July 2, 2025 • 22 mins
It’s an emotional one this week, as Monty shares a beautiful clip from author Maggie Dent that made her think about the shit we get hung up on with our kids - and how much does it really matter? We also chat about the privilege and punish of parenting teens, navigating different communication styles and Mel shares a ‘method’ that could improve the way we share with one another. Enjoy!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
It's show and tell time, show us and we'll tell
you if we like it or not. It's smelling monty.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
We don't often talk about it much, but remember how
good show and tell was at school and the pressure
to show and tell something good.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
Yes, I don't remember one thing I took, but sometimes
people would bring in like their baby brother or sister
and be like fuck they win.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Yeah, if it was a living thing, a living thing
or somebody or a lizard or something like that, mine
would have been like a doll or something basic. Yeah,
it would have been you know what Yours would have
been like mine? A last minute show and tell. Just
grab take my elf doll? Is that important to you?
Because I like you?
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Because that's where I hide my chocolate wrappers.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
In the elf nappy, in the elf nappy.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
So funny, up with today's facts.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
This is such a beautiful fact, right, Okay, I recently
heard this from you know, guy Simon Sinek. Have you
heard of him? No? Oh, anyways, one of these thought people. Anyway,
he was talking about how at Disneyland there is a
rule for hugging in place. So if you're a character,
so you're you're playing Mickey Mouse or Cinderella or whatever. Yeah. Right,
(01:18):
there's a rule that if a kid comes up and
hugs you, you're not allowed to let go of the
hug until the kid goes first. Oh that's gorgeous, so beautiful.
And he was saying, so do that with the people
that matter.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
And I thought, yeah, God, that gave me goosebumps.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
How many times like say, oh, hug my son is
a real big hugger.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
I'll hug.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
But then I'm like, okay.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
Yeah that's to do. I do that with my four
year old too, like last night, and he grabs me
around the neck to pull me in and I just
love it so much, but yeah, I tire before he
does you a hug.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
I really judge people on their hugs.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Yeah, oh god if it's a awkward just like I
hugged a friend the other day or more an acquaintance
and there was no touching of the chest. Oh, And
I was like, that was a weird awkward hug.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
A limp dick hug. And I understand people. Some people
don't like physical affection.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
That's fine.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
I'm not really judging you. But a hug, when you
think about it, is so intimate, like it's very intimate
the kissing.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
I agree, like a full blown hug. But is there
there's nothing better to me than a hug that you
can feel the love.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Oh, it's it's so it can it's everything. You can
hug your kids one way, your friends, there's a hug celebration.
Hug your bodies are up against each other, your hearts
like it's yes.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
It's really regulating as well, Like sometimes when Odie hugs me,
I'm like aware passing off regulation to each other. Yes,
you know, like there's and love and serotonin and all
the things, like there's so much much in it scientifically
behind a hug as well. But I love it when
like I don't see Stace, my best mate, enough, so
(03:07):
when we see each other, it's like it's we hold
on for like an extra five to ten seconds where
you can feel, you can really feel it. It's a
beautiful thing.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
I was about to say, though, it's so typical me
bring it down because when you said it's so regulating
or whatever, I was like, yeah, and also sometimes suffocating.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
Oh my god, if I get touched when I don't
want to, Yeah, it's like it's going to be on
my terms. It's my term hug. That's so funny.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
Good and then when you don't want to let go,
just stay there are too funny.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Yeah, exactly. So Maggie Dent, who is like the parenting guru,
like she's had all boys and she her main focus
is boys. But anyway, she's doing a lot of work
for regularly on thirty six months, which is that initiative
of changing the age of social media? Is that right? Yeah? Okay,
(04:03):
so my mate Whipper was behind that. Anyway, I've just
started following the Instagram because they just put up great
little tidbits and I just wanted to play this interview
on a podcast that Maggie Dent was on. Kind of
starts a little bit funny, but she was obviously talking
about like definitely connecting with your kids, but also not
(04:26):
getting stuck down on the small things because sometimes we
put rules in place and then you kind of question, well,
why have we got that rule in place? Is that
because other people do? Does it even matter to us?
But anyway, this is what she said, and I loved it.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
It's apparent to knowing that they were wobbling that much,
you know, there wouldn't have been the extra curfew or
the extra you know, and the extra whatever and growling and.
Speaker 4 (04:58):
You can't see it underneath. And that was that psychological vulnerability.
So one of my last lines for this presentation, it's
really tough.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
I have everyone crying. I'm a terrible person.
Speaker 4 (05:07):
I put it up and say, he actually knew when
he had one more week with your teen on this
earth and they were going to leave.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
What would you do? And what we just say? Please
start today?
Speaker 1 (05:24):
That makes me cry.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
Bringing in that fucking music.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
The music.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
Does it. But last night I watched it last night
while the kids were doing things because backs as a
teenager now, and a part of me feels like I've
really lost him, and I keep thinking to myself, I
(05:50):
can't wait till he comes back to me. But then
there's no guarantees of that either, you know, he so
it scares me a bit. But he was sitting after
footy training and he is really grumpy at home, like
this is his place just to be him. So I
never get the best of.
Speaker 5 (06:05):
Him, and sometimes I'm like, we spoke ten words to
each other today, Max, and it upsets me, you know,
But I also know he's so exhausted when he gets home.
I don't want to push him to share things with
me or talk to me, because I know he doesn't
want to. But he was sitting up and he was
having his dinner, and normally I'm like, this is so little.
(06:25):
But I've watched that and I was like, oh, my God,
would I treat him and talk to him the way
I do if I actually knew I only had one week.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
Left with him? And I just felt so sad and
I looked at him and then I'm like, oh, put
away your dinner plates made, when normally I would be like,
put your dinner plates away, get in the shower. And
I just noticed that I was speaking to him in
a different tone. And it's so not going to be
something I keep up. I know it's not, because life happens,
(06:58):
but I'm like, if I could just have in the
back of my mind, if I only had a week
left with my kids, how would I treat them.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
I feel really conflicted about that because straightaway I feel
the same as you, and we all take each other
for granted totally that's what happens. But when I also
do hear stuff like that, I'm like, you can't live
that way. It's such an unrealistic expectation. To put on
(07:27):
relationships to live in that even though it's the ideal.
If in reality you knew that you only had one
week left with your kid, it would be all bets
were off. Yeah, like, don't worry about doing that. I
understand the sentiment behind it. You wouldn't worry about don't
worry about doing this, don't worry about doing that. Let's
(07:48):
just sit in a bubble and spend time together and stuff.
You can't live like that.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
No, And I think taking it completely literally, that's of course,
like they have to do stuff. Life has to go on.
But it's almost a shift in the feeling. It's just
paying more attention. I think it's paying more attention and
being more present and also questioning does that really matter?
(08:16):
Like does it really matter? But to me, I have
like one of my values and morals or whatever you
want to call it, is teaching my kids how to
be independent. And what comes with that is doing making
your own bed, cleaning your own room, putting your dinner
dishes away, really basic stuff. But that to me is
a value of mine. Yeah, so I don't think it's
(08:37):
dropping that even though I put his dishes away, but
I feel like looking at them in a different way,
because often I just look at them like you're a
fucking nuisance, and it's going, well, yeah you're not. I
love you and I don't show you that that much.
And if I was only to have a limited time
with you, which we do, but we don't take into consideration,
(09:00):
I treat you differently and I would.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
I think you are probably I won't speak for you,
but I assume you're probably the same as me. I
know that, like in terms of my parenting, probably for
the last couple of years, it feels very different now
to what it used to be, right and not in
a good way. But I also acknowledge that the teenagers
are really challenging so hard, right and it's like if
(09:27):
you just if you just did the simple thing, like
you know, pick up your shit from the floor or whatever, like,
things would be so much more pleasant. But you know,
we were probably the same in certain ways. But I
know that if tomorrow I died, say I die in
my sleep tonight, I'm good with the people that I
feel confident that everybody that I truly love and that
(09:50):
loves me knows it. So I could have had the
biggest bust up with my kid the night before. I
know that they know I love them and they know
the extent of that love. Yeah, I think that is
the main thing. Life's not going to be cruisy. You're
gonna have hiccups and stuff. It's when you can take
windows to do that. But it's also raising teenagers. It's
(10:15):
such a privilege, but it's a punish because anything you
try and say to them, even when you go back
to your own experiences and go, I remember what it
was like to be a kid, it's really hard. Whatever
we are the old people, Yeah, we don't know what
we're talking about. We will never understand. And we were
the same with our parents.
Speaker 1 (10:32):
Yeah, totally, I know. It's just you know, like we
haven't done it before either, Like every single person who
is a parent, every kid is different. But also you're
your oldest kid or oldest whatever you say. You haven't
parented that age before. Like I've never parented a thirteen
(10:53):
year old before, so I don't have any idea what
I'm doing. Like I have the basic foundations, but I've
never done it before. With our lot feels a bit
easier because I have been there before, but only once,
and he's a different kid. It's even somebody who's got
their oldest kids thirty three. They've never parented a thirty
three year old before. Like, No, I look around sometimes
and I think, Fuck, everyone's got this parenting caper more
(11:15):
sortid than I do.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Nobody has Nobody has got it sorted. Nobody our parents
don't have it sorted. They're still trying to figure us.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
Out totally because they haven't parented somebody our age before.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
And also when you look at it from sort of
the other side, I heard this, Uh. I think his
name's doctor Gabor Mattei. He does some really interesting stuff.
But he was talking about how you know, like you've
got three siblings in a family and they're all different.
How can they be all different when they're raised the
same way? And he's like, because you, the parent are different.
(11:50):
You were a different parent to each of those kids,
because you were in a different stage of your life
when you had backs, it was just you and Sam,
and then the baby came and he got more attention
and more whatever are lokain You were different people. Maybe
you're more financially settled, maybe you know things have changed
with work, whatever it's like, and now Odi is different again,
(12:11):
You're a different person as really yes, So I think
the main barometer is those things that you value, those
morals that you're talking about. You want them to be
independent and stuff. Just go with that stuff. If that's
the main stuff, go with that. The rest they're going
to sort of learn through life, Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1 (12:29):
Well, and they're going to learn. We all learn a
lot of you know, the hard ways as well. But
I look at them and I want to protect them
from that, but I can't. But I just, yeah, I
think that I need to pull on that a little
bit more, a bit more of trying to get out
of the grind. Like I feel like I'm constantly in
(12:50):
the grind and getting through the day to go to
bed to start it again, Like I need to just
try and pull a little bit more of joy out
of it or even to yeah, not just be in
the motions, to feel a bit more love with them,
like you know, when you get so stuck in just
doing the jobs of parents, like that love's always there,
but you don't feel it all the time, like intensely.
(13:12):
Like when I heard that and I looked at backs,
I just felt a gush of love for him, and
I just am like I need to do that a
bit more, because it's like we're working towards something, but
what's that thing.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
It's funny I've heard someone say once, don't use the
word later. Yeah, well we'll do it later. We'll do
it later, because in the same way, my son's going
to be fifteen in a couple months and I look
at him and he still wants mum, do you want
to go for a walk? Mom? He wants time? Yeah,
And okay, all right, later, I've got to do this.
(13:49):
I've got a deadline. I'm sorry I can't. And I'm like, oh,
I know that I've got not very long.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
That's amazing you've had that long. It's asked me to
lay with him last night to go to sleep, and
I was like, yes, like such a keynote.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
Yeah, that's sometimes, and that's where they and that's when
they talk too.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
Oh he doesn't mate, he's silent, Bob. That's like we
just lay there in silence. But I'm like, this is
just our way of connecting right now, and that if
that's all it is, that's all it is.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
I think there's such a like it's so hard to
be what is deemed the right sort of way of
communicating so like I'm an over communicator, right, like I
will say everything. Yeah, my daughter, for example, she probably
finds it a bit harder to communicate her feelings or whatever.
(14:39):
She's more like my husband. Yeah, but there's no right way. No,
I'm like, sometimes I look at her and I think
I wish I had more control like that. Yeah, yeah,
you know, so there is no right way. It's almost
like just deciphering the best way to connect with her
totally what it is and meeting him.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
It's just hard when you don't communicate the same way.
Like it's so hard, you know. Sam the other day said,
you know, Bax doesn't talk to us like that, but
we should message him. And I'm like that's a good
idea because then he can just read it, you know.
Like Sam's taking him to Lenny Kravitz for his birthday
(15:19):
and in their email, Sam's like, I got you. I've
got tickets, like choose a friend and that's your party
and your present. And he wrote back, thanks so much, Dad,
and that is huge from him.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
Yeah. I think you never stop working on teaching them that. Like,
for example, to show appreciation, yeah is important, right, so
learn to do it verbally as well. But in this
process because thirteen is still so young, so right, so young.
That's where he's comfortable doing it.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
Yeah, and I've got to do it more. I've got
to connect with him more in the written world at
the moment because where AlOH my middle He's constantly like, thanks, ma'am,
I love your mom gets out of the cart. You know,
the other day I said, Hey, for your party, do
you want to go to time zone and do lasers
laser tag and stuff like that. That sounds like the
best idea, Mom, Thanks so much, Baxter. Every single time
(16:17):
I say to him, thanks mum, like I put food
in front of him, Thanks Mom. Like they're just so different.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
It's wild, I know, but they're both. You know, they've
got their own There'll be things about AlOH that he'll
wish that he had, or you'll think God was just
a little bit more like backs in that way or whatever.
It's like you could create the perfect person.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
I know, I just of both kids and molded into
exactly how you.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
Know, imagine how good they'd be. Oh my god, I
think everyone will relate. But speaking of relationships, I heard
such a great thing the other day. There's this guy
called Sahill Bloom. You would probably love him hot too,
is he Yeah?
Speaker 1 (17:02):
He wrote that he's got the blue eyes. Is it him?
Speaker 2 (17:05):
No? No, I think you're thinking of Jay Shehtty. He's
a handy and looking with the yeah, yes, no, no. Anyway,
he wrote this New York Times best selling book called
The Five Types of Wealth and it covers like financial, social, mental, whatever. Anyway,
there was this clip of him talking on a podcast
and it's called the Helped, Heard, or Hugged Method, and
(17:27):
he says, when someone you love comes to you with
a problem, literally ask them, row do you want to
be helped? Heard, or hugged? And I thought, there's so
many times when I think, with my husband, I'll go
to him with a problem. I don't want advice, no neither.
I just want to hear what I'm saying, Sata, Sam,
I just want you to listen. I don't want you
(17:48):
to fix this, right. So it's asking when someone comes
to talk to you, saying do you want to be helped?
Speaker 5 (17:54):
So?
Speaker 2 (17:55):
Do you want me to help you deconstruct this problem
and find a solution? Do you want to be heard?
Just listen and allowed to vent and just you know,
you don't have to validate them, but just someone allowing
you to speak, or do you want to be hugged?
Do you want like I mean that sort of feels.
Do you want to be hugged?
Speaker 1 (18:13):
Really want not in the mood to hug I.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
Know, I know, say okay, so here's the thing. I
have to tell you this problem. I want you to
sit there and not speak and don't touch me. And
then at the end I'd be like, oh, that's it,
Like what am I wrong? You're no responts. Yeah. I
just thought that clarity is could be such a game
change up. But also so fucking hard because if my
(18:37):
husband came to me with a problem and he said,
I just want you to hear me, it's so hard
to bite my tongue and not say have you tried
thinking about it?
Speaker 1 (18:46):
Like yes?
Speaker 2 (18:47):
Or maybe they didn't mean it that way or whatever.
I know, it's difficult. It's so because it's just human
nature to try and fix the problems, especially if it's
somebody that you love, you know, but I do. I
think it's really amazing. I should tell Sam about that.
I'd forget all the time, but we should maybe when
it's you know, work stuff or family stuff, like I
(19:11):
especially find with the kids. If I try to vent
to Sam, it's like he has to bring it back
to tie it up for me, And I'm like, I
just need to vent about them at the moment, like
I love them, I know everything's okay, but I need
to vent right now as opposed to going he'll go,
but look how far we've come and look at you
know what Bax has done this week and stuff. It's like,
I fucking know, I don't need this to be turned
(19:34):
around right now. I think he probably just gets sick
of me being such a nag that he tries to
bring it back around. But no, it's I think he's
his way of trying to console you or bring like
sort of give you some hope is b word, but
like sort of highlight but look at all this great
stuff that's happened totally, But you're like, okay, I acknowledge that,
(19:58):
but it's still fucking hard.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, And sometimes you're not in the mood
for a positive spin. It's sometimes and also sometimes I
don't know what he needs. Sam in our relationship is
the one who is the stable one, like he don't
have any mental health issues. He goes for a run
or to the gym, and he's just full of energy again,
(20:20):
and he's level headed. And he's also to me a
quite an evolved human, you know what I mean? And
I so when he talks about work or is saying something,
sometimes I'm like, I don't really know what to do
for you here. It's the same as Stacy, because they
don't often need things. Yeah, so I'm like, do you
want me to try and give you advice? I can't
(20:41):
give you advice. You're the one that gives advice, or
you're sad. I don't know what to do for you.
I'm always the one that's sad.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
But that also becomes a problem for them, I think,
because their show identity is the stage.
Speaker 1 (20:53):
Is the fixer. Yeah, yeah, you know. Yeah, yeah that's
a good thing, so is it? So do you want
to say them again, hugged, heard or helped, helped, hugged,
heard or helped?
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Yeah, okay, I mean pretty simple, but especially with your
kids too, when they're teenagers and they might say, oh,
this happened at school, and you can say them before
you tell me ask them those things. Yeah, even if
it's forget the hugged, even if you just want to say,
do you want me to help you through it or
do you just want me to listen?
Speaker 1 (21:25):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (21:25):
You know, and then how hard it is if they
say so I was at school and this kid said
blah blah and you just want to say, why don't
you tell that kid to get fucked?
Speaker 1 (21:35):
Fuck an asshole? All right? Thank you so much for
joining us on our podcast. Hey share this potty with
a friend or family if you think that they might
like it. I mean, just a break from the realities
that are going on in the world. And we love
hearing from your Show and Tell podcasts. Is where you
(21:56):
can find us on Instagram if you can give us
a rating or a comment wherever you listen to your
podcast too, that is just so helpful for us. So
thank you and the chat to you soon.
Speaker 3 (22:07):
Love you.
It's show and tell time, show us and we'll tell
you if we like it or not. It's smelling monty.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
We don't often talk about it much, but remember how
good show and tell was at school and the pressure
to show and tell something good.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
Yes, I don't remember one thing I took, but sometimes
people would bring in like their baby brother or sister
and be like fuck they win.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Yeah, if it was a living thing, a living thing
or somebody or a lizard or something like that, mine
would have been like a doll or something basic. Yeah,
it would have been you know what Yours would have
been like mine? A last minute show and tell. Just
grab take my elf doll? Is that important to you?
Because I like you?
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Because that's where I hide my chocolate wrappers.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
In the elf nappy, in the elf nappy.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
So funny, up with today's facts.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
This is such a beautiful fact, right, Okay, I recently
heard this from you know, guy Simon Sinek. Have you
heard of him? No? Oh, anyways, one of these thought people. Anyway,
he was talking about how at Disneyland there is a
rule for hugging in place. So if you're a character,
so you're you're playing Mickey Mouse or Cinderella or whatever. Yeah. Right,
(01:18):
there's a rule that if a kid comes up and
hugs you, you're not allowed to let go of the
hug until the kid goes first. Oh that's gorgeous, so beautiful.
And he was saying, so do that with the people
that matter.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
And I thought, yeah, God, that gave me goosebumps.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
How many times like say, oh, hug my son is
a real big hugger.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
I'll hug.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
But then I'm like, okay.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
Yeah that's to do. I do that with my four
year old too, like last night, and he grabs me
around the neck to pull me in and I just
love it so much, but yeah, I tire before he
does you a hug.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
I really judge people on their hugs.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Yeah, oh god if it's a awkward just like I
hugged a friend the other day or more an acquaintance
and there was no touching of the chest. Oh, And
I was like, that was a weird awkward hug.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
A limp dick hug. And I understand people. Some people
don't like physical affection.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
That's fine.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
I'm not really judging you. But a hug, when you
think about it, is so intimate, like it's very intimate
the kissing.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
I agree, like a full blown hug. But is there
there's nothing better to me than a hug that you
can feel the love.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Oh, it's it's so it can it's everything. You can
hug your kids one way, your friends, there's a hug celebration.
Hug your bodies are up against each other, your hearts
like it's yes.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
It's really regulating as well, Like sometimes when Odie hugs me,
I'm like aware passing off regulation to each other. Yes,
you know, like there's and love and serotonin and all
the things, like there's so much much in it scientifically
behind a hug as well. But I love it when
like I don't see Stace, my best mate, enough, so
(03:07):
when we see each other, it's like it's we hold
on for like an extra five to ten seconds where
you can feel, you can really feel it. It's a
beautiful thing.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
I was about to say, though, it's so typical me
bring it down because when you said it's so regulating
or whatever, I was like, yeah, and also sometimes suffocating.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
Oh my god, if I get touched when I don't
want to, Yeah, it's like it's going to be on
my terms. It's my term hug. That's so funny.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
Good and then when you don't want to let go,
just stay there are too funny.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Yeah, exactly. So Maggie Dent, who is like the parenting guru,
like she's had all boys and she her main focus
is boys. But anyway, she's doing a lot of work
for regularly on thirty six months, which is that initiative
of changing the age of social media? Is that right? Yeah? Okay,
(04:03):
so my mate Whipper was behind that. Anyway, I've just
started following the Instagram because they just put up great
little tidbits and I just wanted to play this interview
on a podcast that Maggie Dent was on. Kind of
starts a little bit funny, but she was obviously talking
about like definitely connecting with your kids, but also not
(04:26):
getting stuck down on the small things because sometimes we
put rules in place and then you kind of question, well,
why have we got that rule in place? Is that
because other people do? Does it even matter to us?
But anyway, this is what she said, and I loved it.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
It's apparent to knowing that they were wobbling that much,
you know, there wouldn't have been the extra curfew or
the extra you know, and the extra whatever and growling and.
Speaker 4 (04:58):
You can't see it underneath. And that was that psychological vulnerability.
So one of my last lines for this presentation, it's
really tough.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
I have everyone crying. I'm a terrible person.
Speaker 4 (05:07):
I put it up and say, he actually knew when
he had one more week with your teen on this
earth and they were going to leave.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
What would you do? And what we just say? Please
start today?
Speaker 1 (05:24):
That makes me cry.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
Bringing in that fucking music.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
The music.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
Does it. But last night I watched it last night
while the kids were doing things because backs as a
teenager now, and a part of me feels like I've
really lost him, and I keep thinking to myself, I
(05:50):
can't wait till he comes back to me. But then
there's no guarantees of that either, you know, he so
it scares me a bit. But he was sitting after
footy training and he is really grumpy at home, like
this is his place just to be him. So I
never get the best of.
Speaker 5 (06:05):
Him, and sometimes I'm like, we spoke ten words to
each other today, Max, and it upsets me, you know,
But I also know he's so exhausted when he gets home.
I don't want to push him to share things with
me or talk to me, because I know he doesn't
want to. But he was sitting up and he was
having his dinner, and normally I'm like, this is so little.
(06:25):
But I've watched that and I was like, oh, my God,
would I treat him and talk to him the way
I do if I actually knew I only had one week.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
Left with him? And I just felt so sad and
I looked at him and then I'm like, oh, put
away your dinner plates made, when normally I would be like,
put your dinner plates away, get in the shower. And
I just noticed that I was speaking to him in
a different tone. And it's so not going to be
something I keep up. I know it's not, because life happens,
(06:58):
but I'm like, if I could just have in the
back of my mind, if I only had a week
left with my kids, how would I treat them.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
I feel really conflicted about that because straightaway I feel
the same as you, and we all take each other
for granted totally that's what happens. But when I also
do hear stuff like that, I'm like, you can't live
that way. It's such an unrealistic expectation. To put on
(07:27):
relationships to live in that even though it's the ideal.
If in reality you knew that you only had one
week left with your kid, it would be all bets
were off. Yeah, like, don't worry about doing that. I
understand the sentiment behind it. You wouldn't worry about don't
worry about doing this, don't worry about doing that. Let's
(07:48):
just sit in a bubble and spend time together and stuff.
You can't live like that.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
No, And I think taking it completely literally, that's of course,
like they have to do stuff. Life has to go on.
But it's almost a shift in the feeling. It's just
paying more attention. I think it's paying more attention and
being more present and also questioning does that really matter?
(08:16):
Like does it really matter? But to me, I have
like one of my values and morals or whatever you
want to call it, is teaching my kids how to
be independent. And what comes with that is doing making
your own bed, cleaning your own room, putting your dinner
dishes away, really basic stuff. But that to me is
a value of mine. Yeah, so I don't think it's
(08:37):
dropping that even though I put his dishes away, but
I feel like looking at them in a different way,
because often I just look at them like you're a
fucking nuisance, and it's going, well, yeah you're not. I
love you and I don't show you that that much.
And if I was only to have a limited time
with you, which we do, but we don't take into consideration,
(09:00):
I treat you differently and I would.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
I think you are probably I won't speak for you,
but I assume you're probably the same as me. I
know that, like in terms of my parenting, probably for
the last couple of years, it feels very different now
to what it used to be, right and not in
a good way. But I also acknowledge that the teenagers
are really challenging so hard, right and it's like if
(09:27):
you just if you just did the simple thing, like
you know, pick up your shit from the floor or whatever, like,
things would be so much more pleasant. But you know,
we were probably the same in certain ways. But I
know that if tomorrow I died, say I die in
my sleep tonight, I'm good with the people that I
feel confident that everybody that I truly love and that
(09:50):
loves me knows it. So I could have had the
biggest bust up with my kid the night before. I
know that they know I love them and they know
the extent of that love. Yeah, I think that is
the main thing. Life's not going to be cruisy. You're
gonna have hiccups and stuff. It's when you can take
windows to do that. But it's also raising teenagers. It's
(10:15):
such a privilege, but it's a punish because anything you
try and say to them, even when you go back
to your own experiences and go, I remember what it
was like to be a kid, it's really hard. Whatever
we are the old people, Yeah, we don't know what
we're talking about. We will never understand. And we were
the same with our parents.
Speaker 1 (10:32):
Yeah, totally, I know. It's just you know, like we
haven't done it before either, Like every single person who
is a parent, every kid is different. But also you're
your oldest kid or oldest whatever you say. You haven't
parented that age before. Like I've never parented a thirteen
(10:53):
year old before, so I don't have any idea what
I'm doing. Like I have the basic foundations, but I've
never done it before. With our lot feels a bit
easier because I have been there before, but only once,
and he's a different kid. It's even somebody who's got
their oldest kids thirty three. They've never parented a thirty
three year old before. Like, No, I look around sometimes
and I think, Fuck, everyone's got this parenting caper more
(11:15):
sortid than I do.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Nobody has Nobody has got it sorted. Nobody our parents
don't have it sorted. They're still trying to figure us.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
Out totally because they haven't parented somebody our age before.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
And also when you look at it from sort of
the other side, I heard this, Uh. I think his
name's doctor Gabor Mattei. He does some really interesting stuff.
But he was talking about how you know, like you've
got three siblings in a family and they're all different.
How can they be all different when they're raised the
same way? And he's like, because you, the parent are different.
(11:50):
You were a different parent to each of those kids,
because you were in a different stage of your life
when you had backs, it was just you and Sam,
and then the baby came and he got more attention
and more whatever are lokain You were different people. Maybe
you're more financially settled, maybe you know things have changed
with work, whatever it's like, and now Odi is different again,
(12:11):
You're a different person as really yes, So I think
the main barometer is those things that you value, those
morals that you're talking about. You want them to be
independent and stuff. Just go with that stuff. If that's
the main stuff, go with that. The rest they're going
to sort of learn through life, Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1 (12:29):
Well, and they're going to learn. We all learn a
lot of you know, the hard ways as well. But
I look at them and I want to protect them
from that, but I can't. But I just, yeah, I
think that I need to pull on that a little
bit more, a bit more of trying to get out
of the grind. Like I feel like I'm constantly in
(12:50):
the grind and getting through the day to go to
bed to start it again, Like I need to just
try and pull a little bit more of joy out
of it or even to yeah, not just be in
the motions, to feel a bit more love with them,
like you know, when you get so stuck in just
doing the jobs of parents, like that love's always there,
but you don't feel it all the time, like intensely.
(13:12):
Like when I heard that and I looked at backs,
I just felt a gush of love for him, and
I just am like I need to do that a
bit more, because it's like we're working towards something, but
what's that thing.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
It's funny I've heard someone say once, don't use the
word later. Yeah, well we'll do it later. We'll do
it later, because in the same way, my son's going
to be fifteen in a couple months and I look
at him and he still wants mum, do you want
to go for a walk? Mom? He wants time? Yeah,
And okay, all right, later, I've got to do this.
(13:49):
I've got a deadline. I'm sorry I can't. And I'm like, oh,
I know that I've got not very long.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
That's amazing you've had that long. It's asked me to
lay with him last night to go to sleep, and
I was like, yes, like such a keynote.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
Yeah, that's sometimes, and that's where they and that's when
they talk too.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
Oh he doesn't mate, he's silent, Bob. That's like we
just lay there in silence. But I'm like, this is
just our way of connecting right now, and that if
that's all it is, that's all it is.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
I think there's such a like it's so hard to
be what is deemed the right sort of way of
communicating so like I'm an over communicator, right, like I
will say everything. Yeah, my daughter, for example, she probably
finds it a bit harder to communicate her feelings or whatever.
(14:39):
She's more like my husband. Yeah, but there's no right way. No,
I'm like, sometimes I look at her and I think
I wish I had more control like that. Yeah, yeah,
you know, so there is no right way. It's almost
like just deciphering the best way to connect with her
totally what it is and meeting him.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
It's just hard when you don't communicate the same way.
Like it's so hard, you know. Sam the other day said,
you know, Bax doesn't talk to us like that, but
we should message him. And I'm like that's a good
idea because then he can just read it, you know.
Like Sam's taking him to Lenny Kravitz for his birthday
(15:19):
and in their email, Sam's like, I got you. I've
got tickets, like choose a friend and that's your party
and your present. And he wrote back, thanks so much, Dad,
and that is huge from him.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
Yeah. I think you never stop working on teaching them that. Like,
for example, to show appreciation, yeah is important, right, so
learn to do it verbally as well. But in this
process because thirteen is still so young, so right, so young.
That's where he's comfortable doing it.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
Yeah, and I've got to do it more. I've got
to connect with him more in the written world at
the moment because where AlOH my middle He's constantly like, thanks, ma'am,
I love your mom gets out of the cart. You know,
the other day I said, Hey, for your party, do
you want to go to time zone and do lasers
laser tag and stuff like that. That sounds like the
best idea, Mom, Thanks so much, Baxter. Every single time
(16:17):
I say to him, thanks mum, like I put food
in front of him, Thanks Mom. Like they're just so different.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
It's wild, I know, but they're both. You know, they've
got their own There'll be things about AlOH that he'll
wish that he had, or you'll think God was just
a little bit more like backs in that way or whatever.
It's like you could create the perfect person.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
I know, I just of both kids and molded into
exactly how you.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
Know, imagine how good they'd be. Oh my god, I
think everyone will relate. But speaking of relationships, I heard
such a great thing the other day. There's this guy
called Sahill Bloom. You would probably love him hot too,
is he Yeah?
Speaker 1 (17:02):
He wrote that he's got the blue eyes. Is it him?
Speaker 2 (17:05):
No? No, I think you're thinking of Jay Shehtty. He's
a handy and looking with the yeah, yes, no, no. Anyway,
he wrote this New York Times best selling book called
The Five Types of Wealth and it covers like financial, social, mental, whatever. Anyway,
there was this clip of him talking on a podcast
and it's called the Helped, Heard, or Hugged Method, and
(17:27):
he says, when someone you love comes to you with
a problem, literally ask them, row do you want to
be helped? Heard, or hugged? And I thought, there's so
many times when I think, with my husband, I'll go
to him with a problem. I don't want advice, no neither.
I just want to hear what I'm saying, Sata, Sam,
I just want you to listen. I don't want you
(17:48):
to fix this, right. So it's asking when someone comes
to talk to you, saying do you want to be helped?
Speaker 5 (17:54):
So?
Speaker 2 (17:55):
Do you want me to help you deconstruct this problem
and find a solution? Do you want to be heard?
Just listen and allowed to vent and just you know,
you don't have to validate them, but just someone allowing
you to speak, or do you want to be hugged?
Do you want like I mean that sort of feels.
Do you want to be hugged?
Speaker 1 (18:13):
Really want not in the mood to hug I.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
Know, I know, say okay, so here's the thing. I
have to tell you this problem. I want you to
sit there and not speak and don't touch me. And
then at the end I'd be like, oh, that's it,
Like what am I wrong? You're no responts. Yeah. I
just thought that clarity is could be such a game
change up. But also so fucking hard because if my
(18:37):
husband came to me with a problem and he said,
I just want you to hear me, it's so hard
to bite my tongue and not say have you tried
thinking about it?
Speaker 1 (18:46):
Like yes?
Speaker 2 (18:47):
Or maybe they didn't mean it that way or whatever.
I know, it's difficult. It's so because it's just human
nature to try and fix the problems, especially if it's
somebody that you love, you know, but I do. I
think it's really amazing. I should tell Sam about that.
I'd forget all the time, but we should maybe when
it's you know, work stuff or family stuff, like I
(19:11):
especially find with the kids. If I try to vent
to Sam, it's like he has to bring it back
to tie it up for me, And I'm like, I
just need to vent about them at the moment, like
I love them, I know everything's okay, but I need
to vent right now as opposed to going he'll go,
but look how far we've come and look at you
know what Bax has done this week and stuff. It's like,
I fucking know, I don't need this to be turned
(19:34):
around right now. I think he probably just gets sick
of me being such a nag that he tries to
bring it back around. But no, it's I think he's
his way of trying to console you or bring like
sort of give you some hope is b word, but
like sort of highlight but look at all this great
stuff that's happened totally, But you're like, okay, I acknowledge that,
(19:58):
but it's still fucking hard.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, And sometimes you're not in the mood
for a positive spin. It's sometimes and also sometimes I
don't know what he needs. Sam in our relationship is
the one who is the stable one, like he don't
have any mental health issues. He goes for a run
or to the gym, and he's just full of energy again,
(20:20):
and he's level headed. And he's also to me a
quite an evolved human, you know what I mean? And
I so when he talks about work or is saying something,
sometimes I'm like, I don't really know what to do
for you here. It's the same as Stacy, because they
don't often need things. Yeah, so I'm like, do you
want me to try and give you advice? I can't
(20:41):
give you advice. You're the one that gives advice, or
you're sad. I don't know what to do for you.
I'm always the one that's sad.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
But that also becomes a problem for them, I think,
because their show identity is the stage.
Speaker 1 (20:53):
Is the fixer. Yeah, yeah, you know. Yeah, yeah that's
a good thing, so is it? So do you want
to say them again, hugged, heard or helped, helped, hugged,
heard or helped?
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Yeah, okay, I mean pretty simple, but especially with your
kids too, when they're teenagers and they might say, oh,
this happened at school, and you can say them before
you tell me ask them those things. Yeah, even if
it's forget the hugged, even if you just want to say,
do you want me to help you through it or
do you just want me to listen?
Speaker 1 (21:25):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (21:25):
You know, and then how hard it is if they
say so I was at school and this kid said
blah blah and you just want to say, why don't
you tell that kid to get fucked?
Speaker 1 (21:35):
Fuck an asshole? All right? Thank you so much for
joining us on our podcast. Hey share this potty with
a friend or family if you think that they might
like it. I mean, just a break from the realities
that are going on in the world. And we love
hearing from your Show and Tell podcasts. Is where you
(21:56):
can find us on Instagram if you can give us
a rating or a comment wherever you listen to your
podcast too, that is just so helpful for us. So
thank you and the chat to you soon.
Speaker 3 (22:07):
Love you.
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