Trigger Warning: This episode includes discussions of sexual abuse and trauma.
In this raw and powerful episode, women’s trauma expert Jessica Ella joins Georgie to dive into inner child work, trauma (big and small “T”), and the sneaky ways childhood moments — even the “small” ones — shape who you are, how you show up, and what you believe you deserve.
Georgie gets vulnerable and shares a personal story from her own childhood that secretly ran the show for decades (spoiler: it had nothing to do with big trauma).
Together, they unpack:
💫 What trauma really is (hint: it’s not just the big stuff)
🌀 Why your triggers are clues — not problems
👶 How seemingly insignificant childhood moments can lead to lifelong protection patterns
🧠 What to do when you feel overwhelmed or constantly triggered
💌 Practical steps to start healing your inner child and regulating your nervous system
🌿 What it truly feels like to live from a healed, whole, and embodied place
If you've ever thought "I had a great childhood — I don't need to do this work," this is the episode that might shift everything.
Because you can’t manifest your dream life when your inner child still believes they aren’t safe 💭
Connect with Jessica Ella:
website: https://www.jessicaella.com.au/
IG: https://www.instagram.com/iamjessicaella/?hl=en
Find out more about the Rise app here.
Find the manifestation Lab HERE
You can join TAA here.
Join the Rise & Conquer Facebook group here.
Follow the Rise & Conquer Instagram here.
Discover Rise & Conquer courses here.
Shop Rise & Conquer products here.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I would like to acknowledge the traditional owners of the
land on which this episode is being recorded, the Combomb
Merry people. They've been having conversations and telling stories on
this land for thousands of years, and we show our
gratitude and respect for their contribution to our environment and culture.
(00:21):
This is Rise and Conquer, the podcast where we strive
to become the highest version of ourselves through curious conversations,
healthy mindsets, laughter, connection, and a deep desire to evolve.
I'm your host, Georgie Stevenson. Join me as we explore parenthood, business, manifestation,
(00:46):
and so much more. It's positive, it's practical, and it's
about putting you in the driver's seat of your own life.
Are you ready? Welcome back to Season seven of the
Rise and Conker Podcast. Today's guest is the incredible Jessica Ella,
(01:07):
a woman's healing expert, speaker, podcast hosts, and founder of
the transformational Aurorca healing modality. Jessica's story is one of
radical reclaim after surviving a childhood filled with deep trauma,
including child abuse and sexual assault. I just do want
to give a trigger warning for you guys that we
(01:29):
do go into depths about her child abuse and sexual assault.
So if that is going to be triggering, I would
maybe skip this episode. She's really turned her pain into
profound purpose. Everything she is, Everything she has built from
the ground up, not from textbooks or theory, but through
(01:51):
lived experience, soul level healing, and walking herself through the
fire again and again. So over the last five years,
she's worked one on one with thousands of women to
help them transmute their pain into power, guide them to
heal at the root and reclaim the truth of who
(02:13):
they are. I actually found Jessica because she did some
one on one sessions with my best friend Lysinda Brandham,
which I'm sure you guys might know from my personal
Instagram and Lescinda raved about Jessica and has also done
her modality, and so I started following her and I
(02:34):
got obsessed with her and her content. So basically, in
this episode, we dive into how unresolved trauma can quite
literally shape your whole life. And if you keep being
stuck in the unresolved trauma, it creates these patterns. It's
disconnecting you from your truth, and it's blocking you from
(02:56):
the fulfillment that you truly desire. So Jessica shares how
to recognize the Simes trauma that could be still running
the show for you and gives you tools to begin
to start releasing it so you guys can create lives
that feel safe, expansive, and deeply aligned. This conversation is raw,
(03:17):
empowering and activating. Like I said, huge trigger warning for
sexual assault and child abuse. But if you are wanting
to listen to it, it is so moving, it's so deep,
it's incredible. So let's dive into this episode. Jess Welcome
to the Rise and Conquered Podcast. Thanks for having me.
(03:39):
I'm so excited you're here. I really came across you
because my best friend had done your accreditation and also
have another friend who has done some sessions with you
and they were getting incredible results, and so it's just
like very curious about you. I started like it into
(04:00):
your work and you are such an interesting person and
I love the work that you help other women work through. Yeah,
I was very excited to get you on the podcast
to kind of go to a deeper level. Before we
get into it, though, do you want to give a
quick intro to those who might not know who you are? Yes? So,
my name's Jessica Alla. I am a women's trauma healing expert.
(04:24):
So I have studied so many different modalities. I have
studied healing for the last fifteen years, inside out, upside down.
It was literally an obsession, like an obsession like orderline problem,
like couldn't think about anything else, couldn't talk about anything else.
I was every book, every documentary, just absolutely obsessed. I
(04:48):
started the certific So I have this of the Erica's
entification where I actually now teach people how to work
with trauma correctly because my number one passion was actually
creating something that works, because there's so much there that
doesn't go to that deep level. So yeah, I am
a SUREM a healer, I sometimes am a speaker, I
(05:08):
have my own podcast, I am a mom, I'm all
the things. And so just briefly, can you kind of
touch on like your accreditation, what sort of work does
that involve? Yeah, So it's called a ruka so aruka
healing or aruka therapy, and it's basically the only certification
(05:30):
that blends a combination of working with a subconscious mind,
working with the nervous system, and the body working with
memory processing. So similar to EMDR and also working with energetics,
so it blends those four things together, which I've discovered
over the last fifteen years that that is what you
need in order to heal. You need to be healing
at all those levels. And what I kind of discovered
(05:52):
was that people were going to do the subconscious work
and they were like, I feel good, but I still
I'm stressed. There's something missing. And then someone's like, you
should go to breath work and they were having these
big emotional releases and they're like, yeah, that's good, but
there's still something. And then they'd go to EMDR and
they were like, oh, this is it. Em DR is
the thing, and they were kind of placing it on
(06:13):
the last thing that they tried, not realizing that they'd
kind of closed the surface. Yeah, and so many women
hear this and they go, oh, I've been doing that.
I did all those things and now I'm good. But
I didn't realize. I thought it was just the AMDR
because it was the last thing. So I kind of
discovered that in order to heal, we have to heal
on all of those four levels. And once I discovered that,
(06:34):
it was kind of like everybody needs to know this,
so I actually had been healing was never actually something
that I was going to do as a career. It
was just like my obsession. As I mentioned, I sold
my last company, which was a wedding and events business,
and I was going to take six months off, and
I had a few friends and friends of friends that
(06:56):
knew that what I could do, so that I'd done
all of these different healing modalities and that I had
these superpowers, if you will, and they were like, oh,
could you just do a session for my friend. I'm like, yep, cool,
fifty bucks. And it just literally blew up from there
to the point of then having two years down the track,
huge waitlists and not being able to see everybody, so
(07:16):
then having to create the modality so that I could
then teach people Okay, this is how you work with people?
Well yeah, and it just kind of evolved from there.
That's incredible, and I think I'm so glad you kind
of spoke about those four levels, because you will have
people who you know, maybe do one and they're so
passionate about it. And then I've had to go on
(07:40):
that journey of it's not just the one thing, it's
all four of them together and it's a process. Like
it's like I don't want to use the word like
hard work, but it's work. And it's so funny because
whenever I'm talking to my students, I'm always like, you
got to do the work, and they like stop saying
work because they associate it with something like hard work. Yeah,
(08:01):
but it is true. And I think for you to
want to shift your identity and be someone different, there
is going to be uncomfortability And is that even a word?
I'm not sure. You're going to have to get uncomfortable.
And so I'm so glad you kind of touch on
that because it's very realistic, rather than do one subconscious
(08:25):
session and you're healed, Like, that's not the reality. No,
And I think it was for me as well, frustration
in that, like people were like, oh, healing doesn't work,
and I'm like, oh, what did you try? And then
tried one of those things. And for me it was like,
how can I speed this process up for people? Because
I obviously spent ten plus years doing it myself and
on myself and working through those layers. It was like,
(08:46):
what can I do to help women to speed up
that process so that they don't have to spend ten
years going to figure this out to all the four
different people, multiple different practitioners. I want them to be
able to come to one person that's like, I got
you so so important. Yeah, So basically I want to
get into it straight away. And I know when people
(09:08):
like they meet you, they work with you, you are so vibrant,
You're so glowy, and you seem like this beautiful, warm human.
But I do know that your story started in a
very different place, and I would love for you to
chat to us a little bit about Little Jess and
her experiences and how they have shaped you. Yeah. So
(09:32):
I guess for your listeners, definitely a trigger warning. Yeah.
I don't know if you put those in the start
of the episode or whatever, but just yeah, definitely big
trigger warning for sexual abuse. My story is definitely not light.
I try to like really summarize it because I've had thousands,
like hundreds to at least a thousand different traumas throughout
(09:54):
my life and not like there are hundreds of big
ta traumas, so it's really hard to kind of encapsulate
the entire experience. But if I really pull it back,
what shaped me and what was the most defining was
I was sexually abused by my father from three until
(10:14):
around twelve years old, then it stopped, and then when
I was around nineteen or twenty. It's hard to figure
out exact age, he also raped me. So I developed
throughout childhood what was diagnosed later as Stockholm syndrome. Because
he was my mother had left him when I was seven,
and because he was my caregiver. He was my father,
(10:36):
like we are biologically wired to love our parents, to
seek them for safety and for survival, and because he
was my most terrifying, like he was the most terrifying person,
but he was also my safe person. It was very,
very confusing as a child. So I developed Stockholm syndrome,
which for anyone that doesn't know, it's the diagnosis that
they give to somebody when they normally fall in love
(10:58):
with their kidnappers. And it's basically a way to survive.
So if you convince yourself that you love and adore
the person that is terrifying, they become less terrifying because
you're in control of that. So it's really hard when
people to wrap their head around. But I basically developed
two personalities, two sides, did multiple personality whatever you want
(11:21):
to call it, which have since been resolved. But I
had these two sides where one would love him and
adore him, and one would hate him and be remember everything,
and I basically would split those memories into those two parts,
and it helped me to survive. It helped me to
get through. So for context, as while my dad was
a criminal, he's a terrifying man, So there was also
(11:44):
a lot of terror. There was a lot of death threats.
He came into my room one night when I was
about five years old, drunk, holding a pillow over my
face and then letting me breathe holding it over my face,
letting me breathe and saying to me, if you tell
anybody what we do, I'm going to bury you in
the back. And he'd tell me where he was going
to bury me, and I'll kill you. All the time,
these death threats, and so I knew that what he
(12:07):
was doing was wrong because he was threatening to kill
me if I told anybody. But I also knew that
it was the only time that I got love because
when he wasn't abusing me, he that song messy, that's
like big at the moment, I'm too messy, I'm too.
That was him to a tee like I could not
no matter what I tried to be, And I was
(12:27):
that chameleon trying to twist and turn to what he wanted.
No matter what I did, it wasn't right. He would
criticize me, pull me down. So there was a part
of me that learned subconsciously that abuse is love. Love
is abuse. Abuse is love. That's what it is, that's
what it looks like. So you can only imagine the
path I went on from there. And then I guess
(12:49):
because of all of that trauma, because of all of
that confusion, I was strange. I had weird habits, I
strug with, struggled socially, I struggled to communicate. I struggled
in school. I thought I was dumb, I was bullied,
and I guess, to like top it all off, another
one of his family members brutally took my virginity when
(13:09):
I was seven, which was probably one of the biggest
memories that I had to actually work through because it
was just it was just awful. It was very traumatic.
So I just learned that men weren't safe, that no
one was safe, that you can't trust anybody, that if
you tell anybody, you're going to die. And I basically
carried that for thirty years of my life trying to
(13:30):
figure out what was wrong with me, why I was struggling.
Just yeah, a big mess I can't even imagine. And
thank you for being so open and vulnerable, because I
know you're not the only one who has gone through
a childhood like this, who has experienced such traumatic, horrific things.
(13:53):
So and I think a lot of women would be
listening who you know, may have experiences on a different
spectrum trim who haven't spoken about it, who haven't spoken up,
And so I just want to say thank you so
much for being so vulnerable and open, because I could
imagine it's not easy and it's not pretty, and there
is so much stigma around it still. So first of all,
(14:17):
it's just like so huge, and thank you for bringing
that so early in the conversation. I kind of would
love to just go a tiny bit deeper and ask, like,
so you were saying you thought that was love because
as a child, like yeah, like you said, it's your
primary caregiver, Like that's what we think is love. You
(14:38):
touched on a little bit, but like, how did that
look in your teenage years and then your early twenties,
Like what were you kind of seeking, what sort of
people were you were attracting? What was kind of like
the cycles that you were in. Yeah, So to me,
what I was unconsciously seeking that like repetition compulsion. I
was trying to heal the wound with different men, boys
(14:59):
that felt similar. So what I was unconsciously seeking out,
like unbeknownst to me at the time, I was seeking
out men that were confusing, that were hot and cold,
that were up and down, that were very critical. So
those same sorts of behaviors that were untrustworthy, that would
betray me, that would betray my trust, that would that
would feel unsafe, like it's so crazy now, But like
(15:22):
the biggest green flag to me for like yep, this
is a go was when I would feel anxiety around
them because I was just so used to feeling feeling
anxious and uncomfortable and unsafe around men that that felt normal.
Whereas a man who was safe and I'd be like, oh,
he's definitely gay or like you know, or I'd be
(15:42):
like oh he's not my time, he's too soft, or
like there would be a feeling of safety, but then
when I'd be like, oh, there's there's nothing sexual there,
because that's obviously not you know, if that's not what
I'm attracted to. So I didn't realize that that's what
I was doing, and that's what I was attracting. Definitely,
for me, it was that hot and cold and the
like highly critical person that would you couldn't do anything right,
(16:06):
like you'd do this and then that'd be wrong, So
you'd do this and then that would be wrong. And
it just yeah, and it's so interesting because yeah, like
what we don't realize is that's what we look for
in a partner is almost trying to heal that you know.
And I'm sure like in those relationships, were then you
(16:27):
trying to prove that you could get love from that person, absolutely,
like I was trying to heal that original wound. And
the thing is, like, you don't attract somebody who's the
complete opposite to the person who hurt you to heal
the wound, because it won't feel like you're healing the
wound because it's a different person. Whereas if you're unconsciously
attracting someone who is the same, you know, the same,
(16:48):
they feel the same, they have similar traits, they have
similar behaviors, and then all of a sudden they change
and they start loving you. It feels like it's going
to heal that original wound because they're so similar. We're
not going to go and find somebody who's the complete opposite.
Ideally that would heal the wound, but we don't do
that because our brain is looking for similarities and we're
just biologically wired that way. So if someone is listening
(17:12):
to this and they're having the light bulb moment, so like,
holy shit, this is why I always attracted the bad boy.
This is why I'm constantly attracting people who treat me
like shit, what would you kind of say to them?
Like what was the initial kind of actions, whether it
be subconscious, like any sort of work you did that
(17:34):
made you start to realize that it's like, okay, this
is actually my past. That it's like recreating the future
and I can change that. Like when was that moment?
I think this was so many moments, but I think
in regards to relationships specifically, there was definitely it was
a long process for me, which is why I am
(17:56):
to kind of help women to shorten it. But it
was a long process of like I had been raised
to think that everything was my fault, so the abuse
was my fault. I wanted this apparently, and I, you know,
like I'd been raised to just take on all blame
into self blame. And I was self gas lighting so hard.
And self gas lighting is essentially where you have an
(18:17):
issue or you see a wrong behavior and then you go, oh,
that feels wrong, and then before you even bring it up,
you go on, it's probably me. I'm probably being dramatic,
and you gaslight yourself without anyone else having to do it.
Those behaviors then go through into relationships, and I think
I had done so many years, like ten years plus
work on myself that every time something could happen I
(18:40):
was married at the time, every time something could happen
with my husband, my ex husband, I would be like, Oh,
that's a me issue, that's something I need to work on.
What shadow is that? What belief is that? And I
had gotten I'd gotten so deep and had gone through
so many layers that I'd been building my worth and
then all of a sudden, I was like, hold on, no, no,
(19:02):
you shouldn't fucking speak to me like that. No, no, no,
And that's it not me calling it out. You shouldn't
be doing it, And all of a sudden, I had
this level of knowing because I'm like, no, I've done
my work. I've done a lot of work on myself.
You've done none. And I also started to just open
my eyes and I started to become aware of his
behaviors and yeah, it just really started to But it
(19:22):
took because obviously I've had so much trauma. It took
so much. Like my self worth was just nonexistent, like
I would have I remember writing in my journals about
feeling like lots smaller than a piece of dirt, like
just being feeling stepped on, feeling betrayed, feeling just the
lowest of low. There had to be a level of
(19:46):
worth increasing, which came from belief work before I could
get to that point to be like hold on a minute,
hold on a minute. So you had to build up
that belief system, that self esteem, and then you were
able to see things more clearly. Because I didn't know,
like you might know, I knew, Sorry, that's not true.
(20:06):
I knew. I knew it was wrong because it felt wrong,
because it felt uncomfortable, because it made me feel small.
But I was so deep in this like you know,
self low self worth, in putting myself down in self
gas lighting, that I just couldn't even get to that
point where I would address it and bring it to
the relationship. So I really did have to build that
(20:27):
level of worth first before I was actually able to
then address it. And I think a pivotal moment for
me was no, it was my body and was bodywork.
Because I'd done so much work on the mind. I
had done thousands of beliefs, so many memory processing, and
I decided to start listening to my body over my
mind for a short period of time, and it was like, Okay,
(20:50):
when I'm around this person, what do I feel? Oh,
my fists clench up, my shoulders tightened, my body locks up,
I retract, my body is retre acting. How do I
feel when I'm next to this person? What does it
feel like hugging this person? I started to just notice
how my body felt around different people, and no matter
how much belief work I did, my body was like
(21:12):
absolutely not. It was what I jampa locked up. The
body doesn't lie, and it knows, and it has an
intelligence far superior to your brain. And my body was
just screaming at me that I just didn't feel safe.
And I spoke for years about safe love. I want
safe love or this kind of love. I'd love to
be treated like this, Like I knew what I wanted
and what I was craving because I got to the
(21:34):
point where I'd broken that cycle of like, Okay, we
don't need to be loved in this really toxic, intense way.
I want this other kind of love. And it was
like my inner child and me, I was just craving it,
and unfortunately I was with somebody who just couldn't give it,
who just had When you were speaking about in a
previous episode, when you were speaking about your relationship and
(21:55):
the evolution, it was like, well, who I was when
I went into that relationship was somebody who is extremely
low self worth, weak, like a pushover. I would self gaslight,
I would pretend that I didn't see things that were wrong.
I would not bring anything up. I was people pleaser,
That's who you know he had fallen in love with.
And then all of a sudden, I'd started shifting and
(22:17):
changing and started speaking up and started becoming this new
version that just we just were no longer aligned and
can I ask more about that because they think a
lot of the time, you know, especially women, we will
go on this healing journey and you know, we will
(22:38):
better ourselves, we will find our traumas, will work on ourselves.
And often we do have a partner who doesn't do
the work and they kind of stay the same. But
there can be this sense of guilt of like, well,
I said yes to the marriage, Like I said yes
to this person when they were here, and I've changed,
so is it appropriate to leave them? Like you know,
(23:01):
though I'm not sure if those feelings came up for you,
but even like, could you talk and expand more? And that,
because I feel like a lot of women would hold
so much guilt even if they know this is not
the right relationship. I'm such a different person. I deserve better.
But because it's been a long relationship, they were young,
it would feel so hard to leave. Yeah, it absolutely does,
(23:24):
and it's not something that's ever easy. And that's what
I say. I've worked with plenty of people that are
wanting to leave marriages, that have just left marriages and
things like that, especially when kids get involved. I think
for me, there was definitely a moment of like I've
had a really shitty thirty something years and I'm not
willing to sacrifice another thirty Like life is really precious
(23:47):
to me now, and I actually just can't And that's
just something internally, So obviously that's not going to work
for everybody, but for me, it was just like, oh,
life is really precious and I actually just can't, can't
live this way anymore. But everything that your brain is
telling you is basically it's your subconscious beliefs. It's your
beliefs coming to the surface about what you think other
(24:09):
people are going to think, what you think they're going
to think. Like, all of that is your old programming.
And I think when I moved into like well like
because kids is the biggest one, right, a lot of
women say to me, what about the kids? And I
had that same thing. I'm like, I'm going to ruin them.
I'm going to give them trauma, I'm going to ruin
their childhood. And then I was like, actually, I'm going
to show them that you never stay when you're in
(24:31):
an unhappy relationship. I'm going to model that. I'm going
to show them that. And in regards to the relationship,
I was like, I really gave it my all, I
did really try everything, and I think that's where we
need to be able to draw that line in the
sand and set a date and go, you know what,
I'm going to work on myself. Every time we have
a fight, I'm going to look inward and I'm going
(24:51):
to do XYZB. But if I get to this date
and we're still having the same fights and there's no
change on their behalf, then I need to make that
call essentially. But it's the guilt. I think women are
just programmed with guilt, like we feel guilt. I just
I think everyone's program with guilt. But we definitely have that,
like mum guilt that we were nurturing by nature, and
(25:15):
I think it's just redirecting that nurturing into yourself and
being like, okay, what is this? Because relationships should be
there to serve us. Yeah at the end of the day,
like we pretend like they're not, but they need to
be serving us in a way and serving our partner,
and there needs to be that equal flow. Not always equal,
but there needs to be that flow. And if you're
(25:36):
not getting anything out of the relationship anymore, then it's
kind of like you're wasting your life. You're wasting your
precious time. And for me, it always comes back to time.
It's like how much more time do you want to waste?
And also something I feel like even you could switch it,
you know, if you have children. And something I kind
of brought into my decision making is even asking myself like,
(26:00):
would I want Ivy to be in this type of relationship?
Would I want Ivy to go through this? Would I
want you know, that's my daughter? Sorry, and putting it
like that way, would I want her just to stay
because of somethink I want it, you know, like switching
in ahead and be like, oh my god, no, I
would want like I just want what's best for her.
I want her to be happy, and I would never
(26:21):
want her to think you know, X, Y and Z,
so think even you have kids, like switching it that
way and be like, what would you want for them?
What would you want them to experience? Would you want
them to experience that ultimate safe, incredible, beautiful love or
accept what they're currently accepting? Yeah? Absolutely, And the only
way to do that is to show them, Like I said,
(26:43):
you have to show them because you can say to them,
you deserve this kind of love and you deserve that
kind of love and chase your dreams. But if you're
still doing the same job that you've hated forever, they're
probably going to do that because they watch what you do.
So it's definitely, yeah, I see that so much. Like
even Ivy, you know, get up. I put on my makeup.
She wants to put on makeup. I put on my clothes,
(27:04):
she wants to put on a pretty dress. And I'm like,
oh my gosh, it's not so much what I say
to her. She is watching everything that I do. Yeah,
which is it's a lot to carry, but it honestly
has changed my life with my perspective. Okay, so season
(27:26):
seven of the Rise and Conquer podcast is all about
getting everything you want, and this is something that I've
really been trying to challenge and step into. So I
credit a whole season on it, and I kind of
wanted to talk to you about how do you think
healing trauma and removing our blocks plays into getting everything
(27:47):
we want. I think if you have trauma and you
have those limiting beliefs surrounding that trauma, it's almost impossible.
Like there are those instances where people absolutely fluke. But
I think especially the bigger trauma and those more complex
repetitive traumas and things like that. Like every time you
go to take a step forward, your brain is using
(28:10):
old information running that through the system to see is
this a safe move or is this not a safe move?
And if you have a lot of trauma, it's never
going to feel like a safe move. So moving forward
into what you want requires you to step into a
version of yourself that you probably get. Like so many
people can't even see, can't even visualize, Like one of
the most detrimental things about trauma is that you actually
(28:34):
can't after a period of time, you actually can't visualize
the future. So when you do visualizations and things like that,
and some people might relate to this if they've been
trying to do manifestation visualizations, there's actually a part of
your brain that switches off imagination. There's actually like it's
a survival mechanism. When you've had too much trauma, and
you've had too much trauma, your imagination and your ability
(28:55):
to be able to think long term into the future
will actually be restricted for survival because it's not actually
beneficial for you to do that. It's more you're focus
just on the right now, on the survival, on what's happening,
and so you actually lose that ability. I feel like
for a lot of people that becomes like a really
big obstacle and that comes back. That can come back,
(29:15):
but it has to come back through a period of
processing those traumatic memories and processing the subconscious beliefs that
are stored in the traumatic memories. Because you've got you know,
people who just do the subconscious work right and you
can shift the beliefs. That's like changing the program changing
the programming, but where that programming started is a memory
and is in a moment, and so you've still got
(29:37):
evidence that it's true. So the tiniest little shake or
a little rock in the road of that and that
belief will come back to the surface because you haven't
processed where it was created, the emotional you know, the
emotions that are trapped in that memory. So you actually
need to be processing the memories as well as the
subconscious beliefs so that you can then start to move
(29:58):
into this version of yourself that can actually get everything
that you want. And for some people that would just
feel and for me, I know, it felt so frustrating.
I was like, why can't I manifest? Like why can't I?
Why can't I get that thing? And then there was
just all of these beliefs of like you don't deserve that,
you're nothing. Do you know where you came from? Like
look at who your daddy is, look at what you've
been through. Nobody wants to know that. All of these
(30:20):
host of things would come up and it's like, then, Okay,
where did I learn that? What moment was that created in?
How do I start to shift those subconscious beliefs? Because
your beliefs about who you are and also about how
the world operates is your operating system for manifesting. Like, yes,
you go into your conscious mind, but also like your
(30:44):
subconscious is what's ruling the show. So you can have
these you know, even if you can tap into it
and you can have these beautiful visualizations from dropping in
from your conscious mind, you've got to pull them into
your subconscious to make it happen. And if your subconscious
is like if you've had this beautiful idea of like
this is what I want to manifest, and you're subconscious
is like you're a loser, You're a weirdo, no one
likes you, You're not worthy, you're pathetic. If that's your
(31:06):
belief system, I'm not lovable, I'm not worthy, I'm not enough.
And you try and step into that, that's going to
feel like absolute chaos and you're just going to pull
yourself right back into safety be able to do it. No,
So it's everything, It's the most important, POC. Yeah, well,
let's even take it back a step, because something I
have conversations about like immediate you know, people around me
(31:30):
or even on the podcast is for example, when I
was on your podcast, I was talking about because I
had a very normal, normal childhood. I had very loving parents,
I felt very safe. There was like no nothing, you know,
I could really tell you about memories or incidents or whatnot.
I always was like, I don't have to do in
(31:51):
a child work. I don't have to do that. Like
I had a great childhood. And it wasn't until like
you know, I had a achieved all the things and
I had like ticked off everything, and I still felt
quite numb that it was like hey, and I think
I need to actually look into this. And then I
started doing like inner child work and healing traumas and
(32:12):
they weren't big Tea traumas like what you've spoken about,
but they were still things that like had shaped me,
that were holding me back or were driving the story.
And I think maybe a lot of women who you know,
maybe they haven't gone through the big tea traumas, so
they were like, I don't need to do trauma work.
What's the kind of like science and what's the kind
of things that they could look for that maybe they'll
(32:33):
be listening they'll be like, Ooh, maybe I do need
to do because I think trauma. Like even like when
I spoke to my dad about certain things, He's like, trauma.
You don't have trauma. You had the best childhood I
made sure, Like you know, it's like very stigmatized, yeah
sort of thing. Yeah, Well, because like really to me,
because a lot of people come to me honestly and
they're like, oh, I'm really bad, Like I haven't had
(32:55):
anywhere near the experiences of you, but I feel like
I had a really traumatic childhood. And they they feel
almost guilty about coming to do the work because they
feel like, oh, I don't really have a big problem.
But the reality is, I say to every single person,
a trauma is basically an unprocessed memory you. It's a
memory that is open. So if you think about process
(33:18):
memories that are storting your brain, they're closed off, they're
filed away, right. A traumatic memory is open so every time,
and it's open for survival. So any moment where you
felt like you weren't safe and you created a belief
about who you were or how the world is, that
memory is open because it thinks. Your brain thinks that
it needs to keep that memory open. It's like, I
need to keep this open so that we don't make
(33:39):
that same mistake again. So I'm going to keep it open,
and then I'm just going to remind you that you
no one likes you, or that you need to be
you know, quiet, or you need to be whatever the
characteristics are around what you decided you had to be
in that moment. So, if you think about it in
terms of that, it's an unprocessed memory. So any memories
that you have that come back, that are repetitive or
(34:00):
that you that you constantly think about or constantly come
up in your day to day, that's a trauma. And
so any limiting beliefs you have come from a trauma. Yes,
and so every trigger that you have has a memory
linked to it. Your trigger isn't by accident. Your triggers
are those unprocessed memories. So it's reminding you that they're there.
It's like look at me. It's like look at me
(34:21):
because for survival. But if you've shift that into a
healing mondet, it's like, look at me. I need to
be healed. Look at me. I want to be closed off.
I want to be finalized. I want to be finished.
So in that memory, there's a belief, there's an inner child,
there's unprocessed emotions, and there's a few things that need
to be done for that memory to be able to
be processed and filed away as that wasn't That was
an a pivotal moment that we need to keep going through.
(34:43):
And when you do that, the triggers disappear. So people
think that it's got to be these big things. But
I'm closing off memories and working on traumas all the time.
Around things that happened in the school yard, around a
passing comment from a parent, just a passing comment, and
they were having a bad day probably and said something
that was that they shouldn't have said, and it felt
(35:05):
like a shock to that person, and they didn't know
how to process it. So the other key thing with
trauma is that it's confusion. What causes the memory to
not be able to be processed is that there was
a level of confusion involved. So if you were confused
about your parents' divorce, or you were confused about what
the truth was that in that scenario, or any moments
where you were confused about why is this happening, you're
(35:27):
going to store that. You're going to keep that open
because you haven't also come to some sort of conclusion.
So in a child, work is going back as your
adult self and giving that child resolution and a new
meaning and a new conclusion because they might have decided
that it meant that they're worthless, but really it meant
mum was having a bad day. Yeah, Mum's just being
a bitch today. Yeah. So we go back and we
(35:47):
change those narratives, working with the inner child whilst we're
in the correct brainwave in a hypnotic state, and we
make sure that we process that memory doing like a
number of things. So there's no the method is the
same no matter how big the trauma. And something I
say to all people, it's a little bit more intense
when you're talking this other end of the spectrum of
(36:08):
some of the things that I work with, But the
method is the same and they all need to be
worked on because at the end of the day, the
reason that people are wanting to get into this world
of manifesting and of self healing and self work is
because they're not happy. So the signs are you're not happy,
you're getting triggered all the time, you're thinking negative thoughts
(36:31):
about yourself, Like if you're not loving yourself, if you
don't think that you're the best person to walk this earth,
and you don't think that you're a valuable, important person,
you're constantly getting triggered. You have anxious or avoidant attachment styles.
All of those things are signs that there is something
there that needs to be healed and you cannot look
at it. But you're also not going to grow, because
(36:52):
until you change your subconscious mind, you don't grow. You
just are who you are. You just are who you've
been told you have to be who you truly are.
I actually want to be super vulnerable here and share
a memory from my childhood which actually affected so much
in my life, and like when I went back and
processed it I can see, like how small, but it
(37:14):
literally affected me for like thirty years. And just an example,
because again I don't think people can understand how like
such small things can actually affect them and drive such
be such driving factors in their unconscious behavior. And I
had this, you know, this unconscious behavior in this belief
(37:35):
of like almost don't trust people and you need to
protect you need to protect yourself, like don't trust anyone.
And I was quite closed off child, teenage years, early twenties,
and it was kind of like keep all your cards
close to you, don't be vulnerable. And when I worked
(37:56):
with a practitioner and we kind of got to the
earliest memory. It was around maybe I was like six,
and so funny, I can't believe I'm saying this on it,
but basically it was around my mom thought I had worms,
and so to check if you have worms, she literally
(38:18):
one night like I was obviously you know I told that,
but one night, like I was sleeping, and she came
into my room and she checked my bum with a
torch to check if I had worms. And then the
next morning like I didn't, but she told everyone about
it at the breakfast table, and like don't get me wrong,
(38:39):
my mom has never been unsafe. Like she is a
stay at home mom with four children, the most loving
maternal person you would ever meet, like, would die for me,
would die for Ivy, like drops everything at you know,
like just the best mum ever. Can't fool her. And
this memory from that point when I was six years old,
(39:01):
because like you know, I have three older brothers, they
were obviously like laughing and teasing. I was like, you
cannot be vulnerable and you cannot trust anyone. That's such
small memory, and obviously then you have more memories that
you build evidence on. Was then the reason why I
was so guarded to my husband, so guarded to my
(39:21):
best friends. And it's so like that was like when
I went back there and realized, like that was a
memory again it could have I almost felt guilty. I
was like, really, daughter, like that's what you picked to, like,
you know, not be vulnerable and feel so alone for
so long. But that's that's all it was. And it
was just a small, seemingly insignificant moment, Yeah, but it
(39:44):
meant catapulted so much to the six year old me.
She felt unsafe, She felt you know, like not protected
or exposed, embarrassed or shame, Yeah, shamed, all those sorts
of things. And so I just wanted to share that
example because again I think think people think, oh, I
don't have trauma, but it can take something like that
that will literally drive then a whole story that could
(40:08):
change your whole life. Yeah, and every single thing that
happens to you, whether it's traumatic or not, every single
thing that happens to you in those developmental years is
shaping who you are. So even if you don't necessarily
perceive it as traumatic, it could just be like something
that you've observed in your parents' behavior and it's like, Okay,
well my mum my dad was an alcoholic. He drank
(40:31):
all the time. So that's what a man, like a
boy growing up would be like, that's what a man does.
And it's just this kind of like monkey see, monkey do.
But you're developing who you are based around the people
that are that are taking care of you and the
people that are in your world. So it's not even
just trauma work. It's also just like who, like, who
are you before they told you who you had to be? Who?
(40:53):
Who are you before each of those you know, those
people in your life kind of started to shape you
around who they thought you should be, So it covers
that as well. It really is like an an unbecoming
of everything that you don't that doesn't feel right, that
doesn't fit right, that you got told you had to
be so that you can start to become who you
want to be. Yeah, And for me, like going back
(41:14):
to that specific incidant, it was like all I built
up so much of like you can't trust people, don't
be vulnerable, always protect yourself, like never share more than
you need to, and these things that again you know,
kept me at a distance to like key people. And
so it wasn't until I realized that and I was like,
that's so weird. Why don't I just feel comfortable to
(41:36):
open up? Why don't I just feel And that was
kind of the little piece that I had to continuously find.
I want to kind of switch gears and chat about
like kind of what we're talking about. But like, triggers
can be very overwhelming because they can almost put us
into like a victim mentality of blaming everyone else. And
(41:57):
I would love to know if you kind of have
like a quick little proces of like if you're getting
triggered what you can do with it. And obviously I
know there's a longer process. But you know, if someone's
getting really triggered all the time, Yeah, if someone's getting
really triggered all the time over lots of different things,
it probably is their nervous system to a agree, like
they're just literally stuck in fight a flight and perceive
(42:19):
everything as a threat, which is where those triggers are
coming from. So a little bit of nervous system love
if you're getting triggered all the time. I think one
of the most common misconceptions with triggers is that people
think that like, I guess, when you've had a lot
of trauma, or when you yeah, when you've experienced a
lot of trauma, or even just a few traumas that
have shaped who you are. When you're triggered, your brain,
(42:43):
like the part of your brain, your prefrontal cortex, the
part of your brain that's actually responsible for regulating your emotions,
goes offline. So you literally are like, you're feeling like
you're back in that moment, which is why I come
back to that unprocessed memory. So it's like you actually
aren't responding as thirty five old. Yes, you're responding as
six year old yess who remembers a moment very similar
(43:04):
to this one, and you're responding from that level because
your brain is literally taking you back to that unprocessed memory.
And people who have flashbacks will understand this because they
go actually back there. But a lot of this is
happening a lot of the time with people when they're triggered.
They're actually going back to a moment that's been unprocessed,
and so actually stopping themselves in the moment and being like, well,
(43:25):
I'm triggered right now, I'm going to pull it in.
I'm going to do XYZ. That doesn't work because you're
triggered because your brain isn't operating the way it should
be operating. So for me, it's about it's about the downtime.
It's about like noticing that you have been triggered. Is
it first step full stop awareness? Noticing you've been triggered,
write it down. And then once you notice that you've
(43:47):
been triggered, it's like removing yourself and going, Okay, I've
been triggered. Everything that my brain is telling me right
now is going to be is going to be false.
It's going to be skewed because you think that it's
one hundred percent absolutely truth. So I get a piece
of paper. I get my clients to get a piece
of paper and put a line down the middle and
write down what feels true right now, what's being activated,
(44:08):
what's the truth right now? And then on the other
side of the piece of paper, once they've calmed themselves
down a little bit, to really force themselves to go
what else could be true? What else could be true
right now? And to help them to come up with
that new narrative. Now, you need to be able to
be in a state to do this, and a lot
of people they're trigger just takes them away. It takes
them away. They're in a rage, their mind grows a
(44:30):
million hours. They're just like, I can't do this, I'm done.
If it's a breakup, if it's a relationship fight, you're
the problem. You do this, you do that, and it's
all projection. And there is a time when we need
to come back and take responsibility for that. But we
have to first realize that we've been triggered. So getting
really comfortable with like, what are the signs of me
being triggered? And I know for me, a sign that
(44:52):
I'm triggered, is dismissed being dismissive if I'm like whatever,
If I'm just like whatever, just don't worry about it,
I'm like, oh, something's triggered me because I'm being so
closed off right now. So getting to know what's your
go to when you're triggered? Is it? Is it anger?
Is it sadness? Is it withdrawal? Is it putting the
walls up? What does it look like so that you
(45:12):
can start to notice when you've been triggered? And I
promise that the more that you do this, the quicker
you get to being able to notice it. It's like
a muscle. So it's like I used to it used
to take me a week to realize that I was
triggered a week earlier, and then it took like literally,
it would take me that long to realize what triggered me,
and I'd be like, what is wrong with me? And
then I'd be like, ah, you said this thing on Tuesday,
(45:34):
and I would go it would take me a long
time to realize, and then it was like, Okay, actually,
now I can notice it within a day, and then
it's like within an hour, within minutes, and you get
quicker and quicker at noticing that you've been triggered, and
noticing those bodily cues, whether it's physical tension, whether you're
feeling physically unwell, whether your heart starts to race, whether
it's anxiety, or whether it's those more patterns. I think
(45:57):
patterns in relationships are easier to pick. A romantic relationship
or your relationship with your parents is always going to
be your biggest like how you're going to show you
all of your triggers. So focusing on how you show
up in those relationships, what your patterns are there, and
looking at what else could be true and doing that
exercise is probably the number one thing. And also just
(46:18):
being so kind to yourself, because the reality is when
you're triggered, you have no control of what your brain
is doing. It's switching off and it's taking over to
protect you. It thinks it's doing the right thing. And
so just being kind to yourself and being like, this
is a result of what's happened. It's not who I
truly am. It's a result of what's happened to me
in the past. Once I move away, I can go
(46:40):
and look at that and go yep, okay, it's my
responsibility to fix it. No one else is coming to
save me. But also having that compassion for like right
now in the moment, I acted the way I acted
because I didn't see any other opportunity in any other
way because my brain wasn't processing correctly. Wow, that's so
help me. Just really absorbing, like you're like having so
many moments. No, I really appreciate that. I think that's
(47:04):
going to be so helpful. And something you said kind
of at the start is like if you are triggered
all the time, like what you would say to that
person is like nervous system regulation is going to be
their best friend. Like what some quick sort of exercises
that you go to regulate your nervous system if you
do notice that you're overactivated, you're triggered, just to get
your brain down to like okay, I can actually see
(47:25):
this differently. Yeah, So there's like a kind of derived
from EMDR. There's like an eye movement technique that I teach.
I've done it a few, like shoe toils on social media,
like an ie movement one. It's probably I don't have
time to show to teach it through today, but I'll
we can leave it on the show figure out. Yeah.
But yeah, there's definitely an eye movement technique that instantly
(47:47):
recalibrates your nervous system. And the other thing as well
is going slow. So there's all these different nervous system hacks,
and there's a lot of them that are bad. So
for instance, like ice baths and things like that are
actually terrible for some with a dysregular nervous SYSM. They're
only good if you've got a good nervous system already,
absolutely not getting there's so many, No, there's so many
(48:07):
bad ones. But I think going slow because your nervous system,
when it thinks there's a threat, it's going to speed
up and you're gonna do everything you can. Be brushing
you to eat like this, and you walk down the street,
let this youn be rushing. To slow down is going
to be the most soothing thing for your nervous system
to not rush, which is going to be really difficult
for some people. But definitely that eye movement. I use
(48:28):
that with my clients all the time and it just
fully resets you. The thing as well with your nervous
system is that it does take a little while to recover,
but once it's recovered like it's strong, and it will
get stronger. So it's that thing of you know, you've
got this window of tolerance and up here you've got
fight or flight, and down here you've got association, and
then you've got this beautiful window in the middle where
(48:49):
if you're hualsy, you'll spend your day in this window
of tolerance in regulation and you'll be able to handle
the stresses of everyday life and staying within that window.
After periods of long term stress, that window becomes really small,
and essentially what happens is you wake up in the
morning and you're already triggered, you're already in fight to flight.
You can only survive there for so long before your
nervous system has to switch the flick, click the switchitch
(49:13):
and shut you down and put you into dissociation so
that you can just check out. And then you'll be
flogging and you'll be dreamy and you won't know what's
going on. Then you'll need to you'll eventually come back
up into your window, and if it's still this little
tiny window, because your nervous system is weak, your vagus
nerve is weak, you'll just go straight back into fight
to flight and the cycle continues again. With this eye
movement technique and with going slow and retraining it, you're
(49:35):
actually building out that window and making your nervous system
stronger so that when a stress does happen, you can
handle it without going into fight to flight. That's incredible.
Thank you so much for sharing that last question that
I want to ask, because I know we're running out
of time and it's just been incredible chatting to you
is again, I feel like a lot of you know,
(49:57):
people women when they have had trauma, and they're so
used to living in a state of constantly being triggered,
constantly in dissociation, constantly, you know, not able to process
things or work through it feels like they're normal, like
they kind of they don't know what else it feels like.
And I would love for you to chat about, like
(50:19):
what does it truly mean to thrive in life from
a healed and whole place? Like what's that feeling? Yeah,
to me, it's always embodied. To me, it's always it's
a liveness, this feeling of like I'm alive, because trauma
steals that from you as well, Like you don't feel
alive no matter what you do, so I think this
(50:40):
feeling of a liveness, like, but it's calm, a liveness,
because you can have chaotic liveness through like I'm going
here and doing this and all these amazing things are happening.
That's right orf flight, and so you're absolutely right, Like
you get used to living in fight or flight, but
when you feel calm, it feels like something's coming for
you and something really bad is going to happen because
(51:00):
you're not used to it. You're so used to fight
orf flight, and so it's bit by bit. It really
is bit by bit rebuilding that nervous system, processing those
memories and getting used to this new normal of calm.
But for me, it's definitely it's a liveness. It's feeling calm,
and it's love because one of the biggest things we
all want love, like that at the bottom of everything.
(51:24):
If everything got stripped away from you, but you still
had love, you would be fine. Like what we're fearing
if we bring back everything. In our conversation, we're afraid
of getting too big because we're afraid of people not
loving us. We're afraid of speaking up because we don't
want people to stop loving us. We're afraid of conflict
in relationship because we don't want them to stop loving us.
We just want love. We want to love and be loved,
(51:46):
and it really is that simple. So for me, healed
is like I love everybody that I meet, and I
feel like people love me and I have these beautiful connections.
And for me, that's how you know that you're healing,
because you feel like your heart is open and you
feel like you're actually making these deeper connections. You actually
feel that love like coming back and forth. And that's
(52:08):
one of the things that if you don't feel loved,
you know that you've got more healing work to do,
because I feel like that is our true nature once
we go through all of those layers. So yeah, definitely
a liveness, love, and a sense of come because I
watch people who have all of the things materialistically and
I watch them and they look like they are in
absolute chaos and on the brink of burnout, and I'm like, oh,
(52:31):
that's not happy, that's not a happy life. That's not
what I want. Yeah, that's not what my nervous system
wants or Yeah, So I think that to me is
like that epitome of like healed and centered and actually
enjoying life. That's so beautiful. Thank you so much for
saying that. Thank you so much for coming on the
podcast and being so vulnerable and sharing so much. Honestly,
(52:54):
like without people like you being so open and having
to go through so much and making their mess their message,
like you truly are healing this whole world. So thank
you so much for coming on the show. And of
course I will link you our link everything that. If
anyone's listening to this and they want to move forward
(53:14):
and they're healing journey, they want to work through trauma,
make sure you do it. Guys, literally the best thing
I ever did. You will never regret it. You will
like if you want that feeling that Chess is just having,
Like that's the feeling, it is the feeling. Thank you
so much for having me. Thank you so much for
listening to this episode of the Rise and Conquer podcast.
If you enjoyed it and want more, connect with us
(53:37):
via Instagram or continue the conversation on our beautiful Facebook
community page. All the details are in the show notes,
and I'd love to hear more about your journey. Also,
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(53:58):
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I would like to acknowledge the traditional owners of the
land on which this episode is being recorded, the Combomb
Merry people. They've been having conversations and telling stories on
this land for thousands of years, and we show our
gratitude and respect for their contribution to our environment and culture.
(00:21):
This is Rise and Conquer, the podcast where we strive
to become the highest version of ourselves through curious conversations,
healthy mindsets, laughter, connection, and a deep desire to evolve.
I'm your host, Georgie Stevenson. Join me as we explore parenthood, business, manifestation,
(00:46):
and so much more. It's positive, it's practical, and it's
about putting you in the driver's seat of your own life.
Are you ready? Welcome back to Season seven of the
Rise and Conker Podcast. Today's guest is the incredible Jessica Ella,
(01:07):
a woman's healing expert, speaker, podcast hosts, and founder of
the transformational Aurorca healing modality. Jessica's story is one of
radical reclaim after surviving a childhood filled with deep trauma,
including child abuse and sexual assault. I just do want
to give a trigger warning for you guys that we
(01:29):
do go into depths about her child abuse and sexual assault.
So if that is going to be triggering, I would
maybe skip this episode. She's really turned her pain into
profound purpose. Everything she is, Everything she has built from
the ground up, not from textbooks or theory, but through
(01:51):
lived experience, soul level healing, and walking herself through the
fire again and again. So over the last five years,
she's worked one on one with thousands of women to
help them transmute their pain into power, guide them to
heal at the root and reclaim the truth of who
(02:13):
they are. I actually found Jessica because she did some
one on one sessions with my best friend Lysinda Brandham,
which I'm sure you guys might know from my personal
Instagram and Lescinda raved about Jessica and has also done
her modality, and so I started following her and I
(02:34):
got obsessed with her and her content. So basically, in
this episode, we dive into how unresolved trauma can quite
literally shape your whole life. And if you keep being
stuck in the unresolved trauma, it creates these patterns. It's
disconnecting you from your truth, and it's blocking you from
(02:56):
the fulfillment that you truly desire. So Jessica shares how
to recognize the Simes trauma that could be still running
the show for you and gives you tools to begin
to start releasing it so you guys can create lives
that feel safe, expansive, and deeply aligned. This conversation is raw,
(03:17):
empowering and activating. Like I said, huge trigger warning for
sexual assault and child abuse. But if you are wanting
to listen to it, it is so moving, it's so deep,
it's incredible. So let's dive into this episode. Jess Welcome
to the Rise and Conquered Podcast. Thanks for having me.
(03:39):
I'm so excited you're here. I really came across you
because my best friend had done your accreditation and also
have another friend who has done some sessions with you
and they were getting incredible results, and so it's just
like very curious about you. I started like it into
(04:00):
your work and you are such an interesting person and
I love the work that you help other women work through. Yeah,
I was very excited to get you on the podcast
to kind of go to a deeper level. Before we
get into it, though, do you want to give a
quick intro to those who might not know who you are? Yes? So,
my name's Jessica Alla. I am a women's trauma healing expert.
(04:24):
So I have studied so many different modalities. I have
studied healing for the last fifteen years, inside out, upside down.
It was literally an obsession, like an obsession like orderline problem,
like couldn't think about anything else, couldn't talk about anything else.
I was every book, every documentary, just absolutely obsessed. I
(04:48):
started the certific So I have this of the Erica's
entification where I actually now teach people how to work
with trauma correctly because my number one passion was actually
creating something that works, because there's so much there that
doesn't go to that deep level. So yeah, I am
a SUREM a healer, I sometimes am a speaker, I
(05:08):
have my own podcast, I am a mom, I'm all
the things. And so just briefly, can you kind of
touch on like your accreditation, what sort of work does
that involve? Yeah, So it's called a ruka so aruka
healing or aruka therapy, and it's basically the only certification
(05:30):
that blends a combination of working with a subconscious mind,
working with the nervous system, and the body working with
memory processing. So similar to EMDR and also working with energetics,
so it blends those four things together, which I've discovered
over the last fifteen years that that is what you
need in order to heal. You need to be healing
at all those levels. And what I kind of discovered
(05:52):
was that people were going to do the subconscious work
and they were like, I feel good, but I still
I'm stressed. There's something missing. And then someone's like, you
should go to breath work and they were having these
big emotional releases and they're like, yeah, that's good, but
there's still something. And then they'd go to EMDR and
they were like, oh, this is it. Em DR is
the thing, and they were kind of placing it on
(06:13):
the last thing that they tried, not realizing that they'd
kind of closed the surface. Yeah, and so many women
hear this and they go, oh, I've been doing that.
I did all those things and now I'm good. But
I didn't realize. I thought it was just the AMDR
because it was the last thing. So I kind of
discovered that in order to heal, we have to heal
on all of those four levels. And once I discovered that,
(06:34):
it was kind of like everybody needs to know this,
so I actually had been healing was never actually something
that I was going to do as a career. It
was just like my obsession. As I mentioned, I sold
my last company, which was a wedding and events business,
and I was going to take six months off, and
I had a few friends and friends of friends that
(06:56):
knew that what I could do, so that I'd done
all of these different healing modalities and that I had
these superpowers, if you will, and they were like, oh,
could you just do a session for my friend. I'm like, yep, cool,
fifty bucks. And it just literally blew up from there
to the point of then having two years down the track,
huge waitlists and not being able to see everybody, so
(07:16):
then having to create the modality so that I could
then teach people Okay, this is how you work with people?
Well yeah, and it just kind of evolved from there.
That's incredible, and I think I'm so glad you kind
of spoke about those four levels, because you will have
people who you know, maybe do one and they're so
passionate about it. And then I've had to go on
(07:40):
that journey of it's not just the one thing, it's
all four of them together and it's a process. Like
it's like I don't want to use the word like
hard work, but it's work. And it's so funny because
whenever I'm talking to my students, I'm always like, you
got to do the work, and they like stop saying
work because they associate it with something like hard work. Yeah,
(08:01):
but it is true. And I think for you to
want to shift your identity and be someone different, there
is going to be uncomfortability And is that even a word?
I'm not sure. You're going to have to get uncomfortable.
And so I'm so glad you kind of touch on
that because it's very realistic, rather than do one subconscious
(08:25):
session and you're healed, Like, that's not the reality. No,
And I think it was for me as well, frustration
in that, like people were like, oh, healing doesn't work,
and I'm like, oh, what did you try? And then
tried one of those things. And for me it was like,
how can I speed this process up for people? Because
I obviously spent ten plus years doing it myself and
on myself and working through those layers. It was like,
(08:46):
what can I do to help women to speed up
that process so that they don't have to spend ten
years going to figure this out to all the four
different people, multiple different practitioners. I want them to be
able to come to one person that's like, I got
you so so important. Yeah, So basically I want to
get into it straight away. And I know when people
(09:08):
like they meet you, they work with you, you are so vibrant,
You're so glowy, and you seem like this beautiful, warm human.
But I do know that your story started in a
very different place, and I would love for you to
chat to us a little bit about Little Jess and
her experiences and how they have shaped you. Yeah. So
(09:32):
I guess for your listeners, definitely a trigger warning. Yeah.
I don't know if you put those in the start
of the episode or whatever, but just yeah, definitely big
trigger warning for sexual abuse. My story is definitely not light.
I try to like really summarize it because I've had thousands,
like hundreds to at least a thousand different traumas throughout
(09:54):
my life and not like there are hundreds of big
ta traumas, so it's really hard to kind of encapsulate
the entire experience. But if I really pull it back,
what shaped me and what was the most defining was
I was sexually abused by my father from three until
(10:14):
around twelve years old, then it stopped, and then when
I was around nineteen or twenty. It's hard to figure
out exact age, he also raped me. So I developed
throughout childhood what was diagnosed later as Stockholm syndrome. Because
he was my mother had left him when I was seven,
and because he was my caregiver. He was my father,
(10:36):
like we are biologically wired to love our parents, to
seek them for safety and for survival, and because he
was my most terrifying, like he was the most terrifying person,
but he was also my safe person. It was very,
very confusing as a child. So I developed Stockholm syndrome,
which for anyone that doesn't know, it's the diagnosis that
they give to somebody when they normally fall in love
(10:58):
with their kidnappers. And it's basically a way to survive.
So if you convince yourself that you love and adore
the person that is terrifying, they become less terrifying because
you're in control of that. So it's really hard when
people to wrap their head around. But I basically developed
two personalities, two sides, did multiple personality whatever you want
(11:21):
to call it, which have since been resolved. But I
had these two sides where one would love him and
adore him, and one would hate him and be remember everything,
and I basically would split those memories into those two parts,
and it helped me to survive. It helped me to
get through. So for context, as while my dad was
a criminal, he's a terrifying man, So there was also
(11:44):
a lot of terror. There was a lot of death threats.
He came into my room one night when I was
about five years old, drunk, holding a pillow over my
face and then letting me breathe holding it over my face,
letting me breathe and saying to me, if you tell
anybody what we do, I'm going to bury you in
the back. And he'd tell me where he was going
to bury me, and I'll kill you. All the time,
these death threats, and so I knew that what he
(12:07):
was doing was wrong because he was threatening to kill
me if I told anybody. But I also knew that
it was the only time that I got love because
when he wasn't abusing me, he that song messy, that's
like big at the moment, I'm too messy, I'm too.
That was him to a tee like I could not
no matter what I tried to be, And I was
(12:27):
that chameleon trying to twist and turn to what he wanted.
No matter what I did, it wasn't right. He would
criticize me, pull me down. So there was a part
of me that learned subconsciously that abuse is love. Love
is abuse. Abuse is love. That's what it is, that's
what it looks like. So you can only imagine the
path I went on from there. And then I guess
(12:49):
because of all of that trauma, because of all of
that confusion, I was strange. I had weird habits, I
strug with, struggled socially, I struggled to communicate. I struggled
in school. I thought I was dumb, I was bullied,
and I guess, to like top it all off, another
one of his family members brutally took my virginity when
(13:09):
I was seven, which was probably one of the biggest
memories that I had to actually work through because it
was just it was just awful. It was very traumatic.
So I just learned that men weren't safe, that no
one was safe, that you can't trust anybody, that if
you tell anybody, you're going to die. And I basically
carried that for thirty years of my life trying to
(13:30):
figure out what was wrong with me, why I was struggling.
Just yeah, a big mess I can't even imagine. And
thank you for being so open and vulnerable, because I
know you're not the only one who has gone through
a childhood like this, who has experienced such traumatic, horrific things.
(13:53):
So and I think a lot of women would be
listening who you know, may have experiences on a different
spectrum trim who haven't spoken about it, who haven't spoken up,
And so I just want to say thank you so
much for being so vulnerable and open, because I could
imagine it's not easy and it's not pretty, and there
is so much stigma around it still. So first of all,
(14:17):
it's just like so huge, and thank you for bringing
that so early in the conversation. I kind of would
love to just go a tiny bit deeper and ask, like,
so you were saying you thought that was love because
as a child, like yeah, like you said, it's your
primary caregiver, Like that's what we think is love. You
(14:38):
touched on a little bit, but like, how did that
look in your teenage years and then your early twenties,
Like what were you kind of seeking, what sort of
people were you were attracting? What was kind of like
the cycles that you were in. Yeah, So to me,
what I was unconsciously seeking that like repetition compulsion. I
was trying to heal the wound with different men, boys
(14:59):
that felt similar. So what I was unconsciously seeking out,
like unbeknownst to me at the time, I was seeking
out men that were confusing, that were hot and cold,
that were up and down, that were very critical. So
those same sorts of behaviors that were untrustworthy, that would
betray me, that would betray my trust, that would that
would feel unsafe, like it's so crazy now, But like
(15:22):
the biggest green flag to me for like yep, this
is a go was when I would feel anxiety around
them because I was just so used to feeling feeling
anxious and uncomfortable and unsafe around men that that felt normal.
Whereas a man who was safe and I'd be like, oh,
he's definitely gay or like you know, or I'd be
(15:42):
like oh he's not my time, he's too soft, or
like there would be a feeling of safety, but then
when I'd be like, oh, there's there's nothing sexual there,
because that's obviously not you know, if that's not what
I'm attracted to. So I didn't realize that that's what
I was doing, and that's what I was attracting. Definitely,
for me, it was that hot and cold and the
like highly critical person that would you couldn't do anything right,
(16:06):
like you'd do this and then that'd be wrong, So
you'd do this and then that would be wrong. And
it just yeah, and it's so interesting because yeah, like
what we don't realize is that's what we look for
in a partner is almost trying to heal that you know.
And I'm sure like in those relationships, were then you
(16:27):
trying to prove that you could get love from that person, absolutely,
like I was trying to heal that original wound. And
the thing is, like, you don't attract somebody who's the
complete opposite to the person who hurt you to heal
the wound, because it won't feel like you're healing the
wound because it's a different person. Whereas if you're unconsciously
attracting someone who is the same, you know, the same,
(16:48):
they feel the same, they have similar traits, they have
similar behaviors, and then all of a sudden they change
and they start loving you. It feels like it's going
to heal that original wound because they're so similar. We're
not going to go and find somebody who's the complete opposite.
Ideally that would heal the wound, but we don't do
that because our brain is looking for similarities and we're
just biologically wired that way. So if someone is listening
(17:12):
to this and they're having the light bulb moment, so like,
holy shit, this is why I always attracted the bad boy.
This is why I'm constantly attracting people who treat me
like shit, what would you kind of say to them?
Like what was the initial kind of actions, whether it
be subconscious, like any sort of work you did that
(17:34):
made you start to realize that it's like, okay, this
is actually my past. That it's like recreating the future
and I can change that. Like when was that moment?
I think this was so many moments, but I think
in regards to relationships specifically, there was definitely it was
a long process for me, which is why I am
(17:56):
to kind of help women to shorten it. But it
was a long process of like I had been raised
to think that everything was my fault, so the abuse
was my fault. I wanted this apparently, and I, you know,
like I'd been raised to just take on all blame
into self blame. And I was self gas lighting so hard.
And self gas lighting is essentially where you have an
(18:17):
issue or you see a wrong behavior and then you go, oh,
that feels wrong, and then before you even bring it up,
you go on, it's probably me. I'm probably being dramatic,
and you gaslight yourself without anyone else having to do it.
Those behaviors then go through into relationships, and I think
I had done so many years, like ten years plus
work on myself that every time something could happen I
(18:40):
was married at the time, every time something could happen
with my husband, my ex husband, I would be like, Oh,
that's a me issue, that's something I need to work on.
What shadow is that? What belief is that? And I
had gotten I'd gotten so deep and had gone through
so many layers that I'd been building my worth and
then all of a sudden, I was like, hold on, no, no,
(19:02):
you shouldn't fucking speak to me like that. No, no, no,
And that's it not me calling it out. You shouldn't
be doing it, And all of a sudden, I had
this level of knowing because I'm like, no, I've done
my work. I've done a lot of work on myself.
You've done none. And I also started to just open
my eyes and I started to become aware of his
behaviors and yeah, it just really started to But it
(19:22):
took because obviously I've had so much trauma. It took
so much. Like my self worth was just nonexistent, like
I would have I remember writing in my journals about
feeling like lots smaller than a piece of dirt, like
just being feeling stepped on, feeling betrayed, feeling just the
lowest of low. There had to be a level of
(19:46):
worth increasing, which came from belief work before I could
get to that point to be like hold on a minute,
hold on a minute. So you had to build up
that belief system, that self esteem, and then you were
able to see things more clearly. Because I didn't know,
like you might know, I knew, Sorry, that's not true.
(20:06):
I knew. I knew it was wrong because it felt wrong,
because it felt uncomfortable, because it made me feel small.
But I was so deep in this like you know,
self low self worth, in putting myself down in self
gas lighting, that I just couldn't even get to that
point where I would address it and bring it to
the relationship. So I really did have to build that
(20:27):
level of worth first before I was actually able to
then address it. And I think a pivotal moment for
me was no, it was my body and was bodywork.
Because I'd done so much work on the mind. I
had done thousands of beliefs, so many memory processing, and
I decided to start listening to my body over my
mind for a short period of time, and it was like, Okay,
(20:50):
when I'm around this person, what do I feel? Oh,
my fists clench up, my shoulders tightened, my body locks up,
I retract, my body is retre acting. How do I
feel when I'm next to this person? What does it
feel like hugging this person? I started to just notice
how my body felt around different people, and no matter
how much belief work I did, my body was like
(21:12):
absolutely not. It was what I jampa locked up. The
body doesn't lie, and it knows, and it has an
intelligence far superior to your brain. And my body was
just screaming at me that I just didn't feel safe.
And I spoke for years about safe love. I want
safe love or this kind of love. I'd love to
be treated like this, Like I knew what I wanted
and what I was craving because I got to the
(21:34):
point where I'd broken that cycle of like, Okay, we
don't need to be loved in this really toxic, intense way.
I want this other kind of love. And it was
like my inner child and me, I was just craving it,
and unfortunately I was with somebody who just couldn't give it,
who just had When you were speaking about in a
previous episode, when you were speaking about your relationship and
(21:55):
the evolution, it was like, well, who I was when
I went into that relationship was somebody who is extremely
low self worth, weak, like a pushover. I would self gaslight,
I would pretend that I didn't see things that were wrong.
I would not bring anything up. I was people pleaser,
That's who you know he had fallen in love with.
And then all of a sudden, I'd started shifting and
(22:17):
changing and started speaking up and started becoming this new
version that just we just were no longer aligned and
can I ask more about that because they think a
lot of the time, you know, especially women, we will
go on this healing journey and you know, we will
(22:38):
better ourselves, we will find our traumas, will work on ourselves.
And often we do have a partner who doesn't do
the work and they kind of stay the same. But
there can be this sense of guilt of like, well,
I said yes to the marriage, Like I said yes
to this person when they were here, and I've changed,
so is it appropriate to leave them? Like you know,
(23:01):
though I'm not sure if those feelings came up for you,
but even like, could you talk and expand more? And that,
because I feel like a lot of women would hold
so much guilt even if they know this is not
the right relationship. I'm such a different person. I deserve better.
But because it's been a long relationship, they were young,
it would feel so hard to leave. Yeah, it absolutely does,
(23:24):
and it's not something that's ever easy. And that's what
I say. I've worked with plenty of people that are
wanting to leave marriages, that have just left marriages and
things like that, especially when kids get involved. I think
for me, there was definitely a moment of like I've
had a really shitty thirty something years and I'm not
willing to sacrifice another thirty Like life is really precious
(23:47):
to me now, and I actually just can't And that's
just something internally, So obviously that's not going to work
for everybody, but for me, it was just like, oh,
life is really precious and I actually just can't, can't
live this way anymore. But everything that your brain is
telling you is basically it's your subconscious beliefs. It's your
beliefs coming to the surface about what you think other
(24:09):
people are going to think, what you think they're going
to think. Like, all of that is your old programming.
And I think when I moved into like well like
because kids is the biggest one, right, a lot of
women say to me, what about the kids? And I
had that same thing. I'm like, I'm going to ruin them.
I'm going to give them trauma, I'm going to ruin
their childhood. And then I was like, actually, I'm going
to show them that you never stay when you're in
(24:31):
an unhappy relationship. I'm going to model that. I'm going
to show them that. And in regards to the relationship,
I was like, I really gave it my all, I
did really try everything, and I think that's where we
need to be able to draw that line in the
sand and set a date and go, you know what,
I'm going to work on myself. Every time we have
a fight, I'm going to look inward and I'm going
(24:51):
to do XYZB. But if I get to this date
and we're still having the same fights and there's no
change on their behalf, then I need to make that
call essentially. But it's the guilt. I think women are
just programmed with guilt, like we feel guilt. I just
I think everyone's program with guilt. But we definitely have that,
like mum guilt that we were nurturing by nature, and
(25:15):
I think it's just redirecting that nurturing into yourself and
being like, okay, what is this? Because relationships should be
there to serve us. Yeah at the end of the day,
like we pretend like they're not, but they need to
be serving us in a way and serving our partner,
and there needs to be that equal flow. Not always equal,
but there needs to be that flow. And if you're
(25:36):
not getting anything out of the relationship anymore, then it's
kind of like you're wasting your life. You're wasting your
precious time. And for me, it always comes back to time.
It's like how much more time do you want to waste?
And also something I feel like even you could switch it,
you know, if you have children. And something I kind
of brought into my decision making is even asking myself like,
(26:00):
would I want Ivy to be in this type of relationship?
Would I want Ivy to go through this? Would I
want you know, that's my daughter? Sorry, and putting it
like that way, would I want her just to stay
because of somethink I want it, you know, like switching
in ahead and be like, oh my god, no, I
would want like I just want what's best for her.
I want her to be happy, and I would never
(26:21):
want her to think you know, X, Y and Z,
so think even you have kids, like switching it that
way and be like, what would you want for them?
What would you want them to experience? Would you want
them to experience that ultimate safe, incredible, beautiful love or
accept what they're currently accepting? Yeah? Absolutely, And the only
way to do that is to show them, Like I said,
(26:43):
you have to show them because you can say to them,
you deserve this kind of love and you deserve that
kind of love and chase your dreams. But if you're
still doing the same job that you've hated forever, they're
probably going to do that because they watch what you do.
So it's definitely, yeah, I see that so much. Like
even Ivy, you know, get up. I put on my makeup.
She wants to put on makeup. I put on my clothes,
(27:04):
she wants to put on a pretty dress. And I'm like,
oh my gosh, it's not so much what I say
to her. She is watching everything that I do. Yeah,
which is it's a lot to carry, but it honestly
has changed my life with my perspective. Okay, so season
(27:26):
seven of the Rise and Conquer podcast is all about
getting everything you want, and this is something that I've
really been trying to challenge and step into. So I
credit a whole season on it, and I kind of
wanted to talk to you about how do you think
healing trauma and removing our blocks plays into getting everything
(27:47):
we want. I think if you have trauma and you
have those limiting beliefs surrounding that trauma, it's almost impossible.
Like there are those instances where people absolutely fluke. But
I think especially the bigger trauma and those more complex
repetitive traumas and things like that. Like every time you
go to take a step forward, your brain is using
(28:10):
old information running that through the system to see is
this a safe move or is this not a safe move?
And if you have a lot of trauma, it's never
going to feel like a safe move. So moving forward
into what you want requires you to step into a
version of yourself that you probably get. Like so many
people can't even see, can't even visualize, Like one of
the most detrimental things about trauma is that you actually
(28:34):
can't after a period of time, you actually can't visualize
the future. So when you do visualizations and things like that,
and some people might relate to this if they've been
trying to do manifestation visualizations, there's actually a part of
your brain that switches off imagination. There's actually like it's
a survival mechanism. When you've had too much trauma, and
you've had too much trauma, your imagination and your ability
(28:55):
to be able to think long term into the future
will actually be restricted for survival because it's not actually
beneficial for you to do that. It's more you're focus
just on the right now, on the survival, on what's happening,
and so you actually lose that ability. I feel like
for a lot of people that becomes like a really
big obstacle and that comes back. That can come back,
(29:15):
but it has to come back through a period of
processing those traumatic memories and processing the subconscious beliefs that
are stored in the traumatic memories. Because you've got you know,
people who just do the subconscious work right and you
can shift the beliefs. That's like changing the program changing
the programming, but where that programming started is a memory
and is in a moment, and so you've still got
(29:37):
evidence that it's true. So the tiniest little shake or
a little rock in the road of that and that
belief will come back to the surface because you haven't
processed where it was created, the emotional you know, the
emotions that are trapped in that memory. So you actually
need to be processing the memories as well as the
subconscious beliefs so that you can then start to move
(29:58):
into this version of yourself that can actually get everything
that you want. And for some people that would just
feel and for me, I know, it felt so frustrating.
I was like, why can't I manifest? Like why can't I?
Why can't I get that thing? And then there was
just all of these beliefs of like you don't deserve that,
you're nothing. Do you know where you came from? Like
look at who your daddy is, look at what you've
been through. Nobody wants to know that. All of these
(30:20):
host of things would come up and it's like, then, Okay,
where did I learn that? What moment was that created in?
How do I start to shift those subconscious beliefs? Because
your beliefs about who you are and also about how
the world operates is your operating system for manifesting. Like, yes,
you go into your conscious mind, but also like your
(30:44):
subconscious is what's ruling the show. So you can have
these you know, even if you can tap into it
and you can have these beautiful visualizations from dropping in
from your conscious mind, you've got to pull them into
your subconscious to make it happen. And if your subconscious
is like if you've had this beautiful idea of like
this is what I want to manifest, and you're subconscious
is like you're a loser, You're a weirdo, no one
likes you, You're not worthy, you're pathetic. If that's your
(31:06):
belief system, I'm not lovable, I'm not worthy, I'm not enough.
And you try and step into that, that's going to
feel like absolute chaos and you're just going to pull
yourself right back into safety be able to do it. No,
So it's everything, It's the most important, POC. Yeah, well,
let's even take it back a step, because something I
have conversations about like immediate you know, people around me
(31:30):
or even on the podcast is for example, when I
was on your podcast, I was talking about because I
had a very normal, normal childhood. I had very loving parents,
I felt very safe. There was like no nothing, you know,
I could really tell you about memories or incidents or whatnot.
I always was like, I don't have to do in
(31:51):
a child work. I don't have to do that. Like
I had a great childhood. And it wasn't until like
you know, I had a achieved all the things and
I had like ticked off everything, and I still felt
quite numb that it was like hey, and I think
I need to actually look into this. And then I
started doing like inner child work and healing traumas and
(32:12):
they weren't big Tea traumas like what you've spoken about,
but they were still things that like had shaped me,
that were holding me back or were driving the story.
And I think maybe a lot of women who you know,
maybe they haven't gone through the big tea traumas, so
they were like, I don't need to do trauma work.
What's the kind of like science and what's the kind
of things that they could look for that maybe they'll
(32:33):
be listening they'll be like, Ooh, maybe I do need
to do because I think trauma. Like even like when
I spoke to my dad about certain things, He's like, trauma.
You don't have trauma. You had the best childhood I
made sure, Like you know, it's like very stigmatized, yeah
sort of thing. Yeah, Well, because like really to me,
because a lot of people come to me honestly and
they're like, oh, I'm really bad, Like I haven't had
(32:55):
anywhere near the experiences of you, but I feel like
I had a really traumatic childhood. And they they feel
almost guilty about coming to do the work because they
feel like, oh, I don't really have a big problem.
But the reality is, I say to every single person,
a trauma is basically an unprocessed memory you. It's a
memory that is open. So if you think about process
(33:18):
memories that are storting your brain, they're closed off, they're
filed away, right. A traumatic memory is open so every time,
and it's open for survival. So any moment where you
felt like you weren't safe and you created a belief
about who you were or how the world is, that
memory is open because it thinks. Your brain thinks that
it needs to keep that memory open. It's like, I
need to keep this open so that we don't make
(33:39):
that same mistake again. So I'm going to keep it open,
and then I'm just going to remind you that you
no one likes you, or that you need to be
you know, quiet, or you need to be whatever the
characteristics are around what you decided you had to be
in that moment. So, if you think about it in
terms of that, it's an unprocessed memory. So any memories
that you have that come back, that are repetitive or
(34:00):
that you that you constantly think about or constantly come
up in your day to day, that's a trauma. And
so any limiting beliefs you have come from a trauma. Yes,
and so every trigger that you have has a memory
linked to it. Your trigger isn't by accident. Your triggers
are those unprocessed memories. So it's reminding you that they're there.
It's like look at me. It's like look at me
(34:21):
because for survival. But if you've shift that into a
healing mondet, it's like, look at me. I need to
be healed. Look at me. I want to be closed off.
I want to be finalized. I want to be finished.
So in that memory, there's a belief, there's an inner child,
there's unprocessed emotions, and there's a few things that need
to be done for that memory to be able to
be processed and filed away as that wasn't That was
an a pivotal moment that we need to keep going through.
(34:43):
And when you do that, the triggers disappear. So people
think that it's got to be these big things. But
I'm closing off memories and working on traumas all the time.
Around things that happened in the school yard, around a
passing comment from a parent, just a passing comment, and
they were having a bad day probably and said something
that was that they shouldn't have said, and it felt
(35:05):
like a shock to that person, and they didn't know
how to process it. So the other key thing with
trauma is that it's confusion. What causes the memory to
not be able to be processed is that there was
a level of confusion involved. So if you were confused
about your parents' divorce, or you were confused about what
the truth was that in that scenario, or any moments
where you were confused about why is this happening, you're
(35:27):
going to store that. You're going to keep that open
because you haven't also come to some sort of conclusion.
So in a child, work is going back as your
adult self and giving that child resolution and a new
meaning and a new conclusion because they might have decided
that it meant that they're worthless, but really it meant
mum was having a bad day. Yeah, Mum's just being
a bitch today. Yeah. So we go back and we
(35:47):
change those narratives, working with the inner child whilst we're
in the correct brainwave in a hypnotic state, and we
make sure that we process that memory doing like a
number of things. So there's no the method is the
same no matter how big the trauma. And something I
say to all people, it's a little bit more intense
when you're talking this other end of the spectrum of
(36:08):
some of the things that I work with, But the
method is the same and they all need to be
worked on because at the end of the day, the
reason that people are wanting to get into this world
of manifesting and of self healing and self work is
because they're not happy. So the signs are you're not happy,
you're getting triggered all the time, you're thinking negative thoughts
(36:31):
about yourself, Like if you're not loving yourself, if you
don't think that you're the best person to walk this earth,
and you don't think that you're a valuable, important person,
you're constantly getting triggered. You have anxious or avoidant attachment styles.
All of those things are signs that there is something
there that needs to be healed and you cannot look
at it. But you're also not going to grow, because
(36:52):
until you change your subconscious mind, you don't grow. You
just are who you are. You just are who you've
been told you have to be who you truly are.
I actually want to be super vulnerable here and share
a memory from my childhood which actually affected so much
in my life, and like when I went back and
processed it I can see, like how small, but it
(37:14):
literally affected me for like thirty years. And just an example,
because again I don't think people can understand how like
such small things can actually affect them and drive such
be such driving factors in their unconscious behavior. And I
had this, you know, this unconscious behavior in this belief
(37:35):
of like almost don't trust people and you need to
protect you need to protect yourself, like don't trust anyone.
And I was quite closed off child, teenage years, early twenties,
and it was kind of like keep all your cards
close to you, don't be vulnerable. And when I worked
(37:56):
with a practitioner and we kind of got to the
earliest memory. It was around maybe I was like six,
and so funny, I can't believe I'm saying this on it,
but basically it was around my mom thought I had worms,
and so to check if you have worms, she literally
(38:18):
one night like I was obviously you know I told that,
but one night, like I was sleeping, and she came
into my room and she checked my bum with a
torch to check if I had worms. And then the
next morning like I didn't, but she told everyone about
it at the breakfast table, and like don't get me wrong,
(38:39):
my mom has never been unsafe. Like she is a
stay at home mom with four children, the most loving
maternal person you would ever meet, like, would die for me,
would die for Ivy, like drops everything at you know,
like just the best mum ever. Can't fool her. And
this memory from that point when I was six years old,
(39:01):
because like you know, I have three older brothers, they
were obviously like laughing and teasing. I was like, you
cannot be vulnerable and you cannot trust anyone. That's such
small memory, and obviously then you have more memories that
you build evidence on. Was then the reason why I
was so guarded to my husband, so guarded to my
(39:21):
best friends. And it's so like that was like when
I went back there and realized, like that was a
memory again it could have I almost felt guilty. I
was like, really, daughter, like that's what you picked to, like,
you know, not be vulnerable and feel so alone for
so long. But that's that's all it was. And it
was just a small, seemingly insignificant moment, Yeah, but it
(39:44):
meant catapulted so much to the six year old me.
She felt unsafe, She felt you know, like not protected
or exposed, embarrassed or shame, Yeah, shamed, all those sorts
of things. And so I just wanted to share that
example because again I think think people think, oh, I
don't have trauma, but it can take something like that
that will literally drive then a whole story that could
(40:08):
change your whole life. Yeah, and every single thing that
happens to you, whether it's traumatic or not, every single
thing that happens to you in those developmental years is
shaping who you are. So even if you don't necessarily
perceive it as traumatic, it could just be like something
that you've observed in your parents' behavior and it's like, Okay,
well my mum my dad was an alcoholic. He drank
(40:31):
all the time. So that's what a man, like a
boy growing up would be like, that's what a man does.
And it's just this kind of like monkey see, monkey do.
But you're developing who you are based around the people
that are that are taking care of you and the
people that are in your world. So it's not even
just trauma work. It's also just like who, like, who
are you before they told you who you had to be? Who?
(40:53):
Who are you before each of those you know, those
people in your life kind of started to shape you
around who they thought you should be, So it covers
that as well. It really is like an an unbecoming
of everything that you don't that doesn't feel right, that
doesn't fit right, that you got told you had to
be so that you can start to become who you
want to be. Yeah, And for me, like going back
(41:14):
to that specific incidant, it was like all I built
up so much of like you can't trust people, don't
be vulnerable, always protect yourself, like never share more than
you need to, and these things that again you know,
kept me at a distance to like key people. And
so it wasn't until I realized that and I was like,
that's so weird. Why don't I just feel comfortable to
(41:36):
open up? Why don't I just feel And that was
kind of the little piece that I had to continuously find.
I want to kind of switch gears and chat about
like kind of what we're talking about. But like, triggers
can be very overwhelming because they can almost put us
into like a victim mentality of blaming everyone else. And
(41:57):
I would love to know if you kind of have
like a quick little proces of like if you're getting
triggered what you can do with it. And obviously I
know there's a longer process. But you know, if someone's
getting really triggered all the time, Yeah, if someone's getting
really triggered all the time over lots of different things,
it probably is their nervous system to a agree, like
they're just literally stuck in fight a flight and perceive
(42:19):
everything as a threat, which is where those triggers are
coming from. So a little bit of nervous system love
if you're getting triggered all the time. I think one
of the most common misconceptions with triggers is that people
think that like, I guess, when you've had a lot
of trauma, or when you yeah, when you've experienced a
lot of trauma, or even just a few traumas that
have shaped who you are. When you're triggered, your brain,
(42:43):
like the part of your brain, your prefrontal cortex, the
part of your brain that's actually responsible for regulating your emotions,
goes offline. So you literally are like, you're feeling like
you're back in that moment, which is why I come
back to that unprocessed memory. So it's like you actually
aren't responding as thirty five old. Yes, you're responding as
six year old yess who remembers a moment very similar
(43:04):
to this one, and you're responding from that level because
your brain is literally taking you back to that unprocessed memory.
And people who have flashbacks will understand this because they
go actually back there. But a lot of this is
happening a lot of the time with people when they're triggered.
They're actually going back to a moment that's been unprocessed,
and so actually stopping themselves in the moment and being like, well,
(43:25):
I'm triggered right now, I'm going to pull it in.
I'm going to do XYZ. That doesn't work because you're
triggered because your brain isn't operating the way it should
be operating. So for me, it's about it's about the downtime.
It's about like noticing that you have been triggered. Is
it first step full stop awareness? Noticing you've been triggered,
write it down. And then once you notice that you've
(43:47):
been triggered, it's like removing yourself and going, Okay, I've
been triggered. Everything that my brain is telling me right
now is going to be is going to be false.
It's going to be skewed because you think that it's
one hundred percent absolutely truth. So I get a piece
of paper. I get my clients to get a piece
of paper and put a line down the middle and
write down what feels true right now, what's being activated,
(44:08):
what's the truth right now? And then on the other
side of the piece of paper, once they've calmed themselves
down a little bit, to really force themselves to go
what else could be true? What else could be true
right now? And to help them to come up with
that new narrative. Now, you need to be able to
be in a state to do this, and a lot
of people they're trigger just takes them away. It takes
them away. They're in a rage, their mind grows a
(44:30):
million hours. They're just like, I can't do this, I'm done.
If it's a breakup, if it's a relationship fight, you're
the problem. You do this, you do that, and it's
all projection. And there is a time when we need
to come back and take responsibility for that. But we
have to first realize that we've been triggered. So getting
really comfortable with like, what are the signs of me
being triggered? And I know for me, a sign that
(44:52):
I'm triggered, is dismissed being dismissive if I'm like whatever,
If I'm just like whatever, just don't worry about it,
I'm like, oh, something's triggered me because I'm being so
closed off right now. So getting to know what's your
go to when you're triggered? Is it? Is it anger?
Is it sadness? Is it withdrawal? Is it putting the
walls up? What does it look like so that you
(45:12):
can start to notice when you've been triggered? And I
promise that the more that you do this, the quicker
you get to being able to notice it. It's like
a muscle. So it's like I used to it used
to take me a week to realize that I was
triggered a week earlier, and then it took like literally,
it would take me that long to realize what triggered me,
and I'd be like, what is wrong with me? And
then I'd be like, ah, you said this thing on Tuesday,
(45:34):
and I would go it would take me a long
time to realize, and then it was like, Okay, actually,
now I can notice it within a day, and then
it's like within an hour, within minutes, and you get
quicker and quicker at noticing that you've been triggered, and
noticing those bodily cues, whether it's physical tension, whether you're
feeling physically unwell, whether your heart starts to race, whether
it's anxiety, or whether it's those more patterns. I think
(45:57):
patterns in relationships are easier to pick. A romantic relationship
or your relationship with your parents is always going to
be your biggest like how you're going to show you
all of your triggers. So focusing on how you show
up in those relationships, what your patterns are there, and
looking at what else could be true and doing that
exercise is probably the number one thing. And also just
(46:18):
being so kind to yourself, because the reality is when
you're triggered, you have no control of what your brain
is doing. It's switching off and it's taking over to
protect you. It thinks it's doing the right thing. And
so just being kind to yourself and being like, this
is a result of what's happened. It's not who I
truly am. It's a result of what's happened to me
in the past. Once I move away, I can go
(46:40):
and look at that and go yep, okay, it's my
responsibility to fix it. No one else is coming to
save me. But also having that compassion for like right
now in the moment, I acted the way I acted
because I didn't see any other opportunity in any other
way because my brain wasn't processing correctly. Wow, that's so
help me. Just really absorbing, like you're like having so
many moments. No, I really appreciate that. I think that's
(47:04):
going to be so helpful. And something you said kind
of at the start is like if you are triggered
all the time, like what you would say to that
person is like nervous system regulation is going to be
their best friend. Like what some quick sort of exercises
that you go to regulate your nervous system if you
do notice that you're overactivated, you're triggered, just to get
your brain down to like okay, I can actually see
(47:25):
this differently. Yeah, So there's like a kind of derived
from EMDR. There's like an eye movement technique that I teach.
I've done it a few, like shoe toils on social media,
like an ie movement one. It's probably I don't have
time to show to teach it through today, but I'll
we can leave it on the show figure out. Yeah.
But yeah, there's definitely an eye movement technique that instantly
(47:47):
recalibrates your nervous system. And the other thing as well
is going slow. So there's all these different nervous system hacks,
and there's a lot of them that are bad. So
for instance, like ice baths and things like that are
actually terrible for some with a dysregular nervous SYSM. They're
only good if you've got a good nervous system already,
absolutely not getting there's so many, No, there's so many
(48:07):
bad ones. But I think going slow because your nervous system,
when it thinks there's a threat, it's going to speed
up and you're gonna do everything you can. Be brushing
you to eat like this, and you walk down the street,
let this youn be rushing. To slow down is going
to be the most soothing thing for your nervous system
to not rush, which is going to be really difficult
for some people. But definitely that eye movement. I use
(48:28):
that with my clients all the time and it just
fully resets you. The thing as well with your nervous
system is that it does take a little while to recover,
but once it's recovered like it's strong, and it will
get stronger. So it's that thing of you know, you've
got this window of tolerance and up here you've got
fight or flight, and down here you've got association, and
then you've got this beautiful window in the middle where
(48:49):
if you're hualsy, you'll spend your day in this window
of tolerance in regulation and you'll be able to handle
the stresses of everyday life and staying within that window.
After periods of long term stress, that window becomes really small,
and essentially what happens is you wake up in the
morning and you're already triggered, you're already in fight to flight.
You can only survive there for so long before your
nervous system has to switch the flick, click the switchitch
(49:13):
and shut you down and put you into dissociation so
that you can just check out. And then you'll be
flogging and you'll be dreamy and you won't know what's
going on. Then you'll need to you'll eventually come back
up into your window, and if it's still this little
tiny window, because your nervous system is weak, your vagus
nerve is weak, you'll just go straight back into fight
to flight and the cycle continues again. With this eye
movement technique and with going slow and retraining it, you're
(49:35):
actually building out that window and making your nervous system
stronger so that when a stress does happen, you can
handle it without going into fight to flight. That's incredible.
Thank you so much for sharing that last question that
I want to ask, because I know we're running out
of time and it's just been incredible chatting to you
is again, I feel like a lot of you know,
(49:57):
people women when they have had trauma, and they're so
used to living in a state of constantly being triggered,
constantly in dissociation, constantly, you know, not able to process
things or work through it feels like they're normal, like
they kind of they don't know what else it feels like.
And I would love for you to chat about, like
(50:19):
what does it truly mean to thrive in life from
a healed and whole place? Like what's that feeling? Yeah,
to me, it's always embodied. To me, it's always it's
a liveness, this feeling of like I'm alive, because trauma
steals that from you as well, Like you don't feel
alive no matter what you do, so I think this
(50:40):
feeling of a liveness, like, but it's calm, a liveness,
because you can have chaotic liveness through like I'm going
here and doing this and all these amazing things are happening.
That's right orf flight, and so you're absolutely right, Like
you get used to living in fight or flight, but
when you feel calm, it feels like something's coming for
you and something really bad is going to happen because
(51:00):
you're not used to it. You're so used to fight
orf flight, and so it's bit by bit. It really
is bit by bit rebuilding that nervous system, processing those
memories and getting used to this new normal of calm.
But for me, it's definitely it's a liveness. It's feeling calm,
and it's love because one of the biggest things we
all want love, like that at the bottom of everything.
(51:24):
If everything got stripped away from you, but you still
had love, you would be fine. Like what we're fearing
if we bring back everything. In our conversation, we're afraid
of getting too big because we're afraid of people not
loving us. We're afraid of speaking up because we don't
want people to stop loving us. We're afraid of conflict
in relationship because we don't want them to stop loving us.
We just want love. We want to love and be loved,
(51:46):
and it really is that simple. So for me, healed
is like I love everybody that I meet, and I
feel like people love me and I have these beautiful connections.
And for me, that's how you know that you're healing,
because you feel like your heart is open and you
feel like you're actually making these deeper connections. You actually
feel that love like coming back and forth. And that's
(52:08):
one of the things that if you don't feel loved,
you know that you've got more healing work to do,
because I feel like that is our true nature once
we go through all of those layers. So yeah, definitely
a liveness, love, and a sense of come because I
watch people who have all of the things materialistically and
I watch them and they look like they are in
absolute chaos and on the brink of burnout, and I'm like, oh,
(52:31):
that's not happy, that's not a happy life. That's not
what I want. Yeah, that's not what my nervous system
wants or Yeah, So I think that to me is
like that epitome of like healed and centered and actually
enjoying life. That's so beautiful. Thank you so much for
saying that. Thank you so much for coming on the
podcast and being so vulnerable and sharing so much. Honestly,
(52:54):
like without people like you being so open and having
to go through so much and making their mess their message,
like you truly are healing this whole world. So thank
you so much for coming on the show. And of
course I will link you our link everything that. If
anyone's listening to this and they want to move forward
(53:14):
and they're healing journey, they want to work through trauma,
make sure you do it. Guys, literally the best thing
I ever did. You will never regret it. You will
like if you want that feeling that Chess is just having,
Like that's the feeling, it is the feeling. Thank you
so much for having me. Thank you so much for
listening to this episode of the Rise and Conquer podcast.
If you enjoyed it and want more, connect with us
(53:37):
via Instagram or continue the conversation on our beautiful Facebook
community page. All the details are in the show notes,
and I'd love to hear more about your journey. Also,
we're an independent podcast with a small but mighty team,
so we really do appreciate your support. If you have
a spare moment, please click the follow or subscribe button
(53:58):
to the podcast, and if you leave a review, you'll
help other people find our content and we would be
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