August 1, 2025 • 32 mins
Ben Maller (produced by Danny G.) has a great Friday for you! He talks: The Penny Revealed, the great key-lime Caper, & more!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Kabbooms.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
of the old Republic, a soul fashion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto cutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
The Clearinghouse of Hot takes break free for something special.
The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now.
Speaker 3 (00:28):
In the air everywhere. The Fifth Hour with Me, Ben
Maler and Danny G Radio who will join us at
some point over the weekend. Well, my marketing campaign has
paid off. We have gotten you to show up here
to this edition, a special spicy edition of The Fifth
Hour as we kick off the weekend. If you're new
(00:51):
here and you heard me blatantly promoting over the top
promotion on the Overnight Show, which we just ended a
few hours ago, thank you, Thank you for being here.
We do this podcast every weekend, myself and Danny G.
Danny normally joins me on Saturday and Sunday and sometimes
on Friday, but it's just me here as we kick
(01:12):
off the month of August. So the big reveal we
are moments away from the big reveal on the edition
of the Fifth Hour we have this edition, we have
the penny has dropped and the Great key Lime Caper,
among other things. But we'll focus on that and let's
get the party started.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
Don't waste what are you doing? Bet? You made me
come to this dumb podcast. I don't want to be
here all right. Listen.
Speaker 3 (01:39):
After months of chatter among the mal Or militia, so
many of you have sent me emails. We only have
read a few of them on this podcast and on
the radio show. I've gotten heartfelt letters, people that love
Benny versus the penny.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
There have been social media.
Speaker 3 (01:55):
Posts, all of the good vibrations, all of them. Well, today,
today is the day the cat is out of the bag.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
You have come to the right place.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
We have saved this announcement for here on the Fifth
Hour podcast because this news is so important, right, so
crucial that we want the hardcore p ones who are
the foundation, the salt of the Earth and the Mala
militia to hear it directly from us, not just in
a short radio segment. We have a lot more time
(02:27):
here on the podcast format.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
Now. It also does not hurt.
Speaker 3 (02:32):
I'm not gonna lie to artificially boost the downloads on
the Fifth Hour podcast.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Man, Hey, full transparency, kids.
Speaker 3 (02:38):
We got a podcast to do every weekend, and if
I'm gonna do it, we might as well drive people
to the podcast. Now, regardless of that, the news is real.
Our long national nightmare is over. The decision has been
made on the future of Benny Versus The Penny on
television in twenty twenty five, after all this time.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
So let's make it some fun, right, let's make it fun.
Speaker 3 (03:01):
We'll have multiple choice and I'll give you three options. A,
Option A and B. C picked up season three. We
are back baby later this month here in August, with
a full season all the way through the Super Bowl
in February. We'll have a preview show at the end
of August, the kickoff here in early September, and that
(03:24):
is just going to be amazing.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
Now.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
Option B the show was canceled. We were dumped by NBC.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
Option C none of the above, all right, So those
are the options.
Speaker 3 (03:37):
You got it. A. NBC picked up season three. We're
back later this month. B the show was rudely canceled.
CEE none of the above, some other option right, Danny
G can you give me a drum roll, please go,
I need a drum roll, please all right, Reveal answers,
(03:58):
Reveal answers. Now, if you picked option A, you're a dreamer,
a lovely loser. God bless you, because the correct answer
is b. We have been put on waivers designated for assignment.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Oh oh, NBC will.
Speaker 3 (04:18):
Not will not be bringing back Benny Versus the Penny
for season three. You kill that now before you q
the sad trombone and activate an insurgency with the foot
Soldiers and the Mallord Militia. Let me stop you right now.
This is not a sad day. It is not seriously,
(04:38):
and I'm not blowing smoke here. I am Benny Brightside
on this one absolutely now. I found out this news
a little earlier in the week. It was not the
news I was hoping for about getting poll acts from
the TV show. But I've had time to process it,
I've had time to reflect, and I feel nothing but gratitude.
(04:59):
I got yeah to share that with you. Working on
Benny Versus the Penny with John, Kevin, Vinnie, the Ride
and Die team on that TV show was like breathing
in a breath of fresh air in a very stale
media world. I've heard over hers teamwork makes the dream work,
and these cats were pros, pros, detail freaks, meticulous, obsessed
(05:22):
with producing a quality show. They worked tremendously hard, They
stayed late, they cared. It wasn't just a cheeseball weekend
gambling show. It mattered right, and that was very important.
As you might imagine. You don't need to tell you that,
but you.
Speaker 1 (05:39):
Have to understand how much that meant to me. Right.
Speaker 3 (05:42):
Contrast that with much of my radio career as an adult,
where and I love radio, I'm not. I love the business,
but for better or worse, I've often been surrounded by
people that don't have that. I've been a one man band,
surrounded by folks who treat the job like it's the
d and first one out of the building, last one
(06:03):
in the antithesis of what we hear here with NFL
training camps going on, where every quarterback's got to be
the first one in, last one out. Well, and in
my experience working with a lot of people over the
years in radio, many of them have been first one
out of the building, last one in. So as a result,
I've felt like the onus has been on me, I've
had to overprepare just to carry the load. Not that
(06:23):
I wouldn't have done that, a lot of that anyway.
So this TV experience this.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
Time was just different.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
It was energizing, right, It was really cool and of
course a massive thank you to Bill Brighton.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
You might not know who that is.
Speaker 3 (06:36):
If you're not in television or media, you may not
know his name. However, he is the big cheese over
at NBC who believed in the gas bag you're listening
to right now when few others would. He had been
a listener to the Overnight Show as he was working
his way up the television business over the years, and
(06:56):
he had reached out to me and said, hey, Ben,
I want to work with you.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
I want to get you a TV show.
Speaker 3 (07:03):
And I of course, immediately my kneesk reaction is, oh, yeah, right,
you know I'm getting punked here, and you're not gonna
give me a TV show.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
I'm doing an overnight radio show. I'm gonna get in
a TV show.
Speaker 3 (07:12):
You're gonna put a guy with a face for radio
on the National Broadcasting Company platform?
Speaker 1 (07:18):
Come on? Yeah? Right?
Speaker 3 (07:20):
And anyway, but he was a man of his word, Bill,
and he has been nothing but kind to me and
my wife, very generous and just just great.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
It was surreal.
Speaker 3 (07:31):
It really truly was surreal to do a TV show
from a studio at Universal Studios in Hollywood, a place
that I went as a kid. Remember I had a
meltdown on a tour when I was a little.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
Kid at a FAM reunion.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
I've been there many times of the years, just as
a tourist with people out of town, and to walk
the famous back lot and to not get arrested for
trespassing because I actually I had access to it. I
was allowed to be there, I believe long there to
be in the mix where so many great movies in
the heyday of Hollywood were made and TV shows and
(08:06):
iconic bigger than life celebrities worked And here I am,
my fat ass is walking around there and it was
just just awesome to walk around the sets and to
get the vibe. And sometimes they'd be shooting movies there
and we'd walk through it and they didn't you know,
they didn't care, and it was wonderful. And then another
experience that I've had the last couple of years to
(08:28):
see my ugly face promoting Benny versus the Penny On
a random Friday night Celtics game on NBC Sports Boston.
They had a little graphic my face would pop up
and then they said, coming up after the Celtic game,
after postgame, it's Benny versus the Penny, or you're doing
a Golden State Warrior game, or if it was early
(08:49):
in the football season the Giants San Francisco Giants broadcast,
or the old Oakland A's.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
In the Bay Area.
Speaker 3 (08:58):
It was mind blowing, it really was, right. It was
a huge ego boost. It was stupefying all that stuff,
and we got cleared in every major media market in
law in America. I mean, we were in Los Angeles
that we do the show from LA We were on
the Lakers station and they they had very little programming,
(09:18):
so they aired it like four or five times a
day on the weekends. We were in Chicago. I got
to text my cousins in Chicago say, hey, you got
to turn on the NBC Sports station, which no longer
is there, but at the time it was, and so
that was kind of cool. And my brother, who you
know in New York, who knows nothing, not a sports
(09:38):
guy at all, And my brother's like, hey, I was
at some pub in Manhattan and they had had sny
on and the show was on there.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
At this pub, and so that was cool.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
And then this last year we went on Peacock, which
opened it up to a lot of you that did
not get cable television anymore. So that was neat. So
the point is we were not just playing for the
Mallard Militia. Not that I don't love playing for the
Mallard Militia.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
I love it.
Speaker 3 (10:04):
You know, it's great, It's wonderful, right, It was a
wonderful thing that we have. We've got a good community
in the Mallard Militia, and you guys have been wonderful
and continue to be wonderful. The TV show gave us
a bigger audience, right, It's like off Broadway versus Broadway.
We had a larger stage, bigger crowds. We got to
grow the brand a little bit. And I would be remiss.
(10:25):
I also I don't do shout outs on radio. This
is a podcast, but a tremendous shout out to my
on air double play partner, the one and Only Television's
Tom Looney, my comrade, the Yin to my Yang, the
peanut Butter to my jelly. That sounds kind of weird,
tastes like a touchdown in your mouth.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
How dare you? But I know I've always worked very
well with Looney.
Speaker 3 (10:48):
I thought of all the people I've done shows with
over the years, the Blitz that myself and Looney did
many years ago. It was the greatest weekend show Fox
Sports Radio has I ever had. Management did not agree.
But we just play well off each other. We have
this good camaraderie. I don't believe in chemistry, but we
just we get each other's vibe. He brought the drama,
(11:10):
the fire, the flare, the razzle, dazzle, and I played
off that, and then I would throw fire in his face.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
And I have fond memories already, even though we'll be
doing more of these, I'm sure in the future.
Speaker 3 (11:23):
But the table reads at seven am at Universal Studios,
right across the hall from the studio where the stuff
of legend as we would do the dry run on
the show, and the little cubby hole studio with a
couple of chairs, a green screen at the camera, and
(11:43):
the couple of people behind the scenes there who made
that happen, and so it was all dream like.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
So this chapter has ended.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
Benny Versus the Penny on NBC has ended, as I
learned from one of my great heroes as a child,
when I was a little boy growing up. I don't
know if you are familiar with the work of doctor Seuss,
but doctor Seuss taught me not only greed, eggs and
ham sam I am. Doctor Seuss also taught me that.
(12:13):
And yes I'm using a doctor SEUs quote on this podcast.
Don't cry because it's over, Smile because it happened. And
that is my position. Oh Ben, you're going soft here, man,
No I'm not.
Speaker 1 (12:25):
I'm not.
Speaker 3 (12:26):
Now that said, this chapter may not be over. Like,
we've already got some feelers out there's some interest that's
been bubbling up here there.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
There will be more Benny Versus the Penny.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
That's why I'm not really all that upset, because I've
done Benny Versus the Penny for a long time on radio,
and I moved it to this podcast for a couple
of years with Danny g and we did it on
YouTube with Gascon for a period of time. It's now
been on television for a couple of years. So it's
(13:00):
just not gonna be on NBC for now.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
And who knows.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
Maybe down the line they'll come back to us and say, hey,
we like the show, we want to get it back. Now,
as to the nitty gritty on this fifth hour, the
question of why so, I'm going to try to be
proactive here, and the reason I want to be proactive
is because I just don't want to deal with the
nonsense of the email. I normally get a lot of
email on this. You guys have been great, and you're
(13:24):
like anything.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
I knew what happened, so why was it canceled? Now?
You gotta understand, in the media business, you never really
really know. There's always extenuating circumstances.
Speaker 3 (13:36):
However, I will tell you the people that I've dealt
with at the network have been wonderful. Right, and this
guy John, who's a Hall of Famer in Philadelphia produced
Phillies games with Harry Callous, just a great dude, seasoned
media guy oozes Philadelphia.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
So John.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
Had been very transparent, and I believe he wasn't blowing
any smoke or anything like that. Really do appreciate it.
This was not as I understand it. It was not
because the ratings. It wasn't as no one was watching.
We actually did well from Again, this is what I've
been told from some of the people that worked on
the show. We had some solid numbers in key demos
in certainly in Boston. There were some weeks that we
(14:17):
did really really well, like top three in the market,
which is great. However, you go understand, gambling is still
the wild wild West on television. It's a very dicey
ad market. A lot of advertisers don't want to be
involved in gambling because, let's face it, people lose money gambling, right,
That's what happens, and very conservative buyers. There's limited options,
(14:40):
there's limited inventory, and that's just the way it is.
I wish it was different, but that's the landscape. And
a lot of the gambling market, as I've been told,
has matured, which means they don't spend as much money
because they've got a good grip on it. So you
need more gambling markets to open up.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
Now. There will be another gold rush, and I hope that.
Speaker 3 (14:59):
I'm still doing Benny versus the Penny when California, If
the lunatics in California allows sports gambling, that will be
a massive gold rush. There'll be a lot of money there,
a lot of money to be made, but to take
you behind the scenes. So NBC has had been keeping
me and Tom Looney updated the original deadline. It was
(15:20):
kind of vague on the radio show, but the original
deadline was July first. Now we obviously blew way past July,
for we're in August now and as recently as last Friday.
So the last Friday in July, I was under the
belief that we had a deal. We had the framework,
the outline, the blueprint for season three. We had found
(15:43):
a title sponsor, we were actually going to be on
more affiliates than last year, that we were going to
cross over to some other channels that we weren't even
on in other markets. So I went to bed on
Friday night thinking that we were pretty much said to
the point where we had the schedule, and I was
(16:05):
looking at airfare on when to fly back to Boston
to film at NBC Sports Boston, when to film the
promotion for the TV show, And then, like a summer
storm in the desert, somehow between Friday and then Tuesday,
it all vanished. It turned to dust and that show business, right,
(16:29):
that show business. So this was actually my second run
at NBC. You might remember the old NBC Sports network,
You probably don't.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Not a lot of.
Speaker 3 (16:37):
People watched it, so yeah, that folded also, So I'm
batting a zero point zero zero at NBC. But you know,
you know what they say, when one door closes, another
one opens. Now sometimes sometimes there's a long hallway in between.
So we've got big plans for that hallway. Sunny days,
(17:01):
sunny days ahead. And to everyone who watched, who supported,
who promoted, who messaged other people to get them to watch,
or even those of you that are just haters and
ballbusters and you thought this was the dumbest show in
the world and you sent nasty messages from Afar, thank you.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
You were all part of the ride.
Speaker 3 (17:21):
You were all part of the journey and a great
chapter in my media career.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
And no matter what happens, I've got that in my
back pocket. So it's not over.
Speaker 3 (17:32):
And it's pretty late in the game this year. The
football season began last night kind of with the Fugeese
exhibition season, So we'll see what happens.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
But the penny has not flipped its last pick yet.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
And I was talking to Tom and we've we've got some.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
Logs on the.
Speaker 3 (17:51):
Fire and we'll see there's also the possibility that we
bring Benny Versus the Penny to a podcast format like this.
Speaker 1 (17:58):
There's other streaming services there's available. There's been some.
Speaker 3 (18:02):
Talk of Patreon as well. There's a lot of options
out there. So we will, we will have it for you,
and we'll let you know. Obviously we want you to listen.
So again, thank you. Not a sad day. Not a
sad day, it's a it's a pivot point. We will
return with another season of Benny Versus the Penny. Unfortunately,
will just not be with our friends over at NBC,
(18:25):
So turning the page on that. And this is very
random and sometimes the stars just aligned. But today is
National Homemade Pie Day.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
Now.
Speaker 3 (18:35):
The only reason I bring that up is because I
have a pie store, right and I'll give you that
story in a minute, But first, in honor of alf
the Alien, O Pinter and Ferg Dog and mister nice
Guy and all you knuckleheads.
Speaker 1 (18:50):
Fun facts about pie. Yeah, I've got fun facts about pie.
Speaker 3 (18:54):
Is it true that the ancient Egyptians are the earliest
known civilization to have had a pie dish?
Speaker 1 (19:04):
I'm nodding my head, yes. Now.
Speaker 3 (19:06):
It typically consisted from a deep dive on this. It
consisted of a crust made from wheat, oats, rye or barley,
and it was filled with honey.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
That sounds kind of like a granola bar, doesn't that
wheat oat honey? Isn't that a granola bar? Now?
Speaker 3 (19:25):
The ancient Greeks and Romans also had pastries similar to
what is known as today modern day pie. For example,
and for reference, the Romans often coated meat with a
pastry made out of flour, oil, and water. However, however,
the dough was only intended to help preserve the meat.
(19:48):
They didn't have refrigerators and things like that, not to
be eaten as a meal. So there's a Roman cookbook
that dates back to the first century that it was
discovered to contain recipes similar to pie cases, so is
that And then Terry and England or in Great Britain,
pies were mainly used as a covering to preserve meat also,
(20:13):
but that was when they were exploring the world the
long sea voyages, and fresh meat could not be obtained.
You can't really go hunting when you're in the middle
of the Atlantic Ocean. And during medieval times the pies
became more elaborate. The cooks tried out do each other. Allegedly,
they had grand banquets. It was all about the presentation,
(20:36):
and the pie was often the centerpiece. Now, one of
the interesting things of note here in.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
The pie world.
Speaker 3 (20:44):
It wasn't until the fifteenth century when pies usually only
contained meat or fish, but they became more of what
we have today with fruit. They had custard pies, and
it has been said that the very first pie was
baked for Queen Elizabeth the First and that was during
the sixteenth century about that. And then when the English
(21:09):
settled to America, they brought the pie. And the early
pies they brought were thick, heavy crust or a rigid flour.
And shortly after that it became a trademark of America. Right,
And we know it was a big jumping off point
(21:30):
was in World War two, right they said, soldiers were
asked why they were going off to war and they said,
for mom and apple pie.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
There you go.
Speaker 3 (21:39):
And now now to the great key Lime Caper, the
great key Lime Caper.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
So let me tell you something about key lime pie.
Speaker 3 (21:48):
Now I've learned this over the last year. It's not
just dessert. It's not now in Florida, it's some ways currency.
Some would call it a religion. In parts of Florida,
it's diplomacy. Now, if you grow up in California, you
probably love tacos and in and out Burger. My Guy
sports with Coleman. He didn't grow up. He's from Atlanta,
(22:10):
but he lived in Maryland so long. I would probably
say crap cakes are sacred. If you're from the Northeast
in Boston, you love the maybe you love the Canole's right, Texas,
it's you deep fry everything you call it, call it
a miracle. Everything's deep fried. In Cansa City, it's Ben
Mallard chicken fingers and barbecue brisket. But in Florida, you
(22:32):
gotta have some respect, put some respect on the pie.
So I bring this up because p one listener Bobby
from the Sunshine State, who apparently moonlights as both a
pastry ambassador and a pie whisper in his spare time.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
He has been very generous.
Speaker 3 (22:49):
He shipped off a coconut flavored key lime pie from
the Tropics to the main land. Now, I I did
not realize that there was even a coconut flavor key
lime pie. The only coconut I really eat. Is like
the Almond Joy candy bar, which was always the last
one in the.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
Bag on Halloween.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
So anyway, this pie arrived, and you don't ask questions,
You thank the pie gods. You split it evenly among friends,
You treat it with reverence as the pie deserves.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
Which brings us to the caper.
Speaker 3 (23:23):
So imagine the three musketeers, myself, Loreina, and Coop.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
There's one pie.
Speaker 3 (23:29):
So we have to divide the pie evenly, like ancient
treasure after a fierce battle.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
You got to divide what you've got. So I took
my slice, a very generous wedge. That still didn't feel
like enough, because you know, my name's on the show.
But it was. It was fine. It was a big
piece of pie.
Speaker 3 (23:49):
And I had the pie given to me by Lorena,
and she placed it on a party size paper plate,
you know, those flimsy, flimsy plates, and so it very
flims treacherous vessel, if you will, unworthy of the prestigious
cargo that that pie was that it carried.
Speaker 1 (24:07):
And so but I had to be ready, right.
Speaker 3 (24:10):
We had a long journey from the studio back to
the Malor mansion in the north Woods. Now, logically, one
would think that you just seat belt the pie in
you let it ride shotgun like a proper co pilot,
and you're fine. But no, because I live in a
fantasy world where highways stay open.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
At night, and normally they do for me. I work
the overnight shift. I'm driving when most people are still sleeping,
So I just assume the traffic's going to part like
the Red Sea, and construction zones will not materialize like
Poultergeist from the Underworld. Then I'll be fine.
Speaker 3 (24:49):
So for the first i'd say twenty five percent, first
quarter or so of the journey with the Pie, it
was on the seat next to me. It was exactly
like the pie gods had ordained.
Speaker 1 (24:59):
It was very smooth. Wasn't a lot of traffic. I
had the cruise control on.
Speaker 3 (25:03):
I was listening to some classic AM radio old school
buzzing softly in the background. I could practically taste that
delicious gram cracker crust, the whipped cream topping on top
of the key lime pie.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
And then the.
Speaker 3 (25:21):
Unexpected plot twist, the dreaded detour slow for the cone zone,
flashing lights. Right now, there was a parade as far
as I could see of tail lights, and I saw
a bunch of big rigs. I saw construction, some guy
probably named Carl, Probably named Carl, He.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
Had one of those reflective vest things on. He was waving.
Speaker 3 (25:47):
Traffic off to the surface street purgatory. So my plan
went up in smoke. Suddenly I am now Magellan Mallar
with Apple Matt. I am navigating uncharted urban terrain in
a CD part of town. They say nothing good happens
(26:08):
after a certain hour, and I was out at that hour. Now,
more importantly, I'm driving around and every turn I make,
every turn is putting that delicious pie in danger of
becoming roadkill. See, I can understand I had no choice.
I at that point became the pie sentinel. I made
(26:32):
a decision that I had to protect the pie.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
So my right hand.
Speaker 3 (26:39):
My right hand was getting a workout, was not getting
a workout. My right hand extended and I gripped that
flimsy plate, and I became Lady Liberty. I gripped it
like the statue of Liberty torch. Now my left hand
was steering the ship through turns.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
Right turn here, left turn there, red light here, yellow
light there, pothole to the side.
Speaker 3 (27:07):
All of this while I'm praying, if you will, I
don't know if that's the right word to the dessert gods.
Please just get this thing home in one piece. I
do not want to lose this pie. So we often
hear people talk about multitasking, and I kind of rolled
(27:28):
my eyes. I'm like, please, try holding a flimsy plate,
wobbly plate with creamy coconut flavored. It was like a
coconut flavored missile in the palm of your hand while
cornering at twenty five miles an hour or more up
(27:49):
to forty, you know, try making a left turn with
one arm while mentally calculating the aerodynamics of what would
happen to that whip topping on top of the So
this was in many ways a symbiotic relationship.
Speaker 1 (28:03):
At that moment, I became one with the pie.
Speaker 3 (28:06):
And by mile nineteen on my journey, I was sweating
like I had just run the Boston Marathon, and I
was wearing a parka. While I was doing my right
arm was locked in position like the old days when
you used to have to hail a cab if you're
old enough to know what that was like. But I
was trying to hail a cab for an hour straight,
(28:26):
and I swear to you, and I'm not just talking
out of my took us.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
Here.
Speaker 3 (28:31):
I could feel the pie breathing, like the pie in
my head, the cartoon bubble of my head. Don't look
at me like that alf and fer dog in my head.
The pie knew what was on the line here. The
pie knew the steaks here if something went wrong, and
it turned out, there was a great pie miracle.
Speaker 1 (28:52):
That pie survived. Not a smear of whipped.
Speaker 3 (28:56):
Cream or key lime on the upholstery, not a not
a droplet of anything from the crust. Nothing was displaced,
no casualties, no cleanup, no ruined upholstery.
Speaker 1 (29:09):
It reached the Malor.
Speaker 3 (29:11):
Mansion intact, untouched. And then, to quote one of the
great characters in the history of Hollywood from the Austin
Powers franchise, Fat Bastard, I said to that pie, get
in my belly, is what I said. And I devoured
that thing like I hadn't eaten in weeks. It was sweet,
(29:31):
it was tangy, it was everything. The crust had the
integrity that I was looking for. The filling was a
citrus symphony, and while not as good, not as good
as the original of the strawberry because of the intense
coconut flavor, it was still delectable. So I wanted to
(29:53):
write a thank you letter to Bobby and maybe we
should nominate his pie generosity for the No Peace Prize
in the Mall of Militia. Instead, I said, well, you know,
I don't really have his email, so I'll just tell
the story right here on the podcast. So what is
the point of all this? Get to the point please, Well,
it's simple. There are moments in the road of life
(30:16):
where you're tested.
Speaker 1 (30:18):
Said, well, this is not a test, but a test
is when you lose your job or a test, is it?
Speaker 3 (30:22):
No, this was a test, right, and it wasn't a
huge test, but you're asked to call to rise above.
There some men that carry torches, some men carry flags,
and then there's some in the middle of the night
that carry a coconut key lime pie down fifty miles
(30:43):
of asphalt just to bring sweetness home. So God bless you, Bobby,
and thank you so much. God blessed that pie lived
a good life. And hey, my arm got a nice workout,
my arch outstretched right arm.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
That kept that pile. All right, we'll get out on that.
Speaker 3 (31:02):
We'll have new podcasts all weekend, including a Malor Mover
Malor movie review. Easy for me to say, Malor movie review.
We will get to all of that as we go
through the weekend. Danny should be with me on the
Saturday and Sunday Mailbag podcast. If you do want a
Sunday letter in for the mail bag, you can do that,
(31:22):
but you should probably do it by probably this afternoon.
I would say Real fifth Hour at gmail dot com.
You can join legends like Man Ryan from Shrewsbury and
Barry from South Carolina and Ferg Dog and mister Irrigation
and so many other legends that are regular Reggie from
(31:45):
Detroit who are part of.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
That mail bag.
Speaker 3 (31:47):
So Real fifth Hour at gmail dot com. Have a
wonderful rest of your Friday and we will yap at
you tomorrow as the podcast does not stop later Skater,
Oh wait, Danny, you want me to say? Oh, that's right,
Austa Pasta.
Speaker 1 (32:05):
That's a Danny Lion, That's a Danny g Lion. I
said it. It's the why are you still listening? The
podcast is over. There's nothing else. It's over come on
Kabbooms.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
of the old Republic, a soul fashion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto cutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
The Clearinghouse of Hot takes break free for something special.
The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now.
Speaker 3 (00:28):
In the air everywhere. The Fifth Hour with Me, Ben
Maler and Danny G Radio who will join us at
some point over the weekend. Well, my marketing campaign has
paid off. We have gotten you to show up here
to this edition, a special spicy edition of The Fifth
Hour as we kick off the weekend. If you're new
(00:51):
here and you heard me blatantly promoting over the top
promotion on the Overnight Show, which we just ended a
few hours ago, thank you, Thank you for being here.
We do this podcast every weekend, myself and Danny G.
Danny normally joins me on Saturday and Sunday and sometimes
on Friday, but it's just me here as we kick
(01:12):
off the month of August. So the big reveal we
are moments away from the big reveal on the edition
of the Fifth Hour we have this edition, we have
the penny has dropped and the Great key Lime Caper,
among other things. But we'll focus on that and let's
get the party started.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
Don't waste what are you doing? Bet? You made me
come to this dumb podcast. I don't want to be
here all right. Listen.
Speaker 3 (01:39):
After months of chatter among the mal Or militia, so
many of you have sent me emails. We only have
read a few of them on this podcast and on
the radio show. I've gotten heartfelt letters, people that love
Benny versus the penny.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
There have been social media.
Speaker 3 (01:55):
Posts, all of the good vibrations, all of them. Well, today,
today is the day the cat is out of the bag.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
You have come to the right place.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
We have saved this announcement for here on the Fifth
Hour podcast because this news is so important, right, so
crucial that we want the hardcore p ones who are
the foundation, the salt of the Earth and the Mala
militia to hear it directly from us, not just in
a short radio segment. We have a lot more time
(02:27):
here on the podcast format.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
Now. It also does not hurt.
Speaker 3 (02:32):
I'm not gonna lie to artificially boost the downloads on
the Fifth Hour podcast.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Man, Hey, full transparency, kids.
Speaker 3 (02:38):
We got a podcast to do every weekend, and if
I'm gonna do it, we might as well drive people
to the podcast. Now, regardless of that, the news is real.
Our long national nightmare is over. The decision has been
made on the future of Benny Versus The Penny on
television in twenty twenty five, after all this time.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
So let's make it some fun, right, let's make it fun.
Speaker 3 (03:01):
We'll have multiple choice and I'll give you three options. A,
Option A and B. C picked up season three. We
are back baby later this month here in August, with
a full season all the way through the Super Bowl
in February. We'll have a preview show at the end
of August, the kickoff here in early September, and that
(03:24):
is just going to be amazing.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
Now.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
Option B the show was canceled. We were dumped by NBC.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
Option C none of the above, all right, So those
are the options.
Speaker 3 (03:37):
You got it. A. NBC picked up season three. We're
back later this month. B the show was rudely canceled.
CEE none of the above, some other option right, Danny
G can you give me a drum roll, please go,
I need a drum roll, please all right, Reveal answers,
(03:58):
Reveal answers. Now, if you picked option A, you're a dreamer,
a lovely loser. God bless you, because the correct answer
is b. We have been put on waivers designated for assignment.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Oh oh, NBC will.
Speaker 3 (04:18):
Not will not be bringing back Benny Versus the Penny
for season three. You kill that now before you q
the sad trombone and activate an insurgency with the foot
Soldiers and the Mallord Militia. Let me stop you right now.
This is not a sad day. It is not seriously,
(04:38):
and I'm not blowing smoke here. I am Benny Brightside
on this one absolutely now. I found out this news
a little earlier in the week. It was not the
news I was hoping for about getting poll acts from
the TV show. But I've had time to process it,
I've had time to reflect, and I feel nothing but gratitude.
(04:59):
I got yeah to share that with you. Working on
Benny Versus the Penny with John, Kevin, Vinnie, the Ride
and Die team on that TV show was like breathing
in a breath of fresh air in a very stale
media world. I've heard over hers teamwork makes the dream work,
and these cats were pros, pros, detail freaks, meticulous, obsessed
(05:22):
with producing a quality show. They worked tremendously hard, They
stayed late, they cared. It wasn't just a cheeseball weekend
gambling show. It mattered right, and that was very important.
As you might imagine. You don't need to tell you that,
but you.
Speaker 1 (05:39):
Have to understand how much that meant to me. Right.
Speaker 3 (05:42):
Contrast that with much of my radio career as an adult,
where and I love radio, I'm not. I love the business,
but for better or worse, I've often been surrounded by
people that don't have that. I've been a one man band,
surrounded by folks who treat the job like it's the
d and first one out of the building, last one
(06:03):
in the antithesis of what we hear here with NFL
training camps going on, where every quarterback's got to be
the first one in, last one out. Well, and in
my experience working with a lot of people over the
years in radio, many of them have been first one
out of the building, last one in. So as a result,
I've felt like the onus has been on me, I've
had to overprepare just to carry the load. Not that
(06:23):
I wouldn't have done that, a lot of that anyway.
So this TV experience this.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
Time was just different.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
It was energizing, right, It was really cool and of
course a massive thank you to Bill Brighton.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
You might not know who that is.
Speaker 3 (06:36):
If you're not in television or media, you may not
know his name. However, he is the big cheese over
at NBC who believed in the gas bag you're listening
to right now when few others would. He had been
a listener to the Overnight Show as he was working
his way up the television business over the years, and
(06:56):
he had reached out to me and said, hey, Ben,
I want to work with you.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
I want to get you a TV show.
Speaker 3 (07:03):
And I of course, immediately my kneesk reaction is, oh, yeah, right,
you know I'm getting punked here, and you're not gonna
give me a TV show.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
I'm doing an overnight radio show. I'm gonna get in
a TV show.
Speaker 3 (07:12):
You're gonna put a guy with a face for radio
on the National Broadcasting Company platform?
Speaker 1 (07:18):
Come on? Yeah? Right?
Speaker 3 (07:20):
And anyway, but he was a man of his word, Bill,
and he has been nothing but kind to me and
my wife, very generous and just just great.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
It was surreal.
Speaker 3 (07:31):
It really truly was surreal to do a TV show
from a studio at Universal Studios in Hollywood, a place
that I went as a kid. Remember I had a
meltdown on a tour when I was a little.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
Kid at a FAM reunion.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
I've been there many times of the years, just as
a tourist with people out of town, and to walk
the famous back lot and to not get arrested for
trespassing because I actually I had access to it. I
was allowed to be there, I believe long there to
be in the mix where so many great movies in
the heyday of Hollywood were made and TV shows and
(08:06):
iconic bigger than life celebrities worked And here I am,
my fat ass is walking around there and it was
just just awesome to walk around the sets and to
get the vibe. And sometimes they'd be shooting movies there
and we'd walk through it and they didn't you know,
they didn't care, and it was wonderful. And then another
experience that I've had the last couple of years to
(08:28):
see my ugly face promoting Benny versus the Penny On
a random Friday night Celtics game on NBC Sports Boston.
They had a little graphic my face would pop up
and then they said, coming up after the Celtic game,
after postgame, it's Benny versus the Penny, or you're doing
a Golden State Warrior game, or if it was early
(08:49):
in the football season the Giants San Francisco Giants broadcast,
or the old Oakland A's.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
In the Bay Area.
Speaker 3 (08:58):
It was mind blowing, it really was, right. It was
a huge ego boost. It was stupefying all that stuff,
and we got cleared in every major media market in
law in America. I mean, we were in Los Angeles
that we do the show from LA We were on
the Lakers station and they they had very little programming,
(09:18):
so they aired it like four or five times a
day on the weekends. We were in Chicago. I got
to text my cousins in Chicago say, hey, you got
to turn on the NBC Sports station, which no longer
is there, but at the time it was, and so
that was kind of cool. And my brother, who you
know in New York, who knows nothing, not a sports
(09:38):
guy at all, And my brother's like, hey, I was
at some pub in Manhattan and they had had sny
on and the show was on there.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
At this pub, and so that was cool.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
And then this last year we went on Peacock, which
opened it up to a lot of you that did
not get cable television anymore. So that was neat. So
the point is we were not just playing for the
Mallard Militia. Not that I don't love playing for the
Mallard Militia.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
I love it.
Speaker 3 (10:04):
You know, it's great, It's wonderful, right, It was a
wonderful thing that we have. We've got a good community
in the Mallard Militia, and you guys have been wonderful
and continue to be wonderful. The TV show gave us
a bigger audience, right, It's like off Broadway versus Broadway.
We had a larger stage, bigger crowds. We got to
grow the brand a little bit. And I would be remiss.
(10:25):
I also I don't do shout outs on radio. This
is a podcast, but a tremendous shout out to my
on air double play partner, the one and Only Television's
Tom Looney, my comrade, the Yin to my Yang, the
peanut Butter to my jelly. That sounds kind of weird,
tastes like a touchdown in your mouth.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
How dare you? But I know I've always worked very
well with Looney.
Speaker 3 (10:48):
I thought of all the people I've done shows with
over the years, the Blitz that myself and Looney did
many years ago. It was the greatest weekend show Fox
Sports Radio has I ever had. Management did not agree.
But we just play well off each other. We have
this good camaraderie. I don't believe in chemistry, but we
just we get each other's vibe. He brought the drama,
(11:10):
the fire, the flare, the razzle, dazzle, and I played
off that, and then I would throw fire in his face.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
And I have fond memories already, even though we'll be
doing more of these, I'm sure in the future.
Speaker 3 (11:23):
But the table reads at seven am at Universal Studios,
right across the hall from the studio where the stuff
of legend as we would do the dry run on
the show, and the little cubby hole studio with a
couple of chairs, a green screen at the camera, and
(11:43):
the couple of people behind the scenes there who made
that happen, and so it was all dream like.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
So this chapter has ended.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
Benny Versus the Penny on NBC has ended, as I
learned from one of my great heroes as a child,
when I was a little boy growing up. I don't
know if you are familiar with the work of doctor Seuss,
but doctor Seuss taught me not only greed, eggs and
ham sam I am. Doctor Seuss also taught me that.
(12:13):
And yes I'm using a doctor SEUs quote on this podcast.
Don't cry because it's over, Smile because it happened. And
that is my position. Oh Ben, you're going soft here, man,
No I'm not.
Speaker 1 (12:25):
I'm not.
Speaker 3 (12:26):
Now that said, this chapter may not be over. Like,
we've already got some feelers out there's some interest that's
been bubbling up here there.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
There will be more Benny Versus the Penny.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
That's why I'm not really all that upset, because I've
done Benny Versus the Penny for a long time on radio,
and I moved it to this podcast for a couple
of years with Danny g and we did it on
YouTube with Gascon for a period of time. It's now
been on television for a couple of years. So it's
(13:00):
just not gonna be on NBC for now.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
And who knows.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
Maybe down the line they'll come back to us and say, hey,
we like the show, we want to get it back. Now,
as to the nitty gritty on this fifth hour, the
question of why so, I'm going to try to be
proactive here, and the reason I want to be proactive
is because I just don't want to deal with the
nonsense of the email. I normally get a lot of
email on this. You guys have been great, and you're
(13:24):
like anything.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
I knew what happened, so why was it canceled? Now?
You gotta understand, in the media business, you never really
really know. There's always extenuating circumstances.
Speaker 3 (13:36):
However, I will tell you the people that I've dealt
with at the network have been wonderful. Right, and this
guy John, who's a Hall of Famer in Philadelphia produced
Phillies games with Harry Callous, just a great dude, seasoned
media guy oozes Philadelphia.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
So John.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
Had been very transparent, and I believe he wasn't blowing
any smoke or anything like that. Really do appreciate it.
This was not as I understand it. It was not
because the ratings. It wasn't as no one was watching.
We actually did well from Again, this is what I've
been told from some of the people that worked on
the show. We had some solid numbers in key demos
in certainly in Boston. There were some weeks that we
(14:17):
did really really well, like top three in the market,
which is great. However, you go understand, gambling is still
the wild wild West on television. It's a very dicey
ad market. A lot of advertisers don't want to be
involved in gambling because, let's face it, people lose money gambling, right,
That's what happens, and very conservative buyers. There's limited options,
(14:40):
there's limited inventory, and that's just the way it is.
I wish it was different, but that's the landscape. And
a lot of the gambling market, as I've been told,
has matured, which means they don't spend as much money
because they've got a good grip on it. So you
need more gambling markets to open up.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
Now. There will be another gold rush, and I hope that.
Speaker 3 (14:59):
I'm still doing Benny versus the Penny when California, If
the lunatics in California allows sports gambling, that will be
a massive gold rush. There'll be a lot of money there,
a lot of money to be made, but to take
you behind the scenes. So NBC has had been keeping
me and Tom Looney updated the original deadline. It was
(15:20):
kind of vague on the radio show, but the original
deadline was July first. Now we obviously blew way past July,
for we're in August now and as recently as last Friday.
So the last Friday in July, I was under the
belief that we had a deal. We had the framework,
the outline, the blueprint for season three. We had found
(15:43):
a title sponsor, we were actually going to be on
more affiliates than last year, that we were going to
cross over to some other channels that we weren't even
on in other markets. So I went to bed on
Friday night thinking that we were pretty much said to
the point where we had the schedule, and I was
(16:05):
looking at airfare on when to fly back to Boston
to film at NBC Sports Boston, when to film the
promotion for the TV show, And then, like a summer
storm in the desert, somehow between Friday and then Tuesday,
it all vanished. It turned to dust and that show business, right,
(16:29):
that show business. So this was actually my second run
at NBC. You might remember the old NBC Sports network,
You probably don't.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Not a lot of.
Speaker 3 (16:37):
People watched it, so yeah, that folded also, So I'm
batting a zero point zero zero at NBC. But you know,
you know what they say, when one door closes, another
one opens. Now sometimes sometimes there's a long hallway in between.
So we've got big plans for that hallway. Sunny days,
(17:01):
sunny days ahead. And to everyone who watched, who supported,
who promoted, who messaged other people to get them to watch,
or even those of you that are just haters and
ballbusters and you thought this was the dumbest show in
the world and you sent nasty messages from Afar, thank you.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
You were all part of the ride.
Speaker 3 (17:21):
You were all part of the journey and a great
chapter in my media career.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
And no matter what happens, I've got that in my
back pocket. So it's not over.
Speaker 3 (17:32):
And it's pretty late in the game this year. The
football season began last night kind of with the Fugeese
exhibition season, So we'll see what happens.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
But the penny has not flipped its last pick yet.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
And I was talking to Tom and we've we've got some.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
Logs on the.
Speaker 3 (17:51):
Fire and we'll see there's also the possibility that we
bring Benny Versus the Penny to a podcast format like this.
Speaker 1 (17:58):
There's other streaming services there's available. There's been some.
Speaker 3 (18:02):
Talk of Patreon as well. There's a lot of options
out there. So we will, we will have it for you,
and we'll let you know. Obviously we want you to listen.
So again, thank you. Not a sad day. Not a
sad day, it's a it's a pivot point. We will
return with another season of Benny Versus the Penny. Unfortunately,
will just not be with our friends over at NBC,
(18:25):
So turning the page on that. And this is very
random and sometimes the stars just aligned. But today is
National Homemade Pie Day.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
Now.
Speaker 3 (18:35):
The only reason I bring that up is because I
have a pie store, right and I'll give you that
story in a minute, But first, in honor of alf
the Alien, O Pinter and Ferg Dog and mister nice
Guy and all you knuckleheads.
Speaker 1 (18:50):
Fun facts about pie. Yeah, I've got fun facts about pie.
Speaker 3 (18:54):
Is it true that the ancient Egyptians are the earliest
known civilization to have had a pie dish?
Speaker 1 (19:04):
I'm nodding my head, yes. Now.
Speaker 3 (19:06):
It typically consisted from a deep dive on this. It
consisted of a crust made from wheat, oats, rye or barley,
and it was filled with honey.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
That sounds kind of like a granola bar, doesn't that
wheat oat honey? Isn't that a granola bar? Now?
Speaker 3 (19:25):
The ancient Greeks and Romans also had pastries similar to
what is known as today modern day pie. For example,
and for reference, the Romans often coated meat with a
pastry made out of flour, oil, and water. However, however,
the dough was only intended to help preserve the meat.
(19:48):
They didn't have refrigerators and things like that, not to
be eaten as a meal. So there's a Roman cookbook
that dates back to the first century that it was
discovered to contain recipes similar to pie cases, so is
that And then Terry and England or in Great Britain,
pies were mainly used as a covering to preserve meat also,
(20:13):
but that was when they were exploring the world the
long sea voyages, and fresh meat could not be obtained.
You can't really go hunting when you're in the middle
of the Atlantic Ocean. And during medieval times the pies
became more elaborate. The cooks tried out do each other. Allegedly,
they had grand banquets. It was all about the presentation,
(20:36):
and the pie was often the centerpiece. Now, one of
the interesting things of note here in.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
The pie world.
Speaker 3 (20:44):
It wasn't until the fifteenth century when pies usually only
contained meat or fish, but they became more of what
we have today with fruit. They had custard pies, and
it has been said that the very first pie was
baked for Queen Elizabeth the First and that was during
the sixteenth century about that. And then when the English
(21:09):
settled to America, they brought the pie. And the early
pies they brought were thick, heavy crust or a rigid flour.
And shortly after that it became a trademark of America. Right,
And we know it was a big jumping off point
(21:30):
was in World War two, right they said, soldiers were
asked why they were going off to war and they said,
for mom and apple pie.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
There you go.
Speaker 3 (21:39):
And now now to the great key Lime Caper, the
great key Lime Caper.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
So let me tell you something about key lime pie.
Speaker 3 (21:48):
Now I've learned this over the last year. It's not
just dessert. It's not now in Florida, it's some ways currency.
Some would call it a religion. In parts of Florida,
it's diplomacy. Now, if you grow up in California, you
probably love tacos and in and out Burger. My Guy
sports with Coleman. He didn't grow up. He's from Atlanta,
(22:10):
but he lived in Maryland so long. I would probably
say crap cakes are sacred. If you're from the Northeast
in Boston, you love the maybe you love the Canole's right, Texas,
it's you deep fry everything you call it, call it
a miracle. Everything's deep fried. In Cansa City, it's Ben
Mallard chicken fingers and barbecue brisket. But in Florida, you
(22:32):
gotta have some respect, put some respect on the pie.
So I bring this up because p one listener Bobby
from the Sunshine State, who apparently moonlights as both a
pastry ambassador and a pie whisper in his spare time.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
He has been very generous.
Speaker 3 (22:49):
He shipped off a coconut flavored key lime pie from
the Tropics to the main land. Now, I I did
not realize that there was even a coconut flavor key
lime pie. The only coconut I really eat. Is like
the Almond Joy candy bar, which was always the last
one in the.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
Bag on Halloween.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
So anyway, this pie arrived, and you don't ask questions,
You thank the pie gods. You split it evenly among friends,
You treat it with reverence as the pie deserves.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
Which brings us to the caper.
Speaker 3 (23:23):
So imagine the three musketeers, myself, Loreina, and Coop.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
There's one pie.
Speaker 3 (23:29):
So we have to divide the pie evenly, like ancient
treasure after a fierce battle.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
You got to divide what you've got. So I took
my slice, a very generous wedge. That still didn't feel
like enough, because you know, my name's on the show.
But it was. It was fine. It was a big
piece of pie.
Speaker 3 (23:49):
And I had the pie given to me by Lorena,
and she placed it on a party size paper plate,
you know, those flimsy, flimsy plates, and so it very
flims treacherous vessel, if you will, unworthy of the prestigious
cargo that that pie was that it carried.
Speaker 1 (24:07):
And so but I had to be ready, right.
Speaker 3 (24:10):
We had a long journey from the studio back to
the Malor mansion in the north Woods. Now, logically, one
would think that you just seat belt the pie in
you let it ride shotgun like a proper co pilot,
and you're fine. But no, because I live in a
fantasy world where highways stay open.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
At night, and normally they do for me. I work
the overnight shift. I'm driving when most people are still sleeping,
So I just assume the traffic's going to part like
the Red Sea, and construction zones will not materialize like
Poultergeist from the Underworld. Then I'll be fine.
Speaker 3 (24:49):
So for the first i'd say twenty five percent, first
quarter or so of the journey with the Pie, it
was on the seat next to me. It was exactly
like the pie gods had ordained.
Speaker 1 (24:59):
It was very smooth. Wasn't a lot of traffic. I
had the cruise control on.
Speaker 3 (25:03):
I was listening to some classic AM radio old school
buzzing softly in the background. I could practically taste that
delicious gram cracker crust, the whipped cream topping on top
of the key lime pie.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
And then the.
Speaker 3 (25:21):
Unexpected plot twist, the dreaded detour slow for the cone zone,
flashing lights. Right now, there was a parade as far
as I could see of tail lights, and I saw
a bunch of big rigs. I saw construction, some guy
probably named Carl, Probably named Carl, He.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
Had one of those reflective vest things on. He was waving.
Speaker 3 (25:47):
Traffic off to the surface street purgatory. So my plan
went up in smoke. Suddenly I am now Magellan Mallar
with Apple Matt. I am navigating uncharted urban terrain in
a CD part of town. They say nothing good happens
(26:08):
after a certain hour, and I was out at that hour. Now,
more importantly, I'm driving around and every turn I make,
every turn is putting that delicious pie in danger of
becoming roadkill. See, I can understand I had no choice.
I at that point became the pie sentinel. I made
(26:32):
a decision that I had to protect the pie.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
So my right hand.
Speaker 3 (26:39):
My right hand was getting a workout, was not getting
a workout. My right hand extended and I gripped that
flimsy plate, and I became Lady Liberty. I gripped it
like the statue of Liberty torch. Now my left hand
was steering the ship through turns.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
Right turn here, left turn there, red light here, yellow
light there, pothole to the side.
Speaker 3 (27:07):
All of this while I'm praying, if you will, I
don't know if that's the right word to the dessert gods.
Please just get this thing home in one piece. I
do not want to lose this pie. So we often
hear people talk about multitasking, and I kind of rolled
(27:28):
my eyes. I'm like, please, try holding a flimsy plate,
wobbly plate with creamy coconut flavored. It was like a
coconut flavored missile in the palm of your hand while
cornering at twenty five miles an hour or more up
(27:49):
to forty, you know, try making a left turn with
one arm while mentally calculating the aerodynamics of what would
happen to that whip topping on top of the So
this was in many ways a symbiotic relationship.
Speaker 1 (28:03):
At that moment, I became one with the pie.
Speaker 3 (28:06):
And by mile nineteen on my journey, I was sweating
like I had just run the Boston Marathon, and I
was wearing a parka. While I was doing my right
arm was locked in position like the old days when
you used to have to hail a cab if you're
old enough to know what that was like. But I
was trying to hail a cab for an hour straight,
(28:26):
and I swear to you, and I'm not just talking
out of my took us.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
Here.
Speaker 3 (28:31):
I could feel the pie breathing, like the pie in
my head, the cartoon bubble of my head. Don't look
at me like that alf and fer dog in my head.
The pie knew what was on the line here. The
pie knew the steaks here if something went wrong, and
it turned out, there was a great pie miracle.
Speaker 1 (28:52):
That pie survived. Not a smear of whipped.
Speaker 3 (28:56):
Cream or key lime on the upholstery, not a not
a droplet of anything from the crust. Nothing was displaced,
no casualties, no cleanup, no ruined upholstery.
Speaker 1 (29:09):
It reached the Malor.
Speaker 3 (29:11):
Mansion intact, untouched. And then, to quote one of the
great characters in the history of Hollywood from the Austin
Powers franchise, Fat Bastard, I said to that pie, get
in my belly, is what I said. And I devoured
that thing like I hadn't eaten in weeks. It was sweet,
(29:31):
it was tangy, it was everything. The crust had the
integrity that I was looking for. The filling was a
citrus symphony, and while not as good, not as good
as the original of the strawberry because of the intense
coconut flavor, it was still delectable. So I wanted to
(29:53):
write a thank you letter to Bobby and maybe we
should nominate his pie generosity for the No Peace Prize
in the Mall of Militia. Instead, I said, well, you know,
I don't really have his email, so I'll just tell
the story right here on the podcast. So what is
the point of all this? Get to the point please, Well,
it's simple. There are moments in the road of life
(30:16):
where you're tested.
Speaker 1 (30:18):
Said, well, this is not a test, but a test
is when you lose your job or a test, is it?
Speaker 3 (30:22):
No, this was a test, right, and it wasn't a
huge test, but you're asked to call to rise above.
There some men that carry torches, some men carry flags,
and then there's some in the middle of the night
that carry a coconut key lime pie down fifty miles
(30:43):
of asphalt just to bring sweetness home. So God bless you, Bobby,
and thank you so much. God blessed that pie lived
a good life. And hey, my arm got a nice workout,
my arch outstretched right arm.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
That kept that pile. All right, we'll get out on that.
Speaker 3 (31:02):
We'll have new podcasts all weekend, including a Malor Mover
Malor movie review. Easy for me to say, Malor movie review.
We will get to all of that as we go
through the weekend. Danny should be with me on the
Saturday and Sunday Mailbag podcast. If you do want a
Sunday letter in for the mail bag, you can do that,
(31:22):
but you should probably do it by probably this afternoon.
I would say Real fifth Hour at gmail dot com.
You can join legends like Man Ryan from Shrewsbury and
Barry from South Carolina and Ferg Dog and mister Irrigation
and so many other legends that are regular Reggie from
(31:45):
Detroit who are part of.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
That mail bag.
Speaker 3 (31:47):
So Real fifth Hour at gmail dot com. Have a
wonderful rest of your Friday and we will yap at
you tomorrow as the podcast does not stop later Skater,
Oh wait, Danny, you want me to say? Oh, that's right,
Austa Pasta.
Speaker 1 (32:05):
That's a Danny Lion, That's a Danny g Lion. I
said it. It's the why are you still listening? The
podcast is over. There's nothing else. It's over come on
Host
Ben Maller
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