Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
I would like to acknowledge the traditional owners of the
land on which this episode is being recorded, the Komboo
Marry people. We pay our respects to elders past, present
and emerging and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and
Torres Strait Islander peoples. Today I'm your host, Georgie Stevenson,
(00:22):
and this is the Rise and Concer podcast. This is
the podcast where we ch have mindset, self development and
becoming your higher self mix soon with a lot of laughs,
plus behind the scenes of my life running two businesses
and being among Think of us as the perfect combo
(00:43):
of brunch with your besties mixed with self development. No
matter where you are in your journey, We're here to
help you be curious, pull yourself out and embrace radical
self awareness. If you're ready to get into the driver's
seat of your own life, stop letting life pass you by,
then you're in the right place.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Hey everyone, and welcome back to the podcast. We are
so excited for today's episode. It is with the beautiful Elena,
who is a qualified sex and relationship coach. We will
pop all her links in the show notes for you.
She is incredible. She has recently one Relationship Coach of
the decade, so be sure to check her out. G
(01:32):
is talking to her about all things love, sex, and
everything in between. G has actually done one of her courses,
so you guys are going to absolutely love this episode.
But before we get into it, just a little reminder
that the Riiz and Conker Project is currently open for enrollment.
(01:52):
It opened on Monday and spots are filling up fast,
so if you are feeling called, now is the perfect
time to get in. It is the last live round
we will be running of this ever, and we will
be pulling it off the website once enrollment closers, so
if you've ever thought about doing it, now is the time.
(02:13):
But I won't take up any more of your time.
We'll just get straight into today's episode.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
Elena, Welcome to the Rise and Conquer Podcast. I'm so
excited to have you on.
Speaker 3 (02:30):
Thank you so much for having me here. Now.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
I know I've already told you, but just so the
RNC community, No, I actually found you because someone had
posted you on their stories and they were doing your
BJ Queen course. And as someone who grew up in
a you know, I was a Jehovah's witness growing up
and sex was very taboo. I've also been with my
(02:54):
partner since I was seventeen, so didn't have a lot
of sexual experience before him, like a little. And I
was like, I do all this like self development, self
improvement with my mindset, you know, with different things with business.
Why wouldn't I do that with my sex life precisely?
And so I did BJ Queen and Tim said, I
(03:15):
now give the best, like he's always like, I've always
loved your blowjobs, but he's like, holy shit, best blowjob
of my life.
Speaker 4 (03:24):
That makes me so happy to hear, honestly, the feedback
from tongue Tactics. So there's two versions, yeah, J Queen
and pussy Pro and the feedback is my most favorite
thing in the entire world.
Speaker 3 (03:34):
So I'm very very happy for you.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
Well then also plot twists. I then bought him pussy
Pro yes and can confirm ten out of ten. But
my life is made he again, I think the biggest
thing that he got from it, he was like, cause
you talk a lot. I love how even in BJ Queen,
you talk a lot about beforehand, so you know, making
(04:00):
your partner feel safe and you know, enjoying the experience
and almost like the mindset going into it. And it's
so funny because I obviously do this work. I'm a
mindset coach, like all the things, and I'm like, oh wow,
there's like an actual energy before you go into the
act of it. And that was like, that was such
an eye opener for me. And Tim also like he
(04:21):
loved the very first videos where you were talking about
like how to make the female feel the pussy feel
safe and all those sorts of things, and it was
so eye opening and I was like, oh my god,
there's like there's a whole world I haven't explored, even
though I've done this for you know, for my whole life,
(04:42):
but it's insane.
Speaker 4 (04:44):
Well, sex is something that we don't really think about
very often. We sort of put it down the lists
of priorities, and yeah, you know, sometimes we realize at
a point in our relationship that oh, I haven't really
been prioritizing this or I haven't really been allowing myself
to fully open up to it. And so it's such
a fun thing to really like allow yourself to explore.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
Well.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
I think also if I'm thinking of like like in
the past where I'm like, oh, I want to spice up.
You know, me and Tim sex life, I've kind of
always gone to sex toys or costumes or like those
things that you think you need on top. But what
I really loved about, like your tutorial videos is like
(05:26):
you're really talking about the basic concepts and it really
it was like life changing. So thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (05:35):
I am so on it. I am so happy for
that feedback. Thank you.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
And because I asked him, I'm like, can I tell everyone?
And He's like, of course, like love this and like
we think other people should know. So very excited to
share you with the RNC fan today. But before we
get into the questions, do you just want to tell
everyone a little bit about yourself and kind of how
you came to be in this career.
Speaker 3 (06:00):
Yeah, definitely. So.
Speaker 4 (06:01):
I'm a sex educator and coach and embodiment practitioner as well.
My story sort of started back when I used to
own a poll dancing studio in Melbourne. I ran that
for four years and that was really the start of
my journey to sensuality and movement and to really exploring
a different style of movement and existing really tapping into
(06:25):
my sensuality. And then I eventually had an idea to
create my own movement practice that was all about sensual
movement and it was from the place of embodiment as
opposed to performance, And so I sold my studio, started
my own movement practice, eventually studied coaching sex coaching and
started just teaching and talking more about sensuality, embodiment, sexuality,
(06:50):
and then you know, creating really practical sex ed so
that people could really put it into practice and not
have it be something that's just sort of really conceptual.
I think sometimes, especially in this industry, in this work,
sexuality can feel like this big conceptual thing, but really,
at the end of the day, like we need to
just sort of get down to the basics and not
(07:13):
kind of heighten it and make it seem bigger than
it is. It's just connection at the.
Speaker 3 (07:19):
End of the day.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
I love that, And that's what I really felt like
in your trainings. I was like, she's really simplified this
and made it feel like very relatable and doable. And
I think also, I think I've realized and obviously we're
going to go full into it in this episode. And guys,
what I'm sharing with you, I hope you know you
(07:43):
like respectful, like obviously I'm going to share a lot
of about my men tim sex life, so just you know,
have be conscious of that. But I remember when I
was doing BJA Queen, I realized I had some almost
concepts about blow jobs, because it's like almost the concept
that it felt like a lot of pressure because it's
(08:08):
not just you two together, it's just you pleasing him,
you know, to the point of what's the word of,
like finishing or you know those sorts of things. And
I had like this weird concept in my head of
sometimes I almost wouldn't want to even like go there
because it felt like pressure totally. And I was like,
(08:31):
then I started thinking about all the concepts about sex,
how much they are up in our head rather than yeah,
just like learning the basics, knowing it's about connection and
simplifying it.
Speaker 4 (08:44):
I think that there's a really common belief with sex
in general, but also specifically with low jobs, that I'm
doing this for the other partner and this is all
about them and it's not about me at all. And
also sometimes we can feel like we're being used and
that can create resistance and me like, I don't actually
want to do this because I feel like I'm not
(09:06):
getting anything from it, or I'm only doing it to
please my partner, but I don't enjoy it. And so
everything that I teach is about kind of coming back
to prioritizing your own pleasure first, Like I want you
to feel like empowered.
Speaker 3 (09:18):
In this because it's actually a.
Speaker 4 (09:20):
Really really fucking fun thing to do, and to be
able to provide pleasure for a partner and take pleasure
from giving pleasure. It's this kind of circular thing, whereas
if it seems more transactional and it's like, oh yeah, okay, fine,
I'll give you a blowjob on your birthday.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
You know, it's total And that's actually like me and
Tim were talking about it after and that was the
biggest thing, is like I really hope my parents don't
listen to it's totally getting embarrassed right now, but like
I enjoy it so much now, Like all I want
to do is give Tim Bojo I feel you, and
(09:58):
it's I'm getting so much an enjoyment out of it.
And then he's the exact same, and we're like, I'm
not even doing anything that different. Because the girls were like,
what's this secret, and I'm like, it's it's honestly not
what you think. It's having your whole mindset change. It's
having like redefining what it is. And it is so
(10:19):
funny because I'm like, oh, no, like I enjoy it
so much now, and he's the exact same, where he's like,
I enjoy it because I know you enjoy it, and
it's like this beautiful connection piece not just transactional. So
thank you so much for putting articulation to that.
Speaker 4 (10:36):
Oh I'm so glad that that's kind of come through
for you and that you have that experience of enhancing
the pleasure, not just the pleasure that you're giving, but
the pleasure that you're receiving by giving. It really is
this circular thing where it's it builds and then you
can actually just enjoy it, because so often we kind
of breathe this sense of resentment because we're like, oh gosh,
(10:57):
like I have to do this, or like I feel
like I'm meant to, but I don't enjoy it, and
then you judge yourself for not enjoying it. But when
you just shift again your mindset around it and think, oh,
this is a beautiful gift that I'm sharing with my partner,
and now I'm getting turned on by doing this, that's
(11:18):
what happens.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
I get so turned on. And my block with it
before was I had this concept that to enjoy it
is almost because I grew up a Jehovah's witness, there
was a lot of like shame around being a slut
or enjoying sex. So I had this weird blox where
I'm like, I can't be that person. I'm his wife?
Speaker 3 (11:40):
Yeah do you mean?
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Which is like so twisted when I say it out loud.
Speaker 3 (11:45):
It's so true. So many people think that.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
I had such a weird thing. But now that I've
rekind of rewired how I think about it, we have
such a different experience with oral that's so beautiful. Obviously, guys,
I highly recommend to go and do BJ queen because again,
change the game for me. But can we give the
audience a little taste watch your kind of three tips
(12:09):
for giving a blowjob?
Speaker 3 (12:10):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 4 (12:11):
Okay, well I have several, of course, as you.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Know, don't give them all. Just give us a taste.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (12:18):
So yeah, I think what we've already been discussing is
the energy around it and allowing yourself to really find
enjoyment in giving a blowjob is going to change the
game absolutely. I always suggest as well, starting with both
sides as well, so this applies to both BJ Queen
and pussy pro. Start with a soft, broad, flat tongue
(12:42):
and like long slow licks, and then you can start
getting like the tip of the tongue involved, so you're
kind of going around the head, so like lick it
like a lollipop from root to tip, circle around and
then back down, and then you can start to build
the actual like sucking sort of motion or like taking
the cock into your mouth.
Speaker 1 (13:03):
What I loved is you even talking about for example,
when you're kissing before like suck his suck his bottom lip,
and it's almost like this foreplay of like this is
what's coming. And even that I was like, oh my god.
Of course, like with anything, you don't go straight in
like you need especially like females, like we need that
(13:26):
foe play. We need that like central sort of connection beforehand.
Of course guys would too, And that was like a
big thing for me that I notice.
Speaker 4 (13:34):
Well, I think that so often we have this assumption
that we need to go straight for the goods and
we want to build up. So like everything that I
teach in All of my work is about building up
you want to create that feeling of like I'm almost
at a point where I'm begging you, like I do
so much. I have been so turned on because so
(13:58):
often what happens is we go straight there and then
it's we don't reach our pleasure potential because we haven't
been properly warmed up and aroused. So yeah, like tease them,
take your time, gently, slowly get there, and then when
you're there you can kind of, you know, go to town.
Speaker 3 (14:16):
Don't forget about the balls as well. Perineum.
Speaker 4 (14:20):
There's so many little sweet spots as well on the cock,
which is just such a good time. I'm not going
to share the magic sequence because that's very involved, but
it's good. We love the magic sequence. Creating a rhythm
is going to be a really really powerful thing rather
than sort of trying to do too much. I think
sometimes people think, you know, my course is called tongue Tactics, right,
(14:42):
and they're like, oh, I'm going to learn all these
different tactics and these techniques and I'm going to try
them all, and sure, try them all, but eventually don't
try and just like go like I'm sucking I'm liking
I'm doing this, I'm doing that, and make it too
kind of all over the place and hectic, take your time,
creative pattern, create a rhythm, and then eventually you can
(15:03):
switch it up and then their minds will just be blown.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
I think even I loved that concept too of yeah,
you can't just try a million different things. Even if
I think about what I like. It's the rhythm, Yes,
it's the kind of you know what's coming and then
that like that not shock, but it's like changing things
up but like too much. It's almost like scat energy.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
Totally don't need that energy.
Speaker 4 (15:32):
Yeah, you're like you're starting to soften it and relax
into it and build It's almost like this like this
building of the pleasure. And then if someone just comes
out of left field and they throw something and you're like,
whoa shit, it takes you off track, and so you
want to start like building that so you can actually
allow yourself to fully feel. Because we often have a
lot of resistance, particularly women and people revolvers, like we
(15:56):
can like kind of cop lock ourselves from pleasure because
we're some in our heads and we go, oh, I
don't deserve this, or what are they going to think
if I come and I make a weird noise, or
you know, if I arch my back or like what
are they going to think? And so we sort of
stop ourselves. And so if we have the time to
build that up and we're really really enjoying it, then
(16:20):
we're going to actually soften and like drop into the
depth of pleasure that we are actually capable of.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
And I think also like the biggest thing that like
personally our sex life is like never rushing the other person, yes,
and like not rushing yourself. And obviously this is hard
when I have a like we have a two year old,
so we are parents, like we have a life and
all the things. But if like that person feels rushed,
(16:50):
like if you think about it yourself, like that's just
not the energy that you're going to feel safe in
that you're going to surrender that you can like drop into.
So it's like not creating that like rush energy has
been like really big.
Speaker 3 (17:04):
Definitely.
Speaker 4 (17:04):
I think that it's essentially what we call in this
sort of sexological space is a break. So we have
accelerators and we have breaks when it comes to our arousal,
our desire, our libido and feeling rushed and feeling like
our partner's like, oh my god, I just get on
with it and come already, that's going to be a
break and it's going to put those breaks on where
(17:25):
you're like I can't even think about pleasure now or
I'm not going to experience it.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (17:29):
And so a huge concept that is really really key
and super super helpful when it comes to your sexuality
is consider what are your breaks and what are your accelerators?
What are the things that turn you on and what
are the things that turn you off? And how can
you minimize the turnoffs and how can you maximize the
turn ons?
Speaker 1 (17:47):
And having that conversation.
Speaker 4 (17:49):
Yes, exactly, these are my turn ons, These are my turnoffs.
Speaker 3 (17:52):
What are yours?
Speaker 4 (17:54):
Okay, how can we consider those when we're approaching our
sexuality and you know, like how do you like to
be initiated into sex? You know, some people are like
a little spark, a little flame, and they're like immediately
I'm horny all of a sudden, And that's what we
call spontaneous desire. They could be right here, right now,
I'm horny and I want to go right But for
(18:14):
someone who has a more responsive desire, type.
Speaker 3 (18:17):
They need that build up, They need.
Speaker 4 (18:19):
Something sexually relevant to already be happening for them to
go ooh, okay, I wasn't thinking about it now, but
I think I'm actually turned on now I'm going to
get into it. So when we understand these things about
one another in relationships, it changes the game because you
no longer have like your lenses on, seeing the world
through only your glasses. You're like, oh, my partner needs
(18:42):
this to feel horny, needs this to feel aroused, needs
this to feel safe. Ye, I'm going to take that
into consideration now.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
Yeah, that's actually that's so true. And that's like that's
even a conversation you know, me and Tim had is like,
you know, here's like sometimes I just feel like really rushed,
and so like I even introduced, you know, saying some
things like like I could do this all day with you,
and like I love being in this moment with you.
Like yeah, like obviously they're probably a bit more sexual.
Speaker 3 (19:09):
But I'm not going to tell you.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
You could imagine, but you know, like that, and so
he feels like not rush, like you know, those sorts
of things, but it's about having you know, that communication
and even like for me. I am someone who I
do have quite a high libido and I'm down and
ready anytime, whereas he, yeah, well he's like I need
(19:34):
that little bit of you know, seduction. Yeah, so I'm like, oh, okay,
let's make this bit of a game, like how can
I seduce my husband today? I love that and me
not because, like I think previously, I used to feel
not rejected. But there's such a you know, there's such
a thing of like men should just speak money all
(19:56):
the time. So if he's not, what's wrong with me?
And I think, say that would you know, trip us
up in the relationship, But like I don't look at
that now. It's like oh okay, Like so who do
I get to be to not seduce him? But you know,
those sorts of things, and again it's a tuning to
our senses and who we are and not putting a
(20:20):
cookie cutter thing on like that's how he should be,
that's how I am. And that has been like really
life changing for us.
Speaker 4 (20:28):
Those sort of societal expectations can have such an impact
on our sex lives. And so what you're talking about
is kind of like a classic case of you have
more of a spontaneous desiotype and he might have more
of a responsive desiotype totally. And the fact that you
understand that about each other is such a game changer, because, Yeah,
(20:51):
we can get stuck in those patterns of like, oh
my god, I can't believe my partner never desires me.
And it's not that they don't, it's just that the
way that they experience design is different to the way
that you've experienced des are And when you can like
create that language and that vocabulary around it, it will
just absolutely change everything.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
I love that. So how would you recommend someone kind
of having that conversation in the relationship in regards to
different desires or you know, how they're feeling, Like, let's
say they haven't had any communications about their sex life.
What's an initial conversation they can have.
Speaker 4 (21:29):
I always like to encourage people to like blame me
and say, oh, I listened to this podcast with this
sex coach and she was talking about this idea of
different desire types and the different ways that we get
feel turned on, and you know, introduce them to this concept.
I think that can be a really really fun way.
I do also have like workbooks and sheets that you
(21:50):
can go through and it explains exactly what it is
and you can figure out what your breaks and accelerators
are and just allowing yourself to almost like set a
date night and go, hey, I really value our sex life.
I'm really really curious to learn more about how I
can turn you on more and I want to, you know,
give you the best experience of your life. How about
(22:13):
we set a time and we do this spicy date
night and we go through these exercises. It's fun intimacy
exercises and learn more about one another's pleasure language.
Speaker 3 (22:24):
You know, like.
Speaker 4 (22:25):
Set it up as a really like sexy date because
I think if we start a conversation with like, the
way that you approach me for sex doesn't work for me,
and I hate it and you're the.
Speaker 3 (22:37):
Worst like that, you're a shit.
Speaker 4 (22:41):
But people are sometimes going to feel like, oh, if
my partner wants to talk about sex, that must mean
that our sex life isn't good enough. It's more like,
how can we expand? How can we expand in our
relationship and deepen our sexual pleasure and the experiences that
we're having, And so approaching it from this fun and playful,
(23:02):
connected sort of nature is going to be really really
helpful so.
Speaker 3 (23:05):
That those those sort of scary.
Speaker 4 (23:09):
Conversations don't come up where people feel like, oh, maybe
something's wrong with.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
Me, you know.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
I think also a great conversation me and my husband
had was because we have been together, you know, since
I was seventeen for such a long time, nearly twelve years.
I remember even having this conversation with him being like like,
first of all, first of all, how I approached it
is like, we have an amazing sex life, Like I
love you so much, we have an amazing sex life.
(23:37):
But just like I constantly work on my mindset around
you know, work or my business or you know, just
my happiness, and I improve on it. I don't want
to just always have a good mindset. I want to
have a magical mindset. And so I'm like with our
sex liife, I'm like, our sex life is incredible, but
(23:58):
could it be extraordinary? And you know, like putting it
that way, so it's like no, no, Like trust me,
I love having sex with you, but let you know,
can we explore that? And I think also explaining to
him when we first were together when I was seventeen,
like what used to turn me on? And what I
used to like has changed. I'm a different person, like
you know, I've had a baby, like I've you know,
(24:19):
I've grown up. And even now for me, I notice,
like I said before, I'm like down ready to go
quite quickly. That is only when I feel connected to
him emotionally, Like if I feel connected to him emotionally,
like I'm like I'm ready to go all the time,
and so like I had to but again explaining that,
(24:43):
and then so he's conscious of like you know, in
Rise and Conquer, we have connection cards where you ask
your partner questions and so like date night, he's always
like I got the conversation cards because he you know,
like he gets that side of me and again me
understanding how he is now and knowing that we're allowed
(25:03):
to change and evolve. And I think when you say
that to your partner in that way, they're like, oh, yeah,
that makes sense.
Speaker 3 (25:10):
Yeah exactly.
Speaker 4 (25:11):
It's like I want to explore a new side of
myself and I want to explore a new side of
you and a new side of our relationship. I want
to expand into this because there's so much pleasure potential
out there and it's just a continuous expense.
Speaker 3 (25:24):
The expansion.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
I love that. So a question we have, what are
your top tips for flirting? For flirting, we're going to
be a little flooty girls.
Speaker 3 (25:33):
Well flirty girls.
Speaker 4 (25:35):
Okay, My top tip one thousand percent is eye contact
because there is so much presence that is portrayed when
you are making deep eye contact with someone. And i'llthow
you recently, I okay, there was this tell us just
absolutely delicious looking barista at my local cafe I don't
(25:56):
even drink coffee that I just walked past and I
was like, oh my god, that person is glorious. And
so I proceeded to go in and get myself an
and Marcher and I got three when Marchers until this
person asked me out, and I swear to god, it
(26:18):
was all in the eyes. We just had the most
intense eye contact with one another, and it's it's a
it do it to me right now? You want me
to okay?
Speaker 3 (26:28):
Yeah, so.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
Yeah, okay, I'll give you my number later. I really
got a baby.
Speaker 3 (26:38):
Let on it.
Speaker 4 (26:40):
So it's that like that eye contact and holding it
because I've had so many conversations with friends with clients
that are like I just can't do it eleanor it
feels so scary, or it's like I last a second
and then I look away, and you have to challenge
yourself to just hold it for that little bit longer
that is past your comfort zone. And I promise they'll
(27:01):
just like they'll be magnetized to you. And so I
I was, you know, I was like a bit flirty,
you know, just having like a little chat, just not
much three matches and they were like, what are you
doing after this?
Speaker 3 (27:17):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (27:18):
Yeah, He's like, do you want to go for a
swim in the rain?
Speaker 3 (27:21):
Like, what are you doing right now?
Speaker 5 (27:23):
Let's go?
Speaker 1 (27:24):
I would love to. Yeah, oh my god, stop. Yeah
that's such a good Okay, we love that. I'm going
to really practice that on him now. Oh yeah, we'd
be like what are you looking at? He wouldn't, I know,
but I'm even thinking now. And it's even the concept
emotionally of like when someone actually sees you, when someone
(27:49):
actually looks at you and sees you like, you're like, wow.
Speaker 4 (27:55):
That's the thing, Like, there is so many there are
so many opportunities for us to make eye contact when
it's with our lovers. Okay, I've done workshops where I've
explored like the art of eye gazing and just sort
of invited people to try eye contact and see how
it feels. You know, put on a song eye contact
for a few minutes, and I've done this with couples,
(28:17):
and some of them who have been together for let's
say twelve years, they're like, I've never looked at my
partner for that long.
Speaker 3 (28:24):
What are you doing?
Speaker 4 (28:26):
This is such a beautiful practice. So if you are
in a relationship, I highly recommend putting a timer on
or putting a few songs on and just sitting and
looking at one another in the eyes really intentionally. It's
not a stare in competition, you're allowed to blink, but
just seeing them. And the amount of times that I've
done this with even strangers who suddenly feel really emotional
(28:49):
and they're like, oh my god, I've never felt seen
like that, and how beautiful it was to witness and
see this other person. It's so gorgeous. And so, you know,
you can do eye gazing as a whole practice, three minutes,
five minutes, whatever you want, or you can just hold
eye contact a little bit longer with strangers, with friends,
(29:11):
with your partner and just really see them. Because I
think that eye contact. It portrays presence. It's like I'm here,
I'm with you, I'm not thinking about anything else, I'm
not distracted. I'm really really conscious. Something though, that I
do want to add is I'm really aware that eye
contact can be really difficult for a lot of people,
especially people who are neurodivergent. So like, if this is like,
(29:34):
absolutely not, I can't do that. It's a deep discomfort
for me. Totally fine, there's other ways to connect. But
if it is something that you're like, oh, I'm open
to it feels a little uncomfortable, then I encourage you.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
So how's the barista going?
Speaker 4 (29:51):
Look, that was short lived, but we got there, moved
to Melbourne. But so yeah, that was a shame, but
it was like good time.
Speaker 1 (30:00):
We still got the first day.
Speaker 3 (30:02):
Yeah, several days.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
Okay, we've definitely got a story out of it.
Speaker 3 (30:07):
Oh, we've got several.
Speaker 1 (30:10):
So let's switch gears and chat a little bit about
self love and sex because we had the question about
you know, if you're not loving yourself, you're not feeling sexy,
then it's hard to enjoy sex. What would you suggest
for someone who's feeling like that.
Speaker 4 (30:29):
Firstly, I see you, I think that there is such
a correlation between low self worth, low self love, and
lack of pleasure as well, because it's about do you
feel that you really deserve pleasure and are you allowing
yourself to feel this pleasure? And so practices around self love,
(30:52):
especially when we think more on the sexual end of
the spectrum, I like to think of it more like
sensual self love is allowing yourself to really indulge in
the senses. And so some practices that I always suggest
are with self touch. And so often people think, you know,
as a sex educator, I'm talking about self touch, I
(31:13):
must be talking about masturbation. An absolutely big fan, we
can talk about that too, But I think that we
need to start by just creating safety, so allowing yourself
to touch your own body. There's so much conditioning in
this world that's like you're not allowed to enjoy your
own body, and especially as women, we are conditioned to
(31:35):
go our body exists for the pleasure of men.
Speaker 3 (31:39):
And so it's.
Speaker 4 (31:40):
About reclaiming our pleasure, reclaiming our sexuality and saying, you
know what, that's actually mine and I get to enjoy
it first, and if I choose to, I can share
it with whoever I want. But it's not for another person.
I'm not sexy for another person. I'm not sensual for
someone else. My pleasure isn't for you. It's for me
to share as I want, and so cultivating that through
(32:02):
practices like self touch, like self massage. I'm a dancer,
so sensual movement and allowing yourself to have this kind
of like intuitive movement like close your eyes, like close
the curtains, turn the music up, lights down low, put
some candles on, and just like roll around on the floor,
(32:22):
dance around to music that makes you feel something that
makes you want to breathe and feel sexy. That's going
to be such a powerful practice. And then you know,
you can choose to take that a step further and
enjoy some self touch and like really turn yourself on,
find yourself sexy. You know, I love doing this in
(32:43):
front of the mirror. There's kind of stages, depends where
your comfort level is when you're beginning, but eventually, you know,
naked body oil like touching yourself, seducing yourself in front
of the mirror, having a little boogie in your room.
It is so delicious and I think something that we
(33:03):
often need to remind ourselves of when we're thinking of
these kind of practice, these embodiment practices, is no one
else is watching. This is not for anyone else. It's
not a performance. Everything I do with my work is
about embodiment over performance. I want you to really really
feel your body and savor your senses and feel into
(33:24):
that pleasure and not think, oh, I need to do
this perfectly because I need to put on a show.
It needs to be a performance. And sometimes even if
we're in the privacy of our own homes and no
one else is around, it's almost like we self censor
and we're like, oh, what would this person think.
Speaker 3 (33:41):
If they saw me? Or wonder if there's a camera hidden.
Speaker 4 (33:44):
In here it's your own room, there's not, And so like,
really give yourself a permission to go. I'm going to
do whatever it feels really good, and who cares what
it looks like. It's not about what it looks like,
it's about how it feels.
Speaker 1 (33:56):
I love that. That's actually I had a bit of
a journey of self pleasure because yeah, I mean Tim
met when I was seventeen, and I remember I was
maybe like twenty one, and I was like, I've never
given myself an orgasm. I've only ever gotten it from
Tim or someone else. And I then went on the
(34:20):
journey of self pleasure and something that came up and
I just thought about it when you were talking then
is a conversation. I remember talking to a girlfriend about
it and she was saying how her partner almost didn't
want her to self pleasure because he wanted to do it.
And we then had this conversation around what you said
(34:42):
of why should it just be his? You know, like,
why shouldn't you be able to give it to yourself?
And something that I've always really appreciated with Tim is
he's always been very encouraging in that department. And I
think it's even important for vice versa, like you've been
encouraging with your partner to self pleasure because it is
(35:02):
it's like it's getting that connection back with yourself, and
it's so much more than sex. There's so much connection there.
And yeah, I remember being about twenty one and kind
of like figuring out self pleasure, which you know might
be young or old in other people's experiences, but again,
that was such an important part of not only me
(35:24):
feeling independent, because there is something about never getting it,
you know, sorry, never giving it to yourself and only
getting it from someone else where you feel like, oh
well I need someone else.
Speaker 3 (35:35):
Yes, yeah, so that.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
Was a huge part of it. But then also yeah,
in those moments being connected to yourself and being like,
this is my body and my home. I have everything
I need in it, and I feel safe and comfortable
in it too.
Speaker 4 (35:50):
I'm so so happy to hear that you've had that experience,
because I know it's very common for people to have
your friend's experience of a partner saying no, why are
you self pleasuring? Like that's for me? Or I'm the
only one that could give you pleasure?
Speaker 3 (36:07):
Or what do you mean? Like why would you self pleasure?
Speaker 4 (36:10):
Am I not enough? Why wouldn't you have sex with me?
Like why would you have sex with yourself when you
could have sex with me? And again, this just drives
home my point of your pleasure doesn't belong to anyone else.
You're allowed to share it as you wish, but it's
not owned by anyone else. And also similarly, your partner's
(36:30):
pleasure is not yours. And if they are self pleasuring
and they're masturbating, good for them. It's their body right,
It doesn't have to mean something like we need to
really check the stories that we're creating. Are we saying
this is a story that is the story that I'm
telling myself? Is your self pleasuring means I'm not enough?
(36:52):
And oh the fact that you're masturbating means that I'm
not sexy enough. And so like, really check yourself if
you have that thinking, and then also flip it on
yourself and go, oh, do I allow.
Speaker 3 (37:02):
Myself to experience pleasure? What I see so many.
Speaker 4 (37:05):
People do is outsourcing their pleasure, saying oh, this is
your job. And so either it's like I'm giving it
away and I'm saying my pleasure is for everybody else
except for me or my partner and not me. And
other times we outsource our pleasure and we say, oh, well,
you're responsible for my orgasm. You're the one that's meant
(37:26):
to provide me with an orgasm, and if you don't,
then that's your failing. And I think there's a really
big opportunity here for reflection and to hold a mirror
up and go, actually, do you understand your own pleasure?
Do you understand what turns you on? Do you understand
what makes you come. Can you make yourself come and
not expecting my partner has to be the one to
provide it. This is like a team kind of process.
Speaker 1 (37:51):
I love that, And that's like, it's so true because
I'm even thinking now from like a self development lens
of like any time that you're having a problem live
like someone else and you think it's their fault or
they're doing something to you, it's really just a mirror
of what's happening internally with yourself, and you need to
(38:11):
check yourself.
Speaker 3 (38:12):
You need to.
Speaker 1 (38:13):
And I think also it's so beautiful what you brought
up about the stories of like what stories are you
telling yourself in your sex life about like what they
do or you do? What this means? And instead of
creating those stories and keeping those stories going, can you communicate?
(38:35):
Can you maybe like you said of like, oh, I
feel like them self pleasuring means they're not attractive to me.
Do I even want to self pleasure myself? And like
those sorts of questions, I think, yeah, like everything is
just a mirror really totally.
Speaker 4 (38:51):
And you know, there's so much societal conditioning that we
receive around pleasure and sex and relationships that can really
hold us back. It kind of like acts like this
like giant sort of jacket around your pleasure potential. You're like, oh,
I just actually need to peel back some layers. I
often think of, you know that scene in Friends from
(39:13):
years ago where Joey is wearing like every.
Speaker 3 (39:15):
Single item of Channel's clothing.
Speaker 4 (39:17):
Yeah, and he's like wearing like, you know, let's say,
like fourteen layers. Yeah, and he's like doing lunges and stuff. Anyway,
He's wearing all these layers, and so I kind of
have that visualization, and I'm like, each of those layers
represents some kind of messaging or conditioning, and at the bottom,
like underneath all of those layers is like this beautiful
gem of like the most orgasmic life possible. But you
(39:40):
got to like, oh, let's take that one off first,
and like, oh, these are all the things the message
that I got, and I'm going to slowly peel them
away and kind of discard them, and then you can
kind of get to like the juice.
Speaker 1 (39:53):
Yeah, So let's even maybe go into an example of that.
So let's just use like my conditioning of you know,
growing up religious and having a lot of like sexual
shame around like don't be sletty, don't enjoy it too much.
Speaker 2 (40:10):
You know.
Speaker 1 (40:10):
I also had the belief of, like, you shouldn't have
sex before you get married, and like all those sorts
of things. Let's say someone does have sexual shame. How
can they work through that?
Speaker 4 (40:22):
Oh, this is such a good question. I think that
sexual shame, firstly, it's important to recognize, Okay, we've all
got some degree of it. Like you can't exist in
this society and not have some kind of messaging about
sexual shame. So firstly recognize it's fine, I have it. Okay,
now I'm going to work through it. I think that
(40:42):
journaling is such a powerful practice. I'm sure that this
is something that you're a huge proponent of as well
we are. And so, you know, asking yourself intentional questions
when something comes up, and if you're you know, in
the moment, or you reflect back on some sex that
you've had and you're like, oh, I didn't want to
be too loud, maybe the next time your journaling, say
(41:02):
what story am I telling myself about being loud in sex? Oh?
Speaker 3 (41:06):
Okay?
Speaker 4 (41:06):
Maybe the conditioning that I received was back in your
you know seven, that teacher said, it's really slutty to
enjoy sex, or like sex is and for women or whatever,
and you can start to reflect on the things that
were said to you by different people in your life,
or the things that you've absorbed from media, from TVs,
(41:30):
you know, really poor representations of sex scenes in TV shows,
and ask yourself like, how is this impacting me? How
would I like to experience pleasure? And why do I
feel like I don't deserve that?
Speaker 3 (41:45):
Okay?
Speaker 4 (41:45):
And then you just you start diving, diving deeper and deeper,
and then sharing this with your partner as well. Okay,
I think I have a block around this. How can
we explore this together? So, for example, if you're talking
about not feeling like you can be loud during sex,
maybe even saying to your partner like, something in me
feels like I should be quiet and it's too much
(42:07):
if I moan really loudly, do you mind like encouraging
me and making me feel safe to do that? That's
something that would feel really really good for me. You know,
you can start working through it in that way.
Speaker 1 (42:20):
I love that. That's incredible. I know it's so interesting.
How much Yeah, all this these stories and the conditioning
is playing into our sex lives and almost like keeping
us small and keeping us from really enjoying ourselves.
Speaker 4 (42:36):
Yeah, definitely, so much pleasure available. We just need to
allow ourselves to feel it.
Speaker 1 (42:42):
I love that. So we've got a couple of questions
from the community I want to get into, and the
first one is how do you keep connection strong through
times of stress and trauma and not lose the bond?
And then you know, she goes on to say, we
have a baby, Nick, you so wondering advice for keeping
the connection strong when you're under so much stress and
(43:04):
spending a lot of time apart.
Speaker 3 (43:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (43:08):
I think that in these cases, when there's just a
lot going on, be really gentle with yourself and understanding
that we're always going to have seasons and you might
just be in like your sexual winter exactly, okay, And
so we don't expect a flower to bloom year round,
(43:29):
and we don't expect the fire to be burning constantly,
especially if it's getting rained on, And so allow yourself
to go, Okay, maybe we're just in a bit of
a sexual winter, and eventually, like all seasons do, our
sexual summer and spring are going to come back around.
So firstly, just allowing yourself to not have so much
(43:50):
pressure and then taking sex off the table and thinking
about intimacy and connection. So there's studies out there that
sort of show the power of hugs, thirty second hug,
six second kiss, like longer connection. So you might see
(44:12):
your partner every day or maybe in this case you're not,
But when you do allow yourself to like really embrace,
like actually have that connection, hold one another for longer,
kiss intentionally, don't just do like a quick peck on
the lips and then walk away. You need some extra
time to build that connection, and that's going to sort
(44:32):
of enhance your intimacy as well if you're a part
you know, obviously clear communication, thinking about the ways that
you can stay connected through texts or phone calls if
you are wanting to get a little bit spicier with it.
I am the biggest fan of nudes. I think it's
such a wonderful way to kind of connect if you're feeling,
(44:54):
you know, super sexual in the moment as well. It
really depends where you're at.
Speaker 1 (44:58):
Yeah, that's beautiful. I love that because that's even like
I loved what you said about taking sex off the table. Yeah,
like it doesn't actually just have to be because even
during those times, if you're having sex just for the
sake of having sex, it's like it's not that intimate,
but it's like really cultivating that intimacy first.
Speaker 4 (45:18):
Yeah, exactly, they come back to intimacy. You know, let's
go okay for the next month or so, let's just
sort of be teenagers again, and that pre sex life.
I think as soon as we have had our sexual
debut and we've already had sex with our lover, sometimes
any intimacy can feel like it must be a lead
(45:42):
up to sex. And this is also what creates a
lot of shutdown because people are like, oh, they're kissing me,
they're making out with me, they're like feeling my butt,
they're squeezing my butt and like flirting with me. Oh god,
that must mean they want sex. And sometimes I'm just
not keen for it. And so what happens is we go,
I'm going to shut all of that down because I
(46:04):
don't want to have sex in this moment. But what
you're doing is you're really shutting down intimacy. And so
having this clear conversation of like, okay, we can have
intimacy without it always leading to sex, and if this
is something that you're feeling, really share this with your partner, Like,
sometimes I'm not feeling like I want to have sex
(46:24):
with you, but I really want to connect with you,
and so I want to feel like we can have
a big makeout sesh, but there's no pressure, there's no
expectation for it to lead to sex.
Speaker 1 (46:37):
I love that communication. Some pot on, Yeah, how many
times a week should we be having sex?
Speaker 3 (46:46):
Okay?
Speaker 4 (46:47):
I actually saw recently there's wonderful sex educator in the States.
Her name is Shan Boodram, and she answered this question
with as many times as the person with a lower
sex drive is comfortable with love that And so, you know,
there's many layers to this, because we need to maybe
(47:07):
look at why someone isn't feeling like sex or why
they don't feel like they want to connect in that way,
and learning their initiation style and their desire type and
working with one another. I don't think anyone should ever
feel this pressure and expectation to have sex when you
just don't feel like it, because why the fuck would
(47:29):
you do that?
Speaker 1 (47:30):
Totally?
Speaker 3 (47:30):
You know you each.
Speaker 4 (47:32):
Partner also has needs and so there's that layer of
understanding as well. They're like, Okay, someone is craving it.
How can we create a way where we build the
intimacy where someone will feel comfortable sharing sex with one
another as opposed to this is the expectation. And I
heard someone say once that it has to be four
(47:53):
times a week or your sex life isn't good enough,
Like it's about quality over quantity. I could say, yeah, sure,
three times a week is ideal, that's the sweet spot.
But if it's three times a week of super disconnected
like little quickie where you're not even making eye contact
(48:14):
and one of you comes and the other doesn't, like, no,
give me like one delicious like three hour gourmet sex
marathon a month over a bunch of quickies that are
not satisfying. This is actually something that I speak a
lot about in my work, is the difference between snack
sex and gourmet sex. And so in like a regular diet, right,
(48:37):
you're going to have a whole bunch of different options
for food, and sometimes we just want a quick snack,
you know. Sometimes we're just like I'm craving chips and
I'm going to go through the drive in and I'm
going to get some chips, and you're like mmmm, delicious,
and there's nothing wrong with the chips. I fucking love
some chips, right, But afterwards, you're not necessarily satiated. You
(49:01):
don't feel very nourished. You're like, oh, I'm still hungry.
Like that was nice in the moment, enjoyed it, but
I'm still hungry. And then on the other end of
the spectrum, you've got like a full gourmet meal, a degastation.
You've got like linen tablecloths you went to raise on
the weekend, right, Like, that's like beautiful, it's creating very gourmet.
Iram is so gourmet, and you're like every single plate
(49:24):
that they bring out, like you're not just like stuffing
that in your face, just like yeah, yeah, I'm just
gonna quickly eat this. It's it's a whole presentation. You're
gonna take your time, you're gonna savor it. And so
that type of sex is the the gourmet sex that
you savor and you take your time and you're really
indulging and maybe it goes for hours. And then you've
(49:46):
got the quickie sex, the snack sex that is like
a quickie and you know, it scratches a little itch
and it's great and sometimes you're like, fuck ya, a
little quickie that was hot, and there's nothing wrong with
that either. But we can't necessarily subsist on a diet
of chips of snack sex.
Speaker 3 (50:05):
And also it's.
Speaker 5 (50:06):
Not sustainable, sustainable to have gourmet sex every single day, no, right,
And so how can you create something in between and
then like allow your diet to be like full, your sexual.
Speaker 4 (50:20):
Diet to be full of all the different things on
the spectrum. Sometimes you're indulging in that gourmet, sometimes you're
having a little quickie, and most of the time you're
just having like what you need to get by and
that feels good as well and taste delicious.
Speaker 3 (50:36):
But it's a spectrum.
Speaker 1 (50:38):
I love that. That is the perfect answer.
Speaker 3 (50:40):
Thank you. Didn't know where you were going to.
Speaker 1 (50:43):
Go with that, but I love it. Let's finish this
episode of We've definitely got a part two coming because
we have so much more to talk about and unpack.
But to finish off this part one, I would love
to know what does self love mean for you personally?
And I don't know if you've had a journey with
it or anything like that. And then also like how
(51:04):
do you practice and cultivate self love, especially you know,
in a lens of your sexuality.
Speaker 4 (51:12):
Yeah, self love, I think is such a broad topic
and my take on it is very much from a
sensuality sort of angle. And so the ways that I
would show myself self love every day is through really
connecting with my body, whether that is going to the
(51:32):
gym and you know, doing a bunch of hit thrusts
and you know how to choose the most sexual I
can imagine, you know, going to the gym or going
for walks or legitimately just like massaging my body self pleasure,
eating really well, really looking after my body, because my
(51:55):
body is the vessel that allows me to feel pleasure.
Tuning into the senses and my sensual world really helps
me to connect with that sense of self love.
Speaker 1 (52:09):
I love that so much and I even I know
you touched on it at the start of the episode
about like connecting in with your senses, Like, I think
that's something I probably miss with self love. I go
straight to the mind stuff because that's me as a person.
But it's like connecting in with your five senses and
like picking one and being like, how do I want
to cultivate self love in that way?
Speaker 4 (52:30):
Yeah, I think it's all about getting out of your
head and into your body sometimes, because we can live
very much up in our heads and logic and rationality,
and it's all just like you can just feel a
little bit exhausting sometimes. And some of my clients in
the past have told me that they feel like they're
living life from their head only and that they're numb
(52:54):
from the neck down. And it's like, Okay, I'm here
in this world, this beautiful world that has so many
sensual things available for me to savor, and yet I'm
just sitting up here, and so how can I drop
out of my head and into my body and recognize,
Oh wow, like this feels good, all that smells good,
Look how beautiful? Like look for beauty in the world,
(53:16):
and like, you know, savor the texture of things, and
really try and find things in your sensual world that
bring pleasure, whether that's a simple pleasure, whether that's a
sensual pleasure or a sexual pleasure. Pleasure is such a
broad spectrum, but allowing yourself to tune in that's going
(53:37):
to be such a beautiful way to feel that sense
of self love.
Speaker 1 (53:41):
That's beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing such a
wealth of knowledge. And really helping us unpack a sometimes
taboo topic. Guys, make sure you go and follow eleanor
and makes you check out PJ Queen.
Speaker 3 (53:59):
Yeah, Twizzy Broke or Fussy prot.
Speaker 1 (54:04):
And that will definitely be a part two, so watch
out for that in the next couple of weeks. Thank
you so much.
Speaker 3 (54:10):
What's your pleasure?
Speaker 1 (54:14):
Thank you so much for listening to another episode of
the Rise and Conquer podcast. If you enjoyed it and
want more, come connect with us on Instagram at Riseinconquer
dot podcast and join our Facebook discussion group, a Rise
and Concer podcast community. We're an independent podcast and we
have a small team, so we do appreciate your time
(54:37):
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