July 31, 2025 • 29 mins
HELLO! Long time no Doozy!
Today, I bring you the story of a truly kick-ass woman in every sense of the word. A 51-year-old ER nurse who arrived home one day back in 2006, and was faced with a true nightmare scenario. The story of what unfolded - and how it came to be - is a solid 5/5 on the Doozy scale. Like most great tales, this one showcases the best and worst of humanity, centred around a powerhouse woman who will become your new hero. Enjoy!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello, and welcome to this one's a doozy. My name
is Mel and I am pumped to have you join
me on this very adult version of Storytime on the Mat,
primary school style, where I tell you about a true
tale that is so fascinating it'd be a shame if
you didn't know about it. It's been a while. If
you are one of the beautiful people that have been
(00:25):
sending messages asking what happened to these episodes, I'm very sorry.
I'm not glorifying being busy, but I have been very busy.
I came across a story the other day, an old story,
but fascinating enough to make me want to stay up
and tell what is it? It's two am and jump
on the mic and record this so I hope you
(00:48):
enjoy it. This story is a celebration, and before you
think she's gone all positive, don't worry. It's still fucked up.
But it's also a tribute to a woman who, back
in two thousand and six, did some that made Chuck
Norris look like Daniel LaRusso from The Karate Kid before
he met mister Miyagi. So in order to kick things off,
we have to whiz back in time to the afternoon
(01:09):
of September sixth, two thousand and six, lots of sixers
bit menacing already. Fifty one year old Susan Kunnhausen had
just finished her shift as an er nurse at the
Providence Portland Medical Center. She took off her scrubs, waved
goodbye to her colleagues, jumped in her car, and made
(01:31):
her way straight to the Perfect Look Hair Salon. Very
unimaginative name for a hairdressing salon, but whatever, And it
was here that I can only assume she had an
appointment to get her hair done. The ultimate picked me
up for a newly single lady. You see, Susan had
recently called it quits on her marriage to her dismal
limptic husband, Mike, and to give you some context to
(01:54):
their relationship, I must share the fairy tale of how
they met. So back in nineteen eighty eight, Susan was
thirty three and loving life. She had a great job, friends,
she loved hanging out at the local comedy club. But
something was missing. She wanted to meet a guy. She
wanted to settle down. She wanted to enjoy her life
doing shit like going on nature walks and bird watching
(02:18):
and you know, getting some regular diick action, not Susan's
actual words, but you can assume they were, because isn't
that what we all want? Anyway? This is the point
where Susan's mum and friend swooped in and were like,
sus let us handle this. We know exactly how to
find the guy that'll make all your dreams come true.
(02:40):
And so they put out a call for Susan's prince
charming in the local paper, which I don't know, seems
pretty fucking weird, but is it any weirder than tinder?
Probably not listen to what these two worst matchmakers of
all time wrote about the lovely Susan, single white female
thirty three, over but not over life, seek single male
(03:05):
who wants more out of a relationship than just slender.
I mean, if that doesn't send the boys a run,
and I don't know what will overweight but not over life.
What kind of abomination of the sisterhood is this terribly
worded summation of their friend and daughter. Shame on you bitches.
(03:27):
In fairness, they did also mention that she was a
healthcare professional, that she enjoyed conversation, and that she was
looking for good times with someone who was intelligent, thoughtful,
and full of humor. And you can imagine the caliber
of suitors who were just itching to get their hands
on Susan after that glowing ad. But there was this
one guy called Mike who answered with Hi, my name
(03:50):
is Mike. I'm a thirty nine year old divorced white male.
I enjoy most things in nature, from wandering in the
ape caves of Mount Saint Helen's to walking on the
beach at sunset. Sounds beautiful, Mike, the ape cave sound
fucking mad, But who might have judge. Mike and Susan meet,
they go on a few dates, and they hit it off,
(04:13):
and of course Mike shares some personal stuff about his
life with Susan, like how he'd spent time in combat
in the Vietnam War, which was, as you can imagine,
quite a rough experience. He also had two kids from
a previous marriage, which wasn't a problem for Susan, because
why should it be. Sometimes shit just doesn't work out.
But Mike, he was the kind of guy who loved
(04:34):
talking shit about his ex wife a lot like the
red flaggy kind of talk that is the hallmark of
a classic asshole that takes zero accountability for his actions
and resents having to do things like pay child support.
But Susan chose to look for the good and try
to see beyond the flags. And after a very speedy courtship,
(04:57):
Mike proposed, and because Susan overweight, therefore desperate and out
of options, she said, yes, I'm being a smart ass obviously,
so less than a year after meeting, on December the eleventh,
nineteen eighty eight, they said, I do. And apparently the
first year or so was okay. However, cracks began to
(05:19):
appear pretty early on, and by cracks, I mean that
Mike turned out to be a financially controlling, chain smoking
tight ass, and when Susan started snooping around into his background,
she discovered that her new husband was a bit of
a Liarliah pants on fire, like you know that traumatic
time he spent in combat as a soldier in the
(05:40):
jungles of Vietnam. Yet turns out he was more in
the trenches of office life, as his military records listed
him as a highly dangerous switchboard operator. How fucking embarrassing, Mike,
How embarrassing It was a couple of years into their
marriage where Mike got a new gig as a janitor
(06:00):
supervisor at a place called Fantasy Adult Video, which imagine
the kind of messes that would require staff to call
for a mop and bucket at a joint with a
name like that, But they put those slippery whimwet signs
to good use. Anyway, at least he was working, but
when he wasn't, he spent his time lazing around watching TV,
(06:23):
smashing a shit ton of diet coke, and berating Susan
anytime she left the house to go out and have
some fun with her friends, as opposed to hanging on
the couch and listening to him whinge about the pitfalls
of not being rich. A tragedy for a man who
spent most of the money he earned on collectibles, then
squirreled himself away in the basement alone to spend time
(06:44):
with them. And this may sound judgmental, but a guy
like that, he's the conductor on the speed trained to
drive a jinaville. Poor Susan and Mike had this signature
phrase he used all the time, which was life is
a shit sandwich and every day you take another bite
until you die. What a fucking drainer, and how's this.
(07:07):
Susan says that whenever she tried to kiss this husband
of hers, he burp in her face. That is not
very nice, Mike. I don't mean to laugh. Put a
dick and Susan just sounds so lovely. And she really
tried until she couldn't try anymore. She said, quote, I
(07:28):
cared about him, but I didn't want to live with
him anymore. I wanted to be happy again. Fair enough,
sus So. In two thousand and five, after seventeen years
of marriage, one too many shit sandwiches and God only
knows how many burps to the face, Susan told Mike
she wanted a divorce. She remained in their house and
(07:48):
Mike moved back in with his dad, where I assume
he could burp and fart and fuck his collectibles all
day long. You know who Mike is. Mike is that
guy we all know. He's your friend's husband or partner,
the one that everyone tolerates for the sake of the
primary friendship but bitches about after a group event and
it makes you feel bad because your friend is so great.
(08:10):
But this guy, this guy's just a fucking dickhead. He
makes inappropriate jokes that are always tinged with racism or sexism,
and if you don't laugh, he nudges you and tells
you to lighten up and get a sense of humor.
He dresses in Marvin the Martian t shirts, scratches his
balls while he's talking to you, clicks at waiters, and
intentionally brings up topics or past problems he knows are
(08:34):
going to cause conflict, and then he sits back and
smirks while he watches it all unfold, then tells everyone
to chill out and just relax. He's the guy you
never would have shared a SIGGI with in high school
because he would have sucked on it in a way
that made the butt all soggy and disgusting. He'd drink
two light beers and pretend to be off his face
cool girl's frigid bitches when they wouldn't let him finger
(08:55):
them on the oval because word had gotten around that
he had no idea what he was doing, didn't know
the difference between a vagina and an asshole. He'd drink
bong water for a laugh, and the night by running
around with his pants around his ankles while his unimpressive
dick flopped around like a sad sock. And then he
piss on your mum's roses when you specifically asked him
(09:15):
not to. And no one can or ever will understand
what your friend sees in him. So that's the background,
and now we're back to September sixth, two thousand and six.
Remember Susan had just finished her shift at work and
gone to the hairdresser, and after her blowwave, she got
back in her car and headed home at six point
(09:36):
thirty pm when she arrives and enters the house through
the mud room at the back, where she finds a
note stuck to the microphone in Mike's handwriting that reads,
Sue haven't been sleeping, had to get away, went to
the beach. See you on Friday or Saturday. Love me.
At this time, they were separated, not divorced, and Mike
would sort of come and go as he pleased, which
(09:57):
sounds very annoying, but it was what it was anyway.
So Susan comes in. She spends a couple of minutes
looking through her mail, but when she looks up towards
her bedroom, she notices that there's something that just doesn't
look right, like it was extra dark in there. She'd
figured that she'd probably just forgotten to open her curtains
when she left in the morning, So as she starts
walking towards the room, she's confronted with something very, very scary.
(10:22):
A man that she'd never seen before bolts out from
behind the door and starts barreling towards her. He had
long hair, a baseball cap pulled down low over his eyes,
and he was wearing yellow rubber gloves. Very bold choice. Obviously,
It takes Susan a second to register what's happening, but
she soon realizes that in this man's very bright hands,
(10:43):
he's carrying a claw hammer. I googled that because I
thought it was some kind of fancy variety of hammer.
It's not. It's just a regular hammer that your dad
would have had in the shed. But regardless, no one
wants to be on the receiving end of one of those. Now.
Susan's a nurse, so once she recovers from that initial shock,
her brain clicks over to fast problem solving mode, so
(11:04):
she rushes towards this guy because she knows that the
closer that she gets to him, the less gusto he
could put behind the swing of that hammer, but he
swings it anyway and it clocks Susan right on her
left temple, which would have hurt a lot. And she's confused,
but she's also starting to get angry because this is
(11:24):
her goddamn house. So she just starts screaming at this guy,
who are you? What do you want? And he continues
laying his hammer into her. This is where Susan, despite
having two dodgy knees and being smacked in the head
with a Bunnings hammer, she takes this guy on. Now,
just to be clear, I'm not body shaming Susan at
(11:44):
all here, but she is an ample unit and a
lot bigger than her assailant, who I'm just gonna call
hammer Time from now on. And so she just starts
using her weight against him by, for want of a
better term, body slamming into him. And it's now that
hammer Time speaks to Susan for the first and last time,
(12:04):
and he says, quote, you're strong, perceptive, Susan says. She
gets this rush of panic and adrenaline and she knows
that this guy is here to kill her. And while
she doesn't resign herself to dying, she's almost more focused
on finding out why. In the event that she does,
and this is the moment where it becomes a Tarantino movie.
(12:27):
Susan is furious and she just starts launching into hammer Time,
who realizes at this point he is losing because our
hero sus She has managed to wrestle the hammer off him,
and now she gets busy smashing him in the head
with it. Hammer Time is back on though, and he
gets control of the weapon again, but Susan, hell bent
(12:48):
on proving that she is the ultimate fighter. She grabs
his throat and starts to squeeze hard in a way
that is obviously blocking his airway, and she screams, who
sent you into his face? Over and over again. In
my mind, we're not even in Susan's house anymore. This
is like an old school WWF pay per view. They're
(13:09):
both incra leggings. The pyrotechniques are going off in the background.
Goldberg and DDP are standing by holding those fold up chairs,
ready to pounce when their girl gives them the nod.
Susan's hands increase their squeeze on Hammertime's breathless red face
that she sees turning purple then blue, right before her eyes.
But Susan's a lover, not a fighter, and she doesn't
(13:32):
want to kill anyone. She just wants the heavyweight title.
She just wants the heavyweight title and some fucking answers,
So she lets go and tries to split. This was
not a great move, because it doesn't take long for
hammer Time to regain his composure and get right back
on her tail. He grabs at her and they spill
out into the hallway. He punches her in the face,
(13:55):
splitting her lip, and then punches her again, hard enough
for her to go down. So Susan on the floor
looking up at Hammertime as he looms over her. And
it's now that another surge of adrenaline kicks in and
Susan grabs onto hammer Time and pulls him down to
the ground with her. She starts biting him, not just
to hurt him, but because she knows that leaving her
(14:15):
teeth marks in him will serve as physical evidence if
she doesn't make it out. Then she starts chomping down
on this mofo like he's one of those giant steaks
in the flintstones. She goes at his thighs, his arms,
his ribs, she wants this title, and she wants it bad.
She brings her teeth down on the zip of his
pants and starts chomping at his hoss, blindsiding him with
(14:38):
her dazzling display of determination. And while all this is happening,
Susan starts hooking her hands into his pockets and pulling
out whatever she can get out of there, And she
is actively aiming to throw this stuff under pieces of
furniture so that if she dies, the police will find
them and use them as clues to track hammertime down.
(14:59):
Can you even having the presence of mind to do
that while you're trying to defend yourself as someone tries
to murder you with a hammer. This is so impressive
in a way that makes me feel really dumb, because
I probably wouldn't have even thought of that if I
had a good forty eight hours to plan ahead and
think about it. Anyway, in case you do need a
bit of a time check, this assault has been going
(15:20):
on for fourteen minutes and the crowd is going absolutely look,
it's not funny. I'm just trying to make a bit
less heavy. That is fourteen whole minutes. Fifty one year
old Susan is still going, And now she manages to
throw her leg over the top of hammer Time and
(15:40):
pull herself on top of him. And it is now
that Susan brings the full force of her left arm
down onto hammer Time's neck, and she's not making the
same mistake as last time when she let go. So
she pushes down hard, cutting off his air supply as
she screams a final war cry of tell me who
sent you here? And I will call you a fucking
ambul right into his eggplant hued face. But hammer Time
(16:04):
will not concede. Even as Susan's forearms of fury bear
down even harder against his throat, he refuses to tap out.
And what a stubborn, fucking idiot this guy is, Because
as our hero Susan scrambles to her feet and high
tails it out the front door over to her neighbor's house,
she knows what's gone down. It's over. Call nine on
one if you want. But hammer Time is no longer
(16:26):
with us. This hammer wielding, baseball cat wearing bright yellow
rubber gloved criminal was just taken out by an er
nurse who ended his life with her bare hands in
order to save her own Susan the ultimate fighter, the
heavy weight. Not the weight matters, but in this case
it did help champion of the world. But still she
(16:48):
could not rest. She needed answers, and so do we. Okay,
so here's the shit you need to know about hammer Time.
It should come as no supper to learn that Hammertime's
name was not, in fact Hammertime. It was Ed Haffey,
a fifty nine year old career criminal who actually was
a Vietnam Vet. And what a piece of shit this
(17:10):
guy turned out to be. Just on the off chance
you were feeling sad about him being choked by Susan
the strangler nice ring to it. So, fifteen years prior
to his attack on Susan, Hammertime was accused and convicted
of murdering his ex girlfriend, a woman named Georgia Lee Dutton,
and after a whopping nine years behind bars for murder
(17:30):
of an innocent human being, he was released back out
into the community in two thousand and three. I mean
nine years for murder. That's crazy with the capital K.
The day after Susan was attacked, her neighbor Helen, accompanies
Susan back into her house to collect some stuff, and
while she's at it, she takes a look around. This
is something a person named Halen would definitely do. And
(17:54):
just like Susan, Helen is a winner because while she's
down in the basement, she spies with her little life
by a backpack that does not belong to sus a
backpack the police never even noticed. When the police open
it up, probably after saying something like, yeah, we knew
it was there all along. We were just leaving it to,
you know, marinate in the environment a bit. It's part
(18:17):
of protocol. Anyway. Inside they find a diary, two hundred bucks,
a pay stub, a bottle of Hershey's syrup, and a
packet of diabetes medication which I'm no doctor, but that
doesn't exactly sound like a perfect pairing on the health
front to me. And inside his dinky diary, scribbled in
an entry on September fourth, just two days before he
(18:40):
tried to hammer Susan to death, were the words, call Mike.
Could it be No, let's not judge too harshly before
we get all the facts. Perhaps hammer time was in
the catering biz and Mike had placed an order of
shit sandwiches for a gathering he was having for friends.
A quick check would reveal that after Hammer's lease from prison,
(19:01):
he moved to Portland and he started job hunting, and
the timing was perfect because Mike he was on the
hunt for a new employee at Fantasy Adult Video, someone
who was passionate about pursuing a career in the janitorial
arts with a specialty in cleaning up cum puddles from
the over excited customers who blew their loads while reading
the blurbs of the Director's cut limited edition box set
(19:23):
of Horney Hole Munches Parts one, two, and three, the
trilogy that tells the inspirational story of two best friends,
Hank and Sally, who set out on a culinary tour
unlike any other. Armed with just backpacks, wet wipes, and
a dream.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
Sorry, they traveled the globe together in search of the tastiest.
They traveled the globe together in search of the tastiest
and a quest to find their own special starfish to
have hold and munch on for the rest of their lives.
(20:01):
Brings it to you to my eye, So romantic?
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Anyway? Where were we? Okay? Yes, hammertime, He's just applied
for a job at this porno version of Blockbuster, and
he obviously impressed Mike with his passion for the art
of sanitizing sticky flaws. So in July two thousand and four,
Mike slaps him on the back, says you're in hope
you like shit sandwiches, and then tells him to get
(20:28):
down and get working, And he went on to become
the best damned Jez cleaner Portland had ever seen. The end.
Of course, that's not the end. On the contrary, it's
the start, the start of a blossoming friendship where Hammer
and Mike bond over their love of us hollery, both
in the porn world and in real life. Mike began
(20:51):
opening up to his new friend. He tells him all
about his terrible, horrible, recently estranged, overweight wife, Susan but
your million bucks. He called her an ungrateful, fat bitch
who never once made him feel appreciated for the genius
of a perfectly timed burt to the face. The woman
who put up with his shit for seventeen whole years.
(21:13):
And look, I don't know this for sure, but I
feel pretty confident in assuming that this was a very
dissatisfying sex life for Susan. I reckon Mike sounds like
the kind of guy that would have probably rubbed one
out into the dirty mop bucket that was used to
clean the flows at Fantasy Fucking porn Hub Blockbuster, and
then knocks back his wife to hide the fact that
he just can't get it up twice in one day,
(21:35):
which was probably a blessing really, because I also don't
think it's a stretch to assume that a guy that
burps into his wife's face when she wants affection doesn't
wash under his fore skin properly, so I guess he
really did do her a favor. Apologies, Mike, that was
very kind of you. If it wasn't so tragic, it'd
almost be laughable that Mike was even capable of harboring
(21:56):
any animosity towards Susan, because after all the shitful behavior
she endured, she still had enough goodness in her to
believe that this man who she'd spent a significant chunk
of her life with would never do anything to harm her,
which is why she never changed the locks or reset
the alarm code at the house, the alarm code that
was the date of their wedding. So this is exactly
(22:18):
what happened in the lead up to the night of
September sixth. A few weeks earlier, Mike had lost his
job at Fantasy Adult Video Easy. Perhaps he got busted
wanking into the mop bucket, I don't know, But because
he'd spent all his money on icy cold cans of
DC and those embarrassing collectibles, he was broke, and instead
of getting a job and actually working, he hatched a plan.
(22:43):
Mike knew that Susan's brother was the beneficiary of her
life insurance policy, but he also knew that their house,
which was worth about three hundred grand, was paid off,
and because they weren't officially divorced yet, if something were
to happen to Susan, it would be his, and so
he thought the best option was to have her killed.
(23:04):
Now remember that note in hammertimes Stinky Diary that mentioned
Mike well Police looked into Mike's whereabouts on the day
of the attack, and they found that on that morning,
he decided to take a drive to the coast, then
used a credit card to check into a hotel, which
is an excellent use of the credit card to establish
an alibi. Mike Well done. Later that night, he made
(23:25):
his way back to Portland, where he purchased a gun
for three hundred and thirty nine dollars, and you wonder
why you haven't got any coin mate. A couple of
days later, on September the eighth, a suicide note in
Mike's handwriting was found at his dad's place, and it
read all I ever wanted was to be loved, and
every time I had it, I fucked it up, and
(23:46):
you can say that again. And then he bolted. But
the police were onto his hairy, unwashed ass, and on
September thirteenth, they found him in the car park of
a medical center. An officer from the house this for
a name, Clackamus County Sheriff's Department, Christmas for people who
love Clacker's Clackamus. Anyway, it was here that Mike tells
(24:09):
officers he's about to check himself into this medical facility
because he quote had nothing to live for anymore. The
fact that you're actually checking yourself in would suggest otherwise, Mike. Actually,
I don't really know who am I to say, but
I do know that after an eleven hour involuntary psychiatric
old police decided to call bullshit and formally arrested Mike
(24:29):
for conspiracy to commit murder. It's no surprise that Mike
initially denied having any involvement in the attempt on Susan's
life because he loves baking porky pies telling lies. But
we also know that he's stunningly stupid because during initial
police interviews he denied knowing Hammertime, as though there was
(24:50):
no way anyone would ever find out that they work
together at Pornhub Videos or us. Imagine what a silly
billy he must have felt like when the cops said,
but we know that you worked together at Fantasy Adult Video,
you dun't it, to which Mike backpedaled and said, quote,
just because I know the guy doesn't mean I did anything,
which is true, except security records showed that the alarm
(25:14):
at Susan's house was disabled after she'd left for work
that morning. Mike admitted to doing this when he stuck
that note on her microwave, saying that he was going
to the beach. And you know, let's give him the
benefit of the doubt. Maybe he just forgot to arm
it when he left. But there were also no signs
of forced entry, and Mike of course denied ever giving
hammer Time access to the house. But how did he
(25:35):
get in so easily then, without any sign of breaking
a window or a lock or anything. But even so,
nothing rock solid there. But then on September eighteenth, a
guy who shared a cell with Hammer Time when they'd
been in prison together, let's call him Slim. He contacted
police when he heard about the circumstances surrounding hammer Time's death,
and he told them that Hammer had called him out
(25:57):
of the blue one day to ask if he wanted
in on any insurance scam slash burglary job. Slim wasn't sure,
but you know, he was open to it. So he
says that he goes with Hammer to meet up with
this guy who he confirmed to be Mike Kuntausen. Sorry
for that mispronunciation, it's Kunenhausen. Apologies. He says that Mike
(26:18):
offered him a whole five grand to help Hammer kill
his wife. Again with the impulsive spending Mike. And you know,
while I'm not in the criminal higher industry, I feel
like five grand to kill someone is not the going rate,
proving again that Mike is a bit of a fucking
tight ass. And then on November seventeenth, another guy comes
(26:40):
out of the woodwork, saying that he'd given hammer Time
a ride to meet up with someone, and he identified
this someone as Mike. And then, almost a year after
the attack, in August of two thousand and seven, Mike
finally pled guilty to soliciting the murder of his devastated wife, Susan.
Mike was sentenced to ten years in prison, and to
make matters worse, he had twenty percent shaved off his
(27:03):
time for good behavior. And meanwhile, poor Susan is understandably
left with some very big trauma and she's living her
life in a constant state of fear. She moved into
another home, but she was always scared that someone was
watching her, and so Susan did things like having gravel
laid around her house because the fact that it meant
that she'd be able to hear a car or footsteps
(27:25):
if anyone got close enough made her feel a little
bit more secure. But in karma, it always has the
last word. And on Friday, the thirteenth of June twenty fourteen,
just ninety two days before he was set to be
released from prison, Mike died of cancer. And what became
of our heroine Susan? You ask the lovely kicker Susan
(27:46):
who refuses to be called a hero because quote, how
can you be a hero when you took someone's life?
To which I would respond, how many lives did you
save when you put hammer Time in that championship winning choke?
Old Susan, your own was an ugh, but I reckon
a weasel like Hammertime had serious potential to continue doing
loads of bad shit if he'd lived. And Susan remained
(28:07):
a hero and continued nursing until twenty fourteen, when she
decided to put all her focus on her victim advocacy work.
In twenty seventeen, she created case Companion, which is a
free website that provides online resources and support for victims
of crime in her area and as a final testament
to the kind of woman Susan is. Here's a quote
(28:28):
she gave after learning of Mike's death. I don't mourn
his passing. Instead, I'm more on the life he could
have had if only he could have opened his heart
for those of us who cared about him. What a
woman I would have been? Like good, I'm happy that
dumb piece of shit mother pig liar is gone. I
really hope Susan is doing well, if you're listening, Hi.
(28:52):
I couldn't find much about her life currently out there,
but with the help of a calculator, I worked out
that she would be sixty nine years old today and
that's my mum's age, which makes me love her even more.
I hope you enjoyed that story, A real tale of
the best and worst of humanity, I reckon. And now
of course it's time to say farewell. Please don't forget
(29:14):
to rate, review and subscribe. It really helps us a lot,
and it's a very easy and cheap way to support us.
And by cheap, it's free and there's almost zero time
or effor required. Even Mike would have done it. So
finally I will say goodbye and as always, until next time,
take care of yourselves. Thank you for listening, Love yous,
Hello, and welcome to this one's a doozy. My name
is Mel and I am pumped to have you join
me on this very adult version of Storytime on the Mat,
primary school style, where I tell you about a true
tale that is so fascinating it'd be a shame if
you didn't know about it. It's been a while. If
you are one of the beautiful people that have been
(00:25):
sending messages asking what happened to these episodes, I'm very sorry.
I'm not glorifying being busy, but I have been very busy.
I came across a story the other day, an old story,
but fascinating enough to make me want to stay up
and tell what is it? It's two am and jump
on the mic and record this so I hope you
(00:48):
enjoy it. This story is a celebration, and before you
think she's gone all positive, don't worry. It's still fucked up.
But it's also a tribute to a woman who, back
in two thousand and six, did some that made Chuck
Norris look like Daniel LaRusso from The Karate Kid before
he met mister Miyagi. So in order to kick things off,
we have to whiz back in time to the afternoon
(01:09):
of September sixth, two thousand and six, lots of sixers
bit menacing already. Fifty one year old Susan Kunnhausen had
just finished her shift as an er nurse at the
Providence Portland Medical Center. She took off her scrubs, waved
goodbye to her colleagues, jumped in her car, and made
(01:31):
her way straight to the Perfect Look Hair Salon. Very
unimaginative name for a hairdressing salon, but whatever, And it
was here that I can only assume she had an
appointment to get her hair done. The ultimate picked me
up for a newly single lady. You see, Susan had
recently called it quits on her marriage to her dismal
limptic husband, Mike, and to give you some context to
(01:54):
their relationship, I must share the fairy tale of how
they met. So back in nineteen eighty eight, Susan was
thirty three and loving life. She had a great job, friends,
she loved hanging out at the local comedy club. But
something was missing. She wanted to meet a guy. She
wanted to settle down. She wanted to enjoy her life
doing shit like going on nature walks and bird watching
(02:18):
and you know, getting some regular diick action, not Susan's
actual words, but you can assume they were, because isn't
that what we all want? Anyway? This is the point
where Susan's mum and friend swooped in and were like,
sus let us handle this. We know exactly how to
find the guy that'll make all your dreams come true.
(02:40):
And so they put out a call for Susan's prince
charming in the local paper, which I don't know, seems
pretty fucking weird, but is it any weirder than tinder?
Probably not listen to what these two worst matchmakers of
all time wrote about the lovely Susan, single white female
thirty three, over but not over life, seek single male
(03:05):
who wants more out of a relationship than just slender.
I mean, if that doesn't send the boys a run,
and I don't know what will overweight but not over life.
What kind of abomination of the sisterhood is this terribly
worded summation of their friend and daughter. Shame on you bitches.
(03:27):
In fairness, they did also mention that she was a
healthcare professional, that she enjoyed conversation, and that she was
looking for good times with someone who was intelligent, thoughtful,
and full of humor. And you can imagine the caliber
of suitors who were just itching to get their hands
on Susan after that glowing ad. But there was this
one guy called Mike who answered with Hi, my name
(03:50):
is Mike. I'm a thirty nine year old divorced white male.
I enjoy most things in nature, from wandering in the
ape caves of Mount Saint Helen's to walking on the
beach at sunset. Sounds beautiful, Mike, the ape cave sound
fucking mad, But who might have judge. Mike and Susan meet,
they go on a few dates, and they hit it off,
(04:13):
and of course Mike shares some personal stuff about his
life with Susan, like how he'd spent time in combat
in the Vietnam War, which was, as you can imagine,
quite a rough experience. He also had two kids from
a previous marriage, which wasn't a problem for Susan, because
why should it be. Sometimes shit just doesn't work out.
But Mike, he was the kind of guy who loved
(04:34):
talking shit about his ex wife a lot like the
red flaggy kind of talk that is the hallmark of
a classic asshole that takes zero accountability for his actions
and resents having to do things like pay child support.
But Susan chose to look for the good and try
to see beyond the flags. And after a very speedy courtship,
(04:57):
Mike proposed, and because Susan overweight, therefore desperate and out
of options, she said, yes, I'm being a smart ass obviously,
so less than a year after meeting, on December the eleventh,
nineteen eighty eight, they said, I do. And apparently the
first year or so was okay. However, cracks began to
(05:19):
appear pretty early on, and by cracks, I mean that
Mike turned out to be a financially controlling, chain smoking
tight ass, and when Susan started snooping around into his background,
she discovered that her new husband was a bit of
a Liarliah pants on fire, like you know that traumatic
time he spent in combat as a soldier in the
(05:40):
jungles of Vietnam. Yet turns out he was more in
the trenches of office life, as his military records listed
him as a highly dangerous switchboard operator. How fucking embarrassing, Mike,
How embarrassing It was a couple of years into their
marriage where Mike got a new gig as a janitor
(06:00):
supervisor at a place called Fantasy Adult Video, which imagine
the kind of messes that would require staff to call
for a mop and bucket at a joint with a
name like that, But they put those slippery whimwet signs
to good use. Anyway, at least he was working, but
when he wasn't, he spent his time lazing around watching TV,
(06:23):
smashing a shit ton of diet coke, and berating Susan
anytime she left the house to go out and have
some fun with her friends, as opposed to hanging on
the couch and listening to him whinge about the pitfalls
of not being rich. A tragedy for a man who
spent most of the money he earned on collectibles, then
squirreled himself away in the basement alone to spend time
(06:44):
with them. And this may sound judgmental, but a guy
like that, he's the conductor on the speed trained to
drive a jinaville. Poor Susan and Mike had this signature
phrase he used all the time, which was life is
a shit sandwich and every day you take another bite
until you die. What a fucking drainer, and how's this.
(07:07):
Susan says that whenever she tried to kiss this husband
of hers, he burp in her face. That is not
very nice, Mike. I don't mean to laugh. Put a
dick and Susan just sounds so lovely. And she really
tried until she couldn't try anymore. She said, quote, I
(07:28):
cared about him, but I didn't want to live with
him anymore. I wanted to be happy again. Fair enough,
sus So. In two thousand and five, after seventeen years
of marriage, one too many shit sandwiches and God only
knows how many burps to the face, Susan told Mike
she wanted a divorce. She remained in their house and
(07:48):
Mike moved back in with his dad, where I assume
he could burp and fart and fuck his collectibles all
day long. You know who Mike is. Mike is that
guy we all know. He's your friend's husband or partner,
the one that everyone tolerates for the sake of the
primary friendship but bitches about after a group event and
it makes you feel bad because your friend is so great.
(08:10):
But this guy, this guy's just a fucking dickhead. He
makes inappropriate jokes that are always tinged with racism or sexism,
and if you don't laugh, he nudges you and tells
you to lighten up and get a sense of humor.
He dresses in Marvin the Martian t shirts, scratches his
balls while he's talking to you, clicks at waiters, and
intentionally brings up topics or past problems he knows are
(08:34):
going to cause conflict, and then he sits back and
smirks while he watches it all unfold, then tells everyone
to chill out and just relax. He's the guy you
never would have shared a SIGGI with in high school
because he would have sucked on it in a way
that made the butt all soggy and disgusting. He'd drink
two light beers and pretend to be off his face
cool girl's frigid bitches when they wouldn't let him finger
(08:55):
them on the oval because word had gotten around that
he had no idea what he was doing, didn't know
the difference between a vagina and an asshole. He'd drink
bong water for a laugh, and the night by running
around with his pants around his ankles while his unimpressive
dick flopped around like a sad sock. And then he
piss on your mum's roses when you specifically asked him
(09:15):
not to. And no one can or ever will understand
what your friend sees in him. So that's the background,
and now we're back to September sixth, two thousand and six.
Remember Susan had just finished her shift at work and
gone to the hairdresser, and after her blowwave, she got
back in her car and headed home at six point
(09:36):
thirty pm when she arrives and enters the house through
the mud room at the back, where she finds a
note stuck to the microphone in Mike's handwriting that reads,
Sue haven't been sleeping, had to get away, went to
the beach. See you on Friday or Saturday. Love me.
At this time, they were separated, not divorced, and Mike
would sort of come and go as he pleased, which
(09:57):
sounds very annoying, but it was what it was anyway.
So Susan comes in. She spends a couple of minutes
looking through her mail, but when she looks up towards
her bedroom, she notices that there's something that just doesn't
look right, like it was extra dark in there. She'd
figured that she'd probably just forgotten to open her curtains
when she left in the morning, So as she starts
walking towards the room, she's confronted with something very, very scary.
(10:22):
A man that she'd never seen before bolts out from
behind the door and starts barreling towards her. He had
long hair, a baseball cap pulled down low over his eyes,
and he was wearing yellow rubber gloves. Very bold choice. Obviously,
It takes Susan a second to register what's happening, but
she soon realizes that in this man's very bright hands,
(10:43):
he's carrying a claw hammer. I googled that because I
thought it was some kind of fancy variety of hammer.
It's not. It's just a regular hammer that your dad
would have had in the shed. But regardless, no one
wants to be on the receiving end of one of those. Now.
Susan's a nurse, so once she recovers from that initial shock,
her brain clicks over to fast problem solving mode, so
(11:04):
she rushes towards this guy because she knows that the
closer that she gets to him, the less gusto he
could put behind the swing of that hammer, but he
swings it anyway and it clocks Susan right on her
left temple, which would have hurt a lot. And she's confused,
but she's also starting to get angry because this is
(11:24):
her goddamn house. So she just starts screaming at this guy,
who are you? What do you want? And he continues
laying his hammer into her. This is where Susan, despite
having two dodgy knees and being smacked in the head
with a Bunnings hammer, she takes this guy on. Now,
just to be clear, I'm not body shaming Susan at
(11:44):
all here, but she is an ample unit and a
lot bigger than her assailant, who I'm just gonna call
hammer Time from now on. And so she just starts
using her weight against him by, for want of a
better term, body slamming into him. And it's now that
hammer Time speaks to Susan for the first and last time,
(12:04):
and he says, quote, you're strong, perceptive, Susan says. She
gets this rush of panic and adrenaline and she knows
that this guy is here to kill her. And while
she doesn't resign herself to dying, she's almost more focused
on finding out why. In the event that she does,
and this is the moment where it becomes a Tarantino movie.
(12:27):
Susan is furious and she just starts launching into hammer Time,
who realizes at this point he is losing because our
hero sus She has managed to wrestle the hammer off him,
and now she gets busy smashing him in the head
with it. Hammer Time is back on though, and he
gets control of the weapon again, but Susan, hell bent
(12:48):
on proving that she is the ultimate fighter. She grabs
his throat and starts to squeeze hard in a way
that is obviously blocking his airway, and she screams, who
sent you into his face? Over and over again. In
my mind, we're not even in Susan's house anymore. This
is like an old school WWF pay per view. They're
(13:09):
both incra leggings. The pyrotechniques are going off in the background.
Goldberg and DDP are standing by holding those fold up chairs,
ready to pounce when their girl gives them the nod.
Susan's hands increase their squeeze on Hammertime's breathless red face
that she sees turning purple then blue, right before her eyes.
But Susan's a lover, not a fighter, and she doesn't
(13:32):
want to kill anyone. She just wants the heavyweight title.
She just wants the heavyweight title and some fucking answers,
So she lets go and tries to split. This was
not a great move, because it doesn't take long for
hammer Time to regain his composure and get right back
on her tail. He grabs at her and they spill
out into the hallway. He punches her in the face,
(13:55):
splitting her lip, and then punches her again, hard enough
for her to go down. So Susan on the floor
looking up at Hammertime as he looms over her. And
it's now that another surge of adrenaline kicks in and
Susan grabs onto hammer Time and pulls him down to
the ground with her. She starts biting him, not just
to hurt him, but because she knows that leaving her
(14:15):
teeth marks in him will serve as physical evidence if
she doesn't make it out. Then she starts chomping down
on this mofo like he's one of those giant steaks
in the flintstones. She goes at his thighs, his arms,
his ribs, she wants this title, and she wants it bad.
She brings her teeth down on the zip of his
pants and starts chomping at his hoss, blindsiding him with
(14:38):
her dazzling display of determination. And while all this is happening,
Susan starts hooking her hands into his pockets and pulling
out whatever she can get out of there, And she
is actively aiming to throw this stuff under pieces of
furniture so that if she dies, the police will find
them and use them as clues to track hammertime down.
(14:59):
Can you even having the presence of mind to do
that while you're trying to defend yourself as someone tries
to murder you with a hammer. This is so impressive
in a way that makes me feel really dumb, because
I probably wouldn't have even thought of that if I
had a good forty eight hours to plan ahead and
think about it. Anyway, in case you do need a
bit of a time check, this assault has been going
(15:20):
on for fourteen minutes and the crowd is going absolutely look,
it's not funny. I'm just trying to make a bit
less heavy. That is fourteen whole minutes. Fifty one year
old Susan is still going, And now she manages to
throw her leg over the top of hammer Time and
(15:40):
pull herself on top of him. And it is now
that Susan brings the full force of her left arm
down onto hammer Time's neck, and she's not making the
same mistake as last time when she let go. So
she pushes down hard, cutting off his air supply as
she screams a final war cry of tell me who
sent you here? And I will call you a fucking
ambul right into his eggplant hued face. But hammer Time
(16:04):
will not concede. Even as Susan's forearms of fury bear
down even harder against his throat, he refuses to tap out.
And what a stubborn, fucking idiot this guy is, Because
as our hero Susan scrambles to her feet and high
tails it out the front door over to her neighbor's house,
she knows what's gone down. It's over. Call nine on
one if you want. But hammer Time is no longer
(16:26):
with us. This hammer wielding, baseball cat wearing bright yellow
rubber gloved criminal was just taken out by an er
nurse who ended his life with her bare hands in
order to save her own Susan the ultimate fighter, the
heavy weight. Not the weight matters, but in this case
it did help champion of the world. But still she
(16:48):
could not rest. She needed answers, and so do we. Okay,
so here's the shit you need to know about hammer Time.
It should come as no supper to learn that Hammertime's
name was not, in fact Hammertime. It was Ed Haffey,
a fifty nine year old career criminal who actually was
a Vietnam Vet. And what a piece of shit this
(17:10):
guy turned out to be. Just on the off chance
you were feeling sad about him being choked by Susan
the strangler nice ring to it. So, fifteen years prior
to his attack on Susan, Hammertime was accused and convicted
of murdering his ex girlfriend, a woman named Georgia Lee Dutton,
and after a whopping nine years behind bars for murder
(17:30):
of an innocent human being, he was released back out
into the community in two thousand and three. I mean
nine years for murder. That's crazy with the capital K.
The day after Susan was attacked, her neighbor Helen, accompanies
Susan back into her house to collect some stuff, and
while she's at it, she takes a look around. This
is something a person named Halen would definitely do. And
(17:54):
just like Susan, Helen is a winner because while she's
down in the basement, she spies with her little life
by a backpack that does not belong to sus a
backpack the police never even noticed. When the police open
it up, probably after saying something like, yeah, we knew
it was there all along. We were just leaving it to,
you know, marinate in the environment a bit. It's part
(18:17):
of protocol. Anyway. Inside they find a diary, two hundred bucks,
a pay stub, a bottle of Hershey's syrup, and a
packet of diabetes medication which I'm no doctor, but that
doesn't exactly sound like a perfect pairing on the health
front to me. And inside his dinky diary, scribbled in
an entry on September fourth, just two days before he
(18:40):
tried to hammer Susan to death, were the words, call Mike.
Could it be No, let's not judge too harshly before
we get all the facts. Perhaps hammer time was in
the catering biz and Mike had placed an order of
shit sandwiches for a gathering he was having for friends.
A quick check would reveal that after Hammer's lease from prison,
(19:01):
he moved to Portland and he started job hunting, and
the timing was perfect because Mike he was on the
hunt for a new employee at Fantasy Adult Video, someone
who was passionate about pursuing a career in the janitorial
arts with a specialty in cleaning up cum puddles from
the over excited customers who blew their loads while reading
the blurbs of the Director's cut limited edition box set
(19:23):
of Horney Hole Munches Parts one, two, and three, the
trilogy that tells the inspirational story of two best friends,
Hank and Sally, who set out on a culinary tour
unlike any other. Armed with just backpacks, wet wipes, and
a dream.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
Sorry, they traveled the globe together in search of the tastiest.
They traveled the globe together in search of the tastiest
and a quest to find their own special starfish to
have hold and munch on for the rest of their lives.
(20:01):
Brings it to you to my eye, So romantic?
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Anyway? Where were we? Okay? Yes, hammertime, He's just applied
for a job at this porno version of Blockbuster, and
he obviously impressed Mike with his passion for the art
of sanitizing sticky flaws. So in July two thousand and four,
Mike slaps him on the back, says you're in hope
you like shit sandwiches, and then tells him to get
(20:28):
down and get working, And he went on to become
the best damned Jez cleaner Portland had ever seen. The end.
Of course, that's not the end. On the contrary, it's
the start, the start of a blossoming friendship where Hammer
and Mike bond over their love of us hollery, both
in the porn world and in real life. Mike began
(20:51):
opening up to his new friend. He tells him all
about his terrible, horrible, recently estranged, overweight wife, Susan but
your million bucks. He called her an ungrateful, fat bitch
who never once made him feel appreciated for the genius
of a perfectly timed burt to the face. The woman
who put up with his shit for seventeen whole years.
(21:13):
And look, I don't know this for sure, but I
feel pretty confident in assuming that this was a very
dissatisfying sex life for Susan. I reckon Mike sounds like
the kind of guy that would have probably rubbed one
out into the dirty mop bucket that was used to
clean the flows at Fantasy Fucking porn Hub Blockbuster, and
then knocks back his wife to hide the fact that
he just can't get it up twice in one day,
(21:35):
which was probably a blessing really, because I also don't
think it's a stretch to assume that a guy that
burps into his wife's face when she wants affection doesn't
wash under his fore skin properly, so I guess he
really did do her a favor. Apologies, Mike, that was
very kind of you. If it wasn't so tragic, it'd
almost be laughable that Mike was even capable of harboring
(21:56):
any animosity towards Susan, because after all the shitful behavior
she endured, she still had enough goodness in her to
believe that this man who she'd spent a significant chunk
of her life with would never do anything to harm her,
which is why she never changed the locks or reset
the alarm code at the house, the alarm code that
was the date of their wedding. So this is exactly
(22:18):
what happened in the lead up to the night of
September sixth. A few weeks earlier, Mike had lost his
job at Fantasy Adult Video Easy. Perhaps he got busted
wanking into the mop bucket, I don't know, But because
he'd spent all his money on icy cold cans of
DC and those embarrassing collectibles, he was broke, and instead
of getting a job and actually working, he hatched a plan.
(22:43):
Mike knew that Susan's brother was the beneficiary of her
life insurance policy, but he also knew that their house,
which was worth about three hundred grand, was paid off,
and because they weren't officially divorced yet, if something were
to happen to Susan, it would be his, and so
he thought the best option was to have her killed.
(23:04):
Now remember that note in hammertimes Stinky Diary that mentioned
Mike well Police looked into Mike's whereabouts on the day
of the attack, and they found that on that morning,
he decided to take a drive to the coast, then
used a credit card to check into a hotel, which
is an excellent use of the credit card to establish
an alibi. Mike Well done. Later that night, he made
(23:25):
his way back to Portland, where he purchased a gun
for three hundred and thirty nine dollars, and you wonder
why you haven't got any coin mate. A couple of
days later, on September the eighth, a suicide note in
Mike's handwriting was found at his dad's place, and it
read all I ever wanted was to be loved, and
every time I had it, I fucked it up, and
(23:46):
you can say that again. And then he bolted. But
the police were onto his hairy, unwashed ass, and on
September thirteenth, they found him in the car park of
a medical center. An officer from the house this for
a name, Clackamus County Sheriff's Department, Christmas for people who
love Clacker's Clackamus. Anyway, it was here that Mike tells
(24:09):
officers he's about to check himself into this medical facility
because he quote had nothing to live for anymore. The
fact that you're actually checking yourself in would suggest otherwise, Mike. Actually,
I don't really know who am I to say, but
I do know that after an eleven hour involuntary psychiatric
old police decided to call bullshit and formally arrested Mike
(24:29):
for conspiracy to commit murder. It's no surprise that Mike
initially denied having any involvement in the attempt on Susan's
life because he loves baking porky pies telling lies. But
we also know that he's stunningly stupid because during initial
police interviews he denied knowing Hammertime, as though there was
(24:50):
no way anyone would ever find out that they work
together at Pornhub Videos or us. Imagine what a silly
billy he must have felt like when the cops said,
but we know that you worked together at Fantasy Adult Video,
you dun't it, to which Mike backpedaled and said, quote,
just because I know the guy doesn't mean I did anything,
which is true, except security records showed that the alarm
(25:14):
at Susan's house was disabled after she'd left for work
that morning. Mike admitted to doing this when he stuck
that note on her microwave, saying that he was going
to the beach. And you know, let's give him the
benefit of the doubt. Maybe he just forgot to arm
it when he left. But there were also no signs
of forced entry, and Mike of course denied ever giving
hammer Time access to the house. But how did he
(25:35):
get in so easily then, without any sign of breaking
a window or a lock or anything. But even so,
nothing rock solid there. But then on September eighteenth, a
guy who shared a cell with Hammer Time when they'd
been in prison together, let's call him Slim. He contacted
police when he heard about the circumstances surrounding hammer Time's death,
and he told them that Hammer had called him out
(25:57):
of the blue one day to ask if he wanted
in on any insurance scam slash burglary job. Slim wasn't sure,
but you know, he was open to it. So he
says that he goes with Hammer to meet up with
this guy who he confirmed to be Mike Kuntausen. Sorry
for that mispronunciation, it's Kunenhausen. Apologies. He says that Mike
(26:18):
offered him a whole five grand to help Hammer kill
his wife. Again with the impulsive spending Mike. And you know,
while I'm not in the criminal higher industry, I feel
like five grand to kill someone is not the going rate,
proving again that Mike is a bit of a fucking
tight ass. And then on November seventeenth, another guy comes
(26:40):
out of the woodwork, saying that he'd given hammer Time
a ride to meet up with someone, and he identified
this someone as Mike. And then, almost a year after
the attack, in August of two thousand and seven, Mike
finally pled guilty to soliciting the murder of his devastated wife, Susan.
Mike was sentenced to ten years in prison, and to
make matters worse, he had twenty percent shaved off his
(27:03):
time for good behavior. And meanwhile, poor Susan is understandably
left with some very big trauma and she's living her
life in a constant state of fear. She moved into
another home, but she was always scared that someone was
watching her, and so Susan did things like having gravel
laid around her house because the fact that it meant
that she'd be able to hear a car or footsteps
(27:25):
if anyone got close enough made her feel a little
bit more secure. But in karma, it always has the
last word. And on Friday, the thirteenth of June twenty fourteen,
just ninety two days before he was set to be
released from prison, Mike died of cancer. And what became
of our heroine Susan? You ask the lovely kicker Susan
(27:46):
who refuses to be called a hero because quote, how
can you be a hero when you took someone's life?
To which I would respond, how many lives did you
save when you put hammer Time in that championship winning choke?
Old Susan, your own was an ugh, but I reckon
a weasel like Hammertime had serious potential to continue doing
loads of bad shit if he'd lived. And Susan remained
(28:07):
a hero and continued nursing until twenty fourteen, when she
decided to put all her focus on her victim advocacy work.
In twenty seventeen, she created case Companion, which is a
free website that provides online resources and support for victims
of crime in her area and as a final testament
to the kind of woman Susan is. Here's a quote
(28:28):
she gave after learning of Mike's death. I don't mourn
his passing. Instead, I'm more on the life he could
have had if only he could have opened his heart
for those of us who cared about him. What a
woman I would have been? Like good, I'm happy that
dumb piece of shit mother pig liar is gone. I
really hope Susan is doing well, if you're listening, Hi.
(28:52):
I couldn't find much about her life currently out there,
but with the help of a calculator, I worked out
that she would be sixty nine years old today and
that's my mum's age, which makes me love her even more.
I hope you enjoyed that story, A real tale of
the best and worst of humanity, I reckon. And now
of course it's time to say farewell. Please don't forget
(29:14):
to rate, review and subscribe. It really helps us a lot,
and it's a very easy and cheap way to support us.
And by cheap, it's free and there's almost zero time
or effor required. Even Mike would have done it. So
finally I will say goodbye and as always, until next time,
take care of yourselves. Thank you for listening, Love yous,
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The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show. Clay Travis and Buck Sexton tackle the biggest stories in news, politics and current events with intelligence and humor. From the border crisis, to the madness of cancel culture and far-left missteps, Clay and Buck guide listeners through the latest headlines and hot topics with fun and entertaining conversations and opinions.