December 15, 2025 • 10 mins
Welcome to Lucky Dip - our bite-sized weekly (sometimes fortnightly) pod! Each ep, we'll take turns sticking our mitts into the goodie bucket and unwrapping a topic to chinwag about. You never know what you're gonna get, so enjoy five minutes of randomness that we hope will bring a lil' nugget of joy to your day. Enjoy!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Lucky Dip Tom, It's Lucky Dip Tam. Thanks for joining
us for a bat size.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Of a parodcast.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
It's Malam Monty.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Hi. Everyone doing Lucky Dip today? A funny one.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
Oh great, because normally they're dark with terrible endings.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Yes, a departure. It's great welcomed relief. Yes well. I
stumbled upon this Instagram page called fesshole, and it's like
people who have submitted confessions about stuff. Some are stupid,
most are really funny. I posted this one on my
Instagram not that long ago, but it's this is the
(00:46):
vibe we're going for. My post vaseectome guidance said to
ejaculate at least twice a week for twelve weeks. My
wife had agreed to sort out all necessary ejaculations. I
reprinted the leaflet, so it's said twice a day, best
twelve weeks of my life. Oh that poor bitch be exhausted.
(01:10):
They both would be, Oh my god. Okay. And then
some are a bit well, not dark, but okay. Ex
fiance turned into an anti vaxxl wanker and conspiracy theory dickhead.
He thinks his daughter is unvaccinated. She isn't I got
her vaccinated behind his back before I finally made the
right decision to dump him. A child cannot be raised
around that kind of stupid bullshit.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
So where did so they send them to this woman?
This account?
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Do they? Well? I don't know. I think it might
have even started as like a Twitter account or something.
But they must send them in anonymously. This is like
most of them are like recent submissions, but then they've
got ones called Fess whole Gold. Right, so a lot
of these are from like twenty twenty or whatever, but
they're like so good, the cream of the crop. This,
(02:00):
I'm just going to run through them, right Yeah. Sent
my tits to a fella I was flirty with. After
two hours, he replied, can we just be friends? Can
you imagine a bigger kick to the confidence?
Speaker 1 (02:15):
Oh god, god, it's so awful.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Dumped my first serious girlfriend using some shit excuse, when
in reality it was that I was doing her from behind.
She turned around to look at me and hand on heart.
I don't know why, but she looked like the absolute
fucking double of Graham Norton and I can't get my
(02:40):
Oh my god, it's my day off. I found some
weed in my son's bedroom this morning and smoked it
in the back garden. I've been stoned off my box
for two hours and eaten all of the cheese left
over from Christmas. Fucking brilliant. I'm forty nine. Best day
off ever. I really I was very into that one.
I was like, that sounds awesome.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
So good because the kid can also go, hey, where's
my weed going?
Speaker 2 (03:05):
Yeah? No, I confiscated it into my lungs. My husband
has started to try and talk dirty to me during sex.
I find it a massive turn off, so try to
finish quickly. The thing is he thinks that I like
it because I finish quickly. I just wanted to share.
The fuck up, it's too late.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
If you've been together a long time, you can't do that.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
And how can you not communicate that I'm not into that?
Speaker 1 (03:32):
Yeah, no, just say it.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
I'm just that anyway. This is also a good one too.
At least once a year, I take a day's and
you'll leave without telling my wife and two kids. I
leave the house in my suit and then spend the
day doing whatever I feel like doing. Previous days have
involved going to the cinema on my own and eating
sixteen slices of pizza or pizza hut. I like that
(03:55):
because you do it with no guilt, because when you
say to someone I've got the day off, it's potentially
oh oh well this needs done, that needs to be done.
Time to fix the door.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
Now, Yes, he just is slightly similar, bit different. Sam
got his haircut yesterday and his hairdresser was like where.
She hated school. She was bullied at school and stuff.
So she left when she was thirteen. But she got
a job at the local hairdressers, one of the hairdressers nearby,
(04:27):
but she told the lady she was fifteen. Her sister
signed off everything for her, so she said she was fifteen.
So every day she would put on her school uniform,
oh my god, and leave the house and go to
her job. And then the lady offered her an apprenticeship.
She was only thirteen, so again her sister signed everything off.
At thirteen, she got a hairdressing apprenticeship. Her parents had
(04:49):
no idea, absolutely no idea, because every morning she would
leave in her school uniform and get changed and then
go to this job. Contacting the parent this was a Sadly,
her sister was home most of the time. So her
sister would intercept any calls and mail that would come.
But one day she wasn't and the parents got the
(05:11):
letter from the school saying she's just never attending. So
she got busted eventually, but they were like, well, you
knuckles deep into your apprenticeship, you might as well keep going.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
And is this her own hairdressing salon?
Speaker 1 (05:22):
Now, no, it's not, but she said, I can take
it anywhere with me. I've been around the world doing
hair so like, yeah, paid off for it. She's like,
I hated school, hated it, and then loves what she does.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
School is I mean, you know, like I wouldn't give
my kids the choice obviously, but school's not for everyone.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
Oh my god, not at allly not.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
You know how funny is it when someone gets a
new haircut and it's like you look at them and
you're like, mm, I don't know, You've.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
Got to grow into it.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
You're like saying you really need you keep saying you
really need a haircut, you really need a haircut, and
then they get the haircut and you're like, oh, totally looks.
I don't know, a few days to adjust you warm
into it.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
I know.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
We have some racist neighbors who are well into their
five G conspiracy theories. So we changed our WiFi row
to name to broadcast five G mind control experiment. They
moved out a few weeks later. This is fucking terrible.
What a fucking idiot fake proposed to my girlfriend for
a joke on holiday. She started crying and was so happy,
(06:27):
felt so bad. I couldn't tell her it was a joke. Anyway,
We're getting married next year, right. He deserves it. He
does deserve it. I read that to Mark too, Mark,
So what a fucking idiot? Why did he do? That's
that's ridiculous. Yeah, it's fucking people are diabolical. My wife
and I were having a row. I drove past her
on my way home. Yeah, rao, I think this is
(06:49):
English based too, because there's lots of English sounding words.
I drove past her on my way home while she
was walking the dog. The dog shit and she didn't
pick it up. I made in a non post on
our local Facebook community forum calling her out. She saw
it and has been sulking about it for weeks. Petty Win,
that is so good. That is that is diabolicus? Yes,
(07:12):
this is this is brilliant. I think I supply and
fit kitchens for a living. If I find you rude, snobby, condescending,
or obnoxious, I add a five hundred pound epic twat
Is it twat or twat.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
Twat twat trot either are.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
I'm gonna say, twat epic five hundred pound epic twat
tax to your invoice. I then pay it forward by
knocking that five hundred pound off the quote of somebody polite,
friendly and hard. Oh wow, good little system. I'm like,
that is a good system.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
But it's terrifying because it just goes to show you've
got no idea with trade is what they're charging or anything.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
Yeah, I know, but also like, don't be an asshole
and you'll be right true you go. Husband has always
been an angry, pompous there's that word again. Twat thinks
he's the love of my life. He doesn't know that.
I've written a published book that basically is just a
fictional list of characters who all meet their deaths in
the ways in which I wish he'd die in terrible answers,
(08:10):
why would you not leave if you hated someone that much?
In sixth form, which is like year twelve, I think
I think. A friend identified increasing scuff marks on the
ceiling of my car as being from legs akimbo. Despite
never having had a girlfriend, I quickly gained a reputation
(08:30):
in the school as a dark horse who was having
regular automotive hanky panky. I was a virgin. It was
my man's car. You would never tell anyone. God, oh
my god, this one is so good. On the beach,
I needed to take a huge ship. I headed to
(08:51):
the sand dunes and did my business. I cleaned myself
up and was about to run off when a German
shepherd bounded over the dunes, followed by an old man
who picked up my sheit with his gloved hand and
apologized to me profusely. It haunts me man, just picking
(09:12):
up like a giant human human turd and going, I'm
so sorry dog.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
That makes me feel sick.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
Oh my god, I'm a teacher, and it's only a
matter of time before I tell a nine year old
to fuck the fuck off. Oh serious thought for the
fucking teachers.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
Oh my god, seriously, I do I think of their
actual angels So great, you've got to do another round
of those, Yeah, definite more so funny. I remember that
book Post Secret. I had it. It was an old
school thing. It used to be a website which was
similar to this, where people would write in anonymous secrets
and then they made it into a book. This was
(09:48):
like twenty years ago.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
I love that idea of anonymously getting something. I mean,
like a lot of those were just funny little stories,
but getting things off your chest like that.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
If anyone's got anything that they want to get off
their chest, we can keep you anonymous and hit us up.
Show and tell podcasts no because I'll see welcome, but
I can we welcome it totally, totally all right, We're
getting out of here. Thank you so much. We have
a Patreon where we do an extra podcast every couple
of weeks over there and it just helps with the
(10:20):
running of the podcast. Otherwise, share the potty with your friends,
give us a rating, give us a comment. It's so appreciated,
and we'll chat to you soon.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Love you us.
Lucky Dip Tom, It's Lucky Dip Tam. Thanks for joining
us for a bat size.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Of a parodcast.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
It's Malam Monty.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Hi. Everyone doing Lucky Dip today? A funny one.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
Oh great, because normally they're dark with terrible endings.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Yes, a departure. It's great welcomed relief. Yes well. I
stumbled upon this Instagram page called fesshole, and it's like
people who have submitted confessions about stuff. Some are stupid,
most are really funny. I posted this one on my
Instagram not that long ago, but it's this is the
(00:46):
vibe we're going for. My post vaseectome guidance said to
ejaculate at least twice a week for twelve weeks. My
wife had agreed to sort out all necessary ejaculations. I
reprinted the leaflet, so it's said twice a day, best
twelve weeks of my life. Oh that poor bitch be exhausted.
(01:10):
They both would be, Oh my god. Okay. And then
some are a bit well, not dark, but okay. Ex
fiance turned into an anti vaxxl wanker and conspiracy theory dickhead.
He thinks his daughter is unvaccinated. She isn't I got
her vaccinated behind his back before I finally made the
right decision to dump him. A child cannot be raised
around that kind of stupid bullshit.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
So where did so they send them to this woman?
This account?
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Do they? Well? I don't know. I think it might
have even started as like a Twitter account or something.
But they must send them in anonymously. This is like
most of them are like recent submissions, but then they've
got ones called Fess whole Gold. Right, so a lot
of these are from like twenty twenty or whatever, but
they're like so good, the cream of the crop. This,
(02:00):
I'm just going to run through them, right Yeah. Sent
my tits to a fella I was flirty with. After
two hours, he replied, can we just be friends? Can
you imagine a bigger kick to the confidence?
Speaker 1 (02:15):
Oh god, god, it's so awful.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Dumped my first serious girlfriend using some shit excuse, when
in reality it was that I was doing her from behind.
She turned around to look at me and hand on heart.
I don't know why, but she looked like the absolute
fucking double of Graham Norton and I can't get my
(02:40):
Oh my god, it's my day off. I found some
weed in my son's bedroom this morning and smoked it
in the back garden. I've been stoned off my box
for two hours and eaten all of the cheese left
over from Christmas. Fucking brilliant. I'm forty nine. Best day
off ever. I really I was very into that one.
I was like, that sounds awesome.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
So good because the kid can also go, hey, where's
my weed going?
Speaker 2 (03:05):
Yeah? No, I confiscated it into my lungs. My husband
has started to try and talk dirty to me during sex.
I find it a massive turn off, so try to
finish quickly. The thing is he thinks that I like
it because I finish quickly. I just wanted to share.
The fuck up, it's too late.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
If you've been together a long time, you can't do that.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
And how can you not communicate that I'm not into that?
Speaker 1 (03:32):
Yeah, no, just say it.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
I'm just that anyway. This is also a good one too.
At least once a year, I take a day's and
you'll leave without telling my wife and two kids. I
leave the house in my suit and then spend the
day doing whatever I feel like doing. Previous days have
involved going to the cinema on my own and eating
sixteen slices of pizza or pizza hut. I like that
(03:55):
because you do it with no guilt, because when you
say to someone I've got the day off, it's potentially
oh oh well this needs done, that needs to be done.
Time to fix the door.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
Now, Yes, he just is slightly similar, bit different. Sam
got his haircut yesterday and his hairdresser was like where.
She hated school. She was bullied at school and stuff.
So she left when she was thirteen. But she got
a job at the local hairdressers, one of the hairdressers nearby,
(04:27):
but she told the lady she was fifteen. Her sister
signed off everything for her, so she said she was fifteen.
So every day she would put on her school uniform,
oh my god, and leave the house and go to
her job. And then the lady offered her an apprenticeship.
She was only thirteen, so again her sister signed everything off.
At thirteen, she got a hairdressing apprenticeship. Her parents had
(04:49):
no idea, absolutely no idea, because every morning she would
leave in her school uniform and get changed and then
go to this job. Contacting the parent this was a Sadly,
her sister was home most of the time. So her
sister would intercept any calls and mail that would come.
But one day she wasn't and the parents got the
(05:11):
letter from the school saying she's just never attending. So
she got busted eventually, but they were like, well, you
knuckles deep into your apprenticeship, you might as well keep going.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
And is this her own hairdressing salon?
Speaker 1 (05:22):
Now, no, it's not, but she said, I can take
it anywhere with me. I've been around the world doing
hair so like, yeah, paid off for it. She's like,
I hated school, hated it, and then loves what she does.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
School is I mean, you know, like I wouldn't give
my kids the choice obviously, but school's not for everyone.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
Oh my god, not at allly not.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
You know how funny is it when someone gets a
new haircut and it's like you look at them and
you're like, mm, I don't know, You've.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
Got to grow into it.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
You're like saying you really need you keep saying you
really need a haircut, you really need a haircut, and
then they get the haircut and you're like, oh, totally looks.
I don't know, a few days to adjust you warm
into it.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
I know.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
We have some racist neighbors who are well into their
five G conspiracy theories. So we changed our WiFi row
to name to broadcast five G mind control experiment. They
moved out a few weeks later. This is fucking terrible.
What a fucking idiot fake proposed to my girlfriend for
a joke on holiday. She started crying and was so happy,
(06:27):
felt so bad. I couldn't tell her it was a joke. Anyway,
We're getting married next year, right. He deserves it. He
does deserve it. I read that to Mark too, Mark,
So what a fucking idiot? Why did he do? That's
that's ridiculous. Yeah, it's fucking people are diabolical. My wife
and I were having a row. I drove past her
on my way home. Yeah, rao, I think this is
(06:49):
English based too, because there's lots of English sounding words.
I drove past her on my way home while she
was walking the dog. The dog shit and she didn't
pick it up. I made in a non post on
our local Facebook community forum calling her out. She saw
it and has been sulking about it for weeks. Petty Win,
that is so good. That is that is diabolicus? Yes,
(07:12):
this is this is brilliant. I think I supply and
fit kitchens for a living. If I find you rude, snobby, condescending,
or obnoxious, I add a five hundred pound epic twat
Is it twat or twat.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
Twat twat trot either are.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
I'm gonna say, twat epic five hundred pound epic twat
tax to your invoice. I then pay it forward by
knocking that five hundred pound off the quote of somebody polite,
friendly and hard. Oh wow, good little system. I'm like,
that is a good system.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
But it's terrifying because it just goes to show you've
got no idea with trade is what they're charging or anything.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
Yeah, I know, but also like, don't be an asshole
and you'll be right true you go. Husband has always
been an angry, pompous there's that word again. Twat thinks
he's the love of my life. He doesn't know that.
I've written a published book that basically is just a
fictional list of characters who all meet their deaths in
the ways in which I wish he'd die in terrible answers,
(08:10):
why would you not leave if you hated someone that much?
In sixth form, which is like year twelve, I think
I think. A friend identified increasing scuff marks on the
ceiling of my car as being from legs akimbo. Despite
never having had a girlfriend, I quickly gained a reputation
(08:30):
in the school as a dark horse who was having
regular automotive hanky panky. I was a virgin. It was
my man's car. You would never tell anyone. God, oh
my god, this one is so good. On the beach,
I needed to take a huge ship. I headed to
(08:51):
the sand dunes and did my business. I cleaned myself
up and was about to run off when a German
shepherd bounded over the dunes, followed by an old man
who picked up my sheit with his gloved hand and
apologized to me profusely. It haunts me man, just picking
(09:12):
up like a giant human human turd and going, I'm
so sorry dog.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
That makes me feel sick.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
Oh my god, I'm a teacher, and it's only a
matter of time before I tell a nine year old
to fuck the fuck off. Oh serious thought for the
fucking teachers.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
Oh my god, seriously, I do I think of their
actual angels So great, you've got to do another round
of those, Yeah, definite more so funny. I remember that
book Post Secret. I had it. It was an old
school thing. It used to be a website which was
similar to this, where people would write in anonymous secrets
and then they made it into a book. This was
(09:48):
like twenty years ago.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
I love that idea of anonymously getting something. I mean,
like a lot of those were just funny little stories,
but getting things off your chest like that.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
If anyone's got anything that they want to get off
their chest, we can keep you anonymous and hit us up.
Show and tell podcasts no because I'll see welcome, but
I can we welcome it totally, totally all right, We're
getting out of here. Thank you so much. We have
a Patreon where we do an extra podcast every couple
of weeks over there and it just helps with the
(10:20):
running of the podcast. Otherwise, share the potty with your friends,
give us a rating, give us a comment. It's so appreciated,
and we'll chat to you soon.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Love you us.
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