April 24, 2024 • 34 mins
Our favorite relationship expert Matthew Hussey is here to discuss his new book, "Love Life" in stores now!
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Today's Daily Highlight from Elvis Duran in the Morning Show.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
I'm from the.
Speaker 3 (00:05):
Mercedes Benz Interview Lounge.
Speaker 4 (00:09):
When is it not a great time to have Matthew
Hussey pay us a visit? I hope not today. Hi Matthew, Hello, welcome, Hello,
I did go. I went immediately to Cuckney. Then don't
let me bring Andrew in here. You know, when Andrew
does his Matthew Hussey impersonationing, it can't be called a
Matthew Hussey impersonation. It's some sort of strange Dick Van Dyke,
(00:32):
Mary Poppins, Chimney sweet things. It's not good.
Speaker 5 (00:37):
I can't believe any of you think it's good. It is.
Speaker 4 (00:39):
It's good. It's a caricature of your voice. It's not
your voice. That enough of that. You have a book, Okay,
I think today is day day two. The book is out. Correct,
the book is officially out. Yeah, it was out yesterday,
so people can order it now. Congratulations, then congratulations, and
you know what, and it's too early because it's only
a day in. But when they put that gold New
York Time best Seller emblem on the front, don't jinx it. No, no,
(01:03):
it's gonna happen. It's gonna happen thanks to the power
of this show.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Is it on audible?
Speaker 1 (01:10):
And do you do the the voiceover?
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Voiceover?
Speaker 5 (01:13):
No, Andrew does. Andrew narrates it the entire or the open.
Speaker 4 (01:19):
Andrew, Let's let's see how that would sound. I need
I need some love music in the background. And then
then we got to talk about the book what it's
all about, because I have thoughts here and Andrew. Everyone,
all right, okay, uh here, grab grab the book. Do
you have any love music? Okay, okay, good morning, Okay,
(01:43):
this is not Matthew Hussey, this is an impersonator. Andrew.
Good morning, Andrew, Good morning everyone. How are you okay?
Speaker 2 (01:50):
For good?
Speaker 3 (01:50):
Apparently I sound like Dick Van Dyke or you know,
Mary Poppins is something, but.
Speaker 4 (01:55):
All right, read a passage from your book, Matthew. All right.
Speaker 3 (01:57):
This one's from the chapter about red flags, treating people
badly when they don't think you're looking. This red flag
occurs when someone who's trying to impress you, seduce you,
sleep with you, or make you fall in love with
the person's a selective version of who they are. Bad
actors do this, sure, but so does everyone on the
(02:18):
best behavior.
Speaker 6 (02:19):
There you go.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
It's pretty good.
Speaker 4 (02:23):
I think I'd rather hear his version than your give
me my.
Speaker 5 (02:28):
Book you got to that sounded like David Attenborough.
Speaker 4 (02:37):
About thank you, Andrew, thank you. Don't go too far.
Writing a book is an interesting journey, is it not?
Speaker 7 (02:48):
So?
Speaker 4 (02:48):
I know you you turned in your first your first
draft to the publisher, and they looked at you and
said this is crap.
Speaker 5 (02:54):
They didn't say it was crap. Actually, I got an
email back from my publisher who I loved dearly and
I worked on her with her her. I worked with
her on my first book and it was all great.
And I sent her this email with chapters like first
chapters of this book. This was back in I must
have been twenty eighteen nineteen, and I said to her,
(03:16):
here it is like I was like so excited. I
was like, just wait till you see this late floating
above the trees. And she took a needle up and
popped it. She said. The first sentence, she said, was
I really wanted to like this.
Speaker 4 (03:29):
Oh oh it was.
Speaker 5 (03:30):
The first feeling. It was brutal. And she said it's
so angry. Well, she said, your tone here is so angry.
Were you angry at the time.
Speaker 4 (03:42):
Yes, okay, so you know what, But you know, the
thing is that you recognized that you were in a
dark space at that time, and the book came out dark.
That means you were honestly writing that book. I really was, Yeah,
and I was.
Speaker 5 (03:53):
I'd been going through for like five to god, at
that point, five or six years of my life. I'd
been going through real, like physical chronic pain in my
head and my ear. I had tenatus ringing in my
ears NonStop. I still have that, but I had like
pain in my ear in my head. That for anyone
who goes through physical chronic pain, you know, at a
certain point it starts to kind of you can get
(04:14):
quite bitter with it because you just start to it
takes you out of your life.
Speaker 4 (04:17):
So let's turn it around. Then, let's talk about how
your journey then turned into one that gave us this book,
which will be bestseller before you know it. I guarantee you.
I was skimming through, picked up a few things here
and there, and it was true, Matthew Hussey, it was you.
It sounds so good, it feels warm, it has texture,
it has taste. Even if you were blind, you would
(04:39):
see a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful work of art here. You
did a great job.
Speaker 5 (04:43):
Thank you so so much. It means the world to
me coming from you. I've been doing this show for
ten years of my life at this point, which is
crazy to me.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
You.
Speaker 5 (04:52):
I first came on the show when I was talking
about my first book, and so much has happened since then.
And also so much has happened. I feel like in
dating culture and the way people struggle to find love,
you know, everyone wants to find love. That desire to
find someone is universal. A lot of people don't want
(05:13):
to date, but they want to find love, and it's
hard for so many people out there. Right now, I
know there will be so many people listening who are
so scared that is never going to happen for them,
or up so sad that it hasn't worked out the
way they thought it would by this point in their life.
And what happens when that happens for long enough is
we have this fear and anxiety that it's never going
(05:36):
to happen. And when an internal culture of fear and
anxiety meets an external dating culture of people giving as
little as they can and taking as much as they
can that creates a recipe for us lowering our standards
and accepting less than we're worth. And that's what this
book is about.
Speaker 4 (05:56):
Dating is frightening. It can be if you learn it
and you become your worst enemy. Let's talk about it.
It's about relationships, right. We have relationship not only with people,
but with ourselves. We have relationships with money and food
and bosses and careers and an eft up world. Learning
how to figure out how to master all these relationships
makes you makes you stronger. Then therefore your relationship with
(06:18):
a person will have a better chance of succeeding.
Speaker 5 (06:20):
That's so true. I think we're in three relationships our
entire life. One is our relationship with other people, the
second is our relationship with ourselves, and the third is
our relationship with life itself. And I agree with you
one hundred percent. If those other two relationships with life
and with ourselves aren't great, it's going to impact everything.
Because one of the reasons we don't have high standards
(06:42):
is because we don't respect ourselves, we don't love ourselves,
and then we go to someone else. And if we
do have standards, they're almost like fake standards. They're like tactics.
If I play hard to get, this person will come
to me. But when a tactic doesn't work, we just
changed tactic. Oh, hard to get didn't work, Now let
(07:02):
me text them. But when it's a standard, you don't
change because you don't get the result you want. Like
there was a time when my wife, Audrey is in
the room right now, and Hi Adre.
Speaker 4 (07:16):
Hi Adrey, Hello, thanks for being here.
Speaker 5 (07:19):
There was a moment where when we were dating, I
was the one who was like doing the classic kind
of fading a little bit.
Speaker 4 (07:28):
We were game playing.
Speaker 5 (07:30):
Not even game playing, we were dating. We weren't like
in a relationship. At that point, she was living in London.
I flew back to la and I was like, I
can't The long distance thing didn't appeal to me. And
she hadn't heard from me for you know, a couple
of weeks at that point, and even before that, my
texts and stuff had started to become more sporadic. And
(07:52):
I did the class I look back on this now
and I cringe, But I did the thing where I
sent a message and said I miss you. And this
was after like a couple of weeks of no contact,
and she sent me the ultimate standards message back. Most
people in that situation, if they've got someone they like,
(08:12):
will get excited or they'll be like, I'm just glad
they texted me.
Speaker 4 (08:15):
How did she respond?
Speaker 5 (08:16):
She said, Hey, I hope you're well to be honest
when you say this. I'm not really sure what to say.
We haven't felt that close for a while, and rightly
or wrongly, this text comes off as a bid for attention.
Speaker 4 (08:34):
Wow, I for you, because you know what that is
called just I have nothing to lose. I just I'm
going to be honest. Here in text would have said bleep,
you ask you know what? Wow? What a to do?
It fair too, which is basically the same.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
So your other girls stopped talking to you, so now
you came back to yeah exactly.
Speaker 4 (08:55):
But could the could you're stumbling block in our our
hotholes as well as we call them, be that we're
out of another relationship where we didn't learn from it. Well, yeah,
and you know this is why a lot of people,
your friends will say to you, you keep repeating, you
keep dating the same idiots over and over. We're not
learning from the relationships that fail. That failing relationship could
(09:18):
be the answer to the right relationship on the way right.
Speaker 5 (09:23):
Yeah, And I don't think a lot of us ever
take enough time to really figure that out, or even
just enough space for our nervous system to calm down
from that last relationship, because we come out of these
relationships and they are very familiar to us. We're used
to a certain kind of toxicity, or we're used to
a certain kind of chaos, a certain kind of push.
(09:43):
Paul I had a woman. I write about this woman
in the book, and the book is called love Life.
For anyone who wants to know this woman, I coached
her and she is. She said to me, I was
with a guy for two years. It was really hard.
I never really felt safe. I was constantly kind of,
you know, chasing him. But I had this amazing chemistry
(10:03):
with him. And now I'm out there dating again, and
I feel like I don't have that feeling with the
people who want me. She said, what can I do?
How can I find that same feeling with someone who
wants me? And I had to point out that the
feeling she felt in the last relationship was actually an
unnatural feeling to begin with. What she was calling chemistry
(10:25):
was really constant, never ending anxiety and The truth is
that feeling we have when we chase someone in early
dating that creates all of that excitement, it never ends.
If you're in a relationship where you still feel like
you're chasing the person, where you feel like you're never
really safe, you're never really secure. It's like the frenetic
anxiety of early dating never ends. And then when that
(10:49):
person inevitably leaves us or betrays us, or cheats or
doesn't want to want us anymore, we go looking for
that feeling again. And you're not going to have that
same feeling with someone who actually turns to meet you
and starts asking you questions about yourself because they're genuinely
interested in you and you feel safe with.
Speaker 3 (11:07):
But don't some people just like the chase, like that's
what they love, like getting the person, and when they
get the person, they get.
Speaker 4 (11:13):
Bored or don't you get tired of chasing, And.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Maybe some people don't.
Speaker 4 (11:16):
I don't know, you.
Speaker 5 (11:16):
Think so, well, that's the thing you have to decide
what to value in life, because there are certain feelings
that if you value them, there are certain highs that
if you value them above all else, you'll spend a
life chasing those highs and that's okay, but there are
consequences to that, and most of us don't want those consequences.
At a certain point, we realize, oh, this isn't working
(11:37):
for me anymore. So I don't think there's it's no
judgment for people who are in that phase of their life,
and most people have been through that phase of their
life in one way or another. But at a certain point,
I think we have to look at it and go,
is this making me happy? Like I do I feel
a sense of calm or peace? Or am I constantly
on edge?
Speaker 1 (11:57):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (11:58):
Go, go, okay, start writing it. Repeat what you just said.
I think this is important. You're in the chase with
this individual you're having a relationship with. You know that
you have the craziness, the late nights of being worried
and not feeling settled. You forget about checking in with yourself.
(12:18):
Is what you just said.
Speaker 5 (12:19):
Say it again, am I Is this actually making me happy?
Or am I just constantly trying to get this person
without paying attention to how I actually feel?
Speaker 1 (12:30):
Yeah? So on that note, somebody once said to me
that the common denominator and every failed relationship that someone
will have, specifically me, is me. I'm the person that's
constant in all of these different things. So if I'm
not learning something from every failed relationship, because of course,
we want to look at the other person and be like, well,
this is what they did wrong. You're never going to
change the other person. You can only change yourself. But
(12:51):
how do you nicely say that to your friends who
keep going down this path and saying everybody's crazy, everyone
is making the wrong choice. I just always wanted to
with a crazy person.
Speaker 5 (13:01):
Yeah, that's an Look, they're not. They may not be
wrong for the behaviors they're pointing out in someone else,
But we have to ask ourselves, why is it I
keep going for people like this?
Speaker 4 (13:16):
Why is it?
Speaker 5 (13:16):
You know, if we keep complaining about a partner who
is making us miserable or never there or or constantly
disrespecting us, and we hear ourselves for the one thousandth
time telling the same story about this person, it doesn't
mean we're wrong about this person, But why am I
telling the story for the one thousandth time? What's going
on with me?
Speaker 4 (13:44):
The same person's name?
Speaker 5 (13:47):
It it's understanding that you're there's something going on with
me that I prefer complaining about this person than the alternative,
which is to leave or to find something better for myself.
And why is it I'm uncomfortable with something better?
Speaker 4 (14:03):
These are your questions you should be asking yourself, and
don't be afraid to answer them. You may not get
the answer immediately, but you have to at least start
on your journey to figure it out. By the way,
this is Matthew Hussey. Love Life is the name of
his book that came out yesterday, How to raise your standards,
find your person and live happily no matter what. So
(14:24):
you have a.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Whole lot to say about red flags, which Andrew just
read in his impression.
Speaker 4 (14:29):
Voice of you.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
Do you think that red flags have become a little
more serious now that everybody has all of these options
than they used to be, because every one of us
has a red flag at some point? At what point
do you say that's just a little character flaweds not
that serious, versus oh this is awful. I'm out.
Speaker 5 (14:45):
That's a great question. There's there's serious red flags. Like
someone's words never match their actions, right, they can't apologize.
Speaker 4 (14:54):
I never apologize, right, that's a big one.
Speaker 5 (14:57):
They kill that would be bad.
Speaker 4 (15:02):
We move on it. Depends what they did that happened
in a moment of passion.
Speaker 5 (15:09):
With all the true crime that's around, there's more famous
people that killed their ex than ever. It's uh, you know,
someone who continuously breaks promises. You know, there's there's big ones,
but then there's just the everyday stuff that you know,
someone got a little bit jealous, or someone you know
got scared, or someone was texted you a little too much,
(15:32):
or like it's there are these things that we write
each other off for really easily, and I think I
don't know that. The more I kind of worked on
myself and the more I got humbled by life in
my own life, the more I became I had to
learn to accept all these flaws in myself. I had
to learn to accept all these parts of me that
(15:53):
someone else had to work with me and deal with.
And once I became more compassionate towards the flaws in myself,
it had the effect for me at least of making
me more compassionate for those flaws in others. When I
think about the times in my life where I judged
other people the most, it was usually when I was
judging myself the most.
Speaker 4 (16:13):
You're with someone and you realize that they're not flawed,
but they are still on their path to try to
figure themselves out, which may never happen in their lifetime. Right,
but you love them, You see there's something in there
that is just so fabulously fantastic. But you just know
that they were they will always be that person who's
(16:33):
going to cause turmoil. It's gonna rear, it's ugly ahead
from time to time. Where do you draw the line,
where do you say, Okay, I can't live my life
like this anymore. But at the same time, you risk
losing that wonderful person that shares that same body.
Speaker 5 (16:50):
Love isn't enough. I mean, that's just the truth. We
want to think love is enough, but it actually isn't.
You need compatibility in the world that you want to
live life. You need compatibility in the future that you
want to have together. You need someone who is capable
of me in your core needs, not every single one
(17:10):
of the needs you could ever have, but your core needs.
And if being with this person is fundamentally incompatible with
a life of peace and happiness for you, the idea
that staying with them is one day going to make
you happy is science fiction. The idea that they're going
to change is science fiction. Consider for a moment how
(17:30):
hard it is for us to change anything. Like you
wake up New Year's Day, you have all these things
you'd like to do this year.
Speaker 4 (17:37):
We all do.
Speaker 5 (17:38):
We make a few resolutions. Just think for a moment.
You made those resolutions because you were motivated, because you
wanted that change to happen, because you really were serious
about it. Then consider how hard it was to actually
stick to those resolutions and you wanted to. So now
take a person who doesn't even want to take a
(18:00):
person who's not even chosen it as their resolution. What
they want is just to get you off their back.
That is not someone who's intrinsically motivated. And change is
really hard even when you're intrinsically motivated. So the idea
that this person is going to change is a fantasy.
And especially, by the way, if the change you want
(18:23):
is like it would mean essentially a personality transplant for them.
Most of us change like five ten percent. And that's,
by the way, that's beautiful, that's not pessimistic. Five ten
percent will change the whole trajectory of your life. But
when we change, we do not get a personality transplant.
If for you to be happy in fundamental ways, they
(18:44):
would need a personality transplant. You must must assume it
will never happen. And when you leave that person or
decide to cut them off, it will hurt, and that
hurt will trick you into thinking you have made the
wrong decision, because when something hurts really badly, it feels
like it must be wrong. But just because it hurts,
(19:04):
it doesn't mean it was the wrong decision. Some of
the greatest hurt is over some of the best decisions
in our life.
Speaker 4 (19:09):
So therefore, everyone listening to this show right now, in
a relationship, end it no just pull the plug, go
to that pain. You know. One of my favorite things, Matthew,
that you've said in the past, and you've said it
several times, is the most dangerous moment is when you
decide and you feel like you really like someone, when
you find that person who you really connect with, and
(19:32):
you're like, okay, where do we go with this? That's
a you use there were dangerous actually a dangerous moment?
What does that mean?
Speaker 5 (19:40):
It's I talk about this in the book is the
Four Levels of im Bullets.
Speaker 4 (19:43):
Love Life.
Speaker 5 (19:44):
The book Love Life, which by the way. If you
want to copy, you can go to lovelifebook dot com.
Speaker 4 (19:49):
Well, can I go to the other places too?
Speaker 5 (19:51):
You can also go to Amazon, Bonds and Noble.
Speaker 4 (19:53):
You make more percentage if I go to your website.
Speaker 5 (19:55):
No, we actually have some freebies that we're giving away
on that website, so that don't give away free you
always hate when I give.
Speaker 4 (20:01):
Away sheep and sweatshirts that you have are those freebies.
Speaker 5 (20:04):
They're cute, They're part of the Everyone who buys a
book is entered into a giveaway for them. You can
register at lovelifebook dot com.
Speaker 4 (20:14):
Okay, okay, So the moment that is most dangerous is
when you meet them and decide, oh my god, I
really really have a feeling this is something.
Speaker 5 (20:23):
Yeah, because that's mutual attraction feels hard to find, right
we especially when we're single and we're we really want
to find love. When we find someone who we're attracted to, firstly,
that feels rare. Then if they like us back, it
feels like the Holy Grail. It feels like this is
(20:43):
it and we want to give everything to it. But
the problem is there's two levels beyond that. There's commitment
and there's compatibility and if we don't have those, we
have this amazing connection. But to what end we have
to slow ourselves down when we decide something is that important.
It doesn't mean you have to ignore your feelings. It
(21:04):
means you have to check your feelings and go, Okay,
I've been on an amazing date with someone. It was great,
it felt incredible. But right now I am not seeing
this person's character. I am seeing their impact on me,
and there is a huge difference. And by the way,
not to be too kind of, you know, fear mongering
(21:25):
on this side of the spectrum, but some of the
worst people, some of the biggest narcissists, are the greatest
at creating the biggest impact on you when you're hot.
Speaker 4 (21:37):
Narcissises, well, how long.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
Do you think it takes for you to find out
the real person?
Speaker 5 (21:42):
Because, like you said, you put your best foot forward
in the beginning. I think you have to see them
in multiple contexts, have different experiences with them, and start
to see them over time. Because character is consistent.
Speaker 2 (21:55):
Right.
Speaker 5 (21:56):
Impact can be momentary, but character is consistent, and in
order to measure consistency, you have to have you have
to be seeing this person regularly. You have to see
how much do they invest three weeks from now, and if,
by the way, the answer is well, we had an
amazing two dates, but I haven't heard from them for
two weeks, then you're learning exactly how much they're investing
three weeks in exactly. He's really looked at Audrey when
(22:21):
he said that.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
I.
Speaker 4 (22:25):
Obviously we know where you got that chapter from.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
I think you have to stress people out immediately and
early so that you can see how they handle conflicts,
because that's something that you don't see for a really
long time, and that can be a huge deal between people.
Speaker 5 (22:38):
I do think I'm not sure about the proactively stressing
them mass Yes, proactively. I think going through things together
is a good thing, Like going through hard times is
one of the greatest measures of any relationship. And that
doesn't mean you should necessarily engineer hard times. But what
it does mean is that if you haven't been through
any hard times with anyone, be careful about saying that
(23:02):
this is it. This is the person.
Speaker 4 (23:04):
You don't know them.
Speaker 5 (23:05):
You have no idea reactor.
Speaker 4 (23:08):
How they treat their parents, how they treat a server
at a restaurant, how they there's there's all those little things,
and you're like, I get that immediately. By the way,
I'm going to take one call. Do we have to
take a break? But there's more unless you gotta go
what you're timing? No on?
Speaker 5 (23:24):
So happy is.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
Having life here?
Speaker 4 (23:27):
Hello Aaron, Hi, good morning. You just ordered Love Life
starring Matthew Husband.
Speaker 8 (23:33):
I did.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
I did, And so.
Speaker 4 (23:35):
You're actually calling to say thank you for calling me
out on my shenanigans. What does that mean? What does
that mean in your mind?
Speaker 7 (23:42):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (23:43):
I guess I've never really thought about it, you know,
like I just have always assumed like I found crappy
people in life, and like I just have learned to
deal with it. But that's like when he said, you know,
like why are we choosing to deal with it? Like
what is it in us that makes it? And the
fact that maybe it's not like real, real love, it's
just like a traction thing that to me, I think
it goes back to like childhood, like there was never
(24:05):
like real affection or emotion or things like that. So
to me, like I find those people that need to
be worked on, fixed on and cured, and I think
I'm a solution and I'm not. I'm not the solution,
and it's too much work.
Speaker 5 (24:18):
I had a friend, Aaron, who was with a guy
that treated her awfully, and she was with him for
a while, and then when she found a new relationship
after that one that really hurt her, she found this
amazing guy lovely treated her well and it was a
really healthy relationship in the beginning. And her mom asked
(24:39):
her one day, you know, how's it going, and she said,
it's so weird, mom, He's so nice to me and
her mom. Her mom looked at her and said, that's
how it's supposed to be. And so, Aaron, what I
want to say to you is that other behavior that
deep down you might really need, that safety, that person
(25:01):
who really sees you, that person who really shows up
for you, that person who's consistent. That might present as
really unfamiliar when you first get it from someone. And
when something's that unfamiliar, it's a bit uncomfortable, it's weird.
It can even be boring, airing. It can feel kind
of boring, like this isn't the chaos I'm used to.
(25:23):
But that doesn't mean it's wrong. It just means it's
not what I'm used to. And it might take me
a little bit to acclimatize to something that's more healthy,
especially if I've never had it.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
I want boring in my life.
Speaker 4 (25:38):
Boring is actually exciting sometimes, like my dad, doing nothing
is doing something. And so if I if I can
have just relaxing night with you with no arguing, I'm
totally fine with it. Totally fine with it. A quick
question from Frog and we've got to take a break.
What's up? Frog?
Speaker 8 (25:55):
I always say that you I would rather do the
most mundane, boring thing with the most wonderful person that
I enjoy spending time with, been doing the most magical
wonderful thing with the wrong person, because it ruins that
experience because it's with the wrong person that's so good.
Speaker 5 (26:10):
And I would say, you guys have my heart through
the room. It's why we have to be really careful
if we look at our dating life with someone early
on and we just keep doing all of these kind
of shiny, exciting things, because those can actually mask how
little connection we have with someone. You know, the person
you can fold laundry with and you're having the best
(26:32):
time because you're just talking and lost in this amazing conversation.
That's that's fantastic. The person you have to keep going
on fancy dates with and it comes back and you're
just like, oh my god, there's so much here. It's like, well,
it might just be that the food at that restaurant
was amazing. It might be that you went to an
amazing show. It might it might not be anything to
do with the connection you're having with that person. It's
(26:53):
the experiences that this is providing.
Speaker 4 (26:57):
Aaron, thank you so much for your call. And by
the way, erin she said that the classic thing that
we hear all the time, oh my god, you're hitting
home with me. Now we're hitting home with a lot
of people because what you're experiencing is what all of
us experience. So this is our Okay, Matthew Hussey a
little more in a second, No, I'm done. Elvist ran
in the Morning show this spring. Get Hello Fresh and
(27:18):
enjoy easy recipes delivered to your doorstep. Plus join today
and you'll get free dessert for life at HelloFresh dot
com slash Elvis. That's one free dessert item per box
with an active subscription at HelloFresh dot com slash Elvis.
Speaker 6 (27:31):
No's whoa guys, food, no idea?
Speaker 1 (27:42):
My voice was that annoyingly used.
Speaker 5 (27:47):
To listening to the station that I fold you guys,
and I got no refreshing love you guys.
Speaker 4 (27:52):
Elvister ran in the Morning show. This book is called
love life or it could you love life? You could
say it either way because I get it. I get it.
Oh me. It means many things love life and love
life and love life. People commenting Matthew, oh my god,
it's such an amazing show, much needed topic on relationships.
Thank you for this conversation. For Matthew, this is all great,
(28:14):
But what about when you're twenty years into a relationship.
Should you still expect to have great conversations while you're
folding laundry? What if you start to need those amazing
restaurants and experiences to generate new conversations. Does this mean
love is no longer enough? Should turn your microphone on? Yes, sir.
Speaker 5 (28:33):
In any long term relationship, newness is important. So I
think the balance can shift there where you're like, are
we bringing newness into our relationship?
Speaker 4 (28:41):
I had a third party bring a third person in
Who's with me? Hey? A lot of people have been
commenting about how they feel as if you are digging
up things that they have buried, and I think this
book could be great for all of us who think
we know it all. Love life. Matthew Hussey another call,
(29:05):
then we'll Angela Lane twenty Hello Angela, say good morning
to Matthew Hussey.
Speaker 7 (29:11):
Come one on, Matthew.
Speaker 4 (29:13):
Hey, Angela, what's going on?
Speaker 7 (29:16):
I had a question as far as like dating, having
dated a narcissus, like how what's the best way to
know what you like dating a narcissis and how to
get what's the best way to break away from them?
Because they can see very kind of pictive.
Speaker 5 (29:31):
I think the truth is it's look. I think one
of the traps we get stuck in, Angela is trying
to diagnose someone when we're not an expert and you
don't need to diagnose someone. What you need to check
in with is your actual experience. Am I happy? Are
my needs getting met? Or am I consistent? Or am
I trying to figure out if this person is a
(29:51):
diagnosable narcissist, which is what you're doing? And if that's
the case, you have to say, how did I get here?
What's going on that I mean? And asking these questions
and how long has it been going on?
Speaker 2 (30:02):
For?
Speaker 5 (30:03):
How many times have I cried? How many times have
I tried to change it and nothing has changed? And
then what you have to do is go into a
place of acceptance that this person, if they haven't changed
so far, why would I think they're going to change now?
And if I have to leave, the hardest thing to
do is to be the one who lights the fuse
that blows up your own life. That is really, really hard,
(30:26):
But you have to accept that if you stay, you'll
never be happy, and if you leave, there will be
an initial mess. There will be especially if this is
a difficult person, They're probably not going to make your
life easy. Instead of hoping that won't happen except that
it might, accept that it's coming, and surrender to the
fact that on the other side of that mess is
a far greater degree of peace and happiness than you
(30:48):
have experienced in a long long time, and that it's
worth going through that mess to get to that Innjel
enjoy the mess.
Speaker 4 (30:54):
ANGELA easy for us to say, but can you imagine
actually going Okay, I know that if I go through
this mess, it's gonna be a mess, but I'm gonna
be so much stronger out of that mess. Then Okay,
let's get messy, all right, Angela, thank you so much
before you leave. I want to the last chapter in
(31:15):
your book, Love Life, which is available at lovelife book
dot com, is happy enough. Wow. Those two words are
pretty powerful because a lot of people are like, you know,
I don't know if I've found happiness quite yet. I
don't know what it is. Am I happy? I don't
am I? I don't know? And you really kind of
(31:36):
address that in this chapter and it really makes you
makes me kind of calm in a way.
Speaker 5 (31:41):
Yeah, because I think we always talk about I cringe
a little when I hear people say you have to
be happy in whole before you ever meet someone, And
I'm like, how many married people do you know that
we're happy in whole before they met someone? Like it's
we all come to a relationship with stuff. We all
have baggage, we all have wounds that we're still trying
to heal and b either way that we have to
(32:01):
stop pathologizing people who feel lonely because they haven't found
someone and feel sad that it hasn't happened yet. Those
are normal feelings to feel. We all have the longing
for love, So instead of aiming for happy, which I
think is intimidating and makes us feel inadequate for not
being able to get there. Happy Enough says, if my
(32:22):
life stayed the way it is today, I'd actually be okay.
Maybe I can even admit that if I found someone,
it would be even better.
Speaker 4 (32:30):
I can admit that.
Speaker 5 (32:32):
But you know what, I'm happy enough to hold. I'm
happy enough to say no to the wrong thing when
it comes along. I'm happy enough that when the right
thing comes along, I don't change and act like someone
who can't lose it, because I'll die if I lose
this person that's so right for me. Happy enough is
a superpower. It is not settling. It is this strong
(32:54):
foundation from which to take risks, show your magic again,
and actually get out there. You can take big risks
when you know you can go home to yourself and
still be okay.
Speaker 4 (33:05):
I love that. I love that. That was something every
one of us needed to hear. You know what, Everyone smiled, Matthew.
You do say something that's good and right every once
in a while, that that pearl of wism will roll
out of your oyster. It's fatuous.
Speaker 2 (33:21):
You know.
Speaker 4 (33:22):
We love you, We love you, love.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
Life laughing lovelifebook dot Com.
Speaker 4 (33:32):
Of course, it's love Life Matthew Hussey. Thank you for
coming into.
Speaker 5 (33:35):
That, Thank you for having me.
Speaker 4 (33:38):
It's the weekend. Hey, this is Miley Cyrus Your what office?
A black Eyed Peace?
Speaker 3 (33:42):
Hey?
Speaker 4 (33:42):
This is Gomez with Elvis Duran in the Morning Show.
Wendy's New Cinnabon pull apart is here to satisfy morning
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Today's Daily Highlight from Elvis Duran in the Morning Show.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
I'm from the.
Speaker 3 (00:05):
Mercedes Benz Interview Lounge.
Speaker 4 (00:09):
When is it not a great time to have Matthew
Hussey pay us a visit? I hope not today. Hi Matthew, Hello, welcome, Hello,
I did go. I went immediately to Cuckney. Then don't
let me bring Andrew in here. You know, when Andrew
does his Matthew Hussey impersonationing, it can't be called a
Matthew Hussey impersonation. It's some sort of strange Dick Van Dyke,
(00:32):
Mary Poppins, Chimney sweet things. It's not good.
Speaker 5 (00:37):
I can't believe any of you think it's good. It is.
Speaker 4 (00:39):
It's good. It's a caricature of your voice. It's not
your voice. That enough of that. You have a book, Okay,
I think today is day day two. The book is out. Correct,
the book is officially out. Yeah, it was out yesterday,
so people can order it now. Congratulations, then congratulations, and
you know what, and it's too early because it's only
a day in. But when they put that gold New
York Time best Seller emblem on the front, don't jinx it. No, no,
(01:03):
it's gonna happen. It's gonna happen thanks to the power
of this show.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Is it on audible?
Speaker 1 (01:10):
And do you do the the voiceover?
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Voiceover?
Speaker 5 (01:13):
No, Andrew does. Andrew narrates it the entire or the open.
Speaker 4 (01:19):
Andrew, Let's let's see how that would sound. I need
I need some love music in the background. And then
then we got to talk about the book what it's
all about, because I have thoughts here and Andrew. Everyone,
all right, okay, uh here, grab grab the book. Do
you have any love music? Okay, okay, good morning, Okay,
(01:43):
this is not Matthew Hussey, this is an impersonator. Andrew.
Good morning, Andrew, Good morning everyone. How are you okay?
Speaker 2 (01:50):
For good?
Speaker 3 (01:50):
Apparently I sound like Dick Van Dyke or you know,
Mary Poppins is something, but.
Speaker 4 (01:55):
All right, read a passage from your book, Matthew. All right.
Speaker 3 (01:57):
This one's from the chapter about red flags, treating people
badly when they don't think you're looking. This red flag
occurs when someone who's trying to impress you, seduce you,
sleep with you, or make you fall in love with
the person's a selective version of who they are. Bad
actors do this, sure, but so does everyone on the
(02:18):
best behavior.
Speaker 6 (02:19):
There you go.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
It's pretty good.
Speaker 4 (02:23):
I think I'd rather hear his version than your give
me my.
Speaker 5 (02:28):
Book you got to that sounded like David Attenborough.
Speaker 4 (02:37):
About thank you, Andrew, thank you. Don't go too far.
Writing a book is an interesting journey, is it not?
Speaker 7 (02:48):
So?
Speaker 4 (02:48):
I know you you turned in your first your first
draft to the publisher, and they looked at you and
said this is crap.
Speaker 5 (02:54):
They didn't say it was crap. Actually, I got an
email back from my publisher who I loved dearly and
I worked on her with her her. I worked with
her on my first book and it was all great.
And I sent her this email with chapters like first
chapters of this book. This was back in I must
have been twenty eighteen nineteen, and I said to her,
(03:16):
here it is like I was like so excited. I
was like, just wait till you see this late floating
above the trees. And she took a needle up and
popped it. She said. The first sentence, she said, was
I really wanted to like this.
Speaker 4 (03:29):
Oh oh it was.
Speaker 5 (03:30):
The first feeling. It was brutal. And she said it's
so angry. Well, she said, your tone here is so angry.
Were you angry at the time.
Speaker 4 (03:42):
Yes, okay, so you know what, But you know, the
thing is that you recognized that you were in a
dark space at that time, and the book came out dark.
That means you were honestly writing that book. I really was, Yeah,
and I was.
Speaker 5 (03:53):
I'd been going through for like five to god, at
that point, five or six years of my life. I'd
been going through real, like physical chronic pain in my
head and my ear. I had tenatus ringing in my
ears NonStop. I still have that, but I had like
pain in my ear in my head. That for anyone
who goes through physical chronic pain, you know, at a
certain point it starts to kind of you can get
(04:14):
quite bitter with it because you just start to it
takes you out of your life.
Speaker 4 (04:17):
So let's turn it around. Then, let's talk about how
your journey then turned into one that gave us this book,
which will be bestseller before you know it. I guarantee you.
I was skimming through, picked up a few things here
and there, and it was true, Matthew Hussey, it was you.
It sounds so good, it feels warm, it has texture,
it has taste. Even if you were blind, you would
(04:39):
see a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful work of art here. You
did a great job.
Speaker 5 (04:43):
Thank you so so much. It means the world to
me coming from you. I've been doing this show for
ten years of my life at this point, which is
crazy to me.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
You.
Speaker 5 (04:52):
I first came on the show when I was talking
about my first book, and so much has happened since then.
And also so much has happened. I feel like in
dating culture and the way people struggle to find love,
you know, everyone wants to find love. That desire to
find someone is universal. A lot of people don't want
(05:13):
to date, but they want to find love, and it's
hard for so many people out there. Right now, I
know there will be so many people listening who are
so scared that is never going to happen for them,
or up so sad that it hasn't worked out the
way they thought it would by this point in their life.
And what happens when that happens for long enough is
we have this fear and anxiety that it's never going
(05:36):
to happen. And when an internal culture of fear and
anxiety meets an external dating culture of people giving as
little as they can and taking as much as they
can that creates a recipe for us lowering our standards
and accepting less than we're worth. And that's what this
book is about.
Speaker 4 (05:56):
Dating is frightening. It can be if you learn it
and you become your worst enemy. Let's talk about it.
It's about relationships, right. We have relationship not only with people,
but with ourselves. We have relationships with money and food
and bosses and careers and an eft up world. Learning
how to figure out how to master all these relationships
makes you makes you stronger. Then therefore your relationship with
(06:18):
a person will have a better chance of succeeding.
Speaker 5 (06:20):
That's so true. I think we're in three relationships our
entire life. One is our relationship with other people, the
second is our relationship with ourselves, and the third is
our relationship with life itself. And I agree with you
one hundred percent. If those other two relationships with life
and with ourselves aren't great, it's going to impact everything.
Because one of the reasons we don't have high standards
(06:42):
is because we don't respect ourselves, we don't love ourselves,
and then we go to someone else. And if we
do have standards, they're almost like fake standards. They're like tactics.
If I play hard to get, this person will come
to me. But when a tactic doesn't work, we just
changed tactic. Oh, hard to get didn't work, Now let
(07:02):
me text them. But when it's a standard, you don't
change because you don't get the result you want. Like
there was a time when my wife, Audrey is in
the room right now, and Hi Adre.
Speaker 4 (07:16):
Hi Adrey, Hello, thanks for being here.
Speaker 5 (07:19):
There was a moment where when we were dating, I
was the one who was like doing the classic kind
of fading a little bit.
Speaker 4 (07:28):
We were game playing.
Speaker 5 (07:30):
Not even game playing, we were dating. We weren't like
in a relationship. At that point, she was living in London.
I flew back to la and I was like, I
can't The long distance thing didn't appeal to me. And
she hadn't heard from me for you know, a couple
of weeks at that point, and even before that, my
texts and stuff had started to become more sporadic. And
(07:52):
I did the class I look back on this now
and I cringe, But I did the thing where I
sent a message and said I miss you. And this
was after like a couple of weeks of no contact,
and she sent me the ultimate standards message back. Most
people in that situation, if they've got someone they like,
(08:12):
will get excited or they'll be like, I'm just glad
they texted me.
Speaker 4 (08:15):
How did she respond?
Speaker 5 (08:16):
She said, Hey, I hope you're well to be honest
when you say this. I'm not really sure what to say.
We haven't felt that close for a while, and rightly
or wrongly, this text comes off as a bid for attention.
Speaker 4 (08:34):
Wow, I for you, because you know what that is
called just I have nothing to lose. I just I'm
going to be honest. Here in text would have said bleep,
you ask you know what? Wow? What a to do?
It fair too, which is basically the same.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
So your other girls stopped talking to you, so now
you came back to yeah exactly.
Speaker 4 (08:55):
But could the could you're stumbling block in our our
hotholes as well as we call them, be that we're
out of another relationship where we didn't learn from it. Well, yeah,
and you know this is why a lot of people,
your friends will say to you, you keep repeating, you
keep dating the same idiots over and over. We're not
learning from the relationships that fail. That failing relationship could
(09:18):
be the answer to the right relationship on the way right.
Speaker 5 (09:23):
Yeah, And I don't think a lot of us ever
take enough time to really figure that out, or even
just enough space for our nervous system to calm down
from that last relationship, because we come out of these
relationships and they are very familiar to us. We're used
to a certain kind of toxicity, or we're used to
a certain kind of chaos, a certain kind of push.
(09:43):
Paul I had a woman. I write about this woman
in the book, and the book is called love Life.
For anyone who wants to know this woman, I coached
her and she is. She said to me, I was
with a guy for two years. It was really hard.
I never really felt safe. I was constantly kind of,
you know, chasing him. But I had this amazing chemistry
(10:03):
with him. And now I'm out there dating again, and
I feel like I don't have that feeling with the
people who want me. She said, what can I do?
How can I find that same feeling with someone who
wants me? And I had to point out that the
feeling she felt in the last relationship was actually an
unnatural feeling to begin with. What she was calling chemistry
(10:25):
was really constant, never ending anxiety and The truth is
that feeling we have when we chase someone in early
dating that creates all of that excitement, it never ends.
If you're in a relationship where you still feel like
you're chasing the person, where you feel like you're never
really safe, you're never really secure. It's like the frenetic
anxiety of early dating never ends. And then when that
(10:49):
person inevitably leaves us or betrays us, or cheats or
doesn't want to want us anymore, we go looking for
that feeling again. And you're not going to have that
same feeling with someone who actually turns to meet you
and starts asking you questions about yourself because they're genuinely
interested in you and you feel safe with.
Speaker 3 (11:07):
But don't some people just like the chase, like that's
what they love, like getting the person, and when they
get the person, they get.
Speaker 4 (11:13):
Bored or don't you get tired of chasing, And.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Maybe some people don't.
Speaker 4 (11:16):
I don't know, you.
Speaker 5 (11:16):
Think so, well, that's the thing you have to decide
what to value in life, because there are certain feelings
that if you value them, there are certain highs that
if you value them above all else, you'll spend a
life chasing those highs and that's okay, but there are
consequences to that, and most of us don't want those consequences.
At a certain point, we realize, oh, this isn't working
(11:37):
for me anymore. So I don't think there's it's no
judgment for people who are in that phase of their life,
and most people have been through that phase of their
life in one way or another. But at a certain point,
I think we have to look at it and go,
is this making me happy? Like I do I feel
a sense of calm or peace? Or am I constantly
on edge?
Speaker 1 (11:57):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (11:58):
Go, go, okay, start writing it. Repeat what you just said.
I think this is important. You're in the chase with
this individual you're having a relationship with. You know that
you have the craziness, the late nights of being worried
and not feeling settled. You forget about checking in with yourself.
(12:18):
Is what you just said.
Speaker 5 (12:19):
Say it again, am I Is this actually making me happy?
Or am I just constantly trying to get this person
without paying attention to how I actually feel?
Speaker 1 (12:30):
Yeah? So on that note, somebody once said to me
that the common denominator and every failed relationship that someone
will have, specifically me, is me. I'm the person that's
constant in all of these different things. So if I'm
not learning something from every failed relationship, because of course,
we want to look at the other person and be like, well,
this is what they did wrong. You're never going to
change the other person. You can only change yourself. But
(12:51):
how do you nicely say that to your friends who
keep going down this path and saying everybody's crazy, everyone
is making the wrong choice. I just always wanted to
with a crazy person.
Speaker 5 (13:01):
Yeah, that's an Look, they're not. They may not be
wrong for the behaviors they're pointing out in someone else,
But we have to ask ourselves, why is it I
keep going for people like this?
Speaker 4 (13:16):
Why is it?
Speaker 5 (13:16):
You know, if we keep complaining about a partner who
is making us miserable or never there or or constantly
disrespecting us, and we hear ourselves for the one thousandth
time telling the same story about this person, it doesn't
mean we're wrong about this person, But why am I
telling the story for the one thousandth time? What's going
on with me?
Speaker 4 (13:44):
The same person's name?
Speaker 5 (13:47):
It it's understanding that you're there's something going on with
me that I prefer complaining about this person than the alternative,
which is to leave or to find something better for myself.
And why is it I'm uncomfortable with something better?
Speaker 4 (14:03):
These are your questions you should be asking yourself, and
don't be afraid to answer them. You may not get
the answer immediately, but you have to at least start
on your journey to figure it out. By the way,
this is Matthew Hussey. Love Life is the name of
his book that came out yesterday, How to raise your standards,
find your person and live happily no matter what. So
(14:24):
you have a.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Whole lot to say about red flags, which Andrew just
read in his impression.
Speaker 4 (14:29):
Voice of you.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
Do you think that red flags have become a little
more serious now that everybody has all of these options
than they used to be, because every one of us
has a red flag at some point? At what point
do you say that's just a little character flaweds not
that serious, versus oh this is awful. I'm out.
Speaker 5 (14:45):
That's a great question. There's there's serious red flags. Like
someone's words never match their actions, right, they can't apologize.
Speaker 4 (14:54):
I never apologize, right, that's a big one.
Speaker 5 (14:57):
They kill that would be bad.
Speaker 4 (15:02):
We move on it. Depends what they did that happened
in a moment of passion.
Speaker 5 (15:09):
With all the true crime that's around, there's more famous
people that killed their ex than ever. It's uh, you know,
someone who continuously breaks promises. You know, there's there's big ones,
but then there's just the everyday stuff that you know,
someone got a little bit jealous, or someone you know
got scared, or someone was texted you a little too much,
(15:32):
or like it's there are these things that we write
each other off for really easily, and I think I
don't know that. The more I kind of worked on
myself and the more I got humbled by life in
my own life, the more I became I had to
learn to accept all these flaws in myself. I had
to learn to accept all these parts of me that
(15:53):
someone else had to work with me and deal with.
And once I became more compassionate towards the flaws in myself,
it had the effect for me at least of making
me more compassionate for those flaws in others. When I
think about the times in my life where I judged
other people the most, it was usually when I was
judging myself the most.
Speaker 4 (16:13):
You're with someone and you realize that they're not flawed,
but they are still on their path to try to
figure themselves out, which may never happen in their lifetime. Right,
but you love them, You see there's something in there
that is just so fabulously fantastic. But you just know
that they were they will always be that person who's
(16:33):
going to cause turmoil. It's gonna rear, it's ugly ahead
from time to time. Where do you draw the line,
where do you say, Okay, I can't live my life
like this anymore. But at the same time, you risk
losing that wonderful person that shares that same body.
Speaker 5 (16:50):
Love isn't enough. I mean, that's just the truth. We
want to think love is enough, but it actually isn't.
You need compatibility in the world that you want to
live life. You need compatibility in the future that you
want to have together. You need someone who is capable
of me in your core needs, not every single one
(17:10):
of the needs you could ever have, but your core needs.
And if being with this person is fundamentally incompatible with
a life of peace and happiness for you, the idea
that staying with them is one day going to make
you happy is science fiction. The idea that they're going
to change is science fiction. Consider for a moment how
(17:30):
hard it is for us to change anything. Like you
wake up New Year's Day, you have all these things
you'd like to do this year.
Speaker 4 (17:37):
We all do.
Speaker 5 (17:38):
We make a few resolutions. Just think for a moment.
You made those resolutions because you were motivated, because you
wanted that change to happen, because you really were serious
about it. Then consider how hard it was to actually
stick to those resolutions and you wanted to. So now
take a person who doesn't even want to take a
(18:00):
person who's not even chosen it as their resolution. What
they want is just to get you off their back.
That is not someone who's intrinsically motivated. And change is
really hard even when you're intrinsically motivated. So the idea
that this person is going to change is a fantasy.
And especially, by the way, if the change you want
(18:23):
is like it would mean essentially a personality transplant for them.
Most of us change like five ten percent. And that's,
by the way, that's beautiful, that's not pessimistic. Five ten
percent will change the whole trajectory of your life. But
when we change, we do not get a personality transplant.
If for you to be happy in fundamental ways, they
(18:44):
would need a personality transplant. You must must assume it
will never happen. And when you leave that person or
decide to cut them off, it will hurt, and that
hurt will trick you into thinking you have made the
wrong decision, because when something hurts really badly, it feels
like it must be wrong. But just because it hurts,
(19:04):
it doesn't mean it was the wrong decision. Some of
the greatest hurt is over some of the best decisions
in our life.
Speaker 4 (19:09):
So therefore, everyone listening to this show right now, in
a relationship, end it no just pull the plug, go
to that pain. You know. One of my favorite things, Matthew,
that you've said in the past, and you've said it
several times, is the most dangerous moment is when you
decide and you feel like you really like someone, when
you find that person who you really connect with, and
(19:32):
you're like, okay, where do we go with this? That's
a you use there were dangerous actually a dangerous moment?
What does that mean?
Speaker 5 (19:40):
It's I talk about this in the book is the
Four Levels of im Bullets.
Speaker 4 (19:43):
Love Life.
Speaker 5 (19:44):
The book Love Life, which by the way. If you
want to copy, you can go to lovelifebook dot com.
Speaker 4 (19:49):
Well, can I go to the other places too?
Speaker 5 (19:51):
You can also go to Amazon, Bonds and Noble.
Speaker 4 (19:53):
You make more percentage if I go to your website.
Speaker 5 (19:55):
No, we actually have some freebies that we're giving away
on that website, so that don't give away free you
always hate when I give.
Speaker 4 (20:01):
Away sheep and sweatshirts that you have are those freebies.
Speaker 5 (20:04):
They're cute, They're part of the Everyone who buys a
book is entered into a giveaway for them. You can
register at lovelifebook dot com.
Speaker 4 (20:14):
Okay, okay, So the moment that is most dangerous is
when you meet them and decide, oh my god, I
really really have a feeling this is something.
Speaker 5 (20:23):
Yeah, because that's mutual attraction feels hard to find, right
we especially when we're single and we're we really want
to find love. When we find someone who we're attracted to, firstly,
that feels rare. Then if they like us back, it
feels like the Holy Grail. It feels like this is
(20:43):
it and we want to give everything to it. But
the problem is there's two levels beyond that. There's commitment
and there's compatibility and if we don't have those, we
have this amazing connection. But to what end we have
to slow ourselves down when we decide something is that important.
It doesn't mean you have to ignore your feelings. It
(21:04):
means you have to check your feelings and go, Okay,
I've been on an amazing date with someone. It was great,
it felt incredible. But right now I am not seeing
this person's character. I am seeing their impact on me,
and there is a huge difference. And by the way,
not to be too kind of, you know, fear mongering
(21:25):
on this side of the spectrum, but some of the
worst people, some of the biggest narcissists, are the greatest
at creating the biggest impact on you when you're hot.
Speaker 4 (21:37):
Narcissises, well, how long.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
Do you think it takes for you to find out
the real person?
Speaker 5 (21:42):
Because, like you said, you put your best foot forward
in the beginning. I think you have to see them
in multiple contexts, have different experiences with them, and start
to see them over time. Because character is consistent.
Speaker 2 (21:55):
Right.
Speaker 5 (21:56):
Impact can be momentary, but character is consistent, and in
order to measure consistency, you have to have you have
to be seeing this person regularly. You have to see
how much do they invest three weeks from now, and if,
by the way, the answer is well, we had an
amazing two dates, but I haven't heard from them for
two weeks, then you're learning exactly how much they're investing
three weeks in exactly. He's really looked at Audrey when
(22:21):
he said that.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
I.
Speaker 4 (22:25):
Obviously we know where you got that chapter from.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
I think you have to stress people out immediately and
early so that you can see how they handle conflicts,
because that's something that you don't see for a really
long time, and that can be a huge deal between people.
Speaker 5 (22:38):
I do think I'm not sure about the proactively stressing
them mass Yes, proactively. I think going through things together
is a good thing, Like going through hard times is
one of the greatest measures of any relationship. And that
doesn't mean you should necessarily engineer hard times. But what
it does mean is that if you haven't been through
any hard times with anyone, be careful about saying that
(23:02):
this is it. This is the person.
Speaker 4 (23:04):
You don't know them.
Speaker 5 (23:05):
You have no idea reactor.
Speaker 4 (23:08):
How they treat their parents, how they treat a server
at a restaurant, how they there's there's all those little things,
and you're like, I get that immediately. By the way,
I'm going to take one call. Do we have to
take a break? But there's more unless you gotta go
what you're timing? No on?
Speaker 5 (23:24):
So happy is.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
Having life here?
Speaker 4 (23:27):
Hello Aaron, Hi, good morning. You just ordered Love Life
starring Matthew Husband.
Speaker 8 (23:33):
I did.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
I did, And so.
Speaker 4 (23:35):
You're actually calling to say thank you for calling me
out on my shenanigans. What does that mean? What does
that mean in your mind?
Speaker 7 (23:42):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (23:43):
I guess I've never really thought about it, you know,
like I just have always assumed like I found crappy
people in life, and like I just have learned to
deal with it. But that's like when he said, you know,
like why are we choosing to deal with it? Like
what is it in us that makes it? And the
fact that maybe it's not like real, real love, it's
just like a traction thing that to me, I think
it goes back to like childhood, like there was never
(24:05):
like real affection or emotion or things like that. So
to me, like I find those people that need to
be worked on, fixed on and cured, and I think
I'm a solution and I'm not. I'm not the solution,
and it's too much work.
Speaker 5 (24:18):
I had a friend, Aaron, who was with a guy
that treated her awfully, and she was with him for
a while, and then when she found a new relationship
after that one that really hurt her, she found this
amazing guy lovely treated her well and it was a
really healthy relationship in the beginning. And her mom asked
(24:39):
her one day, you know, how's it going, and she said,
it's so weird, mom, He's so nice to me and
her mom. Her mom looked at her and said, that's
how it's supposed to be. And so, Aaron, what I
want to say to you is that other behavior that
deep down you might really need, that safety, that person
(25:01):
who really sees you, that person who really shows up
for you, that person who's consistent. That might present as
really unfamiliar when you first get it from someone. And
when something's that unfamiliar, it's a bit uncomfortable, it's weird.
It can even be boring, airing. It can feel kind
of boring, like this isn't the chaos I'm used to.
(25:23):
But that doesn't mean it's wrong. It just means it's
not what I'm used to. And it might take me
a little bit to acclimatize to something that's more healthy,
especially if I've never had it.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
I want boring in my life.
Speaker 4 (25:38):
Boring is actually exciting sometimes, like my dad, doing nothing
is doing something. And so if I if I can
have just relaxing night with you with no arguing, I'm
totally fine with it. Totally fine with it. A quick
question from Frog and we've got to take a break.
What's up? Frog?
Speaker 8 (25:55):
I always say that you I would rather do the
most mundane, boring thing with the most wonderful person that
I enjoy spending time with, been doing the most magical
wonderful thing with the wrong person, because it ruins that
experience because it's with the wrong person that's so good.
Speaker 5 (26:10):
And I would say, you guys have my heart through
the room. It's why we have to be really careful
if we look at our dating life with someone early
on and we just keep doing all of these kind
of shiny, exciting things, because those can actually mask how
little connection we have with someone. You know, the person
you can fold laundry with and you're having the best
(26:32):
time because you're just talking and lost in this amazing conversation.
That's that's fantastic. The person you have to keep going
on fancy dates with and it comes back and you're
just like, oh my god, there's so much here. It's like, well,
it might just be that the food at that restaurant
was amazing. It might be that you went to an
amazing show. It might it might not be anything to
do with the connection you're having with that person. It's
(26:53):
the experiences that this is providing.
Speaker 4 (26:57):
Aaron, thank you so much for your call. And by
the way, erin she said that the classic thing that
we hear all the time, oh my god, you're hitting
home with me. Now we're hitting home with a lot
of people because what you're experiencing is what all of
us experience. So this is our Okay, Matthew Hussey a
little more in a second, No, I'm done. Elvist ran
in the Morning show this spring. Get Hello Fresh and
(27:18):
enjoy easy recipes delivered to your doorstep. Plus join today
and you'll get free dessert for life at HelloFresh dot
com slash Elvis. That's one free dessert item per box
with an active subscription at HelloFresh dot com slash Elvis.
Speaker 6 (27:31):
No's whoa guys, food, no idea?
Speaker 1 (27:42):
My voice was that annoyingly used.
Speaker 5 (27:47):
To listening to the station that I fold you guys,
and I got no refreshing love you guys.
Speaker 4 (27:52):
Elvister ran in the Morning show. This book is called
love life or it could you love life? You could
say it either way because I get it. I get it.
Oh me. It means many things love life and love
life and love life. People commenting Matthew, oh my god,
it's such an amazing show, much needed topic on relationships.
Thank you for this conversation. For Matthew, this is all great,
(28:14):
But what about when you're twenty years into a relationship.
Should you still expect to have great conversations while you're
folding laundry? What if you start to need those amazing
restaurants and experiences to generate new conversations. Does this mean
love is no longer enough? Should turn your microphone on? Yes, sir.
Speaker 5 (28:33):
In any long term relationship, newness is important. So I
think the balance can shift there where you're like, are
we bringing newness into our relationship?
Speaker 4 (28:41):
I had a third party bring a third person in
Who's with me? Hey? A lot of people have been
commenting about how they feel as if you are digging
up things that they have buried, and I think this
book could be great for all of us who think
we know it all. Love life. Matthew Hussey another call,
(29:05):
then we'll Angela Lane twenty Hello Angela, say good morning
to Matthew Hussey.
Speaker 7 (29:11):
Come one on, Matthew.
Speaker 4 (29:13):
Hey, Angela, what's going on?
Speaker 7 (29:16):
I had a question as far as like dating, having
dated a narcissus, like how what's the best way to
know what you like dating a narcissis and how to
get what's the best way to break away from them?
Because they can see very kind of pictive.
Speaker 5 (29:31):
I think the truth is it's look. I think one
of the traps we get stuck in, Angela is trying
to diagnose someone when we're not an expert and you
don't need to diagnose someone. What you need to check
in with is your actual experience. Am I happy? Are
my needs getting met? Or am I consistent? Or am
I trying to figure out if this person is a
(29:51):
diagnosable narcissist, which is what you're doing? And if that's
the case, you have to say, how did I get here?
What's going on that I mean? And asking these questions
and how long has it been going on?
Speaker 2 (30:02):
For?
Speaker 5 (30:03):
How many times have I cried? How many times have
I tried to change it and nothing has changed? And
then what you have to do is go into a
place of acceptance that this person, if they haven't changed
so far, why would I think they're going to change now?
And if I have to leave, the hardest thing to
do is to be the one who lights the fuse
that blows up your own life. That is really, really hard,
(30:26):
But you have to accept that if you stay, you'll
never be happy, and if you leave, there will be
an initial mess. There will be especially if this is
a difficult person, They're probably not going to make your
life easy. Instead of hoping that won't happen except that
it might, accept that it's coming, and surrender to the
fact that on the other side of that mess is
a far greater degree of peace and happiness than you
(30:48):
have experienced in a long long time, and that it's
worth going through that mess to get to that Innjel
enjoy the mess.
Speaker 4 (30:54):
ANGELA easy for us to say, but can you imagine
actually going Okay, I know that if I go through
this mess, it's gonna be a mess, but I'm gonna
be so much stronger out of that mess. Then Okay,
let's get messy, all right, Angela, thank you so much
before you leave. I want to the last chapter in
(31:15):
your book, Love Life, which is available at lovelife book
dot com, is happy enough. Wow. Those two words are
pretty powerful because a lot of people are like, you know,
I don't know if I've found happiness quite yet. I
don't know what it is. Am I happy? I don't
am I? I don't know? And you really kind of
(31:36):
address that in this chapter and it really makes you
makes me kind of calm in a way.
Speaker 5 (31:41):
Yeah, because I think we always talk about I cringe
a little when I hear people say you have to
be happy in whole before you ever meet someone, And
I'm like, how many married people do you know that
we're happy in whole before they met someone? Like it's
we all come to a relationship with stuff. We all
have baggage, we all have wounds that we're still trying
to heal and b either way that we have to
(32:01):
stop pathologizing people who feel lonely because they haven't found
someone and feel sad that it hasn't happened yet. Those
are normal feelings to feel. We all have the longing
for love, So instead of aiming for happy, which I
think is intimidating and makes us feel inadequate for not
being able to get there. Happy Enough says, if my
(32:22):
life stayed the way it is today, I'd actually be okay.
Maybe I can even admit that if I found someone,
it would be even better.
Speaker 4 (32:30):
I can admit that.
Speaker 5 (32:32):
But you know what, I'm happy enough to hold. I'm
happy enough to say no to the wrong thing when
it comes along. I'm happy enough that when the right
thing comes along, I don't change and act like someone
who can't lose it, because I'll die if I lose
this person that's so right for me. Happy enough is
a superpower. It is not settling. It is this strong
(32:54):
foundation from which to take risks, show your magic again,
and actually get out there. You can take big risks
when you know you can go home to yourself and
still be okay.
Speaker 4 (33:05):
I love that. I love that. That was something every
one of us needed to hear. You know what, Everyone smiled, Matthew.
You do say something that's good and right every once
in a while, that that pearl of wism will roll
out of your oyster. It's fatuous.
Speaker 2 (33:21):
You know.
Speaker 4 (33:22):
We love you, We love you, love.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
Life laughing lovelifebook dot Com.
Speaker 4 (33:32):
Of course, it's love Life Matthew Hussey. Thank you for
coming into.
Speaker 5 (33:35):
That, Thank you for having me.
Speaker 4 (33:38):
It's the weekend. Hey, this is Miley Cyrus Your what office?
A black Eyed Peace?
Speaker 3 (33:42):
Hey?
Speaker 4 (33:42):
This is Gomez with Elvis Duran in the Morning Show.
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