719 AITA for liking a classmate's insta of her pole dancing? (ft. Sara)

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Happy Monday Hyundais. No idea what that means but I do know this: this is a great little ep-a-roo with Sara (yes, the Sara). Follow her if you don't (and why don't you?).

Also I watched Death of a Unicorn last night and it wasn't good, but it also wasn't bad. Strongly advising you not to pay $22 to watch it at a San Diego hotel which I did. Anyway, IDK why I'm saying all this but I really hope you have a great day. You in particular. And also, rub left of your lips, you have schmuckus there. Harder. You didn't get it. Harder. No, over to the left more. Ok you got it. Wait. No you did. You got it. 

(0:00) - Banter
(9:58) - on the nature of the pick me
(19:47) - Floodlighting, a new dating term or nonsense
(34:02) - TikTok about a girl whose new guy's best friend leaves her earrings TWICE
(39:54) - AITA to my GF for liking a classmate's insta post of her pole dancing?
(51:04) - AITA for firing a teacher for moonlighting?
(1:05:22) - AITA for making my sis' gender reveal party gray bc she wouldn't tell me the gender?

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hi, everybody, look at the ATA pod. I'm Danny Vega,
joined by my ex co host with the Cobos there.

Speaker 2 (00:09):
Hello, Oh my god, it's so good to like see you,
talk to you. Danny's wearing a very cool shirt.

Speaker 3 (00:15):
You guys, do you like it?

Speaker 1 (00:17):
Because I normally don't wear things that are this insane.
It's guys to explain the shirt. It's the most chaotic thing.
It's every single color ever a lot.

Speaker 3 (00:27):
It kind of is. At first I thought it was
like a sort of patchwork pattern, but now I see
it's like Paisley.

Speaker 2 (00:32):
It's like demonic Paisley arranged in like various flowers.

Speaker 3 (00:36):
Like there's truly a lot going on.

Speaker 1 (00:39):
Yeah, my personality is still really not where I need
it to be, but we're trying. People. I like, you
got to talk a little bit. Thank you. We're going
to talk about Sarah's wedding update before we get into that.
I'm just so excited because I told Sarah I've been
making cookies. I'm kind of in my hosting era and
I'm having people over constantly. I'm baking constantly. I'm making

(01:02):
food constantly, and I'm finding myself really enjoying it. And
i find that there's a pressure to clean and cook,
and I love it. I get into a flow state.
I listen to my music. And I was telling my
friends about this in our group chat. They didn't like
it or acknowledge it, but I still said it to
them that I love. What I love about baking is

(01:24):
like it takes roughly, like I don't know, to make
three cakes that are very similar but distinct. It takes
like barely any more effort than making one cake. And
so that's my favorite thing about baking. I feel like
it's a cheat code. And then people are like, wow,
you have three different cakes, and I'm like, yes, I
do hah cakes ah.

Speaker 3 (01:44):
Yes.

Speaker 2 (01:44):
I feel like you got to start watching Do you
watch the British Great British Baking Show.

Speaker 1 (01:49):
I knew this was going to happen soon because I
was like, baking is in the cultural lore, and that's
that's where it all starts. Yeah, I'm gonna have to
watch it.

Speaker 3 (01:55):
It's such a good show. It's so wholesome and relaxing.

Speaker 2 (01:59):
I need to I stopped sleep. I didn't sleep well
last night. I got to start watching that show again.

Speaker 1 (02:04):
Every time I don't sleep while I think about you,
I forgot to reach out. I had a real stinker
of a night and I was Sarah.

Speaker 3 (02:11):
Day, Dang, what happened?

Speaker 1 (02:15):
I actually have a salt if I have too salty
of a meal. God, I'm so fucking thirty five right now. Yeah,
that'll just wake me up my body like salt hangover,
salt hangover. And then actually I had a really shitty
I probably slept like five hours last night because I
made Keishe and I ate it late, so that could
have been a high salt level. But also I think

(02:37):
my brand was like want more keche wake up?

Speaker 3 (02:41):
That's so funny.

Speaker 1 (02:42):
Oh no, But yeah, I'm really enjoying it and it's
bringing a lot of wonderful people into my life, and
I am making cookies for me. The cookies are almost
too easy, but I do have a couple of I've
kind of rotated a couple of different cookie recipes out
and I like to play the hits I have these.
It's the internet's most popular chewy cookie recipe. It has

(03:06):
something like twenty one million page views. It's really easy
to make, and it's a super crowd pleaser. So I
just make those cookies when I'm looking to play the hits.
You know, my passion is my cakes.

Speaker 2 (03:20):
Oh my gosh, wow, look at us from cookie connoisseurs
to now you're a cake baker.

Speaker 1 (03:27):
Yeah, I guess I just like you know what I
like about a cake? Go thre this because I could
eat a whole fucking cake, you know what I mean.
If I eat a whole tray of cookies, that's like
insane to me. But a cake is light and it's fluffy,
and I could eat the whole fucking thing.

Speaker 2 (03:40):
Wow, I am never understood a statement less.

Speaker 3 (03:45):
Well, unless your cakes are like small than whatever.

Speaker 1 (03:48):
You know, they're not small. There's the size of a pie.

Speaker 3 (03:52):
I mean, you always could eat like five chip cookies
in one sitting.

Speaker 1 (03:55):
So it's the thing is I think knowing how the
sausages make on a cookie, I'm like dog, this is
literally butter and sugar that's pretty much all it is,
and flour, whereas at least a cake rises. So a
cake has more volumes. So like it, it is more
like filling and less caloric. I mean, don't get me wrong,
it's still easily two thousand calories. But whatever, fuck it,

(04:19):
it's my life. Yeah whatever, So anyway, that's my little thing.
Just making food. That's not great. But I'm learning people
and it's getting better each and every day. I'm gonna
be cooking at Sarah's wedding. I'm just kidding. But tell
us about the wedding drama.

Speaker 2 (04:33):
Yeah, you'll make you'll be making the cake. No, I
think our venue gives us a cake, so you're off
the hook.

Speaker 1 (04:40):
Oh interesting, they threw a cake in there. That's a
nice little add on.

Speaker 2 (04:44):
Yeah, we ended up going with like, it's not really
a catering hall, but it definitely is an event space.
I actually have to unfollow them on Instagram because I
feel like every time I watch their stories, they'll be like,
there's always like a bar mitzva happening at our wedding venue,
and I'm like, that's not the vibe I want to
be giving. But so I got to stop watching these.
And also they're like the boogiest promise was ever. I'm like,

(05:05):
these kids' parents are spending way more money on their
flowers than I'm even thinking about spending. So whatever. But yeah, no,
I mean we're kind of almost like done with the planning.
I think the only vendor we haven't booked is the DJ, so.

Speaker 1 (05:22):
Wow, I'd love to No, thank you so much. We
love too.

Speaker 3 (05:28):
No, I mean.

Speaker 2 (05:30):
We have a I was like, I have thought about
doing things like that, but I'm just like, I don't
want to make my friends work my wedding.

Speaker 1 (05:38):
Yeah, no, I really would be a terrible Actually, no,
I had the opportunity recently. So I don't know if
you caught this lore, but so at our little coworking space,
we did like a prom and IDJ.

Speaker 3 (05:48):
I saw that that looked so fun.

Speaker 1 (05:50):
It was so fun. Oh my god, what a time.
And you know, I did plan a DJ set and
I like electronic music from roughly twenty eight to twenty fourteen,
perfect so which nobody liked it at the time, right
Like EDM is already a pretty niche. So I'm like,
you know, so excited. I'm working on my set all day.

(06:11):
The thing is, you know, I'm a crowd pleaser. I
show up, people hate it. People are like, play toxic, bro,
So I'm playing toxic. I'm playing changy.

Speaker 3 (06:20):
Ooh king oh man. Definitely got to add that to
the list.

Speaker 1 (06:24):
I had to go. I had to you know, I
had to play I had to play what somebody termed
ratchet music and I was like, that's it's what's getting.

Speaker 2 (06:31):
I'm going it's getting people, I think Ryan And my
biggest point of contention is he actually really does not
like early two thousands rap, and that is one of
my favorite genres because it's like that's what I was
a teenager and everything was like so fun and I
have such a positive memory of like all Nelly and

(06:53):
Chingy songs before we knew that Nelly was like maybe terrible,
but he hates it.

Speaker 3 (06:58):
I'm like, what are we gonna do?

Speaker 1 (07:00):
It's it's you know, I don't know what is the
cause of that, because I guess is he not into
hip hop at all?

Speaker 3 (07:07):
I mean I kind of no, he loves hip hop,
he just doesn't.

Speaker 2 (07:09):
I mean he's like, objectively, I think that that era
is like maybe objectively not good, and you know, I
can get behind that, I suppose. But you know, when
Paul Wall comes on, just something in your vein, it's
just like wh I think it's because this was back
before I had problems in my life, you know, like

(07:32):
you know our marmits with music or whatever, whenever you
were like thirteen to sixteen, I feel like is the
best music. College music is also still such amazing music
because of the associations.

Speaker 1 (07:44):
I don't know, it's yeah, I think there's a window
of time and it is. I think it's it's it's
actually adulthood, the dawn of adulthood, which is like maybe
eighteen to twenty four ish, because that's where my music
is kind of set. And what's interesting to me is
I am now into new songs from that same era.

Speaker 3 (08:06):
Oh interesting.

Speaker 1 (08:08):
And actually I had this speaking of my personality, I
thought I had good music taste and I was like,
I have my own thing. It's kind of indie rock.
And I really thought that this was kind of like
my music and some mf use this term indie sleeze
and I put on the Indie Sleez playlist and I
was like, Okay, there we go back to back to zero.
Not my personality, literally a specific genre damn banger playlist.

(08:32):
Though I'm playing it all day.

Speaker 2 (08:36):
I can see you as an indie sleeze. I don't
really know what it means, but I feel like I do.

Speaker 1 (08:41):
You know, you'll know when you hear it, and you'll
be like, that's a bop, perfect Bob speaking of bops.
Classic podcast bit the old Paylo tone Sarah is paylo
toned people.

Speaker 2 (08:53):
Oh my god, it's true. I'm paylo tone pilled or.
I don't really know what we're gonna say, but yeah,
I got one. It's actually behind me. I got one
when we moved. I got like a used one off
Facebook marketplace. And our old building had pelotons in the gym,
so I was like, okay, I kind of like this.

Speaker 3 (09:08):
Whatever Now I'm like so into it. I do.

Speaker 2 (09:12):
I feel like I do one of their workouts most days,
and I even on Friday, I went to the studio.
I took a class in person. I like, got a
picture with my favorite instructor. I'm I literally worked for
Katie Couric and I see my peloton instructor and I'm like, oh.

Speaker 3 (09:29):
My god, I'm a sorry shark. Like I don't know
what to say. I like Tucson, Like, so that is
my story.

Speaker 1 (09:36):
You you did an acoustic payload tone session. That's beautiful.

Speaker 3 (09:39):
I love that for you, Thank you.

Speaker 1 (09:42):
I love that. That's so great. Well, that's fun. So
Sarah and I, as as as our tradition, we've basically
been texting each other quite a bit of things. So
we're going to just cover what was in the text thread.
This is something I sent you, and it's actually pretty
frequently bandied about by the listeners, or at least, I

(10:03):
should say, the commenters this term pick me, and I
don't really like. I'm gonna be honest with you commenters,
I don't like when you throw that at my women guests, because,
first of all, I seldom agree with it. It's often
used whenever a woman defends a man in any capacity,
and I think that's ridiculous. For me, the pick me

(10:26):
is this comment. This is a post on ask Men
over thirty. So they went to a male subreddit to
ask all the males. They right, does your wife have
they wrote? Does your wife have friends? Honestly, my husband
is my best friend. I find other females so annoying.
I just rather not. Is this a thing in your household? Too?

Speaker 2 (10:47):
No?

Speaker 3 (10:47):
See that that is a classic pick me?

Speaker 2 (10:49):
I think also, I mean, just like girls, girl, and
any term that exists in the fucking world now is
like I feel, pick me has it tends to be,
not tends to but it obviously can be over applied.
But this right here, anytime, I mean, I'm not like
other girls. Boom uh, you know, I don't get along
with other women. I find them annoying, shrill, like whatever,

(11:11):
blah blah, like boom. Those are like all the hallmarks
of a pick me. I just just guys, just get
me better, they're less drama.

Speaker 3 (11:18):
No, those are all pick me.

Speaker 1 (11:22):
It's a red flag. It's a red flag for me.
I think. I think this is an issue that I've
had to confront And I actually started to really look
at this issue because because of this, because of women
using the term interestingly, because I thought, well, surely if
there's an issue with women who are who are coming
across as pick me, then I was like, why don't

(11:44):
I have more male friends? And then I thought, well,
damn it, Danny, that makes you a pick me, you fool.

Speaker 2 (11:48):
No, No, it doesn't work that way, because I mean
it does. A pick me is specifically like about a
specific type of internalized misogyny that kind of can only
apply to women, and it's like about how you want
the men.

Speaker 3 (12:02):
To pick you.

Speaker 1 (12:03):
Well, yes, I agree, well yes, literally speaking yes, but
it also goes to having an understanding of yourself. And
I think it's important for both men and women to
have same sex friends. Yeah, that's it. So that and
that is why I started my little gathering and it's

(12:24):
called Bro's watch movies. And it's funny because whenever I
bring it up to women, they're like, oh, you shouldn't
exclude us, and then I tell them the movies we
watch and then they go, I would never want to
watch that.

Speaker 4 (12:36):
I watch it like The Godfather, like Rambo. I don't
know this is it's not broke. I'm actually, yeah, we're
pretty we are going to go see the Matrix. There's
like this crazy matrix thing. So that's probably the most
purely bro movie.

Speaker 1 (12:49):
But we watch movies that are very like Sinecticky New York,
Lost Highway. It's very like and Betty then you sort
of films.

Speaker 3 (12:59):
Bye have Fun, Have Fun, but not for me.

Speaker 1 (13:04):
But yeah, I mean I think that like this kind
of like I guess we could call it gender traitorism.
It's really bad. And yeah, Sarah, I guess I wanted
to open up because I found myself recently and I
find this a lot when I describe my dating experiences
and stuff, and I guess I guess to be hard
on myself. There are things that I think other people

(13:27):
find to be overly rigid, and oftentimes I just have
these friends who will say, like, you need to examine
that about yourself, which I'm not a big fan of.
And I found myself defensively saying, well, I'm not like
the other guys. And it hurts. As soon as I
said it, I wanted to jump off a bridge.

Speaker 2 (13:49):
Yeah it's okay, we've all done it.

Speaker 1 (13:54):
It's because here's the thing. When I said it, I'm
meaning more like women. I feel like women do have
a perception of men as being completely emotionally unintelligent, and
so it's kind of comes from a reaction to that.
But like, I think for me, the truest nature of
the pick me is being like, I don't I mean,
saying females is like I'm already out vomiting. Yep, terrible.

(14:19):
I also hot take. I think this idea that your
spouse should be your best friend. And I'm not saying
it doesn't work for some people, fine, but like I
don't necessarily think it's it's very hot and intimate. I
think it's kind of cool to have a best friend
and that way you can have save the spouse for
the spouse role.

Speaker 2 (14:36):
You know. Yeah, it's funny because I mean, I'm thinking
about my vows.

Speaker 3 (14:42):
I'm like, will I say Ryan is my best friend?
Maybe because that's the thing you say, but.

Speaker 2 (14:45):
We also like have friends, Like I know who his
best friend is. I don't get all upset when I'm like, oh, Chris,
Oh Chris is your best friend. I'm I'm like, yeah, no,
you should have a friend, like I mean, he has
many friends. But I'm like, I don't have to be
your best friend, but I am your person you probably
spend the most time with.

Speaker 1 (15:04):
Yeah. Yeah, that's a yeah, absolutely, you know. Okay, Well,
I'm happy we unpack that. I mean, let me know
if you have a better way to express to women
that I've publicly released videos of me crying and hours
of me crying over you leaving the podcast, I'm not
like the other guys.

Speaker 3 (15:23):
Yeah, I'll think on that.

Speaker 1 (15:27):
So we talked about this on a previous episode. But
I pulled this for Sarah because you know, I was
very fascinated with you know, we hear about the TV
Hoarders and it's so intense. So I sent Sarah this comment.
I wanted to read it for you guys because this
to me was a very like small just smaller thing.
And this is the thirty tals thing and this is

(15:49):
from the subreddit guy cry and yeah this is this
is what he wrote. He said, it's rarely trash, but
actual stuff that has monetary value to some which is
how she tries to justify retaining it. Currently, most of
our closets are packed with clothes, towels, and betting so
much so we're a family of four and we have
over thirty towels and twenty blankets with a lot of

(16:10):
assorted betting. There's also a lot of decor decorations and
I'm not talking about holiday stuff, which we also had
a large volume of. Another popular item for her to
collect our camping outdoor. Mind you, we have camped twice
in twelve years, but we own four or five tenths
and a lot of other stuff. Dishes primarily for cooking,
are also a hot co commodity for her to retain
in excess.

Speaker 2 (16:32):
I mean, just because you didn't dig this stuff out
of the garbage doesn't mean it's not trash.

Speaker 1 (16:37):
Like a clause break, I love that.

Speaker 2 (16:41):
Open up a poshmark account, you are going to see
that clothing does not have a lot of monetary value,
Like yeah, you know, it's just I don't know what
this woman's like rationale. I mean, you know, hoarding is
never really rational. But if they are excusing it by
saying like, oh, but we could like tell it it's
like unless you have design or clothing, you're not getting it.

Speaker 3 (17:08):
You're not getting anything for that.

Speaker 2 (17:09):
Like that's basically just you know, killing time before it
ends up in a landfill.

Speaker 1 (17:14):
Unfortunately, I'm I'm so grateful for that. I think it's
so reasonable. I think it's a maturity thing. It's something
that you know, is scarcity mindset manifesting in the concrete world.
And you know, I am I have these tendencies, you guys,
I really do with electronics, Like I don't know how

(17:36):
many audio recorders I have. I might have nine. It's
like it's it's a crazy amount. And I could say,
you're in justify And I think that's the other thing
about it. It's like there always is going to be
a justification. But as I've matured and slowly realized the
trap because I do, I feel like an other component
this does kind of combined with retail therapy because even

(17:58):
if it's free, right, there be cost money so that sucks.
But even if it's like like you said, so perfectly.
It's not in the dump yet. It's just it's just
waiting to be trash. It's just trash to be it
has to be. It's this dopamine thing or this good
feeling of the potentiality of something and one thing that
I actually love. Not to go all one wheel on it,

(18:20):
but it's given me satisfaction with time, and I feel
like it's a big growth point for me. Is like
how many miles I have on my one wheel? My
one will us twenty four hundred miles And that makes
me feel really good because I'm like, yeah, this was
an expensive thing, but like I've used it a lot,
so it's like this thing of like, yeah, like shifting

(18:41):
your focus from acquiring things to using things efficiently, and
I think this will just actually beget a lot more
happiness in addition to all the unhappiness that hoarding breeds,
because having clutter makes you feel kind of crazy.

Speaker 2 (18:54):
Yeah, I agree. It's like we all have heard things.
I have too many clothes and I'm always like, oh,
but what if, like I have this very specific event
and I'm gonna need to wear like.

Speaker 3 (19:05):
It has happened before.

Speaker 2 (19:06):
But then it's like, Okay, you get over it, Like
it's not that serious, you know.

Speaker 1 (19:11):
No, I have that. Yeah, I have shoes. I bought
all these fancy shoes when I was dating someone who
is much fancier. And I'm like, what situation, Danny, What
But I can't get I can't get rid of them
because they cost two hundred dollars. I'm like, there's a
two hundur shoes.

Speaker 3 (19:24):
Yeah, yeah, we'll save it for the wedding.

Speaker 1 (19:28):
Yeah, there we go, bust them out. No, they'reuncomfortable. I'm
wearing the black hookahs. It's not illegal. Another thing you
set me here, which Brene Brown kind of threw in
on this. So this is a term. It's kind of
trauma dumping adjacent. And it's called flood lighting. So we
were talking about this, and flood lighting is the practice

(19:49):
of oversharing deeply personal information in a way that may
seem vulnerable but can actually have the opposite effect. It's
more of a defense mechanism to protect the oversharer from
truevill ability. Lately, the term has been making headlines on Reddit,
et cetera. It is an attempt to force a connection
or create a false sense of intimacy with a potential

(20:09):
new partner.

Speaker 2 (20:12):
Like at first I sent this to Danny and I
was like, oh, this is interesting, and then the more
I parsed it out, I was like, this actually just
kind of feels like an example of Cosmo Magazine making
up yet another extremely niche dating term. They had something else.
Oh my god, it was so annoying. It was like

(20:33):
not ghosting and not zombieing, but it was like another thing.
And I'm like, Okay, you guys are just like making
stuff up. I'm like, what actually is this? I don't
even understand what floodlighting is? Like how And I feel
also this definitely like it hinges on you knowing what's
going on in another person's brain, and nobody can ever

(20:56):
know that.

Speaker 3 (20:57):
And I think that's kind of like the problem of
like why.

Speaker 2 (21:01):
Gaslighting and these other terms are just like becoming nonsensical
is because like unless you're you know, unless you've identified
like a consistent pattern of behavior, like you don't know
that that person is is gaslighting you, Like, they might
have a different perception. They might also be lying as
a one off. So I don't know that was my rant.

Speaker 1 (21:25):
Okay, I'm not fully on board for the rant tbh,
but let's go to the first part of the rant,
which I was on board for, which is they're always
coming out with some crazy new term.

Speaker 3 (21:33):
I'm going to find the one on Cosmo.

Speaker 2 (21:34):
I was like, you guys are just literally making stuff
up to keep people subscribed to this magazine.

Speaker 1 (21:39):
I click them.

Speaker 3 (21:40):
I respect, but you know, come on.

Speaker 1 (21:43):
They work on me. They're always like, yeah, it's uh,
it's called backtracking. And this means that somebody takes you
on a hike and then leaves you there and it
gets cold out and so you cuddle with them and
then you're.

Speaker 2 (21:54):
No, actually, and you're just like this is so obscure,
Like who is this for?

Speaker 1 (22:01):
Who is this for? Yeah? I mean I don't know why.
I guess because you know what, they always spell it
like the new trend. Everybody's talking about it, and like
everybody's talking I should be talking about it.

Speaker 2 (22:11):
I'm like, you and your editors got together in a
meeting and we're like, what extremely niche? It's either like
extremely niche or just like very normal experience.

Speaker 3 (22:23):
Can we give a whacky name?

Speaker 2 (22:25):
Now I'm annoyed because I can't find it so true.

Speaker 3 (22:28):
Piss anyway.

Speaker 1 (22:30):
Yeah, so the second part about gas lighting, I get
in this kind of like not spat with people, but
just a misalignment. I don't really think a lot of
these things are intentional. I don't know. This is my
theory of intention. I sort of think living with intention
and living very consciously and in a goal oriented way
is like peak human performance. I mean, for instance, it's

(22:54):
actually very related to this hoarding discussion. It's like, God,
this is a classic Danning. I'll be like, I want
to make more videos, and then so to do that,
I would buy a really expensive camera that I could
barely afford. And do you know how many new videos
are created by owning a camera? Zero? And there's whole
subredits about this, like gear addiction syndrome. It's this a

(23:17):
very like I guess in my experience, I have like
a lot of male friends who do this, and yeah,
it's really like, well, you know, is this goal oriented behavior?
And it's like kind of like it's in that vein right,
like you can make the argument, but like ultimately it's
actually a form of procrastination, moving away from the totally totally.

Speaker 3 (23:39):
You're just like, oh, I need to buy all this stuff.

Speaker 1 (23:41):
No you don't, you don't, And we tell ourselves the
story because it feels good, it feels like we're moving
toward the goal. And so yeah, that's maybe my lighthearted
way of saying. I do think a lot of people
who you know, gaslight or can't take accountability are very
defensive things of this nature. I don't necessarily know that

(24:02):
they recognize or are fully aware of what they're doing.
I think they do it because they're very afraid and
their goal isn't malicious, but that ends up being how
the other person feels.

Speaker 2 (24:15):
No, I mean, I agree, and I've said this before,
just like having been in a relationship with a gas
lad like he did, the problem is it's like there's
this perception that these people have this master plan to
like destabilize you and everything, and it's like that is
the effect or like the impact. But having been on

(24:35):
the other side, like this person was not this like
calculated criminal mastermind, Like he just only like he just
only wanted what he wanted and like anything else that
conflicted with that was like inconvenient and a problem that
he needed to basically talk his way out of, so

(24:55):
he would just like say and do whatever to like
get rid of the problem, which was like me and
my feelings by just like making me think my feelings
were invalid essentially, and it's like there's no master plan, right,
it's just like, oh, I want what I want and
like I don't want anything to get in.

Speaker 1 (25:15):
The way of what I want, right right, Yeah, No,
I think that's it. I think the master plan angle
is actually a projection because the headspace when you know,
when people like you and I, because I think you
and I are ruminators, we're thinking we you know, we're overthinkers.
And whenever I've been involved in dynamics like that, it

(25:38):
leads me on this horrific path where I'm playing back
all the interactions and then it leads to me indicting
myself and I'm like, well, I said this, and I
said this, and I shouldn't have said this, and I
could have worded that better and it just won't stop.
And because of that, I'm that much more vulnerable. When
they're just invalidating, I'm like, you're right. I mean, I'm
a bad person, So what's what's to even really say?

(25:58):
You're so right? And it's it's miserable totally. So going
into this flood lighting, I actually think it's pretty related
to all this because what is Vulnerability is kind of
a key word here, and to me, flood lighting, I'm
not seeing a way that this is really distinct from
trauma dumping. I think this is a very similar thing.
I don't think this is very conscious when people do it.

(26:20):
I think they might do it for any variety of
kind of reasons or lack of reasons. But I think
vulnerability is a key word for me and for me
when I say vulnerable, you know what that means is
if I were to call you, Sarah and say, hey,
you know, I don't want to tell you about something
that happened, and I tell you and then I'm like,
so I'm going to do this in that and you go, okay,

(26:41):
I support you. That is not vulnerable because I'm saying
this is going to go down. I'm going to tell
you I want you to support me. There's kind of
no vulnerability there because I'm not really opening the door
for you to do much else except support me. I
need your support on this, right And there aren't when
you don't want to be vulnerable, like obviously, where it

(27:03):
would just be wildly inappropriate, where it's like you just
want to be supported. Yeah, Whereas I think when it's
a dump when it's a floodlight. I guess for me,
the mark is sort of if someone's like just pouring
all this stuff out on you and you're saying like, oh, well,
have you ever thought of Like, no, don't tell me,
have I ever thought? I don't want to explore this.

(27:24):
I don't want to explore even that it's coming out.
I just want to say it, and I want to go, go, go,
And there's this kind of one sidedness to the interaction
that isn't paying attention to how the other person is
maybe reacting or feeling in this moment.

Speaker 2 (27:39):
Yeah, I mean the dumping part, I understand the part.
I mean, I just don't understand what flood lighting is
because it's like you're trauma dumping, but it says in
an attempt to force a connection or create a false
sense of intimacy, and that again, to me, is going
into like master plan mode like where I just I
can't get on board. And then if I'm the recipient
of this alleged flood lighting, it's like, so I'm making

(28:01):
a judgment call of like what you're doing and why
you're doing it, and I just think, like, I mean,
I just I'm sorry Brune and Browbai.

Speaker 3 (28:08):
I think this term is like bogus.

Speaker 2 (28:10):
I haven't read her book on vulnerability, so maybe I
need to read it, but I just I don't really
understand the utility of it.

Speaker 1 (28:16):
For me. Where it rings true is, you know, there's
a rescuer thing, and I've been involved in situations where
someone is going to share their their hardships, how what
they've gone through, and I think, oh, I want to
help them. I want to be a source of support
for them. And so it was very effective. You know,
I had a lot more lenience, leniency for them and

(28:40):
their behaviors because I was like, well, they went through
that really hard thing. They went through that really hard thing,
you know, and this is the support they need. And
so you know, it's just one of those things that's
so tough because of course there's also people in my
life who have gone through a hard thing and I'm like, Wow,
they went through the hard thing and I'm here for them,
you know. So it just I guess I can say

(29:02):
this like in the way this is worded a potential
new partner very early on, not an established relationship, that
is where I start to feel like it is it
is manipulative. But to meet you, I think this is
meeting you is I don't think the person who's doing
that is necessarily doing it with any negative intent or

(29:23):
knowing that they're forcing a connection. I feel like they're
probably just desperate.

Speaker 2 (29:26):
And I feel I'm like, we have a term for this,
and it's trauma dumping, and the term doesn't imply some
grand plan at the end of it, you know what
I mean. That's just like my problem with these terms
is like I feel like it just it ascribes they
ascribe malice to like something that might have a you know,

(29:47):
sort of human explanation, you know what I'm saying. And
I guess I'm just like where when you're constantly like, oh,
this person is like floodlighting me or this like where
it's just like where are we going to end up?

Speaker 3 (30:02):
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 (30:05):
Yeah, it's just like assuming the worst. I guess that's
my problem is like you're taking something that is like
not great, it's not a like adaptive behavior or whatever,
but like you're kind of assuming the worst and like
ascribing something.

Speaker 3 (30:22):
You know, malicious to it.

Speaker 1 (30:26):
Well, yeah, I mean I posted this TikTok didn't do anyone.
No one cared about it. But my angle is I don't.
I think assigning malice is actually toxic, and it helped
me a lot when I let that go, because here's
the truth. Everyone in your life you should be able
to hold them accountable one hundred percent. Of course, of course,
why would you want to deal with people who are

(30:47):
not accountable. That's very difficult unless they're six months old,
you know. But the reality is life has taught me
not everybody is capable of accountability, not everyone is capable
of agency. There there are people who go through things
that are so unimaginably horrible that I could never never,
And I think this is the humility this is this

(31:08):
is humility of empathy, which is to realize I can never,
for instance, an orphan. I can never understand what it
is like to be an orphan. And I know people
always say this, They go, well, you know, some orphans
are good, well put together people. Sure, some people aren't
head on car crashes and walk away uninjured. But most
of the time something like that will have an incredibly

(31:30):
transformative and probably negative effects, and it's very difficult to overcome.
And so that's why I and also attributing malice to
me put so much darker spin on the world. For me,
it's a lot. That's how I.

Speaker 3 (31:44):
Feel, Yeah, that's how I feel.

Speaker 2 (31:45):
I feel like all these terms and stuff has just
like made people really, I mean not want to be
vulnerable like I've my friend was in like one of
those are we dating the same guy groups and people
will post not even some in they're dating or going
on a date with. They'll be like, should I match
this guy? And it's like, if you can't even trust

(32:07):
your own ability to filter someone on a dating.

Speaker 1 (32:10):
App, don't date one hundred percent.

Speaker 2 (32:16):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (32:16):
I mean when I look at all the you know,
toxic relationships I have, and I feel so good about
this because I want to let it go and it's
helped me let it go to go. You know what,
that was a bad relationship. They're not a bad person.
I'm not a good person. That's not helpful for me.
It just did it work out between us, and I
genuinely wish I'm the best and the easiest way, and

(32:36):
a shortcut for that path is to not not ascribe malice,
but just be like, look, it didn't work out between us.
They are who they are, and that's that, folks. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (32:45):
Yeah, I did a similar thing where instead of like
describing malice, I was like, this is just.

Speaker 3 (32:49):
An extremely emotionally immature person.

Speaker 1 (32:53):
Perfect. I love that. Yeah, it's freeing, you know. And
I think people hear it at as like excusing their behavior,
which it doesn't because like I'm not saying lower your standards.
I'm just saying, really, call it what it is and
it'll probably be easier to understand as well.

Speaker 2 (33:10):
Yeah, and like some people really are like cartoonishly evil
like that, but I think most people are just like
totally lacking in self awareness and like some maybe like
devoid of some empathy, you know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (33:25):
Yeah, Well, I think a lot of people are low empathy,
not because they don't care about others. It's rather because
they're so wrapped up in themselves, in their own problems,
in their own traumas and their own immediate needs. By
the way, I mean, I've also had this thought. I'm like,
you know, it's easy for me to say like, oh,
I'm cooking for people, and I'm baking for people, and
I'm like, well, yeah, and I'm able to do that

(33:47):
because I have time and resources to do that. It's
a luxury. Yeah, you know, really it shouldn't be, goddamn it,
but it is.

Speaker 3 (33:55):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (33:56):
Yeah, So great discussion, Sarah. Always good to have you.

Speaker 2 (34:02):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (34:02):
So I sent you this TikTok and I just thought
it was interesting. So this this girl posted on TikTok
Alice may m a y y xoxo. And so she
she basically tells the story, which I thought was really interesting.
She dropped a couple quotes in here, but the long

(34:23):
and short of it is first thing this guy says
to her, they have a couple of great days, she
spends the night, and then he says his girl best
friend was hot as f first red flag. And really,
actually this is a deep cut, Sah, because I remember
I learned that hot. I think I kind of knew,

(34:44):
but I didn't actually know it, like textually and intellectually
that hot is an illegal word. We discussed this, like
I can't call you hot. I can call you like
as of my friend, I can't call you beautify.

Speaker 3 (34:56):
It's like a sexual component. I feel, uh.

Speaker 1 (35:00):
Yeah, sure, yeah, absolutely absolutely.

Speaker 2 (35:04):
Whereas like pretty beautiful to me, those are more aesthetic,
but hot is like there's another edge to it.

Speaker 1 (35:13):
Interesting, Okay, I didn't necessarily think of it that way,
but that makes sense. Yeah. I mean, do I say
go and heat? Yeah?

Speaker 2 (35:21):
I feel like that's why I like, you know that
thing that that episode in the Office where they're like,
is Hilary Swank hot?

Speaker 3 (35:27):
They're like, she's pretty, she's beautiful, but they're like, no, no, no,
that's not the question. The question is is she hot?
Like there's something else to hotness.

Speaker 1 (35:37):
So, right off the bat, given that kind of regime,
we know that it's already kind of illegal to call
your girl best friend hot. Yeah, then the uh so
she kind of lets it slide. Then she finds ear rings,
So she left ear rings at his house, and she's like, weird.
So that's how that's how they get into that. But
it's okay because she lives a couple of states away NBD,

(36:00):
and then learns she's blonde. She then uh, and she's blonde, right,
op is blonde. So then she goes to his insta
it instantly clocks the best friend from like the following
or so she's like doing some instat stalking. And where
it gets really juicy is so then they keep dating.
She kind of lets it slide and then then she

(36:21):
has the idea that like everybody's living a trope, which
I really loved. I don't know my trope yet, but
she's like, yeah, your trope is you're in love with
your best friend, and so now you love blondes. Yeah,
because she's blonde.

Speaker 3 (36:32):
I see it.

Speaker 1 (36:33):
She goes back and guess what she finds another pair
of earrings, bro.

Speaker 3 (36:39):
And yeah, no, immediately no, and.

Speaker 1 (36:42):
She said that and she was out. But I guess
what I thought was really interesting is and I find
myself having whenever I'm discussing in her personal relationships with people,
I feel like a lot of people want to live
in plazi D Town And I'm like, this girl knows
what she's doing, or maybe she doesn't consciously know, but
what she is fucking doing couldn't be. She is marking
her goddamn territory.

Speaker 2 (37:03):
Baby, I agree, like once, fine, twice No. And also,
if he's dating someone, why is his girl best friend
like visiting from out of state staying with him like multiple.

Speaker 1 (37:13):
Times and she wants you to know she's there. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (37:17):
No.

Speaker 1 (37:19):
I told my friend about this too, and she said,
you know, I said, what's up with this dynamic? And
she said, well, it's just, you know, it's a it's
a fun it's a fun dynamic. If you're if you're
not really concerned about the other person, right to have
someone who adores you, who you know you're never gonna be.

Speaker 3 (37:33):
With, totally, it's fucked.

Speaker 1 (37:36):
I get it. But yeah, I thought it was interesting,
you know. I mean, this has been happening. More people
leave stuff here, and I actually took my friend's air pods,
and then I was like, did I subconsciously do that
so that she would have to come get them? No?
I could have. I had my other AirPods in the pocket,
so my brain, in theory, could have known AirPods and

(37:57):
left and then put AirPods in. Right, Yes, that's true,
But I'm more likely to believe that my brain is
like always air on the side of having too many AirPods, because.

Speaker 3 (38:06):
Is there anything worse? You're hoarding AirPods.

Speaker 1 (38:09):
At air pods order. Yeah, man, all right, folks, Well Sarah,
it's such a joy to have you. We're going to
cover a couple of Wow, I can talk. We're going
to cover a couple of situations here. Second on the
list ata for fireg teacher for moo lighting ooh, ai TA.
First up, folks, please rate, review, subscribe on Patreon hundreds

(38:32):
of bonus episodes at least over one hundred was Sarah,
You'll love to see it. Folks, here we go. First up,
it's the sponsor today is better Help. Mental health awareness
is growing. Did you know twenty six percent of Americans
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(38:55):
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(39:15):
very important to find compatibility. You guys know I have
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And the other part I like about therapy is you
know you're not putting too much weight on your friends
and family. They're tired of your of your crap. I
mean they're not. I mean I don't mean that. That sounds harsh,
but you know it can You could put a lot
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(39:36):
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to my GF for liking a classmates and friends instapost

(39:59):
of her pole dancing friend of mine from grad school
is a pole dancer by sport. She takes it seriously
and has one competitions. She's not a stripper and by
no means post anything that can be construed as a
thirst trap. Her Instagram is mostly her pole dancing because
she's an instructor and teaches her. Outfits consist mainly of
athletic where Jim running shorts, tops whatever. Every year the

(40:23):
school has a talent show, which I attended. And I
didn't even attend to see her, nor did I know
she'd be performing. Wow defensive, Yeah right. I follow this
friend on instant and she posted her performance. I like
to show my support, so I liked it. It's the
only post of hers I liked. GF says she found
this girl's profile through suggested on ig and saw I
liked it, which made her blow up. She called me

(40:44):
a creep for liking a thirst trap, that it's disrespectful
to her as my GF for liking it, and that
if her friends saw it, they'd be embarrassed. It'd be
embarrassing for her. She also said this when she blew
up on me. It kind of discussed me, you're looking
at any other woman. I don't do that. I would
never disrespect you like. I would also not seek out
attention like that from anyone or give it. I deserve
the same, especially some lame ass pole dancer. That's just disrespectful.

Speaker 2 (41:08):
AI ta Oh my god, No, I mean his whole
post reached of someone who has a very controlling partner,
and it's like I didn't go just to see her,
like I just happened to be in the building, like
I swear it wasn't you know. It's just like WHOA
OP did nothing w I'm ready to drop a OP
did nothing wrong because actually one of my friends like
does pole dancing. The only reason I feel very like

(41:29):
ready to firmly side with OP is one of my
friends does like a lot of pole dancing classes and
post videos, and I'm like, I can picture exactly the outfit.
It's probably what I wore to the Paylo Tones studios,
like a sports bra, bike shorts.

Speaker 3 (41:42):
It's very athletic.

Speaker 2 (41:43):
Honestly, it's not like a sexual like you're not towerking
up there. I mean you could, but like it's really
more like an athletic thing.

Speaker 1 (41:53):
Yeah, I think it's It could be a little dicey.
I mean, obviously everything you said is true, but but
it's also you know, it's not archery, it's not bowling,
like it is very exposing.

Speaker 2 (42:06):
So yeah, but what if it was like ballet or
like any other form of dance, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (42:12):
Yeah, I mean, for me, I'm kind of like, do
I think it's it's First of all, let me just
say I do believe that the way the algoes work
is to feed people this kind of thing. In other words,
I don't necessarily think you need to be creeping to
find this information out, and I actually believe her. For instance,

(42:36):
I would probably think that you know, your spouse's Instagram
is gonna and then it's going to be like you
know your spouse like this, Like that's something the algoes
will feed.

Speaker 3 (42:46):
Maybe.

Speaker 2 (42:47):
Yeah, I mean I believe that she found it through
the suggested people, because it's like, oh, you might know her,
like you have mutuals.

Speaker 1 (42:54):
I do. I think it's a reasonable thing to say
to your guy, don't like, you know, pictures of women
with their bodies exposed on Instagram. I'm struggling. I'm struggling
to find it unreasonable to be honest.

Speaker 2 (43:07):
But that's such a blanket statement. Yeah, that's such a
blanket statement.

Speaker 1 (43:12):
Though.

Speaker 2 (43:13):
It's like, for me, can you apply that, like, what
is a body exposed?

Speaker 1 (43:21):
Like? Yeah, yeah, I don't know. For me, it's playing
with fire just from everything I've learned about, you know, women, beauty, pressure, jealousy.
Do I think it's the healthiest impulse? No? Not really.
I'm like, I don't really think it's reasonable to be
that jealous. That said, I'm like, is there any reason
for me to be liking even a picture that even

(43:43):
could be argued as having the faintest whiff of thirst
And you're one hundred percent right, is ballet thirsty?

Speaker 2 (43:52):
No?

Speaker 1 (43:53):
But the reality is that it does.

Speaker 2 (43:55):
But some people would say, you know, if someone would say, too,
if you're doing like modern dam and send, you're in
a leotard and like tights, or they would say that's
so I don't know, but.

Speaker 1 (44:06):
There's nothing wrong with going to the beach, you know,
there's nothing wrong with going to the beach and wearing
a little bit there.

Speaker 3 (44:11):
But then your body's exposed.

Speaker 1 (44:13):
And your body's exposed, and I'm like, in the end,
I guess, I guess as time has gone on, I
do feel like it's just the reality of how the
outgoes work that your partner is probably going to see
it and they don't want to see that. They don't
want to see that. You know what, Here's here's what
I think it's right.

Speaker 2 (44:30):
But I'm mostly this is people, you know, and this
is like a very non sexual context, Like I don't know,
the whole thing just freaks of like distrust.

Speaker 1 (44:42):
Yeah, well yeah, but security. Let me let me paint
this irl example for you. You know. Imagine you're with
your spouse or whatever, and you go to the beach
with your friend and everybody is in a bikini, which
is perfectly normal. I would I would probably tell any
husband not to say the following sentence to a woman,

(45:05):
I like that bikini on you. How about we don't
say that. How about we agree say that.

Speaker 2 (45:11):
I don't think an Instagram like is like equivalent to
I like that bikini on you.

Speaker 1 (45:17):
I feel like it's even softer. It's saying I like
the bikini on you. It's not even saying you look
good in the bikini. It's very indirect, and I'm just like,
don't touch it. Don't fucking say it. Don't like it
for me, you just don't touch it. I mean, I'm
saying touch it as a reference it, don't reference it.

Speaker 2 (45:35):
I mean, I just think it's like your friends. People
like photos of their friends. You're like, hey, this is
my friend.

Speaker 1 (45:43):
I just don't so you're unbothered. You're telling me if
your fiance you would not care.

Speaker 2 (45:50):
No, if this was his friend, who, like, I know,
does these dance compositions. I'm like, yeah, it's fine.

Speaker 1 (45:59):
I think that's super reasonable. Wow, Okay, but I mean
I think it's great. I think it's great. I would
I prefer that to me. That seems healthy, it seems trusting.
I just I understand it. I understand it. I'm like,
I think I think this is understandable.

Speaker 2 (46:13):
I think this girl's full of shit. Like, honestly, I
think this girl's full of shit. She's like calling him
a creep for liking a thirst trap. I don't think
that's fair to call it a thirst trap. But then
she goes, I don't even look at men. I would
never look at another man, like shut the fall like
that is, you don't live in reality, Like.

Speaker 1 (46:32):
With you there, with you there. She got up way
more than she can show. She did up way more
than she could chruse. She broke all my conflict rules.
She insulted him. You know, I think you're one hundred
percent right. It wasn't a thirst trap. That is an
inaccurate characterization. This is ridiculous. These are a bunch of
always and never statements. It's like, give me a goddamn break.

(46:53):
I do think that that she's the asshole, But I
think can we meet in the middle at all that?
Do you? I mean, do you think of yourself? Do
you think your policy is very reasonable? Would you find
do you? Let's just say following this right, So she apologized,

(47:14):
She said I went too far. But I don't want
you liking girls showing skin. That's what she says. I
don't want I don't want to like you watching eddie
girls showing skin on Instagram? Do you think that's unreasonable?

Speaker 2 (47:25):
Yes, because, uh, that means you have to get off Instagram.

Speaker 1 (47:29):
Like no, she's saying, don't like it. You could look
at it, don't like it.

Speaker 2 (47:34):
I don't know, I'm like your friends, Like she's wearing
a tank top.

Speaker 3 (47:40):
It's just like, I don't know.

Speaker 2 (47:41):
I'm just like, that's an insane policy that's like impossible
to enforce unless you're doing some kind of like Jerconian standards.

Speaker 1 (47:55):
Okay, all right, well we're not quite aligning. I don't know.
I think it's a little understandable. It's you know, I
think it it invokes jealousy. I personally agree with you, though.
If my girl was liking a picture a guy with abs,
I would probably tickle her and belie.

Speaker 2 (48:13):
It's like, is it a model who is like basically
in their briefs or is it friend her friend who
happens to be like, you know, at the beach.

Speaker 1 (48:25):
Her friend plays volleyball and he's showing off his abs
in a volleyball picture and he looks hot.

Speaker 2 (48:35):
I mean, this is like a different I just feel
like this is a different context. Where it's like, you know,
it's I guess the way I would compare this is like,
this is an action shot of him like going to
jump and spike the ball.

Speaker 1 (48:49):
It's fine, that's pretty good. I mean, you got me there,
spiking the ball feels very difficult to in dit on.

Speaker 3 (48:58):
Thank you.

Speaker 1 (49:01):
Yeah. I think. Look, I think if the conflict is
handled in a fair way, which is like if she
had said, like, I know that this is I know
if she's pole dancing, it's a physical activity. I feel
threatened by it. I think I would say, you know what,
I'm perfectly happy to accommodate you because you're my girl,
and I don't want you to feel that way.

Speaker 3 (49:20):
Yeah, I think that's fair.

Speaker 2 (49:21):
And to just say, like, I know that she is
not pole dancing, and like, I'm not trying to malign
sex workers at all, but I'm just saying, like if
she had said, like, I know that she is not,
you know, pole dancing as a form of eliciting arousal,
like I understand that, but there is the association obviously
with the sort of activity, I would say, like, I

(49:43):
understand that because of the association, whereas like nobody is
like nobody's going to a club to watch people do
ballet to get hard.

Speaker 1 (49:52):
You know, that's almost like bro is so horny. He's
classy about it. You're like, damn, really He's like, yeah,
I'm gonna go see the symphony. Actually gets my rocks off,
and you're like, you know, honestly, I support that, Kyle, Like,
go for it, man, that's good for you. I'm proudly Yeah, dude,
I'm going to the MoMA. There's some tits over there,

(50:13):
So all right, dude, that's you know what, good for you. Man,
I'm by your membership, all right. At a to my
GF for like get classmated Friends instant post. I think
we agree that this this, this was too far. The
way this was handled. I think we're slightly misaligning, but
I think we agree that it's not crazy to have

(50:34):
this as a standard, but the way it's communicated has
to be very clean.

Speaker 3 (50:38):
Yeah, I agree, all right, folks.

Speaker 1 (50:42):
Next on the list is ATA for firing a teacher
for moonlighting. Oh.

Speaker 3 (50:48):
I listened to this one on the pod, so I'm excited.

Speaker 1 (50:52):
Oh we already did this. Yes, I'm losing my head.

Speaker 3 (50:57):
I want to talk about it.

Speaker 1 (50:59):
Okay, why I don't remember this, am I crazy?

Speaker 4 (51:02):
I'm confusing Ita for viritage overmoon lighting.

Speaker 1 (51:06):
I thirty seven f have a doctor in education and
the principle of an elementary school. This year, I made
it clear that recording social media videos inside classrooms was prohibited.
I find it disgusting how our society exploits children online.
It's a violation of privacy and is taking away from
education time. I do not tolerate unprofessionalism at the sake
of children. Last week, I received an email complaint from

(51:29):
a parent with a link to a TikTok video went
viral and showed the face of one of the teachers
at my school talking to the class. No students were visible,
but they can be heard speaking and goofing around. Parent
was uncomfortable with even the chance of their child appearing
in videos on TikTok. I thank them and let them
know the matter would be handled internally. I had a
meeting with the teach. Teach got defensed, argued no teaching,

(51:53):
no students were shown in the video, and that they
earned a sizeable monetary check for the video going viral
by their admission, and I terminated the teacher on grounds
of moonlighting. They're paid to teach, not to create content.
The teacher's parting words, or that they were significantly underpaid
and had no choice but to have a side hustle.
I said they needed to do it on their own time.
They called me an asshole AATA for firing a teacher

(52:13):
for moonlighting.

Speaker 2 (52:14):
No, I do remember that you guys covered this because
I remember really disagreeing with what you all were saying, So.

Speaker 1 (52:27):
I remember now fortunately.

Speaker 2 (52:29):
I mean, first of all, I'm like, no, you were
not fired for moonlighting. That's like such a like a
to B two C jump. It's like you were fired
for filming social media content on the job. And frankly,
many of us, unless we worked in social media, would
get in trouble for that, and even if we did,
we would still probably get in trouble for filming for

(52:49):
our own personal social media on company times. So like, no,
you're not actually moonlighting it because you're doing it during
work hours in your classroom.

Speaker 1 (52:59):
Oh okay, so OP did themselves dirty because they actually
understated the charges. But the teacher, but yeah, yeah, oh
well OP fired the teacher.

Speaker 2 (53:11):
Yeah, And the teacher's like, you fired me for moonlighting,
and it's like, no, I fired you for another reason?

Speaker 1 (53:18):
Got it? Okay? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know
if I agree with that. Example, you know, you work
at Joey's Bakery and after the morning rush, everybody buys
their buns hot crossbuns. Why not you know? You then

(53:42):
you know, post a little TikTok to your personal account
about a little story during your smoke break. Is that
in your view.

Speaker 2 (53:55):
Not? I mean it could be like I just think,
you know, some places are chill about it in someplace
or not, and like it's really up to your employer.
But I think this person made it pretty clear. And
also like you're a teacher, Like I feel like this
has come up with like doctors in hospitals. It's like, bro,
you should not be doing TikTok dance in between patients.

(54:19):
And it's like up to that hospital or schools whatever,
like discretion, Like if they want to say don't be
on your phone on the job, then like don't be
on your phone making videos.

Speaker 1 (54:35):
Right, Okay, well let's let's go to a doctor. So
a doctor is first of all surrounded by sensitive material
mm hmm. Children and I would say generally are not.
There's nothing really wrong about for instance, showing I guess
you could show a child's name, but how would they

(54:55):
tie it to a specific child that's not a medical record.

Speaker 2 (54:58):
I mean, I mean, first of all, it's not your child,
So I mean, and there is so many articles and
studies about I mean, what this person said, how kids
are being exploited online, and it's like really gross and disgusting.

Speaker 1 (55:13):
And no child was exploited in this case, Isn't that right?

Speaker 2 (55:19):
Yeah, not technically, but I see why the parent is
not comfortable like this person, I feel like doesn't really
take what this principle is saying very seriously, I think.
And yeah, I'm also it's like, you're in the middle
of a lesson, why are you filming at TikTok?

Speaker 1 (55:37):
I don't know about that. Is that the case?

Speaker 2 (55:41):
Well, if the kids are in the room and the
teachers in the classroom, class is probably going on.

Speaker 1 (55:48):
The video showed the face of one of the teachers
at my school talking to their classroom and they can
be heard speaking and goofing around. I mean, it's just
hard hard for me to imagine how that could be
really an issue in any practical way. I mean, is

(56:10):
what could that possibly entail?

Speaker 2 (56:14):
I don't think it needs to be like, oh, this
person is going to identify my child by the voice.
But it's like, I just don't think that you should
be filming tiktoks during class, especially.

Speaker 1 (56:26):
As the teacher suppose they suppose they were a failed
comedian and not something I identify with by the way
I sure crying. And so then they were doing some
good riffs during their little lessons, and so they recorded
themselves and then watching it back, they're like, this riff

(56:46):
kind of kills and then they put the riff out
onto TikTok. I guess I'm really failing to see from
a perspective of practical effects, what practically is wrong with that.

Speaker 3 (57:00):
I just don't think that that's like important.

Speaker 2 (57:02):
Frankly, Like, these are children, and I think if like
you're not comfortable with someone who's like videoing around your
children and like posting them online, I think that's just
like very reasonable, especially because you kind of already know
like how your workplace feels about this, Like.

Speaker 1 (57:22):
Yeah, yeah, I guess for me, I'm just like there's
no harm. So this feels like an arbitrary rule. This
parent can feel that way, but the reality is that
your children could be anywhere and they could be filmed,
and they weren't filmed. They weren't even really I would

(57:43):
say captured. Rather, there was a sort of a crowd
walla which they happen to be a part of. And
I don't I don't really think that that's any privacy
has been violated. I would say if this argument was
I'm the principal and they're told this is the policy,

(58:04):
and that's the policy, so I have to fire them,
then I could actually be more on board. But that's
not what they're saying. They're saying it's disgusting that our
society exploits children. Well, no children were exploited. There was
no major violation of privacy. I mean, for me, they're
reason But then.

Speaker 2 (58:18):
You're going to wait until there is, Like I think
this person like doesn't take this seriously. And they're not
getting fired for moonlighting. They're getting fired for like basically
just not listening to this social media policy.

Speaker 3 (58:32):
She said.

Speaker 2 (58:32):
They made it clear that recording social media videos inside
classrooms was prohibited. Like that seems pretty caught and dry
to me. And this person is trying to like sort
of nitpick the rules, you know.

Speaker 1 (58:43):
But like I said, isn't there an ambiguity here? Op rights?
They are paid to teach, not to create content for TikTok.
But again, couldn't I be recording my lesson plan that's
a video that I'm later rechanneling into TikTok.

Speaker 2 (58:55):
I think if you're doing it outside of the school,
like that is fine.

Speaker 1 (59:01):
I am doing it. I'm posting it outside of school.
I just I shot the video during school because it
was my lesson.

Speaker 2 (59:06):
Plan with no then I don't think that's fair why
this person said is prohibited?

Speaker 1 (59:12):
But what is prohibited? Because my question bill me is okay,
my question to you is if I fill my lesson
plans to optimize them to learn what what's killing? Because
I'm trying to make the fucking sixth graders laugh really hard?
What's wrong with that?

Speaker 2 (59:30):
I don't think anything's wrong with it. I think this
person has a problem with like it being posted publicly?

Speaker 1 (59:37):
Wow, Why am not I allowed to post it? It's
my content that I'm mad.

Speaker 3 (59:42):
I just think you're we're not going to disagree.

Speaker 2 (59:44):
I mean we're not going to agree on this because
I just like deeply don't think it's like okay because
you're making a decision involving people's kids that are not
your kids.

Speaker 1 (59:55):
In the video final Let's but do you agree with
me in that Joey's bake shop on my smoke break?

Speaker 3 (01:00:00):
If Joey doesn't mind, then you can take Joey mind.

Speaker 1 (01:00:03):
Is Joey an asshole if he says there's no fucking
tiktoks when you're on my fuck a bakery property? Okay?
Is he being an asshole considering it does not affect
the business or any of the customers to be for
someone to be shooting a fucking TikTok during their smoke break.

Speaker 3 (01:00:21):
I really don't know.

Speaker 2 (01:00:22):
I mean, it's like, okay, their business, then they can
do what they want.

Speaker 1 (01:00:27):
Well, that's their right. I agree with you legally, But
the question to me is does it make you an
asshole to be a hard ass when, let's face it,
no one is being impacted. There's no actual negative impact
beyond a parent who needs to get a hobby making
a fuss about a non incident their child was not captured.
For me, That's that's how this is. It sounds like
we are stuck at an impass though. Yeah, horror Candy

(01:00:52):
rights Yta. She has a point. And by her own admission,
no child was exploited. Street board done nine four hours.

Speaker 3 (01:00:58):
I guess.

Speaker 2 (01:00:58):
I just I think someone who is already going into
it with this mindset of like, how can I skirt
around this very clear rule, and they're already incentivized because
they're gonna they're like trying to make money on this,
so you're gonna try to keep pushing the algorithm to
see how many more views you can get. I kind
of think you don't wait until they I mean, listen,
I don't really know about the process of like firing

(01:01:19):
a teacher, but I can understand of like, you don't
really want to wait until they continue pushing the boundary.

Speaker 1 (01:01:27):
I like what you're saying, but that's not what OP
is saying. OHP is invoking other things that I'm less
comfortable with. They said, I don't like the president of
the sets, my authority is being disrespected.

Speaker 2 (01:01:38):
Kind of is true because they had a very clear
rule and the person disobeyed the rule, and then instead
of being like, you know what, I'm sorry, like they're
kind of digging their heels in and trying to make
this about another thing.

Speaker 1 (01:01:51):
I mean, I guess to see your side here, the
fact that somebody is complaining is an issue. They are
sort of a customer, so to speak. Yeah, it's just
I think I think for me, the context is important.
Let's go to the doctor, right, a doctor. If my
fucking doctor is making a goddamn TikTok, I'm gonna be
pissed because I'm like, bro, like, tell me, I'm not

(01:02:11):
paying up the ass to be here and you're fucking
around on TikTok.

Speaker 2 (01:02:14):
Yeah, But then I could say the same thing to
you of like if they're in the office and there's
no forms visible and they're just doing like a trending dance,
like it doesn't actually impact or reference your sensitive medical
information at all.

Speaker 3 (01:02:26):
But like, well, I think I.

Speaker 1 (01:02:29):
Plead reality is real because I'm like, well, yeah, and
a doctor is also making three hundred thousand dollars a year,
whereas a teacher is making thirty six thousand dollars a year,
And so yes, to me, that does factor in. Like
I expect you to comport yourself and not be running
any kind of a side hustle when you're making bookuo
butts baby interesting, whereas in you're at Jerry's Big Shop
having your smoke break or you're a teacher, you know,

(01:02:50):
scraping by. I'm like, yeah, let them like free channel
their lesson plan. Like I don't understand the issue.

Speaker 2 (01:02:55):
For me, it feels I think you could rechannel your
lesson plan, like just film yourself at home.

Speaker 3 (01:03:05):
I think you're like involving the kids.

Speaker 2 (01:03:06):
In it, and that's just like a very like dicey territory.

Speaker 1 (01:03:11):
Frankly, that is that is that that wording. That wording
is hard to escape. It does involve the kids. It
involves the kids, Thank you. I think that's hard to escape.
I don't like the way, Oh he made their case,
but you're making a good case, a better case than they.

Speaker 3 (01:03:31):
Have, Okay, on principal of the school.

Speaker 1 (01:03:34):
I don't think it's a violation of privacy. It's I
don't think it's really unprofessional, and I don't think it's
at the sake of the children. However, I do think
it is correct to say it is involving the children,
and that for me is going to do it. You're right,
You're right, it involves the kids. There's no way around it.
You are involving the kids for social media presence. I

(01:03:56):
think you got me. It's for firing teacher for moonlighting.
I really don't like op, but I think Sarah is right.
It's it's not. It's not, it's not. It's not Jerry's
big shop because you're involving the kids. That's it, all right,
all right, you got me, well done. Sarah's a kid,
all right, folks, Please rate, review, subscribe, Join me on Patreon.

(01:04:18):
Two hundred fifty plus bonus episodes. Every single episode episode
ad free. We love to see it. People, get on there. Please.
It's five freaking dollars.

Speaker 3 (01:04:27):
Guys, please, that is literally less than a cup of coffee.

Speaker 1 (01:04:31):
Now.

Speaker 3 (01:04:31):
I don't know if that's one of your marketing poise, but.

Speaker 1 (01:04:34):
I'll try everything. These guys aren't joining people. I I
there's a kind of listener who's like, I've listened to
every episode. I'm like, wow, you've listened to all seven
hundred episodes and they're like, well, not the bonus. I'm like, why,
why is the line where I could benefit? They're like, well,
I don't want you to have half a coffee on
my dime.

Speaker 3 (01:04:54):
Once a month, half a coffee.

Speaker 2 (01:04:56):
I went into my office, I got a latte at
the place downstairs.

Speaker 3 (01:05:00):
It was nine dollars.

Speaker 1 (01:05:03):
It's crooked. I remember, everything is a million dollars now.
It's so upsetting, but we're gonna get through it, folks,
We're gonna get through it. And yet Sarah won't let
a fucking teacher make a TikTok bang or folks, it's
Sarah's regime, all right, guys, you're gonna wrap up? Yes, Hey,

(01:05:23):
I ta for making my sister's gender reveal k gray
because she wouldn't tell me the gender. I twenty three
m make as a hobby, and I'm actually pretty good
at it, Like I get paid under the table for
weddings and baby showers. Kind of good.

Speaker 3 (01:05:38):
Danny, did you write this?

Speaker 1 (01:05:39):
I know, right? Did I? This is freaking me out.
My sister's the pregnant and wanted me to make the
cake for her gender reveal. Cool, no prop I asked
her to send me the info, you know, classic pink
or blue fill? She says, Oh no, I want to
be surprised, to just make it neutral for the reveal.
We'll find out together. I was like, what it works?
You want to start a gender reveal CA when no

(01:06:00):
gender revealed? She says, okay, okay, I'll have someone email.
The info problem is info never came. Deadline comes. I
still have no gender, so I make the cake. It's
gray inside gray outside, Oh, full on cement. I even
added little fondante clouds for effect. It still tastes great,
but visually grim as hell. The revealed day comes and

(01:06:21):
I still have no gender. So I make the cake.
It's gray, gray, gray gray. They cut into it, sister
looks pissed, husband's confused. People start murmuring. Then she pulls
me aside. Why would you make it gray? That's so
passive aggressive? I calmly reminded her that no one told
me the gender. I had no data. I told her
it wasn't about to guess or go full improv on
someone's baby.

Speaker 3 (01:06:41):
Can imagine. Oh my god.

Speaker 1 (01:06:43):
Now my mom says I embarrassed her in front of
the family, that I should have tried harder, tried harder
to do what smmon the gender through vibes? Ata for
making the most neutral reveal cake in history.

Speaker 3 (01:06:53):
Well you can do that now, I'm just kidding. You
can summon the vibes.

Speaker 2 (01:06:58):
This is so funny because it's like, I feel like
I want to say that the op was wrong, but
I do think that this is hilarious.

Speaker 1 (01:07:10):
Here's my question for Ope. Have you heard of yellow, babe?
You're gonna love yellow?

Speaker 3 (01:07:15):
Yeah? Green, the gray.

Speaker 2 (01:07:19):
I think the gray was like a very deliberate choice
to be an asshole. I think if they were just
like so I made a yellow cake like you said,
we would say, fine, you are gonna.

Speaker 1 (01:07:31):
Love yellow, my man, that is the color for you.
It is Yeah, I mean this to me. It's just
I don't even know how you get there. I'm guessing
black and white food coloring. Have you made something gray?

Speaker 3 (01:07:46):
I did because, oh what?

Speaker 2 (01:07:50):
My friend had a great British Makeoff themes party and
one of the challenges was to decorate a cookie as
one of the birthday girl's favorite people. So I decorated
a cookie to look like my dad. I wonder, thank you,
thank you?

Speaker 1 (01:08:10):
Yeah. So Ope kind of clarifies that they did follow
up to double check, and they said quote. I did
follow up. Asked her a couple of days before the
reveal if the info had been sent. She just said
something like, yeah, someone's taking care of it. I figured
it was handled. Oh sorry, they're a mail and I
shouldn't do that that accent. I figured it was handled.

(01:08:31):
I don't want to post to her, since she seemed
chill a lot of If she really wanted the gender
and the cake, she could a double check too. I
was relying on the system she set up and it
just didn't come through.

Speaker 3 (01:08:40):
I get it.

Speaker 2 (01:08:41):
But it's also just like, it clearly wasn't handled because
you didn't have the information and you made a great cake.

Speaker 1 (01:08:49):
Nobody would make a great cake. That's non standard. It's
not a thing.

Speaker 2 (01:08:53):
So it's just like, Okay, you thought it was handled,
but your lack of critical information shows that it obviously wasn't.
And then instead of just doing something like nice, you know,
like a good old yellow, you were like, no, I'm
gonna choose the most passive aggressive color possible so that
everybody knows that I didn't get the information.

Speaker 1 (01:09:16):
You know, this reminds me. So there's there's a Oliver
Sacks story. Didn't even hate when you quote neurologists that
are dead, but he has a story about a guy
who was in a bizarre accident and actually loses the
ability to see in color. He sees it black and white,
and it was very hard for him to eat because

(01:09:37):
food looks super gross when it's gray.

Speaker 2 (01:09:40):
Ooh wow, Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:09:45):
Yeah, it's not a super appetizing color. There's really no
food that's gray. I guess salt is kind of white. Really.

Speaker 2 (01:09:51):
Yeah, I was kind of thinking, like what cake color
is worse than gray? And I was like, white is fine,
black is okay? Even brown it's obviously fine.

Speaker 1 (01:10:00):
It's chocolate.

Speaker 3 (01:10:01):
Yeah, I'm like gray, he's the worst one you could
have picked.

Speaker 1 (01:10:04):
I think, yeah, you're right, there's really no way to go.
It's wrong except gray because it's not the color of
a food. Yeah, dang, is there any food that's gray?

Speaker 2 (01:10:16):
Mm?

Speaker 1 (01:10:19):
There really isn't ice? Ice is turkey? Burger's good? God? Yeah,
I think this is just uh, this was hostile. I mean,
this guy, he knew what he was doing. He was
twenty three, he's he's apparently a great baker, but not
a great Uh. He wanted the why would you do?
Don't mess with someone's gender reveal party? Come on?

Speaker 3 (01:10:40):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:10:42):
Also could have done pink blue mix. That could be cool,
half pink hat blue, then yeah, take the cake.

Speaker 2 (01:10:47):
There was like a lot of I feel like there
were a lot of ways out of it. I think
he just wanted to be like, hey, everybody, my sister
fucked up.

Speaker 1 (01:10:56):
Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's like, bro, calm down. I think also,
the hate for these has really faded. I mean I
feel like we came to this point, but it's like,
what's wrong with a party really? When it comes down
to it, I think.

Speaker 2 (01:11:12):
As long as they're doing something normal, that's not going
to like set fire to half the country like whatever, Yeah,
bake a cake, do like like a well, balloons are
bad for the environment, but like some people like pop
a balloon and it's the confetti something low key.

Speaker 1 (01:11:30):
So he says he made. Yeah, I'm with that fond
ont icing, and since I'm in my baking era, I've
got to see what this is, you know.

Speaker 3 (01:11:38):
But you know what Fondon is. It's like the hard icing.

Speaker 1 (01:11:41):
Oh it's sometimes gelatine and glycerine. Okay, yeah, I mean
this is a problem I have, you know, because Danny's
cakes don't really have icing. I've only made icing once
m because let me just say, I feel like icing
is such a fucking diva. You put icing on a cake.
It's the icing show now true. Butter cream oh god,

(01:12:05):
and it's so easy to make too, I mean it's
literally that's the thing too. Icing is like cookies once
you make it, You're like, oh, that's what that is.
Like it's fucking mainly powdered sugar. It's just sugar.

Speaker 3 (01:12:16):
And like butter, I think all roads lead to butter.

Speaker 1 (01:12:19):
For us, it's crazy how many roads lead to butter.
It's really just wild. And yet people judge me for
eating butter straight, but that's pretty much what you're doing.
It's their problem.

Speaker 2 (01:12:29):
Okay, now that I know that you don't make your
cake with icing, I could understand how you could eat
a whole cake.

Speaker 1 (01:12:34):
Oh okay, well I'm happy we were able to see
ey to either.

Speaker 3 (01:12:37):
Yeah, because then it's like it's chocolate y bread, you know.

Speaker 1 (01:12:42):
I like it vanilla e, just a nice little vanilla e.
Just a tough And actually this is a compliment that's
been given to me, they say. I like that it's
not too sweet, you know, because I just like a nice,
little delicate cake and I can just eat it over
the course of three hours and I don't feel like
a pit.

Speaker 3 (01:13:03):
Now I want cake.

Speaker 1 (01:13:05):
The other sort of quote unquote microaggression is women will
kind of be like, you made this from scratch, and
I'm like, what does that mean? Like do you think
I tilled the fields, or do you think I mix
the five ingredients it takes to make a goddamn cake?
I think I can.

Speaker 2 (01:13:20):
Well, it just means like you didn't go to the
grocery store aisle and get it in a box and
add like one egg and put in.

Speaker 1 (01:13:27):
I know, and I'm little now that I'm in this era,
I am like, it is such a joke. I'll never
buy a mix again. It's such a scam. Everything is
literally flour and like one other ingredient, bro Like literally
it's three like okay, what is it? Baking powder? Salt?

Speaker 3 (01:13:45):
It's so true, Like Homie, You're not that complicated.

Speaker 1 (01:13:49):
It's really not. And the raw ingredients are like, I
mean flowers, literally, like do you have five dollars? Okay,
you now have enough flour to kill someone with if
you want, Like, bro, true, I actually bought a cake
decorating kit, so I am looking. I want to make
like really corny like frosting art at some point, so

(01:14:11):
I'm building to it with the fondant. Yeah, I guess
so right, make some hard fondant. Well, Sarah, this has
been an absolute blast, and yeah, it's so good to see.

Speaker 3 (01:14:24):
You you too. This was so fun. Thank you for
having me.

Speaker 1 (01:14:28):
You didn't even talk about your stand up journey, but yeah,
obviously everybody follows Sarah lemme.

Speaker 3 (01:14:32):
Thank you.

Speaker 2 (01:14:34):
And if you are on Peloton, if you take Hannah
Corbin's uh what was the intervals and arms right from
May seventeenth, I do get a shout out.

Speaker 3 (01:14:44):
She mentioned me by name.

Speaker 1 (01:14:46):
There we go. All right, folks, well that's the app.
Check out Sarah on paylow tone and say that and
we'll see you guys next time.

Speaker 3 (01:14:57):
Bye bye