Mums Eat First: Prioritize Yourself and Create the Change You Crave

Hey there, single mums! 🌟 Welcome back to the Beanstalk Mums podcast! In this episode, we chat with the incredible Kathy Sullivan, author of "Moms Eat First: Five Principles to Prioritize Yourself and Create the Change You Crave". Kathy shares her personal journey as a single mum and offers us some golden nuggets from her book tailored just for you.

Ready to dive into the five principles that will help you put yourself first, tackle mum guilt, and balance career, family, and self-care? Kathy's got you covered! Plus, we explore how to navigate life's ups and downs while reclaiming your power and embracing peace.

So grab a cuppa, get comfy, and join us for a heartwarming and empowering 20 minutes. You deserve this time for yourself. 💖

And hey, don't forget to check out the Single Mums' Vine on social media – it's the best place to connect with other fabulous single mums like you! ✨ Join the Single Mum Vine here.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts and suggestions for future episodes. See you soon! 👋

 

Grab your copy of "Moms Eat First: 5 PRINCIPLES TO PRIORITIZE YOURSELF AND CREATE THE CHANGE YOU CRAVE" here.

OR

Here :)

 

 

Episode Transcript

(00:01):
Welcome to Beanstalk Mums podcast. Here at Beanstalk Mums, we believe that every
mum is a powerhouse of potential and strength.
Our mission is to uplift, empower and support single mums on their incredible journey.
Each episode is packed with inspiring stories, practical advice and expert insights

(00:21):
tailored to help you tackle the unique challenges and triumphs of single motherhood.
Join a vibrant community as we delve into topics that matter to you most.
From financial independence and career growth to self-care and parenting tips.
At Beanstalk Mums, we understand that your journey is as unique as you are.
And we are here to provide a warm, welcoming

(00:44):
space where you can find the encouragement and resources you need.
So tune in regularly and become a part of a network that celebrates your resilience,
wisdom and unwavering dedication. occasion.
Together we can turn every challenge into an opportunity and every moment into
a stepping stone towards a brighter future.
Welcome to Beanstalk Mums, where your story is our inspiration.

(01:07):
Today on Beanstalk Mums podcast we are talking to Cathy Sullivan.
She took the tips she'd learned as an organizational development consultant
and an executive coach to write the new book Mums Eat First,
Five Principles to Prioritize Yourself and Create the Change You Crave.
Cathy has been a single mum since her son was a toddler and her book includes

(01:31):
tips specific to us single mums.
So today we'll look at the five principles that mums can use as a framework
to prioritise themselves and create the change they want,
what contributes to mums feeling mum great and how to address it,
as well as how mums can navigate decisions related to integrating career, family and self-care.

(01:54):
And at this being our first episode in a very, very long time, I am extra excited.
So grab a cuppa and join us over the the next 20 minutes to learn how you can
prioritise self-care and put yourself first in this busy, crazy single mum life.

(02:15):
So Kathy, it is a pleasure to have you here with the Beanstalk Single Mums community.
Can you start by telling us a bit about yourself and what inspired you to write Mum Eat First?
Absolutely. I first want to
thank you, Elle, for having me. I'm looking forward to our conversation.
I would say it was a few things. One, certainly my own lived experience as a

(02:37):
single parent and just dealing with the challenges that I'm sure many single
moms out there have had to manage on their own.
For me specifically, at the time, the story that I share in the book was when
I was living in Southern California, I was divorced.
My daughter My daughter was, I think, in about third grade. I became pregnant again.

(03:00):
My mom was dealing with cancer back on the East Coast.
And I made the decision to kind of quit my job, sell my house.
The pandemic, I would say, also shifted everything into overdrive for me with
that experience and trying to homeschool two children.
And that was really when I learned a lot about my son's ADHD.

(03:24):
You know, he's neurodivergent. So that added some complexities to my experience. So that's one.
The second piece I would say is, you know, as a consultant and a coach,
I work a lot with organizations. organizations, much of the work that I do is
helping organizations to develop their employees and help them retain them.
And I do a lot of work in helping women advance in the workplace.

(03:47):
And naturally, through a lot of the conversations I've had through discovery
work, but also coaching women who are primary caregivers,
I was inspired by a lot of their stories and, you know, certainly have worked
with them to kind of navigate some of their own challenges and being a primary caregiver.
But third, I would add, there's a lot of research out there that supports the

(04:10):
fact that moms are often the ones carrying a lot of the workload at home.
And for working moms, it's hard to integrate both work and life, if you will.
So I really wanted to help women to prioritize themselves given just all of those experiences.
Absolutely. And it does sound like I think it certainly did have a lot on your

(04:33):
plate and we do tend to always put everybody else first.
So it's definitely a topic that needed to be addressed.
Now, your book outlines five principles that mums can use as a framework to
prioritize themselves.
Could you briefly walk us through these principles? As you know,

(04:54):
right, change isn't necessarily linear. year.
It's, I think, a very iterative experience we go through in life.
So the first principle is reflection is key to self-preservation.
And this principle is really about understanding who you are,
understanding what's important to you and what you value in life,

(05:16):
establishing the vision you have for yourself and really defining the change that you want.
And what you're aiming for. The fourth principle is amid adversity,
you can reclaim power through choice.
And as you probably know, when we try to implement change in our lives,

(05:36):
or even at work, we inevitably come across adversity, right?
We experience challenges and obstacles.
And what's really important is that we identify those moments where we're uncomfortable,
where we might actually give up on ourselves or on our goals and really lean
into that discomfort because those are often our biggest opportunities for growth.

(06:01):
And then the last principle is peace prevails when you release what you can't control.
So, you know, this is really, I would say a couple of things.
One is what are the things that you're maybe holding on to that's not serving you well?
And certainly it has to do with the tangible
things that maybe we are trying to control that aren't

(06:24):
ours to control or maybe outside
of our stand of control yes so those are the five principles i love them i love
the fact that you start with self-awareness because how can we move forward
if we don't truly understand who we are and many mums going through the single
beginning beginning of the single motherhood journey through the divorce, separation,

(06:46):
et cetera, they suddenly find themselves unknown to themselves.
You know, they're suddenly no longer
that wife, no longer in that nuclear relationship, and they struggle.
So going back to the roots of finding out who you are is absolutely brilliant.
And then, you know, being able to release and move on, that's great.

(07:06):
These principles, how would you say they create the change that the mums crave in their lives?
Well, I would say for everyone, it's going to be different as far as how they apply it.
So the story that I share in the book is it was a huge transformation,
I would say, on many levels.
While I had been divorced for a while, you know, dealing with a new pregnancy,

(07:31):
being on my own, dealing with my mom's health issues, selling my house,
moving across the country, kind of coordinating all of that.
There were so many changes kind of hitting me at once. so I talk about.
A process meant I was going to disappoint a lot of people, my ex-husband,

(07:51):
some of my family members, my boss, because I was quitting my job.
And I feel like those are the things that maybe prevent us from leaning into
what we want and actually need for ourselves.
So the purpose of creating the principles is really to create a framework that
moms can apply regarding whatever change they want for themselves.

(08:15):
So for me, it was a larger scale change, actually multiple changes I was dealing
with, but I would say they can apply really on smaller scale changes as well.
The last thing that I'll add Elle, is the way that the book is structured,
There are questions in the book that support them on their journey. Great.
But the challenge is the work, right?

(08:37):
So the framework is there for you, but you got to do the work,
right? to create the change.
Absolutely. And I think, you know, that's, I'm glad that one other principle
actually addresses that because we do,
we get to that point where we encounter a challenge or an obstacle and it's
just easier to take that path of least resistance and potentially not reach

(09:00):
the goal we want, but at least stay comfortable.
So I'm glad that throughout the book, one of the principles addresses that.
So yes, at the end of the day, we do have to get a little bit uncomfortable and do that work.
You suggest that mothers think of themselves as chief life organizers.
Can you elaborate on this concept and how can it empower mothers in their daily lives?

(09:26):
Yeah, so chief life officer is what I refer to.
There's an illustration that I have in the book, and the illustration is actually
something that I used when I did a keynote presentation a couple of years ago.
And so maybe to give some context, in the work that I do sometimes in working
with organizations and trying to advance leaders, we're looking at organizational

(09:48):
structure to kind of define roles and responsibilities,
and that is to, in part, drive accountability.
And and i can't help but apply that same concept now the other piece of this
is that the illustration points out kind of the varying responsibilities that
occur in the home and one of them you may have referred you may have heard right

(10:11):
is the mental load kind of the,
third shift if you will which is kind of the mindset and all of the worrying
that a lot of of moms do and have on their minds.
So the idea is if you apply that at home and you were to map out all of the
responsibilities that you have at home, one, I would say it's a tool to kind

(10:32):
of look at, you know, where are you spending your time?
So if you have a partner or children, as an example, that are old enough to
maybe contribute to helping you, that's one way of maybe using it. But.
The context is important here as to kind of why I
put it in the book and it is just a supporting I guess

(10:53):
illustration of the workload that ends up falling on moms and that's very true
and really with the single moms the buck kind of stops on them there is not
no partner that picks up that slack and often the children are not at an age
where they can and when we if they are a little little bit older,
we often find that, you know, mum guilt creeping in because we try to make that

(11:17):
time for ourselves and even, you know, standing up for,
you know, to the boss and changing jobs or, you know, there's a lot of guilt
associated that we're not measuring up, you know, we've got all this work and
it's overwhelming and we're not measuring up.
So the guilt kind of really eats at us.

(11:38):
So knowing that we don't have to do it all, it doesn't have to be perfect.
That's, you know, something that really needs to be drummed home.
Yes, absolutely. I mean, for single moms, certainly I experienced in the past and still do.
But what I've had to do is really learn to prioritize what's important and to

(11:59):
kind of let go of the things that,
you know, maybe in the past I've wanted to spend time on and learn to just let
go of those things, but also reframing, you know, is kind of what I heard you saying a little bit.
And the guilt is definitely something that's there, but I think the reframing
can help with that in the sense of we have to take care of ourselves in order

(12:21):
to give the best to others.
And perhaps embracing imperfection as well there a little bit too,
to just realize that things don't have to be 100% every single time.
We have this perception that there is perfection out there. So to me,
it's, I think, you know, in part about our perceptions and what we believe.

(12:41):
And that's one of the questions in the book is, you know, what is...
What is your belief system and what do you believe about yourself?
And sometimes those beliefs are false beliefs based on narratives that we've
developed from what other people have said about us potentially or about moms in general.
Absolutely. And then, of course, you look at the social media and the Instagram

(13:02):
fashionistas or influencer channels,
and it's just a little bit hard to keep
up with that absolutely so another
thing that you mentioned in the in the book
is a term which i really like is mum gray
what contributes to this feeling and how can
mums effectively address it so actually

(13:26):
the term i use in the book the way i describe it
is feeling angry grief for all of the abilities
that fall on women right so you
know it's this it's this sentence and
i think it's a combination of things so one it's maybe our
perception right of what our role is and the fact that a good mom serves everyone

(13:48):
does things make sacrifices right it's this belief that we have but i also think
it's somewhat facilitated by societal expectation certainly Certainly what you see on social media.
But the other piece of this, I think, too, is like how we were raised.
It's the influences that we had over our childhood, potentially.

(14:09):
And that might include religious beliefs, right, and cultural beliefs.
So I think it's a very complex thing.
But the idea behind it is the resentment that I think some women feel.
I know I certainly have and still do to some extent.
So the idea is really just making sure that you're tapping into your feelings

(14:30):
and processing your feelings and thinking through what that story is in your
mind, even because it may not be accurate or true.
Absolutely. And again, that's tackling those values that you mentioned before
and those beliefs that we are introduced to by society and religion, etc.

(14:53):
Navigating decisions related to career, family and self-care can be challenging.
What advice would you give to mums trying to integrate both of these aspects
in their lives harmoniously?
I would say it first kind of starts with understanding, again,
what you value, what you believe and what you want for yourself.

(15:16):
And also recognizing what season of life you are in. While it's going to vary
for everyone, for me, I was fortunate at the time I was married,
my ex and I divorced or separated.
I think my daughter was around two, two and a half or so.
I was fortunate to be able to stay home for some time after having her.

(15:37):
But I'm also a very career-oriented person. So while I appreciated having that
time, I wanted to get back to work.
I think we have to take inventory of what's important,
what we want for ourselves, and make sure that if you look at kind of all of
the things that are important in your life from a career, from a family time, hobbies perspective,

(16:02):
like if you were to put all those things out on a map that you are devoting some time to yourself.
Self and recognizing that you can always hit the reset button based on where
you are and what season of life you're in.
So when you say they're pressing the reset button, what are some practical sort

(16:22):
of solutions that you recommend for managing and preventing sort of that burnout
when you do, you know, juggle all those concepts?
Yeah, I think you have to start with the basics. So, you know,
while this book, I would say is primarily focused on kind of what you want for
yourself, I do think we have to start with what we need.

(16:44):
And that is right sleep, nutrition, taking care of your body and taking care of your mind.
So that to me, those are priorities.
And that again, requires us to maybe make sacrifices that we might want for
ourselves, but focusing on what you need and recognizing that that will shift,

(17:06):
that things will get better, hopefully, right, with time.
I do think that also requires us to let go of things that are important and what we can't control.
But also, the last thing I think is important is to identify and communicate
what you need from other people that can maybe help you.
So it's about asking for help in some regards, I think is important to consider too.

(17:30):
And that reaching out to people, I think that's a great segue for my next question,
because as you say about utilizing these practical solutions and finding that
time for the extra sleep and the rest, and that comes to...
You know, I could hear mom saying, yes, but where am I going to find the time for this?
Because this person demands this from me and that person demands this from me

(17:52):
and my children need this of me.
And so obviously there's a need for boundaries, but how do you address that
in your book on how to establish the boundaries and prioritize their own needs
over what's expected from them by society and their bosses and families, et cetera?
Yeah, I think, again, this is going to be different for everyone,
but I would say maybe a specific example,

(18:14):
at least in my experience and in some of the conversations and certainly from
my own experience, I think it requires us to have to maybe renegotiate situations,
whether that be with our boss or with others, right, our ex-partners,
et cetera, and be clear around what we want and what we need.

(18:35):
So I think, again, And that requires us to open our minds around what are the
possibilities and then to be clear around what we're asking from other people
and looking at what success looks like for you.
Which goes back to that first R, dosen't it?
With that, you know, finding out what is it that you actually desire,

(18:57):
reflect on what you actually need and who you are.
Yeah, you know, in a lot of coaching sessions, I'm somewhat surprised.
And certainly, I think this is why people come and work with me as a coach.
I'm sure you've experienced this. They just know that they're not feeling themselves.
They feel stuck. They don't know what they want. They don't know how to get what they want.

(19:19):
So working through and getting clarity
on that is really important but it is it
surprises me the number of people who haven't really sat down
to say what would you ask for and who do you need to ask from it right who do
you need to ask for what you want absolutely yeah they know they're lost but
they know they can't ask directions yeah and i suppose too it's it's in a way.

(19:47):
It's giving ourselves permission to reset
those priorities isn't it and and
we don't often as we've covered you
know in all that we've discussed already we don't give ourselves that permission
to we don't allow ourselves because we we find ourselves constrained with and
responsible for all the other things or the other balls we have to juggle so

(20:10):
how can mums start the process of
creating the life changes that they desire.
I would say follow the principles in the book. You know, this idea of permission,
it's so easy to say, right, to tell moms to give yourself permission to put yourself first.
I think it speaks to some of the barriers that I talk about in the book, guilt being one of them.

(20:33):
If you really step back and think about this idea of giving yourself permission.
Is there a belief or an underlying someone else to put ourselves first?
This whole idea that if we
don't take care of ourselves who will
yes right and in

(20:53):
order for me to give the best of myself to my
kids and to my partner or anyone else in
life I have to make sure that I take care
of myself because no one else is going to take as good
a care of me as I am and what would you say
to some people that would say well that's selfish surely you
know home i come last and and i

(21:16):
do that to me potentially comes back to a
belief mindset right i was raised my
mom was a single mom so my parents divorced when i was very young and i primarily
was under the care of my mom my dad was in our lives but he he lived in different
areas and supported us right he provided for our family but i think our upbringing

(21:38):
contributes to some of our own parenting.
I talk about this in the book too, and it's part of what I value, right?
And I think we all need to look at what we have learned and what we apply and value.
But the one big takeaway that I've had, Elle, is I've had to really untether myself
from what I was taught and what my parents believed I should do as a mom and

(22:02):
what society believes I I should do as a mom, right?
I have to define that for myself.
So if I have a belief that if I put myself first as being selfish,
that's where I need to start because that's the barrier.
So why is it that you believe putting yourself is selfish, right?

(22:23):
I think that's the question that maybe women can ask themselves.
Absolutely. And we could talk in circles in that one way.
Because absolutely that's what
we have we've been conditioned golly gosh all
right well we kind of draw close to the end of
the time that we have together but lastly what

(22:44):
is the last message you hope mums take away from your from your book from mum
eat first five principles to prioritize yourself and create the change you crave
i would say in short you can give the best of yourself when you start giving the best to yourself.
Absolutely I couldn't agree more I couldn't

(23:07):
agree more you can't give the best if you
are not giving yourself the best that is so very very true yeah and it might
come from you know this internal narrative and the storytelling that maybe someone
at some point told you you were selfish for doing that and that's become something
you believe and I think that's part of what contributes Contributes to the mom,

(23:28):
right, feeling momgry and resentment that we talked about.
And fuels that mom guilt too. Absolutely.
Well, thank you so very much, Kathy. I really appreciate your time here today.
Your book, that's available whereabouts when the moms get it?
You can get it on Amazon, online at Amazon or at Barnes & Noble.

(23:51):
Lovely. I'll put a link to that at the bottom of our podcast so
that moms can actually grab your book more easily thank you
I appreciate you having me thank you I appreciate
you being here with us too take care now Kathy
Sullivan what a great guest to have on
our first episode back and that message
you can give the best of yourself when

(24:13):
you start giving the best to yourself that's going on my wall it's absolutely
brilliant another thing that is absolutely brilliant is the single mung vine
I believe it is the largest and the most positive group in the social media space.
So join and be supported and uplifted by your fellow single mums.

(24:39):
And so till the next episode, it is a farewell from me.
Please leave any suggestions, topics you'd like to have covered at the bottom
of this episode. and I look forward to presenting to you in the future.