March 14, 2025 • 7 mins
Having children is a rewarding experience for many, but it also takes a lot of time and energy.
It can be very time consuming, and often leaves parents feeling exhausted, with little time for themselves. And what little time they do get, some parents may feel they’re being selfish.
New research shows that mothers who took time out from work and childcare to do things that were fun and pleasurable felt higher levels of vitality – feeling more alert and energised.
Dougal Sutherland has a few takeaways from this study:
- It’s important for parents to have some me-time – this is more than just having time out; it’s actively doing something for fun and pleasure in life
- It’s not selfish, it helps them to function better
- Given the positive impact mothers’ me-time has on fathers, it’s actually something that benefits others too, so no need to feel guilty about it – and even if you do, go ahead and do it anyway as it will still work
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Speaker 1 (00:07):
You're listening to the Saturday Morning with Jack Teams podcast
from News Talks that Be.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Clinical psychologist Doogle Sutherland from Umbrella Well Being as with
Us this one in kilder Google.
Speaker 3 (00:18):
Cure to Jack. I was just listening about she had
and I was thinking, I've got the very first album
Uren on on CD somewhere the way downstairs. Ah, yeah,
which is quite a different it's quite a different sound
than the later stuff, but.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Well it's very heavy. Yeah, it's very very heavy, right,
very heavy? Yeah yeah yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I really you know, it's great just
for if you want something really really wore, that's the thing.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
So I reckon. I was thinking about this, who's the
best of New Zealand band? And I was like, oh,
you can make arguments for you know, like I guess
are we going to call crowded House in New Zealand band?
Speaker 1 (00:54):
You know?
Speaker 2 (00:55):
But I think if you're going like certainly down the
rock route, like if it's true rock, then absolutely yeah,
top of the list for me, you know, yeah yeah,
and for various others. Anyway, we are talking parenting this morning,
So my parenting technique when asked who the best of
a band was was to not try and explain that
it's in the eye of the beholder and that you know,
it's really up to each individual. It was simply to say,
(01:17):
she hard. But you've got some other parenting tips this morning.
And one of those simple tips for parents is that
parents actually have to focus on themselves a little bit.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
Yeah. Absolutely, And it's one of the things I think
parents really struggle with, particularly with they've got, you know,
and I was thinking about you guys with a new
baby and young kids. I think it's something particularly having
some time, you know that that kind of classic me time,
focused time for yourself is quite a difficult thing for
(01:49):
many parents because it comes with a layer of kind
of guilt or the sense that you're being judged by
other people if you if you if you take some
time out for yourself. But in fact we know that
taking some I'm not sure I love the two in
me time because it sounds a bit selfish. We'll go
with taking taking that me time is actually really the
(02:09):
research is shan's actually really beneficial not only for a
parent's well being, but also for the well being of
other people around them, and and so I you know,
it's I strongly support parents to be able to take
that that time out to focus on and it's more
than just sort of having time away from the kids.
(02:30):
You know, you can just say, oh, cool, well there
you know, daycare or whatever, but it's it's what the
research is really pointing to is actually doing something that
really engages you and and and it's pleasurable. So I'm
deliberately seeking out some things that are going to give
you pleasure and fun and and and energy.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
Really yeah, so that's that's really interesting that that it
kind of is not just time away from the kids,
it's actually something for yourself. So I'm not I swear
I'm not just trying to go for a husband of
the Year here. But this week, this week's been my
first first week back full time at work, So my
wife's been at home with the baby, and you know,
it's like it's great, but it's also grueling. And so
(03:16):
when I've been getting home, I've been like walking through
the front door and being like right, tag you go,
And she's been rushing off and going to the mall
and getting like a cheap more massage. But she's loving it.
Like it's really like I noted, Like she comes back
and it's already like, so you know, it's just so
good even just to go for half an hour. It's
just like you really can see the kind of benefits.
Speaker 3 (03:37):
Ah, yeah, you can. And that's kind of there's some
recent research out that sort of hits on exactly that thing.
Is that actually if if and it was particularly focused
on mothers, that mothers who went out and did that
kind of thing had higher levels of what they call vitality,
and vitality is really being alert and energized and having energy,
(04:03):
and that people who or mums who did this had
those much higher levels of energy. It was almost like
the metaphor I can think of it. It's really like
recharging your batteries. Yeah. And the interesting spin off too
was that in the research they found that mother's levels
of vitality predicted their partner's levels of vitality as well.
(04:24):
So if you've got if you've got an energetic vital
you know, mother, then often the partners that flows into
the partners as well, which shows I think the benefits
to the whole family really of being able to just
have that recharge time.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
Yeah. See, I reckon for a lot of parents, the
one of the challenges that they just feel about guilty.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
Ah, Yes, guilt's a huge thing I think, and I
think like thinking about my own parenting journey. But also
I worked with like hundreds of sort of families over
I guess the last twenty five years or so, that
that guilt that they've got it wrong or that they're
doing something wrong, it really comes. I think it has
(05:06):
a huge throw on lots of aspects of parenting and
really often it doesn't need to, but but I appreciate
that it does. But often that guilt, I think, can
can prevent people from doing something, in this case taking
time out for themselves. So I think it's really important
to be aware that you might feel guilty. But actually
(05:27):
this research showed that that that you can feel the
guilt and still do it anyway and it's still had
an impact. So it's a bit like feeling the fear
and doing it anyway.
Speaker 2 (05:35):
And it's actually beneficial for everyone. That's the kind of
key point.
Speaker 3 (05:39):
Yeah. Look, the idea is that if you again going
back to that battery metaphor, if your batteries are low
in terms of energy, then then you aren't very good
at engaging with anybody really, you know, you can only
do it and you. When we're energy levels are low,
we tend to lose our you know, lose our call
about or be much less patient. And that's not particularly
(06:02):
useful for anybody. You're a bit less engaged. And we
know it's crucial for parents to be actively engaged with
their children, looking at them, interacting with them, talking to them.
And that's harder to do if you have if you
have low levels of energy. And and look, it can
be anything. You know, somebody you know, like your your
your wife going out to have a massage is her thing.
(06:25):
My wife at the moment has spent the morning herkle
dirkling and so that's that's her, that's her thing that
she's doing.
Speaker 2 (06:32):
Just to research, just remind us what herkle gurkling is.
Speaker 3 (06:36):
Herkle dirkling is an old Scottish term that means lying
around in beard not doing very much. And we got
some we've got some friends and then Eden who often
will text and say, oh what are you doing and
they say, oh, we've just been hurkle gurkling sort of
stage of just you know, lying in and out of
beer and you know, getting up and you know, you
(06:57):
reminded me of it. Earlier this morning when you I
think you were talking about, you know what sort of
your day you're going to have you doing it? You
might just want to stay in your pajamas and watch
TV or something and that that that Herkle.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
Kind of Yeah, I'm into it. That's great, very good.
It wouldn't be bad on a triple word score as
well a hirkle Dirk.
Speaker 3 (07:14):
Would it absolutely scrabble and bed?
Speaker 2 (07:18):
Yeah, very good. Thanks to love it Tle Sutherland from
Umbrella Well being there. We'll put all of that buys
up on the News Talks. He'd be website of course.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
For more from Saturday Morning with Jack Tame. Listen live
to News Talks he'd be from nine am Saturday, or
follow the podcast on iHeartRadio
You're listening to the Saturday Morning with Jack Teams podcast
from News Talks that Be.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Clinical psychologist Doogle Sutherland from Umbrella Well Being as with
Us this one in kilder Google.
Speaker 3 (00:18):
Cure to Jack. I was just listening about she had
and I was thinking, I've got the very first album
Uren on on CD somewhere the way downstairs. Ah, yeah,
which is quite a different it's quite a different sound
than the later stuff, but.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Well it's very heavy. Yeah, it's very very heavy, right,
very heavy? Yeah yeah yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I really you know, it's great just
for if you want something really really wore, that's the thing.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
So I reckon. I was thinking about this, who's the
best of New Zealand band? And I was like, oh,
you can make arguments for you know, like I guess
are we going to call crowded House in New Zealand band?
Speaker 1 (00:54):
You know?
Speaker 2 (00:55):
But I think if you're going like certainly down the
rock route, like if it's true rock, then absolutely yeah,
top of the list for me, you know, yeah yeah,
and for various others. Anyway, we are talking parenting this morning,
So my parenting technique when asked who the best of
a band was was to not try and explain that
it's in the eye of the beholder and that you know,
it's really up to each individual. It was simply to say,
(01:17):
she hard. But you've got some other parenting tips this morning.
And one of those simple tips for parents is that
parents actually have to focus on themselves a little bit.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
Yeah. Absolutely, And it's one of the things I think
parents really struggle with, particularly with they've got, you know,
and I was thinking about you guys with a new
baby and young kids. I think it's something particularly having
some time, you know that that kind of classic me time,
focused time for yourself is quite a difficult thing for
(01:49):
many parents because it comes with a layer of kind
of guilt or the sense that you're being judged by
other people if you if you if you take some
time out for yourself. But in fact we know that
taking some I'm not sure I love the two in
me time because it sounds a bit selfish. We'll go
with taking taking that me time is actually really the
(02:09):
research is shan's actually really beneficial not only for a
parent's well being, but also for the well being of
other people around them, and and so I you know,
it's I strongly support parents to be able to take
that that time out to focus on and it's more
than just sort of having time away from the kids.
(02:30):
You know, you can just say, oh, cool, well there
you know, daycare or whatever, but it's it's what the
research is really pointing to is actually doing something that
really engages you and and and it's pleasurable. So I'm
deliberately seeking out some things that are going to give
you pleasure and fun and and and energy.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
Really yeah, so that's that's really interesting that that it
kind of is not just time away from the kids,
it's actually something for yourself. So I'm not I swear
I'm not just trying to go for a husband of
the Year here. But this week, this week's been my
first first week back full time at work, So my
wife's been at home with the baby, and you know,
it's like it's great, but it's also grueling. And so
(03:16):
when I've been getting home, I've been like walking through
the front door and being like right, tag you go,
And she's been rushing off and going to the mall
and getting like a cheap more massage. But she's loving it.
Like it's really like I noted, Like she comes back
and it's already like, so you know, it's just so
good even just to go for half an hour. It's
just like you really can see the kind of benefits.
Speaker 3 (03:37):
Ah, yeah, you can. And that's kind of there's some
recent research out that sort of hits on exactly that thing.
Is that actually if if and it was particularly focused
on mothers, that mothers who went out and did that
kind of thing had higher levels of what they call vitality,
and vitality is really being alert and energized and having energy,
(04:03):
and that people who or mums who did this had
those much higher levels of energy. It was almost like
the metaphor I can think of it. It's really like
recharging your batteries. Yeah. And the interesting spin off too
was that in the research they found that mother's levels
of vitality predicted their partner's levels of vitality as well.
(04:24):
So if you've got if you've got an energetic vital
you know, mother, then often the partners that flows into
the partners as well, which shows I think the benefits
to the whole family really of being able to just
have that recharge time.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
Yeah. See, I reckon for a lot of parents, the
one of the challenges that they just feel about guilty.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
Ah, Yes, guilt's a huge thing I think, and I
think like thinking about my own parenting journey. But also
I worked with like hundreds of sort of families over
I guess the last twenty five years or so, that
that guilt that they've got it wrong or that they're
doing something wrong, it really comes. I think it has
(05:06):
a huge throw on lots of aspects of parenting and
really often it doesn't need to, but but I appreciate
that it does. But often that guilt, I think, can
can prevent people from doing something, in this case taking
time out for themselves. So I think it's really important
to be aware that you might feel guilty. But actually
(05:27):
this research showed that that that you can feel the
guilt and still do it anyway and it's still had
an impact. So it's a bit like feeling the fear
and doing it anyway.
Speaker 2 (05:35):
And it's actually beneficial for everyone. That's the kind of
key point.
Speaker 3 (05:39):
Yeah. Look, the idea is that if you again going
back to that battery metaphor, if your batteries are low
in terms of energy, then then you aren't very good
at engaging with anybody really, you know, you can only
do it and you. When we're energy levels are low,
we tend to lose our you know, lose our call
about or be much less patient. And that's not particularly
(06:02):
useful for anybody. You're a bit less engaged. And we
know it's crucial for parents to be actively engaged with
their children, looking at them, interacting with them, talking to them.
And that's harder to do if you have if you
have low levels of energy. And and look, it can
be anything. You know, somebody you know, like your your
your wife going out to have a massage is her thing.
(06:25):
My wife at the moment has spent the morning herkle
dirkling and so that's that's her, that's her thing that
she's doing.
Speaker 2 (06:32):
Just to research, just remind us what herkle gurkling is.
Speaker 3 (06:36):
Herkle dirkling is an old Scottish term that means lying
around in beard not doing very much. And we got
some we've got some friends and then Eden who often
will text and say, oh what are you doing and
they say, oh, we've just been hurkle gurkling sort of
stage of just you know, lying in and out of
beer and you know, getting up and you know, you
(06:57):
reminded me of it. Earlier this morning when you I
think you were talking about, you know what sort of
your day you're going to have you doing it? You
might just want to stay in your pajamas and watch
TV or something and that that that Herkle.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
Kind of Yeah, I'm into it. That's great, very good.
It wouldn't be bad on a triple word score as
well a hirkle Dirk.
Speaker 3 (07:14):
Would it absolutely scrabble and bed?
Speaker 2 (07:18):
Yeah, very good. Thanks to love it Tle Sutherland from
Umbrella Well being there. We'll put all of that buys
up on the News Talks. He'd be website of course.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
For more from Saturday Morning with Jack Tame. Listen live
to News Talks he'd be from nine am Saturday, or
follow the podcast on iHeartRadio
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