Yeah,
by this, by this man. He goes, oh, when did
you do? And I was like, I'm fifty three.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
Are you cool thing? How did you respond?
Speaker 2 (08:14):
I just said, well, it was the weirdest thing about
it was I was sort of under the water, kind
of like up step of my chest, and I think
he was actually flirting with me, which I have not
had a man human. It's been a long time take
back between anyone's learning with me. Because he said, I said, oh,
do you come here often? And I was like, yeah, Cepy,
(08:36):
is this your favorite beat? And I'm like, I think
something happening here that's is weird. And then I kind
of I stood have to go in and he looked
and he goes, oh, oh, when do you do? And
I said, oh, fat, and he goes, that's okay, I'm
fat too.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Oh no, what an unusual encounter.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
I was like, and then Cam was on the pat
and he came up to me ears, hey honey. I
was like, Hi, my husband. He thank you for saving me.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
Oh no, I love that. There's a chapter in the book,
Allison where you do touch on partners and how hormonal
change impacts them and how they can help support you,
which is really refreshing. There's a lot of books around
that don't touch on that subject. Obviously, you've got a
(09:25):
long marriage, You've been together a very long time. I
would say you are soul mates. How has his support
played a role in this time of life for you?
Speaker 2 (09:36):
Yeah, Look, there's been a lot of changes in our relationship,
you know, due to menopause, and I think Cam had
to be well, why not? I think I know Cam
has had to be really patient and really understanding, and
you know, there are times that it's been really frustrating
(09:57):
for him, and I've had this sort of ben explain
more about what I'm feeling and have my own patience
with his frustration. But he's been once, you know, and
I mentioned this in the book, Once we sort of
really understood more about about perimenopause and many menopause and
(10:18):
the changes I was going through that It had nothing
to actually do with him. It was the hormonal changes
in my body that was making me hot and frustrated
and angry and sad. It was like, okay, now we
can be on the same team. And that was where
it was really challenging Souse. I felt like I was
fighting him about I didn't understand, and he was he
(10:39):
couldn't understand what was going on because I didn't understand
what was going on. So there was arguments about that,
and he was trying to fix me the whole time
because he wanted me to feel better. So once we
sort of understood really what was going on chemically, hormonally, emotionally,
it was like, oh, now we get it, and now
it can sort of look it together and see how
(11:01):
we can both support me going through it.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
It was a light bulb moment. And that's why books
like yours are so pivotal. As we start talking and
opening the conversation, let's talk about menopause. I just you know,
there's so many books on conception and pregnancy that we
touched on earlier, but you know, the conversation it's not
out there open enough. Women. You know, we need to
(11:27):
have a raw, frank discussion as women as a society,
also as men supporting their wives and partners. It can't
be a dirty word any longer. The more we talk
about it, the more we educate ourselves and better outcomes,
don't you think.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
Absolutely? And as you said, we're talking about infertility. Now
we're talking about endometriosis, we're talking about you know, IVF,
and like it's something that's just it just happens, and
this is the same this is the same thing. It is,
it will happen, It's going to happen to every woman,
and whether they get symptoms or not, but it does
(12:05):
need to be normalized. And I was, I was to
see there was an article in the City Morning Herald
written by a woman saying women need to shut up
about menopause work. That was the title of the article.
And I was like, no, no, there's been too much
talk about it already. And I'm like, are you kidding me?
We've just started, we just started already. That kind of
(12:30):
that influence is coming to sort of shut women's voices down.
I was like, no, no, no, no, no, hang on, let
us speak, let us understand, let us talk with each other,
let us talk with our bosses and have some understanding
around the workplace and how it affects his air. And
you know, I was so disappointed to read that.
Speaker 1 (12:49):
Yeah, that's a common theme minopause and the workplace and
the devastating impacts that it has.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
I do shift work.
Speaker 1 (12:57):
I get up at three in the morning, but I
have and it's not ideal as a radio presenter, but
these moments where the brain fog and I've had oh
my god, Allison, where I've been on a spiel on
air and then I just completely forget what I was
talking about. Yeah, completely forget, and luckily my co hosts
can pick up and we have a bit of a
(13:18):
joke about it. But I was telling a girlfriend actually
the other day, I said, it's so humiliating, and she goes,
why is it? And I said, well, you know, I've
been in radio over thirty years. I'm meant talking is
my living. I'm meant to be good at it. And
she said, yeah, but why don't you take advantage of
the situation and admit that, hey, I've actually got brain fog?
(13:38):
And I said, because that would make me feel like
I wasn't good at my job. And she said you're crazy.
You've got this powerful position to be able to spread
the message you're doing this podcast, like, just admit brain
fucking you know. I thought she's absolutely right. It starts
with us in opening the conversation and being raw and
being honest and just telling it how it is.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
And I understand that there is unfortunately there is that
you know, and again it's referencing that article. You know,
what she did say, which I do agree with in
this sense, is that women have worked so hard as
you have. You've worked thirty years to get to the
place that you're at, and that you know, for some
women it's like I've worked that hard and I don't
(14:21):
want another reason for my male boss or male coworkers
to think, oh, she can't do her job. So I'm
not going to mention anything about metaphors. I'm just going
to stuff it down, deal with it, walk out of
the room moment when I'm having a hot flush, and
I just and even that alone just breaks my heart
that you can't just be open about that without sort
(14:43):
of some repercussions. But I understand that some women feel
like they cannot say anything about it because they've they've
fought so hard to be in the position that they're
at that they have, and you know that I would
love to see that change. I was talking to a
female surgeon and she was saying, can you imagine as
(15:04):
I'm going in on there in surgery and I am
covered head to toe, mask, hat, everything, gloves, and I
get a hot flash and I just thought, holy crap,
holy crap, like your sweat that out? Yeah, keep going
like you can't walk out of an operating room at
(15:26):
that point. You know, there's so many places where it's the.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
Challenge can I touch on a subject with my experience
that's really sort of hit me for six And I
know you do mention it in the book as well,
and that is the impact on your sex life. The
one thing that I really wasn't prepared for is the
lack of sex drive. And honestly, Allison, it's like someone's
(15:51):
just turned the tap off, and I fear that for
my poor husband. I feel like it's never going to
come back. It's honestly has been like that, like a
dramatic change, and that's really hit me for six.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Yeah, absolutely absolutely, But you know, there was also the
impacts were there was so much not only was the
you know, hormonally that was happening, but because I wasn't sleeping.
I mean, you know, lack of sleep is always going
to impact your sex drive usually I shouldn't say always,
(16:26):
but that you know, being absolutely exhausted is never going
to make you feel like you want to jump into bed.
You know you're emotional, like or I was really emotional.
That's never going to make me want to feel that way.
I was in mourning because of what was going on
with my body and what was my infertility now was
like gone. So there was all of that, and those
(16:48):
hot flushes was just like at night, those night plates.
Speaker 1 (16:52):
Were just was that really bad for you? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (16:54):
And I didn't, you know, to have another body besides
you was like, oh god. So it was going to
another bed to sort of sleep, the covers off and
the fan on and the misting down to zero, and yes,
to get some peace that way. So all of those things,
you know, are going to impact the sex drive anyway.
Let alone the fact that your estrogen and progesterones dropped
(17:17):
and you know that lovey dovey feeling has chemically been
reduced as well.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
I really think this has been probably one of, if
not the most challenging sort of periods of my life.
Even then, when you know, we went through five years
of infertility and treatment and finally getting our daughter that
that obviously was a difficult time. And when she was three,
I was diagnosed with cancer.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
Oh wow.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
But I find this is really exhausting because I think
as a woman in your fifties, I have two elderly
parents in their eighties, so you're stepping up to support them.
It's like all these outside not press probably isn't the
right word to describe it, but these other influences in
(18:05):
your life, and now I'm grappling with not feeling myself
and not being on top of everything.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know it was because the similar thing.
You know, my two parents are in their late eighties,
so dealing with their health issues with the kids, and
then you know that's that's enough on its own, but yeah,
adds like that whole other extra challenge of trying to
(18:33):
deal with what your body's going through and not really
knowing as well. That's what I found. I'm like, I
don't know, I don't know when it's going to stop, No,
when that's tomorrow.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
They don't know how far that's really frustrating, like it's
not okay. So at the end of the twelve months,
this it's just like such a great area. Everyone is different,
isn't it Like if you knew that you had a
finish line, you could cross the days off.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Yeah. Yeah, that's and that's part of the problem in
the sense of going to you know, and I really
really recommend women to go to their GPS. Find a
good GP to ad is going to understand you hormonally
and give you some help, or your natural path, whoever
you go to. But that's often the challenge that we're
(19:19):
in as well, because Okay, we're like, oh, well, my
parents are not feeling well. You know, I'm dealing with that.
It's stressful at work. I've got a teenager. You feel
that great, Well, I'm putting on this weight. It's stress
and we go this way and we carry it and
we carry it until a whit Well, now I'm really hot,
Now I can't sleep. When we need to know those
(19:41):
symptoms early enough to be able to go and seek
help early, so we're already on top of it, or
at the very least know about it even before we
even have our first perimenopausal symptoms. So we go into
perimenopause healthier, knowing more about the information, knowing what we're
looking at, what we need to do for our bodies
(20:03):
in order to prepare ourselves in some ways for what
the changes are ahead. And I don't I think so
many women I know I did. I had no clue.
I went into perimenopause very unfit and healthy, and you
know I made everything twenty times worse.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Yes, I think we're all in that same boat. And
knowledge is power, isn't it. Yeah, you know, which is
why we need to open the conversation and help one
another as a sisterhood. Mental health is a big thing.
And anxiety. I know one of my girlfriends is really
grappling with anxiety and normally a really confident, vivacious woman,
and it's just crippled her some days. She has some
(20:40):
really bad days. Anxiety is so common, isn't it? In menopause?
Speaker 2 (20:46):
That was for me the hardest symptom of all was
my mental health.
Speaker 3 (20:50):
And way, I'm sorry that took me where I just
was absolutely at a loss and days of not wanting
to interact with anyone, want to get out of bed,
felt like, you know, my kids and my.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
Husband would be better off if that if I wasn't
around anymore like things that I've never ever, ever had
had experienced in my life. And it was. It was
also in the flip side, it was that was one
of the biggest wake up calls to go, you need help.
You've actually got to really do something about this. You've
(21:27):
never had thoughts like this, So what do you need
to do now for yourself to get yourself through this,
get yourself out of this and feel better. And that's
where I you can honestly say, I've been grateful for
menopause because it's put me on this road of self
(21:47):
care and self love I have never been on in
my entire life. So that's where it's really been a
big shift and a big change for me, which I'm
grateful for.
Speaker 1 (21:58):
On the broader sort of term of of treatments and
helped to get you through that through menopause. What did
you do? Was it accupuncture or was it patches?
Speaker 2 (22:10):
Yeah? Look, I because I had always first and foremost
my my whole life, I've always on the naturopathic way
and the therapy way. So Cam and I started doing
couple therapy again just to sort of talk about what
was happening in the marriage, but that was our first
thing that really helped. I also had one on one therapy,
(22:34):
so that was sort of helping my mental health a lot.
And I went and saw I actually could go through
two doctors. I saw a GP who was a hormone specialist,
and I saw my naturopath. And she's someone who had
known me for quite a few years, so she immediately
had me on hormone balances. There's stuff in mental health
(22:57):
that's naturopathic as well. I didn't do antidepressants, but she
had me on this natural pathic stuff that was really
impactful and really helped. She was working with my a
dream or system that was absolutely shot to neck, so
she was helping impact that. And then I just started
looking at what else can I do for my mental health,
(23:19):
you know, which meant going for little walks, getting extra
hugs and watching funny movies and turning off the news.
I have to turn off the news. And you could
not watch any news that was too help you. Yep, no, no,
So it really became for the first time, you know,
like what do I need? What do I need to do?
(23:40):
Not like what do my kids need? Where's my husband need?
What are my parents need. What do I need to
do for myself first? And then I can see if
I have something left to care for other people. But
right now it's gotten me.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
You're so inspirational, Ellison's seriously helping you proactive You've been
and positive and turning what is a really daunting period
of your life into so many positives and helping so
many other women. I've got to say, I just love
your books. It's beside my bed and I will pick
it up and read sections when I'm feeling like I
(24:12):
need that support. It Really, when I say it's a
self help book, it really has been. It's been like
a lifeline to me. So thank you, so so much.
I think you're the poster girl of menopause.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
Oh, thank you, thank you. I mean just just even
you know, my intention was I thought about fourteen people
would buy my book. I no one's going to want
to read this book about menopause. But just hearing you
say that, like that's everything for me. Like to think
that that my words helped you is that like gold
(24:44):
in the bank any day. So thank you for sharing that.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
Allison Daddo, author of Queen Menopause, Finding your Majesty in
the Mayhem through Allan and Unwin. Come with me to
episode three where I acknowledge and bow at the feet
of a true menopause Trailblazer ABC presenter and editor of
the University of Melbourne's Research news website, Imagen Crump, who
(25:09):
was one of the first Ossie women in media to
bravely admit live on national TV she was having a
hot flush. It's the start of the revolution, sisters, and
it starts with us.
Welcome back to my new podcast series, Rage Against the Menopause.
Episode two has something for everyone, really, not only women,
but those with male partners and kids. Also, because perimenopause
and menopause radiates to everyone around you. If you like
me and at times really struggling with the symptoms, some days,
chances are your support network is looking for ways to
(00:25):
help and also trying to understand what's going on with
their matriarch. Miserable Magical Menopause features author Alison Daddo. You
may remember her as the eighties Aussie supermodel married to
actor Cameron Daddo, but she's also a hugely successful author
of the bestseller Queen Menopause, Finding Your Majesty in the Mayhem,
(00:46):
which touches on the impact of menopause on her marriage
and her family unit. It's really helped me and my
husband and teenage daughter. I think you'll find it useful. Also,
Alis in congratulation.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Book, Thank you so much, Thank you?
Speaker 1 (01:02):
And can I say the title? It's just an absolute triumph,
It's absolutely the title is brilliant. How did you come
up with it?
Speaker 3 (01:12):
You know?
Speaker 2 (01:13):
It jumped out at me at the very beginning, because
as I was writing the book sort of towards the end,
I just I was just like, I just want women
to feel at the end of their menopause or as
they're going through it, that they feel like a queen,
that they can somehow find the queen, and then that
they don't feel like some broken, horrible, washed up old
(01:37):
lady at the end of it. I want them to
feel so good about themselves. And there is so much mayhem,
as we all know often with perimenopause and menopause. Not everyone,
of course, but it certainly was to me. And I
had that title Queen Menopause for a while and then
I actually changed it because I mentioned it to my
(01:58):
family and my daughter. So you're saying that you're Queen Menopause.
I was like, oh crap, no, no, no, no, now
I'm not Queen Menopause. I was like, oh, I can't
have this going to haunt me, that people are thinking
that I've claimed myself as the queen. I was like, no,
I want everyone to feel like they are, and so
I changed it. I think I had miserable magical menopause
(02:21):
or something like that, but the publishing company went, nah,
it's got to be Queen menopause. So I'm glad they
talked me back into it.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Oh no, it's brilliant. Don't you love the honesty of
a daughter. They can't write to the chase.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
That's so true.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
The thing with it, Allison, I've got to say, it's
it's for me. It's been the most amazing self help book,
and I've bought it for so many of my girlfriends
in their fifties as well. It honestly, it feels like
your words right through your chapters, they're so profound, like
they struck such a chord with me and my girlfriends.
(03:01):
It really it feels like a beautiful, warm hug from
your best friend. There's so many passages in there where
I have been able to get solace. So it's it
has helped me so much, And I think what I've
gained most of all from your words is that hey,
(03:23):
you're not alone and you're not going crazy, that you
are inverted commas normal.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
Well, it became sort of multi layers. The more I wrote,
the more I sort of realized, you know, what was
sort of happening for me as well as how the
book kept evolving. But the original thought around it all
was I felt so alone. I felt like I was
on my own and didn't know what anyone else was feeling.
(03:52):
No one was talking to me about menopause or had
ever talked to me about menopause. I just thought, this
is insane, Like there's no way I could be the
only one experienced this, the fact that half the population
are women. So I just really wanted to sort of give.
(04:12):
And the more I spoke to people and spoke to
people postmenopause as well, I thought, we need to find
a way after everything that women go through physically with
their gynological system, and you know, it's like enough, like
hang on a minute. You know, we've gone that we've
dealt with as you would know from what you're saying,
(04:33):
We've dealt with the painful periods for so many years,
the pcos, the endometriosis, you know, women go women going
through labor and you know, tearing up perineums and like
just so much. And I thought, and this is what
happens when we get into this stage our life, that
this is this is how it ends. I'm like, this
is not okay. And the fact that so many women
(04:57):
were keeping silent about it because we're kind of trained too,
and I thought, and the more I found out about
women leaving the workforce because of it, relationships breaking down.
You know, that the way we view ourselves as a
woman feeling so ugly and broken and gross because we've
put on all this weight and our skins change, And
(05:19):
I thought, this is not the way we can finish
this our cycle like this, This is not okay. So
I really wanted to find is there any silver lining
in this? Is there anything that we can sort of
catch a hold of that's going to actually feel like, Okay,
we might not look forward to menopause, maybe you know,
(05:39):
hopefully we could get there eventually, but we can sort of,
you know, look at it in a way that it's
simply going to change us and hopefully change it for
the better.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
In some ways, I find it so so confusing really
sort of going into perimenopause and menopause, because on one regard,
you're feeling, you know, I feel when I turned fifty,
I felt this great sense of self and self assurance
that I hadn't sort of felt before, like, you know,
(06:14):
comfortable in my own skin and probably more confident than
I've ever been. And yet on the other hand, it
was like a jackal Hyde situation for me. And then
on the other hand, I was starting to go through
this horrible peri metopausal situation, which gives you, as a
media presenter self, you know, imposter syndrome.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
Oh look, I mean I think it was so I
just found the whole experience really confronting. It was confronting
the fact that by how my body had changed so dramatically,
the weight gain was was quite a lot for me.
How I just had no ability at some days to
(06:58):
get out of bed. But yeah, I know what you're
talking about, because but I feel like those physical changes
almost forced me into that place of you know what,
You're still alive, you're not broken, you don't have cancer,
You've got a great life for your kids and your husband.
What are you going to focus on? Like, you can't
(07:20):
just focus on the fact that you've got fat thighs
and cellulate to your ankles anymore. Like's not that. There's
so much more to life than that. And it's stripped
away a lot of that sort of self reflection in
the mirror type thing and made me just go so
much more internalized to go, Okay, look, what is it
(07:41):
that you want them? Is what it's going to make
you feel good, not like look good, but feel good
about who you are. So it really flipped that for me,
and I get caught in all the like the reflection
in the mirror, going oh boy, okay, I still look
like I'm carrying a baby at six months. Okay, I
(08:01):
still get asked at. I got asked at the other day, Yeah,
by this, by this man. He goes, oh, when did
you do? And I was like, I'm fifty three.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
Are you cool thing? How did you respond?
Speaker 2 (08:14):
I just said, well, it was the weirdest thing about
it was I was sort of under the water, kind
of like up step of my chest, and I think
he was actually flirting with me, which I have not
had a man human. It's been a long time take
back between anyone's learning with me. Because he said, I said, oh,
do you come here often? And I was like, yeah, Cepy,
(08:36):
is this your favorite beat? And I'm like, I think
something happening here that's is weird. And then I kind
of I stood have to go in and he looked
and he goes, oh, oh, when do you do? And
I said, oh, fat, and he goes, that's okay, I'm
fat too.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Oh no, what an unusual encounter.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
I was like, and then Cam was on the pat
and he came up to me ears, hey honey. I
was like, Hi, my husband. He thank you for saving me.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
Oh no, I love that. There's a chapter in the book,
Allison where you do touch on partners and how hormonal
change impacts them and how they can help support you,
which is really refreshing. There's a lot of books around
that don't touch on that subject. Obviously, you've got a
(09:25):
long marriage, You've been together a very long time. I
would say you are soul mates. How has his support
played a role in this time of life for you?
Speaker 2 (09:36):
Yeah, Look, there's been a lot of changes in our relationship,
you know, due to menopause, and I think Cam had
to be well, why not? I think I know Cam
has had to be really patient and really understanding, and
you know, there are times that it's been really frustrating
(09:57):
for him, and I've had this sort of ben explain
more about what I'm feeling and have my own patience
with his frustration. But he's been once, you know, and
I mentioned this in the book, Once we sort of
really understood more about about perimenopause and many menopause and
(10:18):
the changes I was going through that It had nothing
to actually do with him. It was the hormonal changes
in my body that was making me hot and frustrated
and angry and sad. It was like, okay, now we
can be on the same team. And that was where
it was really challenging Souse. I felt like I was
fighting him about I didn't understand, and he was he
(10:39):
couldn't understand what was going on because I didn't understand
what was going on. So there was arguments about that,
and he was trying to fix me the whole time
because he wanted me to feel better. So once we
sort of understood really what was going on chemically, hormonally, emotionally,
it was like, oh, now we get it, and now
it can sort of look it together and see how
(11:01):
we can both support me going through it.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
It was a light bulb moment. And that's why books
like yours are so pivotal. As we start talking and
opening the conversation, let's talk about menopause. I just you know,
there's so many books on conception and pregnancy that we
touched on earlier, but you know, the conversation it's not
out there open enough. Women. You know, we need to
(11:27):
have a raw, frank discussion as women as a society,
also as men supporting their wives and partners. It can't
be a dirty word any longer. The more we talk
about it, the more we educate ourselves and better outcomes,
don't you think.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
Absolutely? And as you said, we're talking about infertility. Now
we're talking about endometriosis, we're talking about you know, IVF,
and like it's something that's just it just happens, and
this is the same this is the same thing. It is,
it will happen, It's going to happen to every woman,
and whether they get symptoms or not, but it does
(12:05):
need to be normalized. And I was, I was to
see there was an article in the City Morning Herald
written by a woman saying women need to shut up
about menopause work. That was the title of the article.
And I was like, no, no, there's been too much
talk about it already. And I'm like, are you kidding me?
We've just started, we just started already. That kind of
(12:30):
that influence is coming to sort of shut women's voices down.
I was like, no, no, no, no, no, hang on, let
us speak, let us understand, let us talk with each other,
let us talk with our bosses and have some understanding
around the workplace and how it affects his air. And
you know, I was so disappointed to read that.
Speaker 1 (12:49):
Yeah, that's a common theme minopause and the workplace and
the devastating impacts that it has.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
I do shift work.
Speaker 1 (12:57):
I get up at three in the morning, but I
have and it's not ideal as a radio presenter, but
these moments where the brain fog and I've had oh
my god, Allison, where I've been on a spiel on
air and then I just completely forget what I was
talking about. Yeah, completely forget, and luckily my co hosts
can pick up and we have a bit of a
(13:18):
joke about it. But I was telling a girlfriend actually
the other day, I said, it's so humiliating, and she goes,
why is it? And I said, well, you know, I've
been in radio over thirty years. I'm meant talking is
my living. I'm meant to be good at it. And
she said, yeah, but why don't you take advantage of
the situation and admit that, hey, I've actually got brain fog?
(13:38):
And I said, because that would make me feel like
I wasn't good at my job. And she said you're crazy.
You've got this powerful position to be able to spread
the message you're doing this podcast, like, just admit brain
fucking you know. I thought she's absolutely right. It starts
with us in opening the conversation and being raw and
being honest and just telling it how it is.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
And I understand that there is unfortunately there is that
you know, and again it's referencing that article. You know,
what she did say, which I do agree with in
this sense, is that women have worked so hard as
you have. You've worked thirty years to get to the
place that you're at, and that you know, for some
women it's like I've worked that hard and I don't
(14:21):
want another reason for my male boss or male coworkers
to think, oh, she can't do her job. So I'm
not going to mention anything about metaphors. I'm just going
to stuff it down, deal with it, walk out of
the room moment when I'm having a hot flush, and
I just and even that alone just breaks my heart
that you can't just be open about that without sort
(14:43):
of some repercussions. But I understand that some women feel
like they cannot say anything about it because they've they've
fought so hard to be in the position that they're
at that they have, and you know that I would
love to see that change. I was talking to a
female surgeon and she was saying, can you imagine as
(15:04):
I'm going in on there in surgery and I am
covered head to toe, mask, hat, everything, gloves, and I
get a hot flash and I just thought, holy crap,
holy crap, like your sweat that out? Yeah, keep going
like you can't walk out of an operating room at
(15:26):
that point. You know, there's so many places where it's the.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
Challenge can I touch on a subject with my experience
that's really sort of hit me for six And I
know you do mention it in the book as well,
and that is the impact on your sex life. The
one thing that I really wasn't prepared for is the
lack of sex drive. And honestly, Allison, it's like someone's
(15:51):
just turned the tap off, and I fear that for
my poor husband. I feel like it's never going to
come back. It's honestly has been like that, like a
dramatic change, and that's really hit me for six.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Yeah, absolutely absolutely, But you know, there was also the
impacts were there was so much not only was the
you know, hormonally that was happening, but because I wasn't sleeping.
I mean, you know, lack of sleep is always going
to impact your sex drive usually I shouldn't say always,
(16:26):
but that you know, being absolutely exhausted is never going
to make you feel like you want to jump into bed.
You know you're emotional, like or I was really emotional.
That's never going to make me want to feel that way.
I was in mourning because of what was going on
with my body and what was my infertility now was
like gone. So there was all of that, and those
(16:48):
hot flushes was just like at night, those night plates.
Speaker 1 (16:52):
Were just was that really bad for you? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (16:54):
And I didn't, you know, to have another body besides
you was like, oh god. So it was going to
another bed to sort of sleep, the covers off and
the fan on and the misting down to zero, and yes,
to get some peace that way. So all of those things,
you know, are going to impact the sex drive anyway.
Let alone the fact that your estrogen and progesterones dropped
(17:17):
and you know that lovey dovey feeling has chemically been
reduced as well.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
I really think this has been probably one of, if
not the most challenging sort of periods of my life.
Even then, when you know, we went through five years
of infertility and treatment and finally getting our daughter that
that obviously was a difficult time. And when she was three,
I was diagnosed with cancer.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
Oh wow.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
But I find this is really exhausting because I think
as a woman in your fifties, I have two elderly
parents in their eighties, so you're stepping up to support them.
It's like all these outside not press probably isn't the
right word to describe it, but these other influences in
(18:05):
your life, and now I'm grappling with not feeling myself
and not being on top of everything.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know it was because the similar thing.
You know, my two parents are in their late eighties,
so dealing with their health issues with the kids, and
then you know that's that's enough on its own, but yeah,
adds like that whole other extra challenge of trying to
(18:33):
deal with what your body's going through and not really
knowing as well. That's what I found. I'm like, I
don't know, I don't know when it's going to stop, No,
when that's tomorrow.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
They don't know how far that's really frustrating, like it's
not okay. So at the end of the twelve months,
this it's just like such a great area. Everyone is different,
isn't it Like if you knew that you had a
finish line, you could cross the days off.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Yeah. Yeah, that's and that's part of the problem in
the sense of going to you know, and I really
really recommend women to go to their GPS. Find a
good GP to ad is going to understand you hormonally
and give you some help, or your natural path, whoever
you go to. But that's often the challenge that we're
(19:19):
in as well, because Okay, we're like, oh, well, my
parents are not feeling well. You know, I'm dealing with that.
It's stressful at work. I've got a teenager. You feel
that great, Well, I'm putting on this weight. It's stress
and we go this way and we carry it and
we carry it until a whit Well, now I'm really hot,
Now I can't sleep. When we need to know those
(19:41):
symptoms early enough to be able to go and seek
help early, so we're already on top of it, or
at the very least know about it even before we
even have our first perimenopausal symptoms. So we go into
perimenopause healthier, knowing more about the information, knowing what we're
looking at, what we need to do for our bodies
(20:03):
in order to prepare ourselves in some ways for what
the changes are ahead. And I don't I think so
many women I know I did. I had no clue.
I went into perimenopause very unfit and healthy, and you
know I made everything twenty times worse.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Yes, I think we're all in that same boat. And
knowledge is power, isn't it. Yeah, you know, which is
why we need to open the conversation and help one
another as a sisterhood. Mental health is a big thing.
And anxiety. I know one of my girlfriends is really
grappling with anxiety and normally a really confident, vivacious woman,
and it's just crippled her some days. She has some
(20:40):
really bad days. Anxiety is so common, isn't it? In menopause?
Speaker 2 (20:46):
That was for me the hardest symptom of all was
my mental health.
Speaker 3 (20:50):
And way, I'm sorry that took me where I just
was absolutely at a loss and days of not wanting
to interact with anyone, want to get out of bed,
felt like, you know, my kids and my.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
Husband would be better off if that if I wasn't
around anymore like things that I've never ever, ever had
had experienced in my life. And it was. It was
also in the flip side, it was that was one
of the biggest wake up calls to go, you need help.
You've actually got to really do something about this. You've
(21:27):
never had thoughts like this, So what do you need
to do now for yourself to get yourself through this,
get yourself out of this and feel better. And that's
where I you can honestly say, I've been grateful for
menopause because it's put me on this road of self
(21:47):
care and self love I have never been on in
my entire life. So that's where it's really been a
big shift and a big change for me, which I'm
grateful for.
Speaker 1 (21:58):
On the broader sort of term of of treatments and
helped to get you through that through menopause. What did
you do? Was it accupuncture or was it patches?
Speaker 2 (22:10):
Yeah? Look, I because I had always first and foremost
my my whole life, I've always on the naturopathic way
and the therapy way. So Cam and I started doing
couple therapy again just to sort of talk about what
was happening in the marriage, but that was our first
thing that really helped. I also had one on one therapy,
(22:34):
so that was sort of helping my mental health a lot.
And I went and saw I actually could go through
two doctors. I saw a GP who was a hormone specialist,
and I saw my naturopath. And she's someone who had
known me for quite a few years, so she immediately
had me on hormone balances. There's stuff in mental health
(22:57):
that's naturopathic as well. I didn't do antidepressants, but she
had me on this natural pathic stuff that was really
impactful and really helped. She was working with my a
dream or system that was absolutely shot to neck, so
she was helping impact that. And then I just started
looking at what else can I do for my mental health,
(23:19):
you know, which meant going for little walks, getting extra
hugs and watching funny movies and turning off the news.
I have to turn off the news. And you could
not watch any news that was too help you. Yep, no, no,
So it really became for the first time, you know,
like what do I need? What do I need to do?
(23:40):
Not like what do my kids need? Where's my husband need?
What are my parents need. What do I need to
do for myself first? And then I can see if
I have something left to care for other people. But
right now it's gotten me.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
You're so inspirational, Ellison's seriously helping you proactive You've been
and positive and turning what is a really daunting period
of your life into so many positives and helping so
many other women. I've got to say, I just love
your books. It's beside my bed and I will pick
it up and read sections when I'm feeling like I
(24:12):
need that support. It Really, when I say it's a
self help book, it really has been. It's been like
a lifeline to me. So thank you, so so much.
I think you're the poster girl of menopause.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
Oh, thank you, thank you. I mean just just even
you know, my intention was I thought about fourteen people
would buy my book. I no one's going to want
to read this book about menopause. But just hearing you
say that, like that's everything for me. Like to think
that that my words helped you is that like gold
(24:44):
in the bank any day. So thank you for sharing that.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
Allison Daddo, author of Queen Menopause, Finding your Majesty in
the Mayhem through Allan and Unwin. Come with me to
episode three where I acknowledge and bow at the feet
of a true menopause Trailblazer ABC presenter and editor of
the University of Melbourne's Research news website, Imagen Crump, who
(25:09):
was one of the first Ossie women in media to
bravely admit live on national TV she was having a
hot flush. It's the start of the revolution, sisters, and
it starts with us.
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