March 15, 2024 • 33 mins
- Will & Woody's Tallest Tales
- A story about a worm
- Claire Hooper
- A bloody engagment
- The Chinese delivery driver
- Merrick Watts
- A dog hand job
- Tom Jones needs the bathroom
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey you not for that? Everyone?
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Bye very Will and what in line from the Adelaide Fringe,
The Wonderland's Eagle ten from Tallest Towns Competition.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
We are here on thanks to seek the.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Sufter known and we are very excited to introduce you
some stories.
Speaker 3 (00:22):
Will and Woody present the Squreliest Tallest Tale.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Explore Australia's biggest arts festival, Adelaide Fringe, from sixteen to
March seventeen.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
Tickets at Adelaide Fringe dot com dot ain't you four
finalists wards.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
We've got the story about the dock getting serviced.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
We've got the story about the Chinese delivery driver.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
We have got the story about the ring on the
on the on the wang, the human hookie, and we
have got the story about Tom Jones taking a poo
in the outbank.
Speaker 4 (00:56):
Who's excited about those stories?
Speaker 1 (01:00):
Tom Jones is actually here in a few weeks. Did
you know that?
Speaker 4 (01:03):
I didn't know Tom Jones is going to be here.
He's back just to take a poop, just for one time.
Loves going to the toilet.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Here a quick reminder too, people, I know you guys
are very excited for please give a rind of applause,
a huge geer adelaide four.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Our two guests, Claire, who.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Is going to be telling your story tonight, and Merrik
Watts is also going.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
To be down here.
Speaker 5 (01:26):
The kind of story you're going to hear A something
like this got.
Speaker 6 (01:30):
Into this gentleman's room.
Speaker 7 (01:32):
I've asked you consent.
Speaker 8 (01:33):
Look, is it okay?
Speaker 9 (01:33):
I've just been asked to do some.
Speaker 10 (01:35):
Observations, pulled his blankets down, pulled his jocks down.
Speaker 11 (01:39):
The nurse who I've been shadowing, goes.
Speaker 7 (01:41):
There's no such thing as what you've just done.
Speaker 12 (01:43):
You've just fondled an old man half a million dollars
outside is that gate?
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Wow?
Speaker 13 (01:49):
As you do?
Speaker 7 (01:50):
You picked it up, started walking side ten big cloaths
had jumped on him.
Speaker 5 (01:57):
And the police officers.
Speaker 3 (01:58):
It was a sting wow, playing hit a really really
strong gust of turbulence.
Speaker 1 (02:03):
My grabs.
Speaker 3 (02:04):
Another passenger said, to play right off.
Speaker 9 (02:09):
My dog's painting had a problem with his willie, So
I gave him that a call. She gave him and she.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Was like, cool, it's all.
Speaker 4 (02:18):
Sorted you you've got you tell us that.
Speaker 5 (02:25):
Before we crack into the stories that have been organized.
There is a woman here who claims to have an
amazing story about worms.
Speaker 4 (02:32):
Yeah, I just think it's a great warm up. Who
wants to hear the worm story? They've spoken, We're doing it. Okay,
Now let's keep this short and sharp.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
That keep in mind that Claire Hooper's up next, and
you know, like she's actually you know.
Speaker 4 (02:47):
Yeah, well, just a quick worm story, all right. Well, yeah,
it's not the warm up act.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
I'll cut it off whenever I choose.
Speaker 14 (02:53):
All right. So I was playing minie pool table with
my cousins and it was not my turn, so I
passed the pool cute in the next peasant when to
go sit on the end of the bed, missed the
bed completely, sat on a baby doll cot like a
four post in one, went right up my backside, and
I was winded for like about six and a half hours.
Speaker 6 (03:10):
I was like.
Speaker 14 (03:11):
The moment finally decided to take me to the hospital.
When I got to the hospital, the doctor said, now,
bend over, darling.
Speaker 15 (03:17):
So I did.
Speaker 14 (03:17):
I bend over, and then he grabbed my backside, opened
it up, and then he grabbed his shiny torch and
he just flashed it up my backside and he goes, well,
I can tell you something love She's definitely got worms.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
A story.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
We have the pleasure of joining us here at the
Spiegels this afternoon.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
Adelaide, please give it up for Clare.
Speaker 6 (03:50):
Just hear him win the ten grand guys.
Speaker 10 (03:53):
I've got a great story about a worm. Now, I've
got a story about Christmas in New Zealand. My husband's room,
New Zealand, and we went over there with the two kids.
And what you need to know before I tell you
this story is that Number one, I don't like my
(04:14):
husband in anything except a black T shirt and jeans.
You know, some people like roleplay and I'm like, good
for you, but I'm not interested.
Speaker 4 (04:19):
No, thank you.
Speaker 10 (04:19):
If I like, honestly, even in the nude, I'm like,
put your T shirt and jeans back on your pervert.
You know, like if I wanted to kiss somebody wearing
a policeman's uniform carrying a plastic gun, I would have
married a kindergartener. Okay, so T shirt and jeans, thank
you anyway.
Speaker 6 (04:35):
So the other thing you.
Speaker 10 (04:37):
Need to know is that when it comes to parenting,
I'm a bit of a hero. Okay. So it's our
last day in New Zealand and my husband's cousin decides
to go out collecting flounder and muscles and power and
like this big seafood feast, and so he needs someone
to double the quota. So he makes my husband come out,
sit in the tinny, don't touch anything, just double the quota,
(04:58):
and he loans him a wetsuit.
Speaker 6 (05:02):
Like yuck.
Speaker 10 (05:03):
Right, I didn't have to see it until the very end.
We went and joined them on the beach when they
were wrapping up, and we drive up with my two
kids in the back, and my little kid sees my
husband in a wet suit and she goes, Daddy looks different,
and I was like, yeah, I know. I didn't know
wetsuits could be skimpy.
Speaker 6 (05:22):
Right.
Speaker 10 (05:22):
It was like full legs but kind of a single
at top like underwater. Later hosen like I could see
side boob. No, cover it up, Please put.
Speaker 6 (05:30):
A T shirt on.
Speaker 10 (05:31):
Daddy looks different, yes, babe, because some things you can
put on your body make you look more nude than nude.
And can't quite put my finger on what's wrong. And
I'm certainly never going to again anyway. So we're at
the beach and my daughters usually love the beach, but
my oldest one has seen a beached stingray and the
tide's coming in, but every wave just lifts this sting
(05:53):
ray further up the beach, and its sides are flapping
and its stingers thrashing, and it's blowholes gasping, and my
daughter's so distressed by it. And I'm like, babe, if
you can't fix it, just look away.
Speaker 6 (06:03):
That's what grown ups do, right.
Speaker 10 (06:06):
But she won't stop looking at it, and she's moaning
and crying, and so I put my arm around her.
And because I'm a hero, sometimes heroes teach you when
to go up, give up. And I was like, babe,
there's nothing we can do. Every Day in nature, things
are born and things die. Because I'm a hero, and
she's calming down. And then I see my husband and
his cousin in their horrible skimpy wetsuits running towards us.
(06:28):
They've got and all in each hand that they fished
out the back of the tinney that's on land now,
and they're running towards us with oars, and I'm like,
this better not be or putting it out of its
misery situation, mate, because I've just calmed things down, Like
what do they think they're going to do with two oars.
It is the size of a giant Bunning's umbrella. Like,
what are they going to do? Flip it like a
pancake back into the what? Tap it on the butt
gently until it giggles its way back into the surf. No,
(06:50):
thank you, there's nothing you can do here. Anyway. My cousin,
I'm his cousin and my husband they stood next to
the stingray with their oars, and every time a wave came,
they just gently lifted it two inches closer to the ocean.
It was the slowest. Everybody on the beach was watching,
and eventually a wave caught it and the stingray shot
into the ocean, and my daughter ran into his arms
(07:13):
and I got a bit of salt water in my eye,
but don't worry. I wasn't tears or anything. And my
husband told me what his cousin said to him as
they leaned over into the tinney to get the tours
from where they were stored next to the spearfishing gun
and the seven tons of dead seafood. He just said,
you're going to look like a hero in your daughter's eyes, and.
Speaker 4 (07:35):
So beautiful.
Speaker 10 (07:36):
Anyway, we flew home and the next day I caught
my husband googling on his phone is it okay to
piss in someone else's wetsuit?
Speaker 11 (07:44):
So now he's a hero.
Speaker 6 (07:46):
In my eyes too.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
Thank you so nice.
Speaker 4 (07:55):
But it's time to hear that first story. And I
believe the first story teller. Get up your mal makes
a noisemeu.
Speaker 7 (08:06):
Take it away, mal adelaide, How are you thanks for
having me today? So for anybody, their most magical day
is their engagement.
Speaker 6 (08:19):
Am I right?
Speaker 7 (08:21):
My partner of two years took me into the Star
City Casino in Sydney, great evening to begin checked in.
Everything's great. I don't know what I was expecting, certainly
not what I got. And he's in the bedroom. I've
come out of the bathroom, my partner standing in the
beautiful water view Darling Harbor Star City Casino and he
(08:45):
turns around and he drops his pants. Now this is
not where this is not That wasn't the issue. What
I noticed first was a pool of blood on his crutch.
To further investigate, I'm looking beyond the blood and I
see an engagement ring attached by a ribbon. Yes, he's panicking.
(09:11):
I'm panicking. We're all panicking here there's blood. Of course,
I call front desk. We need help, We need an emergency.
There's blood everywhere. Send help. The next thing, we've got
the front desk, we've got the manager, we've got the cleaner,
and we have an ambulance. And my partner had at
(09:33):
the time ripped He's pulled his pants down and he's
ripped the edge of his.
Speaker 6 (09:39):
Foreskin on the ribbon.
Speaker 7 (09:41):
We end up in an ambulance ride to raw Nor
Show Hospital.
Speaker 12 (09:46):
The nurse comes in, she goes, it's.
Speaker 6 (09:47):
Bad, It's really bad.
Speaker 7 (09:49):
He's going to need an emergency circumcision. I'm thinking, oh
my gosh, do you want to see the ring? I said, no,
I don't want to see the ring. Put it in
a doggie bag. The next thing, the relationship ended there
because me thinking future, get your engagement ring Instagram, Oh engage.
How did he propose to you? Well, you know you
(10:12):
don't want to hear that, dad, darling, how did he
propose to you? Fast forward a few years we have
some kids. Mummy, how did dad propose to you? Well, darling,
he's certainly sacrificed. He sacrificed his foreskin during it. My son,
why does daddy look different to me. Well, you know,
daddy lost it during our engagement. That's the that's my
(10:35):
story pretty much that our relationship ended there. Hell yeah,
and I never seen the ring, but he certainly took
a cut of the ring to the next level.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Night work. Well, wonderful story.
Speaker 5 (10:55):
He's now hearing this story all around Australia just.
Speaker 4 (10:59):
Gets worse than poor guy. All right, I big come
out of that guy. That's right, all right, let's get
Zack up here everyone.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
He's got sorry tone for all of you guys.
Speaker 4 (11:14):
Thank you.
Speaker 15 (11:14):
Hello.
Speaker 13 (11:15):
My name is Zach and I had definitely have a
tatau for you guys, many many years ago. My first
ever job as an eighteen year old was a delivery
driver for a Chinese restaurant. Now, this is a day
of flip phones. There wasn't uber eats. This is when
you call the restaurant, someone who worked there actually came
to your door. So some of you who are a
bit observant may think I don't fit the stereotypical expectation
(11:38):
of what a Chinese delivery driver would look like. So
always led to a big surprise. When I go to
someone's door, I knock on the door. They open the door,
they give me the one eyebrow. It's a bit of
a strange look, and I almost say something along the
lines of there's Chinese people actually making the food, right,
And I.
Speaker 15 (11:57):
Always reassure them, Yep, they make the food.
Speaker 4 (12:00):
I just drop it off.
Speaker 13 (12:01):
So the running joke became no one ever expected me
to be the Chinese delivery driver. So one day I
had to make a delivery to a hospital and I
got the instructions delivered to this hospital in ward E.
Not a big deal. I go to businesses all the time.
I go to the hospital. When I get to ward E,
I see.
Speaker 15 (12:19):
Two big doors, two very secure doors. It's a button
on his side. I hit the button. Doors open. I
walk inside to look for the guy who ordered the food.
Speaker 13 (12:28):
As I'm in the hospital, I'm looking around and some
of the people seemed a little odd, but I'm in
a hospital.
Speaker 15 (12:34):
I'm not gonna judge what's going on here.
Speaker 13 (12:36):
I find the guy, give him this food, and I
go to walk out the same exit, the same big
double doors that I came in from.
Speaker 15 (12:43):
I press the button on the side of the door.
Speaker 13 (12:46):
Nothing happens. I see a nurse's walking by and I say, oh,
excuse me, how do I get out of here? And
she so politely turns to me, puts her hand on
my shoulder and says, oh, sweetie, you don't and she
walks away. It is at this point the penny has dropped.
(13:07):
I am in a mental wards. In my panic, I
try to convince her, no, no, wait, you don't understand.
Speaker 15 (13:14):
I'm the Chinese delivery driver.
Speaker 13 (13:23):
She turns around, gives me that eyebrow of suspicion I've
been receiving this whole time, and she doesn't even say word.
She continues walking away, surely thinking I'm in the right
place now.
Speaker 15 (13:34):
The question is, in.
Speaker 13 (13:36):
A mental ward, how do you convince someone you're not crazy.
Sure you've got blonde hair, blue wise, white skin, but
you've got to convince him you're the Chinese delivery driver.
If you've think about what to do, and you said, beg,
that's exactly what I did. I ran to her. I said, please, please,
I'm not supposed to be here. Can you please go
check with someone?
Speaker 15 (13:55):
And she says, look, fine, I'll go check.
Speaker 13 (13:59):
And she walks up and leaves me there for fifteen
or twenty minutes or something. So I'm sitting there, and
you start questioning yourself. Am I actually a Chinese delivery driver?
How to actually get out of here?
Speaker 15 (14:11):
What am I going to do? I've got no smartphone,
I've got no newspaper. You're how crazy you look?
Speaker 13 (14:16):
And you've got nothing to do. You're sitting there staring.
Can't stare that will look crazy. Can't look around, that
will look crazy. Anyway, Fifteen two minutes later, she comes out.
She says, oh my god, I am so sorry, and
she dings her card, Lets me out, And that's how
I escaped the mental ward sack.
Speaker 7 (14:35):
What a s.
Speaker 4 (14:39):
It's actually like shutter Island. I actually, truly, I don't
know if you're supposed to be there or not. That
was amazing that you really left us on a cliffhanger.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Sax on vacation for the war tonight, guys, So actually
you get around here before I has to go back.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
What a great dude, What a great story.
Speaker 5 (14:57):
Before we get the next two stories out that are
vying for that ten thousand dollars, let's get our bloody
pro at here. I don't know what we actually can
call this guy pro, but jeez's funny. He's great at
stand up he's got some great stories. His name is
Mark Watts. Made some noise, Oh, Las German.
Speaker 3 (15:15):
Absolute pleasure to be here in this Beegel ten and
to be with such great an esteemed company. I'm going
to tell you a tall tale, but a true one.
It is the story and this will Shockgip of when
I was expelled from school. See a few people and
already not believing this story.
Speaker 15 (15:32):
But it is true.
Speaker 3 (15:34):
I was in my second year of year eleven.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
That's right, Las of Rice is there.
Speaker 3 (15:39):
I was so good at the first year. They said
would you like to do another? And I was like,
why not, I'm already here. And I said, will you
nailed the first one? Have another?
Speaker 2 (15:49):
Guy?
Speaker 1 (15:49):
So I did so. In my second year.
Speaker 3 (15:51):
Of year eleven, I went to my classroom and it
was in the two story block of an English wing.
And I walked in there and all my classmates with it.
But the no teacher right, which of course means do
whatever you like. And I thought, oh, maybe an emergency
teacher will come. No nobody came for us and we
were left alone. I went well, obviously, when there's no
(16:12):
teacher and no emergency teacher who takes care of the
class Merrick does. So I said, are we ready to learn?
And everyone went yes. And this is the time of
blackboards and chalk, and it was so good drawing phallic
symbolism up on the board, taking a six head class
that no one asked for. And whilst I was there
mocking around, I thought, hang on a second, there is
no teacher coming for us at all. This is it,
(16:34):
Like they're really not coming. So I started to get
a little bit bored to my own very entertaining antics,
and I looked out below the window there. I went
over and looked down and there was a big group
of parents on parent orientation day and they're checking out
the school.
Speaker 15 (16:48):
Yes, yes, it's going there.
Speaker 1 (16:52):
But wait, there's more.
Speaker 3 (16:55):
So there's a big group of parents on parent orientation
day and they're having a look at school, trying to
sign whether or not they want to send their kids
to my school the next year. And with them was
the principal of my school, the year level coordinator, and
the discipline coordinator, or Helen as I knew her because
(17:15):
we were mates by that stage. And I was like,
this is probably not a very good time to be
an idiot. And then a voice in my mind said
but Mary, you are so good at it, and I
was like, I think you're right.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
I should listen to you.
Speaker 3 (17:29):
More so, looking down at what would be the certain
death of my scholastic career, I decided that with no
teacher in the room, I would climb out of the
window two stories high, climb out and wrap one arm
around the window ledge. So I was just dangling from
the window ledge all alone, two stories high, and as
(17:53):
the parents came past, I yelled out, no, missus Norton,
you can't make me jump.
Speaker 1 (18:12):
All I want to do is learn.
Speaker 3 (18:17):
An absolute pleasure, say the good talk that I'm gonna
take the teen grand and go bye, cheap car.
Speaker 4 (18:24):
Thank you very much, all the best.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
Now are you ready for the next story. I think
we are.
Speaker 4 (18:31):
Let's get her up here entirely. Everybody may go.
Speaker 9 (18:33):
Feel welcome, Gods, good evening, Adelaide. Thank you for having me.
Not that anyone asked me to be here, but I'm
here none the lefts. My name is Haley, and I'm
here this evening to tell you a story about my dog, Paddington,
who has a very dodgy Willie. For those of you
(18:56):
that are lucky enough to have a male dog, you'll
know that when they're wei, willy comes out and when
they're finished, it goes back in, or at least it should.
Paddington's willy came out and a week later it hadn't
gone back in. So I gave his verta call and
she was like, that's an emergency, like you need to
get him in now because he might lose circulation or
(19:17):
it might fall off.
Speaker 6 (19:17):
And it's a disaster.
Speaker 9 (19:19):
So I left work, I grabbed Paddington and I rushed
him straight into the vet.
Speaker 11 (19:23):
And I'm not sure what you.
Speaker 12 (19:25):
Think the treatment is for that, but it's a hand job.
Speaker 11 (19:32):
A one hundred and eighty five dollars hand job.
Speaker 6 (19:38):
So she did her thing.
Speaker 11 (19:39):
She sent us on our merry way, and she said
that's it. He's sorted. You won't have to see me again.
Lo and behold.
Speaker 9 (19:48):
Or he went out the following morning for him to
do his business. It came out and it didn't go
back in. So now I'm in a panic. Rushed him
back in. She did our thing again, slapped me with
another bill and told me that was it.
Speaker 6 (20:04):
Off you go.
Speaker 11 (20:05):
I said, I think we need to look at all
more like long term plan here.
Speaker 9 (20:13):
She said that there was an operation that could be done,
said great, when can it be done in a month?
Speaker 11 (20:20):
So well, what do you want.
Speaker 15 (20:21):
Me to do between now and then?
Speaker 9 (20:22):
Because I can't give him a happy ending at that
price every day?
Speaker 1 (20:27):
She said, I had.
Speaker 9 (20:28):
One of two options. Option one, bring him in, pay them,
they'll sort them out.
Speaker 11 (20:35):
Or option two do it yourself.
Speaker 9 (20:40):
It was at that point that she gave me instructions
on how to give a dog a hand job and
sent me away to make my decision. I needed to
pop in to grab some stuff for dinner, and out
of the corner my eye and it was the lube.
Speaker 11 (20:54):
I clicked in my head.
Speaker 15 (20:55):
Oh that's what she used.
Speaker 9 (20:58):
Well, let's just say padding to and had his operation
a month later and he didn't see the vat in between.
Speaker 6 (21:06):
Thank you very much, good night, don't work daily?
Speaker 4 (21:19):
Well me, that's a very happy dog, very very happy dog.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
We've got one story to go.
Speaker 2 (21:24):
We're gonna wrap them all up very very shortly, so
you can hear the summary of all the wonderful stories
I've had so Farwards, big thanks to Claire who beat
and Merrick what's we have been up here on the stage.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
With us this afternoon.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
But we've got one story to go and then we
can all get down to voting and giving away the
ten thousand dollars.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
So please put your hands together and von our final. Sorry,
it's all up here in the spage or ten.
Speaker 8 (21:47):
Okay. Before I start, I'm gonna just let you know
the emergency exits are over here and over here.
Speaker 1 (21:52):
Okay.
Speaker 8 (21:52):
I'm going to take you back to the late nineteen
nineties when Melbourne used to.
Speaker 15 (21:58):
Host the Loogies.
Speaker 8 (22:00):
We had Tom Jones coming over to present at the Logies.
I was a private flight attendant at the time on
a lee a Jed and we were tasked to bring
Tom from Melbourne to Perth through the night after the
Logis because he had this special thing that he had
to be out.
Speaker 15 (22:17):
Now, we had.
Speaker 8 (22:18):
Pre briefed everybody that Aliah thirty five is not a
long range aircraft. We have to stop halfway to refuel.
That was fine, so on board I got serenaded by
Tom Jones, so.
Speaker 15 (22:30):
He saying to me.
Speaker 8 (22:32):
When we landed, he came up to me and he said, look,
I have to go to the bathroom. And I said, well, look,
mister Jones, like the whole flight, I was very professional,
I said, mister Jones. The bathroom on this aircraft is
my flight attendant seat. What happens is you pop up
my little siege. There's a toilet bowl there, and I
(22:53):
cover you with the curtain while you do what you
need to do. Tom looked at me and went, ah, yen, nah,
don't think that it's gonna happen. But you still need
to go to the bathroom, don't you, mister Jones? And
he said yes, I really really really need to go
to the bathroom. So I went down to the refueler
and I said, look, mister Jones really needs to go
to the bathroom. He is not going to use my
(23:13):
flight attendancyat as I have offered him refuel and then said,
well you do have option to see that little shed
all the way over there and we're looking in the dark. Yes,
all the way over there that is the public toilet.
And Tom Jones and I look at each other and went,
you've got to be kidding me. The refueler gives me
(23:34):
remember the old dolphin lamb torches, Yeah, the big dolphin lambs.
So I'm holding this dolphin lamb and I've now got
to escort Tom Jones across this field to this way
over there shed because that's the bathroom. Now we get there.
Now this story just gets even worse because we get there,
the lights don't work. So mister Jones, who really needs
(23:56):
to go to the bathroom, he said, well, look I've
got to go. And I said, my only option is
is if you walk in there, I turn around and
I hold the torch, so you do what you need
to do. And I promise I won't look. I promise,
cross my heart, hope to die. So he starts off
at the urine or now I'm thinking that, wow, most
(24:16):
women like to throw their underwear at mister Jons on stage.
And here I am standing here and I have him
all to myself and I could hear him moving around.
Then he comes out and we walk back to the aircraft.
We get on board, and he just looks stressed. And
I said, look, mister Jones, like, what's wrong. We went
(24:37):
to the bathroom and I promise I didn't look. And
I'm getting a bit of a hot flush just remembering it.
Then he said, look, I really just wanted to do
a number two, but I got stage fright, and I'm thinking,
mister gant Tom Jones, who can stand in front of
an audience and sing or night he got stage fright
(25:00):
in front of me because he didn't want to do
a number two.
Speaker 4 (25:05):
Oh my god, amazing work.
Speaker 15 (25:10):
So thanks so much mate, loving have you here.
Speaker 5 (25:14):
He's back in Australia soon, so you can help him
to a pool when he's back.
Speaker 6 (25:17):
Maybe you really soon.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
He's back here really soon. Shout out to everybody to
come down tonight.
Speaker 4 (25:22):
Thank you so much. Has been an absolute world to man.
Speaker 16 (25:24):
Would's so nice to see some of you guys down
here tonight to meet some of you guys down here
and sighting to hear four amazing stories from four people
who put their hands up, told the stories, got through
the whole nomination process, and then one of them is
going to win ten Grand Struth or Mighty.
Speaker 4 (25:38):
If you have miss stories, oh sorry you were going
to I thought you threw it in me. You looked
at me with those throw eyes of yours.
Speaker 5 (25:44):
Anyway, miss Reddit, maybe you're undressing me with those eyes.
We are staying in the same hotel room tonight in Adelaide.
Speaker 4 (25:50):
We might shake it up anyway.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
Anyway.
Speaker 4 (25:54):
If you've missed any of the stories here.
Speaker 8 (25:56):
They are I was a private flight attendant. We had
Tom Jones coming over to present at the logis we
have to stop halfway to refuel. Said, look, I have
to go to the bathroom. The bathroom is my flight
attendant seat. Pop up my little seat and I cover
you with a curtain while you do what you need
(26:18):
to do. You do have option to see that little
shed all the way over there. That is the public toilet.
The lights don't work, so mister Jones, you walk in there.
I turn around and I hold the torch. We walk
back to the aircraft and he just looks stressed. He said, look,
I really just wanted to do a number two, but
(26:40):
I got stage fright. Tom Jones, who can stand in
front of an audience and sing or not, he got
stage fright in front of me because he didn't want
to do a number two.
Speaker 9 (26:54):
For anybody.
Speaker 7 (26:56):
Their most magical day is their engagement, my partner said
in the beautiful water view, and he turns around and
he drops his pants. What I noticed first was a
pool of blood on his crutch. To further investigation, I'm
looking an engagement ring attached by a ribbon. He's panicking.
(27:19):
We're all panicking here.
Speaker 11 (27:21):
There's blood.
Speaker 7 (27:22):
The next thing we've got.
Speaker 11 (27:23):
The front desk.
Speaker 7 (27:24):
We've got the manager, we've got the cleaner, and we
have an ambulance. My partner had at the time ripped
the edge of his foreskin on the ribbon.
Speaker 12 (27:36):
The nurse comes in.
Speaker 6 (27:37):
She goes, it's bad.
Speaker 7 (27:38):
It's really bad. He's going to need an emergency circumcision.
I'm thinking, oh my gosh, do you want to see
the ring? I said, no, I don't want to see
the ring. Put it in a doggie bag. I never
seen the ring, but he certainly took a cut of
the ring to the next level.
Speaker 13 (27:56):
My first ever job as an eighteen year old was
a delivery driver for a China restaurants. Some of you,
who are a bit observant may think I don't fit
the stereotypical expectation of what a Chinese delivery driver would
look like. So the running joke became, no one ever
expected me to be the Chinese delivery driver. So one
day I had to make a delivery to a hospital.
Speaker 15 (28:15):
When I get to ward e, I see two big doors.
Speaker 13 (28:19):
Give them this food, and I go to walk out
the same exit the same big double doors. Nothing happens.
I see a nurse's walking by. Excuse me, how do
I get out of here? And she so politely turns
to me, puts her hand on my shoulder and says, oh, sweetie,
you don't. It is at this point the penny has dropped.
Speaker 15 (28:39):
I am in a mental warts.
Speaker 13 (28:43):
In my panic. I try to convince her, no, no, wait,
you don't understand. I'm the Chinese delivery driver, my.
Speaker 9 (28:52):
Dog Paddington, Paddington's Willie Kim. And a week later it
hadn't gone back in. So I give us that a
call and I'm not sure what you think.
Speaker 12 (29:00):
I think the treatment is for that, but it's a
hand job.
Speaker 11 (29:06):
Our one hundred and eighty five dollars hand job.
Speaker 6 (29:12):
So she did her thing.
Speaker 11 (29:13):
She sent us on our.
Speaker 9 (29:14):
Merry way, lo and behold or we went out in
the following morning for him to do his business. It
came out and it didn't go back in.
Speaker 4 (29:22):
Rushed them back in.
Speaker 11 (29:23):
She did our thing again, slapped.
Speaker 15 (29:26):
You in another bill.
Speaker 9 (29:27):
She said that there was an operation that could be
done in a month, So well, what do you want
me to.
Speaker 15 (29:32):
Do between them?
Speaker 6 (29:33):
And then?
Speaker 9 (29:33):
Because I can't give him a happy ending at that
price every day, Well, let's just say Paddington had his
operation a month later and he didn't see the vet
in between.
Speaker 4 (29:45):
Now right up next, we are going to award the winner.
Everyone here is going to vote for their favorite story.
Speaker 5 (29:49):
But before we go to the next song, Wilbur I
know Tom Jones had some issues with stage vote while
he was taking the pooh. Now, my good friend Dib here,
who I love to throw it because Dib's just awesome,
has some advice for if anyone ever has stage fright
while they're trying to do a poop.
Speaker 14 (30:05):
So if you're doing a pooh and you've got someone
around listening, you're gonna flush the toilet while you do
the plops.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
There you go.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
And the beautiful thing about tonight is, of course it
has been broadcast all over the country to people in
their cars who are driving home. They've heard a great show,
and they've heard a great sample of the Adelaide Fringe Woods.
Speaker 4 (30:23):
But it is all about the ten.
Speaker 1 (30:26):
Thousand dollars, which goes to the best storyteller.
Speaker 2 (30:28):
Tonight, we've got all our storytellers on stage with us
here at the Spiegel ten.
Speaker 5 (30:32):
I can confirm the final vote has gone down to
between winner and second is between a couple of votes.
Speaker 4 (30:44):
Couldn't be tighter here at the Wonderland.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
Speak because it could be one vote, it.
Speaker 5 (30:48):
Could be tighter, it could be slightly tighter, but it
is still quite tight at the Wonderlands Spiegel tent before
I announced the winner really quick, We've got a Von here,
a Von you would fitted in a song that you
did have a look at Tom.
Speaker 4 (31:02):
Jonas's doodle, Tom Jones.
Speaker 2 (31:04):
Excuse Tom Jonas, play report adelaide.
Speaker 1 (31:10):
He's a good question.
Speaker 4 (31:11):
Who would you rather see? Tom Jonas or Tom Jones?
Speaker 1 (31:14):
Oh, Tom Jones, Tom Jones.
Speaker 4 (31:16):
Yeah, oh so you were quite happy with what you.
Speaker 8 (31:18):
Saw, pleasantly surprised.
Speaker 5 (31:21):
Wow, And he's going to be back in Australia soon, guys.
Speaker 4 (31:24):
We also have Haley here.
Speaker 5 (31:26):
Hailey, you were how would you describe what you were
doing to your dog?
Speaker 2 (31:30):
Uh?
Speaker 6 (31:32):
Medically looking after him?
Speaker 1 (31:34):
Lovely?
Speaker 2 (31:34):
Well said, we're not going to ask any more questions.
Speaker 4 (31:36):
Okay, perfect yet. We then have Zach here.
Speaker 5 (31:39):
Zach you you have blonde hair and blue eyes and
you're a Chinese delivery restaurant guy was and then because
of that you got stuck in a psych word extraordinary.
Speaker 4 (31:52):
Still not sure if you actually should belong there or not.
It's a total mystery and then we have Mel here.
Speaker 5 (31:57):
Mel, you had a man who proposed to you the
ring around his todder, and then you rejected him and
have never spoken to him since.
Speaker 6 (32:04):
Yeah, exactly right, guys.
Speaker 4 (32:07):
It's brutal, and maybe it's gonna win you ten thousand dollars.
Speaker 5 (32:10):
Okay, without further ado, guys, I mean, can I get
some sort of noise from you, guys to build anticipation,
like a.
Speaker 1 (32:18):
Nice hug your feet? Nice?
Speaker 5 (32:21):
I love that someone is going home with ten thousand
dollars and that person.
Speaker 17 (32:28):
Is ten thousand bucks. We're getting stuck in a cyclad
and China tell them that he was a Chinese delivery driver.
Speaker 4 (32:46):
Sack kay, Phil, I feel so great.
Speaker 13 (32:49):
I got my little baby here as well, and I
can't wait to spend money. We'll get your best childcare babysitter.
Speaker 4 (32:54):
Now we're going out for dinner. Oh, we're going to
the Chinese rest just like old times.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
RNA A postmas at everyone.
Speaker 3 (33:05):
What a sorry run of bossball O.
Speaker 2 (33:08):
That sorry, till Um said at the Adelaide break at
the Wonderland's break with thank you so much for being involved.
If you miss sex story, make sure you get on
the podcast Whither will you Roomy, get your podcast,
Hey you not for that? Everyone?
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Bye very Will and what in line from the Adelaide Fringe,
The Wonderland's Eagle ten from Tallest Towns Competition.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
We are here on thanks to seek the.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Sufter known and we are very excited to introduce you
some stories.
Speaker 3 (00:22):
Will and Woody present the Squreliest Tallest Tale.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Explore Australia's biggest arts festival, Adelaide Fringe, from sixteen to
March seventeen.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
Tickets at Adelaide Fringe dot com dot ain't you four
finalists wards.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
We've got the story about the dock getting serviced.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
We've got the story about the Chinese delivery driver.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
We have got the story about the ring on the
on the on the wang, the human hookie, and we
have got the story about Tom Jones taking a poo
in the outbank.
Speaker 4 (00:56):
Who's excited about those stories?
Speaker 1 (01:00):
Tom Jones is actually here in a few weeks. Did
you know that?
Speaker 4 (01:03):
I didn't know Tom Jones is going to be here.
He's back just to take a poop, just for one time.
Loves going to the toilet.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Here a quick reminder too, people, I know you guys
are very excited for please give a rind of applause,
a huge geer adelaide four.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Our two guests, Claire, who.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Is going to be telling your story tonight, and Merrik
Watts is also going.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
To be down here.
Speaker 5 (01:26):
The kind of story you're going to hear A something
like this got.
Speaker 6 (01:30):
Into this gentleman's room.
Speaker 7 (01:32):
I've asked you consent.
Speaker 8 (01:33):
Look, is it okay?
Speaker 9 (01:33):
I've just been asked to do some.
Speaker 10 (01:35):
Observations, pulled his blankets down, pulled his jocks down.
Speaker 11 (01:39):
The nurse who I've been shadowing, goes.
Speaker 7 (01:41):
There's no such thing as what you've just done.
Speaker 12 (01:43):
You've just fondled an old man half a million dollars
outside is that gate?
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Wow?
Speaker 13 (01:49):
As you do?
Speaker 7 (01:50):
You picked it up, started walking side ten big cloaths
had jumped on him.
Speaker 5 (01:57):
And the police officers.
Speaker 3 (01:58):
It was a sting wow, playing hit a really really
strong gust of turbulence.
Speaker 1 (02:03):
My grabs.
Speaker 3 (02:04):
Another passenger said, to play right off.
Speaker 9 (02:09):
My dog's painting had a problem with his willie, So
I gave him that a call. She gave him and she.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Was like, cool, it's all.
Speaker 4 (02:18):
Sorted you you've got you tell us that.
Speaker 5 (02:25):
Before we crack into the stories that have been organized.
There is a woman here who claims to have an
amazing story about worms.
Speaker 4 (02:32):
Yeah, I just think it's a great warm up. Who
wants to hear the worm story? They've spoken, We're doing it. Okay,
Now let's keep this short and sharp.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
That keep in mind that Claire Hooper's up next, and
you know, like she's actually you know.
Speaker 4 (02:47):
Yeah, well, just a quick worm story, all right. Well, yeah,
it's not the warm up act.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
I'll cut it off whenever I choose.
Speaker 14 (02:53):
All right. So I was playing minie pool table with
my cousins and it was not my turn, so I
passed the pool cute in the next peasant when to
go sit on the end of the bed, missed the
bed completely, sat on a baby doll cot like a
four post in one, went right up my backside, and
I was winded for like about six and a half hours.
Speaker 6 (03:10):
I was like.
Speaker 14 (03:11):
The moment finally decided to take me to the hospital.
When I got to the hospital, the doctor said, now,
bend over, darling.
Speaker 15 (03:17):
So I did.
Speaker 14 (03:17):
I bend over, and then he grabbed my backside, opened
it up, and then he grabbed his shiny torch and
he just flashed it up my backside and he goes, well,
I can tell you something love She's definitely got worms.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
A story.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
We have the pleasure of joining us here at the
Spiegels this afternoon.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
Adelaide, please give it up for Clare.
Speaker 6 (03:50):
Just hear him win the ten grand guys.
Speaker 10 (03:53):
I've got a great story about a worm. Now, I've
got a story about Christmas in New Zealand. My husband's room,
New Zealand, and we went over there with the two kids.
And what you need to know before I tell you
this story is that Number one, I don't like my
(04:14):
husband in anything except a black T shirt and jeans.
You know, some people like roleplay and I'm like, good
for you, but I'm not interested.
Speaker 4 (04:19):
No, thank you.
Speaker 10 (04:19):
If I like, honestly, even in the nude, I'm like,
put your T shirt and jeans back on your pervert.
You know, like if I wanted to kiss somebody wearing
a policeman's uniform carrying a plastic gun, I would have
married a kindergartener. Okay, so T shirt and jeans, thank
you anyway.
Speaker 6 (04:35):
So the other thing you.
Speaker 10 (04:37):
Need to know is that when it comes to parenting,
I'm a bit of a hero. Okay. So it's our
last day in New Zealand and my husband's cousin decides
to go out collecting flounder and muscles and power and
like this big seafood feast, and so he needs someone
to double the quota. So he makes my husband come out,
sit in the tinny, don't touch anything, just double the quota,
(04:58):
and he loans him a wetsuit.
Speaker 6 (05:02):
Like yuck.
Speaker 10 (05:03):
Right, I didn't have to see it until the very end.
We went and joined them on the beach when they
were wrapping up, and we drive up with my two
kids in the back, and my little kid sees my
husband in a wet suit and she goes, Daddy looks different,
and I was like, yeah, I know. I didn't know
wetsuits could be skimpy.
Speaker 6 (05:22):
Right.
Speaker 10 (05:22):
It was like full legs but kind of a single
at top like underwater. Later hosen like I could see
side boob. No, cover it up, Please put.
Speaker 6 (05:30):
A T shirt on.
Speaker 10 (05:31):
Daddy looks different, yes, babe, because some things you can
put on your body make you look more nude than nude.
And can't quite put my finger on what's wrong. And
I'm certainly never going to again anyway. So we're at
the beach and my daughters usually love the beach, but
my oldest one has seen a beached stingray and the
tide's coming in, but every wave just lifts this sting
(05:53):
ray further up the beach, and its sides are flapping
and its stingers thrashing, and it's blowholes gasping, and my
daughter's so distressed by it. And I'm like, babe, if
you can't fix it, just look away.
Speaker 6 (06:03):
That's what grown ups do, right.
Speaker 10 (06:06):
But she won't stop looking at it, and she's moaning
and crying, and so I put my arm around her.
And because I'm a hero, sometimes heroes teach you when
to go up, give up. And I was like, babe,
there's nothing we can do. Every Day in nature, things
are born and things die. Because I'm a hero, and
she's calming down. And then I see my husband and
his cousin in their horrible skimpy wetsuits running towards us.
(06:28):
They've got and all in each hand that they fished
out the back of the tinney that's on land now,
and they're running towards us with oars, and I'm like,
this better not be or putting it out of its
misery situation, mate, because I've just calmed things down, Like
what do they think they're going to do with two oars.
It is the size of a giant Bunning's umbrella. Like,
what are they going to do? Flip it like a
pancake back into the what? Tap it on the butt
gently until it giggles its way back into the surf. No,
(06:50):
thank you, there's nothing you can do here. Anyway. My cousin,
I'm his cousin and my husband they stood next to
the stingray with their oars, and every time a wave came,
they just gently lifted it two inches closer to the ocean.
It was the slowest. Everybody on the beach was watching,
and eventually a wave caught it and the stingray shot
into the ocean, and my daughter ran into his arms
(07:13):
and I got a bit of salt water in my eye,
but don't worry. I wasn't tears or anything. And my
husband told me what his cousin said to him as
they leaned over into the tinney to get the tours
from where they were stored next to the spearfishing gun
and the seven tons of dead seafood. He just said,
you're going to look like a hero in your daughter's eyes, and.
Speaker 4 (07:35):
So beautiful.
Speaker 10 (07:36):
Anyway, we flew home and the next day I caught
my husband googling on his phone is it okay to
piss in someone else's wetsuit?
Speaker 11 (07:44):
So now he's a hero.
Speaker 6 (07:46):
In my eyes too.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
Thank you so nice.
Speaker 4 (07:55):
But it's time to hear that first story. And I
believe the first story teller. Get up your mal makes
a noisemeu.
Speaker 7 (08:06):
Take it away, mal adelaide, How are you thanks for
having me today? So for anybody, their most magical day
is their engagement.
Speaker 6 (08:19):
Am I right?
Speaker 7 (08:21):
My partner of two years took me into the Star
City Casino in Sydney, great evening to begin checked in.
Everything's great. I don't know what I was expecting, certainly
not what I got. And he's in the bedroom. I've
come out of the bathroom, my partner standing in the
beautiful water view Darling Harbor Star City Casino and he
(08:45):
turns around and he drops his pants. Now this is
not where this is not That wasn't the issue. What
I noticed first was a pool of blood on his crutch.
To further investigate, I'm looking beyond the blood and I
see an engagement ring attached by a ribbon. Yes, he's panicking.
(09:11):
I'm panicking. We're all panicking here there's blood. Of course,
I call front desk. We need help, We need an emergency.
There's blood everywhere. Send help. The next thing, we've got
the front desk, we've got the manager, we've got the cleaner,
and we have an ambulance. And my partner had at
(09:33):
the time ripped He's pulled his pants down and he's
ripped the edge of his.
Speaker 6 (09:39):
Foreskin on the ribbon.
Speaker 7 (09:41):
We end up in an ambulance ride to raw Nor
Show Hospital.
Speaker 12 (09:46):
The nurse comes in, she goes, it's.
Speaker 6 (09:47):
Bad, It's really bad.
Speaker 7 (09:49):
He's going to need an emergency circumcision. I'm thinking, oh
my gosh, do you want to see the ring? I said, no,
I don't want to see the ring. Put it in
a doggie bag. The next thing, the relationship ended there
because me thinking future, get your engagement ring Instagram, Oh engage.
How did he propose to you? Well, you know you
(10:12):
don't want to hear that, dad, darling, how did he
propose to you? Fast forward a few years we have
some kids. Mummy, how did dad propose to you? Well, darling,
he's certainly sacrificed. He sacrificed his foreskin during it. My son,
why does daddy look different to me. Well, you know,
daddy lost it during our engagement. That's the that's my
(10:35):
story pretty much that our relationship ended there. Hell yeah,
and I never seen the ring, but he certainly took
a cut of the ring to the next level.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Night work. Well, wonderful story.
Speaker 5 (10:55):
He's now hearing this story all around Australia just.
Speaker 4 (10:59):
Gets worse than poor guy. All right, I big come
out of that guy. That's right, all right, let's get
Zack up here everyone.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
He's got sorry tone for all of you guys.
Speaker 4 (11:14):
Thank you.
Speaker 15 (11:14):
Hello.
Speaker 13 (11:15):
My name is Zach and I had definitely have a
tatau for you guys, many many years ago. My first
ever job as an eighteen year old was a delivery
driver for a Chinese restaurant. Now, this is a day
of flip phones. There wasn't uber eats. This is when
you call the restaurant, someone who worked there actually came
to your door. So some of you who are a
bit observant may think I don't fit the stereotypical expectation
(11:38):
of what a Chinese delivery driver would look like. So
always led to a big surprise. When I go to
someone's door, I knock on the door. They open the door,
they give me the one eyebrow. It's a bit of
a strange look, and I almost say something along the
lines of there's Chinese people actually making the food, right,
And I.
Speaker 15 (11:57):
Always reassure them, Yep, they make the food.
Speaker 4 (12:00):
I just drop it off.
Speaker 13 (12:01):
So the running joke became no one ever expected me
to be the Chinese delivery driver. So one day I
had to make a delivery to a hospital and I
got the instructions delivered to this hospital in ward E.
Not a big deal. I go to businesses all the time.
I go to the hospital. When I get to ward E,
I see.
Speaker 15 (12:19):
Two big doors, two very secure doors. It's a button
on his side. I hit the button. Doors open. I
walk inside to look for the guy who ordered the food.
Speaker 13 (12:28):
As I'm in the hospital, I'm looking around and some
of the people seemed a little odd, but I'm in
a hospital.
Speaker 15 (12:34):
I'm not gonna judge what's going on here.
Speaker 13 (12:36):
I find the guy, give him this food, and I
go to walk out the same exit, the same big
double doors that I came in from.
Speaker 15 (12:43):
I press the button on the side of the door.
Speaker 13 (12:46):
Nothing happens. I see a nurse's walking by and I say, oh,
excuse me, how do I get out of here? And
she so politely turns to me, puts her hand on
my shoulder and says, oh, sweetie, you don't and she
walks away. It is at this point the penny has dropped.
(13:07):
I am in a mental wards. In my panic, I
try to convince her, no, no, wait, you don't understand.
Speaker 15 (13:14):
I'm the Chinese delivery driver.
Speaker 13 (13:23):
She turns around, gives me that eyebrow of suspicion I've
been receiving this whole time, and she doesn't even say word.
She continues walking away, surely thinking I'm in the right
place now.
Speaker 15 (13:34):
The question is, in.
Speaker 13 (13:36):
A mental ward, how do you convince someone you're not crazy.
Sure you've got blonde hair, blue wise, white skin, but
you've got to convince him you're the Chinese delivery driver.
If you've think about what to do, and you said, beg,
that's exactly what I did. I ran to her. I said, please, please,
I'm not supposed to be here. Can you please go
check with someone?
Speaker 15 (13:55):
And she says, look, fine, I'll go check.
Speaker 13 (13:59):
And she walks up and leaves me there for fifteen
or twenty minutes or something. So I'm sitting there, and
you start questioning yourself. Am I actually a Chinese delivery driver?
How to actually get out of here?
Speaker 15 (14:11):
What am I going to do? I've got no smartphone,
I've got no newspaper. You're how crazy you look?
Speaker 13 (14:16):
And you've got nothing to do. You're sitting there staring.
Can't stare that will look crazy. Can't look around, that
will look crazy. Anyway, Fifteen two minutes later, she comes out.
She says, oh my god, I am so sorry, and
she dings her card, Lets me out, And that's how
I escaped the mental ward sack.
Speaker 7 (14:35):
What a s.
Speaker 4 (14:39):
It's actually like shutter Island. I actually, truly, I don't
know if you're supposed to be there or not. That
was amazing that you really left us on a cliffhanger.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Sax on vacation for the war tonight, guys, So actually
you get around here before I has to go back.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
What a great dude, What a great story.
Speaker 5 (14:57):
Before we get the next two stories out that are
vying for that ten thousand dollars, let's get our bloody
pro at here. I don't know what we actually can
call this guy pro, but jeez's funny. He's great at
stand up he's got some great stories. His name is
Mark Watts. Made some noise, Oh, Las German.
Speaker 3 (15:15):
Absolute pleasure to be here in this Beegel ten and
to be with such great an esteemed company. I'm going
to tell you a tall tale, but a true one.
It is the story and this will Shockgip of when
I was expelled from school. See a few people and
already not believing this story.
Speaker 15 (15:32):
But it is true.
Speaker 3 (15:34):
I was in my second year of year eleven.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
That's right, Las of Rice is there.
Speaker 3 (15:39):
I was so good at the first year. They said
would you like to do another? And I was like,
why not, I'm already here. And I said, will you
nailed the first one? Have another?
Speaker 2 (15:49):
Guy?
Speaker 1 (15:49):
So I did so. In my second year.
Speaker 3 (15:51):
Of year eleven, I went to my classroom and it
was in the two story block of an English wing.
And I walked in there and all my classmates with it.
But the no teacher right, which of course means do
whatever you like. And I thought, oh, maybe an emergency
teacher will come. No nobody came for us and we
were left alone. I went well, obviously, when there's no
(16:12):
teacher and no emergency teacher who takes care of the
class Merrick does. So I said, are we ready to learn?
And everyone went yes. And this is the time of
blackboards and chalk, and it was so good drawing phallic
symbolism up on the board, taking a six head class
that no one asked for. And whilst I was there
mocking around, I thought, hang on a second, there is
no teacher coming for us at all. This is it,
(16:34):
Like they're really not coming. So I started to get
a little bit bored to my own very entertaining antics,
and I looked out below the window there. I went
over and looked down and there was a big group
of parents on parent orientation day and they're checking out
the school.
Speaker 15 (16:48):
Yes, yes, it's going there.
Speaker 1 (16:52):
But wait, there's more.
Speaker 3 (16:55):
So there's a big group of parents on parent orientation
day and they're having a look at school, trying to
sign whether or not they want to send their kids
to my school the next year. And with them was
the principal of my school, the year level coordinator, and
the discipline coordinator, or Helen as I knew her because
(17:15):
we were mates by that stage. And I was like,
this is probably not a very good time to be
an idiot. And then a voice in my mind said
but Mary, you are so good at it, and I
was like, I think you're right.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
I should listen to you.
Speaker 3 (17:29):
More so, looking down at what would be the certain
death of my scholastic career, I decided that with no
teacher in the room, I would climb out of the
window two stories high, climb out and wrap one arm
around the window ledge. So I was just dangling from
the window ledge all alone, two stories high, and as
(17:53):
the parents came past, I yelled out, no, missus Norton,
you can't make me jump.
Speaker 1 (18:12):
All I want to do is learn.
Speaker 3 (18:17):
An absolute pleasure, say the good talk that I'm gonna
take the teen grand and go bye, cheap car.
Speaker 4 (18:24):
Thank you very much, all the best.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
Now are you ready for the next story. I think
we are.
Speaker 4 (18:31):
Let's get her up here entirely. Everybody may go.
Speaker 9 (18:33):
Feel welcome, Gods, good evening, Adelaide. Thank you for having me.
Not that anyone asked me to be here, but I'm
here none the lefts. My name is Haley, and I'm
here this evening to tell you a story about my dog, Paddington,
who has a very dodgy Willie. For those of you
(18:56):
that are lucky enough to have a male dog, you'll
know that when they're wei, willy comes out and when
they're finished, it goes back in, or at least it should.
Paddington's willy came out and a week later it hadn't
gone back in. So I gave his verta call and
she was like, that's an emergency, like you need to
get him in now because he might lose circulation or
(19:17):
it might fall off.
Speaker 6 (19:17):
And it's a disaster.
Speaker 9 (19:19):
So I left work, I grabbed Paddington and I rushed
him straight into the vet.
Speaker 11 (19:23):
And I'm not sure what you.
Speaker 12 (19:25):
Think the treatment is for that, but it's a hand job.
Speaker 11 (19:32):
A one hundred and eighty five dollars hand job.
Speaker 6 (19:38):
So she did her thing.
Speaker 11 (19:39):
She sent us on our merry way, and she said
that's it. He's sorted. You won't have to see me again.
Lo and behold.
Speaker 9 (19:48):
Or he went out the following morning for him to
do his business. It came out and it didn't go
back in. So now I'm in a panic. Rushed him
back in. She did our thing again, slapped me with
another bill and told me that was it.
Speaker 6 (20:04):
Off you go.
Speaker 11 (20:05):
I said, I think we need to look at all
more like long term plan here.
Speaker 9 (20:13):
She said that there was an operation that could be done,
said great, when can it be done in a month?
Speaker 11 (20:20):
So well, what do you want.
Speaker 15 (20:21):
Me to do between now and then?
Speaker 9 (20:22):
Because I can't give him a happy ending at that
price every day?
Speaker 1 (20:27):
She said, I had.
Speaker 9 (20:28):
One of two options. Option one, bring him in, pay them,
they'll sort them out.
Speaker 11 (20:35):
Or option two do it yourself.
Speaker 9 (20:40):
It was at that point that she gave me instructions
on how to give a dog a hand job and
sent me away to make my decision. I needed to
pop in to grab some stuff for dinner, and out
of the corner my eye and it was the lube.
Speaker 11 (20:54):
I clicked in my head.
Speaker 15 (20:55):
Oh that's what she used.
Speaker 9 (20:58):
Well, let's just say padding to and had his operation
a month later and he didn't see the vat in between.
Speaker 6 (21:06):
Thank you very much, good night, don't work daily?
Speaker 4 (21:19):
Well me, that's a very happy dog, very very happy dog.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
We've got one story to go.
Speaker 2 (21:24):
We're gonna wrap them all up very very shortly, so
you can hear the summary of all the wonderful stories
I've had so Farwards, big thanks to Claire who beat
and Merrick what's we have been up here on the stage.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
With us this afternoon.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
But we've got one story to go and then we
can all get down to voting and giving away the
ten thousand dollars.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
So please put your hands together and von our final. Sorry,
it's all up here in the spage or ten.
Speaker 8 (21:47):
Okay. Before I start, I'm gonna just let you know
the emergency exits are over here and over here.
Speaker 1 (21:52):
Okay.
Speaker 8 (21:52):
I'm going to take you back to the late nineteen
nineties when Melbourne used to.
Speaker 15 (21:58):
Host the Loogies.
Speaker 8 (22:00):
We had Tom Jones coming over to present at the Logies.
I was a private flight attendant at the time on
a lee a Jed and we were tasked to bring
Tom from Melbourne to Perth through the night after the
Logis because he had this special thing that he had
to be out.
Speaker 15 (22:17):
Now, we had.
Speaker 8 (22:18):
Pre briefed everybody that Aliah thirty five is not a
long range aircraft. We have to stop halfway to refuel.
That was fine, so on board I got serenaded by
Tom Jones, so.
Speaker 15 (22:30):
He saying to me.
Speaker 8 (22:32):
When we landed, he came up to me and he said, look,
I have to go to the bathroom. And I said, well, look,
mister Jones, like the whole flight, I was very professional,
I said, mister Jones. The bathroom on this aircraft is
my flight attendant seat. What happens is you pop up
my little siege. There's a toilet bowl there, and I
(22:53):
cover you with the curtain while you do what you
need to do. Tom looked at me and went, ah, yen, nah,
don't think that it's gonna happen. But you still need
to go to the bathroom, don't you, mister Jones? And
he said yes, I really really really need to go
to the bathroom. So I went down to the refueler
and I said, look, mister Jones really needs to go
to the bathroom. He is not going to use my
(23:13):
flight attendancyat as I have offered him refuel and then said,
well you do have option to see that little shed
all the way over there and we're looking in the dark. Yes,
all the way over there that is the public toilet.
And Tom Jones and I look at each other and went,
you've got to be kidding me. The refueler gives me
(23:34):
remember the old dolphin lamb torches, Yeah, the big dolphin lambs.
So I'm holding this dolphin lamb and I've now got
to escort Tom Jones across this field to this way
over there shed because that's the bathroom. Now we get there.
Now this story just gets even worse because we get there,
the lights don't work. So mister Jones, who really needs
(23:56):
to go to the bathroom, he said, well, look I've
got to go. And I said, my only option is
is if you walk in there, I turn around and
I hold the torch, so you do what you need
to do. And I promise I won't look. I promise,
cross my heart, hope to die. So he starts off
at the urine or now I'm thinking that, wow, most
(24:16):
women like to throw their underwear at mister Jons on stage.
And here I am standing here and I have him
all to myself and I could hear him moving around.
Then he comes out and we walk back to the aircraft.
We get on board, and he just looks stressed. And
I said, look, mister Jones, like, what's wrong. We went
(24:37):
to the bathroom and I promise I didn't look. And
I'm getting a bit of a hot flush just remembering it.
Then he said, look, I really just wanted to do
a number two, but I got stage fright, and I'm thinking,
mister gant Tom Jones, who can stand in front of
an audience and sing or night he got stage fright
(25:00):
in front of me because he didn't want to do
a number two.
Speaker 4 (25:05):
Oh my god, amazing work.
Speaker 15 (25:10):
So thanks so much mate, loving have you here.
Speaker 5 (25:14):
He's back in Australia soon, so you can help him
to a pool when he's back.
Speaker 6 (25:17):
Maybe you really soon.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
He's back here really soon. Shout out to everybody to
come down tonight.
Speaker 4 (25:22):
Thank you so much. Has been an absolute world to man.
Speaker 16 (25:24):
Would's so nice to see some of you guys down
here tonight to meet some of you guys down here
and sighting to hear four amazing stories from four people
who put their hands up, told the stories, got through
the whole nomination process, and then one of them is
going to win ten Grand Struth or Mighty.
Speaker 4 (25:38):
If you have miss stories, oh sorry you were going
to I thought you threw it in me. You looked
at me with those throw eyes of yours.
Speaker 5 (25:44):
Anyway, miss Reddit, maybe you're undressing me with those eyes.
We are staying in the same hotel room tonight in Adelaide.
Speaker 4 (25:50):
We might shake it up anyway.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
Anyway.
Speaker 4 (25:54):
If you've missed any of the stories here.
Speaker 8 (25:56):
They are I was a private flight attendant. We had
Tom Jones coming over to present at the logis we
have to stop halfway to refuel. Said, look, I have
to go to the bathroom. The bathroom is my flight
attendant seat. Pop up my little seat and I cover
you with a curtain while you do what you need
(26:18):
to do. You do have option to see that little
shed all the way over there. That is the public toilet.
The lights don't work, so mister Jones, you walk in there.
I turn around and I hold the torch. We walk
back to the aircraft and he just looks stressed. He said, look,
I really just wanted to do a number two, but
(26:40):
I got stage fright. Tom Jones, who can stand in
front of an audience and sing or not, he got
stage fright in front of me because he didn't want
to do a number two.
Speaker 9 (26:54):
For anybody.
Speaker 7 (26:56):
Their most magical day is their engagement, my partner said
in the beautiful water view, and he turns around and
he drops his pants. What I noticed first was a
pool of blood on his crutch. To further investigation, I'm
looking an engagement ring attached by a ribbon. He's panicking.
(27:19):
We're all panicking here.
Speaker 11 (27:21):
There's blood.
Speaker 7 (27:22):
The next thing we've got.
Speaker 11 (27:23):
The front desk.
Speaker 7 (27:24):
We've got the manager, we've got the cleaner, and we
have an ambulance. My partner had at the time ripped
the edge of his foreskin on the ribbon.
Speaker 12 (27:36):
The nurse comes in.
Speaker 6 (27:37):
She goes, it's bad.
Speaker 7 (27:38):
It's really bad. He's going to need an emergency circumcision.
I'm thinking, oh my gosh, do you want to see
the ring? I said, no, I don't want to see
the ring. Put it in a doggie bag. I never
seen the ring, but he certainly took a cut of
the ring to the next level.
Speaker 13 (27:56):
My first ever job as an eighteen year old was
a delivery driver for a China restaurants. Some of you,
who are a bit observant may think I don't fit
the stereotypical expectation of what a Chinese delivery driver would
look like. So the running joke became, no one ever
expected me to be the Chinese delivery driver. So one
day I had to make a delivery to a hospital.
Speaker 15 (28:15):
When I get to ward e, I see two big doors.
Speaker 13 (28:19):
Give them this food, and I go to walk out
the same exit the same big double doors. Nothing happens.
I see a nurse's walking by. Excuse me, how do
I get out of here? And she so politely turns
to me, puts her hand on my shoulder and says, oh, sweetie,
you don't. It is at this point the penny has dropped.
Speaker 15 (28:39):
I am in a mental warts.
Speaker 13 (28:43):
In my panic. I try to convince her, no, no, wait,
you don't understand. I'm the Chinese delivery driver, my.
Speaker 9 (28:52):
Dog Paddington, Paddington's Willie Kim. And a week later it
hadn't gone back in. So I give us that a
call and I'm not sure what you think.
Speaker 12 (29:00):
I think the treatment is for that, but it's a
hand job.
Speaker 11 (29:06):
Our one hundred and eighty five dollars hand job.
Speaker 6 (29:12):
So she did her thing.
Speaker 11 (29:13):
She sent us on our.
Speaker 9 (29:14):
Merry way, lo and behold or we went out in
the following morning for him to do his business. It
came out and it didn't go back in.
Speaker 4 (29:22):
Rushed them back in.
Speaker 11 (29:23):
She did our thing again, slapped.
Speaker 15 (29:26):
You in another bill.
Speaker 9 (29:27):
She said that there was an operation that could be
done in a month, So well, what do you want
me to.
Speaker 15 (29:32):
Do between them?
Speaker 6 (29:33):
And then?
Speaker 9 (29:33):
Because I can't give him a happy ending at that
price every day, Well, let's just say Paddington had his
operation a month later and he didn't see the vet
in between.
Speaker 4 (29:45):
Now right up next, we are going to award the winner.
Everyone here is going to vote for their favorite story.
Speaker 5 (29:49):
But before we go to the next song, Wilbur I
know Tom Jones had some issues with stage vote while
he was taking the pooh. Now, my good friend Dib here,
who I love to throw it because Dib's just awesome,
has some advice for if anyone ever has stage fright
while they're trying to do a poop.
Speaker 14 (30:05):
So if you're doing a pooh and you've got someone
around listening, you're gonna flush the toilet while you do
the plops.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
There you go.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
And the beautiful thing about tonight is, of course it
has been broadcast all over the country to people in
their cars who are driving home. They've heard a great show,
and they've heard a great sample of the Adelaide Fringe Woods.
Speaker 4 (30:23):
But it is all about the ten.
Speaker 1 (30:26):
Thousand dollars, which goes to the best storyteller.
Speaker 2 (30:28):
Tonight, we've got all our storytellers on stage with us
here at the Spiegel ten.
Speaker 5 (30:32):
I can confirm the final vote has gone down to
between winner and second is between a couple of votes.
Speaker 4 (30:44):
Couldn't be tighter here at the Wonderland.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
Speak because it could be one vote, it.
Speaker 5 (30:48):
Could be tighter, it could be slightly tighter, but it
is still quite tight at the Wonderlands Spiegel tent before
I announced the winner really quick, We've got a Von here,
a Von you would fitted in a song that you
did have a look at Tom.
Speaker 4 (31:02):
Jonas's doodle, Tom Jones.
Speaker 2 (31:04):
Excuse Tom Jonas, play report adelaide.
Speaker 1 (31:10):
He's a good question.
Speaker 4 (31:11):
Who would you rather see? Tom Jonas or Tom Jones?
Speaker 1 (31:14):
Oh, Tom Jones, Tom Jones.
Speaker 4 (31:16):
Yeah, oh so you were quite happy with what you.
Speaker 8 (31:18):
Saw, pleasantly surprised.
Speaker 5 (31:21):
Wow, And he's going to be back in Australia soon, guys.
Speaker 4 (31:24):
We also have Haley here.
Speaker 5 (31:26):
Hailey, you were how would you describe what you were
doing to your dog?
Speaker 2 (31:30):
Uh?
Speaker 6 (31:32):
Medically looking after him?
Speaker 1 (31:34):
Lovely?
Speaker 2 (31:34):
Well said, we're not going to ask any more questions.
Speaker 4 (31:36):
Okay, perfect yet. We then have Zach here.
Speaker 5 (31:39):
Zach you you have blonde hair and blue eyes and
you're a Chinese delivery restaurant guy was and then because
of that you got stuck in a psych word extraordinary.
Speaker 4 (31:52):
Still not sure if you actually should belong there or not.
It's a total mystery and then we have Mel here.
Speaker 5 (31:57):
Mel, you had a man who proposed to you the
ring around his todder, and then you rejected him and
have never spoken to him since.
Speaker 6 (32:04):
Yeah, exactly right, guys.
Speaker 4 (32:07):
It's brutal, and maybe it's gonna win you ten thousand dollars.
Speaker 5 (32:10):
Okay, without further ado, guys, I mean, can I get
some sort of noise from you, guys to build anticipation,
like a.
Speaker 1 (32:18):
Nice hug your feet? Nice?
Speaker 5 (32:21):
I love that someone is going home with ten thousand
dollars and that person.
Speaker 17 (32:28):
Is ten thousand bucks. We're getting stuck in a cyclad
and China tell them that he was a Chinese delivery driver.
Speaker 4 (32:46):
Sack kay, Phil, I feel so great.
Speaker 13 (32:49):
I got my little baby here as well, and I
can't wait to spend money. We'll get your best childcare babysitter.
Speaker 4 (32:54):
Now we're going out for dinner. Oh, we're going to
the Chinese rest just like old times.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
RNA A postmas at everyone.
Speaker 3 (33:05):
What a sorry run of bossball O.
Speaker 2 (33:08):
That sorry, till Um said at the Adelaide break at
the Wonderland's break with thank you so much for being involved.
If you miss sex story, make sure you get on
the podcast Whither will you Roomy, get your podcast,
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