October 13, 2024 • 43 mins
We're chatting with a Money Diarist who was completely blindsided when her husband announced he was leaving just months after they relocated to a new state. With a divorce looming and joint finances tied up, she’s been left to figure out how to support herself and her two children after spending years out of full-time work. But here’s the thing, she’s not backing down. Despite the heartbreak, she’s determined to rebuild and create a stable future for her family. Join us as she shares her story of resilience, strength, and life after divorce.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, my name's Santasha Nabananga Bamblet. I'm a proud Order
Order Kerni Whoaltbury and a waddery woman. And before we
get started on She's on the Money podcast, I would
like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land of
which this podcast is recorded on a wondery country, acknowledging
the elders, the ancestors and the next generation coming through
(00:23):
as this podcast is about connecting, empowering, knowledge sharing and
the storytelling of you to make a difference for today
and lasting impact for tomorrow.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Let's get into it.
Speaker 3 (00:34):
She's on the Money, She's on the Money.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
Hello, and welcome to She's on the Money the podcast
some millennials who want financial freedom. Welcome back to another
one of our money jaries where I get the absolute
pleasure of sitting down with one of our She's on
the Money community members and talking to them all about
their money story. Let's jump straight into it, because this
week I got a message and it sounded like this, Hi,
She's on the Money. I'm a thirty five year old
(01:18):
mom of two with a story that serves as a
cautionary tale for all women. Three months ago, after relocating
to a news date with my husband. He blindsided me
with the news that he was leaving. I absolutely had
no idea it was coming. He's the tough part. We
had joint money. He earns three times what I do,
and I have spent the last nine years out of
(01:40):
full time work raising our kids. Now I'm having to
pick myself up and reassess everything to start fresh and
give my kids the life they deserve. Money, Diarist, that
just feels like trash.
Speaker 4 (01:52):
That's one word for it, that's for sure.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
It's a bit more of a complimentary word I feel.
Speaker 4 (01:56):
Yeah, yeah, I've had some other words for sure that
have had less letters that.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (02:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
All right, Well let's start the way I always start, money, Darist.
I'd love to know what grade would you give your
money habits from A through to F.
Speaker 4 (02:08):
I am like a D, maybe even a D minus.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
I feel like you're not. But also we'll chat about it. Okay,
all right, I need to know my favorite question. Can
you tell me more about your money story. Let's go back.
Speaker 4 (02:23):
So I was raised in a regional town. I had
two working parents. We would just what I would say
was just like standard Australian middle class. You know, like
nothing was extravagant. My parents worked in their jobs for
like thirty years to put a roof over our heads,
and you know, we had a holiday every couple of
years and that was it. That was it was good life.
(02:44):
You know. My parents didn't really talk much about money, though.
I often say, like, we can probably get into this
a little bit later, and we talk about some of
the other things I'm working on. But I always say
my dad is very traditional country. He you know, don't
talk about sex, drugs, politics, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
Not exactly horible. I'm from Tasmania, I get it. Yeah,
he's very taboo. Yeah, that's disgusting. You will never talk
about that, let alone at the dinner table.
Speaker 4 (03:09):
Exactly. So I went to UNI, came out of UNI,
and not long after, when I was twenty two, just
graduated UNI, I met a cute boy.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
We love this, No we don't.
Speaker 4 (03:24):
We doesn't end well.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
I like com eating cuteboy.
Speaker 4 (03:27):
And anyway, we got together. He was eight years older
than me. I was only twenty two and he was thirty.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
I think that's going downhill real quick.
Speaker 4 (03:35):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, And it's only in hindsight, you know,
hindsight is twenty twenty that I can see that. I'm like, oh, well,
I was a thirty year old dating a twenty two
year old. Oh we know, we know well well because
I was young and easily manipulated exactly, and so from
that point on he was already much further along in
his career. He always earned like triple what I. I
(03:57):
came out of Union on a very low paying job,
and we essentially ended up joining not living together pretty
quickly after we got together, and then I got married
very young. I had my first child when I was
twenty seven, which is definitely younger than I would have
planned that, but again he was eight years older than me,
so he was ready for that, and I thought we'd
(04:17):
committed to this life together, yeah, one hundred percent. And
so had my first child. Or supposed to go back
to my job that I really loved, but do it
in like a part time capacity, And when my daughter
was about six months old, I got an email saying, like,
your job still exists, but it's the job that you
had before, and it was full time in the city,
lots of travel. I didn't have family around where I
(04:40):
was at the time, and so I had to make
the decision to not go back to that job. I
mean this was only like nine years ago, but part
time work just was not as much of a thing
as it was then, and definitely flexible work.
Speaker 2 (04:50):
Yeah, I feel like flexible work has really served recently
where people are realizing I think after COVID with all
of the work from home and like the work flexibly arrangements,
like it's definitely searched. But yeah, nine years ago, getting
a part time role was kind of like the golden goose.
Speaker 4 (05:05):
Exactly, and especially in the kind of industry. And then
so I turned in and did some freelance work, which
I mean, look at how its pros and cons. I
think if anytime you want to start a business or
start being a sole trader, you want to do it
because you've decided I'm ready for this, and I'm prep
for this. And whereas I had to kind of do
it as a necessity, so I didn't know how much
to charge. I didn't know, you know, like a lot
(05:26):
of my old workplaces became my client, so that kind
of made it a bit easier. And I continued on
doing that all the way through for another three years
till I had my son, and then when he was younger,
I went back to work, but I basically just worked
part time in jobs that I would say below my capabilities.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
That's the journey, right like, And I'm not saying it's
okay that it's like the small steps that you make
for your family that are sacrifices that you go, that's okay,
we'll sort that out. That's okay, we'll sort that out.
And then you fast forward and realize that all of
those time, any little steps that you thought you were
making that were in the best interest at the time
were actually not in your best interests exactly.
Speaker 4 (06:07):
Because I was thinking of us and I wasn't thinking
of me. And now, like I said, it is a
cautionary tale, it's bitten me in the bum. I had
no separate money from him. I always felt sort of
at the mercy of that he we're both terrible with money,
and I am open to admitting that, but he kind
(06:30):
of isn't. And we got a financial advisor a few
years ago, and I was very open about that, you know,
we're terrible with money. Help us, you know, And one
of the suggestions he had was, look, I can basically
take control of your money and give you guys essentially
like an allowance each week, and I'm like, great, yep,
that's the level of oversight we need. My husband didn't
like that. I think it's a bit of an ego
(06:51):
thing maybe for a man, a control thing for sure,
because you know, he would get a new hobby every
couple of months and just go and spend Like why
and I are people this well because they haven't been
to therapy and dealt with the root cause of what's
going on.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Oh ah yeah, yeah, that makes a lot more sense now.
Speaker 4 (07:09):
Yeah, yeah, because why do that when you can just
fill the void with buying new things? Oh you know?
Speaker 2 (07:15):
Actually, yeah, like why I spend money on therapy? That ah?
So smart, so smart, so smart. So what happened after that?
Speaker 4 (07:23):
So we moved recently, we did a big move into
state move.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
The audad sorry, like I don't know enough about this situation,
but the audacity on that man to let you move
states and then go by the way not feeling this. Oh,
also to.
Speaker 4 (07:36):
Move away from family that was in my other city.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
Moving from home to somewhere else, you're probably thinking new life. Great,
We've got these great opportunities as a family. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (07:48):
So oh mate, Like the week before he sat down
and told me this on a random Thursday night. I
was literally drinking a cup of tea on the couch
and he sat down and said, I can't do this anymore.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
Sorry, what so you can't do what me during because
that's currently where we're at.
Speaker 4 (08:02):
Exactly, like that is our life stage to deal with it.
And the week before that we had met with our
financial advisor to talk about buying a property here. No,
you know, And now he wants to turn around and say,
you should have known you can't act.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
What do you mean I should have known you're literally
talking with a financial advisor about another commitment together.
Speaker 4 (08:23):
And this is the thing, right And I know it's
so cliche for a woman to say in twenty twenty four,
but he's a legitimate narcissist, Like I have learned this.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
Now And I'm like, yeah, but you don't know at
the time.
Speaker 4 (08:32):
No, And you don't want to see that at the time.
And I get it. Like people have said, to me,
was he like this the whole time? And I'm like,
I guess in a way, he was, But I just
I wanted to excuse it because this is the man
who was the father of my children. I wanted to
make it work. I wanted to have that family. So anyway,
so we moved to where we are now at the
start of the year, and about three months after, yeah,
(08:52):
he told me he was out. I was still on
probation at a new job.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
And that just like that mental load, that like not
even taking into consideration the fact that you didn't see
a divorce coming, like just oh, that would have flipped
the narrative. So what happened?
Speaker 4 (09:10):
I mean I just had to turn around and deal
with it, like I was literally living.
Speaker 2 (09:15):
Did he give a reason? Obviously, he was like you
should have seen this coming.
Speaker 4 (09:18):
No, really, just this isn't working exactly, there's not really
a reason.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
Looks from your perspective, was it working?
Speaker 4 (09:25):
I mean, it wasn't the best, But I also just
thought that was the season of life.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
Yeah, like we have young kids, Like stuff's just stuffing.
Speaker 4 (09:33):
Yeah, And like I've just watched so many you know,
my mom and dad and aunts and uncles and things
like that. I've seen marriages have ebbs and flows, and
like there was nothing so so terrible in it that
I would have ever considered walking away, you know, like
it just wasn't like and so I genuinely believe he's
having a midlife crisis and he had to run away
from something.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Okay, you're not twenty two anymore, and I was twenty
two that kind of midlife crisis, Yeah, I think so.
Speaker 4 (09:59):
And just I've lost control. Like so, we had also
bought a property in the other city that we were
in and when we were selling that for a loss
just because the timing was bad, and again, like we're
just not super financially true, which is why I've become
obsessed with you guys.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
Welcome to the community. We are actually so stoked to
have you here.
Speaker 4 (10:19):
It's been amazing. Yeah, And so I think it's no
surprise that the week we found out we were going
to make a loss on that sale is the week
he decided he was out. You know. I think there's
a whole bunch.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
Of how do we tell him that that's not what's
going to solve the problem. But that's okay, you do
you too?
Speaker 4 (10:34):
Yeah, So I was still on probation. My job. I'm
just living through this like trauma and shock and trying
to be the best mom I can to my kids.
And they're living through it and I'm having to comfort
them through it, and I mean, it's literally been the
worst few months of my life. But it definitely builds resilience,
you know.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
We are oh my god, yeah, like I mean, yes,
it does. But it wasn't consensual resilience Like I didn't.
I didn't go wake up and say I want to
be more resilient, like you were forced into it. So
tell me. You get told that your husband isn't in
anymore on a random Thursday night while you're drinking a
cup of tea. What happens then?
Speaker 4 (11:12):
So then he tells me I was obviously shocked, heartbroken,
begging him to stay, and he said, you know, it's
not a nail in the coffin. There's things that we
can work on, but I just need to get out.
I was like, okay, you know. So it means that
within a week he had moved out of our family home.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
He within it.
Speaker 4 (11:34):
This week, he found a furnished rental that he moved to,
and then my kids had to start adapting to coming
and going from his place. Yeah. So I tried to
talk to him about it. He didn't want to talk.
So I was like, okay, I'll give him time. And
in that eight weeks I went I was like right,
(11:54):
I can work on myself in this time. So I went,
I got.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
You're a queen, You're an iconon You're who. I hope
that everyone going through a situation like this use is
like I'm going to work on myself. Like what iconic behavior?
Speaker 4 (12:09):
Well, it's just when you have no choice, right.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
One hundred percent. But so many people also bury their
heads and go we'll talk about it at some point,
like true. Just don't get me wrong, Like I feel
like you and I know that you didn't have a choice,
like this is what's happening, But you also have a
choice on your mindset. You also have a choice on
how you work on yourself, and those choices are going
to serve you very.
Speaker 4 (12:30):
Well, exactly. So I got myself on anti anxiety medication
because I was like, okay, maybe that's impact in the relationship.
I started doing cognitive behavioral therapy because I, like many
other thirty five year old women and a late diagnosed ADHDR.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Welcome to the club.
Speaker 4 (12:46):
Which, by the way, when I heard you refer to
that as neurospicy, I laughed out loud. I thought it
was the best thing I've ever heard. I was like, yes,
let's just normally.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
Framing it like we are all a little bit neurospicy,
and it's.
Speaker 4 (12:58):
Just it's no different to like me have a double
jointed thumb like whatever.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
Which we do because we are You're very divergent, and
those two things go together.
Speaker 4 (13:08):
I actually also did a six week hypnotherapy Who are you?
Speaker 2 (13:12):
You are a self help queen?
Speaker 4 (13:13):
Yeah? Well, I just thought, let's get to the subconscious
level of like my lack of self worth and my
insecurities and stuff, and let's go real deep on that.
My view on it was, at least I know I
have done everything I can to save this relationship. If
he still doesn't want it, well, then none of this
stuff is.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
That's actually not my problem.
Speaker 4 (13:34):
Exactly, And I've then put myself in the best possible position.
So after about eight weeks, I asked him to come
and talk and he was like, yeah, no, I'm out.
So that's that. Deal with it and have fun.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Was the CBT, What helped you discover that your husband
was actually an arcist?
Speaker 4 (13:52):
Well that, let's be honest.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
Instagram Yeah, yeah, yeah, one hundred percent, Like that's a
form of therapy.
Speaker 4 (13:58):
My algorithm these days is I was just like, how
to spot a narcissist, and like, how.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
To Sometimes I feel like, yeah, algorithm, really, algorithm's too hard,
and you're like, yeah, have you been listening, Like no,
how did you know?
Speaker 4 (14:11):
I know? I know? So yeah, So that's kind of
where we are now. I decided to take a bit
of control of it. I got a lawyer, which not
cheap obviously, and got myself with as much info as
I could. I actually spoke to a really amazing lawyer
and she was like, look, there's all these different ways
to do this. The best way to do it, if
you guys are amicable enough, is to do it through mediation,
(14:32):
so you're not having lawyers represent you, so you're not
like waste that money.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
And I was so nice of you to say that, Yeah,
thank you. Also an iconic queen.
Speaker 4 (14:40):
Yeah, and she was just like, I'm the one who
does these invoices of these clients, and I invoice them
for like thirty grand and I just think to myself,
that's money that could have gone towards the depozard or
the kids. And I'm like, you know, so we did that.
A couple of weeks ago. We did the mediation, which
is like a one day thing to deal with property
and family also. So in the meantime, had quite a
(15:01):
few meetings with my financial advisor. He has been amazing
helping me with negotiations and stuff, and so I came
out of that pretty well. I went in probably over prepared,
but I think that's a better way to be, and
he went in completely underprepared.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
So that's very media commit aged white man behavior exactly.
Speaker 4 (15:19):
So why should I prepare for this? You know the
world will work for me.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
Okay, Well that's interesting. I feel like you are killing
it and it reminds me of that quote sometimes something
you lose is not a loss, and like that is
so true, Like you feel like you're losing something, but
you're not. It's not a loss. And that just right
now is like what you're going through. I think in
a couple of years you'll be like, oh my god,
(15:43):
I'm so glad he did that.
Speaker 4 (15:45):
I know, and I do feel like I'm starting to
see that now. I feel like I do feel like
in the end, I will look back and be glad
this happened, because you know, I am thirty five years old,
I've got my whole life ahead of me. I've just
put the gas pedal back down my career. My kids
are both in school, so like, let's.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
Go cheers to him for not doing it while you
had two tiny, tiny children who weren't in school. Like, yeah,
that's I mean, very considerate of him.
Speaker 4 (16:14):
I'm not a great man.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
Oh one out of ten cannot recommend. These are the
moments where you realize that, like, being straight is actually
not a choice.
Speaker 4 (16:23):
No, no, I look, I am open to any and
all possibilities. Now I will.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
So I want to know, let's get into some nitty
gritty questions. So I'm sure it will come back up.
But now that you are getting back into your career,
what do you do for it? How much money do
you earn?
Speaker 4 (16:38):
So I'm a communications manager. I am on one hundred
and three per year plus super.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
Oh how good is that? I mean at the moment,
you're probably like, oh, everything's so expensive, But like that
is a great career trajectory. Yeah, and I feel like
there's a lot of room for growth, which is awesome.
Where like, and this is probably not a question that's
get kind questioned to us, but that where do you
think you would have been had you not, you know,
put the brakes on your career back when you were
(17:07):
making sacrifices so that he could earn three times more
than you. Well, I know exactly where I would be
because this is part of the research I did with
going into my mediation.
Speaker 4 (17:16):
So my best friend and I graduated from the same
degree at the same time. She's just recently had her
first child, which, by the way, having kids in your
thirties is a way better idea for so many reasons.
Speaker 2 (17:27):
But anyway, when I'm still not getting sleep and I'm
really tired, and you get to climb into your bed
and no toddler is going to be in the middle,
You'll be saying.
Speaker 4 (17:35):
Ha, try having an eight year old and a five
year old in bed every night.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
It's that's right, you know what. I feel like, you're
living my dream.
Speaker 4 (17:43):
So she had an amazing stuff with her career, Like
not to take anything away from her, like she's brilliant
what she does, but we had very similar you know,
I would say, work ethics and all that kind of stuff.
She is currently on two hundred and ten. Yeah, okay,
you know, so that's the sacrifice I made in terms
of being the one at home raising the children. And
(18:04):
when I said that to him, he said, well, I
didn't ask you to do that.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
I'm gonna literally bunch you in the face, so weird.
My hand just slipped and fell into your nose.
Speaker 4 (18:13):
Oh the milk coming out of your boobies wasn't that good?
And your two days of paternity leave would not have
gotten us very far.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
Oh, that's so weird that we had kids when it
suited you and I was twenty seven and didn't think
it was going to work, but we did so obviously,
that is actually a fantastic benchmark to have. And having
these money conversations with your friend really empowered you to
have a successful mediation, right, So, like what were those conversations?
(18:40):
Like did you sit down with your friend and go hey, cool,
like you are basically like we split off. It's like
the superannuation ad where they're going up the escalators and
that's really powerful. But like, what was that conversation like
with your friend? Were you like, can you just tell
me what you earn? Was she open to that? Like
what did that look like?
Speaker 4 (18:56):
Yeah? So she's obviously been there for me during this
whole massive life change and she knew that I was
going to mediation and I literally just ragged her and
I was like, hey, can you, like, we all as
women need to get better at talking about money and
talking about this stuff. Can you tell me what you've
earned in your last like three or four jobs. And
she's like, yep, when I was at this job, I
earned this, when I was at this, iland at this,
(19:17):
when I was at this, ironed this and I love that.
And she's very similarly minded to me in terms of
like we need to change this narrative for women, especially,
like let's not be like weird about money or weird
about sex or whatever, like let's just normalize everything. And
so she was fully just like, yep, anything else you
need to know, you let me know.
Speaker 2 (19:34):
I can send you a pay slip for an example.
I love her, So tell me how that played into mediation,
Like what was that conversation? Like, I obviously thankfully haven't
been through this process, but I know that it can
be quite fick. Or is that something that you've said, well,
actually i'd be here.
Speaker 4 (19:50):
Yep, So I said I would be there, and I
said to make up for that, I believe I deserve
X amount. Unfortunately, because we are both bad with money,
we didn't really have much of a property pool to split,
so I negotiated really hard for a good monthly payment
because in Australia, unfortunately, this is another thing they don't
(20:12):
teach you. They don't give you alimony, so you have
to do it as child support. So that's what I
negotiated for. So I negotiated for four thousand dollars a
month from him, which I think for me puts me
in a much better position in terms of lending capabilities
and things like that. So I went in really armed
with all that information. I also went in armed with
(20:33):
what he isn't over that time. What you know, when
they'd break down those calculations of how much a woman
like it's not just the amount of time that you
spent out of the workforce, it's also the slower career progression.
Because in the time that I was home with the kids,
he progressed really rapidly in his career because he had
the time and space to do that.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
It's almost like he had someone supporting him at home
to do that. That's very strange. He didn't know that though,
So that is a super powerful position to be in.
You manage to get a good amount of child support.
But obviously, like when I do the maths on that
that actually gets you to being on par or close
(21:12):
to what your friend earns, but that then puts you
in the basket of being a single parent exactly. So like, yes,
you're kind of getting that, but like that child support,
according to Australian government regulation is meant to go towards
the kids, not necessarily towards your income. So now you're
on par What type of custody arrangements exists? Like is
(21:34):
it fifty to fifty? Are they with you?
Speaker 1 (21:35):
Like?
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Has he just decided not only am I walking away
from my marriage, I've had a midlife crisis. I want
to be a single male? Like what does that look like?
Speaker 4 (21:43):
To be honest, in a way, I wish he had
have done that. That would have made things easier, but
instead he has turned around and insisted on having them.
So I refuse to do fifty to fifty because they
are incredibly bonded to me.
Speaker 2 (21:58):
Absolutely not, they're too little exactly.
Speaker 4 (22:01):
Oh, he turned around and told me that they don't
need a primary parent.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
Oh okay, that's so strange.
Speaker 4 (22:07):
Our youngest is five years old.
Speaker 2 (22:09):
No no, no, no, no, no, you're the one that
chose this. So I'm going to give them a stable
home and you can go do your midlife crisis stuff.
You're not coming back, but like, go have fun.
Speaker 4 (22:21):
So currently it's about a sixty forty split. It's not perfect.
There is a bit of doing and throwing, and that's
just because I have certain days that I have to
be in the office, which means I leave. Of course,
I'm early, so they stay with him those nights. So
that's two nights a week. So that's what it was originally,
and then once he'd moved out, then he started insisting
I want them every second weekend as well, and I'm like, well.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
You can't have your cake and eat it too, sir,
you know.
Speaker 4 (22:44):
But then it's really hard because you don't want to
be the parent who keeps their children from their other parent.
But for me, it does still feel like I am
the primary parent because every second week I have them
five nights in a row, and they are never with
him longer than two nights. Like my daughter especially, she's like,
I don't want to be there any longer than two nights,
and I'm like, that's great, that's fine. So I definitely
(23:07):
still feel like the primary parent, which is really good.
So yeah, they do still see him and I think
like I will forever bite my tongue and I will
never say anything bad about him to them because it
just doesn't serve anyone anything.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
That's iconic mum behavior that is so hard to do.
Like I thankfully I haven't done or been in that situation,
but you just know that that is such a powerful
piece that they're going to go into adulthood going hold on,
Like kids look back right, Like I've got friends and
family members who have been through that situation, and by
(23:40):
the time they're eighteen twenty, they look back and go,
hold on, the math isn't mathing far out. Mum's a
good egg. Like That's exactly what's going to happen.
Speaker 4 (23:48):
And that's what I want them to see, you know,
Like I'm very aware that this is like the hardest
period of my life. But what I want my kids
to see is yet dad up and left, but Mum
turned around and she killed it in her career and
she did all these great things. And that's kind of
what I want them to take from this. And I
want them to make up their own decision about him.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
They will, Yeah, kids aren't silly.
Speaker 4 (24:11):
No, my daughter especially, she's already figuring it. Out she's
a bit of.
Speaker 2 (24:15):
A she's too emotionally intelligent for our own good at
this point, which is really sweet. But also you're just like,
I wish you weren't as smart as you are.
Speaker 4 (24:24):
Yeah, and I just I wish you weren't going through this.
I wish I'd picked a better person. Sorry, babe, No.
Speaker 2 (24:30):
You did the best that you could and you got her,
So like that's a perfect outcome. So talk to me.
You've just gone through all this, what are your current
big money goals? What are you working towards.
Speaker 4 (24:40):
My biggest money goal, The biggest thing I want in
life is just to buy a home. So when we
moved here, we moved quite quickly and we wanted to
do that to get to where we were going before
the start of the school year for our kids. And
so we were renting because we're also selling the property
that we bought in our last city. So we're renting,
so have to move out of this rentals and moving back.
(25:02):
But that's a whole separate drama to deal with. Ah.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
Of course, when it rains, it pause.
Speaker 4 (25:08):
Literally it's like every day there's something new. So I
want more than anything to just buy a home for
my babies. I just want stability, and I want predictability,
and I just want to be able to have control
of my finances and to be able to take them
on holidays. I want them to experience different cultures and
see the world, and to be honest, those are my
two main money goals. Is just a lovely house for
(25:31):
my kids, an article home, and to expose them to
the world and to travel. So my like, I get it.
I'm incredibly fortunate that my parents, when this happened, they
insisted on, you know, helping me to try to buy
a home. Of course, at first, I was like, nope,
per absolutely not.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
I'm going to do this. I'm a strong independent woman.
Speaker 4 (25:51):
Yeah, And I was just like, I need no, man,
They've worked so hard for so long. I don't want
them to then have to turn around and be my
parents again, you know. I want them to actually enjoy
being grandparents. But they were sort of like, well, everything
we've got just goes to you and your sister anyway,
so you may as well have it now than when
we kick the bucket. And so I was like, well, I.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
Guess oh, and they can probably feel like they're really
helping you and their grandkids like, I get that, but
also they're like, I don't know. Now I'm a mom
as well. I feel like if Harvey ever went through anything,
I'd be like, no, no, no, I'll fix it, like and
like you have kids, you would bend over backwards, so
(26:28):
you kin'd of get it. And I mean, of course
it's a privilege, but like, I think the powerful thing
here is we're talking about it and the different outcomes
and what that looks like. And that thing is often
a fair bit of guilt when you even have this
privilege and this access. So what does that look like?
Have you started talking to mortgage brokers? Have you started,
you know, that process of understanding what it could look like?
Speaker 4 (26:49):
Yeah, so started down that path. A lot of it
was dependent on the outcome of the mediation.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
Yeah, of course, because it would depend on then what
payments you're getting, which would play into how much you
can borrow.
Speaker 4 (27:00):
Yeah, so I have had my financial advice. So they've
got some mortgage brokers at work in their company and
they've sort of run some numbers for me, which is awesome.
But this is where it comes back into it with
my dad, where you know, don't talk about sex, drugs, politics,
religion or money. It's kind of like, Dad, I'm so
grateful that your mom are going to help, but like,
what does that look like in dollar terms? He's just like, oh, well,
(27:23):
would you just find a house and then we'll tell
you if we can do that or not. And I'm like,
it's not really how it works.
Speaker 2 (27:29):
That then sets unrealistic expectations and it's really uncomfortable.
Speaker 4 (27:33):
Yeah, and look, he hasn't He's only ever been in
a regional area. It's like, no one a bloke who
knows a bloke, And so I don't think they quite
get how like the market and stuff works these days.
Speaker 2 (27:44):
But yeah, it doesn't cost twenty thousand dollars to buy
a house any more, Dad.
Speaker 4 (27:48):
No.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
Yeah, so like it might actually not be feasible.
Speaker 4 (27:51):
Yes, so let's figure out what is feasible. So they
have a financial advisor themselves, So I've said, can I
sit in on a meeting with her and we can talk,
because the first thing I want to talk to their
financial advisor about is to say, I just want to
make sure I'm not in any way going to be
negatively impacting their life, you know, So you tell me,
as their financial advisor, what are you going to tell
(28:13):
them not to do? And what are you going to
tell them is actually like a.
Speaker 2 (28:16):
Good thing to do and that's really thoughtful.
Speaker 4 (28:18):
Yeah, and then the second thing will be, okay, like
what are we talking about in terms of dollar figures?
So that's kind of where we are right now. I
should have that meeting next week, and then I'll meet
with my financial advisor. Because the banks want to see
like three to six months of the child'sport payments coming through,
I'll need to wait a little bit. My huge, massive
goal is I would love to be in the new
(28:39):
house by the time the kids start the twenty twenty
five school year.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
I'm sure it can happen. We're manifesting this.
Speaker 4 (28:44):
My friend taught me how to manifest under the full moon,
so I did that.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
Okay, good, I love this.
Speaker 4 (28:49):
I mean, what have we got to lose at this point?
Speaker 2 (28:50):
Literally? Nothing? Literally nothing like not one thing. All right,
let's go to a really quick break and on the
flip side, I want to talk about investments and debt
and best and worst money habit, So don't go anywhere
money direst We are back. I'm gonna talk investments, but
I actually want to step a little bit back. When
(29:11):
you're in mediation, did you talk about superannuation? Did you
negotiate for any what did that look like?
Speaker 4 (29:17):
Yes? We did. This was again where he came in
very unprepared.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
Get it, queen, I love this so much. I'm like deserved, deserved.
Speaker 4 (29:25):
Yeah, well, I mean yeah, if you understood how like
Beta I had been in my relationship, you would be like,
who is this person? Like, I'm just like, let's take
control of our life now.
Speaker 2 (29:34):
Oh no, he was shocked too. That's what we want.
We want to blindside him.
Speaker 4 (29:39):
Yeah, So when the subject of super was brought up,
he was kind of like, what why do you get
my super? Ah?
Speaker 2 (29:45):
I love this so much, and you were like, well, actually,
here is the research.
Speaker 4 (29:49):
Here is the reason why. Well and I didn't even
have to say it. The mediator said it, which was
even better, and I was like, you know, I took
nine years out of full time work, my earning capacity,
my earning potential, blah blah blah. And then he's like, yeah,
but I'm years older, so I'm closer to retirement than you.
And it was like, irrelevant.
Speaker 2 (30:04):
We had eight years more to think about this terrible decision,
didn't you also.
Speaker 4 (30:07):
And as the mediator pointed out, but you also still
earn triple what she earns.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
I love this mediator, this mediator we know in the background.
This mediator was like money, darist, I'm on your team.
Speaker 4 (30:17):
Well he was recommended by my lawyer for that reason.
Speaker 2 (30:20):
Iconic.
Speaker 4 (30:21):
Yeah. And so in the end, part of my negotiating
was I negotiated for a higher figure for the monthly
payment and said I want fifty percent of your super
and he was like, absolutely not to both. And I
was like, okay, fine, what about an equalization of super.
He was like, what does that even mean. I was like,
silly boy, it means we joined them together and then
we split them in half. And he was like, okay, fine,
(30:44):
we'll do that. But then the mediator said, well, actually,
I don't think the court will sign off on that
because that's not a fair division. So in the end,
I've gotten sixty percent of you Super.
Speaker 2 (30:53):
It's not a fair division. You asked for half, and
now you've got sixty percent of you Super. I'm so sorry.
I shouldn't laugh at this because obviously, like you know,
there's two sides, or there's actually three sides to every story.
But like you know, he deserves to be financially secure
as well, of course, but like not going in prepared
(31:14):
saying that fifty percent's not okay, continuing the conversation, ending
up with forty percent. Oh, I love this. So you
got sixty percent of your super.
Speaker 4 (31:24):
Yep, and now I need to work with my financial
advisor about where we put that and how we put
that in some super aggressive accounts to make sure that
that's doing the most it can do.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
Yeah, Oh my gosh, Like that is probably my favorite
thing I've heard all day. So where does that put
you in relation to the average superannuation balance for your age?
Speaker 4 (31:45):
What is the average balance? I don't know. I think
it will end me with about one hundred and eighty
five thousand in super. Yeah, so that puts you way
above and beyond for your age because you're thirty five.
So that means that you are doing really well ten
out of ten.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
I like that is set you up. In a couple
of years, you're going to be like, this was the
best thing that ever happened to me. Sometimes I like
seeing women win, and today is that day. So tell
me a bit more about investments now. So you're obviously
you've got some superminuation. You now are backup where potentially
you could have been had you worked those nine years.
(32:23):
What other investments do you potentially have if you don't
obviously completely fine? But like, have you thought about it?
What does that look like?
Speaker 4 (32:31):
Yeah? So I was always really scared of investing. I
always wanted to invest in property. My dream has always
kind of been to have like investment properties and stuff
like that, but we've just never been in a financial
position to do that. But listening to you guys made
me just decide not to be so scared of it.
So I downloaded.
Speaker 2 (32:49):
Chase's Oh I can't, I can't.
Speaker 4 (32:52):
I got my ten dollars, I contributed another thirty, and
I was just like, well, you know, you've got to
start somewhere. I've got to be in it to win it.
Speaker 2 (32:59):
One hundred percent.
Speaker 4 (33:00):
And I just look, I didn't do a whole bunch
of research. I just invested into companies that I buy
from a lot and was like, well, I may as
well be a shareholder there.
Speaker 2 (33:09):
I love this. You're buying from your own business.
Speaker 4 (33:12):
There's a lot more research I need to do. I
need to like sit down and I need to invest
in your investing course and all that kind of stuff
when I've got time to sit and.
Speaker 2 (33:21):
Do it one hundred percent.
Speaker 4 (33:22):
Because I need to do that. I need to And
that's what I love about this is like breaking down
that barrier, is making it approachable and accessible for just
normal people. I think it was just something. This is
how the rich kept getting richer? Is it was all
this like secretive stuff that the everyday person didn't understand,
and now that we can.
Speaker 2 (33:39):
It's literally why I left being a financial advisor because
the information that I was sharing every single day, I
just knew how powerful it was when put into the
right hands. But the hands that I was putting it
into were the ones that could afford it, and the
ones that could afford it like amazing, incredible, Like I
was so happy that I could do that, But it
was always in the back of my mind that how
(34:02):
much more powerful would it be if it was in
the hands of you know, thirty five year old money
diarist who has just gone through a divorce and needs
that support and deserves to absolutely shine, but wouldn't know
where to start. Like that's what I wanted to do,
and obviously I'm so proud that I have, But now
I just know that we're in the right place, and
we've made financial advice accessible. And I mean, as you said,
(34:24):
you've got a financial advisor. Bit like, there is this
barrier even with financial advisors where often, especially as women,
we just hand over the keys to the kingdom because
they're usually male and they can run it for us
and they tell us what we need. But even if
you have a financial advisor, going and doing the investing
masterclass or listening to the podcast means that you go
(34:46):
to those meetings so much more informed, so much more empowered,
so much more motivated because you're like, well, actually, I
know it's possible. I don't just have this dude that
sits down and shows me a graph and says money
direst in this many years you will have X many
dollars and you go, ah, okay, like you're empowered by
it as opposed to overwhelmed. And I just think it's so.
Speaker 4 (35:04):
Smart and just learning those that, like there's been so
many like little things that I've learned, because I mean
I've like binged like your whole catalog pretty much in
the last foremost.
Speaker 2 (35:13):
Sorry that you're probably over me, but I'm not going anywhere.
Speaker 4 (35:17):
So I love that and just even little things right,
because I was like, traditionally, I've always been paid monthly
and now I get paid weekly. And I was like, Oh,
that's so annoying for like cash flow. But then I
heard you guys talking on an episode recently where you
were like, it's actually better to pay your mortgage weekly
because and I was like, oh.
Speaker 2 (35:33):
It is because you save on interest. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (35:36):
So then I'm like, actually, that's a great thing. But
I get paid weekly.
Speaker 2 (35:39):
Yeah, and you can automate it, like you could do
a direct like debit and transfer it all automatically so
that your money's working super hard for you exactly. Yeah,
smart women doing smart things. Money, diriced, I want to
know do you have any debt currently or did you
come out on top?
Speaker 4 (35:54):
We cleared the debts, so that's part of why we've
not got much in the property.
Speaker 2 (35:58):
Pool clean slate though. That that's how I.
Speaker 4 (36:01):
Kind of look at it, is like, let's just start
from here. So no debts, which is good.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
You from my perspective or an icon like you negotiated
his superinnuation. You've come out of it with a really
good child support payment. He probably didn't see this coming.
He's like this is actually not how I thought this
would go. I'm lucky for you, sir, but I feel
like you do have a few good money habits. What
do you think is your best money habit?
Speaker 4 (36:26):
I never buy anything full price. I can't bring myself
to do it, especially when it comes to like clothes
and stuff like that. I always always wait for a sale,
and I often do the like put a cart, log in,
make an online cart, and then you log out of
it and like close it down, and then they'll send
you like, hey, we'll give you fifteen percent off your
cart because they're afraid that you're about to go.
Speaker 2 (36:49):
Yeah, because like you're a lost cart.
Speaker 4 (36:51):
The other good one I do is I love like
skin treatments and stuff like that, and a lot of
like the big companies, they'll do like sixty percent off
day sales, and so I buy, like, for like skin
needling treatments, and then I use them over the course
of the year because you get them like sixty percent
of so that I kind of try to hack the timing.
Speaker 2 (37:12):
Oh that's smart, So you like bulk by to make
sure that you're getting good value. I love that skin
ealing is something that I've wanted to do for so
long I have to ask you about it off air
because I'm like, what else can I do for my skin?
I feel like you hit thirty and it really starts
to feel like things decline.
Speaker 4 (37:28):
Yeah, and if you couple the skin needling with some laser,
all right, all.
Speaker 2 (37:31):
Right, I'm on it. I'm on it, all right. I
want to know. On the flip side, though, what's your
worst money?
Speaker 4 (37:36):
Have it? The aforementioned ADHD.
Speaker 2 (37:39):
You're just a little bit spendy, a little bit impulsive.
Speaker 4 (37:42):
I'm so spendy. I'm so impulsive.
Speaker 2 (37:45):
I just am like, we're just a little bit neurospicy, exactly,
and I need to get better at that.
Speaker 4 (37:50):
But I think and even like learning about like up
bank by listening to you guys, like I've started creating
all those little tiny accounts, and for me that's already
just feeling like I've got so much more control about it. Like,
and I think for me to just have this is
your pool of money for the month, it just doesn't work.
I just go crazy words. If I'm like, you have
one hundred dollars a month to spend on lunches, you
(38:14):
have two hundred dollars a month to spend on I
don't know, clothes for the kids. Whatever it might be
that seems excessive for the kid, but whatever.
Speaker 2 (38:21):
It's just a good example.
Speaker 4 (38:22):
Yeah, yeah, that really works for me and my brain,
and so I need to start kind of really implementing
that a bit more bucketing things. Yeah, bucketing I think
for me will be really huge. And I think I
haven't had my own money and my own control over
my money for like ten plus years.
Speaker 2 (38:38):
So you are living. I'm actually going to set you
up with my Money Masterclass, which has a whole budget
and cash flow system for you, and it does it automated,
so it is a very bucket system and it integrates
really well with upbank. You can use any bank literally,
but like once you get your fun money as well,
because I have a food, fuel and fun account and
(38:59):
we put our in there every week, and like I've
done it based on my spending as someone who is
pretty neurospicy, Like this is how I got to manage it,
and it seems to work across the board. But it's
going to show you how it breaks down and kind
of put away the stuff that you need to put away,
but then give you access to the things that you
need access to. And I think that that will actually
(39:21):
turbocharge your budgeting and cash flow because it plugs into
what you're already using. And like, we love a spreadsheet
and it has a whole kids section, Like you are
going to be absolutely killing it, and I can't wait.
Money durist at the start we got on and I
was like, oh, this is going to be a bit sad,
like this is not going to be great. You know,
(39:42):
she's told us that she thinks she's a cautionary tale.
She just said, oh, my money grade's probably DDUS. I'm sorry.
What kind of D minus negotiates and gets sixty percent
of their ex husband's super inuation? What kind of D
minus gets a four thousand dollars a month child support payment?
(40:03):
Because they were like absolutely not. Who is that smart
that they go to their best friend that they did
university with and says, actually, can you let me know
what your career trajectory looked? Like, okay, you were on
two hundred and ten thousand dollars and then takes that
to mediation and says, this is where I could have been,
this is what I'm missing out. Sorry, is that deep
minus behavior? Like you might not feel like you're that
(40:24):
good at it, but I'm pretty good at judging people's
you know, money stories, and yours is telling me that
you are like very very A plus. I mean, you
might not feel like you're there yet because you're like,
look the I haven't got the house, I haven't got
the savings. Like I just I feel like I'm behind.
But like, you're thirty five, You've got a clean slate,
you've got a great super fund, you've got two beautiful kids,
(40:45):
and you are able to afford a very comfortable lifestyle.
What do you actually reckon you are after this conversation?
Speaker 4 (40:53):
Okay, I love the reframe because I had not considered
any of that stuff as part of my financial grading.
I was more thinking of my day to day spending habits.
Speaker 2 (41:03):
Do I spend too much?
Speaker 4 (41:04):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (41:05):
I go to sandwich today.
Speaker 4 (41:06):
All right, I will give myself a B plus because
I do feel like I'm proud of myself and negotiating
real hard.
Speaker 2 (41:13):
Oh, you are an icon, and I hope that people
listen to this and if ever they find themselves in
a similar position, which obviously we don't wish on anyone,
but if you do, here's an example of who we
want to be in those moments like we want to
channel out inner money arrested like literally asking for what
you deserve. You weon't even asking for more. You were
(41:34):
just like, this is where I would have been career wise,
So if we could just make sure that I'm not
missing out, that would be fantastic. Thank you.
Speaker 4 (41:40):
Yeah, and I think it's about just no one wants
to think about this happening. I certainly didn't. I certainly
never thought this was in my life. And there were
many times throughout my relationship where I was like, I'm
really being a bad feminist. I need to have my
own account because like, what if you go crazy one
day and I have to leave? And he was always like,
don't be silly, Oh.
Speaker 2 (41:58):
Don't be silly. You know why you didn't have to
be silly because he was.
Speaker 4 (42:02):
Yeah, So I would just say to all women, just
have your own account with something in it for one
day exactly.
Speaker 2 (42:11):
I feel like this has been a really good chat.
I'm so sad that we don't have more time to
chat about literally everything including skin needling, but alas we've
run out of time. Thank you so much for joining us.
I have absolutely adored this money diary. I feel like yes,
it serves as a cautionary tale to make sure that
you have your own emergency fund, you've got access to
(42:31):
your cash, and that we aren't letting all of those
little steps lead us completely off path. But also that
when these things happen, we don't bury our heads in
the sand, because if we do, we end up in
a worse off position. And you've proved that by not
burying your head in the sand, like you've put yourself
not only on a clean slate, but you have put
yourself in a position where you are going to thrive.
(42:52):
And I cannot wait to see it. So stay in contact,
my friend.
Speaker 4 (42:56):
I will when I finally buy the house, I will
tell you.
Speaker 2 (42:58):
Oh, I'm so excited. Please tell me. And I hope
that we cross paths in person at some point. So
thank you so much.
Speaker 4 (43:05):
Thank you.
Speaker 5 (43:12):
The advice shared on She's on the Money is general
in nature and does not consider your individual circumstances. She's
on the Money exists purely for educational purposes and should
not be relied upon to make an investment or financial decision.
If you do choose to buy a financial product, read
the PDS TMD and obtain appropriate financial advice.
Speaker 2 (43:31):
Tailored towards your needs.
Speaker 5 (43:33):
Victoria Divine and She's on the Money are authorized representatives
of money. Sheper Pty Ltd ABN three two one is
six four nine two seven seven zero eight AFSL four
five one two eight nine
Hello, my name's Santasha Nabananga Bamblet. I'm a proud Order
Order Kerni Whoaltbury and a waddery woman. And before we
get started on She's on the Money podcast, I would
like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land of
which this podcast is recorded on a wondery country, acknowledging
the elders, the ancestors and the next generation coming through
(00:23):
as this podcast is about connecting, empowering, knowledge sharing and
the storytelling of you to make a difference for today
and lasting impact for tomorrow.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Let's get into it.
Speaker 3 (00:34):
She's on the Money, She's on the Money.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
Hello, and welcome to She's on the Money the podcast
some millennials who want financial freedom. Welcome back to another
one of our money jaries where I get the absolute
pleasure of sitting down with one of our She's on
the Money community members and talking to them all about
their money story. Let's jump straight into it, because this
week I got a message and it sounded like this, Hi,
She's on the Money. I'm a thirty five year old
(01:18):
mom of two with a story that serves as a
cautionary tale for all women. Three months ago, after relocating
to a news date with my husband. He blindsided me
with the news that he was leaving. I absolutely had
no idea it was coming. He's the tough part. We
had joint money. He earns three times what I do,
and I have spent the last nine years out of
(01:40):
full time work raising our kids. Now I'm having to
pick myself up and reassess everything to start fresh and
give my kids the life they deserve. Money, Diarist, that
just feels like trash.
Speaker 4 (01:52):
That's one word for it, that's for sure.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
It's a bit more of a complimentary word I feel.
Speaker 4 (01:56):
Yeah, yeah, I've had some other words for sure that
have had less letters that.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (02:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
All right, Well let's start the way I always start, money, Darist.
I'd love to know what grade would you give your
money habits from A through to F.
Speaker 4 (02:08):
I am like a D, maybe even a D minus.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
I feel like you're not. But also we'll chat about it. Okay,
all right, I need to know my favorite question. Can
you tell me more about your money story. Let's go back.
Speaker 4 (02:23):
So I was raised in a regional town. I had
two working parents. We would just what I would say
was just like standard Australian middle class. You know, like
nothing was extravagant. My parents worked in their jobs for
like thirty years to put a roof over our heads,
and you know, we had a holiday every couple of
years and that was it. That was it was good life.
(02:44):
You know. My parents didn't really talk much about money, though.
I often say, like, we can probably get into this
a little bit later, and we talk about some of
the other things I'm working on. But I always say
my dad is very traditional country. He you know, don't
talk about sex, drugs, politics, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
Not exactly horible. I'm from Tasmania, I get it. Yeah,
he's very taboo. Yeah, that's disgusting. You will never talk
about that, let alone at the dinner table.
Speaker 4 (03:09):
Exactly. So I went to UNI, came out of UNI,
and not long after, when I was twenty two, just
graduated UNI, I met a cute boy.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
We love this, No we don't.
Speaker 4 (03:24):
We doesn't end well.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
I like com eating cuteboy.
Speaker 4 (03:27):
And anyway, we got together. He was eight years older
than me. I was only twenty two and he was thirty.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
I think that's going downhill real quick.
Speaker 4 (03:35):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, And it's only in hindsight, you know,
hindsight is twenty twenty that I can see that. I'm like, oh, well,
I was a thirty year old dating a twenty two
year old. Oh we know, we know well well because
I was young and easily manipulated exactly, and so from
that point on he was already much further along in
his career. He always earned like triple what I. I
(03:57):
came out of Union on a very low paying job,
and we essentially ended up joining not living together pretty
quickly after we got together, and then I got married
very young. I had my first child when I was
twenty seven, which is definitely younger than I would have
planned that, but again he was eight years older than me,
so he was ready for that, and I thought we'd
(04:17):
committed to this life together, yeah, one hundred percent. And
so had my first child. Or supposed to go back
to my job that I really loved, but do it
in like a part time capacity, And when my daughter
was about six months old, I got an email saying, like,
your job still exists, but it's the job that you
had before, and it was full time in the city,
lots of travel. I didn't have family around where I
(04:40):
was at the time, and so I had to make
the decision to not go back to that job. I
mean this was only like nine years ago, but part
time work just was not as much of a thing
as it was then, and definitely flexible work.
Speaker 2 (04:50):
Yeah, I feel like flexible work has really served recently
where people are realizing I think after COVID with all
of the work from home and like the work flexibly arrangements,
like it's definitely searched. But yeah, nine years ago, getting
a part time role was kind of like the golden goose.
Speaker 4 (05:05):
Exactly, and especially in the kind of industry. And then
so I turned in and did some freelance work, which
I mean, look at how its pros and cons. I
think if anytime you want to start a business or
start being a sole trader, you want to do it
because you've decided I'm ready for this, and I'm prep
for this. And whereas I had to kind of do
it as a necessity, so I didn't know how much
to charge. I didn't know, you know, like a lot
(05:26):
of my old workplaces became my client, so that kind
of made it a bit easier. And I continued on
doing that all the way through for another three years
till I had my son, and then when he was younger,
I went back to work, but I basically just worked
part time in jobs that I would say below my capabilities.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
That's the journey, right like, And I'm not saying it's
okay that it's like the small steps that you make
for your family that are sacrifices that you go, that's okay,
we'll sort that out. That's okay, we'll sort that out.
And then you fast forward and realize that all of
those time, any little steps that you thought you were
making that were in the best interest at the time
were actually not in your best interests exactly.
Speaker 4 (06:07):
Because I was thinking of us and I wasn't thinking
of me. And now, like I said, it is a
cautionary tale, it's bitten me in the bum. I had
no separate money from him. I always felt sort of
at the mercy of that he we're both terrible with money,
and I am open to admitting that, but he kind
(06:30):
of isn't. And we got a financial advisor a few
years ago, and I was very open about that, you know,
we're terrible with money. Help us, you know, And one
of the suggestions he had was, look, I can basically
take control of your money and give you guys essentially
like an allowance each week, and I'm like, great, yep,
that's the level of oversight we need. My husband didn't
like that. I think it's a bit of an ego
(06:51):
thing maybe for a man, a control thing for sure,
because you know, he would get a new hobby every
couple of months and just go and spend Like why
and I are people this well because they haven't been
to therapy and dealt with the root cause of what's
going on.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Oh ah yeah, yeah, that makes a lot more sense now.
Speaker 4 (07:09):
Yeah, yeah, because why do that when you can just
fill the void with buying new things? Oh you know?
Speaker 2 (07:15):
Actually, yeah, like why I spend money on therapy? That ah?
So smart, so smart, so smart. So what happened after that?
Speaker 4 (07:23):
So we moved recently, we did a big move into
state move.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
The audad sorry, like I don't know enough about this situation,
but the audacity on that man to let you move
states and then go by the way not feeling this. Oh,
also to.
Speaker 4 (07:36):
Move away from family that was in my other city.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
Moving from home to somewhere else, you're probably thinking new life. Great,
We've got these great opportunities as a family. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (07:48):
So oh mate, Like the week before he sat down
and told me this on a random Thursday night. I
was literally drinking a cup of tea on the couch
and he sat down and said, I can't do this anymore.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
Sorry, what so you can't do what me during because
that's currently where we're at.
Speaker 4 (08:02):
Exactly, like that is our life stage to deal with it.
And the week before that we had met with our
financial advisor to talk about buying a property here. No,
you know, And now he wants to turn around and say,
you should have known you can't act.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
What do you mean I should have known you're literally
talking with a financial advisor about another commitment together.
Speaker 4 (08:23):
And this is the thing, right And I know it's
so cliche for a woman to say in twenty twenty four,
but he's a legitimate narcissist, Like I have learned this.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
Now And I'm like, yeah, but you don't know at
the time.
Speaker 4 (08:32):
No, And you don't want to see that at the time.
And I get it. Like people have said, to me,
was he like this the whole time? And I'm like,
I guess in a way, he was, But I just
I wanted to excuse it because this is the man
who was the father of my children. I wanted to
make it work. I wanted to have that family. So anyway,
so we moved to where we are now at the
start of the year, and about three months after, yeah,
(08:52):
he told me he was out. I was still on
probation at a new job.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
And that just like that mental load, that like not
even taking into consideration the fact that you didn't see
a divorce coming, like just oh, that would have flipped
the narrative. So what happened?
Speaker 4 (09:10):
I mean I just had to turn around and deal
with it, like I was literally living.
Speaker 2 (09:15):
Did he give a reason? Obviously, he was like you
should have seen this coming.
Speaker 4 (09:18):
No, really, just this isn't working exactly, there's not really
a reason.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
Looks from your perspective, was it working?
Speaker 4 (09:25):
I mean, it wasn't the best, But I also just
thought that was the season of life.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
Yeah, like we have young kids, Like stuff's just stuffing.
Speaker 4 (09:33):
Yeah, And like I've just watched so many you know,
my mom and dad and aunts and uncles and things
like that. I've seen marriages have ebbs and flows, and
like there was nothing so so terrible in it that
I would have ever considered walking away, you know, like
it just wasn't like and so I genuinely believe he's
having a midlife crisis and he had to run away
from something.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Okay, you're not twenty two anymore, and I was twenty
two that kind of midlife crisis, Yeah, I think so.
Speaker 4 (09:59):
And just I've lost control. Like so, we had also
bought a property in the other city that we were
in and when we were selling that for a loss
just because the timing was bad, and again, like we're
just not super financially true, which is why I've become
obsessed with you guys.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
Welcome to the community. We are actually so stoked to
have you here.
Speaker 4 (10:19):
It's been amazing. Yeah, And so I think it's no
surprise that the week we found out we were going
to make a loss on that sale is the week
he decided he was out. You know. I think there's
a whole bunch.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
Of how do we tell him that that's not what's
going to solve the problem. But that's okay, you do
you too?
Speaker 4 (10:34):
Yeah, So I was still on probation. My job. I'm
just living through this like trauma and shock and trying
to be the best mom I can to my kids.
And they're living through it and I'm having to comfort
them through it, and I mean, it's literally been the
worst few months of my life. But it definitely builds resilience,
you know.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
We are oh my god, yeah, like I mean, yes,
it does. But it wasn't consensual resilience Like I didn't.
I didn't go wake up and say I want to
be more resilient, like you were forced into it. So
tell me. You get told that your husband isn't in
anymore on a random Thursday night while you're drinking a
cup of tea. What happens then?
Speaker 4 (11:12):
So then he tells me I was obviously shocked, heartbroken,
begging him to stay, and he said, you know, it's
not a nail in the coffin. There's things that we
can work on, but I just need to get out.
I was like, okay, you know. So it means that
within a week he had moved out of our family home.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
He within it.
Speaker 4 (11:34):
This week, he found a furnished rental that he moved to,
and then my kids had to start adapting to coming
and going from his place. Yeah. So I tried to
talk to him about it. He didn't want to talk.
So I was like, okay, I'll give him time. And
in that eight weeks I went I was like right,
(11:54):
I can work on myself in this time. So I went,
I got.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
You're a queen, You're an iconon You're who. I hope
that everyone going through a situation like this use is
like I'm going to work on myself. Like what iconic behavior?
Speaker 4 (12:09):
Well, it's just when you have no choice, right.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
One hundred percent. But so many people also bury their
heads and go we'll talk about it at some point,
like true. Just don't get me wrong, Like I feel
like you and I know that you didn't have a choice,
like this is what's happening, But you also have a
choice on your mindset. You also have a choice on
how you work on yourself, and those choices are going
to serve you very.
Speaker 4 (12:30):
Well, exactly. So I got myself on anti anxiety medication
because I was like, okay, maybe that's impact in the relationship.
I started doing cognitive behavioral therapy because I, like many
other thirty five year old women and a late diagnosed ADHDR.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Welcome to the club.
Speaker 4 (12:46):
Which, by the way, when I heard you refer to
that as neurospicy, I laughed out loud. I thought it
was the best thing I've ever heard. I was like, yes,
let's just normally.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
Framing it like we are all a little bit neurospicy,
and it's.
Speaker 4 (12:58):
Just it's no different to like me have a double
jointed thumb like whatever.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
Which we do because we are You're very divergent, and
those two things go together.
Speaker 4 (13:08):
I actually also did a six week hypnotherapy Who are you?
Speaker 2 (13:12):
You are a self help queen?
Speaker 4 (13:13):
Yeah? Well, I just thought, let's get to the subconscious
level of like my lack of self worth and my
insecurities and stuff, and let's go real deep on that.
My view on it was, at least I know I
have done everything I can to save this relationship. If
he still doesn't want it, well, then none of this
stuff is.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
That's actually not my problem.
Speaker 4 (13:34):
Exactly, And I've then put myself in the best possible position.
So after about eight weeks, I asked him to come
and talk and he was like, yeah, no, I'm out.
So that's that. Deal with it and have fun.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Was the CBT, What helped you discover that your husband
was actually an arcist?
Speaker 4 (13:52):
Well that, let's be honest.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
Instagram Yeah, yeah, yeah, one hundred percent, Like that's a
form of therapy.
Speaker 4 (13:58):
My algorithm these days is I was just like, how
to spot a narcissist, and like, how.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
To Sometimes I feel like, yeah, algorithm, really, algorithm's too hard,
and you're like, yeah, have you been listening, Like no,
how did you know?
Speaker 4 (14:11):
I know? I know? So yeah, So that's kind of
where we are now. I decided to take a bit
of control of it. I got a lawyer, which not
cheap obviously, and got myself with as much info as
I could. I actually spoke to a really amazing lawyer
and she was like, look, there's all these different ways
to do this. The best way to do it, if
you guys are amicable enough, is to do it through mediation,
(14:32):
so you're not having lawyers represent you, so you're not
like waste that money.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
And I was so nice of you to say that, Yeah,
thank you. Also an iconic queen.
Speaker 4 (14:40):
Yeah, and she was just like, I'm the one who
does these invoices of these clients, and I invoice them
for like thirty grand and I just think to myself,
that's money that could have gone towards the depozard or
the kids. And I'm like, you know, so we did that.
A couple of weeks ago. We did the mediation, which
is like a one day thing to deal with property
and family also. So in the meantime, had quite a
(15:01):
few meetings with my financial advisor. He has been amazing
helping me with negotiations and stuff, and so I came
out of that pretty well. I went in probably over prepared,
but I think that's a better way to be, and
he went in completely underprepared.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
So that's very media commit aged white man behavior exactly.
Speaker 4 (15:19):
So why should I prepare for this? You know the
world will work for me.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
Okay, Well that's interesting. I feel like you are killing
it and it reminds me of that quote sometimes something
you lose is not a loss, and like that is
so true, Like you feel like you're losing something, but
you're not. It's not a loss. And that just right
now is like what you're going through. I think in
a couple of years you'll be like, oh my god,
(15:43):
I'm so glad he did that.
Speaker 4 (15:45):
I know, and I do feel like I'm starting to
see that now. I feel like I do feel like
in the end, I will look back and be glad
this happened, because you know, I am thirty five years old,
I've got my whole life ahead of me. I've just
put the gas pedal back down my career. My kids
are both in school, so like, let's.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
Go cheers to him for not doing it while you
had two tiny, tiny children who weren't in school. Like, yeah,
that's I mean, very considerate of him.
Speaker 4 (16:14):
I'm not a great man.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
Oh one out of ten cannot recommend. These are the
moments where you realize that, like, being straight is actually
not a choice.
Speaker 4 (16:23):
No, no, I look, I am open to any and
all possibilities. Now I will.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
So I want to know, let's get into some nitty
gritty questions. So I'm sure it will come back up.
But now that you are getting back into your career,
what do you do for it? How much money do
you earn?
Speaker 4 (16:38):
So I'm a communications manager. I am on one hundred
and three per year plus super.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
Oh how good is that? I mean at the moment,
you're probably like, oh, everything's so expensive, But like that
is a great career trajectory. Yeah, and I feel like
there's a lot of room for growth, which is awesome.
Where like, and this is probably not a question that's
get kind questioned to us, but that where do you
think you would have been had you not, you know,
put the brakes on your career back when you were
(17:07):
making sacrifices so that he could earn three times more
than you. Well, I know exactly where I would be
because this is part of the research I did with
going into my mediation.
Speaker 4 (17:16):
So my best friend and I graduated from the same
degree at the same time. She's just recently had her
first child, which, by the way, having kids in your
thirties is a way better idea for so many reasons.
Speaker 2 (17:27):
But anyway, when I'm still not getting sleep and I'm
really tired, and you get to climb into your bed
and no toddler is going to be in the middle,
You'll be saying.
Speaker 4 (17:35):
Ha, try having an eight year old and a five
year old in bed every night.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
It's that's right, you know what. I feel like, you're
living my dream.
Speaker 4 (17:43):
So she had an amazing stuff with her career, Like
not to take anything away from her, like she's brilliant
what she does, but we had very similar you know,
I would say, work ethics and all that kind of stuff.
She is currently on two hundred and ten. Yeah, okay,
you know, so that's the sacrifice I made in terms
of being the one at home raising the children. And
(18:04):
when I said that to him, he said, well, I
didn't ask you to do that.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
I'm gonna literally bunch you in the face, so weird.
My hand just slipped and fell into your nose.
Speaker 4 (18:13):
Oh the milk coming out of your boobies wasn't that good?
And your two days of paternity leave would not have
gotten us very far.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
Oh, that's so weird that we had kids when it
suited you and I was twenty seven and didn't think
it was going to work, but we did so obviously,
that is actually a fantastic benchmark to have. And having
these money conversations with your friend really empowered you to
have a successful mediation, right, So, like what were those conversations?
(18:40):
Like did you sit down with your friend and go hey, cool,
like you are basically like we split off. It's like
the superannuation ad where they're going up the escalators and
that's really powerful. But like, what was that conversation like
with your friend? Were you like, can you just tell
me what you earn? Was she open to that? Like
what did that look like?
Speaker 4 (18:56):
Yeah? So she's obviously been there for me during this
whole massive life change and she knew that I was
going to mediation and I literally just ragged her and
I was like, hey, can you, like, we all as
women need to get better at talking about money and
talking about this stuff. Can you tell me what you've
earned in your last like three or four jobs. And
she's like, yep, when I was at this job, I
earned this, when I was at this, iland at this,
(19:17):
when I was at this, ironed this and I love that.
And she's very similarly minded to me in terms of
like we need to change this narrative for women, especially,
like let's not be like weird about money or weird
about sex or whatever, like let's just normalize everything. And
so she was fully just like, yep, anything else you
need to know, you let me know.
Speaker 2 (19:34):
I can send you a pay slip for an example.
I love her, So tell me how that played into mediation,
Like what was that conversation? Like, I obviously thankfully haven't
been through this process, but I know that it can
be quite fick. Or is that something that you've said, well,
actually i'd be here.
Speaker 4 (19:50):
Yep, So I said I would be there, and I
said to make up for that, I believe I deserve
X amount. Unfortunately, because we are both bad with money,
we didn't really have much of a property pool to split,
so I negotiated really hard for a good monthly payment
because in Australia, unfortunately, this is another thing they don't
(20:12):
teach you. They don't give you alimony, so you have
to do it as child support. So that's what I
negotiated for. So I negotiated for four thousand dollars a
month from him, which I think for me puts me
in a much better position in terms of lending capabilities
and things like that. So I went in really armed
with all that information. I also went in armed with
(20:33):
what he isn't over that time. What you know, when
they'd break down those calculations of how much a woman
like it's not just the amount of time that you
spent out of the workforce, it's also the slower career progression.
Because in the time that I was home with the kids,
he progressed really rapidly in his career because he had
the time and space to do that.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
It's almost like he had someone supporting him at home
to do that. That's very strange. He didn't know that though,
So that is a super powerful position to be in.
You manage to get a good amount of child support.
But obviously, like when I do the maths on that
that actually gets you to being on par or close
(21:12):
to what your friend earns, but that then puts you
in the basket of being a single parent exactly. So like, yes,
you're kind of getting that, but like that child support,
according to Australian government regulation is meant to go towards
the kids, not necessarily towards your income. So now you're
on par What type of custody arrangements exists? Like is
(21:34):
it fifty to fifty? Are they with you?
Speaker 1 (21:35):
Like?
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Has he just decided not only am I walking away
from my marriage, I've had a midlife crisis. I want
to be a single male? Like what does that look like?
Speaker 4 (21:43):
To be honest, in a way, I wish he had
have done that. That would have made things easier, but
instead he has turned around and insisted on having them.
So I refuse to do fifty to fifty because they
are incredibly bonded to me.
Speaker 2 (21:58):
Absolutely not, they're too little exactly.
Speaker 4 (22:01):
Oh, he turned around and told me that they don't
need a primary parent.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
Oh okay, that's so strange.
Speaker 4 (22:07):
Our youngest is five years old.
Speaker 2 (22:09):
No no, no, no, no, no, you're the one that
chose this. So I'm going to give them a stable
home and you can go do your midlife crisis stuff.
You're not coming back, but like, go have fun.
Speaker 4 (22:21):
So currently it's about a sixty forty split. It's not perfect.
There is a bit of doing and throwing, and that's
just because I have certain days that I have to
be in the office, which means I leave. Of course,
I'm early, so they stay with him those nights. So
that's two nights a week. So that's what it was originally,
and then once he'd moved out, then he started insisting
I want them every second weekend as well, and I'm like, well.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
You can't have your cake and eat it too, sir,
you know.
Speaker 4 (22:44):
But then it's really hard because you don't want to
be the parent who keeps their children from their other parent.
But for me, it does still feel like I am
the primary parent because every second week I have them
five nights in a row, and they are never with
him longer than two nights. Like my daughter especially, she's like,
I don't want to be there any longer than two nights,
and I'm like, that's great, that's fine. So I definitely
(23:07):
still feel like the primary parent, which is really good.
So yeah, they do still see him and I think
like I will forever bite my tongue and I will
never say anything bad about him to them because it
just doesn't serve anyone anything.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
That's iconic mum behavior that is so hard to do.
Like I thankfully I haven't done or been in that situation,
but you just know that that is such a powerful
piece that they're going to go into adulthood going hold on,
Like kids look back right, Like I've got friends and
family members who have been through that situation, and by
(23:40):
the time they're eighteen twenty, they look back and go,
hold on, the math isn't mathing far out. Mum's a
good egg. Like That's exactly what's going to happen.
Speaker 4 (23:48):
And that's what I want them to see, you know,
Like I'm very aware that this is like the hardest
period of my life. But what I want my kids
to see is yet dad up and left, but Mum
turned around and she killed it in her career and
she did all these great things. And that's kind of
what I want them to take from this. And I
want them to make up their own decision about him.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
They will, Yeah, kids aren't silly.
Speaker 4 (24:11):
No, my daughter especially, she's already figuring it. Out she's
a bit of.
Speaker 2 (24:15):
A she's too emotionally intelligent for our own good at
this point, which is really sweet. But also you're just like,
I wish you weren't as smart as you are.
Speaker 4 (24:24):
Yeah, and I just I wish you weren't going through this.
I wish I'd picked a better person. Sorry, babe, No.
Speaker 2 (24:30):
You did the best that you could and you got her,
So like that's a perfect outcome. So talk to me.
You've just gone through all this, what are your current
big money goals? What are you working towards.
Speaker 4 (24:40):
My biggest money goal, The biggest thing I want in
life is just to buy a home. So when we
moved here, we moved quite quickly and we wanted to
do that to get to where we were going before
the start of the school year for our kids. And
so we were renting because we're also selling the property
that we bought in our last city. So we're renting,
so have to move out of this rentals and moving back.
(25:02):
But that's a whole separate drama to deal with. Ah.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
Of course, when it rains, it pause.
Speaker 4 (25:08):
Literally it's like every day there's something new. So I
want more than anything to just buy a home for
my babies. I just want stability, and I want predictability,
and I just want to be able to have control
of my finances and to be able to take them
on holidays. I want them to experience different cultures and
see the world, and to be honest, those are my
two main money goals. Is just a lovely house for
(25:31):
my kids, an article home, and to expose them to
the world and to travel. So my like, I get it.
I'm incredibly fortunate that my parents, when this happened, they
insisted on, you know, helping me to try to buy
a home. Of course, at first, I was like, nope,
per absolutely not.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
I'm going to do this. I'm a strong independent woman.
Speaker 4 (25:51):
Yeah, And I was just like, I need no, man,
They've worked so hard for so long. I don't want
them to then have to turn around and be my
parents again, you know. I want them to actually enjoy
being grandparents. But they were sort of like, well, everything
we've got just goes to you and your sister anyway,
so you may as well have it now than when
we kick the bucket. And so I was like, well, I.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
Guess oh, and they can probably feel like they're really
helping you and their grandkids like, I get that, but
also they're like, I don't know. Now I'm a mom
as well. I feel like if Harvey ever went through anything,
I'd be like, no, no, no, I'll fix it, like and
like you have kids, you would bend over backwards, so
(26:28):
you kin'd of get it. And I mean, of course
it's a privilege, but like, I think the powerful thing
here is we're talking about it and the different outcomes
and what that looks like. And that thing is often
a fair bit of guilt when you even have this
privilege and this access. So what does that look like?
Have you started talking to mortgage brokers? Have you started,
you know, that process of understanding what it could look like?
Speaker 4 (26:49):
Yeah, so started down that path. A lot of it
was dependent on the outcome of the mediation.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
Yeah, of course, because it would depend on then what
payments you're getting, which would play into how much you
can borrow.
Speaker 4 (27:00):
Yeah, so I have had my financial advice. So they've
got some mortgage brokers at work in their company and
they've sort of run some numbers for me, which is awesome.
But this is where it comes back into it with
my dad, where you know, don't talk about sex, drugs, politics,
religion or money. It's kind of like, Dad, I'm so
grateful that your mom are going to help, but like,
what does that look like in dollar terms? He's just like, oh, well,
(27:23):
would you just find a house and then we'll tell
you if we can do that or not. And I'm like,
it's not really how it works.
Speaker 2 (27:29):
That then sets unrealistic expectations and it's really uncomfortable.
Speaker 4 (27:33):
Yeah, and look, he hasn't He's only ever been in
a regional area. It's like, no one a bloke who
knows a bloke, And so I don't think they quite
get how like the market and stuff works these days.
Speaker 2 (27:44):
But yeah, it doesn't cost twenty thousand dollars to buy
a house any more, Dad.
Speaker 4 (27:48):
No.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
Yeah, so like it might actually not be feasible.
Speaker 4 (27:51):
Yes, so let's figure out what is feasible. So they
have a financial advisor themselves, So I've said, can I
sit in on a meeting with her and we can talk,
because the first thing I want to talk to their
financial advisor about is to say, I just want to
make sure I'm not in any way going to be
negatively impacting their life, you know, So you tell me,
as their financial advisor, what are you going to tell
(28:13):
them not to do? And what are you going to
tell them is actually like a.
Speaker 2 (28:16):
Good thing to do and that's really thoughtful.
Speaker 4 (28:18):
Yeah, and then the second thing will be, okay, like
what are we talking about in terms of dollar figures?
So that's kind of where we are right now. I
should have that meeting next week, and then I'll meet
with my financial advisor. Because the banks want to see
like three to six months of the child'sport payments coming through,
I'll need to wait a little bit. My huge, massive
goal is I would love to be in the new
(28:39):
house by the time the kids start the twenty twenty
five school year.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
I'm sure it can happen. We're manifesting this.
Speaker 4 (28:44):
My friend taught me how to manifest under the full moon,
so I did that.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
Okay, good, I love this.
Speaker 4 (28:49):
I mean, what have we got to lose at this point?
Speaker 2 (28:50):
Literally? Nothing? Literally nothing like not one thing. All right,
let's go to a really quick break and on the
flip side, I want to talk about investments and debt
and best and worst money habit, So don't go anywhere
money direst We are back. I'm gonna talk investments, but
I actually want to step a little bit back. When
(29:11):
you're in mediation, did you talk about superannuation? Did you
negotiate for any what did that look like?
Speaker 4 (29:17):
Yes? We did. This was again where he came in
very unprepared.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
Get it, queen, I love this so much. I'm like deserved, deserved.
Speaker 4 (29:25):
Yeah, well, I mean yeah, if you understood how like
Beta I had been in my relationship, you would be like,
who is this person? Like, I'm just like, let's take
control of our life now.
Speaker 2 (29:34):
Oh no, he was shocked too. That's what we want.
We want to blindside him.
Speaker 4 (29:39):
Yeah, So when the subject of super was brought up,
he was kind of like, what why do you get
my super? Ah?
Speaker 2 (29:45):
I love this so much, and you were like, well, actually,
here is the research.
Speaker 4 (29:49):
Here is the reason why. Well and I didn't even
have to say it. The mediator said it, which was
even better, and I was like, you know, I took
nine years out of full time work, my earning capacity,
my earning potential, blah blah blah. And then he's like, yeah,
but I'm years older, so I'm closer to retirement than you.
And it was like, irrelevant.
Speaker 2 (30:04):
We had eight years more to think about this terrible decision,
didn't you also.
Speaker 4 (30:07):
And as the mediator pointed out, but you also still
earn triple what she earns.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
I love this mediator, this mediator we know in the background.
This mediator was like money, darist, I'm on your team.
Speaker 4 (30:17):
Well he was recommended by my lawyer for that reason.
Speaker 2 (30:20):
Iconic.
Speaker 4 (30:21):
Yeah. And so in the end, part of my negotiating
was I negotiated for a higher figure for the monthly
payment and said I want fifty percent of your super
and he was like, absolutely not to both. And I
was like, okay, fine, what about an equalization of super.
He was like, what does that even mean. I was like,
silly boy, it means we joined them together and then
we split them in half. And he was like, okay, fine,
(30:44):
we'll do that. But then the mediator said, well, actually,
I don't think the court will sign off on that
because that's not a fair division. So in the end,
I've gotten sixty percent of you Super.
Speaker 2 (30:53):
It's not a fair division. You asked for half, and
now you've got sixty percent of you Super. I'm so sorry.
I shouldn't laugh at this because obviously, like you know,
there's two sides, or there's actually three sides to every story.
But like you know, he deserves to be financially secure
as well, of course, but like not going in prepared
(31:14):
saying that fifty percent's not okay, continuing the conversation, ending
up with forty percent. Oh, I love this. So you
got sixty percent of your super.
Speaker 4 (31:24):
Yep, and now I need to work with my financial
advisor about where we put that and how we put
that in some super aggressive accounts to make sure that
that's doing the most it can do.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
Yeah, Oh my gosh, Like that is probably my favorite
thing I've heard all day. So where does that put
you in relation to the average superannuation balance for your age?
Speaker 4 (31:45):
What is the average balance? I don't know. I think
it will end me with about one hundred and eighty
five thousand in super. Yeah, so that puts you way
above and beyond for your age because you're thirty five.
So that means that you are doing really well ten
out of ten.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
I like that is set you up. In a couple
of years, you're going to be like, this was the
best thing that ever happened to me. Sometimes I like
seeing women win, and today is that day. So tell
me a bit more about investments now. So you're obviously
you've got some superminuation. You now are backup where potentially
you could have been had you worked those nine years.
(32:23):
What other investments do you potentially have if you don't
obviously completely fine? But like, have you thought about it?
What does that look like?
Speaker 4 (32:31):
Yeah? So I was always really scared of investing. I
always wanted to invest in property. My dream has always
kind of been to have like investment properties and stuff
like that, but we've just never been in a financial
position to do that. But listening to you guys made
me just decide not to be so scared of it.
So I downloaded.
Speaker 2 (32:49):
Chase's Oh I can't, I can't.
Speaker 4 (32:52):
I got my ten dollars, I contributed another thirty, and
I was just like, well, you know, you've got to
start somewhere. I've got to be in it to win it.
Speaker 2 (32:59):
One hundred percent.
Speaker 4 (33:00):
And I just look, I didn't do a whole bunch
of research. I just invested into companies that I buy
from a lot and was like, well, I may as
well be a shareholder there.
Speaker 2 (33:09):
I love this. You're buying from your own business.
Speaker 4 (33:12):
There's a lot more research I need to do. I
need to like sit down and I need to invest
in your investing course and all that kind of stuff
when I've got time to sit and.
Speaker 2 (33:21):
Do it one hundred percent.
Speaker 4 (33:22):
Because I need to do that. I need to And
that's what I love about this is like breaking down
that barrier, is making it approachable and accessible for just
normal people. I think it was just something. This is
how the rich kept getting richer? Is it was all
this like secretive stuff that the everyday person didn't understand,
and now that we can.
Speaker 2 (33:39):
It's literally why I left being a financial advisor because
the information that I was sharing every single day, I
just knew how powerful it was when put into the
right hands. But the hands that I was putting it
into were the ones that could afford it, and the
ones that could afford it like amazing, incredible, Like I
was so happy that I could do that, But it
was always in the back of my mind that how
(34:02):
much more powerful would it be if it was in
the hands of you know, thirty five year old money
diarist who has just gone through a divorce and needs
that support and deserves to absolutely shine, but wouldn't know
where to start. Like that's what I wanted to do,
and obviously I'm so proud that I have, But now
I just know that we're in the right place, and
we've made financial advice accessible. And I mean, as you said,
(34:24):
you've got a financial advisor. Bit like, there is this
barrier even with financial advisors where often, especially as women,
we just hand over the keys to the kingdom because
they're usually male and they can run it for us
and they tell us what we need. But even if
you have a financial advisor, going and doing the investing
masterclass or listening to the podcast means that you go
(34:46):
to those meetings so much more informed, so much more empowered,
so much more motivated because you're like, well, actually, I
know it's possible. I don't just have this dude that
sits down and shows me a graph and says money
direst in this many years you will have X many
dollars and you go, ah, okay, like you're empowered by
it as opposed to overwhelmed. And I just think it's so.
Speaker 4 (35:04):
Smart and just learning those that, like there's been so
many like little things that I've learned, because I mean
I've like binged like your whole catalog pretty much in
the last foremost.
Speaker 2 (35:13):
Sorry that you're probably over me, but I'm not going anywhere.
Speaker 4 (35:17):
So I love that and just even little things right,
because I was like, traditionally, I've always been paid monthly
and now I get paid weekly. And I was like, Oh,
that's so annoying for like cash flow. But then I
heard you guys talking on an episode recently where you
were like, it's actually better to pay your mortgage weekly
because and I was like, oh.
Speaker 2 (35:33):
It is because you save on interest. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (35:36):
So then I'm like, actually, that's a great thing. But
I get paid weekly.
Speaker 2 (35:39):
Yeah, and you can automate it, like you could do
a direct like debit and transfer it all automatically so
that your money's working super hard for you exactly. Yeah,
smart women doing smart things. Money, diriced, I want to
know do you have any debt currently or did you
come out on top?
Speaker 4 (35:54):
We cleared the debts, so that's part of why we've
not got much in the property.
Speaker 2 (35:58):
Pool clean slate though. That that's how I.
Speaker 4 (36:01):
Kind of look at it, is like, let's just start
from here. So no debts, which is good.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
You from my perspective or an icon like you negotiated
his superinnuation. You've come out of it with a really
good child support payment. He probably didn't see this coming.
He's like this is actually not how I thought this
would go. I'm lucky for you, sir, but I feel
like you do have a few good money habits. What
do you think is your best money habit?
Speaker 4 (36:26):
I never buy anything full price. I can't bring myself
to do it, especially when it comes to like clothes
and stuff like that. I always always wait for a sale,
and I often do the like put a cart, log in,
make an online cart, and then you log out of
it and like close it down, and then they'll send
you like, hey, we'll give you fifteen percent off your
cart because they're afraid that you're about to go.
Speaker 2 (36:49):
Yeah, because like you're a lost cart.
Speaker 4 (36:51):
The other good one I do is I love like
skin treatments and stuff like that, and a lot of
like the big companies, they'll do like sixty percent off
day sales, and so I buy, like, for like skin
needling treatments, and then I use them over the course
of the year because you get them like sixty percent
of so that I kind of try to hack the timing.
Speaker 2 (37:12):
Oh that's smart, So you like bulk by to make
sure that you're getting good value. I love that skin
ealing is something that I've wanted to do for so
long I have to ask you about it off air
because I'm like, what else can I do for my skin?
I feel like you hit thirty and it really starts
to feel like things decline.
Speaker 4 (37:28):
Yeah, and if you couple the skin needling with some laser,
all right, all.
Speaker 2 (37:31):
Right, I'm on it. I'm on it, all right. I
want to know. On the flip side, though, what's your
worst money?
Speaker 4 (37:36):
Have it? The aforementioned ADHD.
Speaker 2 (37:39):
You're just a little bit spendy, a little bit impulsive.
Speaker 4 (37:42):
I'm so spendy. I'm so impulsive.
Speaker 2 (37:45):
I just am like, we're just a little bit neurospicy, exactly,
and I need to get better at that.
Speaker 4 (37:50):
But I think and even like learning about like up
bank by listening to you guys, like I've started creating
all those little tiny accounts, and for me that's already
just feeling like I've got so much more control about it. Like,
and I think for me to just have this is
your pool of money for the month, it just doesn't work.
I just go crazy words. If I'm like, you have
one hundred dollars a month to spend on lunches, you
(38:14):
have two hundred dollars a month to spend on I
don't know, clothes for the kids. Whatever it might be
that seems excessive for the kid, but whatever.
Speaker 2 (38:21):
It's just a good example.
Speaker 4 (38:22):
Yeah, yeah, that really works for me and my brain,
and so I need to start kind of really implementing
that a bit more bucketing things. Yeah, bucketing I think
for me will be really huge. And I think I
haven't had my own money and my own control over
my money for like ten plus years.
Speaker 2 (38:38):
So you are living. I'm actually going to set you
up with my Money Masterclass, which has a whole budget
and cash flow system for you, and it does it automated,
so it is a very bucket system and it integrates
really well with upbank. You can use any bank literally,
but like once you get your fun money as well,
because I have a food, fuel and fun account and
(38:59):
we put our in there every week, and like I've
done it based on my spending as someone who is
pretty neurospicy, Like this is how I got to manage it,
and it seems to work across the board. But it's
going to show you how it breaks down and kind
of put away the stuff that you need to put away,
but then give you access to the things that you
need access to. And I think that that will actually
(39:21):
turbocharge your budgeting and cash flow because it plugs into
what you're already using. And like, we love a spreadsheet
and it has a whole kids section, Like you are
going to be absolutely killing it, and I can't wait.
Money durist at the start we got on and I
was like, oh, this is going to be a bit sad,
like this is not going to be great. You know,
(39:42):
she's told us that she thinks she's a cautionary tale.
She just said, oh, my money grade's probably DDUS. I'm sorry.
What kind of D minus negotiates and gets sixty percent
of their ex husband's super inuation? What kind of D
minus gets a four thousand dollars a month child support payment?
(40:03):
Because they were like absolutely not. Who is that smart
that they go to their best friend that they did
university with and says, actually, can you let me know
what your career trajectory looked? Like, okay, you were on
two hundred and ten thousand dollars and then takes that
to mediation and says, this is where I could have been,
this is what I'm missing out. Sorry, is that deep
minus behavior? Like you might not feel like you're that
(40:24):
good at it, but I'm pretty good at judging people's
you know, money stories, and yours is telling me that
you are like very very A plus. I mean, you
might not feel like you're there yet because you're like,
look the I haven't got the house, I haven't got
the savings. Like I just I feel like I'm behind.
But like, you're thirty five, You've got a clean slate,
you've got a great super fund, you've got two beautiful kids,
(40:45):
and you are able to afford a very comfortable lifestyle.
What do you actually reckon you are after this conversation?
Speaker 4 (40:53):
Okay, I love the reframe because I had not considered
any of that stuff as part of my financial grading.
I was more thinking of my day to day spending habits.
Speaker 2 (41:03):
Do I spend too much?
Speaker 4 (41:04):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (41:05):
I go to sandwich today.
Speaker 4 (41:06):
All right, I will give myself a B plus because
I do feel like I'm proud of myself and negotiating
real hard.
Speaker 2 (41:13):
Oh, you are an icon, and I hope that people
listen to this and if ever they find themselves in
a similar position, which obviously we don't wish on anyone,
but if you do, here's an example of who we
want to be in those moments like we want to
channel out inner money arrested like literally asking for what
you deserve. You weon't even asking for more. You were
(41:34):
just like, this is where I would have been career wise,
So if we could just make sure that I'm not
missing out, that would be fantastic. Thank you.
Speaker 4 (41:40):
Yeah, and I think it's about just no one wants
to think about this happening. I certainly didn't. I certainly
never thought this was in my life. And there were
many times throughout my relationship where I was like, I'm
really being a bad feminist. I need to have my
own account because like, what if you go crazy one
day and I have to leave? And he was always like,
don't be silly, Oh.
Speaker 2 (41:58):
Don't be silly. You know why you didn't have to
be silly because he was.
Speaker 4 (42:02):
Yeah, So I would just say to all women, just
have your own account with something in it for one
day exactly.
Speaker 2 (42:11):
I feel like this has been a really good chat.
I'm so sad that we don't have more time to
chat about literally everything including skin needling, but alas we've
run out of time. Thank you so much for joining us.
I have absolutely adored this money diary. I feel like yes,
it serves as a cautionary tale to make sure that
you have your own emergency fund, you've got access to
(42:31):
your cash, and that we aren't letting all of those
little steps lead us completely off path. But also that
when these things happen, we don't bury our heads in
the sand, because if we do, we end up in
a worse off position. And you've proved that by not
burying your head in the sand, like you've put yourself
not only on a clean slate, but you have put
yourself in a position where you are going to thrive.
(42:52):
And I cannot wait to see it. So stay in contact,
my friend.
Speaker 4 (42:56):
I will when I finally buy the house, I will
tell you.
Speaker 2 (42:58):
Oh, I'm so excited. Please tell me. And I hope
that we cross paths in person at some point. So
thank you so much.
Speaker 4 (43:05):
Thank you.
Speaker 5 (43:12):
The advice shared on She's on the Money is general
in nature and does not consider your individual circumstances. She's
on the Money exists purely for educational purposes and should
not be relied upon to make an investment or financial decision.
If you do choose to buy a financial product, read
the PDS TMD and obtain appropriate financial advice.
Speaker 2 (43:31):
Tailored towards your needs.
Speaker 5 (43:33):
Victoria Divine and She's on the Money are authorized representatives
of money. Sheper Pty Ltd ABN three two one is
six four nine two seven seven zero eight AFSL four
five one two eight nine
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