Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the
time poor parent who just on answers Now. Hello, this
is doctor Justin Colson. Thank you so much for joining
me on the Happy Families Podcast today. I've got a
guest with me that I'm really grateful to be able
to speak to about a topic that is really challenging.
And I know that it's the start of year and
we're supposed to have that great energy and feel excited
(00:26):
about life, but the reality is sometimes hard things happen
at inconvenient times, like at the start of the year
when we're supposed to be energetic and excited about life,
but we're not. Today we're going to talk about grief,
specifically grief and children. My guests on the Happy Families
Podcast today is a lady called Christy Thomas, who is
(00:46):
the director and manager CEO of Feel the Magic. Christy,
really nice to have you on the podcast today. Our
conversation is about grief. But when it comes to this
idea of Feel the Magic and the role that you play,
can you tell me a bit about who you are
and what you do.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Thank you so much for having me to talk about
such an awkward, uncomfortable topic as well, especially when we're
talking about grief and kids. So my name's Christy Thomas.
I'm actually the co founder of Feel the Magic and
Feel the Magic was born out of my own childhood
brievement as well as a co founder with my husband,
(01:24):
who had lost both his parents by the time he
was thirty. And what we realized actually here in Australia
is that there's minimal resources for children and parents to
access to help kids through the worst time possible. I
don't know if you know this, but one in twenty
kids here in Australia will actually lose a parent before
they turn eighteen.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
One fifth of kids will lose a parent to death.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
Before that time the time they're eighteen, So we're not
that's not including sibling loss or we also deal with
guardian loss, so that those are not available to us
here in Australia. And also you know, any other kind
of bereavement that a child might have when they're younger.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
Yeah, So when I hear you share those numbers, I'm
really surprised. And the reason for it is when we
think of high mortality in families, I kind of go
back to like the fifteen hundreds or the eighteen hundreds.
It doesn't feel like that's what would happen today. So
in fact, maybe I can share a brief story to
highlight just how challenging it is, though to put this
(02:30):
into perspective. In all the years that I've been doing
the work that I do, only once have I had
to speak with a parent who was helping her children
go through bereavement. As it happened, these two girls, who
were under the age of ten, had lost their dad
to suicide. They were grieving, and when I spoke to
this particular mum, I said, well, how can I help
(02:50):
you most? And she said, I need to help my
children with bereavement, and she explained the situation. I said, okay,
well I can definitely help with that and she said, no, no, no,
that's that's not the bereavement that I'm worried about. I said,
I'm not quite sure. I am following. What is it
that's going on? And she said, I've just received the
terminal diagnosis and I have around about six weeks left
(03:12):
and my children are going to be on their own.
They're going to be living with their grandparents and their aunties,
and I need to be able to help them through it,
so these poor kids are going to become orphans in
the space of twelve months, losing both parents obviously devastating,
catastrophic for them. Can you tell me a bit about
Feel the Magic the organization yourselves, and then I'd like
(03:33):
to talk more about what grief does to a child,
because clearly you and your husband have both been through
some grief of your own.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
So Field the Magic support kids who aged seven to
seventeen who have lost a parent, sibling, or legal guardian,
And basically we bring them into different types of camps,
so we do them face to face and virtually, and
we basically teach them emotional literacy, coping strategies, We give
them tools to actually self regulate and self soothe. And
(04:06):
then the biggest thing that's sort of amazing that comes
along with these programs is that they get to meet
other kids like them. And part of what grief does
to a kid is that isolates them. They become very different.
They don't know anyone else that's going through what they are,
They don't know how to talk about it with other people,
and so instantly when they meet other kids who are
(04:28):
going through the same thing, suddenly their world opens up
to say I'm not the only one and there's a
way forward. So in particular, I want to talk about
Camp Magic because that's our three days signature camp, and
in that program, we match every grieving child with a mentor,
(04:50):
an adult mentor who comes along the journey with them,
so they have someone sitting beside them in their journey
to experience, you know, every session that we do, but
there's someone there with them to support them. So we're
not in the business of fixing kids, where they're to
empower them to actually self regulate and take control of
(05:10):
their grief moving forward.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
I'm listening to what you're talking about in terms of
the challenges that kids have feeling isolated, feeling like they've
i guess lost part of their identity when they lose
a parent, and the way they look for somebody who
would understand, somebody who would empathize. In all of the
research that I've done, this is an area that I've
never investigated. I'm curious if you can explain any other
(05:38):
findings from a research point of view in terms of
how children respond to how they cope with the loss
and the subsequent grieving of a parent.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
Yeah, there's some really obvious things that happen to a kid.
Just from speaking to hundreds of families and parents of
kids who have lost someone's significant one of the main
things is they really suffer with anxiety or separation anxiety,
especially if they've lost a parent. So if they've lost
a parent, they become very, very very careful around the
(06:14):
parent who's left, so they don't want to leave them
because they're scared of losing them as well. So that's
one thing. Any other behaviors like you know, acting out
or their emotional dysregulation and their reaction to things can
be quite overwhelming, especially for a parent who's grieving as well,
so managing that can be really difficult. Isolation, and then
(06:36):
they're much more likely in their teen years to withdraw
and you know, be involved in risk taking behaviors. And sadly,
research has shown that a child who has had the
significant bereavement before the age of eighteen is six times
more likely to die by suicide. So we really look
(06:59):
at the work that we do is early intervention to
ensure that that child doesn't have life long mental health issues.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Yeah, life saving, Christy. Thank you for sharing those research
outcomes to something that's so challenging. How do you recommend
that parents respond to children when they're dealing with loss
and grief? So if we would look at it developmentally,
I know that you said that what you do in
your organization and Feel the Magic is primarily focused on
(07:27):
kids from seven through seventeen. But if we start just
with younger children, let's say toddlers and preschoolers, and then
we can talk about the bigger kids after that, what
do you recommend parents do if the children have lost
a parent.
Speaker 2 (07:38):
The number one thing we recommend is for the parent
to absolutely seek support and help for themselves, to ensure
that they're modeling healthy grieving so that the child can
look to them right.
Speaker 1 (07:52):
And that it wouldn't matter if the child was a
little or big in that doesn't matter.
Speaker 2 (07:56):
Just look after you, look after you, ask for how
accept help when it's offered, because people do come to
the party with support, feel it to heal. It is
what we say. You've got to absolutely face that grief
to ensure that you can move forward later and walk
alongside your grief. So when we're talking toddler age, being
(08:19):
honest across all ages around what's happened, being using really
direct language, so not being vague around h they've gone away,
because you don't want to create opportunities for the child
to think are they.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
Coming back, or to think that other people are going
to go away and they'll also leave their life.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
So using words like dead dyed is really important so
that maybe they don't understand what that word means, they
can seek out what that word does mean. But it's
the truth of what's happened.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
So hearing you say that, and I know that it's true.
I've written articles about this side of things, and I
know what the research says around this. Hearing you say it,
it's there's there's that part of me that wants to
say no, no, but can we just soften a little bit
for the kids? Can we just make it a little
bit more palatable, a little bit not nice, or a
little bit more gentle because it's so it's such a
(09:12):
heavy word, it's so so final.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
Yes, And that's what we do as a human race,
is we want to care for that child who is
going to be in pain when you deliver a message
like Daddy's died or Mum's died. But being clear and
direct is really important for their for their growth.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
In terms of other things, you can do for little
kids who are probably going to be confused, lots of hugs.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
Hugs, connection time, spending time with them, creating rituals around
their loved one beautiful in terms of memorial type things
is really important. Craft with them and doing things that
are quite creative can help bring out you know, having
(10:06):
chats with them about their griefs. So that's for the
little ones. And then when we're talking seven to nine,
very similar. They just want connection with their parents, they
really do. They just need love, care, support, direct language,
and a safe space to be able to share what
they're going through. When we're talking ten to thirteen.
Speaker 1 (10:26):
Yeah, yeah, As they start to get older and move
towards those tween and teen years, I presume that it
changes because their responses change, right.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
I have to say this is the most popular age
group where we have children come into the programs. Sometimes
seven to nine they're still too young to process and
coming in especially being left alone. But ten to thirteen
seems to be our target area because I hate to
(10:54):
say it, but the parents still has some say over
what the child does, so they can ease we come
to our programs, but they get so much out of
having been connected with other kids their age. Having a
safe space where they're not protecting their parents' feelings or
other people's feelings, where they can share how they feel
(11:15):
is so incredibly impactful for them. Yeah. So again, direct
language lots of connection. But this age group really, and
I would say teens when I'm talking fourteen to seventeen,
a lot of them lose sight of what makes them
feel good. So once they may have been somebody who
(11:37):
I've heard this story a million times, but say we
had a child who loved playing football and it was
something that they did with their dad very often, and
the minute dad passed away, no more football. It just
was too hard. But the parent who's parenting or the
mum who's parenting this child knows that football will be
(11:58):
really good for him. So helping the child, supporting the
child to find or get back to activities that make
them feel good.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
Christy, you mentioned before about looking after yourself as a parent.
How much of our ability to guide our children through
their grief is predicted by all or reliant on our
ability to be well ourselves.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
It's hard to gauge how much, but I think, like
I said at the top, it's almost the most important thing.
If you care for yourself and your own grief, then
you're modeling that behavior and you can then therefore be
much more connected with your child. If you're pushing it down,
it's hard to connect outwards because you're so holding so
(12:46):
tight onto feelings that hurt or are painful. I think
parents are just scared that if they let it out,
it's never going to stop, and especially kids too, and
often I mean children who hold it in because they
don't want to upset mum or dad as well. But
what we find is, you know, if you let it out,
(13:10):
it doesn't last forever, and it kind of reduces the
pain a bit for next time, and they become few
and far between. But then they also get easier, and
then outside of letting it out, there's this huge relief,
like I see it at cam Magic all the time.
We'll go into one of the therapeutic sessions and they'll
(13:30):
be kids crying and having it, you know, talking and
sharing their feelings and it's been a really heavy moment,
and not more than ten minutes later, they're out kicking
a football or playing with the ball and laughing and
having fun. So kids, when given an opportunity, are really
good at grieving because they just get it. They're just
(13:52):
so in tune with their emotions if they're given them space.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
Do you think that sometimes parents just try to fix
things too fast?
Speaker 2 (13:59):
Oh? Absolutely, it's hard not to when you see your
child in pain and you're feeling that pain yourself, so
you really connect it to their pain as well. It's
hard not to try to fix or want to fix.
It's really hard.
Speaker 1 (14:16):
And at the same time, you're also trying to just
get on with life, right, Like we've still got to
go to school, or we've still got to look after
the house, or go to work, or deal with all
the other stuff that life demands. Office. It's not like
we can say, Okay, there has been a death and
now we're going to take six weeks and do nothing
but wear black and sit in ash and grief. That's
(14:37):
not what we do in twenty twenty three. Is that's
not how our society works. Last question for you, I mean,
I'd love to I'd love to talk to you about
this for so much longer. There's so much that you
haven't even scratched the surface off. But if people want
to find out more about Fielder Magic and Camp Magic,
the work that you're doing. Where would you send them?
Where's the best place for them to go?
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Our website is the best filmdomagic dot org dot au.
We've got all the information you need to know about
what programs we have, where and when. Also, we have
this amazing grief resource hub, so you can go on
there and find books and videos and podcasts and other
(15:18):
organizations who deal with grief and breathements. So there's a
real hub there that you can go to for any
kind of resources that you might need. And we have
an incredible intake officer. Her name's Lauren. If you fill
out an inquiry form, she'll get in contact with you
and if you want to talk via email, if you
(15:39):
want to talk via text or on the phone, she's
available to you anytime.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
So now one in twenty hunder eighteen are going through
this at some point in their life. I think the
work you do really matters. Christy, it's been a delight
to talk with you. That's Christy Thomas from Feel the Magic.
The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland for
Bridge Media, Craig Bruce's Arretech producer. For more info, please
visit Happyfamilies dot com dot u and check out our
(16:04):
show notes for more about Field the Magic