Dougal Sutherland: The more you connect, the less you connect!

The more you connect, the less you connect! 

Over recent years explosion of technology has helped us increase our connection with others, both in local communities and around the world. Many positives come from increased social connection, but one downside is when connecting with people outside the home leads you to “phub” significant people in the home, particularly your partner. 

Phubbing = phone + snub. It’s where your focus on connecting via your phone causes you to snub people in your immediate surrounds. Often occurs with a partner. 

Partners can play a crucial role in our wellbeing including helping with better work-life balance and wellbeing. 75% of people choose to share their emotional struggles with their partner as the first port of call. Partners are usually the most available people in our home life too. Good partner support is also associated with our own career success.   

On the other hand, phubbing has been linked to poorer quality of relations with partner, and lowered sense of self-esteem in the partner. 

 

What can people do about it? 

It’s not about throwing the baby out with the bathwater – it’s still important to connect with work colleagues and share work-related stressors with them. 

Wherever you are – be there! If you’re at work, connect with people at work. If you’re at home, connect with people at home. 

Set some limits around use of phones in your relationship e.g. no phones during dinner, not using phones after a certain time at night, not using them in bed. 

Workplaces also have a role to play in this by setting appropriate expectations around replying to emails, messages, etc., out-of-hours. Hard to be present with your partner if your boss is messaging you demanding an immediate response! 

 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:07):
You're listening to the Saturday Morning with Jack team podcast
from News Talks at be fubbing.

Speaker 2 (00:13):
That is, when you combine your phone and snubbing, you
might have been guilty of fubbing some of the people
in your life. I know that I'm guilty of fubbing
people from time to time, and I know that people
close to me could occasionally be guilty of fubbing as well.
Our clinical psychologist Google Sutherland from Umbrella Well Being as
with us this morning morning a Google.

Speaker 3 (00:35):
Yeah, good morning, Jack, and good to hear that you're
a self confessed fubber. Most of us will fub at times.

Speaker 2 (00:42):
It does you just you fall into the trap. And
this is the great irony of the digital age. Right.
So phones have made us all that more connected with
the world, but at the same time, in some respects,
they make us all the more disconnected.

Speaker 3 (00:55):
Yeah. Absolutely, I mean, yeah, there's many, many great things
about your phones and about being connected and everything that
goes with but fubbing is a real issue, I think,
particularly when we do it at home and we are,
you know, often our excuses, Oh I'm connecting with you know,

(01:16):
I'm connecting with my friends, almost from my workmates or
but actually in the process of connecting with with other
people via social media, where we're inadvertently ignoring the people
nearest and dearest to us. And we know that, particularly
for partners, that there's lots of benefits that people get

(01:37):
from from having a being in a supportive relationship with
their partner, and that can actually be undermined and weakened
a little bit if you're engaging in fubbing.

Speaker 2 (01:46):
That's interesting and so so is it specifically when you are,
you know, on social media talking to other people, liking
posts and that kind of thing, or is it more
just if your partner is on their phone all the time.

Speaker 3 (01:59):
Yeah, I think we shouldn't lay too much or we
can't lay it completely all the blame completely at the
door of of social mediams. But you know, social media.
But I think it's just magnified and highlighted by social media.
But for example, you know, seventy five percent of people
say that they choose to share their emotional struggles with

(02:21):
their partners their first port of call. And having a
good relationship, you know, good partner relationships really associated with
better well being and better work life balance. So partners
play a strong role in our well being and generally
and our well being at work, and inadvertently ignoring them

(02:42):
is probably to not only our detriment, but the detriment
of your relationship in the long term.

Speaker 2 (02:46):
Yeah, because so, like farthing has been linked to poor
equality of relationships. So or put, poor equality of relations
with your partner.

Speaker 3 (02:56):
That's right, Yeah, poor equality of relationships, which is understandable
right if you're not if you're not investing in that
relationship regularly, then down also weirdly connected with partners reporting
a lower sense of self esteem about themselves. And that's
probably because linked there is sort of feeling ignored in

(03:17):
a relationship because you know, your partner's always on their
device talking to other people. Gosh, I must not really
be worth very much kind of thing, right, So you know,
it can have a detrimental effect both on your relationship
and on your own wellbeing and on your partner as well.

Speaker 2 (03:32):
So what can people do about it?

Speaker 3 (03:34):
Well, look, don't throw the baby out with the bath water.
I mean, I tend to be you know, a bit
black and white about things at times, and it could
easily go wow, I just don't use it ever, So
don't do that. I mean, that would be silly and
probably probably yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah, But I think
my golden rule is often you know wherever you are

(03:56):
being in this. So if you are at home, you know,
be present at home, and if you're at work, be
present at work. Now that doesn't mean one hundred percent
of your time. You're always focused on that, but be
aware of where your your attention is and try to
be present wherever you are. Again, so if you're at

(04:17):
home with your partner, if you're at and you can
set some I don't know if you want to call
them rules, but you could set some kind of agreements
between you, like you know, I know lots of families
have the rule about no devices at the dinner table,
for example, and that's a really good one. There's lots
of benefits that come from eating a meal together. Some

(04:40):
people have an agreement that they don't use phones after
a certain time at night, you know, nine o'clock we're
going to put our phones away so that we can
just be together. And for partners, you know, you could
have something, well, let's not use our devices and Beard,
I'm sure there are other things that we can do
to connect and entertain ourselves. And Beard apart from being
on phone. Yeah, so those might be some I wouldn't

(05:01):
want to call them rules. I just you know, maybe
they can be agreements between each other around when and
how we use technology at home.

Speaker 2 (05:11):
So both my wife and I are on our phones
a lot. You know, I'll cop to that. But one
thing I find is that actually, like carving out space,
it's not just carving out space when not to use phones,
but also carving out space when you can use phones
is a good you know, like you want you kind
of want a bit of yin and yang, a bit
of carrot and step kind of thing. And yeah, and

(05:32):
so like last night, for example, I know that a
way that my wife really de stresses at the end
of the day sometimes is just to muck around on
social media and look at her phone, look at funny
videos and that kind of thing. And I really like
listening to podcasts, and you know, it's kind of the
same thing that, you know, that's what I do and
that's what she does, and that's fine. And so last

(05:52):
night for about half an hour, I pot around the
house listening to podcasts and she was shilling on the
couch looking at videos and things. And then afterwards we
both put our phones away and were able to kind
of be really present with each other. But sometimes it
actually just I think, make it easier to have that,
you know, to draw a bit of a line in
the sand if you if you do, create a bit
of space for it as well.

Speaker 3 (06:14):
Yeah, absolutely, And I think you know what I like
there is that there's sort of an agreement about it. Hey,
you know, we both recognize that it's a useful thing
for us to do. We're using it for ourselves to
kind of stress and and you know, get rid of,
you know, wash away the dregs of the day. But

(06:34):
also you know, there's obviously you guys are then coming
back together that. Yeah, and I like the deliberate nature
about that rather than because I think the danger with
cell phones and social media, et cetera is that you
kind of you know, you go down that rabbit hole
and you look up and it's sort of been two
or three hours and you haven't kind of meant to
spend that time, but it just sort of slips away.

(06:56):
So I like that. I like the deliberateness there around. Hey, look,
let's use it for a discreete period and then let's
reconnect with one another, recognizing that both are important.

Speaker 2 (07:05):
Yeah, totally. I thank you so much. Too great to
chat as always. Google. Sutherland is a clinical psychologist with
Umbrella Welding. It's quarter past eleven.

Speaker 1 (07:13):
For more from Saturday Morning with Jack Tame, listen live
to News Talks ed B from nine am Saturday, or
follow the podcast on iHeartRadio