December 28, 2024 • 47 mins
The questions are in, your messages have been received, and it’s time for answers on this Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. Each month the New York Times bestselling author of The 5 Love Languages takes questions and comments from his listener line. This week, the final broadcast of 2024. Hear great questions about marriage struggles, the love languages and more. Don’t miss December’s Dear Gary broadcast on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.
Featured resource: The 5 Love Languages® for Men Workbook Bundle
Donate to Moody Radio: http://moodyradio.org/donateto/buildingrelationships
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
S1 (00:01):
She's always arguing with me and belittling me and calling
me names that I cannot repeat. I have all those
love languages. I'm sure everybody does. I've been praying that
God would soften her heart towards me. I thought I was.
S2 (00:12):
The only one that was feeling this way.
S3 (00:19):
Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of
the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. Today,
our final broadcast of 2024. As we take your calls
and questions for this trusted author and pastor. And remember,
if you'd like to ask Doctor Chapman a question in
the New Year, our number is 1866424. Gary. That's 1-866-424-4279.
S4 (00:46):
I am really encouraged with the response to some of
our recent programs. Gary, and you're going to hear a
number of men's voices on the program today. Love it
when men Get Involved. A featured resource at Building Relationships
US is the five Love Languages for men. Workbook bundle.
Now this is five love languages for men and then
the accompanying workbook. You can find out more at Building
(01:09):
Relationships us. But I want you to hear at the start, Gary,
tell us a little more about this workbook and this
edition that's geared specifically to men.
S5 (01:19):
Well, you know, Chris, on the book itself, the Five
Love Languages for men is obviously the same five love languages,
but I'm giving the guys a little extra help. Okay.
In terms of how do we speak these love languages?
And you don't have to have positive feelings at the moment,
but you're choosing an attitude of love, and then you're
(01:41):
learning how to speak these love languages. But the workbook
I am really excited about this because, you know, it's
one thing to read a book. It's another thing chapter
by chapter to apply what you've read. And the workbook
helps you do that. You read the chapter, then you
turn to the workbook and it helps you apply what
you just read. So I think it's going to help
(02:04):
men in a really practical way, to continue to grow
in their ability to share love in a meaningful way
to their spouses.
S6 (02:13):
Yes.
S4 (02:14):
Again, you can find out more. Just go to Building relationships.us.
The featured resource is the five Love Languages for men
Workbook bundle. Just go to building relationships.us. All right I
want to begin by reading a question from a listener.
She teaches a marriage class with her husband. They use
the Five Love Languages book they give them as gifts
(02:36):
and prizes, which I think is a great idea. And
she recommends that people take the free quiz, the assessment
at the website, and people have said to her that
the quiz is no longer free. You have to pay,
you know there's a cost for it. So I want
you to clear that up for us and tell us
what is the difference between the free assessment and the
one that has a cost?
S5 (02:56):
Yeah, well the new one is called the Premium Assessment,
which gives you a lot more information than simply what
your primary love language is. Uh, it will tell you
some of the dialects and help you discover the dialects
of your primary love language, which are, you know, different
ways and avenues in which to express your primary language
(03:18):
to others or for them to express it to you.
And it also deals with personality and how your personality
interfaces with your love languages. So it's really a lot
more help in that premium assessment. The other one, of course,
is still free. And we we want to keep it
that way because we want people to be able to
(03:39):
determine their primary love language easily and freely.
S4 (03:42):
So if you go to building relationships.us, you'll see that
assessment right there. Both the free assessment and the one
that has a cost with it, the premium. Just go
to building relationships.us. Us. Here's another five love languages question
a basic one, plus kind of a curious response from
a spouse about the book.
S7 (04:04):
Hi, Gary. Question for you. The five love languages. I
understand those, but I have all those love languages. I'm
sure everybody does. Or maybe. Are they ranked in order?
Strangely enough, like, I guess that's question one. Question two
would be I gave your book to my wife. This
would be years ago. She was furious, and she thought
(04:26):
it was inappropriate that I gave it to her. She's
a beast. Even these days. Even these days, she's kind
of a beast and doesn't take kindly to being told
what to do, but she sure likes to hand it out. Anyways,
back to my question number one. Everybody has those love
languages built into them. One might be stronger or not. Thanks.
S5 (04:47):
Well, I think it is true that all five of
these are legitimate ways to express love. and I think
all of us would receive any one of the five.
We're not opposed to any one of these five. But yes,
the key is that each of us has what I
call a primary love language. That is, one of the
(05:08):
five speaks more deeply to us emotionally than the other four.
We can receive love in all five, but if we
don't receive love in our primary language, likely we will
not feel loved even though the other person is expressing
love in some of the other ways. And that, I think,
is what has helped so many couples learn how to
(05:30):
effectively communicate love to their spouse. Now, the fact that
your wife got upset about your giving her the book.
I can't read her mind, of course, but my guess
is she thought this was you saying to her, girl,
you got to learn my love language. You read this
book and you can love me more effectively. And so
(05:53):
she's pushing back on that. She doesn't like to be
told what to do. And that's why sometimes I've said
to to couples, especially if their marriage is a little
bit strained. Anyway, why don't you have one of her
friends give her the book rather than you giving it
to her, because you give it to her as she reads,
she's thinking, what is he trying to tell me? What
(06:14):
is he trying to tell me? But if a friend
gives it to her, the lights begin to come on.
She said, oh, this makes a lot of sense, you know. No.
This is why I sometimes don't feel loved by my husband.
He's not speaking my primary language, and I wonder if
I'm speaking his primary language. Well, just a thought. Okay,
too late for you, but hopefully helpful to others.
S4 (06:35):
Well, it might not be too late to go back
and say, you know, you must have felt like I
had an agenda here or there was an expectations. This
is something that really helped me and turned the light
on for me. And I thought it might be helpful
for you as well. Um, and, you know, to, to
reintroduce that and show a little bit of his heart
rather than her feeling like, oh, he just wants me
(06:57):
to do this so that, you know, he'll feel loved again.
That could break down some barriers, don't you think?
S5 (07:04):
Well, I think so. It's certainly worth a try. You
know nothing to be lost. So, yeah, you know, I
think all of us, we are all self-centered. And when
we read the book, many times, we're thinking in terms of, oh,
my spouse is not speaking my language. That's why I
don't feel loved. You know, we're thinking about ourselves and
(07:25):
that's okay. And the book is designed to help us
both understand ourselves. But also the emphasis in the book
is learning how to express love to your spouse in
their primary love language. And consequently, if you do that
over an extended period of time, chances are they're going
to start speaking your language because love stimulates love. The
(07:49):
Bible says we love God because he first loved us.
So in a relationship, that same principle is true. You
love your spouse and their primary love language over an
extended period of time. There's a good chance that your
love coming through to them is going to stimulate inside
of them a desire to learn to speak your love language.
S4 (08:10):
Our featured resource is the Five Love Languages for men
workbook bundle might be a great way to start the
new year for men who want to learn more about
the love language concept, just go to Building Relationships. Dot
us Gary. On the second Saturday in November, we aired
a program we had with Sheri Mueller and her book,
I Want Him to Want Me How to Respond When
(08:34):
Your Husband Doesn't Want Sex. And we had a number
of calls related to that broadcast that I want you
to hear. So for parents listening with young kids, these
next few calls deal with intimacy in marriage.
S8 (08:48):
I heard your program today, Gary. And all I can
say is. Wow. Thank you so much. Gary and Chris
and Andrea and especially Sherry Mueller. I got married when
I was 25. I found Playboy magazines under the couch.
He wouldn't sleep with me. I, um, he'd sleep on
(09:09):
the couch until I was asleep in bed. I bought
a black, sexy nightgown, and he said, you know, I
like you better naked. So it was awful. And finally,
I'm 76 now. And now, praise God, and thank you,
thank you, thank you all for giving me the answer
(09:31):
to what really was emotional abuse. And I was embarrassed
to tell anyone. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Bye.
S5 (09:42):
Well, you know, Chris, I think there may be a
lot of listeners, ladies in particular, who have struggled with
this through the years but did not want to share
it with anybody because they had all these thoughts of,
you know, why is he like this? You know, why
is he not like other men? Or at least like
I think other men are? Uh, but they're just they're
(10:05):
just afraid to share it. They don't want to share it.
And this is really a powerful thing for her after
all these years, to hear someone talking about this openly
and it resonates with her, you know, and she realizes
that this is not normal. This is not natural. I
don't know if her husband's still alive or not at
(10:26):
that age, but at any rate, I'm glad she found
it helpful and I hope others did as well.
S4 (10:32):
This next call then, is representative of the women, like
our first caller who responded to Shari Mueller and her
message in what she said back in November.
S2 (10:42):
Hi, Gary. The program today I've been an answer to
a lot of thinking that I've been doing. I am
in a relationship with my husband that he does not
want to be intimate, and it's very hurtful and very demeaning.
And this sheds a great light on what I have
(11:07):
hesitated to talk about. I thought I was the only
one that was feeling this way. Anyway, thank you for
your program. God bless. Bye.
S5 (11:17):
Well, you know, Chris, there may be people listening today
who did not hear that program give us the name
of that book again, because I would hope that ladies
in that situation would read that book because it's very,
very helpful.
S4 (11:31):
Yes. I want him to want me. How to respond
when your husband doesn't want sex. And the website, if
you go to building relationships us and you go through
our past programs. You can hear that program if you
didn't hear it back in November. So just go to
building relationships.us. And when you find that program, you'll also
(11:55):
see a link to the book as well. I Want
Him to Want Me by Sheri Mueller. The other thing
about that program was Gary, Sherry's husband, came on toward
the end of the program, and we had a little
conversation with him as well. But it's representative that the
wound or the the hurt, the pain of one person
(12:15):
can help somebody else. And what I really resonated with
that call is I thought I was the only one.
There are a lot of women and a lot of
men too, about different issues that feel that way. I
think I'm the only one here, and sharing our stories
just brings down the walls there.
S5 (12:35):
I think you're right. And this is why, you know,
I encourage couples. I don't care what the problem is
if you've struggled with it for a long time. Go
for counseling and probably what you'll find out. You're not
the only one who's struggling with this. Counselors are familiar
with all kinds of struggles in marriage, and if people
would just be willing to reach out, you know, they
(12:56):
can find help. Books can help, but counseling can also
be very, very important.
S4 (13:01):
Here's a response from a caller who thought that the program,
he could leave the message and get it answered right then.
So let me just say, if you call 866424 Gary
and leave a message, it will be for a future
dear Gary broadcast. Okay. And we'd love to hear your
response to this program or a question that you're going
(13:22):
through right now. 1866424. Gary. But here's our next caller.
S9 (13:29):
Hi, Gary. For years, I used to fantasize about having
sex with imaginary women. And after I got married, it
affected my sex life. Could you comment on that, please.
Thank you.
S5 (13:43):
You know, Chris, I think many men do not realize
how their involvement with pornography or thoughts which this man
talks about imaginary thoughts with having sex with a particular
woman that you might see in the course of your
journey day by day. I think a lot of men
(14:04):
don't realize how that is going to affect them later on,
because what they've done is built an imaginary picture of
what it would be like and how wonderful it would be.
And then they get married in the real world with
a real person, and they find out, oh, this is
this is not what I thought it was going to be.
(14:25):
You know, that's why my conference is you know what
I'm talking about this part of the marriage. I say
we have to grow together in marriage to learn how
to have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. It's not automatic,
you know, just jumping in bed and it's going to happen.
It's a learning process, just like we have to learn
(14:46):
in many other areas of life to work together as
a team. And I think all of those unreal experiences,
whether it's imaginary or whether it's pornography, set us up
to be defeated and discouraged when we get married, because
we're going to sense this is not what I thought
it was going to be. So yeah, I'm glad he
(15:07):
called because I think that's a topic many men need
to hear.
S4 (15:10):
Yes, and I think that's what we've done this program
before to this topic. I think that's why these Facebook
romances from old flames from high school kind of bubbled
to the surface in a person's life, men or women,
because we remember the the feelings that we had, you know,
when we were 17, 18, 19, early 20s with this
(15:35):
person and that maybe were never even realized you never
got physical with them. But the memory of that comes
back when you see them all these years later and
you think, well, what if I'd made that choice? That's
a lure that the enemy uses, isn't it?
S5 (15:51):
I think so, Chris. And I think many times they're
in a marriage now with another person that's not going well.
And they're thinking, oh, if I'd married her, it wouldn't
be like this reality. She's a human, too, and you're
a human. And you would have similar, not necessarily the
(16:11):
same problems, but similar problems as well. And that's why
I think communication is so important in this part of
our marriage. And many couples don't talk about it, you know,
they just think it's supposed to happen. They don't discuss it.
You know what's meaningful to you, what's not meaningful to you,
what turns you on? What turns you off? I mean,
you know, real conversations, helping each other understand how we
(16:35):
can have mutual sexual satisfaction, which I think is God's
design for marriage.
S6 (16:40):
Yes.
S4 (16:41):
And that's one of the things that Sherry Mueller talked
about again. Her book is I want him to want me.
We aired the program the second Saturday in November. Just
go to Building Relationships us. And if you didn't hear that,
you can hear it again. And you can see more
about that book. I want him to want me. Okay.
One more response from a man who wanted to give
(17:03):
a little different perspective.
S10 (17:06):
Hi, Gary. I hear, um, this lady on the show.
She's speaking, um, about the lack of interest her husband
seems to have towards her when it comes to sex
or being intimate, but I haven't heard anyone mention anything
about their husband's age or his health condition. And that's
(17:30):
because a lot of men have low testosterone. The urgency
for sexual relations is not nearly as strong as it
used to be in the past, but also they have
other distractions. And don't forget, we live in a spiritual,
wicked world where the spirit of the devil is very present.
(17:53):
They can have sexual desires and urgency for other peoples,
more so than their wife, and their focus is there.
Or they could have secret relationships and their wife knows
nothing about it. Therefore, their desires for her gets weaker
and weaker and weaker, and whatever the other person they're
(18:16):
being with, it gets stronger and stronger. Over a period
of time, they may lose that desire for their wife completely.
It doesn't mean they have lost their sexual desires, but
they have lost their sexual desires for her. And on
the other hand, is she doing anything at all to
make her husband desires strong enough that he had that
(18:40):
same sexual appetite for her as he does with someone
else he could be involved with. They might just want
to ask him, can you be honest with me and
just tell me, what is it? Because we have no
sexual relationship or it's so weak until it's unreal. Can
(19:00):
you please explain to me your position? Some women have
an essay or don't know how. I'm sure it's an
embarrassing question, but somehow it needs to come up or
the relationship would be dead in that area. Thank you
and have a great day.
S5 (19:21):
Chris, I think this caller is touching on some very
real things in many marriages and why some men are
not involved as much with their wives because they're either
satisfying their sexual desires with pornography, or they are involved
physically with somebody else that the wife is unaware of,
(19:44):
that he was giving good advice to wives. If that's
if that's the case, you might just ask your husband,
be honest with me now. What's going on? Where are
you finding sexual satisfaction? He may or may not be
honest with you, but at least it would. It's worth
asking the question. Then the other point he's making is
there is a physical dimension to sexuality. And yes, there
(20:10):
may be a physical problem with the husband. He mentioned
one of those. But if a man himself knows that
he doesn't have the sexual desire for his wife or
anyone else, then it's worth a medical exam to find
out if he needs to seek some medical attention as well.
S4 (20:28):
That's really helpful. And again, if you go to building relationships. Us?
You can find that book. I want him to want me.
The second Saturday in November is when we aired the
conversation with Sherry Mueller. Just go to building. relationships.us. Have
time for a question here. Gary, that I found going
(20:49):
back through my email. And I don't think I ever
asked you this question, but this was back during the pandemic,
you know, so it's been a few years. I'm writing
about a friend who has a real problem, and I
don't know how to advise her. Her husband has a
shady past with alcohol, drugs, and adultery. He claims he
became a Christian two years ago. He was doing well,
(21:12):
but recently he's fallen off the wagon. It started with
drinking and he's gone downhill to the point of visiting
strip clubs. He will not listen to reason from his
Christian wife and won't answer calls. He is upsetting the
entire household, which includes several young children. He's not violent,
but she's at her wits end trying to deal with
(21:33):
him and caring for her children, which includes an infant.
She's been putting up with this most of their married life,
and was actually delivering their third baby alone because he
had gone away. She's forgiven him over and over again
and wants the marriage to work. He keeps saying that
he's sorry and then goes back to his shenanigans. I
would like to tell her to leave, but she really
(21:55):
has no family here in this area. She's seeking godly advice.
What would you advise?
S5 (22:03):
Well, Chris, you have to be moved just by reading.
Reading that. And I understand why she would say, you know,
just get out that that sometimes seems like the only thing.
But it's very difficult when you have five children and
no family to turn to. I would really hope that
(22:26):
this wife could see a Christian counselor, or if she
can't afford that, that somebody would help her find a
Christian counselor that can not only hear her struggle, but
also help hold her husband accountable. It would be great.
He said he became a Christian two years ago if
(22:47):
that was in the context of a local church, and
if he actually joined the local church, I think perhaps
talking to the pastor as well, or a Christian counselor,
the pastor might suggest, because someone outside the family who
is a Christian may be having the information you're sharing,
willing to call him and say, you know, your wife
(23:11):
came to me for some counseling and I really want
to help her, but I really need to hear your perspective.
Would you be willing to come and see me? And
a pastor can do that. You know, I've done that
many times through the years when only one person would
come for counseling, and I've never had anyone that wouldn't
come in. If I say I need your perspective on
the marriage, but as they come in, then you have
(23:34):
an opportunity to hear their side of the story, but
also an opportunity to lovingly confront them with the reality
that this lifestyle is not going to lead to a
healthy marriage. And God can help you. You know, for
two years, it seems like maybe he did fairly well.
God can help you break these habits. You don't have
(23:54):
to continue in this lifestyle, but someone has. You know,
God uses people and so someone confronting him in a loving,
kind way. Maybe God's answer in turning him around. And
obviously with five children, they need a father, but they
don't need a father that's not contributing, that's causing problems.
(24:15):
So I think confrontation, loving confrontation, she would have to
have someone outside the family confronting him if it's going
to be most effective.
S6 (24:24):
Yeah.
S4 (24:25):
The reason I wanted to read that today is, you know,
maybe there's somebody who's going through that right now, or
maybe that man who was written about, you know, is
out there and he's listening, or he's open then to
restoration and, and true forgiveness and, and coming back and,
(24:45):
and real redemption, you know, that comes along because that
can happen. There is hope for that person, even with
alcohol and drugs and and all that he was involved with.
There is new life. There's abundant life available for him,
isn't there?
S5 (25:01):
Absolutely. And when a person like that, if he really
did become a Christian, if he's confronted by a Christian
who's lovingly confronting him and gently confronting him, he's far
more likely to be open to that person, because they
bring not only the realization that this has got to change,
but they come with the realization God can give you
(25:22):
the power to do this. Many, many people have beaten
this kind of lifestyle. So yeah, that's the key. But
it doesn't happen if someone doesn't confront him. Because when
you're into alcohol, drugs and sexual relationships of all kinds
outside the marriage, that does not stop simply with the
passing of time. There has to be confrontation. But if
(25:43):
a person is a Christian at all, they will likely
respond positively to that kind of confrontation.
S3 (25:54):
This is the building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast.
Thanks for listening and for telling others about our conversations.
When you go to five Love languages.com, you can find
more ways to strengthen your relationships. Just click the resources
tab and you'll find the podcast there and today's featured resource.
(26:15):
Again go to five Love languages.com.
S4 (26:19):
Gary, you answered a question about a spiritual mismatch on
a Dear Gary broadcast. This was back at the end
of September. Here's a follow up to that call.
S11 (26:29):
Hi, Gary. A stronger answer could have advised the mother
to suggest her son and the Hindu woman have premarital
counseling and read premarital books. Also read related articles. And
I suggested it would recommend that they talk to others
(26:53):
who have experienced pitfalls, from marriage to someone who is
not a Christian, but who has another God. This is
a serious issue. Thank you.
S5 (27:07):
Well, Chris, I don't remember what my answer was to
the original question. This mismatch in marriage. But obviously what
she's saying is true. Uh, premarital counseling and reading books
on marriage Age beforehand. You know, the book I wrote
is called things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got married.
(27:27):
And I deal with the spiritual issue in that book,
among other things, it has to be dealt with. Are
we marching to the beat of the same drummer? If
we've got two different gods and everything that flows out
of those beliefs in God, we're setting ourselves up for
trouble in marriage. And I have had couples who've read
my book and actually decided not to get married, because
(27:51):
in this area or some other areas, they realize they
were just too far apart to to have, you know,
real communion in a relationship. And certainly then premarital counseling
is the ideal. If you sit down with a premarital counselor, uh,
even even if they're not a Christian, they're probably going
to say to you, you're living in two different worlds,
(28:12):
a Hindu world and a Christian world, two different worlds.
You guys need to really take this seriously. So her
advice was good.
S4 (28:21):
I think the caller back in September was a mom
who was concerned about her son and then future daughter
in law. That's what I think was happening. And so
you were speaking mainly to the mom, and because she said,
what can I do? And and so this caller was
hearing that through. Well, you should have told her this
(28:42):
and that. So if you ever hear Gary answer a
question and you say the same thing, Gary, why didn't
you say this? Call us 866424. Gary. Gary's humble enough
to say he doesn't know everything. And believe it. Eight. Six. Six. Four. Two. Four. Gary.
Because you may say something. You may miss something even
(29:03):
in the question. Though you very rarely do that that
somebody else can pick up on. That's helpful, isn't it?
S5 (29:09):
Absolutely. Chris, I'm always open to ideas or responses to
what I've said, negative or positive.
S4 (29:17):
So your call Your question might help someone else who's
listening in the new year, which is right around the corner.
Call with your question or response. 1866424 Gary, we'd love
to hear from you. Now here's a man with a
difficult situation.
S12 (29:35):
Hi, Gary. Um, I just heard a wife call in
that was working on. She had been separated with the
hopes of reconciliation with her husband, who had been not
physically or whatever, you know, abusing her, but more emotionally
and invalidating her thoughts and her contributions. And I thought
(29:58):
I heard you mention that it might be the other way.
It could be the other way. And, you know, my
wife hasn't really expressed any terms of endearment or love
for for years. And I've been praying that God would
soften her heart towards me, that he would keep me
a faithful, loving husband. I've tried to get her to
(30:19):
go to counseling. I've been to counseling and she would
refuse to go. It's my understanding that I have no
option to separate from her because I'm accountable as the husband.
I'd like your thoughts on that, please.
S5 (30:33):
Well, I think any time a husband is married to
a wife who is not affirming him at all and
not expressing, you know, expressions of love to him at all,
it's very difficult. But I admire this husband because he
is also demonstrating a deep commitment to his faith in
God and his commitment to marriage. Because marriage in the
(30:55):
Bible is seen as a covenant that we make with
each other in the presence of God, that we are
going to be there for each other. And simply because
one spouse is not responding in a positive way doesn't
give us grounds to divorce them. Listen, many people are
not expressing love to their spouse at certain phases in
(31:17):
that life. But I would say this if he has
a friend or a contact with a friend of hers,
and if she has never read the five love languages,
if a friend could give that book to her, it
may be something God could use to open her eyes. Now,
maybe that's already happened. I don't know. But a wife
(31:39):
that's not responding to her husband with affirmation or any
expressions of love if she reads that book many times
God has used it to help that woman come to see. Oh,
this is this. This makes sense to me. And I've
seen marriages that were either. Neither one of them had
hope that things were going to get better. But they
(32:01):
do get better when they understand the concept of the
five love languages. The other thing I would say is
if you know her love language, then you continue speaking
that language and speaking on a regular basis. Because if
indeed you are touching her emotionally, that is meeting that
emotional need for love in her life, she's far more
(32:24):
likely to begin to treat you in a different way.
And I don't know if you know her love language
or not, and you can't really tell her. You know,
I need to know your love language because I want
to love you better. That's probably too brazen. But again,
if she could have that book in her hands and
read it, then you could have a conversation that might
(32:45):
really turn things around.
S4 (32:47):
That situation is not the the normal slash usual one
that I hear. I more often hear women call and say,
my my husband, you know, doesn't love me and I
can't get him to go to counseling that he, you know,
that he is gone. And he says she's not open
(33:08):
to this. Uh, as you said, I really respect him
for doing that hard work in himself and going to
the counselor. But a lot of times it's the other
way around, isn't it?
S5 (33:19):
Absolutely, Chris. Far more common that wives say, my husband
will not go for counseling. He won't read a book
on marriage. He won't go to a marriage conference. He
won't even talk about us.
S6 (33:30):
Yeah.
S5 (33:31):
You know, and that's that's tragic because we can't grow
if we don't communicate and talk about our relationship in
a positive way. I don't mean arguing all the time,
but I mean talking about it openly and honestly with
each other.
S4 (33:47):
Is there a way? Here's my final question about this.
Is there a way to soften someone else's heart?
S5 (33:54):
Well, I think to communicate love to her and to
say to her, perhaps, you know, honey, I don't know
how you feel about us and our relationship, but I really,
in my heart, I love you. Now, I don't know
if it comes across to you that way. I don't
know if you're really feeling my love. But deep in
(34:16):
my heart I love you deeply. And I'm not. I'm
not sure I'm coming across. I'm not sure you're sensing
how deeply I love you. Can can you can you
give me some insight on that? She may well open
up to him, you know, and he may realize that indeed,
even though she may know nothing about the love language concept,
(34:37):
he may realize he has been missing her because he's speaking.
He's loving her, but not in her love language. So
she may not feel loved by him, just as he
doesn't feel loved by her. But I think in conversation
in which you're turning it on yourself and saying, I
really want to have a good marriage. And I know
(34:58):
that one of the most important things is that people
feel loved. And I know in my heart I do
love you, but I'm not sure you feel that I
love you. She opens up to that he may get
some information that will help him to know how to
invest his time and energy in the most effective way,
in expressing love to her, which then touches her heart
(35:21):
and makes her open to respond to him in a
different way.
S4 (35:25):
She feels demeaned and dismissed and doesn't feel heard. How
do you deal with that in a marriage? Here's our
next caller.
S13 (35:35):
Hi, Gary. Just wondering, what do I do? My husband
always talks down to me like I am not important.
And then when I ever try talking to him, he
doesn't act like he's listening or that he cares what
I have to say. And that even the sentence he
(35:57):
tries to hurry me up to finishing it or rolls
his eyes so I never feel like he cares what
I'm saying and Seems to always not care about me
as far as my opinion or my mind, or just
(36:18):
don't know what to do anymore. And was thinking yes,
that this was abuse because he doesn't. He talks to
me like not good. Thank you.
S5 (36:32):
Well, you know, Chris, when you hear, uh, where she
is in this relationship and how she feels, you have
you have to have empathy for that because it's very
difficult when you feel like, you know, you're not really
valued and your ideas are not valued by your spouse. Oh,
what might she do? You know, I don't know if
(36:56):
she's ever read the five love languages or not, but
if she could read it and he could read it,
it could be transformative in that marriage. Another step in
the process might be for her to say to him, honey,
I've been thinking a lot about us and I want
to ask you a question. How could I be a
(37:18):
better wife to you? He might be shocked by the question.
He may have an immediate answer and tell you 2
or 3 things that would make you a better wife.
But what I'm saying is, you can't change him, but
you can change yourself. So if you're open to asking
(37:38):
that question to him and he's giving you an answer
and you respond to that in a positive way, he
may in time ask you that question. You know, you
asked me this question some time ago and and I
shared some things with you on how you could be
a better wife. And I just want to say I
(37:59):
really appreciate the changes you've made. So let me ask you,
how could I be a better husband. That would be
an approach. I have no idea how he would respond
if you asked that, but I do know it would
be a non-threatening thing to him. You're not telling him
what he should do. You're not complaining about how you feel.
(38:21):
You're asking him a question. What could I do to
be a better wife? And then if you respond to
what he says, you might find that that would be
the road to eventually him learning to respect you and
show that respect and show that love to you, because
your love would stimulate love in him. That's a pattern.
S4 (38:43):
You know how I responded to her call, especially with
the dismissal or hurry up, you know, get to the point.
Come on. I wonder if there's. If she felt that
way in in the past, in any other relationship, maybe
in her family or mom or dad siblings that she had,
you know? Come on, get to the point. Move along.
(39:04):
And so when he says that, and when he acts
that way, it touches this nerve inside that even pushes
her down even further. And I'm not saying that, you know,
it's she's the problem. I'm just saying that it makes
it more painful for her to have somebody that she's
committed to and loves act that way toward her.
S5 (39:26):
Well, that is certainly a possibility, Chris, no question about it.
That experiences we've had in childhood and we've if we
felt put down, that our ideas are not important to
the family members that we grew up in, then we
get into a marriage and we find that it triggers
back those emotions that we felt way back then. And
many times we're not even realizing where it's coming from.
(39:49):
We don't realize this is the way it was when
I was growing up. Now here's my husband treating me
the same way. Yeah, that could well be a part
of it. And that's why her going for counseling could
be helpful.
S14 (40:02):
For her.
S5 (40:03):
To understand herself and why she's feeling what she's feeling.
S4 (40:08):
Yes, and that might elicit some questions from him as well.
If she if she changes a little bit in the
relationship and he's asking what's going on with you, you know,
after she goes along for counseling. Um, that's not a panacea.
You know, it's not a fix for everything, but learning
more about yourself is always a good thing. And, uh, Gary,
(40:30):
thanks for that answer. We have one more final call
here on our dear Gary, the last one of 2024.
And this is another response to the Sherry Mueller program,
which dealt with intimacy in marriage. Again, if you didn't
hear that conversation, go to building. relationships.us. You can hear
the program from November 8th right there. Building relationships.us. Here's
(40:54):
our final question of 2024.
S15 (40:57):
Thank you for your, uh, your show today. It was awesome.
I just want to throw my two my $0.02. My wife,
she loves to argue and fight and so this makes
me not really want to be making love to somebody
who is so hateful. She's not a Christian. And also
I love her because I'm a Christian, but she hates
(41:19):
God and she's always making fun of me for reading
the Bible every day. But I will still love her
no matter what. But why? I don't want to make
love to her because she's always arguing with me and
hateful and belittling me and calling me names that I
cannot cannot repeat. But I'm going to love her. I'm
going to stay in this marriage no matter what. She's
(41:39):
broken up with me like a thousand times, and I've
never broken up with her when we were not married.
One time I did just to show her that maybe
it's my fault. Whatever. I'm just saying. Fighting and hating
and saying that she don't love me and she hates
me and all that. And then. Now you want me
to make love to you. It's just, you know, I
just feel like. And that's what I told her. I
(41:59):
only told her one time. I said, I just feel
like you don't. You don't love me. You hate me,
you despise me. And that's why. Okay. Thank you for listening.
S5 (42:08):
Well, Chris, in a situation like this, he's describing what
I think other men might describe as the problem in
his situation as to why he is not interested in
being intimate with her. And when you realize that you're
hearing that sort of thing day after day after day,
we're not drawn to to a spouse. If we're getting
(42:30):
all that negative stuff, you know, coming from them. I
really appreciate his commitment. You know, his sense of commitment.
He's not going to walk away from her. The question
would be, what can he do that might help the situation?
And he probably has no idea. And I'm not sure
I have any good ideas, to be honest with you.
(42:50):
When you when you hear that sort of thing day
after day after day. But again, let me go back
to what I just suggested to the other caller. What
if he said to her, I know that our relationship
is not what it should be, and I have the
sense that you sometimes hate me, that you sometimes, uh,
(43:13):
and he can tell whatever he's heard from her. But
what I want to do, I want to ask you,
can you just give me 1 or 2 things that
I could do or not do that would make me
a better husband? And the reason I say 1 or
2 is because I want to be able to work
on them. And you might have 16 but if you
(43:35):
give me 1 or 2 and let me see if
I can work on those, then in a month or
so I'll ask you again and you can give me
some other ideas. Again, I'm operating on the reality. He
cannot make her change. He cannot change her. The only
person he can change is himself. And my guess is
(43:56):
that he's just been trying to survive all these negative
words that she's throwing at him, and he's having not
only a hard time in the physical area, but in
the rest of life. I mean, when you live with
that all the time, it's hard to live with. And
so the same God who gives him the power to
live with that and to stay in the marriage, can
(44:17):
give him the power to honestly ask how he could
be a better husband. And then honestly, with God's help,
begin to make some changes and he just might see
a change in her. But at least he's taking initiative
to do something rather than just, you know, sit there
and continue to go through the same old thing over
(44:39):
and over.
S6 (44:39):
Right.
S4 (44:40):
White knuckle it. Yeah. You know, the other thing, it
sounds like he's not hiding his faith. You know, she
knows about his his faith in God. And and she
makes fun of him or demeans him for that. And
and my question is, I wonder why this intense hatred
toward God or toward Christianity. Or maybe it's his his
brand of Christianity. Or maybe there's something like the earlier call.
(45:02):
There's something that happened to her way back when, and
that is bubbling up here. And this is she thinks,
I didn't sign up for this, you know, and he
can't know that unless they have those kinds of conversations.
S5 (45:15):
Yeah, you're right, Chris. That's why I think, again, you know,
open conversations are important. So many couples go through years
of not willing to discuss with each other their problems
unless they do it in a negative, condemning way, which
is what she's doing to him. And and so they
just keep that lifestyle of just shooting each other. And
(45:38):
it's it's never going to lead to anything positive if
they continue to shoot each other. That's why I sometimes
say the first step in a marriage like that is
to call a truce. What if we just say, you know, honey,
we've shot each other so much, we both are wounded.
Can we just have a truce? And for maybe for
(46:00):
the for a month. Agree that we will not shoot
each other. We will not throw verbal bombs at each
other just for a month and see. See what it's like.
And maybe we can get calm enough that we can
begin to work on our marriage. So sometimes calling a truce,
if both are willing to do it. But somebody's got
(46:22):
to bring it up. And if you go for a
month without shooting each other, you might be a different
climate that you could then talk about some other things.
So yeah, it's communication, but it's hard when you're both
just shooting each other.
S4 (46:37):
Well, before we conclude, let me give you our number
where you can leave a question for Doctor Chapman or
respond to something maybe you've heard today. 1866424. Gary. What
you ask? What's going on in your life might help
somebody else as well as yourself. Eight. 866424. Gary is
our number for any question or comment you have about
(46:58):
your relationships in the New Year. We'd love to hear
from you. If you go to the website Building Relationships Us,
you'll find our featured resource right there the five Love
Languages for Men Workbook bundle. Just go to Building relationships.us.
S5 (47:13):
And next week we begin 2025 with a program about
men and sexual purity.
S3 (47:20):
Don't miss the conversation about a bold biblical battle plan
for men to start the New Year. A big thank
you to our hard working production team, Steve Wick and Janice.
Backing building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is a production
of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry
of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening and.
UU (47:42):
Happy New Year.
She's always arguing with me and belittling me and calling
me names that I cannot repeat. I have all those
love languages. I'm sure everybody does. I've been praying that
God would soften her heart towards me. I thought I was.
S2 (00:12):
The only one that was feeling this way.
S3 (00:19):
Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of
the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. Today,
our final broadcast of 2024. As we take your calls
and questions for this trusted author and pastor. And remember,
if you'd like to ask Doctor Chapman a question in
the New Year, our number is 1866424. Gary. That's 1-866-424-4279.
S4 (00:46):
I am really encouraged with the response to some of
our recent programs. Gary, and you're going to hear a
number of men's voices on the program today. Love it
when men Get Involved. A featured resource at Building Relationships
US is the five Love Languages for men. Workbook bundle.
Now this is five love languages for men and then
the accompanying workbook. You can find out more at Building
(01:09):
Relationships us. But I want you to hear at the start, Gary,
tell us a little more about this workbook and this
edition that's geared specifically to men.
S5 (01:19):
Well, you know, Chris, on the book itself, the Five
Love Languages for men is obviously the same five love languages,
but I'm giving the guys a little extra help. Okay.
In terms of how do we speak these love languages?
And you don't have to have positive feelings at the moment,
but you're choosing an attitude of love, and then you're
(01:41):
learning how to speak these love languages. But the workbook
I am really excited about this because, you know, it's
one thing to read a book. It's another thing chapter
by chapter to apply what you've read. And the workbook
helps you do that. You read the chapter, then you
turn to the workbook and it helps you apply what
you just read. So I think it's going to help
(02:04):
men in a really practical way, to continue to grow
in their ability to share love in a meaningful way
to their spouses.
S6 (02:13):
Yes.
S4 (02:14):
Again, you can find out more. Just go to Building relationships.us.
The featured resource is the five Love Languages for men
Workbook bundle. Just go to building relationships.us. All right I
want to begin by reading a question from a listener.
She teaches a marriage class with her husband. They use
the Five Love Languages book they give them as gifts
(02:36):
and prizes, which I think is a great idea. And
she recommends that people take the free quiz, the assessment
at the website, and people have said to her that
the quiz is no longer free. You have to pay,
you know there's a cost for it. So I want
you to clear that up for us and tell us
what is the difference between the free assessment and the
one that has a cost?
S5 (02:56):
Yeah, well the new one is called the Premium Assessment,
which gives you a lot more information than simply what
your primary love language is. Uh, it will tell you
some of the dialects and help you discover the dialects
of your primary love language, which are, you know, different
ways and avenues in which to express your primary language
(03:18):
to others or for them to express it to you.
And it also deals with personality and how your personality
interfaces with your love languages. So it's really a lot
more help in that premium assessment. The other one, of course,
is still free. And we we want to keep it
that way because we want people to be able to
(03:39):
determine their primary love language easily and freely.
S4 (03:42):
So if you go to building relationships.us, you'll see that
assessment right there. Both the free assessment and the one
that has a cost with it, the premium. Just go
to building relationships.us. Us. Here's another five love languages question
a basic one, plus kind of a curious response from
a spouse about the book.
S7 (04:04):
Hi, Gary. Question for you. The five love languages. I
understand those, but I have all those love languages. I'm
sure everybody does. Or maybe. Are they ranked in order?
Strangely enough, like, I guess that's question one. Question two
would be I gave your book to my wife. This
would be years ago. She was furious, and she thought
(04:26):
it was inappropriate that I gave it to her. She's
a beast. Even these days. Even these days, she's kind
of a beast and doesn't take kindly to being told
what to do, but she sure likes to hand it out. Anyways,
back to my question number one. Everybody has those love
languages built into them. One might be stronger or not. Thanks.
S5 (04:47):
Well, I think it is true that all five of
these are legitimate ways to express love. and I think
all of us would receive any one of the five.
We're not opposed to any one of these five. But yes,
the key is that each of us has what I
call a primary love language. That is, one of the
(05:08):
five speaks more deeply to us emotionally than the other four.
We can receive love in all five, but if we
don't receive love in our primary language, likely we will
not feel loved even though the other person is expressing
love in some of the other ways. And that, I think,
is what has helped so many couples learn how to
(05:30):
effectively communicate love to their spouse. Now, the fact that
your wife got upset about your giving her the book.
I can't read her mind, of course, but my guess
is she thought this was you saying to her, girl,
you got to learn my love language. You read this
book and you can love me more effectively. And so
(05:53):
she's pushing back on that. She doesn't like to be
told what to do. And that's why sometimes I've said
to to couples, especially if their marriage is a little
bit strained. Anyway, why don't you have one of her
friends give her the book rather than you giving it
to her, because you give it to her as she reads,
she's thinking, what is he trying to tell me? What
(06:14):
is he trying to tell me? But if a friend
gives it to her, the lights begin to come on.
She said, oh, this makes a lot of sense, you know. No.
This is why I sometimes don't feel loved by my husband.
He's not speaking my primary language, and I wonder if
I'm speaking his primary language. Well, just a thought. Okay,
too late for you, but hopefully helpful to others.
S4 (06:35):
Well, it might not be too late to go back
and say, you know, you must have felt like I
had an agenda here or there was an expectations. This
is something that really helped me and turned the light
on for me. And I thought it might be helpful
for you as well. Um, and, you know, to, to
reintroduce that and show a little bit of his heart
rather than her feeling like, oh, he just wants me
(06:57):
to do this so that, you know, he'll feel loved again.
That could break down some barriers, don't you think?
S5 (07:04):
Well, I think so. It's certainly worth a try. You
know nothing to be lost. So, yeah, you know, I
think all of us, we are all self-centered. And when
we read the book, many times, we're thinking in terms of, oh,
my spouse is not speaking my language. That's why I
don't feel loved. You know, we're thinking about ourselves and
(07:25):
that's okay. And the book is designed to help us
both understand ourselves. But also the emphasis in the book
is learning how to express love to your spouse in
their primary love language. And consequently, if you do that
over an extended period of time, chances are they're going
to start speaking your language because love stimulates love. The
(07:49):
Bible says we love God because he first loved us.
So in a relationship, that same principle is true. You
love your spouse and their primary love language over an
extended period of time. There's a good chance that your
love coming through to them is going to stimulate inside
of them a desire to learn to speak your love language.
S4 (08:10):
Our featured resource is the Five Love Languages for men
workbook bundle might be a great way to start the
new year for men who want to learn more about
the love language concept, just go to Building Relationships. Dot
us Gary. On the second Saturday in November, we aired
a program we had with Sheri Mueller and her book,
I Want Him to Want Me How to Respond When
(08:34):
Your Husband Doesn't Want Sex. And we had a number
of calls related to that broadcast that I want you
to hear. So for parents listening with young kids, these
next few calls deal with intimacy in marriage.
S8 (08:48):
I heard your program today, Gary. And all I can
say is. Wow. Thank you so much. Gary and Chris
and Andrea and especially Sherry Mueller. I got married when
I was 25. I found Playboy magazines under the couch.
He wouldn't sleep with me. I, um, he'd sleep on
(09:09):
the couch until I was asleep in bed. I bought
a black, sexy nightgown, and he said, you know, I
like you better naked. So it was awful. And finally,
I'm 76 now. And now, praise God, and thank you,
thank you, thank you all for giving me the answer
(09:31):
to what really was emotional abuse. And I was embarrassed
to tell anyone. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Bye.
S5 (09:42):
Well, you know, Chris, I think there may be a
lot of listeners, ladies in particular, who have struggled with
this through the years but did not want to share
it with anybody because they had all these thoughts of,
you know, why is he like this? You know, why
is he not like other men? Or at least like
I think other men are? Uh, but they're just they're
(10:05):
just afraid to share it. They don't want to share it.
And this is really a powerful thing for her after
all these years, to hear someone talking about this openly
and it resonates with her, you know, and she realizes
that this is not normal. This is not natural. I
don't know if her husband's still alive or not at
(10:26):
that age, but at any rate, I'm glad she found
it helpful and I hope others did as well.
S4 (10:32):
This next call then, is representative of the women, like
our first caller who responded to Shari Mueller and her
message in what she said back in November.
S2 (10:42):
Hi, Gary. The program today I've been an answer to
a lot of thinking that I've been doing. I am
in a relationship with my husband that he does not
want to be intimate, and it's very hurtful and very demeaning.
And this sheds a great light on what I have
(11:07):
hesitated to talk about. I thought I was the only
one that was feeling this way. Anyway, thank you for
your program. God bless. Bye.
S5 (11:17):
Well, you know, Chris, there may be people listening today
who did not hear that program give us the name
of that book again, because I would hope that ladies
in that situation would read that book because it's very,
very helpful.
S4 (11:31):
Yes. I want him to want me. How to respond
when your husband doesn't want sex. And the website, if
you go to building relationships us and you go through
our past programs. You can hear that program if you
didn't hear it back in November. So just go to
building relationships.us. And when you find that program, you'll also
(11:55):
see a link to the book as well. I Want
Him to Want Me by Sheri Mueller. The other thing
about that program was Gary, Sherry's husband, came on toward
the end of the program, and we had a little
conversation with him as well. But it's representative that the
wound or the the hurt, the pain of one person
(12:15):
can help somebody else. And what I really resonated with
that call is I thought I was the only one.
There are a lot of women and a lot of
men too, about different issues that feel that way. I
think I'm the only one here, and sharing our stories
just brings down the walls there.
S5 (12:35):
I think you're right. And this is why, you know,
I encourage couples. I don't care what the problem is
if you've struggled with it for a long time. Go
for counseling and probably what you'll find out. You're not
the only one who's struggling with this. Counselors are familiar
with all kinds of struggles in marriage, and if people
would just be willing to reach out, you know, they
(12:56):
can find help. Books can help, but counseling can also
be very, very important.
S4 (13:01):
Here's a response from a caller who thought that the program,
he could leave the message and get it answered right then.
So let me just say, if you call 866424 Gary
and leave a message, it will be for a future
dear Gary broadcast. Okay. And we'd love to hear your
response to this program or a question that you're going
(13:22):
through right now. 1866424. Gary. But here's our next caller.
S9 (13:29):
Hi, Gary. For years, I used to fantasize about having
sex with imaginary women. And after I got married, it
affected my sex life. Could you comment on that, please.
Thank you.
S5 (13:43):
You know, Chris, I think many men do not realize
how their involvement with pornography or thoughts which this man
talks about imaginary thoughts with having sex with a particular
woman that you might see in the course of your
journey day by day. I think a lot of men
(14:04):
don't realize how that is going to affect them later on,
because what they've done is built an imaginary picture of
what it would be like and how wonderful it would be.
And then they get married in the real world with
a real person, and they find out, oh, this is
this is not what I thought it was going to be.
(14:25):
You know, that's why my conference is you know what
I'm talking about this part of the marriage. I say
we have to grow together in marriage to learn how
to have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. It's not automatic,
you know, just jumping in bed and it's going to happen.
It's a learning process, just like we have to learn
(14:46):
in many other areas of life to work together as
a team. And I think all of those unreal experiences,
whether it's imaginary or whether it's pornography, set us up
to be defeated and discouraged when we get married, because
we're going to sense this is not what I thought
it was going to be. So yeah, I'm glad he
(15:07):
called because I think that's a topic many men need
to hear.
S4 (15:10):
Yes, and I think that's what we've done this program
before to this topic. I think that's why these Facebook
romances from old flames from high school kind of bubbled
to the surface in a person's life, men or women,
because we remember the the feelings that we had, you know,
when we were 17, 18, 19, early 20s with this
(15:35):
person and that maybe were never even realized you never
got physical with them. But the memory of that comes
back when you see them all these years later and
you think, well, what if I'd made that choice? That's
a lure that the enemy uses, isn't it?
S5 (15:51):
I think so, Chris. And I think many times they're
in a marriage now with another person that's not going well.
And they're thinking, oh, if I'd married her, it wouldn't
be like this reality. She's a human, too, and you're
a human. And you would have similar, not necessarily the
(16:11):
same problems, but similar problems as well. And that's why
I think communication is so important in this part of
our marriage. And many couples don't talk about it, you know,
they just think it's supposed to happen. They don't discuss it.
You know what's meaningful to you, what's not meaningful to you,
what turns you on? What turns you off? I mean,
you know, real conversations, helping each other understand how we
(16:35):
can have mutual sexual satisfaction, which I think is God's
design for marriage.
S6 (16:40):
Yes.
S4 (16:41):
And that's one of the things that Sherry Mueller talked
about again. Her book is I want him to want me.
We aired the program the second Saturday in November. Just
go to Building Relationships us. And if you didn't hear that,
you can hear it again. And you can see more
about that book. I want him to want me. Okay.
One more response from a man who wanted to give
(17:03):
a little different perspective.
S10 (17:06):
Hi, Gary. I hear, um, this lady on the show.
She's speaking, um, about the lack of interest her husband
seems to have towards her when it comes to sex
or being intimate, but I haven't heard anyone mention anything
about their husband's age or his health condition. And that's
(17:30):
because a lot of men have low testosterone. The urgency
for sexual relations is not nearly as strong as it
used to be in the past, but also they have
other distractions. And don't forget, we live in a spiritual,
wicked world where the spirit of the devil is very present.
(17:53):
They can have sexual desires and urgency for other peoples,
more so than their wife, and their focus is there.
Or they could have secret relationships and their wife knows
nothing about it. Therefore, their desires for her gets weaker
and weaker and weaker, and whatever the other person they're
(18:16):
being with, it gets stronger and stronger. Over a period
of time, they may lose that desire for their wife completely.
It doesn't mean they have lost their sexual desires, but
they have lost their sexual desires for her. And on
the other hand, is she doing anything at all to
make her husband desires strong enough that he had that
(18:40):
same sexual appetite for her as he does with someone
else he could be involved with. They might just want
to ask him, can you be honest with me and
just tell me, what is it? Because we have no
sexual relationship or it's so weak until it's unreal. Can
(19:00):
you please explain to me your position? Some women have
an essay or don't know how. I'm sure it's an
embarrassing question, but somehow it needs to come up or
the relationship would be dead in that area. Thank you
and have a great day.
S5 (19:21):
Chris, I think this caller is touching on some very
real things in many marriages and why some men are
not involved as much with their wives because they're either
satisfying their sexual desires with pornography, or they are involved
physically with somebody else that the wife is unaware of,
(19:44):
that he was giving good advice to wives. If that's
if that's the case, you might just ask your husband,
be honest with me now. What's going on? Where are
you finding sexual satisfaction? He may or may not be
honest with you, but at least it would. It's worth
asking the question. Then the other point he's making is
there is a physical dimension to sexuality. And yes, there
(20:10):
may be a physical problem with the husband. He mentioned
one of those. But if a man himself knows that
he doesn't have the sexual desire for his wife or
anyone else, then it's worth a medical exam to find
out if he needs to seek some medical attention as well.
S4 (20:28):
That's really helpful. And again, if you go to building relationships. Us?
You can find that book. I want him to want me.
The second Saturday in November is when we aired the
conversation with Sherry Mueller. Just go to building. relationships.us. Have
time for a question here. Gary, that I found going
(20:49):
back through my email. And I don't think I ever
asked you this question, but this was back during the pandemic,
you know, so it's been a few years. I'm writing
about a friend who has a real problem, and I
don't know how to advise her. Her husband has a
shady past with alcohol, drugs, and adultery. He claims he
became a Christian two years ago. He was doing well,
(21:12):
but recently he's fallen off the wagon. It started with
drinking and he's gone downhill to the point of visiting
strip clubs. He will not listen to reason from his
Christian wife and won't answer calls. He is upsetting the
entire household, which includes several young children. He's not violent,
but she's at her wits end trying to deal with
(21:33):
him and caring for her children, which includes an infant.
She's been putting up with this most of their married life,
and was actually delivering their third baby alone because he
had gone away. She's forgiven him over and over again
and wants the marriage to work. He keeps saying that
he's sorry and then goes back to his shenanigans. I
would like to tell her to leave, but she really
(21:55):
has no family here in this area. She's seeking godly advice.
What would you advise?
S5 (22:03):
Well, Chris, you have to be moved just by reading.
Reading that. And I understand why she would say, you know,
just get out that that sometimes seems like the only thing.
But it's very difficult when you have five children and
no family to turn to. I would really hope that
(22:26):
this wife could see a Christian counselor, or if she
can't afford that, that somebody would help her find a
Christian counselor that can not only hear her struggle, but
also help hold her husband accountable. It would be great.
He said he became a Christian two years ago if
(22:47):
that was in the context of a local church, and
if he actually joined the local church, I think perhaps
talking to the pastor as well, or a Christian counselor,
the pastor might suggest, because someone outside the family who
is a Christian may be having the information you're sharing,
willing to call him and say, you know, your wife
(23:11):
came to me for some counseling and I really want
to help her, but I really need to hear your perspective.
Would you be willing to come and see me? And
a pastor can do that. You know, I've done that
many times through the years when only one person would
come for counseling, and I've never had anyone that wouldn't
come in. If I say I need your perspective on
the marriage, but as they come in, then you have
(23:34):
an opportunity to hear their side of the story, but
also an opportunity to lovingly confront them with the reality
that this lifestyle is not going to lead to a
healthy marriage. And God can help you. You know, for
two years, it seems like maybe he did fairly well.
God can help you break these habits. You don't have
(23:54):
to continue in this lifestyle, but someone has. You know,
God uses people and so someone confronting him in a loving,
kind way. Maybe God's answer in turning him around. And
obviously with five children, they need a father, but they
don't need a father that's not contributing, that's causing problems.
(24:15):
So I think confrontation, loving confrontation, she would have to
have someone outside the family confronting him if it's going
to be most effective.
S6 (24:24):
Yeah.
S4 (24:25):
The reason I wanted to read that today is, you know,
maybe there's somebody who's going through that right now, or
maybe that man who was written about, you know, is
out there and he's listening, or he's open then to
restoration and, and true forgiveness and, and coming back and,
(24:45):
and real redemption, you know, that comes along because that
can happen. There is hope for that person, even with
alcohol and drugs and and all that he was involved with.
There is new life. There's abundant life available for him,
isn't there?
S5 (25:01):
Absolutely. And when a person like that, if he really
did become a Christian, if he's confronted by a Christian
who's lovingly confronting him and gently confronting him, he's far
more likely to be open to that person, because they
bring not only the realization that this has got to change,
but they come with the realization God can give you
(25:22):
the power to do this. Many, many people have beaten
this kind of lifestyle. So yeah, that's the key. But
it doesn't happen if someone doesn't confront him. Because when
you're into alcohol, drugs and sexual relationships of all kinds
outside the marriage, that does not stop simply with the
passing of time. There has to be confrontation. But if
(25:43):
a person is a Christian at all, they will likely
respond positively to that kind of confrontation.
S3 (25:54):
This is the building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast.
Thanks for listening and for telling others about our conversations.
When you go to five Love languages.com, you can find
more ways to strengthen your relationships. Just click the resources
tab and you'll find the podcast there and today's featured resource.
(26:15):
Again go to five Love languages.com.
S4 (26:19):
Gary, you answered a question about a spiritual mismatch on
a Dear Gary broadcast. This was back at the end
of September. Here's a follow up to that call.
S11 (26:29):
Hi, Gary. A stronger answer could have advised the mother
to suggest her son and the Hindu woman have premarital
counseling and read premarital books. Also read related articles. And
I suggested it would recommend that they talk to others
(26:53):
who have experienced pitfalls, from marriage to someone who is
not a Christian, but who has another God. This is
a serious issue. Thank you.
S5 (27:07):
Well, Chris, I don't remember what my answer was to
the original question. This mismatch in marriage. But obviously what
she's saying is true. Uh, premarital counseling and reading books
on marriage Age beforehand. You know, the book I wrote
is called things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got married.
(27:27):
And I deal with the spiritual issue in that book,
among other things, it has to be dealt with. Are
we marching to the beat of the same drummer? If
we've got two different gods and everything that flows out
of those beliefs in God, we're setting ourselves up for
trouble in marriage. And I have had couples who've read
my book and actually decided not to get married, because
(27:51):
in this area or some other areas, they realize they
were just too far apart to to have, you know,
real communion in a relationship. And certainly then premarital counseling
is the ideal. If you sit down with a premarital counselor, uh,
even even if they're not a Christian, they're probably going
to say to you, you're living in two different worlds,
(28:12):
a Hindu world and a Christian world, two different worlds.
You guys need to really take this seriously. So her
advice was good.
S4 (28:21):
I think the caller back in September was a mom
who was concerned about her son and then future daughter
in law. That's what I think was happening. And so
you were speaking mainly to the mom, and because she said,
what can I do? And and so this caller was
hearing that through. Well, you should have told her this
(28:42):
and that. So if you ever hear Gary answer a
question and you say the same thing, Gary, why didn't
you say this? Call us 866424. Gary. Gary's humble enough
to say he doesn't know everything. And believe it. Eight. Six. Six. Four. Two. Four. Gary.
Because you may say something. You may miss something even
(29:03):
in the question. Though you very rarely do that that
somebody else can pick up on. That's helpful, isn't it?
S5 (29:09):
Absolutely. Chris, I'm always open to ideas or responses to
what I've said, negative or positive.
S4 (29:17):
So your call Your question might help someone else who's
listening in the new year, which is right around the corner.
Call with your question or response. 1866424 Gary, we'd love
to hear from you. Now here's a man with a
difficult situation.
S12 (29:35):
Hi, Gary. Um, I just heard a wife call in
that was working on. She had been separated with the
hopes of reconciliation with her husband, who had been not
physically or whatever, you know, abusing her, but more emotionally
and invalidating her thoughts and her contributions. And I thought
(29:58):
I heard you mention that it might be the other way.
It could be the other way. And, you know, my
wife hasn't really expressed any terms of endearment or love
for for years. And I've been praying that God would
soften her heart towards me, that he would keep me
a faithful, loving husband. I've tried to get her to
(30:19):
go to counseling. I've been to counseling and she would
refuse to go. It's my understanding that I have no
option to separate from her because I'm accountable as the husband.
I'd like your thoughts on that, please.
S5 (30:33):
Well, I think any time a husband is married to
a wife who is not affirming him at all and
not expressing, you know, expressions of love to him at all,
it's very difficult. But I admire this husband because he
is also demonstrating a deep commitment to his faith in
God and his commitment to marriage. Because marriage in the
(30:55):
Bible is seen as a covenant that we make with
each other in the presence of God, that we are
going to be there for each other. And simply because
one spouse is not responding in a positive way doesn't
give us grounds to divorce them. Listen, many people are
not expressing love to their spouse at certain phases in
(31:17):
that life. But I would say this if he has
a friend or a contact with a friend of hers,
and if she has never read the five love languages,
if a friend could give that book to her, it
may be something God could use to open her eyes. Now,
maybe that's already happened. I don't know. But a wife
(31:39):
that's not responding to her husband with affirmation or any
expressions of love if she reads that book many times
God has used it to help that woman come to see. Oh,
this is this. This makes sense to me. And I've
seen marriages that were either. Neither one of them had
hope that things were going to get better. But they
(32:01):
do get better when they understand the concept of the
five love languages. The other thing I would say is
if you know her love language, then you continue speaking
that language and speaking on a regular basis. Because if
indeed you are touching her emotionally, that is meeting that
emotional need for love in her life, she's far more
(32:24):
likely to begin to treat you in a different way.
And I don't know if you know her love language
or not, and you can't really tell her. You know,
I need to know your love language because I want
to love you better. That's probably too brazen. But again,
if she could have that book in her hands and
read it, then you could have a conversation that might
(32:45):
really turn things around.
S4 (32:47):
That situation is not the the normal slash usual one
that I hear. I more often hear women call and say,
my my husband, you know, doesn't love me and I
can't get him to go to counseling that he, you know,
that he is gone. And he says she's not open
(33:08):
to this. Uh, as you said, I really respect him
for doing that hard work in himself and going to
the counselor. But a lot of times it's the other
way around, isn't it?
S5 (33:19):
Absolutely, Chris. Far more common that wives say, my husband
will not go for counseling. He won't read a book
on marriage. He won't go to a marriage conference. He
won't even talk about us.
S6 (33:30):
Yeah.
S5 (33:31):
You know, and that's that's tragic because we can't grow
if we don't communicate and talk about our relationship in
a positive way. I don't mean arguing all the time,
but I mean talking about it openly and honestly with
each other.
S4 (33:47):
Is there a way? Here's my final question about this.
Is there a way to soften someone else's heart?
S5 (33:54):
Well, I think to communicate love to her and to
say to her, perhaps, you know, honey, I don't know
how you feel about us and our relationship, but I really,
in my heart, I love you. Now, I don't know
if it comes across to you that way. I don't
know if you're really feeling my love. But deep in
(34:16):
my heart I love you deeply. And I'm not. I'm
not sure I'm coming across. I'm not sure you're sensing
how deeply I love you. Can can you can you
give me some insight on that? She may well open
up to him, you know, and he may realize that indeed,
even though she may know nothing about the love language concept,
(34:37):
he may realize he has been missing her because he's speaking.
He's loving her, but not in her love language. So
she may not feel loved by him, just as he
doesn't feel loved by her. But I think in conversation
in which you're turning it on yourself and saying, I
really want to have a good marriage. And I know
(34:58):
that one of the most important things is that people
feel loved. And I know in my heart I do
love you, but I'm not sure you feel that I
love you. She opens up to that he may get
some information that will help him to know how to
invest his time and energy in the most effective way,
in expressing love to her, which then touches her heart
(35:21):
and makes her open to respond to him in a
different way.
S4 (35:25):
She feels demeaned and dismissed and doesn't feel heard. How
do you deal with that in a marriage? Here's our
next caller.
S13 (35:35):
Hi, Gary. Just wondering, what do I do? My husband
always talks down to me like I am not important.
And then when I ever try talking to him, he
doesn't act like he's listening or that he cares what
I have to say. And that even the sentence he
(35:57):
tries to hurry me up to finishing it or rolls
his eyes so I never feel like he cares what
I'm saying and Seems to always not care about me
as far as my opinion or my mind, or just
(36:18):
don't know what to do anymore. And was thinking yes,
that this was abuse because he doesn't. He talks to
me like not good. Thank you.
S5 (36:32):
Well, you know, Chris, when you hear, uh, where she
is in this relationship and how she feels, you have
you have to have empathy for that because it's very
difficult when you feel like, you know, you're not really
valued and your ideas are not valued by your spouse. Oh,
what might she do? You know, I don't know if
(36:56):
she's ever read the five love languages or not, but
if she could read it and he could read it,
it could be transformative in that marriage. Another step in
the process might be for her to say to him, honey,
I've been thinking a lot about us and I want
to ask you a question. How could I be a
(37:18):
better wife to you? He might be shocked by the question.
He may have an immediate answer and tell you 2
or 3 things that would make you a better wife.
But what I'm saying is, you can't change him, but
you can change yourself. So if you're open to asking
(37:38):
that question to him and he's giving you an answer
and you respond to that in a positive way, he
may in time ask you that question. You know, you
asked me this question some time ago and and I
shared some things with you on how you could be
a better wife. And I just want to say I
(37:59):
really appreciate the changes you've made. So let me ask you,
how could I be a better husband. That would be
an approach. I have no idea how he would respond
if you asked that, but I do know it would
be a non-threatening thing to him. You're not telling him
what he should do. You're not complaining about how you feel.
(38:21):
You're asking him a question. What could I do to
be a better wife? And then if you respond to
what he says, you might find that that would be
the road to eventually him learning to respect you and
show that respect and show that love to you, because
your love would stimulate love in him. That's a pattern.
S4 (38:43):
You know how I responded to her call, especially with
the dismissal or hurry up, you know, get to the point.
Come on. I wonder if there's. If she felt that
way in in the past, in any other relationship, maybe
in her family or mom or dad siblings that she had,
you know? Come on, get to the point. Move along.
(39:04):
And so when he says that, and when he acts
that way, it touches this nerve inside that even pushes
her down even further. And I'm not saying that, you know,
it's she's the problem. I'm just saying that it makes
it more painful for her to have somebody that she's
committed to and loves act that way toward her.
S5 (39:26):
Well, that is certainly a possibility, Chris, no question about it.
That experiences we've had in childhood and we've if we
felt put down, that our ideas are not important to
the family members that we grew up in, then we
get into a marriage and we find that it triggers
back those emotions that we felt way back then. And
many times we're not even realizing where it's coming from.
(39:49):
We don't realize this is the way it was when
I was growing up. Now here's my husband treating me
the same way. Yeah, that could well be a part
of it. And that's why her going for counseling could
be helpful.
S14 (40:02):
For her.
S5 (40:03):
To understand herself and why she's feeling what she's feeling.
S4 (40:08):
Yes, and that might elicit some questions from him as well.
If she if she changes a little bit in the
relationship and he's asking what's going on with you, you know,
after she goes along for counseling. Um, that's not a panacea.
You know, it's not a fix for everything, but learning
more about yourself is always a good thing. And, uh, Gary,
(40:30):
thanks for that answer. We have one more final call
here on our dear Gary, the last one of 2024.
And this is another response to the Sherry Mueller program,
which dealt with intimacy in marriage. Again, if you didn't
hear that conversation, go to building. relationships.us. You can hear
the program from November 8th right there. Building relationships.us. Here's
(40:54):
our final question of 2024.
S15 (40:57):
Thank you for your, uh, your show today. It was awesome.
I just want to throw my two my $0.02. My wife,
she loves to argue and fight and so this makes
me not really want to be making love to somebody
who is so hateful. She's not a Christian. And also
I love her because I'm a Christian, but she hates
(41:19):
God and she's always making fun of me for reading
the Bible every day. But I will still love her
no matter what. But why? I don't want to make
love to her because she's always arguing with me and
hateful and belittling me and calling me names that I
cannot cannot repeat. But I'm going to love her. I'm
going to stay in this marriage no matter what. She's
(41:39):
broken up with me like a thousand times, and I've
never broken up with her when we were not married.
One time I did just to show her that maybe
it's my fault. Whatever. I'm just saying. Fighting and hating
and saying that she don't love me and she hates
me and all that. And then. Now you want me
to make love to you. It's just, you know, I
just feel like. And that's what I told her. I
(41:59):
only told her one time. I said, I just feel
like you don't. You don't love me. You hate me,
you despise me. And that's why. Okay. Thank you for listening.
S5 (42:08):
Well, Chris, in a situation like this, he's describing what
I think other men might describe as the problem in
his situation as to why he is not interested in
being intimate with her. And when you realize that you're
hearing that sort of thing day after day after day,
we're not drawn to to a spouse. If we're getting
(42:30):
all that negative stuff, you know, coming from them. I
really appreciate his commitment. You know, his sense of commitment.
He's not going to walk away from her. The question
would be, what can he do that might help the situation?
And he probably has no idea. And I'm not sure
I have any good ideas, to be honest with you.
(42:50):
When you when you hear that sort of thing day
after day after day. But again, let me go back
to what I just suggested to the other caller. What
if he said to her, I know that our relationship
is not what it should be, and I have the
sense that you sometimes hate me, that you sometimes, uh,
(43:13):
and he can tell whatever he's heard from her. But
what I want to do, I want to ask you,
can you just give me 1 or 2 things that
I could do or not do that would make me
a better husband? And the reason I say 1 or
2 is because I want to be able to work
on them. And you might have 16 but if you
(43:35):
give me 1 or 2 and let me see if
I can work on those, then in a month or
so I'll ask you again and you can give me
some other ideas. Again, I'm operating on the reality. He
cannot make her change. He cannot change her. The only
person he can change is himself. And my guess is
(43:56):
that he's just been trying to survive all these negative
words that she's throwing at him, and he's having not
only a hard time in the physical area, but in
the rest of life. I mean, when you live with
that all the time, it's hard to live with. And
so the same God who gives him the power to
live with that and to stay in the marriage, can
(44:17):
give him the power to honestly ask how he could
be a better husband. And then honestly, with God's help,
begin to make some changes and he just might see
a change in her. But at least he's taking initiative
to do something rather than just, you know, sit there
and continue to go through the same old thing over
(44:39):
and over.
S6 (44:39):
Right.
S4 (44:40):
White knuckle it. Yeah. You know, the other thing, it
sounds like he's not hiding his faith. You know, she
knows about his his faith in God. And and she
makes fun of him or demeans him for that. And
and my question is, I wonder why this intense hatred
toward God or toward Christianity. Or maybe it's his his
brand of Christianity. Or maybe there's something like the earlier call.
(45:02):
There's something that happened to her way back when, and
that is bubbling up here. And this is she thinks,
I didn't sign up for this, you know, and he
can't know that unless they have those kinds of conversations.
S5 (45:15):
Yeah, you're right, Chris. That's why I think, again, you know,
open conversations are important. So many couples go through years
of not willing to discuss with each other their problems
unless they do it in a negative, condemning way, which
is what she's doing to him. And and so they
just keep that lifestyle of just shooting each other. And
(45:38):
it's it's never going to lead to anything positive if
they continue to shoot each other. That's why I sometimes
say the first step in a marriage like that is
to call a truce. What if we just say, you know, honey,
we've shot each other so much, we both are wounded.
Can we just have a truce? And for maybe for
(46:00):
the for a month. Agree that we will not shoot
each other. We will not throw verbal bombs at each
other just for a month and see. See what it's like.
And maybe we can get calm enough that we can
begin to work on our marriage. So sometimes calling a truce,
if both are willing to do it. But somebody's got
(46:22):
to bring it up. And if you go for a
month without shooting each other, you might be a different
climate that you could then talk about some other things.
So yeah, it's communication, but it's hard when you're both
just shooting each other.
S4 (46:37):
Well, before we conclude, let me give you our number
where you can leave a question for Doctor Chapman or
respond to something maybe you've heard today. 1866424. Gary. What
you ask? What's going on in your life might help
somebody else as well as yourself. Eight. 866424. Gary is
our number for any question or comment you have about
(46:58):
your relationships in the New Year. We'd love to hear
from you. If you go to the website Building Relationships Us,
you'll find our featured resource right there the five Love
Languages for Men Workbook bundle. Just go to Building relationships.us.
S5 (47:13):
And next week we begin 2025 with a program about
men and sexual purity.
S3 (47:20):
Don't miss the conversation about a bold biblical battle plan
for men to start the New Year. A big thank
you to our hard working production team, Steve Wick and Janice.
Backing building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is a production
of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry
of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening and.
UU (47:42):
Happy New Year.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!