October 2, 2024 • 43 mins
An increasing number of sober, sober curious, and recovering people have found that alcohol is not necessary. Kristi Tanner is a single mother of four in long-term recovery who serves as a recovery coach and the driving force behind Sober Social, a non-alcoholic bottle shop (AKA a "package store" or "party store") in Middleton, Wisconsin. Kristi is a passionate advocate for sober living and community inclusion. She discusses her recovery and her decision to open the first non-alcoholic bottle shop in the state of Wisconsin. Sober Social and Kristi can be reached at Sober Social, and Kristi’s Instagram is at @mocktailmommy.
The views and opinions of the guests on this podcast are theirs and theirs alone and do not necessarily represent those of the host, Westwords Consulting or the Kenosha County Substance Abuse Coalition.
We're always interested in hearing from individuals or organizations who are working in substance use disorder treatment or prevention, mental health care and other spaces that lift up communities. This includes people living those experiences. If you or someone you know has a story to share or an interesting approach to care, contact us today!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Mike (00:12):
Welcome, everybody.
This is Avoiding the AddictionAffliction, brought to you by
Westwords Consulting and the KenoshaCounty Substance Use Coalition.
I'm Mike McGowan.
Alcohol is everywhere, on every televisionshow, every movie, and in every personal
social event that I've attended inthe last, I don't know, lifetime?
(00:39):
We've discussed here several times aboutthe difficulties recovering folks and non
drinkers have finding accepting socialatmospheres that doesn't include alcohol.
Well, our guest today decidedto do something about that.
Kristi Tanner is a recovering singlemother of four, a certified recovery
coach, and the founder and driving forcebehind Sober Social, a non alcoholic
(01:02):
bottle shop in Middleton, Wisconsin.
Throughout her recovery, Kristirecognized the need for inclusive
spaces where individuals could feelempowered to choose sobriety without
feeling excluded from social activities.
Welcome, Kristi.
Kristi (01:16):
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm really honored to be here.
Mike (01:20):
Well, it's, it's fun.
We were talking before we started.
First of all, let me ask you,when I say bottle shop, layman's
terms, a non liquor liquor store?
Kristi (01:32):
Correct.
Absolutely.
Mike (01:33):
Okay.
All right.
Kristi (01:34):
Yep, so people walking by my store, if you weren't looking
at the signage, which obviously itsays Sober Social if you weren't
looking at the signage and you justwalked into my store, it looks like
a really adorable bottle shop, right?
Like a liquor store, itlooks like alcohol, right?
There's bottles of wine, there'sspirit replacements, there's
(01:55):
beer, there's mocktails, there'saccoutrements to make cute things.
And every single thing in there isnon alcoholic and safe for pregnant
people and safe for people on medicineand safe for your kids to have a sip.
It's just a brand new way to elevatewhat you're drinking and feel a
(02:21):
part of whatever you're doing.
Mike (02:24):
Well, and we're both in the fine state of Wisconsin, right?
And did I read this right?
You were the first nonalcoholic bottle shop?
Kristi (02:34):
The first in the state.
The only brick and mortar completelynon alcoholic bottle shop.
Mike (02:41):
I'm laughing because I have to imagine that occasionally you
get the customer wandering in.
Yeah.
All right.
Go ahead.
So how long does it take them beforethey realize that there's no alcohol?
Kristi (02:53):
Not too long because they'll be like, wait, wait, what is it?
Wait, non alcoholic,non alcoholic tequila.
(laugh)
That is right.
What can I tell you about it?
Do you like margaritas?
Cause I have so many.
Mike (03:12):
That's great.
Well, you know, I it always helps tohear your story because you didn't
start this out of the blue, right?
And you readily share your storyon your Instagram, which we'll put
a link to but it's @mocktailmommy.
What got you into recovery Kristi?
Kristi (03:28):
Yeah, I think I probably have always been an alcoholic.
I don't think I ever drank normally.
I didn't drink in high school.
I went to college and I was like, Woohoo!
No parents!
And it was sociallyacceptable to drink a lot.
When I graduated, a lot of my friendsprobably curtailed their drinking, right?
(03:50):
They didn't drink seven nights aweek anymore, because they were
working, and they were having kids,and they were getting married, and
they have more responsibilities.
And instead of that happening for me,I used all those new responsibilities
as justifications for why Ideserved some way to relax at night.
(04:13):
And I think for a while I was sort ofsocially, you know, normal looking.
I would go out, go tohappy hour, whatever.
But what people didn't know isonce I went to happy hour, I would
come home and continue drinking.
Once I started, I reallydidn't ever have an off switch.
And when I stopped working I stoppedworking when I had my second son.
(04:37):
So I had two kids under 18 months old.
Then I had a third son, 17months later, and he was born
with a cleft lip and palate.
And his first year, we had multiplesurgeries, lots of hospital stays.
It was a really, really difficult yearwith three boys under three and a half.
(04:58):
My husband at the time was travelinga lot, and I felt really alone.
I didn't really know whomy support system was.
My friends were still working.
Many of them were not yet momsand I didn't really find a
good outlet or support system.
(05:21):
Then I had one more child and so Ihad four kids under five and a half.
And yes, it was bananas!
No twins.
Like there was just lots of littlehumans with lots of different needs.
And it was so much fun, but Ifelt exhausted all the time.
(05:42):
I felt like I wasn't sureif I was doing it right.
It looked easier for other people.
Why are their kids in matching clothes?
How are they clean?
Do they eat vegetables?
Like, there's so much stuff going on.
And during all of this, my marriage took,you know, we were not in a good place.
(06:04):
He was really focused on business.
I was really focused on home andwe sort of did our own things.
And as I got sort of angrier withmy husband I drank more and more.
So my last pregnancy was the firsttime during pregnancy where I was
like, I, I want to be drinking.
Mike (06:28):
So you would, you had stopped drinking during your
pregnancies previous to that?
Kristi (06:32):
Yes.
Mike (06:32):
And then how soon after you gave birth did you go,
I'm going right back to it?
Kristi (06:37):
In the hospital.
Mike (06:39):
Really?
Kristi (06:41):
I mean, I brought champagne with me, multiple bottles, to the
hospital, because I could not waitto get this baby out, meet her,
hold her, and get back to my wine.
Mike (06:56):
Wow.
Wow.
Kristi (06:58):
I really felt like it's not fair.
I'm being left out.
Nobody's including me.
Everyone's doing happy hour andwine tastings and all this stuff.
It's no fun.
Like if you can't drink,you can't have fun.
That is what I thought.
And I'm like, I'm a fun person.
I want to be having fun too.
(07:18):
But after my daughter was born,I was extremely depressed.
I was diagnosed withpostpartum depression.
We had just moved fromChicago to Wisconsin.
I didn't really know anyone.
And my drinking just skyrocketed.
And I sort of I don't knowwhat happened, but I stopped
(07:42):
caring that people were worried.
I stopped caring that peoplequestioned if I was okay.
And I was like, I don't know, like youcome take care of four kids under five
and a half and tell me how easy it is.
You know, I felt like I had this likeplatform where it was like, I deserve,
(08:04):
I deserve to be blacked out at theend of the day because I'm so tired.
And that's how I knew howto get myself to sleep.
Mike (08:12):
You look fit now and you're slight.
How much were you consuming?
Kristi (08:17):
Oh, oh my gosh.
It's hard to say, you know, Iwasn't always like a daily drinker.
I mean, most nights I washaving wine, but at the end.
The time I would allow myself to startdrinking was earlier and earlier.
And at the end it was like, well, if I'mhaving a bad morning, a mimosa might help.
(08:39):
And so I would start in the morningand sort of drink champagne and
wine all day long, just all day,three bottles, four bottles.
And I weigh 110 pounds at my heaviest,like the amount of alcohol that I was
(09:00):
drinking, I wasn't even aware of it.
Right.
It was like, I had these at that pointwhen I, you know, at the end of my
addiction, I had bottles hidden, right.
I had bottles hidden in my daughter'snursery so that when I was rocking her
to bed, I had something to do that.
I had bottles in the laundry roomso that when I was, you know, I
had bottles hidden behind the TV.
(09:21):
I had them in the basement.
Like, it was just, it was crazy.
And I thought about it all day long andI just kept thinking, when is the alcohol
going to take effect so that I don'tfeel this way, so I don't feel this way.
Mike (09:36):
What finally precipitated you saying enough?
Kristi (09:40):
Yeah, it was bad.
I'm not one of those peoplethat had a high bottom.
I got my first DUI on July 2nd.
And I don't really remember getting it.
I was blacked out.
I had a really tough conversationwith my husband and we agreed
(10:02):
we were going to be separating.
I mean, he had already servedme papers, but that conversation
was like, this is it.
And that's really not what Iwanted because I was terrified.
I couldn't raise these kids by myselfas an addict, and I knew that and so
I got this first DUI, and I came homeand I was like, I'm never drinking
again, it's so embarrassing, the wholeneighborhood knows, this is so awful.
(10:27):
And two days later, I got my second DUI.
Mike (10:31):
Wow.
Kristi (10:34):
And I blew a .24.
Mike (10:38):
Oh my!
Kristi (10:40):
Outside of Gary, Indiana.
I decided I was just going to run away.
It was just, you know, my husband wasmad at me because I was an alcoholic.
And he was like, I don't think we canleave the kids with you right now.
And we're going to go to thelake for the 4th of July.
And I was like, fine.
I'll go find something to do too.
(11:01):
And I was listening to the Bubble Hourpodcast, which was by Jean McFadden.
And it was one of the ones thatI listened to, these stories
of addiction and recovery.
And I had a bottle of winein the back of my car.
I told myself I was just bringing itfor my friend that I was staying with.
I'm just, this is for her.
(11:22):
I don't know what happened.
I don't remember reaching back andgrabbing it, but at some point during
driving, running away from my lifewhere I've now gotten a DUI and my
kids are taken away from me from myhusband, I decided drinking on the
highway was probably the thing to do.
Mike (11:39):
Well, listen to a podcast about recovery.
Kristi (11:42):
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes!
I mean, Mike, that is the craziest thing.
Cause like I wanted sobadly not to be this person.
Mike (11:55):
Yeah, sure.
Kristi (11:55):
I did not want to be making these choices.
I hated that I thought aboutalcohol all day long, but I
didn't know what to do about it.
So I got the second DUI outside of Gary,Indiana, and I got put in jail in a
high security prison on the fifth floor.
And I was there for, Idon't know, 28 hours.
(12:17):
And that changed me.
I saw,
I saw people suffering so much in jail,and all I thought is, oh my god, I'm
(12:37):
never gonna see my kids again, ever.
And that's not what I want.
I love them so much.
All I want to do is beable to be a good mom.
And I didn't know how to stop drinking.
(12:57):
I had tried an IOP program, right?
Like, you go at night three days a weekor four days a week for three hours.
I had tried therapy.
I had tried AA.
I had tried everything.
And when I got out of jail, my parentspicked me up, which was when I was 34.
(13:20):
And my parents are picking me up fromjail in Gary, Indiana, and they had
to drive six hours to come get me.
It was the most mortifyingexperience of my whole life.
I've never seen this look inmy parents eyes like, Oh no,
like, what have you done?
And so I, on that drive home,called rehab and multiple rehabs.
(13:46):
And I had gone to a rehab for 30 days,two years prior, because my husband
thought I had a drinking problem.
And when I went, I waslike, that's so cute.
That's so cute that you thinkI have a drinking problem.
That's fine.
I would love to go to California.
I'll get a tan, like take someclasses, go horseback riding.
(14:07):
Like, I did not take this seriouslyat all the first time I went because
I hadn't had the consequencesthat I personally needed to stop.
They weren't big enough for me.
This, this scared the, thisscared the shit out of me.
I, I was terrified after this experience.
(14:29):
What I had done, you know,how I ended up there.
How did I end up in jail?
Like, how did that happen?
Like, what?
So, I went to rehab.
I found a rehab that couldtake me nine days later.
And one of the problemsthat a lot of people have.
Is rehabs, you can't get inright away, all the time.
(14:53):
There are wait lists for months.
And I didn't have months.
I did not have months.
I was hanging on by a thread.
I was suicidal.
I was depressed.
I, I was not safe.
And I couldn't eat.
I couldn't sleep.
(15:14):
I had night sweats.
I was having post acutewithdrawal symptoms.
It was just, it was really awful.
And so I go to this rehab.
We hired a full time nanny for my fourkids and I went to rehab for two months.
Mike (15:32):
Wow.
Kristi (15:34):
My kids were six, four, two, and seven months old.
And I left them for two months.
And one of the things that Ithink holds a lot of people back
is saying like, Oh my God, I'mnever going to get that time back.
And you won't.
You won't get that time back.
But it has given me a future.
Mike (15:56):
Yup.
Yup.
Kristi (15:58):
I have a beautiful life with them now.
And I had to do the work.
So I go to rehab.
The first month in rehab, Isort of was unwilling to look
(16:18):
at changing my whole life.
I thought perhaps if I fixed my marriage,that would fix my alcohol problem.
And so my first month of rehab, Ithink that was, that was my focus.
And one of my therapists had medo this exercise and he said, I
(16:41):
want you to write a letter to yourdaughter, who's seven months old.
And I want you to write a letterand say, Dear Sloan, this is the
future partner I dream for you.
This is how they treat you.
This is the kind of support they give you.
This is the things you do together.
This is how they make you feel.
(17:02):
And I was like, Oh my gosh.
Okay.
Love it.
I wrote this beautiful letter.
I read it to him and he's like,Kristi, that is, That is so beautiful.
I'm like, I know he's like, perfect.
Now I need you to change the nameand it doesn't say dear, dear Sloan.
It says dear Kristi.
(17:22):
And I need you to read that letter tome and tell me what things that you
dream of for your daughter that youpersonally have in your relationship.
And I didn't have any of them.
And that was a huge, very uncomfortable.
(17:49):
I knew it deep down for probablytwo years that things were not
good between my husband and I,but I didn't want to accept it.
We had four kids, we had this big,beautiful home, like it looks so good
on the Christmas cards, you know?
But he had me do this assignment,and after that assignment,
(18:10):
I just, everything changed.
I got so honest abouthow I felt in my home.
How it felt being a marriedmom but feeling single.
And I realized that I would notbe able to go back to the life
(18:34):
that I had and have it again.
I wouldn't be able to be recovered in theplace I had gotten so incredibly sick.
And when I got out of rehab,two months later, I moved home
and I was there for one week andI moved out into an apartment.
(18:55):
And I said, I can't be here.
Mike (18:57):
How long have you been recovering now?
Kristi (19:00):
Just over five years.
Mike (19:02):
Congratulations.
Kristi (19:04):
Thank you.
Mike (19:04):
You know, there was a time where my mom was recovering and she
would apologize and I'm sure you havethought about that with your kids.
And finally I had totell her, mom, stop it.
I've now known you longer soberthan I ever did while drinking.
And she just looked at me and shewent, I didn't even think about that.
You know, we carry thatfor a while, don't we?
Kristi (19:24):
Absolutely, you know, my oldest was like, six, little over
six, and I was at this private rehab,and it looks like a mansion, and it's
this big house, and so, when peoplewould ask my kids, where's your mom?
They'd be like, oh, she'sliving at the White House.
Mike (19:44):
(laugh)
Kristi (19:48):
People were super confused about what was going on.
(laugh)
Mike (19:53):
Hey, whatever works, right?
Kristi (19:55):
So, you know, and what I told my kids is I didn't say I'm going
to rehab because I'm a bad personor I'm an alcoholic or anything.
I said, I'm going to go and I'mgoing to learn how to be a healthy
mom because that's what you deserve.
Mike (20:08):
You know, you were saying about being honest before and we
were talking before we started this.
You're, you said you were in chaptersix of Celeste Yvonne's book, right?
Which I didn't know prior to this.
But a lot of women, Celeste included,and men have told me that they kept
their sobriety secret for a whilebecause it was embarrassing because
of how prevalent alcohol was.
(20:30):
Was that, did you comeout and say nope, or what?
Kristi (20:35):
I didn't.
I mean, I blew my whole life up.
I live in this fancy neighborhoodwhere the cops don't come here,
people don't go to jail, andthis is not a normal occurrence.
I blew my life up in a really bigpublic way and then disappeared, right?
So it wasn't like I had the optionto be like, Oh, I don't know.
(21:00):
I'm just like making some changes.
That wasn't an option for me.
And the truth about me is Ihave to be honest all the time.
I don't know how totell sort of the truth.
I can't do it anymore becausewhen I did that I was drinking.
Mike (21:18):
Yep.
It's great.
Kristi (21:21):
It's to a fault, right?
There are times when it'slike, oh, perhaps I didn't
need to tell them everything.
The checkout lady at theTarget line like, Guess what?
I'm not buying 12 bottles of wine.
Isn't that great?
I was like, what?
No, I came out and at 89 days sober.
So I had been out ofrehab for 20, 29 days.
(21:42):
I, my best friend in Chicago was gettingmarried and I was in her wedding.
And I went down the night before myhusband, who, we were very estranged,
but he came to this wedding with me,but he couldn't come until the next day.
And I was really nervousabout being at a hotel.
(22:05):
When I walk into the hotel, theygive you two drink tickets because
you're part of the wedding party.
And I was really nervous about howI was going to stay sober since
there were no walls protecting me.
I had my ID on me, and who would know?
(22:28):
And so I started an Instagramaccount called Mocktail Mommy,
and I said, Hello world, my nameis Kristi and I am an alcoholic.
And if you see me drinking,you need to call 9 1 1.
It's not okay.
Like I can't drink alcohol ever again.
(22:51):
And people are like, Huh?
That's not cute.
That's not a highlight reel on Instagram.
There's nothing like cute about that.
No, it wasn't cute.
It was honest.
It was the truth.
But what the truth did is toucha lot of people because a lot of
(23:13):
people can't or won't or don'twant to talk about being sober.
They don't want to talk aboutthe hardest parts of their lives.
They don't want to share the mostshameful parts of themselves.
They feel defined by these thingsthat they've chosen to do or ended up
doing, the situations they were in.
(23:36):
The only way that I personally know how torelease that shame is to share my story.
And what I found is that I am not alone.
Mike (23:47):
No!
Kristi (23:49):
I am not the only young mom who felt like alcohol
was going to be my solution.
In fact, there were hundreds andthousands of women in my exact
same situation, perhaps even inmy neighborhood, going through the
same thing behind closed doors.
(24:11):
And so my Instagram account sort ofstarted growing and I used, you know, I
have, we had a terrible, messy divorce.
It was awful.
It's still awful.
We don't co parent well,you know, some people don't.
Um, And we have a really difficultrelationship and it was messy.
(24:34):
It was, I didn't get agood divorce settlement.
I didn't win any of my court cases,but I told everyone what was going on.
And when I lost, I'mlike, and then I lost.
And then I didn't get this, and I didn'tget that thing, but you know what?
I stayed sober.
(24:55):
I stayed sober.
And, so, I started this Instagram account.
I was going to AA meetings, maybetwice a day, maybe three times a day.
We still had a full time nannywatching my kids, and it was sort of
like, where's my role in the family?
(25:17):
Right, so like you have dad who'slike working all the time, you
had mom who then disappeared for alittle bit to get better, and then
you have a full time nanny who'sactually in charge of the kids.
No one trusted me to be alone withmy children, and I didn't blame them.
I didn't trust myself to be alonewith my children at the beginning.
(25:40):
I was scared.
What if something happens and itmakes me feel like the only way
to get out is to go have a drink?
I was scared.
But I surrounded myselfwith people in recovery.
And anytime I didn't know whatto do with my hands, my feet,
(26:00):
or my head, I found a meeting.
Share or don't share, listen, take a nap.
I don't care what you do in themeeting, but you won't be drinking.
And it's going to give you an hour.
It'll give you one hour to recalibrateyour brain and remember why you're
(26:22):
sober and why it's important.
I didn't want to be sober.
Mike, I thought sobrietywas going to suck.
I thought it would be stupid.
I thought I was going to have no friends.
I thought no one would ever talk to me.
I mean, I was like, I don'thave sober friends, you know,
I don't even know sober people.
Do people not drink?
(26:43):
Is this a thing?
And you know, what happened was I sortof, I lost a lot of friends from my old
life, everything changed and I didn'tlike it, but it needed to happen.
I didn't need to be atbars and happy hours.
(27:05):
I could not be thereat three months sober.
That was not a place for me to go.
I drove a different way home.
I left my ID in my car when Iwould go shopping for groceries
for nine months, because I didn'twant to accidentally buy wine.
It was so automatic in my brain ofjust like, what I get at the store,
(27:30):
that one time I came up to the checkoutline with a bottle of champagne.
And I just like, didn't even, I just,I was six months sober, and I'm like,
putting all my stuff up, and I'm like,
oh my god.
Oh my god!
Oh my god!
I don't even know how that got in my cart.
I don't have my ID.
(27:51):
Can't buy it.
I had so many safeguards for myselfbecause I had to learn to trust
my sober self, which I hadn'tbeen sober in such a long time.
And it was really difficult.
So I got this apartment.
My kids did something callednesting, so they stayed in the home.
(28:14):
And I would come back formy two days with them.
My husband would be somewhere else.
Then when he had his time with the kidsin the home, I would be at my apartment.
So we decided to separate.
And so I said, I, I'llget a different house.
And I closed on my home that Icurrently live in now, on March
(28:35):
16th of 2020, the day before thepandemic, shut the world down.
Mike (28:44):
And now you're inside.
Kristi (28:45):
And now I'm inside.
It was such a wild ride to be, you know,I ended up going to Florida for five
weeks with my children at the beginningof the pandemic where my parents live.
My kids could like be outside and wecould, I had a little bit of support.
I could go to meetings.
(29:06):
They still had meetings downthere because they were outside.
The rest of AA meetings shut down.
Mike (29:15):
Uh huh.
Kristi (29:16):
This had been how I was staying sober.
What was I going to do?
I was really worried.
So I come back and move into this housewith four kids under seven by myself.
And the delivery peoplecan't bring my couch inside.
(29:36):
And none of my friends can comeover because there's a pandemic.
I had this vision of like, if I getdivorced, I'll just like, I thought I'll
either get sober and stay married, orget divorced and drink how I really want.
Never in my wildest dreams.
Did I think I would getdivorced and stay sober?
(29:59):
Ever.
Never.
Mike (30:03):
I'm dying to ask you this question, so let me just get to it.
You at some point then open up thisnon alcoholic bottle shop, but you
just, you've spent, how do you getover the taste and not having a
craving for alcoholic beverages?
Kristi (30:23):
Sure.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, when I first was inrecovery, I wanted to be at the parties.
I didn't want to be left out.
And so I sort of forcedmyself to go, right?
I would force myselfto go to these places.
And I didn't like it becausethen people would be like,
well, why aren't you drinking?
(30:43):
Mike, that's not the conversationthat I want to open with.
That's not my (chuckle) best side.
And so I, I ended up sort ofbecoming a hermit (laugh) and for
probably three years I didn't doany sort of non alcoholic anything.
(31:06):
That would have beenreally triggering for me.
Mike (31:08):
Ya, right.
Kristi (31:09):
There are still people today that are not going to be
interested in something that tasteslike beer if beer was their thing.
There are going to be people whonever want something that tastes
like an old fashioned because thatwill be really triggering for them.
(31:31):
I found at about three years soberthat I was looking for a way to be
a part of with my friends and whenwe get together and they all have
their cute glasses of whatever theyorder and I have a water glass,
I felt othered.
I
(31:51):
didn't like it.
And so it's like, is there somethingI can have that's not lemonade.
Is there a way to have a sophisticated,interesting, cute, pretty drink with
accoutrements and all the things?
That was as important to me, thelook and feel and glass and color
(32:13):
and experience, that was as importantto me as what was in the glass.
I wanted that whole experience.
And so I started looking around for thesenon alcoholic products, and mostly what I
found were things that didn't taste good.
I'm like, of course you wouldn'tdrink non alcoholic wine.
It tastes terrible, you know?
(32:34):
And five years ago, they didn'thave good non alcoholic wine.
But I found over time as thisindustry is changing and the more
we know about alcohol there areso many people getting sober for
so many reasons, so many reasons.
The health reasons, the medicine,you're a athlete, you're a parent.
(32:57):
You don't like being parenting hungover.
It's it's hard and so these productsstarted becoming available, right?
Like these mocktails and these,like, you could have a lavender
margarita without alcohol.
I'm like, wait, I lovelavender margaritas.
That sounds amazing!
Right.
And can I really have that?
(33:17):
Without the alcohol and haveit feel like I'm a part of.
And the truth is three years intosobriety, it did that for me.
It wasn't a trigger.
I was a huge champagne drinker.
I drank champagne all day every day.
The first rehab I went to, theywere like, what are you here for?
(33:38):
And it was like alcohol and itwas like, oh, what's your thing?
And I was like, champagne.
And they were like,
people don't come to rehab for champagne.
And I was like, this girl does.
Mike (33:50):
Mm hmm.
Kristi (33:52):
But I was like, I thought champagne was fun.
It's celebratory.
It's it's got a pop up bottle.
It's so pretty.
I, I want fun.
I want to celebrate.
I like bubbly.
I like happy.
I want to do that, butI can't have alcohol.
So what can I have instead?
(34:13):
And these products startedbecoming available, but the only
place that you could find themwas in a gigantic liquor store.
Mike (34:24):
Yeah, that's true, isn't it?
Kristi (34:28):
All the non alcoholic beverages were first available and
only available at places like TotalWine, a 5,000 square foot liquor store
with free samples of whiskey and wine.
They have a bar in theback and blah, blah, blah.
And I'd be like, Hi, doyou have any non alcoholic?
And they're like, Oh, I don't know.
(34:48):
Let me check the back.
Right.
And it'd be like, four bottlesof, you know, terrible wine that's
clearly been there for like 20 years.
And, you know, I'm like, gosh, thisis not the experience that I want.
I don't like being in this parkinglot because I used to live here.
(35:10):
I don't want people to lookat me and wondering if I'm
drinking because I'm here.
I don't want to have to think aboutsaying no to 99 percent of the store
to find the one thing that I can have.
There has to be a better solution.
And so you could find kindof options online, but then
(35:34):
that was like, okay, great.
You can order a case and hopethat you like it for $300.
But you couldn't order a bottle andyou didn't have anyone helping you and
nobody could tell you what it tastedlike and I was like this, this has got
(35:58):
to be, there's got to be something more.
I knew I wanted to do work in therecovery space and so I became a
certified recovery coach and so muchof that was just intuitive because of
how long and hard and how many programsI tried while getting sober, right?
(36:22):
Like I hit every wrong on the way down.
I've tried every single kindof program that is out there.
The online programs, the inperson programs, the inpatient,
the outpatient, the detoxes.
I've done them all.
I've been in the places.
I've been to jails.
And institutions, and the onlyother place was death, right?
(36:44):
And I knew that there had tobe a way for sober people to
feel good about their sobriety.
Because I did start feeling good.
I started feeling healthy.
I started eating right, drinking water.
(37:07):
I didn't drink water when I was an addict.
I drank champagne.
I drank champagne and coffee.
That was it.
No water.
And I ended up taking a classat the beginning of this year
called Sands Bar Academy.
Chris Marshall was the first guy inall of the United States to open an
(37:27):
all sober bar in 2017 in Austin, Texas.
This is like before sobriety waseven a thing people talked about.
And he has this non alcoholicbar, and so he offered this class.
I saw it on New Year's Eve, and I waslike cool, like, I want to know more
about this, because like, these arethe drinks that I've been looking for,
(37:48):
because I still want to socialize.
I still want to have parties.
I still want to have girls nights.
I still want to do social events.
That are fun and cute and all thethings, cause that's who I am.
And I wanted a way to do that.
So I'm like, I'll just get to know alittle bit about these brands and these
beverages and just learn a little bit.
(38:10):
Three weeks into the class.
I was like, actually, whatI'm going to do is open it.
I'm going to open a bottle shop!
This is a great idea!
There's not one in Wisconsin.
Why?
I'm not the only sober person.
Wisconsin is the number one drinkingstate per capita in the United States.
(38:30):
And anywhere where there is ahuge drinking culture, there's
also a huge recovery population.
Always.
That is always true.
But the problem is, there are so manyprograms where you go anonymously.
How do we connect with people in recovery,if we're not supposed to talk about
(38:54):
where we see them and who they are?
I'm the most non anonymousperson in the world.
I, there's nothing anonymous about me.
My, my license plate says Mocktail Mommy.
If you want to know where I am,you can, you can watch my car.
I don't keep secrets.
(39:15):
I developed this motto probablylike a year into sobriety, and it
is keep no secrets, carry no shame.
And it's, it's kept me sober.
I have it up in a neon sign in mystore, I have it tattooed on my ribcage,
I have it on the front of journals.
(39:36):
It's my, it's my reminder to myself thatwhen we don't keep secrets, we don't
have to carry the shame of our past.
When we share our story, thatstigma of like who you are and
what you did is alleviated a littlebit every time you talk about it.
(39:59):
I could not talk about myDUIs at three months sober.
I was a mess.
I couldn't be as open as I am now,but now I've told my story so many
times and I'm never met with, oh mygod, you're such a terrible person.
(40:21):
That's not what I met with and that'swhat I thought I would be met with.
I thought I would be met with judgment.
I thought I would be met with fear.
I was met with acceptance,understanding, congratulations.
You're working so hard.
Keep going.
(40:42):
I wanted to bring those messages fromthese recovery programs and these AA
and Sober Mom Squad with Celeste Yvonneand The Luckiest Club with Laura McCowan
and all of these recovery programs andgive it a place, a physical place in
(41:04):
the public space that anyone can go to.
And you don't have to identify, you don'thave to say I'm an alcoholic to walk into
my store, you don't have to be anybody.
Everybody's welcome becauseeverything is safe for everyone.
And that feels really, really good.
And I realized that people insobriety are looking for connection.
(41:28):
The opposite of addiction is connection,and I needed to bring that to the public.
I needed to bring this sort of, youcan be proud of yourself, and you can
find people that have done it too,and you can inspire somebody else,
(41:50):
and and you can still be a part of.
And it gets to be really cute, right?
Like my store has hot pink tigerwallpaper and chandeliers and it's
because that's who I am and I want tobe in a beautiful space and I think
sober people deserve a beautiful space.
I do.
Mike (42:09):
That's perfect.
That's just, that's just a stop there.
That's a perfect place to end that.
And, and for those of you who arelistening we, you know, we put the
Kristi's socials as well as thewebsite for Sober Social on the
podcast, and I invite you to go to it.
I was gonna end withthis, but you just did.
It exudes celebration and joy as you do.
(42:33):
And there's events there andall sorts of other stuff.
Kristi, this is, your story is remarkable.
Your energy is incredible.
Thanks for sharing it today.
Kristi (42:43):
Oh my gosh.
I just, you know, I'm so grateful.
I didn't know I would get to do thiskind of work and it's so fulfilling.
Mike (42:56):
Yeah, it is.
Kristi (42:58):
I love it.
So this has been, I appreciate it.
I love what you're doing.
And just thank you so much for having me.
Mike (43:05):
Oh, you're welcome.
For those of you who arelistening, you know how this goes.
There are links to Kristi'sstuff, and we invite you any
time you're able to to listen in.
Until then, please staysafe and celebrate.
Welcome, everybody.
This is Avoiding the AddictionAffliction, brought to you by
Westwords Consulting and the KenoshaCounty Substance Use Coalition.
I'm Mike McGowan.
Alcohol is everywhere, on every televisionshow, every movie, and in every personal
social event that I've attended inthe last, I don't know, lifetime?
(00:39):
We've discussed here several times aboutthe difficulties recovering folks and non
drinkers have finding accepting socialatmospheres that doesn't include alcohol.
Well, our guest today decidedto do something about that.
Kristi Tanner is a recovering singlemother of four, a certified recovery
coach, and the founder and driving forcebehind Sober Social, a non alcoholic
(01:02):
bottle shop in Middleton, Wisconsin.
Throughout her recovery, Kristirecognized the need for inclusive
spaces where individuals could feelempowered to choose sobriety without
feeling excluded from social activities.
Welcome, Kristi.
Kristi (01:16):
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm really honored to be here.
Mike (01:20):
Well, it's, it's fun.
We were talking before we started.
First of all, let me ask you,when I say bottle shop, layman's
terms, a non liquor liquor store?
Kristi (01:32):
Correct.
Absolutely.
Mike (01:33):
Okay.
All right.
Kristi (01:34):
Yep, so people walking by my store, if you weren't looking
at the signage, which obviously itsays Sober Social if you weren't
looking at the signage and you justwalked into my store, it looks like
a really adorable bottle shop, right?
Like a liquor store, itlooks like alcohol, right?
There's bottles of wine, there'sspirit replacements, there's
(01:55):
beer, there's mocktails, there'saccoutrements to make cute things.
And every single thing in there isnon alcoholic and safe for pregnant
people and safe for people on medicineand safe for your kids to have a sip.
It's just a brand new way to elevatewhat you're drinking and feel a
(02:21):
part of whatever you're doing.
Mike (02:24):
Well, and we're both in the fine state of Wisconsin, right?
And did I read this right?
You were the first nonalcoholic bottle shop?
Kristi (02:34):
The first in the state.
The only brick and mortar completelynon alcoholic bottle shop.
Mike (02:41):
I'm laughing because I have to imagine that occasionally you
get the customer wandering in.
Yeah.
All right.
Go ahead.
So how long does it take them beforethey realize that there's no alcohol?
Kristi (02:53):
Not too long because they'll be like, wait, wait, what is it?
Wait, non alcoholic,non alcoholic tequila.
(laugh)
That is right.
What can I tell you about it?
Do you like margaritas?
Cause I have so many.
Mike (03:12):
That's great.
Well, you know, I it always helps tohear your story because you didn't
start this out of the blue, right?
And you readily share your storyon your Instagram, which we'll put
a link to but it's @mocktailmommy.
What got you into recovery Kristi?
Kristi (03:28):
Yeah, I think I probably have always been an alcoholic.
I don't think I ever drank normally.
I didn't drink in high school.
I went to college and I was like, Woohoo!
No parents!
And it was sociallyacceptable to drink a lot.
When I graduated, a lot of my friendsprobably curtailed their drinking, right?
(03:50):
They didn't drink seven nights aweek anymore, because they were
working, and they were having kids,and they were getting married, and
they have more responsibilities.
And instead of that happening for me,I used all those new responsibilities
as justifications for why Ideserved some way to relax at night.
(04:13):
And I think for a while I was sort ofsocially, you know, normal looking.
I would go out, go tohappy hour, whatever.
But what people didn't know isonce I went to happy hour, I would
come home and continue drinking.
Once I started, I reallydidn't ever have an off switch.
And when I stopped working I stoppedworking when I had my second son.
(04:37):
So I had two kids under 18 months old.
Then I had a third son, 17months later, and he was born
with a cleft lip and palate.
And his first year, we had multiplesurgeries, lots of hospital stays.
It was a really, really difficult yearwith three boys under three and a half.
(04:58):
My husband at the time was travelinga lot, and I felt really alone.
I didn't really know whomy support system was.
My friends were still working.
Many of them were not yet momsand I didn't really find a
good outlet or support system.
(05:21):
Then I had one more child and so Ihad four kids under five and a half.
And yes, it was bananas!
No twins.
Like there was just lots of littlehumans with lots of different needs.
And it was so much fun, but Ifelt exhausted all the time.
(05:42):
I felt like I wasn't sureif I was doing it right.
It looked easier for other people.
Why are their kids in matching clothes?
How are they clean?
Do they eat vegetables?
Like, there's so much stuff going on.
And during all of this, my marriage took,you know, we were not in a good place.
(06:04):
He was really focused on business.
I was really focused on home andwe sort of did our own things.
And as I got sort of angrier withmy husband I drank more and more.
So my last pregnancy was the firsttime during pregnancy where I was
like, I, I want to be drinking.
Mike (06:28):
So you would, you had stopped drinking during your
pregnancies previous to that?
Kristi (06:32):
Yes.
Mike (06:32):
And then how soon after you gave birth did you go,
I'm going right back to it?
Kristi (06:37):
In the hospital.
Mike (06:39):
Really?
Kristi (06:41):
I mean, I brought champagne with me, multiple bottles, to the
hospital, because I could not waitto get this baby out, meet her,
hold her, and get back to my wine.
Mike (06:56):
Wow.
Wow.
Kristi (06:58):
I really felt like it's not fair.
I'm being left out.
Nobody's including me.
Everyone's doing happy hour andwine tastings and all this stuff.
It's no fun.
Like if you can't drink,you can't have fun.
That is what I thought.
And I'm like, I'm a fun person.
I want to be having fun too.
(07:18):
But after my daughter was born,I was extremely depressed.
I was diagnosed withpostpartum depression.
We had just moved fromChicago to Wisconsin.
I didn't really know anyone.
And my drinking just skyrocketed.
And I sort of I don't knowwhat happened, but I stopped
(07:42):
caring that people were worried.
I stopped caring that peoplequestioned if I was okay.
And I was like, I don't know, like youcome take care of four kids under five
and a half and tell me how easy it is.
You know, I felt like I had this likeplatform where it was like, I deserve,
(08:04):
I deserve to be blacked out at theend of the day because I'm so tired.
And that's how I knew howto get myself to sleep.
Mike (08:12):
You look fit now and you're slight.
How much were you consuming?
Kristi (08:17):
Oh, oh my gosh.
It's hard to say, you know, Iwasn't always like a daily drinker.
I mean, most nights I washaving wine, but at the end.
The time I would allow myself to startdrinking was earlier and earlier.
And at the end it was like, well, if I'mhaving a bad morning, a mimosa might help.
(08:39):
And so I would start in the morningand sort of drink champagne and
wine all day long, just all day,three bottles, four bottles.
And I weigh 110 pounds at my heaviest,like the amount of alcohol that I was
(09:00):
drinking, I wasn't even aware of it.
Right.
It was like, I had these at that pointwhen I, you know, at the end of my
addiction, I had bottles hidden, right.
I had bottles hidden in my daughter'snursery so that when I was rocking her
to bed, I had something to do that.
I had bottles in the laundry roomso that when I was, you know, I
had bottles hidden behind the TV.
(09:21):
I had them in the basement.
Like, it was just, it was crazy.
And I thought about it all day long andI just kept thinking, when is the alcohol
going to take effect so that I don'tfeel this way, so I don't feel this way.
Mike (09:36):
What finally precipitated you saying enough?
Kristi (09:40):
Yeah, it was bad.
I'm not one of those peoplethat had a high bottom.
I got my first DUI on July 2nd.
And I don't really remember getting it.
I was blacked out.
I had a really tough conversationwith my husband and we agreed
(10:02):
we were going to be separating.
I mean, he had already servedme papers, but that conversation
was like, this is it.
And that's really not what Iwanted because I was terrified.
I couldn't raise these kids by myselfas an addict, and I knew that and so
I got this first DUI, and I came homeand I was like, I'm never drinking
again, it's so embarrassing, the wholeneighborhood knows, this is so awful.
(10:27):
And two days later, I got my second DUI.
Mike (10:31):
Wow.
Kristi (10:34):
And I blew a .24.
Mike (10:38):
Oh my!
Kristi (10:40):
Outside of Gary, Indiana.
I decided I was just going to run away.
It was just, you know, my husband wasmad at me because I was an alcoholic.
And he was like, I don't think we canleave the kids with you right now.
And we're going to go to thelake for the 4th of July.
And I was like, fine.
I'll go find something to do too.
(11:01):
And I was listening to the Bubble Hourpodcast, which was by Jean McFadden.
And it was one of the ones thatI listened to, these stories
of addiction and recovery.
And I had a bottle of winein the back of my car.
I told myself I was just bringing itfor my friend that I was staying with.
I'm just, this is for her.
(11:22):
I don't know what happened.
I don't remember reaching back andgrabbing it, but at some point during
driving, running away from my lifewhere I've now gotten a DUI and my
kids are taken away from me from myhusband, I decided drinking on the
highway was probably the thing to do.
Mike (11:39):
Well, listen to a podcast about recovery.
Kristi (11:42):
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes!
I mean, Mike, that is the craziest thing.
Cause like I wanted sobadly not to be this person.
Mike (11:55):
Yeah, sure.
Kristi (11:55):
I did not want to be making these choices.
I hated that I thought aboutalcohol all day long, but I
didn't know what to do about it.
So I got the second DUI outside of Gary,Indiana, and I got put in jail in a
high security prison on the fifth floor.
And I was there for, Idon't know, 28 hours.
(12:17):
And that changed me.
I saw,
I saw people suffering so much in jail,and all I thought is, oh my god, I'm
(12:37):
never gonna see my kids again, ever.
And that's not what I want.
I love them so much.
All I want to do is beable to be a good mom.
And I didn't know how to stop drinking.
(12:57):
I had tried an IOP program, right?
Like, you go at night three days a weekor four days a week for three hours.
I had tried therapy.
I had tried AA.
I had tried everything.
And when I got out of jail, my parentspicked me up, which was when I was 34.
(13:20):
And my parents are picking me up fromjail in Gary, Indiana, and they had
to drive six hours to come get me.
It was the most mortifyingexperience of my whole life.
I've never seen this look inmy parents eyes like, Oh no,
like, what have you done?
And so I, on that drive home,called rehab and multiple rehabs.
(13:46):
And I had gone to a rehab for 30 days,two years prior, because my husband
thought I had a drinking problem.
And when I went, I waslike, that's so cute.
That's so cute that you thinkI have a drinking problem.
That's fine.
I would love to go to California.
I'll get a tan, like take someclasses, go horseback riding.
(14:07):
Like, I did not take this seriouslyat all the first time I went because
I hadn't had the consequencesthat I personally needed to stop.
They weren't big enough for me.
This, this scared the, thisscared the shit out of me.
I, I was terrified after this experience.
(14:29):
What I had done, you know,how I ended up there.
How did I end up in jail?
Like, how did that happen?
Like, what?
So, I went to rehab.
I found a rehab that couldtake me nine days later.
And one of the problemsthat a lot of people have.
Is rehabs, you can't get inright away, all the time.
(14:53):
There are wait lists for months.
And I didn't have months.
I did not have months.
I was hanging on by a thread.
I was suicidal.
I was depressed.
I, I was not safe.
And I couldn't eat.
I couldn't sleep.
(15:14):
I had night sweats.
I was having post acutewithdrawal symptoms.
It was just, it was really awful.
And so I go to this rehab.
We hired a full time nanny for my fourkids and I went to rehab for two months.
Mike (15:32):
Wow.
Kristi (15:34):
My kids were six, four, two, and seven months old.
And I left them for two months.
And one of the things that Ithink holds a lot of people back
is saying like, Oh my God, I'mnever going to get that time back.
And you won't.
You won't get that time back.
But it has given me a future.
Mike (15:56):
Yup.
Yup.
Kristi (15:58):
I have a beautiful life with them now.
And I had to do the work.
So I go to rehab.
The first month in rehab, Isort of was unwilling to look
(16:18):
at changing my whole life.
I thought perhaps if I fixed my marriage,that would fix my alcohol problem.
And so my first month of rehab, Ithink that was, that was my focus.
And one of my therapists had medo this exercise and he said, I
(16:41):
want you to write a letter to yourdaughter, who's seven months old.
And I want you to write a letterand say, Dear Sloan, this is the
future partner I dream for you.
This is how they treat you.
This is the kind of support they give you.
This is the things you do together.
This is how they make you feel.
(17:02):
And I was like, Oh my gosh.
Okay.
Love it.
I wrote this beautiful letter.
I read it to him and he's like,Kristi, that is, That is so beautiful.
I'm like, I know he's like, perfect.
Now I need you to change the nameand it doesn't say dear, dear Sloan.
It says dear Kristi.
(17:22):
And I need you to read that letter tome and tell me what things that you
dream of for your daughter that youpersonally have in your relationship.
And I didn't have any of them.
And that was a huge, very uncomfortable.
(17:49):
I knew it deep down for probablytwo years that things were not
good between my husband and I,but I didn't want to accept it.
We had four kids, we had this big,beautiful home, like it looks so good
on the Christmas cards, you know?
But he had me do this assignment,and after that assignment,
(18:10):
I just, everything changed.
I got so honest abouthow I felt in my home.
How it felt being a marriedmom but feeling single.
And I realized that I would notbe able to go back to the life
(18:34):
that I had and have it again.
I wouldn't be able to be recovered in theplace I had gotten so incredibly sick.
And when I got out of rehab,two months later, I moved home
and I was there for one week andI moved out into an apartment.
(18:55):
And I said, I can't be here.
Mike (18:57):
How long have you been recovering now?
Kristi (19:00):
Just over five years.
Mike (19:02):
Congratulations.
Kristi (19:04):
Thank you.
Mike (19:04):
You know, there was a time where my mom was recovering and she
would apologize and I'm sure you havethought about that with your kids.
And finally I had totell her, mom, stop it.
I've now known you longer soberthan I ever did while drinking.
And she just looked at me and shewent, I didn't even think about that.
You know, we carry thatfor a while, don't we?
Kristi (19:24):
Absolutely, you know, my oldest was like, six, little over
six, and I was at this private rehab,and it looks like a mansion, and it's
this big house, and so, when peoplewould ask my kids, where's your mom?
They'd be like, oh, she'sliving at the White House.
Mike (19:44):
(laugh)
Kristi (19:48):
People were super confused about what was going on.
(laugh)
Mike (19:53):
Hey, whatever works, right?
Kristi (19:55):
So, you know, and what I told my kids is I didn't say I'm going
to rehab because I'm a bad personor I'm an alcoholic or anything.
I said, I'm going to go and I'mgoing to learn how to be a healthy
mom because that's what you deserve.
Mike (20:08):
You know, you were saying about being honest before and we
were talking before we started this.
You're, you said you were in chaptersix of Celeste Yvonne's book, right?
Which I didn't know prior to this.
But a lot of women, Celeste included,and men have told me that they kept
their sobriety secret for a whilebecause it was embarrassing because
of how prevalent alcohol was.
(20:30):
Was that, did you comeout and say nope, or what?
Kristi (20:35):
I didn't.
I mean, I blew my whole life up.
I live in this fancy neighborhoodwhere the cops don't come here,
people don't go to jail, andthis is not a normal occurrence.
I blew my life up in a really bigpublic way and then disappeared, right?
So it wasn't like I had the optionto be like, Oh, I don't know.
(21:00):
I'm just like making some changes.
That wasn't an option for me.
And the truth about me is Ihave to be honest all the time.
I don't know how totell sort of the truth.
I can't do it anymore becausewhen I did that I was drinking.
Mike (21:18):
Yep.
It's great.
Kristi (21:21):
It's to a fault, right?
There are times when it'slike, oh, perhaps I didn't
need to tell them everything.
The checkout lady at theTarget line like, Guess what?
I'm not buying 12 bottles of wine.
Isn't that great?
I was like, what?
No, I came out and at 89 days sober.
So I had been out ofrehab for 20, 29 days.
(21:42):
I, my best friend in Chicago was gettingmarried and I was in her wedding.
And I went down the night before myhusband, who, we were very estranged,
but he came to this wedding with me,but he couldn't come until the next day.
And I was really nervousabout being at a hotel.
(22:05):
When I walk into the hotel, theygive you two drink tickets because
you're part of the wedding party.
And I was really nervous about howI was going to stay sober since
there were no walls protecting me.
I had my ID on me, and who would know?
(22:28):
And so I started an Instagramaccount called Mocktail Mommy,
and I said, Hello world, my nameis Kristi and I am an alcoholic.
And if you see me drinking,you need to call 9 1 1.
It's not okay.
Like I can't drink alcohol ever again.
(22:51):
And people are like, Huh?
That's not cute.
That's not a highlight reel on Instagram.
There's nothing like cute about that.
No, it wasn't cute.
It was honest.
It was the truth.
But what the truth did is toucha lot of people because a lot of
(23:13):
people can't or won't or don'twant to talk about being sober.
They don't want to talk aboutthe hardest parts of their lives.
They don't want to share the mostshameful parts of themselves.
They feel defined by these thingsthat they've chosen to do or ended up
doing, the situations they were in.
(23:36):
The only way that I personally know how torelease that shame is to share my story.
And what I found is that I am not alone.
Mike (23:47):
No!
Kristi (23:49):
I am not the only young mom who felt like alcohol
was going to be my solution.
In fact, there were hundreds andthousands of women in my exact
same situation, perhaps even inmy neighborhood, going through the
same thing behind closed doors.
(24:11):
And so my Instagram account sort ofstarted growing and I used, you know, I
have, we had a terrible, messy divorce.
It was awful.
It's still awful.
We don't co parent well,you know, some people don't.
Um, And we have a really difficultrelationship and it was messy.
(24:34):
It was, I didn't get agood divorce settlement.
I didn't win any of my court cases,but I told everyone what was going on.
And when I lost, I'mlike, and then I lost.
And then I didn't get this, and I didn'tget that thing, but you know what?
I stayed sober.
(24:55):
I stayed sober.
And, so, I started this Instagram account.
I was going to AA meetings, maybetwice a day, maybe three times a day.
We still had a full time nannywatching my kids, and it was sort of
like, where's my role in the family?
(25:17):
Right, so like you have dad who'slike working all the time, you
had mom who then disappeared for alittle bit to get better, and then
you have a full time nanny who'sactually in charge of the kids.
No one trusted me to be alone withmy children, and I didn't blame them.
I didn't trust myself to be alonewith my children at the beginning.
(25:40):
I was scared.
What if something happens and itmakes me feel like the only way
to get out is to go have a drink?
I was scared.
But I surrounded myselfwith people in recovery.
And anytime I didn't know whatto do with my hands, my feet,
(26:00):
or my head, I found a meeting.
Share or don't share, listen, take a nap.
I don't care what you do in themeeting, but you won't be drinking.
And it's going to give you an hour.
It'll give you one hour to recalibrateyour brain and remember why you're
(26:22):
sober and why it's important.
I didn't want to be sober.
Mike, I thought sobrietywas going to suck.
I thought it would be stupid.
I thought I was going to have no friends.
I thought no one would ever talk to me.
I mean, I was like, I don'thave sober friends, you know,
I don't even know sober people.
Do people not drink?
(26:43):
Is this a thing?
And you know, what happened was I sortof, I lost a lot of friends from my old
life, everything changed and I didn'tlike it, but it needed to happen.
I didn't need to be atbars and happy hours.
(27:05):
I could not be thereat three months sober.
That was not a place for me to go.
I drove a different way home.
I left my ID in my car when Iwould go shopping for groceries
for nine months, because I didn'twant to accidentally buy wine.
It was so automatic in my brain ofjust like, what I get at the store,
(27:30):
that one time I came up to the checkoutline with a bottle of champagne.
And I just like, didn't even, I just,I was six months sober, and I'm like,
putting all my stuff up, and I'm like,
oh my god.
Oh my god!
Oh my god!
I don't even know how that got in my cart.
I don't have my ID.
(27:51):
Can't buy it.
I had so many safeguards for myselfbecause I had to learn to trust
my sober self, which I hadn'tbeen sober in such a long time.
And it was really difficult.
So I got this apartment.
My kids did something callednesting, so they stayed in the home.
(28:14):
And I would come back formy two days with them.
My husband would be somewhere else.
Then when he had his time with the kidsin the home, I would be at my apartment.
So we decided to separate.
And so I said, I, I'llget a different house.
And I closed on my home that Icurrently live in now, on March
(28:35):
16th of 2020, the day before thepandemic, shut the world down.
Mike (28:44):
And now you're inside.
Kristi (28:45):
And now I'm inside.
It was such a wild ride to be, you know,I ended up going to Florida for five
weeks with my children at the beginningof the pandemic where my parents live.
My kids could like be outside and wecould, I had a little bit of support.
I could go to meetings.
(29:06):
They still had meetings downthere because they were outside.
The rest of AA meetings shut down.
Mike (29:15):
Uh huh.
Kristi (29:16):
This had been how I was staying sober.
What was I going to do?
I was really worried.
So I come back and move into this housewith four kids under seven by myself.
And the delivery peoplecan't bring my couch inside.
(29:36):
And none of my friends can comeover because there's a pandemic.
I had this vision of like, if I getdivorced, I'll just like, I thought I'll
either get sober and stay married, orget divorced and drink how I really want.
Never in my wildest dreams.
Did I think I would getdivorced and stay sober?
(29:59):
Ever.
Never.
Mike (30:03):
I'm dying to ask you this question, so let me just get to it.
You at some point then open up thisnon alcoholic bottle shop, but you
just, you've spent, how do you getover the taste and not having a
craving for alcoholic beverages?
Kristi (30:23):
Sure.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, when I first was inrecovery, I wanted to be at the parties.
I didn't want to be left out.
And so I sort of forcedmyself to go, right?
I would force myselfto go to these places.
And I didn't like it becausethen people would be like,
well, why aren't you drinking?
(30:43):
Mike, that's not the conversationthat I want to open with.
That's not my (chuckle) best side.
And so I, I ended up sort ofbecoming a hermit (laugh) and for
probably three years I didn't doany sort of non alcoholic anything.
(31:06):
That would have beenreally triggering for me.
Mike (31:08):
Ya, right.
Kristi (31:09):
There are still people today that are not going to be
interested in something that tasteslike beer if beer was their thing.
There are going to be people whonever want something that tastes
like an old fashioned because thatwill be really triggering for them.
(31:31):
I found at about three years soberthat I was looking for a way to be
a part of with my friends and whenwe get together and they all have
their cute glasses of whatever theyorder and I have a water glass,
I felt othered.
I
(31:51):
didn't like it.
And so it's like, is there somethingI can have that's not lemonade.
Is there a way to have a sophisticated,interesting, cute, pretty drink with
accoutrements and all the things?
That was as important to me, thelook and feel and glass and color
(32:13):
and experience, that was as importantto me as what was in the glass.
I wanted that whole experience.
And so I started looking around for thesenon alcoholic products, and mostly what I
found were things that didn't taste good.
I'm like, of course you wouldn'tdrink non alcoholic wine.
It tastes terrible, you know?
(32:34):
And five years ago, they didn'thave good non alcoholic wine.
But I found over time as thisindustry is changing and the more
we know about alcohol there areso many people getting sober for
so many reasons, so many reasons.
The health reasons, the medicine,you're a athlete, you're a parent.
(32:57):
You don't like being parenting hungover.
It's it's hard and so these productsstarted becoming available, right?
Like these mocktails and these,like, you could have a lavender
margarita without alcohol.
I'm like, wait, I lovelavender margaritas.
That sounds amazing!
Right.
And can I really have that?
(33:17):
Without the alcohol and haveit feel like I'm a part of.
And the truth is three years intosobriety, it did that for me.
It wasn't a trigger.
I was a huge champagne drinker.
I drank champagne all day every day.
The first rehab I went to, theywere like, what are you here for?
(33:38):
And it was like alcohol and itwas like, oh, what's your thing?
And I was like, champagne.
And they were like,
people don't come to rehab for champagne.
And I was like, this girl does.
Mike (33:50):
Mm hmm.
Kristi (33:52):
But I was like, I thought champagne was fun.
It's celebratory.
It's it's got a pop up bottle.
It's so pretty.
I, I want fun.
I want to celebrate.
I like bubbly.
I like happy.
I want to do that, butI can't have alcohol.
So what can I have instead?
(34:13):
And these products startedbecoming available, but the only
place that you could find themwas in a gigantic liquor store.
Mike (34:24):
Yeah, that's true, isn't it?
Kristi (34:28):
All the non alcoholic beverages were first available and
only available at places like TotalWine, a 5,000 square foot liquor store
with free samples of whiskey and wine.
They have a bar in theback and blah, blah, blah.
And I'd be like, Hi, doyou have any non alcoholic?
And they're like, Oh, I don't know.
(34:48):
Let me check the back.
Right.
And it'd be like, four bottlesof, you know, terrible wine that's
clearly been there for like 20 years.
And, you know, I'm like, gosh, thisis not the experience that I want.
I don't like being in this parkinglot because I used to live here.
(35:10):
I don't want people to lookat me and wondering if I'm
drinking because I'm here.
I don't want to have to think aboutsaying no to 99 percent of the store
to find the one thing that I can have.
There has to be a better solution.
And so you could find kindof options online, but then
(35:34):
that was like, okay, great.
You can order a case and hopethat you like it for $300.
But you couldn't order a bottle andyou didn't have anyone helping you and
nobody could tell you what it tastedlike and I was like this, this has got
(35:58):
to be, there's got to be something more.
I knew I wanted to do work in therecovery space and so I became a
certified recovery coach and so muchof that was just intuitive because of
how long and hard and how many programsI tried while getting sober, right?
(36:22):
Like I hit every wrong on the way down.
I've tried every single kindof program that is out there.
The online programs, the inperson programs, the inpatient,
the outpatient, the detoxes.
I've done them all.
I've been in the places.
I've been to jails.
And institutions, and the onlyother place was death, right?
(36:44):
And I knew that there had tobe a way for sober people to
feel good about their sobriety.
Because I did start feeling good.
I started feeling healthy.
I started eating right, drinking water.
(37:07):
I didn't drink water when I was an addict.
I drank champagne.
I drank champagne and coffee.
That was it.
No water.
And I ended up taking a classat the beginning of this year
called Sands Bar Academy.
Chris Marshall was the first guy inall of the United States to open an
(37:27):
all sober bar in 2017 in Austin, Texas.
This is like before sobriety waseven a thing people talked about.
And he has this non alcoholicbar, and so he offered this class.
I saw it on New Year's Eve, and I waslike cool, like, I want to know more
about this, because like, these arethe drinks that I've been looking for,
(37:48):
because I still want to socialize.
I still want to have parties.
I still want to have girls nights.
I still want to do social events.
That are fun and cute and all thethings, cause that's who I am.
And I wanted a way to do that.
So I'm like, I'll just get to know alittle bit about these brands and these
beverages and just learn a little bit.
(38:10):
Three weeks into the class.
I was like, actually, whatI'm going to do is open it.
I'm going to open a bottle shop!
This is a great idea!
There's not one in Wisconsin.
Why?
I'm not the only sober person.
Wisconsin is the number one drinkingstate per capita in the United States.
(38:30):
And anywhere where there is ahuge drinking culture, there's
also a huge recovery population.
Always.
That is always true.
But the problem is, there are so manyprograms where you go anonymously.
How do we connect with people in recovery,if we're not supposed to talk about
(38:54):
where we see them and who they are?
I'm the most non anonymousperson in the world.
I, there's nothing anonymous about me.
My, my license plate says Mocktail Mommy.
If you want to know where I am,you can, you can watch my car.
I don't keep secrets.
(39:15):
I developed this motto probablylike a year into sobriety, and it
is keep no secrets, carry no shame.
And it's, it's kept me sober.
I have it up in a neon sign in mystore, I have it tattooed on my ribcage,
I have it on the front of journals.
(39:36):
It's my, it's my reminder to myself thatwhen we don't keep secrets, we don't
have to carry the shame of our past.
When we share our story, thatstigma of like who you are and
what you did is alleviated a littlebit every time you talk about it.
(39:59):
I could not talk about myDUIs at three months sober.
I was a mess.
I couldn't be as open as I am now,but now I've told my story so many
times and I'm never met with, oh mygod, you're such a terrible person.
(40:21):
That's not what I met with and that'swhat I thought I would be met with.
I thought I would be met with judgment.
I thought I would be met with fear.
I was met with acceptance,understanding, congratulations.
You're working so hard.
Keep going.
(40:42):
I wanted to bring those messages fromthese recovery programs and these AA
and Sober Mom Squad with Celeste Yvonneand The Luckiest Club with Laura McCowan
and all of these recovery programs andgive it a place, a physical place in
(41:04):
the public space that anyone can go to.
And you don't have to identify, you don'thave to say I'm an alcoholic to walk into
my store, you don't have to be anybody.
Everybody's welcome becauseeverything is safe for everyone.
And that feels really, really good.
And I realized that people insobriety are looking for connection.
(41:28):
The opposite of addiction is connection,and I needed to bring that to the public.
I needed to bring this sort of, youcan be proud of yourself, and you can
find people that have done it too,and you can inspire somebody else,
(41:50):
and and you can still be a part of.
And it gets to be really cute, right?
Like my store has hot pink tigerwallpaper and chandeliers and it's
because that's who I am and I want tobe in a beautiful space and I think
sober people deserve a beautiful space.
I do.
Mike (42:09):
That's perfect.
That's just, that's just a stop there.
That's a perfect place to end that.
And, and for those of you who arelistening we, you know, we put the
Kristi's socials as well as thewebsite for Sober Social on the
podcast, and I invite you to go to it.
I was gonna end withthis, but you just did.
It exudes celebration and joy as you do.
(42:33):
And there's events there andall sorts of other stuff.
Kristi, this is, your story is remarkable.
Your energy is incredible.
Thanks for sharing it today.
Kristi (42:43):
Oh my gosh.
I just, you know, I'm so grateful.
I didn't know I would get to do thiskind of work and it's so fulfilling.
Mike (42:56):
Yeah, it is.
Kristi (42:58):
I love it.
So this has been, I appreciate it.
I love what you're doing.
And just thank you so much for having me.
Mike (43:05):
Oh, you're welcome.
For those of you who arelistening, you know how this goes.
There are links to Kristi'sstuff, and we invite you any
time you're able to to listen in.
Until then, please staysafe and celebrate.
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