May 7, 2023 • 22 mins
Jameela Jamil tells the story of the dog who taught her to how to feel, how she saved her own life and the lengths she’ll go to for takeaway food.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Sometimes the amount of stuff we own can film overwhelming.
I'm always being told to declutter, to marry condo, it
bits and pieces parlor, and the next time we know,
everything is full of junk everywhere. Drawls won't close, sometimes
you can't even open them. Our garages are full of
the things we swear we needed, but we're never going
to get around to using. But I believe that our
belongings the things we have sometimes they tell the stories
(00:24):
of who we are, where we come from, and where
we're going. I'm Christian O'Connell, and this is the stuff
of legends. It's a very simple idea. I ask interesting
people to tell us a story of the three most
treasured items, three things that might tell us the story
of who they are. So many times we've been doing
the show, I find that guests that I'm in front
(00:45):
of actually surprise themselves with how much that object actually
meant them because they've never really shared it out loud.
They're kind of like sharing a secret out loud with us,
and you and I we just get to sit back
and hear it. Maybe it makes you think about some
of the items in your life. Let's get into they's
guest I'm in awe of her. You might want to
play to Harney on Netflix, is Awesome The Good Place?
(01:05):
Or seen you as a Marvel villim Titania in She Hulk.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Hello. My name is Jamina Jamil.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
The Fierce Activist. In twenty eighteen, Jamila launched Ewey, a
radically inclusive online platform. There's also now a brilliant podcast
that I love, well worth checking out. There's some really
funny chats on there. I want to add in a
content warning hire we do start to talk about suicide
and self harm. Now, if that is too much for
you today, I completely understand that maybe today's show isn't
(01:35):
for you. Jamila in this though is always open and
honest and insightful, and today is no different. This is
a great conversation. I hope you enjoy it all right, Jamina.
So are you somebody that does collect quite a few
(01:56):
things over the years? Are you a hoarder? Or is
this quite difficult to find the objects?
Speaker 2 (02:01):
It was actually very difficult to find the objects because
I'm not a sentimental person at all, and so you know,
I don't really have fears of anything burning down in
a fire, like I'm just not attached to any things,
not any things, but like, I'm not attached to many things,
so it's a fucking nightmare to buy me presents. You know,
(02:24):
I've been with my boyfriend for eight years and he
knows he's had to come to accept at this point,
I just want meals, like I really like that. That
is the only thing that moves me. Food is love.
It's very South Asian of me.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Yeah, but it's what you're giving someone then if you're
going out for food, because some of your best conversations
in life are over a meal, aren't they, And it
isn't just about the quality of the food. It's about
so much more than that. You're giving them an amazing
experience when you go out and have a really great
meal with good company, right, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
I think I live from experience to experience. So I'm
very kind of focused on what if. I know this
sounds really dark, but what if I die today? And
so that gives me this kind of drive to do
exactly what I want every single day and to make
the most of every conversation, every meal. It's made me
quite a cutthroat person.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
I don't make any.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
About what I wear because you know, your ghost is
going to be wearing whatever you've died in forever, in perpetuity.
So I'm very thoughtful about that. If I haunt people,
I want to look chic. It's dark inside this head.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
No, no, no, it's not at all. You're right, there's
not enough consideration about the afterlife and outfit options are there?
You know, we don't. No one ever talks about that
side of it. You know, you don't want to be
shabbily dressed for the afterlife or a possible haunting. You
want to be an outfit that actually you're very happy with.
And actually I don't think there's anything wrong with her
on actually just crystallizing that time is precious and why
(03:49):
waste it? And I always a if I'm lucky enough
to be on my deathbed and saying goodbye to all
the people I love, and you've got like that highlight
reel of your life, it is going to be the scenes,
those experiences, those meals. Isn't to be the things, really,
is it?
Speaker 2 (04:02):
No? No, definitely not, definitely. Not The most clutter I
have in my house's takeaway boxes?
Speaker 1 (04:07):
All right, So is this mainly going to be three
different takeaway boxes?
Speaker 2 (04:11):
Oh? No, it isn't.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
All right, let's find out what was the first item
you chosen to share with us today.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
Speaking of things that I would be worried about in
a fire, the only thing I care about is making
sure that I can protect my dog, get my dog
out of them. My dog is like my most prize.
It feels a little bit weird to call a living
being a possession, but he is mine. He has got
my surname, and so I think I think my dog
might be my most prized thing, the thing that I
(04:42):
care about the most, the thing that I would do
anything to preserve.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
All right, So is this one of the one of
the things. Then is this the first one? Shall we say?
Is it your dog?
Speaker 2 (04:50):
I think it is my dog?
Speaker 1 (04:51):
You know, well it sounds like it is. Tell me
about your dog then, so what breed have you got?
Speaker 2 (04:54):
He's a poodle spaniel mutt type. He's extremely cute, like
sort of Kate Moss level. Photogenetic, is devastating. He eats
me up in every photograph. You know, you can't be
photographed with this dog. Just went back to London, and
I used to be relatively well known in London because
I had a big career there for eight years. And
(05:15):
no one recognizes me anymore. But everyone wants to stop
the dog. It's like going out with Billy fucking Eyelish.
It's mad.
Speaker 1 (05:23):
And you're clipsed by the dog exactly.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
And he was given to me as a present to
try to make me feel But.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
That feels like some sort of intervention.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
What do you mean to make I'm quite a pragmatic,
detached person. I'm sure I'm coming across this incredibly charming
right now, but I can be I can be quite
a detached person, and I don't like I'm not sentimental,
and this is kind of this is demonstrated by how
hard it was when I was asked for these three
(05:56):
things to come up with, because I don't feel these attachments,
and so I think it was it was probably a
test by my boyfriend to find out if I'm actually
a sociopath, like if I actually feel something for an
adorable creature. And I'm completely in love with the dog.
And the dog has softened me up as a person
so much and kind of opened up this sort of
(06:17):
maternal side to me that has also ensured that I
will never have children. That's it. If the hope of
everyone was to get me to feel maternal and then
want a baby that has backfired immensely, and he's filled
the void.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
So what is the dog's and he said, he's got
your surname. Is that his actual name?
Speaker 2 (06:36):
His first name is stupid? No, that's not his actual name.
His first name is Barold, which is like Harold would
a bee. Because a friend of mine is so overly
posh that when I said I wanted to call him Barry,
with Barry being my favorite name in the world, she
was like, oh, is that short for barrel? Because of
Harry and Harold. This is an infinitely stupid name going
(06:58):
with this? And so now now I have this dog
that sounds like a dusty old professor and he's fantastic.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
He sounds like a Harry Potter sort of character, doesn't
he barreled Professor Baron?
Speaker 2 (07:09):
Yeah, yeah he is. And he's you know, he's gay.
He's in a relationship with a he's got a sort
of sexy, bisexual French boyfriend, a French bulldog called Bo.
He's living the West Hollywood high life in Los Angeles.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
Bo and Barreled feels like a movie that needs to
be made by jud Appatou.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
I know, no he's really great, and he's just he
means more to me than I ever knew an animal could.
I've never been a big animal person, and now that's it.
I'm just a melted pot of good.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
Yeah. But they give you this amazing unconditional love. They
require next to nothing from you. They just transmit love,
don't they.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
It's like getting a standing ovation every time you walk
in the room. They don't have to have a distorted
sense of time. It's very rare that a human well,
as soon as they see you start screaming and piss
themselves and then jump allred. You look you on your face,
And that's probably a good thing. And this is an
elderly confused something that I expect.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
And so where does Barreld sleep? Has he got his
own bed? Or was he on the bed in the
bed with you?
Speaker 2 (08:14):
No? No, no, no, no, no no no no, that would
be the death of the sex life.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (08:18):
So he's in a little cute den that he's got
that he stays in until the morning.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
And has he got treats, the collar everything.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
Oh he's got all the shit. Yeah yeah, Oh, I've
poured all of my life. I'm probably one of those
truly unhinged people who treats their dog like their child,
the worst kind of people, the people that I swore
I would never become. I'm fully there. He's got all
the newest toys. I spent hours browsing for things to
bring him toy and they don't mean anything to him.
He's got no frontal lobe. He doesn't give a shit.
(08:49):
But it makes me happy. It's a bit sad, but.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Now it's not. I've got two dogs and they are
They're just such great company because they don't require anything
from you other than just just can you just be
around Can you just be around me? That's it.
Speaker 2 (09:03):
They're so much better than people, aren't they.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
I hate to say this, but yes, sometimes words and
that get in the way. You just intimacity's silence.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
The frontal lobe was the worst thing about them to society.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
Your boy boyfriend, I'm thinking you must be looking at
going if only you would have a frontal lobotomy, and
this relationship would be amazing.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
Oh god, it was great. It's like it was just
the most brilliant gesture from him. Although you know, it
came point where I became, you know, a little bit
too fixated with the dog. I forgot about him for
a little while, but no, he's he's great. We love
we love this this little rotter.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
All right, so we got barrels. Yeah, okay, what is
your next item?
Speaker 2 (09:51):
The dog that taught me how to feel? My next
item is and this is terribly boogie of me. It's
going to sound boogie, but it's not. It's a bit dark.
Can go dark.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
I don't do as dark as you want. Okay, there
is no dubtness on this show. There's any light.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
Okay. So I tried to take my own life when
I was twenty six years old, and I did it
in this kind of very It wasn't the first time
I tried, but this time I was sure it was
going to be it. I was like, right, I'm going
to do everything I've wanted to do, just kind of
just like sort of silly, frivolous things. I'm going to
(10:25):
spend all of my life savings on this kind of
final week of my life. Just do everything I want
to do. I did this. I lived it up, and
yet still was very dedicated to ending it at the
end of that week because I just was living a
life that I was completely unable to survive. At the
time I attempted to take my life and had this
(10:50):
word with myself in which I thought, Okay, well this
is twice now that I've tried, perhaps I'm supposed to
stick around. And so if I I'm going to stay here,
I'm going to do everything in my human power to
change every single aspect of my life that has gotten
me to this low point. I'm going to use myself
(11:11):
as a full crash test dummy to try anything and
everything for as long as it takes, however selfish it is,
however chaotic it is. I'm going to save my own life.
And so I went and I bought myself this tiny
Tiffany's diamond necklace as a little reminder to myself that
I will have one every day for about seven years,
(11:33):
to remind myself of this honor that I have to
myself to save my life. I think a lot of
us don't realize that we have more agency, especially those
of us with children. I think it gets harder when
you have people who depend on you. But there is
more agency than you think, and a lot of us
over extend ourselves for our families, or for loved ones,
or for bosses. We allow these figures in our life
(11:56):
to dictate the decisions that we make, and I think
that can be increase and very literally dangerous. And I
had been pushed to a point where I didn't want
to be here anymore. And I had all the things
that you're supposed to want. I had the money, I
had the fame, I had the you know, the praise
of everyone around me. I was sort of like this,
(12:16):
like DJ, this model, this it girl, and yet the
people around me were destroying my life.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
Was it like you, You felt like you were giving
too much of yourself away, and what you did, or
what you learned, was to call yourself back, almost bring
yourself back to you, your own sovereignty, your power.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
One hundred percent. Yeah. I was just being taken advantage
of and emotionally abused in a way that just felt
like like nothing can fix this, nothing is worth sticking
around in this, and I felt like I had no
way out. And so often we actually do have a
way out, we're just afraid of being self serving enough
to take that selfish step. And I think selfishness has
(12:59):
got a really bad reputation. I highly advocate for some selfishness,
some levels of like manageable selfishness, manageable self servingness. And
so this diamond necklace was this kind of pledge to
myself of like it's a new day, and so I
treated myself as if I was almost newly born. And
it's been a kind of ten year experiment to do
whatever I want in order to save my life. So
(13:20):
I've stopped holding anything in. I get literally everything on
my chest to mixed results on Twitter. I've learned the
power of the word no. I have invested in the
things that bring me joy. I've cut off, whether it
be family members, loved ones, friends, cut off anyone who
oversteps my boundaries and causes me pain and isn't willing
to change. And I think that low point was one
(13:44):
of the best things that ever happened to me.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
Wow, what a beautiful thing to say, you literally brought
yourself back from the dead.
Speaker 2 (13:52):
I did. I did, And this tenure experiment seems to
have worked, because I'm still here and I'm actually the
happiest I've ever been. I'd never been happy before. You know,
I had an incredibly tough childhood, incredibly abusive childhood, grew
up caring for so many like deeply, deeply mentally ill people.
I wish it can't have been easy for them either,
but it's extraordinary to know. And I'm so glad I
(14:15):
hung on, and I urge anyone else to hang on.
Shit can't get worse than this. You have nothing to lose,
throw everything at saving your own life. I beg of you,
because it can get better, and my life has. I'm
finally happy. One funny thing about that, though, is that
because I thought I was going to die, I did
burn through all of my money, including that fucking diamond
(14:37):
necklace to say, so that was the only flip side
of that, You know, I really I spent it like
I wasn't taking it with me and I didn't want
to pass it on to so I really fucked myself there.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
To be honest, listen, I just have to bow down
and respect your story of redemption. It's like your own resurrection.
There's something incredib when you're right. A very close friend
of mine took his life a couple of years ago,
and we we thank you. We were devastated, but I
always think that he just wanted the pain in that
moment everything becase he couldn't simplify it all. Everything was
(15:09):
too much was unbearable, and I think he'd lost himself.
He didn't know where he'd begun, and the end he
sort of dissolved and he couldn't work out how to
get himself through it. I think he wanted to end
it in that moment. I don't think he wanted to
end his life. But to me, thank you for trusting
me with that story. It's an amazing story. And just
I can hear it, I can feel it, I can
see what you've made from that moment. Is it's almost
(15:32):
like your life begun again, or actually properly begun then
the real you you found, the real.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
It feels like, Yeah, it feels like I'm ten years
old now. It feels as though that was my first
experience of ever living a life. I'd never ever been
given permission to live my life for myself, and it
was the first time I did, and it completely changed
the way that I saw everything. And now I'm kind
of on a mission with my podcast and with all
of the work that I do to make sure no
one hits the depths that I've hit, and if they do,
(15:59):
hopefully they won't feel so alone.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Yeah, it's like sometimes the breaking apart that we have
is necessary and vital because you kind of reveal the
real you that's just waiting there like a sort of pearl,
just waiting to be sort of opened up and emerging
into the world. And you're right, sometimes we feel like
we need someone else's permission to do that. Okay, do
(16:24):
you mean that's so far? Then you've shared with us
that you've chosen your dog barreled, your diamond necklace. What
is the third and final item you've got today? On
Stuff of Legends?
Speaker 2 (16:35):
My next item again not terribly frivolous, but it's all
the scars all over my body, including the massive stretch
marks are above my tits, on my tits, I oddly
love them. I hated all my scars so much. I
have this condition called ailers down lasndrome. It's a lack
of coologen. It means that anything that even grazes me
(16:57):
will scar me. It kind of means that, like, while
my body looks like I've had sex with Edward Susan's
just I'm just covered in scars. It's kind of become
this amazing scrapbook of my life and some of these
injuries that I have, like these forever reminders of like
as you grow older, you grow this kind of affection.
(17:19):
I don't take a lot of photographs. I wish I
took more, but I always forget to capture the moment.
And so it's almost like my skin has been capturing
some of the funniest and stupidest and chaotic moments of
my life for me.
Speaker 1 (17:33):
Yay, kind of your own walking photo album. Away of
like the moment you like your own museum.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
Oh, it's fantastic. I mean talk about my love for takeaway. Right.
I've got this incredible scar across my knee. I'm looking
at it right now and it's clear that I've had
just a lot of stitches on it. And it's this
brilliant crisscross from when I was running for a Lamb
curry at life speed because there really is nothing I
won't do for food. And it was about eleven PM
(18:01):
and the currymundle was about to close and I was
running like my life depended on it, and I fell
over and split my knee op and had to go
to the hospital instead. Never got curry, but just silling
things like that. I've got sex accidents. I have multiple
scars from being a super villain in Marvel playing Titania,
and so I've got kind of little marks and scars
(18:23):
from doing that. That's a reminder. I've got places where
my dog scratched me that remind me of him. It's
this weird new way I've kind of twisted my thinking
around my body getting bigger, meaning I'm taking up more
space in the world. And that's kind of cool and
revolutionary for someone who's been in this industry that's been
telling me to shrink myself my whole life. I kind
of love it all. And I find scars so sexy
(18:43):
on other people, and so I don't know why I
was so ashamed of mine when I was younger, but
I've grown to think they're fucking fantastic.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
You're right, these scars are they your own, They're part
of the store of your life.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
On the do you have any like big scars that
from like a significant thing that you can like, Do
you have any any kind of massive scars or you're
not terribly scarry?
Speaker 1 (19:03):
No, I've actually got I've got quite a few now
I think about it. I've literally got a scar on
my knuckle from after seeing the Rocky movie going home
and trying to turn my beanbag into a rocky makeshift
improvised punch bag and hoisted it over my bedroom door.
Went to throw its kind of punch and hit my
bedpost and broke two of my knuckles. And men have
(19:26):
to go to A and E. And because I was
just a kid, I told them actually rather than make
a story up. And I remember I heard the doctor
go out from this little cubicle tell somebody else, and
I heard them laughing, and someone come in just to
clearly have a look at the idiotic thirteen year old
who thought he was Rocky Balboa. But yeah, you're right,
the scars have got these stories. When you say you're
not sentimental pastic.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
They're fantastic. Yeah. I mean, I've got so many stretchhots
across my ass it looks like an at Z of London.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
Actually, drivers could have to study you for the knowledge.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
Yeah, honestly, it's like hieroglyphics or something. Though, it's just bonkers.
These are my own. These are my own weird cave paintings,
I think. And so you know, I'm I'm just gonna
keep living my life now without being so fucking concerned
about it. It's just a free tattoo it's really a
free tattoo.
Speaker 1 (20:15):
I've got to say right as well. I just think
for someone who began this by saying they're not very sentimental,
I think you're incredibly sentimental. I think you're more more
in your heart, yeah, way more. Just see when you
talk about these and the affection for them, I think
you're way more.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
Well.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Listen, Jamia, thank you so much for your honesty and
sharing some beautiful moments with us as well. I've got
so much from this chat. I hope you have as well.
I've really really enjoyed it. Thank you.
Speaker 2 (20:41):
Yeah, I've had I've had a lovely, lovely time. Thank
you so much.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
Hope. I speak for you as well. But every time
I do stuff of legends, I leave the conversation with something,
but it's stirred up on me. And today so much
has come out of the chat with Jamila. The scars
on our bodies can be cherished. I'm looking at some
of the ones on my body as well. We're a
great reminder, timely reminder us to live every day like
(21:11):
you're actually dying, and to always wear a great outfit
just in case our ghost is ever stuck wearing it
for eternity. Just reminder Jamina's brilliant podcast, Eyeway is available
wherever you get your podcasts. If you liked our conversation today,
then you will love Eyeway. There are certain episodes I'd
go back to time and time again, so I listened to.
Please follow Stuff of Legends on the iHeartRadio app to
(21:33):
find out our next guest and to listen to the
first season where there's some great chats with Ricky Gervais, Hey,
Miss Blake, sell Us Barber, Matthew McConaughey and loadsmore. Oh,
I forgot about my mate Russell Brand. I'm Christian O'Connell
and I'll see you next time, I hope on Stuff
of Legends. If you or someone you care about need support,
(22:02):
services are available in Australia. You can call Lifeline on
thirteen eleven fourteen or Beyond Blue on thirteen hundred double
two four six three six. If you listen to this
outside of Australia, please check the show notes for websites
that can help you. If you're in an emergency or
an immediate risk of harm to yourself or others, please
(22:24):
call Triple zero in Australia or Emergency Services in your country,
Sometimes the amount of stuff we own can film overwhelming.
I'm always being told to declutter, to marry condo, it
bits and pieces parlor, and the next time we know,
everything is full of junk everywhere. Drawls won't close, sometimes
you can't even open them. Our garages are full of
the things we swear we needed, but we're never going
to get around to using. But I believe that our
belongings the things we have sometimes they tell the stories
(00:24):
of who we are, where we come from, and where
we're going. I'm Christian O'Connell, and this is the stuff
of legends. It's a very simple idea. I ask interesting
people to tell us a story of the three most
treasured items, three things that might tell us the story
of who they are. So many times we've been doing
the show, I find that guests that I'm in front
(00:45):
of actually surprise themselves with how much that object actually
meant them because they've never really shared it out loud.
They're kind of like sharing a secret out loud with us,
and you and I we just get to sit back
and hear it. Maybe it makes you think about some
of the items in your life. Let's get into they's
guest I'm in awe of her. You might want to
play to Harney on Netflix, is Awesome The Good Place?
(01:05):
Or seen you as a Marvel villim Titania in She Hulk.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Hello. My name is Jamina Jamil.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
The Fierce Activist. In twenty eighteen, Jamila launched Ewey, a
radically inclusive online platform. There's also now a brilliant podcast
that I love, well worth checking out. There's some really
funny chats on there. I want to add in a
content warning hire we do start to talk about suicide
and self harm. Now, if that is too much for
you today, I completely understand that maybe today's show isn't
(01:35):
for you. Jamila in this though is always open and
honest and insightful, and today is no different. This is
a great conversation. I hope you enjoy it all right, Jamina.
So are you somebody that does collect quite a few
(01:56):
things over the years? Are you a hoarder? Or is
this quite difficult to find the objects?
Speaker 2 (02:01):
It was actually very difficult to find the objects because
I'm not a sentimental person at all, and so you know,
I don't really have fears of anything burning down in
a fire, like I'm just not attached to any things,
not any things, but like, I'm not attached to many things,
so it's a fucking nightmare to buy me presents. You know,
(02:24):
I've been with my boyfriend for eight years and he
knows he's had to come to accept at this point,
I just want meals, like I really like that. That
is the only thing that moves me. Food is love.
It's very South Asian of me.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Yeah, but it's what you're giving someone then if you're
going out for food, because some of your best conversations
in life are over a meal, aren't they, And it
isn't just about the quality of the food. It's about
so much more than that. You're giving them an amazing
experience when you go out and have a really great
meal with good company, right, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
I think I live from experience to experience. So I'm
very kind of focused on what if. I know this
sounds really dark, but what if I die today? And
so that gives me this kind of drive to do
exactly what I want every single day and to make
the most of every conversation, every meal. It's made me
quite a cutthroat person.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
I don't make any.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
About what I wear because you know, your ghost is
going to be wearing whatever you've died in forever, in perpetuity.
So I'm very thoughtful about that. If I haunt people,
I want to look chic. It's dark inside this head.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
No, no, no, it's not at all. You're right, there's
not enough consideration about the afterlife and outfit options are there?
You know, we don't. No one ever talks about that
side of it. You know, you don't want to be
shabbily dressed for the afterlife or a possible haunting. You
want to be an outfit that actually you're very happy with.
And actually I don't think there's anything wrong with her
on actually just crystallizing that time is precious and why
(03:49):
waste it? And I always a if I'm lucky enough
to be on my deathbed and saying goodbye to all
the people I love, and you've got like that highlight
reel of your life, it is going to be the scenes,
those experiences, those meals. Isn't to be the things, really,
is it?
Speaker 2 (04:02):
No? No, definitely not, definitely. Not The most clutter I
have in my house's takeaway boxes?
Speaker 1 (04:07):
All right, So is this mainly going to be three
different takeaway boxes?
Speaker 2 (04:11):
Oh? No, it isn't.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
All right, let's find out what was the first item
you chosen to share with us today.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
Speaking of things that I would be worried about in
a fire, the only thing I care about is making
sure that I can protect my dog, get my dog
out of them. My dog is like my most prize.
It feels a little bit weird to call a living
being a possession, but he is mine. He has got
my surname, and so I think I think my dog
might be my most prized thing, the thing that I
(04:42):
care about the most, the thing that I would do
anything to preserve.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
All right, So is this one of the one of
the things. Then is this the first one? Shall we say?
Is it your dog?
Speaker 2 (04:50):
I think it is my dog?
Speaker 1 (04:51):
You know, well it sounds like it is. Tell me
about your dog then, so what breed have you got?
Speaker 2 (04:54):
He's a poodle spaniel mutt type. He's extremely cute, like
sort of Kate Moss level. Photogenetic, is devastating. He eats
me up in every photograph. You know, you can't be
photographed with this dog. Just went back to London, and
I used to be relatively well known in London because
I had a big career there for eight years. And
(05:15):
no one recognizes me anymore. But everyone wants to stop
the dog. It's like going out with Billy fucking Eyelish.
It's mad.
Speaker 1 (05:23):
And you're clipsed by the dog exactly.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
And he was given to me as a present to
try to make me feel But.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
That feels like some sort of intervention.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
What do you mean to make I'm quite a pragmatic,
detached person. I'm sure I'm coming across this incredibly charming
right now, but I can be I can be quite
a detached person, and I don't like I'm not sentimental,
and this is kind of this is demonstrated by how
hard it was when I was asked for these three
(05:56):
things to come up with, because I don't feel these attachments,
and so I think it was it was probably a
test by my boyfriend to find out if I'm actually
a sociopath, like if I actually feel something for an
adorable creature. And I'm completely in love with the dog.
And the dog has softened me up as a person
so much and kind of opened up this sort of
(06:17):
maternal side to me that has also ensured that I
will never have children. That's it. If the hope of
everyone was to get me to feel maternal and then
want a baby that has backfired immensely, and he's filled
the void.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
So what is the dog's and he said, he's got
your surname. Is that his actual name?
Speaker 2 (06:36):
His first name is stupid? No, that's not his actual name.
His first name is Barold, which is like Harold would
a bee. Because a friend of mine is so overly
posh that when I said I wanted to call him Barry,
with Barry being my favorite name in the world, she
was like, oh, is that short for barrel? Because of
Harry and Harold. This is an infinitely stupid name going
(06:58):
with this? And so now now I have this dog
that sounds like a dusty old professor and he's fantastic.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
He sounds like a Harry Potter sort of character, doesn't
he barreled Professor Baron?
Speaker 2 (07:09):
Yeah, yeah he is. And he's you know, he's gay.
He's in a relationship with a he's got a sort
of sexy, bisexual French boyfriend, a French bulldog called Bo.
He's living the West Hollywood high life in Los Angeles.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
Bo and Barreled feels like a movie that needs to
be made by jud Appatou.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
I know, no he's really great, and he's just he
means more to me than I ever knew an animal could.
I've never been a big animal person, and now that's it.
I'm just a melted pot of good.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
Yeah. But they give you this amazing unconditional love. They
require next to nothing from you. They just transmit love,
don't they.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
It's like getting a standing ovation every time you walk
in the room. They don't have to have a distorted
sense of time. It's very rare that a human well,
as soon as they see you start screaming and piss
themselves and then jump allred. You look you on your face,
And that's probably a good thing. And this is an
elderly confused something that I expect.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
And so where does Barreld sleep? Has he got his
own bed? Or was he on the bed in the
bed with you?
Speaker 2 (08:14):
No? No, no, no, no, no no no no, that would
be the death of the sex life.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (08:18):
So he's in a little cute den that he's got
that he stays in until the morning.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
And has he got treats, the collar everything.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
Oh he's got all the shit. Yeah yeah, Oh, I've
poured all of my life. I'm probably one of those
truly unhinged people who treats their dog like their child,
the worst kind of people, the people that I swore
I would never become. I'm fully there. He's got all
the newest toys. I spent hours browsing for things to
bring him toy and they don't mean anything to him.
He's got no frontal lobe. He doesn't give a shit.
(08:49):
But it makes me happy. It's a bit sad, but.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Now it's not. I've got two dogs and they are
They're just such great company because they don't require anything
from you other than just just can you just be
around Can you just be around me? That's it.
Speaker 2 (09:03):
They're so much better than people, aren't they.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
I hate to say this, but yes, sometimes words and
that get in the way. You just intimacity's silence.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
The frontal lobe was the worst thing about them to society.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
Your boy boyfriend, I'm thinking you must be looking at
going if only you would have a frontal lobotomy, and
this relationship would be amazing.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
Oh god, it was great. It's like it was just
the most brilliant gesture from him. Although you know, it
came point where I became, you know, a little bit
too fixated with the dog. I forgot about him for
a little while, but no, he's he's great. We love
we love this this little rotter.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
All right, so we got barrels. Yeah, okay, what is
your next item?
Speaker 2 (09:51):
The dog that taught me how to feel? My next
item is and this is terribly boogie of me. It's
going to sound boogie, but it's not. It's a bit dark.
Can go dark.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
I don't do as dark as you want. Okay, there
is no dubtness on this show. There's any light.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
Okay. So I tried to take my own life when
I was twenty six years old, and I did it
in this kind of very It wasn't the first time
I tried, but this time I was sure it was
going to be it. I was like, right, I'm going
to do everything I've wanted to do, just kind of
just like sort of silly, frivolous things. I'm going to
(10:25):
spend all of my life savings on this kind of
final week of my life. Just do everything I want
to do. I did this. I lived it up, and
yet still was very dedicated to ending it at the
end of that week because I just was living a
life that I was completely unable to survive. At the
time I attempted to take my life and had this
(10:50):
word with myself in which I thought, Okay, well this
is twice now that I've tried, perhaps I'm supposed to
stick around. And so if I I'm going to stay here,
I'm going to do everything in my human power to
change every single aspect of my life that has gotten
me to this low point. I'm going to use myself
(11:11):
as a full crash test dummy to try anything and
everything for as long as it takes, however selfish it is,
however chaotic it is. I'm going to save my own life.
And so I went and I bought myself this tiny
Tiffany's diamond necklace as a little reminder to myself that
I will have one every day for about seven years,
(11:33):
to remind myself of this honor that I have to
myself to save my life. I think a lot of
us don't realize that we have more agency, especially those
of us with children. I think it gets harder when
you have people who depend on you. But there is
more agency than you think, and a lot of us
over extend ourselves for our families, or for loved ones,
or for bosses. We allow these figures in our life
(11:56):
to dictate the decisions that we make, and I think
that can be increase and very literally dangerous. And I
had been pushed to a point where I didn't want
to be here anymore. And I had all the things
that you're supposed to want. I had the money, I
had the fame, I had the you know, the praise
of everyone around me. I was sort of like this,
(12:16):
like DJ, this model, this it girl, and yet the
people around me were destroying my life.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
Was it like you, You felt like you were giving
too much of yourself away, and what you did, or
what you learned, was to call yourself back, almost bring
yourself back to you, your own sovereignty, your power.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
One hundred percent. Yeah. I was just being taken advantage
of and emotionally abused in a way that just felt
like like nothing can fix this, nothing is worth sticking
around in this, and I felt like I had no
way out. And so often we actually do have a
way out, we're just afraid of being self serving enough
to take that selfish step. And I think selfishness has
(12:59):
got a really bad reputation. I highly advocate for some selfishness,
some levels of like manageable selfishness, manageable self servingness. And
so this diamond necklace was this kind of pledge to
myself of like it's a new day, and so I
treated myself as if I was almost newly born. And
it's been a kind of ten year experiment to do
whatever I want in order to save my life. So
(13:20):
I've stopped holding anything in. I get literally everything on
my chest to mixed results on Twitter. I've learned the
power of the word no. I have invested in the
things that bring me joy. I've cut off, whether it
be family members, loved ones, friends, cut off anyone who
oversteps my boundaries and causes me pain and isn't willing
to change. And I think that low point was one
(13:44):
of the best things that ever happened to me.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
Wow, what a beautiful thing to say, you literally brought
yourself back from the dead.
Speaker 2 (13:52):
I did. I did, And this tenure experiment seems to
have worked, because I'm still here and I'm actually the
happiest I've ever been. I'd never been happy before. You know,
I had an incredibly tough childhood, incredibly abusive childhood, grew
up caring for so many like deeply, deeply mentally ill people.
I wish it can't have been easy for them either,
but it's extraordinary to know. And I'm so glad I
(14:15):
hung on, and I urge anyone else to hang on.
Shit can't get worse than this. You have nothing to lose,
throw everything at saving your own life. I beg of you,
because it can get better, and my life has. I'm
finally happy. One funny thing about that, though, is that
because I thought I was going to die, I did
burn through all of my money, including that fucking diamond
(14:37):
necklace to say, so that was the only flip side
of that, You know, I really I spent it like
I wasn't taking it with me and I didn't want
to pass it on to so I really fucked myself there.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
To be honest, listen, I just have to bow down
and respect your story of redemption. It's like your own resurrection.
There's something incredib when you're right. A very close friend
of mine took his life a couple of years ago,
and we we thank you. We were devastated, but I
always think that he just wanted the pain in that
moment everything becase he couldn't simplify it all. Everything was
(15:09):
too much was unbearable, and I think he'd lost himself.
He didn't know where he'd begun, and the end he
sort of dissolved and he couldn't work out how to
get himself through it. I think he wanted to end
it in that moment. I don't think he wanted to
end his life. But to me, thank you for trusting
me with that story. It's an amazing story. And just
I can hear it, I can feel it, I can
see what you've made from that moment. Is it's almost
(15:32):
like your life begun again, or actually properly begun then
the real you you found, the real.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
It feels like, Yeah, it feels like I'm ten years
old now. It feels as though that was my first
experience of ever living a life. I'd never ever been
given permission to live my life for myself, and it
was the first time I did, and it completely changed
the way that I saw everything. And now I'm kind
of on a mission with my podcast and with all
of the work that I do to make sure no
one hits the depths that I've hit, and if they do,
(15:59):
hopefully they won't feel so alone.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Yeah, it's like sometimes the breaking apart that we have
is necessary and vital because you kind of reveal the
real you that's just waiting there like a sort of pearl,
just waiting to be sort of opened up and emerging
into the world. And you're right, sometimes we feel like
we need someone else's permission to do that. Okay, do
(16:24):
you mean that's so far? Then you've shared with us
that you've chosen your dog barreled, your diamond necklace. What
is the third and final item you've got today? On
Stuff of Legends?
Speaker 2 (16:35):
My next item again not terribly frivolous, but it's all
the scars all over my body, including the massive stretch
marks are above my tits, on my tits, I oddly
love them. I hated all my scars so much. I
have this condition called ailers down lasndrome. It's a lack
of coologen. It means that anything that even grazes me
(16:57):
will scar me. It kind of means that, like, while
my body looks like I've had sex with Edward Susan's
just I'm just covered in scars. It's kind of become
this amazing scrapbook of my life and some of these
injuries that I have, like these forever reminders of like
as you grow older, you grow this kind of affection.
(17:19):
I don't take a lot of photographs. I wish I
took more, but I always forget to capture the moment.
And so it's almost like my skin has been capturing
some of the funniest and stupidest and chaotic moments of
my life for me.
Speaker 1 (17:33):
Yay, kind of your own walking photo album. Away of
like the moment you like your own museum.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
Oh, it's fantastic. I mean talk about my love for takeaway. Right.
I've got this incredible scar across my knee. I'm looking
at it right now and it's clear that I've had
just a lot of stitches on it. And it's this
brilliant crisscross from when I was running for a Lamb
curry at life speed because there really is nothing I
won't do for food. And it was about eleven PM
(18:01):
and the currymundle was about to close and I was
running like my life depended on it, and I fell
over and split my knee op and had to go
to the hospital instead. Never got curry, but just silling
things like that. I've got sex accidents. I have multiple
scars from being a super villain in Marvel playing Titania,
and so I've got kind of little marks and scars
(18:23):
from doing that. That's a reminder. I've got places where
my dog scratched me that remind me of him. It's
this weird new way I've kind of twisted my thinking
around my body getting bigger, meaning I'm taking up more
space in the world. And that's kind of cool and
revolutionary for someone who's been in this industry that's been
telling me to shrink myself my whole life. I kind
of love it all. And I find scars so sexy
(18:43):
on other people, and so I don't know why I
was so ashamed of mine when I was younger, but
I've grown to think they're fucking fantastic.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
You're right, these scars are they your own, They're part
of the store of your life.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
On the do you have any like big scars that
from like a significant thing that you can like, Do
you have any any kind of massive scars or you're
not terribly scarry?
Speaker 1 (19:03):
No, I've actually got I've got quite a few now
I think about it. I've literally got a scar on
my knuckle from after seeing the Rocky movie going home
and trying to turn my beanbag into a rocky makeshift
improvised punch bag and hoisted it over my bedroom door.
Went to throw its kind of punch and hit my
bedpost and broke two of my knuckles. And men have
(19:26):
to go to A and E. And because I was
just a kid, I told them actually rather than make
a story up. And I remember I heard the doctor
go out from this little cubicle tell somebody else, and
I heard them laughing, and someone come in just to
clearly have a look at the idiotic thirteen year old
who thought he was Rocky Balboa. But yeah, you're right,
the scars have got these stories. When you say you're
not sentimental pastic.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
They're fantastic. Yeah. I mean, I've got so many stretchhots
across my ass it looks like an at Z of London.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
Actually, drivers could have to study you for the knowledge.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
Yeah, honestly, it's like hieroglyphics or something. Though, it's just bonkers.
These are my own. These are my own weird cave paintings,
I think. And so you know, I'm I'm just gonna
keep living my life now without being so fucking concerned
about it. It's just a free tattoo it's really a
free tattoo.
Speaker 1 (20:15):
I've got to say right as well. I just think
for someone who began this by saying they're not very sentimental,
I think you're incredibly sentimental. I think you're more more
in your heart, yeah, way more. Just see when you
talk about these and the affection for them, I think
you're way more.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
Well.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Listen, Jamia, thank you so much for your honesty and
sharing some beautiful moments with us as well. I've got
so much from this chat. I hope you have as well.
I've really really enjoyed it. Thank you.
Speaker 2 (20:41):
Yeah, I've had I've had a lovely, lovely time. Thank
you so much.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
Hope. I speak for you as well. But every time
I do stuff of legends, I leave the conversation with something,
but it's stirred up on me. And today so much
has come out of the chat with Jamila. The scars
on our bodies can be cherished. I'm looking at some
of the ones on my body as well. We're a
great reminder, timely reminder us to live every day like
(21:11):
you're actually dying, and to always wear a great outfit
just in case our ghost is ever stuck wearing it
for eternity. Just reminder Jamina's brilliant podcast, Eyeway is available
wherever you get your podcasts. If you liked our conversation today,
then you will love Eyeway. There are certain episodes I'd
go back to time and time again, so I listened to.
Please follow Stuff of Legends on the iHeartRadio app to
(21:33):
find out our next guest and to listen to the
first season where there's some great chats with Ricky Gervais, Hey,
Miss Blake, sell Us Barber, Matthew McConaughey and loadsmore. Oh,
I forgot about my mate Russell Brand. I'm Christian O'Connell
and I'll see you next time, I hope on Stuff
of Legends. If you or someone you care about need support,
(22:02):
services are available in Australia. You can call Lifeline on
thirteen eleven fourteen or Beyond Blue on thirteen hundred double
two four six three six. If you listen to this
outside of Australia, please check the show notes for websites
that can help you. If you're in an emergency or
an immediate risk of harm to yourself or others, please
(22:24):
call Triple zero in Australia or Emergency Services in your country,
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